The Ancient Human Hypothesis
“Whoever would have thought that such a fruit could be made into so delicious a morning beverage as this? Praise to modern Equestria and their miraculous blenders!”
Princess Luna sighed happily as she drank some banana juice to slake her thirst, raising the half-full glass to the air in cheer and then setting it onto a coffee table, as she walked out of her chambers and onto the adjoining balcony. She peered out from her vantage point, taking in the cool air as the Sun marked its gradual descent in the western sky, a sky that was now vaguely the color of a pony’s face who was holding their breath for a bit too long.
Only a small, scattered gaggle of lazy looking clouds hung above, allowing for an almost perfect view of the stars. Luna could also see the beginnings of what appeared to be a tiny meteor shower around the eastern slopes of Canterlot mountain, plastering a smile on the alicorn’s face.
Luna’s smile transitioned to a slight smirk as she noticed Celestia over on another balcony, her horn aglow in its golden aura. “I trust that will be the last time sister decides to filch anything from my special cupboard in the castle kitchen for her odd alchemy experiments without permission,” she muttered to herself, breaking into a chuckle fueled by pure incredulity. “Origin of our entire world, indeed.”
A quiet chime of magical energy rang out, and Luna began to tug at the Moon as she always did at this late hour of the day. While she did so, her instincts told her to turn around; somepony had suddenly materialized behind her.
To Luna’s surprise, she was greeted by the sight of a steel-colored earth pony stallion garb in suit and fedora standing near her bed. His expression was entirely phlegmatic and stoic in every sense of the word as his observant gray eyes peered at her down his prim muzzle.
“…Agent September? What abnormal circumstances have brought you of all ponies here, perchance?” Luna asked, greatly puzzled by the pony’s presence.
September tilted his head a bit and pointed a foreleg out towards the sky, exposing the red-gold sun banner pin on his lapel. “Princess Luna…the truth is out there,” he replied cryptically.
Luna followed his pointing leg towards the sky, giving it a cursory inspection. “Wha—” As she turned back around to face him, September was nowhere to be found. Luna frowned and sighed. “Of course. They always do that.”
Turning back to look at the Moon again, Luna noticed that the meteor shower had changed. In fact, it now more resembled a lone comet, as the other moving light sources dancing about the visible sliver of eastern sky were now dimmer, and moving more slowly. By now, Celestia had already gone back inside, and the Moon was about in its usual night time orbit, so Luna stayed fixated on the dancing quasi-circular lights now dominating the sky, like deranged court jesters on a celestial stage.
Thoughts began brewing in her head, and she quickly murmured them aloud to herself. “Comets and meteorites do not move like that,” she stated with confusion. Luna quickly went into her room, and soon returned with a small telescope and the glass of banana juice in her telekinetic grasp. She sat and studied the objects as she drank. At first glance, Luna was incredulous. On the second, more prolonged glance, she was absolutely captivated by what she was witnessing, spitting out some of her juice from sheer exhilaration.
“Powered flight? But–but that would mean…” Luna recalled September’s words from just a few moments before, and wondered if they had any connection with the bold claims and descriptions Celestia had made throughout the course of the day after she’d confronted her about the ill-procured juice in the morning. For Luna, it was all too compelling to be just a coincidence. “Momentous! I should inform sister with utmost haste!”
For her part, Luna was just as proud as she was awestruck. Looks like watching all those peculiar science fiction motion picture movie thingies whilst learning about modern day Equestria was finally going to pay off, after all.
Before darting off the balcony and towards the other castle spire, Luna did a double take as the incoming light rapidly gave way to the impressive form of a starship with an arrowhead-like profile, turning about to begin a descent. A smile blossomed on her face as she took flight and heard shouts of wonder and astonishment from the unicorns staffing the nearby Royal Observatory, whose windows were wide open and occupied with spectators. She reached her sister’s chambers in what had to be record time.
“Celestia? Sister, an airship…no, umm…a spaceship, is landing outside the city,” Luna proclaimed as she rapped excitedly on the door to Celestia’s bedroom.
