The Secret Lives of Books

by derpyland

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 3762

Twilight Sparkle goes to a bookstore, determined to buy books – until Discord tells her that the books have led a more adventurous life than she has. Twilight demands that he prove it – and he does.

Twilight finally made some time in her busy schedule to go book shopping. Everything is perfect, and she is as happy as can be – until Discord shows up. He tells her that she’s wasting her time looking for books to read, and claims that even books lead more exciting lives than she does.

Twilight finds all of this rather difficult to believe – that is, until she finds out about the secret lives of books…

Published 2014-11-06 03:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-06 03:00:03 UTC

Shopping For An Adventure

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The bright morning sun was burning off the few wisps of fog that lingered from the night before, and the sky above was clear and bright. A few stray clouds dotted the heavens, but the weather ponies hadn’t scheduled any rain until later that week. It was a perfect morning to be up and around the town – and that’s precisely what Twilight Sparkle had in mind.

Twilight had been planning this trip for more than a week. In fact, she had spent two hours rearranging her schedule just so she could have that particular morning off. The mayor wasn’t pleased that Twilight was going to miss that month’s zoning board meeting, but she soon discovered that she had no actual legal authority over the Princess of Friendship. Twilight simply told her that she had something far more important to do that morning, and that was the end of that.

The truth was Twilight really did have something more important to do – something she had put off for far too long. For weeks Twilight had been thwarted by one emergency after another. Today, though, that would come to an end. No matter what happened, Twilight was going on a mission that was very dear to her heart, and she was bound and determined that no one would stop her. Regardless of the danger, today was the day she would find some new books to read!

There were few things in life that excited her more than shopping for books. True, she had an entire library of books – books that she had read, and loved, and even loaned to her friends. Her entire life had been full of books since she was a filly. But no matter how many books she read, there was still nothing like the excitement of finding a new book to read. After all, new books were simply brimming with promise and possibilities! What goodness lurked in their pages? What startling new facts did they have to teach her? What new horizons would they open?

Twilight was a familiar face at the local Ponyville bookstore. She had spent countless bits there buying book after book, and was one of the store’s best customers. Lately, though, she hadn’t been able to visit quite as often. Being a princess – with a castle, no less! – took up quite a lot of her time. There was just so much to do!

But today she was going to get her priorities straight. Today she was going to expand her collection! There was still so much to learn…

All of these thoughts crossed Twilight’s mind as she trotted through Ponyville and made her way to the local bookstore. Inside Twilight’s saddlebag was a list of books that she wanted to purchase. Some of them were fairly common, but a few were quite rare. If the local bookpony didn’t have the volumes she was looking for, she might have to search for them in other cities – and that thought thrilled her even more. A quest for lost books! Does life get more exciting than that?

As she made her way through the city, some of the local residents called out a friendly “hello” to her. Twilight smiled at them and waved, but instead of engaging them in conversation she hurried on toward the bookstore. I just don’t have time to talk to anypony today. Stay focused, Twilight! You have books to acquire.

When Twilight finally reached the bookstore she was pleased to see that it was open. The pony was even more pleased to see that the store had positioned several bookshelves outside – and they were full of old books!

What a clever idea! Twilight thought. Since the weather’s so perfect, there’s no chance that the books will get ruined by rain. That one cloud that’s over the bookstore isn’t going to do any harm. Besides, the sight of all these amazing books will surely tempt the ponies who happen to walk by! After all, who could possibly pass up a perfectly good book?

Of course, the truth was that many ponies could pass up a good book – and most of them would do exactly that. But Twilight was enraptured by the aging texts. With great joy she carefully scanned the titles on the nearest bookshelf. Without realizing it she began talking to herself. “Hmmm. I see History of Appleloosa. Could be interesting, but not what I’m looking for. The Mayors of Manehattan – nope, I’ll pass. Airship Design for Earth Ponies – nope, got that one. Ponies of the Badlands – now that sounds promising!”

Twilight used her magic to levitate the book off the shelf, and began browsing through it. “This looks fascinating!” she said aloud.

“Oh?” a familiar voice said behind her. “And just what is it that you find so fascinating?”

Twilight turned around and saw that Discord was standing directly behind her. The moment she saw him her heart sank. Oh please, Discord, not today, she thought to herself. Can’t you see I’m busy?

Discord craned his long, serpentlike neck over her shoulder. “Looking for books, are we? On a beautiful morning like this? It’s such a waste of a perfectly lovely day. Whatever were you thinking, Twilight?”

