The Antithesis of Clopfics
Princess Celestia sat upon her throne, her guards on either side of her, and doing her best not to look at their strong, muscular, incredibly attra-slap!
“Princess?” One of the guards turned to look up at her, worry evident on his features. “Are you alright?”
“I-I’m fine,” she stuttered, rubbing the spot where she’d slapped herself. “I’m just finding it a bit harder to control myself is all.” She flashed them both a concerned gaze. “You’re still free to leave your posts, you know. I don’t want to put you two at risk in case I succumb to my⋯urges.”
The other guard shook his head. “No can do, princess. If we left your side, not only would we be failing our jobs, but that’d leave you free to go out and find some other poor sucker to rut into oblivion.”
The first guard narrowed his eyes at his colleague.
“. . . What?”
Suddenly the doors flew open in a burst of blue magic, revealing another guard’s ever-stoic face. “Your highness, they have arrived.”
“Oh, thank harmony.” Celestia sighed in relief. “Please, send them in.”
The guard bowed. “Of course.” He turned to look behind the wall, gesturing inside the throne room with his head before stepping inside. A three-digit hand adorned with sharp, hook-like claws emerged from behind the door frame, followed by a pair of skinny legs, a hunched torso dressed in a brown trenchcoat, another hand holding a silver briefcase, and finally a head with a rounded snout, sharp teeth, and large reptilian eyes. Every single body part was covered in small, barely perceptible feathers.
It was followed by a Great White shark, three meters in length, which seemed to defy physics as it smoothly and effortlessly slid along the floor behind the velociraptor. Just the sight of such a blatant disregard for reality brought a look of revulsion to the guards’ faces, while Celestia herself was too busy fighting her heat to care about the non-Discord display of reality-bending in front of her. Both kept themselves perfectly composed as they entered the throne room and approached Celestia. The velociraptor kneeled before the throne, setting his briefcase on the floor next to him, and bowed before her.
“It is an honor to be summoned by you, Princess Celestia,” he said. “To both of us⋯” he turned to the shark, “⋯right, Bridgette?”
The shark swished its tail back and forth. Celestia could only assume this meant ‘yes’ since the velociraptor nodded his head. He turned back to face Celestia, who smiled serenely down upon them.
“It is also an honor to finally meet you, Mr⋯?”
“Just ‘Geoffrey’ is fine,” he said with a nod.
“Very well, Geoffrey.” Celestia’s smile turned into a pensive frown. “I trust you remember why I summoned you?”
“Mmhmm, I even brought my solution with me.” Geoffrey patted his briefcase. “I tell ya, it wasn’t easy, and I’ve probably been added to about a dozen hit lists, but it was worth it to get these goods.”
Geoffrey picked up the briefcase and undid the latches, opening it up for Princess Celestia to see. An enormous blush crept across her cheeks in response to seeing the colorful assortment of vibrators, dildos, and various other sex toys neatly arranged within the case. Her guards, however, merely snickered at the case’s contents.
“Wow, that’s⋯” she trailed off, amazement clouding her thoughts, “⋯wow.”
Geoffrey laughed heartily. He tossed one of the dildos to Celestia, which she caught in her magic with a start. “Knock yourself out, princess,” he said.
Celestia only stared blankly at the dildo in her magic, which, coincidentally enough, was a shade of golden yellow that matched the color of her magic aura, before returning her attention to Geoffrey.
“Let me get this straight,” she said, her tone turning skeptical. “You plan to travel across Equestria, passing out these sex toys to every mare in heat you find?”
“Me and Bridgette,” Geoffrey clarified. He reached over and gently scratched Bridgette’s chin, earning another happy tail swish from the shark.
“Right, of course.” Celestia took a moment to clear her throat before continuing. “I’m assuming you’ve got more than just one small case of toys, because just that amount is insufficient to satisfy every heat-ridden mare in Equestria.”
“Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little head, princess,” Geoffrey replied, smirking. The guards’ jaws opened in disbelief at the casual manner in which he’d just addressed the princess while Celestia felt her cheeks grow ever so slightly hotter in response. “There’s plenty more where these came from.”
Celestia nodded. “Very well.” She smiled softly. “Good luck, Geoffrey and Bridgette.”
“Thank you, princess,” Geoffrey said. He closed up his briefcase and stood up. Giving the princess one last bow, he straddled himself upon Bridgette’s back. “Tally-ho!” he shouted. Bridgette reared back with equal enthusiasm, then shot forward and barreled through the throne room’s doors, making a sharp turn around the corner and quickly disappearing from sight.
Celestia and the guards said nothing for several moments, the sheer absurdity of what they’d just experienced registering in their minds.
“Guards, please leave for the time being,” Celestia finally said with a sigh, earning their collective attention. She levitated her dildo down toward her nether reasons. “I’m going to need a few minutes alone with this.”
She was alone in less than five seconds.
“N-Now c’mon, R-R-Rarity,” Caramel stuttered, backing away from the unicorn. “You know you don’t wanna do this.”
