But I Wanna Die!

by Rinnaul

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2799

Ditzy Doo hesitates to eat a muffin, and then Twilight and her friends debate ethics. These events are related.

Ditzy Doo hesitates to eat a muffin, and then Twilight and her friends debate ethics. These events are related.

(Inspired by "Do You Want to Go Skateboards?" by Takarashi282, who I felt missed the more obvious crossover point. Both stories based on this youtube thing.)

Published 2014-11-16 05:30:08 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-16 05:30:08 UTC

It's Muffin Time!

The sun was only just beginning to rise over Ponyville, mist still drifting along the ground in the pre-dawn light, when Ditzy Doo opened her door and stepped out onto the small porch. Her mane was even more of a tangled mess than usual, and her postmare’s cap sat crooked atop that mane, slowly sliding to one side in an endeavor to escape its intended purpose, and perhaps seek out a new life of its own, unbound by the preconceived notions of pony society towards clothing accessories.

Or, considering that she was yawning and rubbing her eyes, she may have simply not slept well, and neglected to wear it in a secure and stable fashion.

In truth, Ditzy’s morning had been far from pleasant. Her daughter had gone to her first sleepover, and motherly concerns had kept her sleep from being properly restful the entire night. The brief sensation of dread felt by a single mother waking up to an empty house had helped nothing. And then, no matter how hard she searched the kitchen, she could find nothing she might want to eat for breakfast.

Certainly, there were worse things. She’d had far more terrible experiences in her life than a tired, hungry morning—things the average citizen of Ponyville would never have guessed about the pleasant, if somewhat simple-minded and easily confused, mailmare.

But she didn’t talk about those things. And besides, those topics were far too grim and tragic for a story as silly as this one.

For, as Ditzy took the first step from her door, she felt her hoof bump against something. Looking down, she was surprised to discover a small cardboard box, stamps and a shipping label pasted to one side. The label had gotten wet at some point during the night, and the only legible portion was the “TO:” that ended in her name.

Ditzy had no idea how the box had come to be there. It couldn’t have been delivered with the mail, because she was the one who did that, and she hadn’t even started her rounds yet. Even if it had come yesterday, she didn’t leave packages sitting out on porches overnight, even if the postal regulations said it was allowed. Plus, she was fairly certain she’d remember delivering a package to her own house.

She knelt down slightly to sniff at the package, and her eyes widened — it smelled like breakfast (so long as by "breakfast" you meant "muffins", which comprised the majority of the short list of foods that Ditzy liked)! It wouldn’t do to leave food sitting out, and, after all, nopony was ever really all that upset when she ran a little late on her rounds. Happily, she picked up the box, and, dismissing what sounded like a tiny voice as just one of those things that happened to her sometimes, brought it into the kitchen.

Placing it on the table, she opened the box to reveal a brown muffin sitting in the exact center of it, surprisingly appearing to be undisturbed despite its trip through the mail, and her own overeager handling of the box. The muffin seemed to be some sort of bran variety, which weren’t her favorite. But muffins were good on principle, and she was quite hungry, after all.

She studied it for a moment, and then shrugged, stretching towards it, and opening her mouth to take the first bite, when—

“Are you gonna eat me?” asked a bubbly, foal-like voice from right under her nose.

Ditzy froze, and glanced downwards.

The muffin was now standing on a pair of tiny legs, resting a pair of tiny hands on the lip of the box, and looking up at her with bright, cheery eyes, and a wide smile on its “face”.

She stared at it. She closed her eyes, and mentally counted to four, which may not seem very long, but she was prone to getting off-track. For her, reaching Four usually took about the same amount of time as reaching Ten did for the average pony.

She opened her eyes again, and the muffin was still watching her. She closed one eye and looked at it for a moment. Then she opened that eye, closed the other, and turned her head a bit to bring the now-open but difficult-to-aim eye to bear on it. It was still there. She opened both her eyes and began on the next problem: how to respond to it.

“Are you?” the chipper-voiced little muffin pressed her.

It sounded like a colt. Maybe one even younger than Dinky. Ditzy maintained a strict rule about being honest with children. That had produced a few awkward conversations in regards to Ditzy’s attempts to re-enter the dating scene, but on the whole, it was a point she was dedicated to and proud of.

On the other hoof, there were some things you just don’t want to admit to.

“No,” she said cautiously.

“Aw,” the muffin responded, not one ounce of cheer leaving its voice. “But I wanted to die!”

Ditzy stared at it for a moment. “Why do you want to—”

“Do you like muffins?” it asked, grinning and bouncing a bit in the box as it did.

Ditzy kept her mouth shut and just nodded.

“Then why won’t you let me die?” it demanded cheerfully, the smile never leaving its face.

"Because... eating you would be wrong?" she offered.

"But I'm a muffin!" it said brightly. "And I wanna die!"

