Preservation of Innocence

by The Weakest Link

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 50959

A human is all too aware that Equestria is a place of ignorant innocence, and isn't about to ruin it.

Hunter is a human that has been in Equestria for about a month, and has come to a realization:

The ponies are completely ignorant to the less innocent things in life. The young man isn't about to ruin this image the ponies have made for themselves, and just tries to live day by day in a world not meant to house him without destroying its delicate balance.

[img]http://orig10.deviantart.net/bf87/f/2014/010/3/0/recup_pinkie_sphear_1_2__by_xdrawdex-d71pigr.gif[/img]

Cover art was done by Wacky! Go forth and commission!

Editor: The Cake Devil

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-05 22:57:44 UTC

The Butt-Tattoo Advocates

The Butt-Tattoo Advocates

“Mush, human, mush!” A scratchy voice called out, the command accompanied by a small orange hoof lightly smacking the top of my head.

“Scootaloo, stop being so loathsome!” A high-pitched voice said, the sound coming from my right shoulder.

“What’s that mean?” A southern voice asked, her query originating from my left shoulder.

“It means she’s being a jerk!”

“Dictionary!”

“Hey!”

Ugh….how did I get dragged into this?

*Twenty minutes prior*

I gazed into the eyes of a God. Their purple hue enraptured my soul, binding me to its awe-inspiring perfection, making me feel unworthy, yet privileged, to lay my eyes upon the greatness that was-

“Hunty!”

I shook my head and looked away from Gummy. Jeez, that alligator is creepy. The eyes, man. Why does everything in this place have insanely and nonsensically large eyes? I mean, on a pony they can be kinda cute, I guess, but on a baby alligator…not so much.

“Hm?” I mumbled, still in a bit of a daze. I turned to see Pinkie entering the loft, her ever-present smile gracing her muzzle.

“Hunty, I need a favor.” My best friend stated, sounding a bit…apologetic? Why would she be apologetic?

“What is it?” I ask, wary, shifting my position on my bed. When Pinkie Pie asks you for a favor, it can range from tummy rubs (which she asked for on a daily basis, and I was starting to get over the post-apology phase where just looking at her made me feel obligated to give her one) to helping with repairs on her welcome cart and getting a face full of cake batter. Delicious cake batter….mmmm….sorry, where was I?

“Well…” Pinkie began cautiously; oh, there I was. “You know the Cutie Mark Crusaders, right?”

I had to think on that for a moment. I do seem to recall three little fillies that came to my welcome party, but they had kept to themselves in the corner of the room. When I asked Pinks who they were, she explained that they were Applejack’s sister, Rarity’s sister, and a friend of theirs, and that they were on a quest for their ‘cutie marks’. I just vaguely remember their names, but other than that, I knew nothing about them.

“I guess.” I responded with a shrug. “Why?”

“About a week ago, they were trying to get their cutie-marks,” Pinkie began, “and they may have went a teeeeensy-weeeeensy bit…overboard.” That got me to raise an eyebrow. Pinks talking about someone else going overboard? That’s a little worrisome.

“Define overboard.” I said cautiously.

“Um, not important.” Pinkie said with a wave of her hoof. “The point is, Applejack and Rarity won’t let them go out crusading anymore after that thing that happened that you don’t need to know about without somepony to watch them.” she finished with a nervous grin.

“Um…okay…” I said. Why wouldn’t Pinks fill me in on this? And what about the pegasus’ family? “But, what does this have to do with me?”

“The thing is, Applejack and Rarity are busy with their jobs.” Pinkie said, still in that apologetic tone that I didn’t quite understand.

“Oookayyy…” Am I slow or something?

“And so am I.”

“Sure.”

“And so is Twilight. And Fluttershy. And Mr. and Mrs. Cake.”

“Oh….ooooooooh.” I drew out, her intent dawning on me. Everypony was busy, it was my day off of work, and three fillies need watching if they want to play together, it all fit!

“You want me to watch the crusaders?” I said with fake exuberance. Pinkie lit up and her previous visage turned to one of relief.

“Exactly!” She replied happily. “So you’ll do it!?”

"No!” I projected in the same happy tone. Pinks frowned at me, her excitement drained.

“What do you mean, no?” she asked, sounding disappointed and a little frantic.

“Well, for one thing, it’s my only day off this week.” I began. “And second of all, I’m not a babysitter.” I furrowed my brow and rubbed my chin. “Or would that be foal sitter…anyway, the point still stands.” Cook, sure. Massuser, as long as it wasn’t painfully awkward. Watching children? The majority of children I knew back on Earth were brats or worse. Although, I guess there was one exception to that I could think of off the top of my head. She-

“Hunty!” Pinkie’s voice brought me out of my ruminations of the past and back into the present, where a panicky pink pony is positively perturbed. Alliteration! “Please? You’re the only one who’s not working!”

“What about Maud?” I shot back. I hadn’t seen her since that first night I gave Pinkie the ol’ rubbin’, and I was under the impression that she was supposed to be here because an alien was living with her sister. You’d figure she’d be around a bit more. “What’s she so busy with?”

“She’s at the quarry, looking at rocks.” Pinkie said simply. Oh. Wait, what?

“What do you mean she’s ‘looking at rocks’?” I asked while accentuating my sentence with the oh-so useful art of air-quotations. Bet that made ponies jealous. Fingers are elite! Wait, Ponyville has a quarry?

“A new variant of granite has recently been discovered in the Ponyville quarry, and it appears to be solely indigenous to Ponyville.” Pinkie said urgently. “She needs to study it and bring her results back home to the rock farm.”

I was a bit stupefied at her explanation and had to shake my head to exit my daze.

“I’m sorry, who are you and what have you done with Pinkie?” I say jokingly. Seriously, she sounded like Twilight for a minute there. Guess she was really passionate about rocks.

“Hunty, be serious.” Pinkie said flatly.

“I am serious. I’m very serious about how there is absolutely nothing you can do to make me take care of three kids that I don’t even know. Besides, how much trouble could they possibly get into?”

“You have no idea.” Pinkie replied, sounding a bit grim.

“Look, they can go one day without playing together, alright?”

“No, not alright!” Pinkie shouted. She signed and moved over to me, jumping up on my bed and placing a hoof on my shoulder. “This would mean the world to them. They haven’t been able to play together for a whole week now, and they’re inseparable!” She looked up at me, donning a pair of big puppy dog eyes. “Please?”

…

…Goddamn these ponies and their cuteness.

“…Fine.” I said begrudgingly. Don’t judge me. You try saying no to those eyes!

Pinkie squeed and, no joke, straight up glomped me. I fell back first onto my bed, Pinkie’s weight pinning me down. She bent down to nuzzle the side of my head. Her mane tickled my nose and caused me to inhale, surprising me when I smelt cotton candy. Welp, Pinkie smells like cotton candy. Learn something new every day.

“Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!” Pinkie Pie belted out. “I thought I was going to have to tell all those little fillies to go home because no one could watch them and see the sad-sad look on their faces but now that you’ve said yes than-“

“Wait, what do you mean ‘go home’?” I asked through her mane, a bit stunned by her glomp but not so much as to miss that little tidbit.

She pulled away and looked down at me, a sheepish expression on her face. Wait…don’t tell me she-

“I uh…” Pinkie started awkwardly, a tinge of red on her face out of embarrassment. “I miiiiiiiight have already told them you’d do it. And they maaaaaay be right downstairs.”

WHAT?!

“Pinkie!” I shouted in annoyance.

“Gottagetbacktomyshiftgoodluckbye!” Pinkie jumped up from the bed and ran down the stairs, leaving a pink colored blur in her wake.

I can’t believe her, thinking I would just say yes! Well…I mean I did, but it was still presumptuous of her! Although, now that I think about it…the last time I denied her something, I almost immediately caved. But that was different, she was crying and I just couldn’t…I just couldn’t see her like that. It hurt too much. But she did seem honestly relieved when I said yes, so she knew she was taking a risk, so I guess she doesn’t think that I’m totally whipped. Okay, I suppose she wasn’t just being presumptuous, but it was still a bad decision.

“Hunty!” Pinkie’s voice called out from downstairs. “I need to get back to work! Get down here!”

Ugh. Guess I have to take the crusaders off her hands…hooves. I take one last look at Gummy and his creepy-ass eyes before descending the stairs, resigning myself to my fate. Oh, what am I thinking? It’s just babysitting.

What could possibly go wrong?

An immeasurable amount of miles away, on planet Earth, a man by the name of Murphy Law woke in a cold sweat.

“What’s wrong, honey?” His wife asked softly, her husband’s actions rousing her.

“I…I don’t know…” Murphy said, holding a hand to his head. “I felt…a disturbance…”

I descended the stairs of the loft and entered the main room of the confectionary. Pinkie, true to her word, was working the counter. At this time of day, Sugarcube Corner was completely packed, the line to the counter actually ended about twenty feet away from the shop. Some people couldn’t miss their one o’ clock cupcake, I guess.

A few feet away from the counter, three fillies were mulling around, talking excitedly to each other. The yellow one- Apple something, I dunno - was wearing a large pink bow and speaking in a southern accent. Does Equestria have a south? Well, yeah, of course it does, but I mean like in the sense of south America. Not South America the continent, just…never mind.

The unicorn, er, Sweaty Belle, I think? That’d be an unfortunate name, but hey, pony names are weird. I think I’ll just call her Belle. Sounds more human. Anyway, I could already hear her voice, filled with more cracks than a…than a…her voice cracked a lot, okay?

And then there was the orange pegasus…um…Scootapoo? No, that can’t be right…c’mon…uh….Scooter, maybe? Huh, that would actually be the most normal…or human, I suppose, name I’ve heard since coming to this place. Scooter was chatting excitedly with her friends, her voice sounding a bit like Skittles’ in how scratchy it was.

Upon seeing me, the girls immediately stopped talking, taking a few steps back in trepidation.

Okay, I know it’s not my fault that I look a little frightening to ponies, all right? According to them, I’m really tall, have tiny eyes, the teeth of a predator, and my hooves are weird. But still, whenever one of them steps away from me or looks at me like they’re scared, it makes me feel a bit shitty, especially when it’s one of the foals. The fact that I scare the crap out of creatures this harmless (and, well, cute) doesn’t sit well with me.

“Uh, Pinks?” I call over to Pinkie a bit regrettably, considering that she’s working. I usually have a pony that I’m friends with to introduce me to other ponies, considering that they’d sooner trust a member of their community than a ‘shaved Diamond Dog’. Whatever that was.

“Girls, Hunter.” Pinkie said hurriedly, rifling through the register. “Hunter, girls. Have fun bye two bits is your change have a nice day NEXT!” She managed to address three people separately in one sentence. Pinks is a weird pony.

My best friend is a silly pink pony with no respect for personal space.

…I have a strange life.

I started to walk to the entrance of Sugarcube Corner, then threw a glance over my shoulder.

“You coming?” I say to the girls. Gotta let them come to me; I might intimidate them if I just waltz up and say hi. It seemed to work anyway. The girls, a bit hesitantly at first, followed me out of the confectionary.

“So-“I began, but was cut off by Appleblock.

“Are ya really a hew-man?” she asked in her adorable accent.

“Uh, yeah, I-“

“Can you breathe fire?” Scooter asked in her scratchy voice. Huh?

“Where did you hear-“

“What’s your cutie mark?” Belle asked in a high-pitched squeal.

“Human’s don’t get them.” Wow, somehow I managed to answer a question without getting interru-

“WHAT?!?!” All three fillies shouted in unison, rushing up to me. Can’t even think without being interrupted by these three!

“Ow.” I said flatly, holding my hands over my ears. Jeez, I can make those girls scream…oh, get your mind out of the gutter!

“Wha-what do you mean humans don’t get cutie marks?!” Belle said in a panic. All of the girls pupils had dilated, shocked.

“…Um…that we don’t?” I said warily. Why are they getting so freaked out about butt tattoos?

“Girls,” I continued, “I would love to talk about this, but it’s my day off, I got dragged into babysitting, and I’m not getting paid for this. I’d really just like to get this day over with, so…play, or something.”

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not good with kids. Babies, sure. Kids, no.

They looked a bit perturbed at how blunt I was, as well as how I completely subverted their talk of cutie marks, but at least they weren’t panicking.

“Well, we were gonna try to get our cutie marks today.” Appleblock said. “But all of our stuff is all the way at the clubhouse, near the farm.”

“Alright, let’s go.” I said, turning on my heel and beginning the walk to Sweet Apple Acres. I visited the farm a few times, but generally avoided it. Whenever I came, Granny Smith would basically force feed me pie, insisting that ‘Ah need to put some meat on mah bones’.  But before I made it five steps, I felt something tugging on the leg of my pants. I turned around and looked down to see all three crusaders giving me a devious grin.

“How strong are you?” Scooter asked. I didn’t understand what she meant until she lifted her fore hooves up, as if asking for me to…nope.

“Ohhhhh no. Absolutely not.” I said, crossing my arms. “Not in a million years would I ever degrade myself enough to…” I trailed off as I saw the looks the Crusaders were giving me. I thought Pinkie’s puppy dog look was good, but this was just ridiculous.

Must…resist…can’t…cave! I’ll…look…like a…total…bitch! Errrrrgggggg-oh God, the lip quiver.

“Fine.”

“YAY!”

FUCK!

*Present*

…Don’t judge me. I can feel you judging me. Quit it. I’m not a bitch. I’m just nice. I’m so nice I let three fillies ride on my back for about a mile without complaint.

Friggin’ ponies and their friggin’ adorableness.

So yeah. I had to walk a mile with three children on me, two on either shoulder and one on my head. It didn’t bother me that they wouldn’t shut up, or that their hooves were digging into me, or even that Scooter would periodically bonk me on the head and tell me to hurry up.

What did bother me was the few minutes at the beginning of the walk when we were actually in Ponyville proper. Sugarcube Corner is right on the edge of town, so it only took a few minutes to hit the lightly wooded area that leads to Sweet Apple Acres, and by proxy, their clubhouse. But from what time we did spend in Ponyville, we saw around twenty ponies, and at least ten on them giggled at the sight of the creature that they had once characterized as a ‘thing’ submissively carrying three foals.

As soon as I get home, I gotta do something manly to make up for this. Like blow something up. Or lift something heavy. Or bake some cupcakes. My cupcakes are rad.

It took about twenty minutes to get to the clubhouse. I probably could have walked quicker, but I was being slow in spite of Scooter’s commands to hurry. I mean, ‘mush human mush’? Really?

I bent down, and the three Crusaders hopped of me. About time.

“Alright, we’re here.” I stated to the girls. Their clubhouse was actually pretty swish. It had a balcony, two floors, and a watchtower. A freaking watchtower! How the hell did they build this with no fingers?

“Finally!” Scooter grumbled. “We could’ve gotten here ten minutes ago!”

“Well, it’s not my fault someone was too lazy to walk.” I shot back. I straightened up and leaned against a nearby tree. “Now go play, or something. I’m taking a nap. Wake me up if you need something.” I’d only gotten a few hours of sleep the previous night. It comes with living with a party pony, and last night’s party was a long one, hosted right below our loft.

“Alright. Bye Hunter!” Belle said sweetly, and then ran off with her friends up the staircase to the clubhouse.

Now I know what you’re thinking: shouldn’t you be watching them, you’re so irresponsible, yadda yadda yadda, but think about it. This is a whimsical pony world. I highly doubt that the Crusaders could put themselves in any form of danger, even if they tried. They probably just needed to be watched because their parents…or guardians, I suppose, were paranoid about them, and what parents weren’t paranoid about their child’s safety? I’m sure they’ll be fine.

I sat down with my back against the tree, crossed my arms behind my head, and closed my eyes. It only took a few minutes for sleep to take me.

*Thirty minutes later*

Poke.

“Hey.”

Poke Poke.

“Hunter! Hey!”

Pokepokepokepokepokepokepokepokepoke.

“Hunter, get up!”

I grumbled to myself and opened my eyes. I swear, every time I go to sleep, a pony wakes me up. This time the pony is Sweaty Belle...or something to that effect.

“What?” I say groggily to the unicorn.

“Applebloom wants a flamethrower.”

...So first off, tooootally got her name wrong. Applebloom actually sounds plausible; don’t know what I was thinking with Appleblock Second, why would I have a flamethrower? I’m a chef/masseur, not a pyro technician. But in other news, her actual question is starting to sink in...processing...OH MY GOD WHAT?!

“Applebloom wants a what!?”

“A flamethrower.” Sweaty Belle...which most likely wasn’t her name- said.

“...Why?” I asked, dumbfounded and, frankly, fairly worried at the request. What in the hell is a ten-year-old pony going to do with a flamethrower.

“How else are we going to light the torches?” Belle said, rolling her eyes as if she had just explained something inherent. I guess my confused face tipped her off to how oblivious I was, so she pointed upwards, causing my heart to leap into my throat.

Above me, attached from the tree I had been resting against, to the clubhouse itself, about fifteen feet above the ground, was a tightrope, which normally wouldn't cause too much alarm. What would cause alarm, however, would be the orange pegasus that was balancing on the tightrope with one hind hoof, holding a pole with two unlit torch sconces attached to either side in her fore hooves.

“What the he...er...heck are you three doing?!” I yelled. Can’t curse at ponies. Not after Pinkie.

“I’m spotting Scootaloo,” Sweaty explained, “she’s tightrope walking, and Applebloom went off to look for a flamethrower to light the torches.”

“But if you’re here,” I said in a panic, “who's watching Scootaloo?!” Sweaty took an intake of breath and raised hoof, but then slightly closed her mouth and lowered said hoof.

“Huh.”

I hear a cry of distress and look up to see Scootaloo wobbling on her perch, her pole falling to the ground, her hoof slipping from the tightrope-

“NO!”

My mind cuts out, and pure instinct takes over.  I don’t hear Belle’s gasp. I don’t hear Scooters panicked scream.

I don’t think as I close the distance.

I can’t let her die.

I don’t think as I dive forwards, twisting in the air.

I can’t let her die!

I don’t think as I begin to fall to the ground.

I CAN’T LET ANOTHER ONE DIE!

My mind slowly regains control, and I find myself on my back. My arms are curled around a filly who’s lying on my aching stomach. She doesn’t move. My heart drops into my stomach. No, nononononononono. This can’t be happening. This isn’t-

Scootaloo’s eyes fly open and she looked straight into my eyes. I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding. The eye contact doesn’t last too long, and she gasps in surprise as I sit up, my pained abdominals protesting. I pulled her into my chest and ran my hands through her coat.

“It’s okay,” I say in short, rapid breathes. “It’s alright, you’re fine, you’re fine, oh Jesus Christ, you’re okay.” I can feel my tears running down my face as I desperately cling onto the foal, as if she’ll die if she leaves my embrace.

“Um...Hunter?” Scootaloo said awkwardly. “Thanks for saving me, really, but, ah...could you let me go now?”

I blanked for a second, and then my mind fully regained control. I didn’t know this foal very well. I’ve only been acquainted with her for less than a day, and I was basically manhandling her...not that I didn’t manhandle Pinkie, but she asked for it. Wait, that came out a bit wrong. Um...regardless, I should probably rein it in.

I relinquished my hold on Scooter, and took in the sights around me. Appleblock, er, Applebloom, had returned (with no flamethrower, thank God) and was looking at the scene with shocked eyes. Belle, tears brimming in her eyes, rushed over to hug Scooter.

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay!” Belle cried out. Applebloom rushed over and joined the hug.

“Me too!” Applebloom added.

“Hehe...guess I don’t have a cutie mark in tight rope walking, huh?” Scooter joked, trying to make light of the situation. I didn’t find it funny.

I felt my eye twitch at her jest, and wiped my face free of tears.

“Scootaloo…” I began, trying to understand her thought process, “what…what do you think would have happened if I didn’t catch you?”

The Crusaders separated, and Scootaloo scratched her head as she searched for a response.

“I would’ve gotten hurt?” Scootaloo guessed, shrugging.

That made me pause. Scootaloo fell fifteen feet off of that tightrope. She could have broken a limb, or a wing, or her spine or her skull or she could have died and…and she could have died…she could have died. Does she not know that? How could she not know that?!

“Hurt?” I questioned, my voice shaky. “Hurt?! You could have-“

Wait. No no no no no let’s back up a bit. Okay…ponies are innocent and naïve, almost to a fault. No, definitely to a fault. They don’t curse, or hate, or steal, or rape or…or kill. What if…what if ponies don’t know what death is? No, no I draw a line there. They can’t be that ignorant; it’s impossible. Everything dies, even in this weird sugar-coated world. I mean…I haven’t seen anything die or heard about anything dying, but…death is a part of life. It has to happen…right?

But from where I’m standing, I have no evidence that death is a part of this world, and I’m sure as hell not going to ask a ten year old. And even if these three did know about death, they couldn’t possibly understand it. I mean, I knew what death was when I was ten, but did I really know? The loss, the pain, the finality. No way. And I completely and utterly refuse to ‘enlighten’ them. They’re way too young and way too cute and definitely too innocent.

“Girls…” I began slowly. “Is crusading usually this…dangerous?”

“Well, yes.” Belle said nonchalantly…well, as nonchalant as you be when you’re sniffling and wiping tears out of your eyes. “But it’s worth it, right girls?”

“Yeah!” Scooter and Applebloom chimed in.

“Worth what?” I asked. What could possibly be worth this amount of risk?

“Our cutie marks!” The crusaders said in unison, and then shoved their flanks right up to my face.

At this point my entire body basically said ‘NOPE!’ and I threw my hands over my face.

“What are you doing!?” I yelled from behind my hands. What I meant to say was, ‘Get your asses out of my face you fucking weirdos!’, but I felt that would be a bit harsh for children.

“Showin’ you our blank-flanks.” Applebloom said, sounding a tad confused. “What does it look like?”

…I don’t think I should answer that question.

Wait…blank-flanks? Oh, right, the butt-tattoos. Or, at least that’s what I called them when Twilight told me about them. I don’t think she appreciated that. Sparklebutt told me that when a pony finds their ‘special talent’…gag me, anyway, when they find it, a mark appears on their ass to signify it. Which raises a few valid questions, like, how the fuck does that occur? When I asked Sparklebutt, albeit in a more PG-rated way, she talked for about a half hour about the arcane intricacies of the cutius markius, which basically all boiled down to ‘it’s magic’.

I don’t see the big deal about getting a cutie mark, but it’s clearly important to these three; important enough that they created a club with the purpose of finding them. Important enough that they were willing to put their lives on the line to get them.

I stood up and shook my head, dreading the nightmares that were sure to come of this…not the child almost dying thing. Getting pony ass shoved into face was far more terrifying.

“I’ll tell you one thing.” I say to the fillies. “No more dangerous crusading.”

“But-“Belle started.

“No.” I said sternly. The crusaders looked at the ground despondently, and I let out a sigh. “Look, you can still look for your cutie marks.” Not that I see the appeal, but whatever. “Just…go over what you’re going to do with me before you do it.”

“Okay.” Applebloom said, and then pulled a notepad out of…I don’t know, hammerspace? I live with Pinkie, man. I’ve learned to deal with strangeness and physical impossibilities.

“How ‘bout…” the farm pony continued, “blacksmithing?”

They could fall in the forge. “No.”

“Bungee diving?”

The cord could break. “No.”

“Manticore taming?”

...Something tells me I’m not going to like anything that’s on that list.

“How about I suggest something?” I proposed with exasperation. Seriously, manticore taming?

Applebloom put away the notepad with a huff, and adjusted her bow.

“Like what?” Scootaloo asked smugly. Oh, she doesn’t think I can think of something? I’ll show her!

“Like…um…” I scratched my head as I searched for an answer. What do kids do for fun? Vandalize? Baseball? What did I do when I was a kid?

The answer came to me quickly and suddenly, and I snapped my fingers.

“Got it.” I said with a smirk. This was going to be fun. Probably mostly for me.

*An hour later*

“Fire!” I scream. Scootaloo lifts her head above our ‘bunker’, but her pupils dilate and she ducks her head, narrowly dodging two water balloons.

“I can’t!” she yells back. “I’ll get hit!” I pick up a water balloon from our pile and quickly throw it at the opposite bunker. Miraculously, Applebloom takes that exact moment to lift her head up to aim, and gets a face full of latex and water.

“I’m hit!” I hear her yell to Belle. The unicorn responds by throwing a water balloon at our bunker, but by that time I’ve ducked my head down. Belle had been the most consistently accurate in our water balloon fights. This was our fifth one, and it was all tied up: two victories for them, and two for us. In their two victories, Belle has nailed me and Scootaloo three out of the four times we’d been hit. So far, Scootaloo hasn’t gotten anybody. I want to change that.

“Scooter, take a shot.” I say to her, trying to encourage her as a water balloon flies above our heads. The townsfolk around us are looking on with interest, and some a bit annoyed, as a few stray water balloons had managed to find some unintended targets. Those unintended targets being the faces of a few passerby. Maybe we shouldn’t have set this up right in front of Sugarcube Corner, but it was the only place with a large supply of balloons.

“I can’t!” Scootaloo said. “We’ll lose the game!”

“Scootaloo, I have a plan.” I say to the cowering filly. “Listen. I’m going to jump up and throw out two decoy water balloons. Belle will be focused on me, and when she throws her balloon, you jump up and nail her! Okay?”

Scootaloo ponders for a moment, but gives me a nervous grin and nods her head. A smile on my face, I grab two water balloons and prep myself mentally. Count to four, inhale. Count to four, exhale.

Let's do this!

“Three, two, “I counted down, “one, SURPRESSING!” I lifted myself up, standing on my knees, and threw out my salvo of water balloons. At that exact moment, Belle jumped up and threw out her balloon and hit me square in the chest, causing me to fall backwards. Scootaloo takes the opportunity, jumping up onto my shoulder leaping off of it, soaring through the air as she let her water balloon fly. When I got back up, Belle was soaked, and a piece of balloon was hanging off of her horn. Victory!

“I did it! I did it!” Scootaloo said, jumping up and down in happiness. I picked her up and lifted her into the air.

“Gaze upon the water balloon queen and tremble!” I announced in a false deep voice to the passerby, who just rolled their eyes or chuckled. Scooter twisted in my grasp to look at her flank, but sighed in disappointment when all she saw was her orange fur. I set her down and ruffled her mane.

“Hey, it’s alright.” I said. “Even if you didn’t get your cutie mark in water balloon fighting, at least you had fun, right?”

The pegasus gave me a hesitant smile and nodded. “Right.” I gave her one last ruffle and lifted her up onto my head.

“Okay girls, time to go home.” I announced in the direction of the opposite bunker. Applebloom and Belle lifted their heads above their bunker, and all of the Crusaders let out a collective sigh of disappointment.

“We’ll play again next week, okay?” I proposed. Who cares about catching up on sleep on a day off? Playing with the Crusaders was a good time, and I’d love to do it again.

“YAY!” The fillies yelled out, almost splitting my eardrums, but still leaving a lightness in my heart.

I took Applebloom home first, and promised myself that by next week, I’ll have made a nickname for her. Applejack seemed both surprised and relieved when she heard that they were no trouble; I decided to leave the tidbit about the tightrope out for another time. Besides, I think the Crusaders know better now, or are at least well on their way.

Belle was up next, and I returned her to her parents’ home. I thought it was a bit strange that they wore clothes, especially her mother, who was actually wearing pants, of all things. Side note: Belle’s dad’s mustache is the most badass thing I’ve seen since coming here.

After the door closed behind us, Scooter and I glanced at each other.

“So, where to?” I asked casually. Scooter actually looked a bit…uncomfortable. She rubbed one of her fore hooves with the opposite one, and looked down.

“Um…I-I can get home by myself.” She said, trying to sound proud and independent but coming off as a bit…insecure, I suppose.

“Why?” I asked, honestly confused. I wasn’t too worried about her walking home alone; crime isn’t exactly rampant in Equestria, if you catch my drift. But still, I’d walked both of her friends home. Did she have a poor home? Was she afraid I would judge her, or think differently her?

“I just don’t need help.” She said, raising her head and giving me a nervous look. Were her parents embarrassing? What was she so nervous about?

“Uh, okay, I guess.” I said. She gave me a grateful smile and nuzzled my leg.

“Thanks, Hunter.” She said appraisingly. She suddenly pulled away from the nuzzle and ran off, quickly turning a corner and out of my sight.

Why didn’t she let me walk her home? Maybe…you know what, I shouldn’t dwell on this. It’s late, and Pinkie will be wondering where I am. I’ll talk to Scooter next week. It’s probably nothing. I began my walk home, worry still lightly gnawing at me.

Upon entering Sugarcube Corner, I saw that a certain pink mare was leaning over the counter, passed out cold.

“Mepmepmep…that’ll be three bits…mepmepmep…” she snored out. Oh, this is too precious.

A tired smile grew on my face, and I picked her up off the counter and carried her up the stairs. Once in the loft, I set Pinkie down on her bed and started to walk away. Just then, a fetlock wrapped around my arm, and I was pulled back on top of the bed. Pinkie smiled and pulled me into her embrace, wrapping both fore hooves around my arm. I tried to wiggle out of her grasp, but she only tightened her grip.

“Pinkie?” I said, trying to wake her up. “Pinkie? Pinkie?!” But she just kept on snoring.

I tried to get up from the bed, but she just pulled me back in. With a sigh, I looked out the window. Well…it was evening anyway.

Might as well finish that nap.

Rock Polishing

Rock Polishing

I groan as my eyes adjust to the light pouring through the window of the loft. Slowly, the blurred shapes around me turn to recognizable objects, and it isn't long until my vision fully returns to me.

I hear a light snoring to my left echoing my groan. Oh, don’t tell me…

Yup. Pinkie’s still here. Attached to my arm. Asleep.

At first it was cute and all. You know, a little pink puffball giving your arm a big ol’ hug seems like a pretty sweet deal, at least to me. But Pinkie snores. Its fine when we’re about ten feet apart from each other on separate beds, but up close and personal, it’s real noticeable. Adorable, but noticeable. And distracting. What I’m trying to say is that Pinkie kept me up all night. But that’s not even the worst part, no, here’s the worst part:

I have absolutely no idea how to get her off of me.

Well…no idea past just straight up decking her in the face, but I can’t do that. Then I’d regret it and she’d run off crying and I’d feel like a dick and go begging for forgiveness and get guilt-tripped into giving her a tummy rub and…and…

…and this sounds oddly familiar.

Just as that thought crosses my mind, I hear someone ascending the stairs. And the first thing they’d see would be me snuggling with Pinkie…

Shit!

I try to get up again, but Pinkie mumbles something under her breath and pulls me back down, causing my body to jostle against the bed.

Okay, don’t panic, don’t panic. Just, um…uh…play dead! They can’t kill me if I’m dead! But then it would look like Pinkie is with a dead body…granted, Pinkie IS a strange pony, but-

“Pinkie?” I hear the familiar drone of Maud’s voice call up the stairs. “Is that you?”

Agh! Um, okay Hunter, just calm down. Calm down, its fine. I’m sure Maud walking in on a monkey man and her sister in a bed together won’t result in anybody flipping their lid.

