Broccoli and Chocolate are not a Good Combo
“Four cups of chopped broccoli…” Pinkie Pie slapped a cup of the green, death-flavored vegetable into the pie tin. “...Add the two cups of cauliflower and asparagus…” Pinkie added them to the pie tin as well. “One cup of chocolate chips, ‘cause who doesn’t like chocolate?” Pinkie said, as she poured the chips into the mix. “...Then add the most important ingredient… apples!” Pinkie added sliced apples on top, in an attempt to balance out the other flavors. “Now I just have to bake it for twenty minutes, and the pie will be ready!” Pinkie hummed to herself. “This is going to be the best pie ever!”
~~~~~
Pinkie Pie exploded out of the oven. “GYAHH!” Applejack’s eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as she backed up. Slipping on an errant bit of peeled apple skin, she fell to her flank. Pinkie Pie smiled as she looked around the Apple family kitchen.
Piles of apples sat on the counter, several of them peeled. Sacks of flour, salt, and sugar lay stacked on the floor of the open pantry below the shelves of cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, and other spices. The stove was lit, casting the room in light and warmth. A large pot sat on the stove, the lid bubbling and spitting the occasional spurt of steam. The sink groaned under the weight of the dirty dishes stacked within. Apple Bloom sat on a high stool in between a pile of fresh apples, and another pile of apples without skins. The potato peeler held in her teeth fell when she saw Pinkie. “Hey Pinkie, party’s tomorrow! Think you’ll be ready?”
Applejack shot a sideways glance at Apple Bloom and snapped, “It’s a family reunion, not a dang party! Don’t fergit this here is Pinkie’s first Apple family git-ta-gether, so lets make a good impression.” Applejack stood, brushed herself off, and turned to Pinkie. “Ya got the pie ready like Ah asked?”
“Yeperooni! You’re gonna love it, it’s my very own super-duper-special-Pinkie-Apple-pie!” Pinkie reached behind herself and produced said pie. It looked crisp and brown, and smelled freshly baked. “Try-it-try-it-try-it!” she begged.
Applejack nodded and said, “Alright-alright, ya don’t have ta stuff it down mah throat.” She sliced off an eighth of the pie and set it on a plate. She brushed a smudge of flour off of her face with a foreleg, revealing her freckles, and unclogging her nose. She sniffed the slice of pie and mumbled, “This smells kinda funny.” She shrugged, closed her eyes, smiled, and bit into it.
“Pinkie, you gotta tell me how ya do that,” Apple Bloom requested in awe.
GAK!
Applejack put both forehooves over her mouth and leaned over the sink. Her stomach rumbled, her face turned lime green, tears leaked out of her eyes, and her tail vibrated. She swallowed the lump of pie in her mouth and beat her hooves against the counter. Applejack gasped, as if she were giving birth, and pounded a hoof against her chest a few times. She let out a pained breath, coughed, and gasped again. She turned back to Pinkie on wobbly legs and shouted, “THAT TASTED LIKE HORSESH—?” Applejack blinked. Pinkie was nowhere to be found.
“She left,” Apple Bloom offered. “She kinda like… sucked herself into the oven and closed the door behind her. I looked through the glass; she’s gone! Isn’t our fourth cousin twice removed amazing?” Apple Bloom asked with awe in her voice. “She looked kinda mad and said something about a Pinkie promise before she left. So, how does the pie taste again? Like what?”
Applejack cleared her throat. “Don’tcha worry none ‘bout what it tastes like. ‘Taint gonna be served to nopony. Git rid o’ that… thing,” Applejack commanded, pointing at the pie.
“Oh, okay,” Apple Bloom replied. She easily balanced the pie on her head and trotted outside, only opening the bottom half of the ‘stable’ door. “Winona!” she called.
Applejack rubbed her temples and muttered, “What am Ah gonna do ‘bout Pinkie? Ah gotta tell ‘er that pie tastes like what comes out the back end of a pony. The reunion is tamarra. Ah can’t let her feed that pie to—”
“Winona… c’mere girl.”
“Apple Bloom! DON’T FEED THAT TO WINONA!” Applejack darted outside— too late. Winona had devoured the entire pie in one bite, as dogs are wont to do when given sugary things. Applejack wrestled the remains of the pie away from Winona and watched in horror as her eyes rolled up into her head, her tail vibrated, and then she toppled over onto her side. Applejack rushed to her precious pet to find her foaming at the mouth and twitching. “Winona! Speak to me, girl!” Applejack pleaded, tears forming in her eyes. “Apple Bloom, go get Fluttershy! Gallop girl, GO!” Apple Bloom nodded and shot down the road like a cannonball with hooves.
