Postal FiM

by Awesomedude17

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Main 6, Tirek, Princess Luna, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Sex, Discord, Gore, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 3653

Gary Coleman releases Tirek from his prison in Tartarus and the two are now joined together to take down both the Elements, and another person. Said person came to Equestria after a piss gone bad.

Tirek was sealed away, his attempts to steal all the magic in Equestria has failed. Everything has been ruined...

Until a short being came to him, telling him of a plan for revenge against a single person, the one who ruined his life.

That person is also somehow in Equestria after a piss goes wrong, somehow.

Cover Art by Sanyo2100, check him out.

Published 2014-11-06 22:30:12 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-12 02:21:27 UTC

Whachu Talkin' 'Bout, Asshole? I Want Revenge. (Prequel)

Tirek once again tried to tear the chains that binded him to his prison. He growled in anger. His plans to take over Equestria, and steal it's magic, ruined by a purple alicorn, and her so-called friends.

He snarled. Oh how he hated this place. If only he had been better prepared, he would've won for good.

And Discord. Discord, most of all, will pay for what he had done.

He was so enraptured in rage that he didn't notice that someone was watching him throw a tantrum at this renewed imprisonment.

"What the hell?"

"Who goes there?!" Tirek yelled out, looking around.

"Over here, asshole!"

Tirek turned to see a short, brown skinned biped, wearing a white, bloodstained suit.

"...And what are you supposed to be?"

"Name's Gary Coleman." Coleman answered, not impressed at the shriveled monkey-centaur.

"Do you know who I am?"

"You look like a monkey fucked a horse."

"If I wasn't in chains, I'd kill you, exotic creature!"

"Yeah yeah, the hell you do to get into Hell?"

"You mean Tartarus..."

"Whatever you say..."

"As for why I am here... I was trapped here, by a group of ponies, who managed to use a form of magic that even I could not have used." Tirek looked at Gary, who just shook his head.

"I got disintegrated by a huge-ass explosion."

"At least you died with dignity." Tirek snarked.

"Ehh..."

"Come on, little one! Let Krotchy give you a bad touch."

"I ain't a boy, you bitch!"

"... Yeeeeeaah, let's go with that."

Tirek scoffed.

"And I suppose you want a companion now?"

"Whachu ralkin' 'bout, asshole? I want revenge." Gary replied.

"Hmm?"

"This guy, when he came to my life, it went straight to Hell. I nearly got killed when he tried to steal one of my books, then the police comes to arrest my ass, then I got stuck in a cell with a guy in costume of a dick, then I get stuck in a firefight in the middle of the Apocalypse, then cats nearly castrate me, then more shit... I! Am! Done! This guy is gonna pay, an' ya know what? Yo ass also wants revenge, so we have something in common!"

"Hmm..." Tirek put a hand to this chin, and began to grin."

"Tell me, who is this man who ruined your life so?"

"I dunno his name, but he did say he was a fan... Like I care for that asshole!"

PARADISE LOST!!!
Paradise, AZ nuked into oblivion!
Government officially blames Al Qaeda for terrible incident.
Details on pg. 3

"Well, at least B****** Interactive is blown to shit. I wonder if Vince is okay with this."

A redhead man with a goatee read the paper as he filled up his car and trailer with gas.

He had well-worn boots, an alienware shirt, sunglasses, and more prominently, a trench coat.

He shrugged as he looked at the gas counter go *ting* and stop.

"Good thing P***** H****** had a lot of cash to spare." The man said as he went to the woman at the station.

"Is that all sir?"

"Yes."

"That'll be, forty-five bucks." She said with a broken emphasis on the price.

"Sounds reasonable." The man said as he handed the cash.

"Thanks, have a nice day."

The man nodded as he put away the nozzle and got in the car.

"Ready to go, Champ?"

"Woof!" Champ barked.

"Good. Let's get the fuck out of here." The man said as he drove off.

"So, we have a plan?" Tirek asked.

"Yeah, I got my rifle, and this asshole's gonna die." Gary said as he hopped onto Tirek.

"This is so humiliating." Tirek mumbled under his breath as he went into a charging motion, catching the attention of Cerberus.

