Princess Celestia's eyes snapped open - it was the middle of the night. Her horn was lit, and it thrummed with a mild disturbance - she focused on how the magic resonated, trying to get a feel for the source.
Discord, is that you again? she thought as the light from her horn faded. It was definitely him. She had been awoken several times a month since he had been given free reign, perhaps due to his odd chaotic magic clashing with the natural order of things.
When I get hold of you....She wasn't sure why the small disturbance troubled her, only that it did. They were minor bothers, but there had been enough to make her start to dread sleep; she had a few questions for the mischievous draconequus.
The Princess' horn lit again, and within a few seconds the bizarre being popped into existence in the middle of her bed chamber. He was singing in the shower - Celestia shook her head.
"...nothing wrong with a little competition...Oh, Celestia! Its so nice to see you invading my privacy once again! Are we feeling particularly lonely tonight?" Celestia bristled - summoning Discord was never a pleasant time.
Well, almost never she thought. He could actually be pretty entertaining, when he wasn't taking it too far and terrorizing the populace. Sometimes she even let him run his mouth and perform his silly tricks for a while; he was a natural performer, and combined with his powers, made for an impressive comedy act. Or, maybe she was just bored all the time and was desperate for something, anything that was different. Being over a thousand years old tended to do that to you.
"Was my special brand of companionship required? I can be pretty convincing...". He snapped his fingers, and with a flash transformed into a white stallion, clad in regal attire from hundreds of moons ago. The Princess raised an eyebrow, intrigued, but silent.
"Well, are you into the traditional fairytale prince?" He quipped.
"Or perhaps something more rugged"?" With another snap the fancy clothing vanished, his coat changed color to a lustrous shade of brown, and a ranchers hat, indicative of the hardy Earth ponies of Appleloosa to the South, exploded onto his head with a SQUEEE.
"How about this, Princess? Anything?"
The illusion was admittedly attractive, and Celestias mind involuntarily wandered to less-than-pure thoughts, as evidenced by her wings threatening to unfold. She'd always had a thing for cowponies, but not a soul save Luna knew about it. Thankfully, Discord didn't notice.
Oh my stars, what a field day THAT would be for the press! she thought.
It was then that Discord, with a corny wink and yet another snap, transformed into...Celestia herself. She winced at his interpretation of feminine poise.
The imposter batted her eyes comically at the true Princess, and asked, in Celestia's voice, "Or were we looking to get kinky?"
That was her limit - Celestia cast a dispelling wave that washed over and through the Draconequus, revealing his regular form. He pouted, "Now, there's the Celestia we know and love." She hid her impatience behind her etiquette, and kept her voice low. There was no need to have the guards burst in and muddle things up even more.
A scenario popped into her head - "Oh, whats that you say, Flash Sentry? Princess Celestia, immortal demi-goddess and benevolent co-ruler of the land of Equestria receives secret midnight bedroom visits from none other than Discord, immortal demi-god of Chaos? The one who she and her sister turned to stone a thousand years ago, and then almost destroyed our way of life just a couple years ago? SCANDALOOOUUUS!". She was not sure from where in her mind the "scandalous" came from - Flash never said anything of the sort, but she just didn't like him.
No pony liked him. But why? She was too tired and didn't care. Onto business then...
"Discord." she stated evenly with a stern expression. "I have been having a difficult time getting enough sleep, and I have reason to believe that you may indirectly be the cause." Discord looked behind him as if unsure if she were truly addressing him and not an invisible twin with the same name, then looked back at her and pointed to himself with that look she couldn't stand, the one that screamed he was the obvious culprit but still pretended to have no idea what she was talking about. It was a look she was very familiar with.
"Why, Princess Celestia, what EVER do you mean?"
If I had a bit for every time I heard that line... she thought, solar flame starting to build in her eyes.
Evidently her face reflected this particular thought, because he then donned a friar's robe and preached, "Oh ye of little faith!"
She almost lost her shit right there.