~~~~~
“Oh my…” Fluttershy sighed, as she moved the stethoscope around Winona’s belly. “It looks like she’s eaten chocolate. What did you feed her?” she asked.
Applejack looked over the living room coffee table at Fluttershy. The short table had been roughly cleared to make room for the ailing Winona, leaving scattered magazines, unused candles, and a stack of junk mail on the floor. A short distance away, Apple Bloom fidgeted back and forth, like an expectant sire. Applejack unconsciously wrapped her hooves over her own belly and replied, “We, uh, accidentally fed her one o’ Pinkie’s pies. Ah know it tasted bad, but it weren’t poison!”
Fluttershy blushed and continued to prod Winona. “I think I helped Pinkie with that pie this morning. She was so excited about the reunion, and so proud of her new pie recipe. I told her I didn’t think chocolate chips would work in an apple pie, but she didn’t take my advice…” Fluttershy gently rubbed Winona with a forehoof, while her wing reached into her medical bag.
“What?! This here is yer fault?! What were you thinkin’? Puttin’ chocolate in an apple pie! That’s jus’… criminal!” Applejack almost shouted. She felt fire in her belly, while her blood boiled.
Fluttershy slipped a bottle labeled ‘hydrogen peroxide’ out of her saddlebag. “I’m sorry, Applejack. I didn’t think Winona would end up eating it. Pinkie looked so happy when she finished that pie, she couldn’t wait to see your face when you tasted it.”
“How could you do that?!” Applejack growled. “How could Pinkie… defile an apple pie like that?!” She could feel heat rushing through her body.
“I don’t think she meant to offend you, Applejack. She just wanted to be part of your family.” Fluttershy turned her head to Apple Bloom and asked, “Do you have any vanilla ice cream?”
Apple Bloom responded, “Uh, Ah think there’s some in the—”
“What in tarnation are you doin’?!” Applejack shouted. “Winona is sick, just give ‘er the medicine!”
Fluttershy sighed, “Okay, Applejack. I’m just trying to help.” She filled a syringe with a small quantity of liquid from the bottle.
“What is the matter with everypony taday?! ‘Cause o’ you an’ Pinkie, Winona might die!” Applejack wailed. She grit her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut, a hot tear leaking out of each. “When Ah find Pinkie, Ah’m gonna tell ‘er what Ah think o’ her pie, and her dumb ideas!”
Fluttershy gasped, “Oh, don’t yell at her. She didn’t mean for Winona to get sick.” She put the syringe in Winona’s mouth and pushed down on the plunger. Winona coughed, spat out the liquid, and whimpered.
Apple Bloom trotted into the room, carrying a tub of vanilla ice cream and a metal spoon. “Is this good ‘nough?”
“And YOU! What were you thinkin’, feedin’ that manure—” Applejack’s words made Fluttershy gasp, “—to Winona! You got that bow too tight or somethin’?” Applejack could feel something like fire race through her. Apple Bloom sniffed once— twice— then broke out crying. She galloped upstairs, trailing tears behind her.
“Applejack! She’s just a filly, you can’t say that to her,” Fluttershy whispered. She popped the top off of the ice cream tub and used the spoon to dig out a generous shaving.
“Ah’m tellin’ the truth, an’ nothin’ but the truth! Ya’ll just don’t wanna hear it! Where’s Pinkie? Ah’m gonna tell it to ‘er straight! Her pie tastes like what comes outta mah back end!” The edges around Applejack’s vision tinted red. She felt her heart race, and her blood turn to hot plasma.
Fluttershy injected some of the liquid into the spoonful of ice cream. “I don’t think you should do that, Applejack. Being cruel is never the answer. You should tell her how much you want her to be part of your family, and the good parts of her pie.”
“There ain’t no good parts! Not one! The whole thing is… is a cow pie!” Applejack finished. Her stomach roiled, she breathed in deeply, and sobbed, “K-kin ya save mah dog?”
Fluttershy put the spoon near Winona’s nose. The dog licked the ice cream up so fast that Fluttershy had a feeling she was acting a little sicker to get attention. Fluttershy giggled, then said, “I think Winona will be alright. Will you be alright with Pinkie? Will she be alright with you?”
“She’d better be! She’s got no right ta butt inta our family, an’ if she can’t handle a little truth… well, then Ah don’t want ‘er!” Applejack finished with a nod, but a cold knot formed in her chest.
Fluttershy blinked away tears. “Think about how Pinkie feels, or how she will feel if you tell her that. She won’t be happy. You’ll owe her an apology.”