Celestia quickly opened the door in response. The Princess’ bedraggled mane and wide, excited eyes caused Luna to delay her greeting; seeing such unbridled excitement in the older ruler was a most rare sight indeed, unless the royal advisor Lady Caffeine got involved. “…sorry to wake you, dear sister, but I figured this wasn’t something you would want to miss.”
“Indeed! Thank you, Luna! Amazing, beyond amazing! And to think, I only learned of them just this morning!” Celestia breathed in between fits of chuckling, walking past Luna and signaling her guards to follow through the corridors. Luna returned to the nearest balcony and took flight again, heading straight down to the front of the castle’s drawbridge.
Somehow, Celestia was already there on the bridge, joined by excited, paranoid, surprised, or otherwise curious onlookers who were gathering by the dozens to witness whoever it was that was making landfall outside their fair capital with such an unfamiliar-looking vehicle.
With a low hum and a light but firm wind that blew off several aristocrats’ wigs, the one hundred and fifty meter-long starship came to a stop just a few meters above the road in front of the moat. Luna joined Celestia as everyone looked up and diligently analyzed the alien spacecraft.
The ship’s nameplate read Sunflower. It’s angular hull was composed of asymmetrically-cut radiant white, violet, and cyan crystals that reflected the moonlight from the stern all the way to the goofy triangular zigzag prow. The crystals altered the light to form images of a cheerful smiling sun that appeared on various surfaces of the ship at random intervals, excluding the sun-shaped observation windows and rectangular airlock doors.
“Who did you say our creators supposedly were again, Celestia?” Luna asked, struggling to maintain a low conversational tone over the humming of the engines and levitation generators that kept the Sunflower aloft. “This vessel looks vaguely like something that peculiar stallion Cheese Sandwich would fly on a tour to the Crystal Empire.”
“Hmm, it does, doesn’t it?” a higher-pitched voice replied.
Celestia turned to answer, but before she could speak, she noticed that a pink earth pony mare had appeared in between her and Luna. Lifting forelegs in surprise, both sisters said, ”Pinkie Pie?”
“Surprise! Hello,” Pinkie greeted sweetly.
“Ah, I was somehow expecting you to appear here, Pinkie Pie,” Celestia greeted back, flashing her a knowing and surprised smile. She then turned back to Luna. “To answer your question, I believe our makers were in fact called…“ Celestia returned her gaze to Pinkie Pie expectantly, worsening Luna’s puzzlement.
The bubblegum-pink hairs of Pinkie Pie’s mane stood out in every direction as she smiled and held her forelegs aloft as if presenting something groundbreaking. “Humans.”
“Humans?” Luna replied, surprised. “You mean that bipedal primate race that lives on the other side of Star Swirl’s old faulty mirror prototype?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes,” Celestia answered.
“Well, kind of yes, and kind of no,” Pinkie added.
“Intriguing.”
All further conversation was halted as an amplified voice began emanating from the starship, and the wind and humming became so faint as to be almost unnoticeable. “Warmest greetings, fair locals! We are emissaries of the SolCorp Empire, one of the oldest and most esteemed merchant houses in the galaxy. We have arrived in the interest of opening trade routes, offering you tons of our semi-useful goods at bargain prices, and discovering new commodities to—”
“Belay that standard first contact address, ensign!” another voice from the ship interrupted. “This is the Earth, goofball! The special assignment from the Board regarding that Draconequus’ invitation, remember?”
“Wait…I’ve heard that second voice before,” Celestia remarked with surprise as she rubbed her forehooves together thoughtfully. “During my vision of the past.” Pinkie Pie made a sound like a squeaky toy being stepped on as she looked at Celestia with a knowing grin of her own, which Celestia returned. Luna gave the both of them a weird look and moved a few paces away from them.
“Ohhh...oops,” the first voice replied. “My mistake, ma’am. Sorry.”
