'Taint Natural

by Minds Eye

Rating: teen
Tags: Caramel, Big Macintosh, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Braeburn, Comedy
Length: 2341

Caramel endures a night of drinks and mares with his cousins Braeburn and Big Macintosh.

Caramel is tired of his cousins ragging on him for having a pegasus marefriend, so he proposes a drinking game for the three of them to play.

Edited by Noble Thought.

Published 2014-11-14 02:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-14 02:50:02 UTC

The trouble with Caramel

"'Taint natural, cous!"

Caramel slammed his mug back on the bar and shouted at the ceiling, "Why?!"

Braeburn sneered. "I’ve been sayin’ it all night. She flies, and you dig. We just don't mix. I came all this way to help you find a mare—"

"I've got a mare! I've got a great mare!"

"I'm sure this Sassafras is—"

"Sassaflash!"

"Exactly! What kinda name is that? It's like that 'Rainbow Dash' filly that came over with the apple tree. They're all flighty and don't make a lick of sense."

Caramel slouched, holding his face in his hooves. "Because they fly."

Braeburn threw his hat to the floor. "Help me out here, Mac!"

Caramel turned his head to his mountain of a cousin sitting on his other side. "Come on, Mac. You actually live here. You’ve seen me with the other mares! I got four left hooves with ‘em."

Big Macintosh finished his cider and put it down next to five other empty mugs. He stared back at Caramel for a moment before slowly shaking his head. "Pa told me Apples are married to the Earth."

Braeburn pounded the bar. "Another round for the big guy! Truer words were never spoken!" He elbowed Caramel’s shoulder. "Face it, cous. You’re not leaving this bar without talking to some mares. I’ve only been here for a day, and I’m already thinking of stayin’! You’ve got a whole town full to pick from!"

"And I picked one!"

Mac slammed down his seventh mug. "Are you two done yet?! You’re cawin’ back and forth like crows!"

"Alright," Caramel hissed through his teeth, "how’s this? I’ll talk to some mares. I’ll even try to go home with one! But every time they leave me hangin’ you two take a drink." He shot a glare at Braeburn. "And not those ciders, either! The hardest stuff they’ve got here! If I go down, you’re both coming with me."

Braeburn answered his look with one of his own. "And you’ll give it an honest shot? You won’t take a dive?"

"I’ll be a perfect gentlecolt."

Mac’s hoof landed on Caramel's shoulder. "He’s an Apple, alright. If he says he won’t cheat, he won’t cheat."

"Fair enough." Braeburn shoved him from the other side. "Have at it, hound dog."

Caramel took a breath and turned around. Despite all the arguing, he had to agree with Braeburn’s assessment of Ponyville. A mare or two or three sat at each table, and only about half of them sat with a stallion.

One mare in particular caught his eye. She sat alone with her head bowed and downcast eyes never straying far from the table. A hoof twiddled the pink bow tucked into her white collar back and forth.

Braeburn whistled. "She looks lonely. Go get her."

"Watch and learn, boys." He cracked a smile and left them behind.

Save for her moving hoof, the mare sat like a statue carved from gray stone as he approached. From his vantage, he could see her cutie mark, the same pretty purple color as her eyes, but the only thing the curvy shape meant to him was that she was a high class pony.

He stopped next to her table. "Good evening, ma’am."

She raised an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"Uh, good evening, ma’am."

Her eyebrow dropped back down into a hard look. "My name is Octavia."

He grinned. "Caramel. It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am."

She said, "I wish I could say the same, Caramel," and took a sip from her drink.

"Did... did I say something wrong, ma’am?"

Octavia stood and glared at him, eyes narrowing further. "You did, and you continue to do so. How old do you think I am?"

"I-I don’t... not much older than me, ma’am?"

SLAP!

Caramel crumpled to the floor, holding his temple. Octavia was gone by the time he regained his senses. A yellow hoof reached out to him, and he took it.

Braeburn helped him to his feet. "What in tarnation did you say to her?"

"Wish I knew. I just said, ‘Good evening, ma’am,’ and she went stone cold on me."

"You what?"

"What?"

"You don’t call a mare ma’am!"

Caramel rubbed his head. "But... she looked like a ma’am. You saw her. Never saw a farmgirl like that before!"

"You stupid—" Braeburn yanked his hat over his face and groaned. "Still, that was a heavy shot you took."

