Brad Butters Derpy's Muffins

by SonniPony

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy, Romance
Length: 1372

Brad has a close encounter of the waifu kind

This was a joke made for my University's brony club. Brad is our president. Derpy is his waifu. Shoutout to the shipping goddess Carolyn, Hilori, queen of Hiloritopia, and Nic the Husbando.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-16 04:54:46 UTC

The only chapter this story needs

"Alright everypony, that wraps up our unofficial meeting. I'll see you all on Tuesday for our official meetup."

The ponybro's walked out of business building, despite being told they couldn't use the room for their equestrian meetings. These people and this building of course has nothing to do with the story and will never be mentioned again.

Brad started the long walk back to his dorm, all the way in... I wanna say... nor-w-east-ollock? I don't fucking know. Brad walked back to his fucking dorm. The cold crisp air air filled the college campus.

Walking into whatsit hall, Brad felt as though something was off. When he got to his floor, he became increasingly alarmed to find his door unlocked. Stepping uneasily into his room, he found his lights wouldn't turn on. "What the?-"

Brad  didn't get a chance to finish his statement as he was blindsided and knocked to the floor. It felt like he'd been hit by a horse. Actually, Brad WAS hit by a horse. A pony to be exact. A grey pony to be precise. A grey pony with a yellow mane to be perfectly accurate.

"Hi there brad! I kinda broke your lights on accident, my bad!" The mare said apologetically.

Brad was speechless. His mouth hung open like a gift horse, unable to decide whether to say "What in the fuckity fuck's fuck is going on" "holy shit derpy is in my room" "Derpy I want to have your babies" or "You're not supposed to appear until after my FOURTH cocaine sandwich!"

But Brad didn't need to say a word. Or any of the words that would've comprised any of the previous sentences. Derpy saw the look in his eyes and knew the emotions goingh through his head. She found nothing awkward about the fact that Brad was wearing her as a hat.

"It's okay brad! I know what you're thinking. And yes, I did make you a romantic dinner. And no, it's not juuuuust muffins. There are also cupcakes!"

Uneasily, Brad sat down.He didn't think he'd injected THAT many marijuanas. He thought maybe he'd slap himself to pull him out of this halucination, when something else did that for him. A small potted plant came down and crashed right on his head.

"Huh? What? That's not even physically possible! I don't have any potted plants or anything RESEMBLING a potted plant! How the-"

Brad was interrupted by Derpy, and in the cutest voice to ever cross Brads ears said "I just don't know what went wrong!" As she began tearing up, believing it to be her fault.

"No, Derpy don't cry! It's okay! I'm fine, and... I really appreciate you coming here and bringing me dinner." Brad softly stroked the mare's cheek. Derpy looked deeply into Brad's eyes, and Brad stared into her soul. He was overwhelmed and leaned forward, slowly. He puckered his lips, and inches from his waifu, she placed a hoof on his lips, being very careful not to crush his skull.

"No Brad" She whispered. Brad suddenly was overwhelmed with guilt and remorse.He looked away, on the verge of tears. "Not without propper mood lighting."

Brad turned back to face the pegasus as she lit a match- wait, what? That doesn't make any sense. How the fuck does she light a match? She doesn't have hands or magic! Ugh, whatever. Let's continue this trainwreck.

Derpy lit a match and walked over to a tall phallic shaped silhoette and after a gentle caress, placed the match to the top. Very interested in the phallic object, Brad leaned in for a closer look. He was relieved to find that it was not, as he had assumed with his dirty mind, a penis, but was actually a stick of dynamite. WAIT, HUWHAT? BRAD. IF THERE WAS ANYTHING AT ANY POINT IN THIS STORY TO ALARM YOU, THIS WOULD BE IT! "Oh right, sorry. My bad." Brad whispered to the narrator.

"Senpai, who are you talking to?" Asked Derpy. Brad felt very stupid for breaking the fourth wall and promptly hit himself.

"But I don't want to-" BRAD PROMPTLY HIT HIMSELF.

"OW! That hurt you fucker!"

Derpy sensed that something was very wrong here. "Brad?"

"Derpy, are you crazy, you just lit a-"

Once again, Brad's words were cut short. Derpy once again placed a hoof to his lips. "Shhhhhhh. No talking now. Only love." Derpy stood on her hind hooves and let her lingerie fall to the floor, revealing her bubble butt. (Haha, see what I did there? IM SO FUNNY LOLOLOL) Brad was transfixed on Derpy's derobing. Not because he was into this or anything, but because moments ago she wasn't wearing anything. The clothes had seemingly materialized out of thin air. Brad glanced over to the dynamite and found the fuse totally burnt out. Had it been a dud? Or was it just some kind of gag candle? I don't fucking know. Brad was pretty sure he was about to get it on with a technicolor pony who materialized lingerie, potted plants, and lit matches out of thin air, he stopped expecting things to make sense a long time ago.

"Guess we'll have to light another one." Derpy said as she lit another candle. Brad looked, and was shocked to find this one WAS an actual phallic candle. Oh well. It was just another thing Brad would slam under the "things that don't make sense in this" category.

Derpy grabbed Brads hand and led him to his bed where she would lay on top of him. Brad let out a hearty "umph" struggling to breath. He was not prepared for this and thought it was funny that human x pony shipfics always seem to leave out how ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HEAVY A HORSE IS. I MEAN SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE FUCK, THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE. THEY ARE NOT LIGHT IN THE SLIGHTEST.

But Brad didn't care. Brad didn't care about the penis candle, the pot falling on his hand, or even the stick of dynamite. He didn't care about how none of this made ANY sense. All that mattered to Brad was that his waifu was there, in his bed, throwing herself at him. Brad embraced Derpy and pulled her close.

"Derpy, why did you actually come here?"

Derpy leaned in and whispered "I want you to butter my muffins. I want you to spread it real good all over my muffins. I want every square inch of my muffins coated with your butter."

"D-Derpy... This is so sudden..."

"I know Brad, but I don't have butter like you do. And my muffins are dry and need buttering."

Brad knew he didn't have a choice. And so, he reached down. Way down low. Reaching and grabbing for what he seeked, and he found it...

The handle of his mini fridge, as he pulled it open and removed a stick of butter.

"Oh, take my muffins and butter them." The mare gave Brad her virgin muffins, and he slowly coated them in his butter. Time slowed down as he buttered Derpy's muffins real good.

"Ohhh, oh Brad just like that!" Derpy moaned as Brad did the deed.

After an amount of time passed that was far longer than any normal person should ever take to butter a muffin, the act was finished. Derpy's muffins were sufficiently coated in Brad's butter.

"Oh Brad you were excellent, the best!"

"Wanna make out?" Brad asked

"Sure, why not?"

It was then Brad was upon her, their eagerness pushing them together in a warm embrace as he holds her tight.They melted together in passion, Brad moaned as he broke the kiss, faces flushed panting for air. Brad smiled down at Derpy till he whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror! If anything I can say this cabis rare, but I thought "now forget it. Yo homes to bel air!' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie 'yo homes smell ya later!' I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to settle my throne as the prince of Bel Air!