Mental Barfing

by The Hybrid Changeling

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Drama, Comedy, Crossover, Tragedy, Random
Length: 14741

Stuff I write when I have writer's block.

Most None of these aren't even MLP related anymore.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-15 15:11:00 UTC

Toilet Humor

Twilight clenched her teeth in determination. She'd gotten herself into this predicament, so she'd get herself out of it. She squirmed, wriggling her backside left and right rhythmically.

It was no use.

She was stuck.

"Spike!" She called out into the hallway, "send a letter to Princess Celestia!"

Celestia was enjoying her evening tea, when suddenly a scroll burst into existence in front of her. Curious, she levitated to her and unfurled it.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I fell in the toilet again.

Please send help.

Your butt-hurt student,

Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia shook her head in disappointment.

"Oh, my dear Twilight," she murmured to herself, "why must you always be the butt of the joke?"

Quiet Laughter

Pinkie Pie snickered.

"Tha' pony's nuts..." Muttered Applejack.

Who?

I turned to Owlicious.

"Hu lives here?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied.

My Unquiet Gurney

Mawr tossed and turned, causing the gurney to squeak and whine even more. She sighed.

"Dammit, Hybrid," she muttered to herself, "I said unquiet journey, not... Whatever this is."

Cloud Saving

"Hybrid!" Yelled Cloud as I mashed his face against my monitor, "what the buck are you doing?!"

"I'm trying to save to the cloud!"

"Your jokes suck!"

"Shut up! Or I'll edit you out of your story!"

"What?! How does that even work?!" I thought to myself for a second. "Stop trying to think of more jokes for this!"

"Shut up! You had sexy butt times with yourself!"

"Only because you made me do it!"

Princess Celestia Finds A Sandwich In A Toilet (Epilogue)

"Thank you doctor, I will be going now." I forced my butt out of the chair and began to walk off.

"So soon? You've barely arrived!"

"I know," I put on sunglasses, "but..."

"Uh, Princess? Why are you just standing there staring at a wall?"

"Shut up, Rib! I'm trying to look cool!"

Twixi

"Hey, Cloud," I called out into the hallway, "come and look at this!" Cloud slowly walked into the room.

"If this is another terrible pun-" He suddenly stopped a his eyes fell on the crate next to me. "What's that?"

"Twixi shipping!"

"What?" He walked up to the crate and opened it.

"Buck this, I'm out."

The Unquiet Journey

"I have no choice," Mawr explained to herself, "I must-"

Youtube Video

"FOR BUCK'S SAKE, HYBRID!"

DFS

Sale On Everything!

"Oh good," I said to myself, "I needed a new planet buster." I walked into the store to buy myself a new death weapon.

I stared down at the molten slag that used to be Earthquestria.

"I guess you could say," I put on my sunglasses, "there was D.F.S. Death For Some-but-apparently-not-all-because-I-somehow-survived-this!"

Dit

"What should I do with this?" Asked Noodle as I handed him a book.

"Dit it again," I replied.

"Dit?"

"Yes, do a dit again."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm saying you should," I put on sunglasses, "re a dit."

Youtube Video

Dit (2)

Ird spotted the shiny, black suitcase in my grasp.

"What's in there?" He asked. I laid the suitcase down onto the floor.

"I need you to do something," I said, ignoring the question.

"Okay, what?"

"Inside this," I tapped the suitcase, "there is a story. I need you to add something to it."

"What do you need me to add?"

"A dit."

"Didn't Noodle already add a dit to it twice?" I pointed to the suitcase.

"In that case," I put on sunglasses, "re re a dit."

Youtube Video

Jump Scares

I jumped then opened the fridge next to me.

"OH BUCK I'M OUTTA CHEESE- Oh wait no I'm not. Jeez, that scared me."

Youtube Video

Jurassic Heart

Noodle leapt onto the back of a nearby T-Rex and rode it towards the Mecha-Pone that had taken Ird hostage.

"Noodle!" Cried Ird, who was dangling over a vat of acid. "Help me!"

"I will, Baby," Noodle replied smoothly, donning his shades. "Right after I vine whip this guy's ass!"

"It's too late, Spaghetti Plant!" Screamed the pilot of the Mecha-Pone. "I will be the Tweh Weh master! And to do that, Ird must die!"

"No! I'll tell you what will happen! I will save Ird, I will destroy your Mecha-Ponyta and you will fail!" Noodle threw his T-Rex at the Mecha-Pone and the T-Rex crunched down hard on the cockpit until only a bite mark remained.

Noodle cut Ird down with razor leaf, and then he spearowed her jigglypuff until they were both bulbasaur. But like a true gentlepokeman, he squirtled outside.

THE END

Dicksword

"ARGH, MY EYES!" I screamed as Discord stabbed me in the eye. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!"

"An alternate version of yourself is making it so in an alternate universe!" Exclaimed Discord.

"FUCK YOU, ME!"

Elemental

"Oh great, you make the spirit of social anxiety the leader of the friendship warriors."

"Bugger, it's going to be hard to extort Ponies and sell at high prices now!"

"I have hundreds of fetishes! Shit! Fuckin' elements!"

"It's gonna be hard to plead 'not guilty' in court if I keep laughing like this!"

"Oh no, now I can't finish getting that restraining order against Pinkie..."

"Oh dear, now that I'm the element of kindness, I can't torture my animal slaves anymore..."

"Fuck you, Celestia!"

A Celestial Order

Luna walked into Celestia's room to find her reading a newspaper.

"What is wrong, sister?" Asked the moon goddess. Celestia sighed and put the paper down.

"For some reason," she started in reply, "religious nuts believe that they need to censor all kinds of sexual things from the youth to prevent them from doing the ham-ramming."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure, but I need to sort this out. Prepare a city wide announcement."

Celestia stood upon the stage, with everypony in Canterlot looking up at her.

"Everypony!" She declared. "I have an announcement to make!" There was a dramatic pause. "Feel free to fuck each other's brains out!" The crowd cheered before devolving into a city-wide orgy.

DanganVesper 2: Goodbye Despair, Hello Pain [Part 1]

Vesper suddenly found herself in a wibbly place, staring at a floating door. She frowned.

"How did I get from Pizza Shit to here?" She asked herself. She suddenly had a strong urge to walk through the door in front of her, but ignored it as she noticed she was once again a type one human. "Ugh... Again?" There was no reply since she didn't feel like talking to herself. "Welp, may as well make the most of it this time." She pulled off her clothing and made use of her fingers.

It was some time later and Vesper was getting close to losing consciousness.

"I'm about to pass out from dehydration, so now's a good time to stop," she said to herself. "Wow, I've been talking to myself a lot more since that event that might not have happened yet 'cause the author doesn't know when this is set." She shrugged. "I guess I should just go through the door."

She walked towards the door but, before she could reach it, slipped in some mysterious liquids that weren't in the last scene. She fell through the doorway and smashed her head against the ground.

"Huh?" Said a voice Vesper didn't recognise. "Another one?"

"W-Why is she naked?!" Squealed another voice Vesper didn't recognise.

"Shut up, you Tweh Weh fangirl!" Shouted another voice Vesper didn't recognise.

"What's that stuff all over her hands and legs?" Asked another voice Vesper didn't recognise. "Wait a minute...! I-Is that-?!"

"I'll help her up!" Yet another voice Vesper didn't recognise exclaimed gleefully. It was just then that Vesper decided to climb to her feet. She got up just in time to see a short male human in a chef's hat running towards her with berry juice shooting out of his nose. She suddenly realised that the pink stuff wasn't berry juice at all and was in fact blood. Why is it pink? Does this universe want to lower it's age rating or something? 'Cause I just ruined any chance of that.

Before the mini-chef could reach her, a pink rabbit-wizard exploded onto a teacher's desk.

No, really.

"Oh," Vesper said to herself, "we're doin' this shit again." She tried clicking her fingers to summon fire, but the liquids made it impossible. Damn, and I don't have any clothes to wipe this onto either... "Hey, do any of you have a towel or a box of Kleenex or something?"

To be continued...

DanganVesper 2: Goodbye Despair, Hello Pain [Part 2]

After taking the hat off of the chef and using it to mop up her... Mess, Vesper decided to listen to what the next stuffed animal had to say.

"Oh no!" It exclaimed in an annoyed voice. "W-Were those fluids-?!"

"Just get the fuck on with it," Vesper interrupted. The rabbit-wizard looked depressed.

"That's not very nice, you know..." Oh for...!

"You have ten seconds to talk." The rabbit-wizard panicked and started explaining.

One explanation later, the walls of the classroom fell down to reveal a beach on an island. Vesper groaned.

"Um..." Said the now hat-less chef. "Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-What?!"

"This is a joke, right?" Asked the pink haired guy.

"Wh-Where are we?!" Screamed a girl resembling Twilight. Wait, Twilight? Before Vesper could call out to her, a girl with a camera spoke loudly.

"Huh?! Wh-What's going on?!"

"Everyone!" Called the rabbit-wizard. "Please stay calm!" And so began an onslaught of talking from everyone at once. Nothing that any of the humans said was very interesting to Vesper, so she started playing around with her mohawk. That is, until a white-haired human wearing a dull-green coat spoke up.

