Biographical Complications

by Original Usermane

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia
Length: 2864

Twilight is setting out to write a book about Celestia and Luna and their rise to power- but maybe she's better off not knowing.

When Twilight heads to Canterlot to get the life story of Celestia and Luna, she had expected to get it from the source. But when Celestia proves she's not a reliable witness to her own life story, somepony- or somedraconequus- may turn out to be just the source Twilight was looking for. Which may not turn out to be such a good thing when Twilight learns some things about her role models that she wasn't mentally prepared to know... Hints of Dislestia, but not enough to be considered shipping.

Published 2014-11-13 08:00:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-13 08:00:08 UTC

Celestia's a Liar, Or How Celly and Lulu Came to Be

“Spike, this is so exciting!” Twilight said happily, grabbing several sheafs of paper and quills and ink and putting them all into her saddlebags. “The princesses have agreed to help me with my book on the history of the equestrian diarchy!”

“What do you need to write a history of that for?” Spike asked. “We’re still being ruled by the same diarchs that have always been in charge, so there’s not a whole lot to know that ponies don’t already know.”

“Well, I suppose it’s more of a biography,” Twilight admitted. “With as long as I was Celestia’s student, she never told me much about herself, and I look forward to hearing about what she was like when she was younger.”

“Do I need to come, too?” Spike asked.

“No, it’s alright. I don’t think you’d be very interested, and there won’t be much there to keep you entertained. You can watch the library for me,” Twilight said with a smile.

“Alright. See ya later, Twilight,” Spike shrugged. Twilight powered up her horn and teleported to Canterlot. ‘So much faster than taking the train.’ She trotted through town until she came to the castle gates.

“Princess Sparkle!” one of the guards saluted. “The princesses are expecting you! They instructed me to inform you that they are waiting for you in the throne room.”

“Thank you,” Twilight said, and walked through the gates and in the direction of the waiting royalty. She entered the throne room to see that it had been rearranged slightly in anticipation for her visit- a table with three chairs around it had been moved into the center of the room, and the alicorn sisters were already seated and waiting for her.

“Welcome, Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia said warmly. Or, as warm as one can sound when they never drop their formal way of speaking. “I’m eager to see your book. When you’ve completed it, you must send me a copy.”

“Of course!” Twilight said eagerly, hurriedly pulling out her paper and quills.

“We, too, are pleased to hear of your scholarly interests. History is a noble pursuit,” Luna said with a nod.

“I suppose I should start from the beginning?” Celestia asked, which received an eager nod from Twilight. “Well…”

Solar Flare and Event Horizon were the first alicorns, and the creators of the planet ponies now know as home. Eventually they split up the continents between species, but ponies, with their smaller subgroups, needed more direction, so Celestia and Luna, their daughters, were put in char-

“Celestia!” Discord’s voice boomed out of nowhere, and he suddenly melted out of one of the stain glass windows with a stern look on his face. “Such lies! What kind of example are you setting for your subjects!? I thought I made you better than that!”

“Oh no,” Luna moaned softly.

“Discord, what do you think you’re-” Celestia started irritatedly, but Discord put a single talon to her lips to stop her talking.

“Shh. Don’t speak,” Discord purred. Celestia glared at him. “I can’t sit idly by while you attempt to deceive not only your prized princess pupil, but also anypony who reads her book. So, like three other ponies!”

“Hey!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Quiet, you,” Discord ordered. “Do you want the facts or not!?”

“Of course I do, so let the princess talk!” Twilight demanded.

“You won’t get the real story out of her,” Discord scoffed. “Take it from me, I was there from the beginning!”

“How do I know that you aren’t going to lie and just say ridiculous things?’ Twilight asked suspiciously.

“That’s not what friends do, now is it?” Discord said innocently. “Besides, if I get too out of line, I’m sure your precious princesses will take it upon themselves to correct me in due time.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just let them tell it?” Twilight scoffed. “And you can correct them?”

“No,” Discord said, and quickly caused Celestia’s and Luna’s mouths to vanish. “They’re currently unable to talk.”

“Ugh. Fine,” Twilight caved, and readied her quill once again as Discord cleared his throat.

In the beginning, there was Discord.

Okay, so there was other stuff, too. Ponies had been around as long as he could remember, seeing as the annoying equines had been controlling the planet since the dawn of time. And, of course, the woodland creatures were there too, though they were relatively inconsequential due to their lack of higher processing skills and speech.

But in many ways, Discord was alone. For one, his rather… unusual appearance didn’t win him many friends among the easily-frightened residents of the world. It also didn’t help his case that his favorite thing to do was cause widespread chaos and mess with ponies’ lives. But none of these things bothered him. What use did the Lord of Chaos have for friends, anyway?

“I’m not writing your story, Discord,” Twilight snapped. “Get out of here so I can get what I came for!”

“Rude! I’m getting there! It’s called exposition!” Discord exclaimed. “No more interruptions from you!” He took her mouth away. “Now where was I… Oh, yes.”

