Chester the Cynical Adult goes to Ponyville

by Bandy

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 7812

Read the title, you dummies.

Chester the Cynical Adult is transported to Equestria by Twilight Sparkle, where he wreaks havoc on the poor unicorn and her Celestial teacher.

Warning: This story may offend the following:
-Most human in Equestria writers
-All printed forms of literature
-Hasbro
-Spammers
-Paypal customer service
-the homeless
-cute puppies
-Handegg place kickers
-Fans of Titanic
-Leroy Jenkins
-Of Monsters and Men
-Big Joe Turner
-Ponyfall Collaborators
-seismologists
-Ballerinas
-The Army
-Gay people
-Anybody who’s actually named Chester
-Gay people again
-The Arctic monkeys
-Duck tape
-Taser Victims
-Killjoy (Author of Three of Me: School Society)
-The creators of DBZ: Abridged
-The moon
-Homestarrunner
-Salsa dancers

Published 2012-05-14 00:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-15 17:09:45 UTC

Obsidian of Borg is a stupid Name

The portal in Twilight's room had begun to shake. Well, the portal itself didn't shake at all; it remained as still as a statue throughout the entire ordeal. The space around it, however, began to shake, rattle and roll like it was in the epicenter of an earthquake. The entire structure around Twilight groaned under the shock, threatening to tumble down at any moment.

But at last, after what had seemed like an eternity of waiting, something finally happened. The portal turned a spectral rainbow of colors, dispelling the shadows that resided in the dimly lit room. The mouth of the vortex pitched and yawed wildly as if something was inside if it, trying to burst out. For some unknown reason, Twilight smelled the vague aroma of chocolate fudge. She levitated a scroll over and made a quick note of it.

Pinkie Pie smiled broadly, bringing a fourth tray of fudge out of the oven. The breeze carried away the heavenly scent through several open windows placed in the kitchen of Sugarcube corner.

"Mmm..." pinkie took in the smell before it was stolen greedily by the breeze and taken away to some other part of Ponyville. "It always smells best when it's right out of the oven!"

The portal had become erratic, spitting out massive amounts of colored lightning. Twilight yelped as a brilliant green bolt shot past her head, leaving her ears ringing.

I wish whatever this thing was doing would just hurry up and do it already, she thought. The house can't take much more if this.

As if taking a cue from her thoughts, the portal gave a final, massive belch and exploded, spitting out some large, fleshy mass from within before collapsing in on itself and dissipating, leaving a dazed unicorn and a half-broken tree house in its wake.

And, of course, the large ape-like thing on the ground that was currently screaming its head off. "KKKINSSSSS!" It sputtered before curling up into a ball and seizing up, spasms coursing through its slender muscles like an electric current.

For all her fancy vocabulary, Twilight just sat there, staring dumbstruck at the thing her portal had brought her. This thing, whatever it was, was from another dimension! What stories did it have? What amazing feats could it preform? Could it even speak Equestrian?

"*Cough*... Fuck that hurts..."

Well, that answered one question.

Forcing her hooves into motion, Twilight ran over to the limp form and kneeled beside it. Up close the thing was even larger, topping out at almost six feet tall. Its clothes, basic jeans and a dull green sweatshirt, were still smoldering from the transdimensional journey.

"Uh... Hello?" With the delicateness of a butterfly, Twilight laid a hoof on the creature's back.

Sensing something on its back, the thing shot upright and flailed about for a moment like her touch had shocked him. Finally, he stumbled to his feat, panting a bit. "Holy crap! That was the weirdest thing that's happened to me this week!" Though he spoke passively, his voice dripped malice like poison from a snake's fangs. "Shoot, someone shure opened a can of whoop-ass on this place," he grumbled, staring at the spectacular wreckage of Twilight's room.

As the thing looked around, Twilight summoned the courage to speak. "Uh... Hello?"

"Hey, what's up? I don't suppose you got dumped here by some swirly rainbow portal eithHOLY CRAP A TALKING HORSE!" Chester screamed as he scrambled up onto a bookshelf, clinging to the downed shelf with equal parts fear and confusion. On instinct, he picked up a splintered piece of wood and held it like a sword, aiming the tip at the thoroughly confused Twilight Sparkle.

"Are you a monster? Am I dead?" He groaned. "That's it. I died and went to hell. That's why everything here is all sunshine and rainbows. Stupid!" He reprimanded himself with a slap upside the head, the dull thwack echoing through the torn apart library.

"Actually, you're not dead. I finally was able to make an inter-dimensional portal, and transport-"

"Wait wait wait..." Chester cut her off, waving the stick wildly as he spoke. "So, I'm not dead?"

"No."

"An I'm not just hallucinating?"

"No."

Apprehension got the better of him, and he began poking Twilight with the stick (much to the unicorn's annoyance). "Are you sure? I'm taking to a purple horse after being sucked through a rainbow portal. This just screams 'drug trip', if ask me."

