A Report On The Declining Standards Of Twilight's Fur

by sunnypack

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1118

Twilight has nice fur. I know, I've felt it. It also tastes nice. I know, I've tasted it. You know me right? I'm a master of licking.

I've been what you might call a licking connoisseur for a while now. Some ponies can accept that, some don't. I don't care, I do what I do because it's a part of who I am. Twilight? She's my friend, I haven't seen her in a while and my uncontrollable urge to lick her is rising...

Twilight, why do they call it fur, when it's hair? Why do you call it hair, when it's like fur?

Doesn't matter, it tastes the same.

Edited by Word Worthy!

Published 2014-11-09 15:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-09 15:10:01 UTC

1 - Lick Stick

Licking ponies is generally considered a bad thing to do. It is impolite, it is improper and it is also indecent, depending on the situation. I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of licking.

Firstly, it has to be considered strange. Licking your lips is a well-established and acceptable practice among most members of society. Sure there are instances where an individual may lick their lips and it may send a wrong message, but it hardly flies in the face of social norms.

Secondly, it has to have the right texture. Sometimes when I lick something, it feels wrong, it feels off and I never lick it ever again. I’ve had some pretty bad experiences with things I’ve licked in the past. I won’t repeat them ever again.

Lastly, most importantly, it has to hold a certain significance to me. Things that I lick can’t just be anything. They either have to be something I see regularly, so I get curious. Maybe it’s something of sentimental value, so I do it for a sense of nostalgia. Or maybe… it’s a friend and I’m just so happy to see them I can’t help myself.

The thing about licking ponies is that you really need a good reason. Also, you need a good target. I chose Twilight because her fur, well it's technically hair but I like to refer to it as fur, has quite the interesting phenomenon associated with its hairiness.

I don’t know if you’ve seen Twilight’s hair, but it has the oddest habit of staying infuriatingly perfect. Her hair stays so upright and straight and proud, it takes every ounce of my strength not to lick it back down and muss it all up. I refrain from doing that because I’m an artist, I felt that the time was not right. My licking had to be legendary. My licking will be the lick that pierces the heavens. My lick will be licking where no lick has ever gone before. My lick will be the stuff of legends. My lick will be legion.

Also, whenever I see Twilight, she’s been dismissive of me. I needed to give her a thorough reminder that I exist.

I know what I do sometimes disgusts other ponies but that’s no reason to avoid a friend! Just because of who I am I’m already relegated to sleeping outside, away from the hearths and hearts of other ponies. If I plead hard enough, sometimes Applejack is kind enough to let me into her home. She’s uncomfortable with me there for long periods of times, but that’s understandable. Twilight and the others foist the responsibility onto Applejack, as if to keep me as far away from their homes as possible. I get it, sometimes it’s hard to bond with a dedicated licker like me.

Still, they’re all kind when it matters. During the day, when I visit and walk around Ponyville, ponies greet me friendly-enough. If I get too close and Applejack isn’t nearby, they get nervous. I guess Applejack is the only one that the others feel comfortable enough leading me around. It’s a shame because I’m always out there to meet new friends. I know my licking is a habit that’s not easy to get rid of, but I’m kind of proud of it and if they can’t accept that part of me, well… I’m at a loss at how I could get around that.

I get some uncomfortable looks when I’m in the middle of a dedicated licking session. Many ponies have different reactions. Some laugh, some blush, and some back away to a relatively safe distance. They all come around though. I’m just that good.

Today, I saw Twilight. She looked different. It took me a while to register that she had gotten wings. I was excited! Ecstatic! What would her wings taste like? I reigned in my excitement, turning it down a notch. It was difficult, I wasn’t used to toning down my fervour to spread the greatness of my licking legacy, but I did it, because victory would taste all the sweeter for it.

It took some time. I had to finish my job. It was hard labour but I stuck it out, dreaming of the time I would accomplish my ultimate salivatory feat. Eventually, the day came and the opportunity presented itself quite literally in front of me.

At first I was shocked. Twilight had crash landed in front of me. There was a horrible moment where I feared she had perished. Concerned, I padded over and examined her. She groaned and I heaved a sigh of relief. It won’t do if she were gone. It wouldn’t do at all.

She was deliciously vulnerable though, I gave a hearty grin as I realised she was too weak to move. Giddy she was alive and dumbstruck with joy that this circumstance had come about, I did the only thing that was on my mind at the very start. I licked her right on her matted cheek.

I couldn’t help it.

I frowned. This wasn’t right, it tasted a little bitter. I couldn’t have that.

At first, she gasped and tried to push me away. They all do that, in the beginning. My happiness dissolved into determination. I gave her a lick on the cheek. She shied away but her hooves had not the power to turn me away. I gave her a lick on the other cheek. Twilight tried to get to her hooves. I growled and tackled her back down.

With a surprised ‘oof’ the purple mare was knocked back on her back as I got to work. I licked her face, I licked the back of her head. I nibbled at wing playfully and I took a deep sniff of her coat. I licked until all the salty bitterness was gone. I liked that. The bitterness was wrong. Eventually, Twilight just gave up and she succumbed to my thorough ministration. By the end she was laughing and giggling.

After a while I relaxed and got off her. Twilight regarded me with a grateful smile. She gave me a pat on the head.

“Thanks Winona,” she parted, and with a powerful beat of her wings, she was gone.

I just smiled to myself. Licking can overcome anything.

Author's Note

This fic has a missing tag because it would spoil the story, sorry?

The main advice I give to my friends when they want advice is to lick it. This has resolved 100% of queries. Well, they said they never needed my help again, so it's effective, right?

Next Chapter: Maybe.

As always, my fairly silent readers, thanks for reading!