“I don’t mind at all, darling,” Rarity replied, advancing forward with slow, practiced steps. She swayed her flanks very seductively, staring at him with a saucy gaze. “I always thought you were a cute colt, and I know you’re a virgin, so let’s make each other happy, hm?”
“No!” Caramel turned toward his stairs, but didn’t make it more than a couple of steps before Rarity grabbed hold of him with her magic. She turned him back around to face her, affording him a close-up of her bedroom eyes.
“Now now, Caramel,” she tutted. “Let’s approach this like mature adults: calm, rational, in your bedroom.” She paused, then looked around the house. “Where is that, by the way?”
“Help!” Caramel screamed, futilely struggling to break free. “Somebody help me!”
“Enter the raptor!”
Rarity and Caramel turned in the new voice’s direction at the foyer. Geoffrey and Bridgette emerged through the front door, making a sharp turn to face them. Geoffrey used the momentum of their turn to propel himself forward toward the ponies, extending his front claws in front to grasp them.
He missed, however, as Rarity dodge-rolled to the side out of his way, losing her grip on Caramel in doing so. The stallion fell to the ground on his back, and immediately scrambled back to his hooves before he felt something soft and slick wrap around him. Looking up, he almost screamed again at the sight of Bridgette’s enormous jaws just a few inches from his muzzle, facing away from him toward Rarity.
Geoffrey stuck his landing and turned to face Rarity as well, who stared back with her mouth agape in disbelief. “Leave the poor guy alone, missy,” he said, his tone that of placating authority. “I can help with your estrous.”
Rarity’s face turned a sickly shade of green and she threw a hoof over her mouth to block an incoming load of bile. Geoffrey tilted his head in confusion at this before realization hit, to which he chuckled.
“No, no, not like that,” he assured her. He turned to his companion. “Bridgette, the goods if you please?”
Bridgette opened her jaws, revealing Geoffrey’s briefcase. He plucked the case from her mouth and patted her lightly on the snout, to which she closed her mouth again.
“As you can see,” Geoffrey said as he opened the case for Rarity to see, “I have everything you need right here.”
Rarity’s eyes dilated in response to seeing so many sex toys in one place. Her tail stiffened, and a bead of sweat began glistening on her brow while her cheeks turned red. “Oh my stars . . .”
Geoffrey smirked and tossed her a royal purple vibrator. “Have fun." He turned back to his companion. "C’mon, Bridgette, we gotta keep moving.”
Bridgette let go of Caramel, and the stallion slowly backed away, unbridled fear in his eyes. Geoffrey stowed the case back in Bridgette’s mouth and hopped on her back.
“Onwards and upwards!” he cried.
The two shot through the front door in a flash, leaving the two ponies alone once again. Caramel could only stare blankly at the front door while his mind reassembled itself. Once he calmed down, Caramel remembered Rarity was still with him.
“Rarity, please get out—” He was cut off by the combined sounds of the vibrator’s humming and Rarity’s moans of pleasure. “⋯Why me?”
“Please no! Don’t make me do this!” Big Mac screeched, struggling against his bonds. “Please Fluttershy, this ain't right!”
“Look, I’m really reeeaaally sorry, Big Mac,” she replied, nervously biting her lip. “I tried my best to keep myself under control, but I just can’t hold it anymore.” She reached up and gently stroked the stallion’s cheek, giving him a small smile. “But don’t worry, I’ll make sure this is pleasurable for both of us.”
Big Mac shifted his gaze to the couch, where a certain draconequus was reading the newspaper. “Why’d ya bring me here!?” he cried.
Discord lowered his newspaper to give Big Mac a deadpan stare. “Because Fluttershy wouldn’t stop pestering me to rut her myself, and sex is well outside my purview.” He lowered his newspaper back down. With a snap of his talon, a pair of soundproof earmuffs covered his ears. “You may proceed, Fluttershy.”
Big Mac gulped as Fluttershy positioned herself over his body. The loving smile she gave him would’ve been sweet any other time, but Big Mac felt nothing but a creeping sense of dread as she reached a hoof down to his nether region.
The yellow pegasus was suddenly yanked up, letting out a startled ‘eep’ in response. Big Mac watched with disbelief as Geoffrey brought the pegasus to eye level with him, giving her a pitiful gaze.
“I expected better from you at the very least,” he said, disapprovingly.
Tucking the pegasus under his arm, Geoffrey led Fluttershy to the new velociraptor-sized hole in her house's wall where Bridgette and the briefcase were waiting. Geoffrey popped the locks open with his free hand and opened the case, allowing Fluttershy to see all the pleasurable goods it contained. To say seeing them made Fluttershy hot would be an understatement of the highest caliber; Geoffrey almost dropped her in response to her sharp increase in body temperature.
“I honestly don’t know how the idea of sex toys is so foreign to you ponies,” he said, shaking his head exasperatedly. “Well, whatever, just pick one and go nuts.”
After taking a moment to recompose herself, Fluttershy calmly reached out and took a pink dildo with little red hearts painted all over its surface. Geoffrey set her down and went back inside, where Big Mac had resumed his struggle for freedom. With a few quick claw swipes, Geoffrey sliced through each of his bonds before returning outside and mounting Bridgette.
