And Then Guards Came (Writers Block)

by ChucklesMcJingleberry

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 1066

Guards are beating the shit out of literallyeverything in sight for no fucking reason! Yay! (Writers Block)

Guards are beating the shit out of literally everything in sight for no fucking reason! Yay! (Writers Block)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-29 19:30:07 UTC

The Domino Effect

Many centuries have passed since any of the shit in the show happened. Equestria had begun enhabiting entire planets. However, as time passed, the royals of Equestira noticed an occurring theme of crime and under performance of the law enforcement. Luna, who had been playing too much Destiny, came with the idea that they should link the entire guard in an area to one mind, and the minds of each planet would be linked to an over-mind, and all the over minds would be linked to the mind of a master template guard which would be held in the highly secure underground caves beneath Canterlot. Celestia, not familiar with Destiny or any robot story in history, put her faith into her sister's wisdom. For many decades, this system was absolutely flawless. But then, one day, an error had occurred.

"And then, suddenly, the freaking cat jumped right out of the box." One guard said to another as they escorted a pony and his three carts of food back to the colony. This was a new planet for Equestria, a name for which I haven't thought of yet, so we will call it Jiggles for now.  "So I was in there, and the thing and I were just staring at each other for like a few seconds. Next thing I know, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and running away, and it's going in the oppos- Hey, what's that?" The guard pointed to something shiny in the grass. He walked over to check it out.

Meanwhile, by the cart, the filthy peasant pony was moving potatoes in boxes. Some potatoes fell out near the guard, who did not notice them. As the pony was walking back to the cart, he began to slip on the potato. Unfortunately, his cutie mark was being a drama queen, so it took him super long to finally trip.

"Woah! Hey, I'm tripping! Oh my gosh, this is so scary! Someone, totally help me before I-"

"Shut the buck up! Holy crap, I don't care." The guard burst at him. The pony sighed.

"...Fine." And then he finished falling. In the process of this, however, one of his hooves clonked the guard in the back of the head. The guard stiffened, as the hive mind began to take him over. It had interpreted this as an assault on the guard's person. The guard turned to tower over the peasant, and then began literally beating the absolute shit out of him.

"So you won't believe this, it turned out to be a shiny dild- Hey, what are you doing?" The guard observed as the other guard continued to slam his hoof into the face of the filthy, ugly, drama queen peasant that no one loves. It was unfortunate, that one of these guards belonged to a different over-mind, and was only visiting for the day. So they were not linked, and could not communicate their thoughts to each other. The hive mind part of the other guard took over, and he perceived that this guard was breaking the law by unrighteously assaulting a pony, no matter how ugly and deserving of an ass kicking he was for said ugliness. The other guard stepped in and attempted to restrain the guard, but it then sent out a distress signal. Suddenly, all the guards in the surrounding area came to his aid.

They freed the restrained guard and dog piled the other. Suddenly, while he was fucking up the ugly fugly peasant, guards begun falling from the sky. The guard in the dog pile had sent a distress signal to his planet, and they launched themselves into space with these super awesome catapults. Unfortunately, they weren't too accurate. Some guards went screaming into the sun, while others were trapped in orbit around the planet, and would never be free. The ponies of this planet would later map out constellations of guards, and use them to find their way home. Other ponies fell in love with some guards in orbit, and later launched themselves up to be with their guard soul mates.

Anywy, back to the story, guards began falling out of the sky. Most of them died on impact, but once they had piles of bodies large enough, they began cushioning the impact of the guards so that they could come to the aid of their brother guard. They each grappled with a guard in the dog pile, and it got to the point where it was two otherworldly guards for each of the natives' one. When they had all been restrained, the original other guard stood behind the one who was now beating a dead horse.

"Kame...hame...ha!" He let loose a Kamehameha up into that bish's grill, and sent him flying. He roled on the ground for a quarter of a mile, before he slammed straight into Luna, who was visiting to check up on reports of a guard disturbance.

"Why hello there, faithful servant of justice. Do tell, have you seen any-" The guard punched her right in the cheek.

"Shut up! I did not giving you fucking permission to talk, beeyatch!" Luna raised a hoof to her cheek, before lowering it and looking back to the guard. After her momentary shock, she gained a calm composure.

"...To the moon, bitch." Her horn flashed for a moment, and he was gone to Equestria's moon, the suckiest place not on Earth.  Luna observed the area, looking for where this guard disturbance. Then, suddenly, a massive crash rocked the entire planet.

Mean while, on the other side of the planet, the other world guard's planet collided with the native's planet. The other world guards decided to sneak up behind the planet. Millions of billions of guards rushed out of the oceans, covering Jiggles in a hot, writhing mess of guards. On the other world planet which was now producing guards in their cloning laboratory. Hours passed, and then whatever planet Equestria is on, followed by a bazillion other planets, all with their own masive armies of guards, flew into the mix. Guards jumped from one planet to another like it was fucking Mario Galaxy or something else I never played. Eventually, the mass became too much, the gravitational shit of the planets all combined, and a massive black hole was created. And that is how ponies went extinct. The end, yay!