"I can assure you that this is real. And stop poking me." She moved out of poking range as she spoke and picked up several scrolls with her magic. "Now, I'd like to ask you some questions-"

"Ah, flying scrolls! Kill them with fire!" Chester panicked, throwing the stick at the "flying" scrolls and retreated behind the fallen bookshelves, scrambling to find another weapon.

It never occurred to Twilight that this thing had never seen magic before. By the time she realized it, Chester was already throwing books at her, screaming blindly as he pelted her with the best of Ponyville's literature. "Hey, stop that! It's just magic!"

The barrage stopped. Chester poked his head out from his impromptu fort, glaring at Twilight apprehensively. "Magic?"

"Magic."

Chester snorted, pointing derisively at Twilight. "Magic is gay. You're gay."

"I'm not gay, though. What does that even have to do with-"

"Gay," spat Chester.

"How can magic have a sexual orientation? That's not physically possible, let alone-"

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Chester purposely drew the word out, interrupting Twilight in the rudest possible manor.
With a huff, Twilight threw the parchment onto the remaining upright table. "Well fine! We'll just do that later! In the meantime, I better write to the princess about this. This discovery could change the world! I just need to-"
She turned around, eyeing the human with the tiniest hint of disdain. "-warn her about his behavior."
Chester just grinned stupidly, flashing his pearly whites in a mangled troll face.

She ran a hoof through her mane, sighing inwardly. I thought this was going to be a great adventure! This... Thing is ruining the whole experience!

"So... What can I call you?" Twilight forced a cheesy smile at the thing as it reclined on a scattered pile of books in the corner.

"I'm Chester."

"Ok... Chester. I'm Twilight Sparkle-"

If Chester had been drinking something he would have spit it out violently. "Wait... you're name's Twilight Sparkle?"

"Uh... yes?"

He guffawed in her face. "Ha! That's got to be the stupidest name I've ever heard!"

"Well, I-"

"No, wait. Don't tell me," he managed to choke out between gasping laughter, "next thing you know you'll be telling me that your name's something even stupider like "Obsidian of Borg," or something! Bua ha ha!"

As the human returned to his breathless state, tears of laughter spilling down his face, Twilight facehoofed. He's a real gem, she thought. I wonder if his special talent is begin a jerk..

She managed a weak, halfhearted smile at her own joke. "Yeah... ha ha. You wait right here. I need to go write a letter. I'll be right back." She gave him a deadly glare. "Don't go anywhere."

If looks could kill, Chester would already be in a box underground. But, being the jerk he was, he decided to retort with sarcasm. "Sure thing, miss bitchy talking boss horsey. Whatever you say!" He gave her a series of salutes followed by some less than appropriate gestures with his hand.

"Eugh," Twilight buried her face in her hooves for a moment, desperately trying to keep herself from throwing Chester out a window.

Calm down... Calm down... Just write the letter to Celestia. She'll know what to do about this.

Gay Horse Sandwiches

Well, finals are happening. But instead of studying for my English final, I wrote this. Because I'm an idiot.

"Wow. Just... Wow." Chester stared blankly at a pile of hay fries sitting in front of him. He spoke at the food like the thin strips of fried hay had just insulted his mother.

"Well, you wanted food, right? That's food." An obviously annoyed Twilight sat across from him.

"This is not food. This, my dear equine, is hay. I refuse to eat it." With this he promptly picked up the tray and threw it against tue wall, scattering the fries everywhere and leaving a deep grease stain on the point of impact. "Ba Ba bao!" He flexed in the wake of his miniature destructive rampage.

Twilight, however, was furious. "And why did you have to do that?"

He shrugged. "Why not?"

With an exasperated huff (one of many to be had today by the poor, poor unicorn), Twilight levitated a towel to the grease stain on the wall, silently praying for Celestia to get here and sort this whole mess out.

As luck would have it, she didn't have to wait long. A quiet knock in her door heralded her teacher, a curious grin in her face and a royal guard on each side, flanking her just in case.

"Teacher."

"My dearest student."

They were well past the level of informality, and they immediately moved to embrace each other, warm smiles plastered across both their faces.

This was when Chester decided to pipe up.

"Oh my god, there is so much "gay horse" in the room that I could thinly slice it and put it into a sandwich. And you know what?" He stood up, easily dwarfing Twilight, and to a lesser extent, the princess. "It would taste terrible."

"So this must be the thing that you brought into existence with your trans-dimensional portal." Celestia shot Twilight a scolding look, causing the embarrassed unicorn to shrink away sporting a furious blush. "Twilight, once this-" she waved a regal hoof at Chester, "has been sorted out, I'd like to sit down and have a talk on proper use of your magical powers."

"But princess, I was only doing this because you told me to!"

Celestia smiled ironically, recalling her sister's grave warning only a short while ago. She could almost hear Luna's impending I told you so in her mind. "I know, Twilight. I just want to be sure that you know fully the expanse of your powers so that an incident like this won't happen again."

Celestia's tone was harsh, yet fair. "Ok... But for the love of Pete, can we do something about him?" She gestured to Chester, was was at this point well aware of their negative tones toward him.

"Hey, I'm right here you know. And my name's not Pete, it's Chester."

