Tales of the Skeleton Empire

by Lord Iron Skull

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Science Fiction, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 6729

These are the chronicles of the Skeleton Empire, as told by Lord Iron Skull himself.

Settle down, settle down. I'm gonna tell you a story, so settle down. Good. Now, you remember that I'm a pretty powerful mage and a king to boot, right? Good. I wasn't always this awesome, so this story is about how I got like this. Sit back, and enjoy!

Published 2015-02-05 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-21 17:57:04 UTC

Excuse me, driver, this isn't my stop. Driver- driver!

I never wanted to be a king.

And that's the simple truth of it, really. I never wanted to come here, never wanted to inherit an entire race of skeletons, never wanted anything like this to happen to me. But, it happened, and now I have to deal with it. Still, couldn't fate have waited until I was older to bring me here? Seriously, you could have waited a few years before you threw me headlong into a nonstop adventure. You could have at least given me some warning!! Is five minutes too much to ask? But, what's done is done. You came here to hear a story, and so a story you will hear.

My name is Lord Iron Skull.

Others have called me by other names, such as The Lord of the Night, Master of the Undead, the Arcane King, but I always preferred Lord Iron Skull. Radiates power, sounds cooler, is more awesome, right? Besides, it's the first name I ever got here, and I think of it as my true name. Anyways, I got around a lot before I decided to regale you with grandiose tales of my adventures. Well, enough about me. You'll find out more later. Let's begin, shall we?

I guess it all started when I got hit by a car.

Yes, you read that right. My path to becoming Lord Iron Skull started when I was hit by a car. I don't want to go into detail on what happened in the car crash, partly because I don't actually remember what happened. All I know is I'm walking home from school and a car comes hurtling from nowhere towards me, and I got hit by the stupid thing. Then, I'm waking up in the middle of some forest.

I wake up in the middle of some forest. I look around, confused. "Where am I?" I wonder. Looking around, I realise I am a long way from home. I don't recognise the forest at all. It appears to be a stereotypical "Evil" forest. There are cobwebs hanging around, spiders in the trees, probably dessicated corpses wandering around looking for something to eat. And there's the skeleton lying under the tree in the middle of a otherwise clear clearing. Wait, WHAT?!? I scramble away from the bony pile but it follows me. Then a horrible realization comes to me: I am the skeleton. I don't even scream in horror like any rational soul would do. Instead I look, fascinated, at the undead terror I have become.

I have square bones, like skeletons from Minecraft. I am encased in armour, made of iron, judging from its look. I have boots, greaves, and a chestplate, but no helmet. That worries me a little bit. I have, weaponswise, a bow and plenty of arrows, a diamond sword, and a diamond dagger as well. I spot something odd out of the corner of my eye as I study myself. It looks like a crown, forged of iron, the same as all my armour. I walk over to it. Thankfully, I have no trouble walking or moving, despite my sudden lack of muscles. I pick up the crown, turning it around in my hands.

It looks amazing, a true work of art. It is decorated with long, blunt spines arranged at regular intervals around the rim. There are four long spines placed at the exact middle of the four sides. There are also long spines at each of the four corners of the crown. But the centerpiece of the crown is the gem in the middle spine. The spine that it is mounted on is the tallest, indicating that it is intended to face forward and shine the magnificence of the jewel in front of me. The gem itself is magnificent. It is purple and cut like a diamond or a kite (whichever you prefer). I see a name engraved on the crown.

"Lord Iron Skull." I say out loud.

First I'm surprised I can speak, despite my sudden lack of vocal cords, then I'm surprised that I recognize that name. It triggers a memory. I remember a sword, and a bow and... and a crown. I don't know why, but the crown is mine. It has to be mine. I put the crown on, confident that I'll be fine. I feel power wash over me, and I black out.

When I wake up, I am in a cave. It's dark, so I make a light. A bright light shines from my crown. I look in surprise at my head. Or at least, I try to. Have you ever tried to look at your forehead? It always results in you falling over. One of my hands touches something wet. I spin around after getting up. I see a massive puddle. Or at least, that's what my hyperactive mind tells me. I reason that it has to be a pool. An underground reservoir of some kind. I touch the surface of the water, and something grabs my hand. I pull away, but the thing gets pulled out instead of dislodged. When the thing is in the light, I look in surprise at it.