Just, uh, act natural! Don’t act like anything is weird, just play it cool. Yeah, I can play it cool. I’m cool.

Maud finally reaches the top of the staircase, and her appearance surprises me a bit. The first time I saw her, she was clean and was wearing a frock. This time, she had forgone the frock, instead wearing a hardhat with a headlamp attachment. Although I still couldn't see her cutie mark; it was made indistinguishable under all of the dirt and dust that covered Maud from ear tip to fetlock.

“Pinkie, where-“Maud stopped in her tracks when she looked at Pinkie’s bed. Her face showed no surprise, no anger, no confusion, no emotion. It was unnerving to say the least.

She just stared at me and Pinkie, unblinking, immobile.

“Um…” I said, totally cool like and smooth. “Sup?”

“Hi.” Maud said. She then proceeded to take off the hardhat, cross the room, and enter the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

…Now I don’t know about you, but I’ll take a ‘hi’ over a ‘what the hell are you doing with my sister, I’m going to rip out your trachea’ any day of the week. But her lack of a reaction…well…I guess shouldn't really surprise me, considering how she’s acted before this point. Still, it’s a little unsettling.

I hear the shower running. Welp, Maud is indisposed. That’s one problem down. No defensive sister taking something the wrong way and trying to kill me today. Not that it’s ever happened to me before, but, I digress. Still stuck with Pinkie firmly attached to my arm, snoring and occasionally mumbling something odd.

“Zzzz…” Pinkie hums into my arm. “Chocolate vanilla swirl with cookie crunch, please…skkKKK…zzzzz…”

I can’t help but smile at her sleep talking. Wait, is that drool? She’s drooling on me, isn’t she? Nope, nope nope nope nope nope, soooooo much nope!

“Hey, Maud?” I call out towards the bathroom. Yeah, I know it’s rude to yell for someone when they’re in the sanctity of a bathroom, but I’m dealing with a crisis here!

There’s a palpable moment of silence before Maud responds.

“Yes?” Her blank voice shouts back, the increased volume of the outcry not effecting her lack of emotion in the least.

“When you finish up in there, can you get your sister off of me?” I call back. You know, it just registered in my mind that sentence would sound really strange out of context.

“Okay. I’ll be finished in a minute.” Maud deadpans.

Alright, good. Earth ponies are significantly stronger than humans…well, human. Me, I’m talking about me. Yeah, it’s a bit embarrassing that pastel ponies can bench more than me, but from what I've seen, it’s more specific to the earth ponies than any other race. I highly doubt that Flutters or Sparklebutt could beat me in arm wrestling…mostly because I’m the only one with fingers, but whatever. Okay, right, the point: Maud has a much higher chance of getting me out of Pinkie’s vice grip than I do. Good thing too. I don’t think it’s healthy for your arm to be asleep for over twelve hours.

I notice the absence of running water, indicating that Maud is done with her shower. The bathroom door opens, and Maud steps out with a towel on her head and around her barrel. This reveals her cutie mark, which is a rock.

I’m not sure what I was expecting.

“Could you give me a hoof with this?” I say, gesturing to Pinkie. Hey, I didn't trip up on saying hoof! I think I’m starting to get the whole, ‘hoof/hand’ thing down. Only took five weeks.

“What were you doing?” Maud asks blandly. Oh boy.

“Nothing!” I say hurriedly, waving my free hand. “She fell asleep at the counter, and I, uh, I carried her up to bed. When I tried to leave, she grabbed onto my arm, and, well…yeah.”

“She used to do that to me when we were kids.” Maud says after a short silence. “She’d start hugging me and fall asleep after a while.” There was a pause. “I know how to get her off.”

“Great!” I said thankfully. Maud didn't move. “Well…?”

She just stood there, looking at me with blank eyes.

“Aren't you going to help me?” I asked finished, confused.

Maud walks over to the bed and lightly tosses her towels to the side, freeing her mane. Out of instinct, I look away when the towel comes off of her barrel, but quickly realize that I’m being ridiculous.

“Pinkie told me that you’re a good masseur.” Maud stated.

“…And?”

“Give me a massage.”

…Well that was blunt. I look back at her to see that she’s still wearing the same blank expression. We’re both silent for a moment, just looking at each other.

“…Come again?” I ask, hoping I just heard her wro-

“Give me a massage.” Maud repeats. Okay, never mind. I’m justified one freak out. Ahem,

AGGGGGGGGHHHHH WHY ME!? WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME, LORD?!!

I mentally slap myself. Gotta remain calm. Stay calm. Just breathe. Breathe, that’ll make you calm.

…Okay, I’m good. But I also have no idea what to do. On one hand, Pinkie doesn't seem like she’s going to wake up any time soon, considering all the work she got done yesterday, so getting her off of me for the price of a tummy rub doesn't seem too bad.

On the other hand, however…

It’s Maud. We barely know each other, and you don’t just give a massage to somebody you don’t know well…says the person who was paid to massage strangers. Uh, okay, let me remedy that statement. At that point in time, it was a profession. I didn't really want to do it, but I needed to if I wanted to make ends meet. But right now…okay, I don’t know what it is right now. I guess it’s just something I do with Pinkie, and that’s because she’s my best friend. And also because I still feel a little bad for screaming at her, but that guilt is starting to fade with time. I don’t know Maud. We've talked a total of two times, including right now. Plus she’s Pinkie’s sister, and I don’t know how that makes me feel, especially because I still don’t know what these tummy rubs mean to the ponies, or how it makes them feel. From Pinkie’s reactions, it’s a bit hard to determine whether they find it pleasurable in…that way or not.

But back on that first hand, Pinkie’s drool is starting to leak through my shirt.

Giving the massage is looking pretty good right about now.

“Um, okay.” I say cautiously. “And by that do you mean a tummy rub, or…?” She stared. “I mean, that’s what I gave Pinkie, so…”

“Sure.”

“Okay, cool, but, ah…” I looked down at Pinkie, who still has a death hold on my right arm in such a way that her foreleg hook around halfway up my arm with her muzzle resting on my shoulder. Ponies have big ass heads. Not really relevant, just an observation.

“How exactly are we gonna do this, all things considered?” I finish.

“What are we considering?” Maud asks, ever so slightly raising her brow. To make my point, I attempt to sit up, but am quickly pulled back down by Pinkie. Maud doesn't speak. She simply climbs up onto the bed on my left side. I can’t sit up, so it’s impossible to fully see her without tilting my head up. I do so, and see her crawl on top of me and slowly roll herself onto her back, her head perched on Pinkie’s side and her back hooves dangling onto the bed.

I lean my head back down and contemplate: should I tell her not to be weird about it, like I told Pinkie? From what I've learned, the ponies have absolutely no idea what that means, so it’s not like it’s going to help. And besides, this is Maud we’re talking about. It’s not like she’s secretly some sex-craved maniac who will react extremely violently to the tummy rub, putting me in a humorously awkward situation.

That’d just be silly. And terrifying. Mostly terrifying. Only terrifying.

I place my left hand on her stomach, getting a feel for it. Her fur has a bit of a surprising texture. It’s very sleek, unlike her sister’s plush fur, and mats to her body from her shower. Her stomach is also far more toned. While Pinkie’s stomach was a bit pudgy, yet not disagreeably so, Maud’s is much more taut and tough.

I can’t exactly see her from my position, so I kind of have to massage her blind. I can feel the slow rise and fall of her chest, indicating her controlled breathes. She’s a lot calmer about this than I am, but what’s to be expected? This is pretty uncomfortable, at least for me, and not just because I’m practically pinned to the bed.

I begin the massage, lightly pulling my fingers through her fur as my fingers delicately pressed against her body. Surprisingly, I don’t hear Maud saying anything. My curiosity peaks, and I lean my head up.

…Well…it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Granted, she looks creepy as hell. Her head is on its side on Pinkie’s body, and she’s looking right at me, her face as empty of emotion as ever.

But her eyes…

I lean my head back down, perturbed by what I saw. I both love and can’t stand the eyes of the Pie sisters. Large, bright blue, sparkling with life…it hurts to look at something that looks so much like her eyes. It hurts to be reminded of-

“Hunter.”

“Hm?” I mumble, pulling myself out of my ruminations. I tilt by head back up and look at Maud, but avoid looking at her eyes.

“You stopped.”

I look down to my hand, which is idly resting on her stomach. Oops.

“Oh, um, sorry.” I say awkwardly, returning to the massage with a quick stroke of my hand. After a few minutes of gently massaging Maud’s stomach, I begin to feel a bit uneasy at her quietness. I mean, yeah, I don’t want her to pull a Sparklebutt on me, or say anything like Pinks did. Seriously, I need some mind bleach for when she said ‘you’re really good at this’. But Maud is just lying there, taking the massage with no response at all.

…I can’t help but feel a bit inadequate.

“Maud?” I ask hesitantly.

“What?” She replies, not curtly but concisely.

“How does this feel?” I inquire. I want to make sure that she enjoys this, but she isn't really making it clear to me.

“It feels like you’re massaging my stomach.”

Yep, that really clears things up. Good talk, Maud. Maybe later we can go swimming. Then you can tell me that you feel wet. Wait, no, that’s just an analogy, don’t think of it like that!

“…Okayyy…” I say slowly, bothered by her unspecific answer, then return to the massage.

I start to dig my hands a bit more roughly into her stomach. Some of my customers back home needed a lot more than what I was giving to have any kind of response to my work. Maybe Maud was too tough for gentle caresses.

Apparently that isn't it, because I’m doing my best right now and she isn't reacting at all. I glance up before laying my head back down again at the sight of her face, completely void of pleasure. Am I a bad masseur? Maybe Pinks and Sparklebutt are just special cases. Am I not trying hard enough? I’m doing my best right now and she isn’t even moving! What does a masseur have to do to get a response around here?!

“Hunter.” Maud says again.

“Yes?” I ask, not bothering to look up, put out at my apparent inequity.

“What are you doing? I thought this was a stomach only massage.” Huh?

I leaned my head up and my breathe catches in my throat when I see that my hand had moved to the back of her ear, and was unconsciously scratching it.

ABORT! ABORT!

I pulled my arm back and felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment. I guess I was just trying to make sure that she enjoyed the massage, and resorted to ear scratching. She wasn't exactly keeping me in the know to whether or not it felt good, and it was my job as a masseur to make sure that it did. Wait, no, I’m not a masseur, I’m a pastry chef! Ugh! Occupations!

“Sorry, sorry!” I said quickly, returning my hand to her stomach. “It’s just, um, well...” I huffed out a frustrated breathe before continuing. “Maud, are you enjoying the stomach massage or not?” Ha, find an unspecific answer to that, you emotionless tiny horse!

“It’s enjoyable.” Maud stated. Ha, victory! “But I want do so something else.” What?

“Um…sure.” I agreed, putting my hand back down to my side. “What do you wanna do?”

“I want to talk about you and Pinkie.” She says flatly.

“…Oh.” I said quietly.

I've been waiting for this conversation. The, ‘stay away from my sister you big monkey monster thing’ talk. I know I take a lot of shit from these ponies, but I’m drawing a line if Maud tries to separate me and my best friend.

“I think-“Maud began.

“Maud, before you say anything, I need to get something off my chest.” I say, cutting her off.  Maud doesn't respond, urging me to continue.

“I know that I’m…different. I know what I look like to you. I know that I’m five foot ten, I know that I have sharp teeth, and I know that I have…these.” I lift up my left hand before placing it back onto her stomach. “But I need you to know something.” Here we go...

“Your sister is the most amazing individual that I know. She’s sweet, and funny, and talented, but most of all…” I pause, collecting my thoughts. “But most of all, she’s caring. She’s the most caring person…er, pony, that I've ever met. All she wants to do is to make others happy, and I can’t tell you how much I respect that.”

I contemplate for a moment before I continue. I set my head back down and stare at the ceiling.

“Before I…before I came to Equestria, I didn't have too much to be happy about” I said softly. “Your sister showed me that there was more to life than what I knew.”

My thoughts go back to her, but I push them aside and raise my head, looking Maud straight in the blue irises that brought me so much pain and joy.

“She taught me how to laugh again.” I summed up, letting out a sad chuckle. “I don’t care what I am. I don’t care if I’m a human, or a pony, or anything in between. The only thing I care about is making your sister as happy as she makes me.” I smile at the thought of achieving that goal.

We lay there quietly, the only sound breaking the silence being Pinkie’s snores. After a few painful seconds waiting for Maud’s response, I get one in the form of something that I never thought would appear on her visage: a smile. The left side of her lip just slightly tips upwards, making an extremely weak half smile, but a smile none the less.

“I think you already have.”

…What? Wait…wait, what?

“Excuse me?” I ask incredulously.

“Pinkie Pie acts differently around you than with any of the ponies in Ponyville.” Maud said, the tinniest bit of emotion creeping into her voice. “She’s more wary with them, more insecure.”

“That doesn't sound like Pinkie at all to me.” I interrupt. I've never seen her act insecure.

“I've known her for her whole life.” Maud says. “You’d pick up on it too. She’s always just a little bit afraid that she’ll lose her friends, that she’ll do something to push them away. I don’t think she sees you as a friend.”

“Than what does she see me as?” I ask, confused. Maud looks me dead in the eye before continuing.

“A big brother.”

Abigbrotherabigbrotherabigbrotherabigbrotherabigbrotherabigbrother…

My hand clamps over my mouth and my eyes grow wide before I feel the stinging of tears. I see a memory flash before my eyes.

A lock of blonde hair. A face of fair skin.

A wide smile. The sound of a small girl laughing.

Big, blue, sparkling eyes.

My hand falls from my face and rests on my chest. Tears flow freely from my eyes, my emotions from Maud’s claim unrivaled in their strength. It might not be true, it could just be Maud speculating, but, I, I just…it needs to be true. I need it to be true.

Maud’s face takes on another form: concern. It’s almost unnoticeable, but it’s there.

“Hunter, are you okay?” She asks.

“A-A big b-brother?” I ask shakily, ignoring her question. “You r-really think so? You’re s-sure?”

“Positive.” Maud says with one hundred percent honesty. “She treats you like she treats me and our sisters. I don’t know why, but she sees you as family.”

Family. I look down at Pinkie, no longer caring about her snores or her drool. All I see is a little girl, clinging to her brother’s arm like she’ll just float away if she lets go. Innocent, pure, perfect.

I let out a shuddering breath, trying to fight back heavy sobs. My arm reaches out, lightly holding the side of Maud’s head. My thumb gently rubs her check.

“Th-thank you.” I say through my tears. “You don’t k-know how much th-that means to me.” Maud gives me an uncertain smile, which turns almost imperceptibly into a genuine one. I pull my arm back and wipe my tears from my eyes.

“I’ll wake up Pinkie.” Maud says, rolling over and hopping off the bed. She walks around and lifts a hoof to her sister.

“W-Wait!” I cry out. Maud looks back at me, a question in her eyes.

“Just…just leave her like this.” I say quietly. “I-I don’t think I mind it anymore.”

Maud gives me another microscopic smile before exiting the room, descending down the stairs. I look back at Pinkie. A solid puddle of drool has formed on my shoulder, and has leaked through onto my skin. Her mumbles have become incoherent. Her snores are louder than they had ever been.

And I might have a little sister again.

Holiday Interlude Part 1: There Will Be Snow

Holiday Chapter Part 1: There Will Be Snow

It was the 24th of Decembmare. That horrible day...I still remember it like it was yesterday. Which is weird, because it’s actually today. Ahem, anyway, I remember that day well. The bullets flew through the air with abandon. The bombs fell down upon us, showering us with their malevolent grace. The streets ran with the blood of innocents, a sign of the blight that had torn apart our fair town…

And by bullets, I mean snowballs.

And by bombs, I mean snowflakes.

And by blood, I mean...snow.

Note to self: think of metaphors for things that aren't related to snow.

The Crusaders and I were huddled behind our pathetic little snow fort, quivering from both the cold and the knowledge of what we were facing in this battle of slush:

Pinkie Pie.

The name alone inspires fear in my troops. And why wouldn’t it? She’s unmatched on the field of battle...well, for snow battles, anyway. Although, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’d be too keen on facing her in any kind of ‘battle’, considering her ill regard of predictability and logic.

I take a quick glance over our fortifications to scope out her own fort. It’s a monstrosity; standing at no less than five meters high, topped with battlemats where the party pony was currently manning the mortars- shit!

I quickly ducked, narrowly dodging a volley of snow-tar bombs. You know, like mortar bombs, but with-shut up, it’s clever.

Turning back to my shivering troops, I prepare to give them a quick pep talk.

“Alright, men-” I begin.

“We’re fillies!” Belle corrects indignantly, her voice cracking. My hand becomes acquainted with my face as I groan in minor irritation. Can’t go five minutes fantasizing about being in a war zone without one of these kids slapping me in the face with reality. Well...as close to reality as this place gets.

“Okay then.” I say. “Fillies. We’re facing heavy fire from our north side-”

“South.” Applebud piped up, holding up a compass.

“Does it really matter which...wait a minute...where did you get that compass?” I ask, pointing at the device resting on her hoof.

The farmpony glanced at the compass, and then back to me.

“Found it.” She said innocently.

I opened my mouth to reply, but was interrupted by the sound of explosions.

“Hit the deck!” I yelled, doing just that as the fillies followed suit. On top of me. Ow...fuckin’ hooves…

Just then, large spheres of snow ripped through the top of our fortifications, flying just above us.

“Belle, repair that wall!” I shouted. “Applebud, make more snowballs! Scooter, help me send returning fire! And for future reference, I am not the deck!”

The girls looked sheepish for a moment before going to their duties. I reached for a snowball, but paused when I heard a door being opened. I looked to my left to see that Maud was standing on the balcony of Sugarcube Corner, looking down at us, her positioning between Fort Pie and Fort Knox. Yes, I called it Fort Knox...which is kind of ironic, seeing how penetrable we are. To be fair, we only had one pair of hands to build the fort, and Pinkie had...Pinkie.

“Could you guys keep it down?” Maud asked flatly. “I’m writing poetry.”

“Maud!” I called up, a smile on my face from her appearance. “You’re just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and together we’ll defeat the Pink Menace!”

“That’s me!” Pinkie yelped happily, poking her head through her fort wall.

“I think I’ll pass.” Maud said. “Just battle quietly.”

“Can do!” Pinkie said, standing up on the battlements of Fort Pie. She reached behind her pulled out dual snow-tanas from what I can only assume was the hammerspace. Leaping down from the fort wall, she brandished the blades and let out her war cry.

“Kyaaaaaaaaaahh.” She practically whispered, respecting Maud’s wishes. Landing on our puny wall, she pointed one of her snow-tanas in my direction. After quickly checking the balcony to see that Maud had gone back inside, she set her sights on me.

“You guys give up?” Pinkie asked with exuberance. I stood up from my crouched position, threw my shoulders back, and put my hands on my hips.

“NEVAHHH!” I declared triumphantly, then pointed at her. “Fire!” The Crusaders rose from their hidden positions and threw a barrage of snowballs at the target.

Pinkie didn’t even blink. She just dawned a playful smirk and spun her twin snow-tanas in her hooves, slicing through every snowball thrown at her. I quickly flanked her as she was distracted, formed a quick snowball, and flung it at the back of her head. Pinkie spun around and held her right snow-tana in front of her face, slicing the snowball in two, the halves flying past her shoulders and hitting both Applebud and Belle in the face. Pinkie pointed the snow-tana right in front of my nose, smiling knowingly.

“Do I win?” She asked excitedly.

“Not even close.” I responded with confidence. “Scooter, now!” I yelled to my final standing comrade. The filly grinned and reached behind the back of our fort, pulling out our final trick.

“It can’t be!” Pinkie gasped.

“Oh it is.” I said, bending my knees and getting ready to bolt. “The snow-zooka! Scooter, light her up!”

The orange pegasus obeyed her righteous commanding officer, slamming her hoof down on the ridiculously over-sized button on top of the weapon of snowy might. An enormous snowball erupted from the barrel of the tool of destruction, soaring at ludicrous speeds and as straight as an arrow. I quickly flung myself backwards, out of the path of flight.

I was surprised when I felt Pinkie wrap her hoof around my leg and pull me back into her for a hug. Oh my God! She won’t let herself loose! She’s going for the suicide hug maneuver! Pinkie, you magnificent bastard!

“NOOOOOOO!” I yelled out, my impending doom coming closer and closer until my vision became a world of white and pink.

Digging myself out of the gargantuan snowball, I laid down on the snowy ground, catching my breath. Pinkie soon followed, jumping out of the snowball and landing right next to me. I looked to the side at her, and she did the same to me. Our eyes met for a moment before we burst out laughing.

“I-I,” Pinkie said though her infectious giggling as we both got up off the ground. “I g-guess it’s a t-tie.” I just smiled evilly and pointed behind her. Confused, she looked to where my hand was directing her attention before her eyes widened in shock.

Scooter was on Fort Pie, planting a Cutie Mark Crusaders flag on top of the battlements. She hopped up and down on the walls, yelping in excitement as Applebud and Belle cheered her on.

Pinkie fell to her knees and raised her fore hooves into the air.

“Nooooooooooo!” She squealed in mock-despair before bursting into chuckles once more.

“Good game, General Pinks.” I said, extending a hand to her. She smiled up at me and took my hand, shaking it firmly.

“Good game indeedily, General Hunty.” She replied.

“Ahem!”

The sound of a mare clearing her throat grabbed both of our attentions, and we turned around to see the Mayor of Ponyville looking at us sternly. She simply pointed a hoof to the right, and we turned to see that our battle had quite a bit of collateral damage. Many buildings were half buried in snow, and several half buried citizens were glaring at us.

“Eh heh, eh heh heh, heeh….” I laughed nervously. “Um, you see, we were, ah…”

“The, um, buildings were thirsty!” Pinkie said. “So we fed them snow!”

I raised a single eyebrow and gave Pinkie the biggest, ‘Are you shitting me?’ look I’d ever given. Looking back at the Mayor, she was wearing an identical expression.

Without saying a word, Mayor Mare threw a snow shovel into my hands, another into Pinkie’s mouth, and trotted off.

Me and Pinkie exchanged a look, shrugged, and starting flinging snow at each other with our new found weaponry, much to the disdain of the snow ridden denizens of Ponyville.

Eh, they can wait. I have a war to win.

Holiday Interlude Part 2: Last Christmas

Holiday Interlude Part 2: Last Christmas

You know, sometimes it worries me how much I just accept nowadays. For example, it’s taken me roundabout forty minutes to finally question the existence of not one but two samurai swords made entirely out of snow, why they didn’t just fall apart in Pinkie’s hooves, or how said Pink Menace could wield such wintery blades without opposable thumbs.

Then there’s the rocket launcher which was also made up of snow. And fired snow. Through a mechanism that I can only assume was made out of snow. Snow snow snow snow.

I guess when you’ve been friends with Pinkie Pie for this long, you learn to keep your thoughts to yourself on this kind of thing. It’s not like it’s gonna get you anywhere. Unless you’re Twilight. From what I heard, it got her into a wheelchair.

“Hunter?”

“Hm?” I mumble, looking down at the orange filly walking alongside me. We had just walked back into Ponyville from Sweet Apple Acres, where we dropped off Applebud.

“I think I can take it from here.” Scooter said, chuckling nervously.

...I don’t get Scootaloo. I walk both of her friends home, but she always insists on getting home by herself. I don’t press her about it because it’s really none of my business, but...oh, fuck it.

“Scooter, why don’t you ever let me walk you home?” I asked carefully, trying not to trip any minefields in this conversation. This seems like a sensitive topic for her.

“Oh, um…” Scootaloo said, not meeting my eyes. “I just don’t want to make you walk all the way there. It’s pretty far.”

Kids, here’s a tip: don’t try to bullshit a bullshiter. I’ve lied to my parents enough when I was a kid to know what’s what.

I got on one knee to get closer to her level, trying to look her in the eye. She averted her gaze.

“Is there something going on at your house?” I asked quietly.

“N-No!” Scooter denied, shaking her head. “Nothing’s going on! I-I just-”

“Look, if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you, then I can’t help.”

“Nothing’s bothering-”

“Scootaloo, look at me.”

She held her head up, looking me in the eyes for just a moment before dropping her gaze once again.

“Listen to me.” I said softly, trying not to set her off. “Nothing, I repeat, nothing you could say to me would ever make me think any less of you. Just tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing, okay!?” Scootaloo yelled at me. Or more specifically, yelled at the ground. She still wouldn’t look at me, and was pawing at the snowy path.

“Scootaloo, please, I-”

I was interrupted by a snowball crashing into my face, shocking me for a moment. Did she just…?

I wiped the snow out of my eyes to see Scootaloo’s retreating form.

“Scootaloo, wait!” I shouted, starting to run after her.

“Leave me alone!” she shrieked over her shoulder as I gained on her.

That made me pause. I sighed and scratched the back of my neck. In my experience, when a ten-year old girl wants to be left alone, you should probably leave her alone. Talking to her before she cools off would just escalate things, and as much as it pains me, I have to let this go for now. But she better believe that this isn’t over. Whatever Scooter is dealing with at home is clearly bothering her, and I want to help her.

Well...another dilemma for another day, I suppose. I’ve got a shift at Sugarcube Corner with my name on it.

“Hunty!”

As I walked through the door of my workplace, my world became a shade of pink as a certain party pony barreled into me, knocking me off of my feet and onto the floor. Pinkie was pinning me down with her fore hooves, and her familiar eyes were sparkling with excitement.

“That was the most fun snowball war I’ve ever had! Remember the part when I shot snow at you with my snow-tar and you were all like ‘Hit the deck!’ and then I jumped down and was all like ‘Kyaaaaaaah” but had to be super duper quiet because Maud was writing poetry and then you were like ‘NEVAH!’ and I sliced through all of those snowballs and then we both got nailed with the snow-zooka and then started throwing snow at each other with those big shovels and then we got fined for property damage?”

Pinkie took in a big gulp of air, and then looked down at me expectantly, panting.

“Hey Pinks?”

“Yes Hunty?”

“You’re sitting on me.”

Pinkie just blinked, her trademark smile unwavering.

“…Could you please fix that so I can go on my shift?” I asked in as a polite a tone I could muster with a pony digging her hooves into my chest.

“Okey-dokey-lokey!”

Pinkie clambered off of me, not looking embarrassed in the slightest. I got to my feet, brushed off my jacket, and made for the counter. Before I could get there, Pinkie was in front of me, smiling wider than ever.

“Uh, Pinks. You’re blocking the counter.” I pointed out.

“Yes indeedily!”

“And just why are you blocking the counter?” This is starting to get a bit irritating. I’m already in a mood after that talk with Scooter, and I’d just like to work my shift so I can go to bed.

“Because you’re not working today, silly!” She replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Another thing about Pinkie is that she seems to think that everyone knows what her intents are from her actions. I don’t think she realizes how unreadable she can be sometimes.

“How do you figure that?” I asked, confused.

“It’s Hearth Warming Eve!” She cried, bouncing in excitement.

Hearths Warming? The heck is…oh.

Wanna know something weird about Equestria? Their calendar is the same as the one on Earth on a fundamental level. They have seven days a week, roundabout four weeks a month, twelve months a year. Their days are even named the same…which I find a bit strange, seeing as the name of their months are different, a couple of them being equine themed.

But the point I’m trying to make is that human holidays all line up with their Equestrian equivalents. Which means that if today is the twenty-fourth of Decembmare, then today must be their equivalent of…Christmas…Eve…

…huh.

Jenny, stop eating all of the cookies! Those are for Santa!

But they look sooooo good!

They aren’t for you. No more cookies for you.

Can I have one more? Please please please please pleeeeeease!

…Fine. But just one!

Yaaaaaay!

“Hunty?”

“Mm?” I mumbled. I looked down to see Pinkie, her smile somewhat diminished and her brow furrowed in concern.

“Are you okay?” She asked, tilting her head slightly.

“What?” I asked, still a bit out of it. “Oh, um, yeah, I’m fine. Just…just zoned out for a bit.” I let out a forced chuckle, trying to put her at ease.

“Oh, okay!” Pinkie said happily. “You know what Hearths Warming is, don’t you?”

“Twilight may have mentioned it.” I admitted. “Something about celebrating Equestria’s founding, right?”

“Yepperuni!” Pinkie confirmed. “Oh, and speaking of questionnaires,” she pilfered through her mane for a moment before pulling out a small stack of papers, “Twilight told me to give you this.”

“But…we weren’t even talking about…alright.” I took the stack of papers from her and looked at the title page on top:

Krystmass Questionnaire

“That’s not even how you spell…wait a second, Christmas?” I asked, confused yet again.

“Twilight said that you told her about human holidays.” Pinkie explained. “And she wanted you to ‘more thoroughly explain your primary winter holiday’. Or something like that. Anyway, fill it out, right now!”

“Why are you being so pushy about it?” I asked, a bit perturbed by her outburst.

“I’m not pushy! I’m excited!” Pinkie said, positively bouncing in joy…for whatever reason.

“And why are you so excited?”

“Because Twilight and I are-“Pinkie began before clamping her hoofs over her mouth, her eyes widening. Out of absolutely nowhere, she began to slam her head into the floor repeatedly. I quickly rushed to her side, falling on one knee, and pulled her up.

“Pinks!” I said loudly, worried for my pink friend. “What was that for?!”

“I almost told you!” Pinkie said back, matching my increased volume.

“Almost told me what?” I said, before quickly realizing my mistake and moving to intercept what was sure to follow.

“That me and-mpph!” Pinkie began before I clapped a hand over her mouth, stifling whatever secret she’s so serious about keeping from me.

“Pinks?” I asked clearly. Pinkie looked up at me and slightly nodded. “I’m gonna go upstairs and fill this out. I’ll leave it on the shop counter when I’m done with it. Then you won’t be near me, and you can’t tell me this secret if you’re not with me. Alright?”

Pinkie responded by licking the inside of my hand.

“Ugh, Pinks!” I shouted indignantly, slightly disgusted. I pulled my hand away immediately and wiped it against my jacket. “Gross!”

Pinkie just smacked her lips several times, looking deep in thought.

“You taste funny.” She decided, giggling.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my other hand and exhaled loudly. She didn’t just say that. She didn’t lick my hand. This conversation ended at ‘Alright?’ That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

“I’m heading up.” I said, turning around without giving her a second glance. “If you need me, wait til’ tomorrow. I’ll be too busy rinsing my ears out with bleach.”

“Have fun!” Pinkie said happily, trotting off somewhere.

I think the most intriguing thing about all of this is that the conversation we just had was one of the more normal ones we’ve ever shared.

When I reached the loft, I threw my jacket onto the floor, the questionnaire onto my desk, and, rather unceremoniously, myself onto my bed.

“My life is so fucking weird.” I moaned into my pillow.

Groaning, I sat up in my bed, and glanced at my desk. At my inkwell and quill. At my occasional doodles I made when I had too much free time.

At the terribly spelled questionnaire…

…Well, as a wise man once said, ‘let’s get this shit over with’.