Ditzy stared at it a moment longer, and then pushed the lid on the box closed again, despite the happy cry of "Somebody kill me!" from within as she did.

She knew who to ask about this.

"You're all probably wondering why I called you here," Twilight said to her assembled friends, who sat around the crystalline table in her new castle.

Rarity nodded. "Sorry, dear, but Spike wasn't very clear about the problem."

"Yeah," Applejack said. "He just told me something about talking food, but that doesn't sound like something you'd need all of us for."

"Is that what you said?" Rainbow Dash asked with a yawn. "I thought we were all getting together for lunch if something."

"You know, you'd follow along a lot better if you didn't sleep half the day away in my trees."

"I just came with Rarity," Fluttershy said, glancing between the others. "I don't know what's going on. Sorry."

"Muffin party?" Pinkie Pie asked. "I heard muffin party."

"Did somepony say muffin party?" Ditzy asked, popping up at the table between Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.

"I did say muffin party!" Pinkie said.

"Are we having a muffin party?" Ditzy asked.

"And why's Derpy here, anyway?" Dash asked before Pinkie could continue her back and forth with the other pegasus.

"Ditzy," Rarity said.

"What?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Yeah?" Ditzy said at the same time.

"No, no, I mean her name is Ditzy," Rarity said, waving a hoof as if to ward off the confusion. "Honestly, Rainbow Dash, you've lived just down the road from her for, what, four years now? The least you could do is learn her name."

"That is my name!" Ditzy said with a smile.

"She said it was her name," Dash argued.

"I think she meant—"

"Girls!" Twilight shouted, interrupting Rarity and pushing herself upright. "We're getting off-topic. Ditzy, bring out the box."

"Ooh, ominous name! It's giving me shivers," Pinkie said, giving herself a visible shake as Ditzy lifted a cardboard box onto the table. Her face fell, however, as Ditzy dropped the box, and a plain brown muffin rolled out. "Biiiit of a letdown on the reveal, though."

And then the muffin hopped up and threw its arms into the air. "It's muffin time!" it cried joyfully.

"What," said Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity. Pinkie smiled back at it, Fluttershy ducked under the table at the unexpected noise, and Twilight sighed and held a hoof over her eyes at her friends' reactions.

"Hi, Mr. Muffin!" Pinkie said to it.

"Hi!" it chirped back. "Are you gonna eat me?"

"Maybe," Pinkie said, "but I think I'd rather be friends instead."

"Aw, but I wanted to die!" the muffins said with glee.

"So, what's stopping you?" Dash asked.

"Rainbow Dash!" Applejack spun to face her friend. "You can't just say that sorta thing!"

"Why not?" Dash turned to her and shrugged. "If anypony gets to choose when you die, shouldn't the choice be yours?"

"I do wanna die!" the muffin happily added.

"It ain't like dying only affects you and you alone. It hits everypony around you. I oughta know."

"Well yeah, but that's between you and them. I don't know this guy, or muffin, or whatever. Who am I to tell him what to do with his life?"

"I want to spend my life getting eaten," the muffin said with a smile, "and then dying."

"Okay, this will be easier without the interruptions." Twilight lifted the muffin with her magic and placed it back into the box.

"No!" the muffin cried, joy still bubbling in its voice. "You were supposed to eat me!"

"Ditzy, put this in the kitchen for me, please." She passed the box over to Ditzy, who took off down the hall, declaring her arrival in the kitchen with a loud crash. Twilight sighed again, then turned back to her friends. "Okay, girls, how about the rest of you?"

"Well..." Rarity sucked air between her teeth, hesitating on her answer. "I suppose Rainbow Dash has a point, doesn't she?"

"Rarity!" Applejack shouted. "I expected more sense coming from you!"

"Calm down, darling, I'm not suggesting we just abandon a pony to their own devices when they express feelings like that. It would go against everything we've all stood for if we failed to do everything in our power to help a pony going through such an awful time. However, I agree with Rainbow. If, despite our efforts, that pony still wished to, well, depart, we have no right to force their hoof otherwise."

"Yeah, see?" Rainbow said. "My point exactly."

Applejack just groaned. "I can't believe you two. Fluttershy, please tell me you ain't going along with this."

Fluttershy, only just having come back from beneath the table, started and shifted lower in her chair. "Oh, um... Well, I'd hate to see anypony hurt themselves. I think it would be best if we made sure they were alright. If they're okay with that, I mean."

Applejack nodded. "Thank you. I was afraid I was alone on this one. How about you, Twi?"

Twilight looked between her friends. "So, wait... Applejack and Fluttershy think the best thing is to preserve life in any way."

Both ponies nodded.

"But Rainbow Dash and Rarity think personal freedom is more important," she continued.

The second pair also nodded.

"And I can't decide! That's the whole reason I called you all here!" Twilight pressed her forehooves to her temples and put her head down on the table. After a moment, she raised her head. "Willing to be the tiebreaker, Pinkie?"

