Aliens are the New Black

by Calamity Cons

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 14052

Rarity has an unwelcome rider on her back. Hilarity ensues. Crossover with Homestuck.

For some inexplicable reason, Sollux Captor from the Homestuck Universe winds up magically bound to Rarity's back and incapable of coming off. Now it's up to Rarity's friends to find a way to separate the two and get Sollux back home, before they do something that they might regret. Like, say, becoming close friends.

Published 2011-11-07 02:30:42 UTC
Last updated 2011-11-20 21:28:44 UTC

Chapter One

Aliens are the New Black

Chapter One

Sollux Captor awoke in the brightness of day to water splashing onto his gray face and black hair, and wetting his shirt. Whatever he was dreaming about was now lost to him, his only thoughts bouncing between “what was that” “who is there” and “where am I” in that order. He kicked his legs frantically in surprise, splashing water everywhere, and accidentally kicked something. His kick was met with the pained neigh of a pony, accompanied with a very real sensation of being violently bucked around by an equine.

He tried to stop the uncomfortable sensation of being bucked around everywhere by grabbing onto the thing directly in front of him, which turned out to be the neck of the very pony trying to buck him off. Strangely, despite his arms having all the power of a limp noodle, always inferior to his psychic abilities, he was not successfully bucked. From this he could understand two things. One; he was sitting atop an angry pony that was trying to get him off. Two; he was somehow stuck on the back of said pony, and incapable of being removed.

He and the pony he was apparently riding were definitely not the only ones present, at least. He could distinctly make out at least two other voices, both female, and both angry. The closest voice seemed to be coming from directly in front of him, but he couldn’t see anything on account of having smooth locks of purple hair stuck in his face. The second voice seemed to be scolding someone else, but the voices were overlapping too much for him to make out what they were saying.

Eventually, someone’s voice rang out loudly, insisting that Rarity stop bucking. The pony he was riding, evidently named Rarity, stopped bucking him all over the place long enough for him to get his bearings. The troll, however, was too shocked by the strange wake-up call to lift his face from the blanket of purple hair in front of him. Although he was able to hear the voices that were speaking to him quite clearly.

“Alright, let’s try and slow down here.” The other voice said, “Now, the book says that in the case of meeting an obtrusive creature, one of the first things you should do is talk to it to try to get it out. In this case, off. So, whoever or whatever you are, please tell us why you refuse to get off of Rarity’s back,” The voice continued, clearly addressing Sollux directly. “If you will.” She added after a short pause.

Sollux could only respond with a groan, still buried in the hair. He started feeling really sick after the unwelcomed movement earlier, coupled with the fact that he had forgotten to eat before going to sleep and the hair he was clinging to was reeking of honey and raspberries and he hated raspberries so basically it was all he could do not to gag. The silence lasted an eternity for everyone, only being broken by a faint flapping of wings and an odd, boing-sound from behind him.

“Um, I think it might be… a little… sick from all… the… bucking” a third female voice spoke out, so softly he could barely hear her. “I mean, you… you did kick it around a lot… Rarity…” Wow, that voice was really soft and sheepish. He would have pitied her if he weren’t on the verge of hurling. Though, less so than earlier, at least.

“You think he’s gonna puke?” Yet another female voice asked.

“I certainly hope not!” said the closest voice, the voice that belonged to Rarity (as far as he could tell). Strange… Sollux could almost swear that the voice was coming… from the pony he was involuntarily riding. “I just washed my hair this morning!” She added. Sollux’s feelings immediately shifted from pity to contempt. He regained his composure, took a deep breath, and ignored the swirls in his stomach for the time being. Grunting loudly, he pulled himself away from the hair to get a look at his… wait…

… This was not what he had expected.

“Let’s try and take this a bit more slowly.” The purple pony said. Sollux was in no position to respond though. Where the hell was he? How could he understand these alien hoofbeasts? What was he doing here? What happened last night? This was the stuff of his sugar-coated nightmares, definitely nothing he was used to. Why were there so many ponies? And why were they all female?

Not to mention the sunlight constantly pouring into the room was starting to hurt his eyes, what with being a nocturnal species and all. Evidently these creatures were diurnal, and since he was somehow bound to the back of one of them, he was probably going to get sunburned to death. If he survived this, he was going to blame it all on FLARP, and especially the three girls that had apparently thought it would be a good idea to get him wrapped into the whole thing in the first pl—

“I said greetings! Alien from another planet!” The purple pony bellowed, grabbing Sollux’s attention again, “My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I am a Unicorn from the city of Canterlot, here in Equestria. What’s your name?”

Sollux could do little but stare through his dual-tinted glasses. He looked down at the pony he was riding (Rarity?), a similar creature to Twilight—same horn, at least. Everything else was different though; Rarity’s hair was a smooth, curly violet, while Twilight’s hair was black with colored streaks through it. Rarity’s body was white, while Twilight’s was purple, and yet they both held themselves with the same air of self-confidence that he had seen only so many times. It became clear to him that these were both high bloods, and that he was currently stuck to one of them for reasons unknown. This troubled him.

“Ohhh okay then. Maybe you’re just not comfortable talking to me yet because of all the other ponies around here? So, let me try again. My name,” Twilight pointed to herself with her hoof for emphasis, “Is Twilight Sparkle, and as I said before I am a Unicorn. The pony you’re riding on right now is Rarity, she’s also a Unicorn.” Rarity stole a glance at Sollux at the mention of her name.

“This,” Twilight pointed upwards to the blue, flying pony above her, “is Rainbow Dash. She is a pegasus. Down here is Fluttershy. She’s also a pegasus, but she’s uh… not as outgoing as Rainbow Dash is.” Fluttershy uttered a strange squeaky sound at this. Then all of a sudden he was assaulted by the pink, bouncing pony that had previously been behind him.

“And I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m an Earth Pony, and I don’t have any fancy wings or horns or anything, but that’s not that big of a deal because I have a lot of other special talents! In fact, we all have a bunch of special talents! I’m good at parties, Rainbow’s good at sports, Twilight’s good at magic, Rarity’s good at designing, Fluttershy’s good with animals and ooh! Ooh! You have a cutie-mark too! What’s your special talent?”

Sollux had no idea what to say. What in the world was a cutie mark? This motor mouth seemed pretty adamant that he respond though…

“What’2 a cutiie mark?” he asked stupidly, his lisp becoming incredibly obvious. The pony gasped loudly.

“You don’t know what a cutie mark is!?”

“Ah, no.” Sollux narrowed his eyes.

“Oh yeah? Then, how do you explain that?” The blue pegasus (her name was Rainbow Dash, right?) accused, pointing her hoof directly at the yellow symbol on Sollux’s shirt.

“You mean my 2ymbol? Uhh…” Sollux started to backtrack a little bit. How was he going to explain the whole symbol thing? A troll’s symbol described almost everything about them; their place in the hierarchy, their natural talents, the amount of mutations in their genes, what their personality entails…

“Hey… is that the symbol for Gemini?” Twilight asked, stepping closer to get a good look at his symbol.

“What?”

“The symbol you have on your shirt. It’s the same one used to represent the constellation of Gemini.” Sollux gave her a quizzical look, “You know, in astrology?” Okay, that’s it. Sollux decided he wasn’t going to have any more questions.

“Get me off.” He said sternly, looking back at Twilight.

“No can do, mister alien!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing around in a haphazard circular shape around him and Rarity, “We’ve already tried everything we could to get you off of Rarity just a few minutes ago!”

“Everythiing?”

“Oh yes, we have tried absolutely everything we could think of!” Rarity stated, “Failsafe spells, forceful pulling, wind and rain and weather… why, the only thing we hadn’t tried yet was just asking you, so if you please wouldn’t mind undoing whatever spell you did to get on my back and doing us both a favor by getting off?”

“Uh…” Sollux shook his head a little, squinting his eyes in the brightness, trying not to yawn. It wasn’t… quite as bright as the sun on Alternia, but it was still obnoxious and distracting him. “II don’t think II can.”

“What? Why not?” Rarity asked.

“II’ve got a huge headache.” Sollux couldn’t help himself, and yawned, “And II 2hould probably be a2leep riight now, too.”

“Asleep? What are you, an owl? Hee hee!” Pinkie Pie said.

“What’2 an owl?”

“Um…” Sollux turned to face the new voice, looking straight at Fluttershy. She shrunk away at his gaze. “I mean, an owl is… a bird that is asleep during the day… and awake at night.”

“What we mean is, are you nocturnal?” Twilight clarified.

“Ye2.” Sollux said. “All troll2 are.”

“Oh, so, your species is called trolls?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah…” Sollux got a bad feeling about this.

“Ooh! This is exciting! What does your symbol mean?”

“Iit mean2, uh… Iit mean2 II am who II am.” Sollux said after a half-hearted attempt to condense the extensive meaning of his sign.

