My Little Pony: Versus Equestria

by PseudoFiction

Rating: teen
Tags: Trixie, Adventure, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 113050

Follow the adventures of an unlikely band of heroes across Equestria

One minute he's sitting in his bedroom playing on his Xbox. The next thing he knows he's face down, eating Equestria dirt...

Meet Rabbit, aptly named because this human was dragged into Equestria when Trixie's 'rabbit-in-the-hat' trick went horribly... awry. I'm going to use the word 'awry.' Very much stuck in a land of namby-pamby ponies and harmonious friendship, Rabbit teams up with The Great and Powerful Trixie in an attempt to survive whatever Equestria can throw at him.

Rated Teen for harsh language and some suggestive themes.
All cover-art can be found here

Published 2012-04-26 20:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-07 20:12:29 UTC

Interval 1.2: Stupid Laid Plans

My Little Pony:

Versus Equestria

[The Road to Canterlot]

Interval 1.2: Stupid Laid Plans

So it started with a slug.

A small, slimy little black thing, sleuthing over the ground and leaving an icky little trail in its wake. The fat rain drops splattered the Everfree dirt leaving patches as dark as the slug on the earth, but not one splatter of water hitting the creature. There was not a worry in its mind. Not a doubt.

The world bent to its will. The slug drifted on, crawling along without any troubles, without hindrance. The road was so wide, and stretched on forever, just for the slug. This path was moist and suited it perfectly, as if it had been built among the forest trees just for the little slug to travel along.

This was a powerful thought – so powerful in fact, our slimy little friend managed to hang on to the notion that everything was fine and it was meant to be in this world, right up to the point where a wooden wheel rolled over it, squishing the slug and instantly ending its short yet profound existence.

If we actually knew how the slug was able to hang on to this powerful thought up until the bitter end, we’d know much more about the mysterious machinations of our chaotic universe, and would be the better for it. After all, if we all thought like the slug did, we’d spend less time fearing the future and enjoy the now much-much more.

Oblivious to these universe shattering thoughts and philosophies, Trixie and Rabbit made their way through the Everfree forest, a region of natural forestation that curved around Ponyville and led right up to the Canterlot foothills.

Rabbit was drowning in rainwater. The monsoon had hit them out of nowhere, pegasi somewhere above the angry clouds obscuring the sky, bucking away at the grey coverings and unleashing a rainstorm that would make the Scottish shit a brick. As such he had donned his coat, a bright orange rain-jacket of what was supposed to be a waterproof material. Though it did little to keep him dry, and he was soaked to the point he no longer cared for the water seeping through his hat and clothes.

The wide brim of Trixie’s hat, sodden, fell over lazily and every so often the pony would lift a hoof to push it out of her eyes. Her usually bouncy mane was flat and bedraggled as her fur, and her cloak clung to her body as if it were stuck to her coat with pritt-stick.

Neither of them were down in the gutter though. They were cold. They were wet. But they were smiling and humming, finishing up a rendition of ‘Equestria Girls,’ and about to start their next travelling song. They didn’t need the light or the warmth of the sun to travel. They just needed each other.

Using their footsteps as something of a beat, Rabbit’s cheeks puffed up and he suddenly used his fist as a makeshift microphone. His free fist started batting against his chest in a rhythm as he started huffing out some vocal beats. It wasn’t something a high profile rapper would be proud to rap along with, but it was basically there, a solid enough beat to sing along to.

He stopped to sing:

“I've got the ma-gic in me.
“Every time I touch that track it turns into gold.
“Every-body knows I've got the ma-gic in me.
“When I hit the floor the girls come, snap-pin' at me,
“Now everybody wants some presto magic, magic ,magic,
“Magic, magic, magic,
“Magic, magic, magic, awooooooh,
“I got the magic in me!”

As he slipped back into ‘beatbox-mode,’ Trixie couldn’t help giggle at the sight and sound of the ridiculous human, but she didn’t miss her queue. Losing herself in Rabbit’s beats, she nodded her head and slipped right into the next part of the song.

She rapped: “These tricks that I'll attempt will blow your mind.
"Pick a verse – any verse, I'll hypnotise with every line.”

Puffing up her cheeks, Trixie took over on the beats. Rabbit was next on vocals, and oblivious to the broken pitch that would have had him booed off the stage at any talent show, he took over: “I'll need a volunteer, how about you girl, with the eyes?
“Come on down to the front and stand right here and don't be shy.”

Trixie slipped back into the limelight with Rabbit backing her up for: “I'll have you time-travellin', have your mind go babblin',
“Ponies tryna in-her-it the skill – so they askin' me,
“Even Twilight Sparkle had to go and take some classes,
“I see Princess ‘Tia like, ‘What's up girl, what's happenin’?”

“Come one – come all, and see the show tonight,”Rabbit cried loudly, his voice clearly breaking.
“Prepare to be astounded, no Ghost or Poltergeist!
“You know I'm no Pinocchio, I never told a lie,
“So call me Mister Magic Man, I float on Cloud Nine!”

Without so much as a pause, both of them ditched on beats and sang the chorus with choreographed synchronicity: “I've got the ma-gic in me.
“Every time I touch that track it turns into gold.
“Every-body knows I've got the ma-gic in me.
“When I hit the floor the girls come, snap-pin' at me,
“Now everybody wants some presto ma-gic, ma-gic ,ma-gic,
“Ma-gic, ma-gic, ma-gic,
“Ma-gic, ma-gic, ma-gic, awooooooh,
“I got the magic in me!”

Rabbit and Trixie burst out laughing. Neither of them had thought or talked about the awkwardness of their smooch last night. It was forgotten in the past. Neither of them were even worried about what the future held in store for them. They were living in the present. The most important moment Father Time could grant mortals.

“You know the way you bust rhymes is pretty sexy.” Rabbit joked, pointing out Trixie’s smile. “If you stood on two legs... mmm-mmm-mmm.” Rabbit hummed like he was taste-testing high-class cuisine.

Embarrassed, Trixie looked away, still giggling. There walked a showmare, a professional in the line of ditching her self-esteem for the entertainment of others. And she was blushing after just a verse of botched up B.O.B.

“I hate you.” Trixie joked.

“I know. I have that effect on people.” Rabbit stretched proudly before flashing her a sideways smile. “Y’know, there was this one time I met a gir-...”

Now let me cut off the story right here, because it is about here that Rabbit though he was dead. I’m going to try to put in a sound effect that best describes the sound that tore into the human’s eardrums...

BOOM!!!

And somehow I can’t quite get it justified utilising onomatopoeia. The sound of an explosion is something beyond what you can describe in just a few words, mainly because the sheer noise can’t quite be registered by your brain. It starts out as a bit of a pop, followed by a rushing, deafening noise. And it does exactly what said adjective suggests. Beyond the pop and the rushing noise your ears have already split open. All the hairs in the ear-canals flatten down and all that’s left is splitting pain in a section within your head that you cannot reach to soothe with a comforting rub. The only noise you can register at that point is the bells. Were you not already deaf you might describe it as a deafening ringing within the core of your brain.

Such was the experience Rabbit was having as an invisible rope tugged at his torso. He could feel the wind rush against his back, throwing him clean off the ground as he screamed in pain. He was swiped sideways, but he couldn’t be entirely sure since the world was a blur of motion all around him. Up-down, didn’t matter. All he knew was that his limbs were flailing around for something to catch on to as he flew through a void of pain and disorientation. It was enough to make him feel sick, and he could already taste his breakfast coming back.

The earth itself punched him in the back. It felt like God was giving him a spinal tap before Rabbit realised he was laying flat on his backpack, eyes fluttering as he stared at the incoming rain splashing his face. His bush-hat hung from the chord under his chin, fallen from his head in his tumble.

Gritting his teeth the human managed to roll onto his front. The ringing in his ears was subsiding. The first thing he did was check was for blood. After a quick pat down Rabbit found he wasn’t injured. Nothing broken other than his grasp on reality. Already a million scenarios were running through his brains.

The Al-Queida were in Equestria!

It was all out WAR!

AMBUSH!

Nothing seemed to be happening though as Rabbit stuffed his fingers in his ears and gave them a vigorous rub before checking his hands. No blood. That was a start. At least he hadn’t ripped an ear-drum.

He still felt sick though. The pain was enough to spin his head. Fucking hell, he thought to himself. How do the guys in video games just shrug this shit off? Many a close encounter with hand grenades in Call of Duty and Battlefield bobbed to the surface of Rabbit’s memories.

By the time Rabbit had managed to push himself to his feet and reach back to perch his bush-hat back over his head, the human could hear the fain patter of the monsoon rain striking his attire. That was when he saw it.

Debris. Where it had come from or what it used to be seemed to matter little to nothing. It was simply there, scattered over the road where Trixie and Rabbit had been walking. It lay broken all over the dark Everfree earth surrounded by mud and gatherings of water caught in pot-holes. Wood, broken and splintered. Canvas, torn and soaked with filth. Some shards of broken glass crackled under Rabbit’s soles as he drunkenly stumbled closer.

And then he heard her moan.

“Trix!” the human cried at the top of his lungs as he saw a length of wood move. “Trixie, can you hear me!?”

The panel was large and roundish, the edges ragged and splintered. Rabbit tore it away to find the dazed pony laying underneath, still tethered to the tow-bars of her wagon. Trembling with shock as Rabbit removed the debris weighing her down, Trixie’s hat flopped into the sodden dirt to reveal a dazed look in the mare’s eyes. The human checked her over to find the pony was – miraculously –uninjured.

“Wh-wha-...?” she couldn’t even stutter out even a simple phrase like “What the buck was that?”

Rabbit couldn’t blame her. Reaching back the human pulled loose his climbing axe and held it by the shaft, close to the hooked pick. The inner edge of the curved pick was home to serrated studs designed to dig into rock, earth or ice. But the outer edge was home to a makeshift blade, intended to aid in cutting into rock walls, or in an emergency act as something of a makeshift knife.

Rabbit quickly sawed through the tethers holding Trixie down so she was able to shuffle out of the debris. It was only when Rabbit tucked the climbing axe away again that he took a second look over the debris and realised where it had come from.

Trixie was lucky to be alive. That explosion had come from her wagon.

Her home. Her place of warmth and solace. The only thing she had called home her entire life... it was gone. Rubble, laying splintered and broken in a muddy puddle strategically gathered along the centre of the road.

“Trix.”

“Yeah?”

“I think your house just exploded.” With a normal, reasonable tone in his voice, Rabbit said it as if a wagon spontaneously exploding was a perfectly normal thing to happen.

“I know.” Trixie said with a flummoxed sigh.

Their shock didn’t quite end there though. The debris suddenly shifted and a familiar bag of coin levitated into the air, surrounded by a wavering aura of shadow. The fat cotton bag filled and bulging with over a thousand bits tied by a length of crimson chord chimed loudly as it shook lightly. Rabbit instinctively looked to his side to see if Trixie was levitating their combined savings.

She was not.

That was when the darkness gathered. The grim shadows seemed to creep in from every corner, under every leaf, out from every cluster of root, melting from the debris and gathering in an orb beside the bag of coin.

Then with a whoosh of air and a distinct ‘crack’ that once more threatened to split Rabbit’s ears, there stood a pony.

Actually, more of a horse than a regular Equestria pony. This one was taller than any pony Rabbit had seen before, at least an inch or so taller than the human, not counting the long pointed horn protruding from the head. With a slender build, long legs and a billowing tail and mane that looked like they were made of the night sky, the mare before them was an amalgamation of all three kinds of pony. The tough build of an earth-pony, the grand feathered wings of a Pegasus and the mysterious alicorn on her forehead, the source of her magical power. The very power that seemed to embrace Trixie and Rabbit’s combined savings.

She had a coat that was midnight black and emerald eyes, her pupils vertical slits like that of a cat, or perhaps a dragon. Just above her brow of deep purple she seemed to be wearing an azure helm to go with her iron-clad hooves and the ornate looking chest-piece wrapped around her slender collar, centred by a pale gem that shone like the moon. On either flank were patches of purple, framing her cutie-mark, the mark that set all ponies apart. The mark that would tell any exactly what the individual pony’s calling in life was.

This winged unicorn had the mark of a crescent moon on her flank, which could mean only one thing.

“Nightmare Moon!” Trixie gasped, taking a step back in fear. The showmare’s pupils seemed to contract severely as she sank into a quivering heap.

Rabbit on the other hand stood his ground, tugging loose his climbing-axe once more, intending to use it as a makeshift weapon if the need arose. Holding it by his side though, Rabbit didn’t realise his internal instincts were moving his feet, and he shuffled subtly away from mare who had appeared holding their savings hostage before them.

“Yeeeessss,” came her hiss. “This will do nicely.” A wide crocodile grin spread across Nightmare Moon’s face at the sight of the cowering Trixie. “Tut-tut.” She said in a loud voice that sounded like it belonged to some kind of Saturday morning cartoon villain. “It’s not nice to take things from other ponies.” her gaze suddenly shifted to look at the climbing-axe wielding human standing beside the unicorn. The mare’s eyes visibly widened. “A human?” she sounded surprised, however her voice suddenly went low along with her eyelids, filled with an interested purr. “Interesting.”

“Listen lady... pony...” Rabbit shook his head for a moment to try and ditch the shaky tone in his voice. “Look, just drop the coins, okay? We’re not looking for trouble.”

“Good, good.” Nightmare Moon giggled with mock pride in the human. “Because I am! Mwua-hahahahahaha!” she broke out into a maniacal cackle before dissolving before their eyes.

The bag of coin that had taken two months of risky action to procure was dragged in tow, as the living glob of shadow that was once Nightmare Moon’s pony-form snaked away past Rabbit. She darted off towards the forests as Rabbit cried out.

“No you don’t!” he yelled, diving at the bag of bits.

The bag was whipped out of range as the human lashed out with his axe in mid-flight. The pick-end slashed straight through Nightmare Moon’s shadow-form, but the globule of energy just dissipated and reformed out of reach, allowing her to dart away even quicker.

The human flopped face down into a puddle, confused, angry and a few thousand bits poorer.

“Son of a gun!” Rabbit snapped he jumped to his feet.

Trixie had recovered, standing somewhere by the angered human’s back. “Rabbit, we have to leave!” she cried with desperation in her voice. “Nightmare Moon is pure evil! Forget the bits, we’re lucky to be alive!”

Rabbit just stood there, left fist clutched, right fist white knuckled around his climbing-axe.

“Rabbit?” Trixie asked a little more delicately.

The human suddenly turned and pointed to the rubble that used to be Trixie’s wagon. “Stay here and salvage what you can.” He suddenly said.

Trixie frowned before whipping the sticky and muddy fringe of her mane out of her face. “While you go and do what?”

The human smirked. “I’m gonna get our money back.”

“Uh-huh? And how exactly are you going to do that when the thief is the Mistress of the Night!?”

Rabbit merely shrugged as he started moving in the direction Nightmare Moon had escaped. “I was thinking some gratuitous violence.” – He held up his climbing-axe – “Y’know... improvise!”

“You’re going to pick a fight with Nightmare Moon?” Trixie galloped up behind him and stomped audibly in a puddle to emphasise her dismay at that idea. “That’s crazy-talk!”

“You got a better idea?” Rabbit rounded on the pony almost angrily. The brim of his bush-hat shook just above his glare with every fat rain drop that smacked into it. “Restart back at Stalliongrad? Re-do everything we’ve done the past two months? Hell no! I’m getting you to Canterlot and you’re getting that inn you were talking about! I’m not letting some nag of the night fuck with us like this!”

Trixie burst out with an explosive sigh, her eyes rolling slowly. “Rabbit, please. I don’t need-...”

Rabbit was already gone, fighting through the undergrowth, and soon the forest had swallowed him whole like a hungry manticore. He was completely out of sight, the heavy patter of rain cutting out the rustling noises he made as he moved somewhere beyond the thick foliage. Trixie’s gaze hung sadly.

“Sweet Celestia...” she prayed in a whisper to herself. “Please bring him back to me...”

Heavy hearted Trixie turned away and started picking through the wreckage of what used to be her home. What used to be her place of warmth and solace.

Without Rabbit it was just rubble...

***[]***

His trainers striking the sodden path was heard loudly in the air as the rain had finally subsided. Rabbit was running full tilt over a clearing towards the pair of stubby standing stones directly ahead of him. Once he had broken the treeline, it took him about twelve seconds to drop to one knee and slide into the shadow of one of the standing stones lining the small winding path leading to the ruins.

About fifteen metres ahead of him, Rabbit saw the ground drop away into a sheer chasm. Standing in that chasm, atop a perfectly flat topped stack about a hundred metres in diameter were a set of old, crumbling castle ruins. They were for the most part, intact, the outer walls still standing, along with the heavy wooden doors along the front. Near the back of the ruins Rabbit could make out a tall, crooked tower topped by some broken battlements, and there seemed to be some partially collapsed chambers along the flank.

Leading over the chasm to the stack where the ruins were situated was a rickety looking bridge, made of rope and mouldy looking boards of wood. In all, a very un-hospitable sight. But that was where Rabbit had to go.

Most of the windows were dark, but others were lit up, golden light spilling and flickering from them with the activity within. Rabbit could hear Nightmare Moon cackling maniacally within over the sound of hissing steel and thick, boiling fluids.

Rabbit scratched his head through his hat and moved forward. He paused momentarily to look at the bridge stretching over the gorge.

Gulping audibly, the human took a deep breath and gingerly moved on. One foot in front of the other, Rabbit pushed on, trying his best to ignore the queasy sway of the bridge.

His stomach churned by the time he reached the halfway point and he could taste his breakfast again.

“Ugh, I hate heights.” Rabbit complained, feeling the blood pound painfully through his finger-tips.

Swallowing down the urge to vomit, the teenager forced himself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Almost there... almost there...

It felt like an eternity by the time he was across the bridge, and when he did find himself on solid ground, Rabbit dropped onto all fours and kissed it, not a care for the taste of grit and mud on his lips. The ground was his best friend, and he was glad to embrace it once more.

Once he had recovered, Rabbit cleared the courtyard in a few long strides and threw his shoulder against the stone frame beside the grand front doors. The far door was close, with the door right beside Rabbit hanging wide open. Typically he’d have to lean around the crumbling masonry to peek inside, but Nightmare Moon’s mutterings and chants were louder now. He dared not look for fear of being spotted.

An idea sprang into his head. With one hand he fished into his pocket and the teenager quickly produced a mobile phone. Nothing fanciful like a smart-phone or any of that android crap. It was a simple Nokia C2, something easy to use that did exactly what a phone was supposed to do. Make phonecalls and send text messages. Not that Rabbit was making any phonecalls from Equestria mind you. There was no reception, however there seemed to be severe ionisation in the Equestria air, probably thanks to all that magic buzzing about the place, since the electronic device had been caught in a permanent trickle charging cycle. Rabbit was surprised the battery hadn’t burst by now.

So there was no service, no need to make any phonecalls, why had Rabbit hung on to the damn thing?

Well, it came with a cool little feature. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the camera-phone.

That’s right. A camera. In his phone... if that shit shocks you, what rock have you been living under?

Rabbit unlocked the keypad with a quick combination press of buttons and angled the device around the corner. He paused a moment to wait for focus, then clicked the ‘shutter’ button. There was a soft ‘ka-chick’ and Rabbit quickly pulled his hand back. By the time he looked down at the screen, the preview had vanished.

With a sigh, Rabbit closed down the phone-app, then opened the photo album. Soon he was flicking through the various pictures he had been taking in Equestria. There were snapshots of Trixie pulling her wagon with a smile. There were a few shots of Rabbit practicing his ‘grappling hook manoeuvre’ with his climbing-axe. There was even a picture of Trixie magically tending to a stab wound in Rabbit’s hand, thanks to said manoeuvre. The final picture was of Rabbit and Trixie sitting side by side on a hill, Canterlot visible in the background. Both of them were smiling, huddled next to each other with the warm summer sun glowing high above their heads.

Rabbit pressed the ‘next’ button and found himself looking at the inside of the castle. There were broken tiles on the floor. The ceiling was missing, and wooden support struts and sections of collapsed roofing lay shattered over the ground.

To the far end of the chamber there was some sort of smelting construction, massive burning furnaces pouring a golden liquid into vats and moulds. Steam hissed into the air as the moulds were run through vats of what looked like water and a glowing... something, came out the other end. Each mould was neatly laid in rows like man-sized dominoes on the far end of the chamber.

There were also racks of wood, home to glittering weapons. Swords and shields, all glowing like the summer sun.

They were made of gold!

“What...” Rabbit tucked away the phone and moved through the doorway with confusion. There didn’t seem to be any sign of Nightmare Moon as he entered the chamber and laid eyes upon the machinery and the weapons racks.

They were indeed, weapons made of what looked like solid gold. Or perhaps they were gold plated. Rabbit couldn’t tell, all he knew was that he had stepped into an armoury worth several billions of bits. And then he saw her.

Nightmare Moon was indeed there, just perched out of sight. She stood high atop a balcony by one of the vats, a spiralling staircase leading all the way up along the outer wall of the chamber to her nest. She was holding bags of coin over one of the smelting vats, throwing in dozens of golden coins at a time. She was smelting down Equestria’s wealth to forge weapons for an army. But where was the army to use said weapons.

Nightmare Moon seemed to be alone.

“What do you think, little human?” Nightmare Moon addressed him without lifting an eye to even look at him. “Impressed?”

Rabbit waved at the weapons, still confused. “What the hell, lady? You trying to break some kind of record for most expensive armoury in Equestria?” and then he took a double take on the swords and shields. They were commonly recognizable as ancient human weapons. Weapons with handles. Handles that needed to be handled by hands, not hooves. “And they’re not even pony-friendly weapons!”

Nightmare giggled a little frighteningly. “Exactly. That’s the beauty of it. Celestia’s guard won’t be able to use them proficiently against my own army of warriors.”

“All chiefs, no indians.” Rabbit commented. “You can make all the weapons you like, nopony is going to join your recruitment line.”

Nightmare Moon giggled again throwing an empty purse to one side. “That’s the second beauty of it. I don’t need to recruit. I just need to build.” she reared up and laughed loudly, lightning bolts striking in the distance to illuminate her wide, crazed eyes. It took Rabbit by surprise and he hopped back as if the lightning had struck at his feet. “I’ll build a dozen warriors out of solid gold today, I’ll have one million by next month. I will hit the banks, the cities and the treasuries all across Equestria to find the base resource that makes up my army and their weapons. With all of the gold in my possession, Equestria’s economy will collapse. Ponies will be thrown into the disarray of complete bankruptcy. And while the army is penniless and unable to fund any kind of proper defence, by golden army will sweep over the land and conquer all.”

Rabbit frowned. “That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard, and I’m not even sure ‘stupidest’ is a real word! Golden army?”

A big, evil grin spread across Nightmare Moon’s face. “Oh, yes. A golden army.”

And on queue, her army rose.

The moulds in the corner of the chamber cracked and broke open. The stone crumbled away into a fine grit to reveal the tarnished metal underneath that glowed like the sun. Golden bodies made of simple bone-shapes, joints held together by magical forces and invisible strings manipulating the puppets of pure death, the solid gold skeletons briskly moved to the weapon racks and retrieved swords and shields.

Rabbit stared wide eyed. It took him a moment to take it all in. Human skeletons, solid gold, empty eye sockets and clacking jaws.

“Humans are war personified. What form would better suit my foot-soldiers than the human form?” Nightmare Moon giggled somewhere above.

Rabbit wasn’t paying attention to her anymore as a dozen golden skeletons formed with weapons drawn before him.

“Okay, just because I just crapped myself, doesn’t mean that plan still isn’t stupid.” The human mumbled to himself.

It was at that point Rabbit realised running after Nightmare Moon to retrieve the stolen coins may have been a bad move. Still... shoulda-coulda-woulda. There was no point crying about it. Rabbit didn’t like to whine about the mystery of the future. The present was a much more fun moment to live in. And there was no point crying over past mistakes. The present was the only time he’d be able to fix them.

So Rabbit drew loose his climbing-axe, his only weapon, ready to correct his error.

Nightmare Moon laughed at the sight of the diminutive weapon compared to the longswords and sturdy shields of her own golden infantry. “You’re kidding, right?” she asked in a cheerfully evil tone of voice, before it turned flat and inquisitive. “You’re kidding.”

Rabbit was far from joking. He didn’t have a choice. He wasn’t backing down now. If he ran, he might not get to Canterlot – or any town for that matter – in time to warn anypony about this crazy mare’s plan for Equestria Domination. The only way out was through. It was up to him to put an end to this.

Still, he would have preferred if the weight of the world was on someone else’s shoulders. Rabbit gulped as the first 24-carat skeleton charged, the shield reeling back in preparation for a mighty bash.

Oh, balls.

The shield rose and swung straight for the face. Moving on pure instinct, Rabbit darted to one side. His head lowered as he felt the air of the shield-bash swoop past his face, the air of a sword cut mere inches above the top of his scalp.

Twisting around, Rabbit straightened up and hooked his climbing-axe in the crook of the skeleton’s elbow. Grabbing hold of the golden wrist of the hand that held the sword, Rabbit quickly swung his axe around again and embedded the pick into the shoulder. He gave a tug, but the weapon didn’t come free.

With an aggravated grunt, Rabbit kicked his heel against the skeleton’s ribs and wrenched the climbing-axe. And with a pop the entire arm came free in Rabbit’s hand. the golden skeleton fell face down, still moving, and when the human looked to the arm in his hand, he noticed the elbow joint and the wrist were still flexing, as if to manipulate the sword still held tightly in the fingers in such a way to decapitate the teenager.

Giving a shocked cry, Rabbit swung the sword around, still holding the dismembered arm by the wrist and the blade made contact with the fallen skeleton’s neck. The head was lopped clean off with a clash of gold on stone, and the skull rolled away out of sight.

Whew. That was lucky. The teenager thought to himself, surprised at how that had turned out.

He quickly tucked away his climbing-axe and pried the sword from the skeletal fingers before tossing the arm aside. Armed with a proper weapon now, Rabbit weighed the blade, then gave it a quick flourish in a simple figure-eight pattern. The sword was actually pretty light for something made out of solid gold. It was surprisingly durable too, considering gold was both a very soft and very heavy metal.

Focus, Rabbit. A small voice in the back of the human’s mind hissed impatiently. You’re in a magical land inhabited by talking ponies and god-only-knows what else in this world has a vocabulary that can put you to shame. It’s magic, it doesn’t need a rational explanation. Just be glad.

Unknown to even himself, Rabbit decided to apply standard ‘Human in Equestria’ philosophy to the situation – standard philosophy being ‘shut the hell up and go with it’ – and stood ready, sword gripped in his right hand, left clenched into a fist. The skeletons were clumsy and reasonably easy to beat. Rabbit actually stood a ch-...

“Mwa-hahahaha!” Nightmare Moon laughed heartily. “You really think my warriors can be defeated so easily?”

Hearing a scrape of metal on stone, Rabbit slowly lowered the blade and turned to see the decapitated skeleton climb to its feet. Shield held ready, the headless skeleton prepared to charge Rabbit again, lack of head and an arm not at all a hindrance for the creature.

Slouching tiredly and giving an aggravated moan, Rabbit rolled his eyes. “Urgh. Yeah, I was kinda hoping.”

The partially demolished skeleton charged in with a swing of the shield. Rabbit was ready though.

He sidestepped and swept low, running his blade through the hip-bone. With a light pop the entire leg came off and the warrior fell to the ground, where Rabbit reeled back and delivered a swift kick across the ribs.

The skeleton broke apart with relative ease, the fragile magic holding the puppet together easily enough interrupted.

As he straightened up, Rabbit saw the next skeleton swing for the torso. Teeth gritted and gripping his own weapon in both hands, Rabbit managed to block... just barely.

His whole body shook as the two weapons bounced off each other. Rabbit was forced to take a step back. As he did though, he whirled to one side to meet a shield. Another flanked the human and smashed its shield against his torso. Rabbit was quite literally thrown clear.

His arms and legs kicked for balance, shortly before he landed hard and in pain, flat on his back. With a grunt he slid to a halt and tried his best to push the pain to the back of his mind. To little avail.

A shadow was cast over him and Rabbit’s eyes flitted upward to see one of the skeletons preparing to run him through. Glancing down again, Rabbit tensed himself, then kicked his legs upward. Rolling backwards over one shoulder, the human managed to clumsily land on his feet before swinging his sword around, single handed, in a wide arc. The blade led out a pair of dull clangs as it cut clean through the ankle joints of the golden skeleton.

In an instant the creature fell, and weapon in both hands, Rabbit rose to one knee, wildly hacking at the thing. With each successive blow his war-cry grew louder and more rage filled... that was, of course, if you could consider a scream usually heard coming from the mouth of a seventeen year old girl being drenched by water in front of her prissy friends a legitimate war-cry.

As the second skeleton fell apart, Rabbit jumped up and swung his sword into the third... when he suddenly realised the shield between his blade and its mark.

Ever take a metal baseball-bat and swing it as hard as you can into the side of a solid object that would be quite impossible to move? Yeah, that was kind of what Rabbit had attempted to do.

The sword bounced off the shield, and with every limb stiffened and a painful wavelength resonating through his entire body, Rabbit sort of stuttered with his jaw grit on the spot. Despite his legs not moving, he managed to bounce out of the defending skeleton’s reach. The blade fell from his hands and landed with a pronounced metallic clatter before Rabbit was able to shake himself loose and recover.

And just in time too. He leaned backwards feeling the tip of a blade aimed for his head take a few hairs off his fringe. Swinging his arms like windmills so he wouldn’t lose balance and land on his ass, Rabbit caught himself in time to see the skeleton dead-set on decapitating him ready for another swing of the sword. The human twisted around and dove out of the way, hands reaching out towards the nearest glinting weapon he could find.

The blade swished venomously behind him, and if Rabbit had a tail he might have lost it.

He landed on one of the fallen shields, scooping up the item before he tucked into a ball and rolled smoothly to his feet. Down on one knee, Rabbit saw the sword come around to bite him again, and the teenager lifted the heavy round shield in both hands. Gold met gold with a fierce explosion of sparks and Rabbit felt his arms buckle, forcing the inside of the shield against the side of his face.

“Unfh...” the human snorted awkwardly, pushing against the skeleton’s oddly superior strength with both arms and his face. Rerouting all power – which isn’t saying much in Rabbit’s case – the human managed to plant his feet and eventually pushed.

The skeleton took a step back to keep balance and Rabbit was on his feet again, shield in one hand by his side, centre of gravity low enough for him to sweep out with a low kick.

The crook of his right foot kicked the offending skeleton’s legs out from under it, at the same time the shield coming up before smashing down on its rib-cage. The 24-carat warrior literally burst apart, limbs shooting out one way, head skittering away across the stone floor.

It was almost funny to watch... had it not been for the other nine skeletons lining up for a chance to have at the human.

Rabbit glanced to them, then averted his determined glare towards the mare perched cackling like a maniac above the battlefield. Rabbit’s was a look of determination. Determination to live through this. Determination to get Nightmare Moon back for smelting down all his ‘hard-earned’ bits. Determination not to let this bitch of the night screw with Trixie’s world.

He owed her that much for taking care of him.

He needed to take down Nightmare Moon to end this.

With a cry, Rabbit swung the shield in a wide arc and let go of the handle with a flick of the wrist. Immediately a patriotic sounding (and very much copyrighted) theme-tune ran through his mind as he watched the makeshift frisbee soar, spinning and curving through the air towards the skeletons. The creatures clumsily stumbled out of the way, but one wasn’t quite fast enough.

The golden warrior twisted out of the way, but the golden shield slammed into the jaw, breaking the jawbone clean off with a sickening crack!

The skeleton remained on its feet though, and jawless led the charge of the skeletons running at Rabbit. But the human wasn’t watching them. He was already beating feet up the curving staircase leading to Nightmare Moon’s balcony.

The charge was all zeal, no plan. Rabbit figured there was no point even making a plan. No point bitching about the future if he couldn’t focus on surviving the next twenty seconds.

Heck, he pondered a plan for a moment. And paid for it, dearly. He lost focus on how he was planting his strides and slipped over a slick edge of one of the worn down stone steps. With immediate effect his legs kicked backwards out from under the boy and he landed flat out on hands and knees, pain shooting through his limbs where he smacked into the stone.

He was going to get up and keep moving, when he suddenly realised how close the skeletons were on his tail. Jawless and one other were already casting their dim shadows over him.

Rolling over, Rabbit forced the stunned, numb sensation of his bruised arms and legs and scrambled backwards up the steps; just as jawless and his friend pulled back their blades, preparing to strike the human down. His eyes widened for a moment at the sight of the glinting swords... and then Rabbit glanced down. An idea popped into his head.

Without hesitating, the human coiled up, then lashed out with both feet. One heel smacked straight into jawless’ sternum, the other caught his buddy in the lower ribs. Both clumsy golden warriors were launched backwards, bouncing and tumbling almost comically all the way down the curve of stone steps. They would bounce on their heads, the flip around into a loud roll of gold scraping over stone, then spit a shower of sparks as they slid down a few steps on their asses. On his way down, jawless smacked into another skeleton too slow to avoid the incoming bodies, and all three skeletons shattered upon impact with the ground with a loud clatter.

Snickering, Rabbit savoured the momentary victory before he scrambled to his feet and continued to run up the steps with the other six golden skeletons giving chase.

The staircase curved ahead of him, leading up, and up, and... Rabbit realised his lungs were burning. He was wheezing and panting for breath, feeling like he’d run a marathon. The fear of being run through by the most expensive swords in Equestria mixed with his uphill struggle was enough to brutally kick the wind right out of him.

Coughing and clutching his burning chest, Rabbit fell heavily to his knees with a yelp of pain mixed with a dull phlop! He was near the top, only a few metres away from Nightmare Moon, but he couldn’t go on. It was too much. Besides, what was he going to do against an all-powerful winged unicorn of the night?

Jack and shit! And Jack wasn’t around.

The final six skeletons ran up to meet the exhausted human. Rabbit just rolled his eyes in a defeated fashion as their blades reeled back, poised to strike.

Rabbit raised his hands. “I surrender! I give up! I’m unarmed, tired and helpless. I surrender!”

And you are not going to believe any of the following words you are about to read. It worked!

The skeletons stopped in their tracks and suddenly stood at ease, believing every word from Rabbit’s mouth like it was the gospel from the pope himself. They were too noble to strike down an individual who had thrown himself at their mercy. As such, the human was rightfully confused, looking to an equally flustered Nightmare Moon.

“What?” the grand pony of the night yelped.

Rabbit shrugged. “And these things were going to help you conquer Equestria? Seriously? I’ve seen storm-troopers more competent!”

And there it was. Rabbit’s second wind. He leapt to his feet and shoved his hands hard against the ribs of the first two skeletons. The 24-carat warriors were instantly thrown back, weapons falling forgotten from creepy little segmented fingers as they tumbled and bounced down untold numbers of stairs, breaking apart as they fell.

Meanwhile, Rabbit caught one of the fallen swords in mid-flight and swept low and fast. The blade shuddered exactly four times, cutting through exactly four knees. The next two skeletons – before they could even react – comically tumbled down the stairs after the other two, falling apart along the way.

The fifth managed to at least move its shield to one side and bring the sword around for a swing. But Rabbit was faster. He twisted around and threw his shoulder against the skeleton’s sternum, crushing the golden warrior against the nearest wall. Grabbing the skull in his free hand as a leg and an arm spontaneously fell from the creature, Rabbit threw the warrior off balance and smashed the remnants against the ground with one foul swoop.

The final skeleton was poised to strike, and there was no way Rabbit would be able to react in time to defend himself. If he hesitated a moment longer he’d have a 600-bit sword sticking out of his gut... so Rabbit dropped his sword and held up his hands.

“I surrender.”

And as before, the skeleton believed him. It stood at ease before the ‘surrendered’ human.

The liar smirked. Pressing a hand against the golden skeleton’s chest, Rabbit gave a firm, almost playful push, tossing the warrior back a few paces. The golden heels tripped over the low balustrade lining the inner curve of the stairs and the skeleton free-fell a good two dozen metres, before shattering similar to the way a vaas would shatter upon impact with the ground.

Or is it actually spelled vase? Whatever. In this particular context, I think it’s spelled broken!

Rolling his shoulders and checking his surroundings to find no more expensive things attempting to kill him – Rabbit climbed the last few steps to Nightmare Moon’s balcony, feeling (and looking) quite proud of himself.

“I find all of that was delightfully ironic.” Rabbit joked with a wide smile, indicating the broken golden weapons and skeletal body-parts strewn around the place in his wake. “Me being ‘Rabbit’ and not exactly enjoying those carrots.” He paused for a laugh, but received none. “No? Not enjoying the twenty-four carats?” – Another pause – “Nothing. Carrot? Carat?” – Nightmare shook her head, eyes un-amused and confused – “No? Not even a chuckle? Not even a hate filled ‘baaaawww’ of disgust for how terrible that joke was?”

There was still no tangible reaction from Nightmare Moon, and Rabbit sighed realising that the opportunity for a kickass one-liner had come and gone... and he’d botched it. “Okay, I’m just going to repeatedly punch you in the face now.” his fist punched into an open palm. “Hold still.”

Nightmare Moon snorted angrily, a light mist shooting from her nostrils as she did so. In response Rabbit pulled in his hands and shuddered with a loud: “Eeeuwww!”

“How can you beat,” Nightmare Moon taunted proudly, ignoring the human. “What you cannot catch?”

With what sounded like the hundredth maniacal cackle that night, Nightmare threw her head back as a magical glow enveloped her horn. The darkness spread, magic flowing in glistening slivers over her face, then down along her slender neck. The slivers swirled and dripped down across her forelegs and formed spiderwebs of light across her body and flanks. And when the ends all joined together on her toned and narrow tush – an area in particular many of my readers find themselves morbidly interested in for some strange reason – they glowed like the pale moon.

Her tail phased away first. Disappearing and wafting away into tufts of black smoke. The pestilence seemed to spread, tearing away at chunks of her flank, slowly dissolving down her hind legs and over her body.

Nightmare Moon was teleporting away again!

“No.” Rabbit mumbled with a step closer.

Nightmare Moon continued to fade as she laughed triumphantly, slipping from his grasp.

“No, no-no-nononono!” Rabbit darted forward.

Nightmare’s body had faded into shadow, right up to the neck, and she was continuing to laugh and fizzle away into darkness.

Rabbit jumped.

Nightmare Moon’s eyes opened and she gasped.

Two human arms locked around Nightmare Moon face and squeezed hard enough to make her squeak like a dog’s toy. And then they both vanished together.

...

In that very same instance they reappeared somewhere else entirely, teleporting clear of the castle’s main chamber.

A split second later Rabbit was thrown clear. A force – magical no doubt – threw him from the mare’s body and sent him spiralling through the air. The whole world was a messy blur as he flew clear of all obstacles, tumbling through space itself it would seem. Had Nightmare Moon teleported him to the moon?

No such luck...

When he landed with a distinct ‘oomph,’ Rabbit found himself doubled over a low stone wall, teetering forward as if to slip over the far end. His legs dangled in the air behind him as he felt the higher edges of a battlement scrape over his elbows, keeping him form taking a nose dive over the edge of the castle’s highest tower.

That’s right. Nightmare Moon had teleported to the highest point of the ruined castle and nearly thrown Rabbit off the edge.

His eyes widened as if that would have given him a better view of the dizzying height, and Rabbit quite literally squealed as if a school-bully were wrapping his underwear right around his head. His view of the cold hard ground far below him seemed to pan in and out of focus as everything in his body trembled. Even his eyeballs, causing a blur of colours to splash across his field of vision.

Making an odd yelping noise, Rabbit leaned back, kicking his legs so he teetered backwards until his feet met the solid roof of the tower again.

“Urgh...” Rabbit grunted in complaint as he pushed off the battlement and fought off the vertigo. “What is it with heights today?”

“Mwua-ha-hahahahaha!” came a cackle, followed by a bolt of lightning on the horizon that made Nightmare Moon’s pure white eyes stand out against her momentarily blackened silhouette.

This again? Rabbit though as he rubbed his face. He was suffering fatigue, bruising and the vertigo didn’t seem to pass. You ever find yourself ten stories up and terrified the building may suddenly sway or topple for no good reason? Yeah, that’s how Rabbit was feeling.

And if you haven’t ever had that sensation... well screw you, man! It’s late, I’m tired, and I can’t be bothered describing vertigo in depth. Go listen to U2 or some shit!

Okay, getting back on topic...

Trying to ignore the feeling of the ground shifting under his feet, Rabbit squinted through the wind whipping at them both. The diameter of the tower’s roof couldn’t have been more than a dozen metres. But the space between them seemed to stretch. Rabbit felt like he was standing across a plain of miles, staring down a deadly army of darkness poised to throw itself upon him.

“Come and have at me then, pathetic human!” Nightmare Moon cackled, her alicorn glowing vibrantly. “What is the worst you can do? swing your fleshy arms at me? I just realised. Humans have no magic! But guess what? I do! Hahahahahaha!”

Rabbit’s heart sank very suddenly like it had suddenly and inexplicably adopted the mass of an articulated truck.

She was right.

‘I’m just going to repeatedly punch you in the face now.’ What the hell had he been thinking? He didn’t have anything that could hurt Nightmare Moon. He could swing his climbing-axe at her... but then she’d just focus for a second and poof... Rabbit might literally find himself a rabbit. Bunny-ears and all. He truly was just a pathetic powerless bug before her might.

There was only really one thing left to do...

Rabbit charged Nightmare Moon head on.

There was no warning, no prelude to the attack. He just lunged, launching himself screaming and flailing into the mare of darkness. She was so shocked by the sudden lunge that she could only stand there with a shocked expression in her eyes.

As Rabbit made contact, his hand closed around the precious stone embedded on the mare’s chest-armour. Much to his surprise, it reacted to the attack like a living thing might recoil. It pulled away and out of reach, swirling away into a vortex that seemed to stretch and elongate the world all around him, sinking away into a sickening, dizzy nothingness that was beyond whatever madness it was Rabbit found himself looking into.

Just like that he was pulled in. No accurate way of describing the experience. No sciencey techno-babble. Just magic. Sweet, supple, red-herring, deus-ex machina magic.

The look on Rabbit’s face when he realised he was tumbling through space after Nightmare Moon’s armour-adornment would have been precious... had someone actually seen it.

Instead that funny look of utter confusion and surprise was lost to the universe as Rabbit found himself in a world made up of darkness...

How delightfully... random.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Interval 1.3: Just a Nightmare

My Little Pony:

Versus Equestria

[The Road to Canterlot]

Interval 1.3: Just a Nightmare

... or...

Maybe those were just his eyelids.

Rabbit opened his eyes, slowly at first. They cracked open and he could feel the tears well up for a moment, blurring his vision. Smears of colour drifted this way and that as he shifted his gaze through his eyelashes to take in more of his surroundings. To no avail.

Eventually his eyelids peeled back the rest of the way and he blinked away tears of fatigue. With a deep breath he could feel the thick odour of incense burn his sinuses and coat his lungs. It felt like he was gagging up sandpaper.

Coughing it off into his hand (reflexive manners told him to cover his face when he sneezed or coughed. What? Some people are just like that), Rabbit sat up, blinking at the hazy air swirling around him. Ribbons of pungent smoke seemed to rise from the blackened ground, dissipating into a light greyish mist that seemed to highlight the inky blackness that had swallowed the teenager up. All around him was an endless void of space, starless and pitch black. All he could see was himself, clear as day as if he was well lit, but the very environment around him seemed to suck in light and give nothing back.

Rabbit rubbed his face. Where the hell was he? Or more importantly... was this actually hell and how the hell did he get there?

Just sitting there he tried to add one and one together. What did he know? He charged Nightmare Moon. He grabbed for that shiny, glowing thingy on her armour out of reflex. And... he’d been sucked through the delicate fabric of existence?

He added one and one just to get eleven. That didn’t make any god-damn sense.

But enough about making sense, because Rabbit’s mind was quickly blown when he looked down. Right there, sitting beside him on the black floor was a slug. A small little slimy black thing with a quad of stubby antennae at the head, tail ending in something of a point. He could hardly see the creature against the dark floor, but there it was, glistening in the non-light and leaving a little icky trail in its wake.

“Well, that’s...” Rabbit paused to come up with a good word to describe the situation. “Random.” He finished slowly.

“Ullo.” The slug suddenly said in a plain and very un-interesting voice.

Rabbit blinked for a moment wondering if he’d heard that right. “Uh... did-... did you say hello?” he asked for clarity, not quite believing that he had just heard a slug say hello to him.

“No, I said ullo, but close enough.” The slug replied in a matter-of-factly tone. There seemed to be nothing distinct about that voice. No accent, no hint of any kind of emotion. Just lukewarm, dead-panned disinterest.

“R-right...” Rabbit was frowning, wondering whether he was plain drunk or having some kind of hallucinogenic dream. Then again, he had spent the past couple of months in a land of talking technicolor ponies. Maybe everything he was experiencing in Equestria was some kind of hallucinogenic dream.

“So what’re you up to?” the slug asked.

Rabbit swallowed. “Nothing much.”

“Nothing much?” the slug asked in a tone Rabbit imagined he would wear a frown to.

“Nothing much.” The human repeated.

“Gonna squish me?”

That took Rabbit by surprise. “Squish you?”

“Are you gonna?”

“N-no.” the teenager stammered.

“Good. That would be bad.”

“How bad?”

“I’d have to fuck up your face.”

That also took Rabbit by surprise. “That is bad.”

“Indeed... Nightmare Moon imprisoned you too?”

“I think I was sucked into a gemstone.” Rabbit quickly realised, slowly making what little sense there was to make of his current predicament.

“That’s pretty much it.” The slug clarified for the teenager in just four words, before going on to explain: “Nightmare Moon has this magical gem that can imprison souls and entities. It’s what gives the bitch her power.”

“How many others are imprisoned in here?”

“Just the three of us.” The slug deadpanned.

Rabbit glanced around. He didn’t see any others other than the slug and himself. “Three?”

“Yeah. You, me and that pony over there.”

Rabbit looked up, and this time he saw it. Laid against the invisible horizon seemed to be an archway. It seemed extravagant and delicate at the same time. Slender bars of platinum were wound and knotted into a complicated weave forming something of a high doorway, beyond which Rabbit spotted a glimmer of starry night-sky.

The teenage rolled to his feet and gave the slug a wide berth – fearing for the safety of his face – and approached the archway. He gave one last glance to the little slug, then reached out and pressed his hand against the cold glass in the archway standing inexplicably before him.

On the other side of the shield preventing him entry to the star-spangled space beyond he saw a small heap. A pony to be exact. She was small, no bigger than a typical Equestria filly. Her head came up to Rabbit’s knee, had she been standing. She lay there in a tight ball, quivering in fear. Her eyes were squeezed shut and her stubby little wings were wrapped over her back. Her coat was a light night-sky blue, something reminiscent of the moonlit night-sky, and her short mane was a flat azure, her fringe falling over the side of her equine face with a slender curve.

Pulling his hand back, Rabbit gave the window between them a light tap with his knuckles. It must have been what the teenager considered a ‘fishbowl’ effect. The knock on the inside may have sounded louder than that on the outside, because the filly quite literally leapt to her hooves, eyes wide with the jolt of shock still reverberating through her tiny body.

Only then did Rabbit see the full extent of her features. Azure fetlocks like her mane with a wavy, combed tail. On her flanks were cutie-marks identical to that of Nightmare Moon, pale crescent moons, with another sprawled over the midnight patch on her chest. There was a stubby little horn protruding from the pony’s fringe, to go with the little wings on her shoulder-blades.

“Wow. This day just keeps on surprising me.” Rabbit muttered to himself. Eventually he hummed to himself, tapping his chin thoughtfully. “Hmmm... well, we can’t stay in here forever.” Reaching back, Rabbit deftly un-holstered his climbing-axe and threw it up. The tool-slash-weapon performed two whole aerial rotations before Rabbit caught it by the hilt and waved to the winged unicorn to move back. “Stand back, little pony.” – The vicious looking makeshift weapon was raised as the human stood ready – “I’m about to break stuff.”

With some shock in her eyes, the young filly jumped back as a loud cry filled the air around them.

“Whoa-whoa-whoa!” the slug exclaimed somewhere behind Rabbit. “How the hell is that going to help?”

“No idea.” Rabbit admitted. “It’ll make me feel better though.”

Before there was any more complaint, Rabbit swung the climbing-axe in a deadly arc. The pick slammed into the centre of the glass with a pronounced TCHOCK! Slivers of quicksilver sprayed from the initial entry-wound and a spiderweb of pale cracks circled the tip of the axe, clawing outward in what looked like jagged lines of lightning, glistening as they hung there frozen in time – okay, the metaphor is becoming a little stretched.

Simply put, Rabbit broke the window with a quick flex of the climbing-axe and a powerful tug. The pane of glass separating him from the filly beyond fell apart into little jagged daggers and sharp crumbs.

And Rabbit was pulled away almost instantly.

For a moment he wasn’t sure what was happening. He just squinted his eyes and held on tight to his climbing-axe as an invisible hook impaled his belly-button and yanked him sharply backwards. His feet left the ground and his limbs trailed in his wake quite ridiculously. The wind picked up, and soon he felt the cold rain lash his face once more.

The ground was hard, but the low battlements surrounding the castle-ruin tower’s top were even harder. The back of Rabbit’s head cracked into the masonry, quite literally shaking the teenager’s poor throbbing brain and causing a sensation of his nasal cavity swelling to grotesque proportions within his skull.

“Ow... tits!” was the best swear he could muster before blinking away tears of pain. The world of darkness had been replaced and he was once more out in the fresh Equestria air.

Pulling himself to his feet, Rabbit found himself still on the top of the tower, Nightmare Moon still before him. She must have been standing there, cackling like a maniac the entire time Rabbit had engineered his escape from her magical ‘prison-gem.’

She actually looked pretty shocked, eyes bulging grotesquely... even more grotesquely than Trixie the last time she put on a cute stare. “How did you do that? How did you escape?”

“Simply put? Hell if I know!” Rabbit laughed with some surprise. He hadn’t actually expected for his plan of ‘breaking stuff’ to actually work. “It looks like this fleshy little human has some magic in him after all.” Rabbit cockily threw his head back and mimicked Nightmare Moon’s voice for his own rendition of a maniacal cackle. “Mwua-ha-hahahahaha!” his singing voice needed work, and his impressions of exotic accents sucked, but Rabbit’s maniacal-villain-laugh was actually surprisingly good.

Rabbit seemed to notice, and even Nightmare Moon gave a discreet nod of approval. “Wow... that was surprisingly good... right, stay on target. You’re going down now, bitch!”

Rabbit had made a very sudden one-eighty. He wasn’t afraid of Nightmare Moon anymore. She was just an ill spirit. Merely an amalgamation of hate and jealousy. Her tricks and tactics thus far may have fucked with the head of any pretty little pony. But Rabbit wasn’t a pony, was he?

Nightmare Moon was much less of a threat than anypony was giving her credit for. She wasn’t going to blast him with magic or impale him on her horn. After all, if she actually could, she would have easily dispatched the human five times over. Rabbit had nothing to fear, and a way to beat her now. With his plan in mind, he knew exactly what he had to do. And a good plan was more powerful than any weapon.

Turning his climbing-axe over, he holstered it back on his backpack and prepared himself with a cunning smirk on his face.

Just go right ahead and start calling Rabbit ‘Gary Stu.’

Pushing off his left foot, Rabbit launched himself forward, headlong at Nightmare Moon as he had done before as an act of desperation in the face of death. This time though, it was not he who had the desperate expression on his face. His eyes were not locked with hers, but fixated on the ominous glow centred on the bust of the shadowy mare’s armour.

Nightmare Moon’s eyes were wide with shock – and confusion – and her mouth was agape in a silent scream. She hardly had time to register what the hell was going on when Rabbit made contact, smashing headlong into her...

In a blaze of blinding light, Rabbit disappeared. The glow of the gem on Nightmare’s armour had vanished completely. As a matter of fact, the entire gem had vanished.

And in a split second, the glow had returned. Although, it was not emanating from Nightmare Moon’s chest-plate. It glowed brightly, closed in Rabbit’s left hand.

He re-materialised behind Nightmare Moon, dragging slivers of darkness from the mare’s midnight coat as he stumbled to a halt. The darkness that peeled from her skin seemed to puff out of existence and melt into the natural grim shadows. Closed in his left fist was a vibrantly glowing gem. Held under his right arm was the filly partially reminiscent of the mare of the night. He had dragged himself out of the gem once more, but this time he had taken possession of the gem that had sucked him in, and escaped with Nightmare Moon’s inner child.

Yes, I know that doesn’t make much sense, but check this out. Rabbit is carrying a cute little cartoon horse with wings and an alicorn under one arm and is fighting an evil winged unicorn atop a rickety stone tower in a land of ponies dyed in a kaleidoscope of vibrant colour! Your argument is invalid.

So, magic ‘n shit aside...

Rabbit turned on the spot, quite shocked his plan had actually worked. He gently settled the filly under one arm to the ground and looked at the gem in his hand. Something seemed to be happening, and Rabbit’s eyes bulged as he opened his fingers.

Ribbons of light spilled from the glowing oval resting in the palm of his hand. Two wrapped down and around his wrist, forming something of a wide strap to hold the gem tightly against his inner wrist. Another slimmer ribbon of white light sprouted up and across the palm of his hand, wormed its way between his pinkie and ring-finger, then wrapped across the back of his knuckles and connected with the main strap at the back of the wrist. A branching ribbon extended from the back of his hand and wrapped between his index-finger and his thumb, connecting with something of a T-shape in the palm of his hand.

The light suddenly faded and solidified the ribbons into what looked like delicate brass straps, now gauntleting the gem securely against Rabbit’s wrist. He gave his fingers, then his wrist a quick flex to check for flexibility. It felt like he wasn’t wearing anything on his hand at all. It was bizarre to say the least.

Meanwhile, Nightmare Moon span around in a circle, severely distressed. Looking at her, he saw the mare paw feebly at the empty slot on her armour where the gem bound to Rabbit’s wrist had once been. Her hoof struck the chest-plate a few times as she gaped at the human’s wrist in a furious panic.

“No!” she screamed. “No, no-nononono!”

Tufts of shadow and darkness seemed to peel from her body. Her armour faded, exploding into glittering pixels that were extinguished like the sparks of an open fire disappearing up the flue of a fireplace. She convulsed for a moment before melting away into tufts of blackened cloud.

Nightmare Moon was quite literally evaporating. ‘Well wha’ddaya know?’ Rabbit thought to himself.

Before long, Rabbit realised he was staring at a massive cloud of darkness just hanging there between states of solidity and vapour. Nightmare Moon swirled like an angry storm-cloud several metres tall, crackling white lightning shooting through her form as she attempted to form some kind of shape. She was screaming somewhere in the night sky, her voice echoing all around them as the wind seemed to pick up, whipping at Rabbit’s clothes and the filly’s short mane.

And then she seemed to take a shape. The shape of a head, imitating some kind of corrupted human skull. Leaning forward and darting closer, the jaw un-jointed to bare huge pointed, outward jutting teeth as the black cloud of death bore down on them, fire and lightning crackling within the empty eye-sockets.

“Ah, nuts.” The human mumbled.

The filly by Rabbit’s side screamed loudly. Naturally, Rabbit joined in. The teenager instinctively shrank to her side with fear too. Scratch Rabbit’s earlier badass moment. He was very much scared again! Not quite to the point of tears welling in his eyes, but pretty damn close. He was actually feeling the twitch in his tear-ducts.

A little selfishly, the first thought crossing Rabbit’s brain was self-preservation. He wanted to throw the filly at the incoming maw of darkness, offer up the pony in exchange for his own life. It seemed, at the time, a douchebag thing to do though. Besides, Nightmare Moon would just eat her up like a morsel and turn her attention back to the human.

Instead, Rabbit threw himself over the filly, forming something of a meat-shield between her and the impending danger, his left arm raised over his head for whatever good that would have done to protect himself. It was admittedly another selfish move. If he died first he’d at least die quickly and painlessly.

Rabbit’s eyes were tightly squeezed shut, and he could feel the pony squirm in fear beneath him. His heart hammered so furiously he swore it might burst out of his chest and let out a high pitched alien wail. If only he had something... anything to protect them both. A shield... anything!

And then there was a thud, to go with a jolt of something striking his forearm...

Rabbit slowly opened his eyes and blinked for a moment. Very slowly, he and the filly under him lifted their heads at the same time and stared at wonder into the light engulfing Rabbit’s left forearm. Flowing like melting dry ice, or white fire, pure light emanated from the gem secured in Rabbit’s gauntlet and gathered around his forearm. Mounted by a single needle-point on his wrist was what looked like a solid steel kite shield, banded and studded... and made entirely out of the same white light emanating from the glowing gem.

Rabbit just stared at Nightmare Moon feebly throwing herself against the insanely huge magical shield the human seemed to be carrying with little to no effort. He blinked a few times as hard as he could, just to make sure it wasn’t just his imagination... and then he suddenly realised it was his imagination. He had thought of a shield, a barrier to protect them from impending death. And there you have it.

A shield protecting them from impending death.

“Okay...” the human muttered slowly. “Now I’m thinking of a nice plate of bacon.”

Nothing...

Gritting his teeth, Rabbit steadied and steeled himself. “Fine. I guess this ‘ll have to do.”

Throwing his whole weight onto the shield, he pushed Nightmare Moon’s essence back. She screeched with surprise as the shield holding her back faded from existence. But the darkness was already thrown back into a heap where it struggled to take form again.

Rabbit focused for a moment on the first thing that came to mind. Initially he was to materialise a bazooka or something awesome like that. A shaft of light spilled from the gauntleted gem and formed between Rabbit’s hands. It solidified before forming a massive blunt appendage on one end of the narrow shaft. Soon, Rabbit realised he was holding a cartoonish over-sized mallet.

“Bazooka, over-sized mallet. Toh-may-toh, toh-mah-toh.” Rabbit weighed the spontaneous mallet in his hands, then looked to the remnants of Nightmare Moon swirling before him. “It’s time you saw the light, bitch!” he cried, raising the weapon high above his head.

His spine arched back dangerously, the human teetering on his toes for a moment before he suddenly coiled up, throwing the mighty hammer forward. The mallet truck home, smashing into the midst of the cloud that was Nightmare Moon. The mare of the night screamed. The mallet struck the ground and in an explosion of vibrant light that seemed to cause the clouds above to shift, Nightmare Moon was scattered to the six corners of Equestria.

One minute she was there. The next she was not... just an echo of her voice rumbling further and further away into voids of nothingness.

The mallet resting on the ground before Rabbit evaporated. Wisps and ribbons of light peeled from the surface of the weapon before the human straightened up, his grip leaving the heavy weapon that had spontaneously appeared when his imagination had demanded it. A moment later the hammer vanished, as if it had never actually been there; as if it had truly been a figment of his imagination.

With a wide grin on his face, Rabbit held the gauntleted gem for closer inspection, then rolled a kink out of his shoulder, clenching his fists by his side.

So that was it then. Nightmare Moon was gone. Equestria was safe again. Just like that.

Through the howling wind settling around the spire, Rabbit heard her voice, small, innocent, almost angelic. “It’s time you saw the light?” the voice also held a hint of mock towards Rabbit’s final words to the artist formerly known as Nightmare Moon.

With a frown, Rabbit turned to the pony he had rescued. She looked different. No longer a filly, she seemed to have grown into a young mare inexplicably, tall enough for her head to reach Rabbit’s chest now.

She was on her hooves and approached the human gingerly. “Too much?” Rabbit asked.

“No!” she said quickly – and awkwardly – though Rabbit presumed she was just sparing his feelings. “No, it was...” – she searched for the word – “Adequate.”

Rabbit hung his head a little realising his badass one-liners might need a little work. Though that was an exercise for another day. First things first: “You okay?” he asked the winged unicorn.

“I am fine.” Some formality was creeping into her voice as she seemed to be regaining some of her composure. “Art thou?”

Rabbit tapped his chin, pondering that for a moment. “Meh. A very stiff drink wouldn’t go amiss.” He added with a shrug before casting a glance over the edge of the tower. “But right now I suppose I’ll settle for some good old fashioned sanity.”

Rabbit’s third wind had passed. Now he really was tired.

***[]***

Their exit from the nightmare castle in the midst of the Everfree Forest wasn’t so bad. Mainly because Rabbit didn’t have to walk. His new filly companion had grown into a mare within moments, her head suddenly at head level to the teenager. Particularly, her wings had grown into grand, feathered appendages any falcon would be proud of. Seeing his discomfort for heights, the winged unicorn had hooked her forelegs under Rabbit’s arms and with a mighty flap of her newly grown wings she had carried the clueless and surprised human screaming like a little girl off the top of the tower with little effort. Even after everything he had been through, Rabbit nearly wet himself.

Okay, maybe it was actually about as nightmare-ish as facing down Nightmare Moon.

You had to hand it to them though; Equestria’s ponies were empathetic... at the worst possible moments.

When Rabbit had finally stopped cursing at the mare, she reverted to their previous conversation, pre-surprise flight. “So, how did you know to disarm Nightmare Moon of the gem to render her powerless?”

Rabbit gave the gem gauntleted to his wrist and exploratory tug. Yup, she was stuck on there good. “Dunno. It was centred, shiny and glowie.” Rabbit explained. “Decades of video games have trained me to focus on the shiny parts of end-of-level-bosses... and a slug gave me a tool-tip.”

The pony frowned at that other-worldly statement. “I... am confused.”

Rabbit shrugged. “I just fought human skeletons made of gold, pulled you out of a pocket dimension contained within a little gem and destroyed a pony made entirely out of shadow with a hammer that materialised out of my skewed and unstable imagination... we’re all confused.” He tucked his arms across his chest. “Besides, she wasn’t exactly powerless without the gem. Honestly, she got closer to killing me without it rather than with it. I suppose I shouldn’t really complain though.”

A rustle from the edge of the woods up ahead caused the duo to pause in their step. The rain-drenched foliage shifted and sprayed water before parting to reveal and purple and azure mess on four hooves. Mounted across her back were a pair of saddle-bags with the flaps strapped shut tightly, and towed in her wake was a makeshift sled bound together by scraps of wood and canvas.

The remnants of her wagon now formed a makeshift trailer on which to drag the excess supplies and other useful gear the magician’s bulging saddle-bags could not hold. The moment her eyes sighted the human a squeal of joy escaped her throat.

“Rabbit!” Trixie cried as she galloped closer, ditching her sled and saddle-bags. “By Celestia, you’re alright! I thought for sure Nightmare Moon would... ahem.” Stopping just a few feet short of tackling the human boy and smothering him with ‘friendship,’ Trixie cleared her throat into a hoof and calmed herself. “You, uh-... you look like crap.” She gave a broad toothy grin.

With an eyebrow cocked, Rabbit held out his arms and looked down at himself. To say he looked like crap was an understatement. The rain falling from the steel-coloured sky did little to wash off the dirt. He could only just about make out the orange lining of his coat under the mud and filth that was caked to him. He was soaked through to the skin and was feeling the chill of the wind. A dry and brittle twig hung tangled in his hair, falling over his forehead and grains of mud were stuck to his face.

Though, in truth, Trixie was just as ragged as the human.

Granules of dirt were stuck in her mane, half a bush stuck in her hair. There were mud and grass stains right up her slim legs; her hat and cape were sodden and blackened with filth.

Rabbit coughed out a chuckle as he made his own observations on the pony’s appearance. “You’re one to talk.”

Trixie smirked. “Yeah, I am, actually. I make a dirty coat look good-...” her eye was drawn to some movement beside the human and Trixie's voice died with a little choke. “-Elp-” was sort of what it sounded like.

Trixie’s eyes widened at the sight of the winged unicorn with Rabbit, and her front legs suddenly gave out. The showmare’s face splattered audibly into the mud as she grovelled up to the taller pony’s hooves.

“Your highness!” Trixie squeaked.

“Your highness?” Rabbit repeated with a wonky frown on his face.

He angled his gaze to one side and saw the winged unicorn had grown out her mane in the space it took to exchange a few aesthetics jibes with his pony-companion. Her mane now flowed and billowed like clouds on the night sky, stars blinking and burning in the magical aura that Rabbit could have sworn was hair just a few moments ago.

“Princess Luna.” Trixie announced as the regal pony sister stood before them in her fully restored glory. “Please forgive her insolence; Trixie was just so relieved to see her friend was okay...” the magician paused with an innocent little glance upward at Princess Luna’s stern expression. “Has Trixie been a good pony?”

“Quite alright, Trixie!” Came Princess Luna’s mighty voice. “You may rise!”

In the middle of it all, Rabbit couldn’t believe what he was witnessing. “So you’re saying I just rescued the princess from the castle? Hah!” Rabbit slapped a hand across his forehead, nearly throwing himself off his feet and into the dirt. Something told him he should have been in awe thought. His first instinct should have been to bow to royalty... but hell to that! She wasn’t the princess of Rabbit’s world. “I’m totally crossing that off my bucket list!”

“What exactly happened?” Trixie asked as she gingerly rose from her bowed position.

Rabbit took a deep breath in preparation, then explained in quick-fire: “Nightmare Moon used an ancient magical gem to imprison Princess Luna and harness the princess’ power so she could smelt all the gold of Equestria into an army of skeletons that would spread and conquer. I rescued the princess by taking possession of the gem” – he pointed to his wrist – “and manifested a giant mallet out of my imagination which I used to pancake the demon formerly known as Nightmare Moon into oblivion.” He paused and took a breath. Wide eyed, Trixie just stared at him. “Does any of that make sense to you?” Rabbit quickly added.

“Nope.” The curiosity had suddenly been drained from the unicorn altogether.

“Oh, good.” The teenager chuckled. “I thought it was just me.”

Trixie joined in with his chuckle. She didn’t actually care what had happened, why or how. Rabbit was with her again, unharmed. She couldn’t have wished for anything more.

A deafening ahem cleared the air between them and the duo turned to face Princess Luna again. “I shall travel immediately to Canterlot and inform my sister all is well! No doubt she has already dispatched guards to search for me! We shall see to it this area is secured and the gold is returned to the rightful owners!” Princess Luna announced. “As soon as it is smelted back into bits, of course!”

“Yeah, about that. All our hard-earned bits were-...” Rabbit started, but the princess held up a hoof to command silence, her expression indicating she did not like being interrupted. Rabbit quickly pretended to lock his mouth shut and swallow the key.

“You have done much for Equestria already, Rabbit!” Princess Luna explained. “But I fear we must ask you for one last favour! I do not dare handle the gem myself, for fear of becoming entrapped within it once more! Act as a courier, and bring that gem attached to your wrist to the nearby town of Ponyville!”

“Ponyville? Ah.” Trixie visibly cringed. “Actually, the thing about that is-...”

“Take it to the librarian known as Twilight Sparkle! She is my sister’s most trusted pupil and a highly gifted mage!” – Trixie discreetly huffed to herself – “She will know how to dispose of it! Do this and I shall personally see to it the both of you are rewarded handsomely, and compensated threefold for your losses!”

“The gallant and heroic Rabbit doesn’t have much of a choice in the matter, does he princess?” Rabbit commented, giving the gem gauntleted to his left wrist a feeble tug. It was very much stuck to him.

Princess Luna just narrowed her eyes and gave another one of those ‘Don’t fuck with me, puny mortal’ looks. She was squared right up to the human, so close in fact he could feel her breath on his face. In response Rabbit gave a stocky salute with the best smile he could muster, failing miserably to hide his fear for her wrath.

“AND...” came the princess’ mighty volume... suddenly she changed. She wasn’t a merciless immortal anymore. She wasn’t some goddess about to strike down her subjects. Princess Luna’s eyes narrowed as her expression softened into a sudden sheepish little grin.

With her head tilted to one side, she darted closer. Rabbit was powerless. There was nothing he could do.

With his eyes wide open and hers shut in an expression of calm and collectiveness, Princess Luna kissed him full on the mouth. It wasn’t just a quick peck either. It was a complete and total French kiss... well, whatever the pony equivalent of ‘French’ was. And on that note, why the hell do they call it a French kiss anyway? What the hell is so French about sticking your tongue down someone’s throat? The same deal with French fries. Just because you fry up some potatoes doesn’t make them fucking French-...

Yeah, I kinda wandered off topic there. Sorry about that. So aside from the fact Equestria was a land of cluelessly innocent little girly ponies (that’s colts included), the princess was pretty much orally raping the shocked human.

After a few moments of tongue-tango, Luna pulled back, the warmth of her lips peeling away from the teenager’s at an agonizingly pace with a light ‘smack.’ They stared at each other and gulped instinctively at the same time.

Rabbit quickly turned green realising the pony’s tongue had been in his mouth before he swallowed... and then his cheeks burned bright red as he realised the winged unicorn had just straight up Frenched him in sight of his best pony-friend, Trixie. He was instinctively wondering what she was thinking.

In truth, the traveling magician’s mind was blank as she gaped, staring at the immortal goddess princess who’d just put the moves on Trixie's companion.

Rabbit blinked, oblivious to this.

“You’re not all I imagined a knight in shining armour might be but... thank you, Ser Rabbit.” Came Princess Luna’s voice, without the ear-numbing volume this time. And with that she turned around and flapped her wings, taking off into the steely sky.

Clouds shifted and the sun peeked through, soaking Rabbit and Trixie in its warm rays for a moment, before the teenage human looked down to his companion. She seemed shocked at what had transpired, one eye bulging wider that the other with a squiggly sort of gape taking over her mouth.

Just as flustered, Rabbit quickly gave his head a shake and dragged the duo out of their combined trance by exclaiming at the top of his lungs: “WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH YOU FUCKING PONIES!?”

Giving an aggravated moan while rubbing his face in an attempt to get rid of his fierce blush, Rabbit did his best to calm himself down. “Let’s just forget what transpired here.”

“Agreed.” Trixie commented dryly.

“We’ll just get to Ponyville, sort this mess out and get paid.”

Trixie silently donned her saddle-bags with a touch of levitation-magic and prepped to move. “Unless somepony finds out our ‘hard-earned’ bits were all stolen, and Princess Celestia sees fit to banish us to the moon.”

Rabbit just smiled. “Let’s try to burn one bridge down at a time, eh?” Trixie just rolled her eyes.

Rabbit moved to her makeshift sled and pulled open his pack, transferring what he could into his bag.

“So you saved all of Equestria from Nightmare Moon’s wrath.” Trixie joked after a short silence. “What will you do next?”

