Election Day
By Alaborn
Standard disclaimer: This is a not for profit fan work. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is copyright Hasbro, Inc. I make no claim to any copyrighted material mentioned herein.
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna watched as scores of ponies mingled in the grand hall of Canterlot Castle. In this quadrennial tradition, they had come to hear the official announcement of the results of the parliamentary elections. Reporters stood at ready, and officials scrawled notes on magical scrolls that communicated with nobles and politicians across the realm. It was all a new experience for the lunar princess, as it was her first election since her return.
“Pray tell again, sister, what is the point of this parliament?” Luna asked.
“You ask a question that many of my little ponies ask every four years,” Celestia replied.
“When you first told me of this ‘parliament’, I had to order an aide to bring me a dictionary. And yet I still do not understand it.”
“A grand deliberative body, introduced when I felt the burden of ruling alone. Ponies form into broad political organizations called parties, and each party selects a pony to represent it, should that party earn the support of the ponies in a given region. As an organization, it gives nobles and the wealthy a chance to serve. But it has been hidebound by tradition for many years. Fortunately, that will change.” Princess Celestia smiled enigmatically.
Two unicorn guards raised their trumpets and sounded a fanfare. The crowd quieted, and Princess Celestia stood. “My little ponies. It is time to announce the results of this year’s parliamentary elections. This year, another has graciously offered to rescue me from this burden. Allow me to introduce the new Minister of Elections.”
The silent crowd watched as nothing happened. Starched suits and elegant gowns rustled. One pony coughed; another cleared his throats.
“Guards, perhaps another fanfare,” Celestia suggested.
Again, they raised their horns. This time, the sound was halved, as one guard was unable to work his trumpet. He turned it around and peered into the bell. He fell back onto his haunches when something emerged from it, that something shaping itself into a collection of mismatched parts.
“You do need to clean your spit valve more often,” Discord said, shaking himself off like a dog. “My apologies for my late arrival, Princess. The tubing of a trumpet is deceptively long.”
The room erupted into a cacophony of shouts. Reporters shouted questions. Nobles called for their guards. Young pages fainted away.
“QUIET!” Princess Luna shouted, the Royal Canterlot Voice reverberating off the stone walls. Once some semblance of silence returned, she continued. “Allow us to explain.” Luna then looked to her sister. You better have an explanation.
“As I said, allow me to introduce the new Minister of Elections. Discord has graciously accepted the post.”
“How can you allow this… this spirit of chaos to sully our beloved Parliament?” one haughty stallion shouted.
“Reformed spirit of chaos,” Discord retorted. He turned to Princess Celestia. “Princess, may I explain?”
“Of course, Minister Discord.”
“You see, it simply wasn’t enough for me to reform. It wasn’t enough for me to make dear friends,” Discord said. “Our beloved Princess Celestia wanted me to continue to grow as a pony, and suggested I might do my civic duty and use my powers for good. And when she mentioned that ponies selected leaders by counting muzzles, well, how could I resist?”
“You can’t be allowed to twist the results of our elections!” a tough earth pony yelled.
“Twist the results? You wound me, sir.” Discord pulled a twisted dagger out of his chest; it promptly turned into a canary and flew away. “In fact, I promised to Princess Celestia that I would use this election to show Equestria all the lessons I learned from the Elements of Harmony.”
Discord surveyed the crowd, focusing on the first stallion to challenge him. “Ah, Prince Blueblood. Your House of Platinum has sent a representative to Parliament since its very founding.” He tapped his mismatched appendages together. “But so much has changed since the districts were first drawn. The original land became home to parks, nature reserves, and of course estates for your noble family. There are so few ponies living there now, and almost all of them are tied to your family. A rotten borough if I ever saw one.”
“Rotten? That is an outrage!” Blueblood shouted.
“Oh, don’t take it personally. In fact, I’m sure your district smells very nice. But it is the proper term. Princess Celestia insisted I undertake a course of study on political science before assuming this position.” He snapped his eagle claw, and a map appeared over his head. “And so, to fix it, I shifted the borders of the district some, generously allowing this crowded eastern neighborhood to be represented by a stallion as noble as you.”
An envelope appeared in Discord’s paw. He opened it and read, his eyes tracing from left to right, accompanied by the sound of a typewriter. “Terribly sorry, Prince Blueblood. It appears your party didn’t win your district after all. Better luck in four years.”
Discord then turned to a well-dressed earth pony. “Mister Deputy Mayor! It is a privilege to speak to you! Your efforts at getting out the vote in Fillydelphia have shown the tremendous loyalty of the ponies in your city.” The stallion gulped as Discord reviewed the contents of another envelope. “Why, I see several precincts with 100% turnout! To think, not a single pony was too sick to vote, or on vacation, or working a double shift, or simply more interested in staying in bed.”
