Chapters Suicidal Ideation Is Magic
A Happy Case of Major Depression
I wake up. I rub my eyelids trying to keep them open for a half a second. I can go back to sleep right? But why is the sun shining so brightly throught my window? I crawl out of bed and am quickly on my hooves to investigate. I can already feel that something's not right. The clock says 7:45 but that can't be right? Didn't I set my alarm for 6:30? Oh yeah... I did set it for 6:30, 6:30 P.M. Ugh! I have to be at school in 15 minutes! I head for the fridge, dang it no time! I close the fridge, I'm naked; I guess I'm not wearing any pants today. I run out of the house and quickly hop on my bike, and as if on cue, it starts to rain.
"This CANNOT be happening!" I scream as my bike gets caught in the mud. I have to push my bike out from behind. It breaks free, only for me to fall face-first into the mud myself after letting go of the bike. I rub my eyelids again, and this time they burn. I manage to get out of the mud and buck my bike in frustration. I clumsily manage to hop onto the bike, while not managing the mental fortitude to ride fast enough to get to school on time. Why bother?
I enter school at exactly 8:01 a.m. I always show up to school early, but this time not so much. I say hi to the repeat offenders that are still in the hallways at this time. It does me no good, they don't even give me a second look. When I enter the classroom, everypony seems to be staring at me. I meekly sit down, hoping that somehow the teacher didn't notice.
"Mr. Monotone!"
Oh, Celestia she called me mister... this can't end well.
"You're late!"
Well, when did you become Mrs. Obvious? "Yes, Ma'am. I'm sorry."
"No need for flaky apologies, you can respect me by showing up on time!" Ms. Attention Deficient blurted out at an extremely high volume.
"You're making a scene." I say in frustration at the noise level.
"I'm making a scene? How about this? Office. NOW!" Ms. Attention Deficient pointed her hoof shakily in the direction of the door, much like she had too much coffee.
I get up. Why is it I get sent to the office? Tons of ponies act up when the teacher's around and they don't even get yelled at. I walk towards the office, or at least I think. I've never actually been sent there before so I have no clue where it's at. I stumble into what looks like an office, it's doubley sad that I don't even know who the principle is. I see a pony, it is a mare, I guess, with a propped up orange mane and periwinkle coat, as well as a distinct pink bow. She wears a robe with clouds on it, seemingly covering her cutie mark, which, i guess, has something to do with clouds.
"What brings you here today?" She says. In a much calmer voice then I expect.
"I got sent here for being late and talking back to the teacher."
"Well that's funny, foals don't usually get sent here for acting up. You must have some deep emotional issues then." Says the mare. "I'm Ms. Headcloud." She extends her hoof in greeting. I extend my hoof, politely accepting the gesture. What is this she's saying about emotional issues, and foals not being sent here? I see others get sent to the principal's office all the time.
"Yes, I suppose I do have a lot of emotional issues and that is the reason for my acting up."
"Well, let's get to the bottom of these issues." She says. "Now, how do you feel?" The question surprises me, as well as confuses me. Since when do principals care about feelings?
"Well I-I feel anxious." I say, and admittedly it was the truth. I almost always feel anxious and now I just want to know what my punishment is. I don't need the principle trying to level with me and get inside my head, I just need answers.
"Anxious about what?"
"I'm always anxious about talking to ponies, and I always seem to be upset about something." I say. I don't know why I'm readily revealing all of my emotional troubles to the principal, maybe if I do so she'll lift my punishment. I might even possibly have to exaggerate a little.
"There are many ponies out there with social anxiety. Even a close friend of Princess Twilight, Fluttershy, has the same problem as you." She pauses for a second. "What is this about always being upset about something."
"I always look at the negatives. I was even sad when I got out of bed today. I just wanted to stay asleep... maybe even forever. I can't help but think about how sweet it would be to not have to worry about talking to people, or about saying the wrong thing. Sometimes I wish I was dead." These words were sprinkled with the truth, but iced with lies. I don't want to be dead, I just want to not have to worry about things.
"It sounds like you have a serious case of depression. Do you ever hurt yourself? Or plan to?" She sounded a little condescending at this point. At least she's acting like a principal.
I nodded. "I have hurt myself in the past and have contemplated ending it all." I have hurt myself before, there was an incident with a rusty old saw blade where I sliced my hoof about nine times. I'm rather surprised I didn't get a disease from that. As far as ending it all, I'm not saying I've never thought of it but I'm rational enough to know that it wouldn't solve anything. Plus I care too much.
"You do realize I have to tell your parents about this. I'm sending a messenger pony right now. This is very urgent business. It's something we don't take lightly here in Ponyville, or in Equestria for that matter." I have no idea what she is rambling about at this point. I'm assuming she's going to tell my parents that I mouthed off to the teacher and was late. But something doesn't seem right about this.
After waiting for a few minutes I was in for a real surprise. A green earth pony with an unkept red orange mane and a metallic leaf for a cutie mark walked in. Wait? Metallic leaf cutie mark? That's my dad's special somepony, but why is she here?
"Monotone I had no idea." She hugged me. Why is she hugging me? Does she know how I feel about hugging? She seems teary eyed like something went terribly wrong. This is odd considering I expected to be in trouble for this.
"So you're not mad?" I ask. Avoiding the eyes of my dad's new wife. She's not exactly somepony I'm comfortable around.