“I’m going to Disneyland!” Rabbit cheered childishly.

Trixie laughed as if she actually understood the reference... but after a moment she went quiet and shuffled closer to the human. “Y’know, Equestria isn’t technically your world. You didn’t have to save the day. You could’ve run away and left it to the proper authorities. I wouldn’t have thought less of you. Nopony would have.”

Rabbit paused as he packed, then lifted his gaze. “You’ve taken care of me since I arrived here. I saved your world. We’re square.”

The pony scoffed. “You’re kidding, right? I owe you now! Saving the world is a little more extreme than-...”

Rabbit cut across her by holding out his hand to her. “Trix!” he said sternly. “We’re even.”

Trixie looked at the human’s hand, then back to his face. Rabbit smiled as the pony sighed, giving in. they shook on it, hand to hoof. “Okay... we’re even... at least we will be!” Trixie suddenly snapped looking quite stern herself. “As soon as you get us back our hard-earned savings! I can’t believe you were able to fight off Nightmare Moon but failed to secure a simple bag of bits!”

The human laughed.

When Rabbit had stowed the excess of gear from Trixie’s sled into his backpack, the duo set off again in the direction of Canterlot.

“Hey, Trix?”

“Mmm?”

“Ah’ve got the ma-gic in me...”

***[]***

Somewhere between the thresholds of shadow and orange juice...

You’re back! Excellent. How did it go?

Exactly as we planned. Ponies are so predictable... and you were right, by the way. There is indeed a human in Equestria. He has the weave-gem.

Ho-ho, marvellous! A wide, evil grin spread through the murky insanity, bearing pointed and uneven teeth made of pure stroganoff. It seems, my little mistress of evil, that the fun has indeed been doubled!

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Interval 2.1: Public Enemies

The wind swept through the dead land, playing through the branches of a chunk of tumbleweed and picking up a handful of light grit and sand.

There was a crackle as the sand settled on the dusty masonry in the wake of the breeze that harassed the barren badlands. The sand filtered through the deep cracks in the temple and fell gently through the air within, filtering through the harsh beams of light cutting through gaps in the ancient structure’s walls. The sand settled for only a moment on the floor, kicked up again by a light draught sweeping through the ruins. The sand eventually settled over some faded, lumpy mosaic...

Before being stomped out by the rubberized sole of a shoe.

Some other grains of sand were kicked up by the breeze and began to claw at his khaki slacks in an act of vengeance for their stomped-on granulated comrades. They threw themselves upon the hardened plastic pads protecting the aggressors knees without prevail. Some more tactically minded grains of sand made it high enough to cling to his sleeveless shirt. Others worked their way into the sturdy fabric of a fedora hanging from the tool-belt wrapped around his waist. Others targeted their attack more efficiently, scattering upon the scroll in his hand and obscuring some of the hand-written text printed on the parchment.

The feeble attack of the granules of sand was ended quickly however by a lazy wave of Andrew Shepherd’s hand as he shook out his notes.

“Gah, always with the sand.” Andrew complained as he finished cleaning his notepad and tucked his writing material back into a reserved pouch on his tool-belt, somewhere between his trowel and a cluster of various brushes, a tooth-brush bundled inexplicably among them.

Though sand really should have been the least of Mister Shepherd’s concerns. After everything he’d been through since his crash-landing in Equestria; sleeping in a bed designed for bears and putting up with a demon only able to be described as ‘Flutter-bitch’ (Yeah, you heard right). Comprehending the logistics of human-pony intimate relations and dealing with a world-ending crisis involving a misunderstanding caused by time-travel. Then donning a dragon-costume that would have done MacGyver proud and wandering into the midst of a dragon migration...

A bit of sand bothering him was a welcome change to the lunacy that made up Andrew Shepherd’s usual day to day business in Ponyville, Equestria. In other news on everything Andrew, his girlfriend... beg your pardon, marefriend... very sorry, marefriends, as in plural... actually... it’s complicated. Let’s not touch that one.

Eyes up, Andrew shuffled his way out of the opening archway and deeper into the temple’s main chamber. All around the ancient structure stretched the Equestria badlands, an expanse of dry, dead land home to burning desert, clusters of jagged, razor-sharp rock, hidden gorges of death and expanses of barren bedrock. In all, a very inhospitable place. The temple was exactly half-an-hour’s walk – a brisk march – into the tail-end of the badlands, just west of the Ponyville border.

Andrew’s trained archaeological eye took in the faded details of the temple quickly. Mayan design, definitely – given away by the blocky pyramid design and long stairway leading up to the main opening at the very top of the structure. A popular design during the height of Mayan culture. The idea was that the higher their temples were, the closer to heaven they would be.

There’s a stairway to heaven joke in there somewhere. It’ll come to me.

Other designs he picked up on seemed non-sensical after noting the Mayan architecture. There seemed to be ancient Greek columns in the opening archways, and a gothic cathedral spire perched atop the ceiling. Faded across the inner walls of the main chamber there seemed to be frescoes, a method of painting popularised during the Renaissance, achieved when paint was applied on wet plaster.

The whole building was an impossible amalgamation of many more eras and cultures that didn’t make any damn sense... at least, it wouldn’t have made any sense back home on Earth. This was a magical land of talking ponies.

Nonsense aside, Andrew crossed the dusty floor and squinted at one of the faded frescoes. No more than an amalgamation of blurry blobs to the casual eye, focusing on the work of art Andrew could make out the distinct shapes of ponies running and cowering from the outlines of other creatures. Hulking canines walking around on their disproportionately tiny hind-legs, gryphons identified by the feathered bodies and the hawk-like heads. There were the massive dragons belching smoke and fire over the splodgey countryside, not to mistaken by three headed hydras bearing down over what could only be described as a ‘herd’ of manticore charging the line of ponies.

But there was something between the equines and the various monsters. Something strange. Comparatively lanky figures, four bipeds clad in dull armour, each a clone of the other with no distinct or unique features, seemingly brandishing sticks... or blades.

And the fifth standing at the arrowhead of their formation, a slender figure with a billowing cape – or perhaps hair – throwing itself into peril for the ponies.

Andrew blinked feeling his head spin from trying to make sense of the faded blobs for too long. He took some notes and sketches before turning away from the bizarre work of art, he walked back into the centre of the chamber, glancing down at the lumpy, worn down mosaic in the centre of the grand room. Notes were taken of it as well, despite the fact it didn’t seem to represent anything other than a pale blue orb broken up by patches of lime green. There didn’t seem to be much of a design to it, just a circle of blue and green.

Looking up from the centre of the orb, Andrew eyed the very back wall of the temple’s main chamber. In a shadowy alcove about twenty metres from the entrance stood a pedestal, perched atop it something resembling a stick.

Andrew eyed it curiously before reaching back and plucking the hat from his tool-belt. It was a classic brown, wide brimmed fedora made of sturdy wool felt and skilfully stitched by magic. One of Andrew’s friends, Rarity had made it for him when she first heard he’d be taking a trip out into the badlands.

“Ooooh~! The badlands won’t do your complexion any favours. You’ll be needing something to keep the dreadful sun off your head, darling!” the fashionista pony had exclaimed excitedly. She had then proceeded to lock herself in her workshop for the entire afternoon slaving over the perfect design.

Andrew had not been expecting to be holding a replica of Indiana Jones’ fedora by the end of the day. At first he’d been excited... but had suddenly felt unworthy to don it in front of everypony. Much to Rarity’s disappointment of course.

Andrew had saved her feelings with an explanation: "Well, in archaeology school they told me that to earn this particular hat you have to kill at least five Nazis and dangle over a chasm of death by a bullwhip.”

Alone however in a deserted temple ruin surrounded by nothing but rock and desert, Andrew gave a casual glance from left to right. Then with a wide nostalgic smile lowered his head to perch the fedora atop his crown.

“Unfortunately there aren't a lot of Nazis in Equestria,” the human said out loud to himself. “And since I don’t actually have a whip...” he was pretty sure Harrison Ford would forgive him his trespasses.

Tugging the brim of his fedora low over his brow, Andrew moved across the chamber and closer to the altar along the far wall. He took in every intricate detail of the relief carvings set into the ancient stone, sketching it out into his notes as best as possible... to little avail. He couldn’t make logical heads or tails of it. The swirls and decorations seemed to serve no purpose other than to look good. There was no distinct style, no distinguishing features. Just flowing lines, deft curves and smooth spirals un-strategically placed in the tangled mess. It was as if the carving was of... natural chaos.

Perched atop the altar however was something plainly distinguishable.

A long staff of metal-like quality hung horizontally before him, the surface dark red with two golden bands wrapped around either rounded end. It was a little longer than Andrew was tall, and while simple and straightforward in appearance, was strangely decorative. There was a shine to it that was more enchanting than that of pure gold.

It was in fact a terrifyingly perfect replica of a typical 17th century bo-staff. The fanboy in Andrew associated the pole with that of Sun Wukon from the classic Chinese tale Journey into the West.

The staff lay horizontally, balanced perfectly along the smooth mid-section on a three taloned claw reaching upward from the altar. The staff itself had a metal-like quality,.

Andrew inspected every possible angle, adding to his already hefty load of copious field-notes. He didn’t even realise he’d run out of space in his notebook, he just continued to cram more details into the margins. There didn’t seem to be any locks on the pole, nothing to hold it in place against explorers or thieves. Just a bo-staff sitting there, ripe for the picking.

And picked it was. With a single bold motion Andrew impulsively grabbed the pole and pulled it from the altar.

...

Nothing happened. Seriously, what were you expecting to happen? Were you expecting to see Andrew avoiding spike traps, giant boulders and rabid monkeys all the while humming the Indiana Jones theme to himself?

Turning the staff over for closer inspection, he set one end on the ground with a heavy ‘tchock’ that echoed throughout the chamber. That was when he felt it.

He had been leaning on the bo-staff for some support when the pole jerked. It seemed to sink into the ground, and looking down he saw the tile the staff was resting on recede slowly into the floor, grinding audibly.

The grind was followed by a ‘clunk’ and the noise of machinery clicking into place. A muffled sound of cogs meshing together and rolling somewhere beneath his feet caused the human to break out in a sweat.

Of course, while in the normal world temples and ruins weren’t inhabited by intricate and dangerous traps, he was not in the normal world. One hand slapped over his face and he groaned, cursing himself for forgetting all the curve-balls Equestria had thrown his thus far.

A familiar tune started playing in his head...

The whole temple started to shake. Dust sifted from the ceiling and drizzled down Andrews’s neck. Whole blocks shook loose from the wall. Chunks of stone fell from above and shattered the tiles on the floor. Some blocks of masonry smashed to bits, scattering across sections of ruined mosaic. Cracks formed over the frescoes and tore across the walls, whole chunks of thousand year art crumbling away into nothingness.

The temple falling around him, Andrew didn’t bother sticking around for a one liner. He just ran.

As fast as his legs could carry him, the human sprinted full tilt across the chamber. The glowing entrance archway bobbed in his field of vision as he clawed at the air before him, willing himself to go faster. The bo-staff slowed his progress, weighing him down. But his hand refused let go of the thing.

The archaeologist in him wouldn’t allow it.

Before long he launched himself out the way he had entered the temple and he was pounding his way down the hundreds of steps that led down the side of the structure. Boulders bounced their way down after the human, causing him to involuntarily let out a garbled curse-word as he watched some of the crushing projectiles overtake him.

Half-way down, the steps beneath his feet suddenly jerked. They catapulted Andrew straight up and sent the human flying through the air, arms and legs flailing at nothing as he plummeted back towards the earth.

“WhooooaaaaahhhiiiIIIIIcanseemyhousefromheeeeerreeeeeeaaaaaaaahh!” his voice hardly audible over the grinding noise of crumbling masonry as he angled into an un-controllable nose-dive.

A moment later he disappeared into the thick brown clouds of dust choking the foundations of the trembling temple. Geysers of dirt, sand, rock and dust shot into the air, throwing miniature sand-storms around the high temple, completely obscuring it from any eyes that happened to be watching the scene.

The rumbling noise faded into the distance. The crumbling noises halted and the wind picked up again, shifting the brownish mist that hung in the air.

The clouds of dust settled to the ground eventually, revealing a grand space of nothingness where the temple had once been. It had vanished like a typical smoke-and-mirrors trick, swallowed whole by the desert leaving not even a shred of evidence that it had been there. There wasn’t a stir of anything as the rumbling noise died away and silence bathed the badlands once again.

Until a cough...

The bo-staff was erected from the low haze of dust that slowly settled and planted into the ground. Hand-over-hand Andrew pulled himself to his feet along the staff, leaning heavily on it for support as he coughed into the back of his hand. With every hack and splutter a drizzle of sand fell from his clothes or hair.

Pulling off his fedora and shaking it loose, Andrew turned to look back to where the temple had once been.

“Ancient temple rigged with a booby-trap.” He muttered coming to terms with the fact it had vanished entirely. “How did I not see that coming?”

He looked back at the staff in his hand with a deep sigh... that ended in a splutter and a cough as he accidentally inhaled a cloud of dust. At least he wouldn’t be heading back to Ponyville completely empty-handed. Resting the bo-staff over his shoulder the human turned away and started walking.

Not once did he notice the glint of far off sinister eyes watching his every move. The eyes watched the human hike back in the direction of Ponyville, and the creature’s mouth twisted into a disgusted scowl. Soon the eyes looked down to one hand clutching a scroll of parchment tightly before those pupils angled hungrily back in the direction of Andrew Shepherd...

My Little Pony:

Versus Equestria

[Unto the Breach]

Interval 2.1: Public Enemies

The sky was mostly clear, allowing the sun to irradiate the countryside with her burning rays of light. A few light tufts of cumulus hung in the blue sky but did nothing to impede the hot summer morning.

And let me tell you something folks. It was hot!

Rabbit inhaled deeply as he straightened up. Holding his breath with lungs at full capacity, he tested himself thoughtfully. His lungs ached and gave out within a fleeting moment and the breath was released with a dehydrated cough. The dirt on his clothes had dried up and crumbled free every time he moved. Clean tracks of sweat trailed down through the dirt on Rabbit’s face, smeared over again with a wipe of his hand before he dropped back down into the shadow of a fallen log.

Directly beneath him where he had planted his feet along the sloping banks of dry and brittle grass was a small spring. Clean, cool water bubbled up from under a large slab of rock – limestone judging by colour and texture – then flowed down into a boghole alongside the road cutting a clear path through the midst of the Everfree Forest.

Rabbit quickly unscrewed the cap of his canteen and held the vessel in the little stream, waiting patiently for the thing to fill. When it was about three quarts full he held it up again, gave the canteen a light shake and screwed the cap back on.

Rising to his feet again, Rabbit hopped from the banks of the spring and mounted the road again, turning to face a west-facing clearing. Along the edge of the road were tufts of knee-high grass, the spiny stuff usually found in swamps or bogs, indicating wet ground ahead that sloped down into a valley beyond.

Down there, at least a kilometre or two down-valley Rabbit saw a much larger stream of glittering crisp water flowing between the hills and clusters of Everfree trees. That wasn’t the end of the spectacular view though.

Great columns of light blue water rose up from the stream and connected with the source of the great stream winding through the valleys. High above the hilltops, right there in the sky before Rabbit was a city of pasty white marble. It sat atop a foundation of fluffy cloud, stark white and glittering with alluring moisture in the summer sun. Great columns of pure white stone lined the porches and ancient Greek-style archways. Cutting between the marble houses and towers were more rivers that flowed down to the waterfalls that spilled into the light mist that enveloped the Everfree valley.

Several multi-coloured dots drifted and fluttered about the buildings. At first Rabbit thought they might be birds. Squinting, he could make out wings, manes and tails. Pegasus-ponies.

Waking up that morning, Rabbit honestly never could have guessed he would be laying eyes upon such a sight. His hand instinctively moved into his pocket and he pulled out his trusty Nokia. The little battery-indicator still pulsed as if the phone was on a trickle charger. Rabbit wondered whether or not the thing might actually explode.

He opened up the camera-app, lined up the lens and took a reasonable snap of the pegasus city in the sky. If he had a proper camera he would have been able to cut out some of the sun’s glare. But he really didn’t have anything to complain about. At least it wasn’t raining anymore.

To be honest, the weather in Equestria was so changeable that it sometimes reminded Rabbit of the delicate strands of thought that made up the psychology of womankind.

Turning away from the scene worthy of a block-busting animated motion-picture epic, Rabbit moved to where Trixie lay in the shade of the tree-line, his trainers crunching on the dry, sun-baked road. The sharp contrast between the blazing sun and the shade dazzled him for a moment, his eyes straining for a split second to adjust.

“... so... technically it wasn’t your fault.” Rabbit reverted plainly to their previous conversation as he sat in the cool, crisp grass beside her. “Did you willingly unleash an ursa minor on the town?”

“Well... no.” Trixie sighed with a slow roll of her eyes.

“So what’s the problem?” the teenager offered her his canteen.

“The problem is that those two fanboys luring an ursa minor into Ponyville just to see if I could vanquish it pretty much called me on my bluff!” Trixie accepted the bottle and used her magic to undo the lid. “Twilight Sparkle completely up-staged me! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?” she swallowed down a mouthful of spring-water.

Rabbit leaned back on one elbow with some confusion. “Wait, you’re saying you avoid Ponyville because another unicorn up-staged you and you’re embarrassed?”

Trixie looked to her companion and levitated the canteen back to him. “Of course!”

Rabbit just blinked for a moment. “And the fact you were partially the cause for a giant demon-bear nearly flattening the town in question has nothing to do with it?”

“Why should it?” the pony sniffed. “Ponyville’s not my town.”

Suddenly smiling very broadly, Rabbit slowly shook his head and drank his own share. He had to admit, he kinda liked that.

Trixie had been telling Rabbit about her first and final visit to the town of Ponyville.

The Great and Powerful Trixie had rolled into Ponyville once before and made a couple of temporary fans, but more so a couple of neigh-sayers – “The puns! They burn!” Rabbit had cried at that stage of the story. After successfully challenging and beating three of them off her stage she had earned the adoration of perhaps a third of the crowd. Among that crowd were two particular colts.

Her fanboys had been particularly awed by the banishment of the ursa major story she liked to tell. So much so they convinced themselves she could do it again and went into the forest looking for an ursa major for Trixie to do battle with. Unfortunately they found one, in a manner of speaking. In fact they had found an ursa minor – by no means any less terrifying than an ursa major, let me tell you – which began to attack Ponyville in a groggy rage.

One thing I need to tell you about the Great and Powerful Trixie... y’know, in case you’re a lazy reader and haven’t quite picked up on it yet. Trixie was a magician and a showmare through and through. Her magic consisted entirely of parlour tricks, clever light-shows and skilful application of simple telekinetic spells.

To say Trixie was in fact hopelessly unprepared to take a colossal celestial bear mano-a-pony would be a gargantuan understatement. But enough size related synonyms.

Subsequently, Princess Celestia’s number one student and Ponyville’s librarian had single-hoofed taken care of the ‘rampaging monster of doom problem’ with a display of awesome magical prowess.

Shortly after getting an ear-full, Trixie had scampered off in a proud huff – truly a tale for the ‘big book of epic failures.’

Ever since, Trixie had avoided Ponyville like it was home to the plague out of ‘embarrassment.’ Unfortunately she would have to get over herself.

Rabbit was required by Princess Luna, to bring a magical artefact grafted to his wrist before Princess Celestia’s Faithful Student, Ponyville Librarian and Trixie’s Arch-Nemesis, Twilight Sparkle... actually, Rabbit wasn’t bound by any kind of order. He couldn’t care less what the pony princess wanted. He just wanted to know how the hell to get the damn gem off his wrist.

Now some of you may be wondering; “Why on earth would you want to be rid of a badass magical artefact that can materialise objects from your imagination? You could totally pull off a Green Lantern and be an Equestria super-hero!”

Well, aside from the fact Rabbit wasn’t too keen on saving the world; the damn thing came with a catch...

Rabbit flicked out his wrist, and then flexed his hand up and down before glancing at the gem. Neither the straps of brass holding it in place or the gem itself gave anything but a sunny glimmer. He then twisted his arm around and waved it from side to side, pumping his fingers as he tried focusing on something to project magically.

He tried imagining pumping the magic out of him like he might-... whoa, okay, let’s not go there.

So as you may have guessed, the ‘magical’ gem didn’t work on demand. Rabbit couldn’t just call on the awesome power of the gem whenever it took his fancy. Whether it needed time to re-charge, or an incantation to use, the human had no idea. Intimately familiar with Murphy’s Law, Rabbit figured he had probably burned it out on his first and only use against Nightmare Moon.

Trixie giggled, watching Rabbit desperately trying to get the damn thing to do something. A sputter. A blink. Anything!

He tried waving. He tried thrashing. He tried meditation, intense focus and even tried simulating an adrenaline rush. He tried commanding the thing, swearing at the bastard and even talking soothingly to the gorgeous oval of polished white stone... then he resorted to bashing the son-of-a-whore against a rock in frustration when nothing happened.

“Would you give it a rest?” Trixie chortled. “You’re never going to get that thing to work!”

“I will!” Rabbit stubbornly stood his ground, thrashing his left arm around the place hoping that might get the gem to react in some way. “I’ve done it before. I can do it again-...” he suddenly stopped and shifted his eyes to look at Trixie. “You don’t believe me about the giant mallet to destroy Nightmare Moon thing, do you?”

Trixie scoffed. “It’s far-fetched! Heck, pulling a creature from an alternate dimension out of my hat has made me open to new possibilities, but to coin one of your many other-worldly phrases; now you’re just taking the piss!”

Rabbit didn’t stop trying to get a rise out of the gem. “The princess was totally there watching me do it! She commented on my lame-ass one-liner!”

“And Princess Luna has neither confirmed nor denied your ability to manifest objects from your imagination using that little wrist-ornament. Are you sure she didn’t destroy Nightmare Moon for you?”

Grumbling as he gave up, Rabbit bashed the gem against the ground with disappointment. “I’m not crazy.”

“Heh! Yeah, that’s usually the first thing a crazy pony claims.”

“I’m not a pony.”

Trixie lifted her head and gave a deep gasp, eyes widening with mock surprise. “Really!? Trixie hadn’t noticed!”

With a chuckle, Rabbit leaned back again staring at the wrist ornament. He was thinking about how the two of them would walk into Ponyville and was pretty curious about how everypony might react.

He’d bumped into quite a few ponies in their travels, but none had really looked at Rabbit with fear. They mostly considered him as either an uncommonly ugly pony or a curious oddity. But Ponyville would be different. Last time Trixie’s presence had caused something of a crisis. If they saw her escorting an alien creature into town this time... the scenario didn’t end well in Rabbit’s head.

“You think we could get away with avoiding Ponyville?” he suggested. “I prefer when we don’t draw negative attention to ourselves.”

“I don’t think so.” Trixie sighed, resting her chin on Rabbit’s knee. “We’re not only following Princess Luna’s orders, we’re running out of supplies. Nightmare Moon destroyed most of what we had. It’s bad enough we have practically nothing to trade.”

Rabbit scowled at himself. “I should have gone back and grabbed some of that gold from Nightmare Moon’s armoury.”

“The royal guard were all over that place in seconds!” Trixie reasoned. Then she added with a grin: “Besides, I don’t think you’d be able to cross that rickety old bridge again. You’re way too chicken.”

Rabbit rolled his eyes before climbing to his feet and dusting the loose dirt and grass from his clothes. “Go ahead. Keep screwing with me. I got nothing to prove. My ego is huge anyway.” The teenager retorted with humorous suggestion.

Rising to her hooves, Trixie raised her tail and gave her tush a little wiggle, leaning in close to the human with a wink. “Ohh, I really hope so.” She added just as suggestively in a much more husky voice.

That made Rabbit pause a beat. “Uh... what?”

“Nothing~!” Trixie’s grin extended into a smile and they set off in the direction of Ponyville.

However, neither of them noticed a hairy four fingered hand reach out of the bushes and covertly shoe-horn a roll of paper into Rabbit’s backpack...

***[]***

Rabbit remembered back home when he would skip school. Hiding in the bushes, watching anxiously as the truancy officer strolled past looking for him. That thrill of breaking the rules and coming so close to being caught. The dread of what could happen if he did get caught. That high no drug or other artificial substance could substitute.

Although, that dizzy buzz he got the first time he tried smoking had come fairly close... all the tears of pain and dry-coughing aside.

Sitting along the treeline overlooking Ponyville kind of felt like that. Though he didn’t let on to the familiar feeling of dread.

Rabbit was laying prone, arms folded neatly under his chest as he peered through the gap in the bushes. Down-slope the town of Ponyville lay sprawled before him. Top-floor-heavy hatch cottages with oddly angled windows, bowed doors and over-hanging balconies, a popular architectural choice it seemed throughout Equestria. Walking through the busy streets were multi-coloured ponies, going about their happy little lives, ignorant of how close their world had come to ending at the hoof of Nightmare Moon. They were even oblivious to the human and his unicorn companion scoping out their town.

Or was it a unicorn with her human companion?

“So how are we doing this?” Rabbit asked sideways at the pony laying in cover beside him.

Trixie was pulling off her hat and cape, tying her mane back into a pony-tail (no, pun not intended). She shifted her saddle-bags to cover her cutie-marks and then used her telekinesis to pluck the bush-hat from Rabbit’s head. She quickly perched the hat over her own head, hiding her horn and pulling the brim low over her eyes. Already, she looked a little different.

“Let’s just say I may not be very welcome in Ponyville.” Trixie whispered back as she tried her best to scrape the mud out of her fur and pull the twigs from her tangled tail. “We’ll need to be subtle.”

Rabbit huffed. “I’m on first-name basis with subtle... you look stressed.” He added noting the pressured look on the pony’s face.

Trixie shuddered, casting a glance to the mountain perched city of Canterlot. “Ponyville is Princess Celestia’s favourite town! And she must know I’m in the vicinity. If this goes sideways, I’ll be blamed. I’ll be lynched!”

“It scares me how a pretty-little pony knows what a lynching actually is.” Rabbit mumbled.

Trixie just stared for a moment and felt a twitch in her mouth. “You... you think I’m pretty?” she smiled with her heart aflutter for a brief moment.

“Don’t get cute with me, missy.” Rabbit scowled. “So we need to get me to the library without being seen. How?”

“I’ll go in disguised, confront Twilight Sparkle, and she’ll work out a proper escort or something.” Trixie shrugged. “Buck if I know! Look, just sit tight, I’ll be back with a plan before you know it.”

Climbing to her hooves, Trixie burst from the bushes and cantered down the hill towards town. Rabbit remained prone, sighing as she went.

“Yo, bring back some snacks or something!” he called after her. “One more meal of dry crackers and raw veggies and I’ll go mad!”

Trixie didn’t hear him as she crossed an open field of grass and daisies. Soon her scuffed hooves reached the cobbled streets and she was among the buildings, weaving between other ponies. Despite supposed to be keeping her head low, she kept her gaze high, frowning in wonder at some of the new additions to town.

She moved over a level-crossing she was pretty sure wasn’t there her last visit. The damage to the town during the ursa minor incident had been long fixed, and it seemed as though there had been no attack at all.

As she came to the market square, she thought to herself; so far so good. Nopony recognised her, and generally gave her no second glance. She was just a dirty traveller passing through town to get cleaned up and be on their way. The rushed hustle and bustle that consumed the market was perfect cover for her movements. Better than any disguise.

Trixie weaved around an empty market stall and very suddenly slid to a halt. Her eyes popped wide with panic as she suddenly came face to face with an all too familiar pony...

“... so then I told him: darling, really? Does your mother know you are wearing her drapes?” Came Rarity’s voice, tone laced with ladylike sophistication and composed humour.

In reply, the brilliant white unicorn’s yellow Pegasus friend giggled cutely. “Oh, my.” was Fluttershy’s first hushed reaction. “Were they really drapes?”

Rarity giggled too. “While I was merely joking at first, it turned out they were his mother’s drapes.”

The duo laughed before trotting to a halt right in front of Trixie.

Fluttershy was the first to look up and step aside. “Oh, excuse me.”

Rarity didn’t say anything when she looked up. She didn’t budge. She just stared wide eyed straight into Trixie’s face. No amount of matted fur, caked on dirt or practical head-wear would disguise her from familiar eyes at this angle or proximity.

Rarity had been one of the ponies Trixie had up-staged during her initial show in Ponyville. The showmare had made something of a show of the fashionista by using magic to dye her mane grassy-green. Rarity had made a scene.

Oh, buck! She recognises you! A voice in Trixie’s head screamed as a drop of sweat ran down the side of her face. Mission compromised! Bail out, Trixie! Eject-eject!

Rarity’s mouth opened. Here it comes. Trixie braced for rebuke...

“Darling, look at you!” Came the fashionista’s voice. “You look simply dreadful, you poor thing.” Her voice was laced with concern. “What happened?”

Trixie’s face was a blank slate. “... uh.”

“You look simply dreadful.” Rarity continued trotting around Trixie to observe her bedraggled state from every angle. “A lady as pretty as you should never look anything less! You should head to the spa and get cleaned up. Fluttershy and I were just heading there ourselves. Come with us! My treat!”

Trixie broke out of her shocked trance. She’s mad! She looked me straight in the face and she doesn’t recognise me! She quickly shook her head, declining the offer as gracefully as she could.

“Oh, nonono, thank you. It’s very generous, but I couldn’t. So much to do, hehe!” she tried backing off but bumped into something.

Fluttershy was standing between her and sweet freedom, but the Pegasus-pony didn’t seem to notice. She just wore a kind smile, her gorgeous eyes nearly giving Trixie a seizure. “It won’t take long. And you’ll be sooooo relaxed after a nice hot bath.”

Trixie blinked, thinking of a way out of this. Only one thing came to mind. “Well since you put it that wa-sweet Celestia, is that pony dying her mane green!?” she suddenly exclaimed pointing a hoof into the crowd.

Fluttershy jumped back with surprise, squeaking as she buried her head in her forearms. Rarity stood to attention in an instant. There was a fire of insanity blazing in her eyes as she turned her head from side to side to spot the trespasses upon aesthetics.

“Where!?” the unicorn ran into the mass of ponies, her Pegasus friend in fearful tow. “Such a travesty to fashion can-not and will not be committed while Lady Rarity is about!”

The obsessed fashionista’s voice faded under the rouse of conversation filling the air, Trixie chuckling to herself. She seemed quite proud of that. Turning on the spot, the magician was about to continue on to the library.

That was when it hit.

Her hoof landed on a rake and the handle snapped straight up. It made impact with her nose with a loud ‘THWACK!’ What followed was a frustrated shudder from the azure unicorn.

Stepping back, she watched the rake fall back to the ground as she rubbed her sore face. What was a rake doing out there anyway? Her mind could not comprehend the presence of the random gardening implement, so she didn’t bother attempt to rationalise it. She always knew this town was crazy and filled with crazy ponies.

She stepped around the oddly placed trap, grumbling as she trotted onward. “Stupid rake. Stupid town. Stupid...”

‘THWACK!’ her face went numb.

Another rake-pole snapped up out of nowhere and smacked into Trixie’s face. This time there was not a shudder, but an all-out scream of shock. Wall-eyed and confused, the unicorn stumbled backwards.

‘SMACK!’ pain shot through her rear.

She stumbled right back into the first rake. It snapped up under the pressure applied from her rear hoof and smacked her square on the ass.

“Ah~!” Trixie squealed as she threw herself forward with shock.

‘THWACK!’ she had launched herself straight back into the second rake.

Slapstick joy getting on her nerves, Trixie didn’t budge this time. Another disgruntled shudder – as before – shortly before she lashed out with a hoof and knocked the rake out of her way.

That was when she heard laughter. Following it to the source, Trixie found herself looking up at an abnormally low hanging cloud. There, sitting atop the little white marshmallow puff were two ponies. One sky blue with rainbow-colours in her hair, the second hot-pink with a frizzy, poufy mane that made her look like she had been struck by lightning.

Realising their victim had identified them, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie looked at each other before bursting out in a harder bout of laughter.

The greatest boggle in Trixie’s mind at that moment in time was Pinkie Pie. The pink one was an earth-pony. Earth ponies were not supposed to be able to stand on clouds.

But when it came to Pinkie Pie, normal laws of normality need not show up for work.

“Hahaha! Tactical rakes! I love it!” Rainbow Dash laughed.

Trixie actually tried to see what was so funny about placing rakes in the path of unsuspecting ponies. Obviously it wasn’t as funny on the receiving end. She just rolled her eyes and admitted in a plain voice: “You got me... hilarious...”

Rainbow Dash leaned over the cloud some more taking in Trixie’s appearance. She didn’t seem to recognise the magician who had embarrassed her before, and merely chortled at Trixie’s bedraggled look.

“Pfffff... you’re a mess. Here, let me help you out.” the cyan Pegasus shot into the air and returned a second later with a black cloud in her hooves. She positioned it above Trixie’s head, and before the unicorn could stop her, Rainbow Dash gave it a kick.

Several buckets of ice-cold water poured from the drenched Trixie through and through. Her legs spread for balance and her rear slumped to the ground. Her mane and tail hung useless in the puddle that surrounded her and the brim of Rabbit’s bush-hat flopped comically over her face.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie glanced at each other again... and once again burst out laughing.

Trixie grumbled as she picked herself up and walked off as the two pranksters laughed it up. “You two are a public menace.” She mumbled under her breath. As long as they weren’t paying attention, she could just move on and get this over with.

But the familiar faces didn’t end there. An orange earth-pony drawing a cart full of apples gave a nod and tipped her Stetson as she passed. “Howdy-...”

Trixie shouldered past the southern pony and sprinted off in the direction of the library. “Get the buck away from me!” she screamed all the way, ponies leaping out of her path with fright.

Applejack scratched her head through her hat, watching the disguised magician go. “Huh... how rude.”

Trixie managed to ditch the busier part of town and ducked into an empty street. She was close to her target. The library loomed into sight, a might tree near the centre of Ponyville.

She galloped closer, casting an eye up and down the street to make sure she wasn’t being watched. Sliding to a halt with puffs of smoke and dust billowing from her hooves, the showmare ducked into cover under one of the library windows. Slowly she lifted her head and peeked inside...

What she saw made her eyes pop and her voice to squeal with shock before she dropped to the ground. Her limbs were sprawled in a comically awkward fashion as she pressed her back against the library’s bark.

Blinking sharply a few times, Trixie wondered if she was hallucinating. Maybe she had gone mad and she was seeing things! Working up her nerve again, the unicorn reached up and hooked a hoof over the windowsill again. Very slowly she pulled herself up and peeked into the library again.

Inside she saw the little purple dragon, all-round assistant and shameless doormat referred to as ‘Spike.’ That wasn’t what shocked her.

In the centre of the library was Twilight Sparkle, the lavender unicorn who had banished the ursa minor from Ponyville. Again, unimpressive. Look at her. Trixie though to herself squinting at the mage. Perfect little princess. ‘oooh, look at me, I’m Celestia’s greatest pupil. Everyone loves me because I’m such an adorkable virgin who’s into books ‘n crap!’ She scowled as she imitated Twilight Sparkle’s voice in her own head and huffed with anger (ANGER... not jealousy).

But again, that wasn’t what shocked Trixie. It was the one Sparkle was talking to. She was standing in front of someone... yes, that’s right. Someone, not somepony.

There he stood. A human. A human not Rabbit. Another human in Equestria!

Andrew Shepherd was pacing from one end of the library to the other, Spike and Twilight turning their heads to follow him with flustered expressions on their faces as he babbled on excitedly. Gripped in both hands was the bo-staff he’d found, a little longer than he was tall, the badlands grime still clinging to his clothes. He hadn’t even had the opportunity to change yet. He had just walked straight into the library to reveal everything he had discovered.

“... and the architecture! It was so familiar!” Andrew exclaimed, Trixie chiming into the middle of the conversation. “It was like the architecture was inspired by an amalgamation of cultures from my world! Do you know what this means?”

“You’re suffering from heat stroke?” Spike asked picking up on Andrew’s nonsense.

“No, it means ponies and humans have had contact before! Maybe humans visited Equestria before and left the structures behind. Or maybe the temple was built as homage to the human visitors. But why? What did they do that deserved homage?” Andrew babbled. “Unless...! There was this fresco, it kind of looked like a line of humans protecting ponies from danger. Maybe they were knights of some sort...”

“You’re losing me, Andrew.” Twilight interrupted trying to calm her coltfriend down.

“And they were holding weapons!” he held up the pole going on without hearing her. “Weapons that looked like staves. Like this! Think about it! What is the point in a pony making a weapon like this!? How are you supposed to use a bo-staff without hands-...”

“Aaaaand, lost me.” Twilight chuckled finally managing to get his attention and cut him off before tapping her horn. “Telekinesis, remember? How do you think the royal guard use their spears?”

Andrew looked at his discovery a little sheepishly. “Oh... uh... right.”

“Now slow down and get the part that explains why you’re leaking sand all over the library.” Twilight said looking down.

Andrew stopped pacing and looked down to see he had indeed left several trails of sand and dust all over the floor. Something Spike would no doubt have to clean up again. “Oh... uh... sorry. Yeah, the temple kind of collapsed... with me in it.”

Twilight Sparkle’s eyes suddenly popped with worry. “What!? How?”

“I may have, kind of, accidentally triggered a teeny-tiny little trap... that allowed the desert to swallow the temple whole and almost bury me alive.”

The lavender unicorn gaped.

“Oh, hey! Don’t look at me like that.” Andrew added waving his arms innocently. “Look, in my world ancient temples don't have self-destruct buttons. It would make it difficult to do prayers, community gatherings and parties if all it took was a little pressure on a button to drown everyone in sand.”

Twilight suddenly squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her head with a hoof. “Ugh, no! We’ll talk about this later!” she took a deep calming breath and gave a little nod. “Look, we’re running a little bit late. We were supposed to be on our lunch-date ten minutes ago.”

Andrew sighed, standing the bo-staff up against one of the cabinets. “You know you don’t have to stick to the schedule by the second.”

“Of course I do!” Twilight shot back. “If we’re late for our lunch-date, I’ll be late for my next appointment.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. Punctual as ever. He waved her over as he held open the door for her. “Alright, I’ll get changed afterwards then. You joining us, Spike?”

The baby dragon shook his head as he moved outside. “Nah. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie said they needed me for something at the park. Something involving rakes?” he shrugged as he waddled off.

“I’ll just be a second.” The unicorn sang crossing the library to a particular cabinet. “Just have to get changed.”

Andrew frowned. “But we’re late.” Then he frowned even deeper. “And ponies don’t wear clothes.”

“This will just take a second.” Twilight smirked. “And I think you’ll appreciate it.” She levitated down a book marked ‘Twilight’s Journal’ and flipped it to a book-marked page.

After a quick read-through the notes and scribblings, she bit her lip and closed her eyes. A magical aura surrounded her horn, then spread down over her body until her whole being was aglow with a gelatinous energy. Beams of white light burst from her shell of purple and cut across the library, causing Andrew to shade his eyes. Her very form shifted, mutated and warped. Her head changed shape, her legs lengthened out and her spine straightened out.

A moment later Andrew was looking at Twilight’s humanised form. The human girl was about his height, a skin-tone comparable to Andrew’s with long dark purple hair, her trademark pink ‘n purple highlight running from the fringe down to the tail-ends. Her tall skinny form was clad in a white blouse, a lavender checker skirt and knee high socks with inch-heel shoes.

Andrew blinked in amazement. Thus far Twilight Sparkle had only been able to transform into a purple skinned beauty with a horn sticking out of her forehead, clad awkwardly in an abundance of nakedness. Seeing her fully human and clothed was refreshing... but shocking at the same time.

She noticed his gaping expression and giggled, pushing a lock of her hair behind one ear. “I made some refinements to the spell. Rarity helped me design the clothes. She said this outfit was academic to suit my personality, but at the same time provocative while remaining socially agreeable. It, uh-...” she sighed tiredly. “It takes quite a bit more energy to do the spell now. I don’t think I’m going to do any real magic for the next few hours. But I figure temporary vulnerability is worth it.” She smiled. A dazzling, entrancing, glittering smile that turned Andrew to jelly.

“Yeah...” he whispered, following her dumbly as Twilight ducked out of the library. “... strangely okay with that...”

Hand in hand they crossed Ponyville in the direction of the café.

Trixie was dumbstruck, gaping at them as they went. A pony turning herself into a human! That was...

A multitude of words sprang to mind. Amazing! Brilliant! Inspired...! Presenting an opportunity...

Okay, that last one wasn’t so much a word, more of an idea popping into Trixie’s head. A dumb expression plastered her face as the cogs in her brain worked away, ticking and grinding as she tried to process the opportunity this presented. What if she could do that? What if she had Twilight’s journal? She could transform into a human, and then Rabbit...

Rabbit might think of her as more than a friend.

Trixie bit her lip. It was a long shot. But what did she have to lose? After all, she knew damn well Rabbit would always like her. As long as she was a pony, he would only like her. But if she were human?

There were possibilities there. After all, she had just witnessed a human/pony relationship in motion. It could very well work!

Smiling, Trixie ran the plan through her head twice. Satisfied it was fool-proof, she turned and galloped back to where Rabbit was hiding on the edge of town.

***[]***

“And you’re sure you can pull it off?” Rabbit asked a little unsure.

Trixie huffed. “Of course I can. I am the Great and Powerful-...”

“Trixie.” Rabbit finished with a nod. “Got it. Didn’t doubt you for a second. Just checking.”

Rabbit dropped to a knee and shook his backpack to check his survival essentials were secure. Compared to a few days ago, Rabbit was reduced to a half-empty bag, and had been noticing the pack getting lighter over the course of time.

Checking the straps and his climbing-axe were secure, Rabbit held up his hands, wanting to go through the plan once more just to make sure he had it one hundred percent right. “So one more time.”

Trixie sighed explosively with frustration.

Rabbit ignored her. “Twilight Sparkle is Princess Celestia’s pupil. She is the pupil of the most powerful thing in this world. A pupil who as a result studies all sorts of mundane arts and magics, many of which are complicated, difficult to say the least and as a result highly dangerous. And your plan is to steal a spell-book from this pony?”

Trixie nodded.

Rabbit rubbed his eyes. “And this spell-book contains a transfiguration spell you think you can adapt.”

“I know I can adapt it.” Trixie hissed casting her eyes suspiciously up and down the alley. They had made it into the centre of Ponyville without being spotted, to be discovered now because they were sitting ducks would be a waste.

“Fine.” Rabbit sighed holding up his wrist. “What about this little problem?”

“Buck it!” Trixie shrugged. “With that book I’ll try to take it off for you. And if I can’t, we move straight on to Canterlot and see the princesses about it.”

“Fine.” Rabbit sighed again. “And this transfiguration spell you’re after. It does...” he held out a hand, signalling her to elaborate because he had forgotten already.

“It will allow me to transfigure useless things like rocks or twigs into useful, tradeable items like tools or precious stones and such.” Trixie lied unbeknownst to Rabbit. “We can trade for some supplies and we don’t starve.”

The teenager took in the intricacies of the plan and stared into the distance for a while. Trixie had already been through the details of ‘Twilight’s Journal’ and whereabouts he could find it in the library.

Trixie’s plan was sound. She had identified a golden opportunity and marked the target accordingly. Rabbit had to admit, he was very proud of her.

“Alright then.” Rabbit rose with a grin to his feet and produced his sunglasses. “You know your part?”

“Do you?” Trixie retorted teasingly before trotting off to keep watch.

The arms of the sunglasses snapped open with a deadpan flick of the wrist and he slipped them on. “Darlin’, it’s what I do.” he told her before she left earshot.

He rounded the corner to face the library. His right hand shook loose and flexed in anticipation for the breaking and entering about to be done. “It’s what I do.” he whispered to himself once more before closing in on his target.

The Ponyville library was not at all what Rabbit had expected when he first laid eyes upon the building. Oddly placed windows of varying rounded shapes with soft looking leafy green thatch covering off the sills, dotted with pale daisies. High atop the library in a tower hung a balcony with a pony-height guard rail to which a telescope was mounted, the platform serving as something of a makeshift observatory. Another balcony hung to one side, what looked like a beehive hanging from the under-slung supports. The walls were a brown bark-like texture and the building was topped with a thick, foliage roof.

Thinking about it a little harder, Rabbit realised ‘building’ was a bad description as the library was in fact a tree. A tree-house. Not so much a tree with a house in it, but an actual tree. A massive tree, hollowed out, or perhaps even grown specifically to serve its purpose as an archive of knowledge.

Rabbit blinked at it; removing his sunglasses again just to be sure he was seeing that right.

“Yup... that’s some fucking tree.”

He was immediately faced with his first problem. He had never broken into a tree before. Houses, fine. Trees... Rabbit would have never considered in in even a wild acid-induced trip-out that he would ever have to break into a tree. The mind simply boggled and refused to present any idea at first. He blanked, jogging to a halt and staring at the ‘structure.’

It took a full five seconds for his brain to re-boot and his common sense to kick in. It may have been a tree, but it had all the same characteristics of a house. Doors, windows, top floor, bottom floor, etcetera. Scenarios flooded into Rabbit’s mind.

No back door, only a front door. Rabbit thought to himself as he did a quick jog around the perimeter. Front door obviously locked. He tried quickly, just to be sure. It was indeed bolted. He would not be entering the easy way.

The observatory might have least security. Rabbit looked up and scratched the back of his head. Buuuuut, getting up there might be an issue...

His eyes fell upon an arched window to the left. It was almost like a thick branch had been sawn off, leaving a thick stump attached to the trunk which had then been hollowed out and converted into a window. A lamp hanging from the iron-wrought sill squeaked as it swayed gently in the wind, somewhere above it the pane of glass hanging open. It was only open a crack, but it might be enough.

Rabbit glanced around to check the way was still clear and walked over. His fingers worked into the crack and he pulled.

The window swung open and Rabbit smirked. Perhaps this is gonna be easy after all.

Swinging a leg up, he managed to teeter over the sill and launch himself into the library. His heart raced as he considered the possibility of a pony slipping past Trixie and spotting the teenager. He wanted to be inside and out of sight as quickly as possible.

As a result of his rush, Rabbit landed flat-out on the library floor, skidding to a painful halt on the wooden floorboards.

Inside was exactly what Rabbit expected a library to look like. The only thing out of place seemed to be a decorative looking broom-handle standing against one cabinet. Everything else was exactly what he expected. Shelves and books, books and shelves. Cabinets and yet even more books. Colourful spines of hundreds upon hundreds of books glinted with more multi-coloured writing all around, following the curvature of the tree’s outer walls.

Rabbit pushed himself to his feet, identifying the particular cabinet Trixie had been talking about. And there he saw it, a purple spine among the other colourful book-covers with the words ‘Twilight’s Journal’ embossed in the leather.

The only thing between him and his target was a pane of glass.

Rabbit rolled his eyes. “Glass, shmass.” He mumbled to himself, tugging loose his climbing-axe. Who knew how long Twilight Sparkle would be out for? Without Trixie distracting the whole town with a show, Rabbit figured he didn’t have time for subtlety.

He swung the axe around in one hand until the pick-end slammed into the display case.

What followed was like something out of the Looney Tunes. Rabbit went suddenly very rigid, struggling to hold the climbing-axe in both hands as the sudden vibrations jolting through his body caused him to bounce across the library floor. Catching himself as the vibrations dissipated into his limbs, Rabbit shook his head and inspected the glass. He had struck it square with the point of his axe...

To no effect. His fingers ran over the smooth surface. Not a chip, not a dent. Not even a scratch!

“Magical glass.” The teenager sighed. Foiled again.

His eyes fell on a keyhole in the frame of the cabinet. He’d have to make time for searching for the key. So search he did.

Rabbit started systematically with upstairs. The bathroom held no secrets. What looked like a bedroom held wardrobes of all things. Rabbit went through all of them, finding... clothes?

The first drawer he opened he found socks... just socks. All kinds of socks. Tube socks, wolly socks, socks with the non-slip textures on the soles, socks made of cotton. There were long knee-socks, short hoof-socks, some were plain, some were colourful. Striped ones, spotted ones, silky ones resembling tights complete with suspenders.

Rabbit gaped. Why would ponies need clothes? Why would ponies need socks!? It defied logic.

Shuddering, Rabbit slammed the drawers shut and pulled open a cabinet. He frowned at more clothes. He had seen Trixie wearing a cape and hat, he’d seen the odd pony wear slippers on their hooves or have a little aesthetic shirt collar with a tie around the neck. But this was getting a little ridiculous.

The dress hanging before him could only have belonged to Twilight Sparkle. A full on party-dress.

A dark night sky blue dotted with cartoonish jewel stars, a high, backswept collar and a shining and glittering star adorning the breast. It was about as grand as Rabbit imagined pony costumes could go. It did look worse for wear though.

The jewels were scuffed, the collar was torn, the edges frayed and a point had broken off the star emblem. It was like Twilight Sparkle had worn the thing... then proceeded to get involved with a fight between a lawnmower and a litter of very angry kittens.

Rabbit pushed the dress aside with the audible scrape of metal clothes-hangers piercing his ears. He inspected the back of the wardrobe. Once again the teenager found himself frowning with surprise.

There it hung, a saddle. A horse saddle, the type of things knights or jockeys would mount on their horses before riding. Only this thing was not the hardened plastic and leather one would expect to find. Oh, no. It was pony sized. It had a fluffy little strap, a silky, luscious red finish and kinky looking pink frills.

Rabbit’s mouth fell open as he came to the slow realisation he was looking at the pony equivalent of a sexy corset. He had stumbled upon a ‘treasure’ likely unseen by other human eyes. He had stumbled upon pony-lingerie.

Stifling a chuckle after his ‘fruitless’ search for anything resembling keys in the bedroom, Rabbit made his way back downstairs. He rummaged through several of the shelves, pulling down recently disturbed books and yanking open dressers. On one dresser in particular he accidentally pulled a drawer out completely, letting it fall noisily on the ground sending its contents scattering over the floor.

Cursing to himself, Rabbit considered cleaning up, but thought the better of it. There might not be much time left. He pulled open the last drawer hoping to find anything key-shaped. If not, he’d have to try ripping the display case’s doors off by the hinges. But who was to say they weren’t magic hinges?

Hands rifling through the final drawer, Rabbit’s heart suddenly stopped.

An audible click sounded from the front door and the latch opened. The door swung open, spilling rays of natural light into the library, casting a long shadow over the wooden floorboards. A figure ducked to enter, then strode into the tree-house...

Andrew Shepherd scratched his chin as he glanced around the room. “Now where did I leave my wallet?” He started before his eyes fell on a pile of books discarded at the foot of a bookshelf. He was then drawn to the scattered contents of a drawer laying all over the floor and more piles messy piles of books. “Huh... that can’t be right.”

There was no way Twilight would have left the library in such a state. She was a perfectionist when it came to her library, and she’d literally freak if she saw this mess. Besides, he had just been in the library and didn’t remember leaving it in a neglected state.

His eyes widened at the explanation for the mess that stood before him. The explanation – hands still buried in the drawer looking for keys – looked right back, eyes a similar wide shape of shock.

Andrew and Rabbit stared at each other for what seemed like hours. Strangers to each other, they couldn’t fathom each other’s existence at that time. For the second time in the hour Rabbit felt his brain go into complete meltdown. Both had been convinced they were the only humans in Equestria. They had known that as a fact. No other pony had ever mentioned meeting another human, there had been no news on the subject. There had been no reason to believe there were other living, breathing humans in Equestria at all.

It was as if they were both heads of the church when Charles Darwin boldly strode up and donkey punched God in the face with evolution theory. An instinctual ignorance kicked in and both were convinced they were hallucinating.

All of the above aside, for some reason the first curiosity popping into Rabbit’s mind was; “Has this guy seen Twilight Sparkle’s kinky saddle? Or better yet, has he seen her wear it?”

None of the universe’s wisest entities could give us a straight answer as to why this was the first question on Rabbit’s mind.

“Hi.” Andrew started.

“Hi.” Rabbit returned.

The awkward pause between them lasted a moment before both realised they were sane and sober.

Andrew opened his mouth again. “What’s up?”

“Nothin’ much.” Rabbit shrugged.

“What are you up to?”

“Would you believe me if I said nothing?” the teenager inquired.

Andrew shook his head. “Nope.”

“Ah.” Rabbit’s eyes flitted down to the pistol on Andrew’s hip, then he looked down at his hands in the dresser. He tried to imagine what it may have looked like to the other human. Most likely it looked like Rabbit had been caught with his hand in the cookie-jar.

He looked back to the gun. A cold shiver ran down his spine and his gut clenched. A few droplets of sweat immediately prickled on his forehead as Rabbit felt his heart-rate skyrocket. Where there were guns, death quickly followed. And to be honest, it scared the piss out of the human.

“Would you shoot me if I said I was doing exactly what it looks like I’m doing?” he asked with a noticeable tremble in his voice.

Andrew followed Rabbit’s glance, then shrugged. That translated into a ‘most likely’ in Rabbit’s book.

Rabbit gave in to his nature and leapt before looking. By this I mean of course he pulled the drawer he was going through clean out of the dresser and hurled it directly at the other human in the room.

The contents were thrown around the library in an explosion of random stuff. Bits of parchment, a few ink bottles and quills were launched in a spray of litter... followed very quickly by a wooden drawer spiralling through the air.

“Whoa!” Andrew ducked and the object soared over his head like a spinning comet trailing a tail of random junk. By the time he straightened up and looked back at the trespasser, Rabbit lashed out with a kick.

It wasn’t aimed at Andrew though. The teenager swept his foot around and hooked the long red pole standing up against a nearby bookshelf. His knee immediately coiled up to his chest and the bo-staff was launched into his hands before the human threw himself on Andrew, swinging the weapon without style or grace, but with pure intent to incapacitate.

Rabbit’s first impression to be laid on the fellow human was a bo-staff hurtling with terminal velocity at his face.

There were about a thousand different things wrong with that first impression. Rabbit realised this of course, shortly before realising that he cared little for first impressions, especially when compared to his desire for not being shot in the face by what could very well be a gun-wielding maniac.

The feeling was of course mutual for Andrew. He suddenly cared very little for first impressions and cared much more for the structural integrity of his face. That fleeting sense of selfish self-preservation made him feel a tinge of guilt as his hand moved to his firearm. But with a bo-staff flying directly at his head, Andrew’s primal human instinct overruled rational thought.

Of course, had he managed to bring the gun to bear, he wouldn’t have shot the teenager in the face. Maybe into the ceiling just to scare his attacker off. Unfortunately his instinct wasn’t fast enough, and the pole careening at him made contact.

The pole slammed into the gun’s mid-section. The trigger mechanism released from the sudden hard impact as Andrew’s entire arm was thrown sideways with the jolt. The flint-lock mechanism snapped shut and a spark struck the gunpowder. There was an explosion that spat fire from the muzzle of the wood and steel weapon. A ball-bearing followed, scything through the air past Rabbit and slamming into a wooden wall with an audible ‘tchock!’

Though it was hardly audible, the gunshot left both humans dazed and partially deaf. Rabbit had leapt sideways, one hand clutching his heart in a panic. His eyes glazed over as he saw his life flash before his eyes.

The gun in the meantime had been thrown across the room and out of arm’s reach.

“Son of a bitch!” Rabbit screamed with a shaky voice realising the bullet hadn’t hit him.

Andrew held up his hands defensively. “Okay, that was a-...”

Rabbit wasn’t listening. “Son of a bitch!” he screamed louder again before stepping forward.

The bo-staff was in two hands, cocked and swinging towards Andrew’s face. Somewhere in the back of his head, Andrew heard a curse-word uttered as his arms were raised to defend himself. At that proximity there was hardly any space to evade.

Andrew braced himself...

And the pole just bounced right off. It was like he was protected by a shield of jelly, the pole seemed to strike his arms but there was no impact. Instead there was a ‘sproing’ noise that reverberated through the bo-staff and the weapon was launched clear. Rabbit with it.

The teenager let out a surprised cry, stumbling in a desperate attempt to catch the jumping staff and maintain his balance. Andrew couldn’t explain it, looking at his unharmed forearms. It was as if the bo-staff had said:

“Nope, I’m not gonna harm this guy.”

Rabbit couldn’t explain it either, though he was much more preoccupied with not becoming hug-buddies with the floor.

Andrew saw an opportunity and leapt on it... quite literally. He threw himself onto Rabbit, locked both hands around the shaft of the bo-staff and tried to wrestle it from the teenager’s grip.

Rabbit didn’t stop though. He fought back.

“Alright, time-out!” Andrew cried trying to pry the pole from Rabbit’s hands.

Rabbit flexed with the motion, simultaneously stomping on Andrew’s toes with his heel. As the human yelped in pain, Rabbit was given the opportunity to pull back and throw Andrew off balance again.

“Screw you!” the teenager yelled. “You shot at me!”

“It was an accident!” Andrew cried honestly, and was interrupted by Rabbit’s knee driving into his gut.

“Accident, my ass!”

Coughing off the feeling he might up-chuck his lunch, Andrew tried to straighten up and twist the bo-staff away from Rabbit. The motion was futile. Rabbit already had the upper hand and wasn’t pulling any punches. The teenager’s forward foot pulled back, and then darted forward again. He hooked his heel into the back of Andrew’s knee and swept sideways, throwing the human backwards.

Crying out, Andrew hung inches from landing flat on his back, struggling to find his footing and applying his weight on the end of the bo-staff that struck the ground beside them.

Distracted as he realised he was losing, Andrew turned his head to look where his gun had landed. Rabbit took the opportunity and drove the pole forward. The mid-section of the shaft slammed into the side of his face and threw Andrew heavily into the ground. His hands slipped from the pole and Rabbit jumped back holding the weapon in two hands, intending to strike again with one of the rounded ends aimed for the face.

Andrew shook off his daze and grabbed the far end as Rabbit pulled back to strike. It was futile, Andrew thought to himself. The intruder was winning. He needed an upper hand. Something to help him out. Some kind of deus ex machina. Something to...

Even as he thought it, the pole suddenly extended.

“W-wha-...” Rabbit didn’t even get to finish his sentence.

He had been holding on to one end of the pole as if it were the hilt of a sword. Andrew had been holding the other end and they had been playing a rather merciless rendition of ‘tug-a-rope.’ Next thing he knew, the pole doubled in length in Rabbit’s direction.

The stumped end of the bo-staff slammed into Rabbit’s gut, just under his sternum and threw him clear of the ground, launching him across the library. Andrew watched in slow motion with wide, surprised eyes as the teenager flailed his arms, clawing at the air in a hope to slow his flight.

He made contact with a window and smashed clean through, sending a plethora of glittering shards spraying outward. A moment later Rabbit disappeared completely from view.

Andrew slowly averted his gaze down to the bo-staff that weighed practically nothing in his hands. The obscenely long pole suddenly shrank to its normal size.

Using it as a support, Andrew climbed to his feet and felt a jolt of excitement grip his chest.

“Haha!” he cried, having known it all along in his gut. “I knew it! I knew this staff looked familiar. Ruyi Jingu Bang, exactly as it was out of Journey into the West! The magical pole that could extend and shrink at the will of Sun Wukon, obtained from the undersea palace of the Dragon King of the East Sea...”

“That’s great!” Rabbit’s pained interruption called. “Just great!”

“Oh... crap... uh... are you okay?”

Rabbit groaned somewhere out of sight as Andrew slowly approached the shattered window. “Yeah.” Came the teenager’s voice. “My ego broke the fall.”

Andrew inquisitively leaned over the windowsill, brushing away a few shards of broken glass as he tried to spot where Rabbit had landed. “Sorry about tha-... whoa!”

Two hands reached through the broken window and grabbed Andrew. They pulled very suddenly, dragging the man clean through the window and out into the street. Before he could even figure out which was way up, Andrew found himself flat on his back, looking at Rabbit standing over him.

Rabbit’s foot suddenly swept round in a kick that hooked up the bo-staff and plucked it from Andrew’s hand. The weapon was sent bouncing across the road before it thudded into a grassy verge growing up the side of the next building like some kind of miniature garden.

Rabbit grabbed two hands of Andrew’s shirt and heaved him up with some effort. Before Andrew even realised what was happening, he felt something cold, hard and quite obviously made of steel slam painfully into the side of his head.

Stumbling back, he gripped his head where the object hit him and rubbed at the painful area. Blinking away the double vision and looking up he saw the teenager gripping a climbing-axe in one hand. He had obviously hit the Ponyville resident human with the flat end of the hook-shaped pommel at the base of the axe.

“Ow!” Andrew articulated several moments too late. “What was that for?”

“You threw me out the window!” Rabbit accused loudly.

“Yeah, but I apologised!”

“You. THREW! Me. Out. The. Fucking. WINDOW!” Rabbit balled his hands into fists and tried his best to contain his anger, pouting like an upset child.

“And you dragged me out the same window!” Andrew shot back.

Rabbit pointed at the other human with his climbing-axe before quickly composing himself in a moment’s notice and nodding confidently. “You know what? Yeah. I’m going to hit you again. I don’t know if I’ll stop. Hold still.”

Rabbit moved closer, preparing for another right hook. As he closed in, Andrew glanced around.

“Um...” his eyes first fell on the bo-staff, but it was laying too far away. “Em...” he patted his pockets before his hands fell upon his tool-belt. Twisting around, he grabbed something from one of the back pockets and twisted back holding out a small hand-shovel.

Rabbit stopped in his tracks, blinking at the trowel.

“Really? You’re coming at me with a fucking gardening tool?”

“It's not a gardening tool,” Andrew defended. “it's an archaeological tool.”

Rabbit scoffed, glancing down to Andrew’s knees. “Tell that to your pussy-ass knee-protectors.”

Andrew followed the glance to realise he was still wearing the hardened plastic pads to assist when kneeling for kneeling in uncomfortable ruins for extended periods of time. “Archaeology kneepads! BITE ME!”

Rabbit rolled his eyes before attacking. He swung his weapon in a wide arc, aiming the rounded pommel for the top of the head.

Andrew avoided it with a duck to one side. Rabbit adjusted the angle of his grip and swung outward again, horizontally for the temple this time. Again, Andrew avoided with a duck, backwards this time.

As Rabbit recovered, Andrew glanced at Rabbit, then at his trowel. It was a fairly sharp weapon, maybe not sharp enough to break skin though. He could safely strike Rabbit with it without doing too much damage.

So he aimed for the top of Rabbit’s head and swung the flat end of the trowel straight down. Rabbit saw it coming and crossed his forearms high, catching Andrew by the wrist. He forced Andrew off balance with a sneaky kick to the shins, then re-directed the trowel down to his side. The climbing-axe scythed down, just about shaving a few hairs off the back of Andrew’s hand before the weapon hooked into a notch on the hand-shovel. The trowel was pulled clean out of Andrew’s hand before Rabbit turned his own weapon over and slammed it smoothly into the holster on his pack.

Both hands free, Rabbit locked one hand around Andrew’s wrist and punched the man in the crook of his elbow. Twisting his arm upward, Rabbit managed to smack Andrew in the face with his own hand.

“Quit hitting yourself.” Rabbit spat. “Quit hitting yourself.”

“Quit it – quit it – quit it!” Andrew cried like a kid being picked on by a schoolyard bully.

His free hand reached back and he felt his hands close over something in his tool-belt. Andrew quickly pulled it free and drove the bristles of one of his brushes into his attacker’s face.

A couple of weeks’ worth of badland sand and dust exploded in Rabbit’s face, snaking up into his nostrils and stinging the teenager’s eyes. He sneezed. Loudly. Seriously, Rabbit seriously though his eyeballs might pop out of their sockets – that was how hard he sneezed. It was almost enough to launch him clean off his feet like some sort of cartoon character.

As Andrew slipped free of his grip,Rabbit blindly lashed out with a punch. Luck was on his side for the moment, as he felt his knuckles make contact just above Andrew’s face. With an ‘agck!’ escaping his lips, Andrew took a few steps back, gripping his forehead. Rabbit on the other hand was sneezing and spluttering, struggling to get the dust out of his face.

“Sunovabitch!” He swore, looking up and realising Andrew was recovering.

With a gritted jaw he stepped closer, drawing his climbing-axe free again before swinging it round with the intent of slamming the pommel into the human’s head again. Andrew saw it coming and looked at his bo-staff.

In his mind he figured this fight would go a lot better if he had that staff in his hands. In response – much to his shock – the pole jolted, rolling a little closer.

“No...” he muttered to himself.

Regardless his hand outstretched for the weapon, and he willed it to come to him. A moment later, in a flash of red and gold the bo-staff flew from where it lay directly at Andrew. It was like he had it attached to his wrist by an elastic band, it cleared the distance between them in a split second and settled comfortably in the palm of his hand.

Andrew immediately turned the staff over and whirled around, holding his vertically between him and the incoming axe.

The steel of the pommel made contact with the bo-staff with a ‘clan-ng-g-g’ that carried a shudder through Rabbit’s arm and threw him back. Wind-milling his arms for balance, Rabbit quickly swung the climbing-axe around and hooked the steel pick over the shaft of the bo-staff. Andrew felt Rabbit’s weight tug on the weapon and he angled it forward, letting Rabbit fall backwards with sparks erupting from the pick as the steel climbing-axe slid over the magical staff.

The split second of support had given him some time to react through, and twisting around, Rabbit managed to catch himself, standing leaned a little backwards with the end of the bo-staff pointed squarely in his face. He sniffed sharply, realising the pole was millimetres from breaking his nose like an overripe tomato.

“Get that fucking thing out of my face.” Rabbit snapped.

Andrew shrugged almost casually. “It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.”

Rabbit narrowed his eyes sarcastically in prompt response. “Get what’s in your hand, out of my face.”

The teenager shoved the bo-staff to one side. In an instant he threw himself closer to Andrew, whirling around at the same time. His free hand lashed out in a fist, knocking the bo-staff completely clear with a backhand. His climbing-axe simultaneously swung for the head, forcing Andrew to abandon ground and duck to one side. The vicious bladed point of the axe scythed several centimetres too much to the left as Andrew moved clear of the weapon, dragging the pole with him.

Aiming the bo-staff, Andrew’s face contorted into an expression of concentration. He had to focus. If he was going to prevent any harm coming to himself or the other human he would have to end this fight as quickly as possible. Unfortunately is seemed his new ‘friend’ wasn’t too keen on talking.

He had to fight fire with fire. So he willed the bo-staff to extend.

At the same time he bellowed at the top of his lungs. “... IRON-IRON PISTOLLLL!”

Rabbit blinked. “... what.”

The pole extended and the rounded end slammed into Rabbit’s shoulder. The blow knocked the wind out of him, but didn’t knock him down. It made him twist to one side as he tried to stay on his feet. By the time the pole had shrunk back down to normal size however, Andrew had already whirled around. He span right around on one heel like a clumsy sort of armed, archaeological ballet-dancer. The bo-staff swished in response, spinning a full three-sixty-degrees. The pole slammed hard into the back of Rabbit’s legs, sweeping them right out from under him.

He landed with a heavy ‘plof,’ dazed and completely flabbergasted. Andrew stood confidently over the teenager, bo-staff aimed down at Rabbit.

“W-what?” Rabbit cried, too stunned to even climb to his feet. “What the fuck was that!? Why would you name your attack ‘iron-iron pistol’?”

“Yeah? My attack, my name.”

“And why name your attack anyway? I mean, I have witnessed some nerdy things in my life but that...” Rabbit was stunned, though not stunned enough to prevent a disappointed shake of his head. “Oh, man.” He added in a hushed tone that oozed with pure shame.

Andrew gaped for a moment. “... shut up!” he wasn’t going to let Rabbit’s backtalk get to him. Thus far, his tactic seemed to work. As long as he made the most of the magic contained within that bo-staff, the other human may not be able to lay so much as a finger on him.

Rabbit lashed out with his climbing-axe, knocking the staff out of his face before rolling smoothly to his feet. At the exact same time, Andrew adjusted his grip on his weapon and took a deep breath, aiming the awkward pole like a rookie might aim a rifle.

Rabbit sighed tiredly, almost predicting what was going to happen next.

“IRON-IRON... MACHINE GUN!”

“Machine gu-...? wait, what?” There are few things in the universe more unsettling than being told ‘you are about to experience horrible pain.’ And then said promise being actually delivered upon...

The bo-staff extended and retracted in quick succession, delivering more strikes than Rabbit could count. Each and every one hit their mark on his torso.

A jab in his shoulder knocked Rabbit to one side before a blast in the kidney threw him back. Dust burst in animated clouds from the soles of his trainers as he slid to a halt only to have the staff smack him in the stomach, then ‘twack’ him across the side of the head. Spinning away, Rabbit tried to hold up his arms to defend himself...

And then came the obligatory nut-cracker. Pain screamed its way up through Rabbit’s gut as his eyes popped comically. Doubling over, Rabbit dropped back onto his butt, cringing painfully.

“Fucker...” the teenager wheezed until a soft ‘bop’ to the face snapped his head back and sent some birds twittering around in his field of vision.

Another blow aimed for his chest as Andrew moved in with the intent of keeping Rabbit pinned. This one missed however and slammed into the ground beside the teenager. Acting quickly he wrapped his hand around the pole and the staff retracted, pulling the teenager to his feet and launching him forward.

“IRON-IRO-... WHOA, CRAP!” Andrew instinctively recoiled at the sight of the incoming human body. It was little too late though.

Like an academic-seeking missile, Rabbit slammed headlong into the other human, tackling him head over heels and pinning Andrew to the ground.

“STOP SHOUTING YOUR ATTACKS!” Rabbit cried, slamming the point of his climbing-axe into the ground to amplify his point.

The bo-staff very suddenly shrank down into a handheld baton. “MAKE ME!” he cried as Andrew slammed the baton into the side of Rabbit’s head.

Laying there with a hand clutching his hand and watching Andrew heave himself to his feet, Rabbit came to a dreadful realisation.

I’m getting my butt kicked. It didn’t really surprise him. Not only was Rabbit more of a sneaky bastard who relied on deception and morally questionable ethics to get by in life, he wasn’t much of a stand up fighter. His battle with Nightmare Moon had been clumsy at best. This fight was a fucking disaster.

Time to bail.

With a cry, Rabbit kicked off the ground and spun around on his hip. His leg kicked into the back of Andrew’s knees and knocked him back to the ground. Taking advantage of the other human’s surprise, Rabbit forced himself to his knees and started running, holstering his climbing-axe on the move. It didn’t matter what direction he picked. Rabbit just wanted to get away. Any direction, any place, anywhere but there was fine.