Pinkie shrugged and kept playing with a colorful cube that she was twisting between her hooves. "I'd rather just make friends with them and hope that makes it better. Plus, we're way not qualified to answer stuff like this. We're just your friends, not ethicalismologists or whatever."

"Ethicists," Twilight corrected. "But it still means we're undecided, and I can't make a decision this big by myself." She glanced over to Spike, who sat in the corner reading comic books. "Hey, Spike, do you think—"

"Over my head," he said, flipping to the next page of his comic without even looking up.

"Ugh," she said, and put her head back down.

"Hey Spike, why not eat it yourself?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You eat, like, everything."

"Nope," he said, still not looking up. "Too weird."

"If you're so keen on somepony eating it, why not do it yourself?" Applejack asked.

"Ew, no." Dash stuck out her tongue. "That thing looked like a bran muffin. Those are gross."

"Chocolate and flaxseed," Pinkie said, having replaced her cube with a slinky.

"Even worse," Dash said. "Hey, why not have Discord turn it into a non-talking muffin, and then let somepony eat it?"

"That wouldn't really solve the problem, Rainbow," Rarity said. "And, well... Fluttershy?"

"I think that would set a bad precedent for him," Fluttershy said, looking stricken. "A very bad precedent."

"Girls, look, we need to figure this out," Twilight said. "Now that I'm a princess with a castle and everything, my decisions carry weight. We could be setting legal precedent right here."

From down the hall, a faint yet cheerful cry of "Yay, at last!" echoed from the general direction of the kitchens. All six of the gathered ponies looked up, and then rushed towards the source of the noise. Well, most of them rushed towards the noise. Pinkie Pie mostly bounced along at the rear of the group, uninterested in the actual matter at hand, but sticking by her friends regardless.

When they got to the kitchen, they found Ditzy sitting on the floor, an empty box between her hooves, and crumbs surrounding her.

She looked up, guilt all over her face. "I'm sorry, Princess Twilight. But I was really hungry."

Twilight worked her jaw, but no noise came out. On the other hoof, there were four sighs of relief from behind her.

"Oh, thank goodness that's taken care of," Rarity said.

"Yeah, we could've been here all day," said Dash, heading back down the hall.

"Yep. I got some apples that need taken care of, and this was running longer than I figured on," said Applejack as she caught up with the pegasus.

"I'm just glad we didn't have to make such an awful decision," said Fluttershy, again trailing along behind the group.

"Girls, wait!" Twilight called out, trotting up behind them. "We didn't solve anything yet! All we did was put the decision off until later. What if it comes up again?"

The other four looked between one another, and then Rarity turned back. "Honestly, Twilight, that's all perfectly fine with us. After all, it wasn't exactly something any of us were prepared to answer, nor was it anything we felt qualified to do. And besides, we live next to the Everfree Forest. If anypony really wants to end his or her life, they have a multitude of ways to go about it without needing anypony else's input."

They started off again, discussing each other's plans for the day, while Twilight just sat there, stunned at the answer. After a moment, she stood and stomped towards the room they'd all met in. "Spike! Letter!"

Back in the kitchen, Pinkie sat down beside Ditzy. "So, how was it?"

"Not very good." Ditzy sighed. "If I knew it was flaxseed, I wouldn't have bothered the Princess about it."

"It's okay, Ditzy," Pinkie said, putting a hoof across her withers. "I know what'll turn that frown upside down. You and me have a muffin party to plan!"

With that, Ditzy's face broke out into a wide smile and she leapt to her hooves. "Muffin party! Wait, what's a muffin party like?"

"I dunno. I've never had one before." She gave Ditzy another pat on the back. "But that just means we get to make it any kind of party we want!"

"Hooray, muffin parties!" Ditzy cheered, and the two trotted off into the sunset.

Except it was only just a little past noon, so instead of the sunset, they trotted over to Sugarcube Corner for lunch, after which they went by the post office so Pinkie could help Ditzy with her now-extremely-late deliveries.

The details of a muffin party are left to the reader's imagination.

...and then they all just left!

Your faithful frustrated student fellow princess,
Twilight Sparkle

Celestia chuckled and passed the scroll to Luna as she sipped her tea.

"What has young Twilight written of today, sister?" Luna asked, taking the scroll in her own magic.

"It seems she inadvertently held her first Court," Celestia replied with a smile after setting her tea down. "It went as well as they ever do, I gather."

A smirk was forming on Luna's own face as she read the angry rant that had come to them via dragonfire. "How do you plan on advising her on the matter?"

"I'm certain I can think of something," Celestia said, taking up a scroll and quill in her aura.

Dear Twilight,

Welcome to politics. You have my condolences.

Your friend,
Celestia

Author's Note

About that bit near the start: If you've read the first thing I wrote about the Doo family, you could probably guess my backstory for Derpy/Ditzy is not a very pleasant one.