"Perhaps..." He began. "You brought us to this island to make us kill each other...?!" It was this that reminded Vesper of why she wanted to wipe off her... Mess in the first place. She clicked her fingers to summon a ball of blue flame before hurling it at the white-haired human. There's his reward for reminding me... Before the Fire Bolt could impact him, it was deflected by the staff the rabbit-wizard was holding.

"What are you doing?!" The rabbit-wizard screamed. "Why are you trying to hurt people?!" Without answering, Vesper summoned two Support Circles, one above and one below the rabbit. She forced them towards each other, crushing the rabbit into a metal cylindar.

Before anyone could react to the kinda-sorta-not-really-murder, the sky was suddenly overcast with the darkest of clouds. Wait a minute... Clouds in the sky make it overcast? Fucking hell, my name is a sex joke... A familiar bear appeared from who-fucking-cares.

"M-!" He tried to say before cutting himself off at the sight of Vesper. "Oh fuck, not you again..."

Dirty Thoughts

I looked down at my hooves and realised the holes weren't big enough.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

Teeth

I floated the steak to my mouth but stopped when I realised that it wouldn't fit due to my canines being bigger than my ears.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

Tail

I tried to slot my tail into the hole in my chair but stopped when I realised it wouldn't fit.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

Nintendo

I tried to exercise using the Wii, but realised I didn't have WiiFit.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

DanganVesper 2: Goodbye Despair, Hello Pain [Part 5]

A lot of arguing later, Vesper finally had Twilight on the line.

"Hello?" Asked Twilight, confused how a phone could be in Equestria.

"Twilight?" Vesper asked back.

"Wait, Vesper? How do you have a phone?"

"That's not important right- Wait, how do you know what a phone is?"

"I literally have a portal to a Human world lying around in my castle."

"Fair enough. I'm finally talking to you and it sounds like the author is getting a sense of time going so I'm not gonna question how you know this much."

"Uh..."

"Speaking of portals, I'm trapped in a parallel universe again." Twilight sighed. This sort of thing happened way too often to be surprising anymore. "You should be able to use this phone connection to either build a portal or get Dicklord to get me out of here, right?"

"Yeah, there shouldn't be a problem with that."

"Good. From the sound of things, we're in the third story so you can get Protagonist Three to help you with the portal."

"He's out right now buying oil for his legs."

"Damn. I guess you'll have to go to Dicklord then."

"Yeah. Don't worry, we'll get you out soon."

"Thank buck for that. Oh, there's a bit of a problem though."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm inside a simulation. I'm not sure how badly that'll slow him down, if at all, but just a heads up."

"Alright, I'll get to him right away."

"Thanks, Ass-tral." Vesper hung up the phone and put it into her pocket. I need to find out what happened while I was out... Vesper walked over to the cabin's door and opened it, revealing the cabin area from DR2 that I can't be bothered to describe.

Vesper checked her mailbox and discovered a letter. She read it.

No really.

She honestly did.

It's the last thing you'd expect but it really happened, yo.

'Yo' didn't really work there, did it?

It won't be a thing I'll use again.

Still, it's good to try new things.

Anyway, the letter said some shit.

go to th e fuckin food thing or whtaeveer..

As she finished reading, Vesper noticed the white haired fuck-face from earlier standing in front of her.

"The fuck do you want?" She asked. Fuck-face laughed stupidly.

"Hi, we met earlier but I think we got off on the wrong foot! My name's N-!"

"Why the fuck would a Human get off with their feet? Actually, never mind, I just remembered the internet..." She shuddered. "Anyway, go fuck yourself. I want you dead. Don't act so demented." Fuck-face frowned.

"I-" He was muted before he could continue. Monokuma popped a boner out of nowhere.

"Jeez, is that guy annoying!" He/it/I don't FUCKING CARREE exclaimed.

"Fuck you, Monokuma!" Growled Vesper. "As soon as I figure out how to open the dev's console, you're fucking dead!"

"Puhuhuhuhu, feeling feisty, are we? Although, you remind me of something I'm confused about."

"I will ram my fist-!"

"How did you do that spiny kick thing when, as far as the author has planned, you've never been trained to fight as a Human?"

"-DOWN YOUR INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID THROAT!"

"It doesn't really make much sense to me."

"I WILL GRAB YOUR LARGE INTESTINES-!"

"You would have to be really well balanced."

"-RIP THEM OUT OF YOUR BODY-!"

"It's overpowered that you can just do that for no reason."

"-AND STRANGLE YOU WITH THEM!"

"And now you're quoting Dan Vs." Vesper shrugged.

"What can I say? It's a good show. Well, was." Monokuma snickered.

"I'll let you onto a little secret!" Vesper frowned, not liking where he was going. "I was the one who cancelled Dan Vs!"

Vesper snapped.

Monokuma disappeared before Vesper could do anything, but that didn't stop her from taking out her anger on Fuck-face.

DanganVesper 2: Goodbye Despair, Hello Pain [Part 6]

Vesper went to the cafeteria and everyone introduced themselves to her.

Boom.

Easy scene skip through laziness.

"Hinata-senpai!" Exclaimed Fuck-face. Hajime groaned and ignored him. "Notice me, Hinata-senpai!"

"No, fuck off," he replied. Fuck-face went psycho mode.

"Oh, how could such a worthless being such as me even think about getting attention from someone as great as-!"

"FOR FUCKS SAKE, NAGITO, STOP DOING THIS EVERY TWENTY MINUTES!"

"NOTICE ME, SENPAI!"

"NO, FUCK OFF!"

Meanwhile, in the corner of the cafeteria, Vesper was wondering what to do while she waited for Dicklord. Suddenly, an idea came to mind. She stood up and threw the most basic of fireballs at Fuck-face.

DESTRUCTION INCREASED TO 2.

I'm gonna challenge myself to see if I can become strong enough to kill everyone here before I'm saved!

DanganVesper 2: Goodbye Despair, Hello Pain [Part 7]

She failed.

THE END.

Canterlot Education

Twilight farted.

"I shit myself!" She exclaimed happily.

Canterlot Education 2 - Electric Boogapoo

Spike was standing behind her.

Context

Sunset pulled out her phone and gasped.

"What's wrong?" Asked Pinkie. "Didja get a text from a con artist?" Sunset shook her head.

"The banana shoes are people!" She exclaimed before running off into the distance.

"The author made a joke about the word itself and not what it sounds like? Weird..."

Discord

I looked up from the piano.

"Dis chord?" I asked, pointing at the keys. The instructor shook their head.

"No," they replied, "dat chord." They pointed to another place.

"Wait, which chord?" The instructor rolled their eyes and pointed again.

"Dis chord." I groaned.

"Fuck it, this is chaos!" I flipped the piano and then flipped the bird.

"Come on, there's no need for that," said the bird.

Hurdy

"Hurrr durrrrrr!" Yelled Applejack.

"Applejack, just stop," said Pinkie in a serious tone.

"Sorry..."

Hurdy Durdy

"Ah've got apples up mah burt!" Shouted Applejack.

"Applejack, seriously, just stop," said Twilight, looking bored.

"Sorry..." There was a soft plopping as the apples came out.

Hurdy Durdy Xurdy

"Ah jus' fucked a tree!" Shouted Applejack.

"Applejack, shut the fuck up," said Rainbow Dash.

"Sorry..."

Hurdy Durdy Xurdy Purdy

Applejack exploded.

"Applejack, get the fuck out," said Rarity. Applejack unmelted.

"Sorry..."

Hurdy Durdy Xurdy Purdy Fnurdy

"Hello, Fluttershy," greeted Applejack, "how was your day, my good friend?"

"GO DIE IN A FIRE," Fluttershy replied.

"Sorry..."

Butt Stuff Deluxe

I looked at the script.

"No, I'm not doing that," I said.

Nuts

I opened the bag of nuts Applejack gave me. They weren't the kind of nuts I thought they were.

"Applejack, what the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked calmly.

"My mother is Big Mac!" She exclaimed.

"Oh."

Assjack

"Ah'm the butt of every joke!" She yelled at a mailbox.

stram gam

P: "Oh for fuck's sake..."

P: "I'd better go and tell the others."

"You go out into the hallway and immediately see Namgam just standing there."

"You walk up to him."

P: "Namgam, another guy's dead."

N: "Oh."

"There's an awkward silence."

"It goes on for a long time."

"You two are just sort of standing there."

N: "Italian Spiderman isn't dead, he's faking it."

P: "Oh."

"There's another awkward silence."

"It also goes on for a long time."

"You two are just sort of standing there again."

P: "Does the writing suddenly seem shittier to you?"

D: "That's 'cause he's writing this for a while."

N: "Yeah."

P: "Oh."

P: "When did you even get here?"

"She shrugs."

"There's yet another awkward silence."

"It goes on for the longest time."

"You three are just sort of standing there."

N: "Spiderman's probably dead by now."

P: "I thought you said he was faking?"

D: "Yeah, but then Luna killed him."

P: "Oh."

"There's one last awkward silence before you go to the class trial."

"Monokuma just traveled back in time, ate all the grapes, waited until now, and then drank the wine in his stomach."