"Get yo willies right here!" Gary said as he fired his Machine Gun at the triple-headed dog, which shied away as the two literally escaped Hell.

"Hell yeah!"

"Impressive weapon, if loud." Tirek smiled.

"Yeah, that thing ain't following us."

"Yes, and I need you to do a few things for me before we go after your nemesis."

"Like what?"

"Well..."

"Alrighty boy-o, why doncha git on out off the car there, why doncha?" A redneck said to the man.

"Fuck..." He said as he got out of the car, surrounded by six rednecks.

"Now... heh... drop 'em!"

And then Champ proceeded to chomp on one of the redneck's balls, causing him to squeal in pain as Champ pulls away a bloodied, semen-stained mess.

The man smacked one of the redneck's head off with a shovel.

"Not today, hick." The man took out a pistol, and shot the groinless redneck dead.

"Git him!" The rednecks whooped and cheered as they brought up shotguns and shovels to fight off the man.

"Sock it to me, baby."

The plan was simple, get the six ponies who sealed Tirek in the same place, and then hold them hostage at gunpoint.

He acted surprised for the sake of the plan, or... not acted, but the locals led him to the castle where the so-called 'Friendship Court' was.

And with one more deep breath, he kicked open the doors, surprising the six mares and dragon inside.

"What the..."

"All y'all are being kidnapped!" Gary fired his gun a few times at the ground between the seven. "Come with me unless ya want yo funeral to be closed casket."

Twilight instinctively teleported the others away.

Gary just stood there.

"Son of a bitch!"

The man had finished killing the rednecks, one was burning alive, and another had his head crushed.

He decided to put the man out with the only thing he had.

*ZIP ZIP*

"OOOOOOOOOOOH YEAH!!!"

Luna burst into the throne room.

"Sister, we have terrible news!"

"What is it?" Celestia asked.

"It's Tirek, he's escaped again!"

"What! How?"

"On his back, there was a brown creature, wearing white, and using a loud object. I checked Cerberus, it had injuries unlike anything I've ever seen!"

"What is this creature you speak of, Luna?"

"I do not know, but Tirek called it 'Gary Coleman.'" Luna wondered what sort of name it was.

"I know not of this Coleman, but if Tirek escaped..."

"That's only part of it, they also assaulted the former bearers of the Elements."

"What, how?" Celestia asked with worry.

"Gary did it. He had not anticipated the elements teleporting away."

Celestia flared her nostrils and gave an angry look.

"We need to find Tirek and Gary Coleman before they bring Equestria to ruin."

"But how?"

"We summon Discord."

"What?!"

Celestia began to focus her magic, ready to teleport Discord over to the throne room.

But Derpy then came through a window and grazed Celestia's horn breaking her concentration, and bringing a completely different creature.

The man was urinating on nothing. When he found himself in the throne room, he looked around, still urinating, and saw three mares, one of which had rolling eyes and a head lump. His piss trickled down until he stopped, and then he zipped up his pants.

He looked at the two large mares, and sighed.

"Shit." The Postal Dude said, clearly more annoyed then shocked.

Author's Note

If you ever played Postal 2, then you'd know about all the crap Gary Coleman had to deal with in the game, first attacked by The Dude, or arrested by the police, then stuck in a cell with Krotchy, then hospitaized during the Apocalypse, then stuck in another Apocalypse, then been near Ground Zero of a nuke. I know he's alive in Paradise Lost, but I consider this an unofficial midquel to Postal 2 and Paradise Lost.

Basically, Gary Coleman died and now wants to fuck up The Dude, so he teams up with Tirek.

Serious? Meh, it's Postal, the only one that was serious was the first one, and no one ever talks about that...

In all, this is a short fanfic about someone wanting revenge, another wanting a different type of revenge, and accidental magic.

Fuck yes, this is weird.

What Fucking Moron Designed This?

The Dude noticed how the two horses were A. colorful and B. scared shitless at him.

Celestia, however, regained her composure, and spoke.

"My apologies, but... who are you, creature?"

Of, fucking course. The Dude thought.

"Just call me by my last name, The Dude. Where the fuck am I?"

