Bard of Book Reviews

by mr lovecolt

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Romance, Princess Luna
Length: 2353

The Equestrian royalty meet a book reviewer

Cadance, Celestia, Shining Armor, and Twilight Sparkle are enjoying tea when the Bard of Book Reviews (or Bob, to his friends) breaks into their room. He then proceeds to explain to Twilight Sparkle that not all books are special.

Let's all do what we can to let Bob know we care, people. As far as the gift fic goes, I tried to utilize his penchant for absurdity.

Published 2014-11-17 19:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-17 19:30:07 UTC

Sponges Are Moist

Author's Note

Sponges Are Moist

It was a beautiful day in Canterlot. And how could it not be? Even this early in the morning, Princess Cadance could see (from the balcony of her aunt’s castle, of course) all of the little ponies scurrying off to work with smiles on their muzzles. She noticed that the stallions trotted through the streets with proud gleams in their eyes, and that the mares all walked with a giddiness in their gaits. Even some of the more effeminate stallions were walking a little silly that morning. She levitated a saucer to her lips and drew a breath over the brim of her freshly brewed tea.

“I love rutting season,” she mused to herself. She turned to the gardens and was delighted to see a flock of finches furiously fornicating in a fir. Their ecstatic warbling wafted through the air like a well-tuned hip hop song by some zebra whose name she hadn’t had the opportunity to learn, “don’t you agree, dear?”

Behind her, Shining Armor nodded emphatically. She sighed and left the balcony to return to Princess Celestia’s private quarters, where said aunt was already seated with her sister-in-law, Twilight Sparkle.

“I agree,” Twilight Sparkle added, “rutting season is an excellent time to study friendship. Rainbow Dash says that she is going to teach me a new lesson about friendship later on today when I visit her. Something about being friends with benefits,” she chuckled, “friendship is already a benefit in and of itself, so I cannot wait to see what she has in store for me.”

“Do you think you could write the friendship report for me by tonight?” Princess Celestia, who, upon hearing her former student's comment, had suddenly decided to place both of her hooves beneath the table, “I do think I would enjoy reading it ever so much.”

“Of course, Your Highness. I’ll be sure to not leave any details out.”

As the gathering of Equestrian royalty continued to sip their tea, Cadance took notice of the one member who was not in attendance. Technically, there were two members who were missing, but none of the ponies there minded that Prince Blueblood was currently tied up in the basement of a certain unicorn’s boutique and was currently being prodded at with pushpins and scissors. As she quietly slurped the liquid down her gullet, she wondered if by day’s end there would be yet another princess in Equestria, courtesy of Miss Rarity.

“And where is Luna?” Shining Armor asked, as though reading his wife’s thoughts.

“My sister said that she had to find somepony who had arrived in Canterlot,” Celestia replied as a faint blush began to creep up her neck and to her cheeks, “she said that it was of the utmost importance that she find him.”

Before anypony had a chance to finish their next swallow, the doors burst open and a yellow stallion barged in, huffing and puffing, and shut the door behind him.

“Oh, for the love of Cadance!” Princess Celestia shouted, her hooves emerging from beneath the table, “what is the meaning of this?”

Cadance saw the stallion turn around, and when he saw who was in the room, his eyes widened. As he regained his composure, Cadance took a moment to appraise his appearance. Now, Cadance, more than anypony, knew not to judge a pony by the color of their coat, but there was something highly off-putting about the severe yellowness of his being. It was one of the reasons why she never felt comfortable around Fluttershy, and it was also one of the reasons why the only creature she used her love magic on was Discord to put him together with her. Needless to say, Cadance learned quickly that she didn’t even need to use her magic when it came to those two. They were like the dirigible outside set on autopilot; it was a ship that sailed itself.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the stallion said in a rather grating voice, “I’m just hiding from somepony.”

Not wanting to reveal the ridiculousness of the situation, Shining Armor asked the second most obvious question he could think of, the first being ‘what is wrong with your teeth’.

“What product do you use in your mane?”

“Oh, not much, just some jellyfish oil,” the stallion laughed, causing Cadance’s eye to involuntarily twitch, “and I do apologize, it's just that some ponies don't like what I do. I’m a book reviewer, you see. Some ponies call me the Bard of Book Reviews, but my friends just call me Bob.”