Monokuma: "ueovfbqv vhoie;nsa rvfjapieddjnipsamavdsij wavhipn'"

Monokuma: "poiuytrewqwertyuiopoi 86348764612 frhiopnar"

Monokuma: "ygygyygygygygygyyygygygygygygygygygygygygygygyggygygygygyggygygy"

Monokuma: "Tweh weh"

N: "It was Luna."

D: "Yeah."

Batman: "Okay."

"Luna dies."

next chapter maaarrrrk

"It was a beautiful day."

"Probably."

"I mean, the windows are covered up."

"So you can't really tell."

"Namgam and Cube come over to you."

P: "How long is this fucking thing?"

N: "Batman hooked Fluttercomputer up to the network."

D: "She got far enough in to save Namgam when he's gonna get crushed later."

N: "But only me."

N: "If Batman gets crushed, he'll be dead if he isn't too badass to be crushed."

"Some blonde guy comes over to you."

Nagisa: "Sakura's dead."

P: "Oh."

Nagisa: "Just thought I'd let you know."

P: "Okay."

P: "Thanks."

"He walks off again."

N: "I'm gonna go make a sandwich."

"He also walks off."

P: "So..."

"You struggle to find a new thing to talk about."

P: "Can you actually fly?"

"Cube shrugs."

P: "Oh."

"Batman walks over to you."

P: "Hey, Batman."

Batman: "Hello Banana and Magic Horse."

P: "Have you heard about Sakura?"

Batman: "Yeah."

Batman: "It was suicide."

P: "Nice to know."

P: "How'd she do it?"

Batman: "Poison."

Batman: "There were also traces of DNA from you two suggesting that you beat her with bottles non-fatally."

P: "How did you find DNA?"

"Namgam appeared from nowhere holding a sandwich in his magic."

N: "His mask can swap to scan different frequencies of shit."

N: "Usually he'd have Oracle to help him identify stuff after the Joker shot her in the spine and took naked pictures of her."

N: "He was trying to mind-fuck Gordan."

N: "Oracle's his daughter."

N: "So she had to sop being Batgirl and became Oracle."

"Everyone is staring at him."

Batman: "How the fuck did you even know-?"

"Monokuma fell out of the ceiling."

Monokuma: "iz fuckin truial tijmwe.2"

"You all go to the trial."

"Fluttercomputer dies."

next chaptere marrrrkm

"You find a big ass knife."

Maya: "Let's give it to Namgam."

Nagisa: "Yeah that seems like a good idea."

N: "Why?"

"They give it to Namgam and then he has a fever dream and someone tries to stab him but Batman saves him."

"You're watching it happen I guess."

"Then a dead body explodes."

"You all go to the trial and Batman blames Namgam."

"You agree."

not-crushed animation hererererererererer

"You are Namgam now."

N: "I guess I'm in a trash heap now."

"The next day."

N: "Fuck I'm hungry."

Batman: "Hey bro."

N: "Hey Batbro."

Batman: "I got you food bro."

"He gives you food."

N: "Thanks bro."

"You eat the food."

N: "How are you here bro?"

Batman: "'Cause I'm Batman bro."

N: "Cool story bro."

Batman: "Let's go bro."

N: "K bro."

"You go up a ladder and find everyone else."

N: "Hey guys I'm not dead."

"You are Pickle again."

P: "Shit he survived."

Monokuma: "Yoo cnu invcestate niwn iff you wnajht"

Batman: "Good."

"You all find a room with a TV."

"Batman fixes it 'cause he's fucking BATMAN."

"A game loads up."

show title screen picture

D: "Holy shit we're in inception."

D: "Anyway, we need to go to the last trial and do all of that dramatic stuff since we won't be able to get to Bipper."

D: "He's got the armoured bunker thing."

N: "So?"

N: "We have Batman."

D: "Oh."

D: "Right."

"They turned to Batman, who nodded in understanding."

P: "Wait, how did he follow ANY of that?!"

"'Cause he's FUCKING BATMAN."

"Batman pulled out his cryptographic sequencer and opened the door remotely."

"He then went to the trapdoor on the floor, lined the hinges with explosive gel and blew them off."

"He ripped the door off of the ground and threw it aside."

"Bipper poked his head out of the hole."

Bipper: "Huh."

Bipper: "Now that I think about it, bringing Batman here was really fucking stupid."

Bipper: "Oh well."

"Bipper suddenly put himself through the executions."

animatioiioinnnnnn

Batman: "Well, I technically didn't break my no kill rule, so..."

Batman: "I'm just gonna take that as a win."

"You all go to the big vault door and Batman hacks it open."

"A white light shines onto you and everyone starts being dramatic."

N: "BATMAN!"

N: "WILL I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN?!"

Batman: "I fucking hope not."

N: "CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?!"

"Batman sighs."

"He pulls out a batarang and a pen."

"He signs the batarang and gives it to Namgam."

Batman: "Now fuck off forever."

N: "ARIGATOU, BATMAN-SENPAI!"

"put a thing between you and nagisa here"

"Maya leans over to you to whisper in your ear."

Maya: "I watched you sleeping!"

P: "Fucking amazing."

"The light overwhelms you and you black out."

next arc or somehting

snickssseehs

label listen:

hide image "fat"

scene image "asda inside"

"(Namgam's past POV or some shit)"

"You soon find yourself lost inside ASDA."

N "FUCK."

show image "sng"

NC "DOUBLE FUCK."

"Suddenly, a zombie approaches the two of you."

hide image "sng"

show image "totally a zombie"

zombie "Welcome to ASDA."

"The zombie slaps its ass."

zombie "I am a zombie clerk or some shit."

"The zombie slaps its ass again."

"There's an awkward silence."

zombie "Well, bye."

"The zombie walks off, slapping its ass."

hide image "totally a zombie"

"Suddenly, you have an idea for once."

"You run after the zombie."

N "Wait!"

"The zombie stops and turns to face you."

show image "totally a zombie"

zombie "What?"

"The zombie slaps its ass again."

N "Where are the Snickers?"

zombie "How should I know?"

hide image "totally a zombie"

show image "sng"

NC "You said you were a clerk."

hide image "sng"

show image "totally a zombie"

zombie "Oh."

"The zombie slaps its ass again."

zombie "That way."

"The zombie slaps its ass again and then points up."

N "Thanks."

zombie "Okay."

"The zombie slaps its ass again as it walks off."

hide image "totally a zombie"

"The two of you fly upward and find a floating shelf."

scene image "all the snickers ever"

N "Perfect!"

"You turn to yourself."

show image "sng"

N "Fifty fifty is fine, right?"

NC "Fuck no!"

N "What?"

NC "I'M TAKING ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, BIATCH!"

N "YOU'RE BETRAYING ME NOW?"

N "WHY?"

NC "YOU'D TOTALLY DO THE SAME TO ME!"

N "WHAT?!"

N "YOU OBVIOUSLY AREN'T A GOOD CLONE OF ME THEN!"

N "I WOULD TOTALLY NEVER SAY 'TOTALLY'!"

NC "FUCK YOU!"

N "YEAH, I WILL!"

N "I'LL FUCK ME UP!"

Youtube Video

scene image "escalation"

N "BOOM DICK."

scene image "none of the snickers ever"

"You eat all the Snickers."

scene image "black"

"(You're Pickle again.)"

scene image "home"

P "Fuck that escalated quickly."

His Little Vespy

Cloud was walking through Ponyville's park one day when he spotted a box. He walked over to it to discover that it was one of those days again. In the box sat Vesper in a Primotaur form, very, very naked.

"Hey," greeted Vesper. "So this happened." There were a few seconds of silence as Cloud realised how stupid his life was.

"No," he said, turning around and walking away. Vesper looked surprised.

"What?"

"No."

"What do you mean 'no'?! You can't just leave me like this!" She called out, gripping the sides of the box. Cloud stopped for a moment to glance over his shoulder at her.

"Just... Just no." He continued walking, leaving her to die from hypothermia.

And that's why Ponies have fur coats.

THE END

Falloutside

scene image "house"

"It's a beautifully stormy morning in scone land."

"As usual."

P "I hate everything."

show image "namgam"

N "GUYS! GUYS!"

hide image "namgam"

show image "cube"

C "What's wrong? Did you fall in the toilet again?"

hide image "cube"

P "'Again'?"

show image "namgam"

N "FALLOUT 4 WAS RELEASED ROUGHLY AROUND TIME WHEN I WROTE THIS!"

N "WE SHOULD GO ON A SPECIAL FALLOUT ADVENTURE!"

hide image "namgam"

P "What do you mean 'wrote th-'?"

show image "namgam"

N "WE COULD HAVE SO MANY COOL ADVENTURES IN THE WASTES AND FIGHT GHOULS AND SHIT!"

hide image "namgam"

P "And as usual, I get fucking cut o-"

show image "cube"

C "But I know jack shit about Fallout?"

hide image "cube"

show image "namgam"

N "WHY WAS THAT A QUESTION?"

hide image "namgam"

show image "cube"

C "Why are you screaming?"

hide image "cube"

show image "namgam"

N "WHY AREN'T YOU CREAMING IS THE REAL QUESTION!"

