Cutie Mark Achievers

by sparklepeep

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Sad, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure
Length: 2250

You now earn cutie marks based on an achievement system. Chaos ensue.

Once upon a time, a young pony must discover their own special talent through hard work in order to earn a cutie mark. Not anymore! Ever since an achievement system was instated in Equestria anypony can get any cutie mark provided that they do enough repetitive tasks to obtain achievement points! See what happens when a hoard of ponies with nothing better to do besides satisfying obtuse requirements set forth by an invisible council earn their Celestia-tier cutie marks and all the powers that come with it. (Written as a response to r/mylittlepony's Ponychievement flair system back in the days when we thought it was a good idea.)

Published 2012-04-26 09:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-26 09:54:01 UTC

Chapter 2: Fluttershy

"Say it," demanded a horde of ponies as they pointed their various point magical implements at Fluttershy.

"Yay…"

"She's so cute!"
"Yes I'll never get tired of hearing her say yay!"
"Fluttershy's my waifu!"
"No Fluttershy's *my* waifu!"
"I downvote that!"
"Well I upvote it!"
"Downvote this!"

Once again, as the countless times before, the ponies who captured her and forced her to say things under the threat of banishment to the moon erupted into a fight with each other. And like many times before, a group of white pegasi who called themselves the White Knights swooped in and escaped with her trailed by a wave of white-washed rainbows. Soon, the Knights will prostrate themselves before her and beg for her forgiveness of their fellow ponies. They will then argue and fight amongst themselves while other ponies fillynap her and force her to do adorable things again.

As she was lifted into the air and saw the meaningless, gray rainbows below her, Fluttershy cried.

Chapter 3: Twilight Sparkle

Twilight Sparkle, heavy with sweat caused by the seventy-eight suns and twenty-two moons now simultaneously flying over Equestria, collapsed on the floor as she walked in to the cave that she has been living in for the last week.

"Oh, my little pony! Are you all right?" Princess Celestia lifted Twilight on to her bed, a pile of rocks with spiderweb sheets, with great stress, "did anypony see you?"

"No, princess," Twilight said with a smile, "and here, I found you half an apple."

"Twilight, I think you need it more than I do."

"No, I can't. You're the princess! You should have the apple."

"Well, my faithful student," Celestia gave a sad smile, the closest that she's gone to a real smile in months, "I think we may have a hundred princesses now."

"No we don't," Twilight snapped, "we have one"---Twilight caught her mistake too late, but Luna was too busy curling up in a useless, mentally broken pile to care---"two princesses! Those imposters can never replace you!"

"Oh, Twilight Sparkle," Celestia hugged her and they both began to cry. In tears, they shared the apple between them while Equestria continues to be torn apart by these ponies with powers that they did not deserve.

"Did you hear that, Princess?" Twilight Sparkle bolted up all of a sudden, forgetting that she was in searing pain.

"Yes, Twilight. I can feel the bass under the rocks. They are close."

"We can't let them find you. I'll---"

"No, Twilight. You will do nothing but rest for the next hour. I will get Luna ready for travel."

"Princess---"

"The imposters claim that I mistreat fillies and dishonor my students. I will not have them proven right. Now, Twilight Sparkle, as your princess, mentor and friend, I order you to take a nap. Right now."

"Yes Princess. But please, be careful..." Twilight barely got the last word out before she involuntarily closed her eyes and dreamt of a time when all her friends were eating donuts with her in Canterlot. Oh, what magical times.

Chapter 4: Pinkie Pie

"Whee!" "Party!" "Turn it up to eleven!"

Of all the ponies in Ponyville, Pinkie Pie was the only pony who had no trouble adjusting to the changes in Equestria. One day, hundreds of ponies---all with the same cutie mark as her own---simply showed up at her door and asked her to party. They've been partying ever since. Dozens of other ponies showed up with professional DJ-ing equipment and began to spin the best jams known to ponykind. No, they were better jams. Baked goods and baked bads and baked media started appearing left and right and soon, Pinkie Pie was engulfed in a massive party organism that was composed of hundreds of ponies.

"But it was already at eleven!" "Well, turn it up to, um, what's after eleven?"