Instead however, she did the Princessly thing and ignored the comment. After all, he had already been trying her patience for a millennium; what was another few minutes?
"Discord, have you been performing any powerful spells or other magic recently?"
A wily grin spread over Discord's face.
"Now Celestia, I thought we had an agreement about how I wouldn't have too much fun with certain subjects of yours." A whiteboard appeared next to him with the sound a high quality whoopie cushion makes. It was accompanied by several different markers of different colors, with magically drew a crude childlike portrait of each of the Element of Harmony bearers in turn; Purple for Twilight, pink for Pinkie, etc. Celestia was wondering what he would do with the bearer of Generosity, but as soon as she had the thought, a section of the whiteboard turned black and the white marker got to work.
That's one way to do it thought the Princess. But I would have...you know what? Who cares? Who the buck cares about how I would draw Rarity on a whiteboard? He was getting inside her head. Oh my stars, this was why people were turned to stone.... She let out a quiet sigh and rested her head on her hoof. She hadn't left her bed the entire time, and wasn't planning to at all, but if she wasn't completely exhausted by the time this was over, she was going to make a beeline for the kitchen and get a slice of chocolate cake, with some hot chocolate topped with chocolate mini-marshmallows and-
"Celestia, are you even listening?!"
She allowed herself a second sigh, and her other hoof went up to her chin. This was a two-hoof job.
"Yes Discord, I am listening. Please continue." She listened with growing effort.
"Anyway, as I was saying, I have to admit that I WOULD possibly have too much fun with Twilight. Maybe tell her a new number was invented? And Applejuice, she's great fun, you know about the whole honesty and morality thing she always has going on. Also Rainbow Dash, so easy to push her buttons! I think Rarity could use a new hairdo, and then there's the one that scares me sometimes. Are you sure about that one? Whats her deal?"
Celestia'so hooves moved up from her chin to bury her face.
"Its Applejack, and I do not know Pinkamena's 'deal'. I know that she grew up on a rock farm, that she has a few sisters, and that she has tendencies that rival yours. In fact, you two are somewhat similar in certain ways." She looked up - he was spending a disproportionate amount of time on Fluttershy's portrait, turning it into a masterpiece in Kindness' image. Celestia was actually impressed. Star Swirl had dabbled in artistry, but lacked the ability to really give motion and life to a painting...
Wait, what the Tartarus am I doing? she thought. Here she was, admiring Discords skill with markers drawings when she had a kingdom to run in the morning. Focus, Tia!
"Discord...." she began, but he immediately interrupted.
"But I digress! It just so happens that I've recently been trying out new things, you know how we immortals are always getting bored and trying to keep ourselves occupied! Some are better at it than others..." he said with a sideways glance as he touched up Fluttershy's left eyelash.
"Discord!" she pleaded. "Please, for the love of Harmony, just tell me what you were doing so I can go back to sleep. Please!"
Discords color faded, quite literally. "My goodness Celestia, how touchy are we tonight? If you must know, I was baking."
Celestia blinked.
"You were baking." she said simply. The statement threw her off - It wasn't right, it was too easy a response, he had to be lying...but she detected absolutely no deceit in what he said, and she was both an excellent judge of character and lie detector, with decades upon decades of experience. A halo appeared above Discords head; it caused her to become slightly more annoyed.
"Yes, I was baking."
"What were you baking."
"I was baking cupcakes."
"...did you bring any?"
"Princess Celestia, are you trying to seduce me?"
"Do you have a cupcake with you? One that you baked yourself? I want proof."
"Oh my Goddess, Celestia, you really want me to go home and bring a cupcake back for you? Just to prove my already obvious innocence?"
"I find that statement offensive."
"Which part?"
"The part where you implied that you would not get me a cupcake."
Discord paused. Something strange was happening - they were actually engaging in friendly banter, as if they were old friends with a long history. Celestia began to smile as the realization took hold of her as well. Then, the Princess of the Sun spoke surprisingly playfully.