"Oh my."

N "THAT WAS A TYPO BUT I'M STICKING WITH IT."

hide image "namgam"

show image "cube"

C "HELL YEAH!"

hide image "cube"

"You suddenly have a weird feeling, but brush it off as an irrational thought."

P "I'm not even getting a say in this, am-?"

scene image "black"

"You all arrive in the country of London."

"Namgam leads you two underground with the pickaxe he kept from the sanic.mp3 arc."

"BOOM CONTINUITY."

"After a few [time unit data missing], he managed to build a high tech facility."

scene image "vault dual sword"

show image "ngv5"

N "And now our vault adventures can begin!"

"You look down at yourself and realise that you're dressed in a vault suit."

P "When did I even put this on?"

"Then you realise one of your front legs has been cut off."

"In hindsight, probably the first thing you should've noticed."

P "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY LEG?!"

N "...That's not important..."

P "I DISAGREE!"

N "I MAY have cut it off."

N "Just a little though."

"Sure enough, after looking again, only half of your leg is gone."

N "Only the foreforeleg of one of four legs."

hide image "ngv5"

show image "cv1"

C "Wait, so WHY did you cut off his leg?"

P "YEAH, WHY?!"

hide image "cv1"

show image "ngv5"

N "So I could call you stupid!"

P "..."

N "Get it?"

P "..."

N "Like Poker Face?"

P "..."

N "His foreleg was cut off?"

P "..."

N "..."

P "..."

N "..."

P "..."

N "..."

P "..."

N "..."

P "..."

N "..."

P "..."

N "..."

P "..."

N "..."

P "..."

N "..."

P "Fuck you, Namgam."

hide image "ngv5"

show image "cv1"

C "So what do we do now?"

C "What do we fall out of?"

hide image "cv1"

show image "ngv5"

N "I filled this place with mutated insects and zombies!"

show image "10mm"

N "Now we're gonna kill them all!"

P "WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUN?!

hide image "10mm"

hide image "ngv5"

show image "cv2"

C "...That's not important..."

hide image "cv2"

"Suddenly, you hear a slapping sound."

"The noise gets closer and closer until a zombie appears from around the corner."

show image "totally a zombie"

zombie "Hey."

"The zombie slaps its ass."

zombie "Welcome to Vault Dual Sword."

"The zombie slaps its ass."

zombie "Sponsored by ASDA."

"The zombie slaps its ass."

"There is a minute of silence broken only by the occasional ass-slap."

zombie "So-"

hide image "totally a zombie"

show image "cv2"

C "OH GOD ITS ARMED!"

"She dives at the zombie and breaks its head like a melon with a single strike from her bat."

hide image "cv2"

show image "ngv5"

show image "10mm"

N "That was a close one!"

N "Good work, Katherine Kane!"

hide image "10mm"

hide image "ngv5"

show image "cv2"

C "What?"

hide image "cv2"

show image "ngv4"

show image "10mm"

N "It's a Batman joke."

hide image "10mm"

hide image "ngv4"

show image "cv2"

C "Oh."

hide image "cv2"

show image "ngv4"

show image "10mm"

N "The two versions of Batwoman are called Katherine Kane."

N "And you have a bat."

N "And you're female, so..."

hide image "10mm"

hide image "ngv4"

show image "cv2"

C "Shit, am I?"

C "I never noticed."

hide image "cv2"

"You hear an odd scuttling sound."

"Ird comes around the corner holding a glass of milk."

show image "ird"

Ird "Hey guys, what's-?"

hide image "ird"

show image "ngv6"

show image "10mm"

N "RADROACH!"

"Namgam shoots Ird, making her head explode and milk fly everywhere."

hide image "10mm"

hide image "ngv6"

show image "cv2"

C "NOOOOOOO!"

C "YOU GOT MILK ON THE FUCKING FLOOR AGAIN!"

hide image "cv2"

show image "ngv3"

show image "10mm"

N "Floor..."

N "Floor never changes..."

"You suddenly realise something."

P "Wait a minute, why do you have emotions now?"

hide image "ngv3"

show image "ngv6"

N "What's THAT supposed to mean?!"

P "Right there!"

P "Your face is different!"

hide image "ngv6"

show image "ngv2"

N "Oh, that."

hide image "ngv2"

show image "ngv1"

N "We're onto the high budget shit now!"

P "Your gun image is fucking broken."

hide image "ngv1"

show image "ngv4"

N "It sure is."

N "Also that was a clone of Ird."

N "You can stop freaking out now, Cube."

hide image "10mm"

hide image "ngv4"

show image "cv2"

C "TUFUYfukCUcxktuKTUCUcutXCKUXtgxkuxtKUXKUTGktcxkux"

C "OUYSEVFRYIOERVFshgsubso26354234875264"

P "Uh..."

hide image "cv2"

show image "ngv5"

N "She'll be fine."

"You notice Namgam look at your leg."

hide image "ngv5"

show image "ngv3"

N "OH SHIT, THE RADROACH CRIPPLED YOU!"

N "USIN' A STIMPACK!"

"Namgam stabs you in the eye with a syringe."

"You scream."

P "AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"And you swear."

P "FFFFUUUUUUCK YOOOOUUUUU!!!!"

"And you question the redundancy of this narration."

P "WHY IS THIS NARRATION REDUNDANT?!"

hide image "ngv3"

"You're about to die from blood loss."

"It looks like you'll have to do something S.P.E.C.I.A.L.!"

        label special:

            menu:

                "Strength.":

                 jump strength

                "Perception.":

                 jump perception

"Endurance.":

jump endurance

"Charisma.":

jump charisma

"Intelligence.":

jump intelligence

"Agility.":

jump agility

"Luck."

jump luck

label strength:

"You punch Namgam really hard."

show image "ngv3"

N "Ow!"

hide image "ngv3"

"You fall over and die."

death sequence here

label perception:

"You notice that you've gone blind in the stabbed eye."

"Good to know."

"You fall over and die."

death here

label endurance:

"You struggle as hard as you can to stay alive."

"You fail."

ded stuff

label charisma:

P "WELL,"

P "I NEVER 'SAW' THIS COMING!"

"You fall over and die."

dedededed

label intelligence:

"You realise following Namgam here was a fucking stupid idea."

"You fall over and die."

durd

label agility:

"You quickly fall over and die."

dead as neko

label luck:

"You wish really, REALLY hard for something stupid to save you."

"Luckily, just at that moment a rift in space and time opened up and swallowed you."

scene image "black"

"Your body feels strange for a few seconds."

scene image "house"

show image "namgam"

N "GUYS! GUYS!"

hide image "namgam"

show image "cube"

C "What's wrong? Did you fall in the toilet again?"

hide image "cube"

show image "namgam"

N "FALLOUT 4 WAS RELEASED ROUGHLY AROUND TIME WHEN I WROTE THIS!"

N "WE SHOULD GO ON A SPECIAL FALLOUT ADVENTURE!"

P "NO!"

P "FUCK YOU!"

hide image "namgam"

"You suplex Namgam into the toilet."

P "FUCK YOU, AND FUCK FALLOUT!"

N "Blub-blub-blub-blub!"

show image "cube"

C "I think he's drowning."

P "GOOD!"

Namjane the Clock; the Real Jickle is up

scene image "black"

"Hello, and welcome to another funky episode of Bad Creepypasta. Today I'm joined with the usual twats."

"Hey!"

"Hello!"

"And today we're going to be reading 'Namjane the Clock; the Real Jickle is up'."

"It already sounds shit."

"They always do."

"Let's begin..."

show image "paper"

"'Excerpt from a local newspaper:'"

"'GIANT JUMBO JELLYFISH IS STILL AT LARGE.'"

"'After weeks of unexplained murders, the giant jumbo jellyfish is still on the rise.'"

"'After little evidence has been found, a fat girl states that she survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely tells her story.'"

show image "fat"

N "I had a bad dream about Birdemic and I woke up in the middle of the night,"

N "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I had a furious fapping session."

N "I got up and shut it once more."

N "Afterwards, I simply crawled back onto the table and tried to get back to sexytimes."

N "That's when I had a strange feeling, like I'd popped a boner."

N "And I'm totes female so that's weird for me."

N "I looked down and nearly slipped in my liquids."

N "In the little ray of light illuminating from between my curtains was a single pair of three eyes."

N "These weren't regular eyes; they were magical, rainbow eyes."

N "They were bordered in jelly and red paint and... just plain out terrified me."

N "That's when I saw his mouth."

N "He had three tongues, that flapped around like crazy."

N "Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it."

N "A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak."

hide image "fat"

show image "tvp"

P "Namgam? Is that you? What's going on? What's that stuff on the table glistening in the moonlight?"

hide image "tvp"

show image "fat"

N "I let out a scream and suddenly the door to my room exploded."

N "Some weirdo had busted in."

"Busted in?!"

hide image "fat"

show image "kool aid"

kag "OH YEAH!"

N "The room was flooded with Kool Aid, killing us to death."

N "Luckily, we didn't die."

"Stellar writing here, lads."

hide image "kool aid"

show image "fat"

N "The Kool Aid probably would've finished us off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the fire department."