The party cloud started to travel across the land of Equestria. Everywhere it went ponies joined it. Some of them did it willingly, some of them were simply consumed by it. Those who were taken by the eternal party had one viable option: party. Those who did not party vanished and were never seen again, perhaps trampled into the ground by the dancing of a thousand pink party ponies. Those who chose to party, well, partied. Cupcakes would magically appear to sate the hunger of any tired pony. Sugar fueled the party train, and nopony slept or stopped. They simply partied.

"I wonder… Hm,maybe Twilight would know?" "Who's Twilight, Pinkie Pie?" "Um, I dunno. Well, who cares! Let's party!"

And they partied.

Forever.

Chapter 5: Rainbow Dash

"Ready, pipsqueak?"

"Always, Rainbow Dash!"

"Let's do this, Rainbow. Ain't got all day."

"Okay, ladies, on my mark… three… two… one!"

As Rainbow gave the signal, Applejack gave the flimsy Manehattan door a buck that could shatter a barn. Scootaloo flew in with a wagon filled with canisters of tear gas and traded them for one of her two best friends in the whole wide world.

"Scootaloo! You're---"

"Stop talking, Apple Bloom. Gotta concentrate."

"Applejack! You---"

"Hay, lil' sister. Ain't seen you in a while."

"What happened to you? The scars! Where'd---"

"Can we please stop this mushy family reunion until after we escape---"

Just as Rainbow Dash was about to finish her sentence she crashed into a faux-Celestia who teleported in front of the group. The tear gas worked, but not well enough. This was the last time they're going to trust Derpy with making the tear gas for the Resistance. Applejack, who rode on Rainbow's back, flew straight into the air but managed to lasso a fancy chandelier and swing her way back towards Rainbow Dash and the little fillies, giving the faux-Celestia a good bucking in the flank in the process.

"Naughty naughty! It looks like somepony's going to the moon tonight!"

Scootaloo tried her hardest to break through, but before she could reach the exit it was already covered in a wall of fire. More ponies with false cutie marks surrounded them---it seems like the commotion has reached some sort of critical mass and everypony in Manehattan---no, Equestria---had their eyes and hoofs on the scene.

"So much for bein' stealthy," Applejack said with a sigh.

"What are we gonna do, Scoot? We ain't got no cutie marks that can control the sun!"

"Don't worry, Apple Bloom," Scootaloo smiled, "we got outselves a goddess on our side."

As if on cue, the fabric of reality itself ripped itself apart and from the seam came a bright, white unicorn pony. Its horn was unlike anything Apple Bloom has ever seen. Its coat was pure and shining, putting even Rarity's to shame. Its cutie mark was no less starling: a blue arrow pointed downwards. As Apple Bloom stared at the strange pony's flank, she knew that there was only one place that the arrow could point.

"The Downvote Pony!" "How'd they find her?" "What's going on?" "I'm not a furry!"

Oblivion.

The Great and Powerful Epilogue

"No, the Great and Powerful Trixie does not need to write 2,200 words in order to upgrade her cutie mark. She already has 2,198 words and she refuses to add two more just to humor your sick, twisted notions of what an "achievement" is. Is my masterpiece not enough for you neeeeeeeighsaying fools? Shall Trixie demonstrate her superiority by showing you what a real achievement is? Perhaps Trixie shall tie you up with a magical rope? Or mayhaps Trixie could tie you up with a magical rainbow? Would you like Twixie to tie you up and then dye your hair a hideous color? Or Trixie could simply vanquish you like she did to the ursa major in Ponyville. Wait, why are you looking at the Great and Power Trixie like that? I am warning you, cease your transgression at once or Trixie shall tie you up with magic! Wait, you ponies want Trixie to do that? While making Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo cry? And having Twilight Sparkle make lusty eye batting motions at you? All while eating bacon? What is wrong with you ponies? You disgust the Great and Powerful Trixie, who has had enough of this!"

And then Trixie banished herself to the moon and lived happily ever after.