"Ah, I can see why you're troubled, Twilight." Celestia walked over to Chester, circling him, eyeing him with a scientific glance. "This human seems very... mean spirited."

"To that, dear pony, I reply: Fuck you." While Twilight recoiled at the senseless vulgarity, the princess stood her ground, not so much as batting an eye at the curse.

"Case in point. He's-"

"Your voice irks me greatly. Stop talking." Chester spat to the princess.

"Perhaps he's just trying to make himself feel better about some inadequacy-"

"If you don't stop talking, I will buy you a puppy, wait for you to fall in love with it, then murder it in front of you."

Now even Celestia was taken aback at his threat. "Surely, you wouldn't think to-"

"Show me the nearest pet store and we'll find out."

"Just let me finish!" Celestia's composure was a sail, slowly shredding in the storm of Chester's hurtful words.

"Nope. Speak again and I'll cum in your hair. I swear I will."

"That's it." With a burst from her horn, Celestia conjured up a roll of duck tape. Before Chester could run, she had swiftly clamped his mouth shut with a self satisfied huff. Chester fought valiantly against his oral bonds, but was simply no match for the magically strengthened adhesive.

As he began to roll around on the floor, muffled screams coming from his sealed lips, Celestia turned to Twilight. A grave look fell upon her face as she faced her student.

"Twilight, this is far worse than I could have anticipated."

"Oh no. What is it?" Twilight, for all her academic insight, had absolutely no idea what was going on.

"I'm afraid that that thing, Chester, may be far more powerful than any of us could hope to become in a thousand lifetimes. I can feel his power, Twilight." The princess shuddered as if a cold breeze had just ran over he neck. "The pure malice and hatred inside if him... It would be enough to match my own powers a hundredfold."

"Wait, how could that," she pointed to the pathetic mess on the floor trying futilely to remove his bonds, "be more powerful than you? It just doesn't seem logical."

"I know... I know. But I have seen into his soul, and there is nothing but pure madness. He has been completely corrupted by evil. He used hatred to give him strength, and now he's become impossibly powerful." Sh sighed warily, as the situation was slowly sucking the life out of her. "I only pray he doesn't know how to control it."

"So," Twilight began, "at any time, he could use the powers of hatred to overpower us?"

"Yes."

For a moment, Twilight thought she was about to be sick. "How... How could he possibly have become that spiteful? It just doesn't make sense..."

"Chaos in its purest form need not make sense, only chaos," Celestia echoed. "We need to get him back to his own world before he destroys ours, and the sooner, the better."

She turned to Twilight, who was still looking a bit dumbstruck at the drastic turn of events. "Now Twilight, it's imperative that you send him-" Celestia's gaze fell on a blushing Twilight, sheepishly distancing herself from her teacher. "You forgot the spell, didn't you?"

Twilight merely chuckled in response, levitating a book to her side as she did. "Would you care to start looking for a suitable spell, princess?"

A regal hoof smacked into Celestia's forehead, followed in rapid succession by a frustrated grunt. "What am I going to do do with you, Twilight?"

Chester tazes a bitch and looks at horse penises

"Is this the right spell?"

"No."

"How about this one?"

"No!"

"Well what about this-"

"Chester, I swear to Celestia if you don't stop I will - I will - Augh!"

Twilight eagerly slammed her face into the desk, impaling the oak table and the book that was on it. Celestia, who was tearing through books at a slightly faster pace than her lavender student, turned a tired eye to the antics.

"Twilight, just forget about him. We need to focus on finding this spell." Her voice was strained, the obvious side effect of a rushed study session with Twilight and Chester.

Chester wasn't really helping, though. He had long ago disregarded the sizable pile of books at his feet (because, as he said, "Books are really, really gay."), instead opting to badger his study buddies incessantly as they tried to find the right combination of spells that would send him back to earth.

Twilight couldn't wait for the glorious moment that Chester went back to his own world, never to return.

This whole debacle has been absolutely awful, she thought as she encapsulated another stack of dusty, musty spell books in a magical glow, levitating them to her side. As soon as the books thudded onto the table she began to devour them, dragging her eyes across the various pages with strained vigor.

As time wore on, though, her vigor began to wane, slowly melting away like butter in a hot pan. With a thunk, her head slid down onto the table and gently came to rest against the still sizable pile of tomes next to her.

The princess was faring no better. Although she was still searching through books at a considerable pace, the signs of fatigue showed on her features. Dark bags outlined by her pristine white fur sat complacently under her eyes. Every so often, she would let out a stifled yawn. She hardly looked regal in this state.

Chester didn't exactly make things easier, either.

"Hey, come on you slowpokes! I don't want to stay in gay ponyland forever!"

His shouts fell on deaf ears as Twilight allowed her mind to slip into sleep. A short power nap, she thought. That's all I need. Just a quick-

BA-ZAP! Click-click-click-click-click-click

The pain was indescribable, a resounding blast of pure hurt that threatened to send her into uncontrollable spasms. Electricity coursed through her veins, sending wild arcs of prickling voltage through her hooves. Her fur stood on end, and her mane exploded in a massive, frizzy tuft of hair.