"I hereby order you, Discord, God of Chaos, to go now to your place of residence and immediately return with a cupcake for your Princess." An incredulous look overtook Discord. It was not what he expected, but it felt like the perfect thing for her to say at that moment.
Deciding to play along, he bowed low and stated, "Your wish is my command, my Princess." He disappeared for about 10 seconds, and then popped back in the Princess' bedchamber with a banner that read I'm back!
He held a most unusually decadent-looking cupcake. It looked like double chocolate fudge, with dark green minty chips sprinkled delicately on top. It made Celestia's mouth water, and she thought, It looks absolutely amazing... although, the mint chips look like a last minute addition. She was ready - her horn lit, and a telekinesis field wrapped around the treat. It was small, almost bite-sized. After bringing it to her mouth, she took a bite of half the cupcake. Discord held his breath.
It was absolutely scrumptious. She could feel stress melting away from her shoulders and wings. The culinary bliss was absolute.
"Discord...you made this?"
"I did, Princess...would I lie?"
"You would mislead, or misrepresent, or misdirect, or deliberately misinterpret."
"Oh alright, I helped make it."
"Where?"
"In Fluttershy's kitchen."
"Did the Bearer of Kindness help you?"
"Why, yes she did, as a matter of fact."
"What did she help with?"
"Well, uuh...well, you see....hmmm...."
Celestia ate the second half of the cupcake as he stood before her stammering, trying to come up with a believable excuse for passing off Fluttershy's baking prowess as his own. The second bite was just as, if not more delicious than the first, and she barely contained a sigh of satisfaction.
"So here's what I think; you persuaded Fluttershy to bake a batch of cupcakes, and then I'm willing to wager on the fact that you added the mint chips to them afterwards." Discords face fell and he turned away, and suddenly she felt guilty for pointing it out. She had only seen him look anything close to ashamed a couple of times over the many, many years she'd known him. True, he was a master of mischief, and sometimes she wanted to blast the supposedly reformed bastard to the Sun - but there was good in him. She knew there was, and she felt that this proved it, despite the misdirection about who actually baked the goods.
You know what? This is probably as good as he has ever been, now that I really think about it she thought
"Discord." she said. He turned to face her, but stared at her bed post. A smile dawned on Celestia's face; He reminded her of a child who wanted to impress someone he looked up too very much, but who lacked the ability to do anything special. She felt a long-dormant emotion deep inside, and realized that nopony had even tried to do something sweet for her in a very, very long time. Whenever she received a gift, it was never out of the goodness of somepony's heart - there was always an ulterior motive or expectation of political gain.
Granted, she thought. What I am considering to be sweet is Discord giving me a cupcake that was actually baked by Fluttershy, that he had simply added minty chips to. Not to mention I asked for said cupcake. Still, she supposed he deserved something for his kindness.
"Discord...come here please." Discord obliged her, hesitantly moving closer to the Princess on her bed.
She grabbed his head with both hooves and pulled him in for a very full kiss.
After several seconds, she pushed him away. He had the most surprised look she had ever seen on a face since....before she could remember.
She smiled, and abruptly her Public Princess persona kicked in.
"Thank you for your assistance Discord, your services are no longer required - You may now take your leave." And with that she teleported him to somewhere outside Fluttershy's cottage. He wasn't able to get a single word in, he had been too surprised.
Princess Celestia returned to her pillow and simply lay there for a minute, staring at the open doors of her chamber's balcony. She sighed, a gentle but weary sound that was heavy with lifetimes of experience. She wondered what Discord's face would look like the next time they met; the thought made her grin as she snuggled under the covers
She was so tired - there was a good amount of sleep to catch up on.
After all, the sun was not going to raise itself.
Discord sat outside Fluttershy's cottage, looking up at Luna's moon - it had been half an hour, but he kept still, silent and thinking.
Then, out of nowhere, he chuckled with content.
His elaborate months-long scheme had worked.
He got what he wanted.
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