“This is the perfect morning to go book shopping,” Twilight replied. “The real question is, what brings you here? Don’t you have better things to do than pester me?”

Discord took a step back and put his right paw over his heart. A single exaggerated tear dripped from his right eye. He sniffed and wiped it away. “Why Twilight, what a terrible thing to say! I am hurt – I truly am. Why wouldn’t I want to spend some time with my friends? After all, you do that all the time. Is that such a terrible crime?”

“Really?” Twilight asked. “You just want to hang out with me? But why me, Discord? Why not Fluttershy?”

“Oh, you know Fluttershy! She’s off doing things this morning. But what’s the matter? Don’t you want to spend some time with me? Why, I thought we were friends!”

“Have you forgotten what you did last time?” Twilight demanded, frowning. “There I was, about to spend a wonderful day with Cadence, when you suddenly barged in and claimed to be sick and demanded that we cure you! Then, after we were nearly killed by that monster, we found out that you were faking the entire time! So forgive me if I’m a little suspicious of your motives. I’ve never heard of you wanting to just hang around before. Not with me, anyway. It’s a little… unusual.”

“You never saved me from Tirek before, either. Has it ever crossed your little pony mind that I might be grateful? After all, if it wasn’t for you I might not even be alive right now.”

Discord pouted. “Really, Twilight. What do you take me for? You seem to think that all I want to do is cause trouble. Is it really that hard to give me another chance?”

Twilight sighed. “Ok, fine. In fact, maybe you could help! I’m looking for some books on the lands outside Equestria. I want to learn everything I can about our neighbors.”

“Is that so?” Discord asked. “And why, pray tell, do you have this sudden interest in the wilds? Could it be that you are finally going to go on an adventure?”

“What do you mean, ‘finally’? I’ve been on lots of adventures!”

“I’m afraid not,” Discord replied, shaking his head. “What you mean to say is that a lot of adventures have happened to you. As a matter of fact, you have never once gone on an adventure. You are one of the most boring ponies I know.”

“That’s not true!” Twilight protested. “What about the time I saved the Crystal Empire from Sombra?”

“Excellent question. Tell me, Twilight: did you read about the Crystal Empire and then decide to go there on your own, or did you go there because Celestia sent you there?”

“Celestia sent me there as part of a test. But it was still an adventure!”

“But it wasn’t an adventure that you chose,” Discord pointed out. “Instead, the adventure chose you. That’s not at all the same thing.”

Twilight frowned. “What about the time my friends and I evicted that sleeping dragon from its mountain lair?”

“Celestia sent you to do that, too,” Discord replied.

“What about that time I went to Appleloosa to plant that tree?”

Discord yawned. “You were just accompanying Applejack. And planting a tree is hardly much of an adventure.”

“I know!” Twilight said excitedly. “I went on the running of the leaves!”

“How positively thrilling,” Discord said sourly. “As I recall, you galloped through a forest with a bunch of other ponies and managed to finish in fifth place. Why, that has ‘epic story’ written all over it! Quick – contact a publisher! Get a ghost writer! We’ve got a blockbuster to get into print!”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Ok, ok, so maybe it wasn’t that thrilling. But I’ll have you know I lead a very exciting life. I’m always getting mixed up in one problem or another. In fact, my life is so full of events that–”

“That is exactly your problem. You said it yourself – you keep getting ‘mixed up’ in things. The only reason you have any excitement at all in your drab little life is because things happen to you. Tell me something, little miss know-it-all. If Nightmare Moon had not returned, where would you be today?”

Twilight stopped to think. “Well, in that case there probably wouldn’t have been any need for me to go to Ponyville. So I’d probably still be in Canterlot continuing my studies under Celestia.”

“Exactly! The only reason you have any friends at all is because Celestia forced you to stop reading books and go talk to some flesh-and-blood ponies. The only reason you’ve had any excitement is because Nightmare Night happened to you. Why, if it were up to you, you would have spent the rest of your life reading books in a study somewhere! You wouldn’t be a princess – you’d be a bookworm. Do you realize that the books on that shelf over there have led a more exciting life than you?”

“What?” Twilight exclaimed. “But Discord, they’re just books! They haven’t actually done anything. They just sit there until you read them!”

Discord shook his head. “How little you know! Here, let me show you what I mean.”