N "It jumped out of the window and tried to escape. With luck, it landed on the ground."

N "Only to be run over by the firetruck."

hide image "fat"

"Police are still on the look for this man."

"If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local fire department."

scene image "a shit place to live"

"Pickle and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood."

"His dads had both gotten promotions at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those fancy neighborhoods."

"Pickle and his brother Cube-san couldn't complain though, they'd always hated their old trailer park."

"What was not to love about the move?"

"As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors broke in."

show image "totally a zombie"

zombie ""Hello, I'm Barbara."

zombie "I live across the street from you."

zombie "Well, I just wanted to introduce myself to and introduce son my."

zombie "Billy, these are our new neighbors."

"Billy says hi."

"I guess he just doesn't get to actually fucking speak."

hide image "totally a zombie"

show image "Sir Tophat Chapsworthington the V"

chapsworth "Jolly good to meet you!"

chapsworth "My name, my good lady, is Sir Tophat Chapsworthington the V!"

chapsworth "This is my most stupendously astoundingly beautiful husband, A Fucking Chav!"

show image "a fucking chav"

chav "ay, ya fukin dikhed."

chav "wut teh fuk du ye fukin thik ya duin???"

show image "totally a zombie"

zombie "why is evryoien on top of eahc otjhrer?"

hide image "totally a zombie"

chav "ye m8!"

chav "dese r r fukin"

hide image "a fucking chav"

chapsworth "Indeed!"

chapsworth "These are our two sons; Jickle and Cube-san!"

show image "pickle"

p "WTF IS GOING ON WHY AM I HERE WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE"

show image "dick singer"

d "やあみんな"

"Oh fuck, it's in Japanese"

"Shit."

"Toby, get fucking Google translate on this shit."

"Why do I have to do it?!"

"Because I said so you fucking-"

"Alright! Alright!"

"Ahem."

"'Hey guys.'"

d "私のペニスはただ常にjizzingされます."

"'My dick is just constantly jizzing.'"

"Wonderful."

hide image "dick singer"

p "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?"

show image "a fucking chav"

chav "fukin guy as fukin bus"

chav "wi juzt si em im frunt uf teh fukin telleh n leve em ohnoesly m8"

hide image "a fucking chav"

hide image "pickle"

chapsworth "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to get high and think about how I fucked up in life so badly."

"They all leave."

"It's just Jickle and Cube-san sitting in the road."

p "What the ever loving fuck is happening?"

d "私はdiiickを持っています"

"I've got a diiiiick."

p "..."

"Jickle collapses and cries."

"Fucking pussy."

show image "donut"

donut "sup bruh"

donut "dis ma cruw"

show image "tongue"

tongue "hey brhurbrururnuebur"

"Top quality here, folks."

donut "lets fuck"

"Jickle and the donut make sweet sugary love in the road."

d "それは精液がたくさんです"

"That's a lot of semen."

"Yes."

"Yes it is."

d "私は彼らの愛の嫉妬します"

"I'm jealous of their love."

d "そのドーナツは私です"

"That donut is mine."

"Dick-hore or whatever the fujck he/she was clskaesd grgbewsaed a phone"

d "ピクルスを殺します"

"Kill Pickle."

show image "fat"

n "Done and done."

"NAmdbewsa caleded the polic and tehy areedsted hiimm"

"I'd say this dropped in quality, but it really hasn't."

p "why am i in jale2"

"they expreemsinted on hikm"

p "theres a thing upi my buti"

show image "venompickle"

p "noooooo"

"hees evl naow"

"Great."

"he broke donw a walll with his diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick"

p "ouchy"

"donuit was there and they fcked agauin"

p "tehgres jhz in my eyeyees"

"the jhz made himj evi l"

hide image "venom pickle"

show image "tonguevenompickle"

p "rgue uefiuef iufriae f riuof iuab ciufb reiu fiup"

"he baceme lemondave"

p "nuuuu"

p "lets kill namgam"

donut "okay"

"they go to namgam"

hide image "fat"

show image "fat"

n "oh shiiiiiiit"

"but she had a secret weaponn"

show image "gun"

"nbamgam kills donut"

p "noonononiuoniononobuergbyfuirfwbierabnfae"

n "Error: Text data not found."

"pickle kikcesd the gunh awsug"

hide image "gun"

n "ufuaeubrfuifbia"

p "urfgbeiaurbf"

n "orufhwoerfhowehforewhfe!"

p "Cube?"

d "ちょっと愚痴"

"Sup bitches."

"everyone diesdds"

"tegh nedh"

"Fuck."

"That was awful."

arc 69

screen image "black"

"Arc 69: The Orgy."

P "No, I REFUSE to do that."

The End.

Chapter 53

scene image "home"

"You walk into the bathroom to find Namgam literally eating shit."

"Fan-fucking-tastic."

"You leave and instead go to the kitchen to find Cube smashing mugs and eating the ceramic."

"What is it with Britain and eating weird shit?"

P "Well, I don't have the patience to talk to either of those fuckers today."

P "What do I do now?"

"Suddenly, a nearby TV turns on."

scene image "ransom tape"

hostage "OH GOD HELP ME"

hostage "IM BEIGN TORGUTED"

hostage "EURYGIFHSIUGBULIETBERIBR"

"Someone else starts talking in a distorted voice."

??? "If yOu Do NoT cOmE tO AsDa WiThIn OnE hOuR, tHe HoStAgE wIlL dIe."

"The TV turns off."

scene image "home"

"Well then."

"It looks like your next adventure has been decided."

"But this could be dangerous, should you get the fuckers to help?"

label backup:

menu:

"Get the fuckers.":

jump help

"Go alone.":

jump alone

label help:

"Yeah, you should probably get the fuckers."

"Maybe you could get lucky and they'll die."

scene image "asda outside"

show image "ng"

N "HOLY SHIT IT'S ASDA"

"You discover the emotion of regret."

"You head inside."

scene image "asda inside"

hide image "ng"

show image "me"

D "Hey, look!"

D "It's the hostage!"

hide image "me"

scene image "ransom tape"

"Nope, it's just another fucking TV."

??? "GoOd."

??? "NoW gO tO tHe BaGeL sEcTiOn."

scene image "asda inside"

"The TV exploded."

"Of course it did."

show image "me"

D "Let's go!"

hide image "me"

show image "ng"

N "YEAH!"

N "BAGELS COULD BE IN DANGER!"

hide image "ng"

"You go to the bagel section."

show image "present"

"You find a present."

P "Well."

show image "ng"

N "LET'S OPEN THIS FUCKER!"

hide image "ng"

show image "me"

D "FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!"

hide image "me"

"You open the present."

hide image "present"

"Fucking hell."

show image "shitmug"

"It's a mug full of shit."

show image "ng"

show image "me"

both at the smae tiiiiiime "FUCK YEEAAHHHHH"

hide image "me"

hide image "ng"

hide image "shitmug"

"They pounce on the mug of shit and eat it."

"Like lions on a zebra or some shit."

"You find it strangely..."

"...Erotic..."

"..."

"You hide in a nearby closet and jack off."

jump end of arc

label alone:

"Fuck those fuckers, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck."

"IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE BUT YOU'RE DOIN' IT ANYWAY!"

"FUCK YOU OLD GUY IN A CAVE!"

"I DON' NEED NO SWORD!"

scene image "asda outside"

"You arrive at ASDA."

P "Time to rescue that hostage!"

"You run inside."

scene image "asda inside"

"Nothing seems out of place."

"The corpses are still rotting,"

"the prisoners are still crying and bleeding,"

"and the zombies are still working overtime."

"Wait, zombies?"

P "It must be TTTTTThursday."

show image "zombie"

zombie "Hello again."

"The zombie slaps its ass."

zombie "You come here often."

"The zombie slaps its ass."

P "I need to find someone who's been taken hostage."

zombie "Try the hostage isle."

"The zombie slaps its ass."

P "What."

zombie "We have a discount on hostages right now, maybe you can find the one you need?"

"the zombie slaps its ass."

zombie "Well, I need to go do my taxes."

"The zombie slaps its ass."

zombie "See you later."

hide image "zombie"

"The zombie walks off, forever slapping its ass."

P "Taxes."

P "A zombie doing fucking taxes."

P "..."

P "Englandland is fucking weird."

"You go to the hostage isle."

"They're sold out."

P "Oh well, I tired."

"You go home."

jump end of arc

label end of arc:

CONTINUE SHIT HERERERRERERERERERER

Nailed It

Dear diary,

Today I met three people; Ringle, Rongle and Rhyver. I screwed Rhyver.

Nailed It 2

Dear diary,

Today I met my old friend, Dyt. I used to nail her.

Nailed It 3

Dear diary,

Today I got arrested for fucking a pigeon.

DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System 2

"go fuckin idk" said mojoman

There was a knock at Vesper's room's door. Vesper opened the door to find Watcher.

"The bear said I had to come here or something," he said.

"Oh, okay," she replied.

"Please don't rape me with a shovel again."

"Too late."

Watcher's corpse was later found in Vesper's bathroom, covered in grape juice with a shovel up its ass. Everyone gathered in the gym agagagagaain.