It looks like me. Hold on, let me rephrase that. It looks a lot like me. It's a skeleton as well, with a bow slung over its back, a sword sheathed at its side, and it has a dagger as well. The only major difference is that it's wearing a helmet, while I'm wearing a crown on my head. The copy of me looks at me in what I presume is a copy of my own expression. That is, one of surprise.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"Who... are... you?" My copy slowly parrots.

"I know who I am!' I exclaim. "What I'm asking is who you are!"

Admit it, you would have said the same thing.

My copy looks confused. He, or at least I think he's a he, opens and closes his mouth a few times. "Who... am...I?"

"Finally! Something different." I say.

"Different?" He asks.

I point at him. "Don't you start now!"

"His name is Crossbones." A voice whispers in my head. Not considering the implications, I point at the skeleton in front of me.

"Your name is Crossbones!" I declare. I can practically hear the madness in my head facepalm.

"Moron." The voice says.

"Hey!" I snap. "You have a better thing to say?"

That appears to get the voice in my head to shut up. I look accusingly at the skeleton, apperently now named Crossbones. He looks at me, the picture of innocence. Unfortunately, that doesn't work on me. First, I don't have a heart anymore, second, I was never really susceptible to that kind of stuff in life. "Alright, you, um... Crossbones, whatever your name is." I say.

Crossbones looks at me attentively. "Yes?" He asks.

I start in surprise. He sounds exactly the same as me now, Canadian accent and all. He also said a word that he hadn't heard before. That's what I call progress.

"We need to get out of here." I say. "And you're going to help me."

"Okay." Crossbones says.

"Wait, it was that easy?" I think. "All I had to do was tell him what to do? Why didn't I think of this before?"

"Because you're a idiot." The voice in my head says.

"Don't you start now..." I warn. The voice falls silent once again. Satisfied that my madness is under control once again, I turn back to the skeleton. He's patiently waiting for me.

"Alright," I say, rubbing my hands together eagerly. "First, we need to look for an exit. No sense in blowing the ceiling to kingdom come if there's a ready made way out already here."

"And how exactly are you planning to do that?" My insanity asks.

Ignoring it, for approximately the next thirty seconds we look for a way out. Me and Crossbones find it right away.

"See? I said that there would be a way out, and we found it." I proudly proclaim.

We head up the long tube-like passage, only to find a huge boulder in the way. "Who put this here?" I demand. Unfortunately, the universe doesn't seem to answer. I angrily kick the rock. I kick it several times, then kick it once more for good measure.

"Stupid rock!!" I yell. "Why did you have to be here? Go away!"

This time, the universe heeds my call.

The stupid rock is surrounded by a dark purple glow. I back away in surprise. The rock starts to rise into the air. That, understandably, surprises me the most of all. The rock continues to defy gravity, rising up farther and farther. I cautiously walk forward, underneath the rock. It's still surrounded in that dark purple aura. The aura is the same colour that the light I made was, I realize. I know I'm a little late to realize that, but my mental process isn't the most efficient in the world. "Am... I doing that?" I wonder.

"Finally. I was wondering when you'd figure it out."

"Hey, why do you know? And why are you in my head?" I ask.

"I've been in your head since you put that crown on." The voice says. "I am the crown."

"Of course. My madness began when I put you on. Will it stop when I take you off?"

Crossbones looks at me quizzically. Seeing his look, I explain. "Talking to the voice in my head."

He nods, as if that made any sense. Returning to my head, I question the crown further. "How am I using magic? I thought that magic was impossible?"

"Only if you believe it is."

"That's helpful." I retort.

"Why thank you." The annoying crown says.

"Do you understand sarcasm? Because that was sarcasm."

"Oh."

"Moron." The crown begins to retort but is interrupted by Crossbones.

"Sir, we'd better go. It's getting dark."