“Hey, hey!” Andrew cried as he struggled back to his feet to give chase. “Wait! Wait!”

Rabbit didn’t listen. He ducked around the nearest corner he could find in an attempt to break line of sight. He followed the next street, casting a glance over his shoulder to see the other human was running after him. Rabbit quickly lowered into a sprint, pushing himself as fast as he could into the next street, again trying to break line of sight. If he had spent a little less time playing Assassin’s Creed and took an actual practical interest in free-running – or maybe even normal running for that matter – maybe he would have known how to mount the buildings and escape across the rooftops.

Having said that, even if he was able, Rabbit was already dizzy, tired and sporting a beautifully painful rainbow of bruises. Running across rooftops was maybe not a great idea.

He suddenly found himself on the edge of town, between him and the forest treeline there seemed to be a building almost like a church. Bright red and decorated with pink heart-shaped window arches and golden swirls reminiscent of honey-suckle patterns. Perched atop the ceiling was a tower home to some kind of bell. Outside was a flagpole waving a bright red triangular flag and a low picket fence.

Rabbit leapt over the fence and charged for the door. With luck nobody would see him enter.

No such luck. Rabbit was in such a panic to get out of sight he completely missed the fillies and colts who were playing outside under the supervision of the town’s resident teacher, Cherilee.

Shocked at the sight of a human that was not Andrew, the young ponies squealed and ducked to cover as he ploughed right through the midst of them. Cherilee let out a startled cry, but the teenager didn’t react, leaping up the front steps and diving through the open doorway.

Meanwhile, panting and wheezing, Andrew was hot enough on his heels to see Rabbit disappear into the schoolhouse. With a deep inhale through the nose, he broke into his second wind and followed.

“Andrew.” Cherilee started as the human ran past her. “What is-...”

“Can’t talk! Subduing a nutcase!” Andrew answered shortly before he disappeared into the school after Rabbit.

Entering the schoolhouse, Andrew saw Rabbit mantle onto the teacher’s desk and slide across the surface, knocking over books and jars of quills as he went. He landed smoothly on the opposite end of the room and immediately threw himself sideways into the closest window.

Andrew seriously thought the teenager would break through and escape into the nearby woods never to be seen again. In all honesty, that was Rabbit’s exact plan. Unfortunately he didn’t break through the glass.

He bounced right off and collapsed into a groaning heap.

Andrew chuckled, suddenly remembering something. Doubling over he leaned his knees and caught his breath. “Hehe. Yeah, the ponies were constantly breaking windows when they played kickball, so Twilight enchanted the schoolhouse’s windows to be unbreakable.”

“Peachy.” Rabbit groaned.

A moment later a jolt of adrenaline surged through his veins. He realised he was boxed in and jumped to his feet. He grabbed the first thing that was within arm’s reach. In one corner on a table there seemed to be a chemistry set. There were a few labelled jars with pony names written on them. Science projects no doubt.

One particular jar held a clear viscous looking liquid, and was labelled ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders.’ It being the closest, Rabbit grabbed it and cocked his arm ready to throw the jar at Andrew. He didn’t know what was in the jar, he didn’t care either. If it was corrosive – or explosive – that would be a bonus.

“Leave me alone!” Rabbit yelled. It was clear to him at this point maybe Ponyville’s resident human wasn’t trying to kill him per-se. And the reason for chasing him? Well there was only one reason he might be chasing after the teenager. “I’m not going to fucking pony-prison, alright?”

“Alright, cool down.” Andrew said, putting his bo-staff down and holding out his hands to indicate he was no threat. “Look, don’t care what you were doing in the library, alright? Just... c’mon, buddy. Put the jar down.”

Rabbit swallowed, wondering if he was telling the truth about not caring for the teenager’s breaking and entering. But in case he was... quick, change the subject. “How the fuck are you here?” he suddenly snapped, catching Andrew by surprise. “I thought I was the only human around!”

Andrew nodded. “Same here, dude! I haven’t seen another human in... yonks!” he smiled as a friendly gesture. “Until today, I thought I was the only human in Equestria. Where did you come from? Who are you? How did you get here?”

Rabbit tossed the jar in his hand straight up and caught it again. “I’ve been in Equestria for months.” He snapped, ignoring the questions. “I’ve been from Stalliongrad to Damanescus, and never caught a hint of another human in Equestria. And now I meet one in fucking Ponyville? If this is some kind of weird pony mind-fuck trick...”

“Easy there.” Andrew quickly said. “Look, there’s obviously something going on here. It’s obviously bigger than our egos, so... why don’t you put down the jar of potentially dangerous chemicals? Come back to the library, we can work this out... peacefully.”

Rabbit’s eyes narrowed.

“Or we could keep fighting. Locked in a pointless battle that goes nowhere and answers none of the important questions.” Andrew shrugged picking up his bo-staff again. “See where that takes us.” He added.

Rabbit set his jaw. He hated to admit it, but he had to agree. This was going nowhere. But it was kind of a shock to the system, spending months at a time with just ponies and all of a sudden there’s another human in the flesh standing before him. And if he hadn’t reacted so strongly maybe the guy wouldn’t have pulled his gun in the first place. But there were some fear induced instincts he simply could not fight.

Just thinking of the weapon made Rabbit shiver again. Despite that, he nodded. “Fine. I’m done.”

Andrew let out a relieved sigh seeing they were actually getting somewhere. “Alright... good. C’mon, let’s get back to the library and we can talk.”

It was over. They were done fighting. Rabbit hated to admit it; he had gotten his ass handed to him. And not even by that bo-staff. He’d just been diplomacied into submission. It was ridiculous. He wasn’t beaten by sticks or stones, but words. It very suddenly frustrated the hell out of him.

“Oh, fuck this planet.” Rabbit spat hurling the jar across the room in no particular direction. He had just intended it to bounce and roll off into a corner. It wasn’t a throw of malice or intent to harm. Just a teenager pouting over his defeat, because – let’s admit it – humans are built with a protocol that triggers anger or frustration when we lose.

The jar shattered, spreading the liquid over the wooden floor. At first there was a smouldering noise with wisps of black smoke spitting into the air. The floorboards suddenly crackled and the wood burst into flame. The fire spread over the floor and caught on to the nearby desks. Books and notebooks withered. Some hoof-made puppets and other art-projects burst into fire, writhing and twisting as the merciless inferno consumed them.

The fire showed no signs of quitting as smoke filled the space around them and the flames set onto the ceiling rafters.

Rabbit and Andrew looked at each other.

“Oh, fuck!”

“My thoughts exactly.”

It didn’t really matter who said what. In that particular scenario it could go either-or.

The door exploded open and both humans ran out of the structure and into the open, coughing and choking on the thick black smoke filling the air. The flames crawled up over the walls of the schoolhouse and swallowed the building whole. The structure failed and the house crumpled, imploding in on itself. With every jolt causing the school to spit a thousand glowing sparks into the air.

Andrew and Rabbit turned to observe. Rabbit visibly winced as the roof caved in with a groan that could only be described as the schoolhouse itself letting out a wail of burning agony.

“Well I didn’t expect that to happen.” Rabbit sighed honestly.

Andrew suddenly glared and exploded much like that jar of napalm had. “Well what the hell did you expect to happen?” Rabbit had just single handed wrecked the library interior and burned down the Ponyville school! The human’s hands shook as he tried to channel his anger for the teenager into words.

Words failed him this time and he swung his bo-staff around, slamming it into the top of Rabbit’s head.

Gripping his poor crippled skull moments after impact, Rabbit dropped to the ground, wall-eyed with little yellow birdies and stars flying around his head. “AAAAARGH!!! MY BRAIN!”

“Whoa, crap.” His disposition changed from angry to worried, Andrew quickly dropped the staff and lowered to a knee to see if Rabbit was okay. Squirming and screaming profanities aside, he didn’t seem to be broken. “I didn’t mean to hit you that hard! Sorry, sorry...”

***[]***

The double vision had passed over time. Shaking the bag of frozen peas in one hand, Rabbit contemplated the pain and swelling to come before he gritted his teeth and slapped the makeshift ice-pack onto the top of his head. The bo-staff hadn’t made a dent in his skull – despite the fact if felt like it had – but it had definitely left its mark.

Rabbit’s hiss was heard across the library as he sat there, quite literally sucking up the pain as best he could. He was surprised that other human hadn’t broken the bo-staff in two across his poor battered head. He wished the damn thing had broken. Then at least Rabbit would have had a ‘ha, fuck you’ moment.

Now all he could do was sit there and glare at the human sitting on the far end of the library. Andrew stared right back at Rabbit, his pistol visibly holstered, one hand holding a similar ice-pack to Rabbit’s against the side of his face.

Rabbit’s left hand was extended across the table in the centre of the library where Twilight Sparkle sat inspecting the device through some kind of head-mounted monocular device. She was scanning the gem with waves of her magic and jotting down notes on a scroll enthusiastically.

Apparently she had received a letter from Princess Celestia explaining that a human would be visiting her about a gem stuck to his hand. She had been prepared to receive a visitor with a magical artefact attached to him, but not a visitor of Rabbit’s kleptomaniacal persuasion.

Trixie sat quietly, and nervously over in one corner beside an irritated Spike who was sweeping up the mess that littered the library.

Andrew shifted his ice-pack. “Why did you attack me?”

“You have a gun.” Rabbit glared.

“You don’t like guns?”

“That’s between me and guns.” Rabbit ended the discussion there as he cast Trixie a quick glare too. “Nice work keeping watch by the way.” he added.

“I was keeping an eye out for Sparkle.” Trixie hissed back. “I thought she would deal a worse flank-kicking than the human. Let’s be honest, he does look a lot more spineless than he is.”

“Hey, I’m sitting right here.” Andrew snapped.

Trixie seemed unfazed by this and looked at him with her head held high. “Trixie is aware of this fact.” She sniffed smartly.

That made Rabbit smirk before he turned his glare back to Andrew, taking the bag of frozen peas off his head. “Who are you anyway?”

Andrew scoffed. “Who are you?” he demanded.

“I asked you first.” The thief whined.

“I have a gun, remember?” Andrew reminded.

“Rabbit.” The newcomer in Ponyville said very quickly. “Call me Rabbit. Everypony in Equestria does. I suppose that ought to extend to people too.”

Andrew then turned his head to the azure pony. “And you?”

“Why, I am the Great and Powerful Trixie!” she turned her head and eyed Twilight Sparkle suspiciously. The lavender unicorn didn’t seem to notice. “Trixie wonders why Sparkle hasn’t informed you of my greatness yet.”

Spike noticed Trixie eying Twilight and rolled his eyes. His hand was held up and mimicking lip-movements as if to say ‘yeah, yeah, keep on yappin’, you crazy pony.’

Andrew wasn’t paying attention. He was somewhat lost in thought, tapping his chin with a wide smirk plastered across his face. “Rabbit and Trixie... hmmm. There’s a joke in there somewhere.”

Rabbit grumbled. “I swear. One breakfast cereal reference and I will-...” – Andrew patted his pistol – “Throw myself into your sights so hard, shooting me would be a piece of cake... and then you’d be sorry!” the gun was lowered and Rabbit let out a discreet sigh of relief before working up the nerve to speak again. “So you know who I am now, you have me at a disadvantage.” He glanced at the bo-staff in the corner of the room. “Again.” He added rubbing his head.

“Name’s Andrew.” Ponyville’s resident human introduced. “Andrew Shepherd.”

“Shepherd. Isn’t that a name better suited for a shee-...”

Andrew stopped Rabbit there. “DON’T, even go there, or I will bo-staff your face off.”

Rabbit wasn’t going to tempt fate and looked over to what the unicorn scanning his wrist mounted troubles was up to.

Twilight Sparkle suddenly lifted her gaze from the gem and looked Rabbit dead in the eye. Unfortunately she was still wearing that monocle-thing, magnifying one eye to grotesque proportions. It was like he was looking at a ponified – if that is even a word – version of Frankenstein’s assistant, Igor... minus the hump of course. Having said that, Twilight had a nifty horn to compensate.

Still, the sight drew something of a loud ‘gah’ of surprise from the human as he recoiled.

Twilight pulled off the monocle with one hoof, revealing her face properly. The lavender unicorn seemed bookish through and through. She even smelled like the library. Her mane was dark-purple, a simple and formal straight cut fringe, but that pink stripe through her hair indicated something of a suppressed wild side. A cutie-mark of a grand star adorned her flanks, and she had lavender eyes much like her coat.

“Where did you get this?” she demanded excitedly without so much of a ‘Hi! My name is – huh? My name is – what? My name is – chickie-chickie; Twilight Sparkle.’

Rabbit didn’t mind. Trixie had already fully explained who the unicorn was. “I took it from a pony all of you might know.” Rabbit said with a little smug pride. “Goes by the name of Nightmare Moon.”

That seemed to shock the bookish unicorn. “You took this from Nightmare Moon?”

Rabbit nodded. “Hell yeah. I fought that nag of the night and an army of her dark minions mano-a-mano with just my climbing-axe and my wits. Then I used that evil witch as a landing pad off a twenty story drop.”

“Hah!” Andrew chuckled sarcastically. “I’ve rolled for a Bluff Check and found your pants on fire.”

Rabbit promptly rolled his eyes. “Dork.”

“What exactly does the gem do?” Twilight furthered ignoring their argument.

Rabbit started counting off functions on his fingers, eyes thoughtfully ceiling cast. “Nightmare Moon used it to imprison living entities like Princess Luna and myself... and a slug. Don’t ask. You don’t wanna know. I know, and now I’m telling you, you don’t want to know.

“Secondly I was able to manifest a magical shield from my imagination to protect myself, then I manifested a giant mallet to splatter Nightmare Moon.” Rabbit was about to count off a third function but stopped.

“Hmmm... and that’s pretty much it.”

All eyes in the room just stared at Rabbit blankly.

“True story.” Rabbit assured them.

Andrew nodded, though he didn’t look very convinced. “If that little gem does what you say, why get rid of it? Why not keep it? Be a super-hero?”

“Well, I’m sure my adoring fans would ask the exact same thing.” Rabbit shrugged.

Andrew frowned. “You have fans?”

Rabbit continued as if he didn’t hear him: “But let’s be honest here. I’m just not the hero type. Besides, this thing is a trouble magnet.”

Andrew chuckled looking Rabbit up and down. “Yeah, I can see that.”

Rabbit smiled and joined in for a laugh... but very suddenly stopped when he realised he didn’t get the joke. “Uh... wait, what? What’s so funny?”

Twilight meanwhile packed away her gear and trotted around the table to face Rabbit and Trixie. “Well, that’s it. My analysis and scans are complete. I don’t know how to take it off right now, but I’ll have plenty of time to do research since you’ll be hanging around.” she announced happily.

Rabbit and Trixie glanced at each other frowning before the human said: “I will?”

“Ponyville doesn’t have the money to hire a construction crew right now.” Twilight explained. “So since you burned down the school, I think it’s only fair you pay for the rebuild. There are some jobs around the town that-...”

Rabbit jumped to his feet and held out his hands defensively. “Whoa! Hell no, that shit is your problem, toots! The only reason I’m here is because the namby-pamby-pony-princess thinks you can help me out with this little problem.” He practically shoved the gem strapped to his wrist in her face.

“A bit of respect for the ageless ruler of Equestria please?” Andrew commented.

Rabbit waved the comment off. “Hey, she ain’t my princess.” – Trixie giggled softly earning a scowl from Spike – “And what do you mean Ponyville doesn’t have the money?”

“The local bank was cleaned out by a pony you may know.” Twilight said tartly. “Goes by the name of Nightmare Moon.”

Rabbit and Trixie cringed at the same. “No shit.”

Even in death, Nightmare Moon continued to fuck with the duo.

“I’m not getting out of this, am I?” Rabbit mumbled in a disgruntled tone.

“Not a chance.” Andrew chuckled looking a little impressed with his marefriend’s verbal smackdown on Rabbit.

Rabbit just scowled in his general direction before averting his full attention to the lavender unicorn standing steadfast before him. “So what’s the deal?”

“You scratch our back, we scratch yours.” Twilight Sparkle said honestly. She pointed a hoof to Rabbit’s wrist. “Ponyville needs a new schoolhouse. You pay for the schoolhouse, by the time you’ve completed all of Ponyville’s chores and can afford the repairs I’ll have a way of removing that gem from your wrist. Deal?”

Rabbit grumbled. And if he didn’t comply? Then he’d have two angry princesses to contend with, not to mention a town of ponies. Ponies with magic. Magic that could very well turn Rabbit into an actual rabbit.

Confound these ponies. “Fine. Deal.”

Twilight extended her hoof and they shook on it. “Alright then.”

Rabbit sank back into his seat defeated. The silence that soothingly bathed the library was short lived when Andrew noticed Rabbit’s backpack.

It sat there in a heap against one of the book-shelves just within arm’s reach of the Ponyville resident’s seat. The flap was closed over and Rabbit’s climbing-axe was holstered neatly across the face of the pack. Hanging from a loop on one side was a coil of what looked like climbing rope adorned with knots, but most notably was a rolled up piece of paper sticking out the side of the bag.

Andrew slowly holstered his pistol and reached over, plucking the curious scroll from the other human’s bag.

“Hey!” Rabbit snapped seeing Andrew take something from his backpack. “Dude! Some folk around here are a bit particular about others going through their shit.”

Andrew ignored him as he tore open the wax seal and unfurled the parchment. The paper was a little bigger than an A4 sheet, not quite A5 though. It looked old, almost like papyrus and had a waxy kind of lamination to it. The yellowish paper was etched with clearly brushed black lines, that on their own looked little more than careless squiggles. But to a trained eye, when he put the whole lot together, Andrew found himself looking at a map of the badlands just beyond the Ponyville borders.

“Wow, look at this.” He excitedly started prodding the paper as everyone, and everypony, rose and moved closer to huddle over the discovery. “That must by Ponyville there. That looks like Dragon Mountain. That’s the borders of the Everfree Forest, and that... uh...” he seemed to pause at a collection of dots as Rabbit leaned over the human’s shoulder. “What is that?”

“That looks like lunch.” Rabbit dead-panned.

Andrew huffed, brushing away the crumbs before planting his finger on what looked like the etching of a temple at the very centre of the map. There was a dotted line following the contours of the badland mountains and chasms, connecting Ponyville and the temple with a set of small X’s. “Look at that. It seems this map in particular leads to this temple.” The digit ran over the labelling text beside it.

Andrew delved deeper into the map, his nose mere millimetres over the paper as he took in the details of the text. “Hmmm. What is that...? It has an ancient Celtic flair... but the pictograms... kind of like Egyptian or Mayan. They don’t seem to have similarities though. I can’t make sense...”

Trixie pulled a confused face before shrugging. “It’s Ancient Equestrian.” She pointed out simply, underlining the words with a hoof. “It says: Meghan’s Temple.”

All eyes lifted from the map to gawk at her.

The magician was taken a little aback by their surprised expressions. “What? Trixie is allowed to know things!”

“How can you know Ancient Equestrian?” Twilight exclaimed with surprise. “You didn’t even go to magic school. You’re not supposed to know Ancient Equestrian!”

“I’ll have you know Trixie is self-schooled and is highly versed in ancient Equestria lore and history, thank-you-very-much!” the showmare retorted feeling offended.

“So what’s Meghan’s Temple then?” Spike challenged with a sly grin.

“It happens to be the burial place of the ancient protectors of Equestria.” Trixie answered in a tone befitting to answer the baby-dragon’s challenge. “It is said to be loaded with treasures the regal sisters at the time had bestowed upon them as thanks for protecting the early borders of Equestria from evil-...”

She was stopped very quickly by Rabbit who held up a hand. “Yeah-yeah-yeah, protectors of the Earth. Very cool, love that track. You mentioned treasure?” he quickly segwayed to the money.

“Mountains of it.” Trixie nodded a similar glint in her eye to Rabbit’s.

“We’ve been friends for how long? And you only mention mountains of treasure now?” Rabbit said.

“Meghan’s Temple is legend!” Trixie reasoned. “There was no way to find it. Until now! I don’t know where that map came from, I don’t care either. All that loot is just sitting there, ready to be taken!” she ended in an excited squeal. Rabbit was nodding rapidly in agreement.

Twilight Sparkle glanced between the human and the azure unicorn, noting the similarities in their expressions as the duo excitedly leaned closer to each other. She also immediately noted how the self-centred air in Trixie’s voice halted abruptly whenever she was talking to Rabbit. Seeing right through them, she pressed a hoof against her mouth to quickly stifle a giggle. Both Rabbit and Trixie snapped their gazes around to the lavender mage.

“What?” they both snapped at the same time.

Twilight quickly sniffed and composed herself. “Nothing.” She quickly said, struggling to keep a straight face.

“I gotta admit, treasure hunting sounds like a good idea.” Andrew suddenly piped up in agreement – drawing a very shocked expression from Rabbit. “And think of the archaeological benefits! I’m willing to bet those protectors were the humans I caught wind of in the last temple I was in. There’s only one way to find out though.” He slapped the map down on the floor before him and jammed his index-finger against the ‘X’ marking their destination. “We’re going to that temple!”

Rabbit laughed. He was very willing to put the differences between them aside. Especially for a fuck-tonne of valuables. He held out his hand for a high-five. “Yeah, nigga, yeah!”

Andrew, also willing to put differences aside, was about to meet the high-five... when his smile suddenly faded at what Rabbit exclaimed and he quickly cringed away, taking it back. All of it.

“What? C’mon, it’s fine. It’s not like I said it in malice or anything.” Rabbit scowled, his hand still hanging in front of him. “Dude, c’mon. Don’t leave me hanging.”

Leaving him hanging was exactly what Andrew did, and Rabbit rolled his eyes, giving himself a high-five with his free hand.

Andrew was about to lean over the map again to plan their route and organise what equipment they needed when a purple hoof slammed down on the scroll. Recoiling, the human looked up into the infuriated eyes of his marefriend.

“Not a chance, mister.” Twilight suddenly said taking Andrew by surprise. “I know you’re excited to learn more about the possibility of humans inhabiting ancient Equestria, but the last temple you were in nearly swallowed you whole! This could be dangerous. You are not going!”

Andrew gaped angrily. The sparks flying between them were enough to make Rabbit and Trixie back off awkwardly.

“Oh, sending me into the midst of a dragon migration is fine, but investigating some ruins is where you draw the line?” Andrew defended.

“The dragon migration was under control!” Twilight exclaimed defensively. “I was nearby the whole time!”

“I can take care of myself! Didn’t marching headlong into Tartarus prove that!?”

“I am your marefriend, and I am telling you, you can’t go!”

Dragon migration? Temples swallowing people whole? Tartarus? Rabbit and Trixie glanced at each other and nodded towards the door. Even Spike bailed, running ahead of the duo and ducking outside. Making it out to the street, Rabbit still couldn’t help smirk, hearing the muffled argument continue somewhere inside the library.

No matter the orientation, no matter the species and no matter the dimension... relationships were always the same.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Special guest star Andrew Shepherd from ‘Hands.’ Character(s) used with the permission of author Andrew Joshua Talon.

Interval 2.2: Temple of DoooOOOooom

My Little Pony:

Versus Equestria

[Unto the Breach]

Interval 2.2: Temple of DooOOoom

Rabbit laughed, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting back against the low café table. “Oh-ho, man! Elements of Harmony? Power of friendship? That’s adorably retarded!”

The outdoor café was quiet. Just Rabbit and five brand new mares to talk to... oh, did I say mares? I meant guards. After all, while Twilight and Andrew had been arguing in the library Rabbit had identified the golden opportunity to slip out of town and escape before Twilight expected him to actually deliver on his side of the deal. Apparently news spread fast though.

Impossibly fast.

News of Rabbit’s ass-kicking at the hands of Andrew Shepherd was already common knowledge around town. The deal struck between Rabbit and Twilight was also intimately familiar to everypony. Heck, all ponies were also somehow fully versed on Rabbit’s ‘dishonest’ nature.

Upon leaving the library Rabbit had found himself surrounded by Twilight’s five closest friends. They had sent Trixie back into the library and insisted on following Rabbit around the place to keep an eye on him. The logistics of the situation seemed impossible and brought several very important questions to light.

All questions answered by the fact he was talking to ponies. I’m sorry folks, but all laws of normal physics have been rendered invalid.

“It’s true.” Applejack huffed, backing up their story of how the Elements of Harmony defeated Nightmare Moon with the power of friendship the first time she appeared.

“And I’m Princess Celestia’s bed-warmer.” Rabbit scowled, causing the five of them to gasp with shock. “Oh, come off it. How the hell does the power of friendship banish an evil witch and turn a spirit of chaos to stone?”

“With magic, silly!” Pinkie Pie laughed. “How else?”

Rabbit blinked only now noticing how energetic and high-pitched the pink earth-pony was. “Well you could sneeze on someone and give them diabetes.” He mumbled. “That’d be a cool super-power.”

“Look, the Elements of Harmony ain’ no pony-tale, they’re real.” Applejack promised. “Ah’m the element of honesty, an’ trust me when I say that. I can’t tell a lie.”

Rabbit had to think about that one for a moment. Eventually however, he had a smartass return: “Unless you’re lying about not being able to tell a lie. Then all you tell are lies. But if you’re lying about lying then perhaps you’re telling the truth, but lies are all you tell so most likely it’s a lie.”

All five ponies let out a disgruntled groan, giving up completely. It drew a chuckle for the teenager. He had to admit, that was kinda cute.

Still smiling, Rabbit turned his head to see Andrew approach. The guy should have looked happy to escape Twilight’s wrath. Instead he looked positively dreary, his shoulders slumped and his bo-staff dragging along in his wake.

“Hey.” Rabbit greeted. “Trouble in ponydise?”

“Bite me.” Andrew tiredly rolled his eyes.

“Y’all okay, sugarcube?” Applejack inquired trotting closer to see what the matter was.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” The human replied, lifting his spirits a little.

Rabbit chortled. “He’s just pissed Twilight Sparkle doesn’t trust him.” The teenager explained crudely.

“Hey, Twilight trusts me just fine.” Andrew snapped.

“And that’s why she won’t let you go treasure hunting.” Rabbit thought about it for a moment then burst out laughing. “Hah! Pony-whipped! Man, I crack myself up.”

“Yeah, well from what I see, Trixie seems to hold the riding-crop in your relationship.” Andrew retorted.

The teenager huffed back in a sulk. “Trixie and I are strictly plutonium!”

“Platonic.” Andrew corrected.

“Whateve-...” Rabbit’s words died in his throat as a streak of blue lightning shot closer and a rainbow-maned Pegasus hovered right in his face. Stumbling back in an attempt to put some more proximity between them, Rabbit nearly stumbled over the top of the table he used as a perch.

“Hey, you back off him!” Rainbow Dash cried, her boyish voice cracking a little. “If I remember correctly Andrew swept your flank up and down the Ponyville cobbles!”

Andrew gave his cyan friend an odd glance. “You saw that?”

“Of course!” Rainbow Dash replied still face-to-face with Rabbit.

“And nopony thought to help?”

Rabbit grumbled, grabbing the Pegasus by the face and shoving her away. Rainbow Dash span into a comical pirouette before landing on her flank with an audible ‘plof!’

“You didn’t need help.” Rabbit reminded with a point to Andrew’s bo-staff. “If you didn’t have that magic pole you wou-...

Rabbit’s disgruntled complaints were interrupted by the least likely of suspects. The shy Pegasus herself, Fluttershy of all ponies interrupted him with a sudden uncharacteristic raise of her voice.

“A magic pole!? Oohh, Andrew.” She suddenly let out in a hushed moan. “Will you show me how your pole works?”

Wondering if he had heard that right, Rabbit suddenly burst out coughing, having gulped and gasped at the same time.

Even Andrew noticed how odd that sentence was. Narrowing his eyes suspiciously he tried to read Fluttershy’s face, wondering if she was seeing into deeper meanings of what she was asking. All he saw was her usual innocence. Big turquoise eyes with her mane shyly pulled over one half of her face, she wore that little smile that could give weaker souls heart-failure by just beholding it.

There was no indication that the pony had any idea what the word innuendo even meant.

Blinking, Andrew’s eye twitched with pure frustration. “I dunno. I’d have to ask Twilight if it’s alright.”

“Oh?” that took the butter-coloured pony by surprise. “Why is that?”

Rabbit piped up with a huff. “Well he uses his pole on her all the time, of course! Twilight Sparkle ‘ll get jealous!”

Despite the urge to laugh, Andrew managed to keep a straight face when Applejack gasped.

“Why would ‘ya use ‘yer pole on Twilight?” Applejack piped up with a little irritation in her voice. “Wouldn’t that hurt her?” she added with some concern for her friend’s well-being.

“Well yeah, at first maybe.” Andrew explained. “But as you get used to it, it gets a whole lot more enjoyable. Kind of like a tickle-fight with your best friend.”

Pinkie Pie suddenly leapt onto the table and bounced clean over Rabbit’s head – much to his shock – before landing lightly between them. “Oooh! Ooooh!” she continued to hop excitedly up and down excitedly. “I love tickle fights! Do me! Do me with your big pole, Andrew!”

Even Rarity moved closer, intrigued now. “Darling, I must have a go with your pole!”

“Do me after Andrew!” Rainbow Dash shot over like a streak of blue-lightening. “I want a go with your pole!”

“Looks like your pole is pretty popular with ponies, Shep.” Rabbit snarked.

Andrew just shrugged back with a neutral expression, leaning on his bo-staff like a walking stick. “Yeah? Well when’s the last time your pole got this kind of attention?”

The two humans stared at each other in silence for a moment... and then both burst out laughing. Andrew was doubled over slapping his knee. Rabbit had rolled back onto the table he used for a perch, the whole thing groaning in complaint as he kicked wildly with laughter.

The ponies merely glanced among themselves as they tried to figure out what was so funny. The exercise was pointless.

What ensued was Andrew trying his best to explain to his pony-friends that he wasn’t going to be showing off his pole to anypony... no, not in that way.

As Rabbit wiped away a tear, still chuckling at the sight of the confused ponies, he saw the library door swing open. A familiar azure pony skulked out into the street and scampered away with the brim of her hat pulled low over her brow. Frowning, Rabbit glanced to where Andrew was distracting the five ponies. Realising now as the right time to slip away, the teenager straightened up and did just that.

On tip-toes behind their backs he managed to get out of range and ran to catch up to his friend.

“Yo, Trix.” Rabbit called as he caught up to her. “Did Sparkle-Butt give you an ear-full?”

Trixie immediately shook her head as she stopped and turned to her friend. “She told me she’s going to give me a second chance. Twilight Sparkle is going to explain the situation to her friends. And when they catch up to me they’re going to love and tolerate the buck out of me!”

Rabbit burst out laughing, holding up his arms in self-defence and stepping back as if Trixie was infected with the pony-plague. “Good luck with that.”

Trixie launched herself on the human, her front hooves pressing heavily against the teenager’s chest. “Help!” she cried despite the proximity.

Rabbit sighed with a roll of his eyes. While it was quite funny, he couldn’t just let his friend hang like that... or could he? An idea boiled into his grey-matter and simmered for a second. A moment later his face was lit up by a light-bulb blinking to life above his head.

“Actually this works out for the better.” He suddenly said, drawing a very confused yelp from the azure pony. He pushed her off then took a knee, huddling with an arm around her neck. “I got a good look at Andrew’s map.” He continued in a hushed tone. “Since Sparkle won’t let him out to play, I think I can get to Meghan’s Temple first to loot all that treasure. But I need you to keep Twilight and her loons busy. If she catches on she’ll make us-...” The teenager shuddered “Share.”

Trixie cringed, mulling the plan over. “This sounds like a really bad idea.” He sighed honestly.

Rabbit proudly rose to his feet and shrugged. “Stick around. I’m full of bad ideas.”

The unicorn rolled her eyes. “Fine. You will owe me for this though. You will owe me big.”

Rabbit nodded looking up in time to see Twilight had finished talking to her friends and they were making their way over, all smiles. The human quickly jumped back and ducked behind the nearest building. “Okay, here they come. Remember, big shit-eating grin.”

Trixie scowled in his general direction, but he was already gone. Faded into the night, melted into the shadows, stumbled into cover, pick one. Basically, Rabbit was out of sight and ready to hike out to Meghan’s Temple where mountains of treasure lay in wait. Trixie would come up with an excuse for him. She’d tell Twilight Sparkle and her friends some story of how Rabbit was getting a feel for the environment, or looking for any jobs he could do around town to get a head start on the schoolhouse repairs.

Still...

“Big, Rabbit.” She hissed to herself with a shit-eating grin as the ponies got closer, giggling and prancing all the way. “Real buckin’ big!”

***[]***

The desert gave way to an oasis just in time. Any more of trawling through the exposed desert and Rabbit would resort to cursing at the sun.

Shading his eyes with one hand, his other hand worked to tighten the scarf wrapped around his face before adjusting his sunglasses. He squinted out of pure instinct, leaning forward and pushing through a gust of wind trying its best to knock the teenager down. Sand prickled his exposed skin and snaked its way – somehow – into his clothes.

It had taken him about half an hour to clear the badlands before he came to the oasis. It was a dense cluster of shrubbery and palm-trees all packed together in a mass of leafy green. A flock of multi-coloured birds screeched noisily as they left the tree tops, momentarily hazing out the top of a temple. That was it. Meghan’s Temple.

A large blocky building almost like some kind of oversized nuclear bunker, if Rabbit had paid attention in history he would have realised he was looking at a dark grey and somewhat modified version of the Ziggurat of Ur from Iraq. The massive structure sported thick, tall outer walls, flat and paved rooftop plazas and a few towers perched on the top that looked like the Aztecs had come along and built a couple of their own temples on top. The building was so unnecessarily high it blocked out the hazy mountains in the distance from where Rabbit approached.

What surprised Rabbit was the fact he didn’t actually spot the oasis, or the temple from Ponyville. Not until he got much closer. The reason behind that was that the oasis seemed to be situated in a shallow sided crater, or bowl of sorts. Built so close to civilisation, yet remained hidden because nopony could be bothered looking properly.

Rabbit wasted no time leaving the dry, sun-baked earth behind and delved into the humid oasis. The sudden change of scenery was shocking. He went from being able to see nothing but endless desert in every direction to hardly being able to see past the foliage swatting him in the face every few inches. The moisture hanging in the air nearly drowned him.

Pulling off his scarf and sunglasses, tucking them away into his pockets, Rabbit clawed his way through the thick foliage.

Soon enough he stumbled out into the clearing in the midst of the oasis. Staring up at the sheer wall of solid, craggy stone stretched before him, Rabbit scratched his head. Instinct told him the entrance might be on the highest point of the temple. So he’d have to start climbing.

And climbing is what he did.

Leaping up against the steep angle of the wall, he managed to work his fingers and the toes of his trainers into the wider cracks adorning the temple. Each handhold was in reach of each other, and slowly feeling like Spiderman scaling the towers of Manhattan he worked his way up along the temple.

“Urk.” the teenager burped after what felt like hours of climbing as he considered looking over his shoulder to check on progress. “Don’t look down, Rabbit... you’ll soil yourself...”

Chest brushing the wall as he climbed, he suddenly felt very stupid remembering his fear of heights. That self-conscious feeling you get when you catch yourself doing something dumb in sight of other people? Rabbit was experiencing that feeling along with a healthy dose of mortal fear for his own safety.

That was when the worst imaginable thing happened. It really was... the WORST... thing that could ever happen. Especially for a teenager suffering vertigo and a serious case of regret for putting himself in such a dumbass situation.

The wall started to cave under Rabbit. Eyes popping, he gasped as he displaced about an inch before the masonry caught itself again. Hanging on and rooted to the spot, the boy glanced left to right in a panic. Cracks formed around where he hung. Deep tears formed and spread out like a spiderweb. And there he hung, helpless tangled in it like a fly waiting for a spider to come along and suck his guts out. Metaphorically speaking of course. The spider is gravity. Guts getting sucked out actually means exploding upon impact with the ground.

With gritted teeth, Rabbit managed to tear his left hand from a crack and reached out in an attempt to climb clear of the rapidly crumbling section of wall. As he did however, his hand and footholds displaced another few inches. This time his foot kicked loose and Rabbit swung to one side, hanging on by only two limbs.

A whole surface to his side crumbled away, sending a sizeable avalanche of ancient masonry tumbling to the ground far below.

Rabbit cursed under his breath as he glanced to his right. Just beyond arms reach was a solid enough looking ledge, like a horizontal beam of solid supporting stone receding a little into the structure.

Do or die, Rabbit. C’mon!

Swinging his dangling leg up, Rabbit pressed both feet against the crumbling wall and leapt clear – throwing himself to his right... and just in time too.

The whole section of unstable masonry came crashing down, and would have easily dragged the teenager with it. He would have been pummelled and crushed during the fall before he even hit the ground.

How close he had come to meeting his maker far from his mind, Rabbit kicked his legs for balance as he soared sideways to the next set of handholds. Strangely enough however he wasn’t reaching out to catch himself. His hands reached backwards.

As the world was a blur of colour swirling all around him, Rabbit closed his hands around the handle of his climbing-axe and tore it free. Swinging over one shoulder, he slammed the pick home, digging deep into the masonry where it caught on the support beam. Rabbit jolted to a halt before he fell any further and dangled there for a while.

“From a grave-robber’s perspective, this building is of poor design.” Rabbit managed to quip, trying his best to distance himself from his current predicament.

Managing to force a chuckle, Rabbit dug his toes into a set of cracks and found a handhold before pulling his climbing-axe free. And that was when the worst possible thing happened again, against all surmountable odds.

Before anything happened, there was the aggravating groan of ancient masonry... followed quickly by the tired groan of a very disgruntled teenager.

The wall suddenly collapsed inward, a slab of stone pivoting forward over a lower axis and slamming to a halt to form and downward slope leading down into the pitch interior of Meghan’s Temple. Rabbit tumbled in over the top of the slab and found himself sliding downward over the rough stone.

Crying out he lashed out with his axe, but the pick didn’t purchase on anything. He felt the rough rocks graze his skin through the material of his clothes and saw sparks erupt from the steel of his climbing-axe.

Something hit him in the knee and sent him in a head over heels tumble. The world seemed to be punching him from all sides, getting even for every one of the teenager’s sins. A moment later he was thrown clear of the ground completely.

The ride came to an end with a sudden drop, that Rabbit knew very damn well would come to a very abrupt stop. Spreading out his limbs to shift his balance, the boy tumbled through the air with a cry, swinging his axe in an attempt to purchase the ledge he tumbled over. It was all too little to late. The pick only swung into air.

Twisting, the boy blinked hard to adjust to the darkness. There were faint beams of light cutting through the ceiling high above, and from what he could see, Rabbit was tumbling into a well of some sort.

He broke out in sweat when he realised he was falling in a pit-trap. More to the point, there were lots of sharp points waiting for him at the bottom.

Spears, all set up at vertical angles, each tipped by vicious looking pointed rocks. But above the pikes waiting the falling teenager was a saving grace.

The tunnel was overgrown. Ivy and other ferns grew in ever crack and crag. There were several thick vines growing in Rabbit’s path. It was worth a try at least.

Rabbit curled up and twisted into a ‘feet-first’ fall. He held out his axe and hooked the pick over the nearest vine.

The sudden tug nearly pulled his shoulder out of its socket, and he heard a sickening snap of the vine breaking. But all was not lost. Rabbit’s trajectory was altered just enough.

The tug allowed him to swing his feet forward. Falling again, Rabbit was thrown clear of the pit trap into the larger of the cracks in the well’s walls. The teenager twisted sideway to fit through, his elbows and knees grazing the narrow walls. But he was a least skinny enough to fall clean through into the wider tunnel below.

The smooth hard ground hit him again, this time in the shoulder and hip as he tumbled into another winding slide. It angled smoothly downward, winding Rabbit through what felt like a complex series of weaves and loops. It was like the most vomit-inducing, painful water slides in the universe... hold the water.

The ride finally came to an abrupt halt after what felt like hours of tumbling about in the dark. A halt that didn’t end in death by pointy-sticks. He slid out of the tunnel and came to a halt on a smooth stone floor, every fresh graze and bruise on his body burning like individual suns in a solar system of pain.

“Ow...” he mumbled, feeling the need to vocalise exactly how much that hurt. And even then, it didn’t do the pain the justice it deserved.

Groaning, Rabbit lifted his head to look at his bush-hat, laying limply on the floor in front of him. Slowly he clambered to his feet, holstering his climbing-axe as he stood and scooped up his hat. Perching it on his head again he gave the brim a light tug and shrugged at the straps of his backpack until the bag hung comfortably on his back-...

“Hi, Rabbit.”

Rabbit screamed with a mixture of surprise and girlish fear. He whirled around on the spot, raising his hands as if ready to get with the karate-chopping, but at the same time retreated into a foetal position with a whimper. That was when he spotted a human figure standing nearby.

Andrew Shepherd stood by casually, pencil in one hand, notebook in the other as he jotted down sketches and bullet-points on the chamber surrounding them. Behind him the sun shone in through a rectangular doorway, casting a long shadow over the ground that ended just at Rabbit’s feet.

“W-what!?” the teenager yelled at the sight of Andrew. “How did you get here?”

Andrew frowned. “Eh... I walked.”

“But how did you get in the temple?”

Andrew frowned even deeper before pointing at the door behind him. “Front door.”

Rabbit groaned realising he hadn’t even considered looking for a front door. Rubbing his eyes, he also realised Andrew had beaten him to the temple, and there was no way he was getting away with stealing all the treasure waiting for him. He’d have to... *shudder*... share.

As he tried to whip up a good excuse for being in the middle of the badlands rather than back at Ponyville attending to chores, another voice spoke up catching Rabbit by surprise.

“Hi, fellas!”

Once again, Rabbit treated all to a manly display of bravery through a high pitched scream of surprise and more attempted cowering. Spike the baby dragon had snuck right up on him and waved with an innocent little grin.

“What the fuck!?” Rabbit yelled, throwing up his arms in defeat. “And how did you get here?”

The squat purple dragon pointed a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the doorway he’d appeared from. “I found an elevator.” He revealed proudly.

“Oooh, really? An ancient Equestrian elevator?” Andrew’s interest piqued as he moved closer. “Ropes, pulleys and weights, right?”

“Yeah.” Spike nodded. “It’s pretty rickety, but it’s held up well. Surprisingly easy to use too. Like a big hamster-wheel for the winch.”

The two poked their head through the dark doorway to get a glimpse at Spike’s ancient Equestrian elevator, while Rabbit remained rooted to the spot, gaping angrily. Slowly he averted his eyes to the heavens.

“C’mon God.” The boy growled angrily. “This is just cruel.”

When Andrew and Spike returned from more copious note-taking on the clever ancient engineering, Rabbit’s mind was made.

“I’ll cut you in.” were his first words.

The Ponyville locals glanced at each other, then back at the teenager. “What?” they asked at the same time.

“The Meghan’s Temple treasure.” Rabbit forced out. “I’ll... I’ll... hhnnnggg...” his eye twitched as he forced the words out in an eventual, pained wheeze. “I’ll share.” He winced like the word caused him physical harm.

Again, Andrew and Spike glance at each other before bursting out laughing. Rabbit just stared at them, the human slapping his leg and the baby dragon rolling around the place in stitches.

“What makes you think you even deserve a third of that treasure?” Andrew chuckled wiping away a tear.

“Yeah, you’re supposed to be back in Ponyville helping with our crashing economy.” Spike added.

The sudden highbrow language Spike was using impressed Andrew. “Crashing economy? Nice.” He whispered.

“Thanks.”

Regardless, something made the corner of Rabbit’s mouth tug upward into a sly smirk. A thought hit him like a speeding soccer-mom’s SUV on the free-way. “I have as much leverage as you do.”

Another ‘What?’ came from the opposing duo who suddenly stopped sniggering.

“Let’s start with you, lizard-boy.” Rabbit pointed to Spike. “You’re a baby dragon. In the badlands, all on your own. I’m sure Twilight would like to know what you’re doing all the way out here...” – pause for dramatic effect – “On your own!”

Spike gulped loudly. Andrew was grinning.

“Busted.” The human stifled a laugh.

“And now it’s your turn, Shep!” Rabbit accusing finger switched targets to the other human causing his snigger to die very quickly. “Twilight Sparkle forbade you to come out here. What if someone were to let slip you came out here against her wishes anyway?”

Andrew moved his mouth angrily and silently, before seething; “You wouldn’t.”

Rabbit’s eyes narrowed into a look that pretty much said; you know me better than that.

After a short stand-off, Andrew threw his arms up. “Fine. We split the treasure three ways.” He sighed with frustration. But even he honestly realised this was probably best for all parties involved. “But we split the work evenly as well. Everyone carries their weight. Agreed?”

Spike immediately nodded. “Agreed. But I call dibs on gemstones.”

“Of course you do.” Andrew said with a roll of his eyes.

Rabbit paused, tucking his arms across his chest. After some contemplation, he nodded, despite the part about splitting the work as evenly as the treasure didn’t sound at all fair to him. “Deal.”

“Good.” Andrew’s smile suddenly faltered. “But, uh... what do we tell Twilight when we return to Ponyville with a hoard of treasure?

Spike’s eyes shrank with fear. “Holy guacamole.” He squeaked realising he hadn’t thought of that.

No matter how they went about settling their own petty differences, in the end it seemed they were unable to prevent Twilight Sparkle from kicking all their flanks.

The only one prepared seemed to be Rabbit as he merely waved it off with a casual chuckle. Leading the way deeper into the temple, he simply imparted upon them some wise words:

“My friends, when at first you don’t succeed; just lie, lie and lie again.”

***[]***

“... and that’s not even the strangest thing – huff!” Spike said, huffing as he pulled at a boulder. It shifted, letting a small avalanche of dirt fall to his feet as he moved the obstruction almost twice his size to one side. “I’ve – pant – been to this part of the desert before. I’ve never – hngf – seen this – hnnng – temple before.”

“Mmmm-hmmm?” came a hum from where Rabbit lay not far away.

“How does a temple surrounded by oasis – hunf – suddenly appear out of nowhere?” Andrew strained himself, shouldering another rock and shifting it out of the collapsed archway. He sighed as it moved aside only to reveal a dozen more equally sized boulders denying the trio access to the temple’s inner chambers. The collapse seemed to be worse than it had initially looked. Panting for air, Andrew psyched himself up, then threw himself against the next loose pillar of stone, struggling to shove it to one side.

“Details, chums, details.” Rabbit yawned, stretching out his arms as he swayed gently in the shade. “Don’t worry about where the temple suddenly spawned from, just worry about all that treasure waiting to be split three ways.”

“Actually more like four ways.” Spike stated as he sat down to catch his breath. “I was just thinking-...”

“Don’t. You’ll hurt yourself.” Rabbit mumbled.

Continuing as if he didn’t hear, Spike said: “I was just thinking, Twilight might need a share to soften her up. What do you think she’d do to us if we cut her out?”

Andrew shuddered as he too sat down for a quick break. “Ugh. That won’t end well.”

Frowning, Rabbit lifted his bush-hat out of his eyes and threw them both a glare. “Hey, Twilight Sparkle is not here and she is not part of the deal! Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it covered... sort of! Now quit your slacking and get back to work!”

Andrew and Spike looked at each other and then to where the teenager lay back in a hammock of vines suspended between two large stone columns in some nearby shade. While the duo had been working in a beam of blistering sun strategically shining down on the collapsed doorway they were trying to clear, Rabbit had been kicking back and chilling out.

“Part of our deal was that you help with the work!” Andrew exclaimed.

“I am helping.” Rabbit returned smugly, dropping the hat over his face again and tucking his hands behind his head. “I’m supervising.”

The baby dragon and the human glanced at each other again before sarcastically rolling their eyes. Andrew stood and reached behind his ear. He pulled loose what at first looked like a pencil. Closing it in his fist he concentrated for a few seconds. A moment later the pencil grew. Within moments the magical bo-staff had sprang out to its full size.

Swinging the weapon over one shoulder, Andrew gripped it in both hands before slicing in a wide arc like a broad-sword. Swinging softly and cutting hard, he cleaved the pole clean through the vines above Rabbit’s head, severing his makeshift hammock.

With a cry of surprise, Rabbit plummeted, grasping at the air for something to catch himself on. There was nothing, and he hit the ground upside down with a pronounced ‘thud!’

“Ouch!” the teenager rubbed his head at eye level with Andrew’s shoes. “Dude, what gives!?”

“Get your butt in gear, or so help me-...” Andrew threatened, pointing his bo-staff down to where the other human lay in a heap.

“Alright-alright!” Rabbit complained as he climbed to his feet and dusted his clothes down. Finding and donning his backpack again, he procrastinated a little more with a quick dust down of his shirt...

“Rabbit!” Andrew impatiently pointed at the pile of rubble in their path.

“I’m on it!” the teenager whined. Regardless, he didn’t move from where he stood, Andrew still glaring him in the face. “I have to pee though.”

Andrew threw his head back and let out an exasperated groan loud enough it may have woken up some mummies buried deeper in the ruins. Rabbit ignored him though, moving to somewhere he could find a little privacy.

“Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go!” Rabbit reasoned with a casual shrug.

“Just make it quick!” Andrew snapped, moving to Spike and helping the dragon continue to dig.

Rabbit had already moved around a cluster of skinny trees wound through the crumbling stonework to find himself pleasantly out of sight. Somewhere behind him he heard the digging noises pick up as Andrew and Spike dug into the obstruction again.

“Don’t rush me!” Rabbit snapped back.

Undoing his fly, the human whipped out the goods and went about his ‘urgent’ business. Truth be told, he did have to pee, though it wasn’t as pants-threateningly urgent as he made it out to be. Sighing to himself as he watched a stream form in a small pile of sand banked against an ancient wall, Rabbit considered writing his name. Y’know. Leave his mark on the centuries old place of worship.

In the background the digging noises continued, occasionally broken up by a huff or a pant.

“Rabbit, hurry it up, will you?” Andrew called.

Rabbit sighed. “I am not comfortable with you asking me that while I’m handling myself, y’know what I mean?”

Another exasperated groan from the other human before the digging noises picked up again.

Rabbit finished up his business and re-dressed himself. As he was doing up his zipper though, taking his sweet time to procrastinate even further from helping the other two move rubble, Rabbit noticed how quiet it had grown all of a sudden. Frowning, Rabbit remained fixed on the spot, pulling his fly up the rest of the way.

Still nothing.

“I don’t hear any digging back there!” Rabbit called.

There was no reply.

The teenager rolled his eyes. “Oh, the silent treatment? Very mature!”

Again, nothing.

“Ugh, fine!” Rabbit growled, turning around and making his way back around the cluster of foliage. “I’m coming to help you fucking assho-WHOA!!!”

Rabbit had expected to round the corner to observe a human and a baby-dragon. He didn’t expect said duo to be in the clutches of top heavy, overly muscled canine-like creatures. They were like the illegitimate mongreloid offspring of an ogre and a mutt.

Eight of them, barrel chested and clad in rough leather fatigues with heavy brows, bulldog-like faces and squinty little yellow eyes. The creatures would have looked hilariously clumsy with their disproportionately tiny hind-legs were it not for the solid bands of gorilla-like muscle, sharp digging claws and the intimidated rusty armour adorning key points of their weathered bodies.

A disarmed Andrew was being held beside Spike, thick taloned fingers holding the duo in place. Another one of the ogre-ish canines seemed to be holding a rock-tipped spear in one hand, Andrew’s magic bo-staff in the other.

Rabbit realised he was pointing at the canines and stammering like an idiot. “W-wh-w-wha-wahht-what?”

“Diamond Dogs.” Andrew and Spike replied in almost un-amused synchronicity, earning a unified affirmative grunt from said canines.

“D-d-d-diamond Dogs?” Rabbit stammered, wide eyed and fixed to the spot.

“Diamond Dogs.” Spike confirmed for him.

Rabbit gulped, the shock slowly wearing off. “Diamond Dogs bad?”

Andrew nodded. “Diamond Dogs bad.”

Rabbit eyed the dogs, and they eyed him right back. Taking a deep breath the human slowly interlocked his fingers and cracked them loudly with a long stretch of his arms. He then flexed his neck and rolled his shoulders as if he was prepared to fight them.

“It’s okay, boys.” Rabbit managed to say with a reasonably even tone, hopping from foot to foot. “I got this.”

Andrew blinked, then looked at his bo-staff in the possession of a diamond dog. He was willing it to return to him, but the dog’s grip was solid. The staff jerked a few times, but refused to move.

He looked back to the teenager he knew damn well was hopeless in a fair fight. “You sure about that?”

“Oh, yeah! Eight versus one. Piece of cake.” Rabbit nodded confidently before holding out his left arm. His hand flexed back and he gave the gem on his wrist a little flick...

Nothing happened...

Clearing his throat and flashing a quick confident smile, Rabbit looked at the supposedly magical gem banded to his wrist. A giant mallet wouldn’t go amiss right now. He thought to himself, twisting his hand about and flexing his fingers.

Again, there was no reaction.

Nothing? He thought. Not even a shield or something?

The gem reacted with no reaction.

“Okay, go time little magic thingy.” He growled at the dead stone. “Daddy needs a new pair of ass-kicking shoes.”

It replied with silence. The kind of irritable silence a girlfriend might give you with a ‘head-turned-away’ huff when she’s upset with you.

He gave his whole arm a shake, then pressed his middle and ring-finger into the palm of his hand, other fingers including his thumb remaining outstretched. His hand flicked back and he waited.

Nothing. Not even a measly shot of magical webbing.

Growing impatient and growling as a result, the diamond dogs took a step towards the human.

“Oh-ho, ho, okay.” Taking a step back, Rabbit suddenly realised he was very much screwed. Eight muscle-bound canines against one? Hell, Rabbit had trouble with one Andrew, how as he supposed to fare against these diamond dogs without the sweet universal deus-ex-machina force known as magic? “There’s just an acre of you guys, isn’t there? Time to rely on diplomacy.”

Andrew cringed at the mere uttering of the word from Rabbit’s mouth. “Uh-oh.”

Rabbit ignored him, flexing his neck again and preparing a reality shattering argument. “Gentlemen, you’re dogs, right? And I’m man, so technically-...”

Well... okay, maybe not so much ‘reality’ shattering.

Without warning the nearest diamond dog lashed out with a fist, cuffing Rabbit square across the side of the face. Wall-eyed, the teenager stumbled around to one side, walking himself face first into a nearby wall. He suddenly stiffened on impact, and rigid as a board teetered on his heels. Very slowly the boy keeled backwards before Rabbit landed heavily with a ‘plof’ that kicked up some clouds of dust.

The last human standing blinked confoundedly. Andrew wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the pathetic sight. He just sighed and rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.”

***[]***

Trixie sighed contentedly. Though the concept terrified her at first, having the crap loved and tolerated out of her wasn’t all that bad. The Ponyville-parade had taken the azure unicorn straight to the spa for a long relaxing bath after which Rarity had assured they’d get round to a makeover.

After sleuthing around in the dirt it would feel good to look her best again. She couldn’t help but wonder if Rabbit would notice the difference when he got back.

So there the seven of them sat, in a big wooden basin of pleasantly hot water adorned with multi-coloured suds and reeking of various scented oils and herbs. Slouching her shoulders into the bathwater, Trixie could literally feel all her troubles drifting away.

Twilight Sparkle and her friends had been chatting and giggling amongst themselves. Some of the stories thrown around were preposterous. Reminiscent tales of banishing Parasprites and mighty dragons? Presence at the dragon migration? Battling the spirit of chaos? Trixie had admittedly weaved some tall tales in her days, but some of the stories those fillies came up with were insanely unbelievable.

Regardless, favouring silence to confrontation, Trixie smiled and took the tales for what they were. Enjoyable ponytales.

But as they all laughed off the account of the six’s most recent adventure, a question burned in Trixie’s mind.

During a momentary pause, she spoke up. “It’s strange...”

“What is?” Fluttershy asked almost immediately with some curiosity.

“Trixie doesn’t understand.” The magician unicorn elaborated, brushing a few locks of wet mane out of her face. “You were not fans of her show. In fact you never liked her. Why let Trixie hang out with you?”

Pinkie Pie giggled. “You don’t have to talk like that, silly-filly! You can use words like ‘I’ and ‘me’!”

“Trixie is familiar with grammar.” The showmare sniffed.

“Your show was a long time ago!” Pinkie Pie continued in a sugary tone. “Everyone deserves a second chance at making friends! Sometimes even a third chance, or a tenth chance!”

Twilight translated with a small smile. “What Pinkie Pie is trying to say is that we’re willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Last time you came to Ponyville you didn’t have any friends. You were a stranger trying to trying to get everypony to like you and came on a little too strong is all. I of all ponies should know how intimidating it can be moving into a new town.”

Trixie’s mouth went squiggly as she pondered for a moment. Truth be told, she hadn’t been intimidated by Ponyville. The truth of the matter was, Trixie was just high on the ego-pills. Not that she’d let these ponies know though. “Err... yes... well, Trixie is unsure what she should say to convey her gratitude.”

“A simple ‘thank ‘ya’ might jus’ do it.” Applejack chuckled.

“Right... err... thank ‘ya.” Trixie uttered awkwardly.

The ponies giggled, making Trixie smile a little. It was strange how good it felt being part of the herd for once. All her life she had been on the outside looking in. Today was different.

“Right, so here comes the obligatory question.” Rainbow Dash suddenly blurted out, shocking all with her understanding of the word ‘obligatory.’ “You and Rabbit... are the two of you...” she trailed off into a wide grin. “You know...”

Trixie blinked before snorting. “That is none of your business.”

“Oh, c’mon!” the cyan Pegasus whined. “We’re all friends here, right?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie popped her head out of the bath beside the magician, catching her by surprise.

“Err... well...” Trixie blushed, rubbing her cheek shyly. “It’s... uh... just... well... err...”

Rarity sighed. “Come-come, darling. There’s no need to be shy. I’m sure Twilight would like to share her relationship with Andrew too.”

Twilight had been tipping back her drink when she heard that. Inhaling sharply with surprise she choked, coughing and spluttering so much she couldn’t even protest. Fluttershy giggled in response for some strange reason.

“Rabbit and I...” Trixie sighed as she mulled it over. “Trixie doesn’t know. It’s complicated.”

“Why is it complicated?” Twilight asked. “If you like each other it should be rather academic.”

Trixie chuckled. “Nothing about Rabbit is academic, trust Trixie on that one. I like Rabbit. But... well, I-... Trixie doesn’t think he likes her the same way.”

“Did’cha ask ‘im if he feels the same way?” Applejack furthered.

“Um... well... no.”

“Then how in pony-sake will you ever know?” Rarity exploded rather dramatically. “You should sit that boy down and be straight with him.”

Trixie averted her eyes to think for a moment, then broke out in a laugh. Not even understanding why, Pinkie Pie just giggled in on the jaunty laughter. “Rabbit can be pretty evasive.” The showmare joked.

Twilight joined in with a giggle, knowing exactly what Trixie meant. “Andrew was the same at first.”

“Speaking of Andrew,” Fluttershy said curiously in a hushed tone. “I wonder where he went.” She looked from side to side as if expecting the human to spontaneously pop out of the bathwater.

“Oh, he’s probably just trying to head Rabbit off and beat him to the Meghan’s Temple treasure.” Trixie suddenly blurted out.

Twilight Sparkle choked mid-drink again, then gaped angrily at the showmare, her eye twitching dangerously. “You said Rabbit was looking around town for chores!”

Realising she’d just said that out loud, Trixie skulked innocently under her stare. “Uh, I mean-... Trixie is sorry!”

Calming herself down, Twilight just sighed giving a polite little smile. “It’s fine, don’t worry. Not your fault.” She climbed out of the bath and levitated over a towel. “Girls, I have to go out for a bit to make sure Andrew is okay.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened with worry. “Why? He’s not in trouble is he?”

Twilight grumbled. “Let’s just say he’d better be... or he will be!”

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Special guest star Andrew Shepherd from ‘Hands.’ Character(s) used with the permission of author Andrew Joshua Talon.

Interval 2.3: Awesomeness 101

My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria

[Unto the Breach]
Interval 2.3: Awesomeness 101

He was falling... falling through an endless void of nothing.

“Move!” a gruff voice shouted through the murk surrounding him and filling his brain.

“Ow! What happened to man’s best friend?” replied a vaguely familiar voice.

“I said move!” yelled the first as Rabbit felt the world roll and tumble all around him.

“Yow! Okay, moving. Jeez...”

And then came the fist of an angry God. Rabbit stopped falling and with an audible ‘plof’ he slammed into the hard cavern floor. Moisture clung to his cheek that pressed up against the cold stone. He felt that somehow he’d landed in a ridiculously embarrassing position.

His fears were confirmed when he realised his arms and legs were bunched up and his ass was sticking up in the air ready to get kicked off. With a groan he keeled over to one side and Rabbit slumped to the comfortingly hard ground. He was comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. And he was determined to spend the rest of his life laying there in the comfort of ignorance to the crazy, demented world around him.

“I’m going to live on this spot for the rest of eternity.” The teenager assured himself. Although, with his lips pursed to better suit his pained expression it came out as no more than an unintelligible mumble.

“No you’re not!” the murk was split right down the middle and clear sobriety crow-barred Rabbit in the face. “You’re gonna get up!”

Rabbit frowned, cracking his eyes. The world was a blur for the most part. He made out feet shuffling not too far away. He could see the cavern formations in the distance. He was in some sort of underground chamber. It was spacious. Breezy at the feel of it.

And there, on the cave floor it sat. He was nose to nose with it.

A little black slug, antennae creeping from side to side as it scanned the human’s face over with what Rabbit could only describe as an angry scowl. The kind of scowl that told him this slug had no problem introducing the teenager to the business end of his boot... which didn’t make any sense.

“Hey!” the slug barked gruffly. “HEY! HEY, LISTEN!”

Rabbit frowned, just about managing to mutter a: “Wha-...?”

The slug’s scowl deepened. “What, I constantly have to spoon feed you information? Can’t you figure a fucking thing out for yourself for once? Huh? The hell is wrong with you, kid? Need me to wipe your ass too? You’re in trouble. Now wake the fuck up!”

That was when Rabbit felt white hot pain smash across the side of his face. It felt like the outline of an open fingered hand. Somehow the slug had just bitch-slapped him.

Again, didn’t make sense – but colourful land of talking technicolour ponies and magic ladies and gentlemen.

With a pained groan Rabbit rolled onto his back and looked straight up. He blinked away the blur from his eyes and forced himself to focus. He found himself staring at the stalactites stuck to the cavern ceiling. The chamber walls, far spaced were etched with what looked like natural walkways, chambers and balconies.

Hanging there in his field of vision were two annoyingly familiar faces. The first reminded him of a painful childhood. The other reminded him of a painful ass-kicking only a few hours ago.

Andrew glanced to Spike and shrugged. The purple baby-dragon shrugged back before they leaned in closer to the hardly coherent teenager.

“Yo, Rabbit.” Spike started gently. “Y’alright?”

Rabbit swallowed hard and opened his mouth to reply. “I just got pimp-slapped by a slug.”

They blinked, confused at that otherworldly comment. Then Andrew nodded. “Yeah, he’s gonna be fine.”

Rabbit rolled his head to the side to look at the slug again. It wasn’t there. Not a trace. As if it had never been there in the first place. Confused, Rabbit looked back up.

“Did...” he pointed at Andrew. “Did you just slap me... on my face?”

Ignoring him, Andrew grabbed the teenager’s hand and hauled him to his feet.

“Shake it off, Rabbit.” Andrew tried. “We’re in trouble.”

Rabbit looked around the massive underground chamber to realise trouble was too simple word to describe their predicament. Stalagmites littered the rough uneven edges of the chamber in clusters, but the main floor was even, flat and smooth. Smooth enough that the teenager’s trainers didn’t have much grip on the muddy stone that was broken up by few patches of sand and dirt.

Directly ahead of where the lost trio stood was some kind of study. There were cabinets lined with books, piles of what looked like gems and rubies, several olive green crates and various trays containing random things. Rabbit spotted a few old fashioned telephones, even an 80’s ‘brick.’ There were even some old-school computer monitors.

The space seemed to be guarded by diamond dogs. The ogre-mutts were stationed at the various adjacent tunnels, a few wandering the higher walkways etched into the walls and watching from the balconies. Each and every one of them were clad in stone-grey steel armour, helmets pulled low over their caveman-brows, carrying lances reminiscent of a fencing-foil, only much chunkier.

Their lone guard would be unarmed were it not for Andrew and Rabbit’s combined gear weighing him down. The diamond dog confiscating their things had Rabbit’s backpack slung over his back, the magic bo-staff in one hand and Andrew’s pistol tucked into the front of his belt.

Realising Andrew was still holding him up, Rabbit separated himself from the other human and dusted himself down. “Trouble, eh? No shit.”

Spike wasn’t even tuned into what Rabbit was talking about. He was just pointing up at the teenager noting his sudden return to the world of the coherent. “There he is. I’ve been missing that potty-mouth.” The dragon commented with a smirk.

“You do swear a lot, Rabbit.” Andrew agreed.

The teenager frowned, scratching his head. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

As they fell silent, a new rumbling filled the chamber. Staring, the trio noticed a pinprick of light open up before them. It was a small orb, like a very small sun, flaming and rippling in mid-air. It seemed to have materialised out of nowhere...

And in an instant, it went supernova. The sun exploded, throwing belts of shimmering light outwards like shockwaves that broke against the walls of the cavern. Several of the waves shattered against the two humans and the baby dragon, but apart from being startled they were unharmed.

The sun flattened into a disk, then changed rapidly, cooling to a watery blue colour. The surface of the disk began to ripple like water, the feint cavern lighting catching on the soft waves and winking brilliant highlights on the surface of the puddle.

It was like they were staring into the water of a cool lagoon.

Though it couldn’t be water, since the puddle was hovering vertically before them. Slack jawed and wide eyed they watched a figure emerge from the ‘portal,’ and walk casually towards them.

Though I use the term ‘walk’ fairly loosely. It was more of a crooked hobble than a walk.

Rabbit glanced sideways at his equally stunned companions. “Yeah, something tells me my language is going to go further downhill from here.”

The guy hobbling closer was an old human. Like... really old. So old he was practically turning to dust. His skin hung from his frame like it was three sizes too big. He was clad in a drab robe that made him look like some kind of boring wizard. He even emanated ‘old-people’ smell. The kind teenagers pick up on but parents completely disregard, then smack you upside the head for bringing attention to.

The freakiest things were his eyes. Making his way over, Rabbit noted the gimpy eye. One good eye was watching him. The other was looking at Andrew!

Finally there was a circlet of copper embedded with a few glowing crimson stones perched atop his head.

Strangely balanced for such a rickety old crock, the elderly gentleman held out his arms in greeting, throwing his voice jauntily. “Greetings, gentlemen! I see you’re admiring my collection.” He pointed at his... err... collection of things just past his portal still bubbling and rippling away behind him.

Andrew gave a semi-impressed nod. “It’s quite something – I’ll give you that, mister creepy man.”

The old man chuckled. “I am the Collector.” He introduced. “I collect things – rare things – from Equestria and beyond.”

Rabbit leaned sideways to take note of his piles of jewels and other non-Equestria possessions. “Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.”

The Collector gave a deep frown. “Sherlock. Surely you mean the one and only Sherlock Holmes?” – scratching his head the old man gave a casual glance about his spacious cavern – “Yes, I have a set of some of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original manuscripts here somewhere. I was surprised at how cheap he let them go for.”

Rabbit scoffed glancing to Andrew. The young man shrugged back at the teenager. “You met Arthur Conan Who’s-it?” he said in a tone that indicated he wasn’t ready to believe everything out of the senile guy’s mouth.

The Collector nodded vigorously though. “Why yes, yes I have. Anywhere I desire to go,” He gave his portal an elegant wave before the puddle collapsed in on itself and blinked simply out of existence. “Is just a single step away.”

“You can travel through space and time! ‘Least, that’s the only explanation that makes sense.” And Andrew was using sense in the loosest possible interpretation of the word. “That’s pretty... convenient.” Andrew would be lying to himself if the concept of asking this Collector fellow for a portal home hadn’t crossed his mind. But he also had to think of the consequences such action might have on Twilight and the other ponies. Would it be for the better if he were out of the crossfire between Twilight and Fluttershy – and Rarity even? Or would it make things worse?

Spike on the other hand would be lying to himself if he didn’t find the whole situation confusing and other-worldly. “I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but I can already tell this will all end in tears.”

“I am glad you’re impressed. But enough pleasantries. Andrew Shepherd, the man of the hour! Finally I have the pleasure of meeting you in person.” The Collector darted forward and scooped up Andrew’s hand, shaking it so vigorously he practically worked the man’s arm like a water-pump. “I’m a huge fan of your Ponyville misadventures. I’ve been watching you, you see. Waiting for the opportune moment to strike.”

When he got his arm back, Andrew looked down at his hand then absently wiped it against his shirt. “Waiting for an opportune moment?”

“Why yes, the coltfriend of Princess Celestia’s number one pupil?” the old man laughed. “This kidnapping had to be executed... carefully.” – Andrew, Spike and Rabbit gave each other worried glances – “I planted that phoney map in your colourful friend’s backpack especially for you to find, then I magically grew this temple out of the sand to lure you in proper.”

Rabbit groaned when he heard that. That could only mean one thing. “Phoney map... but that means... oh, fuck! Are you telling me there’s no Meghan’s Temple treasure!?” the teenager exclaimed.

Andrew let out an aggravated breath and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Dude, he’s talking about kidnapping me and you’re still stuck on treasure?”

Rabbit started whining. Frightfully it reminded Andrew a little of Rarity’s more... prima donna moments. Even the nearby diamond dogs winced recognising thehigh pitched tone of voice. “Bu-...”

“It’s over. Let it go!” Andrew thankfully managed to shut Rabbit up with a sharp wave before he turned his attention back to the Collector.“Why? Why all that effort? What do you want from me?”

The other human scoffed. “Why do you care? The guy is super-creepy. Motive; sinister by default.”

Another dismissive wave from Andrew to shut the teenager up. Andrew was feeling a cramp coming on.

The Collector clamped his hands behind his back and paced from side to side as he spoke. “I don’t just collect rare things, I also acquire hard to get items for certain clients. A human in Equestria is a true rarity. I have a particular client who’s been interested in acquiring you, Andrew Shepherd. I’ll leave it at that for now.”

