Twilight skipped happily down the halls of Canterlot Castle. She greeted the servant ponies as she trotted by. She engaged in a song and dance routine about the magic of love with the guards, and that Kibitz guy.
Dude really had an amazing voice!
Nothing could bring her down today— everything was looking up for Princess Twilight Sparkle.
She flew up the flight of stairs to Celestia’s chambers… quite literally.
She alighted just in front of the large chamber doors, emblazoned with Celestia’s cutie mark.
Twilight knocked twice, then four times in rapid succession, then another three times slowly. It was her secret code for “It’s Twilight Sparkle.” Celestia had explained it wasn’t necessary, as that was what the guards were there for, but Twilight kept the habit up nonetheless.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle to see you, Your Majesty!” the guard to Twilight’s right called through the door.
The door handle lit with a faint golden glow, and the doors opened inwards.
Celestia was lounging on the cushions in front of her personal fireplace, reading a scroll.
“Ahh, Twilight, come in!” Celestia said, as she nodded towards the guard. “I was just reading some of your old letters to me.”
Celestia let out a nostalgic sigh. When the guard closed the door behind Twilight, the youngest alicorn broke into a grin, then pounced towards the elder.
Celestia raised her wing, allowing Twilight to nestle next to her, before lowering her wing over the lavender alicorn’s back.
“You seem happy,” Celestia said, giving Twilight a gentle nuzzle.
Twilight tried to squirm away from the nuzzle, but was trapped by the larger alicorn. Pressing her advantage, Celestia rolled Twilight over and assaulted her with a tickle attack.
Twilight gasped for air. “Mom! Stop it! Please, no, stop it!”
Celestia refused to cease her tickling.
“Mooooooooooooooooooooooom!” Twilight yelled as she teleported away. “No fair!”
Celestia held a golden-shod hoof in front of her mouth, tittering ever so slightly at the reddened blush that had formed across her daughter’s face.
It had originally come as a shock to Twilight when Celestia had revealed the long-held secret. Once the shock had subsided, Twilight had actually been quite pleased.
Evidently Twilight Velvet was a complete bitch, so Twilight Sparkle was glad to have a real mom who loved her and treated her like the princess she was.
Twilight’s real mom had even given her pretty princess wings, something Velvet could never compete with.
At Celestia’s insistence, they had kept the recently revealed new nature of their relationship a secret. In public, Twilight was Celestia’s former protégé—now her equal—and co-ruler of her domain.
Behind closed doors, their relationship was as healthy as any mother/daughter relationship could be. It would even be considered super-cute, if any onlookers were around to witness.
“Mom!” Twilight repeated, now that she had calmed down, “I have some good news.”
“Oh?” Celestia asked, an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah, you remember that stallion I was telling you abou—”
Celestia’s face darkened. “You mean Flash Sentry?”
“Yes, that’s the one!” Twilight replied. “I asked him out, and he said yes!”
“Absolutely not!” Celestia barked. “I will not allow it.”
Twilight looked at her mother, the hurt palpable in her eyes.
“W-Why not?” she asked.
Celestia sighed. “Twilight, you cannot date Flash Sentry, because… well, you see—”
Celestia took a large gulp of her cold tea.
“He’s my son. Your brother.”
“No!” Twilight gasped. “That’s not true, that’s impossible.”
“You know it to be true,” Celestia said, solemnly. “Search your feelings,” she added, in a reference to something no pony would ever actually get.
“Nooooooooooooooooo!” Twilight cried, before stopping abruptly. “Wait, what about Flash from the mirror—”
“He is my son, too.”
“What?” Twilight asked.
“He is my son, too. They are twins, separated at birth.” Celestia stood, and walked towards her balcony window, overlooking Canterlot. “I had a difficult decision to make, Twilight. When the Flash Sentrys—your brothers—were born, I only had one free orphan point left on my frequent abandonment card. I could not choose between the two, so I sent one to the Canterlot Orphanage in the human world.”
Celestia turned back to Twilight. “I’m sorry, my daughter. I am sorry I kept this from you, that my secret should hurt you so—”
“Eh, it’s alright,” Twilight said, shrugging. “He was a bit of a dunce anyway.”