Discord plucked a book off the shelf with his talon and looked at it critically. “See this copy of 99 Ways To Cook Apples? This used to belong to the cook on board the legendary pirate ship The Black Mare. This very volume sailed under a pirate flag for seven years! Oh, the stories it could tell.”

“That’s ridiculous! It’s a cookbook, for crying out loud. How could you possibly know its history?”

“Why, because I can see into the past, of course,” Discord replied. “Here – perhaps you’d like a little demonstration.”

Discord snapped his fingers. In the middle of the town square a floating window appeared, framed by a blue magical border. The appearance of the window startled the ponies who were loitering in the square, and they turned to stare at it. What they saw inside fascinated them. A few of them began to laugh.

When Twilight moved toward the window and looked inside it she was startled to see herself! There she was, lying in bed on her back, snoring. Her mouth was open and a little bit of drool was running down her right cheek. Her mane was an absolute mess. Perched on top of her head was a book entitled Grooming: A Practical Handbook. She remembered now - she had fallen asleep reading it.

Discord materialized a pointing stick out of thin air and gestured at the window through time. “This is you, Miss Sparkle, a week ago Tuesday. That evening you were–”

Twilight blushed. She quickly fired a bolt of purple light at the time window that Discord had opened. To the great disappointment of the ponies in the square, the window shattered and vanished. “And I think that’s quite enough of that.”

Discord smiled. “As you can see, I am indeed able to view the past. My point is that this book I have in my talon went on a real adventure. The pirates who sailed on board The Black Mane did not bounce from crisis to crisis, waiting for Celestia to give them orders; instead they sailed the high seas in search of adventure and plunder! And this little book here went along.”

The prince of chaos put the book back on the shelf and removed an old, tattered book entitled The Care and Feeding of Parasprites. “Do you see this volume? I’ll have you know that it actually stopped a war. In fact, you owe this book your very existence.”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Twilight replied.

“Oh ye of little faith! A hundred years ago the prime minister of Saddle Arabia was galloping through the desert when his party was savagely attacked by a band of enemy agents. He managed to escape with his life, but not before one of them shot him with an arrow. Fortunately for him, he had this volume tucked away in his saddle bag, and the arrow embedded itself into this book instead of into his flank. If the assassins had killed him that day it would have meant war – a war which would have consumed the entire world and changed the future of Equestria forever.

“Incidentally, that’s why this volume is bound in a green hardback binding. This is a first edition, and as any book expert can tell you all first editions of this title were bound in red. The reason the binding is wrong is because the prime minister had the damaged cover removed and rebound in the green of his native country. He kept this book for the rest of his life and passed it down to his daughter – who gave it to a friend, who then sold it to the bookkeeper who works here.”

Twilight looked at that book with a newfound respect. “I had no idea. That’s remarkable! But Discord, the book itself didn’t do anything. It just kind of sat there while things happened to it.”

Discord rolled his eyes at her. “Seriously? You do realize these are books, right? What – did you think that books have little arms and legs, and run around the world looking for lost treasure? Really, Twilight, I thought you were smarter than that.”

“But–”

“Perhaps you were expecting something more like this,” Discord said, as he snapped two of his talons together. A moment later the little green book sprouted arms and legs, and a face appeared on the front cover.

“I’m off to have an adventure!” the book shouted, in a squeaky little voice. “Don’t wait up for me, Twilight!” It then jumped out of Discord’s grasp and ran across the square and out of sight.

“Discord!” Twilight shouted. “Put that book back this instant!”

Discord shrugged. “It’s only a book, Twilight. I’m sure it will be fine. The point is that the books owners led fabulous, exciting lives. The cook on The Black Mare was looking for adventure, and he found it. The prime minister of Saddle Arabia led a life of high adventure. For that matter, Daring Do leads a life of high adventure. But you – all you do is read about adventure.”

He ran a talon over the spines of the books that were still on the shelves. “I could go on all day. This book taught two young earth ponies how to build an airship that could reach the skies. Unlike a certain purple pony that I know, they weren’t content to just sit around and wait for life to happen. Instead they took their lives into their own hooves and did something. Thanks to that book, they were able to take to the skies and literally make some friends in high places. Need I go on?”

Twilight looked at the books thoughtfully. “I lead an adventurous, full life, Discord. Really, I do. In fact, I have one of the most eventful lives of anypony in Equestria.”