Mercifully, the pain stopped after a few agonizing seconds. As Twilight collapsed onto the table, she noticed her mane was smoking. Several small, stray bolts of lightning arced out of her horn briefly before dying with a sputter.

"No rest, sleepy head!" Through a muddled haze of pain and electricity, she looked up to see Chester standing over her. He was twirling a tiny black box with two stubby prongs attached at the front in his hands. "Or do I have to taze you again?"

Twilight was about to respond, but she was silenced as the tired yet imposing shadow of Celestia crept behind Chester. In one swift motion, the goddess of the sun grabbed the box with her magic vice and crushed it, the resounding crunch echoing through the tree home.

"Aw, come on! Don't be that guy!" Chester's childlike pleas were lost on the solar deity as she wordlessly thrust a hoof at a large, unread pile of books.

The two stood there for a moment, mustering the most vile, despicable glares they could summon at each other, their stares so horrifying it made the very tree that they stood in shutter in fright.

Finally, Chester backed down. As he turned toward the books, he muttered something cold under his breath.

"Care to repeat that?" said Celestia.

"I said, 'You're a royal cunt muffi-"

WHAP

A rather large, dusty tome slammed into his face at terminal velocity. The impact was so forceful that the raised font on the cover stamped itself into his forehead. As Chester stumbled about woozily, the words "Written by Prof. Charge" pressed into his skull, he managed to strangle out a choked, "Gaaaaay..." before gravity took hold of his body, flinging him down onto the hardwood floor.

Celestia suddenly remembered why it was called "hardwood" as Chester's head smacked solidly against the floor, guaranteeing the fact that he would be out for a while. She turned to face the thrower of the book with pursed lips. "Twilight! Was that really necessary? I think you might have really hurt him!"

The purple unicorn held a look of cold indifference at the human for a moment. Then, her glare softened into a sympathetically guilty stare. She sighed. "I guess you're right, princess. I lost my head, and took it out on him." She walked over to Chester's limp form and placed her horn against his head.

For a moment, the room was enveloped in a cozy, inviting light. Twilight squinted a bit over the flash. Then, just as quickly as it appeared, the light faded. In its place was a conscious but woozy Chester. He was in a sitting position with his legs splayed out in front of him, his head resting in his hands.

"Chester," spoke Twilight, "I'd like to apologize for hitting you earlier. My emotions got the better of me, and I took out my pent up frustrations on you." In a gesture of sincere humility, she went on a knee in front of the confused human. "I only hope that my apology is accepted."

For a moment, nobody moved. She remained kneeling in front of the disoriented human, her horn pointing directly at his torso. As tall as she was, the human was still a good head taller than her when kneeling.

Chester let out a growl, but seemed to realize not to provoke the purple pony anymore, lest he earn another book to the face. Finally, he grumbled a brief, "...Whatever." Still nursing the large bruise on his face, he shrugged apathetically, mumbling a silent string of profanity under his breath as he glared daggers into the unicorn. With a grunt he wobbled to the closest wall, leaning on it for purchase (he was still pretty woozy, after all).

As he did, though, a peculiar thing happened. A small square panel of the wall, seamlessly integrated into the rest of the tree, slid inward as Chester unknowingly leaned into it. as the surprised human attempted to push off from the wall, the entire section of tree next to Chester folded in on itself, revealing a cleverly hidden cubbyhole built into the side of the wall.

As the wall that Chester was leaning on disappeared, he lost his footing and tumbled into the hidey-hole hole with a yelp and a thud.

Immediately, the two equines were at the gaping entrance to the cubbyhole, staring into the darkness. "Chester, are you okay?"

From inside, a thin, raspy reply of, "gaaaaaay," trickled out of Chester's lips.

The ponies gave each other a look, muttering in tandem, "He's fine." They returned their looks to the cubbyhole to find Chester clawing his way out-

-of a massive pile of collapsed books. "What... the... fuck," he screamed, "is with all these stupid books?"

The princess moved to help him. "Hang on, we'll get you-"

"No!"

Both the princess and the human turned their confused gazes to Twilight, who had walled herself up between Celestia and the hidey-hole. Her eyes were wide with desperation. "We don't need to look in there! And we certainly don't need to look at any of these books!"

Princess Celestia cocked her head to one side, giving her student a curious look. "But Twilight, I never said anything about looking at any books."

"Eep!" With a squeak, the unicorn slapped a hoof over her muzzle. "I-I mean... Uh-You know what? You’re absolutely right!"

"Are we?"

"Yes!" She gave her teacher a clearly forced grin. "These books clearly aren't important to us for our research. So," she levitated Chester out of the hole with haste (much to his annoyance) and unceremoniously dumped him onto the floor with a thwack, "We should just ignore it and get back to work!"

Twilight valiantly attempted to close the gaping hole in the wall, but was stopped as the princess laid a firm hoof on her shoulder. “Twilight? What has gotten into you? What’s in this cubby that’s so important?”