"Of course I'm not. I knew you were sad about things and I should've talked to you about this sooner. You need help." She said, still crying, but thankfully not hugging me anymore. "Me and your dad are taking you to the hospital."
"What?" I say. I'm completely confused at this point. Did I actually get a disease from the time I hurt myself, one that I don't know about? Or do I have to get a tetanus shot? As soon as anxieties start flooding in my head, she hugs me again. In my experience, being anxious is mostly better than being extremely uncomfortable so I'm a bit disappointed. I follow her out of the school and I see my dad there. I'm glad to see him at least, but why does he look mad?
"I don't have time to take off work because you said stupid things to the counseler." Dad yells. "I needed to be there to clean up after the big rainstorm, but now I have to take you to the hospital! What were you thinking?"
"The counseler?" Oh, Celestia that was the counseler's office. I am internally facehoofing myself as we speak. This is about my feelings, not about what happened at school. About death?
"You're so good at playing dumb." Blurted out my dad's wife, Copper Leaf. It's good to have her usual condescending self back.
So thankfully neither of my parents say a word throughout the entire walk to the hospital, and Celestia knows I wouldn't bother to initiate conversation at this point. We walk in and are greeted by Nurse Redheart.
"Hello, welcome. What is it you're in for?" She said. She sounds sweet. I hope my parents leave soon so I'm stuck with her.
"Our son just got admitted for suicidal ideation." Said Copper Leaf, in the polite tone she always uses when talking to strangers.
"Okay then." Said Nurse Redheart, flipping through medical files. "Looks like you're looking for the adolescent psychiatric ward on K-4."
Adolescent psychiatric ward? I hope they stick me in solitary confinement. With no visitor priveleges.
Nurse Redheart walks me there, alone thankfully. I wonder how long I'll stay here? I know I don't belong here, but I might as well enjoy the time away from school and family. She unlocks the door...
"Don't let the crazies out!" I say, looking at Nurse Redheart with the most awkward smile I can muster. She responds with forced laughter. She seems tense. Too many night shifts I suppose. I walk in, she doesn't follow.
"I am a homosexual male!" I hear a mare blurt out. "Call me Harold!" This is going to be a long night.
Suicidal Ideation Is Magic
I step forward nervously. I open my mouth to say something but another mare quickly decides to talk over me.
"Hi, you must be new. I'm Illumina." She doesn't extend a hoof. I wave awkwardly in another mare's direction.
"So... she is Harold?" I ask. Illumina rolls her eyes
"No, her name is Holley Shipper. Say hi, Holley."
"Harold!" Holley responds in frustration.
"Okay." I say awkwardly moving backwards until Holley motions for me to sit in the chair next to her. The environment is much more inviting then I expect, the shelves are lined with books and games. The chairs look plushy and comfortable, except for the fact that they are divided by wooden hoofrests. There's a nurse's office to my left and the rooms down the hallway I assume are the bedrooms. I see a sign above the shelves with the posted rules, one of them saying: "Colts sit on one side, mares on the other." I shrug and decide to ignore it, and for some reason sit next to Holley.
"What is your name hot cakes?" replies Holley, awkwardly moving her hooves up my stomach, invading every facet of my personal space.
"Um... my name is Monotone." I say, quickly pushing her hooves away.
"You're cutie mark is a whole rest. So you're musical?" Holley asks, intrigued. I wish she'd stop staring at my flank.
"Actually my cutie mark represents me prefering long periods of silence and rest." I say. "And following notation so to speak."
Illumina nods and points to her cutie mark, being an eye. I wonder what her special talent is? I've seen Holley's cutie mark, being two symbols representing masculinity, I'd rather not know what her special talent is. Needless to say, they're not the only ponies in the room. I see five other mares, and two more colts. They are mostly preoccupied with games or getting their blood pressure taken. At this point, a nurse walks in. Not Nurse Redheart, but a new one. Immediately her eyes glue on me.
"Colts sit on that thare side." she says sternly, pointing to the chairs on the other side of the room.
I obey and move, if only just to get away from having to sit next to Holley. I stare at Holley from across the room, with a fake apologetic look on my face and mouth 'I'm Sorry'.
"Another new'un I suppose." The nurse says. "I'm Sunny Dew Melon, pleasure to meach y'all." The nurse has a yellow coat with a purple and green striped mane and brown eyes. I am laughing internally at her accent. "Anyway it's time for dinner." she says, leading us on.
I am certainly not looking forward to having to eat hospital cafeteria food for awhile. I follow, I'm starving per usual. An orange colt with glasses and a muffin-cut red mane with a facial expression I can't quite explain, looks at me. "Don't let dinner get you down, their breakfast is so much better." He says, I nod in understanding. The hallway on the way to the cafeteria is littered with doctors offices, reminding me that I am in a hospital. As we go into the cafeteria, I see what we're supposed to be eating. Soup I think? Something liquid. Luckily there's fruit on the side so I just grab a few apples, oranges, and bananas, with some milk. I'm hoping that will tie me over until breakfast tomorrow.
I sit down next to the colt that talked to me in the hallway earlier. "I'm Monotone." I tell him. He says nothing. Although, I just realize I'm sitting across from Holley.
"So does anyone like Fitz and the Turtz?" Holley says, her mouth full of salad.
I shake my head no. "They're distasteful."
"YOU'RE DISTASTEFUL!" Holley says, spitting a healthy dose of side salad in my face.
