Rainbow Dash's new game

by alipopsie

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Cloudkicker, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, DJ P0N-3
Length: 960

Rainbow Dash gets a card game sent to her for her birthday, something called "Cards Against Humanity". She decides to share her present with her closest friends.

Rainbow Dash gets a card game sent to her for her birthday, something called "Cards Against Humanity". She decides to share her present with her closest friends.

Now sit back and enjoy the cards, innuendos and embarrassment that come with one little, black box of paper.

Published 2014-11-18 15:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-18 15:30:04 UTC

The Little, Black Box

Vinyl, Cloudkicker, Fluttershy,Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie and Applejack were all sitting in Rainbow Dash's Ponyville lounge. Vinyl was lying on the floor, listening to her MP3 player. Cloudkicker had brought a cloud inside and was shaping it to Pinkie Pie's many requests. Twilight was reading, Rarity was sketching, Fluttershy was playing with Angel and Applejack was lying on the sofa, rolling an apple between her hooves, lost in thought.

There was a CRASH! then a BANG!, then an "ow!" as Fluttershy jolted up suddenly and hit her head. There was a series of clangs that Pinkie recognized as the sound of several pots and pans falling down, then silence.

A couple of minutes later, Rainbow Dash came out from the kitchen, a plate of pizza in her hoof and a tray of nachos on her head.
"Here, Rainbow!" Twilight said helpfully, levitating the two dishes over to the table.
"Sweet, pizza!" Vinyl said, grabbing a slice with her magic and immediately biting into it. "Mmmm, nice and hot!" She said, tears forming in her eyes.

"So!" Dash said. "I bet you're all wondering why you're here!?"
"No, Silly!" Pinkie sat down by AJ's back hooves, grabbed a slice of pizza, then started to blow on it. "You told us when you came to invite us over!"
"Oh, yeah." Dashie turned a weird shade of purple, which would have been red if she wasn't blue. "I forgot!"

"So," AppleJack said, breaking an awkward silence that had just fallen. "Should we get to the game?"
"Oh, yeah of course!" Rainbow turned back to her usual shade of blue. "Twilight, would you like to read the rules?"
"Oooh! Yes!" Twilight clapped her front hooves and looked around. "Uhhh, where is it?"
"Just there!" Rainbow pointed at a small, black box on the table.
"Oh, umm, okay!?" She levitated the box towards her.

"Cards Against Humanity," Twilight read. "Fun for all the family, except just the older members."
Everyone burst out in laughter as Twilight opened the box and took out a slip of paper, read it, then set it aside.
"Okay," she stated in an appreciative voice. "Very funny. Anyway, the rules are fairly simple Each player draws 10 white cards. One player is the 'Card Czar' for the round, the player to their right will be the next one. The 'Card Czar' selects a black card from the pile and reads it out. Each player will pick one, or in some cases, two or three cards to either fill in the gaps or answer the question."
"Seems simple enough." Stated Cloudkicker.

"So, who'll be the first Czar?" Asked Twilight.
"I think it should be you, darling!" Said Rarity. "You seem to understand the game the best!"
Every pony agreed to this.
"Let the game begin!" Yelled Pinkie.

Twilight dealt 10 white cards to each pony, picked up a black card, read it, then gulped.
"What!?" Dash asked, excited. "What is it!?"
Twilight looked at the table, avoiding eye contact. "Name your best sexual position.

The reaction was instant and predictable. Everyone burst into laughter except Fluttershy, who hid behind her mane. The laughter eventually died down, and everyone shuffled through their cards.

When everypony had selected their cards, Twilight picked them up, shuffled them, and selected one at random.
"Name your best sexual position." She said "Peanut Butter Jelly Time." Everyone giggled
"Three guesses who that one was!" Pinkie squealed.
"You." Every pony said in unison.
"Awwww," she moaned. "Was I really that obvious?"
"Yes!"

"Okay, I'll just say the rest of them!" Twilight said.
"Heads and tails, 69, Grandma's birthday, Celestia's cake, Dash Academy and..." She broke off in giggles
"The winner: 'The violation of our most basic equestrian rights'!" Everyone cracked up this time, including Fluttershy.

"Whose was that?" Twilight asked
Silence fell, then a yellow hoof raised into the air.
"Fluttershy!?!" Dash yelled. "What!?!"
"Well, the rules state the one the Czar finds the funniest is the winner. Fluttershy wins round one!" She passed the black card to Fluttershy.

"So, what next?" Asked Fluttershy.
"Well," said Twilight. "The player to the right of the Czar is the new one, so, Cloudkicker! Your turn!"
Cloudkicker picked up a black card from the top of the pile as the others refilled on cards.

"Well, what is it?" Asked Pinkie.
"What should you never yell during sex?"
Everpony shuffled through their hoof of cards, selecting one they thought would work.

Eventually, Cloudkicker had everypony's cards (Pinkie had taken an eternity to decide) and was as ready as she'd ever be to read out the cards.
"What should you never yell during sex?" She asked. "Tirek, A super soaker™ full of cat pee, Are you a virgin?, Granny Smith's undies, The Elder Swear, GET AWAY YOU RAPIST!, Throwing virgins into a volcano."

"Who won, who won!?!" Screamed Pinkie.
"It was a really tough decision, but I've got one! The winner is: 'Are you a virgin?'!" Cloudkicker replied
"Oooh, yeah! That was mine!" Dash yelled, flying into the air.
"Then that's one point Flutters, one point Dashie!" Said Twilight, floating the card to Dash.

The next Czar was Rarity. Her black card?
"Instead of coal, Santa now gives bad kids ________."

Author's Note

Aaaand, that's the first chapter! Please point out any grammatical errors!

If anyone doesn't know what the elder swear is, it's from Potter Puppet Pals and goes as follows:

Your mother is a beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Lorem ipsum beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Admintum Venium beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Tragula beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep hippopotamus beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep republican beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Daniel Radcliffe beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep with a bucket of beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep in a castle far away where no one can hear you beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep soup beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef with a bucket of beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet Mickey Mouse beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach and a stick of dynamite beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeatch magical beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
ALAKAZAM!