“Uh - nothing important-”

Celestia nodded half-heartedly. “Maybe I should just go take a look.”

Twilight lunged forward, but it was too late. “Princess no!”

Nudging her student aside, the goddess dove into the collapsed stack of books, scanning over titles at random. Nopony spoke as the princess began to skim through the titles at her feet. Even Chester, who was nursing several rather large bruises, kept kept his mouth shut, patiently awaiting the inevitable shitstorm that was about to come over the library.

“...Twilight...” the alicorn finally poked her head out, a confused and slightly perturbed look on her face. “I would like an explanation, please.”

As the aforementioned shitstorm loomed on the horizon, Chester let out a girly squeal. “Oh, this is gonna be good!” He pulled up a chair and looked on with joyous anticipation.

Meanwhile, Twilight was quickly wilting under the harsh stare of princess Celestia. “So... princess... see any good movies lately?”

“Twilight, this is not in any way funny.” Her horn lit up as several dusty books floated out of the cubby. “Combat spells? Advanced dark magic?” She shook her head shamefully. “These types of books have been banned for nearly four centuries! And with good reason!”

“But princess, I just wanted to expand my knowledge-”

“Not about this.” Celestia opened a book and flinched as she scanned the pages of demonic refute. “Lazer beams? Trans-dimensional portals? Life drain auras-” as she flipped through the book, a worn old magazine fell out from between the pages. Staring at the fallen pages, she muttered to herself, “Is that a Playmare?”

“Ooh! Porn!” Immediately Chester went on the offensive, barreling his way through the two ponies and snatching up the magazine. “Chester takes the precious!” he hissed. “I wonder if it’s-” His lustful smirk suddenly shattered into a horrified stare as he went right to the centerfold - a three page spread on Soarin’ the Wonderbolt.

He felt something break inside of him as he defensively pulled out a lighter and incinerated the offending periodical. “Trogdooooor!” he screamed as the nudie-mag went up in flames.

“Hey, that was a first edition! You’ll pay for that!” The suddenly enraged unicorn pounced on the pyromaniac human and beat her hooves against his chest wildly.

As Twilight and Chester duked it out, Celestia had a mild revelation of sorts. She turned her attention from the interdimensional fighters to the banned book her student was hoarding. “Lazer beams... life-drain auras... trans-dimensional portals!” Of course! How could I have missed that the first time?”

“Twilight! Chester!” The princess's shout rattled the two brawlers. “Stop your fighting. I may have just found something that can help get Chester home.”

“Aw, but Princess!” the unicorn nagged, “I was about to break his windpipe with my magic!”

“There will be time for that later. But now,” a malevolent smirk sprouted on her face, “it's time I taught you a little more about dark magic."

Hey, it's the author. Let me just make two thing abundantly clear. One, there are only two more chapters. Whoopee. Second, this is just a side project, so don't expect super consistant updates. Third, hory sheet Chester tazed Twilight wasn't that so super awesome?!

Teddy Picker, Puppy Kicker

Chester the Cynical Adult goes to Ponyville

By TheBandBrony

Clakity-clackity-clackity-clack

"Heh heh."

Clakity-clackity-clackity-clack

"He... That's good."

A stout, surly fellow sat staring at the white glow of a computer screen. The light from the devise wrapped his face in a harsh, semi-blinding light. Such a stark contrast from the rest of the room, which was shrouded in a darkness so complete that it looked like the air was made of ink.

Clakity-clackity-clackity-clack

"He he..."

As his hands glided over the keyboard with experienced ease, words began to form on the screen in front of him.

"This is the gayest video I have ever seen! Please, kill yourself for the betterment of mankind!" read the slogan which he was now so furiously typing. To say that he was a troll was, for lack of a better word, a grievous understatement.

As he continued to craft the intricate insult, his conscience briefly piped up in his mind.

Is it really right to hurt people like this? Look into your heart, Chester.

He scoffed and muttered, "Meh. Consciences are gay," before returning his undevided attention to the harsh glare of the computer screen.

Just then, a small box popped up into the lower right corner of his window, accompanied by the mechanical chirping of, "You're got mail."

"Oh, new email. I wonder what it could be." With bemused enthusiasm, he clicked on the pop-up, quickly bringing him to his new message. As he scanned the words on screen, a look of annoyance crossed his face. "Ugh, this guy again! He keeps spamming me with those stupid travel sites."

Suddenly, a devious smile crept onto his face as an idea latched itself onto his subconscious and began to blossom. "Oh... I know just what to do about this." As his maniacal smile grew, he began to pound the keys of his keyboard, intent on destroying the will of this amateur spammer.

The message he crafted was so dripping with malice and hatred that the letters on screen actually appeared to bleed and smear, marred by the pure deviance of their intent.

As he prepared to send his masterpiece that rivaled "Dante's Inferno" in its sheer quantity of unadulterated despair, his eyes happened to rest on the soft, glowing display of a tiny digital clock in the corner of the room. He groaned as the flashing red digital display blinked 8:53.

