Hey, ever heard the joke about the human male who was transported to Equestria against his will? No? Oh, you're gonna love this one, but feel free to stop me if you think you've heard it before.
So, this guy goes to a gaming convention dressed up as his favorite game, comic, or movie character. Once at said convention, he meets this kinda shady vendor, and buys an item from said vendor, the item in question usually being something in reference to the character he's dressed as. Let's say, in this case, it's a duplicate of the leather jacket and Gentek pendant worn by Alex Mercer in the game Prototype. And wouldn't ya know it, as soon as he put them on, the guy finds himself whisked away to the magical land of Equestria against his will, and roughly two thousand or so years before the story's main time-line?
Are you laughing yet? Just wait, it gets better.
So, when the guy realizes he's not only been transported to the magical land of ponies, but was also transformed into the Alex Mercer, he does what any sane, rational person would do, and promptly flips the fuck out, either in unrequited joy, or absolute fury at the sheer stupidity of the situation. One shit fit later, he moves on, but within the space of a month he's done something to piss off the Royal Alicorn Sisters, Princess Celestia and Luna (or, as I like to call them, Sunbutt and Woona). A fight ensues, in which he beats there prissy pony posteriors into the dirt, but, being the persistent little buggers they are, they consistently come back for more. After his umpteenth victory, the guy now known as Alex Mercer turns to leave, only for them to pull out their trump cards, the Elements of Harmony. One blast of the Orbital Friendship Canon later, and guy's being treated to a grand tour of the Canterlot Royal Gardens...where his petrified body is put on display as a showpiece/over-glorified lawn ornament for the next two thousand years.
Doesn't that make you just want to laugh?
......
Yeah? Well good for you, because I'm the guy stuck in said situation and let me tell ya...
I ain't laughin'.
You’d think after being frozen in stone for nineteen years or so, with nothing but your thoughts and time to contemplate your life choices, you’d eventually get tired of 'listening' to any number of songs in your head, but that couldn't be further from the truth. True, some songs aren't worth the ink used to write them, but some are just too good to not like. Especially when it matches yourstate of mind so perfectly at that point and time. I mean sure, its not like that’s the only song I thought about this last millennium and a half, seeing as there were plenty of other ear worms that I went back to, and some songs I just went back to make sure I remembered all the lyrics, but dear god do I love this track! And why wouldn’t I? It’s technically my song now.
Or Heller's, but fuck if I care. Both are mine now.
'Oh hey, I think I hear a tour group coming! Time to hear about how much of a badass I am!'
“Come on class, we’ve got a lot to see!” said a stern, yet gentle voice.
'Wait a minute… I think I know that mare’s voice…'
“Now this is another interesting exhibit, much like the statue we passed earlier. Children, what do you think this statue stands for?”
The schoolteacher mare moved into view, and I felt the need to give a manly YEAH as the one and only Ms. Cheerilee gestured towards my stone prison, a small group of foals following close behind.
'DINGDINGDING! We got ourselves a winner! And where the teacher goes...'
“Whatever it is, it’s ugly!”
'...the stuck-up cunt had to follow.'
The snotty comment came from the spoiled filly wearing a tiara, also known as Diamond Tiara. I swear, if I could have, I'd have punted the little sidewinder as far as the Everfree with my Evolved strength. Just being near her made me want to hurt her.
Ignoring Diamond Tiara, Ms. Cheerilee continued with her lecture. “This statue represents the creature known as Blight, also refered to as Lord of Plagues, the Prototype, or the Pale One, depending on what part of his legends you look at.”
'The Pale One, huh? Technically, I'd be plague or pestilence, not death, but who cares. I've now officially reached Herald of the Apocalypse levels of infamy among all ponykind. If only the guys back home could see me now.'
“Long ago, legends say that Blight roamed Equestria, bringing destruction wherever it went. The ground he trod upon would warp and decay, and where ever he went, disease and death would follow. It was assumed that, being the embodiment of disease and pestilence, everywhere Blight went, he left a slew of unknown, incurable diseases in its wake.”