Foul mouth on this one. Celestia thought to herself. "Equestria, Mr. The Dude. Welcome."

"Whatever." The Dude looked around, and saw a grey pony pull her head out of a pillar.

"Owwie... Princess Luna, I have a package for you!" The pony spoke.

Luna took the package, and opened it.

"A muffin. How nice." Luna said to the pegasus.

She squeed.

The Dude sighed and facepalmed.

"You got to be fucking kidding me."

"Mr. The Dude, language!" Celestia reprimanded The Dude.

"I don't give a shit." The Dude replied.

Oh, I see what this thing is like now... This will be fun.

"How did you fail!?" Tirek yelled out in frustration.

"I dunno! How'd you fail to tell me that they can teleport?" A pissed off Gary Coleman replied.

"Of course one of them can teleport herself and the others, she's a powerful alicorn!"

"Uh, I'm not even from this world, dumbass!"

"...Very well. I suppose I am at least partially to blame here. If only we had a way to distract the populace at large so that in the panic, we can..."

"Hold on, I got three things we can do for that thing you're thinking of."

"Oh really? What are those things then?"

"First off, we got my crew. They should be alive."

"Hmmm..."

"And that's how Al Qaeda nuked Paradise."

"I am sorry for your loss, Mr. The Dude." Celestia said with a hint of empathy.

"Someone has to be." The Dude replied.

Celestia raised an eyebrow in confusion, but before she could press the human, Twilight came bursting in.

"Celestia, Celestia, there was a... AAAAAAHHH!!!" Twilight tried to blast The Dude, but he then proceeded to show reflexes that rivaled the best martial artists in Equestria to smack the horn, and stun Twilight.

"Call your tits purple pony, I'm here by accident. The Princess here was just figuring out how I would go back home."

"Ahem, yes Twilight. He means no harm. It was very brash of you to attack him."

"I'm sorry Celestia, but when I saw another one of, whatever that thing is, I assumed the worst."

"Hold on, another human? Shit, that's weird."

"Wait, who are you?"

"Last name, Dude."

"...Really?"

"Yep."

"...Who names their kid Dude?"

"My fucking father... oh, I almost forgot. Note to self, whenever I visit Dad, watch out for rednecks."

"What?"

"Don't ask."

"...Alright then... Is that a book?"

"Yes, but I plan on selling this limited edition book for a lot of money."

"Why?"

"Gary Coleman's dead, isn't he?" The Dude then noticed Celestia's shocked face. "What?"

"Did you say, Gary Coleman?"

"He's here? Huh, I wonder if I can get his autograph again."

"Wait, the human who just attack me and my friends is a celebrity from your world?"

"... Better not post this conversation on MySpace, I need the cash."

Everypony was silent for the longest time.

"Oh wait a minute, he was at Ground Zero at PAradise, wasn't he?"

"So wait, Al Qaeda was the group that made Gary Coleman free Tirek and try to take over Equestria?" Celestia questioned further.

"WHAT!!!"

"Shit, I guess it's up to me to fix everyone's mistakes, again. God, it's just like Vince's Fourth of Ja-Luau celebration last year. Damn, that was a disaster."

"Wait, what happened at the Fourth of Ja-Luau celebration last year?" Derpy said as she peeked around the corner.

"It involved toothpaste, a jail cell, and burning pigs running everywhere while Mike J. was pissing his pants the whole time through. You don't want to know."

"Regardless, you seem to be willing to help us out, Mr. The Dude, and we thank you. You will go with Princess Twilight Sparkle to go find this Gary Coleman and Tirek and bring them to justice." Celestia said in a stern tone.

"Sounds like a plan." And with that, The Postal Dude and Twilight Sparkle went off to find the dastardly duo.

"You got donuts?" The Dude asked.

"Why do ask?" Twilight replied.

"I'm hungry."

Twilight deadpanned, and led The Dude to Pony Joe's donut shop.

"And if these men fail?" Tirek asked.

"We send the zombies."

"Good."

"Alright Gary, let's fuck up these horses!" One the men in Coleman's crew cheered as the other ran off with the other members.

Author's Note

The game was released in 2003, so MySpace was the thing at the time.

Fuck Me, You Better Get Home.

