Adorabru!

by Vengeful Spirit

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human
Length: 3000

Kim Jong Un's birthday is at hand, and there's only one thing the holy overlord wants for his gift.

Kim Jong Un's birthday is at hand, and there's only one thing the holy overlord wants for his gift.

"Ponies!"

Rated T for [spoiler]Trollfic[/spoiler]

Gripping, endearing, funny, and utterly brilliant. 1/10 ~IGN

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-12-08 06:00:22 UTC

Kim Jong Un gets all da mares

"Holy leader, what would you like for your glorious birthday?" an advisor asked, bowing prostrate before his beloved overlord.

"I want...ponies." A little bit of drool dribbled out of Kim Jong Un's divine lips. "Ponies!"

"O-okay your Holiness! As it is said, so shall it be done! You are the light that shines in the darkness, oh Holy One!" the royal butt-kisser said before backing away. "I shall retrieve you your little ponies!"

"Good! Now begone, my faithful minion!"

"Right away, your Magnificence!"

The almighty dictator of North Korea let out a long-suffering sigh as he watched his obviously-inferior-in-every-way advisor leave as ordered. Why couldn't anybody truly appreciate his divine majesty? For all their platitudes and groveling, none of his subjects ever displayed even the slightest modicum of loyalty. They were nothing but mindless, soulless automatons that served no purpose other than servitude. Sadly, that left their leader rather lonely.

"Oh Twiright, you're my onry friend," Kim Jong Un said despondantly, reaching for his comfort plushie. "I cannot rive without your tender care and affection. Will you be my waifu?"

While the real Twilight Sparkle would probably be too busy studying the dictator's strange physique to be bothered with silly things like romance, the idea was lost to him. Kim held her tightly, happy to have something that cared about him.

"I'rl see you tomorrow, rove."

"What's happened to us, Twi?" Applejack asked as she sat tied up in the back of a black van. "Ah don't remember nothin' like that happenin' to me last night!"

"Yeah, what she said!"

"I-I don't know w-what's going on..."

Twilight sighed, looking over at her peers. They seemed so downtrodden that she could almost cry. She'd failed not only herself, but her kingdom and her closest friends as well. What use was an almighty alicorn in trying to save others if she couldn't even save herself?

"I'm such a failure," she muttered before turning back to her friends. "I don't know, alright? This is as much of a surprise to me as it is for all of you. Just try to keep a level head for now; I'll work something out."

"Alright, you heard her! She's never failed us before, so Ah trust her. If Twilight's onto something, then we have nothing to worry about."

Oh Aj, Twilight thought to herself. If only you knew the half of it.

She knew that failure was a place already visited by herself many times. It was through those failures that she'd learned her lessons in life. It was through those failures that she'd found strength. Yet despite all of her attempts to prepare herself for future incendents like this one, simple rope was enough to tie her wings to her body, mundane walls holding her captured without hope of escape.

Twilight would've really liked to scratch the itches forming underneath the horn-ring that locked her magic in place. How they'd managed to get ahold of such a powerful artifact, she didn't know. All that mattered was the fact that she was completely helpless against the magic-nullifying object.

Try to think rationally, Twilight, she berrated herself. Panicking won't be doing any of them any favors.

She tried to break down her possibilities one by one. The young princess had already tried to overload the ring twice, but apparently even alicorn-grade magic was useless against it. She'd also attempted to remove it from of her horn physically, rubbing up against the walls of their prison to pull it off. Nothing had worked; the artifact was either locked through physical means of magical intervention.

With the possibility of removing the object through conventional means lost, Twilight could only attempt to formulate a plan that didn't rely on any magic from her part. That would be a bit of a burden considering that she'd trained herself to rely on her powers far too much as it was.

Damnit, she thought. I really should've paid attention to Shining's advice. He'd pestered his younger sister endlessly about getting into decent shape, perhaps even picking up a physical means of combat after all of the events leading up to Tirek's return. Twilight had been in far too many situations not to expect more such risks, and knowing how to take care of oneself without needing magic could come in handy in countless situations.

Situations like right now, Twilight reminded herself. Well there's no use crying about it.

Twilight hardened her heart, replacing every errant emotion with the analytical mind of a true leader. She looked around, seeking anything unusual in the rather small, tight back of the van they'd been accosted in. Finding nothing, Twilight went back to thinking of possibilities.

So there's no way out of this thing magically, no way for me to regain my magic, and no potential tools left lying around for me to use. she put a hoof to her chin, deep in thought. What about weak points? While they seem to have come prepared, they did tie us up in rope rather than something sturdier like steel chain. Obviously they don't think that we're capable of escape at this point. They may even think we're as stupid as everyday horses out here.

Twilight looked around herself, trying to take in all of her surroundings in the dim light. Eventually she took note of the doors that they'd been shoved in through. If any one place were the weak spot, it'd like be there. The only thing holding those doors closed would likely be a thin strip of metal. That was certainly much easier to open than the walls around them.

"Okay girls, I have a plan."