“Hey, asshole!” There was only one person in the cave who would just brashly yell that. I’ll give you a hint. It wasn’t Spike. “No treasure. Plot to kidnap Shep.” – Rabbit counted off on his fingers – “What the hell am I doing here then?”

The old man stopped mid-pace and very slowly turned on his heel until his un-amused gaze met Rabbit’s glare. “You must be the infamous Rabbit.” The man deadpanned.

“Damn straight I’m famous!”

Andrew quickly cleared his throat. “He said infamous.” He whispered to the teenager.

Rabbit quickly clapped his hands over his ears. “A-lalalalalala, I’m not listening!”

“I have no use for you, Rabbit.” The Collector admitted when the teenager lowered his hands again. “Humans are rare in these parts, sure. A human with a weave-gem attached, that is unique. However it seems you are a pawn in a chess-game of the Gods, in which I dare not interfere.”

“I’m stuck in a chess-game of Gods thanks to this thing?” Rabbit held the ornament stuck to his wrist – a weave-gem as the Collector so aptly put it – for Andrew to see. “Now do you see why I wanna get rid of this thing?” he snapped. “It’s a trouble magnet!”

Andrew chuckled. “I know. It attracted you, didn’t it?”

Rabbit’s eyes turned to the top left corner of his vision as he thought about it, before he squeezed them shut and sighed. “Oh, now I get it! Ha-de-haha-I’m going to get you for that.”

In their short distracted exchange of banter, the Collector walked to where his collections were piled and returned with what looked like a duffel bag. “Here is some treasure for the trouble. You may leave.” He threw the bag forward and it hit the ground between them with a distinct ‘plof!’

Rabbit cocked his head, peering inside to see the glitter of stones. Not just any stones. Clear, milky rocks... diamonds! And they were the stupid little insignificant little things like Rabbit would get in his home universe. No these babies were the size of a human fist, typically shaped like they were ripped out of a cartoon with the flat, rounded tops and the pointed base.

“Holy crap!” Rabbit gasped out. “Just like that?”

The Collector nodded. “Just like that.”

“Oh, okay.” With a shrug, Rabbit stepped forward like he was volunteering for a dangerous mission and moved to his offered treasure. “Later, you guys.” He added with a casual wave to Andrew and Spike.

“Oh, c’mon!” the other human shouted after the boy. “Not even a little hesitation?”

Rabbit bent down to pick up the bag of diamonds. He was so close. Riches and fa-... well, just riches awaited him. A big bag of diamonds! He’d be an idiot to say no, right?

The teenager suddenly stopped. Teeth clenched and fingers curling into a fist, Rabbit suddenly stopped to think about what he was doing. Two decisions were laid out for him.

One; he refused the offer and stayed by Andrew and Spike’s side. God only knew what would happen to them, but in doing so he had a clean conscience.

Two; he could just grab the bag and walk. He’d turn his back on all this craziness, pick up Trixie and they could continue with their life. But in doing so he was condemning Spike and Andrew to... well, whatever it was the Collector had planned.

No... there was only one decision really.

“Goddammit, I’m going to regret this.” Rabbit sighed to himself feeling like there were bricks filling his chest cavity.

As the boy straightened up, both Andrew and Spike were surprised to realise Rabbit hadn’t even touched the bag of treasure.

“Suggestion.” Rabbit raised his hand as if he were in class, catching the Collector’s attention again. “How about you keep these diamonds, and I take these two assholes back to Ponyville with me?” he pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the other human and the baby dragon.

Andrew gave a glance to his draconic friend. “I’m really hoping he means that.”

“We all know he doesn’t.” Spike sighed.

“C’mon, guys.” Rabbit hissed back at them. “You know Twilight Sparklefairy is going to drink my blood if I return to Ponyville without you.”

Spike cringed. “Eeeeeuww!”

Meanwhile the Collector was shaking his head. “Out of the question.” the old fart snapped. “They are my property now!”

“Did he just claim us as property!?” Andrew cried.

Rabbit chuckled. “Y’know, I think he might have.”

What happened next came completely out of nowhere... Rabbit’s unpredictable that way.

Whipping around, Rabbit snatched up Spike by the neck. The baby dragon was small and light – and his kicking hardly impeded the teenager as he grabbed the scaly tail and pulled hard. Spike’s mouth opened wide as his eyes popped, and a second later a ball of flames burped from his throat.

The green fire hit the diamond dog who was holding Andrew’s bo-staff and carrying Rabbit’s backpack. The dog’s feet exploded and went up in flames.

Andrew froze, watching in amazement as the dog hopped about trying to stamp out his own feet. Rabbit was struggling not to drop Spike who was squirming and kicking. There was only one thing he could do.

The human threw himself at the diamond dog, slamming his shoulder into the dog’s chest. The creature was knocked back as Andrew snatched his bo-staff back from the diamond dog. Gripping the weapon in both hands, he held the staff high, before swinging straight and true. The pole swished through the air before striking home with a mighty ‘CLON-N-NG-NG’ of metal on metal.

Cracks formed over the cross-eyed mutt’s helmet before the dog dropped into a dusty heap, helmet split in two by a big throbbing lump on his head.

Coughing up smoke-rings and rubbing his poor stretched out tail, Spike scowled at the teenager who had man-handled him. “Dude! Not cool!”

Rabbit shook his head in disagreement as he yanked his backpack from the diamond dog’s back. “Actually it was! That was incredibly cool!”

Shouldering both straps, Rabbit straightened up and took a step back, standing back to back with the other human and the baby-dragon. Seemingly it was the three of them versus the whole damn world. Their re-acquisition seemed to have spooked the Collector and forced him to take some precautionary steps back. But the escape had made noise, and the Collectors diamond dog guards were all over the trio. The mutts streamed in from all directions under the direction of their employer, shouting and pointing.

Something about keeping the one in the fedora alive was yelled. Rabbit couldn’t be sure. All he could focus on was the mass of armoured dogs surrounding them as he yanked loose his climbing-axe. With a slow swing, he flipped the makeshift weapon into reverse grip, figuring if he started swinging with the pick-end he’d make a horribly gory mess. The rounded, dull back end seemed to make one hell of a blunt bludgeon.

“Alright, now what?” Andrew sighed with a glance over his shoulder.

Rabbit shrugged, raising both hands to defend himself. His left wiggled as if willing the weave-gem to help right there and then. It did not respond, as per usual. “You’re the academic, you tell me!”

Andrew scoffed. “Hey, I’m an archaeologist, not a warrior. Just, uh... hold ‘em off.”

The younger human rolled his eyes. “Yeah? No shit! How long do we do that for?”

Andrew opened his mouth to reply, but stopped himself. “I... uh...” a pause as he tried to figure out, but seeing the diamond dogs step closer, Andrew suddenly didn’t care for answering the question. “Oh, hell if I know!”

They were on them in seconds. The diamond dogs seemed to pounce, waves of them crashing down upon the trio. For a moment it seemed like the two humans and the dragon were drowned under the mass of dirty fur and rusty armour. Claws beat into them, rising above the pile of mutts before plunging down to strike a kidney, or similarly sensitive point on the human body...

And then there was a muffled cry.

“Iron-iron... PISTOL!”

A blast of steel slammed upward, picking up the pile of dogs and throwing them outward. As the rows of dogs toppled backwards and scrambled for balance, three figures rose to their feet.

The trio leapt forward, driven by their own cries of defiance. Self-preservation a high priority in all their minds, Andrew, Spike and Rabbit leapt out to meet their attackers.

As he landed on all fours, Spike quickly rolled to one side, avoiding a mutt trying to stomp on him like he was a bug to be squished. Belching out loudly, a cloud of green flames caught on the diamond dog’s fur, igniting the creature’s feet.

All without Rabbit pulling at his tail.

Still disgruntled by the teenager’s actions, the baby-dragon focused his anger on the diamond dogs. Who knew? Maybe these were the same brutes who had been among Rarity’s kidnappers. That thought alone was enough to fuel Spike’s next few belches of fire.

An inferno of flames danced around the purple dragon as he singed countless eyebrows and sent numerous dogs running off in a panic.

Stuck in the middle of it was Rabbit however.

Jumping back to avoid friendly fire, the teenager cringed just wondering if Spike wanted payback for the tail-pulling thing. Probably better not to bring it up. Instead, he focused on not having his ass kicked.

Claws and lances slashed in his direction, and the boy struggled to avoid. Holding up his arms he managed to break several attacks against his forearms and the shaft of his climbing-axe. But in seconds he was sore and bruised. Every so often he’d take a swing, but hit nothing but air. The situation was way too chaotic. This wasn’t like the clumsy golden skeletons attacking him one at a time. Rabbit had like three diamond dogs coming at him at once.

A lance slammed into the teenager’s side, throwing him a few paces sideways. Losing his balance, Rabbit fell coughing and spluttering squarely on his ass, the metal of his axe clanging loudly on the floor where he landed. Looking up he noted the closest of the diamond dogs raise his fists ready to start laying the hurt on the human. All he could do was kick at the floor and try to scramble out of the way.

Until his hand found something...

Rabbit managed to dig his hand into one of the patches of sand and flung a dust-cloud of the granulated rock into the diamond dog’s eyes. While the dog recoiled blinded, Rabbit jumped to his feet and swung his climbing-axe around, smashing the rounded back of the pick horizontally into the diamond dog’s face.

The dog recoiled then twisted back around to face the teenager. A wide smile spread over his face to reveal the cracks in his teeth before the yellowish fangs crumbled away like shards of broken glass. The diamond dog collapsed a moment later.

Ducking almost immediately, Rabbit avoided a lance to the head and lost his balance thanks to awkward footing. Slipping, Rabbit cried out and wind-milled his arms in an attempt to save himself.

With a distinct clang, the pick of his climbing-axe caught on a shaft and Rabbit was held up inches from kissing the floor. Blinking off his daze, Rabbit realised he was being held up by Andrew’s bo-staff. He followed the pole up to the owner and realised the other human had consciously stuck out the pole to save the teenager from falling.

Sharing a nod, Andrew twisted and lifted Rabbit back to his feet, launching the boy back into the game before whirling around to the diamond dogs on his own arc of fire. The ogres threw themselves forward as the man shouldered the pole and took aim.

“Iron-iron-MACHINE GUN!”

The pole extended and retracted in quick succession, delivering a series of hard, sharp blows to the diamond dogs. Each strike landed with a distinct thud and threw the mutts backwards, mid-flight.

Four of the diamond dogs were thrown back before Andrew’s relentless attack ceased. He lowered his aim, striking one last time, thwacking the next dog in the shins. As the mutt began falling cross eyed and gripping his leg in pain, Andrew fixed the length of his bo-staff and whirled around a full three-sixty degrees.

The bo-staff cut through the air with a terrifying swish, narrowly avoiding Rabbit who saw it and ducked just in time. The staff’s trajectory was only interrupted by the falling diamond dog. The resulting impact quite literally launched the dog into the air, sending him tumbling off into the air before slamming into one of the cavern walls and leaving a diamond dog shaped outline in the rock.

Standing posed like a golfer shading his eyes and watching his shot, Andrew smirked as he called: “See ‘ya next fall!”

Spike groaned somewhere in the background before knocking a diamond dog away with a puff of fire. “Puh-lease!”

Whirling around, the baby dragon spotted a diamond dog holding Rabbit in a headlock. The human was struggling, twisting from side to side trying to get free, swearing incessantly. Taking a deep breath, Spike held it in for a moment feeling the fire broiling up within him before unleashing a mighty inferno... the size of a football.

The ball of flames however hit the dog right in the butt, sending him shooting a clean ten feet into the air trailing black smoke and the odour of burnt fur. At the same time, Rabbit stumbled free and swivelled to see while Andrew was blocking an attack on Spike and helping the baby dragon recover, another diamond dog was cocking his lance and ready to jump on the human’s back.

Keeping low, Rabbit sprinted headlong into the attacker, tackling the diamond dog to the ground and smashing his weapon’s pommel into the mutt’s face. With the creature knocked out, Rabbit jumped to his feet and went back to back with the other two again before straightening his bush-hat. All three of them were breathing heavily, practically exhausted...

And they hadn’t even cut through half the diamond dogs yet. More seemed to circle them taking a break from their relentless attack to re-evaluate their prey.

“Well this looks grim.” Andrew commented holding his staff out in front of him as if it were a sword.

Rabbit grumbled over his shoulder at his fellow. “Hold them off... any more bright ideas!?” the teenager snapped.

The man scoffed, flicking up the front of his fedora and giving Rabbit and matter-of-factly glare. “Yeah, actually!”

The teenager managed a chuckle. “Oh good! And I thought things couldn’t get worse!”

“I’m thinking of a move,” Andrew explained ignoring him. “But I’m afraid it might kill us all!”

“Are you kidding me?” Rabbit almost screamed. “What kind of plan is that?”

With the diamond dogs shifting and preparing for another attack, Spike gave his allies a disgruntled look. “No choice! Do it!”

The younger human groaned instinctively. “Ugh... fine!”

“Are you s-...” Andrew started, but Rabbit cut right across him with a broken voice.

“Don’t wait for me to change my mind!”

Andrew caught his bo-staff by the mid-section and cleared his throat. “R-right... IRON-IRON EXPLOSION!”

Rabbit’s eyebrow cocked as Andrew started whirling his weapon above his head. “Wait, wha-...?”

Spike grabbed Rabbit by the collar and pulled him down to the ground. Covering his head like he was trying to shelter from a mortar strike, Rabbit hugged the floor. With a lovely view of the dirty rock he was laying on, he couldn’t see what Andrew was pulling off. For those of you who are interested, Andrew started twirling the staff in both hands.

With what happened next, the only other thing more devastating would have been to actually call in a mortar strike on their location. As the bo-staff started spinning, the ends extended and retracted in quick succession. With each expansion, the ends struck a pair of diamond dogs, then would sweep out to strike more enemies. And then as the staff retracted, Andrew would turn on the spot and re-adjust his aim, checking both ways before the staff extended again.

He held out the staff to his side, then when it retracted, spun it around behind his back. As he did, Andrew willed another strike and swept the legs out from under another trio of mutts. Retracting the blow again, Andrew whirled around and lined up his next shot, knocking out two more dogs.

Dogs flew outward in all directions. Some landed in heaps, others flopped to the ground individually. The crashing waves of mangy ogre-dogs rippled outward, like they were a pond with stone cast in the centre.

When Andrew slid to a halt, catching his bo-staff in both hands, he paused for a breath to observe the last of the diamond dogs slump defeated to the ground, leaving the trio surrounded by heaps of groaning, battered mutts.

Rabbit straightened up, sitting on one knee as he inspected the damage. “That’s a lot of heaps.”

“Progress is not achieved without heaps.” Andrew stated plainly before offering a hand and pulling the teenager to his feet.

Spike was on his feet at the same time, exchanging a high five with Andrew before the three of them rounded on the Collector. The old man was still standing there, watching patiently without blinking. There seemed to be an angry vein throbbing on his forehead, though his face held a crazy kind of calm expression.

Rolling his shoulders and shrugging up the straps of his backpack, Rabbit cocked his head to the Collector, indicating his fellows to follow him. Nodding in agreement, Spike and Andrew stayed by the teenager’s side, and all three of them approached the elderly kidnapper.

“Skipping through dimensions and taking stuff that isn’t yours.” Andrew announced in a humorous tone. “That sounds a little familiar, don’t you think, Rabbit?”

Rabbit choked. “Dude. Don’t compare me to this asshole! We’re nothing alike. He doesn’t even have a sexy pony companion.”

“You think Trixie’s sexy?” Andrew and Spike piped up at the same time.

Rabbit stared at them with his mouth agape, before throwing out a dismissive wave. “Beside the point. I’m nothing like this douche-bag. Let’s just leave it at that.”

Smirking, Andrew looked back to the Collector. “I’m sure Princess Celestia would like a word with you. Just come quietly, old man.”

That made Rabbit groan like he was in pain. “Oh, great. You jinxed it. You should know that when you ask them to come quietly they never do.”

And come quietly was exactly what the Collector did not do.

For an old guy, he was quick and spry... impossibly quick even. He was on them in a split second. Spike didn’t have the time to inhale for a breath of fire. Rabbit was mid-blink. Andrew hardly even had the time to consider mustering up a counterattack.

The Collector grabbed Rabbit’s climbing-axe arm and twisted it behind his back, forcing the teenager to whirl around on his heel. As Rabbit cried out with a mixture of surprise and pain, the Collector kicked Spike in the head, stunning the baby dragon and causing the purple creature to bounce into the air. Methodically holding Rabbit’s hand in place with very little effort, the old man punched Andrew’s bo-staff out of the way and followed up with an open handed strike in the chest. As the man fell back, the Collector kicked Rabbit’s feet out from under him and forced the boy to the ground. At the same time, as Spike fell back to the ground, the Collector swept a foot upward and drop-kicked the dragon out of range.

As Spike smacked into a wall with a disgruntled “OW!” the Collector jumped back to get out of anybody’s counter-striking range.

Andrew watched in complete shock as the Collector leapt out of range and bounced off a hand to gain more air. As he tumbled and span through the air, he whipped around into a complex series of convoluted somersaults and flips... a moment later he landed in an impossibly balanced mantis stance.

Andrew and Rabbit felt their chins graze the ground as their mouths fell open at the same time.

“Did we just get our asses handed to us by the hundred-and-something year old dude with a gimpy eye!?” Rabbit yelled, hardly believing he’d ever utter a sentence like that.

Andrew groaned in reply. “Yeah... this is gonna suck.”

Climbing to their feet, the two younger humans backed off of the Collector rounding on them. Their hands were raised as if prepared to fight, but they jumped back preferring to keep distance like they were very prepared to run away instead.

“We need a new plan, Shep!” Rabbit hissed out the corner of his mouth. “Hurry up and think of something!”

Andrew held out his staff and steadied his stance. “Patience is a virtue!” the young man hissed back.

That drew a scoff from Rabbit. “Not today it’s not! Just shoot him!”

“Hey, I have rules about using my guns. Not on people, and definitely not on ponies!” Andrew defended, dismissing the use of his gun.

“You shot at me just fine.”

“That was an accident.” Andrew snapped. “You came at me first!”

Rabbit huffed, not even prepared to dignify that with an answer.

“We’ll take him at the same time.” Andrew explained. “Let’s just try to not accidentally hit each other.”

Rabbit cringed, not feeling particularly safe dancing around the Collector, never mind trying to beat the old man with Andrew swinging that staff of his. “My safe-word is ‘apples’.” He shared, just in case.

Andrew ignored him and took aim with the pole. “Iron-Iron PISTOL!”

The plan of attack was an unspoken one. They didn’t need to discuss their plans out loud. After going toe to toe with each other in Ponyville, both humans knew roughly what their ally would do. Andrew was more of a stand-up guy, Rabbit knew that. He’d aim for the torso, and face front. He wasn’t the sort to shoot a guy in the back, or sucker punch anyone. He’d be all up in the Collector’s face, drawing most of the aggro and distracting the old man with a run for his money.

Andrew at the same time knew exactly where Rabbit would be. See, he knew very well that the teenager was a low-down, sneaky, slimy, opportunistic little cheater. He’d fight dirty, throw his opponents out of balance. He’d duck and weave out of sight and had no qualms about sucker punching from behind.

Their attacks were synchronous.

As Andrew let out a strike for the Collector’s face, Rabbit ducked to one side and weaved out of sight. Sliding closer on his hip, the teenager swung the shaft of his climbing-axe at the knees, intending to catch the old man by surprise. Throw him off balance, then let Andrew finish up the dirty work. In principle it was an excellent strategy...

But the Collector seemed to have eyes everywhere.

His arm rose to block the strike Andrew aimed for the face. At the same time his foot kicked back and knocked the climbing-axe right out of Rabbit’s hand. frowning, the teenager watched his weapon clatter out of reach before looking up to see the Collector step closer to Andrew and scythe one fist into an uppercut.

The clenched fist and bared knuckles slammed into Andrew’s stomach, causing him to heave and double over. As he fell back, the man threw up his bo-staff, locking his gaze with Rabbit.

Scrambling to his feet, the teenager caught the staff low on the shaft. Locking it tight in a two handed grip, Rabbit whirled around and swung hard and true like he was swinging for a home-run. There was no way in hell the Collector would be able to block without getting hurt...

The Collector blocked without getting hurt.

The guy simply caught the staff in one hand, catching Rabbit completely by surprise. Glancing between the pole and the Collector, Rabbit’s lips were moving but the ‘What the fuck’ wasn’t heard by anything without the hearing range of a dog.

Landing an open handed strike against the pole and smacking it out of his way, the Collector whirled around and ducked low at the same time. His heel kicked Rabbit’s legs out from under him, but as the teenager fell he managed to throw Andrew’s bo-staff up into the air again.

Landing with a ‘thud’, the human looked up to see an upside down visage of Andrew Shepherd catching the bo-staff again. Levelling the staff he shouldered it like a rifle and cried out at the top of his lungs.

The volley of machine gun strikes blurred through the air, but the Collector leaned from side to side. With his legs parted widely, the Collector twisted his upper torso into extreme angles, avoiding each and every strike aimed at him. Struggling to keep up, Andrew adjusted his aim every strike, constantly aiming to hit something... anything! He felt like Neo from the Matrix shooting at Agents. The guy was simply too fast. He could be carrying twelve magical bo-staffs at the same time, it wouldn’t have made any difference.

The Collector suddenly broke one attack on his forearm. Pushing the weapon out of the way, his head dipped low and the old man twisted around into a stylish kick. Not being much of a martial artist, Rabbit’s best description of the next move was a ‘reverse roundhouse kick.’ The heel of the Collector’s foot caught Andrew in the hand, knocking his weapon further out of the way, and in a desperate attempt to keep a hold of the pole the human was dragged along with it.

Steadying his stance as Andrew stumbled away, the Collector prepared to attack again.“I’ll mess you up so bad your own mother won’t recognise you!” the old man bellowed.

As he came at Andrew, he didn’t notice the movement behind him. Rabbit popped up like a jack-in-the-box and wrapped his arms around the Collector’s skinny torso. “Hey!” he screamed, while trying to hang on. “Leave my mom out of this!”

At the same time Andrew stepped in close again, shouldering his bo-staff. “Iron-iron...” he started, preparing to fire a shot straight to the Collector’s head as Rabbit held the man still. Hopefully he could end this with one definitive strike. The guy was old; maybe it wouldn’t take much to floor him...

Just as he focused on the strike through, the Collector doubled over and twisted around. Rabbit couldn’t stop it and was carried with the motion.

“PISTOL!”

The staff extended and slammed right into Rabbit’s forehead. The strike threw the teenager off the Collector who broke free and shrugged his robes back into comfort. Rabbit in the meantime was stumbling about almost comically, clutching his face.

Andrew cringed, rubbing his own face only able to imagine the pain. “Oops. Sorry.” He apologised.

“Argh! Apples! APPLES!” Rabbit didn’t seem to hear the other human, too preoccupied crying in pain and shouting his safe-word.

While Andrew tried to see if Rabbit was bleeding or otherwise seriously injured, the Collector stepped forward and lashed out with a fluid two-handed strike. Both palms slammed into Andrew’s chest, driving the wind right out of him and launching him several feet backwards. Rabbit, who was surprisingly not even bruised by the staff-strike, removed his hands just in time to see Andrew land. Glancing between the downed human and the Collector, the teenager threw himself forward, twisting around at the same time.

Crouching low, Rabbit was launched forward feet first and slammed both his heels in the back of the Collector’s knee. The old man gasped and fell, catching himself on one hand. pushing off almost immediately, the Collector launched himself back to his feet, whirling around a the same time and round-house-kicked Rabbit in the side of the head.

The jarring blow blurred Rabbit’s vision and sent him tumbling off to one side, completely baffled at how that started off so badass and ended so ridiculously painful.

Erecting his bo-staff against the floor, Andrew clawed his way hand over hand up along the pole until he’d pulled himself to his feet, just in time to see the dazed teenager slide to a halt.

“Rabbit! You okay?” Andrew called rubbing his chest.

Shaking his head vigorously and discarding his discomforts, the teenager jumped to his feet like he was a glutton for punishment. “Oh-yeah! Good times!”

Turning, Rabbit realised his patience with the Collector was wearing particularly thin. Without thinking, simply driven by how pissed off he was getting, Rabbit lowered his head and charged directly at the Collector’s side.

The old man saw the attack coming and turned to Andrew. Before the human could even react, the older man snatched the bo-staff clean out of Andrew’s hand and sucker punched him in the side of his head. While Andrew was recoiling with shock, the Collector wrapped the heel of his foot around the grounded end of the bo-staff and flicked it up with a sharp kick. The end of the pole swung straight up and caught Rabbit under the chin.

Feeling his teeth crunch against each other, the boy tumbled head over heels, hitting the ground and sliding to a halt in his neck, arms and legs bunched up awkwardly against his chest. After a moment of laying there pathetically, he managed to untangle himself and flopped weakly to the deck.

Not quite finished yet, the Collector whirled back around to Andrew. The staff was gripped in both frail looking hands and swung back at the owner. His intent was to harm... severely. Simply ‘collecting’ Andrew for a client wasn’t enough for the Collector. He wanted to hurt the man. Beat him black and blue and pawn off whatever was left.

Seeing it coming, Andrew closed his eyes and braced himself. Any minute now he’d feel that pole slam into his ribs before the Collector went to town on every other unbroken bone in his body.

An eternity passed.

Opening one eye, Andrew peeked to his side to see the end of the staff hovering just off his side, as if the Collector were offering the weapon back to him. Blinking confoundedly, Andrew eased his braced stance and looked the Collector over. The decrepit old kidnapper was pulling at the pole trying to get it to move. But it refused to budge. As if the pole didn’t want to hit Andrew.

As if the bo-staff simply refused to obey the Collector in any way whatsoever.

“Interesting.” The Collector mused, glancing between the unmovable staff and Andrew.

Furrowing his brow into a glare, Andrew didn’t say anything. The time for words had passed. Now was the time for immediate action. So without thinking it over, Andrew grabbed his bo-staff again and pulled something from his tool belt. He swung it forward and slapped the man right in the face with a notebook.

Pages were sent fluttering everywhere as Andrew reached back again. The Collector refused to let the staff go, so Andrew worked his hand over the handle of one of his brushes. He drew the makeshift weapon loose and jammed the bristles into the Collector’s face. dust and sand exploded over the Collector’s head as Andrew gave the pole a tug. Still nothing.

Last resort...

Andrew let the brush fall and drew his last weapon free. The hand-trowel swung in a wide arc and smacked right across the Collector’s face with a metallic clung-g-g-g! The blow forced the Collector back, and held enough force to lift him into the air.

The Collector coiled up and flipped backwards before landing neatly once more on his feet. Only unlike the first time he’d gone into a series of somersaults, this time the Collector’s circlet fell from his brow. It let out a distinct rattle as it fell uselessly to the ground at the Collector’s feet.

And the Collector looked completely different as a result.

It seemed that crown of his was some kind of magical disguise. It was hiding what was really underneath the old man’s skin. Instead of a human, in the Collector’s place stood a monkey. A dirt-brown furred creature with a wiry mane and pitch black eyes. There were a pair of distinct horns curving out from his temples, and his yellowed teeth ended in cartoonishly typical points.

Realising his cover was blown; the evil looking demon-monkey deepened his frown and bared his pointy teeth, pointing directly at Andrew with such vigour his finger trembled.

Stumbling clumsily, Rabbit caught up to Andrew and the two stood in confusion, looking at the Collector in his true form. “Uhh...” Rabbit scratched his head, intending to say more, but Andrew cut across him. “It’s evi-...”

“Not a word, Rabbit.” The Ponyville resident sighed leaning on his staff. “Not... one... word...”

Without any warning, the monkey-creature darted closer to them with frightful speed. Both humans gagged as the Collector wrapped his fingers around their throats and lifted them both clean off their feet. Andrew’s hand instinctively let go of his bo-staff and clutched at their captors’ wrists. Hearing the iron of the staff strike the ground made him regret the move. He willed the pole to return to him, then he might be able to beat the Collector off or something...

The Collector stomped his foot down on the weapon. It rattled against his foot, but the staff couldn’t escape.

“Jesus Christ! Now what?” Rabbit shrieked as he kicked feebly at the air.

Andrew gagged and flexed his throat, managing to loosen the monkey’s fingers a little so he could at least speak. “Working on it! Gimme a minute!”

“Nothing takes a fucking minute!” the teenager retorted.

The other human scoffed. “Why don’t you come up with something for a change?”

“You’re asking me for input? Now I know we’re screwed!”

A portal – just like the one the Collector had summoned and appeared through before – appeared behind him once more, shutting both humans up.

“You just couldn’t come willingly could you, Shepherd?” the monkey-demon hissed venomously over the watery rippling sound effects emanating from the portal. “Fine! I’ll take you to my client by force then. And I’ll try my best to make this as unpleasant as I possibly can.”

“What about me?” Rabbit asked. “You didn’t even want me!”

A wide grin spread on the demon-monkey’s face. “That’s why I’m going to have to kill you now.”

For some strange reason, Rabbit managed a smile and chuckled looking sideways to Andrew. “You hear that, Shep? He’s gonna kill me! And I was starting to feel un-loved!”

The Collector squeezed Rabbit’s throat... hard. So hard there was an audible crack. Either that, or it was the sound of Rabbit’s mixed coughs and gasps for air coupled with a few curse-words for good measure, all trying to escape his crushed windpipe at the same time. Andrew watched in horror as Rabbit’s eyes rolled into his skull and he struggled to draw a breath. His whole body was convulsing in panic and pain, feet desperately trying to find the ground. It was like he was hanging in a noose and the life was very slowly draining out of him.

Andrew wrenched at the Collector’s hand holding him in place. He needed to help. Sure, Rabbit was such an ass... but that didn’t mean he deserved to die!

Gritting his teeth, Andrew locked eyes with the Collector. The monkey was watching with joy as the life slowly slipped from his victim. The human wasn’t going to let him have the satisfaction. Andrew’s hand darted back to his tool-belt.

He gripped something and raised it high above his head. With a yellow and black blur, he slammed the point of his pencil down into the back of the Collector’s hand. Andrew could only imagine what it felt like to have wood and shards of lead shatter under your skin, but he figured it was pretty darn painful as the Collector screamed with shock and immediately let the man fall.

Landing heavily, Andrew twisted around and grabbed hold of Rabbit. Lashing out with a backwards kick, Andrew bucked the Collector in the gut and caught the teenager as he fell from the demon’s grip. They both fell to the ground, Rabbit coughing and gasping for air while clutching his poor painful throat.

Seeing and hearing Rabbit take those first couple of loud, gasping breaths with the spark of life returning to his shocked eyes, Andrew was satisfied the teenager would pull through and focused his attention back on the Collector. A distinct shriek of anger told Andrew exactly what would happen to him next.

His hand meeting the cold wood and steel of his pistol told Andrew exactly what would happen to the Collector next.

Whirling around, Andrew cocked and drew the weapon free in one fluid motion. The monkey-creature was leaping forward to have at the humans again. Only this time his furious and frightfully twisted face contorted into a look of surprise as the barrel of a gun was shoved down his throat. Jaw gritted, Andrew didn’t waste any time in pulling the trigger, blinking in time with the gunshot.

Black smoke consumed the monkey, forming a barrier between him and the humans. Andrew was surprised at the lack of blood. It was like there was just a shockwave emanating from his gun that threw the monster back. The last he saw of the collector was the tip of that tail disappearing through the portal he had opened.

A moment later, the portal – to wherever it may have lead in space and time – closed, blinking out of existence.

Very slowly, Andrew lowered his smoking pistol, still staring into where the portal had been. Rabbit’s coughs and gasps for breath grew more stable as he found his normal breathing rhythm again. Somewhere in the background, Spike was groaning as he woke from his drop-kick induced nap.

Catching their breath, the only known living humans in Equestria sat side by side on the cavern floor.

“What?” Rabbit coughed still clutching his throat. “No badass one-liner when you shot him?”

Andrew gave the teenager a sarcastic look. “He didn’t really set me up for one.”

“So you shot him anyway.” Rabbit added.

Straightening his fedora, Andrew shrugged. “Ponies; no. People; no. Demon monkeys; fine.”

Rabbit chuckled. “Heh. You’re a good boy, Charlie Brown.” There was a long pause, before Rabbit finally stopped rubbing his throat. A little sheepish, the teenager elbowed Andrew in the ribs, not realising the other human was still a bit bruised and tender. “Thanks, Shep. For... y’know... saving my life.”

Andrew nodded, then shrugged. “Thank you. For...” Andrew gave the cavern a quick skim over with his eyes, then pointed at the bag of diamonds the Collector had originally offered to get rid of the teenager. “You know... not leaving me here.”

“We okay?” Rabbit asked.

Andrew grinned, elbowing Rabbit back in the ribs and letting him exactly how much it actually hurt. “Yeah, we’re okay.”

On his feet again, Spike plodded over sat down beside Andrew while Rabbit rolled in agony, cradling his poor painful everythign. “What did I miss?” the baby-dragon groaned rubbing his head. “Is it over?”

Recovering, Rabbit sat up and shrugged. “It’s never over ‘till the fat lady sings.”

Technically speaking, Rabbit was right. The really wasn’t over ‘till the fat lady sang. That day was no exception.

The ground rocked and boulders rained from the ceiling. The trio shaded their heads from the debris a moment before the cavern ceiling exploded into a blaze of brilliant purple light.

Purple light? Andrew thought as he peeked up at the aftermath. Oh, man...

Standing there in a massive gaping hole blown clean through the cavern ceiling as a distinct silhouette, surrounded by a magical aura of purple light and backed by the vibrant light of Celestia’s sun. as the blinding light faded and the pony stepped into view, all could see the very snippy expression on Twilight Sparkle’s face.

“Ah, speak of the devil.” Rabbit chuckled.

Andrew responded to the fat-lady joke with a punch to the teenager’s arm. “You really are an ass.”

“It’s a gift.” The boy assured him.

Infuriated, Twilight’s face contorted as she started shouting: “Andrew Eugene Shepherd!”

Despite having to be afraid of Twilight Sparkles un-godly fucking firestorm about to rain down upon them, Rabbit couldn’t help double over and laugh. “Your middle name is Eugene?”

Andrew glowered. “Oh, that’s rich coming from a guy who calls himself Rabbit. What’s your real name then?”

Rabbit’s eyes widened for a moment as he thought about his given name and what his mother opted to call him. He had always considered it child-abuse, but apparently the rest of the world disagreed. They tended to find it hilarious. Shuddering, Rabbit looked away. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He answered rather quickly.

In the meantime Twilight had been consumed by a star of pink light. She vanished from her perch above and teleported back into existence right in front of the two humans and a sweating baby-dragon. “Would you care to explain why I had to walk across several miles of badlands to find my coltfriend in the catacombs of a replica temple I forbade him to enter alone!?” Twilight yelled angrily.

Andrew’s mouth opened as he went to speak. A quick pause later: “Um... technically I’m not alone. I have Rabbit and Spike with me?” it sounded more like a question than an answer.

Rabbit face-palmed, groaning tiredly. “Why you gotta bring me into this, dude?”

***[]***

Evening cast her orange glow over Ponyville. Some stalls in the market were being packed up. Parents were preparing dinner for when their foals got home from school.

And Trixie stood at the edge of the market square re-arranging the contents of her saddle bags. Dropping a small bag of coins in one of the bags, she closed the flap over and levitated them onto her back, wiggling around a bit to ensure they were comfortable. Satisfied she wasn’t terribly weighed down, Trixie was about to move out when a voice called out to her.

“Hi, Trixie.” Came the voice of Twilight Sparkle.

Turning her gaze, the showmare spotted the lavender mage gallop over. Both smiled at the same time.

“How did you get on while I was away?” Twilight quickly caught up to the other unicorn and they walked side by side.

“Oh, hello Twilight.” The azure unicorn greeted with a smile. “Trixie helped the pony named Applejack at her market stall. Compared to performing shows before a live audience, selling apples was foal’s play.” She added in a jokingly boast-filled tone.

Twilight smiled. “That was kind of you, to help out.”

“Admittedly, Trixie did have to ask for payment.” The showmare chuckled a little sheepishly. “She does need to eat, after all.”

Twilightgave a chuckle too. “Of course. But even still.... here.” the mage’s eyes perked up as if she just remembered something. Her horn glowed as she gathered magic, then conjured up something. It was a book, an azure bound cover with a distinct emblem on the front. An emblem of a magic wand with some glittering dust. An emblem matching Trixie’s cutie-mark! “I want you to have this. It’s just something I threw together. I see the way you look at Rabbit and... well, I hope this helps.”

She levitated the book over to Trixie who accepted it in her own levitation spell. Curiously the showmare flicked open the cover and skipped to the middle page. It seemed over half the book was empty, home to blank spell templates. Blinking, Trixie flicked backwards through the pages seeing more templates for her to jot her spells into. And eventually she came to the telltale squiggles of Twilight Sparkle’s writing.

Trixie found herself skimming over a variety of Twilight’s own spells, from improved levitation techniques to long range teleportation. Cleaning spells, transfiguration spells...

And there, on the very first page was the humanisation spell, each version and stage outlined in full detail so even a foal could follow the instructions.

Trixie gaped as she looked to the inner cover to see Twilight had written for her; Trixie’s Spellbook.

The azure unicorn choked. “Wh-... uh... Trixie doesn’t know what to say.” She struggled, rubbing her eye to conceal a single tear of joy.

Twilight just smiled pretending not to notice. “You should start out slow with that one. It’s quite draining, and the clothes are tricky.” She advised.

Trixie managed to take a deep breath as she carefully levitated her new spellbook into her bag. “And... you’re not worried Trixie will do it wrong and accidentally break the universe?”

Twilight Sparkle giggled. “I think the Great and Powerful Trixie can handle it.”

Trixie’s mouth went all squiggly for a moment before she threw herself forward and wrapped her front legs around Twilight’s neck, holding her close in a tight hug.

“Thank you. This means a lot to Trixie.” Letting go of the lavender unicorn, the showmare gave a small sigh, then shrugged, correcting herself. “It means a lot to me.”

The lavender mage chuckled and patted Trixie on the head. “Just promise you’ll take care of each other.”

“I promise.” Trixie gave a firm nod before glancing over her shoulder with a sigh. “Well, Trixie has to go get some supplies.”

“Supplies? You’re going on a trip?” Twilight asked.

“Tri-...” the showmare stopped herself, stretching her head through her hat. “Uh, maybe you should speak with Rabbit.”

They said their quick goodbyes before the magician left the mage, cantering off back towards the market. Watching her with a semi-concerned frown, Twilight turned her head to the library when the unicorn heard a shout.

It was muffled against the inner walls of the mighty tree, but audible. Three loud voices shouting within broken only by a loud crash as something wooden hit the floor.

Twilight let out an aggravated groan as she realised she had left Andrew, Spike and Rabbit together in the library... alone. No doubt they were disagreeing over something petty and were about to wreck the rest of Ponyville.

Hurrying over, Twilight’s horn glowed as she quickly tugged the door open...

But what she found she had not been expecting to see.

The three of them were sitting together... well, Rabbit and Andrew were sitting. Twilight saw her coltfriend was slapping his leg, doubled over with laughter. It seemed the crash the unicorn had heard was Spike falling from his stool. Where he lay he was clutching his stomach and rolling from side to side, laughing loudly.

Rabbit seemed to lower his arms and double over laughing as he finished up whatever crazy story he’d been telling.

The really freaky thing was they were actually getting along! It was at that point Twilight wondered what was more absurd. The only two known humans in Equestria hating each other’s guts? Or Andrew and Rabbit actually getting along?

Stifling his laughter a little, Andrew managed to pause for a breath. “Hehehe! You did that? What were you thinking?”

Rabbit threw up his arms almost like he was giving up trying to win an argument. “Oh, come on! One minute I was playing video games, the next I’m surrounded by talking ponies! Cut me some slack!”

Spike managed to sit up, wiping away the tears of laughter and resulting pain from his cheeks. “B-b-buh-but still! T-that’s no excuse f-for being so st-stupid!” he flopped back to the ground laughing.

Rabbit just continued chuckling at the sight. “Heh! We’ll see how coherent you are when you’re sucked unexpectedly through an unstable trans-dimensional wormhole the size of a hat.”

Twilight very slowly shook her head before making her presence known. “All it took was a near-death experience for you to start getting along. Ugh... boys.” Am I right, ladies?

All laughter stopped as both humans sat upright and looked to Twilight as if she were and angry teacher catching them smoking behind the bicycle shed. Spike very suddenly managed to sit up too.

Andrew slowly rose to his feet, clearing his throat. “Oh... hey, Twilight. You still angry?”

Twilight Sparkle paused to think. For all intents and purposes she should have been angry. Infuriated in fact. Andrew had directly disobeyed her, put himself, even Spike in danger! But rationally speaking... no, Twilight wasn’t angry, and she confirmed her feelings with a shake of her head. She didn’t have the right to tell Andrew what to do all the time. And spike had proven his resourcefulness and maturity time and time again already. They had both earned her trust already, but Twilight had been so blinded by fear for their safety...

“No.” the mage sighed, looking a little regretful. “I’m sorry I lost my temper. And I’m sorry for not letting you out in the first place. I had no right to try and quell your curiosity.” She smirked. “My coltfriend dying in an archaeological dig I wasn’t even around for? Think of my reputation!”

Andrew managed a smile. “Well in that case I’m sorry I didn’t just listen to you.”

“Don’t worry about it...” Twilight paused before leaning in closer to Andrew and adding very suggestively; “Or, if you want to, you can worry about it and make it up to me in some way.”

As Andrew rubbed his neck and chuckled awkwardly, Rabbit and Spike looked at each other. As the most childish entities in the room, the teenager and the baby-dragon stuck their hands down their throats and retched at the mushiness filling the Library.

Recovering with a cough, Rabbit grabbed his backpack and the duffel bag containing the various precious stones he’d swiped upon exiting the Collector’s lair, doubling up on the diamonds he’d been offered in exchange for Andrew and Spike. The loot had been shared equally between Andrew, Spike and himself (Spike had horrified the humans by scarfing down his share like they were chips), but each share came to still a substantial amount of wealth. Rabbit figured he had just about made back the savings Nightmare Moon had stolen and destroyed. It may not have been Meghan’s treasure, but it a damn good compromise.

“This is all so very touching.” The teenager sighed sarcastically. “And on that note I’ll be taking my leave. Canterlot isn’t coming to me after all.”

That surprised Twilight. Yelping out a; “What?” she trotted closer erecting a barrier of light around the teenager to make sure he didn’t just run off. “You can’t go anywhere! We had a deal! You would pay for the school if...”

“IF you could remove this thing.” Rabbit cut her off before raising his wrist and wiggling the weave-gem from side to side. “But since you can’t do that, the deal is off.”

Twilight gaped, completely dumbfounded. In her surprise her horn ceased to glow and Rabbit poked the barrier, causing the light to pop out of existence like an over-inflated balloon. “But... but...” the mage stammered. “The only one I told about that is Trixie. How did you know?”

Rabbit sniggered looking a little proud of himself. “I didn’t. You just told me.”

Twilight visibly cringed, face-hoofing like she should have seen that one coming. Andrew and Spike on the other hand chuckled. Hearing them she glared at the friends who should have been backing her up.

Andrew shrugged, throwing out his arms. “Oh, c’mon. That was a little funny. Besides, don’t worry about the school. I still have my share of the treasure. That ought to cover it and then some.”

Twilight rolled her eyes, calming down. Rabbit in the meantime held out his hand to Andrew.

“Well, it’s been fun, guys.” The teenager admitted as Andrew shook his hand. “You’re okay for a goodie-two shoes, Shep.”

Andrew smirked. “Thanks, I guess. I suppose you’re not a complete douchebag. Close. But not complete.”

“What about me?” Spike piped up feeling left out.

Rabbit chuckled, bumping his fist against the dragon’s claw. “Spike, you’re a dragon. You sneeze fire! That makes you cool by default.”

Spike gave a big, gloating smile looking up to Andrew.“Ha! You’re just okay. I’m cool.”

The human laughed. “Oh, c’mon. Who made Rabbit the arbiter of cool?”

Smiling, Rabbit shrugged. “I dunno what arbiter means, but I’d best go find Trix.” He added pointing to the door and following his own directions.

“Stupid, Rabbit. Trix are for kids.”

Rabbit stopped dead in his tracks when he heard that. Very slowly he turned his head to see Andrew was grinning, confirming he’d actually said that.

“... funny.” Was all the teenager could say in reply.

Their final goodbyes said and waves waved, Rabbit left the library and crossed the town to where he said he’d meet Trixie. It was all planned. They’d meet up, head to Canterlot and finish their silly quest. Celestia would get rid of that weave-gem, Rabbit and Trixie would get their reward from Luna and they’d live happily ever after.

Well, until their next hair-brained adventure at least.

As he reached the edge of town he could see an azure blob waiting for him by the road leading to Canterlot. Smiling, Rabbit broke into a jog to catch up with his pony companion...

And then he saw them. A congregation of ponies, fillies and colts gathered around their teacher he vaguely recognised seeing at the school when Andrew was kicking Rabbit’s ass. They were gathered around a mule (not a literal mule, one of those wooden stand-things) holding a blackboard. They sat out in the open air, listening intently as their teacher prattled on about some kind of important life-lesson.

Rabbit slowed to a walk as he passed, catching something in the background. Framed just above their heads the human realised he was looking at the charred remnants of the school he’d accidentally burned down. What was it Twilight had said? After Nightmare Moon’s robbery the local economy was in the dirt. They didn’t have the cash for a new school.

So what of the foals? Would they just sit outside for their education? It was fine now while it was sunny out, but what would happen if the pegasi decided it was time for a monsoon? Would nopony think of the foals?

Throwing his head back and groaning at the heavens, Rabbit stamped about in a small circle. His conscience was quite literally stabbing him in the face, so disorientation naturally ensued. However, the message was clear in his mind. It was Rabbit’s fault the poor little cute critters were without an educational facility.

He could of course just keep walking. But would Rabbit be able to live with himself?

... probably not.

Gritting his teeth, the teenager stopped hopping about the place and locked his gaze on the outdoor-classroom. Rabbit was looking at the results of his actions, and unlike making a douche-bag decision in a video game giving him some sense achievement, making a douche-bag decision in real life just made him feel like an asshole.

This wasn’t Andrew Shepherd’s mess to fix. It was Rabbit’s. Time to step up and be a man.

For once in his life, at least.

Rabbit briskly walked over, avoiding the gaze of the teacher who looked at him. Once he was in range, Rabbit threw the bag of precious stones at their hooves, turned on his heel and marched away.

The teacher tried to say something.

“Don’t jinx it. I gotta get away before I change my mind about this.” Rabbit called over his shoulder without stopping.

Miss Cherilee wasn’t going to complain as she inquisitively opened up the bag to count the gems and diamonds within.

In retrospect, all those stones were probably worth more than the actual schoolhouse... oh, nuts. Rabbit cringed looking back to see the little colts and fillies whooping happily as their teacher announced they’d have enough to even improve on their new school.

He cringed again realising it was too late to go back and ask for change.

Derailing his train of thought was Trixie’s voice. “Awww. That was sweet of you, Rabbit.” She said as they started walking to the edge of town.

“Ah, blow me.” The human grumbled. “I gave them your share too.”

Trixie laughed. “Yup... another beautiful moment gone in ten seconds flat.

The duo left Ponyville in their wake and started the last stretch of their journey to Canterlot. Their winding path took them out of forests and swamps to the rocky foothills of the Canterlot mountains, carpeted by spiny heather-brush with the road weaving and winding around and through canyons, valleys and winding rivers breaking into waterfalls that cascaded down from the direction of mountainside city.

Rabbit sighed as he looked to the journey they had ahead of them. “Well, here we are again.” He groaned. “On the road with nothing to show for our hard work.”

Trixie shook her head. “Not entirely. While you were out gallivanting about with Andrew, the Great and Powerful Trixie actually got some work done and purchased enough supplies to get us to Canterlot. Also, Twiley gave me this!” – with a touch of levitation magic she pulled out the spellbook Twilight had given her – “My very own spellbook. And she even wrote in a few neat spells to get me started!”

The human companion burst into fits of coughing as he tried to make sense of what he was hearing. “What? I give to charity and you’re the one who gets rewarded?” Rabbit exclaimed, clearly not understanding what charity actually meant. “And... did you just call Twilight Sparkle; ‘Twiley’?”

Trixie shook her head again. “I dunno what you’re talking about. And trust me Rabbit,” – with a wide grin plastering her face, the pony jigged a little closer to rub against Rabbit’s hip, at the same time giving him bedroom-eyes – “I’m very sure you’re going to like some of these spells a lot.”

Scratching his head, Rabbit hopped to one side, putting a bit of distance between them. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Nothing~!” Trixie’s grin extended into a smile and they continued on the road to Canterlot.

And this time around, there was absolutely nothing sinister to be had...

***[Everybody Loves Me - OneRepublic]***

... except of course for the eye watching them from atop a mighty tower of marble and gold through an intricate brass telescope. The watcher lifted her eye from the telescope and smirked at a figure drifting behind her.

So he’s a little charitable! What does it prove?

It proves enough.

Pfah! We’ll see!

Yes we will.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Special guest star Andrew Shepherd from ‘Hands.’ Character(s) used with the permission of author Andrew Joshua Talon.

Interval 3.1: Prepare for War

All was quiet in the foothills beneath Canterlot. The crickets chirped away and the summer birds of every colour sang songs as old as Equestria itself. The wind played at the leaves and branches of the sparsely placed clusters of woodland that grew along the rolling hills that lead up to the jagged peaks of the Canterlot mountains.

It was calm. Serene, and unspoiled.

Until he made his presence among the harmony known...

“Oh, shit!” the voice yelled at the top of his lungs, the sudden outburst and following commotion cutting the birds off mid-song and causing them to flutter. Wings cracked at the air as a haze of every colour in the rainbow lifted off the treetops and scattered in a panic into the skies.

Three guesses as to who the culprit for the panic was.

“Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit!” Rabbit yelled at the top of his lungs as he clawed at the undergrowth. Breaking clear of the serrated tangle of brambles, the teenager fell onto all fours before scrambling back to his feet and running across the clearing.

There was a distinct tear in his left sleeve and right trouser-leg where something had clamped onto his thigh pocket and refused to let go until the fabric pocket had torn away. His trainers pounded the soft dirt almost as loudly as the heavy paw-falls of his pursuers.

Glancing over his shoulder, Rabbit got a good look at them. They exploded from the bushes and landed lightly before resuming their chase. Three of them, four legged, nimble creatures with long wolven muzzles filled with big scary teeth. Their eye-sockets were alive with glowing yellow disks, three-hundred-and-sixty degrees of pure evil. Moisture huffed from their gaping maws as tree-sap drooled down their chins. Their coats of wooden splinters and bark rippled as they moved, bounding in long powerful strides after the young human.

Tearing his eyes off the pursuing Timberwolves, Rabbit focused on hopping over jutting roots and ducking under low-hanging branches. Weighing his pack were his usual supplies, his climbing-axe and something extra. A bunch of short twigs sticking out the top of the pack, brittle bark and dry, brownish-grey cores running within.

Apparently Timberwolves were very protective of their territories... and didn’t take kindly to wood thieving, kleptomaniac teenage boys.

“Why do dogs hate me?” Rabbit whined. “Why always the dogs!?”

There were various vicious barks in response, forcing Rabbit to sprint harder.

There would be no way he could outrun the wooden canines, not in his condition. He’d been running for less than a minute and was fighting the crippling pain burning in his chest. Every breath was a labour to take and sweat poured down his face, a mixture of fatigue and a fear-reaction. The lead Timberwolf was gaining, so much so he could feel it’s hot breath on his neck. Of all the ways to go, mauled by wooden teeth seemed the worst way possible.

A thud caught his ears as the Timberwolf poised and leapt forward for the kill...

Getting mauled wasn’t exactly plan-A though.

“NOW!” Rabbit bellowed as he cleared a clearing and dropped to his right hip.

Sliding a good few metres, Rabbit looked up to see a branch swing right over his head. It had been bent back and held in place, only to be cut loose on the human’s signal. It snapped out like a baseball batter swinging with intent to bludgeon. And bludgeon was what the whiplash branch did.

It slammed right into the first Timberwolf’s face, caving in the wooden face and causing the creature to explode into a shower of assorted wood-carved pieces. Rolling to his feet, Rabbit turned back to see the other two flustered Timberwolves skid to a halt in the remains of their comrade. With a smirk, the teenager glanced to his side where his faithful companion had been hiding in the bushes holding on to the branch that had just conked out one of his pursuers.

Springing from her hiding spot, the Great and Powerful Trixie landed elegantly with her wizard’s hat tipped forward over her brow and her cape billowing in the breeze.

“Did I get him?” the magician asked.

“One down!” Rabbit confirmed before turning and running again as the flustered Timberwolves growled once more.

Laughing, Trixie quickly galloped after her friend. Re-united, the duo blitzed full tilt through the forest, and the two remaining Timberwolves gave chase again. Two human feet coupled with four hooves trampled the ground audibly, overpowering the sound of their pursuers’ paw-falls this time around.

Rabbit wasn’t so glum anymore. He wasn’t afraid of those pointy-toothed wooden pushovers anymore, not with Trixie around. It felt like he was invincible when she was with him. Together, the duo were unstoppable. It’d take more than a couple of Timberwolves to take them down. And as a result, he too laughed between breaths.

Leaping up, Rabbit pulled his knees up to his chest and slapped his hands down on the top of a fallen log. Launching himself forward, the boy landed on the other side of the obstacle barely keeping his balance, though he managed to stay on his feet. Trixie had dropped low, scooting smoothly underneath the fallen log propped up partially against a smaller tree.

Following, the Timberwolves mimicked the human. Both leapt high and sprang off the log at the same time. Neither had the time to register the noise of groaning ropes that echoed throughout the cluster of woods.

As Rabbit landed, he kicked over a trip-wire, loosening a trio of anchors keeping a dead weight log suspended from a branch. As the weight pulled down, Trixie and Rabbit’s final line of defence was released. Suspended from two ropes, the horizontally hung log swept down to meet the flying Timberwolves.

It had been a simple trap Trixie had easily put together with some clever rope tricks and simple telekinesis magic. She’d devised disappearing-watch tricks more complicated on multiple occasions.

The log slammed headlong into both Timberwolves, breaking them apart in a shower of splinters. At the same time the human and the pony skidded to a halt to look at their handiwork.

“Three in splinters...” Rabbit whooped.

“... y’all should know;” Trixie took over. “We be fast...”

“... and they be slow!” the duo cheered together.

Laughing the two exchanged a ‘hoof-bump’ before catching their breaths. Rabbit doubled over and rested his hands on his knees as he panted for breath. Trixie tipped her hat back, letting her rear hit the ground with a distinct ‘plof!’

“This seems like a lot of work for some firewood.” The teenager breathed.

Trixie grinned knowingly. “I know. Timberwolves marked all these trees as their territory. But they always keep the best firewood for themselves. Because it’s brittle and dry they use the stuff to feed their babies. They sometimes settle for feeding thieves to their babies too.”

Rabbit scoffed. “Oh, now she tells me. Woulda been nice to know that before I snuck into their den to steal their shit, Trix.”

“Oh, suck it up ya’ baby.” Trixie teased. “You don’t hear the magnificent Trixie complaining do you?” she added in a smug tone, eyes shut and a hoof planted proudly on her chest.

THUD!

The sound was heavy, judging by the bass rumbling in their chest cavities. The sound made Trixie’s ears perk up as her eyes popped cartoonish with worry. Turning, the two sighted a newcomer to their party.

Another Timberwolf, though this one was much bigger than the other three. Its eyes were hollow sockets home to glistening crimson orbs that flared like balls of fire. The coat of splinters adorning the larger Timberwolf were jagged and serrated, pointed upward like protective scales running through the grand mane wrapped around the canine's throat and flowing down into jagged barbs along the spine.

Despite its weight, the creature landed perfectly balanced upon the log that had been Rabbit and Trixie’s final trap, swinging gently swinging back and forth with the creak of the ropes still groaning in their ears. What followed was an unholy growl that rose from the giant Timberwolf’s throat, escaped that mighty tooth-filled maw and rumbled with the volume of thunder ripping open the sky.

“Eep!” Trixie squeaked with a jolt as Rabbit took a cautious step backwards. “Now the magnificent Trixie is complaining.”

“What is that?” her human companion snapped.

Trixie gulped. “Looks like an alpha!”

“Now what do we do?” Rabbit hissed as the giant Alpha Timberwolf took a step forward, dismounting their useless trap.

“Running!” Trixie cried as she turned tail. “Definitely running!”

As the magician started galloping, Rabbit turned on his heel and kicked off, chucking up a clod of moss as he threw himself into a sprint.

Heavy paw-falls followed as the Alpha Timberwolf gave immediate chase. It was impossible to shake that thunderous noise of their pursuer’s rapid pace. With long powerful strides, the Alpha gained with every passing seconds. Paranoia caused Rabbit to feel a demonic breath breathing down his neck.

“Aren’t you glad we don’t work in an office!?” Rabbit cried.

“Oh, yeah! Look at us!” Trixie panted. “Out in the fresh air! Getting exercise!”

They turned sharply this way and that in an attempt to shake and confuse the Alpha, weaving between brambles and rocks, leaping over fallen trees and sliding under low hanging branches. One particular closer of low branches tangled the Timberwolf, buying the duo precious seconds... but only a few before the Alpha canine was free and giving chase once more.

“Straight ahead! That ought to slow the bastard down!” Rabbit yelled pointing at a wall of brambles directly a head. “Straight through!”

“This is gonna hurt!” Trixie complained as they galloped full speed towards the wall of thorny bushes.

“Suck it up ya’ big baby!” the human retorted, covering his head in his arms and leaping sideways into the bush.

Trixie followed...

And to both their surprises, the brambles weren’t so much of a tangle as they expected. The branches seemed to part like rough, thorny curtains as they collided with the obstacle and passed clean through. Soaring beyond, the duo straightened out expecting to land and keep running...

But... err... well... you ever descend a set of stairs without paying attention? You know that final step? The doozie? You think you’re on the bottom, but you take a step forward and suddenly the ground isn’t there? That step that causes a sinking feeling and a spike of adrenaline to throw your heart into overdrive?

Yeah, Rabbit and Trixie were experiencing just that.

The ground dropped away very suddenly into a very steep hill leading downwards. All the way down was nothing but clusters of long grass, patches of loose rock and miniature drop-offs of crusty dirt. And the duo fell screaming with the sharp decline.

“Whoa-whoa-whoa!” Trixie screamed as she kicked her legs wildly through the air, expecting to land running.

Rabbit was swinging his arms for balance while his legs pedalled furiously, hardly even realising he’d left the ground despite the profanities he let loose proving otherwise.

The duo landed at the same time on the steep hillside and crumbled until their bodies slammed into the ground. As a result they bounced before being launched head over heels and dragged downward by the merciless claws of gravity.

Explosions of dirt clouded them as loose shale surfed down alongside the tumbling duo. Bouncing and rolling onward, they finally came to a very sudden stop, landing hard on the gravel of a road cutting through the foot hills and wading up the mountains towards the city of Canterlot perched somewhere above them.

Several rocks and clumps of dry earth hit the ground around them as they just lay there bruised, scratched and dizzy.

Trixie groaned audibly. “This was definitely not part of the plan.”

She was cut short by her human companion. “Whoa, crap!” Rabbit cursed as he glanced upward. Planting the toes of his trainers in the gravel, the teenager leapt forward, scooping up his pony companion as he launched himself.

Trixie gasped as the human’s arms wrapped around her torso and lifted her clear of the ground. But no sooner had they taken off, her weight dragged them back down and they crashed back into the ground several feet away. Rolling over, Rabbit pulled the unicorn over his chest and threw himself on top of the pony, physically covering her from the incoming heavy object casting its shadow over them.

The Alpha Timberwolf – having taken the tumble downhill right behind them – slammed into the earth beside the human, where the duo had lay recovering only seconds ago. The impact was enough to cause the ground to shudder beneath them, and the resulting explosion of splinters threw wooden canine body-parts in several directions.

A few talons and a tooth bounced harmlessly against the back of Rabbit’s shirt as he slowly lifted his head and eventually managed to prop himself up on one arm. Looking around he noticed the Alpha had shattered upon impact and let out a triumphant laugh.

“Was that part of the plan?” he asked with a grin, looking down at the pony beneath him.

Trixie was flat on her back, legs up in the air like a puppy-playing-dead. Her hat lay in a crumpled somewhere out of view and her ragged cape lay lumpy and ruffled under her light azure body. Her front legs were neatly folded up to her chest as her head rested back on the rough ground. Her cornflower mane was bunched up around her head like a halo of mercury as she smiled brightly up at her very own hero...

Err... well, for those of you who have followed Rabbit from the beginning, ‘anti-hero’ might be a more accurate description.

“No, but I wish it was.” The mare whispered as she realised the human was laying on top of her. “Rabbit?” she added, reaching out with her front legs and draping them suggestively around the boy’s neck.

The teenager continued to grin obliviously. “Yeah?”

“You are a little heavy.” She said. Though she said it as though it was a good complaint, her smile not fading in the least.

Clearing his throat, Rabbit rolled over with a “Sorry,” slipping out of the unicorn’s light grasp as he pushed himself to his feet. Trixie kept her disappointed moan to herself as the patient showmare climbed to her hooves too.

“You okay?” the teenager asked.

Trixie nodded in reply. “You?”

“Never better.”

They both grinned and angled their gazes up to Canterlot that sat framed in the sunset before them. The sun was dipping behind the uneven horizon, igniting the sky behind the grand mountainside city with a burnt-sienna colour as if pointing the travellers the way. Trixie shook out her wizard’s hat and levitated it on her head while Rabbit straightened his bush-hat.

Shrugging off their near death experience the duo started walking again like nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

In fact, this was all just another day in the sandbox.

My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria

[Welcome to Canterlot]
Interval 3.1: Prepare for War

-Tick-

The sun jolted, disappearing beneath the horizon. Within an instant the lights went out. Everything was pitch-black.

-Tock-

The moon exploded to life in the dark sky, bathing Equestria in her pale light. The shadows receded enough for eyes to comfortably assess a lack of bogeymen stalking through the night. A wave of colours not unlike a watercolour Aurora-Borealis smearing across the night rippled over the sky, leaving a plethora of winking stars in its wake. Several stars started to move, falling and exploding into balls of fire scything through the canvas that was Princess Luna’s night sky.

Ten seconds past 9PM. It was officially night-time.

Rabbit’s limbs were sore. Hiking for months on end stopping to rest only a day or two in each town was taking its toll on the boy. Hell, he was surprised he had held out this long. But that last sprint with the Timberwolves really took it out of him.

Stepping past their campfire, Rabbit collapsed into his nest of branches and dry foliage he’d gathered in the final minutes of daylight. With a groan he rolled over, resting his head on his backpack used as a makeshift pillow and pulled a blanked over his body.

Trixie was sitting on the far end of the smouldering campfire, perched in her own nest of gathered sticks and leaves. She had the spellbook Twilight Sparkle had given her open on the ground in front of her as she levitated a stick to poke down the fire. A shower of embers took flight in the cool air before extinguishing themselves and vanishing completely.

Setting her stick down, Trixie huddled under her cape and folded her forelegs – one over the other – before delving back into her new journal.

“You are inseparable from that thing.” Rabbit yawned. “Think you can ditch studying for a while to get some shut-eye?”

Trixie shook her head. “I’m not really tired.”

“Oh, I forgot. You didn’t get your butt handed to you by some geriatric demon monkey.” Rabbit groaned, referring to the adventure... no... cluster-fuck. Yeah, cluster-fuck works better. Rabbit groaned, referring to the cluster-fuck around Ponyville where he’d been beaten up... twice!

Injuries healed quickly in Equestia. Though the bruises hadn’t quite faded yet.

“Get some sleep, Rabbit.” Trixie said soothingly. “When we get to Canterlot we’ll have plenty of time to settle down.”

“Settle down?” Rabbit sniggered. “Sounds like you’re proposing to me.”

“And... uh...” Trixie gulped, wondering if she said that right. “Yeah... but no! I mean... settle down and rest?”

Rabbit grinned as he closed his eyes, satisfied with that clarification. “Hmmm. Yeah. Soft beds... hot food... I can hardly wait.” He added in a mutter.

“Hopefully we have enough bits to rent a room at an inn.” Trixie mused as she leafed to the next page of her spellbook. She added suggestively, lifting her gaze: “The Great and Powerful Trixie might be able to find it within her heart to share a bed if you... don’t...”

She trailed off as Rabbit let out a low snore. His eyes were shut, mouth hanging open a little as he slept soundly under his blanket. Said blanket didn’t even cover him properly, and without tucking himself in his shoulders remained exposed.

“... mind.” Trixie breathed with a wide smile.

He may not have been a pony, but he was damn cute when he slept. Not that he wasn’t handsome when he was awake. Trixie realised views on the human might vary between mares, but to her he was probably the most attractive creature to enter her life. She’d had the odd coltfriend before, but in comparison to Rabbit... to call those stallions ‘boring’ might have been an understatement.

Closing her book, she tucked it to one side and slipped out from under her cloak. Leaving her warm cot behind, she quickly skirted around the smouldering embers of their fire. Moving close to her human companion, the mare reached over with a hoof and pulled the blanket up a bit higher, tucking Rabbit in properly. Satisfied he wouldn’t freeze in the chill night, Trixie used the same hoof to gently stroke her friend’s face.

“Oh, Rabbit.” Trixie whispered as she bent closer to the human’s face. “Where would you be without me?” smirking as she remembered the first time Rabbit had said exactly that to her when he tucked her in to sleep once, Trixie shut her eyes and placed a tender ‘good-night kiss’ on the teenager’s warm cheek.

Backing up, Trixie turned to return to her reading-...

THUD!

Trixie nearly sprang out of her skin as the sound and vibrations of the impact were felt in her hooves. Something had landed behind her, no doubt right next to her sleeping companion. Something dangerous perhaps?

There was only way to be sure.

Focusing for a split second, Trixie's horn began to glow with energy, ready to discharge a bolt of lightning at a very specific target – whatever had landed in their camp. At the same time she whipped around, jaw gritted and brow furrowed with determination. But the panic in her eyes was clearly visible.

What she saw however made her stop all action as she allowed the built up magical energy in her horn dissipate with a static crackle.

What stood over Rabbit wasn’t dangerous – technically speaking.

It was Princess Luna, the immortal alicorn goddess of the night. It had been a while since seeing her in the Everfree Forest, and since her powers seemed to have grown. She was taller than before, nearly rivalling the slender build of Princess Celestia. Her cutie-mark glistened with the luminescence of the moon itself and her eyes burned with the intensity of passing comets. Her mane wavered and billowed in a non-existent wind, shimmering like a second aurora framed night-sky in the night.

Her hooves were adorned with crystal slippers that glittered like the stars in her mane, planted in the soft earth beside where Rabbit lay sleeping. She had a similarly glittering tiara perched around her long horn, and her feathered wings were neatly tucked along her sides.

Trixie settled her heart at the realisation it was only the princess. This close to Canterlot, the princess had probably flown over and spotted the glowing embers of their camp fire. But it still begged the question. Why was she standing over Rabbit and staring at him?

Clearing her throat, Trixie made her presence known to the princess. “Princess Luna? What are you doing here?” Trixie asked, narrowing her eyes suspiciously as she pointed her hoof at the princess.

Catching on to her suspicious tone, Luna lowered her brow into a defiant glare. “We hardly think that would be any of thy business, Lulamoon.” The night-goddess snapped with a cold reference to Trixie's full name.

Ignoring her, Trixie moved closer until she too stood over Rabbit sleeping form. “Trixie thinks it is her business, since you are in her camp, hanging over her companion.”

Luna huffed. “The way thy speaks of this knight, one would think thy have claimed him as your property.”

“Knight?” blinking, Trixie shook her head. “You’re mistaken. My Rabbit is no knight!”

“Your Rabbit? Hah!” Luna tossed her starlit mane with a light flick of her head. “Ser Rabbit rescued us from the clutches of Nightmare Moon. He clearly cares for the princess of Equestria.”

Well that answered that then. Trixie wasn’t exactly thrilled though. Princess Luna had a crush on Rabbit? The magician figured this would only end in tears.

For the princess, of course. Trixie had no intention of letting the alicorn sweep her companion away from her.

“Princess numero-two, perhaps.” Trixie mumbled. Though Luna did hear her, she tried not to react. “Besides, Rabbit only did that because he was returning the favour to Trixie.” The magician continued. “Trixie and Rabbit have been travelling together for months! He cares more for Trixie than some prissy little spoilt princess who’s too used to getting anything she wants!”

The regal alicorn gasped as her very character was offended. “Are you confident enough to put that to the test, Lulamoon?” Luna growled.

“Anywhere, anytime, princess.” Trixie hissed viciously. “Trixie has built a relationship with Rabbit from the ground up. Trixie likes him because she has spent time getting to know him, has things in common with him, and Rabbit likes her for the same reasons! You like him because you’re just some typical pretty little princess who wants some shining knight to rescue her from a tower – and poor Rabbit was the first sap to gallop in!”

The night-goddess growled. “So now he’s a sap? Don’t call our true-love a sap!” Luna nearly bellowed in full ‘Royal Canterlot Voice’ as she lowered her face closer to sleeping Rabbit. “Ser Rabbit is my knight in shining armour!”

“Trixie hates to resort to this but;” Trixie too lowered her face closer to the sleeping human. “I saw him first!”

“Nuh-uh!” Luna contradicted.

“Did too!” Trixie snapped.

In the midst of their highly intellectual debate over which pony deserved to sweep the human off his feet, the human in question let out a sleepy snort. Both Trixie and Luna stopped and glanced down at the sleeping teenager.

Sniffing loudly, Rabbit only half woke without opening his eyes. Shrugging his shoulder, the human let out a soft groan. “Trix?” he asked in a sleepy mumble.

“Uh...” Trixie blinked wondering if he was hearing the two ponies argue. “Yeah?”

“Would you please tell Princess Luna to shut the hell up?” the boy asked.

Trixie didn’t know how the sleeping human knew Princess Luna was standing over him, but she didn’t care either. Score one for Lulamoon!

“Rabbit says you need to shut up!” Trixie relayed smugly to the princess. “You’re keeping him awake!”

