Muffin Slices

by CDRW

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2842

Hello, my name is Derpy Hooves, and this is my journal.

Hello, my name is Derpy Hooves, and this is my journal.

Published 2014-11-13 08:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-06 16:30:24 UTC

Entry Number 3

Dear Journal,

It turns out I'm not very good at the whole "keeping a regular journal" thing. Two entries in two days and then lots and lots of nothing! Just like Ponyville. The nothing part, I mean. There's nothing in Ponyville. How is there so much nothing in Ponyville? We have a flipping Princess living in a flapping crystal tree-house-palace-probablynotalibraryanymore-thingy!

Oh jeeze, that probably sounded a bit mean. I mean (I want to find a way to say "mean" in this sentence again, but I can't figure out how to do it in a way that doesn't break its flow) Ponyville (I just totally broke the flow, didn't I?) isn't such a (last time, I promise) bad place. The whole reason I moved out here was because, random monster attacks aside, it's so nice and quiet. I figured it would be a great place to raise Dinky after... No, I promised I wouldn't be depressing.

I miss Manehatten, though.

Yeah, there was the crime, and the dirty streets, and, well, there's lots of reasons I moved away, but Manehatten had a life I've never seen anywhere else. The lights, the bustle, the weird air currents when the wind blows through the buildings.

I'll bet none of the ponies in Ponyville would guess I'm a city mare at heart.

Someday when I'm old (hah!) and rich (double hah!), I'm going to buy a penthouse apartment and retire there. Then I'm going to go dancing!

You know, it's weird. I'm actually a pretty good dancer. I can't fly in a straight line or walk without tripping over my own hooves, but once you add in some music, the clumsiness all seems to float away. Remind me to write an entry about how I got my cutiemark someday.

I wish there was someplace to go dancing in Ponyville. Well, I guess there technically is, but square dancing was never my cup of coffee.

Wow, all this writing about dancing really takes me back.

There was this amazing place on Seventh Avenue called Dance It Off. I don't know how they ever came up with the idea for a place like that, but it was great! During the day, they taught ballet (rhyme accidental, but awesome). I never tried that because I had to work, and you're only allowed to be a newbie ballet person if you're a little girl. Anyway, it was the evenings where the place truly came alive. Depending on the day, they gave ballroom lessons, swing lessons, squaredance lessons, tango, burlesque (never did work up the courage to try that one), and some others that I don't remember. Then they turned the place into a nightclub on weekends!

I spent way too many evenings and way too much money at Dance It Off. I don't regret it one bit, though. That's where I met your dad, Dinky!

Sorry, I thought I was ready to talk about that, but I'm not.

Anyway, today was a good day. I didn't break anything again, and Dinky had fun at school even though Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were jerks like usual. She's taking the big girl's route and ignoring them.

I'm going to bed.

Entry Number 4

Screw this, I'm not a coward!

Dinky, your father was a wonderful stallion, the best I've ever known. I still love him, and I miss him every day. The reason he's not here is because he sj;hlsdakgjfkfajfd;jmmnmnmnmnmmn

He died when you were just more than a yeear old. He judasft was just looking hte wrong way and that pegasus crashed into him. I didn't even know until the hospital called that night. I was throwing his dinner away because it got cold. I was so mad that he was late. Families are supposed to eat together. You were playing in the living room.

I'm going to bed.

Sometimes I'm scared of myself. A clumsy pegasus is dangerous.

Entry Number 6

Dear Journal,

I'm making great progress on that promotion, I haven't broken anything at all since I started keeping a journal, and there's a new job opening up in the department that I'm going to apply for!

Mister Heavy Lifter, my boss, decided to take a job over at the Equestrian Mail Service, so that's thrown our department into disarray. And I ain't joking when I say that array was thoroughly dissed! There were yo' mamma jokes and everything! Yo' mamma's so fat the Equestrian Geological Association published an article about the tectonic properties of adipose... That doesn't make any sense. Remind me never to ask Princess Twilight about yo' mamma jokes again.

I delivered a package to her yesterday. It was kinda weird too. She seemed a little antsy when I showed up, said she didn't know I had a hazardous materials license. I dunno where she got that idea. Nopony in their right mind would give me one of those, I'm way too clumsy for stuff like that!