I wipe my face clean, more annoyed then angry. Just then the colt chimes in. "She does it to everypony." He says. "I'm Otani Knish. Mind if I ask what you're in for?"
"It really was just a misunderstanding. A little depression is all."
"Well, I'm in for threatening to kill my mother." This is the first time I've seen Otani smile. "But I didn't yet obviously." His smile fades. "I still have ideations though."
"Yeah." I bite into my apple and look across the table to the other ponies. A number of them seem rather shy. They need somepony in their life to care about them, just like me. Nurse Sunny Dew Melon sits far across our lunch table with her hooves crossed, staring at the clock. "We have to watch what we say, the nurse is watching."
"Somepony is ALWAYS watching." Illumina says as she leans over across the table with one eye closed and the other wide open, fixated on me. "To be careful of what you say is to not be yourself."
I nod in agreeance at this. Just then Sunny Dew Melon stands tall out of her seat. "Wrap it up, it's time to go." She says. My mouth is stuffed full of bananas at this point, and Holley is laughing uncontrollably, possibly thinking immaturely about there being so many bananas in my mouth. I chew and swallow, then walk over to put my tray away. I might be in a daze of some sort, because before I know it everypony is already walking out of the cafeteria. "Wait for me!" I say as my hooves pick up the pace to stay with the others. We move past the room where we were in earlier, I have no idea where our group is going, my hooves are already blistered. I'm not used to running. I'm breathing hard and my vision is blurred, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Just then my eyes focus on a large door everypony is running through.
"Hey! Save the energy for gym!" A mare yells.
I walk in with the others. "What?" A hoofball quickly goes flying at me and hits me in my face. I shake off the stars and try to see who it was that threw the ball at me. I see a brown mare giggling like a foal. She has a white mane, quite beautiful in my opinion, and big gray eyes.
"Come play with us." She says. Next to her is another mare, yellow with a turquoise short curled mane, hazel eyes, and glasses.
"Okay." I say. I pick up the hoofball and it goes flying at the yellow mare, she extends her hooves and catches the ball. Considering ponies normal anatomy, hoofball is quite difficult, especially catching. Must be beginners luck.
"I'm Penny Rye." She says, avoiding eye contact, and throws the ball well over my head.
"And I'm Bird Droppings." The white mare says. "I eat you for breakfast." She giggles.
"I'm Monotone." I say with my back turned, going to pick up the ball, I realign and throw it well, Bird Droppings catches it with her teeth. Doubley impressive. She clamps down on her teeth and pops the hoofball. Not impressive. She spits out the deflated ball.
"Close enough." She says laughing.
Just then I hear a whistle. "TIME!" A nurse yells. Damn, tight ship I suppose. We all put down our balls and follow her out, begrudgingly. At least we get some time to release our energy.
"We normally go to gym two times a day, once in the morning and once in the evening." Otani says. "So if you felt like you didn't get enough time, that's why."
I personally didn't care for spending more time in the gym. I really would prefer to be alone, but apparently that's not an option here. I nod and sigh, hoping we can soon spend time in our own rooms. Come to think of it, I don't think I've even seen mine yet. I'm tired of constantly having to follow the nurses across the hospital. I've been following authority my whole life and frankly, I'm sick of it. Just as she unlocks the door to the main room I ask. "When do I get to see my room."
The nurse Sunny Dew Melon gives an irritated scowl. "Y'all get 30 minutes alone time in your rooms after gym. S'now."
I smile internally, as I assume smiling externally would be dangerous. Maybe that would imply that I'm eager to masturbate or something. A different nurse comes over to greet me. Not a pony, a draconequus. I almost give a frightened yelp, but I manage to keep my composure.
"So, before you see your room. I'll be your psychiatrist today." The draconequus speaks. "Dr. Discord." He gives a maniacal smile that confuses and scares me at the same time. He doesn't even bother to allow me to walk to his office and uses magic to levitate me there. He finally puts me down in a medical chair in his office.
"I have legs." I protest.
"Sometimes it's nice just to not have to walk every once in awhile." says Dr. Discord. "You should be thanking me."
"So when can I go to my room." I say. I'd rather not have to deal with doctors right now.
Discord chuckles. "After your treatment. Hey, don't think I'm enjoying this either. I'd much rather be causing chaos then dealing with mentally sick teens." He says, clutching a syringe, with a big needle. I cringe.
"Oh, don't worry this isn't for you. It's for one of my other patients. The resistant ones. The ones that aren't affected by my magic after several appointments." Discord puts down the needle.
"Are you going to cure me with magic?" I say, raising an eyebrow.
"Not necessarily 'cure' you." he rambles. "Just change your mental attitude and make you slowly more susceptible to suggestion..." Discord's face lights up as he nervously changes the tone in his voice. "I mean happiness." Then he mumbles something inaudibly under his breath.
"I assure you I am fine and I don't need treatment." I protest.
Discord growls. "Shut up and look into my eyes." He quickly turns his face to me and his eyes change. Just when I feel like questioning what he's doing I start to feel different. Lighter actually. Like a huge weight has been lifted from my mind. I feel empty. "Now." He snaps. "You feel exhilaratingly happy. You always want to be around ponies. You feel good. You find it so much easier to focus on the positives. You don't need to think about hurting yourself or other ponies. You only feel content and happy." He continues to stare at me and repeats the next set of words more softly in a whisper as he starts to smile. "And whenever you hear me, and only me snap my fingers you will obey me. Understood."
