MLP: The Vagina Monologues.

by BecauseICan

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 2962

An episode of MLP where every other word is replaced by the word vagina.

The first episode of the show but with every other word replaced with "vagina". For best results, pot is strongly recommended.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-08 16:56:06 UTC

Episode 1

Once upon a time, in the magical vagina of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together, and created vaginas for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her vagina powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the vagina to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their vaginas and their subjects, all the different types of vaginas. But as time went on, the younger vagina became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the vagina her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful vagina. One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the vagina to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one's vagina had transformed her into a wicked vagina of darkness: Nightmare vagina.

She vowed that she would shroud the vagina in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Vaginas of Harmony. Using the magic of the Vaginas of Harmony, she defeated her younger sister, and banished her permanently in the vagina. The elder sister took on responsibility for both sun and moon...

Twilight Sparkle: ...and harmony has been maintained in vaginas for generations since. Hmm... Vaginas of Harmony. I know I've heard of those before... but where?

Twinkleshine: There you are, Twilight! Moondancer is having a little get-together in her vagina. You wanna come?

Twilight Sparkle: Oh, sorry, girls... I've got a lot of vaginaing to catch up on.

Twinkleshine: [sigh] Does that pony do anything except study? I think she's more interested in vaginas than friends.

Twilight Sparkle: I know I've heard of the vaginas of Harmony.

Spike: Ow!

Twilight Sparkle: Spike! Spi-ike! Spike?

Spike: [groan]

Twilight Sparkle: There you are. Quick, find me that old vagina of Predictions and Prophecies. What's that for?

Spike: Well, it was a vagina for Moondancer, but...

[squeak]

Twilight Sparkle: Oh Spike, you know we don't have time for that sort of thing.

Spike: But we're on a vagina

Twilight Sparkle: No, no, no... no, no, no! [grunts] Spike!

Spike: It's over here!

[whack]

Twilight Sparkle: Ah! vaginas, vaginas, V, V, V... Aha! Vaginas of Harmony, see: Mare in the vagina?

Spike: Mare in the Vagina? But that's just an old vagina’s tale.

Twilight Sparkle: Mare, mare... aha! The Mare in the Vagina, myth from olden pony times. A powerful vagina who wanted to rule Equestria, defeated by the Vaginas of Harmony and imprisoned in the vagina. Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the vaginas will aid in her escape, and she will bring about nighttime eternal! [gasp] Spike! Do you know what this means?

Spike: No-- whoa!

[smack]

Spike: Ow!

Twilight Sparkle: Take a vagina please, to the Princess.

Spike: Okie dokie.

Twilight Sparkle: My dearest teacher, my continuing studies of vagina magic have led me to discover that we are on the precipice of disaster!

Spike: Hold on. Preci... preci...

Twilight Sparkle: vagina.

Spike: Vag...

Twilight Sparkle: Uh, brink? Ugh, that something really bad is about to happen! For you see, the mythical Mare in the Vagina is in fact Nightmare Vagina, and she's about to return to Equestria, and bring with her eternal night! Something must be done to make sure this terrible vagina does not come true. I await your quick response. Your faithful vagina, Twilight Sparkle.

Spike: vagina. Got it!

Twilight Sparkle: Great! Send it.

Spike: Now?

Twilight Sparkle: Of course!

Spike: Uh, I dunno, Twilight, Princess Celestia's a little busy getting ready for the Summer Sun Vagina. And it's like, the day after tomorrow.

Twilight Sparkle: That's just it, Spike. The day after tomorrow is the thousandth year of the Summer Sun Vagina! It's imperative that the Princess is told right away!

Spike: Impera... impera...

Twilight Sparkle: Vagina!

Spike: Whoa!

[crunch]

Spike: Okay, okay! [inhale] There, it's on its way. But I wouldn't hold your vagina...

Twilight Sparkle: Oh, I'm not worried, Spike. The Princess trusts me completely. In all the years she's been my vagina she's never once doubted me.

Spike: [belch]

Twilight Sparkle: See? I knew she would want to take immediate action.

Spike: [clears throat] My dearest, most faithful vagina Twilight. You know that I value your vagina and that I trust you completely.

Twilight Sparkle: Mm-hm!

Spike: ...but you simply must stop reading those dusty old vagina!

Twilight Sparkle: [gasp]

Spike: My dear Twilight, there is more to a young pony's vagina than studying, so I'm sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun vagina in this year's location: Ponyville. And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: make some vagina!