“Heeyah!” he cried, and they took off.
“Thanks for helping me, Geoffrey,” Braeburn said, peeking through his mail slot. “I owe ya one.”
Geoffrey waved a dismissive hand. “Ah, don’t think you’re obligated to. I’m just doing my job.”
“Still, thanks.” Braeburn peered around Geoffrey and Bridgette to the street beyond. “They comin’ yet?”
“Any second now.” Geoffrey reached a claw to his cannon’s trigger.
A few seconds later, a new sound reached their ears. At first, it started as just a small, barely perceptible humming, but it steadily grew in pitch and frequency every second. Geoffrey watched as a small dust cloud formed on the horizon at the same time, a line of silhouettes soon appearing within. The humming turned into feminine screams of joy, and the silhouettes morphed into the image of dozens upon dozens of mares, stampeding together straight for them.
Geoffrey narrowed his eyes in concentration, claw wrapped around the trigger, waiting for the right moment to pull. The air grew tense as he and Bridgette stared down the herd of horny mares with firm resolution, showing no fear whatsoever in their eyes, while Braeburn nervously chewed his lip. If their precision wasn’t perfect, he would suffer. Greatly.
As the herd approached, Geoffrey could make out the excited, lustful expressions upon all the mares’ faces. They were clearly beyond eager to nab Braeburn so they could rut him into next week, more so than any other stallion he’d already saved. That would only make what he was about to do all the more satisfying.
When he was sure the herd was within firing range, Geoffrey squeezed the cannon’s trigger. The cannon recoiled a bit as it fired off its load straight at the incoming mares, impacting before any of them realized what was happening. The resulting blast sent shockwaves across the desert, rattling everything that wasn’t tied down all throughout Appleloosa, while a giant plume of dust rose up from the impact site in a banana cloud pattern. Geoffrey and Bridgette watched with cool expressions while Braeburn stared in awe at the display, his jaw hanging open dumbly.
When at last the dust cloud cleared, Geoffrey pulled out a pair of binoculars and looked at the scene. The corners of his mouth lifted into a small smile and he lowered the binoculars to the mail slot for Braeburn to see. Looking through, his cheeks reddened at the sight which greeted him.
“Wow,” he muttered.
“I guess you could say it’s a massturbation!” Geoffrey laughed, striking his knee.
Somewhere, beyond time and space, a rimshot sounded.
Celestia lay sprawled upon her bed, panting heavily. Her entire body was covered with sweat glistening in the sunlight filtering through the windows. The dildo she’d received from Geoffrey, now slickened by her vaginal fluids, lay discarded upon the floor beside her. It had seen a lot of use over the past few days, and Celestia knew she’d keep using it until Estrous season was over, but it was infinitely preferable to raping some poor stallion.
A knock sounded on her bedroom door. “Your highness!?” one of the guards called. “Geoffrey and Bridgette have returned!”
Celestia slowly raised her head to face the door. “Tell them I’ll be ready shortly!” she called, straining to speak despite her tired state.
Picking herself up off the bed, Celestia made a quick trip to her bathroom to wash up, stepping out feeling fresh as a daisy and looking wholly presentable. She made her way to the door and opened it to find Geoffrey and Bridgette waiting for her, the former looking chill as he casually leaned against the wall with his hands in his pockets.
“It’s done,” he replied, coolly.
Celestia blinked. “That was fast.”
Geoffrey shrugged. “There weren’t quite as many as I thought there’d be, considering the disproportionately large number of mares in Equestria compared to stallions. Not that I’m complaining, of course.”
Celestia nodded. “Well, I am wholly thankful you two were willing to help.” Lighting her horn, she summoned a small bag of bits and gave it to Geoffrey. “Here’s your service fee in full. You’ve earned it.”
“Thanks princess,” he replied. He took the bag and stashed it in one of his coat pockets. “Well, see ya around, I guess.”
He made to signal to Bridgette when Celestia held up a hoof. Geoffrey watched as she strode towards him, her face blank and unreadable. Once she reached him, Geoffrey almost backpedaled as Celestia reached up to his face, gently kissing his feathery cheek. His mind went completely blank, the only sensations he recognized being Celestia’s wet lips and the fiery blush he felt underneath them.
Celestia gave him a small smile upon finishing. “That’s for saying my head is pretty.”
Geoffrey shook free of his stupor and sheepishly chuckled. “Eh, sure thing princess,” he said, rubbing the back of his head in an awkward manner. “Well, good-bye.”
“Good-bye, Geoffrey,” Celestia said. “You too, Bridgette.”
The shark swished her tail and bobbed her head up and down in response, which Celestia took to mean ‘good-bye princess’. Geoffrey climbed onto Bridgette’s back and, after stowing his suitcase in her mouth, shouted “Forward swim!” and they sped off down the corridor, quickly disappearing around a corner and out of sight.
Author's Note
Dedicated to RainbowBob. May you have a speedy recovery, you lovable sponge. 