“So it is like a cutie mark!” Pinkie Pie said.

“II... gue22?”

“What else can you tell me about your kind? What planet are you from? Is your species a matriarchy or a patriarchy? How many moons does your home planet have? Have you ever made contact with other species before? How did you get here?” Twilight asked in rapid succession. Sollux blinked confusedly, trying to process all of the information he was just asked for in his mind. Not too big of a problem for one with such a high IQ as his.

“Iin order; II’m from a planet known a2 Alterniia, my 2peciie2 ii2 a matriiarchy, two moon2 and one moonlet orbiitiing the other moon, no, II haven’t, and II have no iidea.”

Twilight excitedly paced the floor in a neat circle, processing everything she heard from the troll as well as she could. Sollux waited for her somewhat impatiently, realizing he wasn’t going to go anywhere any time soon, but still antsy from being the same room as five talking female ponies.

“Ooh, this is so exciting! If it’s not too big of a deal, I still have a few more questions, if you don’t mind—”

“Oh come on, Twilight! You can ask him about his life story later!” Rainbow Dash interjected. Twilight gave Rainbow Dash a stern glare, before regaining her composure and picking up where she left off.

“Okay. So, from what you’ve told me, you have no recollection of what you did or did not do that ended with you magically bound to Rarity’s back with no visible means of reversing the effect, correct?”

“Nope.”

“And you also don’t know how you’re going to get off Rarity’s back either, correct?”

“Hiit the naiil on the head now can we plea2e get on wiith iit?” Sollux asked. He gave Twilight an annoyed leer, his mouth twisting into a frown.

“…Alright then.” Twilight said after a moment of pause, “So, since you—”

“Ooh! Ooh! I have a question! I have a question!” Pinkie Pie said, receiving groans from both Rainbow Dash and Sollux. This was starting to get out of hand. How many questions was he going to have to answer before these dumb ponies get to the point and fix the problem at hand? They were being so inefficient and—

“Mister Alien, why do your horns look like candy corn?” Pinkie asked anyway, ignoring the disapproving grunts from her friend and source of inquiry. Sollux blinked in confusion, but his eyebrows remained furrowed.

“What’2 candy corn?” he asked. Pinkie Pie gasped loudly in surprise, again, causing Rarity to lean back a ways.

“You don’t know what candy corn is!?”

“Uh… no.” Sollux said plainly. This gained him a look of severe disapproval from the obnoxiously brightly-colored pony. Actually scratch that—they were ALL brightly and obnoxiously colored. The only one that seemed to have a semblance of unobtrusive coloring scheme was the very pony he was riding. Okay, so white might be a little gothic, but it was still better than being purple, or pink, or blue with every color he could name in their hair.

“A-hem.” Twilight said loudly, trying to get their attention back. “So, since you clearly have no idea what happened that ended with you here in Equestria and magically bound to Rarity’s back, that can only mean one thing!”

“Ooh! Ooh! What would that be?” Pinkie Pie asked, bouncing with excitement, her earlier anger seemingly dissipating into thin air.

“We have a mystery on our hands!” Twilight said proudly, puffing her chest out, “And don’t worry your pretty little alien head,” she added, pushing her head up to Sollux’s face for emphasis, “I will not rest, until I discover the reason behind your sudden appearance!” She beamed as she said this, head right in his face the entire time, giving him a clear view of the fact that she had some green stuff stuck between her two front teeth.

It was all Sollux could do to keep from face palming. What!? Seriously? That was what she thought the problem was? She thought the most important thing to do at the moment was to figure out how he got here? He didn’t give a crap about how he got here, he just wanted to get off this stupid horse and back to his hive on Alternia!

“Wow, gee, thank2, II gue22.” Sollux said, his words dripping with sarcasm, “but II would rather you fiigure out a way two get me back to my home planet.” Twilight’s open eyes started to lose their sheen, and she pulled her head back. Sollux’s face was now twisted in anger.

“II mean, II’m 2ure you guy2 liike liiviing on your home planet, and, oh, what do you know! II liike beiing on my home planet a2 well! 2o you can 2kiip all the my2tery-2olviing and viillaiin cha2iing and ju2t get to the part where II get off thii2 2tupiid hor2e and back to my planet.”

Gasps of surprise came from everyone this time, not just Pinkie Pie. Rarity lifted herself up onto her haunches, making him lose his balance and begin to fall. She landed tersely on the ground, and Sollux was effectively disoriented and shaken. Rarity now had his full attention.

“Now you listen here, mister.” Rarity craned her neck to look her rider in one of her eyes, “I don’t care who you are, or where you’re from, but for whatever reason you are on my back, and while you are on my back, you live on my rules.” The fire in her eyes was clear, and she would not take no for an answer. Sollux said no anyway.

“Oh yeah? And what iif ii don’t do anythiing you 2ay and be a2 iirriitable a2 po22iible?”

“And why would you do that?”

“Oh, II dunno, maybe becau2e you’re ju2t a 2tupiid pony thiing and II’m a 2ophii2tiicated and iintelligent creature wiith a miind that 2urely 2urpa22e2 your2?”

“Hey! You can’t talk to Rarity like that!” Rainbow Dash said, flying closer to him and getting all up in his face (clearly it seemed these ponies had no sense of personal space at all) “And where did you get that big hot shot attitude of yours, anyway?”

“What’2 iit two you, anonymou2?” He retorted, glaring at the rainbow colors of her mane and tail.

“Anonymous? What kind of an insult is that?”

“Well, maybe iit’2 becau2e you’re 2o a2hamed of your blood color you’d wear all of them at once?”

“Blood color? Ooh! Ooh! Does your species have different blood colors?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“What, you don’t?” Sollux responded. Pinkie Pie opened her mouth to ask more questions, but was stopped almost instantaneously by Twilght.

“HEY!” Twilight yelled out again, grabbing all of their attention. “Now listen mister troll, Rarity’s right. You should show respect as a guest and visitor to our planet by conforming to our customs for the time being, showing proper etiquette, and refraining from using inappropriate language.” Twilight began. “Furthermore, you should always be respectful to your elders, so you are obligated to blah blah blah blah”

Twilight continued like this for what felt like hours to Sollux. Watching her pace the ground and give him a lecture on proper pony politeness, all while the light of the sun poured into the room like warm milk… He just couldn’t help himself. He rested his head on Rarity’s hair once more, a remarkably comfortable and soft pillow for his head. She either didn’t notice or didn’t care, and in moments, Sollux had fallen asleep, forgetting that he was in a strange new planet with no way to get back home in sight as soon as he closed his eyes.

“Aaand he fell asleep. Is he asleep? Yes, he’s asleep.” Twilight groaned, throwing her hoof into her face in exasperation.

Rarity took a glance at her rider, finding him relaxed and breathing softly, his face buried in her mane once more. He was clearly asleep. Again. Perhaps she couldn’t really blame him; he did say he was nocturnal after all. But still—his colors were just so dark and desaturated and it didn’t go well at all with anything in the room! Perhaps it made sense for a nocturnal creature to have a dark color scheme but come on!

His colors clashed terribly with her natural mane and coat. She would very much like him to get off as soon as possible, since having a permanent rider like this was not only severely unfashionable, it was also becoming cumbersome, putting strain on her back. Well, okay, he wasn’t that heavy, and to be quite honest he didn’t actually weigh anything at all but still!

“What a rude little boy he is!” Rarity said, “Where did he get such a sharp tongue? And how did he become so self-centered?”

“Who knows? Maybe that kind of stuff is normal for trolls!” Pinkie Pie asked.

“See? This is exactly why I wanted to ask him more questions about his species! The things we could have learned about him could have been really important! We would have known what offended him, or what social class he is, or—”

“Blah blah blah whatever.” Rainbow interjected, “If wherever he’s from uses the word anonymous as an insult, I bet it must be pretty dull.”

“Who knows, Rainbow Dash? For all we know, he could be seriously offended by those who prefer to remain anonymous!” Twilight retorted.

“Yeah, and maybe he could be seriously offended by like, buckets or something.”

“Well, whatever his reasoning may be, you can’t just leave him stuck to me like this!” Rarity finally said, interrupting their argument, “I can’t work with him on my back all the time. I haven’t even started on the final dress for my latest commission and if I don’t finish it by tonight, the release date will have to be delayed! The commissioners have already been waiting a week for them. It would be unfair to make them wait any longer.” Rarity said.

“Calm down, Rarity. I’m sure we can fix this in time for you to finish that commission.” Twilight reassured.

“Are you quite certain about that?”

“Certain as I’ll ever be.” Twilight said with a smile.

“Yeah, and even if he doesn’t end up coming off ever again, think of all the media attention you can get with having a bona-fide alien on your back!” Pinkie Pie cheered, blissful as ever. “And one with candy corn on his head, no less!”