Discord shook his head. “Only because things happen to you. You have never once set out to actually make something happen. Instead you find yourself forced to react to situations that you had nothing to do with. Don’t you see? You are the opposite of Daring Do! She spends her life traveling to the far corners of the world in search of legendary treasures. She’s not content to just sit and read about other ponies. She doesn’t react. Unlike you, she is an agent of change.

“What is truly hilarious about all this is that Daring Do has no magical abilities. She manages to recover priceless artifacts even though she’s nothing more than a simple pegasus! You, on the other hoof, have both wings and magical powers. You even have alicorn magic! You are one of the most powerful beings in Equestria. Do you have any idea what Daring Do could accomplish if she had your raw power?

“And yet, instead of actually going out and having adventures of your own, you are content to sit at home and read about them. Really! It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. One of the most powerful creatures in the world spends her time reading about other ponies doing things instead of going out and doing them herself. You have got to be the most boring and dull pony in all of Equestria.”

“That’s not fair!” Twilight said. “The whole reason I came here this morning was to look for books about neighboring countries. As the Princess of Friendship, I wanted to learn about our neighbors. You never know what might come up.”

Discord sighed. “That is exactly my point. You have no intention of going anywhere! Your plan is to wait around and see what happens. You are perfectly capable of actually going to those places, but instead you would rather sit at home and read about them. You are perfectly capable of actually finding lost treasure yourself, but instead you would rather sit at home and read Daring Do books. It’s a terrible waste. Don’t you see? Why do you read about things when you can actually have the real thing instead? You’re so caught up in words on a page that you’ve forgotten there’s a real world out there!”

When Twilight hesitated, Discord pressed on. “Instead of reading about other pony’s adventures you should go have one yourself. Go find the Lost Shoe of El Fatso or something. Go! Try doing something for a change, instead of just reacting to whatever other ponies are telling you to do.”

Discord mimicked Celestia’s voice. “’You really need to stop reading all those dusty old books.’”

Twilight looked at him in amazement. Was he trying to be… helpful? “I don’t get it, Discord. Why are you doing this? It isn’t like you.”

“On the contrary! I am Discord, you know. Some call me an agent of chaos, but I prefer to think of myself as an agent of fun and excitement. I add flair and unpredictability to your drab little pony lives. Your life, Twilight, is just full of drabness. The only reason you’ve had any excitement in your life at all is because I blessed you as a filly.”

Twilight blinked. “You did what?’

Discord nodded sagely. “A week after you were born, your father laid you in a crib. When he left the room I hovered over you and gave you the magical blessing of An Eventful Life. Thanks to my gift that fateful day, your life has been a swirling vortex of events that led you from event to event. It’s the only thing that’s saved you from a life of complete boredom.”

Twilight snorted. “Discord, you were trapped in stone when I was born. You couldn’t possibly have been there.”

“Maybe so, but it’s the thought that counts,” Discord replied.

Twilight shook her head. She looked back at the books and reached out with her magic to take another one from the shelf – and then she stopped. What if Discord was right? Was she really spending too much time reading books when she should be out in the world doing things?

He was right about one thing – if she had kept her nose in books then she never would have met her friends. She wouldn’t be who she was today. The only reason she was now the Princess of Friendship was because she actually did something.

Twilight returned the book to the shelf. “You know what – you’re right. It’s high time I went out and had an adventure of my own. Who knows – maybe I can meet some new friends! Thanks, Discord!”

The princess galloped back toward her castle at high speed, leaving Discord alone.

After she was gone, Discord looked up at the cloud that was hovering over the bookstore. “All right, Rainbow Dash. Time to pay up! I believe you owe me 10 bits.”

A blue pony with a rainbow-colored mane swooped down from the cloud and landed in front of the bookstore. “Aw, shucks,” she said, as she gave Discord the pile of bits. “I really didn’t think you had it in you.”

Discord collected the bits with a smile. “I told you I could talk Twilight into leaving the bookstore without buying anything. You have so little faith in me, Dashie. It saddens me.”

“Whatever. But tell me something. All those things you said about those books – did they really happen? Are they true, or did you just make them up to get Twilight to leave?”

Discord smiled. “Well, since you were such a good sport about our bet I will level with you. One of the stories is a complete fabrication. However, the other stores are quite true.”

Rainbow Dash frowned. “Which story was a lie?”

“I’ll never tell,” Discord said with a wink. He then began to vanish – first his tail, then his legs, and then his arms and wings. Finally his head disappeared, until only his smile was left. The smile then faded away, leaving behind a very confused rainbow-colored pony.