You Still Smell Like Doritos
“Anon! Open up already! I brought all of these news crews with me, so open the door and tell us a little about your home!” Twilight Sparkle continued to bang on the door, but I stayed inside where it was safe and I had hot pockets. As long as I had my hot pockets I was safe. I looked down into the big cardboard box of sustenance and happiness. One hot pocket left in stock, hope was low, as was morale, general outlook on life, and self-esteem. In other words: back to the norm. Tossing the box aside, I stood from my spot on the floor, disturbing the wrappers and tossing the microwave across the floor.
I pulled on my suit jacket and snapped my wrists a few times, bringing my ensemble back to gleaming quality in a second. I moved the muscles in my face from the panicked, fear-ridden expression and adopted a disgruntled, apathetic-to-your-opinions face that never had sat well with the ponies, especially that nag Twilight Sparkle. Two months of being here, with only my name and a single descriptive sentence to tide the overly-curious Princesses and their subjects over, seemed to be a bit lacking for them. I knew from the moment I got here through the Cosmic Lateral Internet Teleporter that the purple one would bug me, you could see it in her big anime eyes. Fuck that weaboo shit.
Ah, swearing is back online. Indeedily-fucking doo-dah. I turned to the door, which rattled repeatedly– and even bulged inwards a few times– and made my way towards it. I gripped that handle and flung the bastard open, leading with my right foot. My mama always said to put your best foot forward. Said foot collided with Twilight’s face and I stomped her into the ground, leaving a twitching Princess on my doorstep. I withdrew the baseball bat I kept next to my doorframe in case of baseball bat emergencies, and I lined the thick of the bat up with Twilight’s noggin.
“FORE!” Yes, it was a generic line, but it was perfectly fitting at the same time. Instead of zipping out over a green field and scoring me a beautiful hole-in-one, the purple Princess’ limp body skipped down the five stairs leading up to my home. The reporters were shocked for a moment, and I stared at Twilight’s unconscious body. Except for a throbbing horn– hehe– she’d be fine. I would know, I ditched her by throwing her in front of a train once. Of course it was an accident, fingers and arms can be tricky things sometimes, can’t always control them correctly.
I walked back inside my house and closed the door, locking only the bottom lock to be polite, of course. I cleaned the clumps of purple fur and violet hair off my bat with my forearm, and laid it back next to the door gently. There was complete silence outside, granting me peace for a little while longer than asked for. Such was a gift that I took advantage of. I stripped down to my tighty whities and slipped beneath the covers of my futon, one of the very few on this planet. Pony beds were too small and gaudy anyway.
I was asleep for either twenty seconds or twenty hours, it’s hard to tell, before a knock came from my front door. An angry one, at that. You can tell the difference, you know. A normal knock is more crisp and clean, while a pissy one is obnoxious and disturbing my sleep. I redressed and grabbed my bat, ready to greet the guest at my doorstep (as any gracious host should be wont to do). I turned the knob and pulled the door inwards, looking down at a purple alicorn Princess with a much darker purple lump large enough to rival her horn. She had remnants of tears streaking down the left side of her face, but at this point she was now all fury. “Yes?” I asked. “I was in the middle of a fantastic dream where none of you ever bothered me ever.”
Twilight opened her mouth, grew a look of genius revelation, and then shut her noise hole. A devilish smirk grew across her mouth then, as if she had just figured out how to best me. I already knew her plan: get Princess Luna into my dreams. Joke was on her, though, I get seriously fucked up when I get seriously fucked up. And by seriously fucked up– the second seriously fucked up– I mean absolutely shit-face destroyed. I already made plans to break out the scotch and gin in my cabinet and to set up the fancy shot glass I won from Berry Punch in a staring contest. I have no eyes visible to anyone, it was a fucking stomp.
The Princess raced down my stairs and pushed the stunned reporters out of the way, then tried to teleport once she was far enough away. She cried out and hit the ground, then jumped back up and called for her whimsical flying stagecoach that broke every aviation safety rule in existence. I would be ready. Luna had no clue what she was getting into with me. She had never visited me beforehand, or beforehoof, so this would be either a historic event or a national tragedy. All bets for option two go in the left basket, ladies and gentlemen.
I took off my jacket, draping it over the chair delicately before the shit-facing could begin. Everyone in Ponyville knew I fell asleep around twelve-thirty at night. Or in the morning? So it was no big surprise that Luna would be ready to invade my mind with Twilight behind her and attempt to question me within my most private of privates. Not my junk, but my mind. Which was also full of all different kinds of junk: strangers’ junk, email junk, anime junk, funny junk, MMOs. All kinds of garbage and useless dumb bullshit. But this is where that junk would certainly pay off. And with the force of five shots of disgusting, cheap gin and scotch mixed together into a freak show of booze heresy, my mind could shake the pillars of sanity itself.
I sat down and rolled up my sleeves, pouring each shot in my fancy-ass shot glass deliberately, and taking the drinks even more so. After five, I was right good and fucked up, and let me tell you, falling into a futon drunk is easy. That’s the whole goddamn point of those things. I wiggled about like a seven year old deprived of his Warcraft for six minutes, taking off my clothes and shouting obscenities, and then promptly fell asleep. I have perfect drunk recall, thank you very fucking much, so shove it you non-believer. Praise Allah.
I was immediately thrust into a chair, with a metal table in front of me, and beyond that Princess Blue and Princess Purple. I smiled wide and stretched my arms across the table, cocooning them in my loving embrace while they screamed in joy. I pulled them close and became a gelatinous blob that devoured them and sent them careening into Los Angeles traffic on a Monday in my submarine. I gave them a salute and said, “Shuck it Trebek,” before flooring my lawn mower deeper into New York City and crashing through the Eiffel Tower, which collapsed on my starship. Purple and Blue stumbled out and stared, clearly impressed if the horrified looks were any indication, at the fact that I was now an eldritch abomination covered in multiple tentacle limbs and eyes.
“I've seen tons of Hentai,” I said. What happened after was revolting for both of us, but it left them shattered and battered, especially in the anal and oral regions. While they had their hips realigned and their jaws set, and after of course they had the cum surgically removed from their fur, I tossed them into my limo and took them Tipping. “Look! There’s one!” I shouted excitedly as they themselves shook– but for a different reason– as I pointed out the window.
An entire herd of Fedora Tippers, grazing upon a field of Doritos, looked to the skies and blanched in terror. Warning the others, they began to belt “mmmm’lady, mmmm’lady” and I angled the jet limo in the sky while I lined up the perfect shot. I had to get this just right, and so I remembered all of my training from The Hurt Locker and Jarhead, becoming the perfect sniper right at that exact moment.
“23 wind, 42 latitude, 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 3 persons in one God, 2 girls one cup. And one glorious shot. Rest in parkour, nerds.” I then fired a well-aimed ICBM and annihilated all of the Tippers and their Doritos, leaving only a small pile of singed neckbeard hair on a plain of chalky orange dust. I landed my Death Star and kissed my index and middle fingers, raising them to the sky. “I have achieved euphoria in your place, your deaths were not in vain.”
I then pissed all over Purple and Blue and woke up.
I was covered in piss but it was cool.
Author's Note
i am a writer