Chapter 1: Apple Bloom

"Cutie Marks. Cutie Marks never change. That's what mah sister an' her friends told me when ah was a lil' filly. Eeyep, as Ol' Macintosh would say 'fore the reckonin' came down on Ponyville like a tractor-trailer full o' hungry hippos. Back 'fore things went all haywire you gotta earn your cutie mark. You do a million-and-one things and eventually you find somethin' you good at and BAM! Cutie mark! Now? All you gotta do's do some stupid things like writin' your name on your hand and make some almighty ponies happy to get a cutie mark as big as the sun. Well, this filly ain't playin' this game. No siree. This---"

"Apple Bloom! What have Uncle Orange and I told you about having soliloquies in the closet after dinner? And give me that dreadful candy cane and put a real cigarette in your mouth like a posh Manehattan pony, for Celestia's sake!"

"Oh no, Auntie Orange, you said---"

Suddenly, fifty-seven ponies magically appeared in the Manehattan apartment that Apple Bloom lived in since Applejack and Big Macintosh disappeared. They all had different coats, manes, personalities and names. However, they all had the same cutie mark.

"You called?" said the fifty-seven ponies at the same time. They then started having an argument with each other and started sending each other to the moon. Like the original owner of the cutie mark they all had power over the sun and all of Equestria, but none of the manners. Worse yet, anypony can obtain this power simply by performing small tasks that even Snips and Snails could do. In fact, they both got new sun-shaped cutie marks and then proceeded to burn each other to death with their new powers.

Apple Bloom tried her best to ignore the Celestia-tier ponies in the living room and looked longingly out the window. In the skies flew one-hundred and ninety-two rainbows, all made by ponies who "earned" a rainbow-lightning cutie mark. One of them, in particular, was writing "suck it, blank flank!" directly in front of Apple Bloom's field of vision in a silvery rainbow motif. Apple Bloom looked at the clock---eeyep, it was time for Silver Spoon's daily mocking again. Ever since she lost Diamond Tiara in a magical duel resulting from their argument over whether they should take art classes and "earn" a new cutie mark she has had no purpose in life but to harass blank flanks.

There's only one blank flank in Equestria now.

Chapter 6: Karma

Still shaken from the display of Descentia's powers of ultimate Judgement, Apple Bloom held close to Scoot as they made their way towards the Resistance headquarters: a secret secret secret double secret cellar under Applejack's old barn. Nopony could discover it, even with princess-like powers. It turns out that even those who could control the sun and the moon had no power over the Pinkie Pie swear that magically powered a stealth field around the ruined Sweet Apple Acres.

"You're back! Everypony's back!" Sweetie Belle was the first to greet the returning hero ponies. She leapt towards Apple Bloom only to collide with her in midair as the other filly also leapt in joy. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were once again together after a year apart.

"Look! Apple Bloom! I made this for you! And you too, Scootaloo!" Sweetie carefully removed two capes from her pouch using the magical telekinesis powers that she has been honing in the last few months. "Official Cutie Mark Crusaders capes to replace the ones we lost when things got crazy!"

"Wow, Sweetie, these are even better than the one from last time!"

"Why of course, my little darlings," Rarity trotted out elegantly to greet the newest member of the Resistance, "she's been studying under my expert tutorage."

"Yeah… actually… Rarity did most of the work," Sweetie Belle said sheepishly as she showed Apple Bloom and Scootaloo some scratch marks on her legs, "I just took cat of the cat, mostly."

"Yes, yes, Opal certainly had a wonderful time. Oh, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, I made these for you too!"

Before Apple Bloom's eyes two large capes, sewn from the finest golden and red fabrics, emerged and tied themselves on to Applejack and Rainbow Dash. They also bore the symbol of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, though in these symbols the little pony carried a hammer in her mouth.

"Wait a second, mah new cape's got a hammer too!"

"Ain't that the truth, Apple Bloom, this here's the new symbol of the Resistance."

"So ya'll gonna be Cutie Mark Crusaders too?"

"That's right, pipsqueak," Rainbow crossed her forelegs, "we're gonna go on a crusade to restore the sanctity of cutie marks and reclaim Equestria piece by piece. We're gonna find the princesses, find Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and all our other friends and we are going to show those imposters with their fake cutie marks just how awesome us original recipe ponies are! Ladies? Hooves, please?"

As Rainbow Dash instructed, Applejack, Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and, eventually, Apple Bloom all put a forehoof into a pile. "Ready, crusaders?" "Ready!" "Ready!" "Yep." "Let's do it!" "If we must…"

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Revolution YAY!"