No, what really bothered Discord about his solitude was boredom- he didn’t have any good competition! What was the point of causing trouble if no one tried to stop you!?

Of course, the ponies made futile attempts on occasion, but unicorn magic wasn’t strong enough to pose a threat, and even if it was he could fly out of range. Pegasi couldn’t generally fly fast enough to get to him, and even if they could, they would be no match for his magic. And Earth ponies… well, he didn’t bother thinking about them very much.

“I’m considering re-evaluating that opinion, now, though,” Discord mused. “The pink one is quite the anomaly.”

One bright morning, Discord was stirring up trouble as usual. He was watching with amusement as the residents of the small town he was attacking ran around like ants, trying to escape the choclate rain and living jello monsters. He was quickly losing interest, however. Only two ponies had even stopped long enough to notice his presence, a pegasus and an Earth pony. The pegasus had just flown away in fright, and the Earth pony… appeared to be currently biting his reptilian leg.

“It’s not going to work, fool,” Discord said, shaking his head. With a snap, the pony’s teeth turned to peppermint. Within moments, he ran before further harm could be done. “For chaos’ sake! You ponies aren’t worth my time!” Discord left the pony village behind to deal with his chaos in peace and teleported to his Thinking Tree, where he promptly began moping.

“I’m soo boorrreeeddd~,” he whined, flopping limply over his favorite branch. “If only the ponies had a halfway decent amount of power! It’s not even sort of a challenge!”

He sighed heavily. What to do, what to-

“I’ve got it!” he exclaimed triumphantly, pumping a fist into the air excitedly. “If I can’t find any decent competition, I’ll make some!” He snapped his talons, and suddenly he was in a laboratory, fully decked out in evil scientist gear. He rubbed his palms together in anticipation. “Alright, let’s see… they’ll definitely need strong magic… so strong they control the sun and moon! And they’ll have to fly to be able to keep up with me… better give them wings, too. But they’ll have to be bigger than a normal pegasus’ wings to give them that extra bit of power to go faster. Let’s see, what else…

“Well they definitely can’t be as short as normal ponies. I won’t be able to take them seriously if I have to look down at them all the time.

“And… ooh! Let’s have it be a mare! Then there can be dramatic unresolved sexual tension between us!” he exclaimed gleefully. He paused a moment. “Not yet, though. It’ll be more dramatic if she has to start out fighting me as a fairly young child, and I am not that kind of draconequus.” He shuddered.

“And finally, she’ll have to be immortal. Otherwise I’ll have to create new enemies every time the previous one gets too old to fight!” Blueprints finally fully thought-out, Discord focused his magical energy and…

SNAP!

A brand-new lifeform was sprawled out on the table in front of him, dead asleep. Her coat was white, her hair a light pink, and her cutie mark took the image of the sun.

“It worked!” he declared triumphantly. “I think I’ll name you… Celestia,” Discord decided. “You are a pony, after all, and ponies tend to be very literal with their names. You control the sky, so… yeah.” She began to rouse, and looked confusedly around the room.

“Where am I?” she asked.

“Nowhere important,” Discord shrugged. “All you need to know is this: your name is Celestia, you control the sun and moon and can harness their power, you’re immortal, I’m an evil jerk, and your sole mission in life is to put an end to my reign of tyranny. Ta-ta!” With these final words of wisdom, he vanished, leaving a very confused and newly-created Celestia alone in the middle of nowhere.

150 YEARS LATER

Discord was brooding in a cave. When he’d created Celestia all those years ago, he’d meant for her to challenge him, not stop him. In hindsight, giving her power over both the sun and the moon had been a terrible idea. Now even his smallest attempts at chaos were crushed the second she got wind of it, and if she ever saw him personally, he ended up with a terrible sunburn for weeks.

The real problem was that she didn’t have anything else to occupy her time with. After all, her sole purpose in life was stopping him. She didn’t even technically have to eat or sleep, since she was an immortal.

“But what if she did have something else to occupy her time with…” Discord thought aloud suddenly. He grinned and once again began to plot.

“Well, first things first, let’s take away the ability to go without sustenance or rest,” Discord decided. “And she has too much power… Ah! I’ll give her a sister to deal with, and she can have the moon powers! PLUS! Her sister will be desperately jealous of her. Because…um… ooh! She’ll have a crush on me! But I’ll be focusing my attention on her sister! Let’s get a love triangle brewing! And that contention will make it harder for them to get along, as well as leave the younger sister conflicted about fighting me! It’s too perfect!”

SNAP!

“Ah, and here she is! I’ll name you… Luna.” He poked her side, waking her up as he snapped and summoned Celestia.

“Discord!” she exclaimed angrily, getting into a defensive position. She noticed the new alicorn as she sat up disorientedly. “But… she’s like me!”

“Yep! I made you a sister! Thought you might be lonely, my dear. Had to give her your power over the moon, though, hope you don’t mind!”

“What are you playing at, Discord!?” Celestia demanded.