All I can do is nod as his words sink directly into my subconscious. I can't avoid the suggestions. I will feel good. Now I won't want to be alone much anymore. I only want to serve Discord and be happy. Just like that he brings me out of it. And I remember nothing. "Can we get this over with already. I want to hang out with my friends." That was odd, I thought I wanted to be alone. Dr. Discord gives a flat expression as he turns to me.
"It's over. You're done. Run along now, I don't want to spend any more time with you then I have to. Go." He snaps, and before I can protest I find my legs running out of the room. That was odd, but I don't think much of it. Everyone is out of their rooms. It looks like alone time is over, but how? I only spent two minutes with Dr. Discord. I shake my head in frustration, but the rejoice in the fact that I get to hang out with the other ponies. Weird. I skip and smile, humming on my way to greet the others.
Bird Droppings smiles and yells. "Uno!" I see a plethora of cards on the floor along with Penny Rye, and another mare that I haven't really noticed until now.
"So." I say. "Can I join in the fun." I'm smiling politely. Why am I smiling like this?
"Sure." Bird Droppings says, being her usual giggly self. "Come sit next to Lithia, Mono."
"I feel like I am familiar with this game, I used to play it with my younger brother Begging Jolt." I say. Surprisingly, Uno was actually one of my old favorites. Great game! I turn to the new pony I'm sitting next to. She's colored an obsidian gray with a dull red mane.
"I'm Monotone." I say, smiling.
"Lithia Sault." She says, immediately shaking my hoof very rapidly. Leaving me a bit shaken.
"So who's turn is it to reshuffle?" I say smirking at the audience.
"Fine." Bird Droppings gives a sarcastic sigh quickly followed by laughter as she reshuffles the deck.
I quickly end up with 7 cards. 5 of them are wild, it's so easy for me to give a poker face, mostly because it's just my face, but I quickly burst into uncontrollable laughter. "I have better cards then you." I say, giving a sly slur.
"Bullshit." Lithia Sault says. "You go first then."
The card game goes on for awhile, as they often do. Eventually me and Penny Rye both end up with 2 cards, Lithia has 11 and Bird Droppings has... 24. It's my turn. "Hey Bird Shit, I know something funnier than 24." I say.
Bird Droppings shakes her head innocently. "What is it?"
"Uno!" I yell. Lithia groans, but technically it's not over yet. Everypony gangs up on me and puts down wild cards, making me draw several cards at once. I squeal nervously as Penny Rye puts down her last card... and wins. I look up at the clock. They make us go to bed at 8:00 I've been told, which is ridiculous. It's 7:59. "Well congratulations Penny." I say, always a good sport about these things, most of the time. Penny Rye smiles and blushes. She's totally into me.
"Bed, dirt follies." Sunny Dew Melon clears her throat, altering the tone of her voice. "I mean bedtime children." I giddily follow her to my room, which oddly enough I still haven't seen yet. It's gray, too gray. The bed looks like a rock and there's a bathroom stall inside. At least there's a window, with the outstanding views that the first floor of an adolescent psychiatric facility can provide. This would normally make me upset, I do find myself fighting back tears as I say. "It's perfect." I'm happy to have somewhere to sleep and to be alive. Wait, what?
After the nurse closes the door I sing myself to sleep, I love to sing but I hold it back from fear of what other ponies will think of my voice. Enough of that. Time to drift off into sleep... I look forward to what tomorrow brings.
Suicidal Ideation Is Magic
Long Nights and Night Mares
I open my eyes. I'm at school. My hooves are shaking and I feel tense. The north wall seems distant and I can't comprehend what classroom I'm in. I see my asylum-mates Holley, Bird, Otani, Lithia, Penny, and Illumina, among others. What is going on? The teacher is Dr. Discord, for some reason. I look down at myself, I'm naked. But I'm always naked. I'm eager and terrified at what will happen next. Or can I find a way to escape? I run to the nearest exit, locked.
"Where are you going?" Discord says. "Sit down!" My legs move quickly from under me, bringing me to my seat. I try to stop them but to no avail. In a second I am glued to my seat, trapped.
"Where am I?" I say, I look around at my classmates, they look hypnotized and not aware of my presence.
Discord laughs. "It doesn't matter where you are, only that you're mine." Discord gives an evil grin. "Now, class. Ready to learn about chaos?"
"Yes, Mrs. Discord." The class responds in unison. I stay silent.
Discord chuckles. "Mrs. Discord? Hmm... must be the wig." Discord snaps and the wig disappears. "Now." Discord responds, suddenly the scenery changes. I'm in a ponyville meadow. There's animals interbreeding, pink clouds, and so much chaos and disorder that I am terrified to look. "Pay attention class." Suddenly my eyes stay open and my gaze is glued to the horror.
"What is this?" I say. The rest of the class stays silent, watching.
"This is chaos." Discord responds with maniacal laughter. "And chaos is fun."
"Chaos is fun." The class repeats in unison. I growl in frustration.
"Why are you doing this?" I say solemnly, almost crying in terror.
"Because I need to stay in good terms with the princess." Discord clears his throat. "But I also need chaos, and that's where you come in."
"I will never cause chaos." I say. "And you won't make me like them."
Discord laughs. "But you already are. You see? You're already under my control." Discord snaps, and I'm attached to strings, and he's the puppeteer. He makes me dance, I scream. He's right. My limbs don't even obey me anymore, but I can't let him have my mind.