I rose from my bed and crossed the loft to my desk. It wasn’t anything special, just something I used for writing letters or doodling. The Cakes had it in one of their old storerooms and when I asked if I could use it, they were all too happy to get rid of it. Kind of. It’s still in their home, so really-

You know what, I’m putting this off.

I sat down at the desk and dipped a quill in my inkwell, shaking it slightly to get rid of the excess ink. The first thing I did was do a bit of editing to the front page.

Christmas Krystmass Questionnaire

I turned the page and was surprised to see only one question. Flipping through the papers, I found that every page only had one question. Did Twilight really expect me to elaborate so much as to fill out entire pages? Screw that. I don’t even want to be thinking about Christmas right now. Why would I want to think about a holiday I can’t even celebrate anymore?

…Forget it. I shouldn’t think like that. I’m just gonna get this done and go to bed.

Question 1: What does Krystmass celebrate?

Annnnd she’s already lost me. I probably shouldn’t write anything about Christ, because then I’d have to explain Christianity and human religious and I’d never hear the end of it. I’ll just use my own definition.

After fixing the spelling of the holiday, I quickly scratched out that Christmas was the celebration of togetherness to be celebrated with both friends and family, and didn’t elaborate too much on the matter. It’s a bit of a vague concept, but Twilight’s a smart girl. I’m sure she can infer something from it. Alright, next page.

Question 2: What are the decorations associated with the holiday?

Oh, this one’s simple. Pine trees covered in baubles, wrapped in tinsel, and topped with a star. Large colorful stockings displayed, usually over a fireplace. Generally dominated by the colors red, green, and white. Easy.

Question 3: What food is served at a party for such a holiday?

Hm. This one is a bit subjective. I guess I’ll just put what I’ve been given. I wrote that brunch is served on Christmas, the minor components of the meal being bread rolls and some selection of a fruit or vegetable, the main component being some sort of large meat product, usually ham or beef. I don’t want to gross her out, but Twilight’s scientifically minded. Unlike some ponies around here, she accepts that humans have certain dietary parameters. I also mentioned Christmas cookies, but not what they were for. Santa can stay on Earth.

Question 4: Did you know that massaging gives the masseur a sense of happiness and fulfillment, and the masseurs are generally paid well?

…Next.

Question 5: What traditions are practiced on Krystmass?

Alright, bit of a tricky one. Okay…I wrote about the gift giving, the mistletoe, all that jazz, but stressed that they were all optional. I don’t need anypony thinking that humans are all possession obsessed freaks…despite the nugget of truth in that claim.

I went to flip to the next page, but was surprised when all I saw was the surface of the desk. I flipped through the sheets to double check, and as it turns out, there were only five pages.

That’s only four Christmas related questions. And rather broad questions for Twilight to be asking. You’d think she’d write a thousand questions that are extremely specific, and most importantly, seemingly minute and arbitrary. Point being, she’d want every last detail. So why would she…

You know what, this isn’t my problem. If Twilight isn’t satisfied with my answers, she can take it up with Future Hunter. Present Hunter just wants to sleep and keep a lid on painfully happy memories of a holiday he’ll never celebrate again and…whatever.

I trudged downstairs and slapped the filled questionnaire on the shop counter, and then went straight back upstairs.

I saw Pinkie at the counter. I heard her greet me. But I don’t feel much like talking.

I plopped down onto my bed once more, and only had time for one more thought before sleep

consumed me:

If only I had known that last Christmas was going to be my last Christmas.

Holiday Interlude Part 3: First Christmas

Holiday Interlude Part 3: First Christmas

“HUNTY!”

“GAH!”

I fell from my bed in a rather awkward fashion, my legs hanging over the mattress and my shoulders on the ground.

“Ow.“ I moaned. “My everything.” I opened my eyes to see that Pinkie Pie was standing above me, looking a bit more smiley than usual. What’s got her so...oh…

That’s right. Today is Hearths Warming. As in ‘not Christmas’. Great. I’m ecstatic.

“Get up!” Pinkie squealed happily. “Getupgetupgetupgetupgetup!”

“Good morning to you too, Pinks.” I responded flatly. I got up from my awkward positioning, rubbing my aching back. And then I promptly fell back onto my bed, threw the covers haphazardly over myself, and buried my face in my pillow.

“What are you doing?” Pinkie trotted over to the bed and jumped up, laying next to me.

“Going back to sleep.” I responded, and then turned around so my back faced her. I have absolutely no intention of getting up today. I have a free day off, and it’s not even for a holiday I celebrate. All I plan to do is go back to sleep, and if I have time, brood. Maybe throw in some self pity, if it fits into my schedule.

Lemme elaborate here: No more Christmas for me. Ever. And apparently in this technicolor happy fun time world I’m stuck in, there’s a holiday on the exact same day that celebrates something completely different. A holiday which will remind me every year for the rest of my life of something that I once cherished that I am never going to be a part of again.

So yeah. Fuck getting up today. Fuck taking place in any festivities. Bah humbug.

“B-But,” Pinkie said, starting to sound panicky for whatever reason, “it’s Hearths Warming! We can walk around town, play some games, have another snow war, think of the snow Hunty, think of the snow!”

“Nah.” I responded nonchalantly. “I’m just gonna sleep. It’s a human thing. We hibernate one day a year. That day just happens to be today. Real pity, but hey, biology.”

I turned back to see that Pinkie’s face was all scrunched up and a hoof was to her chin, as if she was thinking really hard about something.

“I think…” Pinkie began, building up to her epiphany, “you’re lying!” She accused with a gasp, bopping me lightly on the nose. “Bad Hunty!”

“I’m not lying.” I lied. “I really do have to sleep all day today. It’s a real shame, but it’s a burden

I’ll have to bear.”

“Liar liar, plants for hire!” Pinkie recited.

“It’s ‘pants on fire’, Pinks.” I corrected flatly.

“Well you would know. Liar.” Pinkie replied, accentuating ‘liar’ with another bop to the nose.

I rolled my eyes and turned back around, hoping that she would just leave.

“...So you’re not gonna come downstairs?” I heard her ask.

“Nope.”

“For anything?”

“Nothing I can think of.”

“...Alright Hunty. You’ve forced my hoof.”

It was then that I felt something grip around the elastic waistband of my boxers and pull me- ah shit not again OW!

Oh hello floor, old pal.

Once I recover from my heads impact with the floor, I see that Pinkie has bitten down on my boxers and was pulling me towards the staircase. I suddenly regret deciding to sleep only in my underwear. If I hadn’t, this wouldn’t have so many possibilities to go horribly wrong.

“Agh, Pinks!” I yelped, already at the base of the staircase. “Bad touch!”

Pinkie mumbled something incoherent, seeing as my boxers were in her mouth, and I’m sorry, allow me to repeat in order to emphasis how horrifying this is, my boxers are in her mouth.

“Pi-ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!” I began, letting out grunts of pain from each individual stair that my head was hitting on the way downstairs.

I heard a small tearing sound, and nearly had a heart attack. Was that my underwear?! Shit shit shit shit shit!

We finally reached the bottom of the staircase, and Pinkie released her grip on the only thing hiding my modesty.

“Pinkie, what the heck are you...why is it so dark in here?” I asked in confusion, noticing that it was pitch black in the main room of the confectionery.

Pinkie flashed me a grin that practically shined in the darkness. Without saying anything, she moved over to the light switch and raised her hoof dramatically. She slammed her hoof down on the switch, nearly blinding me with all of the multicolored lights that suddenly turned on.

“SURPRISE!”

My vision slowly coming back to me, I saw something...strange.

The entire room was painted in red, white, and green stripes. Levitating somewhat randomly in the room were small orbs of light, also the same festive colors. In the center of the room was a gargantuan tree that actually bent at the ceiling and pressed along the ceiling for a few feet. The tree was covered in random everyday objects, from cutlery to tin cans. Hanging on the walls were several long fishnet stockings of varying colors, ranging the entire light spectrum. And across the room, each holding a wrapped box in their hooves, were Maud and Twilight, each smiling...which was a rather rare sight coming from the former.

Did they...no way...they didn’t…

“P-Pinks?” I asked shakily, looked down to my side and seeing Pinks smiling happily at me.

“Happy Christmas, Hunter.” She said quietly.

They did it. They really did it. I felt my eye began to water, the feeling of happiness overflowi-

I’m suddenly painfully aware of how I’m only dressed in boxers.

“Be back in a sec!” I shout quickly before running up the stairs as fast as I could. I threw open my closet, grabbed a t-shirt, slacks, and socks, threw them all on, and bound back down the stairs. The girls were at the base of the stairs, exchanging confused glances, but were then caught off guard as an extremely happy human scooped them into it’s arms and hugged the everliving fuck out of them.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” I belted out, giving them the most rigorous glomp ever to be given. “I can’t believe-how did you-! can’t even-”

“Um, Hunter.” Twilight groaned. “Crushing lungs. Lungs are being crushed.”

“Oh, whoops.” I chuckled sheepishly, putting them all down carefully on the floor. I looked around at the decorations again, surprised at how much they got wrong but thankful that they put forth the effort.

...The fishnet stocking do raise some questions though...ahem, anyway.

“How did you do all this?” I asked in legitimate wonder.

“Remember that thing I had you fill out?” Pinkie asked.

“Yeah, the...Christmas...oh. Ohhhhh.” Face, allow me to introduce you to hand. I’m sure you’ll be seeing each other often.

How did I not realize that? Oh, so Twilight just happened to give me a questionnaire on Christmas the day before when it would have been celebrated, and only happened to ask questions that only involve in how to go about celebrating the holiday. Good job, brain. Really lined that up neatly. Only took a day.

“Twilight mentioned the holiday to me,” Pinkie went on, “and I thought that it was so sad that you wouldn’t be able to celebrate it like you did on Earth anymore, so we got the idea to be super sneaky and ask you questions about how to throw you a Christmas party!”

“That’s awesome!” I said, genuinely touched that they went through all this effort for me. “But, ah...why isn’t anybody else here?” I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but it’s a fair question. I mean, it’s not like it really matters. Pinkie’s my best friend, and strangely enough I’ve been talking with Maud and Twilight more than any other of Pinkie’s friends.

“Oh, the girls are setting up festivities in Ponyville for Hearths Warming.” Twilight explained.

“And the Cakes are out visiting family.” Pinkie added.

“What about the Crusaders?” I inquired.

“We let them sleep in.” Twilight said. Okay…

“Shouldn’t you guys be celebrating Hearths Warming with your families?” I said, feeling slightly guilty.

“Hearths Warming is only celebrated during the afternoon and night.” Twilight said, sounding a bit cross. “I told you that when I was teaching you Equestrian history. Don’t tell me you didn’t remember.”

“Eh heh, sorry about that.” I apologized awkwardly. “But what about-”

Pinkie jumped right in front of me, stood on her back legs, and grabbed my face with the sides of her hooves.

“Hunty.” She said with alarming sternness. “This isn’t a Q and A session. It’s a party. Suspend your disbelief for a minute and enjoy yourself, okay?”

“Excuse me?” I said after a pregnant silence. Pinkie let go of my face and got back down onto all four hooves, smiling at me like nothing had happened.

“I said the Cakes were out visiting family.” She said innocently, overflowing with bubbly charm.

I’m beginning to think that the sooner I just accept this, the sooner we can move on to getting Christmas underway. That’s just too motivating to get hung up on something like this.

“Forget it.” I said, throwing my hands up into the air, as if throwing all the fucks that I once gave away into the ether. “Let’s do Christmas stuff!”

“Alrighty!” Pinkie said happily. “What’s the first thing we do?”

“We rudley wake each other up to get us downstairs as quickly as possible.” I said with a smirk. “But it looks like we can cross that one off the list.”

Pinkie, for her part, looked down sheepishly and scratched her hoof at the floor.

“Sorry about that.” She said timidly.

I smiled at her and scratched her head, causing her to bounce slightly and smile widely. Heh, Twilight looks jealous.

“Don’t be.” I said. “You don’t know how much all of this means to me.”

“Now,” I added, getting on to business, “the next thing after that is we all exchange gifts. It’s not really necessary, to don’t feel like I put you on the spot.”

The girls just gave each other knowing smiles. It was then that Pinkie pulled three wrapped lumps out of her mane and placed them at my feet.

...Nope. I’m not okay with this.

“Girls, I can’t accept these.” I said, somewhat guilty that they had gone out of their way to get them only for me to reject them.

“Hunty, c’mon.” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes. “Just take ‘em.”

“I can’t.” I repeated. The girls motioned to the object, but I interrupted them. “Let me explain myself.” The girls glanced at each other with confused looks, but nodded to me anyways.

“I wrote on that questionnaire that present giving was optional.” I began. “What I didn’t write was just how unimportant that is to me. Holidays shouldn’t be materialistic, and certainly not this one. What I was so bummed about wasn’t that I wasn’t going to get any presents this year; I was sad that I wouldn’t be able to experience the sense of love and togetherness that comes with Christmas ever again. It was too much to bear.”

I wiped my suddenly wet eyes before continuing.

“But knowing that you three have put forth such an effort in order to make me happy is just...it makes me have that experience all over again. And I couldn’t be more grateful to have such amazing friends.”

There was a pause in which no words were spoken, and all of us just gave each other warm looks, the girl’s emotions gradually building until Maud broke the silence.

“Group hug.” She said with a small smile. The mares suddenly rushed me, creating a dog pile on top of me where they proceeded to snuggle the shit out of me.

“Oh, isn’t this precious.” An unfamiliar voice uttered.

“GAH!” Everyone yelped.

All of the girls fell off of me, surprised at the appearance of...I’m sorry, what the fuck am I looking at?

Floating above us is some sort of...creature. It’s like...part...everything. Bat, horse, lion, alligator, everything. And it’s giving me and girls the biggest shit eating grin I’ve ever seen.

“Who are you?” Me and Maud asked in unison.

“Allow me to allow Princess Friendship here to introduce myself.” The creature says regally with a bow. Twilight doesn’t say anything for a moment before sighing and rolling her eyes.

“It’s Discord.” She said briefly. Discord held a paw to his chest and let out a small gasp.

“Oh, Princess, you wound me so!” he said overdramatically. “Not, ‘Master of Chaos’, or, ‘World’s Hottest Stud’, but just ‘Discord’? I thought we had something.”

“Whatcha doing here, Disscy?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh, I was just in the neighborhood and heard that you were throwing a shindig for our little anomaly here, and couldn’t pass up the chance for a cameo.” Discord explained.

Wait, what?

“I hope I brought the right attire.” He continued before he disappeared in a flash, and reappeared in some...oh my God.

He was wearing a yarmulke, had curly locks hanging down either side of his face, and was holding a menorah.

“Mazel tov!” He said excitedly, shaking the menorah.

I couldn’t help it. I completely bust a gut at his appearance, falling on my back and holding my stomach.

“What?” Discord said, completely confused. “I wasn’t even making a joke that time.” He pondered for a moment before shrugging. “I guess I’m just inherently hilarious. Was there ever any doubt?”

I got to my feet, letting out a few final chuckles. I pointed at Discord and looked at Twilight.

“I like him.” I stated simply.

“Yes! Victory for chaos!” Discord said. “Muhahaha-ack, *cough*, ack. Ugh. Sorry, the sappy atmosphere in here was choking me. Now how to go about fixing that…” He suddenly snapped his fingers and disappeared.

“...Is he gone?” Maud asked.

“I wouldn’t bet on it.” Twilight said, looking around the room. “I swear, that draconequus is the most...oh my.” Twilight was looking up towards the ceiling, and then looked back to me, her eyes wide.

Confused by her expression, I looked up, and saw Discord floating above us, stifling a laugh.

But the true horror wasn’t the master of chaos. It was what he was dangling above us, between me and Twilight. On a string gripped in his paw hung a small bundle of leaves with white berries.

Mistletoe.

“Um, Twilight.” I began, still looking at the mistletoe. “It’s just a silly tradition. You don’t hav-“

I felt a quick movement in front of me, a light pressure on my cheek, and the moisture that the contact had left. My eyes darted to Twilight, who was slowly backing away, a smile and a huge blush on her face, her eyes cast down. Realization quickly dawned on me, and my hand flew to my cheek as my eyes widened. I think I could actually hear the Pie sister’s jaws hit the floor.

“Did you…but you’re…and I’m…and we…but the….and you-“ Alright, good to know I’m still as smooth as ever.

“I, um, have to go book some reads.” Twilight said in a rush. “I mean, flower the waters. Uh, letter a write- BYE!” And with that, she teleported away, presumably outside of Sugarcube Corner and towards her castle.

“But…but the-what?!” I yelled in confusion. “Bububu-what!? What, mistletoe, what?! DISCORD!!!!”

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!”

Long Gone

Long Gone

“Hunter...”

“Mmmh…”

“Hunter.”

“...”

“Hunter!!!”

My head shot up from my bed, then turned to find the source of the voice that had so rudely awoken me.

“Mom?” I asked groggily, rubbing my eyes. She was standing in my doorway. Oh, crud. She looks absolutely livid. What did I do wrong this time?

“What are you doing in bed?!” she yelled at me, trudging over to me and pulling me out of bed.

“It’s summer, Mom.” I said, rolling my eyes. “It’s not like I have school.”

Mom stopped fussing with me for a moment to look at me incredulously, as if I was the most oblivious person on the planet.

“Are you kidding me?!” she shouted, throwing a few random articles of clothes that had been lying on the floor to me. “Get dressed, eat breakfast, see you in the car, hurry!”

What?

Dad walked by the door, a mug of coffee in his hand. He idly took a sip, then looked down at me with a small smile.

“I don’t think Mommy is a morning person.” He joked. I didn’t laugh.

I don’t laugh very often.

“WALTER!!!” Mom screamed from the kitchen. My dad fumbled with the coffee and bolted down the hallway.

“Coming, dear!” He yelled back in a panic.

It was about that point that my mother’s words finally sunk into my head.

Today was going to be my first day as a second grader.

*One Year Later*

“...What?”

My parents stole a glance at each other, then reverted their gaze to me. Mom brushed a lock of golden hair out of her eyes, then lowered the hand to idly rub her stomach. Dad got on one knee to look me face to face and donned a rather sheepish expression.

“Your mother and I are having another baby.” He said gently. “Now, I realize that this may be a bit hard for you accept, but-”

My mind cut out whatever he said next. My brain was working overtime to comprehend what I was hearing, and my thoughts were running a mile a minute.

The first thing I felt at the news was confusion.

Another kid? Why would my parents want another kid? Am I...am I not…

The confusion quickly turned to fear.

...am I not good enough? What if...what if they want to replace me? What if they don’t want me any more? I don’t want to go! I...I don’t…why would they do this to me? Don’t they love me?

And that fear turned to an intense hatred.

....I’ll never accept their baby. Ever. I’ll never love it, never see it as a part of our family. As far as I’m concerned, the baby doesn’t exist. They might have another kid, but I’ll never have a sibling.

“Hunter?”

I looked up, my eyes filled with a rage of the likes I’d never experienced in my short life.

“What!?” I yelled.

Dad’s hand, which had been approaching me tentatively, abruptly recoiled. He looked very sympathetic. I didn’t want his sympathy.

“Son, I’m sorry if-” He began before Mom put a hand on his shoulder. He looked up with a questioning look in his eyes, and my mother just shook her head at him.

“Honey,” Mom said, looking back down at me and smiling nervously, “Daddy and I are gonna be in the kitchen. Take as much time as you need to think about this.”

She patted Dad on the shoulder and retreated down the hall. Dad gave a backwards glance to her, then back to me. He just smiled at me and ruffled my hair.

“I’m sorry if this is hard for you, champ.” He said in what he must have believed was a consoling voice. “But I’m sure that by the time your sibling gets here, you’ll be a bit more keen to the-”

“WALTER!!!” My mother’s powerful voice boomed from the kitchen.

“Coming!” Dad shouted behind his shoulder. He gave me one last smile, stood up, and dashed down the hall to the kitchen.

I was left in the hall, a frown on my face and a seething rage in my heart. I might not be able to stop them from having another kid.

But I can stop it from having a loving brother.

*Nine Months Later*

I was sitting in the hospital waiting room. I wasn’t allowed to go inside the room my parents entered. Dad said something about ‘mental scars that would never heal’, and that made Mom punch him in the arm. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I guess it’s best to stay put in here.

Ugh...my parents kept telling me that they’re not trying to replace me, that they’ll love me and this baby equally. Yeah, okay. Sure. I wasn’t born yesterday. God, I hate this baby. As soon as they come out of that room with it, I’m going to walk right up to it, and-

Oh, look at that, I won’t have to wait as long as I thought I’d have to.

My parents exited the room, Dad on his feet with a bundle in his hands and Mom in a wheelchair. Jeez. Remind me to never go through childbirth, because she looks-

“Hunter.” Dad said quietly, getting down on one knee and putting the bundle in front of my face. “This is your little sister. Her name is Jennifer.” He looked over at Mom, giving her a small smile, one that she gladly returned.

I took the bundle in my hands, and looked down to see a little baby girl sleeping inside. Huh...I’ve never seen a baby this close before. Everything looks so...small. Her hands, her head, her eyes, everything. I also didn’t know babies were born with hair, but sure enough, she had some blonde hair coming out of her tiny head.

The baby’s eyes opened, revealing blue eyes that were almost startling in their color. I don’t know how to put it...they were very intense, but lighthearted at the same time. She looked up at me with a small frown, curious.

I leaned down, getting real close to the baby’s face, until we were almost nose to nose. And then I whispered something I’d wanted to say straight to it’s face ever since I’d heard of it’s creation.

“I hate you.”

...The baby then smiled widely,  giggled, and bopped me on the nose.

*One Year Later*

...I’ve decided I hate my parents.

Well, at least for today. They had to go somewhere for an hour, some meeting or something, I wasn’t really listening. And they thought, ‘hey, it’s only an hour, and Hunter is responsible, so why doesn’t he watch Jennifer?’.

I mean, I’m eleven, but I know when a serious lack in judgement is present. I mean, I guess it’s kind of short notice for a babysitter, but still. Now I have to watch the one year old that I hate the most out of all the one year olds in the world...which is just the one in this room, but whatever. I can’t even leave the room. They said if I did, then they’d ground me. Not that they’d know if I’d left or not, but...I’m sixty percent sure that my mom can read my mind. She always knows when I’m lying. I’m not risking it. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.

I looked over at Jennifer, who was just crawling around like an idiot. Like always. One thing I’ve noticed about her is that she never stops moving. Ever. She’s always playing with something, or banging on something, or shaking something, and more often than not, chewing on something. In fact- oh, yep. There goes a building block. Great.

I waited for about a minute for her to spit it out. Then another minute. And another. Um...should...should I do something about this?

I stood up from my seat, and of course as soon as I did, she spit it out. She then looked straight at me and giggled.

...It’s like she knows.

Well, at least- nope, there goes another block. Possible mother mind reading powers be darned, alright. I’m not dealing with a one year old troll.

“Hey.” I called over to the baby, as if it knew what I was saying. “Don’t break anything.” She just looked over to me, looking confused for a moment before smiling, the block falling out of her mouth. I rolled my eyes and left the room, shutting the door behind me.

Well, at least that’s over. Time to watch some Spongebob, eat popcorn, take a nap, maybe-

Wahhh!

I winced at the sudden noise, and turned around to see that the noise had come from my sister’s room. Oh, you have got to be kidding me. You know what, no. My parents aren't here, and I’m sure that she’ll work out whatever she’s crying about eventually.

Rrrrrvvvvvvv….

...Oh crap. They’re pulling into the driveway. It’s only been ten minutes! What the actual heck! Oh, this is bad. If they hear her crying….no no no I’m so screwed!

I ran back to the room, flung the door open and looked around. Sure enough, Jennifer was sitting on the floor crying. Okay, quick brain, how do you stop a baby from crying? Bottle? Don’t have one. Feed it? No time to run to the fridge. Change it’s...nope, not doing that one. Um, um, er...lullaby? Do I even know any lullabies? Um...I guess I know one, but I’m not really the singing type. Is there anything else I could-

“Hunter! We’re home!”

Waaaah!

Screw it.

I ran up to Jennifer and scooped her up in my arms, holding her against my chest to constrict her movement. I began to sing in a hushed voice:

“Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

And down will come baby, cradle and all.”

Huh. I don’t hear any crying. I looked down to see that Jennifer actually fell asleep in my arms, a content smile on her face. Weird...I thought it would have been harder.

“Hunter?” I heard my mom ask in a panicky voice. I turned around to see that she was standing in the doorway, looking worried. She looked down, saw Jennifer, and let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh, I thought I heard Jennifer crying.” she said. “I guess it was just my imagi…” she trailed off as she took in everything before her. “Awwwwww!”

I felt my cheeks heat up in embarrassment, and tried to defend myself.

“Uh, she just grabbed onto my arm, and crawled up here, and, um…” I said, giving probably the lamest excuse I’d ever given in my life. My mom just rolled her eyes.

“Okay, Hunter. Sure.” she said jokingly, chuckling as she left the room and walked down the hallway.

I looked down at my sister and frowned at her. She had woken up, and was smiling stupidly at me. She does that a lot.

“Never make me do that again.” I whispered to her, mostly for myself. I don’t expect her to respond. She hasn’t even said her first word ye-

“Hunty.”

...What?

I looked down at my baby sister again, my eyes wide. Did...did she just…?

“What did you just say?” I asked her, baffled. She smiled even wider.

“Hunty.” she repeated in a high pitched, ridiculously happy voice, then reached out and poked my cheek. “Hunty.”

...Hunty?

*Four Years Later*

“C’mon, Hunty!”

I groaned. She never stopped calling me that. I’ve no idea how the nickname stuck, but I don’t think it’s going away anytime soon.

“Stop calling me that.” I requested flatly as I followed my sister. She giggled and turned around, her long blonde hair swaying with her.

“Don’t be silly!” she said in that impossibly bubbly voice of hers. “You’re Hunty, Hunty, so I have to call you Hunty because you’re Hunty!”

“...What?” I responded. She just laughed and kept walking.

I sighed and put my hands in my pockets. I know that five year olds have a lot of energy, but when I was five, I never had as much as Jennifer did now. And I can tell that my parents don’t know what to do with her. Heck, they probably shoved us outside today just to stop Jennifer from drawing on the walls or...I don’t know, swinging on the chandelier, or something equally stupid.

Right now we’re just wandering the park outside our house. Well, she’s wandering. I’m being dragged along against my will. Although...I guess nothing is technically stopping me from turning around and leaving her here...no, no, then I’d just get in trouble. Oh, she’s getting a little too far ahead. Better get her attention.

“Jennifer!” I called out.

“Jenny!” she said pointedly. What?

“Excuse me?” I asked, taken aback at her outburst. She turned around and walked right up to me. She looked up at me and...seriously? Is she pouting?

“Don’t call me Jennifer.” she requested, poking me in the stomach with her index finger. “Call me Jenny.”

“...Why?” I asked, completely oblivious to whatever she was trying to tell me. Oops. She didn’t like that. She’s still pouting.

“It’s a nickname.” she stated.

“...And?” I asked after a short pause. Jennifer sighed and rolled her eyes.

“And I have a nickname for you.” she said. “So, you should have one for me.” She turned around and tilted her head up at the sky. Her hands were held together behind her, her thumbs twiddling lazily.

“I mean…” she went on, probably trying to get her thoughts together. “Mommy’s real name isn’t Mommy, but I call her that. Same with Daddy. So...aren't nicknames just for people who mean a lot to you?”

That took me a second to process. Is that why she still calls me Hunty? Because I mean something to her?

“Don’t I mean a lot to you?” she asked, turning around and smiling hopefully at me.

Why do I feel guilty all of a sudden? And what the hell am I supposed to say to that? I...I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She didn’t do anything wrong, I guess. But would I say she means a lot to me?

Well...now that I think about it...she’s the only person I really hang out with. Jeez, how sad is that? Fifteen, and my only friend is this frickin’ weirdo. But, well…

“Um…” I began, feeling awfully awkward. “I guess...speaking relatively...I mean, compared to everybody else-”

“Hunty, quit it with the big words.” Jennifer said, frowning.

“They aren't big words, Jenny!” I blurted out without thinking. “Read a book, sometime. Maybe you’ll learn a word with more than three syllables.”

Oddly, Jennifer started getting the biggest grin. Wait, what did I say? ‘They aren't big words, Jenny...’ oh. Did I say-

My thoughts were put on hold when Jenny-I mean, Jennifer, ran up and glomped me. I pulled my hands away and stumbled backwards from the impact, but managed to stay standing. Jenny-ugh, no, I mean Jennifer, had her arms wrapped around my neck and had her head over my shoulder.

“Yay!” she exclaimed happily. “You called me Jenny, you called me Jenny!”

“It-” I started, ready to tell her off...but then I paused. Did calling her by a nickname really make her this happy? Well...I-I guess at this point, calling her Jennifer would just make her mad and than she’d try to get me in trouble. That’s why I’m not telling her it was an accident. Right.

“Hm?” Jenny hummed, pulling back and looking at me quizzically. I sighed and looked off to the side.

“Nothing...Jenny.” I grumbled. She giggled and hugged me tighter.

Oddly enough...that wasn’t as hard to say as I thought it would be.

*One Year Later*

“Ugh...Jenny…” I groaned as I trudged up the hill. “Where are we going?”

“Just c’mon!” she yelped, running up the hill. Once again. Energy. How? It’s near impossible how much she has?

“Just...just slow down...whew.” I put my hands on my knees and bent forwards, trying to catch my breath. No, I’m not out of shape. It’s a big hill. Shut it.

I heard a sigh, and felt Jenny grab my hand with her dainty one. I felt a small force being exerted on my arm, and...seriously?

I looked up to see Jenny straining with the task set before her, her sneakers digging into the ground as she tried desperately to pull me up the hill.

“This is kind of sad.” I stated blankly. She stuck her tongue out at me and let go, going on without me.

“Move it!” she called out behind her. I just groaned and pumped my legs, trying my hardest to catch up to her.

I finally reached the crest of the hill and promptly collapsed, lying on my back and breathing heavily. Alright, note to self: Less bacon, more light exercise. I looked over to the side to see that Jenny was also lying on her back, but not out of exhaustion like me. No, she was just smiling like a madman while staring up into the sky. I followed her eyes, but I didn’t see anything interesting. Just blue and spots of white.

“What, huff, are you so, huff, happy about?” I said between breaths. She didn't even glance in my direction.

“I’m watching them dance.” she responded. What?

“Excuse me?” I asked. I looked back at the sky, and surprisingly enough, I did not see any people dancing. This reinforces the much more likely scenario of my sister being insane. Eh. I was pretty sure of that before now, anyways.

“I don’t see anybody dancing.” I said to her. She just leaned over to me and pointed up at the sky.

“Right there.” she said. “See? Those two, in the white.”

I decided to humor her and followed her finger to...nothing. Just clouds and sky. Wait...in the white…

“Are you talking about the clouds?” I asked, looking back and forth between the sky and my sister. She nodded fervently and smiled at me, happy that I guessed right.