Another groan from the human. “Nevermind.” He mumbled. “You’re bothering me too. Both of you shut up.” Rabbit sharply rolled over so he was facing Luna. Then with a shuffle, he pulled his blanket higher over his neck before tucking his arms underneath his body and rolling onto his front.

With a low snore he was gone again.

Confounded, both mares looked down at the source of their vendetta to find he was still fast asleep – having never quite woken up. The silence between them didn’t last long though as both ponies lifted their gazes once more and locked glares.

“Stalker.” Trixie hissed.

“Harlot.” Luna snapped.

“Hag of the Night.”

“Seductress.”

“Filly-fooler.”

“Harpie!”

“Mule-Humping Bitch!” Trixie smirked proudly as Luna reacted sourly. She’d learned that one from Rabbit... naturally.

The night princess gasped angrily with wide eyes before she narrowed them into a pure white moonlight-glare trained directly on Trixie. “Now thy hath done it. This means war!” she seethed.

The azure showmare chuckled confidently. “Oh-ho, Trixie would have it no other way. A duel at dawn?”

“Nay.” The princess of the night announced softly. “We would take no pleasure in obliterating every atom within thine pathetic existence. Our joust for the heart of this knight shall be a duel of wits. The first to steal a willing kiss from Ser Rabbit before the royal wedding is over shall win the right to court him with no interference from the other. Are these terms agreeable?”

“These terms are very agreeable.” Trixie growled through gritted teeth. “It...”

Luna hissed in reply. “... is...”

Together they moved nose to nose and locked glares. “... on!”

***[]***

It was carried on the wind. First there was the sound. A light hissing sound broken up every so often by a snap, a crackle, and then a pop. Finally there was a smell. A beautiful sweet smell of burnt butter, charred tofuand eggs. Fried eggs, sunny-side up.

A typical morning fry-up, tofu-based bacon and eggs. Peppered. Salted. Fried in creamy butter, not oil.

Gorgeous.

Opening her eyes with a broad smile, Trixie was suddenly very conscious of her rumbling stomach. And also conscious of her awesomeness for having the fore-sight of buying the beakfast ingredients in Ponyville.

“Ohhh~!” she moaned like a tense filly receiving a massage. “That smells so good.”

“Thank you, thank you!” Rabbit gracefully bowed to his adoring ‘public’ as he sat on his knees beside their fire pit. One hand held the frying pan steady of the red-hot kindling he’d used to re-stoke the fire that morning, the other worked at a wooden spatula to flip over the food. “I’ll be here ‘till... erm... well, ‘till whenever.”

Her stomach grumbling audibly now, Trixie tossed aside her hat and sat opposite to her best friend in the whole wide world – their companionship attenuated by bacon of course. What kind of friendship is ‘not’ accentuated by bacon?

Putting aside the spatula, Rabbit continued to hold the pan steady over the fire as he plucked up a fork and started digging in. Trixie didn’t need any cutlery. Delicately tweaking her telekinetic magic, she managed to lift up a piece of crispy, salty bacon and prepared to munch away.

She was inches from taking her first delicate bite when she froze. With an odd look, the unicorn leaned sideways to peek around her bacon.

“Uh, did... did you wake up last night at all?” the magician asked.

“No.” Rabbit shook his head. “Why?”

Trixie blinked a few times, before shrugging. “No reason. That’s good.” She let out a breath of relief. Her competition with Luna was still discreet. The showmare had no idea how Rabbit would react if he knew two ponies were jousting over the right to win his, and would prefer not to find out. So she tucked into her breakfast. After breakfast was when she’d worry about stealing that willing kiss before Princess Luna did.

The forest was their grand dining room. The warming sun was their celestial diamond chandelier. The simple campfire fry-up was their banquet. Smiling, the duo tucked into their feast.

It took them less than fifteen minutes to finish. And have you ever heard the term ‘all good things must come to an end’? Yes, well, the truth of this phrase became abundantly clear to both of them as they basked in the afterglow of their enjoyable breakfast.

The end didn’t come because the food was gone. The end came with the smell.

It was horrific.

The air hazed in their eyes for a moment; tear ducts watering and dripping warm liquid over their eyelids. There was a palpable, thick, heaving, choking sensation in their lungs as the stink hit them in a wave. A connoisseur would have found fermented armpit, sun-baked garbage and possibly asparagus underneath the too-brash, mouth-puckering tang of month-old ball-sweat – but Trixie and Rabbit only smelled death, decay and madness.

“ACK!” they both choked at the same time. “What is that smell?” Rabbit exclaimed.

“I don’t know!” with both front hooves holding her nose, Rabbit half wondered how the mare continued to sit upright. “It’s horrible... wait... wait, is that...” she inquisitively moved her head closer to her human companion.

Rabbit groaned as he lifted an arm and gave his shirt a sniff. “Yup. That’s me.”

“Ugh! When’s the last time you washed your clothes!? You’re expecting to go meet Princess Celestia smelling like that?” Trixie complained.

“Oh, well excuse me for not having a spare set of clothes ready and packed for when you portal me into Equestria.” Rabbit huffed. “It’s lucky you got to go to the spa while muggins here,” – he jabbed a thumb in his chest – “Was sleuthing through the middle-of-buttfuck-nowhere badlands.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “This won’t do. Bear with me for a second.” She said as she scrambled sideways and pulled open her saddlebags.

Plunging her head in the bag, she emerged a moment later holding her spellbook in her mouth. Spitting it out she let the book fall with a light ‘plof’ in front of her before she magicked the cover open. In the hazy aura of light that was her magical manipulation, Trixie flicked through a few dozen pages in quick succession, scanning each with a swift and practiced eye.

Eventually she found what she was looking for, springing up with an “AHA!” and planting a hoof on the page. “That’s the one. Okay, Rabbit. Stand up and hold still.”

“Um...”

Rabbit barely had a choice in the matter. After a quick read of her spell, Trixie spooled up her magic, an electric hum smothering the air-waves while her horn began to glow. Within an instant, the light focused into a funnel that burst outward and engulfed the human.

“Whoa!” his cry was hardly heard over the thumping ‘wubs’ that broke down all dirt on a microscopic level.

When the light greyish magenta light faded from his eyes, Rabbit looked down at himself. the human was posed as if he were about to catch a six-tonne boulder rolling down a mountain at him. His clothes seemed to be mended, spick, span and good as new.

There was a pine-fresh smell wafting from the cloth. Rabbit had to hand it to her, Twilight Sparkle knew her stuff, and Trixie had to be pretty darn good if she was able to replicate the spell in an instant... except that bad smell still hung in the air. And it wasn’t coming from Rabbit’s sparkling clothes.

“Well, at least my clothes don’t smell anymore.” Rabbit reported with a grin.

“Yugh! But you still do. You should shower. Here!” Trixie cantered past Rabbit on just three legs, her fourth hoof still holding her nose. She reached a line of shrubs and pushed them aside revealing a glittering scene beyond.

A waterfall splashed audibly from a high ledge down into a small plunge-pool underneath. It wasn’t extremely deep, but deep enough, filled with clean spring water that was drawn into a sub-terrain cavern out of view.

“Huh... how did I not see that before?” Rabbit asked out loud. “That’s convenient.”

“It’s lucky is what it is!” Trixie didn’t waste any time in holding her breath and galloping back past Rabbit again.

On a single breath she managed reach her spellbook again, flicking rapidly through the pages. Unfortunately she didn’t find what she was looking for in time and had to gasp for breath. The sour smell entered her nostrils and she gagged.

Rabbit huffed. “Drama queen. It’s not so bad.” the breeze ripped around him, driving some of the smell up his own nose causing him to choke and cough. “Urk! Okay, maybe it is.” He quickly held his nose between his index finger and thumb.

“What are you looking for?” he asked, sounding like he had a severe cold.

“Here it is!” Trixie announced as she read over the notes.

Her eyes shut and biting her lip with concentration, a magical aura enveloped her horn and wavered like candlelight. The same aura wrapped around Rabbit as he glanced left to right. The aura of light seemed to be localised over... over his articles of clothing?

There was a light ‘pop’ and a flash of light. In the blink of his eyes, his clothes had vanished and re-appeared in a neat, folded pile beside Trixie. Unfortunately, that left Rabbit very much naked.

Shoes, socks ‘n all. It was all on that neat pile, no longer preserving any of the boy’s dignity. He immediately squirmed, doing his best to cover himself with just his arms and hands. It... ‘sort of’ worked.

Rabbit gaped angrily. “Trix?”

“Yeah?” Trixie said, looking quite proud of herself, likely because she pulled off that spell without accidentally ripping off any of the teenager’s body parts.

“I’m nekkid.” The boy growled with emphasis on the fact HE WAS FUCKING NAKED!

“I know.” The pony nodded as if nothing was wrong.

Rabbit suddenly looked very calm as he nodded. “Oh, alright then. Good. It’s nice to know things are under control.” and all of a sudden his glare returned with his loud, angry tone of voice: “Twilight Sparkle gave you a spell that takes my clothes off!? What the fuck!?”

Trixie sighed in response. “It’s not like it’s tuned to you specifically. It’s a standard un-clothing spell! It works on everypony!”

“That doesn’t make it any more comforting! What else do you have in that spellbook!? Rape!?”

“Yes, Rabbit.” The showmare confirmed with sarcasm literally oozing off her tongue. Even her facial expression was sarcasm incarnate. Her ears were pinned back and her eyelids sagged with boredom, head pitching forward and shaking lightly from side to side. “I have a whole page of rape.”

The teenager grumbled looking away trying to ignore the hot burning in his cheeks. “I think now I know why Equestria doesn’t get many human visitors.”

Angling his gaze back to Trixie, he realised the pony was looking right at him. Not just looking though. She was staring. Her expression seemed absent as she gazed at his naked, barely covered body.

“Trix, you’re staring.” He said pointedly.

That seemed to snap her out of her daze. “Uh-... I’m sorry, I was just... eh... admiring your, uh...” she gulped, desperately trying to come up with an excuse. “Err... admiring your alien muscle-structure.”

Grumbling, Rabbit didn’t bother trying to cover himself anymore. With a slump, he boldly let his arms fall to his sides as he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, one particular part of my muscle-structure. How about some soap?” he demanded with a hand held out.

Bumbling over her own hooves, Trixie ran over to her bags and ignited her magic. She quickly levitated a white bar of soap – aptly stamped with the word ‘Soap’ across the surface – into Rabbit’s hand.

Rabbit caught it and turned before stomping off, still wearing his blush. The bushes closed in his wake as the human disappeared from view. There were some splashes as he jumped into the plunge-pool under the waterfall.“Ack! It’s cold!”

Trixie giggled a little girlishly into her hoof.

As soon as Rabbit was away and pre-occupied she set to work. Trixie wasted no time returning to her spellbook and turning to page one. Among all the other remedial spells Twilight Sparkle had left her, the most important was the first.

The humanisation spell.

From what Trixie gathered there were various subtle stages. Anthropomorphic stages, half-pony and half-human stages. There were clothed variants, naked variants. Some complicated, some simple. She could even save draining all her magical energy by opting to leave her pony ears and tail intact post-transformation.

When she finished the spell she’d be magically drained and need a few hours rest from any magical feat to recharge. But Trixie didn’t care. All she cared about was taking Rabbit for herself before that princess of the night stole him away.

So she opted for one of the more advanced stages of the spell. Fully human. She did negate the need for clothing.

She was going to secure that kiss for sure!

Studying the notes intently for several moments, Trixie bit her bottom lip. It was complicated. She’d be hard pressed to get it right. But she was determined. She’d get this right or...

Well, actually, she’d either get it right or not at all. She figured if she did do something wrong she might generate a black hole for all of Equestria to be sucked into, so there was little to no margin for error there. And if Trixie did screw up it wasn’t as if anypony would be able to yell at her.

Closing her eyes, Trixie gritted her teeth and focused. Every ounce of her attention went into uttering the spell in her mind. The incantations weren’t really something that translated into words, or sounds even. They were essences of magic that simply existed without explanations. Unicorns were not taught these ‘incantation,’ they simply knew them. Mastering them was something else.

Trixie may not have gone to magic school, but she wasn’t without skill.

An aura engulfed her horn and began spreading down over her body. She seemed to be consumed in a growing bubble of energy obscuring the pony within. Her forelegs formed vertically aligned shoulders as her arms twisted and hooves extended into fingers. Her spine curled and re-aligned itself as her hind-quarters morphed into a pelvis. Her hind legs re-jointed and elongated.

Filigree of white light cracked across her glowing skin. Beams of light burst through the magical shield engulfing her rapidly changing body... and then it shattered.

The shell broke apart, scattering into pixels that faded like embers in the night as the light exploding from her new body faded. When the light had faded completely, Trixie opened her eyes and blinked away multi-coloured spots drifting in her field of vision.

Trixie the great and powerful unicorn pony was gone. In her place knelt a girl; in her late teen years, she had a tall, slim build. Her pale skin seemed to glow in the sunlight. Her cornflower blue hair hung in silky waves down past her naked shoulders. The somehow automatically applied dark eyeliner made her grey-violet eyes leap out.

Her slender digits ran across her face in confirmation. She was human!

Excitedly, Trixie ran through the quick checklist Twilight Sparkle had included with the spell to ensure the after effects were right.

Hands? Check.

Feet? check.

Five digits each? Check.

Mane? Oooooh, silky... check.

Tail? Well, it seemed humans didn’t actually have tails, so the absence of such should be marked as ‘check.’

Breasts... wait, what? What the buck were those?

Trixie had to do a double take on the checklist as she reached the bottom. That was weird. Only then did she notice the two soft, rounded appendages on her chest. Rabbit didn’t have those, so what the hell were they? Prodding them, she couldn’t seem to identify an immediate purpose for them. Were they part of what separated human males from females?

Having never seen a human female before, she wasn’t entirely sure if that was normal. She quickly bent over her spellbook to double check the diagrams Twilight Sparkle had sketched for her.

No, it seemed the chest-appendages were normal. It also seemed – according to Twilight’s research – that the larger the ‘breasts,’ the more attractive the woman. Checking her lean figure, Trixie deemed her human form wasn’t ‘unattractive,’ though if the size of her chest was a defining game-changer, she might have to work on it in future spells. For now though, the size of her breasts might be adequate to serve her current purpose. Not too big to upset her already present balance issues, not too small to deem her human form unenticing.

Satisfied she was fully humanised, Trixie snapped her book shut and tucked it into one of her saddlebags. She considered having to change back into pony-form if she wanted to carry those the rest of the way to Canterlot in reasonable comfort. That would be a bridge to cross later though.

“Showtime.” Trixie smirked, hoping Luna was watching from afar. Time to school that ageless princess.

Trixie stood with the intent of moving towards where Rabbit was washing, but very quickly fell to her hands and knees again. There was something about her balance. It was just off. Walking on two legs may take some getting used to.

Figuring she didn’t have the time to get used to her new body yet, Trixie put on a face of determination and crawled on all fours through the curtain of bushes separating her from her companion.

The water crashing down into the plunge-pool masked the sound of her approach to the water’s edge. Rabbit was standing in the water under the small waterfall with his back to the newly humanised mare. Sitting in the damp moss, Trixie elegantly swivelled on her hip, letting her feet touch the water. It was as Rabbit had said, cold. It didn’t stop her from letting her slender legs lower slowly, deeper into the water. She figured she’d be cold now, but when she got closer to her companion she figured things would warm up very quickly (Wink-wink).

Sinking into the pool, Trixie pushed off the bank and finally managed to balance with the water reaching up to her waist. It seemed human bodies floated as well as ponies did, and it aided in keeping her upright in her new bipedal form.

“Ahh, much better.” She whispered to herself before quietly wading closer to where Rabbit was showering.

There were many different schools of seduction. Trixie liked to think she was familiar with all of them. But she figured she might not have many cracks at seducing Rabbit before Luna swooped in to seize a turn at the human. The magician wanted to make sure she secured that kiss in her first go. So she decided to go with method thirty-two-geeh.

Brute force.

Trixie gently planted her feet on the uneven bottom of the pool, wading silently closer. As she passed under the falling water, her hair drenched through, plastering itself to bare skin. Tracks of mascara flowed from her eyes before she wiped them away.

Without hesitation she walked right up behind him. Her chest squashed up against his shoulder blades as Trixie realised she was about half an inch taller than her companion. Her wet slender arms slid over Rabbit’s shoulders, securing over the front of his torso in a deft move that held him in place. With a smile tugging the corner of her lips, she narrowed her eyes as she moved her face closer to his.

“Hello, Rabbit.” She whispered softly in his ear.

Rabbit had stiffened within a millisecond. And no, it’s not what you’re thinking – dirty fucker. His whole body seized – again, not what you’re thinking. Out of sheer surprise and panic, the teenager glanced over his shoulder to lock his eyes with the husky gaze of a complete and total stranger. “Wh-... HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!”

Well what the hell was his reaction supposed to be to being grabbed by a gorgeous – and might I add naked – young woman from behind while showering under a waterfall in a world where humans had thus far served the sole purpose for kicking Rabbit’s ass?

To say he was shocked would have been an understatement.

What followed was a panicked splash as Rabbit lost his footing on a slick rock. Kicking his arms and legs, Rabbit slipped out of the girl’s grip and disappeared mostly into the water. Quickly wading out under the waterfall, he kept his stance low so that his chin touched the surface of the pool while he stared up at his humanized companion.

“Who the hell are you!?” he demanded without recognising Trixie. “Where the hell did you come from!? I... oh, God. You’re not going to kick my ass and turn into a demon-monkey, are you? Oh, shit, that’s exactly what you’re going to do knowing my luck!” he suddenly turned in the direction of the camp cupping his hands around his mouth. “Trixie! TRIX! HELP!”

“No! Rabbit calm down!” Trixie laughed, gently taking hold of Rabbit’s shoulders and trying to pull him closer. He struggled, slipping clear of her hands again, retreating down until his chin touched surface of the water again. “It’s me, Rabbit! It’s Trixie!”

Rabbit squinted disbelievingly.

And then he saw it – once he’d pulled his eyes away from her chest, of course. Those eyes. He recognised her eyes... well, her eyes and her crescent fringe. The mane-... pardon, the hair was unmistakeable. Also, he had to kick himself for not recognising the voice. And according to other ponies, Trixie was hot. Why wouldn’t her human form be hot too, right?

Still, Rabbit was left for words. There was only thing he could possibly stammer:“Y-... wha-... you got tall!” and that happened to be all the intelligible conversation Trixie got out of him for the entire morning.

Trixie quickly mentally ticked off seduction method 32-G as a dud. So much for securing that kiss in one go.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Interval 3.3: Chaos Games

My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria

[Welcome to Canterlot]
Interval 3.3: Chaos Games

“Oh, that’s not good.” Rabbit’s complaint was probably the under-statement of the century.

Nothing ruined days quite like an explosion of pure chaos. And what does an explosion of chaos look like, you ask? Very, very... bright.

It was like a light had turned on inside Rabbit’s eyeballs, washing out his vision and leaving just a clean white surface for him to stare at mindlessly. Then there was of course the force of it. A rushing wind tore at him for a second, before the breeze picked up by several gales and lifted the human clean off his feet. With a pronounced thud he landed uncomfortably on his backpack, the corner of a lunchbox jabbing into his spine.

In all it was almost as bad as going to watch a 3-D movie.

Three successive thuds told him the same had happened to Trixie, Luna and even Princess Celestia.

Blinking hard, Rabbit felt the grass bristle in his ear. When the light finally faded, he realised he was resting his head back, looking sideways at where his left hand rested on the ground beside him. The weave-gem latched to his wrist was glowing a sort of silvery light. Strands of what could only be described as a magical mist hovered over the surface as the golden seals holding the stone in place seemed to suddenly click loose. The straps holding the gem tight against Rabbit’s skin seemed to unfasten and crumble away into a fine golden dust.

And before Rabbit could even consider catching it, the weave-gem flew loose, taking off into the air like it was rocket-propelled. His hand followed it up, but only snatched at air.

His eyes followed the smooth little stone fly up through the air before a lion’s paw closed its fingers around the weave-gem. With a gulp, Rabbit followed the fuzzy wrist across the arm to the serpentine body, then up the slender neck to a rather disfigured pony-head. And right there, staring right at him Rabbit saw those eyes for the first time. Those freakishly unevenly sized yellow eyes with crimson pupils.

The eyes of madness.

“A-hahaha-hah! I love the smell of chaos in the morning!” the creature floating – oddly enough without flapping his wings – above them cried with De-Lancien delight. “It looks like you’re pretty good at throwing smashing parties without me, Celestia.” He added with a low sinister tone, pressing his fingertips together. “Maybe you’re not so boring after all.

Noticing a hollow pounding noise, Rabbit sat up and tore his eyes off the giggling Frankenstein jigsaw puzzle of creatures. Looking over his shoulder he saw Celestia was laying on her side beside him shaking off her daze. Behind her was some sort of wall. Trixie and Luna had climbed to their feet already and were pressing their hands against a glistening barrier of pinkish light that had erected between them and the teenager and Equestia’s princess. The forcefield stretch up into the infinite sky and seemed to span out beyond the borders of the royal gardens, quite literally cutting through everything in its path. Trixie was desperately pounding a fist against the field, her fist glowing with faint magic as she tried to make a dent. A few ripples of energy wavered through the shield, but nothing more happened.

Sitting up on one knee, Rabbit’s hand hovered over his climbing-axe’s handle as he looked up to see the floating creature – that had once been a statue – was drifting smoothly down to where the girls stood helplessly.

“Aww.” he continued, floating over to where Luna pouted angrily. “Does widdle Woona wish she weren’t so powerless to help the puny human? How precious. Gag.” He added, mockingly sticking a finger down his throat.

Still coming to terms what exactly was happening, Rabbit pointed directly at the monster, his hands visibly trembling.“What... the fuck!” the teenager yelled slowly, being sure to annunciate his expletives properly. He was a good boy that way.

“Discord!” Princess Celestia cried out, identifying the Frankenstein patchwork draconian. She had rolled to her hooves and stood over Rabbit, tall and enduring. “I weakened your prison as a kindness so you could roam Equestria without interfering. Do not mistake my kindness as weakness. Now get back in your statue before I lose my patience!”

Ignoring her half-heartedly with a sigh, Discord curled his back and rolled his eyes “Aaaaaaaand you’re boring again.” He grumbled before holding out his hands. “At least this time you won’t be able to run to your precious Elements of Harmony.”

The lion’s paw opened up to reveal the weave-gem perched neatly on the palm of his hand. The eagle’s claw froze poised to snap his fingers.

With a distinct ‘click’ of his talons, a flash of light erupted from between Discord’s fingers. The weave-gem vanished from the creature’s paw before flashing back into existence right beside Rabbit’s face. Instinctively the teenager threw himself out of range, landing face down in the dirt. Looking back he saw the weave-gem burst open.

Bars of light extended out from where the weave gem hovered just a few feet from Celestia’s chest. They curved and formed four corners, circling the princess before joining at her tail. Several dozen bars spawned from the perimeter frame forming a box shaped cage of light that encased the flustered alicorn.

“Well, that’s not good.” Rabbit noted seeing Celestia’s wide-eyed expression.

The princess charged her magic, forming a ball of golden light at the tip of her horn before unleashing the energy in a destructive beam... it simply dissipated into the glow of her cage. It was at that point the ancient being resorted to more primal, instinctual methods. She kicked like a mule, but her hooves bounced off the bars like they were made of tempered steel. She lashed out with her wings and threw her shoulders against the bars. Again, to no effect.

Catching her breath, the princess quickly convinced herself not to lose her head. Eventually she looked up, locking her glare to Discord who watched in amusement.

“What do you want, Discord?” Princess Celestia demanded.

“What does every Saturday morning cartoon villain want?” Discord retorted with a question, throwing his arms up. “Money. Fame. World domination!” strafing over to where Rabbit was climbing to his feet, the creature nudged the teenager in the arm with an elbow. “And thanks to bunny-boy here bringing the weave-gem and all that natural chaos of his right to my front-door, I get all of that!”

‘Bunny-boy?’ Rabbit mouthed silently to himself with an irritable frown.

Celestia turned her head to Rabbit looking very seriously at the teenager. “Rabbit, whatever happens, no matter what he says, do not listen! He is a liar and a tr-...” she was suddenly cut off as Discord darted closer.

Reaching through the bars, he zipped up her lips, leaving the immortal goddess of the sun completely flustered. And completely helpless of course, through lack of fingers and thus incapable of operating the zipper-technology preventing her from articulating vocal noises beyond ‘hrmph,’ ‘hmph’ and ‘mmmmmhph!’

“Hold that thought, princess.” Discord chuckled before turning back to the human and clasping is mis-matched hands together. “Tell me young man; do you know who I am?” he inquired with a big grin.

“A liar and a tr-...?” Rabbit ended his sentence right there since he didn’t know what else Celestia was going to say.

That made Discord chuckle loudly, rolling back into an invisible lounger. Wiping away a non-existent tear the creature smiled. “How rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself.” Landing lightly, Discord gave a very deep bow, his goatee brushing the floor. “Quentin C. Discord, Spirit of Chaos and last of the Draconiquus! At your service.” In a flash of light a business card appeared in Rabbit’s hand.

He read it, bold letters spelling Discord simply printed across the grey card. With a roll of his eyes, the teenager chucked it over his shoulder.

“Rabbit, patron saint of lairs and scoundrels, particularly impatient human.” Rabbit introduced. “Ready to start swinging heavy objects in the general direction of your face.”

Discord clapped his hands against the sides of his face as he pretended to look shocked before the ‘O’-expression was replaced with a wide, malevolent grin. “Casual attitude and shallow threats? How delightfully rebellious.” Giggling, Discord swooped in close, draping a claw over the boy’s shoulder. “I know exactly who you are, Rabbit.”

Rabbit hurriedly turned and swatted the mish-mash of creatures away. But Discord had already disappeared into a puff of cotton-candy smoke, leaving a stack of rather un-flattering pictures fluttering to the ground. Rabbit stared at them, realising they were pictures of him, recently taken from varying locations and angles, immortalising some of his less moral Equestria exploits.

“I am such a fan!” Discord whispered unseen in the human’s ear.

The pictures disappeared in a poof of smoke before the draconiquus reappeared in the line of fire of Rabbit’s glare. “Why have you been watching me?” the boy mirrored Celestia’s earlier demand.

“Phphphffffff!” with a lazy roll of his eyes, Discord blew a sarcastic raspberry. “Why-why-why-why!? Why does everypony always ask why? I don’t know why, I just do things!”

“That’s pretty dumb.” Rabbit grumbled.

“Pfah! My reasoning is something mere mortals wouldn’t even be able to comprehend!” He tapped his chin thoughtfully for a moment. “Well, that is unless humans have an understanding of the pie of the fourth dimension.”

Rabbit scratched his head. “Umm...”

“Oh, what does it matter? With Celestia out of my hair and the elements none the wiser, I should be relishing these fleeting moments of sweet freedom!” Discord announced with a jolly laugh. “I’m missing some quality chaos here!”

Things escalated quickly from there. Rabbit watched rather dumbfounded as Discord proceeded to ignore the trapped princess and the three human figures. With waves of his arms he started throwing bolts of light, zapping the surrounding region.

Clouds flashed multiple colours and started spitting neatly moulded cubes of chocolate. The grass turned varying shades of purple and pink. The trees even grew wings, uprooting themselves and fluttering off into the air.

Rabbit was at a loss for words. This was chaos? Or at least, it was what Discord thought chaos was? Where were the pipe bombs? Where was the incoherent noise? Where were the riots? What Rabbit was looking at wasn’t really chaos. It was just... random!

And he had to admit it was rather hilarious to laugh at.

It started somewhere in the cockles of his heart, at the base of his rib-cage. A light convulsion, not a gag-reflex or a cough. Not even a heave in preparation to vomit. A tingling sensation, like he’d inhaled a bunch of feathers. It worked its way up his air-piped and nearly caused a sneeze. A sneeze laced with laughter.

Rabbit snorted into his hands, attempting to muffle the sound and stifle the laughter that followed. What resulted was the kind of noise heard when some dumbass thinks he’s being more quiet while trying to hold in a sneeze, failing to realise the resulting sound was far more jarring than an actually sneeze.

Picking up on the sound, Discord looked down inquisitively, drifting closer with a grin. “Ah, enjoying the chaos, are we? See, isn’t it a great thing?”

“I’m not laughing at your antics, buddy. I’m laughing at you.” Rabbit assured, stifling another snort with both hands.

That seemed to take Discord off guard. “W-what?”

“Hee-hee. Purple grass? Winged trees? Chocolate rain? C’mon, that’s not chaos.” Rabbit shook his head, still trying not to laugh blatantly in the draconiquus’ face.

“Yes it is!”

“It’s not, actually!” Rabbit said in a matter-of-factly tone before bringing in the jeering again. “Those are party-tricks, dumbass. What are you, the most powerful clown in Equestria?”

The spirit of ‘chaos’ leered. “I am not a clown! Don’t call me that.”

“Ooooh. Struck a nerve have I, spirit of CLOWNING!?” – Discord fumed while the teenager continued taunting –“C’mon, man. Even I could do better than that.”

“You did not just say that to me!” the draconiquus seethed.

“So what if I did?” Rabbit laughed, waving his hands in front of his face, working his knees as he swayed from side to side in the ancient, time-tempered ritualistic dance of ‘bring it bee-atch!’ “Come at me, bro! What’s the worst you’d do to me? Oh, no! Don’t make it rain chocolate on me!”

“Grrrrrrr!” Discord’s face had turned beet-red. Rabbit could even make out the steam shooting from his ears. “You talk pretty big for a little bipedal naked mole-rat!”

Rabbit held out his arms, provoking some drastic, unbridled action. “Bring it!”

“Oh, I’m bringing it! I’m bringing it all and then some!” Discord assured without much more physical confrontation than a single pointed jab to the teenager’s chest.

“Them’s fighting words, boy! Let’s see what you got!”

“Boy!?” Both Discord and Rabbit had been dancing around the actual confrontation stage of their altercation, but that was the straw that broke the pony’s back. Mushroom clouds erupted in Discord’s eyes. A haze of potentially deadly radioactive air framed the draconiquus. The tufts of waxy hair in his ears smouldered. His eyebrows caught fire outright. “You are ON! CHAOS GAMES! I, DISCORD, SPIRIT OF CHAOS HEREBY DECLARE THE CHAOS GAMES IN EFFECT!” Rabbit nearly had to cover his ears as the draconiquus squared right up to him. For dramatic effect there was even a bolt of lightning cracking through the sky behind Discord, shattering the air with a deafening BOOM!

Meanwhile on the far end of Discord’s forcefield, Luna cringed. “Oh, that’s not good.”

Trixie stopped trying to smash the shield and looked sideways at the pointy eared girl. “What’s not good?” she asked suspiciously.

“Chaos games.” Luna answered dryly, cringing again as she said the words herself. “Ancient duels for the throne of chaos. Discord came up with it so anypony could challenge him if they got sick of his chaos. But over the millennia he remains the undefeated champion. The winner takes Discord’s title.”

“And the loser?”

Luna gulped. “He or she is banished to oblivion. It is true what he says. He’d never turn a pony to stone.” The princess added.

On the other hand, Rabbit didn’t hear the girls.

“Yeah!” Rabbit whooped excitedly. “Chaos games! Bring it on! I’m gonna rule these games! Games of chaos. They’ll be ruled... conquered, these... chaos...” the teenager lost momentum and sort of cluelessly trailed off from there. “Uh...”

Eventually he turned to the perimeter of the force field where Trixie stood helplessly, before cupping his hands to either side of his mouth. “Yo, Trix!” he hollered. “What the fuck are chaos games!?”

Outside the pink bubble of energy, the traveling magician and loyal companion tiredly said hello to her face with the palm of her hand.

***[]***

Thus the games were afoot. The battlefield had been prepared – Discord had lowered his forcefield when Luna and Trixie had agreed not to interfere. Not that they could, mind you, since in human form they were both still pretty much powerless. Celestia was locked in her weave-cage and really had no say in the matter.

The royal gardens would be their coliseum. Discord was standing by the ruined remains of what had once been his reliquary performing all sorts of complicated stretches. Rabbit stood by Trixie trying his best not to look worried. On the whole he was confident enough he could make better chaos than Discord, but on the off-chance he couldn’t... spending any amount of time in oblivion didn’t sound at all inviting to him.

“This is a really bad idea, Rabbit.” Trixie reminded for the third time in the space of five minutes.

Rabbit just managed to scoff, shrugging up the straps of his backpack. “I’m full of bad ideas, remember?”

The girl grinned. She should have known he’d say that. She knew him so well, after all. She knew him well enough to figure he stood a chance versus Discord. But once again – on the off chance he didn’t...

“Well, here’s another one.” Trixie sighed, figuring that she too was full of terrible ideas. “Rabbit?”

“Yeah?” the teenager mumbled absently watching as Discord snapped his fingers a few times to warm up.

Trixie was rubbing her arm shyly as she looked down at the ground. “You heard me right the first time.”

“Saywhat?” Rabbit asked, still absently tuned in to the actual conversation.

“The first time. You heard me right.” Trixie repeated lifting her eyes.

The teenager very slowly tuned his gaze until he met hers. “I don’t follow.” Rabbit shrugged.

“I... I lo-...”

“It’s time, bunny-boy!” Discord’s voice very suddenly rang out, cutting right across what the girl was about to say.

Bunny-boy!?

It wasn’t so much his friend getting cut off that pissed him off. It was the name bunny-boy that got Rabbit fuming to the point his fists were trembling beyond control. “Take a deep breath and prepare to choke on my balls, asshole!” Rabbit yelled, pointing Discord out. Calming himself a little he glanced to his companion. “We’ll talk later, Trix. First, I’m gonna flush this fucker.”

Trixie risked a little giggle, but it didn’t make her feel any better. She’d prefer if they could put all this madness to their rudder, but unfortunately that wasn’t really an option. Not anymore anyway.

“Please be safe.” She whispered.

“You know me.” Rabbit returned with a smirk before marching to meet Discord on the battlefield.

Trixie sighed watching him go. “That’s what has me worried.”

Rabbit walked alone for what felt like a mile. There was always the chance of failure, and that would lead to an eternity in oblivion. He considered that about as bad as death... now he understood why they called the few dozen meters from the holding cells to the electric chair the green mile.

Hiding a grimace, the human walked up to the waiting draconiquus and stared up at his unevenly sized eyes. “Okay, so how are we doing this? Unless you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly a magic user.”

“Oh, that’s easily fixed. Let me see that thing you have on your pack.”

It took Rabbit a moment to realise Discord was talking about until he reached back. His hand bushed the handle of his climbing-axe before Rabbit yanked it from the holster and gave it a twirl. “What? This?”

Discord answered with a light flick of the wrist. A bust of static electricity connected the axe to his fingers as several pulses of energy entered Rabbit’s weapon-of-choice. When the static faded and Discord extinguished his smouldering fingers, Rabbit found his climbing-axe was glowing and buzzing in his hand. It was so energised, Rabbit had to resist the urge to raise the climbing-axe above his head and yell out about ‘having the power.’

“My powers are now linked to that little implement of larceny you have there.” Discord explained simply. “You have three uses, and only three.”

“That’s a little Arabian Nights isn’t it? Shouldn’t you give me an unlimited amount of tricks just to be sure?” Rabbit tried giving the climbing-axe an experimental swing. It felt no different, other than giving a distinct ‘swishing’ noise as he swung.

“Nice try.” Discord chuckled. “Three is part of the rules of our duel. I cause some chaos, and you try to upstage me. Winner leads the next round. Best out of three rounds wins. Loser spends an eternity in oblivion, yadda-yadda-yadda.”

Meanwhile, on the side-lines Trixie gave an offhanded comment to Luna. “See? Their duel has a set of ground rules.” An aggravated groan was drawn from the princess.

Back on the battlefield however, Rabbit was nodding. “Fine. So how do I use this thing?”

“Just point and imagine. I’ll begin.” Discord snapped his fingers and Chaos Games commenced.

In a flash of light erupting from his hands, he turned the clouds above their heads into hot-pink puffs of cotton candy. Swooping up he scraped a chunk off on his finger and licked it up, humming contentedly.

“Pow! Cotton candy clouds! Good ol’ faithful!” Discord cheered before bowing to Rabbit to take a shot.

Rabbit rolled his eyes. “Please. That’s not chaos. Lemme show you chaos.”

He pointed his climbing-axe up at the clouds and imagined what he thought was chaos.

With a flash of light the clouds turned into a black mess of... well... it was a riot. At first it seemed like a stormy cloud had appeared, but the wisps of heavy vapour took humanoid forms and started picking up whatever rubble shaped clouds they could. On the other end were cloud figures cowering behind their shields as a full-on riot broke out. Lightning bolt molotov-cocktails exploded across riot shields. Soft and fluffy batons caved in equally soft and fluffy skulls...

How this was all physically possible, I’ll let your imagination figure that one out.

Rabbit smirked. What’s more chaotic than a riot? Even the spirit of chaos couldn’t deny that one.

Huffing begrudgingly, Discord averted his eyes. “Fine. Point to the mortal.”

That meant Rabbit was leading, and led round two... but to his dismay the teenager discovered he was out of ideas. What else could he cause that was chaos? How about a bunny-riot? No, he’d covered riots already. A war? No, he imagined the locals wouldn’t take kindly to him plunging their whole world in darkness and death. Rabid Man-U fans? Damascus traffic?

Scratching his head with his climbing-axe, Rabbit aimed to the sky again and imagined... rain.

Or a monsoon more precisely.

The heavens unleashed a mighty barrage of liquid, that swirled around them and blistered them with lashings of ice cold... cola? Rabbit had to open his mouth and taste to be sure, but that was cola raining from the sky. A strange side-effect to be sure, but it was pretty... chaotic if not anything else. maybe a little too ‘Discord region’ random and clownish, but chaotic enough.

Rabbit had to cup his hands around his mouth and shout over the howling wind to be heard. “Soda-pop-monsoon! Beat that!”

Discord laughed heartily, which left Rabbit a little worried.

Waving his hand, the draconiquus calmed the downpour and got rid of the gale-force winds. Conjuring up a glass, he filled it with the cola rain before tipping it back into his mouth. But instead of drinking the cola inside, the bubbly liquid remained solid while the glass turned to liquid. Guzzling the glass down, Discord smacked his lips with a refreshing ‘aaaaaah’ before tossing the block of cola over his shoulder.

It exploded on impact leaving Rabbit completely baffled. Crossing his arms the human sighed. Not only was that chaotically random, it was pretty damn awesome to boot. “Point to Discord.” Rabbit deadpanned.

They were tied. Time for Discord to break that tie by leading round three.

Discord’s hands raised as the quartet of violins opened their first screeching notes. The trumpets built with the rising crescendo as the heavens darkened. The very earth shook as static energy gathered around the draconiquus, and as the invisible brass band led a mighty musical charge, Discord unleashed his pent up powers to produce an orchestra of chaos.

What Discord conjured into existence is a little difficult to explain in detail, so just bear with me. He spawned into existence a stage and flanking stands for the symphony orchestra. Said orchestra was comprised of dogs, varying in breed and a mess of ‘regurgitated-fruit-pastilles’ colours. The hounds had their heads raised to the sky, howling out like cats at midnight, screeching out the rolling thrum of ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ by composer Richard Wagner. The stage itself was populated by heavy set buffalo standing on their hind legs and performing a delicate looking dance while outfitted in swan-costumes. Standing before the stage were a rabble of insane looking ponies – criminally inside judging by the ill-fitted strait-jackets and frizzy manes, not to mention the wall-eyes. They were hurling pies at the ballet-buffalo, at the same time arguing among themselves about what sounded like the intricacies of corporate ethics.

Ladies and gentlemen, I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried.

Rabbit was stunned beyond words. The climbing-axe slipped from his grip and hit the ground with a thud. How the hell was he supposed to top that!? He’d barely come up with something for round two! The teenager’s mind drew blank. He may as well start packing his bags for oblivion.

Gulping, the boy faked a grin as he glanced to Discord. The spirit of chaos gave a confident chuckle, knowing full well the human couldn’t top that. Mimicking the chuckle, Rabbit quickly dropped to his knees to retrieve his climbing-axe. Already he was compiling an escape plan. Dash for the city walls, lose discord in the sewers and escape Canterlot by way of one of those cascading waterfalls. From there it was a straight run to Ponyville where he’d beg – on hands and fucking knees if he had to – for Twilight Sparkle and her friendship squad to lend a hand... hoof.

As he scraped up the climbing-axe in preparation for his half-brained attempt at escaping his fate, Rabbit noticed something. A glistening little black creature perched in the cropped grass beside his knee.

The slug’s eyes lifted and gave the teenager a casual salute. “Hey.” The slug greeted plainly.

Rabbit gave a small grin. “Hey. I was wondering when you’d show up to help.” He admitted softly.

“Yeah, you’re kind of getting your butt handed to you again, so I figured I might lend my time to give some input.”

Rabbit gaped. “What do you mean, again!?”

The slug gave the boy a look as if to say ‘Really? I have to go into this now?’

Giving a sigh, Rabbit rubbed his eyes. “Okay, fine. I get my ass kicked a lot, but this time I’m up against the spirit of fucking chaos. What chance do I stand?”

“Well, how did you beat Nightmare Moon?”

“Mallet to the face.”

“And how did Shepherd beat the Collector?”

“Bullet to the face.”

“Starting to see a pattern here?”

Rabbit stared at the slug before looking at his climbing-axe. “Magic climbing-axe to the face? I can do that?” he asked looking back at his slimy guardian angel.

“You are sharing Discords powers!” the slug cried. “The power to do anything you will! What do you think!?”

“You’d think he’d have a failsafe for that.”

Clearing his throat and throwing in the best Yoda-impression he could, the slug said:“His undoing, his confidence is.”

Rabbit’s eyes rolled. “Are you sure that’s not just dramatic convenience?”

The little slug sighed explosively, rubbing his temples as a migraine came on. How that’s physically possible is beyond me – I’m just the narrator. “Just get it done.”

“You sound like my mom.”

“Well at least one of us does!” the slug snapped.

Rabbit glanced over his shoulder to where Discord drifted high out of reach. Looking back to the slug, Rabbit was about to asked how he’d bring the draconiquus down to his level, but the creature was gone. Faded out / withdrawn into the shadows / no longer among us. He guessed he had to figure that one out for himself. And as per usual it didn’t take him long to come up with an incredibly bad idea.

“What’s the matter, bunny-boy?” Discord chortled, watching the boy squirm on the ground below.

“Nothing.” Rabbit answered while fidgeting with his climbing-axe.

“Well then, are you ready to face oblivion for Equestria then?”

Finishing what he was doing, the teenager gave Discord a quick glance. “I am, actually.”

“You are?”

“Yup.” Rabbit straightened up and faced his foe, swinging his climbing-axe by his side. He’d tied one end of his climbing rope to the wrist strap and was swinging the device like a grappling hook. “Course, that ain’t exactly plan-A!”

“W-wha-...” Discord had held out his hands as if to say ‘don’t you dare,’ but it made no difference.

Rabbit wasn’t one to stop when others told him to. On the next up-swing of his climbing-axe, Rabbit released the rope. His makeshift grappling hook flew straight and true. Discord dove to avoid, but he was too slow. The rope whipped around his neck and the hooked pick of the climbing-axe locked on its own tether. Secure, Rabbit gave the makeshift noose a sharp pull, eliciting a gag from the draconiquus before he was yanked right out of the sky.

Without hesitating, Rabbit jumped on top of the spirit of chaos, pinning him in the dirt.

“Say uncle!” Rabbit yelled as he unhooked his climbing-axe from the rope and held it high as if he was about to mine out Discord’s brains. “Say – motherfucking – uncle, bitch!”

Discord held up his hands, eyes wide with panic. His fingers poised to generate some magic to throw off the human, but with one arm pinning his throat down the other raised high, Rabbit brought the climbing-axe down. As it swished, he flicked it through is fingers, twisting the implement down so the dull back-end flew straight at the draconiquus’ face.

It made contact with a rather comical ‘clonk!’

On impact the climbing-axe seemed to let out a pop and the two were consumed by a white light. When it faded, Trixie, Luna and Celestia blinked with surprise to see the draconiquus and the human had disappeared completely.

Meanwhile, far across time and space the teenager and the spirit of chaos locked in their epic slap-battle winked back into existence in dim, dank cave. They hit the hard uneven floor in a clumsy jumble. Rabbit drove a knee into Discord’s gut before pushing the serpentine creature off him and pinning the shaft of the climbing-axe across the throat, his free hand curled into a fist as he rapped his knuckles against the dazed draconiquus’ face a few times.

Punch – “Settle...” – punch – “The...” – punch – “Fuck...” – punch – “Down!”

“Quit-... ow! Hitting-... ouch! Me-... yow!”

So caught up in trying to keep the spirit of chaos zapping him into oblivion, the teenager barely noticed his surroundings.

It took him a moment of blinking and focusing to realise they weren’t scuffling on the floor of any old cave... it was the bat-cave, the caped crusader himself – Batman – standing by and staring at them with bafflement.

Rabbit stared right back at Batman, right hand pinning Discord down, left hand half-cocked for another punch. Blinking a few times, Rabbit eventually threw one last punch in the draconiquus’ face, not taking his eyes off the vigilante. The realisation that hitting Discord with his climbing-axe caused them to leap through dimensions came to him very slowly.

Lowering his voice into a barely coherent, gravely, marble-gargling growl, Rabbit said: “Sorry.”

Figuring they’d best move on before they both ended up on the receiving end of the dark knight’s wrath, Rabbit bashed Discord in the face with the climbing-axe again and they flashed out of existence.

At the same time they flashed back into existence in a smaller room. It was a bedroom, the walls adorned with movie and video-game posters. In front of them was a computer-screen perched on a low cabinet along with a stark white X-Box 360 and a controller with a tangled wire splayed out on the carpeted floor in front of it. Off to the left was the unmade bunk-bed with a cluttered desk underneath beside a rickety looking wardrobe. The desk was adorned with modelling paints, shreds of grip-tape, electronics and a crumpled tangle of cut-out templates. Clothes were scattered over the desk chair and the bed’s railings, as well as half hanging out of the pantry beside the bolted door.

It took him a full thirty seconds to realise they were sitting in his own bedroom. Not too keen on explaining to his mom why he was fighting a technicolour Frankenstein monster in his bedroom, Rabbit quickly bashed the draconiquus in the face again.

The next flash brought them to another strangely familiar setting. Not somewhere he’d ever been before, but something more like the bat-cave. Something he’d seen on television...

The memory clicked.

“Ah, right.” Rabbit deadpanned, identifying a particular figure leaned over a nearby railing and staring at them. “The TARDIS!”

“What!?” the Doctor cried confoundedly at the sight of them.

“Sorry.” Rabbit flashed the Doctor a grin as he mimicked the ‘Doctor Who’ typical English accent. “Just passing through.”

“What!?”

“Oh, and by the way,” Rabbit added as he raised his climbing-axe. “A fez is not as cool as a bush-hat. I’m just sayin’.”

“What!?”

Another clang of metal meeting draconiquus face and they disappeared.

When they landed, Rabbit fell off discord and landed uncomfortably on his side. the burgundy carpet burned his cheek as his face slammed into the deck. Blinking hard a few times, he had to sit up to check where they had landed.

Much to his surprise he found himself on the command deck of a vessel of some sort. There was a soft thrum of electronics in the background. To the front there were two comfortable looking leather loungers with beige computer consoles erected at their front.

The young looking helmsman glanced to his particularly pale side-seat comrade before they resumed staring confused at Rabbit and Discord.

Looking towards the rear of the room Rabbit saw three chairs – each occupied – and to their back a long curved wooden balustrade. Behind that was a curved wall home to various brightly lit computer consoles, each and every one manned. One particular man standing at the consoles looked like he was made up and ready to go to a sci-fi-con.

The centrally seated figure, and older bald gentleman clad in a tight fitted black and red uniform pressed his hands into the armrests of his chair and very slowly rose to his feet. He had a look about him that demanded respect. The authority behind the man literally caused the air to waver in a blur around him.

Looking very slowly to one of the room’s flanks, Rabbit noted a christening plaque erected beside several compartments hiding advanced electronics within.

The USS Enterprise.

“Oh, this is familiar!” Discord called out.

The man in red, quite obviously the captain of the enterprise pointed directly at Discord. From his mouth was uttered a single constenant: “Q!?”

“Ah, not today, mon-capitein!” Discord announced with a respectful little bow.

Rabbit rolled his eyes. “Well, I’ve had quite enough of this!” rolling over, Rabbit swung the dull end of his climbing-axe while closing his eyes and thinking of home.

‘Home’ in actuality being ‘Equestria.’

In a flash of white light they re-appeared in the royal gardens. What resulted was another explosion of chaos, complete with all prior discomforts. As Rabbit was thrown clear of the ground, he tumbled head over heels several rotations before smacking into the dirt. He quite literally bounced on his first landing before hitting the deck face down and sliding to a halt. With a distinct thud his climbing-axe thudded into the dirt right beside him, erected in the ground by the hooked pick like Excalibur would have been lodged in a rock.

Slowly blinking away the multi-coloured spots in his field of vision, Rabbit turned his head to where Discord had landed. The spirit of chaos didn’t even bother rising to his feet. by his glare, Rabbit judged the draconiquus just wanted to be rid of Rabbit. So he formed a pistol shape with his hawk-hand and aimed directly at the teenager.

There was no avoiding it anymore. Rabbit shut his eyes, bracing himself for eternal exile to what he could only imagine was hell. The draconiquus’ thumb snapped forward, un-cocking in an indication of shooting. Any second now, Rabbit expected to be propelled upon the winds of magic into his miserable new abode in oblivion...

Nothing happened.

Opening his eyes after a while, Rabbit looked back at Discord as the spirit of chaos rapidly snapped his fingers in frustration. Powerless, absolutely nothing happened. All of Discord’s power was gone. Rabbit looked back at the climbing axe where it sat embedded in the lawn. It was glowing and buzzing brighter than it had before when Discord shared his powers to it.

Rabbit’s climbing-axe must have absorbed the rest of Discord’s powers! Well, Rabbit had been imagining how easy the chaos games would be if Rabbit drained all of Discord’s powers. He just didn’t expect that to work. How convenient.

Rabbit wasn’t going to bother figuring out whether he had actually won the Chaos Games or not. Happy enough, he was just going to go with it. Reaching out, the teenager picked up the climbing-axe out of the dirt and stared at it.

“Well that was pretty fucking ninja.” Holding his axe tight, he climbed to his feet, dusting himself down. “Does this mean I win?”

Discord kept snapping his fingers, barely believing what he was witnessing. “But... but... you can’t win! That wasn’t even chaos! I’m supposed to win! You... you cheated!”

“Well, duh! I was losing. ‘Course I’m gonna cheat. So you’re powerless now and I’m holding a climbing-axe that can do most anything in the universe. That’s pretty cool. What should I do first...?” Rabbit rubbed his chin thoughtfully before perking up when enlightenment hit him. “Ooh, I know!”

Turning, Rabbit aimed the implement directly at Celestia. After a moment to imagine something, a bolt of lightning struck the princess’s cage. The bars grew in intensity catching Celestia by surprise. For a moment she though the unthinkable... well, power does corrupt. The thing about Rabbit though, he thought that while corruption could be fun, ultimate power took the fun right out of it. What’s the fun in breaking the rules if it’s too easy?

That was when the weave-gem burst apart into a million little shimmering shards of stone. Celestia’s cage started to warp and lose shape, fading very slowly out of existence. Cracks of black light formed over the now brittle bars containing the princess of Equestria as she bucked at them.

Meanwhile, the spirit slug took flight. Drifting on a ghostly wind, he floated up around Celestia’s fading cage and flew off into the sky. As he did so, the little creature flipped the draconiquus the bird. Though, how this was done without hands – or fingers even – was a mystery to all. Like I said, I’m just the narrator.

As he went he did impart upon them some divine final words...

“FFFFfuuuuuuuuck-yooooouuuuuuu-Diiiiiiscoooooord!”

Mind-blowing stuff.

As the slug faded away, Rabbit and Discord looked at each other. The spirit of chaos looked down at the climbing-axe in the teenager’s hand then up to his face again...

And without warning the draconiquus launched himself closer. Rabbit immediately threw up his arms to defend himself before Discord collided with him.

“Give me that!” Discord yelled, grabbing for the implement.

“Hey! Get your own super-powered climbing-axe!”

While the two of them were struggling for control over the artefact of ultimate chaotic power, Trixie and Luna looked at each other. If there was ever a sign to indicate Chaos Games were over, that was it. And their promise not to interfere no longer applied.

Kicking off, the two girls dashed past Celestia’s still fading cage to help Rabbit.

Seeing them come in the corner of his eye, Discord pulled at the climbing-axe. Punching Rabbit in the gut, causing him to bulge his eyes and cough out a lung-full of air, the draconiquus managed to point the climbing-axe at the two humanised ponies. A bolt of lightning shot from the axe and slammed into the dirt at their feet, producing a tear in the earth. Trixie and Luna immediately slid to a halt at the edge of a massive gaping chasm that formed between them and Rabbit.

“Aww, crap.” Trixie sighed looking down in the dark void below. It was a good few metres to leap across, and from what she could see no way around. Also, it was a disconcerting infinity straight down.

Luna wasn’t looking down, she was watching where Rabbit twisted at the climbing-axe and smacked his elbow in Discord’s face. He was kicking at the back of the knees and trying to throw the powerless spirit of chaos off-balance. But being serpentine and distinctly bigger than Rabbit, it was easier said than done. Discord would snake from one side to the other, sometimes even balancing on his tail to prevent being thrown to the ground.

Remembering what he’d been taught what felt like a lifetime ago, Rabbit locked his forearm around the weapon they fought for and punched Discord in the relative position of his kidneys. As the draconiquus gasped, Rabbit twisted around, stepped in close with his own stance as low as possible and he whipped Discord right over one shoulder. He may have been big, but he was lean, and very light.

For a moment it looked like Rabbit was about to throw Discord into the ground and stomp him out... but the stubborn son of a bitch twisted in the air and landed neatly on his feet again.

“C’mon!” Rabbit growled angrily through gritted teeth, leaning back as Discord clawed for the teenager’s face.

Standing helplessly by the side lines, Luna cupped her hands around her mouth and cried out to the teenager. “Stand fast, my love. Know of my affection for thee and thy shall prevail.”

Trixie scoffed when she heard that. “If you love him so much, jump across this chasm and help him!”

“Are thou completely mad? Honour should be done to a lady by her champion!”

Throwing her arms up in defeat, Trixie’s loud reply went along the lines of: “What bucking planet are you from!?”

They were interrupted and looked back at the fight when Rabbit let out a “Whoa!”

Discord pushed, letting go of the climbing-axe. As Rabbit stumbled back in surprise, Discord launched himself in close again, clawing at the axe. Rabbit pulled away, twisting and leaning from side to side in an attempt to keep the draconiquus from it. As a result though, he only had one arm to protect himself and was getting pummelled.

Hands and fists smacked him upside the head, punched him in the gut, that ram’s leg bucked him painfully in the shin. Rabbit eventually dropped to one knee, holding up the glowing climbing-axe in both hands to block another kick. That was when Discord quickly recoiled and snatched the ‘totem of chaos’ clean out of Rabbit’s hands.

As he held up the climbing-axe in victory, Celestia head-butted the edge of her cage. A corner broke away and faded into a shower of pixels leaving a gaping hole in her cage. In an instant she charged her horn and unleashed a searing beam of light in Discord’s direction. It cut through the air by his ear, singing his fur and causing the draconiquus to duck for cover.

“Whoa, now! Take it easy, princess!” Discord chuckled as he grabbed Rabbit by the scruff of his neck. With a heave he lifted the teenager to his feet and held the human between him and the escaping princess like a meat-shield, the sharp pick of the climbing-axe hooked around his throat. “Wouldn’t want to do something stupid!”

Celestia threw her shoulder against the crumbling cage as more portions started breaking away. but she wasn’t breaking free quickly enough. Seeing this, Trixie glanced between the princess and where Discord was holding her best friend in all of Equestria hostage. She glanced down at the abyss at her feet... but she didn’t care anymore.

Taking a breath, the girl hopped backwards a few paces, then sprinted right at the chasm. Luna gaped as if Trixie had gone completely mad. Maybe she had gone completely mad. She was risking her life for a human.

Though in her heart she knew he wasn’t just any human. He was her human.

On her last pace she teetered precariously over the chasm torn into the royal gardens before leaping into the air. Her legs kicked for balance as she was launched across the gaping crevasse and landed simultaneously on both feet, just about on the other side.

Barely...

“Trix, holy shit!” Rabbit yelled trying to run to her side as the girl wind-milled her arms, looking like she was about to fall backwards into the ravine. Discord tightened his grip though, and the human was held in place.

Regaining her balance though, Trixie leaned forward and took a step closer to the draconiquus holding her friend with a relieved sigh. Steeling herself, the girl took a low stance and curled her hands into fists. Still magically exhausted, she couldn’t start levitating heavy objects to throw at the spirit of chaos, nor conjure up so much as a fire-ball. But if push came to shove she’d resort to doing what Rabbit usually did.

Pick up something heavy and start swinging. She learned from the best, it seemed.

“Let him go!” Trixie yelled angrily, her voice audibly breaking with rage.

Discord huffed, lifting his head over Rabbit’s shoulder. “How touching!” he jeered. Turning his eyes back to Rabbit, Discord’s eyes flared nervously. “I don’t have enough power fight everypony looking to be a hero, but I have enough to punish you. It’s time for your little holiday to come to an end, bunny-boy! Arrivederci!”

Discord raised the climbing-axe high as Trixie reached out as if to catch the draconiquus’ arm. “No, don’t!” she yelled dashing closer.

She was powerless to stop it. Discord twisted the axe around and brought it down sharply, smashing the backend against Rabbit’s head. Discord’s final, definitive blow felt kind of like a firework had gone off inside Rabbit’s head.

Through Rabbit’s eyes the world seemed to explode into blinding white light. The trauma of the impact left an audible ringing in the teenager’s ears. And after a long time came silence, before the light gave way to an endless void of nothingness.

A carefully calculated copious amount of nothing filled the space all around him. There was so much nothing filling up the amount of nothing to be had that there was – in fact – nothing there to be had. Yes, this description of the nothing Rabbit drifted through was gratuitously pointless. And no, I don’t care.

Point is; Rabbit was no more...

***[Time – Hans Zimmer]***

Author’s Note:

First of all, I’d like to thank everyone who’s read my stories. I’d like to especially thank everyone who left a thumbs up or a favourite. And I’d like to doubly thank everyone who left a comment. All the words of encouragement, reviews, corrections and critiques have been a massive help. Versus Equestria is my first fanfic, so I need all the help I can get. I know I don’t address all the great comments I get, so here’s an answer to all of them so far.

Thank you! Thankyou-thankyou-thankyou! Without the support I don’t think I’d ever have gotten this far.

Also, very important, I need to thank Andrew Joshua Talon for – and this is a long list of stuff so it’s literally going to have to be a list:

1: Letting me throw in an Andrew Shepherd ‘Hands’ cameo in Interval 2.

2: Helping me with getting Andrew Shepherd right so he wouldn’t be too far off-character.

3: Helping edit.

4: Coming up with such cool ideas that inspire me.

5: Helping develop Interval 2 in general. Seriously, the original idea I had for Interval 2 was crap ‘till Andrew came along and straightened me out. :)

‘Kay, I’m done sucking up to superior writers now.

Rabbit’s gonna be back in Interval 4 along with a bunch of cool new ideas I wanna share with you guys. Catch you on the flip-side.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Interlude: The Terrific Trixie and Remarkable Rabbit Show!

Interlude: The Terrific Trixie and Remarkable Rabbit Show.

Once upon a time Rabbit was part of the drama-club at his school. How and why that actually came to be is probably a story best left untold. But as you can probably guess, girls had been involved. I mean, c’mon. What other reason could there be for a teenage boy to want to contribute to the school’s drama-club other than part-take in a smooching scene with that hot girl from class 4J?

Let’s just say Rabbit’s plan backfired to an extent, and instead of getting any smooch-scenes out of it – much to his aggravation – Rabbit ended up in several musical roles in the high-school productions – causing even more aggravation. And this was before all that High-School Musical bullshit. This was before prancing around on stage singing like a cat-being-strangled was cool. When Rabbit was roped up in the drama-club, it was considered incredibly gay. And Rabbit suffered the wrath of his friends.

Regardless, much to his own surprise all the drama-coaching had paid off. Rabbit could act with reasonable competence. That meant he was also a damn good liar. Many times he’d been able to lie right to a teacher’s face and get away with it. Who knew a teacher could actually fall for the ‘my dog ate it’ excuse? The best was pretending to be sick so he could leave half an hour before the final bell. Classic!

So to make a long story short, Rabbit’s first endeavour in Equestria wasn’t direct thievery. Shortly after arrival he toured Stalliongrad and Trottingham with The Great and Powerful Trixie in an attempt to make a legitimate living. How, you ask? Simple!

By putting on a show.

Trottingham. Four days after first contact. Only a stone’s throw away from the city of Stalliongrad – as the crow flies, of course – Trottingham was home to a crowd more accustomed to street performers. It was a smaller city, home to more down to earth, nitty-gritty ponies. So nitty-gritty in fact, the Trottingham accent often left ponies with the impression they’d just been verbally shivved and mugged.

It had been said Trottingham was the birthplace of charlatans, scam-driven fortune tellers and most importantly, the ever opportunistic street performers. The streets of this city were well known for the performers on every corner and in every porch. It had become something of a tourist attraction during the warmer seasons.

It was in Trottingham where Trixie and Rabbit had tried to throw their show into full swing.

“Come and see, Trottingham!” the Great and Powerful Trixie’s magnificent voice cried over the masses. Her theatrical allure mixed with the improvised Trottingham accent instantly twitched at the ears of many passing ponies who stopped to see the azure unicorn perched on her drape-adorned stage-coach. She had reared back, throwing her hooves up to beckon in the masses. “Come and see! The Great and Powerful Trixie has for your entertainment, the first of a new series of shows! Come and marvel, for your eyes only! The Terrific Trixie and Remarkable Rabbit Show!”

On queue there was a plethora of explosions. Vibrant lights flashed over the gathering crowd of common ponies as the fireworks were launched from back stage, glittering in the wide eyes of the watchers who ‘ooooooh’-ed and ‘aaaaaaah’-ed like a mass of brainless zombies, drinking in the spectacular lightshow.

“Fillies and gentlecolts, for your viewing delight;” Trixie continued, reeling the watchers in with a broad smile. “From all the way across the multi-verse, in Equestria for a limited time only...” the lights of the fireworks faded as her stage-lights dimmed too. An ominous drum beat played in the background. Several fillies in the front rows cowered. Several ponies were anxiously biting at their hooves in anticipation. Others quaked with excitement. “It’s the one... the only... the Remarkable Rabbit!”

The curtains parted and the teenager jumped out onto stage. Back then he was in reasonably good form. There was no patch on the knee of his trousers, his shirt was still intact and his bush-hat was neatly perched on his head. He didn’t have his own backpack, nor his climbing-axe quite yet, but the procurement of those items is a different story for a different day.

As he landed before the ‘adoring’ audience he held out his arms and cried out a loud: “Ta-daa!”

...

The silence that had befallen the street that was their theatre was so pronounced, Rabbit could literally hear the screech of grasshoppers. Still gritting his teeth, the teenager’s smile faded into a shit-eating grin.

“Oh, c’mon. Not even a round of applause?” Rabbit murmured to his companion, who simply shrugged.

And then came the voices of irritation.

“Booo!” shouted a colt in the crowd.

“That’s not a rabbit!” a mare in the back row claimed.

“What a rip-off!”

“Got our hopes up for a shaved monkey?”

Rabbit eased his stance before looking at Trixie and announcing: “Okay, so clearly ponies aren’t exactly impressed by trans-dimensional aliens. What’s plan-B?”

Clearing her throat loudly, Trixie held up a hoof to stop the dispersing crowd. “Wait, Trottingham-illians! He can do tricks.” She announced proudly. The dispersing ponies paused to look back, though in their eyes they were clearly unimpressed. Dogs could do tricks. Sheep could do tricks. Heck, with practice a gold-fish could do tricks!“Of course, no trick as good as the Great and Powerful Trixie!” the azure unicorn finished with a proud smile.

Rabbit paused a beat. “Whoa, s’cuse me!” he piped up raising a hand as if waiting permission to talk in class. Regardless, he voiced his concerns. “I’ll have you know I can do anything you can do... maybe even better!”

“Hah!” the unicorn let out.

“Anything you can do I can do better;” Trixie began to sing. “I can do anything better than you!”

“No, you can't.” Rabbit argued casually.

To which Trixie assured with a nod: “Yes, I can.”

“No, you can't.” the human insisted.

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can't.”

“Yes, I can, yes, I can!” the unicorn defended, squaring up to the human who merely waved her off with a casual shrug.

Intrigued, the spectators shuffled closer, eager to see where this was going. Ponies previously having lost interest were quickly drawn back in.

“Anything you can be I can be greater;” Rabbit sang with a placid air of confidence. “Sooner or later I'm greater than you.”

Trixie scoffed. “No, you're not.”

“Yes, I am.” Rabbit guaranteed.

“No, you're not.”

“Yes, I am!” the teenager quickly grew a little irritated.

“No, you're not.”

“Yes, I am, yes I am!” Rabbit ended up crying rather defensively. Straightening his collar and composing himself, the teenager took a breath and continued on a faster rhythm: “I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge.”

“I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow.” Trixie boasted, mimicking his unheard metronome.

“I can live on bread and cheese.”

Trixie frowned. “And only on that?”

“Eeyup!” Rabbit grinned proudly.

“So can a rat.” the showmare deadpanned, wiping that smirk right off the human’s face. The crowd giggled as Rabbit didn’t look the least bit amused.

“Any note you can sing I can go higher.” Rabbit suggested.

“I can sing any note higher than you.” Trixie rebuked.

Rabbit scoffed. “No, you can't.”

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can't!” Rabbit raised his voice.

“Yes, I can!!” Trixie went an octave higher.

“No, you can't!!!”

“Yes, I can!!!!”

“NO, YOU CANT!” His voice breaking as he couldn’t go any higher, Rabbit just resorted to shouting at the top of his lungs.

“Yes, I – caaa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN-n.” as Trixie’s voice went higher than a normal pony’s voice should have gone, several of the spectators had to plug their ears.

As the ringing in his ears faded, Rabbit chuckled disbelievingly. “How do you sing that high?”

“I’m a mare!” the unicorn answered as if it were obvious.

Snorting, Rabbit turned to the spectators and said suggestively:“Well, she coulda fooled me!” eliciting a rousing laugh from the crowd.

As an act of revenge the mare threw her shoulder against Rabbit’s hip causing him to stumble awkwardly to one side.

Growling, Rabbit glared at the unicorn. “Anything you can say I can say softer.”

Trixie huffed. “I can say anything softer than you.”

“No, you can't.” Rabbit shrank his voice.

“Yes, I can.” Trixie assured as she went even more quiet.

“No, you can't.”

“Yes, I can.”

“No, you can't.” Rabbit whispered.

Trixie’s voice was barely a whisper anymore, so soft the crowd had to lean in and strain to hear her. “Yes, I can, YES I CAN!” she very suddenly yelled in Rabbit’s ear.

Recovering with a comical stumble, Rabbit rolled up his sleeves as if to say that this meant war. He continued with: “I can drink my liquor faster than a flicker.”

“I can do it quicker,” Trixie assured with a boastful smile. “And get even sicker.”

Rabbit mimicked turning a combination lock to get his point across. “I can open any safe.”

“Without being caught?” Trixie asked disbelievingly.

Rabbit scoffed with a proud nod. “You bet!”

“That's what I thought.” The unicorn smugly grinned, adding: “Ya’ crook.”

Huffing, the human teenager presented her a hand to talk to. “Any note you can hold I can hold longer.”

“I can hold any note longer than you.”

“No, you can't.” Rabbit sighed with a shake of his head.

“Yes, I can.” The unicorn quickly rebuked with a nod.

“No, you can't.”

“Yes, I ca-aaaan.”

“No, you ca-aaaaaaaaaan't.”

“Yes, I-III-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-...” – Rabbit checked his watch as a full minute ticked over. Several ponies were frowning with concern as Trixie’s face was turning a deeper shade of blue. Rabbit yawned. And then eventually – “... I can.” She finished on a small squeak before gasping for breath.

Rabbit groaned as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Okay, so you can. But where do you keep all that air?”

Trixie proudly patted her chest with a hoof. “Duh!”

Rabbit grumbled as his eyelids sagged tiredly. “Hrmph!”

A sudden idea lit up in the form of a light bulb behind the teenager’s eyes. Straightening up, he smiled rather proud of himself for coming up with it. “Anything you can say I can say faster.” He said quickly.

Trixie laughed a ‘don’t make me laugh’ kind of laugh. “I can say anything faster than you.”

“Noyoucan't!” Rabbit fired off.”

Trixie retorted, matching his speed. “YesIcan!”

“Noyoucan't.”

“YesIcan.”

“Noyoucan't.”

“YesIcan.”

“Noyoucan't.”

“YesIcan.”

Since that argument wasn’t going anywhere, Rabbit quickly jumped sideways, clean over Trixie’s back and landed on her opposite side leaving the unicorn a little surprised and dizzy. “I can jump a hurdle.”

“I can wear a girdle.” Trixie sang, winking to a colt in the crowd suggestively.

“I can knit a sweater.”

Trixie scoffed, waving a hoof over her figure compared to Rabbit’s. “I can fill it better.”

Practically giving up the argument, Rabbit threw up his arms and said: “I can do most anything.”

“Can you bake a pie!?” Trixie challenged.

“No.” the teenager grimaced.

Smiling broadly and opening her mouth excitedly as she though she finally had him, Trixie came to a realisation and the corners of her mouth immediately turned downward. “Neither can I.” she moaned sadly.

An uncomfortable silence fluttered between them as the duo thought hard about how they would challenge each other. Trixie sat down tapping a hoof against her bottom lip. Rabbit was confoundedly scratching his head. with riveted attention, the ponies in the crowd watching their musical argument leaned closer in anticipation.

“Ah!” Eventually Rabbit suddenly perked up as something sprang to mind. Seeing this, Trixie stood and moved closer, eager to hear what challenge he had in store for her. “Anything you can sing I can sing sweeter.”

