The Darkest Corners of Our Minds

I was the first to wake up. We ended up lying on our sides, and at some point Twilight must have levitated over a blanket for warmth, but it wasn't doing a very good job as it had been soaked in places. Not only was the blanket moist, but so were we. I could feel Twilight's fur matted with both her and my own come, as well as my own scales becoming sticky with the final product. It had somehow managed to get everywhere including under my chin, making it itchy as Tartarus, but I was too constricted by Twilight's wings to scratch. I felt no shame, nor regret for what we just did. As far as I was concerned, we were just two consenting adults who just had an itch that needed scratching, no more. I still felt the same way for Rarity and Fluttershy that I had before, and I knew that almost nothing could change that. I was also aware that There was still no possible way Rarity would ever want to be with me. Even if I wasn't still too young for her, she would still only see me as the 'baby' dragon I was when we first met. If I were to try to convince her to let me 'satisfy her heat', she would no doubt see it only as that, and it would sour our already unstable relationship. With Twilight, it was different.

I didn't feel like I was taking advantage of Twilight, nor her of me. Even while we lay there clinging to each other under the filthy blankets taking in each other's scents and basking in the warmth of a mutual embrace. I regarded her face carefully in the dim light that managed to make it through the blackout curtains that seemed new to the castle. A peaceful grin tugged at her lips, one I had seen too many times before. Despite what any of the other ponies may have thought, Twilight was beautiful. Most ponies were beautiful honestly, but where they were mistaken was in the magnitude of her magnificence. Twilight could easily give Rarity a run for her bits with the adorable faces she made in her sleep.

I also knew that even after what we had just been through, we still couldn't be anything more than just friends. Maybe we were closer than most friends ever should, nay, could be, but we would be all we had for the next millenia. Twilight wouldn't have had to cope with the thoughts that she would ever be alone before, but now she would. Nopony would have to tell her, but soon enough she would figure it out. Unlike Fluttershy and Rarity, she wouldn't go to the spa with anypony, and nopony would notice right away. Rarity might, but it was doubtful she would say anything. The poor unicorn would probably have her hooves full just coping with her own wrinkles without worrying about anypony's lack of them.

I let out a labored sigh.

“Spike?” Twilight began to stir in response to movement.

“I'm here, Twilight,” I reassured. She blinked a few times and shifted into a more comfortable position and looked into my eyes, but said nothing. Her horn glowed slightly with what I thought was a simple illumination spell for her to see my face, but instead of remaining constant, the light grew more intense and in moments we were on top of her bed. I wondered why she hadn't transported us earlier, but didn't bother too much with the thought.

“If we stay like this all day, we won't be able to sleep tonight.”

“You never sleep at night anyway, Twi.”

“You got me there.” She giggled, but then her smile faltered. “Spike, we-”

“Sh. I know. Don't worry about it, I'm not going to ask you to marry me or anything.”

She blushed, but the picture perfect look of amazement across her muzzle was tarnished by the fluids staining it. Without thinking, I licked her muzzle, cleaning it thoroughly. Her blushing only intensified and her mouth remained open, perhaps awaiting an explanation. Betraying my previous statements, I moved my tongue into her mouth and licked each of her teeth clean, row by row. She didn't protest, or move at all. I moved on to her tongue, keeping my eyes centered on hers as best I could while cleaning her like a cat. When I finished, I moved my head back to better meet her gaze and hold it. She began to mimic my actions with her wider equine tongue, bathing my face in saliva before licking it clean moments later. She used to clean me like this before back when we were younger. She told me it was a sign of affection ponies only shared when they were really close with each other. She told me that it was because I was so special to her that she bathed me that way. That and the fact that she was too lazy to convince me to get into the bath.

She finished and smiled once more at the display of affection, but it was once again betrayed by the returning frown. “I'm sorry.”

“For what?” I asked with a reassuring grin.

“I'm sorry for misleading you.”

“You didn't mislead me. We both have needs.”

“Not that.”

“It's okay Twilight.”

“No, Spike, it's not.” She let me out of the embrace, retracting her wings to her sides and shifting to lay on her front. She rested her muzzle on the pillow. “We shouldn't have done that.”

“Twilight, it's okay.”

“Let me finish. We shouldn't have done that, Spike. We shouldn't be together like that. I was taking advantage of your emotions and that's wrong. I know you wanted to save yourself for Rarity, and even if you weren't, your first time should have been with somepony special. It should have been something special, not just a mare trying to get her rocks off. In fact, I've half a mind to march over to Fluttershy's and give her a piece of my mind for what she did to you,” she emphasized her point by driving a hoof into the pillow, though the overall effect more resembled a halfhearted filly's tantrum than a mare with a bone to pick. “You're not a piece of meat, and I should have just told you.” Her jaw slacked and quivered, but she clamped her mouth and eyes shut, probably thinking I wouldn't notice. I relaxed my posture, resting my head in my claw propped up by the pillows. “Spike, you mean everything to me. I don't want to lose you, and what we just did... What we just did could have just blown every chance at that. I was being selfish and I wanted you to want me just so you wouldn't leave.”