"Ok." Me and Crossbones climb up the now empty hole. "What's with the 'Sir' business?"

"You're my leader, sir. You're Lord Iron Skull, the king of all skeletons."

I pause for a minute to comprehend this. "Well, that's an improvement. Let's be off!" I yell, filled with bravery.

As I set off on my new life, my first subject at my side, I briefly reflect on my past life. "My friends, my family, they'll all be mourning me." I think.

"That's good. Remember the past, but don't dwell on it."

"You should start an advice column. You'd be really good at it."

"Do you really think so?"

"Yep."

We wander into the forest, oblivious to the three curious pairs of eyes watching us from a nearby bush. They whisper quietly amongst themselves, and disappear into a nearby tree, where they continue watching us through a window.

Author's Note

Sorry about having to repost this. I had to make some major modifications. I hope you like this as much as I do. Enjoy!

Stop, please stop!! I can't take it anymore!!

"Hmm. It'll do." I say, looking at the giant castle looming in front of me.

"It'll do? It'll more than do." The ever-present voice in my head says. "It's magnificent."

"Are you the master of castles or something? Because you seem to be the master of everything." I respond.

"As a matter of fact, I am." The crown responds.

"Sir, I'd advise making camp here for the night at least. Even if we don't make our main base here, it looks easily defensible, and it's also abandoned, making contact very unlikely."

I look at Crossbones for a second and then say "Sometimes you surprise me with how brilliant you are, Crossbones."

"Thank you, sir."

Looking over the castle one more time, I see that although it's really old and damaged it can be easily repaired. "Okay, let's get some rest. I think that this might be the only place in this entire forest that's safe. I'll take first watch."

My turn at watch is pretty boring, and according to Crossbones, so was his. But when I change the watch over to Crossbones and go to sleep, things get a lot more interesting.

I wake up. I look around, confused.

"Where am I?" I think.

"You are in the dream world." A voice says. I turn towards the sound, and see a ball of energy.

"What the..." I begin. But before I can continue, the glowy ball of power stuff reforms itself into a vaguely human form. Vaguely. It looks like some bizarre caricature of a human. It is a kind of energy golem if that makes any sense. I know, it doesn't.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"I think it should be obvious. Moron." And in an instant, I know who it is.

"Crown?" I ask.

"Finally. At least you aren't a total loss."

"Why am I here?" I demand.

"You're here to learn. We don't have enough time to learn in the real world, so we're doing it here."

I slowly nod. "That actually makes a lot of sense. So, where and when do we begin?"

"Here and now. Are you ready?" The crown responds.

"I think so." I slowly answer.

"Then let's begin."

Training to become a king takes a long time. Especially when you're training to be a warrior as well. Then it takes a really long time. Thankfully, time in the dream world moves a lot slower than in the real world. The crown explained everything to me. Every minute in the real world is a day in the dream world. Therefore, an hour is two months, if a month to you is 30 days. I slept for six hours, so I trained for a year. Weird, huh? Anyways, I wasn't able to train as much as the crown wanted. Heartless taskmaster. I got in the basics for everything the crown deemed necessary for my education as well as a lot of advanced stuff for the things that were the most relevant in his view. That included combat, battle strategy, magic and politics. I didn't know why the last one was deemed important at the time. I sure as heck know now. Anyways, after a year of constant learning, it was time for me to wake up.

"Sir? Wake up, please. Sir, please wake up."

"I'm awake, Crossbones."

"Sorry, sir but I think we have to move."

I sit up and look in the direction that Crossbones is pointing. "Is that..."

"That's a Cragadile, a type of magic crocodile made from stone."

"That thing puts the rock in 'Crocodile Rock'" I say.

"You are terrible at puns." The crown says.

The Cragadile roars and charges. I jump out of the way. Crossbones does some kind of commando tactical roll out of the path of the Cragadile. I come up with my sword drawn, in a Iron Man pose. I begin a spell, feeling the power build in my hands. I release it in the general direction of the Cragadile. The beast makes the mistake of roaring in my direction. My magic bolt slams into the mouth of the Cragadile. It chokes on the superheated energy. I look in amazement as the monster disintegrates before my eyes.