“Phah! I can sing anything sweeter than you.” Trixie crudely retorted.

Slowing down, Rabbit deepened his voice and sang as sweetly as he could: “No, you can't.”

“Yes! Yes I can.” Trixie assured in a voice that could give you diabetes.

“No-ho-hooo, you can't.”

“Ohh~, yes, I ca-aaaaan.”

“No, you caaa-ha-haaan't.”

“Yes, I ca-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaan.”

Losing patience with each other, the human and the showmare went nose to nose, glaring daggers.

“No, you can't, can't, can't!” Rabbit growled angrily.

“Yes, I can, can, can, can!” Trixie seethed through gritted teeth.

“No...” Rabbit started.

“Yes...” Trixie interrupted.

“You...”

“I...”

“Ca-aaaaaaaaaaa-...” they sang in unison, holding a high note for quite a while before Rabbit finished on a: “-an’t!” and Trixie finished on: “-an!”

As the crescendo came to an abrupt halt the performers bowed in unison. The crowd went wild, stamping their hooves in a form of pony-applause and whistling in approval. As the cheers met their ears the duo made their exit stage right and waited for the onlookers to move on making space for the next passing crowd.

But before drawing them in, Trixie and Rabbit had to check the ceramic bowl perched on the ‘apron’ of the stage. It was where their admirers would have thrown bits in appreciation of their performance. And judging by the cheer they had received from a crowd of about fifty ponies they had a good profit to look forward to.

Making their way to the apron, Trixie hopped down to the cobbles as Rabbit sat himself down on the very edge. Leaning forwardly and grinning eagerly, Rabbit tried to peek into the bowl, but Trixie had already teasingly whisked it away with her magic.

“Okay. So what’s the income for today?” the human asked.

Trixie paused to count... and then a very agitated expression ruptured her face. “Three... and a half bits?” confounded, Trixie levitated a coin in front of her face that had been chopped clean in half.

“What? That crowd was massive! It was the biggest one yet!” the teenager jumped to his feet before hollering after the dispersing ponies. “You fucking cheap-skates!”

They ignored him.

Trixie huffed. “Rabbit, if we’re going to eat this week we’re going to need something better than a street-side musical act.”

Rabbit sighed, folding his arms across his chest and watching the other street performers further up rake in similarly worthless incomes. It seemed that ponies were less and less impressed by the art of ‘showing-off.’

But then he noticed something. Many of the spectators left their saddle-bags wide open as they watched some of the shows. Others stepped out of their homes and shops, leaving the doors wide open to chat with friends, or watch a particularly interesting juggler or mime.

Frowning, Rabbit looked up and down the street. There were no cops to speak of in sight. There was one, a sky blue pony with a bristly moustache and a typical ‘bobbie’ helmet perched on his head. but he didn’t look particularly adept, since he looked about as distracted as the other ponies around him.

A crazy idea sprang into his head.

Maybe Rabbit couldn’t actually open any safe... but pockets and unlocked homes? What if ponies were purposely being distracted and someone were to – hypothetically speaking – relieved them of their bits while they weren’t watching?

“Hey, Trix? How do you feel like legitimate enterprises with loose, opportunistic morals?” the teenager asked softly.

The azure unicorn looked a little flustered, and the look didn’t really suit her. “Did... did you just ask the Great and Powerful Trixie how she feels about filly-fooling?”

“Not exactly.” The human chuckled before leaning closer to his stage-partner. “Did you know the key factor to pulling off a successful heist is based around a solid deception?”

The gears in Trixie’s head ticked over as she processed that rather vague, yet strangely pointed sentence. Glancing to where Rabbit had been looking at the distracted ponies observing street-side shows, Trixie leaned in closer to her human companion.

“A heist, eh? Trixie is listening...”

***[]***

Author’s Note
Don’t mind me, I’m just playing around.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Interval 4.1: Buy Me a New Life

“What the fuck!?”

“Oh, c’mon! Move you asshole!”

“Why do these fucking noobs keep doing this shit!? Play the damn game! Stop sitting around!”

Rabbit gaped silently as he slowly opened his eyes. The world was a blur. He could feel drool gathered on his cheek, between his skin and the rough carpet beneath. As he opened his right eye first though, he wished he hadn’t.

“Aw, shit-eating, cocksucker!” the boy immediately cursed as the microphone of his headset stabbed him in the eye.

The Xbox Live communicator was perched a little awkwardly on the drowsy teenager’s head, but the cushioned ear-muff was still pressed against his right ear. Through it he immediately heard numerous crackly, whiney pitched rebuttals.

“Who are you calling a cocksucker, asshole!?” a voice that simply had to belong to a gender challenged twelve-year-old screamed across the vast expanse of magical tubes that made up the phenomenon that was the internet.

Hot on his tail were numerous other voices sourced from dimly lit gamer-dens across the globe. But Rabbit wasn’t listening. Sitting up, he tore away the headset and rubbed his eye where he’d accidentally jabbed himself. To his shock he found his faithful bush-hat was missing and immediately scrambled to look for it.

And then he realised he didn’t actually own a bush-hat. His mouth falling open with shock, Rabbit looked over his own ‘gamer-den.’

It was his bedroom. Exactly as he had left it on Friday the twelfth of July. The day he’d been teleported into Equestria by the Great and Powerful Trixie, supposedly three and something months ago. But nothing had changed. It was as if he’d never been away.

The walls were adorned with posters of the teenager’s favourite bands, movies and video games. Under his window with the drawn curtains he saw his low cupboard topped with a computer screen and containing his humming Xbox. The controller lay among a tangle of wire on the ground by the boy’s feet. The floor was a minefield of discarded cans of soda and candy-wrappers. To his side was a tall wardrobe next to his bed.

Suspended on tall stilts, underneath the bed was a large desk, the workspace littered with craft-tools, crumpled shreds of paper and torn templates. The surface itself was blotched with modelling paints and covered by bits of discarded grip-tape. Perched centrally on the desk was Rabbit’s skateboard, next to a pair of tattered skating-shoes.

Tearing his eyes from the state of his own bedroom, Rabbit looked directly at his monitor. The mini-dashboard centred his darkened screen while his Halo matchmaking session continued in the background, showing the time and date near the very top.

Saturday, 0918 hours, 13/07/2015

If he’d actually been in Equestria, he couldn’t have been there for more than a dozen hours, never mind three months.

With a confused groan, he ran his tongue over the rough plaque coating his teeth, smacking his lips at the brutal, bile-like aftertaste of pop rocks & coke. His mom had been working late last night, leaving the teenager to fend for himself on the Friday night. He’d spent it like any other job-less summer-holiday teen spent their night. Lock the doors and windows and overdose on alien-killing... well... basement-dwelling-nerd-killing.

Rabbit had spent last night on Xbox Live. But also somehow spent several months travelling across the magical land of Equestria with the Great and Powerful Trixie. What was the last thing he remembered? Passing out in front of the Xbox?

Or Discord’s maniacal declaration that the holiday was over? Had that actually happened, or was it all the result of some kind of sugar-comatose dream?

With a sigh the teenager rubbed his throbbing head. The sane thing to do would be to make sure this really was happening. So he slapped himself across the face...

Ouch!

Yup, he was suffering from a healthy dose of reality.

Crawling forward, Rabbit jabbed the power button of his Xbox a few times until it finally turned off with a gentle hum. He didn’t bother logging off Live, or explaining why he wasn’t playing anymore. He couldn’t care less about a bunch of basement-dwelling jackoffs writing him an angry message or tearing down his otherwise exquisite ‘online-rating’ a few stars. He had more important shit to deal with.

Climbing to his feet, Rabbit jerked back one of the curtains and looked outside. Out there he saw it. His home. His city. And right slap-bang somewhere in the middle he was; where someone thought it was a great fucking place to just drop a suburban cul-de-sac right between a plethora of high-rises.

Weird.

Dropping the curtain, Rabbit sighed as he moved to the door. He needed to see more. He needed to be sure he was stuck here for good.

And when he opened the door he got a fright.

In a blur of black and white, Rabbit felt a shotgun shell unload in his chest. Not literally, of course, but something big, heavy and fluffy collided with him with enough force to knock him clean off his feet. as the teenager slammed to a halt on his back he looked up to see the angry snarl of a five-year-old canine growling in his face, teeth bared and everything.

There were billions of dogs across the globe, possibly more across the universe and even more across multiple dimensions – if you’re a believer in the multi-verse of course. Every single one of them hated Marion with a vengeance... all except one.

“The hell, Snoops!?” Rabbit exclaimed.

Snoopy’s angry snarl turned into a goofy look before she straight up licked her master on the face. With a disgruntled chuckle, Rabbit shoved his dog to one side and climbed to his feet again. Though to call Snoopy just a dog was giving too much credit to the canine species. And was a little cruel to Snoopy. She was unique, truly unique. Not just a unique kind of breed, but also a sentient-being kind of unique. You could talk to her and she’d look at you with those intelligent brown eyes. All the time she looked like she understood. All the time figuring out. Plotting. Planning.

And bugger me, she listened and understood. Better than any dog Rabbit had ever seen. Sheep-dogs eat your heart out, Snoopy ate those wannabe pieces of shit for breakfast. Rabbit could literally ask Snoopy to fetch him a sandwich, and Snoopy would – somehow – return with a sandwich... which she would of course proceed to munch down in front of him. Dogs will be dogs after all.

He was of course a little too scared to ask Snoopy to fetch the Ark of the Covenant, just in case she came through for him. He’d be too curious not to open it, and despite popular belief; what if it melted everybody and not just Nazis?

What if?

Back to her actual breed, Snoopy was somewhat of a recluse. She was mostly a lean and attentive Border-Collie, with the athleticism of a Husky sled-dog, the resolve, courage and loyalty of a German-Shepherd mixed with a healthy dose of the cuddly lovability of a fluffy Saint-Bernard. Standing up to about Rabbit’s waist whilst remaining on all-fours, Snoopy had a midnight black coat with white socks, a patch circling her right eye and at the tip of her fluffy tail; finally noteworthy was the curly dark brown fur under her floppy triangular ears.

“You miss me, Snoopers?” Rabbit asked with a grin as he scratched the canine behind the ear.

In response, Snoopy cocked her head and gave her master a confused look. Why the hell was she supposed to miss him? Had he been away?

Realising this, Rabbit slowly nodded. “Right.” He sighed.

Surprises didn’t end there though. An adjacent door opened up and a woman stepped out in front of the teenager. Looking up, Rabbit felt his eyes widen.

Jennifer Chapel started with a smile, before her face twisted into a concerned frown at the sight of her son. Something was off. Something was terribly – no, horribly wrong! And it was immediately identified by Rabbit’s mother, since moms always knew these things.

“Hey. You’re up early for a Saturday.” She commented.

Rabbit just blinked at his mother, comprehending what he was looking at.

Just by looking at her you’d never expect the woman was in her late thirties. Which was kind of irritating for Rabbit – hey, have you ever had to put up with your friends constantly commenting on how hot your mom is? She had a lean and fit figure, a few feet taller than her son with short hair and Rabbit’s eyes. There was no denying the two were related. And there was no denying she could still kick Rabbit’s ass despite her age.

Jennifer liked to keep in shape. She hit the gym once a week. She still woke up at oh-seven-hundred every morning for a twenty kilometre run – oh, I beg your pardon. Sprint. Though this was no surprise considering her profession. Colonel Jennifer Chapel was already dressed for a day at the office; a sleekly fit navy coloured dress uniform attenuated her already annoyingly attractive figure – annoying to Rabbit, not to me. She ain’t my mom – with colourful set of commendations pinned to her breast.

“Mom.” Rabbit croaked. There was no way to hide the surprise in his voice. While ‘in Equestria’ Rabbit thought he’d never see his own mother ever again... but there she stood!

Noting his surprise, Jennifer cocked an eyebrow before grinning. “Marion.” She greeted with a chuckle. “I’m making pancakes. They should just be a minute.” She added quickly before edging around her son who was acting strangely.

Watching as she descended the stairs of their home, Rabbit barely noticed Snoopy licking at his hand for immediate attention. “Kay...”

Yup, you heard that right. His mother called him Marion. That was his real name. Marion Chapel. Or sometimes ‘Marr’ for short. And yes, Rabbit had received some shit for his name at school. But being as charismatic as he was, the teasing didn’t last long. Punch out the right asshole on the yard and you’re bound to make some important friends very quickly.

The real kicker of it all was the grave realisation. The realisation it was over. No more ponies, no more travels, no more crazy adventures...

Kneeling down beside where Snoopy sat, her tail bashing the floor mercilessly, Rabbit scratched the dog behind the ear. He wasn’t watching her as she shuffled closer for a hug. The teenager was looking back into his room, taking in the boring old sights.

No more hanging out with the Great and Powerful Trixie. No more Trix ‘n Rabbit. No more Rabbit, period.

Only Marion Chapel.

This identity, and possibly reality shattering realisation was vocalised in a single word:

“Fuck!”

What? You were expecting something profound from our main character at this point?

My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria

[The Mildly Interesting Marion Chapel]
Interval 4.1: Buy Me a New Life

When he made it to the kitchen following the smell of pancakes, Marion felt his eyes widen a little. He had thought that Discord character from his dream looked weird, but in comparison to his own mother?

Seeing his mom dressed in her military dress-uniform, wearing a bright pink apron over the top while making pancakes... now that’s weird. Probably went against all sorts of rules and regulations too, but Jennifer was one of the few women in the world who was allowed to screw-the-rules. She was one of those very few that could somehow balance her military obligations and her obligations as a mother perfectly. Sure she’d missed the odd birthday or a few Christmas family gatherings, but she had always been there when it counted. When Marion took his first steps. When he said his first word (which was ‘dipshit’ by the way. One of Jennifer’s more shameful slips of the tongue). His first need for a Band-Aid. The first day of school. His tenth birthday. Any and every school play Marion had been in. Graduation. She’d been there.

Marion pulling out a chair, causing the legs to scrape noisily on the kitchen tiles drew her attention. She looked up from the first pancake sizzling in the frying pan as she saw her son sit with his faithful canine flopping to the ground at his feet.

“Did you finish off your college applications?” Marion’s mother asked.

The teenager cleared his throat, hoping to avoid that conversation. But he quickly faltered under Jennifer's gaze. “Uh... I’m dotting the ‘i’s.”

Jennifer rolled her eyes. “Marr. We had a deal. You’re the one who’d rather go to college than the army. And the recruitment period is almost over.”

“I know, I know. Calm down, woman!” Marion whined. “I’m working on it.”

“Don’t work on it, get it done.”

Marion sighed, remembering the slug from his wild dream last night. “Jeez, lady. You sound like my mom.”

Arching an eyebrow, Jennifer stared at her son. “Marr. I am your mom.”

Marion blinked. “Oh... right.”

Shaking the frying-pan and shaking the first pancake loose, Jennifer systematically checked both sides were equally cooked before walking over to the dining table where her son eagerly waited for breakfast. He had his knife and fork clenched in his fists as he could literally taste those pancakes already.

But as she stood by his side, she didn’t serve, leaving her son whimpering helplessly.

“Pistol jam.” Jennifer said very suddenly. “Failure to eject. What do you do?”

Marion’s eyes popped. “Huh?”

“Failure to eject on a slide-operated pistol.” Jennifer elaborated. “It’s stovepiping. What do you do?”

At the realisation what she was asking, Marion dropped his cutlery and rubbed his eyes with a frustrated groan. His dream had at least given him an impression of a three month rest from this crap. “Oh c’mon, mom.”

Here we go again. The teenager thought to himself. Every morning the same old story.

“Do you want a pancake or not? Because individuals who get shot because they can’t unjam their weapon in a firefight don’t need to eat pancakes.” Jennifer teasingly waved the pancake under his nose to rub the mouth-watering scent in some more.

Little did she know the teenager had broken a long time ago. “Alright, alright. Fine.” With a grumble, Marion held out his right hand as if holding a semi-automatic pistol. At the same time he shot her an expression as if to say ‘There, I’m doing it! Satisfied?’

In his mind’s eye he imagined the grubby firearm filling up the empty space in his hand. A nine-millimetre calibre German-made H&K USP. As far as generic guns go, the Heckler & Koch is probably the most generic ever built. Then again, it was designed and built with German efficiency in mind, so what would you expect?

On pretty much any semi-automatic, slide-operated side-arm, the failure to eject jam could have more than one reason for occurring. It could be the ejector – the piece of the gun that took the empty shell of a spent round and kicked it out of the weapon – was damaged or faulty. Or – more commonly associated with stovepiping – the jam could have been caused by limp-wristing.

Essentially, the slide of the pistol hadn’t snapped back far enough, causing the breech to close too soon as the spent shell is ejected. As a result the empty shell catches in the ejector port forming a kind of chimney out the top of the gun. Hence the nickname, stovepiping.

Okay, so that covered how Marion would identify a failure to eject. He considered his way of shooting and figured the cause was not a faulty weapon, but limp-wristing was the culprit. So what is limp-wristing you ask?

A gun operates on recoil, right? Even if you’ve never held a firearm before, you can appreciate this simple fact. So with recoil operation, you must have a firm platform for the pistol to operate from, or you will negate the effect of the recoil and cause a malfunction. If you don’t anticipate the recoil upon firing and just let the blow-back manipulate your arm or stance, you’re limp-wristing.

Marion fixed the problem using what he had personally nicknamed ‘dummy method.’ It was easy. Ignorant about exactly what went wrong or why, the teenager immediately pretended to eject and catch the magazine, turn the gun upside down and yank the slide back all the way. As he did, the jammed round would simply fall to the kitchen table before he let go and allowed the slide to slam forward again. From there he slotted the magazine back in place and cycled the action with another yank at the slide to chamber a round and resume firing.

He made extra care to indicate he was letting go of the imaginary slide, allowing it to snap forth on its own spring-power. That way his mom wouldn’t call him out for riding the slide, which apparently caused a whole plethora of other problems.

Stovepiping. Limp-wristing. Riding the fucking slide. Christ, you’d expect gun enthusiasts to come up with less-lame nicknames for their shit.

“I hate guns.” Marion grumbled dusting off his hands and gratefully imagining his gun had transformed into a much more comfortable Xbox controller. Truth be told, every trip to the firing range his mom had dragged him on had been among the most uncomfortable experiences in his life. Guns – and we’re talking about real guns here. Not virtual guns, or airsoft guns, or nerf-guns. Real guns – were loud, dangerous, and downright irritable at the best of times. They say the Kalashnikov assault rifle is so easy to use a child can master it. Well, let Marion put that dumbass baby to bed right now by saying on the record that the AK-47 not only kicks like a fucking mule with every shot making it quite literally painful to use, the way the magazines are fitted with a hooking action is irritating; and don’t even get him started on disassembling that puzzle box for cleaning. All it takes is one little spring to ping off out of sight and you’re fucked...

Yuck, was a word that didn’t quite do the experience justice.

Jennifer shrugged as she let the pancake hover above Marion’s plate. “When relieving a right-handed hostile of their side-arm, why do we twist the muzzle away in a counter-clockwise action?”

“To break his index-finger in the trigger guard.” Marion answered with a bored tone. “It scares me how that’s not even a hard one.”

“Last question.”

“Have at me.”

“Did you remember to charge your taser last night?”

That one took Marion by surprise. He’d been expecting to be giving an operational presentation on the M16-carbine, or explain how to calibrate a surface to air missile – neither question Marion would know how to answer, might I add. He hadn’t expected to be asked if he remembered to recharge a rather unpleasant birthday present.

“Um... no?”

Jennifer narrowed her eyes. For his seventeenth birthday she had bought him an M26 Taser. I know what you’re thinking. Where’d she put the ribbon? And my answer to that is; don’t be such a fucking smart-ass.

The M26 wasn’t exactly subtle or compact, but the thing packed one hell of a punch. The same day he’d unwrapped it, Marion had accidentally shot himself in the foot, so he was intimately familiar with how effective the damn thing was. That was the day his dislike for guns had extended to tasers, simply out of spite.

Marion threw up his arms in defeat realising his chance to get a pancake before it got cold was rapidly slipping away. “Oh, c’mon! Just because it’s not the answer you want to hear, doesn’t mean it’s wrong!”

Jennifer scowled. “Who is overseeing the Zero Point Energy Converter Project’s security?”

“You are.” Marion grumbled.

“And what happens to our primary dependency on oil if this project is successful?”

“We’ll no longer need the stuff... in the next decade or so.” The boy added under his breath.

Ignoring him, Jennifer continued. “And who will that piss off?”

“Oil companies and oil hoarding governments.”

“And what would be the best way for them to hurt me so they can hurt this project?”

“By hurting your family... me, mainly.”

“Are you seeing a frightening picture developing here?”

“Yeah.” Marion glumly rested his head in one hand.

Jennifer tipped the frying pan and let the pancake fall on her son’s plate. “Make sure that taser is charged before you leave the house today.”

“Yes, ma’am.” The teenager quickly saluted before diving onto his pancake. He wasn’t going to waste any more pancake time with terrifying crap. He was still young, and at that age his ‘ignorance-filter’ was still set to filter out most of the sombre, scary shit that was part of his day-to-day life.

“You know,” Marion started, talking between chewing mouthfuls of breakfasty goodness soaked in sweet maple syrup. “Normal mothers talk to their sons about math problems or soccer practice at the breakfast table.”

His mother scoffed. “Normal mothers aren’t high ranking military officials with dangerous overseas enemies.” Jennifer then noticed what he was doing and before returning to the stove she smacked him upside the head with the spatula.“And don’t talk with your mouth full!”

Jennifer Chapel was military to the core. Her mother had been in the military, and her mother before that, and her mother before that. And determined not to let her son be a combo-breaker, Jennifer had made all sorts of unorthodox past-times part of Marion’s upbringing. She’d taken him spelunking, shooting, scuba-diving, orienteering, rock climbing; even tried to teach him some kickass fighting styles – which he’d never used outside the schoolyard until his dream of Equestria.

If he had actually taken an interest in any of these past-times he could have passed as Batman. But thanks to lack of interest, Marion would have made a crappy soldier anyway. Stubborn, selfish, lack of commitment and – let’s all just admit it – a smart-ass.

Marion simply was not cut from the ‘military service-cloth,’ no-way and no-how. But that didn’t stop Jennifer from trying. Marion may not have inherited his family’s patriotism, but stubbornness was something every Chapel – mister or missus – had as part of their core-programming.

While Jennifer prepared to cook up the next pancake and Marion reached the halfway point of his breakfast, neither noticed Snoopy lifting her head. Her floppy ears lifted up as she twisted her head to look out to the hall where the front door of the house was. To the humans there was nothing to be heard. But Snoopy had heard it without fail.

Ding-dong!

The sudden ring of the doorbell jarred all three of them. While Marion and his mother merely lifted their heads to look, Snoopy was off like a shot. Her claws scratched audibly on the tiles as she scrambled to her paws and launched herself barking into the hallway. Her bark wasn’t malicious though. Both Jennifer and Marion would have noticed by Snoopy’s bark if there was a stranger by the door. The dog had already picked up his scent and was letting out a ‘happy’ bark as her tail wagged enthusiastically.

There was only one person it could have been.

“I’ll get it.” Marion announced as he rose to his feet and followed the crazy-dog.

He crossed to the front door and turned the key. Now Jennifer usually insisted her son follow a procedure when answering the door, especially when he was alone. She was protective that way, and with good reason. But since his mother was home, and toting a semi-automatic weapon under the kitchen sink, Marion balked from the side of caution and just tore the front door open.

Standing in the porch was a man. Now for the sake of making for an interesting story, this man could have been a mafia boss who was wringing the community dry. He could have been a terrorist come to kidnap Marion in broad daylight. He could have been a serial stalker who liked to bother Marion’s mom on a regular basis...

Nope. Standing on the porch was Brian, a physicist... just a physicist. I know. Boring, isn’t he?

Thirty something, Professor Brian Sinclair wasn’t a typical stuffy scientist. Heck, the title professor just didn’t suit him. When I say professor you immediately think a guy in a tweed suit, polished shoes and greasy brylcreem hair. You expect thick glasses and cliché obsessive compulsion disorders. Checker shirts and fucking suspenders at the very least.

Nope. Brian was a healthy gym-goer. He was even a skater in his younger days. He was a pretty good looking guy too, according to the girls Marion had talked to – tall and dark as the phrase goes. On top of that he wore normal clothes, and didn’t have glasses. Jeans, sneakers and a pretty cool leather jacket Marion wished he could wear and look good in. The guy even played video games like a demon. Marion couldn’t count the times Brian had given him a run for his money in pretty much any game of the teenager’s choosing.

In all, Brian was a pretty cool guy... for a nerd, that is. Cool enough for Marion to like him well enough despite the fact the guy was hopping in bed with his mom.

Brian was Jennifer’s boyfriend... no, not the other way around. Brian was a pretty stand-up guy, but even Marion knew who wore the pants in that relationship.

“Hey, Marr.” Brian greeted with a rather dorky grin. You can work ‘em out, you can dress ‘em up, but you’ll never really take the nerd out of ‘em. “Is Jenny home?”

Giving a very fake glare, the teenager narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Jenny? Nah, no-one here by that name.” the teenager shook his head.

Hearing that, Jennifer called out from the kitchen. “In here, Brian!”

Marion’s eyes immediately widen with realisation. “Oh, you mean my mom!?” he stepped aside letting Brian move into the house. “Yeah, her first name is actually colonel.”

“Marion, you would need three more promotions to get to be an asshole.” Jennifer snapped as Brian disappeared to greet his girlfriend in the kitchen, Snoopy bouncing around their visitor.

Her son ignored her with a sarcastic roll of his eyes and a slam of the front door.“Oh, no! Mom, I forgot to frisk Brian before he stepped inside! What if he’s a dangerous Russian mole!? Gasp! What if he’s armed with a nine millimetre Glock twenty-something...? Or some shit to that effect.” He added after a thoughtful pause, wondering if there was actually a gun called a Glock Twenty-Something.

“Well I know exactly where he can holster that weapon.” Jennifer stated with a suggestive wink just as Marion walked back into the kitchen to catch the grownups tangled in each other’s arms.

The professor chuckled with a broad smile. Marion retreated disgusted to his half-eaten pancake, feeling his appetite rapidly disappear. “Ugh. Gross, you guys.”

“You wanna pancake?” Jennifer asked when Brian finally let her go.

The man smiled, sitting down next to Marion. “You know I can’t say no to your pancakes.”

“Seriously dude!” Marion spluttered through a mouthful, causing Brian to chuckle again. “There are children in the room!”

As Marion stuffed his face and Jennifer reserved the next pancake for her boyfriend, Snoopy finally settled by the teenager’s feet as Brian leaned closer.

“So, Marr.” He started, striking up their usual exchange of casual morning conversation. Whereas his mother would ask the unorthodox questions about guns ‘n shit, Brian was more of a motherly figure who’d bring up questions like ‘how was the skating meet?’ “You ready for the big unveiling of the Zee-PEC tonight?”

Marion paused to think. “The what-now?”

“Zero Point Energy Converter? Zee-PEC for short.” Brian explained.

Marion rolled his eyes. The Zero Point Energy Converter was a green energy project funded by the military. The actual device – some kind of portal making thingy that filtered out these kind of complicated trans-dimensional photons and converted them into a renewable energy or some crap like that – was housed and tested in a refurbished building on the edge of the city. Brian was on the team who designed and built it. Ironically, his girlfriend – Marion’s mother – was head of security. The thirteenth of July, that very evening, was when the device would go permanently active and take over power generation for the whole city. It was all very high profile stuff, there being a big party and everything.

In Marion’s opinion it was a load of Greenpeace hippy-crap. And he’d never be able to forgive for those assholes throwing him the ‘here’s a cute baby seal dying because of you’ television advertisement.

“Zee-PEC?” Marion asked. “That’s the acronym they’re using for that thing? Lame. A room full of the smartest guys on the planet, and that’s the best those dorks come up with?”

“Be nice, Marr.” Jennifer warned as she moved over with a plate of pancakes.

“Unable to comply with request, mother.” Marion chuckled as he swallowed down the last bite of his breakfast. “I’m gonna go walk Snoopy. I’ll meet you guys at the party tonight.”

Snoopy had absolutely no problem with that idea. All she had picked up on in that sentence was the word ‘walk’ and already she was bouncing about the place, tail whipping violently back and forth. She knew exactly what the word ‘walk’ entailed.

Excitedly the dog followed Marion out of the kitchen, practically stumbling over the teenager’s heels.

“I laid your suit out on the bed.” Jennifer called out to her son.

“You’re a super-mom!” Marion called back as he and his dog charged up the stairs.

Returning to his room, Marion stripped out of last night’s clothes and changed. After fresh shorts and socks, he pulled up a pair of loose fitting cargo trousers, midnight black with hardened knee pads hewn into the tough fabric. Next on was a black under-armour shirt with long sleeves. Though unlike the select club of ‘roid-monkeys who haunted the local gym, Marion didn’t have an impressive musculature to show off with the tight fitted shirt. So to preserve his dignity – something many wearers of the fabled under-armour were incapable of – he pulled on a loose fitting olive green t-shirt over the top.

Stuffing his suit into his backpack, he shouldered both straps before lacing up his skating-shoes and tightened the straps of his wrist-guards over his forearms. Finally he made his way over to his desk and picked up Snoopy’s harness. The dog was like a sugar-high puppy, and could barely sit still as Marion comfortably tightened the straps around her shoulders. When the loyal hound was harnessed up and waiting by the door, Marion grinned, teasing Snoopy by standing idle for a moment.

She barked several times to get the teenager into motion. Reaching back, Marion retrieved his skateboard.

Marion had been boarding since before he could remember. He liked to think he’d mastered staying balanced on his skateboard before he could properly walk. It made for a better brag-story than the actual tale behind his learning to skateboard. Let’s just say in the true story he’d spent several weeks face-planting asphalt.

Marion had made his own skateboard, bought a blank deck along with fairly generic trucks and street-grade wheels. An eight inch deck carved out of Canadian Maple, topped by black grip-tape with orange trucks and midnight black wheels, he’d even painted the bottom of the deck himself. He’d stencilled on the iconic ‘RIG’ health-bar from the video game Dead Space down to a red sliver of health along with a pronounced splatter of blood – he’d definitely lost that health doing something awesome. Above that was a ‘marker’ insignia with the nose and tail painted with red and black hazard-stripes. It had taken him a week to get it right, but the result was worth it. Skateboarding was – apparently – about self-expression. And nothing said self-expression more than a custom board.

Hooking up Snoopy’s lead, the duo charged down the stairs and out the front door, creating such a ruckus that Jennifer peeked out to catch a face-full of the dust kicked up in their wake.

Running out in the fresh city air, Marion uncoiled Snoopy’s lead and let her run ahead a little. At the same time he jumped up, gripping his board by the nose and slid it under his feet. His soles took hold of the sand-papery surface before he landed neatly on the four wheels with a sharp clack! Rolling smoothly over the even pavement, leaning from side to side to steer, the dog-lead pulled taught and Snoopy towed Marion out of the front garden and into the street.

Seeing them shoot out towards the city centre, Jennifer called out after her son. “That doesn’t look like walking to me! Hey! You be careful on that thing.” She added pointedly.

“You know me!” the boy waved over his shoulder before they swiftly disappeared out of the cul-de-sac.

Jennifer sighed. “That’s what has me worried.”

***[]***

Something called a ‘Zero Point Energy Converter’ you’d expect to have a rather large budget. And truth be told, the Zee-PEC did have a big budget... for the device itself. The facility that housed the device however... that’s a different story.

It used to be a school known simply as The Body of Christ. Catholic school, naturally, just on the edge of the city and wrapped in a foetid womb of agricultural farmland. And as such, the smell of manure had never quite left the building.

The military had bought it specifically to house the Zero Point Energy Converter; picked it up for a steal allowing them to pump more funds into the actual device. The ‘facility’ as it was now aptly named, remained a dump. Colonel Jennifer Chapel knew it, lead scientist Brian Sinclair new it, their colleagues knew it, the board of funders knew it – heck the rats in the beck that ran along the side of the building and even the crows that crapped on the roof knew it. despite having been a catholic school once-upon-a-time, the facility looked like a Bulgarian nuclear reprocessing plant. The bits that weren’t stained concrete were asbestos. It lay alongside the brook like a filthy hobo, breathing in the stinking air that drifted off the fertiliser-poisoned water.

But, the place was a beacon of green, renewable energy, and no matter how ugly she was, the facility held a fondness to the staff that served in her like a faithful verruca of long acquaintance... okay, sorry, that one was a little gross.

That night however, the facility had been done up to be reasonably presentable for the unveiling. Broken windows had been replaced. The perimeter gates had been double checked and re-sprayed to hide the patches of rusty chain-link. Even the guard, an older out-of-luck Afghanistan veteran was dressed in his dress-blues.

The parking lot, usually cracked and littered with patches of tall grass growing through the aforementioned cracks, was littered with various limousines and other expensive looking cars. The lights all throughout the facility were turned on and all sorts of beautiful people looking out of place in such a squalid place were enjoying a party within.

The main atrium was where the party was at. The cavernous room was pretty much the first you entered when walking through the main doors. The place was nice and open with a stage to one side where a live band played some funky tunes. The buffet was something an Arabian Prince would be proud of, the tables adorned with vibrant and nicely presented foods that sat in the glimmering shadows of various grand ice-sculptures. The night was young, the punch was still fresh and the catering staff were handing out tall glasses of champagne to the various ladies and gentlemen dressed up to the nines.

The back of atrium was where the Zero Point Energy Converter itself stood – in full view of the public – in a reserved alcove big enough to house a party on its own. Standing up against the back wall, the metal grey ring shaped device stood behind a massive pane of clear, impenetrable material. There was a single access door, pulled shut and double bolted sealing the Zee-PEC away from the general public. Complicated server stacks and piles of machinery with the respective thick coils of wiring connected the plethora of electronic equipment filling the space. No square inch was wasted bar the metal ramp running from the sealed doorway up to the foot of the ring.

While the band played, idle chatter was exchanged between groups and individuals. Including Jennifer and Brian who swayed gently in each other’s arms on the dance floor. While such a soothing situation should have indicated both the head of security and the lead scientist were calm and collected... in fact Brian was calm. Jennifer was – unlike her normal self – nervous.

Still in her dress blues, she kept looking over Brian’s shoulder to the main doors, nervously biting her polished nails from time to time. With a frustrated sigh, her boyfriend stepped aroud her so she would keep glancing at the door.

“What’s wrong?” Brian asked.

“He’s late.” The colonel said.

Brian shook his head. “He’ll be here.”

“Brian, what if he’s fallen off that stupid board and hurt himself. He didn’t call. What if someone took-...”

“Jenny!” Brian almost exclaimed. “Marion is a tough kid. He’s fine. He’ll be here.”

Normally speaking she’d be calmed. But for some reason the woman couldn’t calm herself. She still looked over her shoulder to the atrium entrance to check where her son was. It was only a minute after Brian figured reconciling her was pointless that Jennifer’s heart suddenly calmed at the sight of two silhouettes in the doorway.

“Finally!” Jennifer pointed before breaking away from her boyfriend. Brian lifted his gaze to spot the duo as well. At first there was no detail, just two black silhouettes of a teenager and a dog casually marching by his side.

And as he entered, the band hit a new beat.

Clad in a black suit with white shirt, all Marion was missing was a tie. It was alright though, he made up for it with his dark aviator-sunglasses. His backpack was shouldered with his skateboard attached by some bungie-chords.

Making his entrance with an abundance of swagger, he strutted boldly past security, smirking and nodding to several older party-guests. The crowd parted, moving to either side to let the boy go through. Even spotting a particularly attractive lady, Marion boldly pointed her out and lowered his glasses to flash her a wink along with a smooth ‘chk’ of his tongue.

Jennifer had to give the woman credit, she did avoid looking disgusted.

Moving on, Snoopy stayed by his side, strangely strutting in a similar fashion to her master. The sight made Jennifer snigger before she stepped in their path to get the dynamic duo’s attention. “Your late.” She announced unable to get the anger in her voice quite right after having seen that entrance.

“Hello, mommy-oh!” Marion greeted, not realising the word mommy-oh wasn’t widely regarded as cool as daddy-oh. “Do I make this look good or what?” the teenager smirked as he delicately tugged at the edges of his suit jacket.

Jennifer gave a nod of approval as she looked her son up and down. He did a reasonable job of making himself look rather presentable. Hair was still a mess though, but he made it work. Heck, he’d even tucked in his shirt... but then her eyes reached his feet and she saw his white-and-red skate-shoes sticking out under his black trousers.

“Marr, what are those?” she asked pointing at the horribly out of place sneakers.

The boy’s whole cool stance faltered as he slowly took off his sunglasses. “Uh... practicality over aesthetics?” Marion tried with a wide, innocent smile.

“Good answer.” Jennifer grimaced. “I have some social rounds to make. Stay out of trouble.”

Marion snapped into a stocky salute, his hand bouncing clumsily off his forehead. Even Snoopy sat down and puffed her chest out in attention. “Yes, ma’am!”

As Jennifer left them, Marion patted his leg for Snoopy to follow and the two of them made for the buffet. The teenager had nabbed a quick lunch while walking Snoopy, but with the sun dipping behind the horizon he found himself hungry again. What he found at the buffet table was beyond satisfactory.

Marion had to admit he had no idea what orderves actually were, but whatever they were and however they were made... they were freakin’ delicious. And since he wasn’t brave enough to try the puke-like bile that sat in a bowl labelled ‘caviar’ he stacked his plate with the more appetising looking finger-food.

Every now and then he’d accidentally drop something for Snoopy to quickly mop up before the cleaning staff showed up.

As if the dog standing by his hip and the backpack carrying a skateboard on his back weren’t enough to make him stand out, the way he carried a plate stacked high with food put him even farther out of place in a room full of rich people. Most of the folk around him were either investors or military figures – identified by the dress uniform not too dissimilar from Colonel Chapel’s. The main difference between them and Marion was that they knew how to behave at these kinds of parties.

Marion on the other hand treated it like he would any party. take advantage of the free food and try to sneak in a few drinks. It seemed the catering staff were onto his ruse though and seemed to avoid him when he waved for a glass of champagne. Still, it was worth a try. He’d make his rounds on the uncorked wine-bottles at the far end of the buffet later.

It was while Marion was trying to balance a plate in one hand while figuring out how to fill a cup of punch in the other without dropping his whole plate – curiously eyed by Snoopy who was practically willing it to fall from the teenager’s hand – when a shadow slid across the table in front of Marion.

“Well, hello there, doggy.” A gruff, older voice said. “What’s your name?”

Marion found some space to put his plate and glass down before he turned on the spot. Standing by his side was an older man clad in dress-blues and a cap, several shiny medals and colourful commendations weighing down his chest. Seriously, there were some stretch marks at his collar, that’s how much bling the guy was toting. He was a balding gentleman, creased skin with a thick build – what had once been muscle turning to fat over several cruel years of elderly life.

Marion grinned as the man looked up. “That’s Snoopy.” He said, identifying the general’s rank markings stuck to the man’s lapelle.

The general gently petted Snoopy on the head before the friendly hound offered a paw.“Ah, I used to have a dog just like him when I was growing up.”

Marion chuckled as Snoopy gave a confounded snort realising the old man had called her a ‘he.’ As the man straightened up he offered a hand to the teenager.

“Zimmer.” The man charmingly introduced himself. “General John Zimmer.”

Marion shook the man’s hand. “I’m Rab-...” Marion quickly stopped himself, reconsidering. “Eh... Marion. Marion Chapel.”

General Zimmer gave a nod as he recognised the boy’s name. “Ah, yes. The colonel’s boy. Colonel Chapel talks about you a lot. Good to finally meet you, son.”

“I guess that means she never talked about all the bad stuff.” – the general chuckled as they turned back to the buffet-table – “Mom threw your name around a few times. Aren’t you on the board of overseers for the – dare I even call it that – Zee-PEC project?”

“That I am. Room full of the smartest dorks on the planet, and the best acronym they come up with is Zee-PEC?” – Marion laughed – “At least they got the free booze and pretty girls part of the launch party right.”

Marion grinned. This general was a pretty cool guy. “That sounds like a good enough reason to miss the season finale of The Walking Dead to me.”

General Zimmer “So what brings you to the unveiling tonight? Isn’t there a school dance or something on tonight?”

Marion stopped himself from choking as he sipped his punch. Involuntarily he grimaced on the inside as Zimmer reminded him of the school dance. He’d graduated a month or so ago and said his ‘tearful’ goodbyes to his teachers and classmates. From that moment on it had been full on planning for one final get-together for the students of Marion’s class.

The Post-Graduation Dance. A concept Marion could never quite grasp.

Marion’s classmates could best be described as thugs, spacks, drongos, bozos, dildos, queers, cunts and killers... and that’s just the girls! Heck, Marion’s class was the best behaved in the whole school and they would have had any normal God-fearing teacher calling in the riot-squads with tear gas and rubber bullets. But isn’t that the case with any highschool, really?

Did he really want to spend another day with those people?

... well... up until his Equestria dream last night, Marion had planned to ditch the Zee-PEC unveiling early to head to the dance in question. But since he’d met his mind’s creation – Trixie? He didn’t feel like going anymore.

“Oh, yeah. That. Not really going to that. Couldn’t find a date.” Marion lied. He couldn’t help think that if Trixie were around he’d have no problem showing up to one last gathering of all the inconsistent characters he had put up with for five years of his life. That figment of his imagination had made him realise what a real friend was like. What it was like to make a real difference in someone’s life. More importantly; what it felt like to have someone make a significant difference in his life.

“Since when does the lack of a date stop the animals from partying?” Zimmer almost cried raising his plate of snacks high above his head, giving Marion the impression the old man had been hitting the sauce a little early that night.

The teenager snorted before leaning closer. “Heh. Actually, this is where I’d prefer to be. I spent quite a lot of time around here, probably more than I did at home. Between you and me, general, I’ve kind of been doing your job for you.” – The old man chuckled as Marion elaborated – “Keeping Professor Sinclair on his toes and all that. There was this one time; I stole the sign-in book to see if he’d notice.”

“Oh, so that was you?” came a jarringly familiar voice. Stiffening, Marion squeaked as he looked over his shoulder to see his mother standing nearby, her arms crossly folded across her chest.

Gulping, the teenager managed to maintain his composure enough to flash the general an upbeat smile. “Uh-oh. Is this my queue to fake my own death?”

Moving closer, the colonel gave Zimmer a quick salute. “Excuse us a moment, general. I need to... uh...” Jennifer paused to find the right words. “Discipline my son.” She added seething to the teenager.

Chuckling, General John Zimmer returned the salute to both Chapel and her son. “Well, it’s been nice knowing you, Marion. As you were, colonel.”

Taking her leave, Jennifer grabbed Marion by the ear and dragged him away from the buffet table, Snoopy following a little disappointed.

“Ow! Apples! Apples!”

Jennifer didn’t let go of her complaining son until they reached the control room.

The facility’s control room was very much like the Zee-PEC’s chamber. Adorned with bands and ribbons of wires, server stacks, consoles and multiple flickering screens. It was where the squints would be hanging out for the evening. Though of all the guys in white labcoats operating the computers, Brian was the only one in a black tux and bow-tie.

He sat on a desk-chair behind a main console adorned with dials, switches and buttons. It was at the very front of the control room by a large slanted window looking down over the whole atrium. The party below, the Zee-PEC chamber, event he buffet table were visible through the observation window.

Smiling, Jennifer let go of her son’s ear and pointed him inside. “And try not to steal anything.” She warned before heading to the security terminal to warn the security staff that the Zero Point Energy Converter was ready to fire up.

Marion answered with a grumble as he made his way to where Brian sat.

“All systems are green.” One of the scientists announced.

“General Zimmer finished his drunken speech and we are ready to rock.” Brian announced proudly reaching over his control panel. He hinged open an upturned box revealing a big red button underneath. “Hey, Marr? You wanna do the honours?”

Marion snorted loudly. “And be responsible when it turns out you fucked up your math and this thing blows up killing the universe? No thank you.”

“Sissy.” Jennifer teased as she walked over and sat down beside her boyfriend.

Flashing her a grin, Brian leaned forward and pounded his hand down on the button. A moment later the Zero Point Energy Converter buzzed to life, drawing everybody’s attention.

The inner ring of the device began to spin, whining loudly. Static energy buzzed through the Zee-PEC’s chamber, manifesting in several bolts of lightning arcing through the space. A few guests jolted, other cheered. Eventually the charging hum reached its crescendo and the whole device kicked into high gear.

The chevron shaped locks on the quadrants locked, slamming into place and halting the inner ring in an instant. With a distinct thunk and a rumble that shook the building’s foundations the Zee-PEC built up to the pièce-de-resistance of the show.

Waves of energy gathered around the inner border. A liquid like surface shimmered from the outside inward, meeting at the centre point, and in an explosion that could only be described as a mass of bubbling broth bursting out from within the massive ring, the device activated.

When the rumbling settled, and the light faded, everyone looked to the Zee-PEC and stood in awe. It was like gazing into an upturned puddle of glowing blue energy, some kind of current causing outward ripples to glow brilliant white as they wavered from the centre out.

All dials and lights in the control room were green. There were no explosions, no warnings and no blaring evacuation alarms. Without a doubt, the Zee-PEC was running successfully.

Leaning closer to Brian, Jennifer kissed the relieved looking professor on the cheek. “That’s my man.” She praised proudly.

Staring into the rippling portal, Marion couldn’t help feel he’d seen this before. It was familiar somehow, yet this was the first time he’d ever seen the Zero Point Energy Converter active.

“I know a hundred quantum physicists and multiple-world-theorists who wished they could stand here.” Brian whispered sideways. “Mankind’s first stable portal between dimensions, crossing the spaces between spaces.”

“I saw that episode of Doctor Who too...” Marion whispered back. And then a very important point arose in his brain. “So how does an inter-dimensional portal help the world’s energy crisis, exactly?”

“The world on the other side of that portal has an atmosphere that is literally buzzing with pure energy.” Brian explained. “This portal draws that energy into our world and pulls it into the buffers. Some of that buffered energy is filtered off to maintain the portal. It only takes about thirty percent of the filtered energy. The rest can be drawn from the buffers and converted into anything we like. Heat, electricity, whatever.”

“There’s a catch though, right?” Jennifer asked, taking an interest in the lecture.

“Well, the portal reaches critical mass if it’s unmanaged for too long. From there it’d turn into kind of like a black hole and sort of end the world a little bit.” Brian deadpanned.

Marion scoffed at that revelation. “That’s a pretty big catch!” his voice broke as he exclaimed.

“That’s why we implemented the control crystals.” Brian explained, pointing to the computer equipment flanking the Zee-PEC device. “They manage the portal’s mass carefully and syphon out excess energy, preventing it from suddenly growing and killing us all. Without those we’d have to close the portal every few hours. Now, thanks to those crystals, we can just leave it open and monitor the readings manually just in case.”

“Something tells me there’s a little more to it than that.” Marion commented after a brief pause while scratching his head. Even Snoopy looked confused.

“I’m speaking in ‘Dummy-Marion’ terms of course.” Brian smiled.

“Right. Thanks.”

Marion was trying to come up with a retort for the dummy-Marion thing when the ground shook. The windows rattled in their frames and some dust the cleanup crew had missed filtered down from the ceiling, misting the air around some of the guests. At first it seemed like there was nothing to be worried about. But then the trembling continued. Several more shudders shook the facility, and now the guests were starting to look worried.

Jennifer had already darted across the control room to her own station. She was inspecting the cameras with wide-eyed shock. One by one the screens flashed off and showed only static. Following her gaze, Marion however caught one glimpse of something.

It looked like another Zee-PEC portal opened in thin air right in front of the camera. A second later it flashed to fuzzy snow.

“That can’t be right.” Brian commented checking his own instruments as the tremors failed to end. “Johnson, how are the anchors holding out?”

“The seismographs on the Zee-PEC anchors are on zero!” a scientist in the corner of the room responded. “Whatever that is it’s not coming from the Zee-PEC.”

“Then what-...” Brian stopped himself as he looked through the observation window down at the party below.

The distressed guests were only thrown into further duress when something exploded into the very fabric of space-time in the midst of the dance floor. The band had long since stopped playing. A few folks screamed, jumping out of the way as a puddle of water formed right in front of them. this puddle however defied the laws of logic, much like the Zero Point Energy Converter did. A perfect disk of water, rippled calmly as it stood on end in the middle of the atrium.

Marion realised too late where he had seen the portal before. He recognised it from his dream...

Figures burst out of the portal hanging over the dance floor. Clad from head to toe in dirt brown fatigues, they sported steel ballistic vests under what looked like MOLLE tac-vests complete with magazine pouches and the works rigged to them. gripped in their four fingered claws were the easily distinguishable shapes of Kalashnikov assault rifles, the fusion of steel and wood impossible to mistake. Masks were pulled down over their faces, though it did little to hide their identity as there was only one thing that was built so out of proportion with long gorilla-like arms and bulldog-style faces.

Diamond Dogs.

And they weren’t alone. With them was a small crooked figure, though his posture was not to be mistaken for a weak one. Marion knew all too well the first time he’d tangled with the demonic looking monkey-man who stepped in after several of the Diamond Dogs.

He was impossible to mistake. It was the Collector from Marion’s dream! And if the Collector was impossible to mistake, events that followed should have been predictable.

The Collector and his mutts swept into the atrium leaving everyone bar security speechless. The armed security force ordered to keep the facility secure by any means necessary. When they saw the Diamond Dogs, they didn’t see cartoonish disproportionate creatures. They saw armed militant forces, and responded with appropriate aggression.

Marion flinched as several men cocked their pistols and prepared to fire on the dogs. Any second now a brutal firefight was going to break out, man versus dog... and then the strangest thing happened. Stranger than Diamond Dogs toting machine guns.

Click was the sound that echoed throughout the universe. It was heard by all, as the flash was seen. And in the blink of an eye all of the human soldiers’ guns had turned to ham.

“What the fuck.” Marion whispered. That could only be the work of...

He appeared in a flash of light floating above what had been a party. the Frankenstein of cartoon villains, the embodiment of chaos in behaviour and appearance.

Discord.

Marion pointed, not quite capable of coming up with something smart to say as Discord hovered there, laughing jauntily and spouting something about ‘toy-soldiers.’ But the sudden insanity didn’t end there.

Shadow rose up from the floor around the guards who were confounded by how their guns had turned to ham and were now held at gunpoint by the illegitimate love-children of a mutt and an ape of some kind. The darkness permeated like moisture rising from a hot surface, bubbling through he cracks in the floorboards and misting into the air. The whisps of living shadow seemed to form tendrils that quickly coiled around individuals. The tendrils solidified, grabbing anything they could get a hold of. Wrists, ankles, arms or legs. Marion noted General Zimmer fighting viciously against a tendril dragging him across the floor by the scruff of his neck. All pretty much at once the tendrils of shadow grasped the guests and herded them into a corner away from the doors and the Zee-PEC for the Diamond Dogs to keep an eye on the hostages.

When the tendrils misted once more they shot through the air before solidifying beside where Discord landed, wiping a tear of amusement from his eye. The darkness formed into the familiar shape. Not unlike Princess Celestia or her sister, Luna, the creature solidifying by Discord’s side was a tall, slender alicorn made entirely out of night sky. Clad in pale moonlit armour, Nightmare Moon was impossible to mistake, maniacal laugh and all.

The scientists were going mad trying to quantify everything they were witnessing down in the atrium. Even Brian had lost his mind trying to make sense of it. Somehow he’d thought it a good idea to punch numbers into a calculator, whatever the reason for that was completely lost on the rest of the world. Jennifer Chapel was in an equal panic, desperately trying to rais someone, anyone on the radio. Her entire security staff was down in the atrium and incapacitated, she was on her own until reinforcements arrived.

But since she was only getting static on her radios and phones, that would be if reinforcements arrived.

Marion had stumbled away from the observation window and huddled himself up agiasnt a cold wall. He was seated with Snoopy trembling up against his side. This was happening. This was really happening! They were being attacked by Equestria’s villains.

With a trembling hand, Marion reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. His ever faithful, simple little Nokia C2. The one he’d used in his Equestria adventure. He hadn’t thought of checking it. It hadn’t rung all day, so there had been no need to. But in his dream of Equestria he’d taken pictures on it.

If he’d really been there, he’d still have those images, right?

His heart hammering like a machine gun against his ribcage, Marion fumbled for the menu and accessed the gallery. What Marion found in his photo-gallery was a series of brightly coloured pictures.

The first picture was of someone, or rather somepony he thought he’d never see again outside his mind’s eye. An azure pony stood up on a mobile stage, a confident grin plastered over her face as the Great and Powerful Trixie reared up onto her hind legs, cape billowing in the wind.

The second image was of himself. He had one hand wiping away tears in this eyes as Trixie smiled reassuringly by his side. She had an aura of magic engulfing her horn where she magically bandaged up the teenager’s hand after he’d stabbed himself when first attempting to use his climbing-axe as a grappling hook. Instinctively Marion checked his hand to find there was no scar, but being all powerful Discord could have easily healed the distinct mark before teleporting the boy on his way home.

The next image was a panoramic shot of the Equestria landscape. A marble city carved entirely out of the clouds and topped by vibrant rainbows hung high above the glistening valley below.

Moving on he found an image of another human he’d run into on his travels. Andrew Shepherd was frozen in frame, doubled over and laughing alongside Spike the purple baby-dragon; with Ponyville’s librarian Twilight Sparkle standing stunned in the doorway somewhere in the background.

Finally at the end of the album was the brain-smelter. Marion stared at it for several long moments, trying to push down the tears welling in his eyes. The picture was of Trixie and himself. The duo sat on a grassy hill, Equestria spread out behind them. Trixie’s horn was glowing where she magically operated the phone’s camera to get them both in the shot, and the companions were smiling brightly at the lens. Framed behind them was Canterlot, grand and glittering as they had reached the final leg of their journey.

For the second time that day, a reality shattering realisation overwhelmed the boy. Though this time, it wasn’t so cruelly jarring.

“Trixie was real.” He whispered to himself as the human felt a wave of relief crash down over him. His companion had not been a figment of his warped imagination. The time he had spent with her had been real. The way he felt about her... that was real.

Why it felt like he’d swallowed a jar of butterflies as he thought of Trixie, the teenager couldn’t tell.

But clearly it has to do with the time-tempered phrase; there is someone for everybody. And clearly for everybody there is – in some exceptional cases – somepony...

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Interval 4.2: One Last Run

My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria

[The Mildly Interesting Marion Chapel]
Interval 4.2: One Last Run

Marion had almost fully comprehended that everything that had happened in Equestria for the past three months happened in the space of a few hours. How was it the Collector’s portals worked? Time and space? Time.

Discord must have sent the teenager not just back to his own world, but back in time too! It was the only thing that fitted logically. Either that or there was a Narnian time difference between Marion’s dimension and Equestria. But that just hurt his brain the more he thought about it.

“Marion, check this out!” Brian hissed waving the teenager over.

Tucking away his phone and rising to his feet, Marion crossed the control room and looked at what the scientist was looking at. The Collector’s portal collapsed in on itself and popped out of existence with a distinct pop. As the light faded and Marion blinked the multi-coloured spots out of his vision, he found himself staring at one particular figure standing in the midst of the atrium.

The Diamond Dog militants not watching their newly acquired hostages held their weapons stiffly by their sides and gave a formal salute, bowing their heads with a fist placed over their heart. The Collector mimicked the salute, even Discord and Nightmare Moon showed some respect by bowing elegantly. The hooded figure turned his head and waved them at ease so they could return to their tasks.

Marion soon realised he had both hands pressed against the pane of glass trying to peer under that hood. He wanted to know who that was. And soon his question was semi-answered.

With one claw, the individual pulled back his hood to reveal a gruff canine head. He was a Diamond Dog, though not like any Marion had ever seen before. The normal Diamond Dog would be Pitbull, or Bulldog in appearance with overly long muscular arms, broad barrel chests and little disproportionate legs.

This Diamond Dog had a much more feral, wolfen appearance. His steel coat was matted with streaks and patches of black, with a black eye-patch over the right eye. His silver fangs were clearly visible as his lips curled back in a scowl at the sight of the humans cowering in the corner, with his steel claws curling into fists.

“Rockbreaker team!” the cycloptic Diamond Dog commanded in a harsh, raspy voice. “Maintain atrium security. Scavenger team, raid the armouries and prepare to move out. Hunter team, you are responsible for securing the control room. I do not want any surprises!”

With multiple affirmative barks joined into one the respective teams of Diamond Dogs went about their tasks.

Meanwhile in the control room above the atrium Jennifer Chapel had heard the dog’s loud orders and was desperately trying to come up with some kind of plan to keep them all alive.

“Perkins, lock that door!” the colonel commanded one of the scientists as she followed him to the control room’s entrance. “Marion, where’s your taser?”

“Uh... in my bag. Battery’s low though.”

“That is why you need to-...” Jennifer stopped mid-sentence when Perkins was launched halfway across the room.

Not through his own fault mind you. Professor Perkins had done as Colonel Chapel instructed closing and bolting the door. Though it did very little when Perkins heard a thud against the wooden frame followed by some soft beeping.

“Oh, crap.” he had tried to say, but it only came out as a soft mneu, mneu, mneu kind of whimper. The man threw himself to one side and a moment later the doorway exploded, further propelling Perkins like a ridiculous looking action figure flung by a careless child.

Everyone bar Jennifer hit the deck. She merely twisted away, recoiling from the close proximity of the blast while shading her face with her arms. A moment later two Diamond Dogs charged into the control room. They swept right past Jennifer, almost ignoring her as they trained their guns on Marion and the others. Marion Chapel was of course not going to argue with the wrong end of a 7.62-caliber assault weapon and immediately put up his hands. Even Snoopy did the same.

Jennifer Chapel on the other hand wasn’t one to surrender. Straightening up she faces the backs of the two mutts as a third stepped through the smouldering ruin that had once been a door. It twisted around and practically shoved the barrel of an AK-47 down her throat. Which – might I add – was the mutt’s first mistake.

Marion’s mother moved faster than the boy could duck for cover. Seeing that flare of anger in her eye as she noted her son and boyfriend being held at gunpoint, Marion knew damn well what was going to happen next. Best be hugging the floor when it happened.

She snatched the weapon clean out of the Diamond Dog’s clutches. Swinging it around by the barrel, she let it revolve through the air once before catching it by the proper grips, leaving the Diamond Dog completely flustered and confused. Jennifer used that to her advantage and stepped closer, smashing the metal-riveted butt against the hound’s face.

As the first Diamond Dog fell with stars circling his head, Jennifer shouldered the weapon and fired two controlled bursts. The noise of the gunfire was enough to pop everybody’s ear drums. Three rounds flattened against one mutt’s back, throwing the creature off his feet. The second trio hit the back of the other’s armoured vest. He too fell completely winded and squirming in pain as Jennifer marched closer to make sure those two dogs were out of the fight. Clearly not wanting to provoke the woman’s wrath, the Diamond Dogs glanced up at her, then gave defeated sighs and stayed down.

“Everybody okay?” the colonel asked as she lowered the rifle and checked her surroundings.

Brian had been cowering in his chair with his hands covering his ears to protect himself form the noise of the gunfire. Marion and Snoopy had dived under one of the computer desks and bumped their heads. The other scientists in the room had dived for cover too, bumping head and scuffing knees. But other than that, everybody was unharmed. Stunned but unharmed. Slowly looking up, Brian glanced over Jennifer as she pulled a fresh magazine from the vest of one of the mutts she had disabled.

Holding it horizontally, she opened the magazine-release lever and flicked the partially spent cartridge out of the weapon. When the receiver was clear, she clicked the fresh mag in place before turning the weapon on its side and cycling the action. An unfired bullet pinged off into the corner of the room before the bolt snapped shut again, chambering the first of thirty new rounds.

“How is it you’re even sexier when you’re holding a high powered assault rifle?” the woman’s boyfriend commented plainly.

Jennifer didn’t quite have an answer for that one, so she just gave him a smile.

The calm didn’t last long though. It was about then a wee fella, ‘bout twenty pounds, three-foot-nine-inches with green skin and a nametag that read ‘Murphy’ showed up.

Another Diamond Dog stepped through the open doorway, the last of the squad sent to secure the control room. Letting out a bark, the mutt fired his rifle. Jennifer flinched, stepping to one side, but it seemed the round had missed everything and punched into a computer console behind her, leaving a gaping hole in the steel and plastic.

Turning her own weapon over she tried to raise it before the Diamond Dog corrected his aim, but was too slow. She was already staring down the barrel of the Kalashnikov...

BLAM!

This time the bullet went completely wide of everything, hitting the floor at the Diamond Dog’s own feet. Blinking, Jennifer noted a blur of black and white had shot across the room and latched itself to the hound’s forearm, pulling the weapon off-aim.

Snoopy growled venomously as she sank her teeth deeper into the Diamond Dog nearly pulling the creature off his feet. It was enough for the mutt to whimper in pain as he was quite literally turned into Snoopy’s bitch.

A second blur of black and white shot after the loyal canine. It took a moment for everyone to realise that second blur was Marion holding his skateboard by the nose high over one shoulder.

He swung it with both arms in a wide downward angled arch until the tail smashed into the Diamond Dog’s face. As the dog fell back a step, Marion quickly recovered from the swing and scythed the board upward again, catching the hound under the chin. The Diamond Dog literally left the ground before crumbling into an unconscious heap with the teenager standing over him.

“Holy shit, Marr!” Brian laughed disbelievingly.

Taking a breath, Marion flashed the adults a small grin, looking a little proud as he patted the ever loyal Snoopy on the head. “Hey, mom. You missed one.” He commented simply.

Jennifer chuckled. “That’s my boy... unfh!”

As his mother gasped in pain, Marion whirled around and dropped his board when he saw she was doubled over. Her hands lifted away from where she was holding her side to reveal a dark crimson liquid staining her pale skin, more of the stuff soaked up in her jacket.

“Oh, holy fucking shit! Mom, you’ve been fucking shot!”

Jennifer growled with a mixture of pain and irritation as she was helped into a chair by Brian and Professor Johnson. “Watch your mouth, young man.”

Brian set to work pulling off her jacket and unbuttoning her shirt. Normally speaking her son would have poured salt into his eyes at the sight of this. But there and then, he was stunned. All he could see was his own mother’s blood.

Marion liked to think he knew his mom really well. Really had a handle on the old lady. But of all the things he’s ever considered his mom; his bodyguard, his taxi-chauffeur, the superhero, the soldier... he’d never actually considered her to be just a normal person. She had ideas, opinions, fears, hopes and desires. She was flesh and bone, just like him.

Mortal, just like Marion. And seeing her sit there bleeding was all too overwhelming

“Clean puncture.” Brian reported as he inspected the ragged hole in Jennifer’s side. “In one end, out the other. Doesn’t look like you’ve lost any organs.”

“All meat, eh? Aren’t we lucky today?” Marion managed to say between taking shuddering breaths.

Jennifer flinched as Brian pressed his jacket around her waist to plug the holes. “Ugh... I can still bleed out.”

“Yeah, we noticed. Hold still. Marr, keep pressure there.” Brian ordered.

On a normal day Marion would have qualms about touching his own mom like that. But on that particular day his mom had been fucking shot and was bleeding. The teenager did exactly what Brian told him without hesitation, keeping the bloody jacket in place over the wounds while the professor helped his colleagues find a med-kit.

Noticing the cold sweat on her son’s forehead, Jennifer leaned over to get a better look at Marion’s face. “Hey, sweetheart.” She whispered softly. “You okay?”

Marion gulped hard, staring at the blood soaking up in the jacket and staining the palms of his hands. It was definitely slowing. He just wished it’d stop. “Uh... yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Just... it’s a little weird having people shooting at me.”

His mother gave a small smile. “You’ll get used to it.”

“I certainly hope not.”

***[]***

It had been quiet for about a dozen or so minutes. Marion was sitting up against a console, arms folded across his chest wondering when the cavalry would arrive. Heck, it didn’t have to be the cavalry riding flying chariots of steel and fire, he’d settle for some marines, or the National Guard even.

There had been no more attempts on the control room. Two scientists with guns requisitioned from the Diamond Dogs sat by the door keeping a lookout. The Diamond Dogs were tied up with several lengths of discarded cables, under the watchful eye of Snoopy.

Brian and Johnson had finished patching up his mother, and she lay snoozing in the chair with her jacket pulled up over her shoulders. The bleeding had been stopped and she didn’t go into shock, but Brian had given her something to take the edge off the pain.

The atrium had been quiet. The hostages under Nightmare Moon’s watch hadn’t thrown up a fuss, more out of bafflement they were being restrained by a magical mare of the night. Discord had been lazily swaying in a hammock made out of jelly-beans – for some strange reason – while the Collector and the one-eyed Diamond Dog badass explored the Zee-PEC chamber. They seemed particularly interested in one of the server stacks near the main power conduit.

“Marr!” Brian whispered getting the teenager’s attention. “Movement!”

Whirling around, Marion dropped to one knee and slid into cover beside the scientist. They were keeping a low profile, so while spying over the atrium they made sure to keep their heads down. With Jennifer incapacitated they wouldn’t last long against a horde of angry militant canines.

Slowly straightening up, the two peeked over the console and down into the atrium to get a mild fright.

The Diamond Dogs of Scavenger team had returned. And with them they towed several motorised dollies. Stainless steel trucks with three pairs of all-terrain wheels, they were stacked high with chrome and olive green boxes with re-enforced steel bands across the sleek surfaces. All of them had unique warning messages printed along their spines. Some explosive, some indicated live-ammunition. Others had the profiles of M16 carbines printed on the main face.

They had three dollies in total, all stacked high with ammunition, guns and explosives raided from the facility’s armoury. The leader of Scavenger team marched to where the cycloptic Diamond Dog was fidgeting with the electronics of the Zee-PEC and delivered his report.

“Excellent work, beta.” The top-dog announced loudly. “Secure the cargo, we return to Equestria immediately.”

Marion frowned as the Diamond Dog announced that as he pointed into the Zee-PEC portal.

What was it Brian had said? The atmosphere of the world on the other side of that portal was buzzing with energy? And Marion remembered how his phone had been on an endless charging cycle while he was in Equestria. There was no doubt left in his mind.

That portal led directly to Equestria! That was his ticket back-...

Marion stopped himself and looked over his shoulder to where his mother sat. Was it right to head back though? What if he was missed? But he did want to see Trixie again...

With a sigh he pushed those issues to the back of his mind. One problem at a time.

“They’re shipping out with a fuck-tonne of weapons.” Marion narrated softly. “How do we stop them?”

Brian shook his head. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Oh, some scientist you are.” The younger human hissed.

“Hey, I’m doing my best!”

“Your best?” Marion scoffed. “Losers whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom-queen!”

“Jennifer was the prom-queen.” Brian noted with a smirk.

Marion managed to not retch... barely. “And that was completely unnecessary for me to know. Gross, dude.”

Looking back down through the window they saw the one-eyed Diamond Dog rip an access panel off one of the stacks of computers. Revealed within were two crystals and a plethora of computer chips. As he took hold of the glowing pink cylindrical crystals, the Scavenger team corporal plucked a foam padded case from a nearby dolly and held it open.

The leader gave the crystals a sharp twist, then removed them from the console, placing both gently in the case for it to be snapped shut.

“Did...” Marion gaped a little oblivious to how bad things were going. He wasn’t sure though, but ripping something shiny out of very complicated machinery simply had to be bad. “Did he just-...”

“Oh, crap.” Brian whispered, confirming Marion’s fears that things had gone from bad to worse. “He just pocketed the control crystals!”

Marion dug his nails into the plastic computer console. “Great. How long ‘till our black-holey fate?”

“Matter of hours.” Professor Johnson responded hoarsely. And he wasn’t the only scientist in the room to turn very pale.

“What do we do about it?” Marion snapped.

“Let me think.” Brian quickly pulled up a chair and started going through his computer. Feeling a little useless again as the scientists set to work on a solution to their predicament, Marion looked back down into the atrium.

Nightmare Moon had left the hostages in the care of a squad of Diamond Dogs and joined Discord as he floated over to where the one-eyed Diamond Dog was inspecting the weapons cache his militants had retrieved.

Discord landed gently by his side, nudging the mutt to get his attention. “Your dogs in the control room haven’t reported in.” he said a little worried.

“Leave them. This world has served its purpose.” The top-dog growled. “Collector! Ensure this portal overloads and destroys this world.”

The Collector bowed. “Certainly, Alpha Bedlam.” He closed the Zee-PEC chamber, locking himself in as the final dolly with weapons rolled onto the metal ramp.

Hearing them over the live intercom up in the control room, Marion narrowed his eyes. Alpha Bedlam. There was a name he had to remember.

Watching helplessly, Marion stared at Bedlam, Nightmare Moon and Discord as they disappeared through the Zee-PEC portal along with the Diamond Dogs operating the dollies stacked with weapons, tac-gear and ordinance. Left behind was the Collector who sealed himself in the Zee-PEC chamber and the Diamond Dogs

So that was his plan. Steal the control crystals from the Zero Point Energy Converter and bring a shit-tonne of guns and ammo back with him into Equestria. Already, those were the first ingredients for a recipe of disaster, leaving Marion’s world to be destroyed by a de-stabilising Zee-PEC notwithstanding.

“Brian,” Marion growled. “I want to inflict some pain upon that Bedlam guy.”

“We’ll get him, Marr. One thing at a time. First we need to power down the Zee-PEC or we might not get that far.” Brian responded. “Johnson, I need you down there to initiate an emergency shutdown.”

“There are a lot of guys with guns down there.” Professor Johnson noted with a grimace.

“I’ll go.” Marion quickly interjected causing Brian to choke and cough.

“What? Not a chance. Didn’t you hear the man? Those guys down there have guns!”

“Yeah? And what’s Cave gonna do to ‘em? Throw some combustible lemons?” Marion snapped.

Professor Johnson scowled, flipping him the bird.

“Seriously though. I’ll do it.” Marion insisted. “If something goes wrong we’ll need smart people to come up with a remedy. I’ll get in there and push the big red button.”

And he wasn’t just going to risk his life for his own world’s sake. God only knew what kind of anarchy that Diamond Dog was planning to unleash upon Equestria. He needed to warn someone.

Or more specifically, somepony.

Three stage plan. Stage one, take down Collector. Stage two, disable portal. Stage three, force the Collector to spill the beans on what Bedlam and his squad of assholes was up to. That little bastard could generate magical portals through space and time, so he could always transport Marion to Princess Celestia’s doorstep to deliver a warning.