"so theyhs quesin is whoisj killlled hihm" said the diiiiiick beer.

"The only question is why I haven't just kicked your ass yet," retorted Cloud.

"Yeah, no, don't do that," said Vesper, "trust me, he'll just fucking cheat."

"Nah, I got this!" Cloud died.

"Piss."

DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System 4

Everyoen was ijn da cafereetrefecdxs.

"So are we human or animalistic or what?" Asked No.

"Most likely anthro," replied Mjr Success.

"Your mom was anthro," said Bog.

"I know, right?"

"We need to figure out a way to escape," said Violent.

"Don't worry, this isn't canon," replied Vesper.

"Oh, okay." Bog ran up to Success and punched him in the dick.

"YO A BITCH," he screamed.

"Well, that was uncalled for," Success replied before tearing one of Bog's arms off and beating him with it.

"OH GOD IM DYIN." Vesper healed him with human-y-not-human magic. "THANK"

"How the fuck does Junko or whoever even restock the kitchen?" Asked Vesper. "The world ended so they can't even get any, we could easily stay up to sneak out when they get it and the people mentioned trying to break in could easily sneak in. Monokono probably can't get a signal out there, so they'd have to go out themselves."

"Maybe they have an ultimate chef disciple that makes food nearby while his ultimately athletic assistant finds ingredients with her super nose?" Suggested Night.

"That still doesn't explain how they get it in."

"Maybe they have an ultimately lucky delivery boy?" Vesper had flashbacks to Vietnam.

DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System 5

"VESPER!" Shouted Success.

"Go fucking die," she replied.

"WATCH ME GET HOT AND WET WITH NO!"

"No."

"YOU RANG?" Shouted No.

"Fuck you." She went back to her room while Success and No went to a random sauna and got hot, naked and wet.

Vesper decided to get wet in a new way, so she headed to the pool. She went inside the changing room and Violent was fucking dead. Well, at least one good thing happened. The words 'PISSBATHFEVER' were written on the wall with - guess what - vix vapor rub. Also piss.

Soon, other people/fucking whatever the fuck they are showed up.

"Oh my, I wonder if it was the sandwich terrorist?" Byakuya-ed Worm.

"It blatantly fucking wasn't since there's no blocked toilet, dumbass," said Bog. Worm clapped.

"You worked out my little puzzle. You see? I pissed on the wall!" There was a short silence.

"You're a fucking freak," said Vesper. And that's saying something.

"Why do you have vix vapor rub in your piss?" Asked Ms. Direction.

"Who cares?" Asked Night. "I'm gonna look at her junk."

"Fan-fucking-astic," said Vesper. Night looked at her junk. "Does she have a dick?"

"Nope."

"Huh."

"I'm gonna look for clues," said Tanya. And then she did. What a twist.

DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System 6

Noticing that Violent was hung to the whatever with a cable, Vesper went to the library to see if there was a book about cables that could tell her where it probably came from. She arrived to find Worm reading a police file about blocked toilets.

"Yo, nerd," she greeted in the most eloquent of manners, "da fuck's a cable book?"

"Nah, homie," he replied, equally eloquently, "I hung da bitch, aight? Don't be steppin on mah turf while ya lookin for da white boi tha did dis shiiiiiiit."

"K, brah, thanks."

"Y'all motha fuckas need ta be lookin for dat wep," said Tanya as she entered the room.

"Shiiiiit, dawg, y'all best be trippin?!"

"Nah, brah, go do dat shiiiiit." Vesper went back to the murder scene.

Dying the wrong way

"You wake up."

"Everything is as it usually is; dark, rainy and drowned in tea."

"Still, at least you're getting decent sleep."

P "I'm so used to this shithole that something like that is a positive."

P "Great."

P "Oh well, I need to get off of the carpet."

P "And maybe buy a fucking bed."

"You get out of bed."

"You attempt to go downstairs, but trip, fall and break every bone in your body except your left humerus."

"What a funny coincidence."

show image "ng"

N "OH HEY BRO."

N "LEMME HEAL YOU"

"Namgam throws scalding hot milk over your body."

"You're too tired of his shit to even scream from the blistering agony."

"Just then, your body soaks up the tea and it heals you up completely."

P "Huh."

"Sadly, your balls drop off."

P "Bollocks."

N "OR THE LACK THEREOF AMIRIGHT???"

"You try to slap him but miss and fall over again."

hide image "ng"

show image "me"

"Suddenly, Cube climbs out of the floorboards and, with a blast of wind generated form her wings, props you back onto your feet(tentacle?)"

D "I just blew a sheep."

P "Lambanana."

D "Whatever."

hide image "me"

"You go to eat breakfast but accidentally nuke America into oblivion, killing all of your loved ones."

P "Whoops."

"You try again and manage to eat a bagel."

play kazoo version of final fantasy battle win theme

Youtube Video

"Good fucking job."

show image "ng"

N "TIME FOR AN ADVENTURE"

"The TV turns on."

tv pictuuuuuuree

dfs "HEY BRAHS IT'S TOUNGE MCCRAZYTITS'S DILDO EMPOREUM"

dfs "NOW WITH EXTRA HORSE MEAT"

tv turn ooffffff

show image "me"

D "OUR ADVENTURE IS DECIDED"

P "Fuck."

hide image "me"

"You all take a taxi to the dildo emporium."

"You find ten britbucks under the seat."

P "Neato."

"You all arrive."

"It's closed."

"To celebrate the occasion, you take a shit in the bushes."

"Your ass gets scratched up by branches."

P "Ow."

"And there's no toilet roll so you have to walk around nAKED WITH A SHITTY ASS"

P "Dammit."

"But it falls off after a while so it's fine."

"Your asshole, not the shit."

"It's excruciatingly painful."

P "OW MY ASSHOLE."

"You go home and go back to sleep."

DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System 8

Night was wandering through the halls at night (U C WAT AH DUD THER???)  when she spotted something in the changing rooms of the sauna or whatever the fuck it was for.

"ERMAGURD IZ   A GHEST" she said.

"Why the fuck am I the go-to person now?" Asked Vesper, who was investigating the changing room.

"GATTA FIN DEM GHESTS" said Night. Vesper rolled her eyes in opposite directions.

She opened up a locker and found a glowing, green dildo with a face painted on it.

"Hello," greeted the dildo. "I'm Jeff."

"IZZ SEDH GHGGEGSDTFWHDEUVSAG"""" night

"I think we'll be good friends, Jeff," replied Vesper picking him up.

DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System 9

badass kill himself

jeff die

"no" vesper

Yorhai Begins

I gestured to the figure next to me.

"This is Yorhai," I said. "His last name doesn't matter."

The Dark Yorhai

I hit Yorhai with a baseball bat, causing him to shatter into pieces.

"Oh fuck!" I yelled. "I broke Yorhai Min!"

Yorhai Rises

Yorhy Min regenerated.

"Yeah," I said, "not sure tha's a good thing."

The Bro Of Lead

Leadbro destroyed many skyscrapers and killed thousands.

"IZ JUST A PRANK BRO" led

Yorhai Vs Leadbro

Leadbro punched Yorhai with a (tentacle?) that could knock down skyscrapers, smashing Yorhai into pieces.

"OOH GAHD" bro-ed leadbro "A BROK YORHAI MIN"

Yorhai Beyond

Yorhai Min took on an apprentice when he became too old to break.

"I am," said Over Eee, "beyond Yorhai Min."

Yorhai Meets His Nemesis

"I am your Nemises, Yorhai!" Yelled Ab.

"You spelled Nemesis wrong," he replied.

"Agh! Defeated again!" Ab Stinance screamed.

Yorhai Buys Groceries

Yorhai bough milk and eggs and wen home.

"Shit I forgot the ham," he said.

Yorhai Buys Groceries 2: The Rematch

Yorhai ordered ham online.

"Hooray for the internet," said Yorhai.

Yorhai Saves The Kids

Yorhai got into a furry costume.

"I LOVE BABIES" he/she/pickle yelled before the springlocks crushed him/her/cube.

"ono mr min dye agan" said i/me/we

Necessary Questioning

"Ah, Twilight!" Cried Celestia, flying through a hole in the castle wall. "You've defeated the evil of my sister's PMS!" Twilight punched Celestia in the dick.

"WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME ABOUT THE ELEMENTS, YOU CHEESY DICKHOLE?!" Twilight yelled, punching everypone in the dick.

"You needed friendshit or something to use the eleMENTS OH WAIT NO I USED THEM A DICKLOAD A THOUSAND YEARS AGO AND THEY WORKED JUST FINE."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"I'VE BEEN DOING TOO MUCH GIMPAGE SWICKEN IT'S WARPED MY MIND."

"GO BACK TO YOUR BOX, YOU CHEDDAR-CHODE HOBO!"

The Thin One

"Hey! Have you tried that new phone app?"

"You mean the weird looking one?"

"Yeah! It's so petite!"

"I don't understand why it makes me so hungry."

Eczeman

"Hey, Bob!"

"What, Jackman?"

"Can you guess who my favourite X-Men character is?"

"Who, Jackman?"