The deputy mayor nodded and smiled. “Fillydelphia is the city of sisterly love, after all.”
Discord pulled out another envelope. “I took the liberty of cross-referencing your votes with the ponies who actually stepped into the voting booth today. Mm-hm. Well, this certainly changes things. Perhaps the voters of Fillydelphia are not as loyal as I thought.”
Discord then pointed to two corners of the room. “Miss Cutting Word! Mister Fast Talk! Why are you standing so far apart? You’re both seeking to represent the good ponies of Whinnyapolis. You should be sharing the bonds of friendship!”
The two ponies were surrounded in red bubbles of force and brought to the front of the room. With a pop much like that of bubble gum, they were freed. “A spirited campaign, if I do say so myself. Miss Cutting Word, you said your opponent would release the smooze if elected. Mister Fast Talk, you claimed a vote for your opponent would lead to a changeling invasion. I’m sure those were perfectly honest assessments. So I’ve collected the votes from only those ponies who voted based on your honest statements.” He looked at the paper inside yet another envelope. “Oh, I love, love this. I’m afraid we have a tie. Zero to zero.”
Discord watched the crowd for a reaction. Crickets chirped. “Get it? Zero to zero? Love-love?” He crumpled the results, and then pulled out a tennis racket and sent them flying. “That was some of my best material. In any case, this is one district that’s going to a runoff.”
He pulled out another envelope. “I see there will be a bit more laughter in Parliament this coming term. A new party just won in Ponyville! Congratulations to Pinkie Pie, representing the Party Party. She proves that you can win office by being everypony’s friend. I do expect she will represent her district with all the dignity and aplomb she has brought to Canterlot on many previous occasions.” The castle shook. “Yes, I do believe I just heard her fire her party cannon in celebration.”
“And now, we get to kindness. That element of harmony has always held a special meaning to me, ever since my dear friend Fluttershy first warmed my cold heart.” He looked over the crowd solemnly. “I’m afraid I can’t talk about anypony here. After all, looking for kindness in Parliament is a lot like looking for restraint at a DJ PON-3 concert. So I thought I’d call a very kind voter.”
A telephone appeared in front of Discord. He closed his eyes and smiled. “Sweet Lace Doily was never a civic-minded mare. She rarely voted when she was young. But she proves that you’re never too old to change. Ever since she turned 78, she’s been kindly doing her civic duty every election. And she deserves special notice for taking the time to vote this year, even though she just turned 150 years old.” Discord dialed a number, only to get the harsh three tones and recording indicating a call that can’t be completed. “How curious,” Discord said drolly.
“There’s so much more to talk about. I particularly like the ponies who voted dozens of times because, well, they’re actually changelings. Good to see Chrysalis’ brood doing some honest work.” Discord then tossed more envelopes into the air. “So here are the rest of the results. As for me, I much prefer to watch the results on television.” He jumped into the wall, which formed into a television screen. The image resembled the studio of the Canterlot television news, but instead of the newscasters, it was just Discord eating popcorn.
At the bottom of the screen, one message repeated on the scroll. Support for Parliament reaches record low.
In the grand hall, ponies shouted and bickered. Reporters furiously pounded out stories for the next day’s newspaper. And on screen, watching the crowd, Discord smiled.
“My little ponies,” Princess Celestia called. “I wish to thank you for your attendance. The complete election results are posted outside, and have been transmitted to each city and district office. This special session of court is now closed.” With some encouragement from the guards, the room was soon cleared.
Once alone, Luna’s composure faltered, and she found herself staring, mouth agape, at her older sister. “How could you let Discord do that?” she sputtered.
Celestia flew over and embraced her sister with one wing. “Dear Luna, nothing Discord did today surprised me. In fact, when he proposed his many reforms, I supported him completely.” She smiled. “I did say things would change, did I not?”
“But will not this cause Parliament to turn on us?”
“Luna, here is where a dictionary is insufficient,” Celestia said. “While our parliament may share a name with other deliberative bodies, I have never changed the form of government in Equestria from an absolute monarchy. Thus, at all times, I give Parliament the respect it has earned, and rely on its judgment in accordance with the quality of its deliberations.”
Luna laughed. “I am reminded of an ancient phrase. I believe it goes thusly: ‘It is good to be the Princess.’”
Celestia smiled. “Indeed it is.”
Author's Note
It is Election Day in the USA. And since I don't want to watch election returns nonstop, I decided to write about Election Day in Equestria.
The problems in Equestria are not based on any particular form of representative government or any particular party. It's based on all of them.