“Y’know,” a woman’s voice piped up in the midst of their plotting. “I trained you so you could defend yourself. Not to go throwing yourself into danger.”

Turning on the spot, Marion spotted his mother. She was sat up, clutching her side, but awake. She looked tired. Her groomed hair was a mess, her shirt soaked with blood. At least it was buttoned up enough so Marion didn’t have to look at her bra anymore.

Realising she was okay, Marion grinned. “Coming from the lady who wants me to join the army.”

She grinned back. “Point taken.”

Rising to his feet the teenager moved closer. “This is the only way, mom... look, I’m sorry I never finished in my application forms, and I’m sorry I don’t want to enter military service like the rest of the family. I want you to be proud of me, I really do-...”

Jennifer held up a hand to cut him off as he knelt beside her. “You don’t have to join the army for me to be proud of you, Marion. You’ve always fought for what you believed in... and for that I’ve always been proud of you.” widening her tired smile, she gently ran her hand over the boy’s face. “Oh, Marr. Look at you. Saving the universe all on your own. You’ve grown up so fast.”

They both chortled at the same time. Shaking off her pain and fatigue, Jennifer shifted in her seat and managed to stand. A little unevenly, but she was on her feet at least. With a groan she stooped and snatched up the assault rifle perched up against her chair.

“I’ll cover you from up here.” the colonel announced, cradling the rifle high across her chest.

“What? We’re sending Marion in there!?” Brian almost exclaimed as he jumped to his feet. “Jenny, are you sure?”

“He’s in better condition to get it done than the rest of us.” Jennifer assured with a proud grin before turning to her son. “Keep your head down and move fast.”

Marion smirked. “Oh, I’ll be moving fast alright.” And before he left the control room, he patted his leg for Snoopy to regroup and snatched up his skateboard...

***[Machine Gun (16bit Remix) – Noisia]***

Bar the hum of energy piercing the transparent containment wall separating the Zero Point Energy Converter from the rest of the atrium, the chamber was silent. Every now and then there was a slight shift in gear or a click of a rifle as the Diamond Dogs made their rounds between the doors and the hostages huddled in an enclosure of tables. The humans were keeping their heads down, avoiding the piercing gazes of the mutts.

The Collector waited in the Zee-PEC chamber alone, the door at the base of the ramp sealed behind him as he gazed into the blue liquid-like surface of the portal, comparing it’s comparatively brutal methods of opening compared to his own magical means. None of them were prepared for what happened next.

The observation windows on the control room shattered. Glass shards rained down in a fine mist of miniscule daggers and grains. Flashes of light lit up the dark control room, muzzles from assault rifles flaring angrily with each thunderous gunshot. Empty brass shells rolled over the floor of the room as 7.62 millimetre diameter assault rifle bullets seared down from above, blanketing the atrium in a rain of death.

One of the Diamond Dogs was caught in the fray immediately, and fell clutching his chest and shoulder. Several rounds peppered his armour, flattening against the chest-piece but leaving their bruises. Only one had pierced, cutting through fur and flesh, eliciting a loud yelp from the mutt.

The other Diamond Dogs immediately dove for cover, kicking up tables and scrambling under chairs to avoid the incoming rain of hot lead... well, actually the most common form of 7,62mm ammunition on the market at the time happened to be consistent of a copper-plated steel jacket containing a mostly steel core. In all, there was actually very little lead in the round compared to the ratio of steel... but semantics.

The point here is that there was plenty of ammo flying about the place, enough for someone to practically walk on. As Jennifer Chapel and a few armed scientists laid down some suppressing fire, drawing some Diamond Dog fire in return, a door on the edge of the atrium swung open.

At first nothing emerged. But the moment the Diamond Dogs scattered, a shadow blurred from the doorway. Hunched down on all fours, Snoopy sprinted with all her might, mouth hanging open and tongue rolling out the side. Her harness was pulled tight with the lead attached to the ring between her shoulder-blades. The lead was pulled taught too, and hanging on to the loop at the end was a human hand.

Marion’s hand to be exact.

As Snoopy sprinted across the atrium like a laser guided missile, Marion held on with his feet firmly planted on his skateboard. Under the cacophony of gunfire ripping through the air the rumble of the wheels over the polished floor was unheard. And with their swift pace the Diamond Dogs barely noticed any more than a black and white blur shooting past them.

One mutt did fully notice though and stopped firing. Lifting his rifle high as he swivelled so he wouldn’t take the head off his buddy, the Diamond Dog aimed in Marion’s direction and let loose a long sustained burst.

Bullets smashed into the ground at the tail of Marion’s board as he leaned from side to side, carving out of the path of incoming projectiles. Sensing the danger too, Snoopy quickly altered her trajectory and darted to one side.

Marion swung to one side, nearly tugged off his board. Balancing on the rear wheels he managed to swipe the nose towards Snoopy’s tail and match the sudden change of direction. Landing with a silent tchock he crouched down a little lower to make his profile even smaller. The snap and crackle of rounds piercing the air close behind him was growing more audible now his ears were adjusting to the thunderous roar of the gunfire.

Snoopy changed direction a few more times before darting under a table. Still hanging on to the dog-lead, Marion grabbed his skateboard by the edge and threw himself off to one side.

Landing on his hip, he slid under the table after Snoopy with his board cradled over his chest.

A moment later they emerged out the other side. Rolling to his feet, Marion quickly kicked back and his heel caught the table, flipping it over and forming a barrier between him and the shooter. As he jumped back on his board for Snoopy to tow him rapidly the final leg across the atrium, a distinct series of cracks could be heard as the Diamond Dog tried to shoot through the table. Luckily to no avail.

Nosing her way towards the door separating them from the Zee-PEC chamber, Snoopy hopped clean over the next table. Marion followed with a rushed, shoddy, but adequate ‘ollie.’ As he jumped up, he kicked back with his right foot on the tail of the board. The curved end slammed into the ground, bouncing the board into the air as he dragged his left foot up as high as he could along the grip-tape. The result was the board being lifted clean into the air and into his hand.

He caught the board mid-jump knowing damn well he wasn’t going to clear the jump. And luckily he let go of Snoopy’s lead too. With board in hand he crashed into the surface of the table and slid across, disappearing over the other side. He dragged with him a portion of tablecloth, sending a series of cupcakes and other snacks spraying over the floor. One of the buffet ice-sculptures nearby caught a bullet and quite literally exploded into a shower of little crystals.

Hitting the deck with a distinct thud didn’t slow the teenager. He still had bullets whizzing around his ears and needed to keep moving. Sliding his board into the makeshift holster of bungie-chords on his backpack, Marion quickly ran up to the door leading into the Zee-PEC chamber. He slid open the bolt and was about to wrench it open when several sparks exploded beside his face. Bullets flattened against the impenetrable glass, crushing the cores and sending tiny slivers of copper-coated steel scattering everywhere.

One of the shrapnel flechettes stung Marion in the cheek, and with a cry he gripped the lightning bolt of pain stinging his skin as he dove back into the cover of the table he’d jumped over. Snoopy followed immediately, hitting the deck by her master’s side. With gritted teeth the teenager lifted his fingers from his cheek to see some blood attenuate his fingerprints. He imagined the shrapnel had left a badass looking cut in his cheek, but he didn’t care. It fucking hurt!

Twisting around the boy slowly lifted his head over his makeshift cover to see if whoever was shooting at him was still at it. Unfortunately they were and another ice-sculpture nearby exploded as an overabundance of rounds passed through it.

Marion ducked, but not completely, so he could keep a good view of what was going on. There were two Diamond Dogs making their way over to him. Their guns were held at hip height and they were firing in maniacal sweeps. They weren’t very accurate, but at that range with such an open target, they didn’t need to be. Never before was spraying-and-praying so damn effective.

But that’s when a shadow loomed behind the Diamond Dog on the right... or was that the left? No, it was on Marion’s left. A figure ducked out from behind a cluster of upturned chairs grabbed the nearest Diamond Dog. The way the figure moved, Marion could barely believe it was old General John Zimmer moving like he was a guy barely out of his twenties.

The general grabbed the dog’s Kalashnikov by the foregrip and stock as he twisted the barrel downward. He drove a knee under the hound’s belt, literally lifting the mutt off his feet. Judging by the bulging eyeballs, that seriously hurt. And then to finish him off, Zimmer pulled the rifle from the Diamond Dog’s claws and smashed the stock into his chin. The hound went down without trouble.

The second was stunned for a moment, enough time for General Zimmer to swing his newly acquired rifle like a club and beat the mutt in the face. The Diamond Dog was on the ground by the time Zimmer had turned the AK-47 over and shouldered it as his own.

Dayumn! Marion through to himself. “Pretty spry for an old guy, general!” he called out.

Zimmer responded with a quick salute before plucking up a new magazine from one of the fallen Diamond Dogs. “Do what you have to, son! I got this!” he bellowed before turning to the remaining Diamond Dogs firing up at the control room windows and unleashing the fury of an old fashioned ass-kicking upon them.

Marion mimicked the salute before returning to the task at hand.

Darting back out of cover, the teenager threw his shoulder against the chamber’s door and forced his way through. The door swung open with surprising ease and he fell through, dangling awkwardly from one hand clutching the handle tightly. Snoopy followed him inside, jumping over the teenager and landing smoothly between him and where the Collector stood. The loyal hound immediately lowered her head, growling protectively as the hairs on her neck stood up, eliciting a backwards step from the Collector.

Managing to right himself, Marion slammed the door shut and bolted it again before turning to face the Zero Point Energy Converter, and the demon-monkey standing between him and it.

The Collector wasn’t all too different from when Marion last saw him in a dingy cave under what he’d originally through to be Meghan’s Temple. He was clad in a steel-grey chainmail shirt with a wide leather belt wrapped around his waist. For some reason the squat little demon-monkey forgot to put on pants that morning, pulling off something of a Donald Duck. All shirt, no pants. Weird.

Standing ready as if to take a speeding freight train to the face, the Collector curled his thick hands into fists. “Are you ready for round two, little man? This time you don’t have anyone to help you.”

Marion shrugged as he and Snoopy readied themselves to meet his challenge. “True. That’s why I brought this.”

His right hand darted into the back of his belt before he tore something free. His fingers were tight around the pistol grip, and the muzzle angled directly at the demon-monkey, causing the Collector to recoil and scream with surprise at the same time. Marion’s trigger finger jerked and there was a distinct gas-propelled pop. Two metal diodes made contact with the Collector, dead centre, just below the belt buckle.

What followed was the rapid-fire click-click-click along with the monkey’s even higher pitched scream as the dying amps of a fifty-thousand volts unloaded into the Collector’s balls. At least, the relative area where his balls should have been.

Needless to say his eyes crossed and the demon-monkey was twitching and squirming on the ground in less than a second.

With a smirk, Marion fished a zip-tie out of his pocket and wrapped it around the trigger. Tightening up the tie to keep the trigger depressed, the boy dropped the taser at the Collector’s twitching body to let the bastard absorb the last of the battery pack.

Stepping over the Collector, Marion slyly held up a hand, fingers tight together and only separating with a V-shape between his middle and ring-finger. “Live long and prosper...” he twisted his hand around and presented the back of his middle finger to the twitching monkey. “Bitch!”

Moving further up the wide ramp, Marion paused by the access panel that had once housed the control crystals. Unless he got some layman instructions from Brian soon he’d have to resort to pulling out random cables. Truth be told, he didn’t even know where to start on the damn thing.

“Okay, Marr. Can you hear me?” Brian’s voice crackled over the intercom and Marion responded with a thumbs-up to the control room’s observation window. “Good. Directly underneath where that Bedlam thing pulled out the control crystals, that’s where you’ll find the emergency shut-off cylinder. It’s basically the fuse that runs power into the ring maintaining the portal. Twist the cylinder clockwise, then pull it out of the housing completely. Be careful, it’s heavy.”

The name certainly gave away what he was looking for. The teenager found the failsafe in question just underneath the access panel Bedlam had ripped open. It was a slightly angled cylinder, housed within another larger cylinder, handle in the centre with the whole device mounted on the side of the metal ramp.

On one side were a mess of cables leading to the various server stacks and buffers. On the other side of the cylinder was a particularly thick cable running into the actual ring. Leaning down, Marion grasped the handle and gave it a clockwise twist as Brian had instructed.

With a distinct thunk the locks let go. All Marion had to do was pull the cylinder out completely... easier said than done. The damn thing was heavy... much heavier than Brian had indicated.

With a jolt, the cylinder sank deeper out of reach, dragging Marion with it. The boy let out a surprised cry. That was until Snoopy darted in and bit down on the teenager’s backpack strap. Steadying herself on all fours, the dog managed to keep her master from slipping away.

Gritting his teeth, the duo pulled at the same time. Millimetre by millimetre the cylinder rose, slowly coming free. Though it didn’t get any easier. Stepping forward at the halfway point, Marion planted a foot on the edge of the cylinder, locked his other hand around the handle and heaved harder than he’d ever heaved before.

“Marion, we’re kinda running out of time here.” came Brian’s nervous voice on the intercom. “Put your back into it, man.”

“You get your ass down here and lift this fuckin’ thing then.” Marion retorted.

Still, he did lower his stance and put his back into it.

The final inch slid free with a distinct scrape of metal on metal and the cylinder finally came free. Both the teenager and his loyal hound crashed into the deck as the impossibly heavy cylinder cratered into the ramp beside them.

“Power dissipating. You did it! The portal is powering down. It’s unstable at the moment, but its closing! Just make sure to stand clear.”

“Fu-huuck!” Marion coughed as he slowly climbed to his feet. “Finally some good news.”

Looking up at the portal being generated by the Zee-PEC, Marion noticed a definite dullness about it. It wasn’t as bright or vibrant as before. And it was definitely flickering, struggling to stay open. That was it. Marion’s world was saved. Equestria next.

On that note, Marion turned around to see how the Collector was enjoying his shock-therapy. The teenager’s expression went visibly glum when he saw the demon-monkey was on his feet.

“Well done.” The Collector snarkily praised. “You’ve gone and done it. Saved this world. Captured me. And for what. To save your dying world?”

“Well this world is where I keep all my stuff.” Marion retorted smartly. “But it’s not just for my world.”

“Oh? For who then? The little ponies?” The Collector snapped in a teasing tone. “You’re going to save Princess Celestia and her herd of mindless subjects next, are you?

“Not all of them.” there was only one azure unicorn surfacing in the teenager’s mind at that very point. “Just the one.”

“How precious.” The Collector’s eyes flashed a vicious shade of red. The taser lay on the ground, no longer clicking, but the red battery indicator letting Marion know the Collector’s balls were now sufficiently fried. With a twitching eye, the monkey reached back and there was a distinct noise of metal on metal. With a smooth action he drew free what looked like an elegant dagger. It was as long as the average kitchen knife, with a thick, razor edged blade ending in a perfect point. The grip was gilded with leather and gold with a distinct pommel in the shape of a pony’s skull.

Though the fanciful nature of the knife was irrelevant, since it disappeared a second later at Snoopy’s will...

She was a blur of black and white, acting without thought or hesitation. As she had before in the control room when her other master had been shot at, Snoopy identified a threatening posture along with a dangerous weapon. Like an ankle biter pouncing on a fallen chocolate bar, she darted forward with speed and grace, sinking her sharp teeth deep enough into the monkey’s wrist to draw blood. The knife fell; clattering to the deck and sliding out of reach as the Collector grabbed Snoopy by the scruff of her neck and tore her off.

With a lazy wave he threw the dog to one side, sending her crashing into a server stack with a loud yelp. Marion immediately took a step to the demon-monkey.

“Hey, lay off my dog!” the boy cried angrily.

The Collector ignored him, running directly at the teenager. The two collided as the monkey tried to grasp Marion’s throat. Marion recoiled, demon-monkey by the wrists. Neither of them were paying attention to where they fell and they stumbled into the eye of the Zee-PEC’s ring. A moment later the glistening blue light in the chamber faded. The portal vanished and the equipment powered down with a hum strangely akin to Marion’s Xbox shutting off.

...

“Marr?” Jennifer’s voice echoed over the intercoms as silence filled the portal-chamber. “Marion, can you hear me? Marion...!?”

The only sound in the chamber were Snoopy’s claws on the floor as she wandered about and whimpered while searching for Marion. But there was no reply to his mother’s calls...

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Interval 4.3: B.M.T.F.F.

My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria

[The Mildly Interesting Marion Chapel]
Interval 4.3: B.M.T.F.F.

By all accounts, their marriage should have been cursed. Seriously, first the bride was kidnapped and replaced by an evil imposter – Queen of the Changelings no less. The bridesmaids turned into zombies. Then Canterlot was nearly levelled by the aforementioned Changelings. Princess Celestia nearly DIED! The captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard nearly suffered a buckin’ aneurism trying to make it right. The Elements of Harmony were nearly torn apart...

All because of a fairy-tale wedding.

Still, in the end it seemed Captain Shining Armour and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza were meant to be together. It all worked itself out in the end, right? The bug-ponies bucked off on a wave of weaponised fuzzy-feelings. The real Princess Cadence turned out to be pretty cool. The actual wedding that followed couldn’t have gone any better. Scootaloo got to wear a dress and for the first time in her life felt pretty...

In all, a good day. And how better to top it off with a flank-kicking reception.

Trixie sighed as the DJ threw on a slow number and the recently wed bride and groom settled on the dance floor for their first dance as a married couple. The Canterlot gardens had been especially decorated, and looked even more beautiful than they usually did. Fireflies hung on the glittering streamers and banners. All the summer flowers were in full bloom under Luna’s star-spangled sky centred by a full moon. The guests were eating cake and having fun. It was essentially a perfect night.

The worst that could happen was for the cider to run ou-... waitaminute...

Trixie’s eyes bulged as she realised she’d been pulled into a daydream, reminiscing the day’s events. She’d been so pre-occupied by her own thoughts she forgot to check the cider kegs.

Quickly straightening up her bowtie, the newly appointed head of catering staff galloped to the buffet, dodging past the guests as best she could. Since Rabbit had disappeared Trixie had been down in the gutter. She had nothing to do... she didn’t seem to want anything to do. She’d moped in her inn room for a day and a half before she was attacked by a group of Changelings.

Let’s just say that didn’t last long, since Changelings had a serious allergy to explosive pixie-dust conjured by an angry showmare.

Through a bizarre turn of events she managed to survive the attack on the streets of Canterlot to the end. During the re-preparation for the real Canterlot Royal Wedding, Princess Celestia and her niece Cadence looked Trixie up. They offered her a job, though not as glorious as a protector of peace and justice, head of the catering staff at the reception would be enough to get Trixie back on her hooves and focused on life once more. All she had to do was organise the waiters and chefs, making sure they did their jobs and didn’t stumble over each other’s hooves.

She’d put her past behind her in the days that followed and focused on the future. She’d lied blatantly to everypony’s face whenever they asked her if she still missed Rabbit though.

With some of her other experiences as a showmare, she’d made a competent head of catering. Applejack had the food ready, and Pinkie Pie had done most of the reception decoration. That left Trixie to just make sure drinks kept flowing, waiters did their rounds and the firework show went off without exploding in everypony’s face. She took particular pride in the fireworks she’d organised. Everypony had been amazed by the glittering representation of Shining Armour and Cadence kissing in the night sky.

Reaching the buffet table, Trixie was relieved to find out the cider kegs still had sufficient cider in them. The waiters were competently passing mugs around and making sure the stock of Applejack’s food on the buffet table was being replenished.

Realising she had another few moments with nothing to do but think – something dangerous for a mare in her current predicament – Trixie couldn’t help but think of Rabbit. She wondered what Discord had done with her companion. All that had been left after they disappeared was an olive green bush-hat and a climbing-axe. It seemed Discord had drained his powers from the implement and vanished to... well, wherever the hell it was that strange, stupid little spirit thing came from.

Thinking back to the events of Discord whisking Rabbit away, Trixie felt angry. She felt angry at Luna for trying to put the moves on her human. She felt angry at Discord for being a massive tool and ruining everypony’s day. She felt angry at... herself. She was most of all angry at herself for not saving Rabbit in time. She could have tried harder. If she really loved him that much, she would have done more to help him.

The showmare rubbed her eyes, holding back tears for the third time that day. Working on something else wasn’t helping. She couldn’t help feel sad, and feared these feelings weren’t going away. She tried to take comfort in thinking that Rabbit wouldn’t blame her for what happened at all. She knew he wouldn’t blame her... but that just made her think about what Rabbit would think about stuff, and how she’d never know for sure because he was gone...

It was a vicious cycle of self-destruction.

Until a motherly voice picked her up for a few split seconds.

“Trixie, are you alright?”

Lifting her head, the mare literally jolted before turning on the spot to face Princess Celestia. The tall alicorn stood significantly over the azure unicorn, levitating a delicate champagne glass in a cradle of golden light by her side. Her voice had been laced with concern, as were her eyes, but Trixie didn’t notice. Her eyes were fixed on Celestia’s nearly-empty glass.

“Princess, would you like Trixie to re-fill that for you?” the unicorn squeaked as her horn began to glow.

A cloud of pale greyish magenta nearly tore the glass from Celestia’s grip before the princess’ telekinetic grip overpowered her subject’s and she took the glass back. Narrowing her eyes sorrowfully, Celestia craned her head in closer to Trixie.

“I wasn’t asking for a re-fill, Trixie.” Celestia said. “I was asking if you were alright.”

Trixie stared for a moment, and then the showmare’s brave face fell. Her ears pinned back as her chin nearly slammed into the ground with her head sagging sadly.

“Trixie misses him, princess.” despite her third-person method of speech, there was no blasé tone, no confident smile and no proud stature. “She...” her voice faltered completely as she figured: oh, what’s the point? “I miss Rabbit.”

Celestia too hung her head. “I am sorry Trixie.”

They had a moment. A moment of calm. A moment of peace. They shared a moment of silence to commemorate a guest taken from them too soon. To show respect for the fallen.

And it was interrupted as someone shouted over the music:“Hey! Where the fuck is the badass statue of me commemorating my epic battle with Discord?”

That voice... that glorious, beautiful, soothing – yet at the same time irritating – voice! It was his voice. The one voice Trixie thought she’d never hear again. The one voice she wanted to hear for the rest of eternity despite how crude, foul and sometimes stubbornly obnoxious every other word was.

It made Trixie gasp with shock as her eyes jerked open. She knew she’d heard it. It was clear as Celestia’s brightest summer days. But she didn’t dare leave it to chance. Her ears swivelled as she immediately honed in to where the voice had come from and whirled to face that direction.

“Rabbit!” she immediately cried as her eyes met a figure standing halfway across one of the Canterlot lawns.

Standing with his arms out for a hug, Rabbit was dressed for a night out. White shirt, black jacket and trousers. His sneakers were off-theme though. He had a backpack strapped to his back with a skateboard attached in a makeshift holster and despite the clotted cut on his cheek he was smiling.

“Hi everybody! Did’ya miss me?” After a moment of realisation he was using the wrong words, Rabbit slouched with an irritated twitch in his eye. “Ugh... pony. Everypony. This is gonna take some getting used to again.”

“Rabbit you’re alive!” Trixie quite literally screamed, jolting a few sleepy ponies awake.

Galloping across the lawn, the unicorn mare leapt into the air and tackled Rabbit. He didn’t stand a chance. She was like a guided missile pinned Rabbit down wrapping her front hooves around his neck in a strangulating hug.

“Omigosh, I was so worried about you!” Trixie was nearly sobbing.

“Well I’m fine.” He assured before finally managing to scrape her off. When he stood though, she tackled him again for another hug.

When Trixie was finally done smothering him in friendship, he managed to separate himself laughing from the pony and they walked back over to where Princess Celestia was waiting at the edge of the wedding reception.

“It is good to see you are unharmed, Rabbit.” Celestia announced with some relief. But at the same time she was curious to know. “What happened to you? Where did Discord send you?”

Rabbit waved it off with a casual wave. “Ah, it was nothing to worry about. Got to say ‘hi’ to my mom, got to walk my dog. It was a nice break.” Rabbit chuckled as he glanced around the wedding reception wondering why everpony was partying. “So, started my welcome-back party without me, eh?”

“This is the reception for the royal wedding.” The princess clarified.

“Royal wedding, eh? Was it girly and heart-warming?” the teenager checked with some worry.

“Very.” Trixie assured. “Attack of the bug-ponies aside, of course.” She added off-handedly.

“Attack of the bug-ponies?” Rabbit chortled. “Hah! Didn’t see that one coming! At least this place didn’t get boring while I was away.” suddenly patting his pockets like he’d lost his keys, the boy snapped his fingers as he remembered something. “Oh, by the way, princess. You might wanna send some guards to get the present I left in the square out front.”

Princess Celestia frowned with some concern. “Something I should be worried about?”

“Hmmm...” Rabbit rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a moment before he waved it off casually. “Nah!”

Around the front of the palace were two ponies. Clad in the colours of the Royal Guard, the earth-pony sergeant and the Pegasus private stared confounded up at a flagpole where a peculiar flag hung twitching and cursing.

“Well ain’t that just the strangest thing?” the sergeant growled cocking his head a little.

The private had his wings spread, halfway between wondering whether to keep his distance or fly up there and take it down.

The flag swaying gently in the breeze wasn’t so much a flag, more along the lines of a demon-monkey hung from the flag-pole by the scruff of his neck. Arcs of lightning shot across his frizzy fur as he spasmed and drooled angrily, two metal diodes still firmly embedded in his skin.

All the while the taser dangled below him from the attached wires, lights blinking as it charged while it zapped the Collector in an endless loop.

“Private? Would you mind?” the sergeant pointed up at the Collector gesturing him to take the demon-monkey down.

The private scoffed. “Sorry, sarge. I ain’t touchin’ this one.”

The sergeant growled gruffly. “Son, you say that like you have a choice!”

Meanwhile back at the reception in the Canterlot gardens, Rabbit was finishing up his abridged version of what he’d been through. Though it wasn’t too abridged, as he managed to tell everypony about how he ollie’d his board onto the edge of a buffet table before flipping it into a kick-flip, using the tail of the board to bash out a gun-toting Diamond Dog... even though that didn’t actually happen. But what the hell? They didn’t know that!

“You ever hear of this Bedlam guy?” Rabbit asked as he wrapped up his tall-tale.

“Not that I can think of.” Celestia tapped her lip with a hoof as she thought for a moment before shaking her head, confirming she didn’t know the Diamond Dog. “But I will inform my guards to keep an eye out. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I assure you, he won’t get far now we know he is up to something.”

Celestia paused to think, sure she was missing something else. Suddenly remembering, she smiled and shut her eyes to focus. Golden light engulfed her horn for a moment before she conjured two items out of thin air. One was a hat. The other a climbing-axe.

Rabbit’s personal effects.

“Neat!” Rabbit exclaimed as he caught the bush-hat and axe. “I was missing these!”

“They were all that was left after Discord disappeared.” Celestia explained. “It seems he drained his powers from the climbing-axe though.”

Rabbit gave it a wave, but there was no magic to be had. “Bummer.” He chuckled tucking behind one of the bungie-cords on his backpack. And for the sake of keeping up to moderate dress code standards he refrained from pulling on his bush-hat. He instead stowed it in his pack.

“She wasn’t exactly going to let you keep chaos powered climbing-axe anyway, Rabbit.” Trixie reminded.

“You’re such a downer.”

The entire time Rabbit had stood there, not once did Trixie tear her eyes off him. She didn’t stop smiling. She couldn’t. The mare wasn’t about to let this one out of her sight again. She was just staring into his eyes, thinking: better now. Everything will be better. It was only when he looked over and met her gaze that she forced herself to blink and look away. And it didn’t happen as easily as I just described it. That was when she saw it.

A pony trying to hold up a tray of wine-glasses while stumbling across the dance floor.

“Ugh, Oversea! C’mon, what’ wrong?” she cried out at the clumsy waiter. “Sorry, Rabbit. I’ll be back in a moment.”

As she ran off to sort the waiter out, Rabbit noticed her little bowtie. “Oh, she’s part of the catering crew?”

“She was on the straight and true ‘till you showed up again.” Celestia teased.

“Yowch, princess.” Rabbit laughed.

The princess continued. “But that’s a good thing in a strange way... I see the way you look at each other. You should talk to her.”

“I know.” Rabbit breathed with a nod. “But she’s busy now.”

“You can never be that busy.” Were Celestia’s final wise words before she walked around behind Rabbit. Before leaving, she reached out with a front hoof and gave him a little encouraging nudge.

There was little more incentive needed, and Rabbit moved towards the azure pony giving one of her waiters a thrashing.

As he walked though he barely noticed another alicorn join the party. Descending from her night sky she landed with a light plof and cantered to a halt with a bright grin.

“Hello everypony. Did I miss someth-...” Spotting Rabbit in her path, Princess Luna skidded to a halt, her eyes widening severely with shock. “By my sister’s beard! Ser Rabbit? I... uh... the... um... we...”

Rabbit blinked at her stammering for a moment before holding up his hand to settle the alicorn down. “Hold that thought, princess.” he muttered before stepping past her.

After staring at him as he left, Luna quickly got a hold of herself with a vigorous shake of her head. She quickly backed into the shadows and dove over a cluster of bushes for cover before anypony else saw her, wondering if she should re-try her entrance with a bit more class.

As the princess of the night disappeared into the aforementioned night, Rabbit unslung his backpack and dropped it on an empty chair before jogging up to where Trixie had finished giving the pony ‘Oversea’ new instructions. As she watched the stoner-pony shuffle off to ‘guard the western flank’ Rabbit snuck up behind Trixie.

“Hey, Trix. Can we talk?”

Turning, Trixie grinned, but she shook her head. “I’d love to Rabbit, but I’m kind of working. Can it wait ‘till I finish?”

“Uh... I’m sure it can,” the boy sheepishly scratched the back of his head. “But... I dunno. I really need to get something off my chest.”

“Really? Okay then. What is it-...”

Rabbit barely had the chance to take a breath to begin his next line when a pony practically stepped between them.

Okay, so she didn’t step between them literally. She skirted them and interjected calmly without coming across as rude, despite how the gesture should have felt. The pony was fairly tall, about Rabbit’s height, but still nothing compared to either Princess Celestia and her sister. An alicorn like the regal sisters, she had a light cerise coat and a dark violet mane and tail offset by streaks of pale gold and rose. The cutie-mark stamped on her flank was of some kind of heart carved out of a massive diamond. Much more detail wasn’t picked up on since the human didn’t spend much time looking her over and spent more time caught on her eyes.

Holy shit. The teenager thought to himself in awe. Those eyes... that’s a lot of fuckin’ eyeliner, man. Even as the alicorn finished glancing Rabbit over and turned to Trixie, the boy was still thinking: Seriously. How does she stick it? That is soooooo much eyeliner. It’s like every eyelash is a black hole...

Meanwhile the alicorn was speaking out the corner of her mouth while eying the human suspiciously as he stared. “Miss Lulamoon? Is everything alright?”

Rabbit cleared his throat loudly as he managed to get over the whole eyeliner thing. “Hey, Miss Eyeliner?” he blurted out, immediately to his dismay. Maybe he wasn’t entirely over it. “Trying to have a conversation here.”

Surprised at how he addressed her, the alicorn pulled a confused frown. “Uhh...”

“Rabbit! That’s Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!” Trixie hissed urgently.

Rabbit only reacted with an oblivious shrug.

“The bride.” She added.

“Oh! Right!” The teenager turned back to the alicorn and tried again with: “Sorry, miss... princess-... uh, may-enamel concor-... dance? Whatever! Lady, I’m really happy for you an all, but I need to borrow Trixie for a minute. It’s kinda urgent.”

Frowning, Princess Cadence slowly leaned down closer to the azure unicorn. “Trixie, do you know this person?”

“Yes. He’s a friend.”

“He is, is he?” barely hiding how unconvinced she was, Cadence glanced between the two and smirked. But it wasn’t a snarky smirk. It was an understanding smirk. Like she understood more about what was going on between those two than even those two did. “I’m sure that’s all he is. Say, Trixie.” She added. “Why don’t you take the rest of the night off with your col-... uh... friend here.”

Trixie blinked with surprise. “Really? You’re sure?”

“Yeah, everything is under control. Enjoy the reception.” Cadence encouraged.

“Oh. Okay. Thank you, princess.”

“No problem.” Cadence giggled. “You kids have fun.” With a small nod to Rabbit she quickly turned and cantered off to meet her husband.

Letting out a sigh of relief that her comrade hadn’t unwittingly offended Princess Cadence, she looked up to Rabbit with a smile. “So, looks like we can talk now. What’s up?”

Now he actually had her full attention, Rabbit almost lost his nerve. Stuffing his hands in his pockets he tried to remember the speech he’d rehearsed while crossing the palace grounds towards the palace. It didn’t come to him. So he improvised.

“I’m feeling a truthsome right now and thought we should talk about...” he realised his lungs were running on empty at that point in his sentence and he paused for a deep breath. “D’you wanna dance?”

The azure unicorn stared at the human with a cocked head for what felt like an eternity. Rabbit shifted uncomfortably feeling her eyes burning holes in his skin. But after a while a wide smile spread over Trixie’s face and a glimmer of what could only be described as pure happiness shone in the pony’s eyes.

“Rabbit you have no idea how much I would love that.” the unicorn sighed, and the teenager let out a breath of relief.

He hadn’t been that nervous since he asked a girl to go fishing with him in the fifth grade... seriously? Fishing? What kind of guy asks a girl to go fishing with him?

Grinning, the boy nodded pretending to look like he didn’t care how she’d have answered either way. “Cool.”

“But wait a sec.” Trixie halted him before he led the way to the dance floor.

Turning to face her, Rabbit watched as her horn lit up, searing light through the evening air. The aura absorbed her body, nearly blinding the teenager. He looked away, blinking away spots in his vision before looking back when the light faded.

Standing in Trixie’s place was a teenage girl Rabbit’s age. Pale skin, sharp features with dark eyelashes and lips, her long cornflower-blue hair permed with a tell-tale crescent fringe. That girl, clad in skinny jeans and a white blouse was Trixie. Still a little taller than Rabbit though, but it wasn’t as if the teenager cared.

Rabbit smiled. Trixie smiled back. Then Rabbit actually took in her attire.

“I feel over-dressed.” He said gesturing a wave over his own formal wear.

“Hmmm.” Trixie bit her bottom lip pondering for a moment. It wasn’t as if she could conjure up and party gown since she’d drained her magic just turning into a clothed human. And party gowns didn’t exactly grow on trees-...

An idea popped into her head and she quickly indicated Rabbit to stay put before she jogged over to where Celestia and Luna were overseeing the reception. Rabbit watched as she presented herself to the regal sisters with a bow and spoke animatedly with them for a while. Celestia didn’t seem surprised seeing Trixie in human form, and glancing over to where Rabbit stood waiting with his hands in his pockets, the princess gave an understanding smile.

With a slight wave of her horn, golden light arched around Trixie’s human body, enclosing her within a cylinder of glistening gold. Rabbit found himself looking away, once again blinking away spots.

When he looked back he saw Trixie was walking back towards him. And for some reason Father Time had thought it appropriate to slow things down a little.

The air seemed to explode around the girl in a crystalline haze as the firefly lights seemed to glisten from her new radiant azure gown. It seemed to be a dress with two designs in mind, wrapped into one. Tiny little pale blue gems embedded the torso area of her dress that hugged her body comfortably, incorporating the more slinky design of the attire. Her shoulders were bare, but from her upper arms down hung gauzy, baggy sleeves that ended just above the expensive looking bracelets around her wrists. Hung delicately around her neck was a familiar gem, an oval crystal similar to the rock she had cresting her usual high-collared cape.

From the waist down was a lot like the detachable sleeves. The gown seemed to ruffle outward, but maintained an air of sleekness so she didn’t look like a walking cake. Embedded into the lower end of the dress were glistening purple and gold stars, again similar to those stamped on her usual hat and cape when she was in pony form.

Wow, was all he could think as she moved closer.

“Remind me to thank Celestia.” Rabbit said with a smirk when the cogs in his brain finally un-jammed.

Remembering the way Celestia and Luna had thanked Rabbit for services rendered, Trixie’s expression completely died. And Rabbit noticed.

“No, not the same way she thanked me for helping Luna out of her Nightmare Moon jam!” The teenager snapped. Just thinking back on how both Equestria’s princesses had quite literally orally-raped him... it brought on horrible shudders that didn’t seem to want to take a hike. “Just...” he sighed with a smile finally forcing out his actual thoughts. “You look amazing. And you don’t even need the dress.” He added... pause... aaaaand, blush when he realised what he’d said.

Trixie just giggled while Rabbit tried to take his foot out of his mouth.

“By that I... uh... I meant that... not that you should be... uh... y’know...” the boy stammered.

Silencing him by grabbing Rabbit by the arm, Trixie dragged him to the dance floor. “Just shut up and dance with me, Rabbit.”

Standing a few heads above the other ponies gathered on the dance floor, Rabbit managed to keep his cool. As Trixie stepped close to him, he took her hand in his while gently placing his other around the back of her waist. She delicately balanced her free hand on Rabbit’s shoulder and in time with the slow music they stepped. While Rabbit didn’t have the flair of a professional dancer, he at least knew roughly what he was doing. All those highschool musicals were good for something after all.

As she stepped from side to side in time with her partner, Trixie flexed her back a little and swayed with it, moving more comfortably while she was pressed up against Rabbit than when she moved at any other given time. When she was in his arms, it was like nothing else mattered. Equestria could be burning down around them, Trixie wouldn’t care. All that mattered to her was the boy who was grinning as he looked into her eyes.

“I didn’t know you could dance.” The girl whispered.

Rabbit faked a scoff. “You never did ask.”

Trixie giggled, willing to give him that point. “So. Where were we?” she continued, cocking her head lazily as she looked into her dance-partner’s eyes. “You needed to talk to me?”

“Yeah! I remember back a while when you were kicking Luna’s ass with a vengeance, and before I bravely faced Discord you said something about me being right.” Rabbit blurted out.

That made the girl shake her head vigorously with a smile. “No! I didn’t say you were right. I just said you’d heard me right.”

Rabbit cocked an unconvinced eyebrow. “I dunno! It went something like: I [something] you.” – he awkwardly increased the pitch of his voice in a sloppy attempt to mimic her theatrical voice – “It could be you ‘adore’ me, or you ‘look up to’ me like a hero or a role-model.”

Trixie laughed.“That is – as you would put it – such bullshit!”

Rabbit snorted, impressed how awesome she sounded when imitating his affinity for colourful language. “I can’t help it that you adore me so. I am incredibly awesome.”

“Rabbit...” her smile fading; Trixie paused as she wondered if she could say it. If she should say it. It had been so easy while they were laying side by side in that field outside Maneila. Why was it so hard to say with him looking in her eyes? Was she that afraid he’d reject her? “Rabbit, I-...”

“Trix, it’s okay.” The teenage boy’s voice saved her from stumbling. “You don’t have to say it out loud. I know.”

Trixie suddenly stopped moving. The music was still playing, but it seemed to mute along with the laughs of ponies having fun around them. Rabbit halted a step later and shuffled over so they weren’t standing awkwardly. Trixie was in shock, staring at the boy with astonishment. He’d never shown any sign of knowing exactly how she felt about him. How could he possibly know?

Her mind was totally blank.

“Since when?” the girl squeaked.

Rabbit looked a little sheepish, avoiding her gaze. “I think I always knew, I just... guess I didn’t know what I had ‘till it was gone... ‘till she was gone.” He corrected after a short pause. Another pause before he spoke again: “I’m sorry I never said anything, Trix.”

Ignoring him, Trixie lifted her hand from his shoulder and placed it on his face. Very slowly she angled his gaze to meet hers. And despite how Rabbit figured she should have been a little ticked off, she was grinning. A relieved kind of grin.

“And?” she asked.

“And?”

“Well, do you... uh... do you [something] me?” Trixie restated.

Feeling a smile tug at the corner of his lips, Rabbit went out on a limb. Tightening his grip around her waist, the boy held her close while stepping sideways and bowing her low until the edges of her long hair just about grazed the dance floor. Letting out a surprised squeal, still smiling, she let go of his hand and tightened her grip around his neck.

Angling his head closer, their faces were practically touching as Trixie laughed the surprise off.

“And why in Equestria wouldn’t I?” the boy asked.

“Good enough for me!” Trixie hissed as she pulled at her neck, lifting herself up a little.

Her head was angled. Their eyes fell shut as their faces moved closer and closer together. He could smell the mint of her toothpaste as she exhaled excitedly. His hastily applied deodorant from earlier that evening mingled with the magical essence of Trixie’s perfume. She could feel where his chest pressed against hers, his heart jackhammering nervously against his ribcage.

Their lips brushed-...

Record-scratch!“LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!”

They both jerked their eyes open as they looked up, abandoning their near kiss completely as they recognised the high pitched, energetic voice. Sitting in the DJ-booth was a certain pink pony known for escalating any situation into madness... a good kind of madness though.

Everypony around them busted into some strange dance or another. Some had no rhythm whatsoever, completely off tempo with the song that was playing. Others clumsily waved their hooves like they had no idea what they were at... but since everypony was having fun it didn’t matter much anyway.

Rabbit and Trixie looked at each other and shrugged. Matching the smiles beaming all around them, they straightened out and busted into an improvised salsa. Because: why the hell not!?

It was five long dances later that Rabbit could take no more. Graciously given leave while Trixie danced with Luna, the teenager managed to work his way to the edge of the dance floor and collapse into the closest chair. He was breathing hard and a few strands of his hair clung to his forehead. He barely even noticed who he’d sat down next to until they spoke up.

“Wow, Trixie got tall!”

Blinking gravely, Rabbit turned his head ever-so-slowly to the right. It was such a slow and smooth action that his neck nearly creaked like the front door of a haunted house. And there the guy sat, perfectly relaxed yet out of fucking nowhere.

“Shep?” Rabbit cried barely recognising Andrew Shepherd.

Last time he’d seen Andrew was in Ponyville. And he’d been more... well, whole! The guy looked like he’d fought into hell, overran Beelzebub’s perimeter and made the devil his bitch! His arm was in a sling. He had some bandages around what Rabbit assumed were cracked ribs, probably a shattered sternum. His hands and what was visible of his arms were bandaged up to cover up burns, cuts and grazes of all sizes and descriptions... to mention he had a busted lip would be redundant at this point.

Rabbit’s voice cracked as he cried out. “Dude, what happened to you?”

“I went head to head with queen of the alien bug-ponies.” the man answered with a careful shrug, like it’d been just another day at the office... thinking about it, it probably was.

“Shit. Did you forget your pulse rifle or something?”

“Yeah, I left it in my other pants.” Andrew responded with a slow roll of his eyes. Eventually he looked Rabbit up and down. “Nice shoes.” He noted.

“Nice bowtie.”

“Don’t snark.” Andrew warned calmly. “Bowties are cool.”

“Bush-hats are cooler.”

The older human scoffed. “You get your marefriend knocked up yet?” he suddenly blurted out completely changing the subject.

“Whoa, dude! Are you high?” Rabbit exclaimed.

In response Andrew held up his good arm to reveal an overflowing mug of something alcoholic in his hand. “Too drunk for that little thing civilised beings call tact.”

Rabbit laughed understandingly. “I don’t suppose I’m getting prettier.”

“Nope. Still an asshole though.” The man reassured.

Rabbit chuckled. “Ah, not drunk enough to forget that then.”

“Not enough alcohol in Equestria for me to forget that.” Andrew pointed out and Rabbit couldn’t help nod in agreement.

There was a break in the dance floor and several figures approached. Andrews pony friends from Ponyville joined by Trixie trotted over and sat with the two humans... well, Trixie didn’t trot, she bounced on her two legs before throwing herself into Rabbit’s lap.

“What are you guys talking about?” she asked glancing between the boys.

Rabbit opened his mouth but Andrew beat him to the punch. “Your first foal with Rabbit.” The man grinned as Rabbit scowled.

Smiling broadly, Trixie eyed the teenager. “Ooooh~, Trixie definitely likes this conversation!”

“I hate you.” Rabbit whispered sideways at Andrew.

“I know.” The other human whispered back.

“What should we call our first foal?” the humanised showmare wondered out loud, biting her lip thoughtfully.

Rabbit had an obvious answer for that one. “How about: hell no?”

“Put that one on the maybe list.” Andrew suggested.

“I’m actually liking the idea of Rabbit growing up a little.” Twilight Sparkle interjected as she took the chair beside Andrew.

Pinkie Pie exploded into existence right behind Rabbit with a flurry of confetti. “You should call your first foal Butterfingers! Because he’ll have fingers, and he can stick them in butter!”

Rabbit blinked, considering the pink pony for a moment, wondering how in the eyes of any sane sentient creature that made any shred of utter sense. Eventually, all he could mutter was: “Are you on crack?”

Rarity meanwhile put in her two cents. “Nonsense! Name your foal after Meghan, the Great!”

“How’s about ‘Low Down Dirty Thief’ after his daddy.” Applejack chortled.

Andrew nodded in satisfactory agreement. “Yeah, I like that one.”

“Captures his...” Trixie paused like a connoisseur savouring fine vintage wine as she tried to find the right words for her elaborate description. “Captures his essence, I believe.”

As they laughed at his expense, Rabbit snorted, unable to hide his own grin. “Whose side are you on?”

“Oh, don’t fret.” Trixie reassured with a smile. “Think of the fun!”

“Fun?”

“Yeah.” Smiling seductively she wrapped her arms around her coltfriend’s neck, leaning close so their foreheads were touching. Her voice lowered into a husky whisper, but was still clearly audible as the music faded between songs. “Think about how much fun we’ll have making our foal.”

Rabbit’s eyes widened when he heard that. “Whoa.”

Andrew on the other hand winced like he’d been punched in the shattered sternum. “AAAAAAAAGH! Information overload!” he leaned away desperately trying to cover his poor ears.

Think of the children!

As the evening unwound from there Rabbit made sure to take plenty of pictures. If he ever ended up being teleported home again, he didn’t want to forget. Sure his phone wasn’t the best camera, but it did the trick.

And he made doubly sure to get a photo with Trixie. Even though neither of them had said it out loud, it was officially their first night as a couple.

Close to midnight Shining Armour and Cadence took their leave, saying their good-byes, thank-you’s and delivering last minute hugs. As they watched them, Trixie and Rabbit were caught holding hands.

“Looks like my niece isn’t the only lucky mare tonight.” Celestia giggled.

Rabbit’s face reddened as Trixie laughed. “Princess!”

Quickly changing the subject, Rabbit pointed out the newly-weds’ carriage drawn by a pair of armour clad Royal Guard. “Where are they headed.”

“Honeymoon.” Celestia replied shortly. “The sun bakes sands of Eastern Equestria.” she added with a dreamy sigh.

Rabbit frowned at her. Had the princess been hitting the sauce? Regardless, the honeymoon destination sounded pretty good.

“Sun baked sands?” he asked.

Trixie gave a firm nod. “Oh, that sounds really good.”

They smiled, reading each other’s minds. Pulling at his hand, Trixie dragged Rabbit into action as the boy snatched up his backpack in passing. As the bride and groom boarded their grand chariot, Rabbit stooped by the back, giving Trixie a boost. The girl quickly stowed away in the carriage’s luggage rack before holding out a hand.

The Royal Guards reared back and galloped off with the carriage as Rabbit caught Trixie’s wrist, and he had to run a few paces before jumping on board himself.

Successfully stowing away with the newlyweds, the duo sat arm in arm in the luggage rack, waving the reception, the royal gardens, all of Canterlot farewell. They had covered all that distance, spend all that time trying to get to Canterlot... and now they really understood. They weren’t meant to settle down.

The road was their home. The call to adventure their breakfast. The treasure at the end of the dungeon was their supper. The only security they needed was each other.

As the final wedding fireworks exploded in the sky lighting up the Canterlot skyline with a plethora of colours, Trixie gasped as she remembered something. “Oh, no! Rabbit, we forgot to talk to the princess about the reward! The one for saving Luna, to compensate Nightmare Moon destroying our savings!”

“Trix, relax.” Rabbit said, much to the showmare’s surprise. “Who needs a reward? I got you.”

Trixie smiled. She couldn’t wait any more. Grabbing two handfuls of his collar, she nearly tore his head clean off his shoulders, jerking him closer for a more than willing kiss.

And finally, for the first time in months – for the first time ever, in fact – Rabbit actually got to kiss a human girl.

***[Live While We’re Young – One Direction]***

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Special guest star Andrew Shepherd from ‘Hands.’ Character(s) used with the permission of author Andrew Joshua Talon.

Interlude: Not Quite as Planned

Interlude: Not Quite as Planned.

It was in the middle of nowhere. A two story thatch roof building. The stained wood supporting the structure was part of the aesthetic design, making it look very farmhouse, or middle-age tavern. Black peat-smoke belched from the chimney, catching in the cold night breeze and billowing towards the west. Hanging out the front porch was an iron-wrought sign designating the traveller’s inn as The Green Fairy. The windows glowed warmly, and when the door creaked open to let two ponies off the road enter, a welcoming burst of heat, soft chatter and the sound of glasses scraping over table-tops escaped the building.

Set along the road leading away from Canterlot, on the foot of Foal Mountain and backed by a quaint little lakeside village, the inn was often home to passing travellers, or tourists looking to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city in the autumn months.

This is where the story begins. Our stoic hero; the one, the only, the magnificent... snort... sorry, I couldn’t do it. Not with a straight face.

Anyway. Rabbit was seated by the bar with the innkeeper watching him, and surrounded by a group of ponies.

It was only then Rabbit had really noticed the mare to stallion ratio in Equestria was massively weighty on the mare end of the scale. The inn surrounded by a womb of farmland in a valley pretty far off the beaten track was practically a singles bar. The only stallions were a pair of rickety old ponies in the corner smoking their pipes. Rabbit being a human didn’t count, and he was pretty sure that if he were a pony he’d be the only legitimate stallion available. For the crowd filling the inn that night anyway. Hell, even the pony behind the bar was a mare.

The mares seemed to range around Trixie’s age – likely in their late teens. They were ponies after all – a kaleidoscope of colours splayed throughout the dull drab interior of the inn. Normally speaking a place like that would never attract young women in Rabbit’s universe; they’d all be hitting the hip-bars or flirting with the bouncers to get into the nightclubs. However, this being the only social-gathering place for miles, Rabbit doubted the local mares had any other choice.

But it begged the question where the legitimate young country stallions were. Were they all at home because their mothers wouldn’t let them out? Were there any to begin with, or had they all moved into the city?

All very interesting social and economic questions... none of which Rabbit actually cared about. He wasn’t about to let his brain go off on a curious tangent, so he simply took note of the odd amount of young female ponies filling the inn and put it out of his mind. There were more important issues afoot.

“Not a chance in Tartarus!” one Pegasus mare with a swallow stamped square on her pink flank squealed. “You’re insane to even try!” she expounded at the confident looking teenager.

“One go?” one of her four friends asked, just to be sure. The earth-pony gave her head a disbelieving toss, letting her bright red ponytail (ugh) flip across her back. “No, you couldn’t.”

Rabbit gave an assuring chuckle. “One go.” He said with a nod.

“No way! That’s not possible.”

“Oh yeah?” scraping his shot-glass off the bar, Rabbit held it high between his thumb and index-finger for the mares to see the green tinted, watery liquid. “Bet you a bit each that I can!”

“Alright, you little smart-flank!” one of the groups pushier looking mares challenged in a holier-than-thou tone of voice. “Go for it then!”

Rabbit snickered... then knocked it back. His throat was open like his mouth and the liquid just rolled back, barely settling on the base of his tongue. It burned like fire... no-no, it was more like fucking acid, corroding its way all the way down his gullet before the teenager gulped loudly and held out his arms victoriously. Completely unfazed.

The mares stared a little wide eyed, completely stunned. Downing a shot of Verte Fairy’s hardest home-brewed absinthe in one go would have floored the toughest of stallions. Clearly this human thing was as tough as the princesses... hmmm, being as tough as a princess sounds like an oxymoron to me.

“The fairy is my bitch!” Rabbit exclaimed as he threw down the glass. It shattered upon impact with the ground causing the ponies to jump back, intrigued yet shocked. “Another!”

“You’re gonna pay for that.” came the gruff voice of the butch looking innkeeper. Verte Fairy was certainly not a mare to be fucked with, standing about as tall as Rabbit, but as wide as a bull. “And that’s a bit for the swear-jar too.” She reminded pointing to a cracked jar on the bar top clearly labelled ‘swear-jar.’ It looked like it had seen better days though, only a pair of bits resting in the dusty bottom and cobwebs forming over the top opening. Rabbit had been hanging around for three hours, so three guesses as to who those two bits belonged to.

Rabbit cocked an eyebrow at it before glancing to his entourage. “Uh... right. Pay up, ladies.”

There were various huffs and disgruntled mutters. Clearly none of the ponies expected gentlemen to call them on their bets. Then again, Rabbit wasn’t exactly a gentleman, was he? The mares produced a bit each and threw it down on the bar between the human and the unicorn seated beside him before they shuffled away casting him dirty looks.

Chuckling, the azure pony reached over and slid the innkeeper a bit for the glass, then levitated a second into the swear jar. The rest she tucked into a coin-purse under her star-spangled cape.

Trixie was smiling as she eyed her woozy looking coltfriend the whole time. “Are you alright?” she asked Rabbit.

Blinking hard a few times, Rabbit gave the Great and Powerful Trixie a smile. “Yeah, of course I a-...” he interrupted himself by trying to rest his elbow on the bar and his head in his hand.

His head completely missed his hand, nearly faceplanting himself into the surface of the bar. To make it worse, he’d tried to lean to his right while the bar was actually on his left. The result... Rabbit smacked into the ground with a distinct thud. Realising he’d gotten his comeuppance, the mares across the inn laughed while the human scrambled back up trying to look suave.

Trixie giggled into her hooves at the sight of Rabbit smoothing out his black sleeves.

“I’m cool! I’m cool.” Rabbit assured everybody as he shook off the dizziness the shot of absinthe had left him.

His girlfriend... marefrie-... no, that doesn’t sound right. Just girlfriend. She chuckled at his pathetic attempt to look smooth. As the boy looked over to the far end of the room, Trixie let a sneaky smirk play at her mouth. She figured she may as well screw with Rabbit while he was tipsy. And she knew exactly how she’d do that.

As Rabbit was looking away she’d transform into her human form and freak him out as he turned back. It wasn’t exactly an imaginative prank, but while in human form she might entice him to join her upstairs so they could wrap up the day.

She shut her eyes and focused. She’d pretty much memorised the spell at this stage. It was still tricky though and took every ounce of energy and focus. But she wasn’t expecting to be doing much strenuous activity tonight anyway... or was she...? Hmmm. No, this story is rated teen, so I’m obliged to say, no she won’t.

Slivers of light sprawled like a constantly expanding spiderweb across her body. They thickened with each pulse, each strand engulfing more and more of Trixie’s body before her whole form was consumed in the light...

“Hey, Trix. I wonder what-...”

“Huh?” Trixie distractedly jerked her eyes open.

Her shell of light fractured. The spell failed and exploded... exploded!

Shards of glasslike energy scattered outward, engulfing both the human and the unicorn in a blaze of magic. but as harmful as it sounded, the energy harmlessly wavered over their bodies before evaporating into brightly coloured pixels that extinguished shortly after birth.

Blinking hard a few times, Trixie found herself flat on her back, forelegs pulled up under her chin. She was staring stunned up at Verte Fairy who leaned over her bar.

“Would you mind not doing that?” the innkeeper rasped gruffly.

Trixie gave a broad apologetic grin before huffing while she rolled to her feet. Standing a little drunkenly, she quickly let her eyes dart from side to side in an attempt to spot her coltfriend. She couldn’t see him. It was like he had vanished completely. All she saw were ponies in the room. No human to be seen.

“Rabbit?” she called, a twinge of panic rising in her chest. Had he been blown out a window... or out of the universe completely? “Rabbit!?”

“Yeah.” Came the teenager’s familiar voice.

But it wasn’t from a human. It came from the pony standing directly in front of Trixie. And then it hit her. Before there hadn’t been any eligible stallions in The Green Fairy. And out of nowhere, the stallion had appeared.

A sturdy jaw, a fairly averagely built earth-pony with an even yellow coat. His mane and tail were tousled and messy, a very dark purplish blue colour.

That cute looking stallion was Rabbit! She almost missed it completely, but when she looked into his eyes she instantly recognised her own coltfriend.

Having said that though, the main things she should have picked up on were his bush-hat perched over his tousled mane as well as the majority of his clothing. Snugly fitted black sleeves hugged his forelegs, down to his un-trimmed fetlocks, with his olive green t-shirt covering the top half of his body. His rear legs and flanks remained exposed revealing his cutie mark... a bush-hat. A pictogram of the exact same hat perched on his head.

Rabbit’s eyes were drooping lazily as his mouth squiggled into an odd little smile. More than anything, he looked like he wasn’t even realising he had transformed into a pony, despite the fact he was swaying from side to side, stumbling over his own four hooves.

“Rabbit!” Trixie was left for words. What the hell had she just done? She’d accidentally turned her coltfriend into an actual colt... well, young stallion actually. But still!

“Wooo! Hey, Trix!” Rabbit whooped drunkenly. “I may have had a little too many!” his voice slipped into an incoherent slur as it seemed he was describing the sensation with very little success.

Trixie worriedly clicked her tongue. “Your metabolism skipped a track thanks to the magic. That’s not alcohol drunk. Worse. Your magic-drunk.” She explained.

And then she wondered why the hell she’d bothered. There was no way Rabbit knew what the hell she was talking about. He probably didn’t even notice he’d turned into a pony, despite he was falling over his hooves.

“Alright! Now dis’sh party c’n sh’tarted get!”

“No, being magic-drunk means you’re going to be like an over-energised puppy who’s chased a gallon of butter-beer with two gallons of tequila! The party over is... is over!” – in her brief moment of grammatical confusion, Rabbit managed to slip away, stumbling across the inn tripping over his own hooves – “Dammit! Rabbit!”

Rabbit had made it beyond Trixie’s reach and docked with the bar.

“Hey, gruff lady pony thing. I’m drink sho sherve me ‘n drunk.” Rabbit slurred as he nearly tripped over the stool and embedded his face in the bar.

Where he still a human the innkeeper would have straight up left a hoof-print in Rabbit’s face. But seeing the cute young stallion, her gruff disposition changed like a switch had been thrown.

“Well, of course, handsome!” Verte Fairy gave a jolly smile, beaming as she poured a glass of her finest and slid it in front of the magic-drunk stallion. “This one’s on the house!”

“What a nice lady.” Rabbit stated with a goofy grin before he looked back and noted something. “Oh hey! Check’t a cutesey mark!” Rabbit giggled as he stumbled in a circle like a dog chasing his tail trying to get a good look at his new bit of ink. “A hat? Wond’r what my spesh’l talent is. Maybe it’s wear’n shtuffs ‘n me head!”

Trixie galloped over to pin the stallion down again, but he was already on the move again. Stumbling off, he started drawing more attention to himself. The old-timers were so engrossed in their pipes, they didn’t care. But the mares. Their eyes were soon drawn to the young and eligible looking stallion and his antics.

“Hey, where’d this stallion come from?” one mare asked.

Her friend shrugged, but cocked her head and grinned a little as she watched Rabbit. “I don’t care. He’s pretty cute.”

“Drunk though.” A third commented, seemingly repulsed. It only lasted a second though as she giggled while nudging her friend. “Oh heck, he’s still cute.” The other mares joined in the giggle.

Meanwhile Rabbit had crossed the inn and snatched up a decorative vase from one of the empty tables. It was a simple glass piece half filled with water and with a wilting daisy bent over the brim. Rabbit didn’t seem to inspect it for particularly long before he perched the thing on his head and attempted to keep it there. It didn’t prove easy, the vase tipping from side to side, and the stallion quickly shifted his whole body to stay under it, keeping it balanced.

“Haha! Check’t out!” Rabbit cried, managing to eventually find a near-perfect balance. Still wobbling though, his own drunken sways proved to help him in keeping the vase in place. “Ah sh’d be ‘n th’ shircush! Ah w’nder whut elshe I c’n wear ‘s a hat!”

Staring at his feat of inebriated dexterity, Trixie had to admit that looked pretty cute, and struggled to stifle her laughter in her cape. However, her soon laugh died a cold and hard death in her throat as she saw a slender shadow flit towards her goofy coltfriend.

“Maybe your special talent is wearing anything as a hat.” A smoky voice suggested.

It completely surprised Rabbit and he stiffened, letting the vase fall. Be it dumb luck or a little mercy from the Gods, the glass didn’t shatter on impact. Instead it just struck the wooden floor without even bouncing, spilling the water and the now definitely dead daisy at his hooves.

Turning to the source of the voice, Rabbit found he was looking at a unicorn. Her mane and coat sparkled in the dim lighting of the tavern. Her presence was impossible to ignore, especially with that grand, slender stature!

It took the magic-drunk stallion a moment to recognise the grand example of unicorn-kind. The snobby tone was gone from her voice. The uptight looking bun her mane was gathered into had been shaken loose, letting her cherry-blossom hair cascade in seductive waves down her slender neck. Her horn-brimmed glasses were missing. She actually smiled.

The holier-than-thou sounding mare who had initially challenged Rabbit’s chugging of absinthe had completely transformed in just a matter of seconds. She’d turned from a strict looking bitchy-type into a fun-looking hotty... aherm. By pony standards, of course.

“What about wearing somepony as a hat?” she continued to say. “Think you could do that too?” she sounded kind and inquisitive, but there was something of a challenging undertone in her voice though.

It was a stupid suggestion to be sure... but Rabbit didn’t know that in his state. It only took a few moments of consideration before the stallion went through with it.

“Cool! Letsh check!”

Before the unicorn mare even knew what was happening, Rabbit had ducked down and slipped his head under her chest. With a single heave the mare found herself balancing on the stallion’s back, crying out with delighted surprise. With her forelegs wrapped around his neck, the unicorn held on laughing while Rabbit’ struggled to stay on his hooves. His legs were literally shaking, struggling to stay balanced and hold her up.

Eventually he just buckled. They both hit the ground with a distinct thud. Rabbit landed flat on his back, and the mare – despite already being upright and in a perfect position to catch herself – conveniently landed on top of him.

“Eh’kay, maybe ah’ll draw th’ line at wear’n’ poniesh.” Rabbit slurred out between laughter. “Ah’m sh’rry I dropped sh‘ye, ma’m.”

The unicorn was joined in as recovered from the ‘fall,’ slumped strategically on top of the giddy stallion. Her eyes were narrowed as she moved her face over his. “Don’t you worry about it.” she cooed. “I don’t mind.” She added in a husky whisper, moving closer and closer-...

Without warning an azure bolt of lightning stabbed the cherry-blossom mane unicorn in the side. Her hair frizzed instantly as the jolt launched her sideways and face down into the ground. Rabbit kicked his forelegs into the air as he burst out laughing at the sight of the unicorn now sporting a statically charged afro.

“Get the heck away from him!” Trixie screamed, bolting across the tavern at full tilt. She skidded to a halt, her horn glowing threateningly at the other mares who’d uncomfortably backed off after seeing their friend get zapped. “Back up!”

Through all of this happening, both Trixie and Rabbit had forgotten completely about the newly-weds. Both Captain Shining Armour and Princess Cadence had retreated to their room early that evening, and this being their first honeymoon night Rabbit had of course made a comment about them not actually going upstairs to sleep.

Though it seemed they really had gone to sleep early, because Shining Armour descended the steps towards the commotion not so much energetic or proud looking, but disgruntled and groggy. He had a bed-head and tired bags under his eyes as if the noise downstairs had denied him a week’s rest.

Halting about halfway down the steps, the captain scanned the inn.“Hey, what’s all the commotion down he-...”

“Everypony back the heck up!” Trixie was yelling at the top of her lungs as the angry crowd of mares figured the showmare was hogging the only eligible stallion for miles. They were literally circling trying to get past her, and Trixie was zapping the ground at their hooves, having none of it. “He’s the Great and Powerful Trixie’s coltfriend! And Trixie’s gonna sleep with him!”

Shining Armour’s eyes popped before he blinked at the scene several dozen times in just a few seconds.“You know what? I’m sorry I asked. G’night, everypony.” He turned about-face in a militaristic fashion, before stiffly – and awkwardly – trotting back to his room.

***[]***

Rabbit groaned as he opened his eyes. White light blinded him and he was forced to blink it off. The sensation was all too familiar. His stomach was empty, but he had the urge to vomit. Every tiniest sound, the subtle creak of the bed, the caw of a crow outside, every miniscule little sound-wave was grating in his ears. His head was pounding. Complete lapse of memory filled him with terror.

“Yup.” He whispered to himself, rubbing his head as he struggled to take in the state of the inn’s guestroom. “I was definitely drunk last night.”

There was a pony in his bed, a horrid pounding in his head. Empty bottles spelling out his doom, some stripper-looking clothes draped all over the room. He smelled like a mini-bar...

A horrid throbbing on his neck derailed Rabbit’s train of thought. Slapping his hand over a tender patch of skin, he had to wonder if that was a hickey or a bruise.

“Uuuuuuugh...” Rabbit slapped his hands over his eyes and let his head fall back on the pillow while the pony laying tangled in the sheets beside him woke up. “The Great and Powerful Rabbit has a great and fucking powerful hangover.”

That made Trixie giggle as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes with her forehooves. “Good morning to you too.”

“Ain’t nuthin’ good ‘bout it.” the teenager slurred in the after effect of last-nights drunken adventure.

Memories were coming back, but not everything was coherent. It was like his memory was a mirror... a mirror that had been shattered into a billion little pieces by a steel folding chair wielded by Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson – for some strange reason that escapes all coherent explanation – who then proceeded to lay some serious smack-down on each individual shard.

The analogy on his shattered memory made about as much sense as the memories flooding back to the human.

Rubbing his eye, Rabbit flashed his girlfriend a grin. “I had the weirdest dream last night.” He mumbled through nasty aftertaste of stale alcohol.

“Really? Do tell.” Trixie smiled enthusiastically, shuffling closer wanting to hear all about it.

“You were there.” Rabbit started. “And I turned into a pony. And every mare in the inn was trying to molest me or something. And then we...” he paused, his bleary eyes widening at that part. “Uh... am.” He stopped, looking down at the sheets tangled around his body. “Am I naked?”

Trixie smiled. Some of that could have been a dream. But not everything...

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.
Based on a real dream. I should really give this pony-thing a break before my sanity breaks... oops, too late.

No Frills, Just Rabbit

The Crystal Empire Royal Treasury was deathly silent in the midnight hours… but only for so long as a figure came crashing down through the skylight. The shards of broken glass clattered among the piles of gold, silver and chests of other riches as the falling figure snagged.

Tangled up in a length of rope suspended somewhere above, Rabbit helplessly rocked back and forth, completely immobile and upside down.

“Yup! You were right!” he called up to his partner in crime. “This was a bad idea. You may as well pull me back up, Trix!”

Rabbit struggled a little and found out the hard way he was very much stuck. “And find some scissors!”

The only way this could get worse is if he got caught…

“Hello, Rabbit,” a voice said. And as much as Rabbit wanted it to be, it was not the voice of Murphy.

Slowly rotating on the spot, Rabbit found himself dangling at eye height with the princess of eyeliner herself, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.

“Ah! Hey, Princess Cadance. How’s it hanging?” The way he looked between her and the rope it was almost as if he were egging her on, saying; “get it? Hanging? Get it?”

“Are you robbing the Crystal Empire Treasury?” Cadance asked pointedly.

Rabbit answered without missing a beat. “I’ll tell you what I’m not doing. I’m not robbing the Crystal Empire Treasury.”

“Is that so?”

“Of course. If I were robbing the Crystal Empire Treasury you wouldn’t have caught me.”

“Mmmm-hmmmm.”

“This is merely a, uh… a test in security, yes! That’s it! I was just making sure your riches and wealth were totally secure as a favour to you, because we’re such good buddies, old pals, you and I.” He chuckled sheepishly into the alicorn’s un-amused expression.

Staring awkwardly at the princess, Rabbit felt the sweat drip from his collar. And the blood rushing to his head wasn’t helping in the slightest. He was pretty sure Cadance wasn’t buying the ‘not robbing the Crystal Empire’ thing. Cadance was no dunski, Rabbit had to credit her for that.

“Are, uh… are you still pissed at me because of that honeymoon thing?” Rabbit asked, changing the subject as quickly as possible. But judging by her suddenly heated expression he’d changed the subject the wrong direction.

“Thing?” Cadance scoffed offended. “Rabbit, you robbed the hotel Shining and I were staying at.”

“So the price of your stay went up a little. You’re royalty! What do you care?”

“You also burned down the honeymoon suite!” Cadance shouted nearly hysterical now.

“That was not my fault! It was management’s own damn fault for installing sub-par wiring. Besides, you still had a great honeymoon! Wasn’t the tent on the beach romantic?”

“How did you know we were in a tent on the beach?”

“Yeah, I may have sold that tent to the Flim Flam Brothers before they sold it to you.”

Cadance nodded, suddenly calm and understanding. “Oh, that’s good. Great. That explains plenty. No wonder it was LEAKY!”

“I think I’m sensing just a little hostility in your voice there.”

Judging by her expression Rabbit was pretty sure Cadence was on the verge of yelling “OFF WITH HIS HEAD!”

His life practically flashing before his eyes, Rabbit gulped audibly and struggled in his tangled web, only succeeding in tangling himself a little more.

“Oh for… Trix! What’s taking so long!? Pull me up!”

Author's Note

Gonna try and churn out another chapter of VsE. Fingers crossed I can see the next chapter through.

Interval 1.1: Thick as Thieves

Once upon a time…

There was a land of perfection.

Imagine, if you will, this land of perfect harmony. There is no war. There is no strife. There is no disease, murder or crime. There is only the harmony of friendship, magic, happy rainbows and pretty princesses. There is only adventure and new discoveries to be had behind ever tree, under every rock and over every mountain. Imagine the castles of crystal, the clean city streets where everyone prospers. There is no racism, there is no bigotry, there is no discrimination of any kind. Just the warm welcoming arms of this land inviting you in.

This land of perfect harmony, known as Equestria.

And now imagine the human race wants a piece of that...