“Twi-”

“I'm sorry,” she added with an edge to her tone.

“Twilight, I know.”

She looked back to me, eyes glistening with unshed tears, begging me to continue.

“You were scared that I would run off with Rarity at the drop of a hat, weren't you?”

“...”

“You thought that if you could give me everything I wanted that I wouldn't try to get it from somepony else?”

She blinked, letting a tear fall and wiping it away with a hoof.

“It's okay, Twilight. I know how you feel. You think you're all alone in the world, and nothing is permanent. You can't avoid it. Ever since you became a princess, I've known you didn't know what to do with the responsibility. I grew up with you, did you really think I would miss something that big?”

Still no response.

I breathed a sigh, “Twilight, I know how you feel. I'm going to be around for a long time. It may not look it, but I'm much wiser than ponies think. I've seen you go from being just a normal filly with silly ambitions to being a princess of Equestria. Not only that, but you're the Princess of Frienship. You should know better than to think somepony could take my love away from you. Don't be mistaken, I love you. You're my best friend and I would do anything for you, even this,” I gestured to the space between us. Her smile was showing some signs of returning. I hugged her close. “Nopony can get between us, Twilight.”

She returned the embrace, nuzzling my cheek fervently. “Thank you, Spike. I love you, too.” She whimpered silently, telling me that she was finally letting the tears fall. The wetness on my neck confirmed my suspicions.

I drew back and composed myself seriously. “Even though I promised I'll always be your friend, I will have to leave the nest someday. I will always be your friend Twilight, and if necessary, I will be your assistant until my final days, but despite all that's been going on, I can't be everything to you, and you can't be everything to me. I will find somepony else to share my love with, and so will you. I won't stop you from pursuing a stallion, and I know you won't stop me from courting a mare, or even another dragon. You're going to have to make peace with that.”

Her expression darkened for a moment, but brightened suddenly, “I think I can deal with that.”

“Good,” I replied calmly, “Now if you don't mind, we really shouldn't stay in bed all day. It's unhealthy, and I think I have some explaining to do with Fluttershy.” I chuckled towards the end, lightening my tone.

“Okay,” came the response while we both rose from under the covers, “I have some laundry to do anyway.” I climbed off of the bed and made my way out of the room intent on showering before heading over to Fluttershy's. “Wait.”

“What is it?” I looked back to the bed where Twilight still lay.

“What exactly are you going to say to Fluttershy, if you don't mind my asking?”

I pondered for a moment, considering what I should tell her. “I hadn't really thought of that. What do you think I should say?”

“That all depends,” Twilight's ears perked up, “How do you feel about her?”

“I hadn't really thought about that either.”

“Do you... like her? And if so, what about Rarity?”

“I don't know how I feel about Fluttershy yet, but I at least want to apologize if I was leading her on and made her do something she didn't want. I should probably tell Rarity about my feelings though. She hasn't seen me since I started changing, and she deserves to know what's going on as much as anypony. I guess I could also use this as an excuse to see how the picnic went.” We both had a bit of a laugh, and Twilight didn't try to stop me this time. I strode back to the bed, trying not to drag my tail on the floor behind me and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead just under her horn. “If I'm not back tonight, don't wait up for me.”

The warm vapors of the shower did wonders to clear my mind. I decided it probably wouldn't be in my best interest after all to visit Rarity, especially knowing her reaction would be to either scream in horror or be too exhausted from the day's work to even answer the door. On the other hand, there was the slight chance that she may offer me a glass of wine for once, and I knew Fluttershy would be awake almost as late as Twilight. Neither of them would expect me, and I probably should have waited at least a night to settle with my thoughts and make peace with my feelings before doing damage control, but I was still naïve. For the first time I noticed the expanse of room around me. Fifteen ponies could comfortably shower there, and instead of a regular shower head, the ceiling seemed to be the head itself. The water cascaded like rain. Twilight could have joined me if she wanted to and we would each have enough room to ourselves, but clearly she had found some other way to busy herself.

I thought about how I felt for Fluttershy. She had been the first resident of Ponyville to pay me so much attention. She treated me no differently than she would a close friend, and not at all like her animal friends. Sure, she had tea parties with bears and beavers before, but when she invited me, it was always just the two of us. She somehow managed to shoo away Angel long enough for him to not assault me for being close to his caretaker, and we had pleasant conversations. I told her everything I knew about dragons and my own experiences, including the secret parties I threw when she, Twilight, and the other girls were away. She promised not to tell anypony, especially Pinkie Pie, and the attendees were always able to keep it hush-hush, due more to the fact that the parties were always low-key to begin with. Whenever I spoke, she always gave me her full attention, and she even gave her own input much more frequently than when she was with the other girls.