“Thank you for the, uh, support, dear.” Rarity said, inwardly cringing at the thought of becoming a paparazzi freak show with an alien stuck to her back. “Still, I would, much rather he gets off at some point. And not just for my sake!” She added, “He seems to be just a child, after all. His parents must be worried sick about him.”

“What do you mean a child? The way he talked it sounded like he was, I dunno, twenty or something!” Rainbow said.

“Well, I’m not expert, but from what I can tell he seems to be pretty young. I’m not sure though—I’ll have to ask Lyra about human anatomy later to be sure.”

“Why would you ask Lyra about it?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yeah! I don’t know about you, but he looks way too gray to be a human!” Pinkie Pie said.

“A-hem.” Rarity said. Really, these ponies are getting way too off-topic. Couldn’t they see how dire the situation was? She had an alien on her back. And neither she nor her unwelcomed rider knew how to get him off, or even how he had gotten on her in the first place. All she remembers is a bright, vivid light coming from what appeared to be a beam of sunlight… And then, the next thing she knew, there was an alien on her back! How on earth was she going to get him off now?

She voiced all of her concerns to her friends. Surely they can focus long enough to at least reassure her. But still, Rarity would have liked nothing more than proof that they cared enough about her to get him off. If only Applejack were here; she would have been able to find a logical solution to this almost immediately, and keep all the ponies from getting off-topic so often. But then again, it was Applebuck Season. She was probably going to be busy with harvesting for the next week or so.

“Don’t worry Rarity! I’m sure we’re going to get him off of you in no time!” Pinkie said.

“Yeah! We’ll get him off as soon as we can! Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, Rarity. He’s getting off of you if it’s the last thing I do!” Rainbow said, stretching her muscles for emphasis.

“I’ll go through the library’s archives to see if I can find anything about your situation. I’m sure there has to be at least one spell to get him off you. If nothing else, I might be able to find the spell that got him on you in the first place.” Twilight said.

“Oh, but what if there isn’t a way to get him off of her?” Fluttershy asked.

“Not a problem, Fluttershy. If all else fails, we can always ask Princess Celestia about it. She’ll know what to do for sure.”

“Yeah! Don’t worry Rarity; we’ll get mister candy-corn off your back lickety-split!” Pinkie said.

“You already said that!” Rainbow Dash said.

“I did?”

“Oh that’s wonderful, thank you all very much!” Rarity said before Rainbow and Pinkie derailed the conversation again. Still, she couldn’t help but laugh. She really didn’t have anything to worry about, did she? Her friends were going to help her get through this. Nothing was going to stop them from helping her. So, by that logic, nothing should stop her from finishing those dresses! Things were going to be okay. She was sure of it.

But she still couldn’t help but wonder one thing about her new rider. And it wasn’t how he got here, or why he behaved the way he did, or how old he was, or even clarifying questions about his wardrobe. What she wondered the most was… what were his friends doing? Were they trying to find him? Were they completely unaware that he was gone? Did he even have any friends?

She would have to ask him about it once he woke up. For now, she would just have to wait. And yet, she couldn’t shake the feeling that things were going to go pretty sour, pretty soon.

Chapter Two

Aliens are the New Black
Chapter Two

“Alright, now I know you’re probably sick to death of questions by now, but I have to know a few things before I can get to work on my next commission so I would appreciate it if you were kind enough to answer just a few of mine?” Rarity asked as soon as her new rider awoke from a restless nap. She waited a short while for an answer, all the while putting one hoof in front of the other.

“…What?” came his response. Rarity sighed and lowered her head down, trying her best to be patient with him. She had expected him to be at least a little more cognizant by the time he woke up, assuming quite reasonably that he may not have been all the way asleep with his wriggling and writhing. Though too be fair, he did say he was nocturnal… And for all she knew, he may have been having a nightmare. Who was she to complain?

But still, there were some things that she needed to know, and things that she knew he needed to know if they were going to make this whole ‘rider’ thing work. Questions needed to be asked, agreements needed to be made, the usual. So she gathered her composure, walking along through the hidden pathway gracefully, trying to be as proper as possible with a rider.

She wasn’t walking right through the town square of Ponyville, heavens no. She had made sure to go a special route that she had reserved for bad hair days. It was a quick way to get from the outskirts of Ponyville to her boutique over west while getting the least amount of exposure to the public as possible. Useful indeed, when she probably looked as though she had some black splotch of what the hell is that growing out of her back to others.

“I want you to answer just a few of my questions before we can move forward with this whole… you living on my back thing. Think that you can do that for me?” She summarized. She heard a couple of groans from her rider, no doubt more than a little miffed. At what, she had no idea. Was it the sunlight? Or was riding on the back of a horse more uncomfortable than she first assumed?

She certainly hoped it wasn’t because he had to go to the bathroom. She had no idea how that was going to work. Well, perhaps if he could shift his leg over to the same side as the other and then maybe OKAY this was not a ladylike thing to think about. Oh, but the alternative would have been even worse, and okay maybe she would have to bring this up later but NOT NOW.

“…Fiine II’ll an2wer your 2tupiid que2tiion2.” He finally said, pulling Rarity out of her uncomfortable thought train. Rarity coughed and straightened up a bit to present herself, and trying to push sanitation issues out of her mind for the time being. She started thinking up what she was going to ask her rider first when it came to her like a new idea for a design.

“Alright. Let’s start with a simple one; do trolls have names?”

“Of cour2e we have name2.” Came his reply, dripping with sarcasm. Just like earlier, when he had snapped at Twilight in her library. Rarity flipped her mane out of habit, and then continued the conversation.

“No need to sound so pompous about it.” Rarity said, gaining a nice little ‘harrumph’ in response, “Would you be so kind as to tell me what your name is, exactly? I’m sure you already know that my name is Rarity.”

“2ollux.” Rarity stopped in her tracks, landing with two hooves on the ground and two in mid-stride.

“Thollukth? What sort of a name is that?” She asked, lowering her hooves and turning her head to give her rider a sideways glance.

“No, my name ii2 2ollux.”

“You just said the exact same thing.”

“II have a lii2p!”

“OH! Oh, I get it!” Rarity exclaimed, somewhat ashamed that she didn’t make the connection herself, “That’s a nice name, I suppose. Hmm… Your name is Sol lux then?” ‘Sollux’ nodded tiredly, and then stretched his arms with a loud yawn. Clearly he was still tired, even with that short nap he took.

“You know, that’s funny… If your name is Sol and Lux put together, shouldn’t that mean something? I’m pretty sure it’s from a different language…”

“Do II look liike II care?”

“Well I care.” Rarity said, continuing on her way to her boutique. There was a zoning silence between the two of them for a while. Rarity decided to fill it by mulling over her rider’s name. She could have sworn they were from another language, and a language that she knew she could speak at least a little bit. She just couldn’t remember which language… Then it dawned on her.

“Sollux?”

“What.”

“I think your name is Latin for something! Yes, yes, it’s definitely Latin. Ohhh, I can’t remember what your name actually means though.”

“What’2 Latiin?”

“Oh, it’s just an archaic language from a long time ago that gave us ponies our writing system. I studied it for a while back when I was in Magic School. Let’s see… I know that mater means mother, domus means home… I just can’t remember what sol and lux mean!”

“Maybe iit mean2 ‘lazy wa2te of 2pace who play2 viideo game2 all night’.”

“Oh! I remember it now!” Rarity said on top of Sollux’s comment.

“Remember what?” Sollux asked, bored.

“I remember what the pieces of your name mean!”

“Joy.”

“In the Latin language, sol means sun, and lux means light! So, that means that your name means Sunlight! Oh, that’s perfect!” Rarity said out loud. She heard no response from her rider however, prompting her to stop once more and give him another sideways look. He had his arms crossed against his chest, and he sat as heavily as he could on her back, eyes narrowed, and colorful glasses gleaming.

“What.” He asked. Rarity rolled her eyes, and then shifted her attention back to the pathway.

“Oh, it’s nothing really. I just figured out what I’m going to call you.”

“… Don’t care.”

“Then it’s settled! From now on, your name is Sunlight!”

“Whatever float2 your—wait! No iit ii2n’t!”

“Oh, but it is a much better name for you than Sollux. Sollux doesn’t roll off the tongue at all, and no one will be able to know a thing about you with a name like that! Oh, it pains me just to say it, it’s so cluttered and… icky! Names are the first impression one gets of you, you know, and a name like Sollux tells you nothing but bad, ugly things. Besides, if it means sunlight anyway, then why not just say that your name is Sunlight in the first place?”

“My name doe2 not mean 2unliight!!”

“Now, Sunlight, I don’t want you to raise your voice! Somepony might hear you.” Rarity said smugly. She could just feel Sunlight seething with anger on her back. It made her glad to realize that he wasn’t going to do anything to harm her any time soon.