"I think you killed it, sir." Crossbones observes.

"Well done." The crown congratulates.

"I think that this castle will do for a more permanent base." I decide.

"Sounds good. We'll probably need more troops if we're to keep this place." Crossbones looks at me expectantly.

"You want me to create another min- skeleton?" I ask. "I don't know how I made you! How do you expect me to make an entire army?! I probably can't for all you or I know!! And how do you know that I want to make more troops? I do, but you didn't know!!" I pause for breath. I didn't know that I even had to breathe. "And I never asked to command any number of troops!! I don't want to!! I wasn't asked! If I'd been given a choice between afterlives I probably wouldn't have chosen this one!! Why wasn't I asked? I don't know!!! I don't know anything about this place!!" I finally stop.

"That felt good." I say.

"Got a lot on your mind?" The crown asks.

"Yep." I respond.

"So, you think you can make another skeleton?" Crossbones asks.

"I think so. Let's find the pool where I made you."

"There's no need for that. You can use the magic right now, right here."

"I think you got that the wrong way around." I drily observe.

"You know what I mean." The crown retorts.

"So, how do I use this magic?"

"Simply find what you used to create Crossbones. Bring it into focus. When you've found it, channel it, give it form."

"Okay, sounds easy enough." I close my eyes and concentrate. I look for the magic like the crown said. It doesn't take long. I pull the magic out, concentrate it, push it out. I picture a soldier, no, two soldiers. I order the universe to bend to my will, to create two skeleton warriors for me to command. I feel the universe relent, feel it bend into two troopers. I open my eyes and observe my handiwork. Two soldiers stand at attention before me. They look identical to each other and Crossbones.

At least, in appearance.

In demeanor, they are very different from Crossbones. They feel like robots to me. I can sense that Crossbones is a being in his own right, but these two don't. They stand too stiffly, to unnaturally.

"I'll have no problems commanding them." I think.

Crossbones looks a little uncomfortable, but he doesn't say anything.

"Okay, let's begin to rebuild this castle." I say.

I point to one of the soldiers. "You handle guard duty. You," I say, pointing to the other one. "Assist me and Crossbones with surveying the castle."

"Yes sir." I wince. The soldiers speak in monotones. That further reinforces my theory that they're robots.

As me and my troops set to work, I wonder, "Am I doing the right thing?"

Author's Note

And so, as my empire begins, I have a moment of doubt. Will I be able to get over it, or will I suffer a mental breakdown? Wait, what? Next chapter will be the one with ponies in it, so be patient. Please.

Befriending little fillies as an undead terror 101

Two weeks after my arrival...

Running a kingdom is a lot of work. Even if all your subjects are completely under your control. It's still a lot of work. Thankfully, I had the help of several talented, as well as sentient, lieutenants. Crossbones was, of course, my first. He aided me in basically everything. My warriors all began as mindless, well, drones. But as I slowly created more troops, some of my skeletons gained sentience. The second was Tang. He began as a soldier, but after fending off a Manticore by himself, he became self-aware. I assigned him command over my standard troops. You know, my swordsmen. Third is Broadhead. He also started as a soldier and gained sentience in the same way as Tang, but his specialty is the bow, not the sword. After that, I begin experimentally assigning my extra soldiers to tasks that require more intelligence than what they currently exhibit. The fourth to gain free will was Darksteel. He and the fifth, Vorpal, gained their place as blacksmiths. They got their position as lieutenants by figuring out how to efficiently forge and refine the metals that they were named after. The most recent one is Red Cross. As you might guess, he's a medic.

But enough about my trusted lieutenants. You want to hear a story, and a story I will tell. This chapter is about how I first met ponykind. It was... Rather explosive.