"Yeah, and you got one of your own."

"Shut it and walk." Braeburn led him back to the bar. "He called her ma’am!"

Macintosh shook his head, but he pushed a mug towards Braeburn. "Deal’s still a deal. Cheers."

Caramel waved down the bartender. "Could I get some ice for the road?"

Braeburn choked as he swallowed. "Road? You’re giving up after one mare? Mac, I thought you said he was an Apple!"

Big Mac shrugged a shoulder and finished off his drink.

"But—"

"No buts! There’s still plenty of mares out on that floor. Get moving!"

"Fine." He sighed and scanned the room. Laughter drew his attention to a table with three mares. The flower trio sat on one side of a table, Roseluck in the middle, between Lily and Daisy.

Mac shoved him forward, and he stumbled into their table.

Roseluck stared up at him, a small frown pursing her lips. "Can we help you?"

He chuckled nervously. "Nope, just four left hooves."

Daisy smiled. "It wasn’t your hooves that knocked you down last time, champ. You sure you’re up for this?"

Lily snorted and covered her mouth with a hoof.

Caramel gulped and cast his eyes around the table. They landed on the lily in Lily’s mane. "That’s a pretty flower."

"It is," Roseluck said. "You know what else was pretty? Those two roses you and Sassaflash bought from me last week. That’s meaningless to you now, huh?"

"Ooh." Daisy shook her head. "Bad boy. An undependable earth stallion is like a... a... help me out here, Lily. Like something undependable?"

Lily doubled over laughing, and leaned into Roseluck.

Caramel gulped again. "It’s complicated. The thing is—"

Rose stood up, supporting her friend. "I believe that’s our cue, girls." The three of them, Lily barely containing her laughter, walked to another table and sat with their backs to him.

He staggered back to the bar with legs as stiff as boards. His cousins finished their second round, and he leaned on the bar, cupping his muzzle in his hooves. "This is just doing wonders for my self-esteem."

Braeburn groaned. "Self-estwhat? No wonder you’re striking out! No one talks like that!"

Caramel shook his head. "Doesn’t matter. They saw that other mare knock me out, and now everypony else just saw them leave me high and dry. I’m done."

Big Mac pounded his hoof. "One more."

"It ain’t my night, Mac!"

"Third time’s the harm, cous."

He blinked and stared at Braeburn. "Don’t you mean charm?"

Braeburn's eyes crossed and uncrossed, then focused on Caramel's face. "Yeah. ‘Swhat I said."

"Fine," Caramel moaned. He looked down the bar on his left and right. There was a nurse from the hospital standing alone, her pink tail swishing back and forth across the red cross and hearts of her cutie mark. "I guess she’s pretty."

"You guess? There is no pleasin’ you, is there? Get on with it, and keep it simple this time!"

He forced himself to smile and trotted over. "Miss Redheart, isn’t it?"

"Hm?" She looked over and smiled. "Mister Caramel. How are you tonight?"

"Doing better now." He stayed standing, leaning his shoulder against the bar. "I was wondering if we could keep things simple tonight."

Redheart gasped. "Beg pardon?"

"You and me at my place. I wouldn’t mind getting a check-up from the hottest piece in the whole ward."

Her drink splashed in his face, the alcohol burning his eyes. Redheart glared and bared her teeth. "If you ever say that to me again, I’ll throw the glass at you."

Caramel trudged back to his drinking cousins. He dropped his chin to the bar. "Can I go home now?"

Mac finished his round and patted his back. "Eeyup."

"Not yet," Braeburn insisted. "You’ve got one more to go!"

"That’s what Mac said last time!"

"What Mac said! Now you do my one more!"

"I-I can’t!" Caramel looked around. "Everypony here’s seen me. I’m radioactive, man! No mare is gonna talk to me now!"

Braeburn grinned. "Then you pick somepony that hasn’t seen you." He pointed. "Her."

Rarity stepped inside, and his jaw hit the floor. "W-what are you talking about? She’s a unicorn!"

"She’s got all four hooves on the ground!"

Mac sighed. "Enough’s enough."

"One line, Caramel! Ask her to share a table with you. We’ll follow you, and if she says no, we’re gone."

Rarity waited by the door, scanning the floor for an empty seat.

Caramel took a tentative step forward before Braeburn prodded him further. He walked around the crowd of mares smirking at him until he reached his goal. "Evening, Miss Rarity."