“Settle down now, Sunlight. I’ve got some more business to take care of.” Sunlight only responded with a forced yawn.

“Now, here’s the deal. We’ve almost arrived at my boutique, but before we get there I want to make a few things perfectly clear. I don’t want any mishaps inside my living quarters or my work station while I’m finishing up that commission today.” Rarity said, on top of Sunlight’s blubbering fits.

“Rule number one: While we are in my boutique I do not want you to touch anything at all—absolutely nothing! My fabrics and tools are delicate and are only to be used by the most dexterous of magicians and unicorns. Rule number two: When I am concentrating on something, no matter how arbitrary it seems to you, you will not bother or blunder or brush against anything at all! That means no groaning, no complaining, no sudden movements, and no… whatever else you could possibly think of to bug me. Rule number three: Please don’t fall asleep on me again. Did you know that you writhe around in your sleep? It’s very unbecoming and it agitates my complexion, so if you could just be a dear and—”

“Oh would you ju2t 2hut up!”

“Ah! Here we are! My boutique!” Rarity said, ignoring Sunlight’s rudeness. Rarity galloped a short ways, coming to a stop in front of the back door to her quarters. From here, it was just a quick opening and closing of the doors and a run inside, and she could get back to work and pretend that she didn’t have a rude alien on her back.

“Wow, a giiant toy cake that you liive iin. Fa2cinatiing.” Sollux droned. Rarity ignored him and did a quick check of the surrounding area—everything seemed to be in order. The walls were free of any sticky toys or otherwise, the roads were nice and tidy, and—oh look!

Rarity walked up to look at the new primroses Sweetie Belle had planted just a few days ago. Rarity still wasn’t quite sure if she was up to the task of caring for her own plants yet, but she seemed to be doing a great job of it so far. It is pretty difficult to run down a couple flights of stairs from her bedroom all the way down to the garden to water and fertilize and care for a plant, especially for a little filly! How sweet of her to oh my gosh SWEETIE BELLE WAS INSIDE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

“Ohhh no no no no no no!” Rarity stuttered, pacing in a quick circle and looking around the area. Suddenly she remembered everything that Sweetie Belle had told her this morning, but the most prominent one was… okay, it was either that she wanted to try and see if having a Mohawk mane would look cool, or that she was going on yet another quest for her cutie mark today. And where there was cutie mark finding, there were the other Cutie Mark Crusaders just waiting to jump in and start yelling all the time.

“What ii2 iit thii2 tiime?” Sollux asked, breaking Rarity’s thought process. Rarity shushed him, and he repeated his question again, only in a much lower voice. Rarity turned her head around to take a quick sweep of the area. Nopony else was there. Good.

“Listen Sunlight… Yes okay fine, your name isn’t Sunlight, whatever, just listen. My younger sister Sweetie Belle is inside that house right now and her little friends are coming over today. They could be here any minute, so when they show up, please try your best not to scare them, okay?”

“Oh, okay, 2ure. II’ll try two be a2 non-threateniing a2 po22iible. What do you want me two do? Dre22 iin drag and do the hula?”

“No! Just… just stay still and be quiet, okay?”

“2o you want me two be a 2tatue?”

“Ugh, fine, whatever.” Rarity responded, taking some tentative steps towards her door. “Just try to keep calm.” Whatever Sollux said next was a bit too quiet for Rarity to make out, so she straightened herself up a bit, flipped her bangs to the side, and took a deep breath before finally taking the risk and going inside.

If there was anything at all that Sollux learned while being in this cavity-inducing hell of a nightmare, it was that the only thing more annoying than talking female ponies playing 20 Questions with him were tiny talking female ponies playing 20 Questions with him.

“What’s with the candy on yer head, mister alien?” The little yellow one with the giant pink bow in her mane asked. What was up with that giant pink bow anyway? How did she put it on? Why did she put it on? To make everyone who laid their eyes on her pity her? Not going to happen, you little snot.

“Wow, your colors are so dull. And what’s up with your face? Where’s your snout? Wow, you’re so lame.” The orange pegasus pony said, flying right up to his face. The whole no sense of personal space thing was becoming a bit less notable, since he figured that’s just the way all ponies were at this point. But still, Sollux wanted nothing more than to bite that stupid little horse-grub’s snout off.

“What does that yellow thing on your shirt mean?” Oh for crying out loud they’re still talking?

“Is that your cutie mark?”

“Oh! Oh! How’d ya get yer cutie mark, mister alien?”

“Yeah, and what does it mean? Inquiring minds want to know!”

Yeah, and he wanted to know why the hell a symbol was so important to these dorks. Who cares what your symbol is, anyway? Loosely translated, his symbol meant “Please take this sorry excuse for a troll and throw him in the nearest garbage receptacle, then stuff his face down a load gaper and hike his pants up to his armpits, thus making an example of this pasty high-strung bifurcated idiot who thinks he’s smarter than everyone”. Oh, but he couldn’t possibly tell these little angels that, because that wouldn’t be cute enough. Or something.

“Scootaloo! Apple Bloom! M-maybe we should just leave him alone…! He looks a-angry…!” Came the timid voice of the little white one on the weird, soft-looking table thing with all the drapes on it behind him. He figured this one must have been Rarity’s ‘younger sister’, whatever that meant. What was her name again? Oh who cares? He doesn’t.

“Ha, no way! I bet his face is just stuck that way normally! It’s pretty ugly if you ask me.”

“Scootaloo!” Rarity finally chimed in. “That is no way to treat a guest!”

“But why is he on your back in the first place?” Scootaloo asked. She was pretty close. He could just reach over and squeeze her neck…

“We don’t know, Scootaloo. But while he’s here, it’s really not ladylike of you to insult him and call him names!”

“Ladylike? BLUH! The day I’m ladylike is the day I sleep in a tube of slime!” Sollux cocked an eyebrow at this comment. You mean she didn’t sleep in a tube of slime regularly? That didn’t make much sense. How could she possibly avoid having terrible nightmares without sopor slime? He could have sworn the sopor was the only reason these confounded ponies could possibly be so… so… sickeningly sweet and kooky.

“I bet he’s just a big fat loser!”

Oh, okay, that’s it. Sollux could take this abuse no longer. He had had it up to his forehead with all these stupid questions and insults. If he didn’t make them shut up right now, he was going to flip his bifurcated lid all the way off this stupid planet. It would just be him and the carcass of this stupid unicorn he was riding, spinning off into space, screaming.

That was a good idea actually.

“Sunlight! Whatever are you doing!?” Rarity exclaimed. Sollux didn’t really do anything other than chuckle maniacally. He was too happy to bother trying to correct Rarity. Both Scootaloo and Apple Bloom dashed underneath the covers with Sweetie Belle, shivering. It was hilarious. He hardly even did anything!

“Who’2 the lo2er now?”

“Uh, w-we are?” Sweetie Belle squeaked out.

“Ye2 you are. Now GET OUT OF MY FACE!” He yelled.

“That sounds like a great idea yep yep yep come on girls let’s go my scooter’s outside we can go somewhere else for our sleepover anyway and—”

“II 2AIID GET OUT!”

With that, the three tiny ponies bolted out the door as fast as their little hooves could carry them, scared out of their wits. Sollux watched them run away, laughing to himself. These little grubs were so weak! Hadn’t their lusi ever taught them how to defend themselves? How could they be scared of him anyway? He was only six! Sure his teeth were sharp and his claws pointy, but overall he was as weak as a noodle without using his psionic powers. If these ponies were so easily frightened, he may as well do the same to his steed and get off of her quicker.

But Rarity had other ideas.

It was then that Rarity made a quick bucking motion, which made Sollux land face first on the ground, somehow still being magically bound to Rarity by his leg. How this worked at all was a mystery to Rarity, but not one she bothered trying to figure out. She had a much more pressing matter to attend to, that being giving her immature and antagonistic rider a stern talking-to.

“Now, listen here, Sunlight! I know for a fact that I specifically told you not to scare my younger sister and her little friends, and you deliberately disobeyed me! Your behavior is unacceptable and uncouth, and I refuse to tolerate it! I don’t know or care about what you learned as a child or how you grew up, but while you are here in Ponyville and especially while you are here in my boutique, you are not going to behave that way under any circumstances at all! Do. You. Un-der-stand.”

“Yeah… II get iit.” Sollux replied, with a cracking voice.

“Now, if there will be no more interruptions, I have a dress to finish for my commissioners. They’re expecting it tomorrow, and I will not tolerate tardiness for a request this large. It’s for Hoity-Toity you know, he’s been one of my regulars since that fashion show I did of my dresses for the Grand Galloping Gala and—”

“Okay.” he said quietly. Rarity realized she had been babbling, and groaned. Of course this imbecile wouldn’t be interested in her job. Why would he be? From what she could tell, he was probably no older than a young teenager, and teenagers were notoriously closed-minded.