She got real curious about how work was going too. Course, I told her about how Heavy Lifter was leaving, and the arrays getting dissed (never gonna get tired of that pun) and how I was gonna apply for his job and all that. I think Princess Twilight likes puns too, because she laughed when I told her that one, the joke, not me saying I was applying for the job. She was real thorough about making sure I knew what she was laughing at. She seemed distracted though, maybe that's why she gave me such a terrible joke when I asked if she had any ideas.

Tomorrow's Friday, and Mister Lifter's last day, so we're holding a farewell party. I should probably get him something, but I don't have much spending money. I guess I'll have to get creative.

I wonder what I'll think of this week when I look back. First there was my talk with Dinky about why she doesn't have a dad, then Heavy Lifter announced he was leaving (aren't you supposed to give two weeks notice?), and I still have to have that other talk with Dinky on Saturday. I'm really tired, but I think good things are going to come of all this.

Entry Number 1

Testing, testing, one, two, three. Is this thing on?

Of course it's on, you ninny, it's a typewriter! Typewriters are always on!

You know, I probably don't need to write everything that I think.

Yes, I do. That's what journals are fo.

Fo' 'sho. 'Sup dawg?

See what I mean? Do you really want to remember this? Is this what you want Dinky to read about when you're on your deathbed and hand her your diary so she can have something to remember you b—

Bubblebutt.

...ok, that was pretty good, but it's time to get serious now. I should talk about my day, not my glorious aaaaDinkyisgoingtoreadthiswhatiswrongwithyou!

Dear ~~diary~~ journal (it sounds more dignified), today was a great day. I woke Dinky up at seven (that is way too early for a foal to get up in the morning, but I have to send her to school) and we had breakfast together. It's important to have breakfast as a family, even if there's only two of you. We had omlets. Dinky's had cheese and onions and green peppers, and mine had cheese and mushrooms and hot sauce. I don't know where that filly got a taste for onions. It certainly wans't from me.

Anyway, we talked about what she was going to do at school today. She's at that age where she doesn't want to talk about school though, so I did most of the talking. There was a lot of awkward questions and more awkward silence, but I persevered. It's important to be interested in your daughter's life.

Sometimes it's hard because she pretends that she doesn't want me to be interested. I know she does though, because sometimes when she forgets that it's not cool to talk about school (I'm a poet, and I sure as Tartarus know it!) she'll start chattering on and on about what new history tidbit Miss Cheerilee put in the tidbit square on the board today, and the latest misadventures of the Cutiemark Crusaders (I think she wants to be friends with them but is too shy to ask. I wish I knew how to help her with that. Is it something I'm supposed to be parental about? Or am I supposed to leave it alone so she can figure these things out on her own?), and the latest news from Diamond Tiara (that girl needs a swift kick in the aaaapogee) and Silver Spoon (I can't help but feel sorry for her. Somehow I think that she wouldn't be such a jerk if she didn't hang around with DT all the time).

After breakfast I sent Dinky off to school. I really miss walking her to school, but a mare's gotta work and I screw up enough times that I don't dare ask if I can adjust my hours.

No, don't get depressing! It was a great day, it really was! You are not allowed to be depressing on a great day!

Dang it, I already screwed up my first journal entry. Sorry, can you give me a few minutes? I refuse to be depressing in my journal, so I'm going to go do something to take my mind off work and then come back and finish this entry. Wait, no, I got it! I'll just think of the most ridiculously cute thing I can think of and then write it down!

Kitten farts.

ofh my giosh. I can'';t even tyypee ritenow, mustr laugh

Oh. Oh dear, that was great. Kitten farhfld;skajlsakhfk;sh

Alright. You've got this, Derpy. You can totally go on with—

Kitten farts and puppy poots.

hladsfjgshahksfjhadsljkhjkdhsgd;sahj

Dear Journal, I have had a muffin and ten minutes time to ponder. I think I am good now, but I refuse to re-read anything above the line, lest I be slain by laughter.

Oh yeah, I should mention. Dinky was trying to do her homework when I had my gigglefit. She pretended to ignore me, but I saw the looks she sent my way. You know, those "what are you on?" looks. So I said... that thing to her, and she did the most adorable facetable I've ever seen! I've seen a lot of facetables in my day too, most of them adorable as Tartarus because they came from Dinky. This one definitely trumped them all. I wish I had a camera.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I sent Dinky off to school and then went to work. It was great! I didn't drop a single thing! And you know what? I don't think that's a fluke. I really have been doing a lot better lately. I might... I might even ask for a raise this year, if I can keep it up. It's only three more months until employee evaluations. I think I can do it.