"So, Mr. Dude, we got your donuts. Now how about I lead you to my friends? The ponies you're supposed to help right now."

"Sure, why not. The sooner I kill Gary, the sooner I can go home." The Dude replied.

"Great follow me."

The Dude nodded, ready to take out a shotgun in case he needed to.

After a few minutes of uneventful walking, the duo made it to a hotel of some sort.

"Why so fancy?"

"We really do not want to reveal Gary and his, ahem, friend yet."

"Huh... neat." The Dude replied dully.

The two then entered the building, where a stallion perked up.

"Oh, hello Princess. Is this a new guest?"

"Well, kinda. I need to show him to the others right now."

"Very well, go right ahead."

"Thank you."

"Thanks." The Dude said, faking sincerity well.

As the two walked throughout the hotel, they eventually found the room they were looking for, and stopped outside.

"Now, please be nice. They're kinda jumpy right now."

"No promises, I reserve the right to kick ass if they kick mine first."

Twilight sighed and opened the door.

"Hey girls, I just found somepony who'll help us with that other creature that attacked us."

"Really now? Send him in, Twi!" Applejack called out.

The Dude calmly walked in, ignored the shocked looks on the five mare's faces, and looked in the mini-fridge.

"What, no beer? This sucks."

"Twilight, what is that doing here?" Rainbow Dash yelled out.

"That thing, is a human, and he's going to stop that other human that attacked us."

"Yeah, I'll kill Gary Coleman, unless you want him alive, then I'll do it, with a broken leg if I'm lucky." The Dude said as he sat down on the couch.

Many of the ponies cringed.

"Maybe without injury, if possible." Twilight said.

"Why do you think I said 'if I'm lucky?'"

"Are all of you..."

"Humans." The Dude answered Rarity.

"Humans, this violent?"

"Not all of them, but a good deal are actually pretty psychotic."

"Twi, y'all ain't serious, ain't ya?" Applejack asked.

"He's the only expert on the short, brown skinned human."

"Out of context, that'd be racist." The Dude said.

"..."

The Dude shrugged.

Luna flew in the night sky, searching for any sign of Gary Coleman and Tirek, when she noticed a group of humans, carrying the same weapons that Coleman had, walking towards Manehattan.

With haste, she teleported to the room where the former Elements were at.

"I had discovered a group of humans heading towards Manehattan, armed with the same weapons that you described to us."

"Oh no!" Pinkie Pie spoke out.

The Postal Dude sighed, and got up.

"Send me there now so I can get this over with." He said with resignation.

"Oh, Mr. The Dude, you're..."

"What did I say?"

"Oh, but why?"

"Just do it before I kick your teeth in."

Luna reared back, and with an angry look, teleported The Dude to the outskirts to Manehattan.

"Do you think that was wise, Princess?" Rarity asked.

"I trust that it will."

The Dude appeared with a flash right in front of Coleman's Crew, who then pointed their weapons at The Dude.

"Fuck!"

Author's Note

Paradise Lost is available on Steam for $7.99. Postal 2 required.

In Which a Zombie Apocalypse is Annoying, Not Scary.

"You what?" Celestia asked Luna.

"He told us to send him to Manehatten."

"Without backup?" Celestia clarified.

Luna's ears drooped.

"Maybe we had a... lapse in judgement."

"Yeah. Maybe." Celestia looked towards Twilight.

"We have to aid him, now."

"Yes!"

Celestia performed a teleportation spell and proclaimed...

"Mr. The Dude, we have arrived to aid you!"

"Took you long enough."

Celestia and Twilight looked in confusion, and then horror at what they saw what he had done.

Most of the humans were dead, with most of them being typical gunshot wounds. Some had missing limbs, and even exploded heads.

And a few of the still living ones were barely alive, clearly bleeding out. Even if they had taken them to the hospital immediately, the lack of familiarity to humans would've meant that they were as good a dead.

And to rub salt in the wounds, The Dude was clearly urinating on a headless, sitting up one, using the neck hole as a urinal.

Twilight promptly passed out.

"You did this yourself?!"

"...Yeah." The Postal Dude shrugged, finishing up his piss.

"How?"