“2o am II ju2t goiing two have two 2tay liike thii2 or…?” Sollux asked.

“Oh, very well.” She sighed. With another small grunt of disapproval, Rarity lifted Sollux up onto her back again, in a proper rider position, the purple aura of her dexterous magic enveloping him neatly. Everything was prim and proper and neat, and she thought that maybe she could—

“Whoa whoa whoa, waiit. You’re a p2iioniic?”

“Excuse me?” Rarity spat. What was it now? If this was some ploy to get her to change her mind, she was ready to make it perfectly clear that she was not intending to negotiate anything.

“You ju2t u2ed p2ychiic abiiliitiie2 two get me back on your back properly, diidn’t you? That mean2 you’re a p2iioniic.”

“I am not a thee-on-ick, I am a unicorn!”

“Oh yeah, then how diid you get me up here wiithout hand2?”

“I use magic to manipulate objects that I can’t manipulate properly with my hooves.”

“2eriiou2ly?”

“Well, yes. What were you expecting?”

“II expected you two be a hiighblood, but apparently you’re not.”

“A high blood?” Rarity mused, beginning to manipulate her environment to work on that final commissioned dress. She knew that this final dress was going to be a brilliant shade of orange, perhaps with a nice little sun in the center in honor of Princess Celestia… “I’m afraid I’m not one of those, dear. My, erm, origins are quite low class, believe it or not.”

“Then how did you manage two afford all of thii2?”

“Well, it wasn’t really all that hard. Just because my origins were humble doesn’t mean I couldn’t work my way up the ranks.” Rarity started musing a bit on her history, but tried not to dwell on it… come to think of it, perhaps a nice little touch of the middle-class fashions would suit the skirt. Oh, oh, what if there were little dangly pieces of green gemstone wait no that looks terrible.

“2o, what, you changed your blood color 2omehow?” Rarity’s concentration was suddenly jolted away from her current dress, causing her to drop all of her supplies.

“What is it with you and blood colors? What is there some sort of… nominal importance to what your blood color is? I didn’t even know blood could be different colors!”

“Oh yeah, we pretty much have every color in the universe available to us.” Sollux said, “Our empress made up a caste system based on it.”

“A caste system? Based on blood color? How does that even work?”

“Well, the blue and purple blood2 are on top of the hemo2pectrum, whiich mean2 they’re the nobiiliity and then iit goe2 down from there. II don’t remember how far down iit goe2, but II’m pretty 2ure II’m one of the lowe2t in the 2y2tem.”

“Oh, well, that is very interesting… But that’s not what I meant with my question.” Rarity said. This was starting to give her some ideas… Oh, but she couldn’t put a rainbow on this dress, it was part of a 12-part ensemble piece that already had a hood theme going for it, with monochromatic color schemes for the entire outfit save the shoes. It was going to blow everyone away!

“Well, what diid you mean?” Sollux asked, breaking Rarity away from her thoughts once again. This time she paid no heed to it, and started holding up different shades of yellow-orange to the burnt ochre of the skirt, trying to find the right color for its lace…

“What I meant was… You know, the whole, having different blood colors thing. How is that even possible?” Rarity asked, her curiosity piqued.

“How do you never get bored of asking me so many questions all the time?” Rarity dropped the yellow fabric pieces and turned to give a sideways glance to Sollux. Was he trying to pick another fight?

“Well! Excuse me for trying to be open-minded to xenophysiology!”

“That’2 not a word, diirtbag.” Rarity could have sworn a record had scratched right at that moment. Dirtbag!? HER!? She was not…! Okay, okay, calm down Rarity. Her face began to contort into the ugliest puckers and eyeball twitches, just barely containing her anger and fury!

Ah, there we go. Bright eyes, happy smile! She was on top of this. She could do this. She was not going to let some annoying brat get her down today, no sirree!

“Listen Sunlight—”

“My name ii2 not 2unliight!”

“I’m only trying to be polite here!”

“And proper pony politeness means badgering me with questions all the time?”

Rarity was having a hard time keeping up with these questions. Oh, how selfish could she be? He was right to say that, actually. He must be feeling just awful with the non-stop torrent of questions always coming his way that he had to answer. But on the other hoof, without asking questions about him, someone might get the wrong impression of him and his kind, and treat him badly. She knew only so well how those situations ended… Especially in regards to how the town initially reacted to Zecora.

“I need to ask you questions in order to—”

“Hey! Here’2 an iidea! Press F1 on your magiic keyboard or 2omethiing 2o II don’t have to explaiin iit all two you liike you’re 2ome dumb wriiggler!”

Okay, that’s it. All politeness has officially gone out the window. It was time to assert herself and put this obnoxious little brat in his place! YEAH!

“Now listen here you rude little abomination!” Rarity began, only to have the rest of her sentence overshadowed by Sollux’s response.

“Ohhh whoa ii2 me! A hor2e lady called me an abomiinaaaaaaaatiion! Oh, all of my honor and diigniity have been dii2graced and loooooooo2t!”

“Stop whining!”

“Oh, okay, you want me to be more diirect then? Well how’2 THII2?” Sollux yelled, lifting his hand and enveloping it in red magic—Or was it some sort of scientifically explainable thing that was different from magic? Whatever they were, he still managed to use his powers to take an overlaying piece of fabric on Rarity’s current dress, and ripped it clean off. Rarity gasped, boggling at the large, gaping tear from the skirt of her new dress. What has he done!?

WHAT HAS HE DONE!?

Enraged, she lifted her haunches up, intending on bucking him off of her once and for all. Unfortunately, Sollux saw this a mile coming, and used his other hand to envelope Rarity’s body in blue magic/science. Then, he swiftly directed Rarity’s entire body into the wall, tearing off another piece of fabric from her unfinished dress in the process.

“Try that agaiin and ii wiill 2qua2h you!” He yelled out.

Rarity was not one to leave this sort of glaring offence to her handiwork unresolved. Did he KNOW how rare burnt orange cotton was to find, let alone getting the necessary materials to make it herself!? With a great heave of her haunches, she activated her own array of magic spells and grabbed a large roll of purple linen, wrapping it around her rider’s torso as quickly as she could, successfully binding him and shutting him up.

“Now if you would kindly just stay like that for a while, while I fix up the dreadful mess you made, that would be—oof!” She said, suddenly being hit in the forehead. Evidently Sollux didn’t just need his hands to activate his magic, the way a unicorn needed her horn. Rarity rubbed the part of her forehead where she was hit by the Amazing Flying Spool of Green Thread, rage boiling up to an impossible high.

“Oh, it. Is. On!”

Their fight would be one worthy of the greatest battle hymns, at least in theory. Fabric, flying everywhere. Bucking and tearing and pulling of hair. Lots and lots of randomly shoving ugly pieces of colored wool, silk, cotton, and linen, all being shoved into one dress in an act of pure spite. Twice Rarity came close to squishing Sollux’s head underneath her flank, three times Sollux almost managed to poke her eyes out.

In the end, the dress looked hideous. This was all Rarity could think about when Twilight Sparkle had entered the carousel boutique with Spike, at the insistence of the terrified cutie mark crusaders. With a lighting of her horn, she managed to enact a high-level Traction Spell, freezing both troll and unicorn in place while she lifted them up a few feet in the air. Twilight didn’t even bother to ask what was going on; she had seen enough.

“Spike, send an urgent letter requesting an audience with the Princesses. It looks like we need to get these two separated much sooner than we thought.” Twilight ordered, shooting a glare at the two of them. Rarity could feel nothing but shame in that moment, wishing that today had never happened.

Chapter Three

Aliens are the New Black
Chapter Three

“Well?” Sollux lifted his head slightly, previously curled into himself like an egg. Had Rarity been moving around and cleaning up the utter mess of the Inspiration Room all night? From the looks of things, it was almost six in the morning, so he could only assume so. He stared at the sidelong glance Rarity was giving him, her horn alight with psychic/magic/whatever the hell she used to move things around telekinetically.

“What?” He said after a moment of silence.

“Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” Rarity asked in a huff, using her horn to up the scattered, small pieces of useless fabric and putting them all in neat little piles, sorted by color.

“What do you expect from me? A heartfelt apology or 2omethiing?”

“Yes! That is exactly what I want!” Rarity almost yelled. Sollux scoffed.

“Well too bad, cau2e you’re not gettiing iit.” Rarity stopped in her tracks for a moment, gasping. She leveled herself and planted all of her hooves on the ground, groaning.

“What is the matter with you, Sunlight?”

“My name ii2 not 2unliight!”