Fluttershy trusted me. She probably loved me almost as much as Twilight did, and she wasn't offended by my diet, claws, sharp teeth, or other dragonisms. She even liked some of them, calling the qualities endearing and sometimes attractive. She never once flirted with me or sent the wrong signals by telling me that there could be something more than friendship between us. She once invited me over for an afternoon with Discord. I was frightened at first, and even his name brought back bitter memories of puking up scrolls nonstop, but I agreed, and he really was as pleasant as she told everypony. She treated him in a similar manner to the way she treated me, and at the time I didn't notice it, but it seemed as if we gained much favor over her other friends. Not once had I ever been to her house when she didn't have a small bowl of gems out for me to snack on, and yet I had never returned the favor.

I began to think about what I could do for her to return the favor for her being so kind. I quickly rationalized that nothing I could do would ever be enough to pay her back. I knew her favorite flowers, the colors that she wore the best, and I even tried defending her honor to Applejack, saying that Fluttershy could keep pace with Rainbow Dash if she applied herself. AJ seemed to forget quite often how many times Fluttershy was the one who was sent after Rainbow, or hitched next to her on carts without slowing down very much at all. I knew that she was quiet because her family was always so loud, and that having so many animals living with her made her more comfortable because it reminded her of home. Her family wasn't loud because they were angry or violent, they just loved to express themselves. Rarity's parents contrasted against her the same way. I knew that Fluttershy had been one of the few ponies Scootaloo looked to for comfort and guidance when it came to wanting Rainbow Dash to notice her. Of course, I knew that because Scootaloo was equally close to me.

Still, knowing all those personal things didn't help me at all when thinking of how I could be as kind to her as she had been to me and everypony else. She was the element of kindness for a good reason, after all. I was quickly becoming infatuated with the pegasus and as I turned the water off and dried myself, I resolved that I would do anything for Fluttershy to be happy. I would also do anything for her to be happy with me. Rarity faded from focus and I realized that falling for somepony who would never have me was pointless. At that point, even if Rarity had accepted me, I didn't want to be with her anymore. She was a great pony, but the element of kindness couldn't be beat, and if I were being honest with myself, wings were much nicer than magic. Rainbow Dash and Twilight took me flying a few times, but not nearly as often as Fluttershy had, and that was special. I knew that Fluttershy loved my company, and I knew she wouldn't mind having me more often, and that she would actually love it. I could help take care of the animals for her, but I knew that if I wanted to get anywhere at all I would have to please Angel first. I would be a monster to ask Fluttershy to be my special somepony if her favored pet hated me. Carrots wouldn't do, but I didn't know what else to do. It would have to be a start, though.

My feet carried me through town as the sun descended beyond the horizon. Luckily, I had my thoughts together when I left and managed to find some rather large carrots in the kitchen as well as assembling a posey of elderberry blossoms from the garden. I didn't bother rehearsing what I would say when I got there. Fluttershy could have been doing when I finally showed up, including sleeping. I almost didn't want to disturb her, but I also didn't want to leave her with bad thoughts over night. I looked down at the carefully arranged bouquet, hoping she would like it. Ponies always liked it when I brought flowers, but never ate them in front of me. Twilight never told me why, but it always made me question my eating gems as soon as they were presented to me. I made a note to stop doing that and kept on my way. Ponies were either in their homes or on their way inside as I passed them. Some fillies and colts were begging for more time to play outside and their parents were caving.

I arrived at Fluttershy's cottage just as the sun fell below the horizon. The downstairs lights were on inside, but her bedroom light was off. Angel, who was napping on the stoop, woke up and gave me a cross look. “Sorry for showing up so late, little guy. I know you don't like me much, but I'm willing to put everything behind us for Fluttershy's sake.” The rabbit didn't budge. I couldn't tell whether he was being receptive or not, or even if he knew what I was saying. He usually at least understood what I meant, but he still didn't react. “I brought a carrot for you. I hope we can still be friends. I'm sorry for everything.” I offered the carrot, but it was quickly swatted away. “I should have expected that. Oh well,” I dismissed, ruffling the fur on his head with a claw. He flinched away, but it didn't help much for him. He simply smoothed his fur, shook his head and hopped away. I counted it as a win when he subtly grabbed the carrot, trying to hide the act from anyone watching.

I raised a claw to the door to knock and was met with a beaming yellow mare instead.

“I brought you flowers.”