"Aw, crap! I'm gonna be late to work... Again!" He turned his attention back to his computer for a moment, grinning satanically at the terrified screen. "I'll be back. Don't worry." With several clicks, his computer winked to sleep, leaving the room dark save the thin slits of light that permeated the heavy shutters that hung over the windows.

After Chester scarfed down a rushed breakfast of "Bland-O's", he pulled on a jacket and shuffled out the door of his dismal flat, beginning his daily trek to his job at the public relations department of Paypal customer service.

The city around him was just as lifeless as his soul was. Stark, bleak factories broke the horizon like massive, glaring sails over the ocean. Broken-down apartments littered the street corners, their windows smudged and their walls overgrown with ivy. Even most of the people he passed seemed to be just as heartless and robotic as he was.

"Stupid work," he muttered complacently, "always making me do things. Why can't they just pay me to sit there and nap?"

As he meandered past these lifeless testaments to past architectural designs, he spied a man on the side of the street, reclining on a dilapidated shopping cart overflowing with an abundance of canned goods and various overcoats that looked to be two hundred sizes too large. If it was any more blatantly clear that this man was homeless, he would've been holding a sign saying, "Hiya! I'm homeless."

As Chester neared the reclining epitaph of human despair, he noticed him holding an empty can in a grimy, unwashed hand, foisting it at any unfortunate passerby who got near.

"Spare change?" The homeless man's unspirited soliloquy fell on the deaf ears of the various pedestrians as they walked by, most hardly even bothering to turn their heads at the poor man's plight.

As fate would have it, Chester happened to walk near the homeless man. He heard the dead, monotoned "Spare change?" alight itself upon his ears before being carried away into the oblivion of silence.

Feeling generous, Chester leaned over the slumped bundle of coats and man. "Ya know what? I think I have something for you."

The homeless man looked up with a start, his eyes suddenly full of the tiniest shred of hope. "Really? Thank you, sir! I just need a few more dollars and I'll be able to afford down payment on a condo a few blocks from-"

He was cut off as Chester leaned over him and hocked up a massive, wet ball of phlegm, spitting it dead center into the cup.

"You keep that." With that Chester set off, not bothering to care as the homeless man behind him began to sob quietly with anguish. "Don't spend it all in one place," he called over his shoulder with a wave.

As Chester returned to his normal strut, a positively satanic smile forming on his lips, he heard a soft whimper to his right. He turned his gaze down one of the city's myriad of abandoned alleyways. The damp, inhospitable stretch between two buildings had long ago been overtaken by the roots of mother nature. Gnarled, twisted vines had replaced paint on the crumbling walls, and mold, mildew, and scum had taken over the dank floors. The whole place reeked of urine and broken dreams.

It was there that Chester saw an adorable, if not ragged looking puppy. It was still half-curled into a ball under a hollowed out rock, its tufts of coarse brown-speckled hair sticking out at odd angles. The poor thing couldn't have been more than a year old, and its tiny frame was weakened even more so by the tell-tale signs of malnutrition.

The puppy barked weakly as Chester trotted over to it, but its wet, sparkling brown eyes told him more than all the words in the world possibly could. Those eyes spoke of cruelty and mistreatment. They spoke of forgiveness. Those shining eyes said, "I am ready to begin a new chapter. I was mistreated before, but I just long to be loved again. I give my love to you in the hope that you do not abuse it, but cherish it and me for as long as we are both on this earth-"

"PUNT!" Cheater didn't even need to get a running start. He simply squared himself away and wound up, kicking the puppy directly in its frail midsection. The tiny dog was sent flying, arching well above Chester's head and unto a trashcan, where it landed with a muted whimper.

"And the kick is good!" After a ceremonial victory dance, Chester turned to walk out of the alley.

As he turned, however, he saw something that caught his eye. From his perspective, it looked as though the wall to his left was folding in upon itself. As Chester neared, a quizzical look on his face, the folds ripped themselves apart with violence. The ground shook, displacing several stones on the adjacent buildings.

"What the fuck?"

The tear became sizable, but as it increased in size, so did the tremors it produced. By now, Chester could probably fit himself through this... Thing, if he tried. The thing was a whirring swirl of a spectral kaleidoscope and purple color, so bright it threatened to sear the corneas of any poor soul unlucky enough to stare directly into its fury.

The portal grew to about the size of a door, radiating heat, energy, and a sound not too unlike nails on a chalkboard. Then, it stopped growing. For a split second, it just sat there, seemingly content with its own existence here in this world.

Then it began to suck. Like some mutant vacuum from hell, it created a swirling vortex that began to pull poor old Chester into the swirling depths of the pool of color and light. It pulled at him, softly at first, then with increasing intensity until he could barely stand, lest he be sucked into whatever the hell this thing was.

He wrapped his hands around the same rock he had found the puppy lying under not two minutes ago. His face was contorted in shock and rage as the vortex pulled at him, beckoned him to let go and enter its churning, frothing threshold.