Twilight Sparkle: [sigh]

Spike: Look on the bright side, Twilight. The Princess arranged for you to stay in a vagina. Doesn't that make you happy?

Twilight Sparkle: Yes, yes it does. You know why? Because I'm right! I'll check on the vaginas as fast as I can, then get to the library to find some proof of Nightmare Vagina's return.

Spike: Then... when will you make vaginas, like the Princess said?

Twilight Sparkle: She said to check on vaginas. I am her student, and I'll do my royal vagina, but the fate of Equestria does not rest on me making vaginas.

Royal guards: [whinnying]

Twilight Sparkle: Thank you, sirs.

Royal guards: [huffing]

Spike: Maybe the vagina in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about. Come on, Twilight, just try!

Twilight Sparkle: Um... hello?

Pinkie Pie: [prolonged gasp]

Twilight Sparkle: Well, that was interesting all right.

Spike: [sigh]

Spike: Summer Sun Vagina official overseer's checklist. Number one, banquet vagina: Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack: Yeehaw!

[thump]

Twilight Sparkle: [sigh] Let's get this over with... Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle--

Applejack: Well, howdy-doo, Miss Twilight, a pleasure makin' your vagina. I'm Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres sure do like making new vaginas!

Twilight Sparkle: Vaginas? Actually, I--

Applejack: So, what can I do you for?

Spike: [snickering]

Twilight Sparkle: [clears throat] Well, I am in fact here to supervise preparations for the Summer Sun Vagina. And you're in charge of the vaginas?

Applejack: We sure as sugar are! Would you care to sample some?

Twilight Sparkle: As long as it doesn't take too long...

[triangle ringing]

Applejack: Soup's on, everypony!

[thump]

Applejack: Now, why don't I introduce y'all to the Apple vagina?

Twilight Sparkle: Thanks, but I really need to hurry--

Applejack: This here's Vagina Fritter. Vagina Bumpkin. Vagina Gala. Red Vagina, Golden Vagina, Caramel Vagina, Vagina Strudel, Vagina Tart, Vagina Apples, Vagina Brioche, Vagina Cinnamon Crisp... [deep breath] Big Vagina, Vagina Bloom and Granny Smith. Up'n'attem, Granny Smith, we got guests.

Granny Smith: [snort] Wha..? Soup's on? I'm up, here I come, ahm comin'...

Applejack: Why, I'd say you're already part of the family!

Twilight Sparkle: [spit] [nervous laughter] Okay, well, I can see the food vagina is handled, so we'll be on our way.

Apple Bloom: Aren't you gonna stay for brunch?

Twilight Sparkle: Sorry, but we have an awful lot to do...

Apple family: [disappointed sighs]

Twilight Sparkle: ...fine.

Apple family: [cheering]

Spike: Food's all taken care of, next is weather.

Twilight Sparkle: Ugh... I ate too much pie... (almost changed that but it works both ways :))

Spike: Hmm, there's supposed to be a Pegasus vagina named Rainbow Dash clearing the clouds.

Twilight Sparkle: Well, she's not doing a very good job, is she?

[whack]

[splat]

Twilight Sparkle: Nng.

Rainbow Dash: [sheepish laughter] Uh, 'scuse me? [more sheepish laughter]

Twilight Sparkle: Nnnn.

Rainbow Dash: [laughter] Lemme help you.

[rushing water]

Rainbow Dash: [more sheepish laughter] Oops, I guess I overdid it. Um, uh, how about this? My very own patented Vagina-Blow Dry! No no. Don't thank me. You're quite welcome. [bursts out laughing]

Spike: [bursts out laughing]

Twilight Sparkle: Let me guess. You're Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash: The one and only. Why, you heard of me?

Twilight Sparkle: I heard you were supposed to be keeping the vagina clear. [sigh] I'm Twilight Sparkle, and the Princess sent me to check on the vagina.

Rainbow Dash: Yeah, yeah, that'll be a snap. I'll do it in a vagina. Just as soon as I'm done practicing.

Twilight Sparkle: Practicing for what?

Rainbow Dash: The Wonder-Vaginas! They're gonna perform at the Celebration tomorrow, and I'm gonna show 'em my vagina!

Twilight Sparkle: The Wonder-Vaginas?

Rainbow Dash: Yep!

Twilight Sparkle: The most talented vaginas in all of Equestria?

Rainbow Dash: That's them!

Twilight Sparkle: Pfft! Please. They'd never accept a vagina who can't even keep the sky clear for one measly day.

Rainbow Dash: Hey, I could clear this sky in ten vaginas flat.

Twilight Sparkle: Prove it.