“I know, but still, what is it with you? Ever since you woke up today you’ve done nothing but cause trouble and mayhem! I mean, just look at what you did to my dress!” Rarity said pointing to the atrocious heap of fabric with her horn. It laid limp and hideous inside a garbage receptacle, covered with red and blue strips of cotton and polyester, a waist far too small for anyone, pony or troll, to fit in, and fitted with an enormous collar/hood that would need a ridiculously long neck to fit in (not to mention the fact that the collar was entirely made out of pillow covers).

“Fa2hiion ii2 2tupiid.” Sollux spat. For some reason, Rarity only yawned.

“I just want to know why you’re doing this, Sunlight.” Rarity continued. Under any other circumstance, Sollux would have reprimanded her for using that idiotic nickname again, but he didn’t. When she said that, her voice suddenly gained a touch of sincerity he hadn’t heard before... from anyone. Surprised, he looked her straight in the eyes again, quickly losing a staring contest with the unicorn. Sollux sighed, but kept his arms crossed. He didn’t answer her question.

“Oh, fine. Why did I even bother?” Rarity mumbled, continuing to sort the final pieces of ruined fabric. She yawned a couple of times, clearly tired, but unwilling to leave her room in such a state of disarray as it was. Silence reigned for more than a moment, until Rarity began to mumble to herself. At first, her words were too soft for Sollux to hear, but they gradually grew louder as she seemed to forget Sollux was there entirely.

“… just trying to be a good friend. But nooo.” Rarity scoffed out, “He’s just so antisocial and difficult, is he even trying to make friends?” Sollux wanted to answer at that. He kept hearing the word ‘friend’ tossed around a lot around these parts.

He wondered what the word meant.

“Oh, who am I kidding? He probably never even had friends on his planet. I wouldn’t be surprised; he’s so rude and anti-social. Heck I’m surprised I managed to stand him for so long…”

“2o am ii.” Sollux mumbled in return.

“What?”

“II’m 2urpri2ed you managed two 2tand me for 2o long. Hardly anyone el2e can, unle22 they’re wor2e than II am.”

“Really? Oh, well, I have a hard time believing that anyone could be worse than you… no offence.”

“None taken.”

The accompanying silence was so thick, you could have stabbed it in the chest with a lance, and it wouldn’t get through to the other side. It was also pretty uncomfortable, especially since Sollux was still itching to know what the word ‘friend’ was supposed to mean. He racked his brain for a plausible definition, but came up with absolutely nothing. He had never used it before…

“What’2 a friiend?” He blurted out.

“Excuse me?” Rarity asked, busy with rolling up some loose rolls of fabric and organizing them in a nice little corner of her Inspiration Room.

“A friiend. You u2ed that word ye2terday, and II don’t know what iit mean2.” He said, accentuating his speech with narrowed eyebrows and a scowl.

“Really?” Rarity said, clearly not believing him, “You don’t know what a friend is?”

“No.”

“Ooh, how do I explain this to an alien?” Rarity tapped her hoof onto the ground a few times, clearly in deep thought. Her face seemed to twist a bit, but Sollux couldn’t see it too clearly, what with her looking to the ground and her hair blocking his view. Her hair actually baffled him. Why did it smell like raspberries? How did she get it that way? And why was it two different colors when you looked at it a certain way but the colors somehow never mixed together and aaarrrggh!

“A friend…” Rarity finally said, lifting her head and staring at the ceiling, “is a person you like. Yes, that’s a pretty good explanation, I think. Simple enough to understand.”

“2o, liike, what? A mate2priit?”

“If that’s the correct word for it, then yes. It is.” Rarity seemed to take this as the last word needed on the matter, and continued to clean up. She telekinetically grabbed a broom and began to sweep the pieces of fabric that were too small to salvage into a dust pan, intending to throw them away along with the dress. Sollux still wasn’t done asking questions though.

“2o your uh, ‘2ii2ter’ ii2 polyamorou2 or 2omethiing?”

“She’s what?” Rarity asked flatly.

“You know, polyamorou2. A2 iin, ha2 more than one mate2priit.” Sollux explained. Rarity shuffled around a bit, clearly uncomfortable.

“Well, I don’t know what poly-amorous means for you, but for us ponies, poly-amorous means more than one lover.”

“Uh, yeah. That’2 what II’m a2kiing.” Sollux said, uncrossing his arms and gripping his knees.

“Sweetie Belle is not poly-amorous! Whatever gave you that idea?” Suddenly, Rarity began to get defensive. It could have been the lack of sleep she had gotten, or perhaps it was something different, but it was clear that her fuse was shortening. Sollux was not going to back down.

“You 2aiid a friiend wa2 liike a mate2priit!”

“Does matesprit mean lover!?”

“II gue22?”

“Then a friend is absolutely not like a matesprit!”

“Then what ii2 iit?”

“It’s… It’s more… It doesn’t involve any kissing or hugging! Oh, uh, well, it does involve some hugging occasionally but never kissing!”

“2o what, friiend2 are people you hug?”

“Oh just shut up! I don’t know how to explain it very well. If you want to know what a friend is, ask Twilight or something! She’s the one who bothered to turn it into a study-able topic!”

“You mean the purple uniicorn that got u2 bu2ted and ii2 goiing two take u2 two your empre22 twomorrow?”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Rarity groaned, finally fitting everything in her Inspiration Room back together and leaving everything clean and orderly. “I’m not exactly looking forward to meeting Princess Celestia tomorrow…” Somehow, a clock appeared right next to Rarity seemingly out of nowhere. Sollux stared at it for a moment, while Rarity sighed, noticing that it was currently 6:12 in the morning. “Er, well, later today, I mean.”

“2he gonna cull you?” Sollux asked.

“What!?” Rarity gaped. Sollux sneered; she had been reacting that way a lot lately. “The Princess would never kill me! She would never kill anyone, not even her enemies!”

“Cull, not kiill. And 2he 2ounds liike a weak ruler iif you a2k me.”

“Oh, and what isn’t a weak ruler to you then!?” Rarity asked, her eyes narrowed and shifting to a perfect bucking position.

“Try an Empre22 who rule2 wiith 2uch a tyranniical griip on her kiind that 2he force2 all adult2 off-planet two fiight along2iide her in an endle22 campaiign for galactiic domiinatiion.” Rarity’s eyes widened, and her jaw dropped yet again. She sputtered for a moment, then shook her head and regained an indignant tone of voice.

“What kind of dystopian civilization do you live in?” She asked.

“Oh, II dunno. One where terriible mon2ter2 are expected to raii2e you from chiildhood, where the con2tant battle for 2urviival force2 you two become carniivorou2, ruthle22 and cold blooded, and the voice2 of the 2oon-two-be-dead haunt your wakiing moment2 uncea2iingly?”

Rarity froze in her tracks. Sollux kept going.

“How about one where everyone ii2 out two get you kiilled, game2 are 2o dangerou2 they cau2e ca2ualtiie2 on a daiily ba2i2, the heiinou2 brood2 of the undead haunt the earth and land iin the dayliight, and you’re iintended two follow the whiim2 of the aquatiic arii2tocracy le2t they kiill you on the 2pot.”

Dead silence.

“What? How…” Rarity began, her voice quiet. She began to stare at the floor again. “How could anyone live like that…?” Sollux cocked an eyebrow. Her voice seemed to be shaking a bit.

“N-no, not scared, exactly. Just… shocked.” Sollux gave her a quizzical look, “Shocked that you had to go through that.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, new2fla2h pony-giirl; that’2 what II’ve had two put up wiith my whole liife. And you know what?”

“…What?” Rarity asked flatly.

“That’2 ju2t the way thiing2 are on Alterniia. II wa2 u2ed two iit, II wa2 thriiviing iin iit, and iit’2 the only thiing2 II’ve known for a whiile. And all the thiing2 II am 2eeiing here on your planet are makiing me 2iick.”

“Are you seriously saying that!? You live in what can be easily called a hell-hole of a planet, and my planet is what’s making you sick!?”

“Iit wa2 my home!” Sollux yelled.

“And what do you want me to do about it!?” Rarity yelled back. Clearly whatever pity he had drawn out of her was tossed to the side at this point. Sollux didn’t care anymore. He just wanted to go home. He wanted to tell the others that he was fine and that he was alive and to let Aradia know about where he’s been and talk to Kanaya about the Random Topic of the Day and maybe bug Karkat about his habit of flipping his lid all the time and for pity’s sake he just wanted to go home and get out of here!

“What II want ii2 two go home! II want two go home and II want two talk two AA agaiin and II want two fiight wiith KK agaiin and feed my lu2u2 and talk two my bee2 agaiin and ju2t pretend that thii2 2ugar-coated niightmare never happened and that II wa2n’t 2tuck on your dumb back!”

“Fine! Be that way! If you’re going to whine and complain about how you want to go home when I have made it quite clear that I do not know how, you deserve to be stuck here! In fact, I think I might just stop talking to you entirely! See how you feel being treated like a worthless piece of junk all the time!”