"Let me go!" I cry, I move my neck on my own will and cut the strings with my teeth and break free. I'm falling through the floor. "Shit." I quickly realize this is a dream, I try and think of a mattress. A soft cushiony mattress to break my fall. It appears just in time, I bounce in the air and back onto the mattress. I wipe my tears and laugh joyfully. Just then I see princess Luna appear, I quickly jump off the mattress and bow in respect. "Luna. I'm so glad to see you." I look to see where I'm at, the black void turns into rural ponyville. I see the moon and I admire it's beauty for a moment, before realizing again that this is a dream.
"You had a hell of a nightmare young pony." Luna responds and hugs me. "Now what do you think it represents?"
It feels like I'm back at school again and Luna's the teacher, much less scary than Mrs. Discord. I have to summarize the theme of the dream and repeat it back to the teacher. "Fear." I pause for a second. "Of being controlled."
Luna nods. "I see. While that is a good answer, you are only partially correct." Luna clears her throat and speaks up informally. "I'm afraid that Discord already has quite a hold on your mind and the threat of being controlled is quite real. Most of your friends are even farther along then you."
I shake my head in confusion. "But why?" I clear my throat. "Why would Discord do this?"
"I assume that he thinks mentally insane adolescents are one of the most chaotic forces in Equestria." Luna responds. "But I'm not sure."
"So there's nothing I can do about this?" I say worried.
Luna shakes her head no. "The best thing you can do to prevent thought control is to be aware it's taking place." Luna says. "Recognize that some of your thoughts and actions may not be of your own accord. There will be many compulsions, but do your best to resist them." Luna sighs. "I must go my little pony, good luck."
"Wait, I..." My speaking was cut off as I start falling again, into my bed. I wake up in panic, and a cold sweat.
Suicidal Ideation Is Magic
I'm awake. I look out from the small window in my room, it's pitch black. I can't stop sweating after that dream. There is little to no chance of me getting back to sleep at this point. I try and pick myself out of bed, when I manage to get out of my bed my hooves are shaking, which they always do when I'm anxious. I trot to the small bathroom in my room, I look in the mirror. I see that I'm still myself. Tired green eyes, long cut purple mane and a brown coat. I see that I have no extra appendages, I'm still the Earth Pony that I was yesterday.
I need to take a shower due to the fact that now I smell worst then I look. I turn on the shower, there's no temperature adjustment knob. It's cold, freezing cold. I'm shaking even more now as I try to get the soap. Try. And slip. On my ass. In the shower. I wail for a second. It wouldn't have been that bad except that a nurse responded and came to my room. And opened the bathroom.
"Are you alright?" Said an Orange mare. A new nurse I suppose. I nod.
"Yes, just a little slip. I assure you I'm fine." I say, sighing. The nurse steps back and gets ready to close the bathroom door.
"I'm sorry, I'm required to check on you every so often." The nurse says, and quickly exits.
I can't even go to the bathroom alone. As if not being alone in my own mind wasn't enough. I make sure I'm extremely careful with my hooves as I get out of the shower. I get dry and walk back to my bed, shaking my head and laying down on top of the covers. Even if I could get back to sleep, I wouldn't want to. It's not worth it. At least for now I feel normal, I feel like my pessimistic self. Maybe being aware, as what Luna said, will help me to resist Dr. Discord's attempts at changing who I am. I will fix my own problems by myself...
I wake up again. I'm awfully surprised I found a way to get back to sleep. I start to doubt whether or not I was actually asleep. At least I've got breakfast to look forward to. I yawn and trot out of my room to greet the others. My mane is a long, curly, scruffy, mess. But I think it looks kind of good this way. Illumina is sitting in a chair and Bird Droppings is coloring on the floor.
"Yo Jerry Curl." Illumina says.
"Sleepy hair." Bird Droppings points at my hair giggling. Illumina rolls her eyes.
"Why do you have to act like such a foal?" Illumina says, looking at Bird Droppings expectantly.
"Why are you so uptight?" Bird Droppings pouts.
"Guys, enough with the chaotic arguments. It's just what Discord wants." I interrupt. Illumina laughs
"What are you talking about?" Illumina shakes her head at me. "Dr. Discord is awesome. He gave me this sweater." Illumina puts her hoof against the sweater she's wearing. "And Chamomile tea when I couldn't sleep."
Bird Dropping's laughs. "Illumina tea."
"Don't accept anything from Dr. Discord!" I yell.
Illumina steps closer to me and stares at my eyes, moving to my hair, my neck, and my hooves. "You really should see him again. I think this place is getting to you."
"This place is NOT getting to me!" I growl.
"Well." Bird Droppings chimes in, a crayon still in her mouth. "You say this place is not getting to you but are you getting sandwiches?"
"Bird Droppings, you have lost your talking priveleges." Illumina says.
I mess with my mane a little bit to try and look somewhat decent and Sunny Dew Melon comes out ready to take us to breakfast. "Where's the rest of them?" She says, staring at us intimidatingly.
"They're all still asleep I suppose." I say. "But it's good that we're here right?" Good? Nothing's good here. Being chaotically forced to look on the bright side is getting on my nerves. Although I'm not sure what's so chaotic about that. I almost don't follow Illumina and Bird out to breakfast, but then I remember what Otani said about breakfast yesterday. I am starving so I'll take his word for it. We get there and I smell it, Hay Bacon, eggs, whole wheat bagels, flapjacks, and fresh oatmeal. My mouth starts to water, but I try and focus on what I'm doing and keep my composure. I will not lose myself in this breakfast.
