Two Ponies in Search of an Author

by survivorofgallopfrey

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Romance, Comedy, Random
Length: 1139

Rarity and her current coltfriend find out that they are actually characters in a one take fanfic. This doesn't bode well for the author.

Rarity and her current coltfriend find out that they are actually characters in someone's one take fan fiction. This doesn't bode well for the author.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-07 07:20:05 UTC

The Story

It was a bright sunny day in the Canterlot Royal Gardens, and two unicorns were walking side-by-side through them. One of them was a white mare, with a curly purple mane, with three diamonds for a cutie mark, named Rarity. She had taken a trip from her home town of Ponyville to Canterlot, in order enter a dressmaking competition held there annually, when she came across a rather cute stallion who was one of the judges of the competition. He was white coated, with a gold mane and tail, and dressed fashionably. She liked that in a stallion.

They were just walking into the palace labyrinth, when Rarity had mentioned, "You know, darling, the last time I went through these hedges was when Discord got on the loose. I turned an awful shade of grey because of him."

"What, do you think he's going to do it again?" asked the colt.

"No," said Rarity, shrugging off the question.

"Think that he's going to teleport one of us away from each other? Or have me shapeshift into him as his idea of a joke?"

"Oh, goodness no!"

They went on a bit more in silence when Rarity suddenly got an idea. "Would you be a dear and turn around for a moment?" she asked him.

"What for?" he responded.

"Can you just turn around, please, darling?"

He did.

"Okay you can look now," said Rarity.

He turned around and came face-to-face with Discord. "Kiss me, darling," he said in a poor initiation of Rarity. He then proceeded to pucker his lips and make smacking noises with them at the same time. The stallion both jumped and screamed in fright, and laid on his back, at first staring at Discord, and then, noticing Discord was still wearing Rarity's lipstick and Eyeliner, closed his eyes and covered them with his hooves.

He heard Rarity's voice, sounding more natural than Discord's pseudo Rarity voice, saying, "I'm sorry, darling, it was only a joke. You can open your eyes now."

"No!" screamed the stallion. Rarity continued to beg him to look at her until he gave in, and slowly lowered his hooves, and opened his eyes...

And saw the face of the real Rarity looking back at him.

"You're not Rarity," he said.

"Why of course I am Rarity!"

"Then how can you shape shift into someone else?"

"Well, how can you teleport?"

"What do you mean? I didn't teleport."

"Then what are you doing over there?" Rarity pointed her hoof towards down a path in the maze.

He looked in that direction, and saw himself standing there. He blinked in confusion, and when his eyelids opened, he was standing where he had seen himself in that split second. Rarity walked over to him.

"Stop this at once! You're breaking the laws of physics! I think that's against the laws of Equestira. The law will arrest us both for breaking laws that we shouldn't be able to break!"

"Those are not the only laws you two have broken," said a strange male voice, coming from around the corner.

Rarity and her coltfriend went over to the corner and saw a strange, clothed, ape-like creature, sitting in a wooden chair, pressing buttons on some weird thing that neither of them knew what it was.

"Who are you?" asked Rarity. "What are you?"

The creature looked up at them and said, "To answer your second question first, I am a human. As to your first question, you can call me SonofaChaosGod. I am also your author."

"Author? You mean we are fictional characters you created?" asked Rarity.

"Well, I created one of you, yes. But you, Rarity, are somebody else's character."

"Don't you mean 'somepony else's character'?" asked the stallion.

"No. Us humans don't use that word, and you, Rarity, were come up with by a different human than myself. This is merely a fan fiction."

"You gave your name as SonofaChaosGod," said Rarity.

"Yes, I did."

"Do you mean to say that you're Discord's child?"

Her author was silent for a bit. "Yes, I am," he said finally.

Rarity's coltfriend was confused, "Wait, if we're both fictional characters, then everyone we know are fictional characters as well. So if Discord is fictional, how is he, your father?"

"That would be making sense wouldn't it."

They both groaned.

"Apparently, my father has interfered with this particular fan fic that I was trying to write, and thus resulted in this mess of a story. This whole fic is entirely unusable. I now just have to sit out and try to salvage this nonsense."

"This starts to make sense when I think about it. Us being in a fanfic, that is," said Rarity. "Ever since this story started, I've been hearing a voice in my head, narrating everything we do." She turned to her colt-friend. "And now that I think about it, I don't even remember meeting you, erm..." She paused. "In fact I don't even know your name."

"Well, my name is..." he began. "My name is...."

"You don't have one. I didn't have a chance to write one for you yet. You've just been called 'the stallion', or 'Rarity's coltfriend', or simply 'he' or 'him'. That was merely intended as a filler until I could come up with a proper name, and then Rarity, here, started breaking the laws of physics, and prevented me from giving you one."

"WELL GIVE ME A NAME THEN!" he yelled at SonofaChaosGod.

"It is no longer in my power," said the author. "Soon as Discord took control of the fic, it is now up to him to give you one."

"Please, Discord, if you have any kindness in your heart, give me a proper name," said Fuckhead. "FAUSTDAMN YOU!" he exclaimed upon hearing the narrator speak his rather inappropriate name.

"I'm terribly sorry, Mr. erm... Mr. Head, but with a name like that, it is over between us," said Rarity.

"I was planning on having a sex scene between you two," said SonofaChaosGod.

Fuckhead was pleased at the idea, while Rarity was horrified.

"But there is no point in that now, the entire story is unusable. You see how many paragraphs there are left on this page?"

"Yeah?" asked Rarity.

"That is how long you two have left in this fic. Only one thing about this fic actually fit into my original idea, and that it will be a one shot. Once this chapter is over, you two will cease to exist." He paused for a moment. "Unless there is demand for a sequel."

Fuckhead looked at how much was left in his existence.

"There are only two paragraphs left in this fan fiction? How are we supposed to wrap everything up in that time?"

"Maybe," said Rarity, "this is one of those stories that ends abruptly."