“I don’t see any dancers.” I said dismissively. “Just white lumps.” Jenny poked me in the side, eliciting a small wince of pain.

“What was that for?” I asked, rubbing my side.

“They are not just white lumps.” Jenny said as if speaking to a child...which is odd, considering that she’s the kid here. “They are Mr. Von Bartlesbee and Mrs. Dewitt, and they’re dancing the waltz.”

...What.

“What are you talking about?” I asked. I’m beginning to feel genuinely concerned about my sister’s sanity. Could my parents still visit her if I admitted her into a mental ward?

“Look at the clouds.” she said, pointing again. And I did look. And all I saw was clouds. No waltzing people with odd names.

“All I see are clouds.” I admitted. Jenny scooted over to me and grabbed my arm, pointing it for me at the clouds.

“Look closer.” she instructed. “They’re not just clouds. See, they make all kinds of shapes. You just have to use a little imagination.”

“...Was that a five syllable word I just heard?” I asked a bit smugly. Jenny poked me again.

“Shush.” she said. “Just look at them again.”

And so I did. And...well...I guess I can see what she’s talking about. I can sort of see a face there...and a leg there...maybe an arm there...huh. It actually does look like two people dancing.

“I think I see it.” I said, feeling a bit odd. Jenny didn’t let go of my arm, but instead pointed it at a different cloud.

“What about that one?” she said excitedly. I looked up at it and thought for a moment.

“Dog.” I stated.

“And that one?” Jenny said, moving my arm again.

“Cat.”

“And that one?”

“Baseball bat.”

“What about that one?”

“I think...a hat, maybe?”

“Oh, oh, Hunty, look out!” Jenny suddenly exclaimed, standing up and pulling me along down the hill.

“What now?” I asked, trying not to trip as she dragged me along. She pointed up in the sky at a small formation of clouds.

“Bomber planes!” she shouted. “They’re right on top of us! Run!”

I caught on pretty quick after that. I have no idea what brought on the urge, but I ran up ahead of Jenny and crouched down.

“Hop on!” I yelled, playing along. “We gotta get to cover!” I felt Jenny hop onto me and wrap her arms around my neck, and I reached back to support her legs. Where my energy came from for the next couple seconds, I’ll never know, but I was off like a bullet, racing down the hill with my little sister laughing the whole way down.

We finally reached the bottom of the hill, and that’s when my energy gave out. I fell to my knees to let Jenny hop off of me, and once she was clear I laid down on my back. I held my forehead in one hand, trying to catch my breath.

And then...I felt some odd kind of lightness in my heart, one I’d never felt before...I don’t know what came over me, but I started to laugh like a madman. Not the fake laugh I use for my parents' friends’ jokes, no, this one felt different. It felt liberating, wholehearted...gleeful.

“Hunty?”

I tilted my head back to see an upside down little girl looking down at me with a curious frown on her face.

“Did you just laugh?” she asked, sounding disbelieving.

“Er, yeah.” I said, surprised at my own actions. “I guess I did.”

Jenny’s small frown turned into a big goofy smile, and she reached down with her small hand to pat my head.

“Good.” she said happily. “You need to do that more often.”

And, somehow, that got me to laugh even harder.

*Six Months Later*

“Sergeant Jenny, I request an alliance between our-” I began before getting a face full of snow.

“...nations.” I finished. Jenny laughed so hard that she fell down behind her bunker, rolling around in the snow.

“So that’s how you want to play it, huh?” I said in a low voice. I reached down and packed a snowball in my hand, then prepared to fire. As soon as she stood up, I flung it with all of my might…

...only for the snowball to soar right over her head. Jenny looked behind her and gasped, then turned on me and pointed dramatically.

“Lieutenant Hunty has returned fire!” she announced. “This means war!” She then reached behind her and picked up an arm full of snowballs.

Oh crap.

“No no no no no!” I yelled while waving my hands in front of myself before the impact of several snowballs hitting my body at once knocked me onto my ass.

*Six Months Later*

I dove under the water stealthily, my prey blissfully unaware of my submergence. The water was my natural habitat; I was a hunter in his own territory, one that had shaped himself over the grindstone of time into a fearsome weapon of nature. I snuck behind the foolish animal in front of me, poised to strike, and then…

...I swam under my sister, pulled her legs on top of my shoulders, and emerged from the water.

“Gah!” I yelled as I broke the surface. Jenny was surprised for a moment, but then started to break down into ecstatic laughter.

“I’m so high up!” she said gleefully, lifting her arms up to the sky. “Higher, Hunty, higher!”

I obeyed her command, laughing with her as I stood up on my tiptoes. Then, out in the distance, we both heard a glorious sound:

The Entertainer. And that song can only mean one thing when you’re at the beach.

“Ice cream!” Jenny and I yelled in unison. Shifting Jenny so the shoulder ride became a piggyback ride, I ran out of the shallow water and onto the shore, running up the beach towards our spot.

“Mom, wallet, stat!” I said quickly to my tanning mother. She pulled down her sunglasses a bit to give me that said, ‘seriously?’, but knew that I meant serious business. Rolling her eyes, she reached over to her purse and took out my wallet. She tossed it up to Jenny, as I was holding my little sisters legs to keep her steady. As soon as the wallet was in Jenny’s hands, I was off like a bullet.

We had to get a good space in line, we had to! I could see kids running on either side of me, fresh five dollar bills in their hands, joyful looks on their faces. Oh no, no freaking way they’re going to get in front of us!

“Hunty, we’re not gonna make it!” My sister said to me as she held onto both my wallet and my shoulders for dear life.

“None of that quitter talk, Jenny!” I said fiercely. “We are getting first in line if it is the last thing I do!”

And so I ran, and ran, and ran faster than I’d ever ran in my life. Kids were falling behind, tripping over their feet, falling into the sand, calling out ‘Noooo!’ as they realized the harsh reality that they’d never make it to the truck before the line piled up.

The truck came into my sight, just sitting there on the road that lead up to the beach. Victory is so close!

Suddenly, a kid a few years younger than me pulled up next to me, pumping his arms, putting in work.

No...no! He’s getting ahead! We can’t let him-

“Hey!” Jenny yelled to the kid. He turned and looked up at her with a confused expression on his face.

Now it’s not like I could see Jenny, but from some familiar sounds I heard, I can determine with ninety percent certainty that she was making silly faces. And no one is better than Jenny at silly faces.

The kid, understandably, started laughing, but then stopped when he tripped over a discarded can of soda and fell into the sand.

Yes! Nothing can withstand the sheer comedic power of silly faces!

Finally we made it to the truck, just parked there in all of it’s glory. I let Jenny off of my back, then fell onto my back on the sand as exhaustion hit me.

“Can I have a Choco Taco, please?” I heard Jenny ask the man in the truck.

“Sure thing.” He said happily, and handed her the ice cream taco. Jenny hovered over me, wallet in one hand and taco in the other.

“Hunty, what do you want?” she asked. I smiled and shook my head.

“I’m not feeling it. I think I’ll just lay here for a while.” I responded with a small chuckle.

The truth was, seeing her happy was the real treat.

*One Year Later*

“Hunty!”

I turned around to have Jenny crash into me, wrap her arms above my hips, and bury her face into my stomach.

“Jenny?” I asked tentatively. She looked up at me, and I felt my heart ache when I saw that her blue eyes were accompanied by tears.

“W-Why do you h-have to go?” she asked, both her voice and her body shuddering from her grief.

Today is the day I move away from home. I was going to drive up to the town nearby my college campus and use the money I’ve gathered to rent out a flat. Maybe even get a part time job. It would be a lot to juggle, but I did not want to live on campus.

I sighed and gently pushed Jenny off so I could bend down and get on eye level with her.

“Jenny, it’ll be fine.” I said reassuringly. “It’s only a few hours away. I’ll drive down all the time, I promise. Not even just for holidays; I’ll come down whenever I get the chance. Okay?”

Her tears were still flowing, and she looked down at the ground, not willing to make eye contact with me in her saddened state. It broke my heart.

I pulled her into a hug and put my head over her shoulder. She hugged me back immediately, her tears leaking into my shirt.

“I’ll call every week, no, every day.” I told her, trying to fight off my own emotions. “I’ll even pick you up from home and we can hang out in my flat. O-Okay?”

“P-Promise?” she asked, her voice muffled. I pulled back out of the hug and put out a single finger to her.

Jenny smiled brightly, outshining the depressed features of her visage. She stuck out her pinkie in turn, a small and delicate digit. I wrapped mine around hers, and both of our hands shook as we gave each other the most sacred promise of all.

A pinkie promise.

*One Year Later*

“Is it a boy?” I asked teasingly, my eyes on the road. I heard Jenny jostle in the front seat, and could practically feel her pout.

“No!” she said indignantly. I chuckled to myself, amused at her reaction.

“Well, what is it?” I asked, genuinely curious. I stole a glance to the right, and saw Jenny smiling happily, her legs swaying idly.

“Guess again!” she said, playing with a lock of her hair.

“Hmmmm... “ I hummed, feigning deep thought. She told me that she had news, but wanted me to guess first. We’d been going back and forth for a few minutes now, but I never grew impatient. I just couldn’t. Not with her.

We were driving up to my flat, and had a few hours in the car ride to go. She insisted that she sit in the front seat, and neither me nor my parents took any issue with it. I had a clean driving record, and they trusted me with her.

“Oh!” I said, a thought suddenly striking me. “Is it about that English test?”

“Maaaaybeee…” Jenny responded mysteriously, ruining the mystique by giggling at the end.

“Jenny…” I asked slowly, a smile creeping onto my face. “What did you-’

“An A plus!” she shouted, unable to hold in her excitement.

“Woah!” I said with exuberance, happy for her. I reached over and ruffled her hair. “Congrats, Jenny. You earned it.” I returned my hand to the wheel, and stole another glance at her. She was smiling at me, her eyes full of pride.

“Hey,” I began, “how about we celebrate once we get to the flat? We'll go out to dinner, your choice. How..."

I trailed off when a sudden harsh light entered my left field of vision, and I heard a loud metallic shriek accompanied by an earsplitting horn. My instincts took over, and my thoughts became quick and blunt.

Car

Left side

Incoming

Jenny

Front seat

Airbag

Jenny

Danger

Jenny

I lunged to my right, bracing my arm in front of the passenger seat’s airbag compartment. I met her glance for the briefest of moments, barely registering the look of shock and confusion on her face before I felt a tremendous force colliding with my car, and a searing pain rip through my arm.

I woke up to an intense pain running through my entire body. For several minutes I just laid down on the asphalt, twitching and moaning from the agony. I tried getting to my feet, but the pain was too severe, causing me to fall back down. I let a few deep breaths in and out, trying to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to do.

It’s fine. It’s going to hurt like a bitch, but I have to get up. C’mon..argh…..aaggh!

Biting my tongue in a futile attempt to ignore my pain, I got to my feet. I looked down at myself, and took in what a mess I was. My shirt had been torn on the side, and a long thin cut ran down my body accompanying it. I reached up with my right hand to feel my forehead, and brought it back to see a sticky red substance coating my hand. I felt a breeze and winced as pain ran through my left arm. I attempted to raise it, but the pain nearly brought me to tears. It was definitely broken. Glancing up from my battered body, I surveyed the area.

There was only one car on the street; mine. Jesus...it’s completely totalled. Every windshield is broken, the glass strewn about the road. The car had been flipped onto its passenger side, and the drivers side was a crumpled mess. No idea how I got over here. I guess I was flung out the window. Damn faulty seatbelt...

What caught my attention last was some form laying motionless on the ground near the destroyed vehicle. A skid mark of blood stretched from the wrecked car to the...wait...no...I wasn’t the only one in the car when it…

I felt a cold hand grip my heart.

...Oh God.

As quickly as my heavily injured body would allow, I lumbered over to the body that lay in the street. I saw her blonde hair obscuring her face, her arm twisted at an odd angle, and the pool  of blood that she was lying in.

No...no, no, this cannot be happening. This has to be a nightmare.

I slapped myself in the face, trying to wake myself up. But the scene remained the same. I slapped myself again, harder. Nothing. This can’t be real, it can’t be! In desperation, I punched myself in my broken arm, eliciting one of the greatest pains I’d ever felt in my life and a scream, but still I couldn’t wake myself from this nightmare.

Tears in my eyes, I fell to my knees next to the body and lifted it with my arms, forcing her to sit up. I brushed her hair out of her face, revealing her startling blue eyes, frozen wide open.

“Jenny…” I whisper, lightly shaking her. “Please...p-please wake up.” Her head rolled to the side, limp and dea...dea….no, no she can’t be. No!

“No, no please, J-Jenny, don’t do this to me!” I begged, my voice raising to a shout. “Please, don’t!”

I placed my head on her chest, listening for a heartbeat. All that was heard were my sobs.

“Oh, f-fucking Christ…” I wept, burying my face into my sister’s bloodied shirt. “O-oh God…”

All physical pain left my body. All I felt was guilt, sadness, loss...and emptiness.

*Two Weeks Later*

I didn’t really pay much attention at the funeral. I was supposed to appear, so I appeared. I was supposed to dress up in black, so I dressed up in black. I was supposed to nod and give my thanks to those who gave condolences, so I did just that. I was supposed to just ignore the whispers behind my back, the accusatory glances from my relatives ...and so I did.

Her body was in worse shape than I had noticed. She had broken every bone in her right arm, shattered three vertebrae and suffered from massive internal bleeding. The doctors told me she would have only felt pain for a few seconds. Far too long. They said that I couldn’t have done anything to avoid the crash, that I only had a few seconds to react. They said the airbag probably would have killed her if the crash didn’t. I listened to them, but I didn’t hear them.

I didn’t cry. Tears wouldn’t bring my sister back, and neither would pitying myself for my family’s loss. So I stood there next to my parents as the casket lowered into the ground, unmoving and unfeeling. A light in my life had been blown out far too soon, and a void had opened in my heart.

As soon as I got home from the funeral, I had gone into the supply closet and found it. I held it in my hands and walked to the balcony of my home in a haze, my thoughts unclear and muddled.

Pain

End

Funeral

I tied one end of it to the railing methodically and slowly.

Dead

Forever

Gone

I tied the other end into a loop and placed it around my neck.

Suffering

Loss

...End it

I stood up on the railing, closed my eyes, and took one shuddering last breath before taking a step forwards. It was then that one clear thought ran through my mind in the span of half a second:

Would she want this?

Gasping and eyes wide, I whipped around and grabbed the base of my balcony before the rope went taut. My broken arm made me scream in pain, but I pushed through it as hard as I could, pulling myself up over the railing and falling onto the floor of the balcony. I laid there, gasping for air and furiously untying the noose. I fell onto my side and curled up, cradling my injured arm and finally letting my tears flow, shuddering as sobs wracked my body.

*One Month Later*

I was in my car. Why am I in my car? I look over to the passenger seat, hopeful but wary.

And there she was. But...but she’s crying. W-Why is she crying?

“Jenny?” I asked with trepidation. She looked up and shivered, fearful. Why is she scared? What’s…

She backed up against the passenger door and turned her head away from me, shutting her eyes.

“W-Why did you kill me?” she whimpered. I had nothing to say to that. All of the air in my lungs had been beaten out by her words.

“J-Jenny, I-” I started, reaching out with my hand. Suddenly, Jenny fractured, as if she was made of porcelain. Her skin cracked, and cracked, until her entire body was covered in fractures.

“No!” I yelled out. I tried to grab her shoulder, but it was too late. Her body fell apart into pieces, unfixable. Broken. Immobile...

Dead.

Dead. Dead. Dead. She’s dead. I killed her. I killed my sister, I killed her, she’s not coming back, I’ll live out the rest of my life without her, she’ll never get married, never have kids, never reach old age, never experience life, I took that from her, I-

I bolted up in my bed in a cold sweat, gripping my forehead and panting heavily. The nightmares haven’t stopped.

I’m not sure they ever will.

*One Month Later*

EEEEEEH

EEEEEEH

EEEEEEH

I didn’t even glance at my alarm clock. I just laid on my bed flat on my back and stared up at the ceiling.

EEEEEEH

EEEEEEH

*One Month Later*

“Three-new-messages.” I heard my answering machine call out.

Beep!

“Son, I know that you’re not taking this wel-”

I pressed the ‘next’ button.

Beep!

“Your father called, and we just want to know if you’re oka-”

Next.

Beep!

“Hunter, return our calls. We need to tal-”

I picked up the answering machine, pulled the cord out of the outlet, and threw it against my wall. I just stood there for a moment, breathing heavily, before I collapsed on my bed and tried to get some sleep.

*Three Months Later*

Ringringring!

Ringringring!

I groaned and rolled over in my bed. I grabbed my phone and checked the caller ID. Work. Frowning, I left the phone on my bedside table and pulled my covers over myself.

Ringringring!

Ringringring!

Beep!

“Hunter, I know you’re there.” A feminine voice said flatly.

There was a pause, and I heard my boss sigh before continuing.

“Look, I know that this must be really hard for you, and I’m sorry, okay? But you can’t keep rejecting clients like this, or I’ll have to let you go.”

Another pause.

“...There’s a client who wants to set an appointment for tomorrow at one PM. I’ll email you her address. Show up, or consider yourself fired...and, for what it’s worth, I really am sorry.”

Beep!

I pulled the covers off of myself and slowly dragged my hand down my unshaven face.

“...Fuck.”

*One Day Later*

I so don’t want to be here. I’d be content to go about my usual rituals for the day, like lying in bed until I physically need to get up and go to the bathroom, then eat something then get back into bed, and then repeat the process. Indefinitely, if possible. Then eventually I’d think of my attempted suicide and what made me stop, feel like shit, and then go back to sleeping.

I know this isn’t healthy for me, but...when you’re so thoroughly convinced that you ki...that you kille...when you know that if you had just acted quicker, you could have saved...that she wouldn’t have…

...Half a year, and I can’t even bring myself to think about it.

I rang the doorbell again, a bit impatiently. I just want to get this job over with, get my pay, and get the hell out.

The door opened suddenly, and I looked up to see who I presumed to be my client. She was a bit shorter than me, blonde, looked about thirty...blue eyes…

“Hello!” She said warmly, leaning against the doorframe. “You must be the masseur.”

I just nodded and gave a fake smile. I’d gotten good at those. Fake smiles, I mean. You have to, when you haven’t had a reason to smile in half a year. When the folks swing by, you have to at least pretend to be happy, or else they’ll never go away.

“Well, don’t be shy.” The woman backed up and made an inviting gesture. “Come right in.”

I nodded again and walked in, taking my table and bag full of supplies with me. Upon entering the house, I gave a quick look around, and was surprised about how extravagant it was. The exterior of the home was nothing too special, but in here...nice rugs, fancy upholstery, glass chandelier, the works.

“You don’t talk much, do you?”

“Hm?” I mumbled, turning around to see the client with that warm smile still stuck on her face. It took me a moment to register her question, and I shook my head to clear my head.

“Um, sorry.” I apologized briefly. “Just have a lot on my mind. Er, you have a lovely home.” I added as an afterthought.

“Flattery is nice, but it won’t get you a tip.” she said in a joking manner, then extended a hand. “I’m Jessica. And you’re…?”

“Hunter.” I said, taking her hand and shaking it lightly. I gestured to my massaging equipment. “Where should we take this?”

“Right through here.” Jessica said, pointing over her shoulder, towards a large room with a television and leather furniture. There was enough space in the center for the table, so it works with me. Jessica turned around and led me into the room. I set up my table in the center of the room, reached into my bag, and handed her a towel.

“I’ll just wait in the other room while you get ready.” I said, going through the rudimentary masseur to client talk that I’ve had many times. I might not like it, but I need to be professional. “Just undress, lay down flat on the table, and cover yourself with the towel.”

“Got it. See you in a bit.” Jessica said. I gave her my fake smile and walked back to the foyer and waited on the couch that was pressed up against the wall. This gave me a chance to look around a bit, and I noticed...oh…

On the ground near the couch was a small toy horse. I reached down, picked it up, and turned it in my hands.

...Heh. I remember when these used to liter the house for almost a year. She was so obsessed with...with…

My hand started shaking, and the doll fell to the floor.

“Ready!”

I jumped a bit at the voice, and then suddenly remembered where I was. I shook my head and slapped my cheek lightly a few times, trying to physically drive away the memories that doll had brought back.

“Um, be right there!” I yelled. I took a backwards glance at the doll, then walked over to where Jessica was.

She had done what I said, and was lying stomach down on the table with the towel covering her modesty.

...Did I mention that I fucking hate this job? Because I do. I feel like I’m invading someone’s privacy or personal space or...I don’t know, something, by doing this. Partly because clients let us come into their own homes for massages, but mostly because of the close contact. But I’m good at this, evidently, and I need to get money somehow, so...yeah. Either that or I could go back to college. Yeah, right.

I walked over to her side, emptied out my bag, and set it’s contents on a nearby table. Assorted oils and the sort, you know.

“Is there any area in particular you need me to help with?” I asked politely, my voice a bit shaky.

“My shoulders have been killing me.” Jessica complained. “Oh, and my lower back.”

“Shoulders and lower back.” I repeated. “Got it.” I grabbed a bottle of oil, put some on my hands, and rubbed my hands together. Alright, Hunter. Massage for an hour, a bit of idle conversation, you get paid, and if you’re lucky you can put off seeing another client for a week.

I put my hands on her shoulders and started going to work.

“Could you dig a little deeper?” Jessica asked, placing her head on one side and looking back at me. I avoided her eyes and did as she asked.

“That’s great, thank you.” She said, smiling at me. God, does that smile ever come off her face?

“So, um,” I started, trying to distract myself with idle chat, “what do you do for a living?”

“Not too much.” Jessica said with a sigh. Whether that came from the conversing or the massage, I’ll never know. But I can guess. “I don’t work. Just take care of the house, the kids, you know how it is.”

To be a housewife? No, I don’t think I do.

“How many kids?” I say, moving my hands to a different position on her shoulders.

“One boy, one girl.” She said casually.

I must have paused, because her voice had to break me out of my thoughts.

“Why’d you stop?”

I looked down to see that my hands had indeed stopped working her shoulders. I panicked a bit and went back to work with increased vigor, eliciting a small exhale of breath from the woman.

“Sorry, sorry!” I said, slowing down. She turned her head to look back at me with a weird look in her eye.

“Now who told you to ease up?” she asked teasingly. I didn’t have anything to say to that, and just went back to the roughness I had accidentally initiated. Customer’s always right...I guess.

“So, kids?” I asked, trying to get back on track. “What are they like?”

“Oh, the boy is really well behaved.” Jessica praised, obviously proud as a mother. “Straight A’s, never had a call from school, really sweet kid.” Her face darkened a bit, and her voice turned from proud to exhausted. “The girl, on the other hand…”

I slowed down a bit at the mention of her daughter, but recovered quickly.

“W-What about her?” I said, my voice shaking again. The woman didn’t question it, though. Lost in the massage, I suppose.

“She’s a sweet girl, she really is.” Jessica assured. “Always has something nice to say, bubbly, grinning all the time...but...she’s just a handful, you know? She’s always bouncing off the walls, and she’s just....Hunter? Are you okay?”

“I...I’m fi…” I started...but then I felt something crack. “I have to go.”

“What?” Jessica said, genuinely confused.

“I-I’m sorry, ma’am, but I just have to go.” I said quickly, wiping my hands free of the oil on a spare towel and practically running out of the room.

“W-What about the table?” Jessica shouted to me as I exited.

“I’ll send someone over to get it.” I called back. No I won’t. “I’m sorry, I-I just have to...to…”

I felt a familiar coldness in my heart when I saw what was standing in front of me.

A girl, around the age of ten, with blonde hair and blue eyes. The girl cocked her head to the side, confused.

“Who are you?” She asked in a sweet as honey voice.

“I-I...I…” I stuttered. Shaking my head, I ran into the foyer, swung the door open, ran out, and slammed it shut. I quickly got into my car and drove away, not really thinking of a destination.

Hunty, I’m so cold…

I tried to focus on the road, and block out the familiar voice in my head.

Where are you, Hunty?

I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand and sped up, my reckless driving causing several drivers to honk their horns at me.

Why didn’t you save me?

“Stop it!” I yelled, flooring it and swerving.

WHY DID YOU LET ME DIE?!?!?!?!?

I abruptly ran off the road into the field it bordered and slammed the breaks. I was pushed forwards harshly, and was pulled back my my seat belt with just as much force. I just sat there for a moment, my hands on the wheel, my body shuddering. After a minute, I couldn’t take it anymore. I slammed my head into the steering wheel, causing a long drawn out honk. That way I couldn’t hear myself sob my heart out.

*Six Months Later*

I let the cold water run down my body, trying to wake myself up. The nightmares don’t let me sleep, but I have to at least look rested for this interview.

Oh, Brenda fired me. My boss. From the massage parlor. Said something about how I’m not ‘emotionally stable’. Which...I guess, objectively, I’m not, but...but I’m making progress. For example:

I don’t blame myself anymore.

Well...that's not completely true. I still know that if I had acted differently, then Jenny might still be...um, right, the point is that I did what I felt was right, and had the scar on my arm to show for it. What happened, happened. I have to stop living in the past.

I hopped out of the shower and quickly dried off, then took a glance at myself in the mirror. My face was more pale than it’s ever been, I have bags under my eyes, I’m underweight, and I’m rocking some unkempt scruff. All in all, I look like shit.

Great.

What was I thinking about...oh, right, Jenny. God, it’s only been a year, and it feels like ten. But a year’s a year, and I need to at least try to move on. I’ll never fill the gaping hole in my soul, I know that...but I have to start to get my life together. For her. For Jenny. She wouldn’t want to see me like this, feeling sorry for myself and worrying our family.

I might not be happy. I might not ever be happy again. But for her sake, and for the sake of my family, I have to at least try.

I threw on a dress shirt, slacks, black socks, my only pair of loafers, and my black tie. Gotta look sharp.

I dragged my hand down my face, nervous about the coming inter-wait a minute. I forgot to shave.

I ran back into the bathroom, turned on the tap and grabbed the shaving cream. I was about to put some in my hand when I saw it.

In the center of the mirror was a very small speck of white. How did that get there? I rubbed the mirror with my finger, but the spot remained. I tried again with the hand towel, but to no avail. Giving up, I reverted my attention down, but...the dot moved. It...it wasn’t in the mirror, it was dead center in my vision. And it was getting bigger. And bigger.

Alright Hunter, don’t panic. I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for thi-

The white light took up two thirds of my vision now, practically blinding me. Okay, I think panicking is warranted at this point!

I shut my eyes, but instead of black, all I saw was white. Upon opening them, nothing changed.

Just then, a black dot appeared in the center of my vision and grew outwards until it was all I saw. And then it repeated with a purple dot. And then a orange dot...and a pink dot, and cyan, and yellow, and another white dot, and a...and a...I’m...I’m getting awfully dizzy...I think I’m just gonna take a nap...

That’s the last thought that ran through my mind before I blacked out and fell to the ground.

I quickly sat up as I regained consciousness, causing me to get a head rush. I clasped a hand to my head, groaning in pain. Right in front of me, I heard a quick intake of breathe, and I looked up to see the culprit.

Ugh...my vision’s all fuzzy...is that...is that a horse?

I reached up and scratched the outside of the horses ear, trying to set the beast at ease. Maybe this isn’t the best way to go about avoiding getting bucked by a horse, but it’s not like I know more about-

“Ohhhh man…” I heard a feminine voice moan.

...What?

I furiously rubbed my eyes and blinked rapidly, clearing my vision and revealing...um...a purple...unicorn…

What.

“Uh…” I ‘said’ with my jaw hanging down.

The weird horse...thing, backed up and looked down at me.

What?!

“Er...hello.” It said slowly with an awkward wave. In the same voice as the moan. Which...which means…

I looked down at my hand, then back up at the horse.

“WHAT?!”

Home Life Part 1: Playtime and Promises

Home Life: Part 1

“Hunty!”

“AGH!”

Every…friggin’…morning…

I groaned and rubbed my head. I need to put a carpet next to my bed or something, because hitting my head on hardwood isn’t pleasant. I opened one eye to see two iridescent blue ones staring back at me.

“Jenny…?” I mumbled quietly, removing my hand from my head and reaching up. But instead of smooth skin, my hand met soft fur. Wait a minute…

Both of my eyes flew open, and I was met with the sight of a quizzical pink face. Oh…

“Pinks…” I began slowly. “Why’d you make a habit of doing that?”

“Doing what, Hunty?” Pinkie’s cheerful voice inquired. She leaned in, her muzzle a hairs breadth away from my nose.

“This,” I said, mimicking her tone. And then I yelled her name at the top of my lungs.

“PINKIE!”

“WAH!”

Pinkie fell over onto her side next to me, startled. I looked over to her with a wide smirk on my face. Pinkie giggled for a moment before realization set in, and looked back at me.

“Oh....sorry,” she squeaked out, a sheepish smile on her face. I ruffled her mane and sat up.

“Eh, don’t worry about it,” I shrugged off. “Just be a bit more gentle about it next time.” I crossed to the window and flicked open a blind.

“Uh, Pinks?” I asked slowly while looking around. “What time is it?”

“Eleven forty-two and thirty eight seconds.” Pinkie answered happily.

“What?!” I exclaimed, twisting around and looking at the mare. She lying upside down on my bed, her forelegs curled in front of her.

“I said it’s eleve-”

“I know what you said!” I snapped. “Gah, I’m gonna be late!” I ran to the dresser, not bothering with a shower, and started pulling out clothes.

“Late for what?” Pinkie asked.

“For my job?” I asked sarcastically while throwing on a button down shirt. “You know, the one you got me? The one with the workplace one floor below us?”

Pinkie laughed and poked my leg with a hoof.

“Silly Hunty!” Pinkie exclaimed, still laughing. “It’s your day off today!”

I paused, balancing on one leg with the pants I had been pulling on.

“...My day off?” I repeated. Pinkie answered with a vigorous nod. I looked down at my half clothed lower half, then back up at Pinkie, then back down.

Eh, screw it.

“Well, as long as I’m up, I might as well hit the town,” I said with a sigh, putting on my pants and socks at a far slower pace.

“But what about the Crusaders?” Pinkie asked. I paused once again.

“What about them?” I responded as I slipped on my worn in sneakers, confused. I then started putting other clothes I’d thrown out of the dresser back in.

“Well, there’s Apple Bloom, who’s like a bite sized Applejack. Then there’s Sweetie Belle, she’s-

“Pinks, why did you bring them up?” I asked, cutting her off. I didn’t like interrupting her, but I knew that she would go on til’ the end of time if I didn’t. ‘Tis the way of the Pinkie.

“Um, Hunty?” Pinkie asked in a tone that suggested she thought I was being oblivious to something. “You’ve played with them every time you’ve had a-”

“Day off for the past month, crap!” I finished, the pieces clicking in my mind. How did I forget about this? “Pinks, I’ll talk to you later, I gotta go meet up with them.”

I rushed past my pink friend and began descending the stairs before a thought struck me.

“Hey, Pinks?” I called up.