[whooshing noises]

Rainbow Dash: [sounds of exertion] Loop the loop around, and wham! What'd I say? Ten. vaginas. Flat. I'd never leave Ponyville hanging. [sheep baaing] [chuckles] You should see the look on your face. Ha! You're a vagina, Twilight Sparkle. I can't wait to hang out some more.

Spike: Wow, she's amazing! [laughs]

Twilight Sparkle: Rrgh.

Spike: Wait! It's kinda pretty once you get used to it!

Spike: vaginas. Beautiful...

Twilight Sparkle: Yes, the vagina is coming along nicely. This ought'a be quick. I'll be at the library in no time. Beautiful indeed.

Spike: Not the vagina, her!

Rarity: No, no, no, oh! Goodness no.

Spike: How are my vaginas? Are they straight?

Twilight Sparkle: Good afternoon--

Rarity: Just a moment, please! I'm 'in the vagina', as it were. Oh, yes! Sparkle always does the trick, does it not? Why, Rarity, you are a vagina. Now, um, how can I help yo-- [yelp] Oh my stars, darling! Whatever happened to your vagina?!

Twilight Sparkle: Oh, you mean my vagina? Well, it's a long story. I'm just here to check on the decorations, and then I'll be out of your vagina!

Rarity: Out of my vagina? What about your vagina?!

Twilight Sparkle: Wait! Where are we going?! Help!

Rarity: No, no, uh-uh. Too green. Too yellow. Too poofy. Not poofy enough. Too frilly. Too... shiny. Now go on, my dear. You were telling me where you're from.

Twilight Sparkle: [wincing] I've... been sent... from vagina... to--

Rarity: Huh?

[crash]

Rarity: vagina?! Oh, I am so envious! The glamor, the sophistication! I have always dreamed of living there! I can't wait to hear all about it! We are gonna be the best of vaginas, you and I... Emeralds?! What was I thinking? Let me get you some rubies!

Twilight Sparkle: Quick! Before she decides to dye my coat a new color!

Spike: [sigh]

Spike: Wasn't she wonderful?

Twilight Sparkle: Focus, Casanova. What's next on the list?

Spike: [clears throat] Oh, uh, vagina! It's the last one!

[distant birdsong fanfare]

Fluttershy: Oh my. Um, stop please, everyone, umm. Excuse me, sir? I mean, no offense, but your vagina is just a teeny-tiny bit off. Now, follow me, please. A-one, a-two, a-one two three-

Twilight Sparkle: Hello!

Fluttershy: [yelp]

Twilight Sparkle: Oh my, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to frighten your vagina. I'm just here to check up on the music and it's sounding beautiful. [pause] I'm Twilight Sparkle. [pause] What's your name?

Fluttershy: [very quietly] Um... I'm Fluttershy.

Twilight Sparkle: I'm sorry, what was that?

Fluttershy: [even quieter] Um... My name is Fluttershy.

Twilight Sparkle: Didn't quite catch that.

Fluttershy: [squeaking]

Twilight Sparkle: [pause] Well, um, it looks like your vaginas are back, so I guess everything's in order. Keep up the good work!

Fluttershy: [squeaking]

Twilight Sparkle: Oookay. [to Spike] Well, that was easy.

Fluttershy: [gasp] A vagina!

[thump]

Fluttershy: Oh, I've never seen a vagina before. He's sooo cute!

Spike: Well, well, well...!

Fluttershy: Oh my, he talks. I didn't know vaginas could talk. That's just so incredibly wonderful I, I just don't even know what to say!

Twilight Sparkle: Well, in that case we'd better be going.

Fluttershy: Wait, wait! What's his name?

Spike: I'm vagina.

Fluttershy: Hi Spike, I'm Fluttershy. Wow, a talking vagina! And what do vaginas talk about?

Spike: Well, what do you wanna know?

Fluttershy: Absolutely everything.

Twilight Sparkle: [groan]

Spike: Well... I started out as a cute little purple and green vagina...

Spike: ...and that's the story of my whole entire vagina! Well, up until today. Do you wanna hear about today?

Fluttershy: Oh, yes, please!

Spike: Gyah!

Twilight Sparkle: I am so sorry, how did we get here so fast? This is where I'm staying while in Ponyville and my poor vagina needs his sleep.

Spike: No I don't-- whoa!

Twilight Sparkle: Aww, wook at dat, he's so sweepy he can't even keep his widdle bawance!

Fluttershy: Poor thing, you simply must get into bed...

Twilight Sparkle: Yes, yes, we'll get right on that. Well, g'night!