I sigh. I haven't been having a very good week. Have you ever tried to build up a city-state from scratch? It isn't fun. It takes a ridiculous amount of time and effort, and remember that I can summon more minions whenever I want. You know the phrase "Many hands make light work."? Well, I'd like to expand on that. "Many hands are absurdly difficult to control." Seriously. Without my six second in commands, I would have gone crazy and then broken down under the workload. And my resident critic doesn't help either. The crown may sometimes have good advice, but it's also very annoying. I've found that it's either helpful or annoying. One or the other, never anything else. I think that if I continue for another week without any change to my chaotic and yet simultaneously boring life, I'll suffer a complete meltdown.

"Sir?"

I am roused from my musings by Crossbones. He's standing with today's stack of field reports from the scouts. I sigh again.

"Anything important?" I tiredly ask.

"Actually, yes. One of our parties found the edge of the forest."

I look up, suddenly awake. I'd been waiting to hear that for a long time. "And?"

"Apparently, the forest ends only a couple of miles to the south of the Empire. In every other direction, it continues on for quite a long way."

"Any sign of other civilization?"

"No, not yet. Sir, why are you so certain that whatever race built this castle is still around? It's clearly been abandoned for a long time. Maybe they all died when this place was abandoned."

"I just... need something to hope for. Maybe if there's something else here I'll actually have a reason to do all this. Aside from building a place for us to live."

"I see. You want to protect a race, right?"

Have I ever mentioned that Crossbones is really smart?

"Exactly." I smile. Crossbones always knows how to cheer me up.

I stand up. "Well, let's get on with our day, shall we?"

"Indeed, sir."

For the next three or so hours, life continues as normally as you can get when you're me. I check up on the various projects that I have going, especially the mines, and then I do some combat training. The crown may have taught me to fight amazingly well, with sword and magic, but I still need to hone those skills. That, however, only kills an hour. After combat training, I wander my empire. It's gone a long way in two weeks. At first the castle where I decided to make my home was ruined, seemingly beyond repair. But a hundred skeleton warriors really makes a difference. It's now well fortified, been repaired, and upgraded as well. Inside, I discovered a ton of traps, which I deactivated, that inspired me to build a bunch outside. Now I've made a training area filled with some of the most ingenious traps ever made, as well as some of the most dumb. A pit filled with maple syrup counts as a trap, right? Speaking of maple syrup, I found a spell to synthesize any kind of food you want, so long as you've tasted it before. Cool, right? Anyways, I wander around for a while. Nothing really catches my eye, so I return to the throne room.

The throne room is really the only part of the castle that's finished. It is large and airy, with a feeling of quiet power to it. It's moderately decorated, with otherwise practical features like my throne being ornate and stylish. My throne is set against the far wall, with nothing behind it but stone. I had to remove the two thrones that were already there to make room for mine, but I made sure to put them somewhere safe. The tapestries look nice, so I kept them here. My throne is a work of art, radiating power and authority. I made it out of swords.

Yes, you heard that right.

Ok, it's not made out of swords. I lied a little bit there. But it sure as hell looks like it. I had a bunch of sword hilts, blades and tips forged just for my throne and then combined to make a majestic chair. They were welded together by Darksteel and Vorpal and then iron was used to fill in the gaps. It was then padded to ensure that it's comfortable. It is very comfortable, in case you're wondering. I sit down and prepare to wait for something interesting to happen. Now, you remember that I said that my life would continue normally for three hours? Well, three hours had passed. Well, 2.75 hours. Same thing, right? Fifteen minutes later, I was seriously considering attempting to strangle a gargoyle, if only to relive my boredom for a while, when a guard runs in. I look up, surprised by the unscheduled entrance.

The soldier stands there for a second, trying to catch his breath. Yes, we need to breathe. Finally, he speaks. "Sir, we found something!!"

"Calm down, soldier. What did you find?" I ask.

"Another intelligent race, sir!!"

I can only look at the soldier in shock for a second. Another civilization? How? I'd been looking for two weeks and I'd just found the edge of the forest!

"Where?" I finally ask.

"Inside the forest. About a quarter of a mile from the Empire."

"Where exactly?" I ask. This stuff is important, you know!

"Nearby the Home." The soldier responds.

"Nearby the Home." I slowly parrot.