“Good! 2ave2 me the trouble of explaiiniing everythiing two you and your dumb ‘friiend2’ con2tantly!”

“You don’t even know what a friend is!”

“II would iif you would ju2t tell me!”

“Well, I can’t tell you what a friend is, but I can certainly tell you what a friend is not!”

“Oh yeah!? And what would that be!?”

“A friend is not a lover, a friend does not treat you like trash all the time, and a friend is most certainly! Not! YOU!”

Sollux suddenly struggled to stay upright on Rarity’s back, she had turned so quickly. She kicked the door down with her front legs, running down the stairs and out the door of her boutique at breakneck speed. Sollux was having more difficulty than he suspected, jostling up and down like he was a rag doll. It took all his willpower just to get his bearings back on which way was up on the crazy horse, but eventually he grabbed onto Rarity’s hair again and managed to hold on long enough to speak.

“What the hell are you doiing!?” He shrieked out, Rarity running as fast as she could through Ponyville and towards what Sollux thought was an orchard of some kind.

“If I can’t buck you off my back on my own, then it’s time I call in the expert!”

“And who would that be!?”

Land sakes Applejack was tired. Waking up at this time of day sure was tough, even if she had been doing that for a long time. While she wasn’t being a stubborn mule anymore about harvesting the apples for Applebuck Season on her own like last year, the help she got from Big Macintosh could only do so much. Even with two adult ponies bucking at trees all day with all their might, it still took weeks to harvest all of the apples in their orchard. But hey, someone had to do it.

While she washed up, began to wonder about what sorts of shenanigans her friends had gotten themselves into while she had been working. Had they learned any new things about friendship to send to Celestia? She wasn’t sure; Twilight hadn’t come to visit in quite a while, and the only pony she had seen recently was Rainbow Dash while she was busy handling the weather with the other pegasus ponies.

Thinking about Rainbow Dash’s job made her wake up a bit more. Well, that and the fact that she had dunked her head into a barrel of cold water for an extra wake-up call. All washed up and ready to go, she nabbed her hat with her tail and walked outside. Once outside, she stacked some buckets onto a cart and started pulling.

This seemed like a good spot, she thought as she reached a big, healthy apple tree in the western fields. Lifting some of the buckets off of the cart and positioning them in just the right spots, she stretched out a little, and with a mighty heave, bucked the tree as hard as she could. Apples fell in quick succession, and Applejack smiled. She had begun bucking tree after tree after tree in the same way afterwards.

All in all, today seemed to be turning into just another regular day after Applebuck Season began; wake up, buck the apples out of the trees for some-odd hours, eat lunch at noon, buck some more trees until nightfall, then run whatever errands are left over before getting some shut-eye. Today was just another normal day for Applejack… at least until she suddenly heard her name called out.

She turned her head up and started looking around the area for the source of the voice. That didn’t sound like Apple Bloom—too low. But it couldn’t have been Big Macintosh either—too high pitched. And Granny Smith calling out for her was completely out of the question. So who could it have been?

Eventually, Applejack gave up on the voice and continued her work. Nopony of sense would have been awake at this hour anyway. Must have just been in her head, she supposed. Until she heard her name called out again, and this time it sounded much, much closer. Applejack stopped again, dropped her buckets down, and looked over the horizon in the direction of the voice.

Eventually she saw that it was Rarity, resident fashionista and snarky factory, running towards her from the horizon. Oh, of course, she should have known. Applejack rolled her eyes and turned back to her work; whatever Rarity was coming to her about, she was just going to have to wait. Rarity had done things like this before, actually; randomly come up to Applejack to do some heavy lifting or an important job that she couldn’t do on her own, even with her Unicorn Magic. She just didn’t have time for any of that this season.

But Rarity was persistent. Another yell of her name, and Applejack knew she wasn’t going to get out of this one. At the very least, she would have to listen to Rarity give her testimony of whatever it was that she needed Applejack’s help for this fine autumn day.

“Oh! Applejack, thank goodness you’re awake! I need you to help me get rid of a—”

“Not now, Rarity, please. Ah’m busy here.” Applejack said, moving the buckets around to the right spots. Her ear twitched at an odd sound she heard—similar to someone gasping in shock? Eh, probably a squirrel running out of a tree or something, she thought.

“Oh, I’m absolutely certain it won’t take too long, Applejack. Please just—”

“Listen, Rarity, “Applejack said, her head lowered and glancing upwards towards Rarity’s chin while she prepared to buck the tree, “Whatever’s botherin’ ya probably ain’t that big of a deal. Ah’m sure ya can handle it on yer own.”

Applebuck.

“Oh, but it is a big deal!” Rarity pleaded. Applejack glanced at her, and then preoccupied herself by analyzing the tree. She shifted some more of the buckets then prepared to buck the rest of the apples out of the tree… Or at least attempt to. Pretty big tree, this was. Looked like it needed a couple extra bucks just to get all the apples on the lowest branches off.

“Are you listening to me, Applejack?”

“Ah’m listenin’, but ah ain’t gonna do nothin’.”

Applebuck.

“What—why? This is very important to me!”

“Because, Rarity; ah don’t got no time for this ta be honest. If it’s so gosh-darn important, get someone else to help you, because ah’m afraid that what ah’m doing is important to me.” Applejack said. She glanced up at Rarity again, the light of the rising sun making her easier and easier to see. She stared right back, her nose in the air.

“Well go on, then.” Applejack insisted, a little miffed. She focused her frustration on her hind legs.
Applebuck.

“But all you have to do is—“

“I said go!” Applejack snapped, bucking in Rarity’s general direction. Rarity ducked. Applejack expected to hit nothing.

She hit something.

“AAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWWW!!”

“What was that!?” Applejack said, surprised.

“Applejack! You weren’t supposed to hit him so hard!” Rarity yelled. Him? Who is him!?

“A-Ah didn’t mean to!” Applejack said, craning her neck to get a better look. Whatever she hit was now moaning in pain somewhere behind Rarity. She couldn’t see him too clearly though. Thinking on her feet, she sprinted around to the other side of her friend to see the oh good golly gushes what in Equestria was that.

“Deaauugh!” Applejack exclaimed, jumping backwards. On the ground beside Rarity was a strange creature she had never seen before. She vaguely recognized it as something she saw in a book once, though she’d be hard pressed to remember what they were called. She could have sworn that those creatures she read about didn’t have gray skin, though. Or…

“What is that? Is that blood? Oh dear—APPLEJACK IT’S BLOOD!” Rarity yelled, clearly concerned for the moaning… thing beside her. For some reason, the thing’s foot was still on Rarity’s flank.

“What!? B-but blood ain’t yellow!” Applejack said.

“It must be for him!”

“But how!?”

“I don’t know how, Applejack, it just is!” Rarity explained, scratching at the ground with a hoof and biting her lower lip, “Don’t just stand there; help me get him back onto my back!”

“Ah! Right!” Applejack sputtered, trying to find a proper angle to pick… ‘Him’ up from the ground. Eventually, Applejack grabbed the shirt he was wearing at the neck, careful not to bite into his flesh, and slowly began to lift him up…

“AAAAAAGH!!!” He cried out again, causing Applejack to flinch a bit. She tried not to drop him though, as that would only worsen the situation. Rarity wasted little time, activating her horn almost immediately after he cried out. With her magic, she lifted him up above Applejack’s head. She took her chance and ducked underneath his torso, and together with Rarity’s magic, managed to lay him on Rarity’s back, on the side that she hadn’t hit. The poor thing never stopped wincing…

“What do we do now?” Applejack asked. Rarity turned her head around a few times, a concerned look on her face, but then settled for looking straight at the floor.

“This is all my fault, Applejack.”

“Now don’t you go talkin’ like that. It’s my fault for kickin’ him like that. Ah shoulda tried harder ta notice him.” Applejack said with a smile, hoping it would make Rarity feel better.

“No no no, you don’t understand, Applejack. That was the whole reason I came here.”

“What!?” Applejack gaped.

“I came here because I wanted you to buck him like that.”

“Why in Equestria would you do somethin’ like that?”

“I-I-I was just so frustrated and tired—I had to get him off somehow! A-And I thought that, if I couldn’t buck him off, then maybe you could, but…” Rarity shook her head, kicked at the ground with her front hoof, and sighed, “I wasn’t thinking straight.”

Applejack gave her a weird look. Rarity lifted her head up to look at the whatever-it-was that was on her back. Applejack still wondered about him and how he got here, but she figured she would learn all about him a bit later. Applejack cleared her throat and looked back at her apple farming material, but shook her head. This was way more important than harvesting apples. She turned back to the thing on Rarity’s back.

It wasn’t moving.