“Who, me?” Discord asked innocently, putting an arm around the young Luna’s shoulders. She blushed. “I’m just being nice! I’ll just leave you two to bond. Bye!” He left once again, only to return seconds later. “Oh, by the way, Celestia, I’m changing your mane. Just pink is too plain for such a beautiful mare.” He winked, snapped, and left as Celestia’s mane turned multicolored. The last thing he saw was Luna turning to glare at her sister.

1 YEAR LATER

He’d given himself enough of a head start that he could run in dramatic slow-motion the last few dozen feet to safety, and he dove and slammed the solid wooden door against his attacker just as… it reached him and he heard a loud THUNK as contact was made. He was almost genuinely afraid for his life in a way he’d never thought possible before. His attacker began throwing itself violently against the door, desperate to reach him.

“This was a terrible idea!” Discord shouted, struggling with all his might to hold the door closed against Luna’s persistence.

“Discord, my love, think of what a wonderful team we could make!” Luna cried desperately through the door. “Celestia doesn’t have to come between us anymore!”

“This is why you never mess with love magic!” Discord grumbled. “This has got to stop. Oh, but she has to be jealous of Celly for something…” Luna’s hoof suddenly smashed through the door right in front of his face, and he panicked too much to put real creativity into his plan.

SNAP! The thumps stopped, and Luna’s hoof was removed.

“Ah well, I guess it’ll just have to be a boring old power struggle. Best I could do on short notice. I suppose I may as well give Lulu flowy hair now, too, while I’m at it. After all, I don’t need to use the ‘beautiful hair’ thing to inspire jealousy anymore.” He snapped again.

“Discord, you monster!” Luna exclaimed. “Stop manipulating us!” That’s more like it… “I’m going to come back with Celestia and stop you once and for all so you’ll stop messing with us!” Hmm… I think I’ll add some communication difficulties to widen the rift between them, though… wouldn’t want them growing too close… SNAP! “We shall never forgive thee for manipulating us thusly!” Perfect! “Cease this wibbling (don’t look it up, it’s a nonsense word and has a made-up definition, explained in the author’s note) at once!” Discord gasped at her language.

“That was totally uncalled for!” he scolded through the door. “You aren’t allowed to use made-up language against me!” Snap! “Now you can’t make up words ever again!” Plus you’re more introverted. After all, if a mare is random enough to make up a word like ‘wibbling’, they have to be chaotic enough to fall for me naturally. I’d hate for this to happen again, but if she’s an introvert she won’t be likely to declare her feelings. Not that that really affects her power levels at all…

300 YEARS LATER

“Well, it certainly took a few tries, but I finally got it right!” Discord said triumphantly from his chaos throne. He’d managed to slip by Celestia and Luna with just enough spare time that he’d had plenty of time to play around. Now he was waiting impatiently for the sisters to come and temporarily thwart him so he could have fun starting over from scratch.

And, of course, they showed up with some weird mystical rock things and turned him to stone for a thousand years. Great.

“And you pretty much know the rest,” Discord finished with a dramatic flourish, snap, and bow. All of their mouths returned to them, and Twilight’s jaw dropped open as she stared at him in absolute horror, as she had been doing since about two minutes into the retelling.

“You… created the princesses!?” Twilight exclaimed, looking quickly between the three immortals around the table.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Celestia admitted with a grimace. “I apologize for trying to deceive you.”

“We do not like to discuss it,” Luna explained with a sigh.

“And… the bit about you and um… you know…” Twilight asked her, feeling a bit sick.

“We w- I was magically influenced. I refuse to be held accountable,” Luna said through gritted teeth.

“Good thing I got rid of those pesky feelings for me, too,” Discord said. “I mean, can you imagine how awkward it would be for me to have both sisters after me!?”

“... what?” Twilight asked dumbfoundedly, wide eyes turning uncomprehendingly onto Celestia.

“Goodbye, Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia said quickly, pushing Twilight out of the room with her magic. “Travel safely.” She slammed the door and locked it. Luna gave her an amused glance.

“Celestia, you do realize that Discord is in some ways practically our father, right?” Luna asked smugly.

“Shut up,” Celestia muttered, blushing and refusing to look at anyone.

“You’re one to talk,” Discord pointed out with a grin.

“YOUR MAGIC! NOT! MY! FAULT!”

Twilight’s brain was too frazzled to focus enough for teleportation, so she ended up taking the train back to Ponyville, arriving in the early evening. She trudged unblinkingly down main street and walked emotionlessly into the library, where an oblivious Spike greeted her cheerfully.

“How’d it go, Twilight? Did you get some good information for your book?” he asked cheerfully.

She pulled out the few notes she’d managed to take before she’d become too horrified to continue, then looked blankly back up at him.

“I don’t think I’m going to write that book anymore,” she declared, and vaporized the notes before heading up to her room to take a nice, healing nap, and hopefully wake up from this nightmare.

Author's Note

Just realized I didn't give the definition of 'wibbling'. It has MANY definitions, according to the page my sister and I wrote on the matter, but in this context, 'wibbling' means 'to use supernatural means to cause contention between two or more lifeforms'. Oddly specific? Yes. Yes it is.