“Ah ain't gonna say Ah’m sorry fer tellin’ the truth! We got too many ponies runnin’ around lyin’ as it is. You tellin’ me ta lie?” Applejack’s eyes shot to Fluttershy and bored into her with the intensity of a supernova.
“W-well…” Fluttershy’s gaze darted away, while sweat beaded on her coat. “I… I don’t think telling her that something she’s proud of tastes like manure is going to improve anything.” Fluttershy spoke softly as she rubbed Winona’s belly.
“If’n she can’t get it together, if she jus’ falls apart cause o’ some words… Ah don’t know if Ah wanna be friends with a pony like that.” Applejack suddenly felt… off. She took off her cowpony hat and fidgeted with it for a moment before she put it back on.
“Applejack… Do you really think a pony is weak because they can’t take criticism?” Fluttershy asked.
“W-well, it’s the truth, ain't it?” Applejack stuttered for only a split-second before she recovered.
“Yes, it is, but do you really need to say it that way?” Fluttershy asked, as she pet Winona gently. “I think you could say it in a different way, a way that includes kindness. Sometimes, bitter medicine goes down easier if you hide it in something sweet.”
Applejack just stared at her for a moment in silence. “What’re ya sayin’? Like, Ah should sugarcoat the truth?” Applejack’s heart rate jumped again, and her blood superheated. She narrowed her eyes at Fluttershy and crossed her forelegs, waiting.
“I don’t think that’s quite what I mean,” Fluttershy squeaked. “I’m not saying you should lie to Pinkie, and I’m not saying you should sugarcoat the truth to the point that it isn’t really the truth anymore. I’m saying…” Fluttershy put a hoof to her lower lip, and her eyes looked to her right, into the distance.
“Just admit it! You want me to lie to Pinkie to spare her feelings! No can do, it just ain’t right. Ah’m just gonna march right on over ta Sugarcube Corner an’ tell ‘er off, right now!” Applejack stood and took a step towards the front door, but something held her back. Nothing physical prevented her from blowing the door of its hinges and galloping down the road, but she felt rooted to the spot.
“Do you want Pinkie as a friend, Applejack?” Fluttershy asked quietly. Applejack spun around to face her, a frown on her face.
“Ah…” Applejack’s brain locked up, torn between honesty and… something else. Her eyes and ears fell, while all of the strength seemed to drain out of her. She swallowed a lump in her throat, and croaked, “Ah don’t wanna lose a friend.”
Fluttershy patted the open seat next to her on the couch. Applejack took it. “I know you’re angry, but you should always be kind.” She patted Winona again, who whimpered, wagged her tail, and put her head in Applejack’s lap. “I’m not saying you should lie to Pinkie, but can’t you do it with kindness in your heart? Can’t you say it in a way that helps her bake pies instead of tearing her down?”
Applejack quivered, and ran a shaking hoof over Winona. “Ah’m just so angry that Winona’s sick. What should Ah tell Pinkie?” Applejack asked. She hugged Winona, trying to keep her eyes on Fluttershy. Applejack felt cold, like her heart froze and her blood had turned into rime.
“If you have to tell her something bad, why don’t you say something good, before and afterwards? When I said to hide the truth, maybe that isn’t quite right. What I mean is to coat it with sugar. Not hide it, maybe just sandwich it between good things. If you put bitter medicine into something sweet, the patient will eat it without fighting back. I’ve forced nasty medicine on some little animals before. I felt terrible, and they didn’t like me afterwards, even if I saved their lives. This isn’t life or death, is it?” Fluttershy asked.
Applejack’s eyes grew wide, because she’d never heard Fluttershy say so much before. “N-no, this is just… pie.”
Fluttershy smiled and nodded. “Right, your friendship is worth more than pie. I can’t tell you exactly what to say, but if you sandwich the truth in between compliments it’ll ‘taste’ better, and Pinkie will probably listen to it.”
HORK!
Applejack’s left ear and right eye twitched. Her nose flared, then collapsed closed. One corner of her mouth retreated up her face. “G-GROSS! Winona!”
Winona had vomited onto Applejack’s lap. At the mention of her name, Winona whimpered again and wagged her tail. Fluttershy stood, holding Winona in the crook of one foreleg. “There we are! Don’t you feel better, Winona? I’ll bet you’re thirsty.” Fluttershy walked to the front door, opened it, and walked out. Glancing over her shoulder, she asked, “Are you coming, Applejack? I think you should wash that off, and Winona needs water. She’ll be fine in a few hours.”
Applejack stood gingerly, trying to keep the mess on her lap from getting on the floor. Once she reached the threshold of the door, she broke into a gallop after Fluttershy, heading for the well.