Heh heh... Frothing, he thought with a chuckle. He was, unfortunately, so centered on gawking at the portal (and laughing at a stupid word that wasn't even meant to be used for comedic purposes) that he didn't notice a tiny tumbleweed of fur and bones to come to rest next to his hands, displaced by the churning mass on the wall. The ball unfurled itself, revealing the beaten, bleeding body of the puppy Chester had kicked. The same brown eyes that once looked upon Chester with compassion and love now viewed him through a bloody haze of revenge.

Chester saw the puppy before it attacked. For the slightest of moments, he wondered if it had been worth hurting the poor thing for no reason.

Then the puppy opened its adorable little mouth and sank its comically tiny (but still razor-sharp) teeth into his hand. Yep, thought Chester as he howled in pain. Totally worth kicking the stupid thing.

As the dog's big became more excruciatingly painful, Chester began to lose purchase on the rock - his last salvation from the seething vertical pit of death before him.

"No... I'll never let go!" he shouted, straining to be heard over the din if the portal. Alas, it was all for naught; his fingers slipped with a final surrender to the inevitable, and poor Chester began to slide into the gaping mouth of the vortex.

Now, at this point, most normal people would kick, or scream, or flail about in a desperate attempt to save themselves from the massive yaw of a portal.

Not Chester.

Chester turned on his back and, wrenching the gangly ball of fur that had attached itself to his hand free, threw it against a nearby wall. He laughed sadistically as he heard another pathetic sounding yelp, then turned to face whatever this thing was that was slowly dragging him into oblivion.

With a barbaric yawp, he surrendered the last of his control to the winds of the portal as it dragged him into its spectrum colored oblivion.

Figuring he might as well do something stupid before he died, Chester took what would probably be the last breath of his short, miserable life and shouted with a curt maliciousness that could curdle milk as two hundred yards, "Alight, let's do this! LEEEEEEERRRRROOOYYYY JJJJJEEEENNNN-"

He was swallowed up by the hellish vortex before he could finish. Seemingly satisfied with this earthly tribute, the portal recessed back into the wall from whence it sprouted, sowing itself up with a gurgle of light, disappearing completely just as quick as it bubbled forth from the depths of nothingness.

From the mouth of the alley, the homeless man who had been so publicly humiliated by Chester only a short while ago surveyed the scene with a smirk. No doubt he had seen the whole thing play out, refusing to make his presence known out of spite against Chester. After all, who would want to save someone who had so openly reviled you?

"Good riddance," he guffawed, before turning and beginning a lazy trot down the cracked city street, back to his post on the sidewalk.

"Rrr! Why won't this stupid spell work?" Twilight Sparkle, prized pupil of the very princess that ruled the fair land of Equestria, beat her head mercilessly against a gargantuan spell book like her skull had insulted her mother. With every hit, a muffled thump traveled through the resonant walls of her tree home, alerting her number one assistant to her frustrations.

"Twilight!" Spike called out from downstairs. The only answer he got was the continual thump of her head against the ancient tome. "Twilight! Stop that, you'll hurt yourself!"

Thump, thump, thump

With an exasperated sigh, Spike hopped up the stairs and entered his adoptive sister's room. He found her swiftly impaling one of her spell books on her horn, growling like an animal as she murdered the innocent collection of pages. "Twilight! Stop that, you're destroying your book!"

Finally, mercifully, she relented, staring at the dead book with a blank expression adorning her face. "Humph. This book deserved it." She tossed the shredded pages into a growing pile of spectacularly destroyed books, all sporting a tell-tale hole through the middle the same diameter as Twilight's horn.

Spike gawked at the sheer volume of books his caretaker as assassinated without so much as a thought of remorse. "Twi... You gotta go outside for a bit, maybe visit your friends. It's not healthy to stay cooped up like this. After all," He moved to the windows and threw them open, allowing the majestically bright light of Celestia's sun to enter the semi-darkened room. "Look! It's a beautiful day!"

As the warm, radiant sunlight hit Twilight she cringed and, with a hiss, shrank back into the fleeting shadows of the room. Spike swore that for a moment her fur began to smoke as it was touched by the light. "I can't just stop, Spike. I'm so close to perfecting this trans-dimensional teleportation spell! With this I could finally open up portals to other worlds!"

"Trans-dimensional what now?"

She was instantly swept up in the gusto of her own speech. "Just think! I could explore strange lands, or meet fascinating new species, or conquer exotic planets!" She twirled around on her hind legs like a ballerina (a legless ballerina at that) and plopped down on her haunches, eyes sparkling with excitement. "This spell could change the world!"

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you. Why are you doing this anyway?"

"Err... What do you mean?"

"I mean, why are you spending all this time and sacrificing all this precious literature," Spike swept a stubby, clawed hand at the mass of deceased books, "for this one spell?"

"Well, if you must know, it’s a special commision from the Princess herself,” Twilight replied in an uppity tone.

Spike rubbed a claw against the scales on his chin, ignoring Twilight’s rudeness. “Why on earth would the princess want you studying something like that?”