“That’s quite alright, Schmidt.” The second speaker murmured to others aboard for a little bit and cleared her throat before addressing the crowd below. “Oh, praise the Sun! I’d feared that those Wooly Mammoths might have ended up taking over instead. Majestic, aren’t they? Well, my eyes are better than yours, space wizard, so hush. Ahem! Greetings, native ponies. My name is Meghan Williams, we come in peace, and all the other clichéd sci-fi platitudes. We shall be meeting you in person moments from now. Please make way as we descend, if you’d be so kind?”
In response, the Canterlot ponies began murmuring and chatting up a storm amongst themselves, with only the Royal Guard keeping mostly quiet as they looked on attentively. The ship began emitting a beam of purple light from a circular opening on its underside onto the road. A holographic circular rune with rotating Equestrian text reading: “Caution: Gravity Lift In Operation, Please Stand Clear,” appeared on the smooth stone pavement.
The crowd’s murmuring gradually shifted to gasps and awes as six minotaur-like individuals floated out of opening and down the gravity lift to the surface. “To actually meet them in person…” Celestia mused with subdued wonder, quickly fixing her bedraggled mane with magic.
While Celestia walked forward to meet the new arrivals and Pinkie Pie vanished, leaving behind a mysterious hand of uneaten bananas, Luna’s mouth was left partially agape as she slowly followed her sister. To her credit, the group of aliens was a rather peculiar sight.
As the lift powered down, a dark-skinned human male dressed in business wear tapped busily away at a holographic screen on his wrist as he hummed a tune. Beside him was a similarly-dressed, slender female with a mane of blonde hair worn in a ponytail and fair complexion that framed the warm smile she greeted the two approaching Equestrians with. To the female human’s left, stood two male chimpanzees in expensive-looking white armor festooned with crystals and scientific equipment, one of which was nonchalantly sipping steaming tea from a mug he held in one furry hand, pinkie pointed up. The simian’s expressions and demeanor resembled those of the most snobbish amongst the present Canterlot nobility. Next to them was a long-bearded older human in wizardly robes, leaning on an ornate silver staff.
Completing the group of six was a vast, balding man garbed in a white, gem-inlaid armored vest, bandoliers, and red shirt. He equipped himself with a light rotary cannon that he kept slung around his back, and one delicious-looking sandwich. He was delicately nibbling on the latter as he returned the Royal Guards’ gaze with an unimpressed smirk.
“Tiny horse soldiers, how adorable,” the man quietly chuckled to himself in a thick accent.
Celestia shared the blonde woman’s smile as she gracefully nodded to her in greeting. “I am Princess Celestia. Please, accept my warmest welcome to Equestria.” Mentally, Celestia sighed with relief that over a millennium of political experience succeeded in preventing her from blurting out “I’ve seen you before,” potentially confusing the humans and causing a momentary loss of her serene composure.
“Greetings. You may call me Princess Luna, fair visitor,” Luna likewise greeted. “It is a pleasure to meet you.”
“Thank you, Princess Luna, Princess Celestia. The wonder is all mine,” the woman replied with almost breathless enthusiasm, bowing her head. “I’m Meghan Williams, human and Chief Operating Officer of Sol Corporation, at your disposal!” Meghan offered her left hand, her azure eyes twinkling in the moonlight. Celestia, Luna and Meghan shook, then Meghan gestured towards her companions. “Let me introduce Executive Anders Booth…”
The man tapping away at his wrist computer looked up and waved cheerfully at the now quietly but intensely conversing crowd of ponies. “Hello, Earthlings! Never thought I’d have an opportunity to say that. And salutations to you, Your Highnesses.”
“...the Physician Phineas, Xenolinguist Percival, Professor of Magic Hakim Amari, and last, but certainly not least, Mikhail, our corporate chief of security and ridiculously overpowered heavy weapons.”
“Hello. I am heavy weapons guy,” Mikhail responded, finishing his sandwich. “And prettiest princess, in certain circles. Hmm…” He took notice of the bananas and pulled out a portable blender, prompting Luna to appear next to the big man with an expectant grin. Mikhail gave her an uneasy look, and slowly inched away from her.