She chuckled a little as everypony turned to look at her. They all seemed so optimistic. She really hoped that her plan panned out in the end...

"We're only tied up in rope. If we work together, we can easily get these things off of us. Once that's been done, I seriously doubt that they bothered bolting that door with anything overly strong. We'll wait for this van to come to a stop before slamming into that door simultaneously. After we've broken out, we'll make a run for it. Once we've reached that step, Rainbow and I'll give you girls air cover. Understood?"

"Aw yeah!"

"U-um yes."

"Shoot, Sugarcube, we can always count on ya!"

"Alright then! Now to get these ropes off..."

"Like this, silly?"

"Pinkie, how'd you do that?"

"Don't worry, Twilight! I'll get these off in a jiffy!"

The High Chancellor watched as the black van pulled into the royal grounds, turning around to place the rear doors towards the soldiers waiting. The van was just coming to a complete stop when the rear doors suddenly burst open. The nearest guards were thrown back as a large, purple alicorn spread her majestic wings.

The other ponies soon followed behind her, all fanning out in an orderly, almost militaristic fashion. A certain blue pegasus took to the air immediately after the alicorn, both trying to deliver dive-bombs on anybody foolish enough to attempt siezing their groundbound peers. A buttery yellow pegasus flew behind them, giving support where it was needed.

The ground-pounders weren't useless either. The orange pony with an inexplicable cowboy hat was busy bucking every soldier that tried to get close enough to use their tasers. There was a pink pony dancing around everybody, periodically smashing pies into their faces when the opportunity presented itself.

The group had almost made it to the gate when the Chancellor waved his hand. A steady stream of tranquilizer darts came down upon the group, subduing most of them in a matter of seconds. For some strange reason, the larger purple one still stood strong, throwing herself protectively over her comrades.

Another wave of his arm, and a few brave souls rushed her, tazers buzzing in anticipation. It was only the work of a few moments of shock and a couple needles of stronger tranquilizers before she too fell unconscious.

"What do we do now, my Lord?"

"Bind them again, then drag them into the palace. I want them placed in the pens with the rest of the horses for now, with shock collars around their necks. We can't afford to allow this to happen a second time," the Chancellor stated. Whoever had bound them the first time obviously hadn't bothered taking all of the necessary precautions. They had come far too close to failure for his tastes.

"Have the driver and the poachers executed in the town square. Incompetence will not be tolerated."

"Yes my Lord!"

I'm such a failure, Twilight kept repeating in her mind. Even when we broke out, it only took them a few moments to subdue us.

She shivered slightly, wrapping her wings around herself for comfort. It took her by surprise when she felt another set of wings wrapping around her as well.

"It'll be alright, Twi," Rainbow Dash said, nuzzling her friend. "You did the best you could."

"Yeah, but my best wasn't enough. Now you're all going to suffer for my weaknesses."

"Hey, don't talk like that!"

"I've never felt quite so useless..."

"Quit it!" Rainbow put a hoof under her friend's chin, lifting her face up enough for their eyes to meet. "You can't always expect to succeed. Sometimes you'll fall down, and it won't even be your fault! All that you're responsible for is having the guts to pull yourself back on your feet and try again."

"I d-don't...."

"Twilight, listen to me. You're not a failure! Just look in the mirror sometime! In the last couple of years, you've led us to victory in battles that would've destroyed Equestria more times than I'd care to count. It wasn't luck that won those fights, it was you." Rainbow sighed. "It always was you. I have a hard time accepting that somepony'ss better than me, but if there ever was any one pony I could look up to and admire, it'd be you."

"But I've failed."

"So what?! We've failed before! Remember the parasprites, or the time when Spike had to save our flanks from Sombra? We were in a tight spot, and yet we pulled through every time! You," Rainbow said, poking Twilight with her hoof. "You pulled us through. You're our leader, and if it's Tartarus we're going to visit, there's no other pony I'd rather follow down there."

The other ponies slowly nodded in agreement. Twilight felt like her heart would burst from the sight of it. Here she was, so down on herself when everypony else needed her. Who was she to criticize herself when other ponies needed her help?

"Forgive me, Rainbow. You're right."

"When am I not right?" she replied with a cheeky grin. "Now do what you do best and lead!"

"Alright! Everypony, listen up!"

All of the mares in there perked their ears as they heard Twilight brighten up. They waited expectantly, hoping that there was some way that Twilight could pull them out of their situation.

"We may be in the worst situation we've ever faced. There are evil people out there who want us for a purpose we don't know. Whatever they want of us, it's clear that they cannot have it. I'm sure that it's not a coincidence that all of the Bearers have been gathered in the same place."

"What're you saying, Twilight?"

"They're wanting to use us, I almost guarantee it. It's become rather clear that there is nothing we can do to escape now. The least we can do is make it to where Equestria won't suffer the same fate that we're now burdened with. We will not go quietly into the night, my friends."