"Yes, sir. Nearby the Home."

The Home, by the way, is what I named the pool that I pulled Crossbones out of. I know, it isn't the most original of names, but it fits. It's considered a sacred place in the Skeleton Empire, which is what I decided to name my necropolis. Cool, right? Anyways, the Home is considered a very sacred place, and usually I don't allow other beings to go into the central chamber. Skeletons are allowed, but monsters aren't. I have a permanent guard there, and it's considered an honour to be assigned there. There are always five guards on duty, as well as a small outpost that houses reserves.

"Did they go inside?" I ask. It'll be an extremely bad thing if they did, because my soldiers don't like things going in. The last time it happened, the guards cut a Manticore to pieces for just falling in the chamber. I only heard about it when they brought me its severed tail and head. I chose to get rid of the head, but I thought the tail was cool. It's still hanging on the wall somewhere.

"No, they didn't. They remained out of sight while I was there. I came as soon as I can."

"How long ago was this?"

"Half an hour, sir."

"Half an hour... They could have left by now!"

"Well, go now!" My insanity says in my mind.

"Okay." I respond.

"Let's go." I say to my soldier. He nods and leaves the throne room. I begin to follow him, but the crown says something.

"Why don't you put your riding lessons to good use?"

I zoom through the forest at an incredible pace, so fast I feel like I'm flying. I look around myself, seeing the trees flash by at an alarming speed. Crossbones is right beside me, riding a monstrous spider.

Yes, you heard that right.

I am riding a giant spider, as are all of my guards. My mount is a magnificent beast, half spider and half scorpion, heavily mutated by magic, huge and well cared for. His legs end in giant spikes, which he digs into the ground to propel himself forward at remarkable speeds. The long dagger-like feet of his enable him to climb walls and trees with ease. They're also used as defensive weapons, believe me, you do not want to get kicked by a giant spider. It's very painful and, more often than not, will scatter your limb(s) all over the place. He also has a long tail and giant, lobsteresque claws. I decided to name him Spidnarak. Don't you dare laugh, if you do I'll introduce you to him.

While slathered in Barbecue sauce.

With the spiders, me and my entourage make it to the Home in under 15 minutes. When we arrive, I dismount almost immediately, and end up falling over and onto my head at the same time, somehow. Crossbones dismounts more smoothly and helps me up. Nodding to him, I approach the guards, who salute me.

"Where are they?" I ask.

"Over here, sir." A guard says, pointing to a patch of bushes that conspicuously rustles as he points. I slowly approach them, but pause.

"How do you know that there's a sentient being in here if you haven't seen them?" I ask.

The guards all look to a single soldier, who responds. "I heard talking coming from that bush."

"Okay." I say, immediately closing the remaining distance to the bush, which squeaks in panic as I approach.

"Don't hurt us!!" A feminine voice wails from the bush as I reach over it.

"And why on earth would I do that?" I ask the bush.

"Because you're a big, scary monster who eats fillies!" The bush cries in panic.

"But we're not scared of you, just moderately worried." A different voice chimes in from the bush.

"Wait, are there more than one... whatever you are inside that bush?" I ask, genuinely confused.

"Well, yeah. Of course there's more than one pony in this here bush. Duh." A third voice, with a distinctly southern accent, replies.

"How many... ponies are there inside there?" I ask.

"Three!" The first, panicking voice says.

"Will you please come out, so we can have a normal conversation?" I say, thoroughly exasperated by the... ponies inside the bush.

"All right, so long as you don't hurt us." The southern voice says.

"I won't, I promise." I reply.

Slowly, three figures detach themselves from the bush and walk in front of the aforementioned shrubbery. I study the ponies, hardly daring to believe my eyes. The first to emerge is a classic pony, if way smaller than the ponies I knew before coming here. She has a yellowish coat, a red mane and tail, amber eyes, and for some reason a bow in her mane. Second is a pegasus. She has an orange coat, a purple mane and tail, and light purple eyes. She radiates confidence and doesn't seem scared at all. Third to come out is a unicorn. She's definately the scared one. She is white, with a curly light purple and pink mane. I have no idea why they're scared, they are almost definitely weaponized cuteness. Although, I don't exactly look like the kind of creature to care about how cute they are, now that I think about it.

