Strange Royalty

by a guy with many hats

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human
Length: 1448

A psychotic turned mundane house-husband is forced to spend a day with a prince and a princess.

After everything, dying, reviving, coming to terms with who he was and who he wants to be, there remains one thing Able can't deal with. To his horror he's forced into the one position he can't escape. He has to take care of a friend's child, without flipping out.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-09 09:30:07 UTC

Is It Morning If It's Midnight?

"Did you cry?" Luna asked, walking with me down the hall. "I don't think I've ever seen you cry--"

I adjusted Dawn in her carrier, the stupid looking thing strapped to my chest. But, Dawn was sleeping like a stone, and it kept my hands free. "No...." I lied, not wanting to get harassed for showing emotion. Even when faced with the birth of my child, I felt a little wrong admitting I owned these fragile things called emotions. "Why are you asking me this now? We talked before."

Luna nodded, "Indeed, but in the months how often have you been away from Celestia?"

I shut my mouth, Dawn reaching an arm out and burbling. "...Don't start with me Luna." I pulled my hand up, letting my daughter play with my finger. The toddler already had a fascination with her own fingers, and it seemed it extended to my own. "You had two months, you could have--"

"Yes, but would you have actually spoken with me? You seemed a bit busy." She laughed, leading me down the halls. "Firstborns can be a bit frightening, cant they?"

I felt a lump settle in my gullet. "I watched a nuclear bomb go off, I've had mortar shells go off near my head, I've been covered in more body parts than a brothel owner, but this kid has nearly given me a heart attack three times." I laughed nervously. "Every time she's asleep...I keep worrying she's dead." My laugh petered out, Dawn's sweet voice perking up as I spoke. "...She knows we're talking about her." I pulled my hand away, planting my palm softly on her head. "Already got a full head of hair.... Must be a pony thing, right?"

Luna nodded, "Crescent was the same."

I stopped in the middle of the rather ornate hall, bat ponies slowly coming out to replace the normal ponies. "Hey Luna...you're...." I coughed roughly, digging my fingers into Dawn's soft hair. "I mean, Shank is a pony, but Crescent is--"

"Child of what you would call, concubinage." Luna stated, "It was a rather fragile time for me, and I acted hastily."

I bit my lip. "I won't bring it up." I rubbed Dawn's head, "How old is she now, like eight?"

Luna smiled at me. "Almost ten."

"Oh. I wasn't that far off." I tried to stretch, nearly forcing Dawn into the inside of my elbow. "Oh Christ- sorry baby." I adjusted her carrier, the stupid looking contraption annoyingly large on my chest. "Does this thing look stupid? I feel fu- fu-fu--" I stopped myself, getting a weird look from Luna. "I swear like a sailor...doesn't mean she has to."

Luna smiled, "It's difficult, isn't it?"

I let out a long groan. "It's not too bad. I'm still mean, just don't want to get her started too young. Maybe when she's older, not so impressionable."

Luna shook her head. "I meant changing your way of speaking."

"Oh fuck ye--" I stopped, snapping my head straight. "... Yes, it's really, really difficult."

Luna chuckled. "Is that why you don't go out much?"

I shrugged. "I never got out much before I came here, after I came here isn't going to be much different." I turned down the hall, continuing on. "Hey Luna, did you breast feed?"

Luna shook her head, slowly overtaking me on our walk towards Crescent's room. "I had a wet nurse, human."

I bit a small cut on the inside of my lip, the pain sharp but pleasantly itchy. "Hey Luna, do you like...." I scratched my neck, "Like, I'm okay saying this now, but ponies just don't really do it for me." I kicked at the floor, forcing my boots to click off the stone. "I'll always love Celestia, and I know what she looks like as a human, it just kinda makes me sad she's not like that permanently." I looked out a large stained window. "She was really damn hot."

"It's often a shame those we find attractive are unavailable." Luna noted, pulling off a solid closed-eyed nod. "But, it does seem a minor thing."

I stared at her, Dawn grabbing at my hand and cooing. "Luna are you hitting on me?"

Luna's eyes darted open, "I'm sorry!?"

