Apples of the Variety Kind
"Yee-Haw!" The cry rang out above the orchard, the mare belonging to the voice stampeding out from a row of trees like hellfire in a mason jar. Coming to a rest before an unusually bare tree, Applejack stared at her brother, who sat before the trunk, perplexed.
"What's got yer bonnet in a twist, Mac?" Applejack punched her brother's shoulder lightly, chuckling. He remained still. "Mac?"
"Every fruit is æppels..." The gargantuan stallion murmured.
"I beg your pardon, every fruit is what?" Applejack spun Macintosh around, the look of stunned realization monopolizing the stoic stallion's face.
"Apples..." Mac mumbled once more, his gravelly voice shaking the loose soil beneath him. "Oranges. Bananas. Peaches. Every fruit is æppels."
Applejack backed up slowly. "Uh, okay there, Mac. Listen, I'm gonna go an' get ya a glass o' cider. It should clear your head alright." Glancing back at the stallion warily, Applejack retreated to the farmhouse, gathering a small keg of the family's cider. Arriving back to Macintosh, the stallion had taken to wrapping his hooves around the flimsy trunk of the fruitless tree, eyes splayed and mouth moving out of sync with the sounds he produced. Applejack struggled to force a mug of cider into his hooves, the fanatical look only growing as the scent overtook the pair.
"Mmm. Æppels." Mac reached out for the keg, taking it in his hooves and chugging the whole thing. Applejack hadn't seen such fervent chugging since the year she bet a week of chores he couldn't handle Pinkie's Hottest-Cupcake-In-Forever-Actually-Wait-It's-The-First-Hottest-Cupcake-But-Still!, and he'd drained the town well minutes later. Belching, Mac rose, and pointed to the tree. The tree's branches had begun to sprout leaves of different shapes, the flowers blooming in numerous colors and filling the air with a sickly-sweet stench. As the rapid-growth progressed, Mac's eyes only grew larger, his lips dripping drool as he anticipated the event. Soon, flowers sprouted into apples. Applejack realized a moment later - and with a considerable shock - that bananas and pears had begun to sprout within the numerous branches. She could only watch as the supposed apple tree sprouted fruits of all types, a twinge of annoyance pestering her mind when the succulent fuzz of a peach materialized besides a rather well-endowed watermelon.
'This better not be Twilight's doing, or I swear, she'll have more than just the head in her bed this time.' Raising up a pair of protective hooves, she deflected most of the ensuing fruit avalanche as the tree bestowed her limbs, back, and the surrounding ground with fruits of all sorts. A peach rolled before her, the poor fruit meeting soil thanks to the propulsion of the orange hoof above it. "Damned peaches." Applejack fought through the pile of fruits falling from the tree, her sight filled with a myriad of colors and flavors. The fruits swirled, coalescing around a lone figure amidst the chaos, its pink mane staying poofy despite the handful of oranges ravaging its strands. The figure's muzzle poked out of the fruit storm, a banana encased in its mouth, before disappearing into the gaping maw of Pinkie Pie as she emerged, a hat of fruits assembled atop her head.
"How'd you like those Æppels?"
"What in the wide world of Equestria are ya doin', makin' a mess of things in my orchard, Pinks?" Applejack facehooved, her brother buried up to his neck on fruits, the dazed look on his face priceless in any other situation.
"But Applejack! Every fruit is Æppels!" Pinkie exclaimed, throwing a banana into the farmer's hooves with a smile. She tossed them into the air, one at a time. "Æppel of Paradis! FingerÆppels! Pomme de terre's!" Pinkie exclaimed, tossing a banana, a box of dates, and a sack of potatoes into Applejack's open hooves, the mare struggling to keep up with Pinkie's explanation.
"I just don't know what you're talking about, Pinks, your prank won't get me this time." Applejack began gathering the fallen fruit around Macintosh into a pile, the stallion lazily suckling on an orange.
"Mmph. Apelsin." Macintosh murmured.
"What in the hay do y'all mean by all this 'Æppel-speak'?" Applejack stared quizzically at Pinkie, the latter having yanked Princess Twilight out of the nearest tree hole, much to the Princess' surprise.
"Wha-Buh-Pinkie?!" Twilight sputtered, glancing back and forth before shrugging. "Huh. Those painkillers from Zecora sure kick in fast."
"Tell her, Twilight! Every fruit is Æppels!" Pinkie blurted, her hooves flailing in the direction of Applejack.
"Apples? Oh, wait, do you mean Æppels? That's...technically true." Twilight poked her chin a few times, recalling book facts from her recent reads. "Ancient Equestrians believed all fruits to be apples, since it was the first true crop in these lands. Of course, it's spelled slightly differently." The alicorn shrugged, glancing about at the numerous fruits, recognizing the one atop Macintosh's now-slumbering muzzle. "Ah, the Æppel of Paradis. Banana by any other name, but an Æppel all the same..." Twilight trailed off, looking confused before facing the exit to the orchards. "I've got to return to the library, because somepony, and I'm not naming names here -"
"Oh, goodie, because I really like my name. Or was it mane? I think it's both." Pinkie said, interrupting Twilight once more.
"...Er, yes, well. I shall leave you mares to it. Good day, and happy Æppeling!" The Princess disappeared in a flash, Applejack's eyes still blinking, trying to awaken from the dream obviously taking place before her.
She picked up her hat, looking about at the scene before her - one she would rather be rid of - and turned tail for the farmhouse, mumbling to herself.
"Every fruit is Æppels...and every villain is lemons...and if lemons are a fruit..." No... Applejack sped off toward town, her eyes wide with shock. "Twii~liight! I've been breeding villains!" Her hoofsteps faded into the distance.
"...Again...!"
Author's Note
I don't even know. Quite what it says on the tin. A play on Roman times :3
