Finding Self
View Online

The Great and Powerful Problem

Finding Self

Trixie sat alone, thinking.

'What went wrong? Was it them? It couldn't possibly have been me? Right? I mean, I am the Great and Powerful Trixie. I don't make mistakes.

'Don't kid yourself,' a cold Trixie voice replied in her head. 'As if you're perfect. Why couldn't you defeat that Ursa Minor then?'

'Shut up,' came the reply. 'So that was a bust. Those stupid ponies shouldn't have done that! Somepony could have been hurt or killed! Still, I'm not sure why I told that story....

'You're an attention hog,' came the cold Trixie voice. 'And you're right, they shouldn't have done it. But do they know better? You should know better than making up stories that big.'

Trixie began to pace.

'To be forgotten is worse than death. Even if it's bad attention, it's better than none. Not that I got bad attention before those brats ruined me. I'll never forgive them for that!

'Did they? Or did you?'

Trixie paused. Okay, maybe both sides are at fault. But it wasn't just me. They couldn't just be nice, could they?'

'They were. Twilight even tried to talk to me...We are the same, you know. I'm just the part of your mind that is honest. Part of your conscience. Or sub conscience mind. Take your pick.'

'Well then tell me why I need attention so much.'

'I need self discovery to grow. Figure it out.'

Trixie sighed. 'Okay, well as a foal I was spoiled. And told I could do anything. I was loved, I was adored really.'

'Good start.'

'But I care about my family. Other than them, I only care about myself.'

'Why?' The voice was getting less cold.

'They're boring and mindless. They are so easy to manipulate. If it's not me, it's somepony else they fawn over. Even they're manipulating the other ponies, and they act all high-and-mighty innocent.'

'There is no shame in following, not all ponies can be leaders. Leaders wouldn't even exist without followers.'

'I would rather die than follow.'

'You just might. You're getting feverish, and haven't eaten in two days.'

'I'm fine. But why do they matter? They only care about what interests them.''

'No. That's projecting self onto others.'

'No, they do it too. And mindlessly. They act like they're such good ponies. Well, I'm the poor outcast, and no pony could give a flying feather less. At least I'm honest about how much I care.'

'It's like the only thing. And that's not even true, I'm lying to myself.'

'That's confusing. Say you.'

'Fine. You do care about others, at least what they think.''

'I wish I were Princess Celestia. They'd be in awe of me then.'

'You mean love you, right?'

'Respect at least. I mean, I do my best and no one cares.'

'Boast less, and they'd respect you.'

'Kiss my flank. It's harmless exaggeration. Part of showmanship, nothing more or less.'

'That would be true, if it was just a little. And it could have gotten somepony hurt.'

'One time it was a factor. How was I supposed to know they were that stupid? No pony would think anypony is that stupid!'

'Touche. Point for you. Still not the point. You're empty, and you want to fill that void.'

'Thought you weren't giving answers.' Haughty, I-knew-better tone.

'You're slow.' Mental shrug.

'Shut up.'

'And fragile, always have been. A big part of why you were spoiled. They were afraid...'

'I am not! I'm a strong leader!'

'So sad. Mostly because you could be, but likely never will. You could get far more admiration being yourself, by the way.'

'How so?' Suspicion.

A sigh. 'You're stronger than you know. You just rely on boasts too much to know it.'

'Honestly, my magic is second-rate.'

'It's better than you think. And you have potential. Practice magic, not your boasting.'

'How about both? You act like my boasting is all wrong.'

'Touche. But do you truly understand how?'

'No.' Flatly.

'Hopeless. You should do build up, not just blindly boast.'

'How? By saying I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, have a wonderful show for you?'

'Not bad. Then explain it. You're getting it.'

'They'll laugh at me.'

'They'll respect you. But why do you care? They're just mindless, remember?'

'Secretly, I'm jealous.'

'Why?'

'They're so happy.'

'And you're not...Why?'

'I don't fully know. I don't feel special.'

'Everypony is special.'

'So no pony is?' Snide.

'No, that's not right. No pony is exactly like any other.'

'Sure.' Sarcastic tone.

'Could they really care? It doesn't seem like it.'

'If you went back, you'd see how wrong you are.'

'Not ready yet. I want a new start.'

'Tell them that?' Slightly condescending.

'It's not a true new start if they remember. They might try not to, but it will slightly at least affect how they treat me.'

'Maybe just a little, but trust is earned. Earn things for once, stop whining and expecting things to be given to you.'

'I do not do that.' Defensive.

She received a scathing, mental glare.

'Don't do that! It hurts. I just want a fair chance is all. Anypony would want that.'

'You try to act like you're so much better. So why say that?'

'I'm still a pony.'

'So you're not perfect?'

'I...guess not...'

'Progress.' Aproval.

'Do I really have to be nice?' Whining.

'You don't have to do anything. But you should be nicer at least.'

'I..guess..I can..try?'

'Good. So you're lonely?'

'Yes.'

'But trying to be alone?'

'Not ready.'

A sigh. 'You'll never think you are. Though you're not quite. Think about your foalhood, and people.'

'Well again I was loved, adored, spoiled. I was encouraged to do whatever I wanted, not do what I didn't. If it bored me, I was encouraged to drop it.'

'And interactions with others?'

'Was discouraged from that.'

'Why?'

'How should I know?'

'They needed you to need them. You were taught to need, but not to give. Learn to give.'

'How?'

'The same way you learn how to interact with others. Try it.'

'I...I guess...Am I ready?'

'As you can be...' A mental smile. 'Good luck.'

'Watch out Ponyville! The Great and Powerful Trixie is returning.

Filled with a newly found confidence and perspective, Trixie headed to Ponyville. The future was bright to her, and it was far brighter than it had been. New adventures, and possibly friends, lay ahead of her. And there was much more possible than she even hoped for.