I smile at the lunch pony and ask for one of everything. She gives me a disgusted look. What was that? I'm not overweight and I'm starving, give me a break. Maybe she thinks I won't eat it all. "I'll eat it all, I promise."
"How reassuring." The lunch pony says sarcastically.
I sit down, sticking my tongue out at the lunch pony. I wait for Illumina to take the first bite of her breakfast, just in case it's poisoned or something. She notices me staring at her.
"Do you mind." Illumina says. "It's bad enough the nurses are watching."
"And the government." Bird Droppings laughs.
"Watch it." She says. "I don't talk about your problems."
I go ahead and take a bite of my eggs, uncaring. Whether it was by compulsion or of my own freewill I have no idea. Either way, it tasted amazing. I vacuum up the rest of the eggs and loudly chomp on my toast.
"You're disgusting." Illumina exclaims
"Well aren't you awfully judgemental today." I say, mouth still full of food.
"The whole system is based on not judging. So I judge everypony." Illumina says.
I swallow. "So you're a conservative?"
"Conservative anarchist." Illumina mumbles.
Just then I see the rest of the ponies walk in and get their breakfast, all except for Holley Shipper. "Hey, where's Holley." I ask Illumina concerned.
"She had an early behavioral modification appointment with Dr. Discord." Illumina says. The color drains out of my face and I immediately go numb.
"You mean a brainwashing appointment?" I perk up and say, smirking.
"No, Jerry. She already took a shower silly." Bird Droppings says, muffin in hoof.
Illumina rolls her eyes and shushes Bird Droppings, then speaks. "They're trying to make us better. They're not brainwashing us."
"Just listen to me. Dr. Discord is using magic to hypnotize us and convert us to chaos." I yell.
Illumina laughs. "If chaos is a religion, I am already converted."
"How could you say that?" I bark.
Otani sits down next to me, unaware of the ongoing conversation. "Guys, I had the sickest nightmare."
"Ahem." Illumina corrects. "One guy. Two mares."
Otani scoffs. "Okay. Guy, and mares. I had a nightmare that Dr. Discord made me kill my mother and I didn't want to anymore. But I had no control."
"See." I loudly agree. "I had a nightmare like that. He's trying to control us all."
"Looks like Monotone's the craziest one of all. Don't listen to him." Illumina says. "It's just a nightmare." She walks off, and all the other ponies get ready to leave. I sit there in shock until one of the nurses drags me out of the cafeteria.
Suicidal Ideation Is Magic
I need somepony to help me, I'm desperate. Now I know what Luna meant by my asylum-mates being farther gone than I realize. They won't even listen to me. It must be my demeaner, my passive demeaner only makes ponies feel frustration or pity for me. I don't need their pity. I need to face the problem with courage instead of passivity. I need to speak up.
"Why are you upside down?" Bird Droppings asks staring at me from the floor. My head is dangling upside down and my hooves are firmly planted on the chair.
"It helps me think. Or I suppose, it hasn't hindered my thinking." I reply. Not really sure whether Bird Droppings understood a single word.
We had already finished gym earlier that morning. I wasn't in the mood to get terribly sweaty and gross again. I sat in the corner of the gym the whole time, occasionally standing up to do jumping jacks when one of the nurses glared at me. I'm just glad to be back. In me mode. Passively thinking. And I don't need anypony interrupting me.
Bird Dropping's stood up and clapped as an unfamiliar mare entered the room. "Oh it's time for group. Come on Mono." Bird Droppings pulled me out by my hooves and dragged me across the floor. How does she do that? And what in Celestia is group?
"I can walk damn it!" I snap. Bird Droppings let's go smiling.
"I know, but sometimes it nice to not have to walk every once in awhile." I don't see what's so nice about being dragged across the filthy carpet... Wait. What did she say? It's nice to not have to walk every once in awhile? Discord! I tackle her and pin her to the ground, she gets free effortlessly, and considering how she dragged me across the floor earlier, I'm not surprised.
"That was fun." Bird Droppings laughed. "Maybe you should put on some muscle before you do it next time."
"Di-" I pointed a hoof accusationally at Bird Dropping before the real Discord peeked out of his office. My face went red. "I thought she was you." I explained nervously. Discord scoffed.
"Please, I'm not a changeling. Curse those nasty things." Discord said. "I couldn't change into one of my subjects if I wanted to. That requires a kind of magic that I haven't yet acquired. I've tried eating a changeling, but sadly that didn't help. It just gave me indigestion." Discord burped. "Excuse me."
"Your subjects?" I say jokingly. "You don't rule equestria."
"Not yet." Discord smirked as he whispered this into my ear, before retreating back into his office.
One of the nurses angrily motions me into another room on the other side of the hallway, mumbling something under her breath as I walk in. "I suppose this is group." I say, sitting down in a chair across a round table, and am greeted by all of my asylum-mates. A nurse, I presume, stands up to greet us.
"Now since Monotone is new to group I'd like somepony to introduce him to group." The nurse says, eyes darting across the table. Most of the ponies are whistling or dawdling, not willing to volunteer. Penny Rye is the only pony who raises her hand.