'First off, I wasn't intently spreading the Blacklight virus around. Unfortunately for all involved, I had little to no control of my powers, nor was I as resistant to magic as I am now. How was I supposed to know my blood contained the deadliest virus in all existence? Second, you ponies are mostly to blame, seeing as you attacked me first. Third and finally, I tried to clean up the mess, a mess you made you I might add, but your princesses had to screw that up too.' Of course, Cheerilee couldn’t hear my inner ramblings.
“It’s s-scary…” I heard Sweetie chime in, her tiny body hidden behind her friends Scootaloo and Applebloom.
'Kid, you ain't seen nothin' yet. If I was in my base Armored form, then we can talk scary.'
“He does look pretty tough, but I bet Rainbow Dash could still beat him in no time flat." Scottaloo said, he diminutive wings buzzing as she no doubt thought of how awesome that fight would be. Too bad I wasn't big on being underestimated.
And I'll take that bet, jam it up Dashie's prismatic puckered poop-shoot, and laugh my ass off while doing so. I mean, she's alright an' all, but she ain't even on my level.
“Move along children,” Cheerilee said, as she herded her students along to another part of the garden.
I'm not sure how, but I think Scootaloo somehow picked up on my train of thought. Eying my statue with the intensity of a starved coyote, Scootaloo looked over her shoulder as the others left, before using my bent knees as hoofholds as she started climbing onto my statue.
Hey hey hey! Hands off the merchandise pipsqueak.
Again, my thoughts were ignored, as the orange pegasus perched herself on top of my head, glaring at me upside-down. Her added weight caused my statue to lean ever so slightly forward, whatever adhesive they used to hold it to the pedestal coming loose as I felt my stone prison shift forward.
"Come on Scoots, we're gonna see teh weird lookin' one."
At this point she was very much in my face, staring at me intently with those eyes that look way too big to fit in her head. I mean seriously, how does that even work?!
What the f*** is wrong with this kid.
A squeaky voice then yelled. "Scootaloo hurry up. You're falling behind."
"I know,” Scoots shouted back, her head darting 'up' towards the others. “I'm-, WOAH!"
That head jerk was all it took, as the last of the adhesive gave way, and my statue went careening to the cobblestone walkway below.
Time seemed to slow to a crawl for the three fillies as they watched the statue plummet to the cobblestone walkway in front of its exhibit, where it fell to the group with a resounding crack. For several seconds, nopony moved, nopony even breathed; not even Scootaloo, who'd fallen off the statue's head, and lie sprawled across a patch of grass nearby, didn't so much as turn to see what damage had been done to the no doubt expensive bust.
CRACK!
The small fillies froze in fear, and slowly turned to look at the statue. A large crack formed crown of the staue's head, Another crack, and the statue began visibly shaking, as black and red tendrils forced their way through the growing number of cracks to surround the sculpture itself. The fillies ears folded back as they watched, unable to do anything as a monster broke free of its prison of stone and mortar to roam the world once more. Another crack, and another, and another. More tendrils burst from from their confinements, immediately set to work on freeing the rest of their body, ripping stone from the statue's face, torso, and legs.
The three fillies shrieked, quaking in fear as a particularly large tendril burst from the center of the statue's chest, whipping over their heads to smash another exhibit, followed by another, and another.
“Ms. Cherileeeeee!” The three filles screamed, as they turned tail and ran as fast as their little hoove could carry them, frantically shouting after their teacher.
A large rumble overtook the gardens as the crumbling statue exploded outward, hundreds of red and black tentacles sent flailing about in the open air. Slowly, the writhing tendrils began swirl, circling around one another as they shrunk, getting smaller and smaller as they were seemingly absorbed by something at their point of origin. Eventually, a strange, bipedal figure came into view, as the tendrils continued to be absorbed by it. When all the tendrils were absorbed, the only thing that remained was the figure itself, any discerning features completely covered in the writhing tendrils. Slowly, the tendrils began to disappear, replaced by muscle, then skin, and finally, clothing, as the creature known as Alex Mercer stood there, restored, rejuvenated, and his glowing eyes flashing crimson, as a wicked smile stretched across his face, and a sinister chuckle passed his lips.
"Now, which way's the exit?"