“Yes?” Pinkie called back.

“Um...where are the Crusaders?”

“They should be right outside. I mean, they could have wandered off. They’ve been waiting out there for a few minutes now and...oh...I probably should have told you that, huh?”

I groaned and ran down the remainder of the stairs at full speed, fumbling with the buttons of my shirt as I did so. Agh, the damn thing is inside out! I unbuttoned the shirt and pulled it off just as I reached the bottom of the stairs, and oomf!

…collided with something solid, falling onto my back.

“Ow,” I heard a familiar deadpanned voice complain. Ah, shit, I ran into Maud. I should apologize...oh, but first things first.

“...Mrs. Cake?” I called out with my eyes closed.

“Er...yes Hunter?” I heard the mares voice call back from some distance away, presumably from the counter.

“Invest in a carpet,” I suggested. “Your floors are killing me.”

Not bothering to wait for a response...because how do you even respond to that, I looked up to see Maud standing over me, looking...um...well, I couldn’t tell you. My shirt was draping her face.

“Sorry for that, Maud,” I apologized. “Didn’t see where I was going.”

“I can’t see anything at all,” Maud retorted blankly, her voice muffled by my shirt. I snatched it off of her face and got to my feet, dusting off my pants as I straightened up.

“Either way, thanks for breaking my fall,” I joked lightly. Maud looked up at me, unamused, before her eyes grew a bit in size, and her gaze fell to the ground.

“Uh...Maud?” I asked, confused at her behavior. “What’s up?” I bet she just saw a rock on the ground or something.

“Your clothes are off,” Maud stated bluntly. I raised an eyebrow at her answer. Suddenly, I noticed the normally busy confectionary had grown awfully silent. I looked up from Maud to the customers spread across the room and...uh...they’re all staring at me.

I instinctively thought that the reaction from the room was to the fact that I was half dressed in an eatery, which is...kinda true. Sorta. I mean, had I been on Earth, that would have been completely true, but here I figure it’s because no one (sans Pinkie and Twilight) have ever seen me when I wasn’t fully clothed.

“Why don’t you guys take a picture?” I suggested, striking a pose. “It’ll last longer.” Everypony averted their eyes at that...well, all but two. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a mint colored mare pull a camera out from under the table. The cream colored earth pony sitting next to her pulled it away from her, saying something along the lines of ‘he was being sarcastic!’

“Seriously though,” I began, returning my gaze to Maud. “What’s the big deal? It’s just my shirt.” And with that, I pulled my arms through the sleeves of my shirt, making sure it was on the right way, and buttoned it up.

“You always wear clothes,” Maud said, the emotionless tone of her voice accentuated by her slow blinking.

“And you always wear that frock,” I pointed out.

“It’s different,” Maud replied. “Ponies don’t normally wear clothes. You’re the only human around here, so…oh…” She trailed off.

“What? What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Salt in the wound,” Maud replied cryptically.

“‘Scuse me?”

“I didn’t mean to pour salt in the wound,” Maud answered, looking up at me with her big blue eyes. “About you being the only human here. Sorry.”

I smiled wistfully at her and bent down, looking into her face at eye level.

“No harm done,” I assured quietly, despite the small twinge of pain I’d felt from her words. It was a bit lonely here all by myself...but hey, Twilight has some totally-not-creepy spell that can turn herself into a human, so...there’s that. I might want to ask her about that....then again, I haven’t spoken to her since the Christmas party, when she….um…

I shook my head and straightened up. That’s the last thing I want on my mind. Wait a minute...what’s the first thing on my mind? The hell was I doing?

“Hunty!”

“AGH!”

“PINKIE!”

“WAH!”

“Blah blah blah Crusaders!”

“Blah blah where?!”

“Blah outside!”

“Blah?!”

“Blah!”

…

Shit!

“Crap, I gotta go!” I pulled my arms through my shirt and buttoned it up, leaving the top one open. “See ya, Pebbles!”

“Pebbles?” I heard Maud’s voice call out as I ran towards the door.

“It’s a nickname!” I called back over my shoulder. I made it to the door and turned around. “Whatcha think?”

“It needs work.” Maud said with a small smile. I smiled back at her unexpected reply. I’d figured she’d just shoot the idea of a nickname down, but apparently not.

“Got it!” I exclaimed happily, turning around to exit...and promptly hitting my head on the wooden door frame. I flailed backwards for a moment, caught off guard, then fell onto the floor, hitting my head...again.

“Gah! Why is it always the head?!”

“Thanks, Mrs. Cake!” I shouted as I exited the confectionery.

I really didn’t think I needed the bandage, but Mrs. Cake insisted. Great. Now I gotta walk around with this friggin’ thing wrapped around my head…

...Wait, what was I doing?

Ah, shit.

I looked around, trying to find three specific little balls of chaos, but couldn’t seem to find them anywh-

“Hey, Hunter! Neat head-scarf!”

The familiar high pitched squeal had come from behind me...and above me.

“...I swear to God,” I began loudly, “if I turn around, and you three are on the roof, about to do something dangerous, I am going to have to do something drastic.”

There was a long silence.

“...Who’s God?”

I whipped around, and was privy to a sight that...uh...truthfully, I didn’t even know what the hell I was looking at.

Scooter was on her trademark scooter, and Belle and Apple Bud were duct-taped to the handles. The scooter was balanced on the very tip of the gingerbread roof on the left side of the building. A small wooden ramp was built on the edge of the roof; a rickety one that would probably fall apart if I blew on it.

I can’t even fathom what cutie mark this is supposed to earn them. Is there an early grave cutie mark? Although I suppose one can’t appear post mortem...but then again, what if-

Forget it. I’ll give myself a headache over it later.

“Alright, you got me.” I called up to them. “I seriously have no idea what you’re trying to accomplish.” I saw Apple Bud’s mouth open to answer, but I held a hand up.

“And I don’t want to hear it. My head hurts enough as it is. Now climb down from there, and we’ll do something fun, alright?”

“Okay!” Apple Bud called out. “But, uh, we got a lil’ problem.”

“Kind of a big problem,” Scooter chimed in.

“What?” I asked with exasperation.

“...How’re we supposed to get down?”

I dragged my hand down my face.

“This is going to be a long day, isn’t it?”

As I walked through Ponyville with three fillies in tow, covered in splinters and bruises, I confirmed to myself that yes, this was most likely going to be a very, very long day.

“How were we supposed to know not to build the ramp out of balsa wood?” Belle complained from on my right shoulder.

“I don’t suppose it would have been too much trouble to just ask the stallion at the arts and crafts store?” I deadpanned back. “I could have lived my whole life without a stunt ramp collapsing onto me, you know.”

“Ya didn’t have to stand under it,” Apple Bud mumbled from my left shoulder.

“And you didn’t have to build it with rusty nails,” I retorted, rubbing the section of bandage I’d removed from my head and placed on the one of the many scratches I’d incurred from today’s incidents. “Now I have to worry about getting tetanus.”

“What’s a tetanus?” Scooter said from the ground. I looked down at her, mildly surprised that she’d spoken to me. Ever since I was decked in the face with a snowball and she ran off, she hadn’t really been keen on conversing.

“Horrible,” I answered with a chuckle. “Don’t worry about it.”

Scooter shrugged and kept walking along. She’d opted to walk alongside us instead of hopping on my head. Probably because the bandage around it may have discouraged her from putting any unnecessary pressure on it. At least she’s considerate.

“So...what do you girls wanna do?” I looked back and forth between Apple Bud and Belle, then down to Scooter.

“Ah kinda thought you had somethin’ in mind,” Apple Bud said. Belle and Scooter nodded their heads in assent.

“Well, what did you guys want to try to get your cutie marks in today?” I asked. Belle pulled a small notepad out of...uh...hammerspace...flipped it open, and began to read off the list.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Acrobats?”

“Not happening.”

“Cutie Mark Crusader Deep Sea Divers?”

“No to that.”

“Cutie Mark Crusader Skydivers?

“Nope.”

“Cutie Mark Crusader Forensic Scientists?”

“Uh...I’m not sure what that is, but it doesn’t sound pleasant. You know what, forget the list. I’ll just think of something.”

Belle shrugged and put the notepad back into what I assumed was an infinite realm of everything and nothing, only accessible to those without opposable thumbs.

Okay, so, a game to play with the Crusaders...hm…what can we do that would be completely risk free...

I snapped my fingers, eliciting an odd look from the Crusaders. Guess it’s not a common thing to do around these parts.

“What about Cutie Mark Crusader Wrestlers?” I suggested.

“Wrestlers?” Scooter repeated.

“Yeah. If you girls wrestle against me, none of you would be in danger,” I said confidently. The girls glanced at each other.

“Why do you say that?” Belle asked.

I resisted the urge to say, ‘Because I’ll take it easy on you’ because I felt that would turn them off to the idea.

“I’m a terrible wrestler!” I declared. That got a quick giggle out of them all. We walked off the main road and into an empty lot, where we couldn’t disturb anypony just going about their day. I crouched down, letting Apple Bud and Belle off of my shoulders, and stepped back a bit.

“Alright.” I stretched my arms and swiveled my neck, granting a few satisfying pops. “So the goal of wrestling is to knock the other person down, and keep them down for ten seconds…” I paused. “Or maybe that’s not it at all, I’m not that familiar with the rules, but the point is that I want you girls to try to pin me down. Oh, and no hitting, just pushing.” I wasn’t particularly afraid of them, but I also wasn’t keen on being bucked in the shin. Hooves hurt, man. “Who’s up first?”

“Oh, me, mememe!” Apple Bud belted out, zipping up and giving me a confident smile. Slightly less confidently when she noticed just how dwarfed she was by me. Gulping nervously, she rushed up to me, put her forelegs against my legs, and pushed with all of her might.

It was both sad and adorable. This went on for a couple minutes, her pushing against my leg in a futile attempt to knock me over, before I decided to cut her efforts short.

“Apple Bud…”

“Gimme a minute, Ah got this!”

“This is embarrassing. For both of us.”

“Ah think it budged!”

I lifted my leg into the air, taking Apple Bud with it. I hopped over to the rest of the Crusaders, tilted my leg, and dropped her gently onto the ground. She looked excitedly at her flank, and to her severe disappointment, saw no butt tattoo.

“Aww….” she grumbled, kicking her hoof against the ground. I had to bite back a chuckle.

“Good effort,” I said, ruffling her mane. I stepped back and put my hands on my hips. “Who’s up next?”

Belle stepped up, looking a bit daunted but still putting on a brave face.

“You’re going down, Hunter...uh…”

“What?”

“I can’t think of a clever rhyme.”

“...Just try to knock me over.”

The very tip of her horn began to glow light green, and the same magical field surrounded my left leg, giving me a slight tickling sensation. I frowned; I hadn’t thought about the possibility of them trying to do magic.

Turns out it didn’t matter, because she could barely press my pants against my legs, despite how obvious it was that she was putting her all into this spell.

I didn’t feel like having the old back and forth with her like I had with Apple Bud, so I just looked to Scooter.

“What about you Scooter?” I asked. She appeared to be in deep thought for a moment before turning to Belle.

“Sweetie Belle!”

“Urg...w-what!”

“Quit it with the magic! I got an idea!”

Sweetie Belle’s magic dissipated, and she begrudgingly walked over to her friends. I turned around, looking at my surroundings.

You know, it’s pretty crazy to think that I’m actually in a place like this. I mean, of course it is, but sometimes you just have to stop and think about it. I-

“Now!”

I was suddenly broke out of my existential contemplations when three balls of concentrated adorableness and uncontrollable energy tackled the back of my leg, catching me off guard and causing me to fall on my ass.

I didn’t have long to recover. Belle jumped on my left arm, Apple Bud jumped on my left, and Scooter crawled onto my chest.

And then they started to count down from ten.

“No!” I yelled with feigned agony, pretending to try to struggle. “I will never be defeated! Your conniving and planning is no use for my brute strength! I shall bring down the Earth's crust on your home world, and feast on your-”

“One.”

“Ah, crap.”

The girls were disappointed to not get their cutie marks in wrestling, but I got them ice cream from a vendor in the marketplace, and that brightened them up. After that, it was time to take them home. You’d be surprised how long it takes to clean up about two hundred pounds of balsa wood. Or maybe you wouldn’t be.

It went pretty much as usual. We dropped off Apple Bud at the farm first, walked back to Ponyville, dropped of Belle at her house…

...and then it was just me and Scooter.

“Um...hey, Scooter, I-”

“I’ll see you next week,” Scooter said briefly. “Thanks for today.”

And with that, she walked off. Just like that.

“Yeah, you...too…” I trailed off as she got farther and farther away.  I shook my head and crossed the road to Sugarcube Corner, disappointed.

No one was in the dining area. No one at the counter, no nothing. Figures. It was pretty late. The Cakes and Pies are probably all asleep…but I’m not sure I can sleep with Scooter on my mind.

I sighed and scratched the back of my head. I honestly don’t understand Scooter’s deal. That is, her never letting me walk her home...and after last time, I’ve learned not to bring it up, but that just makes it harder to figure out what her problem is.

Not that I have to. It’s none of my business, and I don’t want to intrude on her life, but...I just want her to know that she can tell me anything. I would never judge her for whatever it was. I-

“Hunter!”

I froze. When I heard the door open, I figured it was Derpy on a last minute muffin run. Wouldn’t be the first time. But instead…

I turned around and faced somepony I’d been avoiding for over a week:

Sparklez. She looked a bit nervous, her wings fluttering at her sides, but smiled at me none the less. I gave a hesitant smile back. After all, she is my friend.

“Hey, Sparklez.” Please don’t bring it up please don’t bring it up please don’t-

“So…” Twilight idly kicked her hoof at the floor, her eyes wandering a bit. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“L-Lay it on me.” I was trying to sound casual, but if she was about to say what I think she’s about to say, I really just don’t want to hear it. Especially not with all this Scootaloo stuff weighing down on my mind.

...Wait a minute.

“About the Christmas par-”

“Sparklez?”

Twilight looked a bit miffed that I’d interrupted her, but gestured for me to continue, letting out a small sigh as she did so.

“You’re a princess, right?” I asked. I then realized how stupid of a question that was when Twilight glanced at her wings and horn, and then gave me a look.

“Um, right, sorry, of course you are,” I babbled. “So, you’d know if there was some kind of...I dunno, archive of information around here?”

Twilight looked slightly taken aback by the change in subject.

“Well...the library is under reconstruction…” she began slowly. “But there is an archive in Town Hall. It’s not open to the public, though. It’s just information on mortgage payments, addresses, bills of sale-”

“Did you say addresses?”

Twilight glared at me, and I realized that I’d interrupted her once again. I smiled sheepishly.

“Sorry. So...what you’re saying is that there’s files in town hall with information on where people in town are staying?”

“...Yes. Why are you asking all of this?”

I sighed, sat down at one of the tables, and wrung my hands.

“I’m worried about Scootaloo.”

Twilight seemed to forget all about what she had come to Sugarcube Corner to talk to me about, and gave me a concerned frown. She trotted up and sat across from me.

“Why?”

“She...she’s been acting really defensive about her home life. Every time I’ve played with the Crusaders, I offer to walk them all home, but Scootaloo always refuses. I tried to confront her about it, but she was acting really suspicious, like she had something to hide. I pushed her too hard, and she threw a snowball at me and ran off...I need closure on this. I have to find out where she lives.”

I turned to Twilight, giving her an exasperated look.

“Am I wrong?” I asked. “I-I keep feeling like I shouldn’t be getting involved in whatever it is Scootaloo’s hiding, and maybe it’s not my place, but...I don’t know.”

Twilight gave me a hard look, thinking. Her eyes eventually softened and she put a hoof on my hand.

”It’s not wrong to be concerned about a friend,” she said softly. “Not in the least. But to act on that concern is something completely different. Do you really think it’s necessary to do this?”

“Yes,” I said without a moment’s hesitation. “I don’t know if it’s right, but I know that it has to be done. I mean...she could be being abused, or worse, and I wouldn’t know…”

I looked over at Twilight, who was giving me a shocked look.

“A-Abused?” she repeated. “W-What makes you say something like that? That’s horrible!”

“I can’t see it being much else,” I rushed out. “I’m drawing a blank as to what she could be so defensive about. It doesn’t have to be abuse, but the point is that I want to help her no matter what it is.”

“But...Hunter, this seems a bit too much. If it was that big of an issue, don’t you think Scootaloo would have told somepony by now?”

“No.” I shook my head, refusing to believe that. “No, I don’t think so. Sparklez, have you ever been to Scooter’s home?”

“Well...no.”

“And don’t you think it’s a bit odd that the Crusaders hang out at the farm and the boutique sometimes, but never at Scooter’s place?”

Twilight looked down, not meeting my eyes.

“...Yes,” she finally said. “Yes, I find that weird, but that could mean nothing.”

“It could mean some of the worst things imaginable.”

“Could.”

“I would never drop something like this just because guesswork is involved, Sparklez,” I said quietly.” Not when there's a little girl that could be better off if I acted.”

Twilight’s fetlock wrapped around my hand, squeezing it lightly.

“...Okay.”

I looked up at her, confused.

“Okay?”

“I’ll go to city hall and get Scootaloo’s address,” Twilight practically whispered. “I’ll show you it, and we’ll go there to investigate, under three conditions.”

“Fine. What are they?”

“We’re going together,” Twilight said with finality. “If a pony sees a human they’ve never seen before knocking on their front door, they might panic. You know how some ponies act around you.”

I bitterly thought of the more skittish ponies in town. I wasn’t bitter about them. I was bitter at the thought that I could instill fear in creatures...no, people, like them.

“...Alright,” I resigned.

“Also, we’re doing this tomorrow morning.” I began to object, but Twilight looked at me in the eyes, silencing me. “I want you to have a night to think about what you’re doing. You could very well be betraying a filly’s trust. I want to make sure you’re certain that you’re willing to take that risk.”

“I...okay. I see your point. What’s the last condition?”

“Once this is all over…” Twilight’s eyes went to the table. “I want to have a talk with you.”

“What?”

Twilight looked back up, looking a bit angry.

“Every time we talk, there’s always something getting in the way. I want you to promise me that we can have a talk where I control the topic. You can’t change it, and you have to be completely honest with me, and the conversation doesn’t end until I say it ends. Okay?”

I thought back to all the times I’d avoided her, the lengths I’d taken to make sure I never ran into her, all the times I’d run away from talking to her. I could see how she could be a bit hurt by that. She’s my friend. One honest conversation can’t hurt.

“...Okay,” I accepted quietly. Twilight squeezed my hand, rose from her seat, then trotted towards the door. She turned around and opened her mouth as if to say something, but seemed to think better of it, and exited the building.

I spent the rest of that night at that table, thinking about my decision to intrude on Scooter’s life. I could help her…

...or I could lose her.

And I don’t think I can stand to lose another little sister.

Home Life Part 2: Dreams and Decisions

Where…where am I?

I’m lying down, on my back. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t know why, but I get the gnawing suspicion that if I open my eyes, I’m not going to like what I see. It’s just a feeling I have.

But hey, when am I ever right?

There. Eyes open. And…that’s not the roof of Sugarcube Corner.  That’s the sky. A starry night sky, to be specific. Why am I outside? I sit up and hold a hand to my head, rubbing my temple. My other hand feels the ground below me, and runs through the long grass. Before my eyes lies a long, seemingly endless field. The hell…

I stand and turn around, but take a panicked step back. Directly in front of me is a sheer cliff face, the ocean below beating hard upon the rocky shore. It must be a fifty foot drop, at least. The salty ocean breeze runs through my hair and over my face. Where the fuck am I? Why am I here? What the hell is going on?

I don’t do heights, and this cliff is freaking me out. I-I have to get back to Ponyville, I have to get back to Sugarcube Corner. Back to Pinkie, back to the Crusaders, to Twilight, to Maud, to the Cakes, to-

“Hunty!”

“GAH!” I scream in surprise and turn around, and in front of me is…what…no, no no no, this can’t be right, this can’t-

“Hunty?” Jenny repeats, waving her hand in my face. “Are you okay? You’re looking at me weird.” She giggles and jumps up to bop me on the nose. “You’re silly.”

“Y-You’re not real,” I stammer, an outstretched finger shakily pointed at my sister. “You’re de…you're d-dead, I s-saw you d-die!”

Jenny tilts her head, her big blue eyes wide and her lips in a pout.

“That’s stupid,” she says bluntly, smiling. “You’re being silly, Hunty.” She reaches out and grabs my outstretched hand in her own. “C’mon, let’s play!”

I…I know this isn’t real. I know she isn’t here, I know she’s dead, I know I was there when she died, that I held her in my arms and sobbed onto her corpse, and…oh God…

She started pulling me towards the cliff.

“Jenny?” I asked quietly, trying to pull my hand back. Her grip was like iron. My legs wouldn’t move. “Jenny?!”

“We’re just going swimming, Hunty,” Jenny said, not slowing her pace as she rolled her eyes. “Jeez, we go swimming all the time. Remember the beach? Remember when we used to make those sand castles, and find those cute little hermit crabs, and-“

“Jenny, I’m serious, stop!” I yelled, using both hands to pull hers. It did nothing. She kept walking, and I was still being pulled along.

“Hunty, I just want to-“

“Jenny, let go of my hand right now! Stop walking! Jenny, please!” I screamed, pulling with all of my might, but to no avail. We were upon the cliff face. Jenny hovered one foot over the edge while the other remained planted firmly on the ground.

“Don’t worry, Hunty. I’m with you! And I never get hurt when I’m with my big brother! You would never let me get hurt…right?”

“J-Jenny-“

“You wouldn’t just let me get hurt, right?!”

“Jenny, sto-!”

Jenny’s suddenly pulled backwards, flinging me over the side of the cliff. My body hit the face of the cliff, the pain unbearable. Jenny still stood on the edge, holding onto my hand.

“JENNY, STOP! PLEASE, I’M SORRY!”

Jenny paused, and leaned down.

“Why would you be sorry?” she whispered happily. “I know you’d never hurt me.” She let herself fall forwards, pulling me down from the cliff and sending us both tumbling towards the rocks. I screamed louder than I ever had in my life, but still pulled my arm up and held Jenny to my chest. I turned my back to the rocks, hoping that at least she would survive.

“You never change, do you Hunty?” was the last thing I heard before a rock crushed the back of my head.

“Hunter?”

“WHAT?!” I screamed, lifting my head up from the table and looking directly at the source of the noise.

Mrs. Cake. A truly frightened and shocked Mrs. Cake.

Shit.

“M-Mrs. Cake, I’m so sorry I snapped at you,” I babbled quickly, “I-I just had a rough night, and I didn’t see who it was, and-“

“Hunter, it’s quite alright,” Mrs. Cake said in a placid tone, though I could tell she was still pretty miffed about being yelled at. “But…maybe I’ll take your shift today. Just so you can collect yourself.”

Ouch. Was I really that much of a wreck that my boss had to give me time off? I don’t think so.

“Mrs. Cake, I’m…” I began, but paused after a thought wormed its way through my thick skull and into my tiny brain: Scootaloo. I completely forgot. Am I going to go with Twilight? Or should I just let Scootaloo sort it out?

…No. I’m Scootaloo’s friend, and if me stepping in helps her, then I’ll do it. No matter what the cost. I refuse to let any of my friends get hurt, even if it is none of my business. You know what, no. It is my business.

“Actually…thanks, Mrs. Cake,” I said after a pause. “I could actually really use the day off today. Make sure to take it out of my paycheck, alright?”

Mrs. Cake smiled at me. “I wouldn’t dream of doing that, Hunter. Just take some time to relax, okay?”

Game plan for today: Confront Scootaloo on her home life. I wouldn’t really call that ‘relaxing’. But I suppose what Mrs. Cake doesn’t know can’t hurt her. I gave her a smile and a quick salute.

“You’re the best, Mrs. Cake.” I said gratefully. She just smiled and made her way to the counter. I took some time to look out the window, and noticed how early it was. Crap, Twilight should be here any second. I ran upstairs and quickly took a shower, brushed my teeth, and washed my face. I ran back down the stairs with a new outfit on, thankful that I didn’t rouse Pinkie nor Maud. The two slept like boulders.

…Heh. Rocks.

I bolted out the door with a quick ‘thanks again’ to Mrs. Cake, and almost ran right into Twilight.

“Hunter!” she exclaimed, surprised. I steadied myself and stood up straight, a bit embarrassed about almost barreling into her. I looked her up and down, taking in her appearance. She looked pretty normal, except she had a saddlebag slung over her back.

“Morning Sparklez,” I say breathlessly, trying to get air back into my lungs after all that running. “You, ah…whew…you ready?”

Twilight eyed me curiously for a moment before levitating both a map and a sheet of paper out of her saddlebag. The map displayed all of Ponyville, with many numbers written over each property and landmark. The sheet of paper only had one thing written on it: '1405'.

My heart fell a bit as I realized the significance of the number. I wearily pointed at it, and raised an eyebrow at Twilight.

“Is that...”

“I went over to Town Hall early this morning,” Twilight said quietly, her wings ruffling idly at her sides. “I figured you were pretty set in your decision, and didn’t want to waste any time.” She looked up at me questioningly. “You didn’t change your mind, by any chance, did you?”

I didn’t say anything. I just shook my head. Twilight sighed deeply, gazing off to the side.

“Well,” she began somewhat somberly, “are you all ready to go?”

“…Yeah.”

Twilight looked down for a moment before turning around. Looking over her shoulder, she gave me a weak smile.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

I looked down at Twilight, slightly uncomfortable. We’d been walking for about ten minutes, and she hadn’t said a single word to me. Is she mad at me about something? I mean, all I did was actively avoid her for two months and...

…Oh. Right.

“Sparklez?” I ask hesitantly. She doesn’t respond. Now that I look at her, she looks bothered. Well, duh Hunter, of course she’s bothered. Not twelve hours ago did you mention to her that you had suspicions that one of her friends was getting abused at home.

“You alright?” I asked, a little louder this time. Twilight blinked and glanced up at me, looking a bit out of it.

“Sorry, what was that?” she asked groggily.

“I asked you if you were alright,” I repeated. Twilight looked back down at the road.

“I’m fine,” she finally said. “Thanks,” she added after a moment.

I frowned. I’ve heard the ‘I’m fine’ she just said a thousand times by a thousand people, and it’s never genuine. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me to know whatever’s bothering her. It’s not as if…

Right, already covered that, yeah. God, I’ve been a dick.

I mean…okay. She kissed me. I can’t deny that. It happened. And it could have just been because of the mistletoe, I know, but if it was something else, then…well…fuck. I don’t know where it would be coming from. Yes, I’d say we’re friends, and yes, in the first month I spent in Equestria, we spent quite a bit of time together, but we just sort of drifted. I still saw her, still came by the castle, but not nearly as often. So I have no idea what would have spurned these kinds of feelings. Christ, I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t want to have to shoot down someone so innocent, but I can’t avoid it either.

Jeez, I almost forgot about Twilight’s talk. An off limits conversation with Twilight. I’m so boned. Just off the top of my head, she could ask why I’m so adamant about exempting her from the magic that is my massages, any number of things about her kiss, anything about humans (God forbid if it’s about our anatomy), just…anything.

Annnnnd five minutes of silence has passed. I open my mouth to say something else to Twilight, but I hesitate.

The last time I tried to help somebody that seemed troubled, I ended up being screamed at and snowballed. Scootaloo. Maybe…maybe people don’t always need me to help them. Maybe all I’m doing is pushing them further away. I mean, yes, they’re my friends, and I should be worried about them, but…maybe I shouldn’t act on that worry. Maybe I shouldn’t try to help, because all it ends up doing is wrecking our friendship. I was lucky that Scootaloo got over what had happened last winter as soon as she did, and that’s probably just because she’s a kid. Maybe…

You know what, no. They’re my friends, and I will do everything in my power to help them. Even if it ruins our friendship, if I managed to help them in the process, than it’s worth it. If Scootaloo is getting abused, and she never forgives me for coming to her house unannounced and…

Fuck. Wait, no. I didn’t think this through at all. Shit!

Okay, okay, calm down. Worst case scenario, she hates you forever and never wants to speak to you again, but hey, at least you’ve helped her out in some small way concerning her home life. Somehow, that didn’t calm me down. Shit, okay, um…it’s fine. I’ve made this decision, I had a lot of time to think about it, and now I’m going through with it. I can’t just turn back now.

And if I do, Twilight might gore me with her horn for worrying her, wasting her time, then pussing out. If that’s not incentive, I don’t know what is.

“…I got furniture for the castle.”

I looked down at Twilight, surprised to hear her finally speak up; without any prompting, no less.

“Excuse me?” I asked, not sure of what she said. Twilight looked up and braved a smile, making me do the same in turn.

“You mentioned how my castle was looking empty last time you were there,” she said. “It sort of opened my eyes. I-It didn’t really feel like a home, so the girls and I made it more…homey.” She pondered for a moment before chuckling nervously. “That sounded much more eloquent in my head.”

I couldn’t help laughing. I was glad that someone was finally bringing some levity to the task at hand.

“Tell you what,” I said, hunching over a bit as I walked in an attempt to get down to her level. “After this business is over, we go over to the castle, I’ll make some grub, and we can talk over dinner. Sound good?”

She looked back up at me, her expression much less troubled than it had been a moment ago. “Yes…yes, I think I’d like that.”

Alright, good. Made her feel a bit more at ease, and I didn’t even have to press her about it. And hey, now we’ve got plans for dinner for our talk. That might…wait…

Does she think I’m talking about a date? Based on her reaction, probably not, but when you tell a girl you’re going to cook dinner for her, it kind of implies-you know what, fuck it. I’m not going to over-think this. I can over-think it when it’s an immediate problem. As for right now…

Twilight stopped in her tracks, and I halted as well.

“Here we are,” Twilight said, sounding unintentionally foreboding. Looking up, I took in the home before me.

It was…average. Like, painfully average. Hay roofed, three floors, pink tinted windows, some moss growing up the side, simple oak finishing, and light tan walls. It was like any house you’d see in Ponyville proper. But here we are, on the very outskirts of this town, and here’s this perfectly normal house, just sitting here. I both feel more and less at ease at this.

Twilight and I didn't exchange any words. We just both looked at the house for a moment, thinking. Eventually, she nudged me, and pointed at the door. With a nervous gulp, I walked up to the small (for me) magenta door and knocked three times.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited...

...until finally, I heard the door being unlocked. Shit! Bail! I can't do this! I...

Turning around briefly, I met Twilight's eye. In her deep purple eyes, I saw something that gave me the strength to stay; trust. Complete and utter trust that I would do the right thing. Trust that I could help a little girl in need. Trust that I wouldn't puss out like a bitch. Steeling myself, I turned back around, and looked to the pony that had opened the door.

"...Can I help you?"

Home Life Part 3: Questions and Answers

Before I go into the shit storm that went down that night, before I go any further with this, I think I should mention that I have a pretty wild imagination. And by wild I mean that sometimes my speculations can get…well…ahead of my rationality. I can list off at least five descriptions of hypothetical parents of Scootaloo that I had conjured in my head. Heck, I even thought she might have been an orphan, and had all these thoughts about what her foster parents would be like.