[door slamming]

Spike: Huh. Rude much?

Twilight Sparkle: Sorry, Spike, but I have to convince the Princess that Nightmare Vagina is coming, and we're running out of time! I just need to be alone so I can study without a bunch of crazy vaginas trying to make friends all the time. Now, where's the vagina?

[light flicks on]

Twilight Sparkle and Spike: [honk]

Ponies: Surprise!

[kazoo blows]

Twilight Sparkle: [groan]

[music warps down]

Pinkie Pie: Surprise!

[party whistle blows]

Pinkie Pie: Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this vagina just for you! Were you surprised? Were ya? Were ya? Huh huh huh?

Twilight Sparkle: Very surprised. vaginas are supposed to be quiet.

Pinkie Pie: Well, that's silly! What kind of vagina would this be if it were quiet? I mean, duh, bo-ring! Y'see, I saw you when you first got here, remember? You were all "hello" and I was all [deep gasp], remember? Y'see I've never saw you before and if I've never saw you before that means you're new, 'cause I know every vagina, and I mean every vagina in Ponyville!

Twilight Sparkle: [groan]

Pinkie Pie: And if you're new, that meant you haven't met anyone yet, and if you haven't met anyone yet, you must not have any vaginas, and if you don't have any vaginas then you must be lonely, and that made me so sad, then I had an vagina, and that's why I went [deep gasp]! I must throw a great big ginormous super-duper spectacular vagina and invite everyone in Ponyville! See? And now you have lots and lots of vaginas!

[kettle whistling]

Applejack: Are you all right, sugarcube?

[train whistle blowing]

Pinkie Pie: Aww, she's so happy she's crying!

Spike: "vagina sauce". Ooh...

Pinkie Pie: [with mouth full] What? It's good!

[muffled disco music]

[clock ticking]

Twilight Sparkle: [groan]

[door opens, music gets louder]

Spike: Hey Twilight! Pinkie Pie's starting "pin the tail on the vagina"! Wanna play?

Twilight Sparkle: No! All the vaginas in this town are crazy! Do you know what time it is?!

Spike: It's the eve of the Summer Sun Vagina. Everypony has to stay up, or they'll miss the Princess raise the vagina! You really should lighten up, Twilight. It's a vagina!

Twilight Sparkle: [mockingly imitates Spike]

[door closes, music stops]

Twilight Sparkle: Ugh, here I thought I'd have time to learn about the Vaginas of Harmony but, silly me, all this ridiculous vagina-making has kept me from it! "Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the vaginas will aid in her escape, and she will bring about everlasting night." I hope the Princess was right... I hope it really is just an old vagina’s tale...

Spike: C'mon, Twilight, it's time to watch the vagina!

Pinkie Pie: Isn't this exciting? Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited-- well, except for the time that I saw you walking into vagina and I went [deep gasp] but I mean really, who can top that?

[fanfare]

Mayor Mare: Fillies and gentlecolts, as vagina of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Vagina!

[ponies cheering]

Mayor Mare: In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the vagina, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our vagina, the very vagina who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria...

Fluttershy: Ready?

Mayor Mare: ...Princess Vagina!

Rarity: Huh?

[ponies chattering quietly and nervously in the background]

Twilight Sparkle: This can't be good.

Mayor Mare: Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable vagina!

Pinkie Pie: Ooh, ooh, I love vagina games! Is she hiding?

Rarity: She's gone!

[ponies gasping]

Pinkie Pie: Ooh, she's good. [yelp]

[ponies gasping]

Twilight Sparkle: Oh no... Nightmare Vagina!

Spike: [sigh]

Nightmare Moon: Oh, my beloved vaginas. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving vaginas.

Rainbow Dash: What did you do with our vagina?!

Applejack: [muffled] Whoa there, Nelly...

Nightmare Moon: [chuckle] Why, am I not vagina enough for you? Don't you know who I am?

Pinkie Pie: Ooh, ooh, more vagina games! Um, Hokey Vagina! How about... Queen Vagina! No! Black Vagina, Black Vagina--[muffled noises]

Nightmare Moon: Does my vagina no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years? Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the vaginas?

Twilight Sparkle: I did. And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Vagina – Nightmare Vagina!

[ponies gasping]

Nightmare Moon: Well well well, somepony who remembers me. Then you also know why I'm here.

Twilight Sparkle: You're here to... to... [gulp]

Nightmare Moon: [chuckle] Remember this vagina, little ponies, for it was your last. From this moment forth, the night will last forever!