"Um." She says. "This is positivity group. And this is nurse Plush Minus."
"Very good." Plush Minus nods. My eyes dart to her mysterious cutie mark, a very odd plus shaped teddy bear with a toy snake below. She's lime green with a red-orange mane. Reminds me of my other primary caretaker, Copper Leaf. One who my dad adores. "And now." she continues. "I would like everypony to share something positive about themselves." I feel something foreign inside me as she says positive. I immediately raise my hand to be the first to answer. "Go ahead, Monotone." She calls. I answer as if under compulsion.
"I'm a good listener." I have no idea how I came up with that one, or why I was so eager to answer her question. I immediately get sick as I'm flooded with anxietes. I lower my head under the table. "Somepony help me." I wince. Now immediately thoughts flood in as I speak again. Did I mean to say that? Something is wrong with me. Thankfully most of the ponies in the room either ignore me or fail to hear me. Only Penny Rye manages any concern as she whispers to me.
"Are you alright?" She turns her head and whispers. I groan, not sure if I should say anything.
"I'll be better, kay? Give me a sec." I throw up, immediately. Under the table. Surely somepony would of heard that.
"Mr. Monotone." Plush Minus speaks in a concerned but disgusted tone. "I think it's time for you to leave." I fail to respond, understandably. Plush Minus leaves to get one of the doctors.
"Okay let's go." The doctor says, I'm much too sickly and dazed to make out who the doctor is. I follow him to Dr. Discord's office... Oh yeah, who else. I sit down on the patients bed in disgust.
"I thought you were a psychiatrist." I say, annoyed.
"Psychiatrist, Ear nose and throat specialist, Gastroenterologist, and vomit specialist." Discord repeats playfully. "And master of chaos."
"I'm really getting tired of seeing you." I respond, there's a gigantic knot in my stomach every time I speak. At least if I puke again, I puke on him. Discord hands me a bucket. There goes my master plan. I take the bucket reluctantly.
"I wouldn't want you vomiting on me now would I." Discord looks to me smirking.
"The only reason..." I groan. "That I am sick is because you keep messing with my mind."
"Such a murderous accusation my young pony." Discord snaps. My mind goes blank. "You must not believe that I am messing with your mind, are we clear." I nod. I quickly snap out of it.
"Huh?" I say. Immediately confused. I feel sick and I'm now in the doctors office. Which makes sense. Everything makes sense, except how I got here.
"I'll make you better okay?" Dr. Discord says, his voice warm and inviting. He pinches my cheek. Now I'm uncomfortable. He conjures up a bowl of soup with his magic and I drink it. Instantly my stomach knot is lifted.
"Thank you Discord." I say. "For helping me get better."
"You're welcome." Discord says, an evil smile spread across his face.
Suicidal Ideation Is Magic
I seem okay now so Dr. Discord allowed me to join the others for dinner. I'm a bit surprised he did after the puking incident. Although I did miss lunch, I still feel like I probably shouldn't be eating after that. I feel weird, not necessarily sick but warm . Usually I sweat and feel hot with anxiety but this is not an anxiety response. I don't exactly know what to make of it. By now I know where the cafeteria is, but still nurses escort all of us there. When were all walking along side by side I feel like our steps are all synchronous. Is it that we subconsciously pick up to step patterns of those around us?
I'm eager to eat dinner now, I see that they are serving hayburgers today. That seems acceptable to me, I grab one as well as a few food items on the side. "Have a good day." I say to the cafeteria pony smiling and waving my hoof. Wait? Since when did I care about other ponies having a good day? Well I guess it's about time I did. I sit next to Penny Rye and Lithia Sault, both ponies seem upset about something. "Well what seems to be the matter?" I look to them concerned.
"Penny Rye is having anxiety and I just hate life." Lithia Sault said. I don't understand why the both of them would be so upset. I hope I can do something to cheer them up. I squish an orange to the side of my face.
"Huh?" I smile and giggle sheepishly. Penny Rye chuckles a little but Lithia stays as gloom as ever. I wish my jokes could make everypony happy.
"Don't worry about her." Penny Rye says. "She's just on the other side of her mania right now." Penny Rye looks down at her food in discretion and begins to take a bite.
"I can't help but worry about her. Brains should not work that way. You can't be super excited one week and be sad about everything the next. It's not right." I say concerned.
"You're one to talk, you acted like a total nut at breakfast today. Do you have schizophrenia like Illumina?" Lithia said, annoyed. I shake my head.
"I have a number of things, but schizophrenia is not one of them." I say. Whatever happened at breakfast seems to have slipped my mind. All I can remember is how absolutely wonderful it was. "Breakfast was good."
"Focus on your dinner, it'll get cold. And pretty soon everything will be cold." Penny Rye says quietly, quickly sobbing. I follow her advice and take a bite of my hayburger.
"Apparently you seem to forget that he puked earlier." Lithia Sault said, pointing to me. Penny Rye retches a little in her mouth.
"I tend to block those things out of my memory banks." Penny Rye continues. "There's too much sadness and fear in my mind to make room for disgust."
My hayburger tastes good, I take another bite. Thankful to be eating something. "Not bad at all." I smile, with my mouth hanging slightly open.
"Are you kidding me? These are disgusting. Like my thoughts." I finally see Lithia Sault crack a hint of a smile, but her head stays low.