All of the ponies around her looked saddened. Their muscles were worn from exertion, and the tranquilizers had left their limbs stiff and unresponsive. They didn't know what Twilight was up to, but their prospects didn't look too good.

"We will teach them that there is nothing to be trifled with among us! If six ponies can give them the kind of hell that we shall deliver, what would happen to them if they were to face millions of us? We will stand our ground! Here! Tonight! If they mean to take us, they can have us! What they cannot and never will take from us are our homes, our families, and our great nation!"

"Hoo-rah!" Applejack shouted. "Let's teach those slimy bastards what it means to mess with an Apple!"

"Aye!"

Twilight smirked. "I think I know just where to start."

The North Korean army never knew what hit them. Their guards were stationed all around the stable when the front doors burst open. The ponies rushed out, laying waste to the troops in their vicinity.

"Get the tranqs!" a sergeant shouted. "If they escape, we die!"

"Sir, the stable's on fire!" a private shouted, pointing at the spreading blaze.

"Dear mother of Kim Jong Un..."

The fire spread quickly, tongues of flame licking at anything flamable in the area. Smoke was billowing out, rising into the air with the inferno.

"Private, I need you to gather reinforcements!"

"On it, Sir!"

Whatever had happened, it certainly wasn't expected. The mares had to know that there was no escaping from the North Korean armed forces. That stubborn rebellion would almost certainly rub his commanders the wrong way.

Twilight blasted yet another Korean infantryman with a shockwave from her horn. Apparently she hadn't been trying hard enough when she'd first attempted to overload the horn-lock. It almost felt easy when the situation gave her no other option but to break it.

"Alright, everypony fall back and regroup!"

They'd already recaptured Rarity and Fluttershy, the two weaker members of their squad. She could see her fellows tiring from the fight as it was, and she knew well enough that exhaustion was well on the way for herself.

"Where do we regroupd at?! There's nowhere left!" Applejack shouted. "This building's it, Twi! They've gotten us surrounded!"

"Don't give up yet, Aj! We still have more left to show them!"

"I don't," Pinkie said, before collapsing.

"Damnit, Pinkie!"

"Don't worry, Twi. I'm still with you. We'll end this together!" Rainbow said, flying next to her friend.

Just then, the doors to the building blew inward. Dozens of new shock-troops rushed in to fill the void, all training their guns on the young mares. Twilight sighed before preparing for the next wave.

"Have you managed to secure the mares, yet?"

"We're just taking the last one into custody. The purple one seems to have a tenacity a lot of our soldiers should learn to emulate," the sergeant replied. He was very relieved to have succeeded. He might even be allowed to live after that.

"Good, now bind them up in steel chains and break the mares' horns. We cannot allow for another attempted escape!"

"Yes, sir!"

Twilight felt that she was almost going through the motions by this point. She'd practically torn half of the Korean army appart, but they just kept coming. How could a nation as small as theirs manage to keep sending in so many soldiers? Did they have no concern for their own citizens? She scowled in disgust as another group of inept troops ran in with poorly crafted weapons.

"Open fire!" screamed their officer before the air filled with more darts. Twilight effortless swatted the barrage aside before sending her attackers flying with a strong shockwave. She effortlessly bound them with their own clothing, even finding a donut from someplace to stick in the officer's mouth to use as a gag.

"When will you ever learn?" She sighed. All of her friends were down for the count, and even though her individual enemies weren't too difficult to deal with, she was tiring quickly. It was only a matter of time before she made a mistake and ended up with the same fate as her companions.

Another wave came running down the halls, spreading out so that they could keep Twilight in their line of site. A quick trigger pull later and the air filled with another set of tranquillizer darts. No matter how easy it was for Twilight to throw up another barrier, she knew that sooner or later she'd be captured. She was just preparing a counter-strike when a slight prickling in her back told her that her moment for failure had finally arrived.

Kim Jong Un waited happily in front of his throne, waiting for his birthday 'surprise' to be brought out. He happily hugged the Chancellor.

"I know by the look on your face that you succeeded! YAYAYAYAY!!!"

"Um, of course Your Holiness. I wouldn't dream of failing you."

"For once, you make me happy. I'll make sure that when your execution comes, you can at least have a cupcake first. They're so delicious!"

The Chancellor paled at that. Why hadn't he realized that? His Holy Ruler had executed all the previous people in his position, so why wouldn't they execute him as well? He was such a fool.

"Bring out the ponies!"

The doors opened, a line of ponies being dragged in by the soldiers who hadn't been previously sentenced to death by limp noodles just a few hours earlier. The ponies looked like the saddest bunch of equines to ever be branded. Maybe that was in part to the branding of Kim Jong Un's holy visage over their cutie marks.

"Twiright!" Kim shouted before running up and glomping her. "You're my waifu naow!"

She tried to open her mouth to speak, but the branding had left her so worn that she lacked any energy or will to do so. She simply accepted the hug, glancing to her friends with dead eyes.

So this is our life now... she thought. All of my years of training, all the good times with my friends, and this is it. Well...

"Fuck."

THE END