Deep within the recesses of the Royal Canterlot Archives at a table illuminated by a single, waning candle sat princess Luna. She wore a confused expression on her face as she poured over several new commision documents waiting to be filed within the massive shelves beside her.

"Sister, you sent for me?" Into the room strolled Princess Celestia in all her godly regality. She held a new, waxy candle in her magic grip.

"Oh, Tia. Thank you for coming." Luna took the fresh candle from her sister's magical vice and lit it, the light flaring briefly before settling to a dim glow. "I was reading over these reports, and one of them in particular caught my eye."

A well-creased sheet of parchment was encapsulated in a sparkling blue glow and brought in front of the lunar princess. "This says here that you commissioned Twilight Sparkle to study... trans-dimensional portals?" She looked at Celestia, eyebrows raised in confusion. "Would you care to elaborate as to why you did this?"

The solar goddess sighed. "Well, I've been caught. Yes, I commissioned Twilight to research trans-dimensional portals.”

“Why?” Luna asked incredulously. “Don’t you know that that kind of magic is dangerous?”

“Yes, Lulu, I know that. It’s just...” Celestia fumbled with her explanation, “Lately, Twilight has completed all her magical studies with such speed and efficiency that as of late I’ve been hard pressed to find anything that will really challenge her. I figured this would be a true test of her magical skills.”

Luna saw through her sister's flimsy facade in an instant. "So," she interjected, "You gave her a near impossible task because you ran out of things for her to do. Is that correct?”

“...Yes?”

The goddess of the moon put her head in her hooves and sighed. “Tia, that was incredibly irresponsible of you! Forget the fact that that kind of magic is unsafe,” she scolded, “What would you do if by some chance young Twilight were to actually open some kind of portal? With her power, I would be surprised if it didn’t happen.” Luna glared at her sister like she was a little filly who had been caught stealing candy.

“Lulu, relax.” Celestia put a warm, comforting hoof on her sister’s shoulder. “Twilight is a smart pony. If, by some astronomically small chance, she does open a portal, I’m sure she’ll be able to take care of it by herself.”

Satisfied with her answer, Celestia gave her sister a brief but sisterly nuzzle and about faced, cantering out of the darkened room. As she left, Luna called out behind her, “I just don’t know Tia. I’ve got a very bad feeling about all this.”

“Well, I don’t have the slightest clue as to why, but I’m sure that whatever the reason, it’s a very good one.” Without thinking, Twilight smothered Spike in a purple blanket of magic and unceremoniously dumped him outside of her room, which unfortunately for the poor baby dragon happened to be right next to the staircase. He teetered for a brief moment, his tiny claws grasping desperately for purchase before tilting backwards and falling down the stairs, hitting every last one as he somersaulted his way to the first floor with a thunk.

Twilight flinched as she watched her baby brother violently descend the stairs. That was definately not her original intention, and she blushed furiously as she called out, "Sorry!" to her wounded dragon assistant. In response, Spike just grumbled as he limped towards the kitchen to retrieve an ice pack.

"I'll have to apologize to him in a bit. For now, I should continue my studies-" Twilight turned and froze, muted horror and disappointment creeping across her face like a spider.

"Aw, horseapples. I'm out of books!" It was true. She scanned the shelves of her room, searching for any piece of literature that would be decent enough to sacrifice in the name of science. Unfortunately, not a single tome was left upon the shelves, every last one having been volunteered and gored to death.

"Well... Maybe I should go outside." She moved to her window and stared out at the lively spring world around her. "It really is beautiful... Wait a minute. Do we ever have a cloudy day? I mean seriously, when was the last time Ponyville had an overcast day and some great catastrophe wasn't at fault?" Twilight's words were accompanied by a confused look at the always-blue sky.

"Oh well. I'll ask Rainbow Dash about that later." Having made up her mind, she began to trot out of her room towards the blissful salvation of the outdoors. As she rested her hoof in the door knob, however, she hesitated, casting a longing look at the pile of murdered literature in the center if the room.

"Hmm..." she pondered aloud, "Those were awfully good books. And I'd hate to have their sacrifices be in vain." She briefly battled her subconscious urge to try the spell again. Finally, with a huff, she relented to her mind's curiosity. "Just one more time. But that's it."

She wandered back to the center of the room. She planted her feet, bowed her head in concentration, and willed all her magical power available into her horn, where it manifested as a brilliantly bright ball of light.

The whole building shook as Twilight formed the portal, feeling several of the massive bookshelves nearby collapse with a massive WHOOM.

She payed them no heed as her spell intensified. Stray bolts of lightning arched out and struck the study walls, leaving scorched craters in their wake. The whole room was filled with an ungodly metallic shriek and buzz. Dimensions themselves crumpled and tore under the power of Twilight's magic, opening a portal the size of a door to some untold dimension. As she watched on in equal parts amazement and horror, the portal pitched and yawed violently, swaying with all the coordination of a salsa dancer in a wheelchair.

"Perhaps this may have been a mistake..."

Please note that I will be using the author's notes to periodically insult Obsidian of Borg and his horrendous pen name that makes him sound like an ugly bridge troll (Was that offensive enough?).