She smiled warmly. "Good evening, Caramel. I must say, I’m surprised to see you here tonight."

"You remember my cousin Braeburn? He’s in town for a couple days. Macintosh and I were—"

"Showing him the sights in Ponyville, I see." Rarity looked behind him and giggled. "It looks like you three have had enough for one night."

Both of his cousins bumped into him on their way out the door. Caramel rolled his eyes. "They’re definitely done. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing a table with me for a little while?"

She stepped back, and a light blush colored her cheeks. He held his breath as she studied him closely. Her smile stopped his heart. "I... I certainly admire a bit of boldness in a stallion, but I’m afraid I have to decline."

Caramel returned her smile. "I understand. Have a pleasant evening, Miss Rarity."

"And you, Caramel."

He stepped outside and let out his breath in a massive sigh. "Satisfied? Six mares just turned me down flat in about six minutes. Had enough of my humiliation yet?"

Braeburn tipped his hat. "Reckon so."

Caramel snorted and headed down the street. "I found one that actually wants to be around me. That’s no small feat."

"Looks that way." Braeburn fell in step beside him, and Mac followed. "Sorry, cous. What say we just sleep it off?"

"Sounds good to me." He grinned and looked over. "Show me the way to go home."

"Oh, come on. You know I don’t know my way around—"

Caramel bumped him and crooned, "I’m tired and I wanna to go to bed."

Braeburn’s eyes lit up. "I had a little drink about an hour ago..."

Macintosh fell over them, wrapping a foreleg around each of their shoulders. "AND IT’S GONE RIGHT TO MY HEAD!"

The three of them swayed down the road, laughing and singing into the night.

Caramel pulled Braeburn’s hat over the sleeping stallion’s eyes. "You sure you don’t want to stay, Mac?"

"Eeyup."

"There’s another couch in the other room."

"Nope."

He looked back at his unsteady cousin, standing by the door and swiping at the knob. "So it’s okay for Apple Bloom to start dating colts?"

"Eeyup."

He sighed. "Mac, stay here. You’ve had too much."

"Too much to walk home?"

Caramel smiled and waved a hoof around. "Too much to realize you’re already there." He pointed at his red recliner in the corner. "See? There’s Granny’s favorite rocker."

Mac looked to the chair, frowned, looked again, and smiled. "Oh yeah." He dropped to the floor and curled up. "Night, Caramel."

"Night, Mac."

Caramel stepped over Macintosh and made his way upstairs, ears tense and attuned to the rhythmic breathing of his two cousins. Another moment, then two slipped by as he waited in the doorway to his bedroom, listening for any change in that rhythm, then locked his bedroom door behind him and pushed open his window, taking a long breath of the cool night air. He left the window open when he headed for the bathroom to wash his face of Redheart’s drink.

"Tell me again why we had to do this?"

The voice brought a smile to his face. "Because we’re Apples, and Apples are nothing if not stubborn." He finished drying his muzzle and cheeks, then looked to the window.

Sassaflash perched on the sill with all four hooves. She stepped down and closed the window behind her. "At least tell me Redheart was drinking cider."

"Whiskey."

"Ugh." She made a face. "Wash it again."

Caramel chuckled and turned back to the sink. "I take it you enjoyed the show?"

"Not really. Kinda boring, actually, when you know how it ends." She pulled the covers off the bed. "Lily was worried she might have given it away by laughing so much."

"Oh, she was perfect. Really made me feel like a loser." He dried his face and caught a glimpse of a red mark decorating his temple. "Probably should have asked Octavia to throw the drink instead of Redheart."

Sassaflash flew over and kissed the mark. "Octavia says she’s sorry. She missed."

"Definitely should have had her throw the drink. I guess she’s not used to slapping stallions up in Canterlot."

"Well, the song and dance are all over with now." Her forelegs wrapped around his neck. "What say we start the grand finale?"

Caramel chuckled as she pulled him towards the bed. "I like how you think." He climbed in and rolled on his back. "Hopefully they’ll let this go now that they’ve seen me crash and burn."

"About that..." Sassaflash pushed herself up and sat over his lap, straddling him with her hind legs. "For a second there, I honestly thought you had a shot with Rarity. I can’t believe I missed her walking in." She grinned. "Her loss."

He smiled and wrapped his forelegs around her waist. "You are the only mare I could ever want."

"Good answer."