I thought of burly drunk stallions blurting slurred words accented by vicious strikes. The thought of Scootaloo being physically abused made my blood boil. I thought of dull colored and spectacled mares with an iron hoof of tyranny and mental torment. The thought of that innocent little filly being oppressed and controlled made me seethe.

It just…I guess I just obsessed a bit more about the possibilities than I should have. Got myself worked up over nothing.

Well, it wasn’t nothing, but…you know what, I’ll just get right into it.

So there I was, standing in front of Scootaloo’s front door with Twilight standing right behind me, when the door creaked open. All the possibilities of who could come through that door ran through my head at once, and the mare that stood in the doorway met absolutely none of those images.

She looked somewhere between the ages of Mrs. Cake and Twilight. I had a hard time pinning her age exactly, but if I really had to guess…twenty, maybe. Maybe twenty one. I’ve never been much good at guessing. Either way, I did some quick math in my head, and came to the conclusion that the likelihood of this being the mother of an eight year old filly was pretty negligible. I doubted that teen pregnancy was even a thing in Equestria.

I just figured she was a babysitter, maybe a sister or cousin, and moved on.

Her coat was a light and dull shade of yellow, one with far less life than Flutters. Her feathers were the same color; she was a pegasus. Speaking of her wings, they looked a bit worse for wear. Not broken or anything, I just mean it looked like she hadn’t been preened in a while. They were closed at her sides, the excess feathers rustling together awkwardly.

Her mane was a dull shade of orange, and looked a bit unkempt; not dirty, just as if it hadn’t been cut in a while. The front hung down, framing the left side of her face while the right side was completely covered by long bangs. In the back, her mane had been hastily tied into a thick braid with several tufts of hair poking out. The braid ran down the left side of her neck and down to her…knee? Do ponies have knees? Whatever, I’m calling that middle joint on their legs knees.

All this time in Equestria and I still haven’t even looked into equine anatomy. Wonder why.

Her eyes were closed initially, her eyelids flinching at the sudden brightness of the outdoors. She reached a hoof up to rub her irritated eyes, allowing me to take notice that her fetlocks were unshorn. The tips of her dark yellow hooves showed through the thick fluff that bordered it.

“Can I help…” she trailed off as she found herself looking at my waist rather than the face of a pony. Her eyes moved up to my face, and I finally got a good look at her eyes. Or eye, rather. Like I said, her hair covered one of them.

Now, I don’t know a lot about horses, but given that I’ve been working with parents, I know that the color of a parent’s mane and coat has no bearing on those of their children. I don’t get it. Genetics isn’t exactly my cup of tea.

But the eyes on this mare were the exact color of Scootaloo’s. I had absolutely no proof that this was her mother, or sister, or was even related to Scootaloo in any way, but I knew those eyes. But there was something in those eyes that I didn’t recognize in Scootaloo.

Trepidation. I wouldn’t say fear, no really, just…inordinate caution. Scootaloo generally just threw herself into situations, but from the look this mare was giving me…no, she didn’t really give me that same vibe.  I didn’t think much of it at the time, but it was in the corner of my mind.

“…you?” she finally finished, her voice much more hushed than at the beginning of her sentence.

Because, you know. Human. I sorta figured everybody was over the novelty of having an alien around at this point, especially after Twilight held an official town meeting introducing me…which I thought was a bit much, but who was I to tell a princess not to do something? And yeah, it was a little weird for everybody for a couple weeks, but it passed. I’d been in Equestria for…shit, uh…six months? Seven?

The mare was just standing there, open mouthed and wide eyed, and it was making me a bit uncomfortable. Though I was probably making her a bit more uncomfortable than she was me. How long were we just looking at each other?

Twilight nudged me in the back of my leg with her head, pushing me forwards a step out of surprise. The mare in front of me took a step back in response, but I wasn’t looking at her. I had turned my head to the side to look at Twilight out of the corner of my eye.

Yeah, she was getting impatient with me.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to face the mare at the door. God, for fuck’s sake, how long was I just standing there!? Why am I so awkward in situations like these!?

“Er, hello,” I finally settled on, crouching down and putting my hands on my knees in some attempt to look smaller to the mare. She was looking sorta shaken.

The mare didn’t respond. Not with words, anyway. What she did do was continue to look at me with that flabbergasted expression on her face, walk backwards into her house, and slowly close the door.

I blinked at the display, bewildered. Was she really that wigged out? Twilight walked up to my side and tilted her head curiously, eyes on the door.

“That was…odd.”

“Yeaaah. Odd.” I sighed and idly placed a hand on the back of Twilight’s neck, using her as leverage as I stood. She looked at me, annoyed. I gave her a half hearted smirk and rustled her neck before pulling my hand away.

“So…what now?” Twilight asked. I shrugged.

“I guess we knock on the door again,” I mused. Twilight arched an eyebrow.

“We?”

“You came here because you were worried about Scootaloo, same as me,” I pointed out. She glared at me. I raised my hands up defensively. “Okay, yes, I know, I brought it up to you and I’m the one who wanted to come to her house uninvited. I get it. But if you haven’t noticed, I gave it a shot, and she just walked back in.”

“And you were really pushing the envelope with that introduction, weren’t you?” Twilight said.

On a day on which someone has to confront one of their best friends on the subject of their home life, one really, really does not need snark from a certain purple alicorn.

“Said the Princess of Friendship. If you know what you’re doing, don’t let me stop you.” I gestured to the door before crossing my arms, waiting. Twilight furrowed her eyebrows. I couldn’t quite tell if the look she was giving me was one of anger, hurt, or disappointment.

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you which one I would have preferred.

It was that look that got the little self-aware part of my brain to tell the rest of my brain that I was being a dick. That part of my brain should really voice his opinions more often. It would probably stop me from getting into situations like this in the first place.

I sighed, looked away, and scratched the back of my head nervously.

“Sorry. I’m just really on edge about all of thi-“

“No, Hunter, it’s fine, you’re right,” Twilight interrupted hurriedly. “I should…I should probably be participating a-“

“Sparklez, quit it,” I said, looking back to her sternly. “It’s…it’s not…look, I’m on edge, but that doesn’t mean I can just dump it on you, and I can’t pass off responsibility just because I tried once and it didn’t work out. I’ll give it another go, okay?”

Twilight smiled briefly and nodded her head. Good, unneeded apology averted. I swear, sometimes these ponies just don’t know when to set blame on someone other than themselves. I suppose it’s a cultural thing. Can’t tell if all the peace that kind of thing would bring to humankind would be worth how annoying it would be.

Eager to get this over with, and admittedly curious about the mare’s reaction me, I stepped forwards and rapped my knuckles on the door.

“Hello? Miss?” I said when the door wasn’t opened. No response. “Miss, please open the door.”

Nothing. I reached up and rubbed my temples, a bit frustrated with my complete lack of progress.

“I just want to talk!” I called, a bit of irritation leaking into my voice.

“Nopony’s home!”

I blinked and gave the door an unimpressed look. At that rate, I wasn’t going to be in the house anytime soon. So I tried something else.

“Ma’am, does a filly named Scootaloo live he-“

I didn’t even finish my sentence. The door opened violently, causing me to step back in surprise. It was the mare again, but she was giving me a completely different look. She was still a bit shaky, but her face…she had the most intense look of worry on her face, one I’ve never seen replicated before or since.

Those familiar eyes of hers were wide and unstable, her pupils large and shifting, her whole body was shivering, her wings were opening and closing frantically at her sides, and the most obvious indicator of her concern were the first words that came out of her mouth, and how they were said.

“What about Scootaloo?” she shot at me, her voice loud and her tone tormented. She rushed up to me, barely a foot away. I took another step back, suddenly wondering about what I had gotten myself into.

“Is she hurt? What happened? Is she okay?” she went on in a panic. She was like…like a piece of glass about to shatter, as if anything at this point could make her break.

“W-What?” I responded, holding up my hands in defense and backing away from the mare. “No, she’s fine.” As far as I knew.

The mare put a hoof to her chest and let out a ragged breath of relief. She seemed to suddenly notice how ill composed she was, and moreover how close she was to me, and backed off to a more comfortable distance.

“Oh, oh thank Celestia,” she let out, her breathing heavy and distraught. I tried to keep my mind open, but thus far, it seemed like Scootaloo was living with a crazy person. Pony. Whatever, look, I was just trying really hard to not write off Scootaloo’s situation, or construct something uninformed in my head, but it was a little difficult to avoid that when this is your first impression.

“Miss, are you okay?” I asked, crouching down once again. She closed her eyes and shook her head dismissively.

“I-I’m fine, you just…just startled me is all, that’s all, I’m fine,” she said, still breathing heavily. God, I must have taken ten years off of the mare. Speaking of years, her voice surprised me a bit. I thought that maybe she just looked young for her age, but her juvenile voice betrayed that idea.

She finally became aware that she was before two people she didn’t know. Well, one, anyway. Her eyes went to Twilight, and she started to get that panicked look again.

“P-Princess Twilight?” she shrilled, quickly bowing. “W-What are you d-doing here? Did I do something wrong? Did Scootaloo-“

“M-Ma’am, please calm down,” Twilight replied uncomfortably. I guess she still wasn’t accustomed to her position. Or that some crazed mare groveling at your hooves can be a bit disconcerting. Probably both. “Neither you or Scootaloo are in any sort of trouble or danger.”

Once again, as far as we knew, but whatever chilled her out would be worth saying.

The mare let out another shuddering breath, and got to her hooves. I can see where she was coming from. It’s not every day that an elected official comes to your door, less so with good news, and even less so with an alien. If Barack Obama came to my door with a Xenomorph, I’d probably shut the door on them too.

“S-so if nothing’s wrong, then what’s going on?” The mare asked. She was looking to Twilight, but every couple of seconds she would shift her unstable gaze to me, then immediately back to Twilight. I just thought she was uncomfortable about the whole ‘alien thing’. I was right, to a degree.

“We came here to talk to Scootaloo’s parents,” Twilight explained. Well, not explained. It was a pretty half assed explanation, and left a lot of holes, but I understood why she responded in that way. ‘We thought a young filly was being abused here, and just wanted to check things out’ isn’t exactly the go to thing to open up with. “Are either of them home?”

“B-But you said nothing was wrong!” The mare practically shouted. “If nothing’s w-wrong, then why would you need to talk to me?”

I, being slower than anybody would care to be, took a second to absorb the implications of what she had said. Once they finally sunk through my thick skull, I looked the mare up and down once more. She couldn’t have been older than twenty two.

“Nothing’s wrong miss, I swear,” I reassured. Her eyes lingered on me for once, but she looked pretty eager to shrink away into her house once more. “Let me just confirm here: are you Scootaloo’s mother?”

“Y-Yes,” the mare affirmed quickly, as if the information was far less important to her than what Twilight had said. She looked back to Twilight with pleading eyes.

Taking a quick glance at Twilight, she seemed as surprised by this development as I was. I could have written off her age as something culturally normal, but Twilight’s momentary look of shock put that thought to rest.

“Ma’am, please understand that nothing is wrong,” Twilight promised. “Hunter and I here just needed to talk to you.” The mare opened her mouth to respond, no doubt in the same manner as before, but Twilight continued. “May we talk inside?”

“I…um…”The mare looked to me, then behind her shoulder at the interior of her home. “…A-Alright, that’s…that’s fine, c-come on in.”

I grimaced at the look she’d given me. It was as if Twilight had asked her if she could bring a bag of spoiled meat into her home. Bag of spoiled meat? Whatever, I’m bad at analogies; the point is that I felt unwanted.

The mare walked into her home, casting several quick glances at Twilight and I. I felt a bit apprehensive about entering. Twilight looked to me meaningfully and nudged her head towards the door. In return, I nudged my head. She nudged hers harder. I returned in kind. Twilight smirked as her horn glowed, and I suddenly felt a familiar tingly feeling on my back. I was thrust forwards into the house, and I had to take a moment to balance myself.

“Friggin’ magic…” I muttered under my breath.

Looking over the foyer…well…it looked as if someone inordinately meticulous was living in this place. Which, given by the mare’s behavior, didn’t surprise me all that much. There were no stains on the floor, no smudges on the walls, no mess at all, and certainly not enough to imply that a kid was living here. I mean, it was preferable to seeing that Scootaloo was living in some horrible mess of a home, but it still worried me.

I also noticed some of the furniture had been worked on. More specifically, the tables, chairs, just everything that had once had an edge had been shaved down. Every edge was no longer an edge, but a curve. My mind didn’t linger too much on it. I could barely comprehend as to why anybody would do that to their furniture.

And as long as I’m talking about the interior of the house, every floor was carpeted. There was no doubt tile or hardwood was beneath it, but yeah, every floor. I had some questions for whoever decorated the place, but figured it wasn’t exactly a priority.

I followed the mare through the room, taking note of her behavior. She kept glancing back at me. I think she saw me catch her at some point, because she very suddenly turned her head away and didn’t look back again.

Twilight came up to my side as the mare walked into a room off to the side. Once again, this room was clean to a ridiculous degree. I doubt I could find any dust or dirt in the place if I tried. It looked like a living room to me. It looked not unlike the living room in the house I grew up in: A couple shuttered windows on one side of the room, a couch pushed against one of the walls, a smaller couch facing perpendicular to the first, a nice rug covering the majority of the hardwood floor, and a coffee table in the center of the room. Very homey. The only stark difference I could see from my own living room was instead of a television on one side of the room, there was a shelf with photos lined up on one of the walls, along with a painting placed above it.

The painting was dominated by many of the same colors that dominated the room: warm colors. The wallpaper was orange, the carpet was yellow, and the couches were red. For whatever reason, the colors made me feel more at ease.

The mare hopped up on the smaller couch and situated herself. It was my first opportunity to really look at her cutie mark.

It was a brushstroke, one that formed a nearly completed circle. It was comprised of, once again, warm colors. The bright red of the outside of the cutie mark set oddly against the dull yellow of the mare’s coat. The mare, color wise, was much duller than her home, or even her cutie mark.

I walked over to the larger couch, and began to sit at one end, the one that was right next to the couch that the mare had sat in. I stopped when I saw Twilight. She was looking between the mare and myself meaningfully, and cleared her throat obviously.

Right. The mare is uncomfortable around humans. I didn’t want to appease someone’s issues with me, but if it made her more calm, than I supposed it was worth it. I moved over to the center of the couch and sat down. Twilight sat next to me where I had intended to sit.

There was an awkward silence as no one stepped up to the plate on the whole ‘conversation about Scootaloo’ thing. The mare licked her dry lips before curling them back into her mouth, probably impatient and stressed about how no one had said anything yet.

Twilight’s tail brushed against my leg. She wanted me to be the one to instigate the conversation. I appreciate that she was there to push me to actually do this thing, and don’t really know what I would have done had she not come with me, but having to step up still sucked regardless.

“Miss, I…oh, I’m sorry, I never got your name,” I said, realizing it for the first time.

“…S-Summer Shade,” she responded shakily, not meeting my eyes. She didn’t ask for my name. Twilight had already said it, but I thought it would have been rude to not introduce myself in kind.

“I’m Hunter Alexios, but uh, just Hunter is fine, and this…” I paused as I gestured to Twilight before lowering my hand and chuckling awkwardly. “I don’t think she really needs an introd-“

“Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight interrupted, outstretching a hoof to Summer Shade. Summer gave the hoof a wary look before reaching hers forwards and bumping it against Twilight’s.

It didn’t escape me that she hadn’t said ‘Princess’. Guess she didn’t want to intimidate the poor mare. Despite the fact that we all knew she was a princess, which is kind of hard to hide if you’re an alicorn, it did seem like she was making an effort to put herself on an even playing field to the rest of us.

I tried to think of a way to ease into the conversation, and the painting on the wall seemed like a perfect opportunity.

“That’s a very beautiful painting,” I noted. Summer seemed to brighten up a bit at that. And by a bit I mean she just raised her head a little bit, making her look a bit less…depressing.

“Oh, that one?” Summer quavered, pointing a hoof up to the painting. She only looked at me as long as she had to to see me nod, and lowered her gaze to floor as soon as she did.

“I…t-that’s not really one of my better ones, I don’t even know why I bothered h-hanging it up there…” She trailed off towards the end of her self-deprecating comment.

“You painted that?” I asked, impressed. It really did blow me away a little, although I guess you could attribute that to my shitty art skills. I can’t paint to save my life, and this mare had made something stunning.

She only nodded in response this time, and more to herself than to me.

“You’d make a mint if you sold paintings like that,” I said, trying to keep her talking.

She remained silent for a moment before opening her mouth, as if to speak, and then thinking otherwise and shrinking back into the couch. It was another couple of seconds before she spoke up.

“I-I, um…I don’t really paint for that kind of thing. Uh, money, I-I mean. It just…it’s therapeutic, I guess.”

“How so?”

“Calms me down,” she explained quietly. She finally looked up, her eyes on Twilight.

“W-Why are you two here? D-Don’t just sit there like nothing is wrong, just…don’t.” She gulped nervously before continuing. “What’s happening? W-Why do you need to talk to me about my filly?”

“Well…” Twilight began cautiously, “I’m sure you’re aware that I’m friends with your daughter?”

“S-She talked to me about…h-how you were trying to help her get her cutie mark,” Summer said slowly, clearly not seeing where this was going.

“It’s just…oh gosh, there really is no easy way to put this. Please don’t feel offended by this, Miss Shade, but Hunter and I have been a bit worried about Scootaloo…particularly concerning her life at home.”

“W-What?” Summer straightened up in her seat, her panic steadily growing. “W-Why would you be worried? Did she do something? What happened?”

“Miss, nothing happened,” I assured once again. “I mean, well not nothing, but-“

“Hunter!” Twilight hissed. Summer’s face completely fell, and she looked an inch away from shattering.

I’m not very diplomatic, am I? I desperately tried to recover from that lapse in judgement, my voice becoming nearly as frantic as the mare’s had been.

“Nothing dangerous! Nothing bad! That’s not what I meant!” I promised as quickly as my mouth would allow. The mare sighed raggedly in relief again. I swear, I am taking so many years off of this poor mother.

“I’m so sorry for that. Just…nothing bad. Nothing to worry about. I was just referring to how Scootaloo’s been acting recently.”

“H-How she’s been…wait…wait a minute…” Summer adopted an intensely thoughtful look before giving me a somewhat accusing one. “What would you know about how she’s been acting?”

I recoiled a bit at the look, and the odd question as well, but answered it nonetheless.

“I’ve been chaperoning her and her friends for the past few months, and she’s-“

“What?!?”

To be frank, Summer’s shout scared the ever living shit out of me. I certainly wasn’t expecting anything that violent from such a shrinking violet. I was surprised she didn’t break any windows. She jumped out of the armchair, flying up to me until we were almost nose to nose. I shrunk back into the couch, but she flew further forwards.

“You?! You’ve been chaperoning MY daughter? MY daughter?!?” she yelled in my face.

“M-Miss Shade, c-compose yoursel-“Twilight began, shocked.

“No!” Summer shouted, cutting Twilight off. She turned back to me and stared right into my eyes, her violet iris’ suddenly looking far less comforting than before. “Answer the question!”

“Y-Yeah, I-“

That was all Summer needed. She pushed herself back a bit, and landed behind the coffee table. She pointed a hoof to where we had entered the room.

“G-Get out!” she barked shakily.

I stared back at the mare, frozen, uncomprehending of her sudden and violent outburst. As I stared, there was one very notable thing that didn’t escape my eyes, and those were her own.

They still held that trepidation, that worry. If anything, it was even further exaggerated now, despite her apparent fury. The stark contrast was startling, almost more than her outburst itself.

Twilight got off of the couch and stepped in front of where I sat defensively.

“Miss Shade, I don’t know wh-“

“Princess Twilight, I-I mean no disrespect, but if you don’t get it out of my house right now, I-I will,” Summer threatened. I couldn’t see Twilight’s face, but I imagined she was looking at Summer in some mix of shock and contempt.

“I just-“I tried to say, only to be shot down.

“You!” Summer screamed, pointing violently. “I f-forbid you from being near my daughter! Don’t touch her, don’t speak to her, don’t even think about her!”

“I-“

“Don’t you dare test me!” she screamed shrilly. “Get. Out. Of. My. HOUSE!!!” She emphasized each word with a violent gesture to the exit of the room.

“But-“

“GET OUUUUT!!!”

Her scream disturbed me to an extreme level. I’ve never heard anybody make a noise with such force. It sounded like a scream reserved for cries of bloody murder. It was more desperate than anything I’ve ever heard in my life.

Summer’s broken, frail, unsteady eyes were the last things I saw in that house. Twilight’s horn glowed brightly, and I suddenly found myself in Twilight’s castle. Yeah, it was really that sudden. Screaming psycho mare one second, newly decorated throne room the next. It was really jarring, so much so that I fell onto my back, extremely disoriented and a bit nauseous.

Seriously, fuck magic.

My head fell to the side on the floor, I just laid there, what had just happened in Scootaloo’s home still taking a moment to sink in.

I heard the clopping of hooves against the crystal floor as Twilight trotted up to me.

“Hunter? Hunter? Are you okay? I-I’m sorry, I just panicked and…I-I had to get you out of there. That mare was acting insane.”

“Why…here?” I said weakly, still trying to get my head together.

Twilight was quiet for a moment, as if she was just now realizing that we were in her castle.

“It was instinctual, like a reflex. I wanted to go somewhere I felt safe. Somewhere you could be safe. Oh, but I shouldn’t have teleported that suddenly. Hunter, really, are you okay? We still haven’t really worked out how magic affects you, and I don’t want to-“

“Twilight, I’m fine. Just a little woozy.”

I sluggishly got to my feet and vaguely noticed that there was a giant series of tree roots growing out of Twilight’s ceiling. Honestly, it was the last thing I was thinking about. There was a long silence between me and Twilight, both of us letting what had just happened to sink in.

“…Do you want to talk about it?” Twilight asked softly. I shook my head slowly. My mind was both abuzz and asleep at once, all of the thoughts running through it too much for it.

“N-No, it’s…I just need to think for a while. Twilight, you have guest rooms around here, right?” I asked, my hand held to my forehead. “In all honesty, I-I think I’m selling the effect of that teleport on me a bit short. I-I just need to lie down.”

“Y-Yeah, of course, sure,” Twilight said, worried for me. She lightly bit the hand I had at my side and led me out of the throne room and into the hallway, taking her time with me so as not to overwhelm me.

My first teleport was worse though. I may have thrown up. Profusely. You get used to it, I guess.

I don’t remember how long I was lethargically walking down that hallway with her leading me. I don’t remember which door she opened, or what it looked like. I know it had a bed. I know that because the first thing I did when we entered the room was lie down on the bed.

Twilight might have given me some words of assurance, but I just wasn’t focused on what was going on, what she was saying, or where we were.

I’d had a rough day.

Ain't That a Kick in the Head?

I groaned as I slowly came to, my eyes creaking open as I shifted around in bed. It eventually dawned on my sleep-addled mind that I had fallen asleep on top of Twilight’s guest room bed, not in it. And that her guest room bed isn’t this narrow. And that the walls in her guest room aren’t this color.

And that I’m in a different room. Yes, I am that slow.

Isn’t it so odd when you wake up in a different place then when you’d fallen asleep? No, nobody agree with that. It’s not odd. It’s fucking unsettling. I don’t mean that ‘you fell asleep on the couch when you were ten and a parent carried you to your bed’ thing either. I mean waking up somewhere you’d never been.

The walls were painted a deep purple, and the floor was comprised of pale blue and white tiles. I couldn’t see much more of the room, given my position, but like I said, waking up somewhere I’ve never been was unsettling for me, so much so that I wasn’t exactly focused on taking in the small details of the room.

I shot up in bed, thoroughly surprised in the change of surroundings from when I had fallen asleep.

Hell, did I even fall asleep in her guest room? I don’t remember…

Those thoughts were halted when I finally noticed Twilight. She was sitting, asleep, in a chair that was turned towards my bedside. I’d never seen a pony sleep whilst upright in a chair…though I suppose that is a rather specific sight. Maybe not for Equestria. Just on the whole.

I briefly thought about waking up Twilight and asking her where I was, why I was here, etcetera, but then I pretty much stopped thinking altogether when I felt a blistering ache in my skull. My hand instinctively went to the side of my head, and I let out an involuntary groan of pain as the ache tore through me.

You know the origin story of the goddess Athena? The one where she’s inside of Zeus’ head, stabbing at the innards of his cranium with a spear?

Yeah, it felt a bit like that. That analogy didn’t really give me much comfort at the time, given the manner in which Hephaestus got Athena out of Zeus’s head. I like my skull the way it is, thank you very much.

I fell back down in the bed, both of my hands gripping my head. It was as if there was an explosion wreaking my brain, and my hands were making a feeble attempt to contain the blast. An intense ringing filled my ears, and all other sounds were absent.

My eyes were closed shut, but I could still see images flashing before them. They looked so real, I felt as if I could reach out and touch them. Not that I’d want to.

Jenny’s battered body.

Summer’s seething glare.

Scootaloo’s furious face.

Maud’s first tentative smile.

Twilight’s blinding magical glow.

Pinkie’s tearful eyes.

I must have been screaming. Otherwise, Twilight wouldn’t have been able to shove the pills in my mouth, nor would she have been awake to do so. They fell down my throat, nearly choking me. I felt water rush into my mouth, and I swallowed greedily, the pills unclogging my throat. Moments later, the images faded, and with it, the pain.

“…ter! Hunter, say something, please!” Twilight’s cries overcame the now fading ringing in my ears. Both of her hooves pressed against my shoulder, shaking me, desperate to get a positive response out of me.

I was a bit busy at the moment. One of my hands fell to my chest as I was trying to catch my breath. My heart was beating at an alarming rate, and I was coughing profusely.

Waking up in an unfamiliar place is unpleasant. Getting what can be mercifully labeled as a ‘headache’, experiencing stressful flashbacks, and nearly choking to death is significantly worse. Both of them aren’t exactly optimal for the start of a day.

“W-Water!” I eventually choked out. I almost immediately felt a glass press to my lips, and I gulped the water within down desperately. My cough attack subsided, the choking sensation gone.

After that horribleness was done with, I focused on breathing, trying to calm myself down, and to slow down my furious heart. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Just repeat that about ten times and you’ll get an idea of how long I was just trying to regulate my breathing. It took a while.

I finally opened my eyes, the ceiling of…well…wherever I was, comforting me. I was here, wherever here was, not in Scootaloo’s house, or Twilight’s castle, or Sugar Cube Corner, or outside of the Crusader’s clubhouse. I was here.

With Twilight.

I strained to turn my head to face her. She was out of her chair, standing right next to the bed. Her eyes were shut closed, and she was breathing shakily, as if she was about to fully burst into sobs, but was holding herself together.

Darkened lines in her fur told me that she had been crying, that tears had run down her face and neck. I realized that she had placed a hoof on my hand.

I could see that she was hurting. Yeah, I wasn’t exactly in a great state either, but she was hurting.

My other hand moved down from the side of my head and onto her hoof. I squeezed it reassuringly, the hairs on her hoof running between my fingers.

“What…w-what was that?” I asked weakly, still feeling a bit shaky after…that.

Twilight finally opened her eyes as she turned to me, revealing her red tinged eyes. She took a breath, and her lips shuddered. She closed her mouth, curling her lips in. She was obviously having a bit of trouble collecting herself, but I let her take her time.

She opened her mouth, hanging it open for a moment before taking the jump.

“W-Well…” she began before licking her lips nervously. “You’re suffering from m-magic withdrawal.”

“What?”

She turned away and swallowed, staring at the wall for a few moments before returning her gaze.

“When I teleported us from…um…to my castle, I-I didn’t really think about how far we were traveling.” She paused before adding, “Five miles. A-Approximately.”

I paled at that bit of info. We’d only ever teleported a few feet in our meetings, and even that gave me some pretty bad nausea. But that headache was something else, something far above simple sickness.

“And when the magic entered your body, the effects weren’t too severe. A-After we teleported, you said that you felt woozy, and that you needed to lie down. The magic began to dissipate rapidly after you fell asleep, and…a-and…”

Twilight shut her eyes and lowered her head.

Oh God, what the hell happened?

“Sparklez?” I asked hesitantly. She shuddered before lifting her head back up and opening her eyes. She wouldn’t meet my own.

“Oh Celestia, Hunter, the screams…I-I thought you were having a nightmare, a terrible, terrible nightmare, but I-I couldn’t wake you, a-and by the time I recognized the symptoms and connected the dots, y-you were so pale and your skin was so cold. I-I thought…I thought I was too late.”

Twilight’s eyes were brimming with tears, her floodgates nearly open. I lifted my hand from her hoof and ran it down the side of her neck. Words aren’t exactly my forte, and in my previous line of work, you really get to understand how simple physical contact can calm someone down.

“Its okay, Sparklez,” I said quietly. “I’m not gone. Not by a long shot. I’m right here …” I took a quick glance around and gave her a quizzical look. “Wherever ‘here’ is.”

“C-Canterlot,” Twilight said shakily.

Um…what?

I let go of her and let my arm rest by my side.

“Why are we in Canterlot?”

“It’s the closest hospital from the castle…at least, since the one in Ponyville was destroyed when Tirek escaped.” I gave her an aghast look before she hurriedly added, “I-It was evacuated beforehand, Hunter, don’t worry.”

I let out a relieved sigh. The last thing my heart needed to hear was that sometime, somewhere, in this excessively stable horse-filled land, a hospital had exploded with the patients still inside.

My brows furrowed as another thought crossed my mind.

“…Sparklez?” I deadpanned.

“Yes?”

“How did I get here?”

“Um…” Twilight scratched the back of her head with her free hoof and contorted her face as if she was expecting an emotional explosion from me. “We teleported?”

“Sparklez!”

“I-I was careful!” she said defensively. “I had it all figured out. Teleporting the entire way to Canterlot with you would have been far too dangerous. The last thing you needed was an overload of magic. So, as you were going through the signs of w-withdrawal, the s-screaming and…anyway, I teleported us five miles to Canterlot, waited for the signs of withdrawal to start up again, teleported us four and a half miles, and so on.”

“You let me go through this?”

“I don’t mean you were screaming or anything on the way here! You would just stir in your sleep. I would never wait for the…the b-bad signs to start up.”

I kept my eyes on her for a moment before looking up at the ceiling.

Well, I appreciate what she did nevertheless. I didn’t want to be in that house any longer than I had to be. I don’t really think getting out of their as soon as possible was worth this, but at least I’m not getting screamed at right now.

Though I’m not too keen on having another one of those headaches any time soon, or those…hallucinations, I guess. Do those count as hallucinations? They felt so real….oh, hey.

“What was that thing you shoved in my mouth?”

“It’s a magical supplement.” Twilight answered. “The very center of the pill is comprised of condensed magic. The doctors prescribed it. I’m supposed to give you a slightly lower dose each time, to ween you off of the withdrawal.”