No, I know I can do it.

Then next year, they might even give me a promotion if I'm good enough. I've worked here longer than most other ponies and even though I'm clumsy, I know how everything in the company works. I've been shuffled through every damn department that courier company has. I know more about the day-to-day operations than anybody there, even the lifers! All I need to do is show them that I can handle the responsibility, and I'm a mom. I can totally handle responsibility!

I'm a single mom! I handle more responsibility every day than those guys have had to deal with their entire lives!

Yes, I can do this. I can totally do this. I'm bucking for a promotion. I've never had a promotion before. I hope it doesn't mean I have to spend less time with Dinky. That might not be worth it. Although I guess it might not be that bad. I try to avoid smothering her, but sometimes it's really hard. If I have to spend more time at work...

No. No, absolutely not. I'm a single mom, bonding time is precious and scarce. I'm not going to give it away for anything.

I'm still bucking for that promotion though. I'll just have to tell them that I can't work long hours.

Entry Number 2

Dear ~~Diary~~ Journal,

Today was a great day. I would like to say it was a special day, but it wasn't, but it was still great. Actually, maybe it was special. I didn't break anything at work again, two days in a row! Promotion, here I come.

I was really busy today too. First I had to deliver a package to Carousel Boutique. Did I spell that right? Should that word really look so much like 'carousing'? (I have no clue if the apostrophe goes inside or outside the quote) You know, that thing pirates do after getting their booty. Getting more booty!

Booty Boutique!

I'm totally calling it that from now on... just not around Rarity.

Anyway, I don't have any idea what was in that package, but it was heavy, and Rarity looked a bit scared when I showed up with it. She opened it right away and looked inside, then let out a huge sigh of relief. I think she was scared that I broke something expensive again. But I didn't break it! Did you know that Rarity likes to tip? Nopony else ever tips me, but she does every time, and she gave me a big one! She really is generous, and pretty too. I bet she'd be my type if I was into mares.

But alas! (Heh, a lass) I have little appreciation for the feminine form, and so I will remain as single as the day I was born! That probably doesn't make much sense, but it rhymes.

Second, I had to deliver... You know what? I delivered a whole bunch of packages today, didn't break any of them, and Rarity is pretty. That's all you need to know about work.

When I got home, I found Dinky in the kitchen, making dinner. It was this incredible spaghetti and hayballs casserole thingy.

That... Well, I'm really proud of her. She's an amazing cook, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if she ends up with a baking pan cutiemark. It really scares me though, that she's home alone for almost three hours before I get off work. What if something happened? What if she burned herself while cooking? What if someone broke in while I was away? She is way to young to be left alone.

Heh, she would probably be just fine. She's a smart filly, and strong too. Emotionally, I mean. I can still beat her at hoofwrestling. That scares me too, though. She shouldn't be that self-sufficient at her age. She shouldn't need to be!

I don't know what to do though. Ponyville is too small to have a community center. The school is so small it only has one teacher, and there aren't any after-school activities. I'm not good enough friends with anyone to be able to leave Dinky with them every day, and I can't afford a babysitter or daycare.

Am I a bad mom?

Entry Number 5

Dear Journal,

Did I ever tell you how smart Dinky is? She asked me at breakfast why I had been crying. She said she could tell because my eyes were red. So I told her.

I'm proud to say that I didn't chicken out even though I really wanted to. I knew that would be the wrong thing to do because of how badly I didn't want to tell her. I didn't try to put her off, though, or say I'd tell her later, or tell some stupid lie like that I just had hayfever or something. I finally just told her why she doesn't have a dad, and she understood. What age do kids usually begin to understand death?

She wants to know more about him now. I told her that we'd talk about it this weekend.

I'm not trying to worm my way out of it, I swear! I just want to do this right. I need the time to get my head in order. Dinky doesn't remember him, and I don't want her to associate his name with crying and unpleasant thoughts. I want her to be happy when she thinks of him, so I need to learn to be happy when I think of him. I've spent... way too long trying not to think about it. Honestly, it's more than a little pathetic how long I've put off dealing with it, it's been... how many years?

I'm not sure, and I really don't want to count it out. It's time for me to move on though. It's time for me to accept what's happened to our family and put it to rest.

I have three days and no ideas.