“I see,” Twilight Sparkle replied as she nervously munched on the strands of her mane that were unfortunate enough to have grown long enough to reach her muzzle, “I love books, so it’s great to find another book lover.”

“I wouldn’t say I love books,” Bob said, “some books are awful and deserve to be punished.”

“No!” she cried as she leaped out of the chair and tackled the stallion, “books are all beautiful! They’re like the author’s children, special in their own way!”

Bob scrambled out of the insane alicorn’s grasp and stood up once more. “I beg to differ, Your Highness. For I have seen some pretty bad books.”

“Why don’t you tell us about it?” Celestia said as she sniffed her hooves.

“Where are my manners?” Bob said, “I can tell you through an elaborate musical number!” Bob opened the door again and shouted down the hall, “hey guys, help me out!”

A moment later, an entourage of ponies galloped into the room, carrying an assortment of instruments. One grey mare, in particular, noticed Shining Armor. Her eyes narrowed.

“Prince Shining Armor.” she hissed.

“Oh, hi, Octavia.”

“You know her?” Cadance asked.

“He taught me how to play flute.” Octavia said before Shining Armor had the chance to say something stupid with his big, fat, stupid mouth. Stupid, fat-flanked stallion, with his stupid blue mane and tail, she thought, I hate him. I HATE HIM!

“But you are holding a cello.”

“Let’s just say being a flautist doesn’t interest me anymore, and leave it at that.”

“Anyway!” Bob shouted, “here we go!” The band started to play while Bob began hopping on the furniture.

Because it is in my purview to give a decent book review
I taught myself the rules of spelling, grammar, and good plotlines, too
I know comedic timing and poetical rules of rhyming
From iambic pentameter to decent joke parameters
I’ve judged some horrors horrible and called them indefensible
And do not get me started on romances so nonsensical
Such atrocious shipping that I have seen in all Equestria…

“Equestria… Equestria, Equestria...” he said, tapping his hoof against his chin, “ah, I’ve got it!”

Like Braeburn with a Wonderbolt or one about Twilestia.

Cadance heard the sound of somepony spitting out their morning tea. She turned around and saw that both Celestia and Twilight Sparkle had their mouths covered and that Shining Armor sat in between them, covered in tea with a blank look on his face.

Of course I never would mean to push a personal point of view
But if I could say just one thing and I believe it to be true
For somepony as smart as me this is an easy thing to do
Because it is in my purview to give a decent book review

Shining Armor leaned forward and tapped on his wife’s shoulder. “Hey,” he whispered, “who is ‘Twilestia’?” he saw Cadance reach up to her temples and close her eyes.

A recent story I fear did deal with one Starswirl the Bearded
So badly out of character I thought the author was braindead
But then I found a far worse one about Discord’s redemption
I do not understand why Fluttershy is always shipped with him
But let us all now go back to how to give a good book review
The simple rule of storytelling I will now bestow to you
I do not wish to start some drama but learn how to use a comma-

“Comma?” Bob muttered to himself, “oh, tartar sauce. Of all the… wait a minute… wait… oh yes!”

The second pony point of view makes me check my head for trauma

The door burst open and an orange pegasus in a guard uniform two sizes too big charged into the room.

“Did somepony say head trauma?” he asked, “need I call the nurse?”

“Get out of here!” Shining Armor shouted as he hurled a teacup at the stallion, “nopony likes you!”

The guard pony frowned and lowered his head to the floor. He turned around and trod slowly back out the door, too sad to notice Twilight Sparkle blushing madly behind her brother, fanning herself with a napkin.

I have written furiously stories simply glorious
And have found writers that I have described as meritorious
For somepony as smart as me this is an easy thing to do
Because it is in my purview to give a decent book review

For somepony as smart as you it is an easy thing to do
Because it is in your purview to give a decent book review

Celestia slowly turned her head to the side and allowed her eyes to slowly move up Cadance’s body to her muzzle, which was clasped shut by Shining Armor’s hooves with what appeared to be as much strength as he could muster.