"Prison food is better." Otani chimes in, sitting beside me. I never really noticed him until now. I mostly only noticed Penny and Lithia, who were sitting across from me.
"Do you still have homicidal ideations?" Lithia responds to Otani.
"No, not really." Otani says. "I'm surprised at how quickly they changed."
"If you did I was going to ask you to smother me in my sleep." Lithia Sault blurts out. I quickly place a hoof over her mouth.
"How could you say such a thing." I defend. "After all this you should be getting better. You've been here longer than me." Lithia Sault scoffs.
"Otani had a perfectly planned murder-suicide, Holley cuts her hooves non-stop, and Bird Droppings came here after a failed suicide attempt. We all still have problems, kay?" Lithia sighs. "You can't just wish them all away."
"Bird Droppings?" I say in shock. "But she's so sweet and innocent."
"She wasn't when she first came here. They had to invent a new acronym for her disease ADEHMRD." Lithia Sault explains. I scratch my head.
"And that stands for?..." I'm not particularly good at guessing ridiculously long acronyms.
"Attention Deficit Epileptic Hyperactive Mild Retardation Disorder." Lithia had no flaws in reciting this long terrible disease. I'm surprise she's not proud at herself for that.
"That sounds like an impressively difficult disease." I'd rather not we talk about Bird Dropping's disease when she's just a few feet across the table. Although she seems to be paying us no mind. I take another bite of my hayburger and sip from my juice box, grape. Apparently my sipping is to loud for Penny Rye, who begins to cover her ears and sob.
"Suction! SUCTION!" Penny Rye bawls, placing her hooves over her eyes in despair.
"Could you sip any louder?" Lithia barks. "You're sipping so loud that Penny is having tragic flashbacks again."
"I'm sorry." I apologize as I scoot the juicebox to the other side of my tray. The nurse yells time. I was so wrapped up in conversation that I didn't finish my food. I can't say that's happened before.
Suicidal Ideation Is Magic
"Hey, why didn't you kill your mother?" I ask Otani, smiling maliciously. I'd like to know what stopped him, to get a sense of his conscience.
"Because she found out my plan and sent me here." Otani added frowning. "I'm actually glad she did, otherwise I would've been in prison for awhile." I accept this response with a nod.
"Will you have to go to jail once you get out of here?" I ask.
"Um, I'm not sure. Hopefully not." He smiles nervously. "I don't want to go back." I look cautiously around the hallway, no nurses are escorting us back to the room. Weird. I would think that most of us would take this chance and make a run for it, but we just shrug and walk back ourselves. Usually a nurse would be needed to unlock the door, but Dr. Discord lets us in. I raise an eyebrow at Dr. Discord as he waves at us.
"Please come in." He smiles. "It's movie night." That's odd, usually we're supposed to have 30 minutes of quiet time. Where's all the nurses? I stare intensely and suspiciously at Discord. I know something's up. Discord tries very hard to conceal his maniacal laughter as he reveals his film. I quickly cower under the chair with my hooves on my eyes. Discord pulls me out and makes me sit. "You simply must enjoy the movie like everypony else, I think you'll find it... mesmerizing."
Immediately I know the plan, as if Discord did so well to conceal it. He's been subtle with our minds so far. Warming us up for the big show. This is where he'll take complete possession of us and harness our chaos for his own benifit. Everytime I try to close my eyes tight, Discord commands my eyelids to relax. He keeps a close eye sitting next to me as the others don't suspect a thing.
...And I swear the film flashes colorful hypnotic rings before it changes into cowponies vs. aliens.
"Ooh." Discord giggles playfully, chomping on his popcorn. "This is the best part."
"But." I frantically stare around the room, everypony else watching the movie and shushing me. I stare mindlessly at a few alien blasts and tumbleweeds on the film screen before I'm interrupted by a certain blue mare of the night.
"This is a dream Monotone." Luna barks. Everypony else, including Discord don't seem to notice her.
"I don't actually remember falling asleep..." I say confused.
"Think Monotone, what is the last thing you remember." Luna says assuringly.
"That feeling where I swore I was being hypnotized." I shout nervously. "But doesn't that mean that I'm technically not asleep?" Luna rolls her eyes.
"Well it's the late evening and your unconscious, when I'm traveling planes I can't really tell the difference." Luna says. "But it's a good thing that I am here otherwise you wouldn't be consciously aware of what Discord is doing. Look." Suddenly, Luna creates a visual with her magic. I adjust my eyes to see me and the other ponies in a classroom with Discord, everything he says about evil and chaos being absorbed directly into our minds. Just like the nightmare, except this time I was a part of it. The ponies all reaffirm by mindlessly repeating 'Yes Discord' including me.
"What?!" I scream. "But I'm here not there! And I did everything I could to avoid being controlled."
"As you did Monotone, but Discord sensed your rebellion and took extra cautionary measures with you." Luna responds.
"What happens now? Do I stay in this dreamscape until I regain consciousness, possibly after I've done horrible things not under my control?" I wonder really, I don't want to even know what happens. I just want to have my body back in my own control, my real one. Luna sighs.
"Sadly no, I must leave for somepony else's dream and when I leave you must wake up."
"But I can't wake up, I'm an empty shell." I explain. "Does that mean I'll be free?"
"I'm afraid not my friend. You will be a prisoner of darkness just like I was. You have to fight yourself and take back control." Luna calls as she dematerializes. Then I 'wake up'
*******
Suicidal Ideation Is Magic
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