They look at me, not even daring to move lest they incur my wrath. I wonder if I can turn off the glowing eyes. That might help to keep them from freaking out over my terrifying appearance.

"Why on earth did you have to make me look so nightmarish?" I ask the crown. There's no response from the voice in my head, for once. Shrugging it off, I turn to look at the scared little fillies. They still haven't moved. I'd have thought that they would shift at least a little bit by now.

"So," I begin, startling the fillies by the sudden sound of my voice. "who exactly are you all? What do you call yourselves?"

The pegasus is the one to speak. "I'm Scootaloo, and this is Apple Bloom," She says, gesturing to the pony beside her. "and this is Sweetie Belle." She finishes, pointing to the unicorn.

The pony slowly waves. "Howdy." She says slowly, in the southern accent I heard earlier.

"Well, pleased to meet you all." I say.

"I think."

"Well said my fine sir." The crown finally pipes up.

"Shut up." I think.

"So, what are three ponies doing in the middle of a very dangerous forest? And how did you not get eaten by monsters?" I ask. Seriously, I find it dangerous in these woods sometimes. How on earth did three young ponies with no visible weapons or ways to protect themselves survive here?

"Well, we stayed hidden. And we never went out after dark, and that's when all the really mean monsters are out." The unicorn, Sweetie Belle, chirps.

I look at her for a moment. "That... actually makes sense." I finally say.

"And we were spying on you!" The pegasus, Scootaloo says. Instantly realizing her mistake, she stuffs her hoof in her mouth. The other two look in horror at first her, then me. It takes me several seconds for my train of thought to dock at the station. First I look at Scootaloo, then myself, then my soldiers, who are just looking at Scootaloo, who is currently trying to hide under a rock, then at the other two ponies.

I finally respond. "You have been doing what in this forest?" I calmly ask.

"Spying on you." Scootaloo whispers.

"Say that again, please." I ask.

"Spying on you."

"One more time."

"We've been spying on you!!" Sweetie Belle wails.

"Okay." I turn away.

"You... you ain't mad at us?" Apple Bloom asks.

"No, I'm not mad at you, and I'm not just plain mad either, so don't ask. I'm actually impressed with you three. Having the guts to spy on someone as terrifying as me, and to do it for two weeks without being caught, that's pretty impressive. But nothing is ever done for a reason, so why?"

"To get our spyin' cutie marks, of course!" Apple Bloom cheerfully exclaims.

"Your spying whats?" I ask, genuinely confused again.

"Cutie marks, of course!" Sweetie Belle happily explains. By now, I'm even more confused.

"What are cutie marks?" I ask.

"Really? They're only the most important things ever!" Scootaloo says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Uh huh. What are they?" I ask, a little impatiently now.

"Well, a cutie mark is what determines a pony's destiny. Everypony has one! Exept we don't. That's why we're trying to get one. See?" Sweetie Belle answers. She shows me the side of her upper back leg. Confused, I instead look at her face.

"What exactly am I supposed to be looking at here?" I ask. Seriously, I don't know!

"Her cutie mark, or the lack of it rather."

"How exactly do you know that?" I ask my internal anti-concience.

"I've been here for a fair while longer than you have, I've seen a lot."

"Touche." Abandoning my doomed internal argument, I look at the three ponies again.

"So, what exactly is supposed to be there?" I ask.

"My cutie mark." Sweetie Belle mumbles.

"What does a cutie mark look like?" I ask, exasperated once more by the circular conversation I've been having with these three. I can't get anywhere!

"Well, a cutie mark is different depending on the pony's special talent, but it's always a mark on your flank." Scootaloo says.

"A symbol emblazoned on the side of your leg? How does that determine what your... special talent is?" I demand. "It doesn't make any sense!"

"It only appears when you discover what your super special talent is. When you figure it out, it appears there by magic."