I differentiate rule thirty-four from gender bendening
And I can tell at sight a simple shipping from a cloppening
When tropes turn into bad cliches you know I will have none of that
I have no qualms with telling authors what things they are lacking at
Through my reviews I tell my readers how to find good books to read
My skills in book reviewing are quite simply of a better breed
To me, improving book ideas is something that comes easily

Bob tapped his hoof on the floor. “Easily? Easily.”

Regardless, any author would be silly not to think of me

Shining Armor’s ear twitched. He could hear a rumbling in the distance. He looked over to the window and saw that the panes were starting to rattle. This isn’t good, he thought.

For literary knowledge, the one thing that I can dare of you
To find another one like me is too impossible to do
For somepony as smart as me this is an easy thing to do
Because it is in my purview to give a decent book review

As Bob finished the song while standing on top of the table that the other ponies were trying to finish their tea on, the rumbling grew louder. They all looked up in shock as the roof itself was ripped off of the building and hurled across Canterlot. In the distance, they could all hear the sound of the roof crashing against another building and a mare crying out the name “Jet Set” in the streets. They would have gone to help, obviously, were it not for the fact that everypony in the room was paralyzed in fear at the sight of Princess Luna hovering over their heads, levitating a pair of hacksaws, a butcher knife, and a series of hypodermic needles that read things like 'Pony AIDS' and 'Zebrascegee Experiment' in her telekinetic grasp. Her eyes glowed white, and her teeth had elongated into fangs.

“YOU!” she shouted at Bob using her Canterlot voice, “SO-CALLED BARD OF BOOK REVIEWS!”

“Bob.”

“YES! BOB!” she sneered, “HOW DARE THEE JUDGE MINE SHORT STORY UNACCEPTABLE FOR PUBLISHING! MY STORY WAS FLAWLESS! SURELY IT IS THINE OWN PREJUDICES AGAINST FEMALE LOVE WHICH HATH MARRED THOU’S JUDGMENT! THINE PRIVILEGE HATH NOT BEEN THOROUGHLY CHECKED!”

“With all due respect, Your Highness, the characters just didn’t seem believable to me,” Bob trotted through the patch of petrified ponies and plunked his plot on the plush pillow of the loveseat, “you didn’t give me a reason to believe that Princess Decadence and Princess Beaming Shield would knowingly have sex with Beaming Shield's sister, Dawning Sprinkle.”

Cadance, Shining Armor, and Twilight Sparkle visibly blanched. Luna, for her part, hurled the needles in Bob’s direction, but at the moment, the door opened once more and that stupidly colored pegasus trotted back into the room with that stupid smile on his stupid muzzle and got what he so righteously deserved as the needles pierced his flesh. As he struggled to breathe, he leaned forward and whispered into Bob’s ear.

“Cool story, bro.”

And then the idiot pegasus died. The only pony in all of Equestria who was saddened at this was Twilight Sparkle, who shook herself out of her stupor and galloped to his side, landing next to him and placing her absolutely perfect lips on his abomination of an oral cavity, thus sullying her very being with his essence.

“My husbando!”

“Well, this was fun,” Bob said as he beat the dead horse on his way out, “but I gotta go.” Bob’s laughter continued down the hall, echoing through the castle. Its pitch grew higher and higher, until the remaining stained glass windows shattered from the sound. Luna, still holding the hacksaws and knife, charged through the hall in pursuit.

“I SHALL WRECK THEE, BOB!”

Cadance and Celestia looked at one another, then at the scene around them. The sound of Twilight Sparkle’s sobs continued to rise through the room, but Celestia took no notice of that, instead deciding to focus on a single teacup that hadn’t been destroyed in the mayhem. She levitated the cup to her lips and took a final sip. She finally turned to a nearby cabinet and opened it, and a bottle of whiskey rose through the air. She opened it and began to chug the whiskey greedily, unaware of Cadance's look of sheer horror and Shining Armor's gaze of pure adoration.

“So, Cadance,” she asked once the bottle was empty, “wanna make out?”

Cadance shrugged, and moments later, they were writhing on the floor, their tongues mashing against one another. Shining Armor wept tears of joy at the sight.

“I love rutting season!”