My name is Trixie Lulamoon, though you may know me as The Great and Powerful Trixie. That is no longer me. I am not great and powerful...I never was. I am afraid; I am alone. I never meant to hurt anypony...it was just a big mistake. I have made many mistakes; bragging about being the most powerful unicorn, the Alicorn Amulet, the list goes on and on. The funny thing is that I know that they were wrong, yet I still make similar mistakes. I can't stand it anymore; I can't stand myself.
How do I continue to believe that I can make excuses for my actions? Nopony believes me anyways. Not that they understand. They never have. I am alone in this world. I believe that I understand how Princess Luna felt when she became Nightmare Moon. She was unappreciated, yes, but she was also alone. She was completely and utterly alone. Even her sister didn't love her, not enough; much like my parents. They always said that they loved me and were proud of me, but I could tell that they were lying. Both of them had gotten into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, but I didn't. That day was the day that disappointment should have radiated from my fur; however, it came from my father the most. I disowned him, not feeling appreciated. My mother understood, but she still treated me differently after that.
I was embarrassed beyond belief that day. I was determined to get better with my magic. I practiced non-stop. One day I got home and my mother gasped, pointing at my flank. I had gotten my cutie-mark. I should have been happy, but I still felt empty. We didn't have enough money for a party; instead, I got a hat and a cape. That made me feel even more empty, even more distant. Eventually I just packed up my things and left. I got into the school, but I left. The halls were too stuffy, the magic too boring.
I'm getting off topic. Today is my birthday. I am spending it alone, like always. Even since I left I have spent my birthdays alone. I'm sure that you may have spent one birthday alone, probably by choice, but every birthday? Torture. No place will accept me. They never have, never will. Not after what I have done to Ponyville. News spreads faster than you can believe in Equestria...faster than I ever thought possible. It spreads like Rainbow Dash doing a sonic rainboom; everypony knew about that, right? I could stay in places after the first "incident", but after the Alicorn Amulet I couldn't find anywhere. It seems that everypony was afraid that I would go all evil on them. I told them that I wouldn't, promised that I changed...guess how that turned out. I am alone; I don't have anything except for my hat and cloak.
I wanted to come back to Ponyville, but, well, I always bring bad luck with me. I can never save you from myself. If everypony realized that the Evil was inside them then Equestria might make some progress. Sadly, I found out too late. Maybe they shouldn't know; it breaks you. You see life differently, you cannot do anything the same, ever. I can't stand it...life is too hard, too long, to harsh.
I can hear the whispers of ponies as they gossip. I can feel them hating me. Life is just too much.
Have you ever had a hard life? Probably not, at least not in the way that I have. Honestly, I wish that I hadn't left my family. Family does matter. They are the reason that you are here. Family is like a butterfly. One minute it is there and you love it, the next it is gone and you want to strangle it.
Each breathe that I take pains me. I am a waste of space, yet something keeps me here writing. Something is tying me to this land, tying me to reality. My spirit is ready to be free, ready to fly free.
Flight. You know how that feels, don't you? I hear that you aren't very good at it. I can imagine you flapping about like the legendary sea-birds. Oh, the sea! I have always wanted to go! So much that I haven't done, that I haven't felt. I haven't felt warm sand between my hooves, or snow...I haven't felt love.
Ponies say that love is what you need. Maybe that's my problem. I don't have love; therefore I feel empty.
Emptiness. There are two equally good definitions. The first is the state of containing nothing. The second is the quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness. My life is described by both. I haven't felt truly alive since I have been challenged. I'm not living; I'm surviving. There is a difference. If you don't know what it is then you better figure it out, it may save you one day.
Pain. This one has three definitions. Definition one is physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc. Definition two is a distressing sensation in a particular part of the body. Definition three is mental or emotional suffering or torment. All apply. I relish pain; it gives spice in my life of monotony.
You are probably wondering why I am writing to you. Honestly, it's because you are the only pony that has even a slight understanding of what I'm going through. You feel the pain. You are the only one left; my mother died, my father is in an asylum, all because of me. Because of stupid me. I hate myself right now for writing this. I should just do it, and let go. The pain is too much...you get it. I can tell that you do. I want you to know who I am. I want you to know that I'm not always the Great and Powerful Trixie...I'm just Trixie. I'm like you...I could've been you if I had pulled through in magic school...but you deserve it so much more than I do.
Life is getting old. I want to leave, yet I keep writing. I keep going. Why? Why continue something that brings no joy? Am I having second thoughts? Of course not...I just want you to remember me...not for the "incidents", but for who I really am. I suppose that that's what everypony wants; it's part of out essential illness. Good-bye, have a nice life.
Instructions for when found:
1) Cremate body
2) Get letter and place with ashes
3) Send to Princess Twilight Sparkle
I thank you,
Trixie Lulamoon