“Charmed,” Phineas greeted.
“Pleasure, pleasure to be sure. Well, my presence down here is probably redundant now, isn’t it? Seeing as how we're all chatting away like close old chaps rather than foreign species,” Percival muttered dismissively, quickly returning to his tea.
Hakim chuckled as he tapped the bottom of his staff against the stone. “Hello, hello!”
“Welcome to all,” Celestia replied warmly.
“Now then, what has brought you all the way here, to the Earth, to Equestria?” Luna interposed, pushing pleasantries out of the way and sipping a new glass of banana juice. Besides the obvious fact that you are here to trade and likely wreak unfathomable mischief upon our philosophers and scientists, the younger alicorn thought to herself
“The greatest question of them all, if I may say so myself,” Hakim’s silver staff declared, instantly transmuting into the form of a familiar mismatched being. The old wizard glared at the tall newcomer beside him with exasperation, summoning a new staff from the ether.
“Discord? What—“ Luna stopped herself, deciding that asking a Draconequus the type of question she just had in mind was a waste of time.
“We…should probably converse in private, if I may humbly request,” Meghan said to both Princesses. “Just you, me, and Discord, your Highnesses. While the circumstances that have brought Sol Corp back to Earth involve no motivations other than trade and curiosity, it’s definitely a matter to be approached delicately. Hakim and Anders can discuss any further business for me after that.”
“Back to Earth, she says?” Discord teased, smirking at Meghan. The woman chewed her lip nervously, then quickly looked at Discord and made a ‘zip it’ gesture. His smirk only grew as he adopted a mischievous expression.
Celestia inwardly laughed at the duo’s exchange, and nodded without hesitation. “My thoughts exactly, Meghan.” She turned to look at a small group of gawking royal staff. “Somepony please give Madame Williams’ colleagues a tour of the castle, and have the cooks prepare a late night meal for them.” Celestia then leaned towards Luna’s ear. “I suspect most of Canterlot’s normally sleeping citizens will likely be awake tonight, all things considered.”
Luna’s face lit up with delight, while Kibitz, the Royal Scheduling Advisor, stepped forward and bowed. “I shall muster the servants immediately, Your Highness!”
“Thank you.”
While the guards began politely motioning the crowd to disperse and lead the other five aliens through to the castle, Celestia and Luna personally lead Meghan and Discord to the throne room. As they strode through the stately halls, Celestia turned to Meghan, whose physical presence she was now used to, and decided now was a decent time to spill the magic beans. She smiled and said in a low voice, “Just a heads up, Luna and I are already aware your people created the first ponies.”
Meghan’s eyes bugged out, and she almost stopped in her tracks from sheer exasperation.
In the throne room, everyone was finally sitting down to discuss business. Celestia had just finished explaining to Meghan Williams about her experiments with history-viewing alchemical mixtures, and her witnessing of the penultimate SolCorp meeting from ages past.
"Wait, fifty thousand years ago?" Meghan questioned, rubbing at her chin.
"By my calculations," Celestia answered.
"We must be using much different calendar and/or numbering systems. According to SolCorp's fiscal reckoning, we vacated the Earth no more than roughly ten thousand years ago in Operation: Everlasting Vacation. It was our final act after the end of the Great Magic War of 2504."
"An everlasting vacation, you say? Well that certainly explains a few things," Celestia replied thoughtfully.
"What was never explained to me and the Board, was why those Rainbow Peace people decided to use portals to colonize an alternate Earth instead of leaving to live with the Colonials like we did. To this day, I chalk it up to their supposed ethical opposition of sorts to William Big's constant stream of new species back in the day. Can you believe that man actually ended up turning himself into a minotaur?"
Luna turned to the Draconequus while Meghan and Celestia continued their conversation. “So, you're the one who prompted interest within SolCorp to return to our world?”
