It was an average Equestrian night.
Princess Celestia decided to stay up and watch the stars.
She sipped her tea, and wrapped a fuzzy pink blanket around herself. For once, Celestia felt happy and at peace. She smiled and closed her eyes, breathing in the crisp, Fall night air.
Suddenly, a magic whoosh sound was heard, and a letter appeared above her head. Princess Celestia grinned, and opened the letter. Her expression faded immediately upon reading it.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have begun a new experiment! It's quite fascinating really. Did you know that ponies limbs can stretch a whole foot farther before tearing off? I didn't!
But that's just the beginning, princess! In fact, I learned that I could paint an ENTIRE mural with just two ponies' blood! Amazing!
Of course, I would feel simply awful if I woke anypony up in the middle of the night! So I decided to shove poison ivy down their throats. It works better than the flowers, book pages, feathers, and ink wells I used to use. If these ponies could just let me TEACH THEM, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PUNISH THEM.
THEY REJECTED MY TEACHING, CELESTIA.
I could tell that those three crusaders didn't give a FLYING FEATHER about the skills I was showing them. So naturally, they were the first ones to be taught a lesson.
Scootaloo was easy. I simply told her that Rainbowdash was in my home, wanting to speak with her. That little filly is SO naive! First, she showed up. Then, I knocked her out. THEN, NOW PRINCESS THIS IS THE BEST PART! Then I sliced her up! Nothing major. Just little slices on every quarter inch of her body! I even used a ruler for EXACT measurement. Aren't you proud of my efficiency?! Okay so after that, I rolled her in salt. Immediately after, I dumped her into a pool of lemon juice! And I tell you, she couldn't even SCREAM with that ink bottle shoved down her throat! So I pulled her out after around ten minutes. She wasn't dead JUST YET, so I had to congratulate her! So I used her wings and legs to bake a cake! I personally didn't enjoy it much, but Scootaloo loved it so much that she practically CHOKED herself with it! Ha! I dug out her eyes, and set them on my top shelf. The first pair! As I write this though, I have seven sets of eyes. Scootaloo's mane and tail were knitted (by me!) into a blanket for Spike! Don't want to waste anything! And the last of her flesh, I ground up in a meat grinder, and sold to the griffons! Are you proud of my resourcefulness?!
And then there was Sweetie! Oh she was a real GEM. I brought her in, and put her to sleep almost at ONCE! I didn't really feel like waiting, so I just went for it! Anyways, I rigged her up to a pulley system, and just... well, PULLED! I'm disappointed to say that she didn't last very long. The sound of snapping bones is absolutely delightful! You should hear it sometime! I found out that unicorn horns still possess magic after being RIPPED FROM THE SKULL! So exciting! I should wright a book about all my findings! Then I'll be just like Starswirl. Sweetie's fur however did made a lovely curtain, what with her color and fur softness and all.
Applebloom was a little bit tougher. She put up quite the fight! Luckily, she was trapped in my basement. So I did the next best thing. I turned her into a doll! I started with the legs, then her torso. I WILL say she wasted her last words though, "Tell my family I love them... and please... could you give the doll a cutie mark maybe?" SUCH A FOALISH THING TO SAY! I did however give the doll a mark. Such a shame she couldn't see it! Mainly because I tore her eyes out! Funny, right?!
A pony's level of pain resistance depends on the age and build. Say, a filly was hit by a runaway cart. The filly would most likely not survive. Yet an adult mare or stallion would only have suffered some... major injuries. The ponies I used were not very helpful with this, so I ended up locking them in the basement. NAUGHTY STUDENTS WILL BE PUNISHED. And finally there was that BonBon. You know, the candy maker. She had one of my books, see. And she's had it for a very long time. I brought her in, and simply poured acid into her eye sockets. Can't read now! I also cut out her tongue. But don't worry, she's still alive! Barely... Don't blame me for that though, because she WAS TARDY! AND WE CAN'T HAVE TARDY PONIES!
Anyways, I've decided that unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies are built rather similarly.
But I was wondering... what the inside of an alicorn looked like?
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
The next day, newspapers all around had one heading: "Princess Twilight Sparkle Commits Suicide Via Slicing Her Own Stomach Open"
Celestia was shocked. She didn't understand what could have caused her student to do such things. Twilight always seemed perfectly stable! Celestia decided to investigate her library. When she got to the basement, Celestia nearly threw up. The place smelled awful, Like rotting flesh and decaying ponies.
Celestia found a single piece of parchment on the old, rusted table. She slowly picked it up and read,
Dear Princess Celestia,
How did I know you would read this? Well, I knew you better than you think I do. I'd like to apologize to you in advance, for the things I did. See, I wasn't right in the head. It looks like it took a serious wound to.. "Fix" the problem. Because, I'm writing this as I die. Now, I have a request. Go to the families of the ponies I have hurt. Apologize for me. Tell them that Twilight Sparkle is sorry for what she did. And I'm sorry to you, Princess, for failing you. You deserve better. I shouldn't have done what I did. Also, one more thing, you may want to let Twist out of the basement. I can't remember the last time I fed her. Looks like I'm just about out of ink. I have an alternative, however.
Your Faithful student, Twilight Sparkle