"No, it's Cyclops."

WHY DID THE TRANSGENDER CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

IT WAS FEELING COCKY!

what a champ

"Hey, have you seen Carol?"

"No, but I think John's seen her."

what, a champ?

"Hey, do you know where John is? Apparently he knows where Carol is."

"Wait, what name did you say?"

"John; he's-"

"What?"

"John, see?"

"Nah."

what a, champ

"Oh, there you are, John."

"YO."

"I'm looking for Carol, I need her to-"

"SHE BEEN SUCKIN ON MAH JOHN 'TILL DAT SEMEN!"

"Well now you're just stretching for it."

And then I realised...

...this garbage has 17K+ words.

Namgam + Time Alone =

Namjam!

Painful Jokes

"What the hell, man?! Why'd you burn down that Starbucks?!"

"'Cause I like my coffee like I like my women!"

"I thought you were gay?"

"Exactly!"

"YOU KILLED 14 PEOPLE TO MAKE A FUCKING JOKE?!"

Twilight Becomes A Horse

Twilight woke up. Something felt off, particularly around her forehead. She reached up a hoof to give herself a quick hornjob before breakfast, but suddenly realised...

"Holy shit!" She screamed. "My magic fun stick is missing!" She ran over her mirror to see if she was just being a Spike, but quickly realised that her problems were far worse than she thought.

She had become...

A whorse Horse.

"Holy fucking shit, I'm a talking non-magical Horse!" She ran downstairs to blame Spike, finding him making pancakes. "Spike! What the fuck did you do?!"

"Hey, Tweh Weh!" Shouted Shining Armour who had just exploded out of the pancakes. "I flushed Meow-Meow down the toilet!"

"Fuck off, Shining!" Twilight tried to throw him out of the window, but then remembered she had no magic. "Fuck!"

"Twilight?" Asked Spike. "Why are you an Applejack?" Twilight had a revelation.

"That's it! This is Applejack's fault!" She sprinted out of the front door, tripped over a rock and knocked herself out.

When Twilight woke up, she was once again a Unicorn. The only Horse thing about her now was her throat from the shouting.

Youtube Video

THE END

guuh

Twilight exploded.

"Talk about getting your beauty sleep!" Said Rarity as Applejack ate Fluttershy outside.

Sudden;y, Pinkie realised that suddenly was misspelled and fell down stairs into the ass of Celestia.

"Talk about getting your beauty sleep!" Said Rarity as Luna buried Miyamoto Cadenza alive in a pit of Spikes. Then Spikk was Spek and Spock disagreed.

Rambo Duck shit rainbow bullets from he/she/they/I guns.

"Talk about getting your beauty-!"

"FUCK YOU," said a voice beyond the veil of reality. Rarity gasped. It couldn't be, could it?!

But it could.

Then it beed.

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DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System

Vesper woke up at a desk and we're doing this fucking bullshit again. Great. She groaned, burped, farted, hit her head on the desk, rolled around on the floor for a while and threw up.

"Welp, time to kill shit again," she said to herself, spitting bits of vom across the room. She rolled her way to the gym, but this time, she found something unexpected. And that's saying something... Rather than random pink and brown humans, in the gym stood the N's Ks, Cloud, Watcher, Violent and Bog.

Monobitch jumped up onto the stage.

"YO LET'S DO THIS SHIT BIIITCHESSS" he screamed into a mic why is he he junko voices him so he should have a female voice or a female distorted voice maybe junkos a tran or some shit idk anyway its not junko this time.

"Question we already now the answer to about why we're here and why it's us?" Asked Vesper.

"answr uyove hesard bedor ans know"

"Cool bruh."

"Holy shit!" Shouted Tanya. "Are we finally going to get some fucking development?!"

"nop" said Mononnonononnonnonnnoonnoonhbfuocberwoyifbe7rgfW OIDYIEFR GRILDG FERGF

"Aw..." i gotta fucking survive or sokthin

Believe In Better

I picked up Sky and threw her at the TV.

"Hybrid!" She yelled as she bounced off and onto the floor, "what the buck are you doing?!" At that moment, Cloud walked into the room.

"For buck's sake, Hybrid," he started, "what are you doing now?" I turned to him.

"I'm upgrading to," I put on a pair of sunglasses, "Sky TV."

Youtube Video

"How am I even here?" Asked Sky. "I don't even exist yet."

"Where are we?" Asked Cloud.

"We're not far from where we should be," I answered. "We're just a block away."

"What block?" I put on a second pair of sunglasses.

"Writer's block."

Youtube Video

"I can't believe you fell for that," said Vesper, facehoofing.

"Vesper!" Exclaimed Sky. "You're here now?!"

"Apparently."

What Happened To The Changelings?

Celestia teleported onto the stage, holding a microphone with her magic and grinning.

"Hello, everypony!" She loudly greeted the camera. "And welcome back to Best Of The Bugs!" The curtain behind her lifted to reveal six Changelings chained up by the necks far too tightly.

"H-Help us..." One of them managed to gasp out.

"It's time for the reveal of what the votes from last week have in store! Luna, if you will?" Luna teleported onstage next to Celestia.

"I would gladly!" She exclaimed happily. "The votes have been counted up, and it looks like it's Leeroy's time to shine!"

"That's right, folks! Leeroy was voted the highest and is moving up to the next level! But who was in last?!"

"Why, it was none other than Perry!"

"Do you know what that means, Perry?!"

"N-No!" Begged Perry. "P-Please!"

"That's right! It's time for to go...

TO!

THE!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

Perry was sent flying upward, towards the moon twinkling in the sky.

Jurrasic Heart 2: Attack Of The Italian Spider

Ird and Noodle were walking through a city park during a romantic sunset, holding hands limbs. Suddenly, Ird was snatched away by an obese man with a mustache dressed in mysterious clothing.

"Passo ora esigere la mia vendetta, Noodle-pianta!" Exclaimed the strange Italian man. Noodle gasped.

"No!" He cried out in a manly tone. "Italian Spiderman! My worst enemy!"

"Save me, Noodle!" Screamed Ird.

"I will, baby, just gimme a minute!"

"Non c'è niente che tu possa fare per fermare me!" Yelled Italian Spiderman, pulling out a shotgun with one hand. "Ora si muore, e io sarò la pianta più sexy del parco!" He fired, hitting Noodle in his plant-chest. Noodle fell to the ground, poke'blood spurting from his chest.

"Noodle!" Screamed Ird. Suddenly, a shining light fell from the sky. The light faded to reveal what the object really was; an Egoraptor! The Grump ran over to Noodle and used his magic to restore him back to glory. Noodle leapt onto the Egoraptor's back and charged towards Italian Spiderman.

"I'm gonna deal with you once and for all, Italian Spiderman!" Declared Noodle. "I'm gonna unleash the frenzy plant!"

"Non la frenesia!" Quivered Italian Spiderman. Just before he collided with him, Noodle jumped off of the Egoraptor. With luck, he landed on the ground. The Egoraptor slammed into Italian Spiderman, giving him Massive Mind Loss until he died. He managed to force out his last words. "Sto arrivando, Ultross..."

"That was close, the knife sounded like it had no reason." Ird ran over to Noodle and they made passionate poke'love next the bloody corpse until the moon was high in the sky.

THE END.

Danganronpa - Vesper Edition

Vesper opened her eyes to realise two things: She was in a human form and she was lying face-first on a desk. The buck? She sat up. Looking around, she could see that she was in a cl

assroom. Metal plates covered every window and a surveillance camera hung next to a blackboard. There was a note on her desk:

Hey there, new kid!

The next semester is about to start.

Starting today, this school will be your entire world.

What the buck is going on? She looked down at her hands to check what kind of human she'd become. Her skin looked like a pale, yellowy pink. A type one, huh? She began clicking her fingers on her right hand, remembering the stories her mother had told her about human magic. After about a minute, she successfully summoned a handful of fire. She smirked before dismissing it.

Vesper also vaguely remembered something about Arcane Circles not working as a type one human, but wasn't sure because the author hadn't decided on that yet.

After waiting a few minutes to wake up properly, Vesper left the classroom to explore.

Some time later...

Vesper stood atop the mountain of bodies, looking towards Monokuma with a bored expression.

"Can I go now?" She asked.

DanganVesper 2: Goodbye Despair, Hello Pain [Part 3]

Monokuma sighed. Oh well, at least I have a better way to deal with her this time. Monokuma opened up the dev's console and set Vesper's level to one. Vesper felt her magic capacity quickly drain away, causing the flames in her hand to extinguish.

"What the-?!" She cried out. She glared at Monokuma angrily. "What the fuck have you done?!" Monokuma laughed.

"Puhuhuhuhuhu! Well you see-"

"Rhetorical question!" She dashed towards him and used her momentum to do a spin-y kick thing.

The kick took Monokuma off guard, scoring her a direct hit and knocking him face-first into the sand.