“What, are you worried I’m going to develop a magic dependency?” I asked with a half-smile, amused at the notion. I don’t know how I could have possibly thought anything at that time was funny, but the notion of getting addicted to magic just seemed a bit ridiculous.

“You aren’t?!” Twilight asked incredulously. That certainly wiped the smile off my face.

“What, that can happen?”

“Non-magical creatures are extremely susceptible to magic addiction, Hunter!” Twilight snapped. Her expression went from concern to curiosity extremely quickly. “Technically we haven’t proven that you react to magic the same way other non-magical creatures do, I’m not positive of it in your ca-” She interrupted herself, shaking her head and changing her tone. “You know what, I think it’s just safe to assume that the same rules apply to you.”

“Alright, fair enough.”

We were both quiet for a few moments. I eventually sat up in bed, groaning as I did so. I don’t know how long I was out, and I didn’t bother asking her, but I ached like I hadn’t moved from that bed in days.

Twilight lifted her hoof away from my hand with a startled expression.

“H-Hunter, what-“

I cut her off by grasping her retreating hoof, eliciting a surprised squeak. Cute.

“Sparklez, how long do I have to stay here to recover?”

“Well…”  Twilight cast her eyes down thoughtfully before she brought them back up to my own. “You could leave at any time, really. When I took you to the hospital, you were monitored overnight, and then moved here once I filled out the prescription for the pills, and-“

“Wait, we’re not in a hospital right now?”

“No, we’re in Canterlot Castle.”

“And why’s that?”

“The train back to Ponyville doesn’t have any medical staff on board in case of an emergency, and I didn’t have enough energy in me to teleport hop all the way back to Ponyville. Besides, even if I did, I didn’t want to risk your safety.”

I gave Twilight a soft smile, my appreciation for her concern for my wellbeing evident on my face. These days it seems like I have seldom few things to smile about. I really want to change that. Twilight blushed lightly at my silent praise before continuing.

“I spoke to Princess Celestia, and she allowed you to stay in this room for as long as you needed to. Which I guess isn’t any longer, now that you’re awake.”

“Do you think I need medical personnel around me anymore in case of emergency?”

“Apparently not. If you still needed a doctor, you’d still be in the hospital. You should be fine from now on, so long as you take the pills.” She looked down to her hoof, probably beginning to silently question why I was still holding it, or why I had taken it in the first place. That’s just speculation, but I like to think that I can read people.

Hey, just because I like to think that doesn’t mean it is true. But it’s nice to think that it’s true anyways.

“And are you free today?”

“…Excuse me?”

I nearly laughed out loud at the look she gave me, barely holding it back.

“Because I’m free, and want to do something nice and fun for a change.”

“…Sorry, I still have no idea wh-“

“Sparklez, let me level with you here: my life has sorta sucked as of late. I just had that whole deal with Summer, something I so don’t want to even consider thinking about right now, and then there’s this horrible magic-induced headache thing that I’m not willing to linger on, or even discuss to the point at which I actually understand it. Like, is magic something physical here? Is it like an over the counter drug? I don’t know much of anything about withdrawal, let alone how ponies understand it, so-“

“Hunter.”

“Right, not lingering on it, sorry. Look, the point is that there are some…things that have been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and I need a break. I just need a day or two to collect myself, some time to enjoy myself.”

“So what are you asking me?”

“I asked you if you were free today.”

“I…why?”

“Sparklez, just tell me.”

Twilight put her free hoof to her chin, looked up, and curled her lips, thinking. I really didn’t get the whole ‘princess of friendship’ business, but I still doubted that she couldn’t take a single day off. And, apparently, I was right.

“I’ve done all the paperwork that’s required of me up to the winter after next…and if I look statistically at the recent mishaps in Ponyville, I shouldn’t have to deal with a monster attack on Ponyville for about a week, so…yes, I’m free. Why do you ask?”

“Could you stay in Canterlot for a while? With me, I mean. You lived here when you were a kid, right? We could walk around town, you could show me the sights, and we’d have a great time. I’m in desperate need of a great time Sparklez, and given what I’ve put you through lately, you could use one too.”

“Well…that sounds nice and all, Hunter, but you have a job.”

“What, magic withdrawal hasn’t put me on sick leave? Didn’t you tell anypony about this?”

“I sent a letter to Pinkie while you were in the hospital.”

I let go of her hoof and spread my arms in the air, grinning widely.

“Then we’re all good! We stay in Canterlot for a couple days while  I ‘recover’, we can hang out, see the sights, ride a dragon, break some stuff, hang from chandeliers, run with scissors, the works!”

Twilight started laughing about halfway through my sentence as it became disjointed and ridiculous. I rolled my eyes at her and ruffled her mane.

“Whatever, the point is that we can have some time off. You cool with this? Can we do this? Because I’m pumped. Are you pumped? Be pumped with me. I would very much enjoy it if you shared my pumped-ness.”

Twilight smiled back at me, her saddened demeanor finally diminished.

“You’re acting awfully lot like someone who hasn’t just had a terrible magic induced migraine,” she responded. “Did you notice?”

“Hey, I’m willing to completely forget about this. Except when I need to take the pills. I would have to remember it for that. But besides that, I really, really just want to move past that, okay?”

Twilight frowned at that. I’m not sure why. What I said had seemed positive enough to me, even looking back on it.

Was it really that bad to try to put something traumatic behind you as soon as possible? I don’t want to think about how I saw my sister’s bloody corpse clear as day in front of me for a few split seconds. I don’t want to think about how real it was despite how unreal it was. I don’t want to think about how Pinkie’s crying eyes remind me of when Jenny fell down the stairs, and how she was crying when I ran up to her, and the tearful smile she gave me as I patched up her knee, and….and. I just don’t want to think about it. She’s dead. It’s over. Period.

I don’t want my thoughts to linger on Summer, or anything she had said. She no doubt just hates me for being a human and doesn’t want me to be near her, or her daughter. Fine. I’ll talk to Scootaloo about it when I get back, and we’ll sort it all out, somehow. We will. I know we will.

So yeah, I want to take some time to have fun. I want to laugh, and I want to smile. I want to weep with joy in complete abandon. Well, maybe not that last one, but you get the point. I want to live.

“Okay, Hunter,” Twilight accepted. “We can spend a few days in Canterlot.”

I wanted to be happy. I wanted to smile.

And so I was, and so I did.

Break Time Part 1: First Night

Twilight convinced me to take a breather before we went out into Canterlot. She tried to get me to go to sleep, but I convinced her to stay up with me, just to talk for a little while. As I lay here in my bed, the sunset out of my makeshift hospital room’s window quickly fading into night, I think on just how much I need this day out with her.

Despite how long I’ve been in Equestria, for how long I’ve known Twilight, and how much time her and I have spent together, I still feel distant from her. She’s one of the people I’m closest to here, yes, but that really doesn’t say a whole lot. Pinkie’s my best friend, then there’s Maud, and Twilight...yeah.

I mean, relative to how I get on with everyone else, Twilight is my friend, but that’s mostly just a consequence of my own social awkwardness. The only reason I’ve spent any time with her to begin with is because I’m alien to her. Even so, I know she’s a good person at heart (person, pony, I’m beyond semantics at this point), so I don’t see the harm in trying to get a little closer to her.

At least, that’s the point I use to try to convince myself that the whole ‘let’s hang out in Canterlot’ thing isn’t just an act of selfishness on my part. Maybe she needs the time off too.

I glance over to my bedside, where Twilight is sitting in a modest wooden chair, leaning her head against the wall, staring up at the ceiling.

Yeah. She could probably use the time off.

“Twilight?”

Twilight doesn’t respond for a moment before a look of recognition crosses over her face. She turns her head to me with a small smile and a raised eyebrow.

“Twilight?” she repeats, letting out a huff of a laugh. “What happened to Sparkles?”

I don’t bother correcting her. Something tells me that she would find it immature of me to be calling her something with a ‘z’ substituting for an ‘s’. Seems kind of like a conversation killer anyhow.

“Something tells me it was starting to wear on you.” The look she gives me seems to affirm that. “Besides, you never seemed the type for nicknames.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I mean…okay, I’m not trying to say you’re no fun or anything, but…wait, that’s a horrible way to start this sentence, um…gimme a sec.”

Did I mention my social awkwardness?

“Okay, so, take Pinks, for instance. She’s the kind of friend whose up for anything you think is fun, right? And Pebbles, she-“

Twilight giggled, then got this surprised look on her face, like she didn’t expect to find what I said to be as funny as she had taken it.

“P-Pebbles?” she dared, covering her mouth with a hoof. I think she already knows who I’m talking about, but I roll my eyes and tell her anyways.

“Maud.” Twilight gave me a leveled look, her hoof still raised as if to physically block out possible laughter.

I give her a deadpan expression.

“I’m working on it. Anyway, she’s, uh…” I faced the ceiling, hoping that the blank white of the paint would clear my head. “Se’s not exactly the ‘fun loving’ type- at least, not conventionally, I guess-but she has this sorta rough exterior that you have to…I don’t know…soften your way through to get to who she really is. Nicknames help with that. I think so, anyway.”

I could practically feel Twilight’s good humor melt into mild irritation.

“I don’t think you’re trying to insult me, but if you’re not, you’re doing a pretty bad job at expressing that,” she pointed out.

I feel a bit guilty, but pass it off with a laugh.

“I’m bad with words. Trust me, I sound a lot smarter in my head.”

Or maybe I don’t. Not that it matters. Either way, I’d rather have her under the impression that I just sound like a dumbass.

“Anyways, yeah, I’m not insulting you.” “You know what, I’ve got it. You’re transparent.” I felt her eyes on me, and hurriedly clarified. “Uh, in a good way, I mean. I feel like everyone I know unintentionally hides under some sort of persona. Pinkie can be sad, and Maud can be really sweet. You’re consistent.”

“And that means I don’t need a nickname?”

“I might as well be as straightforward with you as you are with everyone else.”

I’m talking straight out of my ass, despite the mild truth to my words, but of course I don’t tell her that. Really, the only reason I’m saying any of this is because she’s had the weakest response to my whole nicknaming thing out of anyone here. Everyone else seems to brighten at them, to an extent, like I’m sharing some kind of moment with them, like there’s comradery between us. Twilight just takes it in stride. All I can assume from that is that she doesn’t want that nickname. That, maybe, she doesn’t want that kind of connection.

Only took me, like, eight months to realize that. Shit, man.

Twilight’s quiet for a bit. Her silence disconcerted me, so I turned my head away from the blankness to face her. Her head is angled to the floor, her chin pointing at her chest. She doesn’t seem put out, just tired, but it doesn’t hurt to check, even jokingly.

“What? You all broken up about not having a nickname?”

She shrugs.

“Not really. When you gave me it, I recognized it mattered to you to some extent, so I just let it happen.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion.

“And how’d you figure that?”

Twilight shrugged once more.

“You give everypony nicknames. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, myself, Pinkie…and Maud, apparently.” Twilight paused, raising her head, directing her tired gaze on the window.

It was late out.

“You never identified nicknames as a particularly important part of human culture,” she went on, yawning. “Either it was an unimportant quirk of yours, or the opposite.”

“Well…” I reached up and scratched the back of my head, feeling a bit embarrassed, but warm. “I appreciate the effort.”

Twilight shifted into what I assumed was a more comfortable position for her in the chair. Princess of the land, falling asleep in a wooden friggin’ armchair. Christ.

She yawned once more, this one more petite and short lived. She was on her way out of consciousness, and I would be soon to follow. We had a full day tomorrow, after all. Big day on the town.

“In any case, I believe it went a long way,” Twilight said drowsily.

I settled into my pillow, my body on its side to face Twilight.

“Yeah? You think so?”

“Hunter, it’s been over a year,” she responded in a somewhat dead voice. “You have a job, housing, citizenship…friends. Close ones, like Pinkie. You’ve fully integrated. Clearly, whatever we’ve been doing to get you adjusted has worked.”

If only she knew how much that mattered to me. It’s nice to belong somewhere; to fit. I hadn’t fit anywhere…hell, with anyone, for a long time.

“Yeah, and once I walk off the withdrawal, I’ll be back on the horse in no time.”

Twilight looked at me with one eye open.

“…Expression?” she mumbled sleepily.

“Expression,” I confirmed, amused.

I saw Twilight’s eyes dart eagerly to a notepad on the bedside table. I saw her consideration. I saw her tiredness. I saw her shrug.

I saw her drift off.

And I smiled.

Tummy Rubs?

My eyes began to creak open slowly, but shot wide open when I made out the enormous seas of blue in my immediate vision.

“Hey Hunter!”

“AHHH!” I yelped, and quickly scooted backwards on my bed, my back hitting the bed frame. Directly in front of me was my best friend and co-worker, Pinkie Pie. She was sitting on my stomach, and had leaned forwards to get right in my face with her huge grin and sparkling eyes.

“AHHHH! Yourself!” she responded cheerfully…and a bit too loudly.

I groaned when I looked out the window. The sun rising above the horizon caused my eyes to squint and for me to hiss through my teeth. Normally I’d just be mildly annoyed at how early it was, but today was a Saturday, so I was a special kind of annoyed. Saturday mornings are sacred, dammit!

"Pinkie, why did you wake me up so early?” I asked, trying to leave my irritation out of my voice. Any irritation that was in my mind, however, was wiped away as I gazed back at her; she seemed to emit some sort of positive and hyper vibe that just always managed to bring me out of a sour mood.

She put on a pleading expression as she poked her stomach. I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose between my thumb and my index finger. I knew what she wanted.

"Pinks….” I started.

“Oh, c’mon, Hunty!” she begged, using the pet name that she was so fond of. “Just a little bit! Pleeeeeeeeaseeee!”

I silently cursed Twilight. She was the first pony I had met, and upon seeing her in my groggy state, I believed her to be a regular old pony and scratched her behind the ear. I had stopped when she closed her eyes halfway, put on a dopey smile, and moaned “O-oh yeah…” Yeah, that freaked me out a bit. See, apparently human fingers felt really pleasurable to a pony (using the word ‘pleasurable’ in the least…*shudder*…’sexual’ way possible), and Twilight couldn't keep her mouth shut about what happened. Loose lips sink ships, people. At least she only told her close group of friends, and among them one was too shy to ask, one was too proper, one was too busy, one was too proud, and Twilight herself…well, she insisted it was for ‘scientific purposes’. When I called her out on the fact that the notion of studying how good it felt to be scratched behind the ear was completely superfluous and ridiculous, she became too embarrassed to ask again.

And then there was one…

Where do I start with Pinkie Pie? From the beginning, of course! After we got through all of the awkwardness that was walking to Ponyville with a mare that I had inadvertently…I really don’t want to say it. It starts with an ‘a’. That should tell you enough. Anyway, the first pony we ran into was Pinkie, who threw me an admittedly awesome surprise party after gasping in my face. At the party we struck up a conversation and I mentioned that I had dabbled in baking when I was on Earth.

Anyway. Party. Right. I mentioned that, and Pinkie lit up and immediately got me a job at Sugarcube Corner, the confectionery she worked at. The Cakes were a bit hesitant, but accepted my wholeheartedly after Pinkie vouched for me…although it may have been the lemon squares I made for them that did the trick.

Not a day later, Princess Sparklebutt blabbed about how we met, which we had agreed to never share with anypony goddamn Twilight! Ugh…she told her friends, who didn't really bother me about it except for some teasing from Skittles or AJ, and maybe an occasional look of poorly guised interest. But Pinks? She was different. Well, I mean her approach, not her in general…although I guess the word ‘different’ applies to both of those, doesn't it?

She asked me for tummy rubs. Every day. Every hour. All the time. Now, you may be asking, ‘Why wouldn’t you do it?’ Think about it like this: Let’s say, for example, you touch a girl on the arm and she shudders in ecstasy. Then suddenly every girl in school is asking for a shoulder rub or something. Awesome, right? Not awesome if all of the girls are ferrets. Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

Speaking of picking up, I lifted Pinkie up by her under arms…fore hooves…whatever. Who cares if I’m anatomically correct?

“Tehe! Hunty, that tickles!” she said through her giggles, wiggling around as I placed her on the ground next to my bed.

“Pinkie, I’ll tell you what I've told you the last seventy eight times you asked,” I began (and yes, I had counted), “No, I will not give you a ‘tummy rub’.” She pouted for a second before breaking out into a large smile.

“Well, I guess I’ll just keep asking!” she said happily. Pinkie then proceeded to ask by for a tummy rub at the following intervals:

While I was getting up, while I was in the shower (she was outside the bathroom, folks), while I was brushing my teeth, while I applied deodorant, while I got dressed, while we walked downstairs, while we said hi to the Cakes, while we said hi to the twins, while we were walking to the kitchen, while we arrived at the kitchen, while I turned on the oven, while we were mixing cupcake batter, while we filled the cupcake tin with batter, while we put them into the oven, and then asked approximately fifty two times while we waited for the cupcakes to cook.

While we took the cupcakes out of the oven, while I put them down on the table, while I pulled out the frosting from the pantry, while I put the frosting can down on the table, while I got a plastic knife for spreading, while I opened the frosting can, while I applied frosting to the knife, I think you’re getting the gist so you might as well just skip the rest of this paragraph, while I spread frosting onto the first cupcake, while I spread frosting onto the second cupcake, while I spread frosting onto the third cupcake…

There were twenty cupcakes. Twenty!

She asked me for a tummy rub ninety four times from when I woke up to when we were done baking the first batch of cupcakes. Just the first one, mind you!

It was about noon when I was beginning to snap. Pinkie was pretty much spitting out requests to get some rubs for her tummy like a fully automatic, squeezing them between orders.

“Here you go can I have a tummy rub?” she said whilst giving Derpy a blueberry muffin. The mail-mare looked confused for about a nanosecond, which was how long it took before I registered Pinkie’s question and gave her my trusty answer.

“No.”

“Please?”

I savored the variation of her question, seeing as all she had been asking before was the same old mantra, but I remained strong.

“No.”

“Pretty please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please with sprinkles on top?”

“No.”

“Pretty please with-“

“Mrs. Cake!” I yelled abruptly, surprising Pinkie. “I'm taking my lunch break!” There was a muffled call of acknowledgement from the kitchen, and I took that as permission for me to leave my post. I took off my white apron, my only piece of uniform, and threw it across my shoulder, landing on Pinkie’s face. And with that, I proceeded to storm out of the confectionery, attracting the attention of several ponies.

“Hunty, wait for me!” I heard Pinkie Pie yell from behind me. Ignoring her plea, I walked right out the door and headed for nowhere. Just somewhere away from her, before something I’d regret could happen.

“Hunty!”

I shut my eyes. Shut up.

“Hunty!”

I grinded my teeth. Shut up!

"Hunty!”

I clamped my hands over my ears. SHUT UP!

“HUNTY!”

...Hunty?

Something snapped.

”SHUT, UP!"

The first thing I registered is that all of the sound from the hustle and bustle of the busy street had ceased. The second was a faint deflating sound. Finally, my senses returned to me as my brain analyzed what had happened in the past five seconds of blind rage. I had whipped around, opened my eyes, unclasped my hands, gotten right up to Pinkie Pie, and…oh no.

I took in the sight before me. Everypony on the street had stopped and was staring at me. But they weren't important. The mare in front of me was what was important.

I don’t think devastated is a strong enough word. Her mouth was slightly open and quivering, her ears flat against her head, her mane losing most of its puffiness and falling just short of being limp. But her eyes were the absolute worst part: their usually sparkling cerulean hue was replaced with a dull and grey toned blue, and the eyes were beginning to fill with tears. I had seen those eyes before...

NonononononononononononoNO!

“P-Pinkie, wait, I-“I extended a hand towards her and she flinched away. You have no idea how much of a bastard that makes someone feel like.

“I…I-I’m sorry, Hunter.” Pinkie said despondently, obviously trying her best to stave off her tears. She failed. Turning on her hooves, she ran all the way back to Sugarcube Corner, her sobs echoing through my mind.

I looked around, unsure of what to do. Everypony was glaring at me, and I knew it wasn't for being an alien. Not this time. This time, I had made the most popular pony in town cry, and that put me on the residential shit list. I quickly ran after Pinkie, thoughts of what occurred running through my head, the main one being the set of rules I had made for myself upon learning that I had to live in this world. One of them was that I couldn't corrupt the innocence of this place, so no lewdness and no cursing. Another was that I would never instigate violence. One of the most important ones, at least to me, was to never make anypony cry, especially mares, and with two ponies in mind: Flutters and Pinks. I’d realized a long time ago that these ponies have never experienced anything as cruel as something a human could dish out, and tried to be as careful as I could about what I said. But looks like I screwed that up. To be fair, Pinkie was being annoying…no, no, that didn't excuse what I said. I had to make it up to her.

...Goddammit.

When I entered Sugarcube Corner, Mr. and Mrs. Cake gave me the sternest looks I’d ever seen on them.

“Where’s Pinkie!?” I asked urgently.

“In her room, crying her eyes out.” Mr. Cake said coldly. The couple were standing in front of the stairwell, blocking my entry.

“What did you say to Pinkie?" Mrs. Cake said, using the same tone. The other ponies in the room were stock still and tried to look away from the situation at hand, keeping their eyes on their food.

“Something I need to apologize for.” I replied, my tone resigned. They continued to glare at me. “Like…right now.” They didn't move. I let out a sigh. “Look, I get it, I screwed up, like, really screwed up, but I want to make it up to her. Can I please see her?” Groveling to ponies, a species that not a month ago I thought were dis-sentient. That was…kind of weird.

The Cakes gave me a wary look, but looked at each other and nodded after a moment. They moved out of the way of the stairwell, allowing my entry. I gave a quick nod of thanks and ran straight up.

About halfway up I began to hear the sound of quiet, muffled sobs. An innocent, happy, bubbly pony was crying because I couldn't keep my stupid temper in check. My heart couldn’t take much more of this.

I reached the top of the stairwell into the loft that Pinkie and I shared. The party pony was laying in her bed, her face buried in a pillow, her body racked with sobs.

Well…here goes nothing.

“Pinkie?” I asked quietly, keeping my distance. Pinkie looked up from her pillow and I saw her eyes, dull blue and brimmed with red from the tears she’s shedding. She shifted herself and lied down on her side, facing the wall, away from me. I was a bit surprised that she didn't have any angry or sad words to say to me, but realized what hurt me much more were my own actions towards her.

I moved towards her bed, and if she had a problem with me getting any closer, she didn't show it. She didn't move when I sat down on the bed and faced her back.

“Pinkie, please look at me.” I pleaded. She didn't move. I gently grasped her shoulder, eliciting no reaction from her, and delicately pulled her onto her back. She looked up at me with puffy red eyes brimming with sorrow yet touched with curiosity, and I met her gaze.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you.” I say with complete sincerity. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn't have…I…I didn't mean to…” I trailed off a bit. I’m not good with words.

I let out a sigh as I collected my thoughts and pressed on. “Don’t take what I said to heart. I was frustrated, and not by you, not really. It’s just….forget it. Look, I cannot express in words how much it hurts me to see you hurt, and that pain is doubled when I know that I caused it.” I felt a stinging in my eyes, but was never sure whether I was tearing up or not.

She still had that look on her face.

“I…I don’t deserve your forgiveness…I’ll just…let myself out.” I started to get up from the bed, resigned to the idea that Pinkie will never be my friend again, when I pink furred hoof (somehow) grabbed my shirt.

“Pinkie?” I turned around to see a small smile on the mare’s face, growing slowly but surely.

She pulls herself up to her haunches and wraps her fore hooves around my back before pulling me into a hug, burying her head in my chest.

“I forgive you, Hunty.” she said, her voice a bit ragged from the crying. “I’m super-duper sorry I was bothering you. I...I should have let it go. I shouldn't have-"

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her deeper into the hug, cutting off the rest of her apology.

“It's okay, Pinkie.”  I murmured into her ear. "I forgive you too." Pinkie remained quiet as we continued the hugging session, but I still felt pretty bad about screaming at her. Okay, yes, she may have had it coming but I don't think anybody has ever gone off on her like I did. If I had done this to a human, whatever, I probably would have decked them too. But to a vulnerable pony...it doesn't sit well with me. But I do know one way to cheer her up enough to put me at peace.

Oh God, here it comes…

“Hey Pinks?”

“…Yes, Hunty?”

I let out a long sigh before fully resigning to my fate.  “Would you like a tummy rub?”

“WOULD I?!?!” Pinkie yelled in my ear. She pulled away from the hug and fell backwards, landing bouncily on the bed on her back. I tried to be a good sport about it, but I also really, REALLY hoped that she wouldn't react like ol’ Sparklebutt did. I picked Pinkie up, one hand under her shoulders and the other under hind legs and turn to the side, sitting with my back to her headboard and a pony on my lap. I resist ‘awww’ing when I see that Pinkie’s fore hooves are curled up adorably. Her eyes are sparkling at me and she was grinning in anticipation of what she was sure to be, in her likely thoughts, THE BEST, TUMMY RUB, EVER!

“Just…just don’t be weird about this, okay?” I said with trepidation. She quickly nodded and poked her belly.

“Sure, just get rubbing!” she projected happily.

I don't think she knew what I meant.

Oh, and something I forgot to mention. I did say that I was a bit of a baker, but that was just in my off time. Off time from what? Being a physical therapist. Well, massage therapist. Masseur. Whatever, technicalities. So that thing I said about human fingers isn't exactly true for every human, I suppose. I mean, yeah, I imagine that five small things massaging you feels better than one blocky thing (don’t think too hard about that), but knowing where to apply pressure and how much of it to apply does help.

So now you know why my massages were so good. Well, I couldn't know for sure if they were any good, but my customers back on Earth seemed to think they were average at best. But when I started going to work on Pinkie’s stomach, she just…well…okay, granted, she didn't react like Twilight did. Her eyes went wide for a moment at the sensation, then they closed as her mouth grew a small smile. Not a smile of mirth or pleasure of the ‘forbidden’ variety, but a smile of content. Her limbs were twitching a bit, her right hind leg especially, but other than that she seemed-

“Mmmmm…” she cooed under her breath. “You’re really good at this…”

Okay, nope. Time out.

I paused the tummy rub and the mare pouted at me.

“Pinkie,” I began, “what did I say about being weird about this?” Pinkie looked back at me with a confused look on her face, her eyes now open.

“I didn’t really know what that meant. I’m pretty weird, Hunty. You gotta be more specificacious.” Pinkie said proudly. I took my hand away from her stomach to face palm, both at her confusion and her made up word.

“I meant, ‘don’t act like Twilight acted’.” I explained whilst my hand dragged down my face.

“So…don’t make noise?” Pinkie said, grasping for an answer. Now, the actual thing I meant was obviously, ‘don’t make any…okay I’ll say it, SEXUAL, noises’, but, hey, close enough.

“Right.” I said. Pinkie gave a nod of understanding and locked her mouth with an imaginary key. I rolled my eyes at her display, but put my hand back onto her tummy regardless. After about ten minutes of rubbin’, with the occasional ‘a little to the left’ and that sort of thing (which I decided to not point out as her making noise), I decided that I’d done my job.

“Awwww…” she said dejectedly when I removed my hand from her stomach.

“I think ten minutes is enough for one day, Pinks.” I said. She perked up at that.

“You mean we can do this again!?!” she asked excitedly. I smiled and nodded in confirmation, and she, no joke, straight up squeaked. Like, not as in a high pitched squeal, I mean the sound of a rubber ducky came out of nowhere when she grinned back at me.

I’d stopped questioning Pinkie Pie. I found it better for my health to just accept the strange things that happen around her.

“Sooooooo,” I drew out, “you forgive me?” She responded by sitting up in my lap and giving me a bone-crushing hug around my midsection. How something so light can be so strong, I’ll never know.

“I already did, you silly-willy Hunty-wunty!” she said, then pulled away from the hug and bopped me on the nose, making sure to be very gentle. Cause, you know. Hooves. I got an evil idea and gave her a look of confusion.

“Hey, Pinks, my hand feels funny.” I said, feigning concern as I lifted my hand in front of my face.

“What’s wrong?” she said with very real concern, which almost made me feel bad, but what I’ll do next will make up for it.

“Oh no! Pinkie, it’s, it’s-“I said with fake fear, convulsing my hand. Pinkie caught on and backed up off of me.

“THE CLAW!” she yelled. Yeah, I’ve done this before with her.

“Pinkie, run! Save yourself!” I yelled back, an uncontrollable smile on both of our faces, breaking all sense of immersion in our act. I reached over with ‘the claw’ and tickled the bejesus out of Pinkie’s tummy, who began to laugh uproariously.

“No, no not the claw!” she squealed between laughs. I withdrew my hand and dramatically gasped for air.

“Nothing can stop the CLAW!!!!” I announced before diving back into tickling. Pinkie escaped my grasp and galloped to the door, giggling all the while.

“Run, girl, run!” I called after her, running after her with my hand leading. “Save yourself!”

I descended the stairs in hot pursuit. When I made it to the bottom, I saw that the Cakes had been manning the store and that most of the customers were giving me the stink eye. Pinkie ran up to a gray mare in a dress and dived behind her and…oh wait, one more thing I didn't say:

The day before that day, Pinkie told me that her sister was coming into town. I’d asked her what she was like, and Pinkie told me that she was fun and loved rock candy…and rocks. Just, like, rocks in general. I had mentally rolled my eyes at this and asked a couple of Pinkie’s friends what the Pie sister was really like, and they had told me that while she was outwardly rather emotionless,  she cared a great deal for her little sister. And also she could punch through solid rock. A deadly combination if there ever was one. Anyway, I hadn’t asked about why she was visiting, but I’d bet it had something to do with a six foot tall alien biped living with her sister. But that was just a hunch.

“Do the claw to Maud, Hunty, do the claw to Maud!” Pinkie called out from behind her gray sister. Seeing the pony that must have been Maud, I expertly deduced that she was exhibiting extreme symptoms of ‘not in the mood’. Her face was completely blank, showing no emotion whatsoever besides a touch of boredom. And in addition to the whole ‘she can punch through solid rock’ thing, I wasn’t about to invite her to tickle town.

“Uh oh.” I said in mock horror. “You’ve found the claw’s only weakness. SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES!” And with that, I let out a shuddering gasp and flipped my hand over, a wet raspberry at the end accenting the claw’s death.

You know what’s a blessing and a curse about being thrown into a world that had no knowledge of yours? References. So long as I use them out of context, I’m a riot.

Pinkie laughed at my display, and the Cakes just rolled their eyes and smiled, happy to see that we were over our little spat. In fact, everyone in the room looked relieved that we seemed to have gotten our issues resolved.

I got the chance to fully take in Maud’s appearance, and if I had one word to describe her, it would probably be ‘bland’. Her coat was a blank gray, her mane was a dull purple which her eye shadow matched, and she was wearing a simple dark blue dress. The one thing that made it clear that she was Pinkie’s sister was her eyes, which matched Pinkie’s point for point.

“So, um…” I said, awkwardly addressing Maud. “How’s that for a first impression?”