“I’m sorry Sunlight. I never truly meant for this to happen…” Rarity said to the thing named Sunlight. She bowed her head once more, dejected. Applejack frowned. Looks like this wasn’t going to fix itself quite so easily. She sighed, then straightened up and looked directly in front of her.

“Rarity,” She glanced up at Applejack, “at the end of all a this hullabaloo, ah wanna have a talk with you.” Rarity looked back down. Applejack sighed again. “Fer now, I just want you ta go ta whoever else you told about the freak a nature you got on your back somehow and get some help.”

For a good long while, Rarity just stood there, her eyes closed and head down.

“Ah’m sure Twilight’s awake by now.” Applejack continued, looking towards the still-rising sun. “An’ if she ain’t, we could always find Rainbow Dash; she may be lazy, but ah’ll be darned if she ain’t the textbook definition of a mornin’ pony.”

Applejack smiled warmly, and poked at Rarity’s forehead. She opened her eyes again, and looked at her.

“Ah’ll even go with ya, okay? Whaddaya say?” Applejack said. Rarity glanced down one last time, and then nodded.

Things slowly came back to him as Sollux began to wake up. He seemed to be jostling on something… it seemed he was jostling on a… pony? Suddenly he caught a whiff of raspberries, and it all came back to him. He was stuck on the back of some white horse thing with a horn on its head that was about as tall as he was. Her name was Rarity and she was some sort of high blood-but-not-actually-a-high blood psychic/mage or something. And he was definitely not on Alternia.

The odd thing was, he felt pretty familiar here. Curious, he began to open his eyes a bit more to get a better look at where he was. It was dark here, and things were chirping and moving and crawling all over the place. The foliage around here—while all seemingly the same mucky green color—was much more sticky and untamed than what he remembered of Ponyville.

Wanting to know more, he began to shift himself back up, then cried out in pain. Quickly clutching his inexplicably warm arm with his other hand, he was definitely wide awake now. What the heck!? Why was he in pain!? What happened and—why was he missing a tooth?

A quick glance at his left arm, and he could see where the pain was coming from. He was bleeding. A lot. The blood had gotten all over his shirt, too. He groaned a bit in pain and frustration, and decided the most he could do was look forward. He suddenly began to feel very, very angry.

“Hey guys! Mister Alien’s awake!” Someone said. Sollux glanced behind him to find a pink, puffy-haired pony behind him. He took a look around him to the others—it seemed that all of the ponies he had met yesterday were here. Twilight Sparkle (what kind of a dumb name is that anyway?), Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and… Oh. It was that perverted orange one he had seen earlier this morning. What kind of sicko was she, to use pails of all things to gather fruit!? That was just plain unsanitary, even if the pails were made of wood.

“That’s good. Thanks for telling me Pinkie Pie.” Twilight said, looking behind her to see him. He sneered, and started rubbing his tongue along the vacant spot where his tooth used to be. Twilight seemed to be leading the other ponies, the foremost person in the group. She didn’t say anything else.

Rarity was being oddly quiet throughout all of this for some reason, but he couldn’t be bothered to figure out. He just glared at the perverted one some more. Dumb Rarity, acquainting herself with tiny little angels and some sicko who got off on apples. And he thought she was a high blood—if he didn’t know better, he’d probably think her blood was something even lower than his very own disgusting mustard yellow. Her company was just so… crass.

“Are you okay?” He heard a shy, quiet voice say, jolting him out of his hate-filled thoughts. He turned around, and saw behind him a familiar yellow pony with a long, pink mane. What was her name again? Fluttershy? Whatever.

“No. II’m not.” He spat back at her. He glanced around a bit to his surroundings some more, but nothing seemed that much different from the last time he looked. If he looked hard enough though, he could see some sunlight pouring through from the foliage, but he didn’t really… uh… What was she doing?

“Here, Th-these are for you.” Fluttershy said, leaning into him with a bouquet flowers on her back. Sollux stared at the flowers for a little bit, contemplating why in hell she was giving those to him. Especially now of all times. Was she trying to poison him or something? No, of course not, these ponies were too sugary and sweet and terrifying.

Eventually, he wiped his bloodied right hand on the clean part of his shirt (wincing at the loss of contact with his injured arm) and took the bouquet of flowers from the kindly pony. Seemingly satisfied, she landed back on the ground and continued walking forward, pleased with herself. He turned the flowers around in his hand for a bit, examining them. Not poisonous, no thorns, no biting parts… it seemed these flowers were completely harmless.

“What the heck am II 2uppo2ed two do with the2e?” Sollux asked.

“Well, I just thought that, since you um… probably hadn’t eaten anything since you got here… I uh, thought you might be hungry.” She said. Sollux stared back at the flowers for a moment. Then back at her. Then back at the flowers then back to her. She expected him to… eat these?

“Er, thank2, but no thank2.” He said while placing the flowers on a tree branch they passed. Fluttershy bowed her head a bit, disappointed.

“Oh… Would you prefer tulips?” The yellow pony asked again, lifting her head back up a little. Sollux could only stare at her.

“What ii2 wrong wiith you?”

“Oh… n-never mind then.” She said, seemingly shrinking right before his eyes.

“We’re almost there now, girls. Just a few more steps.” Twilight said.

“Finally!” Rainbow Dash said from above Sollux. “I was starting to think we would never get there!”

“Uh, get where, exactly?” Sollux asked.

“To Zecora’s place, silly!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing up next to him.

“Who?” He asked flatly.

“She’s a zebra who lives here in the Everfree Forest.” Twilight explained, “We weren’t sure how to treat your wounds, since you’re… well, an alien. So we decided that the best thing to do was to go to someone who has herbal remedies for physical injuries like the one on your arm, since magic would be useless and trying to relocate it would be too risky with our sub-par understanding of your anatomy. I would have tried to look for a remedy myself but blah blah blah blah blah blah”

“I had no idea you actually bled in different colors mister alien!” Pinkie Pie interjected, forcing Sollux to focus on her instead of Twilight Sparkle, Ramble Master. “Next time you get an injury, which I actually honestly truly hope is never, but if it does happen, could you bleed in pink?” She asked.

“No, II can only bleed one color.” He said.

“Awwwww!” Pinkie said, but then giggled. “That’s okay! Yellow’s a pretty color too!”

“No iit’2 not.”

“Why would that be, Sunlight?” Sollux straightened up immediately at the name, which caused his injured arm to start throbbing. Yelling, he grabbed his arm once more, curling into himself. Crap this hurt a lot. He turned to look at who called him that—oh, of course. That perverted apple freak. He opened his mouth to say something exceptionally derogatory, but couldn’t get anything out before Rarity spoke for him.

“Don’t call him that, Applejack. He doesn’t like that name.”

With that Rarity returned to bowing her head in shame. Sollux blinked at her in confusion. Did she just… tell someone not to call him by that dumb nickname she gave him? He couldn’t even begin to understand why.

“Ain’t that his name though?” Applejack asked.

“No, it’s not. His real name is Sollux.” Rarity said before Sollux had a chance to answer. He shot her a puzzled look, clearly confused and unsure of what exactly was happening here. Why was she being so… nice to him? He hadn’t done anything to deserve kindness, especially not from Rarity. Why was she speaking for him now all of a sudden, and why did she refuse to look anyone in the eye?

“Sollux?” Rarity said, glancing at him without lifting her head.

“What?”

“I wanted to say I’m sorry. For everything.”

Sollux had nothing to say to that. It seemed that he and these six ponies may as well not be there at all; nothing was happening except a dull walk through a bleak forest. Because of the silence, Sollux had some time to think more. He tried not to think about Rarity’s apology, or about the apple freak, or about his arm. But it was pretty hard not to think about ponies when you were surrounded by ponies.

He missed it when he wasn’t on this stupid unicorn. He missed it when he wasn’t stuck getting carried around by something he couldn’t get away from, even if he tried. He missed it when he didn’t have to worry about how he was going to go to the bathroom. Come to think of it, he missed the actual bathrooms that he had on Alternia. He had no idea how ponies went, and something told him he didn’t want to know.

He missed the green and pink moons that he saw in the night sky almost constantly. He wished the night sky he saw here was full of light pollution and unnatural colors, that the clouds were all thin and swirling constantly. He missed the cyan trees of his planet’s forests, and he missed their purple leaves that turned green in the dim seasons. He missed everything.

It was not right here; the colors were too bright, the ponies too gentle and friendly… Oh sure, it was just fine here in the Everfree Forest, except for the fact that his time here was only temporary. The ponies did not all live here, despite it being the closest he could think of to what was good and right. He couldn’t stand it back in Ponyville, where he was almost entirely certain—practically hoping—that the ponies were egging him into their traps so that they could tie him up somewhere to chop all his limbs off and put them into pastries.

The worst part of it was that he knew he was wrong.