"Okay, now I think I understand. It only appears when the thing that it represents comes into being, which is the knowledge of your special talent, but simultaneously, your talent is determined by the appearence of your cutie mark. Right?"

Now it's the ponies' turn to look confused. "What?" Sweetie Belle asks, looking at me blankly.

"Techno-magic mumbo-jumbo. Don't worry about it."

That seems to satisfy the fillies. However, my inner know-it-all is not satisfied so easily.

"You have no idea what you just said, don't you?"

"And what if I don't?" I snap. I have no patience when dealing with my personal voice-in-the-head.

Not waiting for a response, I address the fillies. "Now, it's pretty late out, so I think you'd better head home. Don't want to get caught out of bed at nightfall."

"Don't worry about our families." Sweetie Belle chirps. "We've got it all sorted out."

"Yeah, after we saw you weirdoes two weeks ago, we've been planning this for a while." Scootaloo chimes in.

"Planning what?" I'm not entirely sure if I want to know the answer.

"A stakeout!" The three say in unison.

"But that's kinda ruined now, so we'd better be headin' home now I guess." Apple Bloom sighs. The three fillies begin to walk along a barely noticeable path through the trees back to where they presumably live. I would have let them go, but Sweetie Belle looks back at me with the most pathetic expression on her face, it looks partially like a kicked puppy and partially like a stuffy I used to have back home, Snow. The overall combination is one that melts my non-existent heart.

"Wait!" I call. The three stop and look back at me.

"If you'd like, you can stay here for a little while." Even as I speak, the crown begins to yell at me. I ignore it for now. I have to talk to adorable fillies.

"You would?"

"Really?"

"For real?"

"Yep." I respond.

In the next second and a half, I am tackle-hugged by three surprisingly heavy fillies and have my ears bombarded by an endless salvo of "Thank you thank you thank you!!" with such ferocity that the Death Korps of Krieg themselves would be jealous. My soldiers are all looking very confused throughout the entire thing. Crossbones finally walks up and taps me on the shoulder.

"Sir, as you observed it's getting dark, we need to return to the castle soon or we might not make it back."

"You have a castle?!?" The three shout, jumping off me.

"Yes of course, he's Lord Iron Skull after all." Crossbones responds matter-of-factly.

"You're a lord?" Sweetie Belle asks, turning to look back at me.

"Yeah, why else would all these skeletons be calling me sir?" I respond.

"Cool!! Our new friend is a lord!!" Scootaloo cheers.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SKELETON OVERLORD FRIENDS YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They cheer loudly.

"Okay, why don't we save all that for tomorrow? It's getting really dark now, and we don't want to be eaten by anything, now then do we?" Crossbones says.

"Good idea. Let's all go to the castle and I'll give you a tour." I say.

"Sounds good." Scootaloo says, visibly trying to hold back a yawn.

My soldiers each gently take a filly with them, and we go back to the castle as fast as we can. Once there, I get some beds for them, and they go to sleep easily, although they don't want to. I walk through the castle, past the throne room, past the armoury, and finally into my private chambers. Once in the room, I close the door and take off my armour.

Under it is nothing but bones, the same sight I've been seeing for two weeks. Whenever I take off my iron shell, I see the same thing. Lots and lots of bones. It's the real reason I haven't been faring well here. It constantly reminds me of my lost former life. As I go to bed, I see the same mental image I've seen every night for two weeks. My family. Suddenly, it's replaced by a different one: three young fillies, happily smiling at me. As I prepare for my nightly training session with my hypothetical mentor, I fall asleep with a smile.

I wake up happier than I've been all week. I stretch and put on my armour. I'm ready for anything the day throws at me.

"It doesn't go on that way Scoots!" A voice interrupts my train of thought.

"Well how was I supposed to know that?"

"Maybe if you'd read the instructions?"

"Skeletons don't come with instructions!"

I sprint out of my room and down the stairs. It's going to be a long few days.

Author's Note

Okay, I lied. The explosions are next chapter. Still, that means more chapters for you to read! I dearly hope I can update this soon. Thanks for waiting everypony!