~~~~~
“Ahem…” Applejack stood at the counter in Sugarcube Corner. Nopony appeared behind the counter, which meant if Applejack rang the little bell, Pinkie would burst out from behind the counter and surprise her. She smiled, rang the bell, and leaned forward a bit with a smug grin, ready for Pinkie.
“HIYA!” Pinkie shrieked from behind, causing Applejack to jolt forward and tumble over the counter. She landed with a thud, her limbs askew; the register pinged.
Apple Bloom snickered, “Can Ah git mah ice cream now? Ya Pinkie-promised, AJ!”
“What kinda ice cream are you getting, Apple Bloom?” Pinkie asked, leaning much too close, looming over Apple Bloom like a hungry manticore.
Apple Bloom’s smile could not be quenched by Pinkie, not now. “This here is ‘Ah’m sorry’ ice cream, which Ah reckon means double fudge with whipped cream an’ a cherry on top. Three scoops! AJ’s payin’ fer it.”
Applejack struggled to her hooves in time to see Pinkie giving Apple Bloom one of the largest double-fudge ice creams she’d ever seen. It looked to be the size of Apple Bloom’s head. Pinkie turned to Applejack and said, “That’ll be six bits, please.” She held out a hoof with a pleased smile plastered on her face, and her tongue hanging out of the left side of her mouth.
Applejack blushed for a moment before she fumbled six bits out and gave them to Pinkie. “Uh, Pinkie, kin Ah talk to ya?”
“Sure!” Pinkie replied. She led Applejack and Apple Bloom to an empty booth and sat across from them.
Applejack glanced at Apple Bloom, watching her devour her ice cream. She was about to ask if she could speak to Pinkie alone when a thought occurred to her. Now, why would Ah not want Apple Bloom here? Ah’m not gonna say nothin’ Ah’ll regret. Yeah… Apple Bloom sittin’ here fer a spell might just keep me in check. Applejack cleared her throat. “Ah… need ta tell ya somethin’, Pinkie.” Applejack started. Pinkie smiled wide, although Applejack thought, Them lights‘re on, ‘cept nopony’s home. Applejack cleared her throat once more and said, “Ah’m sure ya tried real hard on yer, uh, new pie recipe.”
“Yeperooni,” Pinkie replied, her smile growing wider.
Applejack found her groove. “And Ah’m real proud ya tried so hard. It’s a credit ta the Apple name ta have another hard worker in the family.” Pinkie nodded, her smile getting ridiculously large. “The thing is… we have this traditional apple family recipe, and Ah’d like ya ta follow it.”
Pinkie’s smile vanished. “You mean, you didn’t like my pie?” Her eyes glistened with tears.
Here we go, Applejack thought. “Ah’m ‘fraid not, Pinkie. Ah’d much prefer mah secret family recipe.” Applejack didn’t mince words, but she said them with as much kindness in her heart as she could muster.
“B-but… how will I learn the secret family recipe in one night?”
Applejack chuckled and thought, Fergot about yer own pie already, huh? “Ya see, the secret ingredient is hard work, an’ Ah think yer just the pony fer th’ job. The rest o’ the ingredients are just normal stuff ya probably got lyin’ ‘round these parts. Oh, ‘cept Apple family apples. ‘Course, Ah got those in mah saddle bag. Ah’d be honored if’n you’d try again an’ make an Apple family pie. Do ya think—!” Applejack couldn’t speak, because Pinkie had reached across and hugged her, burying the edge of the table into Applejack’s gut.
“Of course I’ll make your super-secret family recipe! And I’ll make it just as good as Granny Smith! No— better! And I’ll never reveal the recipe to anypony, I Pinkie Pie promise!” Applejack sucked in air with relief as Pinkie released her to go through the promise motions.
By the time Pinkie poked herself in the eye, Applejack had straightened up and dusted herself off. She glanced at Apple Bloom, who started in on her third and final scoop of ice cream. “Ah’m sure glad ta hear that. Here’s the recipe, and a half-dozen fresh-bucked apples.” Applejack hoofed over the items.
Apple Bloom belched as she tossed her spoon into the empty ice cream bowl. She put a hoof over her smiling mouth and said, “‘scuse me.” She yawned wide, a smudge of chocolate ice cream on the corner of her mouth.
Applejack’s ear twitched at the sound of the burp, but she said nothing about it. “Pardon us, Ah gotta git Apple Bloom ta bed. Big day tamarra. How ‘bout you come by early in the morning so Ah kin git a taste of the best pie ever?”
“Don’t you worry, it will be!” Pinkie chirped.
Applejack breathed a sigh of relief. “Ah know, Ah trust ya.”