"Oh thank god." I yelped, "Had me worried--"

Luna shook her head. "Oh no, I was thinking of a griffon I once knew!" She seemed about as panicked as I felt. "I'm so sorry--"

"No no, that was my fault." I leaned my arm against the glass, Dawn's arms flailing at her sides in that peculiar way toddlers reached, bent arms and shakily. "Something about attractiveness, just, had me confused."

Luna shook her head, starting off towards the end of the hall. Her hooves clicked loudly against the stonework. "No, I'm quite happy with Shank, merely stating something I felt at one time. I thought it might help you."

I followed Luna to a small door, watching as she nudged the door open. "No I get it."

Luna nodded, "Crescent? He--"

"Hi mom!" A deep but extremely sharp voice cried out from behind a short wall. Crescent tore around the wall of the multi-roomed den. "Oh- hi uncle!"

"Hey kid." I mumbled, not really comfortable with the child yet. "How are ya?"

The rib height satyr ran into me, her arms wrapping around my waist. "Awesome! Did you watch Harlow in Trottingham this week!?"

I lifted Dawn up slightly, "Sorry kid, I don't want cartoons."

Luna coughed softly, "Crescent, Shank and I are going to take care of something in Transylmania. Able is going to keep you company while we're away. Alright?"

Crescent let out a shrill scream, I snapped my hands against Dawn's ears, weathering the painful shriek on my own. "Awesome!"

"Fuc-cle...foockle. Kid, you're giving me way to much credit here!" I stepped back, Crescent hanging off me as I did. "Luna, what did you tell her?!"

Luna chuckled softly, "I told her the truth, nothing more."

"Are we gonna shoot something? Oh- we could- woods!? You wanna go into the woods?!" Crescent begged, refusing to leg go as I tried to back away. "Come on! Let's do something cool!"

"Luna why?!" I shouted, backing into a wall and slowly sliding down. "Why!?"

Luna smiled at me as she walked to the door. "Enjoy your time together!" She slid out the door. "I'll bring something back for you."

Crescent remained attach to me. "Able, can we go- I wanna go talk to Celestia!"

"She's asleep kid!" I yelped, watching as she nuzzled Dawn's belly. "Careful, she's a bit little to be doing that!"

"We could- we--" Crescent was cut short as her stomach rumbled, "Able?"

"Yeah--"

"I'm hungry." Crescent stated, pushing off my gut and knocking my wind out. "Let's go get breakfast!"

I held my gut, "It's eight at night...." I pet Dawn's head. "Oh god...we're gonna be in for a long night girly."

"Aah?" Dawn asked, her voice making my stomach hurt a little less.

"Exactly." I enjoyed talking to her, it felt nice and I couldn't help but feel it would make her smarter. "Eh, you can eat." I sighed, "All you ever do...sleep, eat and poop." I got to my feet, looking around the strange room. Terraces backed with walls lead down into a short floor with carpets and pillows strewn everywhere, and a large TV posted in the wall behind it.

I grabbed Dawn's hooves, ticking her under hoof as I looked around. "Huh...I expected more moon stuff." Dawn kicked at my hand, bouncing in her harness. "I wonder if she eats pony food. God I hope not." I turned to the door, "Can't stand lettuce, can we?"

Dawn just wiggled her arms and kicked her hooves. Her tail got caught between my legs as I started walking. "Kid- come on--" I spread my legs, trying to get her tail free. "Kid stop- Dawn stop!" I kicked and shimmied, "Fine, you can skip dinner- breakfast-- augh!" I snapped, getting fed up with the strange child. "Pony genes! Damn pony genes, no human would be this difficult!"

"Liar!" A passing maid jeered, flying past. I had acquired a rather salty relationship with the castle staff.

"I'll piss in your cereal!" I shouted, taking two steps after the pegasus before feeling Dawn's tail between my legs. "Seriously? Let me have my rage, you're too young to be--" Dawn grabbed my finger, pulling it to her mouth and stuffing my index finger into her maw. "... Damn kid." I turned towards the kitchen. "Already with the guilt trip. You're just going to be a giant pisser when you grow up."