A Pony Named 'You'

by Moowell

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1309

A short story in which You helps Twilight lose her ever-grammatical mind.

A short story in which You helps Twilight lose her ever-grammatical mind.

*****
Massive thanks to Level Dasher for stepping in and proofreading/editing! He pointed out a ton of little (and not-so-little) details that I missed, and I feel his efforts really put a coat of polish on the story.

Published 2014-11-08 03:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-08 03:50:06 UTC

At the Haybale

It is a beautiful day for eating lunch with friends. The sun is shining over azure skies. The birds are chirping and warbling happily. Vendors are hawking their wares in the marketplace. And Twilight Sparkle is sitting across from Pinkie Pie at the Haybale, enjoying a delicious veggie burger with a sizable stack of hayfries. There is one thing that piques her curiosity, though.

The third seat at their table has yet to be filled. "Pinkie, you did say somepony else was coming, didn't you?"

"Yep!" replies the pink mare as she buries her face into her fries. "He should be here aaaaaaaany minute now!"

Twilight glances around. A few moments later, her breath stops short. A strikingly handsome pegasus is making his way toward them. Those elegant, well-placed steps. That glossy blue coat. Those expertly preened wings! His bright yellow eyes, mirrors of the sun in all its glory. The way his azure mane flows with the gentle breeze, almost as though a piece of the sky itself has deigned to come to the earth and grace her with its presence.

"Pardon me for the intrusion." That voice! As deep as Big Mac's, but as eloquent as the most elite of Canterlot's nobles. Twilight's wings flutter subtly. "This establishment's reputation must indeed be well-founded, for there is not an available seat except for at this table. I do not wish to impose, but would you lovely young ladies allow me the honor of dining with you?"

"Ah— Er, I— Oh, you..." Twilight stammers. He smiles at her, and her heart nearly leaps out of her chest.

"And sometimes Y. Language is a fascinating thing, is it not?"

Pinkie quickly throws out a hoof to keep Twilight from swooning. "I think that's a yes, and I agree! Welcome to Ponyville! I'm Pinkie Pie, and this is Twilight Sparkle. What's your name?"

He chuckles again as Twilight rights herself in her seat. "It is good to meet you, Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie, though sadly you are misinformed, for my name is not What." He places a hoof to his chest and closes his eyes, bowing his head slightly. "I am You."

Twilight does a double-take. "I beg your pardon?"

"You're not me, silly," Pinkie giggles. "I'm me! And you're you!"

A look of shock and appallment mars You's face. "Yes, I am indeed You, and I am terribly sorry, Me! Under all that pink, and the way you said your name was Pinkie Pie, I didn't recognize you."

"I am Pinkie Pie!"

"She is Pinkie Pie."

You looks at Pinkie and shakes his head. "I am dreadfully confused. For clarification, you are Pinkie Pie, and not Me?"

"That's right!" she replies with a bob.

"Excellent! It is good to meet you, Pinkie Pie," You says with a bow. He then turns to Twilight. "And you! You who carry yourself with the grace of nobles, your name is Twilight Sparkle?"

"Th-that's right," she replies, her blush returning.

He bows his head again with a smile. "It pleases me to make your acquaintance, Miss Sparkle."

"Th-thank you." She giggles internally. "Now, what did you say your name was?"

You furrows his brow. "Why do you refer to me in the third person? Is that a custom here in Ponyville? And did you not just answer your own question?"

Twilight's giggles stop short. "I'm sorry?"

"When you asked what my name was, you referred to me as 'You' and then queried about my name." You hums to himself, a hoof at his chin. "A most peculiar practice."

It is Twilight's turn to furrow her brow. "It isn't a strange practice to ask somepony their name..."

"That much is true," You agrees. "But to ask somepony their name while saying their name in the same sentence does not make much sense to me."

"Ooooooooooh! I get it! You are You!" Pinkie announces.

"You are correct, but again you refer to me formally in the third-person." He smiles. "Since you both insist on doing so, You shall do the same! It will be a challenge You has never undertaken before, but You believes You will be able to manage. However, Pinkie should work on Pinkie's grammar."

"What?" Twilight asks, baffled by the increasingly strange stallion. "Not to mention your grammar, but I didn't see anything wrong with Pinkie's, and I should know. I'm a librarian!"

"Then Twilight should know about subject-verb agreement, and that the word 'are' is not proper when addressing singular names. The phrase should have been 'You is You'."

"What?!" Twilight stares at him, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

Before Twilight can continue, the waitress appears. "Good afternoon, sir! What will you be having today?"

You looks up at her with a smile. "You will be having Haybale's signature sandwich and a stack of its best hayfries, please."

The waitress smiles back at him. "I'm sorry, but staff aren't allowed to accept gifts from patrons. However, the patrons may order a meal from the staff. What would you like?"

"You has already told Waitress You's order. May You also have a small glass of water with the meal?" She blinks at him for a moment before shaking her head and scribbling on her pad.

"So, a signature sandwich, hayfries, and a small water. Anything else?"

"Yes. May You have it to go?"

"Got it. I'll be back shortly with your meal."

"You thanks Waitress." He smiles and bows to her, and she quickly walks to the back with more than one odd glance over her shoulder.

With the waitress gone, Twilight picks up where she left off. "How can you possibly say that as a student of language?!"

"With all seriousness, Twilight. When addressing proper nouns that are singular, the correct 'be' verb is 'is', not 'are'. Surely Twilight knows that?"

"Of course I do!" she huffs.

You closes his eyes sagely. "Then Twilight cannot deny that Pinkie should have said 'You is You' when addressing You."

Twilight’s teeth grind together like nails on a chalkboard. "Your argument isn't valid with the point you're trying to make! You're trying to put the be-verb 'is' with a second-person pronoun, and that isn't grammatical at all!"

"My dear Twilight, You is beginning to doubt Twilight's qualifications. You's point is most certainly in agreement with You's argument."

"You keep doing it! And 'you's' isn't even a word! The possessive of 'you' is 'your'!" Twilight shouts, her voice rising in pitch.

"Twilight Sparkle," You says patiently. "Names of nouns are always considered third-person, not second-person, and thus take the third-person be-verb."

"That's true, but you never said a name! You've only ever said 'you', which is a pronoun!" Twilight yells, nearly in hysterics.

"You has been saying You's name this entire time!"

Twilight twitches as the gears in her head grind to a halt. One lone purple mechanic starts sifting through the cogs, tossing away grime and broken bits of brainstuff until it finds a small, intact piece that is out of position ever so slightly. It moves the piece a hoof-length over and taps it into place, then goes back to Twilight's control center and hits the big green button to make things go again. "...Your name is You."

"You has been trying to tell Twilight that for a while now. You can't imagine the difficulty of learning a single-syllable name, or how hard it is for some ponies to grasp basic concepts like subject-verb agreement." The waitress returns with You's bag, so he pays her the requisite bits and smiles as she leaves. "Now then, You has enjoyed delving into Equestrian language with Twilight, but You must be going now. Good day, Miss Twilight. Pinkie Pie." You bows courteously before grabbing his bag and trotting away, leaving Twilight and Pinkie alone.

"You's such a gentlecolt!" Pinkie chirps. "Wouldn't you agree, Twilight?"