I guess it’s like that rule of the internet says. The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it… ;D

PseudoFiction presents…

A non-canon My Little Pony: FiM, HiE-fanfiction

My Little Pony:

Versus Equestria

[The Road to Canterlot]

Interval 1.1: Thick as Thieves

The world seemed to sway and bob through the pitch blackness that surrounded everything. The summer sun – unseen somewhere above all that ink – was hot, and burned the skin on his neck while his head simply lolled lazily from side to side with the sway of the carriage. The groan of metal and wood over stone as the wheels rumbled onward through murky unconsciousness was enough to tell him he wasn’t dead.

Or perhaps he was dead, and this was either a pointlessly pleasing purgatory, or a really weird form of torture.

Actually, no. Months prior to the events I am describing our protagonist had decided that he wasn’t dead. His situation had too much of a point to be purgatory, too pleasant to feel like an afterlife.

Birds chirped high from the treetops where the wind whistled through the branches. The crickets chirped and sang their songs from the roadside. The horse-flies buzzed noisily around his head. This wasn’t the highway to hell. He had always imagined there would be more rock and roll music anyway.

His caribou of thought was de-railed by one of the horse-flies landing on his neck. It tickled at first, trampling around on the skin to find a suitable place, then sank its fangs deep into his flesh, a stinging jolt drawing a yelp from the boy’s lips. Instant sobriety without the need for coffee and hash-browns was attained. A hand swatted for the fly, but the bastard was long gone, leaving a dull, itchy throbbing on his neck.

He found himself where he had fallen asleep, sitting against the back ledge of the bow-top wagon. Sitting on the rear-most ramp of the wooden carriage, his legs dangling over the edge of the flat bed and his knapsack laying in a heap beside him. The first thing he did was lift his hat a little as he blinked away as much of the afternoon-nap-grogginess he could manage. There was a foul, thick taste in his mouth, and the sudden light in his eyes had something of a blueish sha-… wait, why am I describing this to you? You ought to know what it’s like waking from a mid-afternoon-nap.

The cart rocked through a pothole – waking him properly as he took in the open fields and rolling hills slowly sauntering past on either side of the narrow dirt-track.

It was something out of a fairy-tale, or a children’s cartoon. The technicolour grass, the clear blue sky with a few perfect white cumulus clouds hanging completely stationary. The fields dappled with various flowers, and the smiling insects humming to themselves as they hovered among the flora. Every so often a thick trunked tree with a rounded bushy top would slide by, standing healthy and impossibly steadfast. There was a perfectly semi-circular rainbow on the horizon, one end disappearing behind a tall range of mountains. From one such mountain hung a distinct structure. Although, to simply call it a structure was unbefitting.

It was a collection of walkways, winding rivers and waterfalls cutting between bridges and structures. It was a maze of spires, at the very centre a grand palace that stretched up high over all the lush and peaceful land that surrounded it.

Canterlot, the very centre-point of Equestria hung from that mountain in the distance. The capitol of Equestria. That was his target.

So while our protagonist stretches to regain feeling in his toes, let me introduce you to his gear. Oh, you don’t want to know about him, our main-man is fucking awesome, ain’t much more to tell.

Let’s start from the ground up. His white and blue trainers in all their scuffed and ragged glory were laced up tight to his feet. The frayed hole in the left knee of his black cargo trousers was mended over by some lighter grey patches, haphazardly taped and stitched into position, said patchwork having a bit of a raunchy story to it… mmmmaybe a story for another day though. Since Equestria had been bathed in permanent summer since his arrival, he had stuffed his coat into his rucksack and was left wearing a khaki shirt with long white sleeves. Finally, perched comfortably on his head was an olive green bush-hat, something he’d bought after arriving in Equestria to keep the sun and rain off his head.

His backpack was a simple canvas sack with a flap folded over the main compartment. It was stuffed with pretty much everything he needed to survive for extended transit between towns and cities. On the smallest outer pocket there was a trusted climbing axe, the jagged pick tucked into the pouch and the elegantly curved shaft sticking out to one side, the wrist-tether hanging loosely at the end of the rubberized hilt. Best purchase since he’d arrived in Equestria.

Sliding forward, the human teenager dropped from the back of the cart, landing with a thud. Quickly turning and stumbling to catch up with his own momentum, he snatched up the backpack, shouldering both straps as he jogged around the right flank. His boots thudded into the grass verge as he caught up with his travelling companion who was tethered to the carriage and single handedly, without breaking a sweat pulling it along. She drew it forth without missing a beat, up and over hills, through mud and even over deep trenches cut across the road for drainage. Like the wagon weighed nothing.

“Trixie.” The boy greeted.

The pony lifted her gaze and grinned. “Rabbit.”

Okay, don’t laugh, but ‘Rabbit’ as not his real name. It was a fitting nickname that goes back to his arrival to Equestria. I’ll get to it later, I promise. Back to his travelling companion…

Trixie wasn’t exactly what you could call… a woman, so to speak. Trixie was a member of the ‘dominant’ species in Equestria. She was a pony. A unicorn, to be precise, one of three sub-species of pastel coloured, intelligent four-legged beings. The other types of ponies included pegasi, winged ponies, and the hardy earth-ponies, equines with nothing peculiar about them… apart from the obvious fact they were cute and cartoony critters with pastel hair colour could talk and could express all the rational thought previously thought only humans could utilise… pfhew… lemme catch my breath.

Unicorns in particular had alicorns able to draw upon the mysterious power known universally as ‘magic.’ And this magic wasn’t the two-bit David Blaine trap-door, Chris Angel Mindfreak smoke and mirrors horse-shit (Sorry, pun not intended). This magic was the real deal. I’m talking ‘poof-motherfucker now you’re a chicken’ magic.

The average pony stood quite tall, their nose reaching up to an average lanky teenager’s chest. Yes, you guessed it, said average lanky teenager was Rabbit. Ten points to you. The only exceptions had been either uncharacteristically tall ponies, or really buff ones. Trixie was only taller than Rabbit if you counted her massive pointed wizard’s hat, a deep purple item with multi-coloured stars printed over the rigid fabric.

‘The Great and Powerful’ Trixie was a master illusionist. Most unicorns would use their magic to conjure items of comfort, or help them perform day to day tasks. Not Trixie. This light azure pony with a pale cornflower blue mane used her magic to create shows of glittering images and flashing lights. It wasn’t ‘real’ magic, but it was the style of magic Rabbit was most familiar with.

Trixie could have done anything with her life really. Attractive for a pony – hey, don’t look at me like that – she had a slender, almost lanky frame, and kept her mane in tip-top condition all the time. Her high-collared cape was wrapped around her shoulders, the cloak itself draped over her back and flanks, with the clasp hidden underneath a massive oval shaped diamond – fake, apparently. Trixie was a show-pony through and through. She knew how to entertain crowds, keep fillies dazzled with a show of pretty lights, and entice colts with the right flash of her skinny little flank. And for reference, flank translates directly into ‘ass’ for you human readers out there. It took Rabbit days to figure that one out… in fact, you may laugh now, but it took him even longer to figure out what made Trixie so enticing to young stallions. Apparently she was shaped just the right way that screamed ‘Sex’ in every male pony’s face.

Not only a pleasure to look at, Trixie was pretty clever too. She invented new tricks and illusions all the time, and always had something new to bring to the entertainment business.

She had a bit of a dual personality going on though. On the one hand she had her stage-personality, brash, confident and theatrical, a pony after Rabbit’s own heart. And then there was her off-stage-personality. Plain, kind and yearning for company.

“Sleep alright?” Trixie asked in her ‘indoor’ voice.

The human chuckled, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. “Trix, is that concern in your tone?”

The pony smiled and shrugged. “I brought you into this world, you’re my responsibility. Besides, I have a strong sense of responsibility over my number one assistant.” She added in a blasé tone.

Rabbit scoffed. “Assistant? Hey, I’m the brains of this outfit.”

“Hah!” Trixie gave a theatrical laugh, pausing in her step to touch up her mane’s ‘magnificent’ crescent fringe. “You may have the plan, but The Great and Powerful Trixie is the one who executes the plot with dazzling efficacy. But would that really surprise you, m’dear? You have the charisma of a rabid Diamond Dog.”

Rabbit doubled over and gave a long and hard – and very much over the top, might I add – fake laugh… and then he suddenly stopped with a deadpan expression on his face. “I have no idea what charisma means.”

Before I go on, let me explain how Rabbit ended up in Equestria. The thing about that is… your guess is as good as mine.

Almost two months ago, when Trixie was performing one of her shows in Stalliongrad, she had intended to pull a rabbit from her hat. Instead, she opened up a rift in time and space, and pulled a dazed and confused human out of that hat. One minute a simple and oblivious teenager is sitting in his bedroom playing Halo on Xbox Live, the next thing he knows he’s face down, eating Equestria dirt. Shit happens… apparently.

I don’t know what irony is, but I’m pretty sure his resulting nickname ‘Rabbit’ comes pretty fucking close.

Anyhow, the two of them had been thick as thieves ever since. They each had a particular set of skills that could benefit from each other, and after forging an alliance and buffing out some careful plans they had set out to take Equestria by storm. Staliongrad, Neighstad, Manehattan, they could hire all the security they wanted. They could have a big Equestrian Security cake-walk right through the middle of Trottingham Square, and it wouldn’t make a lick of difference. Trixie and Rabbit were coming to your town, and they were going to burn that motherfucker down!

Err… metaphorically speaking, of course. Burn the town down, pain the town red… none of these phrases are meant to be taken literally.

“… and that is why Trixie is the greatest pony who ever lived!” the pony said in her stage-voice, a tone laced with sophistication and theatrical style.

Rabbit grumbled when he realised he had no intelligent argument to counter a statement such as; ‘I am awesome, simply because I am.’ without reverting to simply saying, ‘no you’re not.’ Remember when I said Rabbit was awesome? Well Trixie was awesome enough to mop the floor with him. Now let’s mix the exercise up a little by replacing the word awesome with egotistic.

Seriously. Trixie reminded Rabbit so much of himself, sometimes it was downright fucking terrifying.

Reverting back to her normal ‘off-stage’ demeanour, Trixie giggled at the expression on her ‘assistant’s face. “Don’t look so glum, Rabbit. We got a good thing going. Who cares if you’re number two?”

Rabbit grumbled again, drawing another giggle from the azure illusionist.

The bantering duo eventually reached a fork in the road and paused to get their bearings. There was a simple pole sticking out of the dirt in front of us, with two small signs nailed to it pointing in opposite directions. One pointed to the left, indicating the direction to travel for ‘Maneila,’ the path cutting into the thick forest stretching off towards the west. The other sign pointed to ‘Ponyville.’

Ponyville had a path that cut straight through the countryside directly in the direction of Canterlot. Maneila however skirted around to the left, curling away from the centre of Equestria. Rabbit glanced between the two paths and reached back. He pulled a square of folded paper from his back pocket and opened out a small map of Equestria. He had pieced it together through careful diplomacy and a skilled eye to go with his artistic flair.

In other words, Trixie – being a native – helped… a little bit.

Marked on his map were dots representing cities and towns along with the names. The map also revealed a train line running from Ponyville, straight to Canterlot. Cutting through Ponyville was the most direct route.

Maneila on the other hand provided something of a detour.

“We could head straight to Canterlot. Hit up Ponyville with a show, stock up and move straight through to the capitol.” Rabbit suggested, looking at the time conserving route.

Glancing to his companion, Rabbit noticed Trixie was cringing at the sound of Ponyville. Merely looking at the sign was making her take an uncomfortable step towards the Maneila path.

“You okay?”

“Yes! Yeah, I’m fine.” Trixie nodded extremely vigorously, almost throwing off her hat. “I was just thinking, Ponyville is such small-fry. Maneila is bigger, and full of gullible foals. That would be a better target. Then we can just skirt by Ponyville, straight up to Canterlot.” She sounded as if she was desperate to give Ponyville a wide berth.

The human stared at his companion for a while, then looked towards the Ponyville road. “You know Equestria best.” he reasoned with a shrug. “Maneila it is.” Trixie had taken care of him thus far. Rabbit trusted her to make the right call without question.

Smiling with a hint of relief, the azure pony led the way towards Maneila. Rabbit followed closely, casting one more furtive glance to Canterlot before the trees blocked his view.

***[]***

“Gather one, gather all! Come and see, come and see! The Great and Powerful Trixie is in your presence, the greatest pony in all of Equestria!” the bow top of the wagon sprang open to reveal a sparkling backdrop as the side of the carriage folded out into an impressive looking stage. With a sway in her step, Trixie swayed her way out onto her mobile stage, fireworks shooting in her wake and streamers spraying across the Maneila town square. “Watch in awe. Be amazed. Weep with joy and cry with happiness as you are witness to the awesome that is the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

Ponies, male, female, big and small gathered from all trots of life. They filed in from the market, left their homes and moved in close. They abandoned their jobs to see. To see the greatest showmare in all of Equestria.

Hypnotized by the dazzling lasers and flashing lights shooting this away and that, they were in a trance, completely under Trixie’s spell. So much so, they didn’t notice the wag of her hips coupled with a suggestive wink to the human taking cover in some nearby bushes.

So earlier on in our story you heard Trixie mention that she and Rabbit had – and I quote: ‘a good thing going.’

What did this mean? We’ll you’re about to find out.

The show went on and Rabbit set to work. Trixie held the Equestria record for keeping a crowd’s attention. But Rabbit didn’t like risk. So time was always of the essence.

He made a mad-dash on his tip-toes from the forest lining the edge of town. Unseen the human slipped around the back of the crowd watching Trixie and disappeared further into Maneilla’s cobbled streets. His backpack was missing, but he had replaced his survival gear with an empty messenger bag resting on his hip, the strap strung across his torso. A bag that would not be remaining empty for very long.

Trixie had drawn the whole town to her show in a matter of moments with her old ‘razzle-dazzle’ routine. That left lots of empty streets and empty homes for Rabbit to get lost in. One of the emptiest points was the market. And one particularly empty apple stall took his fancy.

He cleared the distance between him and it and slid into cover behind the market stall. The pony who owned this particular business was quite typical, leaving his apples and money for all to see… and take.

Without questioning the morality of his actions, Rabbit made like his Skyrim avatar and snatched the purse laying on a shelf to the back of the stall and emptied the contents onto the countertop. Twenty small, circular unmarked golden coins rattled noisily onto the wood before him, glinting in the summer light. Thinking twice and acting once, Rabbit counted out four bits and slid them into his bag.

Putting the rest of the money back, he then carefully returned the purse. Then before departing into the shadows, he quickly reached back and plucked up one of the many juicy looking apples that piled the stall.

There was no such thing as thievery in Equestria. Everypony was honest and hardworking… and also gullible, trusting and innocent. Rabbit was willing and able to take advantage of this.

Though having said that, the boy wasn’t a complete scumbag. He did have a sense of honour. A moral code, so to speak. Thievery was, after all, a gentleman’s game. There were two vital rules that separated Rabbit from common scumbags and thugs. ‘Never steal from those who cannot afford it’ and ‘when you steal, only what they will not miss.’

Hanging over the balcony of her home, a luminescent yellow mare clapped her hooves and whooped as Trixie broke into her classic cinematic Ursa Major story, a tale of how she vanquished a great demonic bear from the stars. Of course, there were flashing lights and plenty of vibrant explosions to keep everypony entranced. The lights and noise were enough to cover Rabbit as he opened a window somewhere behind the yellow mare and quietly slipped into her home.

Landing on the balls of his feet, he quickly crouched low to minimise his silhouette, then tiptoed across the room right behind the entranced Pegasus. The first thing he found was the pantry, which he quickly pulled open before piling some tinned tomatoes, a pair of carrots and a flower of broccoli into his bag of treats.

Quietly, Rabbit closed the pantry again and dove back out the window he’d entered. The mare was so riveted by the firework display she didn’t even hear the loud and clumsy ‘oomph’ of the human hitting the ground.

The human’s next mark was a clothes boutique. Always a good mark for the random bits and bobs, specifically for mending, or even making, clothes. And boutiques were always in such a chaos anyway, they were a lost and found paradise. He could take all he wanted without anypony noticing.

So he picked through the building, snatching up a few spools of thread, a couple of pins and needles – yelping as he grabbed a needle by the wrong end – along with some scraps of fabric and a few patches.

Before he left through the back door though, Rabbit leaned backwards and marched to a halt observing a painting hanging on the wall. It was some sort of post-modern art piece depicting a horribly disfigured pony of some sorts with buck teeth, one eye bigger than the other, twisted in some comical posture; had it been a realistic depiction it would have been a great depiction of a car-wreck victim.

Realising it was slightly askew, Rabbit straightened the painting and made his exit.

After his visit to the boutique for some clothing essentials, Rabbit made his way to ‘the suburbs.’ There were s trip of attached houses, complete with tall fenced off gardens. Each of which was a potential gold-mine of supplies. From fresh vegetables to useful tools or implements.

Stashing his bag, Rabbit leapt up on one of the garden fences and vaulted over the top, landing with a thud in the garden. All was quiet for a moment while he rummaged around.

And then came the ‘yapping’ noise of a small dog. The barks were interrupted by a few human screams of terror, and the sound of teeth tearing into clothes. There was a ripping noise followed by more growls and barks.

Ragged and distraught, Rabbit vaulted back over the garden fence and landed heavily with a pronounced ‘thud’ on his ass. His hair was tousled and there was a distressed look in his eye. His arms were laden with several heads of lettuce, some radishes and a couple of lemons, and the back of his t-shirt had been torn open by several sharp canine teeth.

“I like dogs as much as the next guy,” Rabbit mumbled to himself as he caught his breath. “Just a pity they don’t like me.”

He started stuffing the goods in his bag when the human paused, reached into a head of lettuce and pulled out a pair of aviator sunglasses. God – if he was even watching (Rabbit surely hoped not) – only knew how they had ended up in a vegetable garden.

“What the fuck.” He silently mouthed before flicking the arms open and slipping them over his eyes. After a run in with a vicious little ankle-biter, Rabbit felt he deserved something of a treat, and was just going to make lemonade out of lemons.

And speaking of lemons, he finished stuffing those into his bag before moving on.

Rabbit’s climbing axe was pretty much an all in one breaking and entering tool. It could serve as a simple climbing axe. It was a crow-bar. It was a hammer. It was an axe. It was a knife. Heck, tie on a length of rope and the damn thing was a grappling hook too!

And a grappling hook was what he needed.

With a custom length of climbing rope tied to the end of his climbing axe, he gave the makeshift grappling hook a twirl and threw it straight up. The first time he’d attempted this, he’d conked himself out twice. The third time he’d accidentally stabbed himself in the hand. The fourth time had been the charm, but the fifth had ended in another hammer-blow to the head.

It had taken some practice, and practice had made perfect.

In one deft show of skill, Rabbit hooked the axe over the guard-rail of an overhead balcony. He pulled the rope taught, and satisfied his hook was in place, the boy started to climb. He hung at arms length on his hands and coiled up his legs and back before wedging the robe between his feet. Satisfied his feet were secure, the human uncoiled and pushed himself up with the use of his legs. Hanging on his arms again, the process repeated. Coil, lock, uncoil, hang. Rinse, repeat. It was a classic gym-class lesson, rope climbing. Good full-body exercise, and an exercise Rabbit had thought useless for about five years of his life… until he had arrived in Equestria and actually found a use for said exercise.

Clearing little over a dozen metres in just a quick minute, Rabbit peeked over the edge of the balcony and observed the goods. A small stash of drinks stored in the shade of a pub balcony. He noted the usual poisons. Apple cider. Pear cider. Cherry brandy. Cauliflower ale… and then the mother lode. His eyes moved to the base of the stack, where a single crate of the good stuff sat cooling in the balcony’s shade.

Butter beer, something of a delicacy in Equestia, it didn’t come cheap either. Tough to brew, wanted by all and served appropriately in golden coloured bottles. If pure 24-carat gold was a delicious drink, butter beer would be that drink.

“Boo-yeah!” the human whooped quietly, boldly duffling four of the golden bottles.

A moment later he lost his grip on the rope, and yelping as he went, he slid all the way down with smoke belching cartoonishly from his hands.

Eventually Rabbit realised he was getting heavy. His bag was bulging and his arms could carry no more. It was time to wrap things up.

Like a cartoon villain sleuthing by an oblivious protagonist, Rabbit comically tip-toed around the back of the crowd watching the end of Trixie’s show. She was bowing deeply, and using her telekinesis to don her hat and cape again. The adoring crowds showered her with a couple of bits and various multi-coloured flowers.

Before he dove into the treeline again and disappeared from sight, he gave his partner in crime a quick salute.

And Trixie returned with a discreet wink.

Such was their little scheme. Distract, divide and conquer. Trixie would distract the town. The townsfolk would divide to see the show. And Rabbit would conquer… their possessions of course.

I really meant it when I said Trixie and Rabbit were thick as thieves.

***[]***

He was sitting on a hill about ten minutes out of town when she found him. Their pre-determined rendezvous point, unseen from any nearby roads. Rabbit sat in the comfortable grass sewing up the holes the dog attack had left in his shirt.

Laying beside him in a heap was the loot, clearly visible when Trixie sleuthed up with her wagon, stage and home in tow.

“Who’s like us?” Trixie whooped in happy tradition at the sight of their income.

“Damn few. And they’re all dead.” Rabbit answered pulling the mended shirt again, the red string used to mend the tears clearly visible across his back.

There was no such thing as fences in Equestria, so selling off stolen goods was risky. Also, the less people noticed things missing after Trixie’s show had passed through town, the better. Small time theft, in the long run of their scheme, was better than trying to go from rags to riches in no time. Some missing vegetables and pies could be attributed to some pests or wild animals. Some missing bits could be attributed to simple clumsiness.

Even still, they had agreed on one thing. This kind of lifestyle, though prosperous for the moment, would not sustain either of them. Eventually ponies would catch on. Trixie and Rabbit had agreed to stop thievery after reached Canterlot. Maneila was the end of it. As it stood, both had enough bits saved from previous heists to settle down in Equestria’s capitol city. A city of lights, a place where dreams came true.

But that was future Rabbit and Trixie’s problem. Right then, right there, they were immortals. They were gods. They were on top of Equestria and nopony could drag them down. The duo danced around the campfire. They enjoyed their bounty and whooped like wolves howling to the full moon. The night was theirs.

Festivities didn’t last long though. They had been through a lot, hiking across Equestria, putting on a show and robbing Maneila blind… they were knackered, and soon the duo were laid back in the grass, heads next to each other, staring at the clear night sky.

Pinpricks of light hung in the void of inky sky stretched out above them. It felt like the stars were twinkling just for them, and the moon, full and bright was watching over them. Right overhead was a lighter blueish purple shade of sky, with a nebula of stars streaking straight through the sky like a glittering ribbon across the night.

Trixie had told Rabbit all about the princess of the night, Princess Luna who was responsible for raising the moon at night and dotting the sky with stars. It seemed she had outdone herself tonight.

“When we get to Canterlot, I’m using my share to buy an inn.” Trixie sighed dreamily, breaking the silence between them.

Rabbit let out a loud ‘hah’ as he shifted his eyes to look at her. “You? Settle down? You’re a traveller, Trix. You’ve been on the road all your life!”

“Buck that noise! I’ve finally got the bits to settle down. I’ll call it the Bridle Mare. There will be live magic shows from the most talented ponies every night. Trixie, of course, will be the star attraction.”

“Heh.” Rabbit smiled. Typical.

“Ponies from all over Equestria will come to see. The inn where Butter Beer is affordable, and Cauliflower Ale is banned.”

Rabbit burst out laughing.

“And you sir, will be my bartender.” Trixie added.

The human snorted loudly, turning his head to look if the pony was serious. She looked fairly serious, but Rabbit couldn’t be sure. That need to be chased by a swig of butter beer, and he knocked back his bottle for a moment. “So you’re gonna split profit with me to convince me to enter that arrangement? Ninety-ten to me?”

“Whoa now! You drive a hard bargain, little-rabbit-in-my-hat.” Trixie teased. “Seventy-thirty to me.” She added in a matter-of-factly tone.

“Fuck no.” Rabbit scoffed. “Fortyfive-fiftyfive.”

“Deal!” the unicorn snapped, closing negotiations in an instant.

“That’d be fifty-five to me, Trix.” Rabbit added casually.

They both laughed at each other as Trixie playfully thrust a hoof against the top of Rabbit’s head. And slowly silence took over as they stared at the stars. Rabbit knocked back the final swig of his bottle, hardly noticing the ruffle in the grass as Trixie shifted.

She rolled over and lay on her belly, hanging her head directly over the human’s blocking his view of the perfect night sky. Rabbit squinted and angled his head around the pony’s cute face.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She smiled, making Rabbit think it wasn’t nothing. “I was just thinking you’d deserve the five.”

“Uh-huh.” Rabbit mused with an amused frown. “The Great and Powerful Trixie has grown some modesty. What will she do next?”

Trixie just smiled. “You know… I never enjoyed life this much before you came around. I never thought I could.”

“Oh, do I sense a ‘thank you’ coming?” Rabbit’s turn for a tease.

“Just… shut up a second okay?”

Rabbit smiled broadly up at the azure pony waiting patiently.

Trixie stared for a moment into his eyes, then let out an explosive sigh. “Okay. Here goes nothing. I… Rabbit, before you came along… I was lost and… when you… everything just worked out with you, and… what I want to say is…” she stumbled over her own sentences before closing her eyes, sucking in a breath and just let it out. “Thank you! Thank you, Rabbit. Thank you!” Smiling, she threw her head back and called out to the heavens. “Alright? That what you want to hear? You are the best friend I’ve ever had, and I need to say THANK YOU!” her embarrassed voice echoed off into the night as Rabbit smirked it off.

“Was that so hard?” He asked, and the pony blushed, still hanging over him. “And for what it’s worth. Thank you, Trix. You could’ve abandoned me, but you didn’t. You took care of me when I was a newcomer in Equestria. I appreciate it.”

The pony smiled warmly. “It was my pleasure.”

“Hah. Sharing your income and putting up with the burden of taking care of me? Sure it was.”

“Rabbit… it really is a pleasure.”

Rabbit suddenly stopped laughing, suddenly realising the pony was very close to him. Her nose pushed away his hat as she moved in close, her powerful breath causing his eyes to flutter for a moment. There was a timid little smile on her mouth while her head angled to a comfortable angle.

He could smell burn magnesium in her hair, and the metallic smell of coins where she had jokingly rained bits down over her head while laughing manically during their festivities. There was a smell of crushed daisies and freshly cut grass on her breath.

And then there was warmth under the chilly stars as her soft, moist lips pressed firmly against Rabbit’s mouth. Her lips parted slightly as she deepened the kiss, her tongue tentatively touching the human’s. With his eyes wide, Rabbit could clearly see Trixie’s eyes were comfortably shut, and he felt the corners of her mouth tug upward with happiness. There was a familiar taste on Rabbit’s mouth, like he’d fallen face down on a freshly cut lawn. His head was spinning badly, and he was so disorientated in those agonising seconds he wondered if he had indeed kissed the ground at full sprint.

Very slowly the pony pulled back, realising that even though she was kissing, her partner wasn’t doing any kissing back. Their lips left each others’ company and Trixie’s eyes jerked open to look down at the human underneath her.

“Fuck.” Rabbit cursed with surprise as he shuffled out from under the pony and gave her a suspicious look. “What was that?”

She seemed to disregard the question entirely, speaking dreamily, like she was in some sort of drunken trance. “I love you.” were her slow, clear distinct words.

“What!?” Rabbit squeaked with a shocked expression on his face.

Blinking sharply, Trixie’s head jolted away as she realised what she’d just said and done. “Imean, I like you. Like… you’re my best friend.” Her cheeks blushed bright red through her azure coat as she quickly rolled onto her back with a light ‘plof.’ “I like you, as a friend.” She insisted.

Rabbit frowned, staring at her as the initial surprise wore off. “Friends don’t smooch.” He stated plainly.

“In Equestria they do…” she blushed even harder, her whole face turning to the colour of a beet.

“Oh, of course. Sure. That makes sense, I totally believe that.” Rabbit nodded, his tone oozing with sarcasm.

“I said I like you. That’s all I said.”

“You said I love you.” Rabbit argued in a reasonable, calm tone.

Trixie let out an aggravated groan that sounded something like the sound a dying giraffe might make. “Buck no! You’re a human after all, and I’m a pony. How gross is that!? I only said I like you and that means you’re my friend. Now would you sit your flank down and look at the stars?” Frustrated, the pony clopped some ruffles out of her hat and pulled it over her bright red face. “We’re heading to Canterlot tomorrow! Going to have a long day ahead of us!”

“Uh-huh.” Rabbit was still smiling as he pulled his bush-hat over his eyes. One eye opened as he gave a final cheeky look to the disgruntled pony, before tucking his hands behind his head and drifting off to sleep…

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.

Interval 3.2: The One-Rodent Assault

My Little Pony:
Versus Equestria

[Welcome to Canterlot]
Interval 3.2: The One-Rodent Assault

Canterlot. The glittering ivory and gold capitol of Equestria. So not to sound redundant at this stage in our story, I’m just gonna give the city one word description so you can grasp just how grand the capitol really was.

It was sparkley.

Seriously, if I were to go into the details of how sparkley the city was you’d mistake it for an in-depth description of Edward Cullen... that’s right, I went there. I went there with bells on!

Stepping off the drawbridge suspended over the city’s moat, the duo left behind the sights of glistening, cloudy waterfalls and rushing water flowing around the base of the mountainside perched city. The gates with portcullis loomed over them before they exited the city front porch and found themselves in Canterlot proper.

The luxurious buildings leaned this way and that into the streets, topped by fancy spires waving golden flags. The paved streets were smooth and lined with grassy sidewalks, all neatly trimmed and immaculately maintained like the faces of the shops lining the wide streets.

Ponies of higher walks in life trotted proudly through their city, chins held high... or was that noses held high? It was kind of hard to tell one from other, ponies looking the way they did.

Trixie was the first to speak as she held out her human arms and smiled broadly. “Welcome to Canterlot, Rabbit. How do you feel?”

Looking around, Rabbit noticed that being bipedal meant the two of them stood about a head taller than the general Canterlot populace. Unicorns included.

“I feel tall.” Was his dry reply, causing Trixie to giggle.

Rabbit grinned a little awkwardly, shooting her a furtive glance. He’d been avoiding her gaze all day since their morning-shower debacle. He was still trying to grasp the fact Trixie had transfigured herself into a human girl. A kind of human girl who – had Rabbit been going to school with her – he would have drooled over in the back of class. The kind of girl he’d jump through hoops for just to get her attention. The kind of girl he’d beg to go to the graduation dance with him.

It seemed her magic was still quite weak, and she was limited to simple telekinesis spells, but even then just barely. Which meant she didn’t have the capacity to change back to a pony yet. As time passed her powers would recharge and she’d be able to cast the revert-spell... in about twelve hours.

Figuring her nakedness was making Rabbit uncomfortable, and feeling quite cold without her furry coat, Trixie had improvised. Without magic to conjure some clothes for herself she made do with what she was able to make with her hands. Her new digits were incredibly useful, and Trixie quickly managed to fashion quite a flattering toga out of her old cape. Her wizard’s hat still fitted, and she’d used some twine, spare strips of padding and fabric to fashion a set of simple boots.

She’d even modified her saddlebags into a belt that allowed her bags to rest comfortable on her hips.

Realising her was staring at her ass, Rabbit quickly averted his gaze before the mar-... girl, caught him. He had been scolding himself the whole way up to Canterlot proper. She’d been the first human girl he’d seen in months. She was hot. She had been naked for the love of Christ! And the first thing he does is nearly drown before noting her height!?

Idiot! He could have done anything. He could have made a smart-ass comment. He could have shrugged it off. Anything, but why come across as such a dope and note her height?

I could have come on to her... Rabbit scratched his head at that thought. Could he have though? She was still technically a pony. But they were really close. Hitting on her would be natural. Maybe she wanted him to. Why else would she have grabbed him while naked...? But what if she accepted his advance? What if they became a couple?

She was still a pony...

“Rabbit?” Trixie’s voice dragged Rabbit out of his hazy thoughts.

Blinking hard a few times, the teenager turned his head to his companion. She was tall though. Standing a little higher than Rabbit. He wondered if she did become his girlfriend if that would be weird.

Yes, dude! Rabbit heard his own voice cry in his head. It would be weird! She’s a fucking pony!

“Rabbit, are you okay?”

“Gah!” Rabbit slapped a hand across his eyes as he was pulled from his thoughts again... only to realise he’d been staring into Trixie’s cleavage. Hence the eye-slapping. Bad eyes! Bad! “Yeah, fine! I’m fine... uh.”

Rabbit paused awkwardly for a moment, glancing over his shoulder. The Canterlot palace, home of Equestria’s princesses wasn’t hard to spot. The main structure built again the central mountain Canterlot was built against was the highest, towering over the entire city – all of Equestria even. If Equestria had a throat, that central tower would be it.

Inside would be the all-powerful princesses. The Gods of this world, who might be able to solve all kinds of problems with a single wave of their horns thanks to good old magic; sweet, convenient magic.

The teenager turned back to his companion. “Okay. Fuck it. This is where I leave you.” Rabbit announced.

“W-what?” Trixie stammered. That had come out of nowhere, and a look of hurt instantly filled her watery eyes. Her mascara had somehow magically re-applied itself since that morning’s washing routine. “But... but...”

Rabbit stared confounded, part of him wondering how and why that mascara had re-applied to cause a black tear to roll down over the girl’s pale cheek.

“No!” Trixie declared with a sniffle, drawing a frown from the boy. “No, you can’t. I won’t... I won’t let...” her mouth opened as a few more black tears stained her face, but she stopped herself. She saw his frown and closed her eyes, nodding. “I won’t stop you.” she sighed sadly.

Rabbit held out his arms, wondering what the hell was going on. He remained silent though.

“I don’t have the right to stop you.” Trixie continued, trying to wipe away her tears. “You’re my best friend, Rabbit, and... and I would have...” she cleared the frog in her throat before continuing in a shaky tone. “Before you go, Rabbit, there’s one thing I want to tell you... I need you to know this. Rabbit, I-...”

A long pause of silence followed.

She couldn’t. She couldn’t explain why, but she couldn’t say it. She couldn’t say that one little phrase, not even in their final moments together.

‘I love you.’

It shouldn’t have been so hard; they were only three simple words after all. She loved him. She loved him so much, and she felt like she always would. But why couldn’t she say it out loud to his face? She had once before when he hadn’t been paying proper attention. Why couldn’t she let him know now? Entice him to stay with her? Was it the fear that even if he knew how she really felt he wouldn’t stay with her anyway? Could she handle that rejection from the love of her li-...?

A light ‘ahem’ caught her attention and threw Trixie’s train of thought off-rail. Looking up, she saw Rabbit was holding up the weave-gem stuck to his wrist.

Everything clicked into place.

Trixie gulped loudly. “You’re... you’re just going to go see the princesses about that gem.” – Rabbit nodded – “And you’ll meet me at the inn afterwards.” She finished.

Rabbit nodded again.

“I’m such an idiot.” The girl groaned as she face-palmed.

Rabbit nodded once more. “Yes you are.” He sighed with a grin before reaching out and patting her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. Human idiocy is something you get used to.”

Trixie scoffed. “I certainly hope not.”

“I’m just going to get the princess to get rid of this McGuffin,” Rabbit explained. “Collect the reward that princess promised for saving her and I’ll catch up to you later.”

Trixie’s eyes popped when she heard that. She came to the realisation he’d be going to see Princess Luna, and that would be the princess’ chance to steal a kiss from him. Worse yet, they were in Canterlot, in her very shadow! All of a sudden Trixie didn’t want to even let her friend out of her sight.

“You’re going to see Princess Luna?” Trixie tried her best to sound calm. To no avail. “Perhaps I should come to... uh... protect? You?” she finished very slowly.

Rabbit chuckled, not noticing her panic. “See Princess Luna? Hell, no. That crazy mare straight up frenched me for no goddamn reason. I ain’t going near her without a ten-foot bludgeoning pole. Nah – her older sister Celestia sounds like the shot-caller to me.”

Trixie sighed secretly with relief. “Yes... Princess Celestia would be the best pony to see. So I’ll catch you later?” she added, stepping closer to her friend.

They were in such close proximity; Rabbit could smell the mint of her toothpaste blowing over his face. He caught the scent of daisies in her hair as a few silky strands were plucked up by the wind and brushed his cheek.

“Uh...” Rabbit nodded, taking a step back. “Yeah! Yeah, I’ll... uh...”

Like an awkward teenager unsure what she was supposed to do, Trixie stepped closer as if the embrace him in a friendly hug. Rabbit half-met her, stepping in but balking away at the same time. The two barely made contact, unsure if they had each other’s consent for contact. Both stammering awkwardly they sort of backed off, feigning motions for hugs – and in Trixie’s case, a kiss.

Building up a wave of courage, Trixie cut through the swathe of uncertainty and put her hands delicately on Rabbit’s shoulders. Holding him in place, she leaned forward, one foot leaving the ground as she bent her knee up so her lower leg was parallel to the ground. And to complete the cliché, she gently pecked her friend on the cheek before taking a step back from the confounded human boy.

“Uh...”

Rubbing her arm, Trixie felt her cheeks grow hot before turning away and making stocky paces down the street. That left Rabbit rubbing his cheek, wondering what the hell had just happened. Did they just have a first-time-shy-boyfriend-girlfriend-I-dunno-how-to-do-this moment?

Rolling his eyes with a deep sigh, Rabbit turned on his heel and started walking towards the palace, mumbling to himself the whole time. “Damn it all. This is a mental castration.”

***[]***

The plan was reasonably simple. Get in. Get sorted. Get out. Total mission time; half an hour. One hour, tops. It couldn’t possibly take longer. Unless of course he needed to book an appointment. But Rabbit was the guy who saved the princess. C’mon... did he really have to book an appointment?

So it was with a proud strut that Rabbit walked boldly past the palace guards and in through the palace entrance...

A moment later there were several distressed cries and Rabbit was shooed right out the way he had entered by a particular pony. This mare was no guard; she wasn’t even clad in armour. The unicorn had a light purple coat and a grayscale mane permed to perfection. Her horn glowed with sickly green energy as she kept a clipboard and quill levitated by her side. Simultaneously a green shield was erected over her head, used to shove Rabbit kicking and struggling out the way he had come.

The soles of his sneakers purchased on the polished floor and with a light squeak, the teenager stumbled backwards, standing outside the palace again. “Hey, what gives?” the human complained holding out his arms at the mare.

“Who do you think you are?” the unicorn demanded in a prissy, snooty tone. She had a nasally kind of voice and seemed to carry herself with her chin pointed neatly upward. And it wasn’t because she was looking up at the human. “You cannot simply barge into the palace like that.”

“Who do I think I am?” Rabbit scoffed. “Who do you think I am?” he retorted. “I’m the guy who saved Princess Luna from Nightmare Moon a while back... remember?”

“I remember a lot of ponies saving the princess from the cold grasp of Nightmare Moon.” The snooty unicorn sniffed. “What of it?”

“Well I ain’t a pony.” Rabbit said pointedly. “I’m here for the reward.”

“Reward? Hah! I’m sure.” The unicorn cleared her throat. “I am Inque-Well, Princess Celestia’s royal advisor and planner. She is currently extremely busy helping organise the Royal Wedding. She will not be seeing anypony. Certainly not con-artists and charlatans.”

Rabbit opened his mouth angrily to say something, but Inque-Well didn’t let him. Turning about-face, the pony marched back into the palace. If she thought he’d would give up just like that, that bitch would be sorely disappointed. Rabbit took a step forward to follow her inside when the portcullis suddenly slammed shut with a pronounced clang-g-g!

Gasping as he teetered on his toes, about an inch from being skewered by the gate that had fallen over the palace’s main entrance, Rabbit very delicately took a step back before balancing himself again.

Grabbing the bars of the portcullis, Rabbit gave them a yank, indicating the gate was very sturdy and not going anywhere. “I’m not a con-artist!” the human shouted after Inque-Well. “And I’m no charlatan! I don’t even know what that is! What is that, some kind of breakfast cereal?”

The royal advisor and planner ignored him as she disappeared from sight. With a sigh, Rabbit gave the portcullis another yank. It rattled, eliciting a sideways glance from the flanking guards. Grinning broadly, Rabbit patted the steel frame.

“Yup, stuck on there good!” he announced before casually stepping away. “Just... eh... y’know. Testing it out. Good home security.” He added as a point-to-note before very quickly turning around and leaving before the guards decided he was some kind of threat.

So Rabbit was locked out the palace, several metric-tonnes of mortar, brick, steel re-enforcement and security-stallions between him and the princess... and his reward of weight in gold and all that. But Rabbit wasn’t one to give up. He always had a plan.

Maybe not a very good plan most of the time, but any plan was better than no plan.

His first idea was painfully simple. Sneaking around the side of the palace he’d spotted an open window. And upon exploring, he’d found a gardener’s shed too. Using his old faithful climbing-axe like a crowbar, he’d pried the lock of the shed open, found a ladder and charged rather maniacally across the royal lawn with this long wooden ladder on his shoulder. He planted it crudely in the first bushel of daisies he could find and mounted the ladder.

“Fuck yeah, bitch!” Rabbit whooped as he ascended to the open window. “Can’t touch thi-...”

He was cut off by a rather terrifying sight as he reached the top. Hand grasping the topmost rung, Rabbit froze as he sat practically nose to nose with a pony. Inque-Well stared into the human’s eyes unsmiling.

“Heh. I celebrated a little too soon, didn’t I?” Rabbit mumbled through gritted teeth.

“Yes.” The unicorn hissed, before the top of the ladder was engulfed in her telekinetic essence.

Before Rabbit could complain the ladder was pitched backwards and the teenager was sent plummeting back down to the lawn. He made up for it by complaining on the way down.

“Oh, come ooooooooooooooooooooonn-...”

THUD!

With that failure leaving its bruises, Rabbit abandoned the ladder and re-assessed his approached. Perhaps this would require a little less Pink Panther and a little more Assassin’s Creed. Around the back of the palace was the staff entrance.

There were several white overall-clad ponies making their way inside carrying ladders, tins of paint and brushes of all shapes and sizes. The decorator ponies didn’t seem to notice the human sneaking up on their rear-most carriage and steal one of their paint-sheets.

Rabbit wrapped the Picasso-splashed sheet over his shoulders like a cloak and pulled a makeshift hood over his head. Hiding his appearance, he crouched down, walking with a slouch of epic proportions to appear more like a pony. Doing his best to blend in with the decorators, Rabbit slipped in through the staff entrance of the palace.

As the ponies and disguised human disappeared inside, all was quiet... for about six-point-two seconds. What followed were several distressed cries followed by a loud thud and a; “Whoa-whoa-whoa!” from Rabbit.

A moment later he was launched back out the way he came, skating over the slick floor on his ass before disappearing into a pile of trash cans, causing an almighty clatter to echo throughout the back alley coupled with several terrified feline screeches. Inque-Well trotted with a sigh up to the staff entrance before slamming the doors shut loudly.

Perhaps the situation called for a little less Assassin’s Creed, a little more Mirror’s Edge.

At wit’s end, Rabbit looked down from his new perch. He had picked himself out of the garbage, dusted off and climbed to a rooftop adjacent and reasonably close to the palace. Directly ahead of him was a fifth floor window handing open and inviting the teenager in.

Between him and it was about a dozen metres of open air across, another half-dozen metres down. The record long jump in Rabbit’s world was a distance of eight-point-nine metres. On the up side, Rabbit was no longer in his world. He just hoped the Equestria gravity was lighter than back home.

Looking down, Rabbit felt his head spin so bad he needed to take a step back. “Wooo, okay. Do or die.”

With a slow jog, he crossed the rooftop and turned back to face his target. He had a five meter run at it, so he’d have to build up speed as fast as possible, leap strong and high... and hope for the best.

Tightening the straps of his backpack, Rabbit rolled his shoulders and gave his gear a light shake. Nothing was loose, nothing was throwing his balance. Lowering down, he planted his fingertips on the ground and got ready to go, like a sprinter waiting for the start-gun.

A pigeon had landed on Rabbit’s predicted ‘launch-pad.’ It cooed lightly as the human glared past it at his intended target. He licked his lips in anticipation...

The pigeon flew off again. That was it. That was Rabbit’s start-gun.

With a grunt, he kicked off, pushing himself harder than he had ever done before. His sneakers pounded the rooftop loudly as he sprinted, head down and arms swinging for balance. His strides were long and his muscles screamed with every bound.

He timed his last two strides, shortening the latter as he wanted to leap off his right foot. He paced off his left and landed on his right, crouching low as his sole was planted firmly on the edge of the rooftop. And with a mighty heave he leapt clear of the rooftop.

Rabbit was launched like a window-seeking missile, soaring into the air, straight on target. His arms wind milled wildly for balance as he kicked his legs, continuing to run through the air.

Everything seemed to slow down. Every beat of Rabbit’s heart pounded audibly in his ears. Every breath was accounted for. Judging by eye, though without looking directly at the ground far beneath him, Rabbit judged his current distance across the space between buildings.

And with a skip of his heart he realised he’d soared past the halfway point. On current trajectory he’d land neatly inside the palace, long as he remembered to pull in his limbs or he’d lose something to the window frame.

A smile tugged at Rabbit’s lips... but that was kicked out shortly after.

A green glow engulfed the shutters as Rabbit soared down towards the window. His eyes widened with horror as he spotted Inque-Well walking past on the inside. She even had time to look up and flash the suspended human a sly little grin before the window’s solid wood shutters slammed shut and bolted.

“Aw, crap!” Rabbit heard his own voice say before he hit home.

Rabbit’s whole body crashed into the shutters and bounced clean off. It must have looked rather comical from a third person perspective, and on any other occasion Rabbit would have laughed – were it not for the horrible pain.

He clawed at the concrete windowsill, hoping to hang on and save himself from falling, but it was slick with no handholds. He just slipped over and plummeted directly downward.

A window on the fourth storey blurred past.

Rabbit twisted in the air, cringing as he looked down.

Third storey.

Though it wasn’t that bad. Looking directly downwards, Rabbit saw a dumpster beneath him. It was open and inside he saw what looked like fluffy pillows. A pillow-dumpster directly under his fall. How very convenient. Fate was smiling on him for once.

Second storey.

A mare appeared below carrying a pillow in her green telekinesis. The purple and greyscale with green magic was impossible to mistake. But how the hell she managed to get down there so fast went beyond all laws of normal physics. Inque-Well didn’t bother looking up as she tossed another pillow into the dumpster in passing.

As she did she gave the lid a nudge and closed the dumpster over, putting a solid metal plate between the falling human and his potentially soft landing.

Fuck you, fate.

First storey.

Kicking and holding out his arms as if that’d do anything to cushion the fall, Rabbit vocalised the first thing that came to mind: “OH, SHIT!” Impact came directly afterward.

KA-BLAM!

And that sound effect didn’t quite do the bone-crunching, hollow noise of Rabbit slamming to a halt on the dumpster proper justice.

Laying there in defeat, Rabbit groaned loudly. Eventually he slid off the slanted lid of the dumpster and collapsed to the cold and hard, but oh-so beautiful and steady ground.

***[]***

He sighed with a shake of his head. “Stubborn as a mule.” The earth-pony chuckled as he returned to the royal kitchens. As the Samaritan who had seen Rabbit’s fall and came rushing out with an ice-pack wandered back in through the open door leading to the palace kitchens, a familiar face popped up. Inque-Well eyed Rabbit where the teenager sat with his ice-pack before slamming the door shut and double-bolting it.

Once again, the palace was secure and pretty much impenetrable. Maybe a little less Mirror’s Edge, a little more Splinter Ce-... oh, forget it.

Much to Rabbit’s dismay. So there he sat in the royal gardens, perched on the base of one of the stranger looking ornamental statues, an ice-pack held against the sore bump on his head and glaring viciously up at his quandary. The palace may well have been more secure than Fort Knox with Inque-Well running riot inside.

God-damn pony and her ability to disobey the laws of makes-sense. Just thinking about her was giving him a headache. “Ugh... and ponies think I’m an ass?”

Rabbit was going over the logistics of his next plan of attack on the palace. He would construct some scaffolding and erect it along the western wall. While Inque-Well busied herself with fortifying the west, perhaps thwarting the building of the scaffolding for his next infiltration, Rabbit would actually be infiltrating the sewer system. After procuring a copy of the Canterlot sub-level blueprints from the council offices, he’d then safely navigate his way to the palace basements and tunnel his way in with a digging-device constructed entirely out of spoons...

No, that was a stupid plan. He’d have to be constructing the scaffolding and digging through the sub-structure at the same time. He’d have to be in two places at once. And if we actually knew why that particular aspect of the half-brained plan seemed stupid to the teenager, we’d all be a lot smarter.

It was while he was tossing the ice-pack over his shoulder and biting his nails while waiting for the next plan to come to mind when he got the shock of his life... the greatest shock in his life, up until that very point in his life – I believe that is an important note to take into account.

“Hello, Ser Rabbit.” Said her formal voice.

Rabbit immediately recoiled, nearly throwing himself from his seat as he looked to his side to see she had snuck up on him. The one pony he’d prefer to keep at a distance. Princess Luna stood beside him, the tall and slim alicorn had her grand wings folded neatly to her sides and her mane shone with the intensity of a starlit night sky.

“Gah!” Rabbit managed to cry before slowly recovering. “Sheesh, girl. Don’t sneak up on a guy like that. He might get to thinking you had devious plans for him.”

Grinning girlishly, the ancient pony princess lifted a hoof cutely to her face and shut her eyes as she giggled. “And what would thy know of our devious plans?” she added suggestively, angling her head closer to the human.

Rabbit blinked, wondering about that question. What did he know about her devious plans? Did he even want to know? It was a redundant thought as more pressing matters entered his brain.

“Did you just say Ser? Isn’t it sir with an ‘i’?” Rabbit asked. Hah! And you thought he was going to ask about reward money.

Luna quickly shook her head. “No.”

“I’m actually pretty sure-...”

Luna cut directly across him. “Not that we know of. And are thou questioning the ten-thousand-year-old princess?” she added as she pitched her head closer with a smile.

Rabbit let out a low whistle as he eyed her healthy figure. “Ten-thousand, eh? You look good.”

Giving a mischievous smile, the princess half turned to expose the good side of her flank to the teenager. “Really? What particular part looks the best?”

They stared at each other for a moment. Rabbit bemused, the princess looking rather sneaky... and then the teenager puffed up his cheeks trying to hold in his laughter. The ridiculous expression pulled proved rather futile as a snort escaped Rabbit before he found himself slapping his knee in laughter. It was Luna’s turn to look bemused as her confident posture slumped significantly.

Completely disregarding the question, Rabbit looked up at the palace and changed the subject with practiced ease. “So I was here to collect on that reward for saving your thousand-year-old flank.” Rabbit commented. “But that snooty adviser of your sister’s wouldn’t let me in to see her.”

“Inque-Well?” Luna chuckled. “It is strange how that pony makes a better guard than she does a royal adviser.” The princess tapped a hoof against her lip thoughtfully for a moment before an idea sprang in her head. Her expression suddenly brightened to the intensity of the sun as she turned her gaze to Rabbit. “We have an idea! She would have to let thee in if thou art a royal guest!”

“Cool.” Rabbit nodded. “So invite me over for tea.”

“We have a better reason to invite you into the palace, Ser Rabbit.” A wide toothy smile spread over the princess’ face.

Rabbit blinked, oblivious that he was quite possibly looking at the Royal Canterlot Rape-face. The chills running down his spine should have given it away, but hanging on to his optimism the boy listened further.

“Ser Rabbit,” Princess Luna announced in a grand voice that nearly knocked the teenager over. “Would thee like to join us for an afternoon of video games?”

Rabbit choked on air when he heard that invitation. Coughing and spluttering wildly, he quite literally fell off his perch this time, landing in the grass with a thud. Scrambling on all fours as the confused princess leaned in to see if he was okay, the human thrust himself back to his feet before turning nose to nose with Luna.

“Did you just say video games!?” the human exclaimed. “Ponies have video games? Of course! Fuck yeah! I haven’t played video games in months!” Rabbit was over the moon. He thought he had to drop one of his favourite past times completely now he was in Equestria. If ponies had video games they were awfully quiet about it.

But what kind of games did ponies play?

“What kind of games do you play?” Rabbit quickly asked.

Luna scoffed, all royal official-ness leaving her tone and expression. Her eyes widened excitedly like those of Rabbit’s realising the human knew of – and wanted to be – gaming.

“First person shooters of course!” Luna exclaimed happily, a very teenage break entering her voice. “Duh!” yup. Royal disposition completely gone now. Rabbit was now in the presence of Luna’s gamer personality.

“Holy shit!” Rabbit threw his arms up with joy. “Let’s totally get some Halo up in this!”

“Ohmygosh, I love Haylo!” Luna exclaimed as she sat down and reared back, clapping her fore hooves together excitedly. “Versus or co-op?”

“Co-op, score-count enabled.” Rabbit challenged. “Legendary difficulty with all skulls on!”

“Hah!” Luna laughed confidently with a hoof on her chest. “Challenge accepted, ser knight. Prepare for a royal flank-kicking by a royal sister. But, eh...” Luna quickly calmed herself and rose to her hooves, clearing her throat loudly. “There is one thing though.”

Rabbit leaned against the base of the statue casting its shadow over them. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“There is a toll.” Luna sighed. “We are using my game system, in my wing of the palace, in my bedroom, and...”

“Okay, I get the point.” Rabbit chuckled. “You’re charging for a gaming session. I think I just realised what the word charlatan means. Shoot. What’s the damage?”

“A kiss.”

The payment was so painfully simple on the one hand; on the other Rabbit felt like Luna had just asked him to pay in a blood-sacrifice. “W-... uh... saywhatnow?”

Luna giggled at the shocked expression plastered on Rabbit’s face. “A kiss.” She repeated cutely, a pinkish hue entering her cheeks this time. “Just a kiss... but...”

“There’s a but?” Rabbit almost shouted disbelievingly. Rubbing his eyes, the teenager sighed before calming himself down and nodding. “There’s always a but. Okay. Have at me. What is it?”

Luna glanced suspiciously from left to right as if to look for eaves-droppers. She angled her head to encourage Rabbit to move closer. As he complied, the princess lowered her head to the side of his face as she lowered her voice too.

“It has to be willing.” She whispered. “A willing kiss.” Backing off she smiled. “That’s not too much to ask for, is it?”

Rabbit’s left eye was twitching as he gaped almost angrily. Too much to ask for? She was asking him to snog her – a pony – and be into it? Despite his glare, the corners of his mouth upturned as he saw deeper into the issue.

What a sneak! Sure it should have been creepy, but the princess’ powers of extortion were something to be admired at the same time.

“Oh-ho, wow.” Rabbit chuckled with a shake of his head. “You madam, are a scoundrel and a pirate.”

Luna gave a big toothy grin.

“I knew I shouldn’t have let on to how much I wanted to play video games. So the only way I’m playing video games today is if kiss a horse?”

Luna thought about that for a while before a new mischievous grin plastered her face. “Actually...” she mused.

At the same time her horn began to glow. Dull at first. Then brighter. And brighter... and then even brighter than that. The light was blinding. Rabbit’s eyes clamped shut to no avail. It was like the light was inside his eyelids. Shading his face with a hand he could feel the heat of the magic hit him with a frontal assault, simultaneously hoping he wasn’t being sterilised by what might be some kind of radiation.

When the light finally faded, Rabbit blinked away various multi-coloured spots from his eyes. Shaking it off, the teenager squinted at Princess Luna.

Standing in her place was a girl. Seventeen years old, a slender figure and gothy pale skin with a very subtle greyish hint. She had night-sky blue hair cascading down past her shoulders and beyond her slim waist. Her body was clad by a very low cut night-gown that left little to the imagination, moulded to follow her body’s elegant curves and adorned with several pale crescent jewels. The gown ended just below the hips leaving her legs bare as she stood barefoot in the grass.

The slightly slanted almond eyes and the dark tiara perched on her head were unmistakably those of the princess, though she wasn’t... quite human. She was more elvish, with sharp, delicate features and her ears weren’t rounded, but outwardly pointed almost like that of a cat.

“Luna?” Rabbit gasped at the humanised-... well, elven-ised pony.

“Surprised?” the princess held out her arms as if to say ‘ta-daa’ before giving a dazzling smile.

“I...” Rabbit paused, scratching his head through his bush-hat. “Uh... no. Trixie pulled this one on me already.” He said a little plainly. Though he’d seen this before, it didn’t mean he was completely over it.

Rabbit didn’t notice Luna’s expression sink as he mentioned Trixie. “She did, did she?” the princess growled.

Rabbit didn’t answer, his attention-span entirely consumed by eying the girl over. He couldn’t help it. He was a teenager with raging hormones. Oh, those horrible, disgusting, irritating hormones. Why did they curse him so?

Noticing, Luna smirked. Her idea to turn human to woo the teenager may not have been original, but it seemed to be working regardless. That kiss was as good as hers. “Oh, Rabbit.” The princess chimed seductively in a sing-song voice as she bent forward.

Catching his eye, she pulled him closer with a finger delicately hooked under his chin. The dumbfounded human stumbled lightly as Luna very slowly straightened up with the boy’s face close to hers.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Luna asked playfully. Rabbit stared for a minute. “Something you owe me?” Rabbit was still staring. Luna giggled. “Video games, Rabbit. Focus.” She teased, parting her lips and angling her head to one side a little as they closed the proximity between their faces.

Unbeknownst to the princess, Rabbit was actually suffering from what some boys his age call too-good-to-be-true syndrome. See, sometimes when a teenager is presented with a situation that seems too good to be true – like being extorted for a kiss by a gorgeous girl – the brain just seizes up and enters a catatonic state. Instinct tells the teenager that it is simply too good to be true, so the first involuntary reaction is to not react at all and simply go with the flow.

Rabbit had entered stasis. He was catatonic. He was a deer in the headlights.

And then there was a little voice that cut through all those spider webs and pools of molasses sticky-ing up Rabbit’s brain. The voice of sense. A voice of reason that had whispered to him the first time in his life only a few months ago.

“Hey!” the girl’s voice cried.

A light of sobriety lit up in Rabbit’s eyes as she blinked hard a few times. “Trix?”

In response was a demonic roar. The screech of a succubus defending a prey fairly marked. The war cry of a harpy charging a hapless victim. The bellow of a mighty Valkyrie descending upon her foe, her voice alone enough to instil terror in witnesses for aeons to come.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being fucked with.

“YOU WHORE!” came the great and powerful voice, screamed at the top of her lungs.

Rabbit stepped back in confusion, though it wasn’t Luna who had cried that. Luckily he stepped back just in time before a pale cornflower blue and purple, laser guided missile slammed headlong into the princess’ midsection. Looking down in time, Rabbit saw it was Trixie.

Still in her human form, the traveling magician had lowered into a tackle, throwing herself into Princess Luna’s slender waist. There was no struggle. The two just fell to the ground rolling over each other, each pair of hands grasping at anything to hold on to. They were both new to the concept of hands, so they found fingers were excellent at grasping. And since they both had no experience with ‘human female bodies’ they grasped angrily at pretty much anything they could get their hands on without any regard for tact.

“Yikes!” Rabbit squeaked, stunned by the two girls wrestling in the dirt before him.

Trixie was the first to get the upper hand, pinning Luna face down so the dirt ground against her clean cheek. Her other hand grabbed a handful of the princess’ long hair and pulled hard eliciting a yelp from Luna. “You were cheating! Trixie saw! You were bribing that kiss out of him!” the taller girl cried.

Luna managed to twist around, grabbing haphazardly at Trixie. What her hand found, I’d rather not go into detail. Let’s just say she found a handful of chest... okay, maybe too much detail. Point is, Trixie let out a surprised gasp and it was Luna’s turn to pin. And the princess looked like she had done this before.

Straddling Trixie’s waist, Luna grabbed the taller girl by the wrists and punned her down, her locks of late-evening hair gathering over Trixie’s face. With an angry huff, the girl blew the hair out of her face as Luna grinned with their faces in close proximity.

“There was no rule to say it wasn’t allowed!” Luna announced.

“Because there were no rules!” Trixie argued as she craned her neck closer.

Watching, still in shock, Rabbit secretly wondered if they were about to kiss. He was missing out of video games, but strangely he didn’t really mind. He was dragged out of his trance as Trixie wrestled a leg out from under the princess and wrapped it around Luna’s narrow waist.

Heaving with all her might it was Trixie’s turn to straddle Luna. And yes, I know exactly how that sounds. Staying on the point (I know how that sounds too), both girls’ already scanty attire was scuffed, covered in dirt and beginning to tear in places leaving even less to the imagination of any who watched.

“Shenanigans! The Great and Powerful Trixie calls shenanigans! Trixie demands a re-match!” the girl on top cried.

“Well, too bad, Lulamoon! You’re just a sore loser!” Luna retorted in a tone reserved for when one girl was teasing another. “Always have been! Just look at the first Ponyville ruckus you were involved in!”

“That’s it! New rules! Rule number one: Trixie kicks your flank into next week!”

“Rule number two: Bring it on!”

They disappeared into a tangle of limbs and clouds of dust as the duo scuffled on the ground. They’d roll over, pin each other down, pull at limbs, pull at hair, pull at clothes and pull at... okay, getting way too into this.

Regardless of the sight that should have been every teenage boy’s fantasy, Rabbit stood by in utter confusion. He had no idea how. He had no idea why. It just did not make sense. So there he stood, rubbing his temples as his brain threatened to explode as he tried to rationalise everything that was happening.

“Confound it, one of these days this bullshit’ll drive me to raging alcoholism.” He groaned like he was in pain.

At that moment he noticed a cold shadow glide over the head. Over the squeals and yelps of the fighting girls rolling about the place, Rabbit made out the distinct sound of air ruffling through feathers. Secretly Rabbit hoped that was God, descending down from the heavens to deliver him to hell for his sins. That way he didn’t have to put up with the sheer randomness of Equestria anymore.

Opening his eyes and turning his head, Rabbit saw it wasn’t actually God... well. Not his God anyway.

Taller than Luna, the slender pony might have been better described as an actual horse. Were it not for the horn on her head, with mighty feathered wings and a grand stature Rabbit may have been witness to the first proper Pegasus based on the Greek mythology he was used to while growing up. Everything about the alicorn newcomer was grand, everything from her mane, golden tiara down to the stylized sun-shaped cutie-mark blazing on her flank.

Her magnificent mane and tail rippled in a non-existent breeze, splaying an aura of constantly shifting bands of colours; everyone within the visible light-spectrum.

Luna’s older sister and primary ruler of Equestria was impossible to mistake.

Folding her wings neatly by her sides, Princess Celestia walked elegantly closer. She first eyed Rabbit over, before turning her gaze to the fighting girls.

“Rabbit?” the grand princess asked. She had a kind, motherly voice that was a comfort to listen to, but she hinted as some sternness; obviously a figure who could be athorative and disciplinary when she needed to be. “What is going on here?”

“Your guess is good as mine.” Rabbit scoffed with a shrug. “Who are you?” but most importantly, how the hell did she know Rabbit?”

“I am Princess Celestia.” The princess announced. “I have been watching you for a while now, young man.”

“Uhh...”

“We will address that soon.” The princess clarified unsmiling. Leaving Rabbit a little worried, Celestia moved gracefully closer to where her sister was pulling at Trixie’s hair.

Trixie had one hand reached back, pulling at the skirt of Luna’s gown. Her other hand was planted in the dirt like her knees. The magician’s head was angled back, one eye angrily closed as Luna had one arm wrapped around Trixie’s throat, the other pulling at her cornflower blue hair. They were caught in a struggle, both wondering what the next move to make was. That was when Celestia cast their shadow over them.

Instantly letting go of each other, both girls remained on their knees looking up at the tall mare.

“Sister, this behaviour is unbecoming of a princess.” Celestia scolded sternly. There was that disciplinary tone, and it sent a shiver down Rabbit’s spine. “What were you thinking?”

“But Tia,” Luna whined pointing at Trixie. “She attacked me!”

“And you should have known better than to retaliate such childish violence with more childish violence!” Celestia scorned. “Have I taught you nothing?”

Cringing under her sister’s glare, Luna fidgeted nervously with her fingers. At the same time, with a winning smile on her face, Trixie stuck her tongue out at the princess of the night.

“And don’t think I take you attacking my sister lightly, Trixie Lulamoon.” Celestia’s voice suddenly snapped.

Trixie neutralised her expression and gritted her teeth so quickly she nearly bit off her tongue.

Feeling a little bad, Rabbit scratched the back of his head before leaning closer and clearing his throat. “Uhh...” the teenager started a little uncomfortably. He still had no idea why those two had been fighting, but he had to try something to lighten the mood, right?

Still, Princess Celestia didn’t seem in a mood-lightening frame of mind. With a stern glare she rounded on the boy causing him to instantly retreat. It was a parental kind of glare that didn’t say ‘I’m angry’ but more-so said something along the lines of ‘I’m disappointed’ which always hurt so much more.

“And now we finally meet face to face, Rabbit.” Celestia said as if she were calling him out for an epic final battle of some sort.

“Uhh...” seemed to be all Rabbit could say to the princess.

The princess pony had leaned in close. So close in fact, they were nose to nose. It felt like her glare was piercing his skull and invading his thoughts. He could smell sweet cake on her breath. Immediately he wondered if the princess was a sweet-tooth for some odd-reason.

It seemed she was. Though her taste at that moment wasn’t for anything inherently sweet.

It came out of nowhere. Years from that moment, retired and telling the story to his grandchildren Rabbit would still not be able to rationalise reasoning behind it. It happened so quick, perhaps there was no reasoning behind it at all.

Celestia’s expression softened. Her eyes brightened and there was a small smile on her mouth. Rabbit barely had time to register the cheer when her lips locked his.

The odour of cake he’d picked up on earlier was pretty accurate. She tasted like banana and walnut cake, complete with icing of course. Completely lost though, Rabbit’s eyes closed and he just went with it. The ‘too-good-to-be-true’ instinct had kicked in again and he was a puppet to Celestia’s whim. Nothing made sense anymore. He didn’t care though.

Just go with it, dude. Rabbit heard his own voice say in the back of his mind. He was intending to do just that. Thinking was giving him headaches.

The less he thought about the fact that was the third time in about a week he’d been snogged by a pony, the better. The gag reflex could only take so much.

When the kiss was broken after a short moment, Celestia looked proud of herself. To be honest, Rabbit was rather proud of himself too – for successfully not vomiting right in the princess’ mouth. But Celestia’s pride was more-so revealed, especially when she cast a sly glance to Luna and Trixie.

Both humanised ponies glanced at each other with panic rising within them.

“Did... did she... and with... but then... and... but...” they both stammered, incapable of forming coherent complaints. Celestia hadn’t been part of their competition, so her kiss didn’t count...

Right?

Clearing her throat, Celestia straightened up. “My dear, Rabbit.” She announced, kindness creeping back into her voice. “You have stolen; lied, cheated... your moral compass is extremely skewed, perhaps even broken. But you rescued my sister from the clutches of Nightmare Moon and you succeeded in doing the right thing in Ponyville. It is apparent to me that you seem to know right from wrong when it counts.

“This is good enough for me to give you a chance.” Celestia just giggled at Rabbit’s flustered expression. “Just, don’t let me catch you getting into any more trouble. Okay?”

“I’ll be discreet.” Rabbit said very slowly. Had he just gotten away with everything there? Celestia seemed to be pretty lenient...

But considering she could just as easily banished him to the freakin’ moon, the teenager decided not to push his luck. Oh, God, these ponies were weird.

“Now,” Celestia flicked back her mane before turning to Luna and Trixie. “Back to this other issue of these two fighting like school fillies.”

“Yeah.” Rabbit agreed, glad to draw attention away from himself. “What’ gives, Trix? Princess Luna stealing away your boyfriend or something?”

Trixie and Luna glanced at each other before looking away blushing. Even Celestia chuckled. It seemed Rabbit was the only one who had no idea how accurate the princess’ analogy was. And realising he was the odd man out, the teenager shrugged.

“What?”

Shaking her head, Celestia moved closer to her sister and Trixie. “Now Luna, what did I say about taking a bipedal form?” she scolded, though not in a very stern voice. She was still in a kind mood, and her small grin didn’t fade. Still, Luna’s pointed ears drooped visibly. “You can’t simply drain your powers so...”

As Celestia went into the finer points of why Luna shouldn’t have done what she did, Rabbit lost interest. Not for lack of actual interest, now his brain had caught up to the situation he could sit there and watch Trixie and Luna mud-wrestle all day. No, it was something more important cropping up that side-tracked the teenager.

There was a distinct crunch in the background. A pebble immediately smacked into the brim of Rabbit’s hat causing him to flinch. Looking down he spotted the grey stone hit the grass beside his right foot. Stooping, he picked it up and looked at it.

The stone was some kind of granite. Perfectly smooth, hollowed out and carved with immaculate detail. It looked like... a toe? More specifically, it was some kind of hawk talon. Hollow though, like something fitted inside.

Three more bits of rock plinked against Rabbit’s hat, causing him to drop the stone and flinch with every strike.

“The hell?” he whispered, turning on the spot to see where the assault was coming from.

What he ended up looking at caused him to blink confoundedly. The bizarre statue towering over him was unlike anything he’d ever seen.

The creature depicted in cold stone looked like a draconic Frankenstein creation. The head of a pony, with a long slender body like that of a snake covered in short fur. It had the goatee of a goat to go with great big bushy eyebrows, one horn from a ram and an antler of a deer perched on the opposite end of his skull. The serpentine tail was adorned with draconic spines and ending in a spiny fin. One arm seemed to have been adopted from an eagle, the other a paw of a lion. One leg came from a goat, and the other leg was that of a lizard. His wings were even contrasting, one stubby little disproportionate wing from a bat, the other a feathery number like that of a Pegasus pony.

All across the surface of the statue were multiple cracks and tears emitting a vibrant white light.

A gasp somewhere behind Rabbit told the teenager Celestia had turned around to see exactly the same. Rabbit glanced over his shoulder to see what Princess Celestia was making of the sight.

“Oh, no.” was all the mighty celestial being could say at the sight.

Looking back to the breaking statue, the human cringed. “Is that bad?”

“That’s dreadful.”

“Oh, good.” Rabbit snarked, his hand inching back towards the handle of his climbing-axe. “My day was lacking in the dreadful department.”

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Characters, Settings, Designs and Themes © to Hasbro and the Respective Owners. Please support the official release.