“I am gladdened that you have learned to bounce back so quickly,” Celestia said, pulling her daughter into a sidelong wing-hug. “It is a lesson hard-learned for us immortals… and for you to have learned it so young…”
“So then, my backup choice was Rainbow Dash… or Applejack. I know they’re in a relationship already, but…” Twilight trailed off. “I’ve seen the looks they give me. I feel their gazes on my flank when I walk by. I’m sure they will—”
Celestia’s head sank in shame. “I am sorry, my daughter, but I must protest—”
“Oh, come on!” Twilight groaned. “Them too?”
“Not quite,” Celestia replied, to her eternal shame. Which, given she was immortal, was super more eternal than most other eternal shames. “For Rainbow Dash, yes, I am her mother. Her father was such a virile—”
“I don’t need to hear that!” Twilight blanched. She did not want to hear such things about her former-mentor-turned-secret-mother.
“But Applejack? No, don’t worry, she is not your sister—”
“Okay, so no Rainbow Dash… hmmm, damn… but Applejack is okay?”
“No, my daughter,” Celestia replied, her eternal shame hanging out, flapping in the wind for everypony to see. “While she is not your sister, she is your great-grandniece.” Celestia turned her gaze towards Ponyville in the distance, a look of nostalgia once again across her face. “Annie Smith was quite the lover, back in her day… and ever so grateful I had given her family that land.”
“Fine,” Twilight grumbled. “Then—”
“Before you ask, I am sorry Twilight, but all of the former Elements of Harmony are out.”
“So, wait, how many sisters—”
“I am sorry, my daughter…” Celestia replied, her eternal shame having stretched so far into eternity it had come back around to turnity, which Celestia assumed was the antonym for eternity. “…but I have lost count.”
“Ballpark figure would be nice,” Twilight mumbled.
“Somewhere in the thousands, I think.”
Twilight gasped. Somewhere in the thousands‽
“Maybe tens-of-thousands?” Celestia pondered for a moment. “I am pretty sure I haven’t hit the hundreds-of-thousands yet.”
Twilight’s brain shut down. No wonder Celestia had left all the “defending of Equestria” to Twilight and her friends… her mother had obviously been too busy—
Twilight’s mane began to curl, and her eye twitched.
It’s a wonder she has time to do anything, if she spends that much time on her ba—
She let out a whimper as the thought hit her.
“I have many descendants, maybe as many as the stars in the sky,” Celestia said, looking to the heavens. “Though, I am not sure how many stars are actually up there, so I could be wrong. You’d have to ask Luna.”
Luna! How could I have forgotten Luna? Twilight smiled. Celestia and Luna’s history was very much lost to the ages, and it had been a point of contention amongst scholars if they were even blood-related at all.
“So then…” Twilight started, not really wanting an answer. In fact, she’d had enough therapy when she found out her own heritage, getting over the fact that she had clopped multiple times to the thought of her possible-aunt before she knew. The doctor was very adamant that it was perfectly healthy to fantasize about family members, and how he had fantasized about his grandmother all through his teenage years.
Twilight had also had enough therapy to get over her first therapist, too.
“Is… is Luna really your—”
“I am sorry, my daughter,” Celestia replied, without any oblique reference to her levels of shame, as that joke has been played out. “But you cannot be with Luna, either.”
“So she is my aunt?”
“Yes,” Celestia replied. “And also your sister.”
“What‽” Twilight screamed.
“I had… daddy issues… back then.”
“I don’t think that means what you think it means, Mother,” Twilight said.
“Eh!” Celestia shrugged. “It was a different time back then.”
“So?” Twilight asked through gritted teeth. “Is there anypony I can actually date?”
A puff of smoke appeared before Twilight; two beady yellow and red eyes looking out.
“You are in luck, my dearest Twilight,” Discord said, handing a bouquet of roses to the lavender alicorn, “I am older than Celestia by three millennia, and had the snip twelve centuries before she was born.
“So I cannot, in any possible way, be related to you,” he said, leering at Twilight. “So, what do you say, Princess?”
~
Princess Twilight Sparkle Legalizes Incest
Earlier today, in a surprise announcement from the newest alicorn, the long-standing laws against incest were revoked. It is unknown, at this time, if the legislation will change the public’s opinion on such a taboo subject.
Prince Shining Armor was unavailable at the time of print for a comment.