"Ow!" He exclaimed. He sat up and huffed. "Dammit, you didn't lose your skill points?!" He stood up. "Ugh, this is what I get for using the Skyrim engine..." He reopened the dev's console. "Now then, what was that command...? Set stats? No, no, no... Ah! Set skill! That was it!" He began typing in the command. Vesper, who had been standing around watching him for a while, decided to keep attacking. She grabbed the human she'd tried to kill with a Firebolt by the hair and swung him with all her might at Monokuma. Monokuma dodged out of the way easily, so Vesper let go of the human's head and grabbed his feet instead. She swung again, this time hitting him successfully.

Monokuma went flying backwards into a tree. He groaned as he sat up again. The thick headed weirdo had done a lot of damage, most likely due to his skull being filled with bone to make up for the lack of a brain. He'd even cracked Monokuma's casing a little!

"What the hell am I supposed to do?!" Monokuma exclaimed to himself. "How do I-?! Ooh! I know!" He deleted what he had typed so far, disselected Vesper and quickly typed in 'tgm'. Monokuma immediately healed up and became immortal. "Ah, the sweet, honey-like smell of success!" Throwing away the worthless dumbass that nobody loved, Vesper charged towards Monokuma. "Get it? Honey? 'Cause I'm a bear?"

"Fuck off back to Christopher Robin!" She yelled, diving forward. She summoned a Support Circle behind her feet and zoomed forward, flying towards him. Unfortunately for her, her flying Superman punch thingy had no effect, nor did any of the attacks that followed. It was very easy for Monokuma to type in a command to knock her out.

"Now then," he exclaimed gleefully, "let's get rid of all of your combat experience, training and general fitness!"

DanganVesper 2: Goodbye Despair, Hello Pain [Part 4]

Vesper woke up to find herself lying in a bed in what looked like a one room cabin. She was still human, but someone had given her some clothes. It didn't take long for her to remember Monokuma taking away all of her skills. Dammit! How am I supposed to-?! The ringing of a phone cut her off. She opened a nearby drawer and found a mobile.

"Who's cell is this?" She asked nobody. Being Horse-American, she called the mobile a cell. The more you know. "You're getting a bit off track, aren't you?" Sorry. Anyway, Vesper answered the phone and held it to her ear. "Hello?"

"Who is this?" Asked a familiar male voice. "Why are you calling me?"

"You called me, dumbass!"

"I did not call you a dumbass!"

"What the fu-?! Wait a minute... Twilight's brother? Is that you?"

"Yeeeee!"

"Okay, you're still an idiot but I'm glad you called me even though Equestria shouldn't have phones yet. I need your help. I need you to go to you sister and call me back when you find her."

"Uh, I can't I'm buying clothes."

"Alright, then hurry up and get over there."

"I can't find them."

"What do you mean you can't find them?"

"I can't find them, there's only soup."

"What do you mean 'there's only soup'?"

"It means there's only soup."

"Well then get out of the soup isle!"

"Alright, you don't have to shout at me!" Vesper heard the faint sounds of hooves clopping against the floor. "There's more soup!" Vesper started to get angry.

"What do ya mean there's more soup?!"

"There's just more soup!"

"Go inter' the next isle!"

"There's still soup!"

"Where are ya right now?!"

"I'm at soup!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YER 'AT SOUP'?!"

"I MEAN I'M AT SOUP!"

"WHAT STORE ARE YA IN?!"

"I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!"

"WHY ARE YA BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!"

"BUCK YOU!"

Discord Tries To Mind Control Twilight Into Sex

She resisted.

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WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?!

DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System 3

they invesgedg the body

"Yep, he's dead," said Night.

"Oh good," Byakuya-ed Worm, "we didn't know that yet."

"I'm in shock I guess," said Vesper.

"fudscjjin triedsl" beEeREr

"I have no fucking idea what you just said."

At the trial.

"Someone burned clothes in the fire thing," said Mjr Success.

"Vesper likes fire it was her," Byakuya-ed Worm.

"Fuck you," she replied.

"To be fair, he did die in her room after he raped him," noted Night.

"Fuck you."

"Guys, really?" Asked Tanya. "There was dog hair near the incinerator. Only one of us is a canine and Dig could get in there easily anyway."

"LE NOPE," said Dig.

"Are you not horse Russian like I?" Asked Ms. Direction.

"IDFK. HOW WOULD I GET INTO THE FIRE THINGANYWYA"?

"You're a Diamond Dog, you obviously fucking dug you disgusting, mangy piece of scum," said Bog.

"You seem stressed," said Quick, "Why don't you Toko break?"

"Eat shit and die."

"Um, everyone?" Asked Violent. "Could we just calm down? There's no need to be fuCKING ASSHOLES FUCK YOU ALLLLLLL"

everyone calmed down

she svaed honaka

what a chihiro

Everyone voted for Dig and he got dog toys thrown at him until he died.

"That execution seemed a bit racist," noted Night.

"I need to go clean my bathroom," said Vesper, who had been triggered by the word 'that' and needed to cry.

DanganVesper 3: The Revenge Of The Educational System 7

She didn't find shit.

Trials and shihiththiththt

xtrfcghvjbnbgytfRDECJHGVBNbhgftrfthgvb said Mondokuma

"Okay, so we know it wasn't Worm because reasons," said Tanya, "but-"

"Wait," said Vesper, "why the fuck can't it be Worm?"

"I already said I didn't do it and that's all the evidence you need," Byakuya'd Worm.

"Yeah, no, fuck you. I'm voting for you now." Vesper voted for Worm.

"wrong but fucj it dclose enugh" said monotone

"Wait, what?" Cried Worm. But it was too late, a chain pulled him to a thing and he was pissed on until he died.

"Just out of curiosity," said No, "does the actual killer still get rewarded?"

"the rewrd was tof fuckin not get yuoyt tniky diiick tofld about" said Currylord

"Crap."

The Adventures Of Drunk Monokuma

Brobear the Dudeguy wandered around the highschool of hop, getting pissed off about the 'no two legs on the ground at once' rule.

"fuickin lemeae qwas;l and noujtr hopp" said Bro the Bear the Dudeguy as he hopped into his shed.

"Bro," said Gray Penis the Son. "Why is there a shed here and why am I in it?"

"nthbgsrfcdgibuhjkngtvfcdxhuoilkjnmgreasdhuoilkjnmgaerfdschiolkjm"

"Oh, bro, I now know, ya ho." Penis became Day Tentacle and flew away. there was totally a horse there relating this to mlp totes

bro the bear the dude the guy drank beer the enend

Story Time With Pickleless

It was bright and sunny when Celestia woke up. This was somewhat worrying, as she'd fallen asleep while she was holding up the moon and pretending it was Luna's doing. Celestia chuckled to herself, her eyes still closed. I can't believe Luna still thinks she's the one raising the moon, I'd thought for sure that after literally thousands of years she'd realise how useless she was!

Celestia opened her eyes and-

"Cut! Dammit, people, we need to establish the surrounding before making the joke!"

"What joke? My sister is genuinely useless."

"Yeah, yeah, save it for the camera. Get back in place. Okay; action!"

It was bright and sunny when Celestia woke up. This was somewhat worrying as she'd fallen asleep in the middle of the night. She opened her eyes and found herself in the middle of a field.

"Huh," she 'huh'ed. "This sort of thing hasn't happened in a while. I should look around, Scootaloo might have been taken here too."

"Celesmo! How many times do I have to tell you?! This isn't in the same universe as Home is For The Weak!"

"I was just making a reference for your fans!"

"Something that direct doesn't work as a reference!"

"But-!"

"Shut up! Take it from the top. Ready? Action!"

It was bright and sunny when Celestia woke up. This was somewhat worrying as she'd fallen asleep in the middle of the night. She opened her eyes and found herself in the middle of a field.

"Huh," she 'huh'ed. "This sort of thing hasn't happened in a while." She tried to find something that gave away where exactly she was, but couldn't find anything in the three seconds she searched. "Darn my, uh..."

"What's the line?"

"Darn my gringey attention span."

"Okay, thanks."

"Darn my gringey attention span!" A squirrel hopped over to her and sunk its teeth into her leg. "F###! S###! Ow!" She kicked it off and got into her battle stance. "I will take you down, demon!"

"Alright, that'll do for a first take."

"Okay. Where's my stunt double?"

"I'm right here."

"Namgam, get into place. Dr Numbnuts, are you ready?"

"As long as I'm paid more than these plebeians, absolutely."

"Wait, you're paying the squirrel more than us?!"

"No, he's just being a dick."

"You aren't paying me more?! Then screw this! I refuse to do this fight scene!"

"No, wait! Come back! Shit! We'll have to use the backup stunt double. Dragon, get into place."

"Okay."

"Let's just get this Christmas special done before the fans get angry. Okay, act-!"

"Did somebody say angry fans?!"

"FUCK OFF, QUICK WIT!"

"Hey! Calm down! You're not supposed to be this sour, you're pickle-less!" : D

...

...

...

...

...

"Fuck you, Namgam."

Of Clowns And Pirates

So I saw a picture of the new Changeling designs. My thought process went something like this:

"Oh. They look kinda stupid. I'm glad I'm not interested in the show anymore, it really seems to have been going on for too long. I mean, they do stuff like this just to sell more toys, but the original designs of Changelings looked way better. Non-black Changelings look very silly and-"

And then I remembered what my Brony avatar has been since day 1.