She blinked very slowly at me, not unlike how Gummy blinks. “It was different.” she said, her voice very dry. If I had to compare it to anything familiar to me, it would probably be Raven from Teen Titans. She even had the purple hair and the gray skin…well, fur, but you get the idea.

Pinkie jumped up to Maud’s side and wrapped a hoof around her. The gray mare didn’t react. I have a feeling that her not reacting to anything will be a running theme. “Hunty, this is my super-duper awesome-saucem big sister Maud!" she said excitedly. "Maud, this is my friend Hunty!”

“Hunter is fine.” I interjected. I didn’t mind Pinkie’s pet name, but it didn’t exactly roll off the tongue. In fact, I have absolutely no room to talk, considering that within the first day on this pony planet I gave out nicknames to all of Pinkie’s best friends. Rainbow Dash’s was probably my favorite one: Skittles. Man, I’m so original and clever. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Maud.”

Maud gave me a blank look which I can’t really call a stare, considering she showed extreme disinterest.

“Likewise.” She said in a dry voice.

…Oh my God. Purple hair. Gray skin (fur, whatever). Extreme disinterest. Dry voice. Oh holy hell, it’s Raven from Teen Titans.

I was going to voice this, but quickly realized that no one would get the reference. Besides, that was my first time talking to Maud, so it was in my best interest to keep the weird human stuff to myself for the time being.

But I still couldn't chuckling at the thought. Maud’s expression didn't change, and she didn't acknowledge my outburst, so I didn't find it necessary to explain myself.

“We were just getting done with a tummy rub!” Pinkie said excitedly. AGH!

“Pinkie!” I said sharply. I had literally just met her sister, and she was telling her about…well, I guess it wasn’t *shudder* physical, not in THAT sense anyway, but still, it can be misconstrued.

Maud didn’t even flinch. I’d seen walls with more emotional output.

“Tummy rub?” Maud said, her voice barely having the inflection required for her sentence to sound like a question.

“Yep!” Pinkie shot back. “See those thingies on his arms?” she pointed at my hands.

Seriously, Spike has hands, Henry the Bear has hands, why does no one here know what hands are?

“Pinkie-“I said, trying to stop this train before it crashed, but to no avail.

“They feel all ‘YAY!’ when they rub rub rub!” SHREEEEECH CRASH!

My eyes widened in horror at the innuendo that Maud couldn’t miss unless she was as dense as a boulder.

“Woah woah woah!” I said with my hands out, trying to salvage the wreckage. “Pinkie dogged me into giving her a massage, that’s all she meant!” Pinkie gave me an odd look as Maud…well, yeah. Blank.

“What else would it have meant?” Maud said in her bordering on sociopathic voice. I had to raise an eyebrow at that.

Did…did that really just fly over her head? You know, now that I think about it, in my time here I have heard exactly zero innuendos or sex jokes or…anything in reference to anything sexual. Did ponies not know about…no no no, that’s just stupid. Of course they know; how could they not?

“Um…nothing.” I said cautiously. I wasn't about to dig even bigger hole for myself by voicing my thoughts. “Anyway, it was nice meeting you Maud and I’d love to stay and chat, but Pinkie and I kind of left the Cakes with the counter and I can hear the twins from the kitchen.” That wasn’t an excuse either, I could hear the foals from here, and what with the Cakes having to periodically check on them, business was going slower than normal.

“OHMIGOSH!” Pinkie yelled out, causing everyone in the room to flinch (excluding one certain gray mare) “Maud hasn’t met the twins yet!”

So let’s talk about the twins. Upon first glance they may dazzle you with their apparent cuteness, their charmingly adorable smiles that paralyze any mortal they come across. But then, you look up from their little mouths and gape in complete awe at the sheer horror of what lies above; their eyes. Their irises make up for about ninety percent of their eyes, the remaining ten belonging to their milky pupils. To stare into the eyes of the twins is to stare into the universe itself, to come to the soul shattering understanding of the infinite power and wisdom of these GODS AMONG US. ALL HAIL THE TWIhihihaahahaha!

Yeah, I’m not sure where that came from. Just being a goof, I guess. The twins are about as omnipresent and godly as Gummy. Granted, their eyes are a bit creepy, but you get used to them. I love the little guys; they’re always very affectionate for me, and I think I felt my heart explode the first time Pumpkin said ‘Hunty’ (hence Pinkie’s nickname for me). Although, they did make me a bit nervous; at that age, they’re pretty impressionable, so I have to watch what I say and do even more so than usual.

Pinkie ran into the kitchen, leaving a pink blur behind her. Maud and I exchanged a look, me with a raised eyebrow and her with her signature expression of nothing. I shrugged.

“Well, come on.” I said, understanding that I wasn’t getting away from Maud this easily. I leisurely walked into the kitchen with Maud in tow, giving Mr. and Mrs. Cake a quick smile on the way. Entering the kitchen, I saw that both the twins were crying and that Pinkie was holding a bag of flour above her head. Oh, not again!

“Pinkie, stop!” I belted out. Pinkie turned to me, looking confused. I took the bag of flour from her and set it down on the ground. I really don’t want to have to clean that up later, especially considering that pouring a bag of flour on yourself isn’t the only way to calm a baby down.

“Pinks, you don’t have to do that every time.” I informed her. The unasked question of ‘you’ve got a better idea?’ shone in her eyes, and I quickly answered it. I sat down between Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake on the ground and put an arm around each of them, pulling them up to my chest.

“Shh, sh sh, It’s okay” I whispered gently, rocking them back and forth by swiveling my hips. I was really hoping that Pumpkin wouldn’t blast me with her magic or that Pound would start punching me, but my whispers of assurance eventually calmed their wailing down to quiet sobs. Well, I have one more trick up my sleeve. I closed my eyes and started to sing as gently as I could.

"Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

And down will come baby, cradle and all."

That song always makes me a little sad. Too many memories.

When I opened my eyes, I had two sleeping foals in my arms, their eyes wet but their mouths curved into smiles that inspired one to appear on my face. I lifted Pound up to Pinkie, who took him in her hooves and placed him on her back with a grateful smile and walked out the kitchen to return him to his crib upstairs. I got up and was about to exit the kitchen when Maud interrupted me.

“Could I carry her?” she deadpanned. I thought on it for a moment, but decided there wasn’t any harm in it. Crouching down, I put Pumpkin on Maud’s back. Immediately the filly squirmed to find a comfortable spot, worrying me for a moment that she’d fall off. Pumpkin eventually gripped onto Maud’s mane and pulled herself closer to it, her body rubbing against Maud’s neck. Maud craned her neck carefully to catch a glimpse at the foal, and her blue eyes held a sudden warmness in them; fleeting and subdued, but there none the less. She turned to me and her expression turned back to its default setting.

“Thanks.” She said briefly before walking out of the kitchen to follow Pinkie. I smirked at her retreating form. She’s a bit off, isn’t she?

As I exited, Mrs. Cake took a glance at me from behind the counter. Her smile at seeing her foals being cared after fell as she looked at me, her expression of quiet joy turning into one on concern.

“Dear, are you alright?” She asked worriedly. What?

“Yeah.” I responded, confused. “Why wouldn’t I be?” She just pointed a hoof at her own eye.

Understandably confused, I haphazardly wiped my face with a hand, and was a bit surprised at what I felt.

Tears.

Compromising Positions and Mental Scarring

Compromising Positions and Mental Scarring

I tapped my foot on the ground and crossed my arms. I don’t want to be here, but Pinkie had insisted. Well…okay, she didn’t insist. She’s had a pretty big aversion to ‘insisting’ ever since I blew up at her. But she did ask. Nicely. Once. You know, I can actually feel my masculinity slipping away as a result of being so whipped. Once I get outta here, I’m gonna have to blow something up, just so that I don’t grow a vagina.

I raised my fist to knock on the large golden door again, but to my surprise it swung open. Upon looking down, I saw the thing I always dread coming into contact with.

Princess Sparklebutt.

She looked up at me and smiled somewhat anxiously.

“Hello, Hunter.” She said warmly, if a tad timidly. I don’t really blame her. All the other times we’ve been in a room together, things just get awkward real fast. Wonder why.

“Why am I here, Sparklebutt?” I said, my voice void of elation or hatred. I don’t hate Twilight; in fact, I consider her one of my friends. But I do like to give her a hard time, especially for all of the crap I go through whenever I come over here. Last time, she wanted a full body diagram of a human body. As in naked. As in absolutely fucking not.

“Didn’t Pinkie tell you?” The alicorn asked, completely ignoring the incredibly intelligent nickname I gave her. I sighed and scratched the back of my neck.

“She told me that you needed me, and that it was important.” I said. Yeah, important my ass. She probably wants some of my hairs for ‘experiments’, whatever the hell that means, or for me to tell her stuff about humans and Earth AGAIN, or a tummy rub. Most likely the tummy rub.

Probably the tummy rub.

Definitely the tummy rub.

“O-Oh, did she now?” Twilight asked nervously. “Yes, um, very important.”

I frowned at that. Okay, so this clearly isn’t important, and she knows it. But…I don’t want to blow her off, or anything. Might as well see what she has in store for me. I mean, how bad could it be?

…I have to stop asking questions like that.

“Alright, let’s get this over with.” I said, crossing the door frame.

If I had to describe Twilight’s castle in one word, it would probably be ‘empty’. No paintings, no tapestries, no rugs, nothing. Just hallways, staircases, and window. You know what, speaking of empty…

“Twilight,” I ventured, “Shouldn’t there be guards in here?”

“Hiring a royal guard has been a bit…” Twilight paused, searching for a word. “…problematic.”

“How so?” I asked, my curiosity rising.

“Well, statistically, disaster on a grand scale is more likely to occur in Ponyville than in Canterlot or the Crystal Empire by about eighty percent.”

Ahem…NEEEEEERRRRRDDDDDDD.

“Sooo, the guards are too scared to come here?” I summarized. Twilight confirmed it with a nod of the head. You know, I don’t have a hard time believing that. Hell, I’d be too scared if I was a guard. From what I’ve heard, Ponyville has been infested by insects that eat everything, attacked by a bear the size of a house, and worst of all…

…has been stampeded by little baby bunnies. Oh, the horror!

`“You still haven’t told me why I’m here.” I reminded Twilight.

“I’ll tell you on the way.” She replied. It could have just been me, but she sounded a bit ominous. She led me down one of the long hallways of her castle. The emptiness was really getting to me; the only decoration were the windows. You’d think if you were a princess, you’d furnish your freakin’ castle. Might as well ask about it.

“Sparklebutt-“ I began before Twilight cut me off.

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call me that.”

“Alright, her royal Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria-“

“Hunter!” Twilight exclaimed, stopping in her tracks.

When my inner smart ass comes out, I just can’t keep it at bay. That was a golden opportunity, right there. Twilight sighed and rubbed her temple with a wing before continuing.

“Can you please just call me Twilight?” Sparklebutt implored.

“Well, excuuuse me, princess.” Man, just keep the golden opportunities coming, Twilight. “I give everypony a nickname. It’s kind of my shtick.”

It’s true: Pinkie was Pinks, Fluttershy was Flutters, Rarity was Rares, Rainbow was Skittles (I’m particularly proud of that one), and Applejack was AJ (not so much for that one). I even made ones for the foals I played with a couple days ago: Scooter, Belle, and Applebud. That last one needs some work, but you get the idea. It’s just a thing I do with my friends. Speaking of which, I really need to give one to Maud. Not much to work with there, but I’ll figure it out.

“Well, can you make one that’s less insulting?” Sparklebutt asked. Well…maybe I can make something based on that shitty book series that her name reminds me off…nah, this world doesn’t need anything related to Stephanie Myer. That crap can stay on Earth. I could call her Twi, but AJ already calls her that, so that would just be unoriginal. Then again…AJ’s friends call her AJ. Huh. Add that to the list of nicknames I need to work on. How about…oh, got it!

“What about ‘Sparklez?” I suggested. Yes, with the ‘z’. Adds some pizazz.

“That’s fine.” Twilight said with a shrug, blissfully unaware of the minor trolling going on. Somehow, I get the feeling that she wouldn’t care for a nickname ending with the letter ‘z’.

“So anyway, Sparklez,” I proceed as we walk down the long hallway, “you gonna explain why you asked for me?”

“I was getting to that.” Sparklez snapped. Jeez, aren’t we snippy today. A moment later, she looked up at me apologetically.

“Sorry, that was rude.” She said, sounding sincere enough. “I’m just a little tired, is all. I’ve been working on this transformation spell for the past week, and I haven’t been getting much sleep. Actually, that spell is why you’re here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been using the data you’ve been giving me in our sessions to create a new transformation spell.” She explained.

By sessions, she means the interviews we’ve been having bi-weekly since I’ve been here. I basically just sit in her castle with her and tell her about Earth while she takes notes. I have no idea why she needs these notes, though; I’m the first historically recorded human on this planet, so the chances of another one coming through is slim to none, which makes it confusing as to why she needs information on human anatomy and history.

Side note: I maaaaay have skipped over some of human history. As in, the bits that include murder, rape, genocide, and all that stuff. So, basically sixty percent of human history. I mean, I tell her that we’re a warlike people, but I don’t go into detail past giving the gist of why the wars occurred, who was involved, and who won. There’s not much to tell, really. The only history class I ever paid attention in was American History anyway.

I’m going off on a tangent, aren’t I? Let me go ahead and stop myself before we start talking about Poptarts, or something equally random. And delicious. Mmmm…Poptarts…

“What kind of transformation spell?”

“Um…” Twilight said, nervous all of a sudden. “Well, uh, it’s, ah…you’ll see.”

Well, that’s worrisome.

“O….kay…?”

“Great! Oh, we’re here.” Twilight stopped in front of a large crystal door at the end of the hallway. Her horn glowed a faded magenta for a moment, and the door unlocked and swung open. Poking my head in, I got a look at the room...

Well…it’s not as bare boned as the rest of the castle, at least. There’s a couple bookshelves pushed against the walls, a comfortable looking sofa, and a desk with a chair scooted in. Behind the desk, hanging on the walls, were all kinds of charts and diagrams, but what freaked me out a bit was that almost all of them involved humans. All of the notes from our sessions lay strewn on the desk, along with an inkwell and several quills. The most impressive, and creepy, thing in this room is a drawing of a clothed Vitruvian Man in my own image hanging behind the desk.

All in all, Sparklez has a human room. Weird…

“Sparklez…” I said slowly,” Is this a…human room?”

“Oh no, of course not.” The princess said, rolling her eyes at me. “This is my research room.” She gestured to the room with a hoof. “This is where I do research on anything that strikes my fancy, peaks my curiosity, or something unknown that…well, that I’d like to know more about. And right now, human kind is very fascinating to me.”

“And how long have you been researching humans?”

“Since you got here. I’ve been looking at old books from all around Equestria, even the Canterlot Archives, and I haven’t found anything that references humans or interdimensional travel. But I won’t stop looking!” She added hurriedly.

“Thanks Sparklez.” I said sincerely. “I really appreciate that.” Don’t get me wrong, I love being here, but the option of returning home is pretty attractive. But…I have a lot to lose if I go back. I mean, granted, if I don’t go back to Earth, I’ll never see my family, or what’s left of it, my friends, hell, another human being.

On the other hand, I’d never see any friends I’ve made here ever again.

…I’d never see Pinkie again.

Abigbrotherabigbrotherabigbrotherabigbrother…

“Hunter?”

“Hm?” I mumbled. Twilight was looking at me with a concerned expression. “Oh, um, sorry. Just zoned out for a sec, don’t worry about it. So, uh, what are we in here for?”

“I need you to confirm whether or not…well…” Twilight seemed to reconsider telling me the whole plan. “You know what, you’ll see. I want it to be a surprise.” She finished, giving me a big smile. “Just, ah, sit over there while I go over my notes.” The princess pointed a hoof at the sofa near the back of the room. Twilight has absolutely no eye for interior design. I mean, I don’t either, but it doesn’t take a genius to tell that a red couch doesn’t work in a room that’s purple and blue.

…I’m gonna have to blow even more stuff up to make up for that observation.

I walked over and sat on the sofa as Twilight went over her notes. It’s kind of odd…normally, equine furniture doesn’t really work with my body; it always feels uncomfortable. That’s why I got my bed custom made. But this couch seemed to have been made with human proportions in mind. Odd…

“Alright, I think I’ve got it.” Twilight said confidently. “I just need one more thing.” She walks over to me and levitates a petri dish in front of me. “One human hair.”

“Uh…why?” This isn’t the first time she asked for one, and not the first time I’ve given her one, but it’s still a bit strange to me, so I have to ask every time. And every time she gives me a vague answer.

“I’m not ruining the surprise, Hunter.” She said. “Just trust me on this.” You see? Vague.

I paused for a moment before giving a shrug that said, ‘fuck it’, pulled out a hair from my mess of a haircut, and deposited one black hair into the petri dish. Twilight’s horn glowed for a moment, and the hair burst into flames. I pressed my back against the couch in surprise, but Twilight didn’t take notice. She levitated the ashes from the hair and spun them around her horn until they attached to it, forming a thin gray band on her purple horn.

“Why’d you do that?”

“I needed a human’s genetic code.” She answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Although, I’ve edited yours a bit so I don’t end up being an exact copy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, more confused than ever. Twilight smiles at me, probably finding my slowness amusing at some level.

“Just tell me if this is accurate or not.” She said cryptically. I didn’t have a chance to ask any more questions, as when her horn began to glow, her entire body glowed with blinding white light, taking my breath away in surprise. Then her form started to…shift. Her head got smaller, her limbs extended and became thinner, the top of her body expanded, and…

Suddenly, the light flashed particularly brightly, and my vision was lost momentarily. I rubbed my eyes, and slowly opened them, revealing a pale blob.

“Hunter?” Agh, the blob knows my name! Forgive me blob, I know not what I do! “Hunter, are you alright? Can you see? Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot how bright it gets when I try this.”

I blinked furiously and rubbed my eyes again. This time, my vision was pretty much working, and…

AGH! NOPE! I DON’T WANT TO USE MY EYES ANYMORE!

“Sparklez!” I yelled. “What the hell!” I know I’m breaking two of my rules by both yelling at a pony and cursing at a pony, but in my defense…that’s not a pony.

Twilight turned herself into a human. From what I saw for the five seconds it took for me to smack a hand over my eyes, she’s rather pale, a little shorter than me, and has shoulder length hair. Evidently, she must have altered the DNA she used as a base for the spell, because her hair was a chocolate brown and her eyes were hazel.  That’s all fine and good, but then when you look down…

She’s completely stark naked.

“What?” She said defensively. “Did I get something wrong? Is it the facial structure? Or the teats? It’s the teats, isn’t it?”

Well, she isn’t wrong. Her comment made my cheeks burn as I searched for a way to explain this.

"I thought I was pretty clear on the whole, ‘humans wear clothes’ thing.” Actually, I really wasn’t. I said that humans only remove their clothes when they bathe or when they go to bed. I never mentioned…you know what I didn’t mention.

“Oh, right, sorry!” Twilight said frantically, realizing that she made a giant faux pas. “I, um, actually had Rarity make some clothes for me for when I look like this. I’ll be right back.”

I kept my hand over my eyes until I couldn’t hear the pattering of her feet against the floor anymore.

Actually…this answers a few questions that have been hanging over my head. For one, she didn’t comment on the presence of a…maidenhood, so that implies that ponies do indeed have private parts. And yeah, I know, you’re asking, ‘how could you not have seen one before now, ponies are naked almost all of the time’.

Answer: I have absolutely no idea.

No, seriously, I have no fucking clue. I’ve never seen Big Mac’s big mac, I’ve never seen Pinkie Pie’s pinkie pie-ugh, ack, no, shouldn’t have thought of that. Now there’s barf in my mouth. Ughh, oh my God. Never again.  Ever. Never ever never ever.

Blech…anyway…I don’t know, maybe they hide them with their tails, or something. Well, that can’t be, because when Scooter and her friends shoved their plots in my face, I saw absolutely nothing there! So where the fuck do they keep it?! It has to be in around the same place, or Twilight would have said something. Maybe I just didn’t give her enough time to bring it up. I…I guess I’ll ask about it when she gets back. I’ll be subtle about it though.

I heard the sound of shoes racing against the crystal floor, a sound that I’d only heard from myself before now. I guess Rarity made Twilight shoes, as well.

“I’m back! Are you still there?” Twilight yelled as she got closer and closer to the research room. Before I could answer, she burst through the door and stumbled towards the couch, losing her balance.

Crap crap crap!

My instincts kicked in, and no thoughts entered or exited my mind as I jumped off the couch and attempted to stop Twilight’s fall. Unfortunately, I was expecting her to weigh as much as her pony self…which she didn’t.

“Oof!”

I fell back first onto the hard crystal floor, and a second later, Twilight crashed on top of me.

“Sorry…” she groaned, siting up on top of my hips. “I’m not used to using just two hooves to walk. Er, I mean, feet.”

Meanwhile, I think my face could fry an egg at this point as I looked at her; both because of our rather compromising position, because Twilight was the only human girl I’d seen in a month, and, most of all:

Twilight looked ridiculously cute. Rarity did a good job with the outfit, I’ll tell you that. It totally fit her, both her new body and her personality. She was wearing a purple argyle sweater vest over a white button up collared shirt. The shirt’s top two buttons were undone, but everything important was hidden, if you catch my drift. No?

…Boobs. I’m talking about boobs.

The shirt stuck out a bit at the bottom, and hung slightly over her navy blue skirt. From what I could see from this position, it was supposed to stop at about mid-thigh.

Annnnd I’ve been analyzing her outfit for the past full minute with her still on top of me, haven’t I?

Twilight brushed her hair out of her face as she looked down at me, worry evident in her large hazel eyes.

“Hunter…um, do you have a fever?” She asked innocently. “You’re getting really red…” She placed a pale, dainty hand on my forehead, and retracted it quickly. “And you’re really hot!”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” I said intelligently. I smacked myself on the cheek, hard, causing Twilight to yelp in surprise and fall backwards, laying on my legs. Well, at least my mind is a bit clearer-

FUCKING DAMMIT!

I made the mistake of shifting my glance from the ceiling to Twilight. Who was laying backwards on my legs. With a skirt on. With her legs splayed to the side. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a second to realize how horrifying this situation has become.

…You got it? Good. Someone can share my suffering. Christ, why did I tell her the differences between male and female underwear? Oh, right. Because she asked.

I made the wise decision of shutting my eyes before anything else wildly inappropriate could happen to me.

“Twilight.” I said as calmly as I could. “’Would you kindly roll off of my so I could stand up?”

“Oh, um, right.” Twilight said, embarrassed by her lack of tact. Dear God, I hope she doesn’t realize what she just showed me. Ughhhhh, now I don’t know how to feel. On one hand, female woman. On the other hand, I happen to know that it’s Twilight, a purple pony princess.

Decision: Forget I ever saw that. Don’t file it away, don’t recall it later, it didn’t happen. What didn’t happen? It. What’s it? Exactly.

As soon as I felt myself becoming relieved of Twilight’s weight, I stood up, rubbing the back of my head out of pain from the impact with the ground. I finally opened my eyes, praying that I wouldn’t see anything compromising. Thankfully, all I saw was Twilight struggling to stand up. Once she finally got up, she started wobbling on her legs, and wind milled her arms in an attempt to regain balance.

“Woah woah woah!” She yelped in a panic. I quickly rushed to her side, but before I could try to help her, she grabbed onto shoulders and slumped into my chest. I stumbled backwards a bit, but managed to maintain my balance.

“Um S-Sparklez?” I said cautiously. Her arms shook as she pushed herself up into a fully standing position. “You alright?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Twilight said, then chuckled nervously. “Sorry about all of that. These legs are really hard to get the hang of.”

We looked at each other in silence for a moment before I realized that she was still holding onto my shoulders.

“Well…” I said, returning the nervous laughter as I held her hands in mine, took them off of my shoulders, and held them between us. “Let’s get you sitting before we do anything else. Otherwise, one of us is gonna end up with a cracked skull.” She looked at me with confusion.

“From the, uh, the floor.” I added. She nodded in understanding.

“Do you, ah…” I said slowly. “Do you need help getting to the couch?”

“Yes, thank you Hunter.” Twilight said, sighing in relief that she didn’t have to walk to it on her own. I stood at her right side and placed one of her hands on my right shoulder.

I held her on the waist with my left hand, effectively having her lean onto me for balance. It took a little time, and it was embarrassing for both of us, me for the closeness and her for the need to be walked, but we eventually made it to the red couch that completely broke the composition of the room.

…The hell is the matter with me today? Make that three counts of demolition to regain masculinity.

I helped her sit down, then sat down on the far end of the couch as far as I could from Twilight.

“So…” Twilight said, twiddling her thumbs. “Is it accurate?”

“Hm?” I mumbled before I remembered what she meant by that. “Oh, right, well…from what I saw, everything’s, ah…in order.”

“Really!?” Twilight said, brightening up at my opinion. “Phew, that’s a relief! I-I thought that the results may have been altered to heavily from the DNA I tampered with, but I’m so glad that they weren’t! Oh, and what about the clothes? Rarity asked me to ask you.”

“They’re pretty...” I trailed off. “Er, normal! Pretty normal. Yep.” Smooth. Reaaaaaal smooth. “So, ah…is there anything…I don’t know, different about you?”

I swear to god, the look Twilight gave me was more flat than anything Maud could ever hope to match.

“No, really?” She asked with sarcastic deadpan. “I didn’t notice.”

“No, ugh.” I lightly face palmed, thinking about how to phrase this. I need to confirm this. “Besides the hands, fingers, feet, toes, and, ah…teats…is there anything COMPLETELY new to your body?”

“Well…” Twilight thought for a moment, her fist under her chin, her elbow on her knee, and her brows furrowed. “I don’t think so. Why?”

“Nothing!” I said quickly and loudly. Oh, thank God. I really, really don’t want to have to explain to her what the folds between her legs are. I think I would die. Like, actually, physically die if I had to explain vaginas to a purple pony princess.

…I don’t think that thought has ever crossed anybody’s mind in the history of ever. I'm making really weird history here.

“Is that all?” I asked, extremely hopeful that I could get out of here. I need a cold shower as soon as possible.

“Actually, I had one more room to show you before you left.” Twilight said. She started to get up from the couch, but immediately began to wobble on her unsure feet. I jumped up from the couch and she latched onto my shoulder, slumping into my side.

“Eh heh…sorry.” Twilight said, flushed with embarrassment. I just rolled my eyes. You’d think with all the time she’s had working on this spell, she would have learned how to walk with the body.

“How about I help you walk, and you led me to the room.” I suggested.

“That’s probably for the best.” Twilight said. My hand returned to her hips, and we both walked out of the research room and into the hallway. The empty, empty hallw-

“Sparklez, where are all of the furnishings?” I asked sharply. This is starting to bug me.

“Huh?”

“No banners, no chandeliers, not a single potted plant. You live in a castle, Twilight. You can’t just leave it bare boned like this.”

Twilight was oddly quiet for a moment. Did I say something wrong?

“Er, Sparklez?”

Twilight shook her head and blinked rapidly before looking up at me. “Sorry, um…” She looked around a bit before continuing. “Heh…it is pretty empty, isn’t it? I-I guess I just haven’t had any time. You know, what with all the research to be done and my princess duties on top of that.”

My gaze softened at those words. Poor girl was overworked. But…

“Twilight.” I said, using her real name for the sake of seriousness. “You really don’t have to do all of this research.” She opened her mouth to interrupt, but I cut her off.

“Seriously. In all likelihood, I’m the only real human who will ever come to Equestria. Think about it: No one has ever come here before. The chances of another one showing up within the eon is so small that it’s negligible. And be honest with me, what are the chances of me going back to Earth looking like?”

Twilight was quiet for a moment.

“W-Well,” she said timidly. “I’ve looked through the archives of most of the libraries in Equestria, and nothing has come up…b-but I’m sure that-“

“Twilight.”

“I mean, there’s always the possibility that-“

“Twilight!”

She looked down dejectedly. It’s all I needed to see to know her answer. I let out a sigh of acceptance that’s been locked inside of me for the past month and a half.

Really, I’m not missing all that much. I don’t care about the internet, or toasters, or video games. Material things aren’t important in this matter. People are. But the friends that I did have on Earth had been becoming distant anyway, and it’s not like my family wanted to see me after…what had happened.

The only family that I would be missing is long gone, anyway.

“Chin up, Sparklez.” I said softly, slightly squeezing her hip to get her attention. And for no other ulterior motive. Shut it. “It’s okay. Really, it is.”

“No it’s not.” She said sharply, looking up at me with wet eyes. “I-It’s not at all! I’m s-sorry Hunter, I-I’ll keep l-looking, I swear-“

I stopped walking and reached over with my right hand, cupping her right cheek in my hand. My thumb brushed up against her smooth skin, wiping a tear away.

“Don’t. Really, don’t.” I said, smiling at her. “I’ve got nothing waiting for me there. Trust me, just don’t bother searching anymore. Go buy some furniture. Or a rug. Heck, if you get some flowers to spruce the place up I’ll be happy, just do something with the place.”

Twilight chuckled at my nonchalance, which turned into full on laughter. It was so infectious that I came down with the case of the giggles as well. Nothing lightens the mood better than insulting someone’s home! Try it sometime, it’ll work! Its Hunter approved!

We calmed down eventually, and Twilight wiped her eyes of her tears. No longer ones of failure and sadness, but ones of mirth.

“Are you sure about this?” She asked warily.

My thoughts went to my home on Earth. The town I grew up in. The church I attended every Sunday.

The cemetery behind the church.

The gravestone with my last name etched into it.

…Then they went to Pinkie Pie.

“I’m sure.” I said finally. Me and Twilight exchanged smiles for a moment before I looked up at the door I stopped at. “Is this it?”

“Yes, it-“Twilight stopped in the middle of her sentence, her pupils dilating. “Um, you know what, forget it. I think we’re done here. Let’s just go back to the research room, I’ll change back, and we can call it a day, alright?”

My eyes narrowed. What was she trying to hide?

“Sparklez, what’s in this room?” I asked slowly.

“NOTHING!” She yelled. “Erm, absolutely nothing!”

I backed up from the room slowly, turning around and guiding Twilight back to the research room. ]

“I guess you’re right. We don’t need to go in there right now.” I said, shaking my head. Twilight let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh, good, there was nothing in there any w-“

“Oooooor we can go in any way!” I shouted with exuberance. I bent down and picked up Twilight bridal-style, eliciting a squeak from her. I turned on my heel and bolted for the mysterious room.

“Hunter, don’t! Please!”

“Oh, come on Sparklez.” I said as I kicked the door in. “How bad could…it…be…”

The room was painted a light beige. Pressed against the wall was a wooden table with several bottle of various oils and lotions, as well as several towels. And in the center of the room…

…Was a massage table.

Silence reigned for a solid minute.

“…I don’t suppose you could give me a-“Twilight started.

“What’s going to happen now,” I said slowly and evenly. “Is that I’m going to put you down,” I did just that, “I’m going to turn around,” I did just that, “And I’m going to run back home and never mention this to anypony.”

Oh, you better believe I did just that.