"Eh, tougher odds have happened. I've been through three apocalypses."

"Apocalypses?"

"Don't ask."

Celestia shook her head.

"I'll send some local guards to clean up the bodies and dispose of them... most likely by cremation."

"Who're you gonna send the ashes to?"

"...Fair point." Celestia teleported The Postal Dude and Twilight to Canterlot, while she flew over to the Royal Guard station to set up the clean-up crew.

The Postal Dude opened the door to the hotel room the other mares were at, carrying Twilight over his shoulder, right before plopping her onto the couch.

"Um... What happened to her?" Fluttershy asked, pointing at Twilight.

"Work-related incident." The Dude shrugged, going to a bedroom to sleep off the weight of the day.

Tirek resisted the urge to strangle Gary Coleman for his crew's failure. Once the new caught wind of a mysterious pony who killed a group of monsters, he knew something was messing up his plans.

"This is all your fault!" Tirek screamed.

"My fault, I though fo' sho' that those pony bitches won't be so hard."

"But it was but one pony, here!" Tirek shoved a paper into Gary's face, and that's when he noticed something.

"Wait a minute! Look here!"

Tirek looked over to see that the picture had a photo of a tall, slender man and a pitbull terrier.

"It's that fucker I told ya about! He's here!"

"If he is here, then how are we-"

"Send out the zombies! He can't handle all of them at once!"

Tirek looked thoughtful, and grinned. The two began to laugh evilly and Tirek summoned a large group of zombies to attack the nearest settlement.

"Mwhahahaha! AHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!"

"Your laugh is annoying me."

"You bitch!"

The Postal Dude woke up, feeling the most refreshed he ever has been.

He yawned and stretched his arms, and quickly noticed the looked of Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

"Yer awake?" Applejack asked.

"I am now. What is it?"

"Oh nothing, just the fact that Ponyville is being evacuated right now thanks to a bunch of foul-mouthed humans that smell like they're rotting."

"Oh shit, Mad Cow Tourettes Zombies."

"You know of 'em?"

"Yeah. Let me get a bite to eat, then I'll fix your dumbass problem."

The two ponies glared at The Dude, right before letting him have his privacy.

"What a weekend. After destroying The Bitch and making Champ better, I end up in a world full of colorful ponies, where I find out that Gary Coleman's evil, again. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother."

And then he thought about it.

"But then again, I never seem to catch a break. Guess I have to fix this mess."

The Dude soon finished his morning routine and appeared before the six mares in the hotel room.

"So, guess I'm going to this Ponyville." The Dude groaned internally.

"Depends on if ya can fix the massive outbreak there."

"Well, I suppose I've got nothing better to do." The Postal Dude was soon approached by Twilight Sparkle.

"What's happened last night?"

"You were out cold, something about a work related injury."

"Oh, right."

"Sooooo... Take me to Ponyville to fix up an issue there."

Twilight sighed.

"Sure, why not. You ready for sure?"

"Yes."

"Before you go..." Princess Celestia spoke, walking into the room. "I would like to give you some form of aid, so I tracked you signature to a remote location on your plane, and brought them here."

"So The Dude's friends are here!" Pinkie grinned.

"Not exactly."

Suddenly, a bunch of monkeys came in, with cigarettes in their mouths and exposed brains, with sticks poking out of them.

"Oo ee oo ah ah!"

"Oo ee oo ah ah!"

"Oo ee oo ah ah!"

"Oo ee oo ah ah!"

"I am a monkey, feed me banana."

"There's something about evolution in this." The Dude snarked.

"Oh, these poor monkeys." Fluttershy flyed over to one of the monkeys.

"Do not worry, my fair maiden. The oppressors have already been killed, and we have not lost any brothers, thanks to the simian sympathiser. All hail the simian sympathiser."

"Hail."

"They look up to you, so naturally, they were the ones willing to help you the most." Celestia explained.

"Sure, why not. Send me and the monkeys over to Ponyville now."

"As you wish." Celestia used her magic to teleport The Dude and his simian army to Ponyville.

"Celestia."

"Yes Twilight?"

"I need a freaking drink after all of this nonsense."

Celestia sighed.

"I'm buying."