“Yes, that one would be moi,” Discord answered, reclining on a fainting couch of his whose frame was made out of the remnant wood of the Golden Oak Library. “Centuries ago, when I was just a little whippersnapper still learning the ins and outs of Draconequus magic, I would always hear fascinating tales from dear old Grandma Disarray and Grandpa Quagmire about olden days when Draconequii squabbled with folks whom were equally obsessed with making the world more colorful. So I thought to myself, one day, I would just have to track down these guys. We could throw one awesome party together!”
The wording of Discord’s final sentence unknowingly triggered an unseen timer for the imminent reappearance of a certain mare.
“How in Equestria were you able to know where to look for Meghan’s kind and make contact?” Celestia asked. “Space is quite vast.”
“Oh, I have eyes, ears, and other assorted sensory limbs scattered here and there around the galaxy,” Discord replied.
“It’s true,” Meghan nodded. “His kind are very active, especially in the human regions of the Milky Way. Some of them are responsible for our trade routes with the Decapodians and the Dalek Empire going sour, and the…Paulina Diane Pinkerton, as I eternally live and breathe!”
Pinkie Pie was now wearing a suit and tie as she grinned at Meghan, having appeared right next to Discord’s sofa. “Actually, I go by Pinkie Pie these days.”
“You mean…you weren't always Pinkie Pie, but somepony else?” Princess Luna inquired, more confounded than ever tonight.
“Oh, I sometimes change names at the end of each lifecycle, is all,” Pinkie Pie explained nonchalantly. “It’s kind of a must when a girl turns herself into a magical pony infused with some Phoenix and Draconequus genes.”
Luna looked uncertainly to Meghan in hopes of clarification. “Biological sorcery?”
“The official term is Arcane Bioengineering, I believe. Have to ask Professor Hakim for sure, that’s his area of expertise. But praise the Sun, I haven't laid eyes on you in literally ages, boss! It’s great to finally see you again!”
“Ditto!”
Luna did a doubletake at Pinkie Pie, then turned to Celestia. “Pinkie Pie, this mare, is our creator?”
“More like...initial designer, sort of,” Pinkie Pie declared with a smile. “My big sis Madeline always distracted me with that awesome red hair of hers, so she ended up getting most of your primary designs finalized, instead. My pink hair’s awesome, but why couldn't I have even better hair like that?”
Pinkie Pie quickly leaped from one tangent to the next, and pulled out a paper map of Equestria and the rest of the Earth. She waved over Meghan, who had a hunch on what Pinkie was doing, and produced another, holographic image of the globe from the company’s ancient archives.
Celestia and Luna gazed in wonder at how different the landmasses looked in the contrasting maps after ten whole millenniums. While some stretches of coastline and rivers looked relatively similar, entire lands had become mere islands, or sank entirely, and other lands had likewise appeared where there had once been nothing but ocean. The continent with the human designation, "N. America" existed as the most unchanged landmass in the Equestrian map, whose location the Kingdom now rested upon.
“I am pleased to see that despite the cataclysmic geographical upheaval caused by the Great Magic War, you ponies were entirely unhindered by the bizarre changes.” Meghan surveyed the surrounding throne room with admiration. “In fact, I don’t think we've ever seen old Terra so good looking, before."
Discord laughed as he pointed at a large bay on Equestria’s eastern coast. “That’s where Grandma Disarray said that one of the Red Empires had carved a giant horseshoe out of Mary Land with a giant death ray, during the war. Your former headquarters is now the bottom of Horseshoe Bay!”
“Wrong state, wrong city, my good Draconequus,” Meghan merely chuckled back.
Pinkie Pie giggled and playfully bounced in a circle around Discord as she stated, “Sol Corporation’s superduper HQ was in Seattle, Washington, silly!”
“Oh, Princess Celestia, would you mind if I reported back to the Board of Executives that Earth is in good hands, hooves, et cetera?” Meghan asked.
“Of course–” Celestia began, before being interrupted by Luna.
“But only if...you agree to establishing trade routes between Earth and the galaxy. I desire all the Milky Way to know the joys of banana juice, as I do,” Luna proclaimed.
“Now you're speaking my language!” Meghan laughed. “it’s a deal!”
