The AVGN reviews a MLP game
The AVGN entered his basement and started to browse his collection. He was looking for the worst game he had in there. Worse than Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, or even worse than Big Rigs or Castlevania: Simon's Quest. He just walked around his big collection searching for a really bad one. But he couldn't find none. Was the curse finally over? Was he done reviewing bad games? He shifted his sight to the shelf full of NES cartridges.
"This can't be possible, there must be another horrible game around here." He said.
The Nerd approached to the shelf and looked at it with disdain. How could it be? So many bad games... And the worst ones he remembered were NES games, the console he very much appreciated and gave him so many fond memories, but also the most frustating ones. His eyes scanned all the games with detail and he saw Hydlide, Dick Tracy and Ikari Warriors... Just some of the shitstains in the NES library. While memories of these horrible games were flashing in his mind, a bright flash of light shined behind him. The Nerd turned around and what he found wasn't a pleasant sight. It was a snake-like creature with wings and horns. It had yellow eyes and its legs and arms were all scrambled up. And it could talk.
"Hello there." The shadowy figure said.
"What the fuck are you? And what are you doing in my fucking Game Room?!" The Nerd went to grab his Super Scope, but the creature somehow teleported right in front of him invading a little his personal space.
"My name is Discord and I'm the embodiment of Chaos!"
The Nerd tried to make some sense out of this... Discord. "Okay, what the fuck do you want?" He said.
"Why, I made a little game for you. I hope you like it."
With a snap of his finguers, Discord made an Atari 5200 cartridge appear out of thin air, and gave it to the Nerd.
"An Atari 5200 game? No fucking way. I'm not playing with that shitty console again." He said, and threw the cart to the trash.
"You are a little nitpicky aren't you?" Discord said and laughed.
"Did you see that fucking console before? It's the worst fucking thing I've ever saw in my goddamn life. Well, after the Virtual... Hey, why am I telling you this? I must be too fucking drunk. Get the fuck out."
"Well now you are being insolent." Discord said. With another snap, he made the Atari 5200 cart disappear and made another cartridge, this time a NES one. "How about this one?" Discord said and extended his paw to the Nerd.
"How the fuck do you do that?" The Nerd said. He grabbed the cart. "A NES game. Now we're talking."
"Well, I'm glad we could come to a nice arrangement. Now play it."
"Shut the fuck up! You're not my boss!"
"You are lucky that magic doesn't affect humans or else, you would be a little ant by now."
"I don't know what the fuck you are talking about... But I'm going to play this shitty game so I don't have to listen to you."
The cart was similar to that Barbie game. It was all pink and the title said "My Little Pony". He counted six ponies in a group photo position. They were staring at him, and that creeped him out a little. He approached his T.V, turned it on and penetrated his Nintoaster with the cart. He turned it on and there it was: The My Little Pony logo with the girliest music possible.
"Oh no, the diarrhea level is already stacking up. The music..." He turned to Discord. "I don't care that it's girly, but it's so fucking horrible! My ears are already bleeding from this piece of shit! This music is at the level of Winter Games! I'm. Dead. Fucking. Serious."
Discord gave a good and maniatical laugh while the Nerd stared at him. "What is Winter Games?" Discord inquired.
"It's just the shittiest sports game to ever exist. But anyway... Are you going to be here while I play this piece of crap?"
"I don't think so. Fluttershy must be looking for me back in Equestria. But I'll be back. Goodbye!" Discord snapped his fingers one more time and in the next second he was gone. The Nerd stared at the empty space where Discord was a second ago, trying to decide if this was real, or if he was dreaming, or if he was simply drunk.
"Well, the game is already on the Nintoaster, so I guess I'll play it. Boy oh boy, this is going to fun..." The Nerd deadpanned. He grabbed a bottle of Rolling Rock and drank a big gulp. Then he grabbed his NES controller and sat on the couch with his trusty bottle of beer to his side. He pressed the start button and the intro showed up. He was met with the face of a pink pony that told him her name. "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!" She said.
"Shit, it's Ghostbusters all over again." He remembered that voice saying "Ghostbusters!" at the title of the game, and took another gulp from his bottle of beer.
"What's Ghostbusters?" Pinkie Pie said. The Nerd, seeing this, sppited out all the beer.
"What the fucking fuck?" The Nerd said, but Pinkie Pie gave no response and the level loaded up. The character that the he was playing as was none other than Pinkie Pie herself. He just didn't mind what happened and tried to imagine it never took place.
"Just a sidescroller? This can't be possible, coming from an entity that calls himself the embodiment of Chaos."
The first level was a colorful little town, with one sign that said "Ponyville" in it, which, the Nerd guessed, was the name of the place. There were some ponies in the background, which was surprisingly well done. He started moving Pinkie Pie on the screen, but instead of walking or running, she was bouncing with the happiest grin of all time.
"How come she is bouncing? That's not normal, even for a fucking pink pony. This is LJN levels of shit. "
He advanced more and tried to attack with the "B" button, but it didn't work.
"Fuck, the buttons are fucking swapped. Why no one undestands that "A" is for jumping? But, seeing that this fucking pony is bouncing, I'll just... Ugh."
While he was... Bouncing, he encountered another pony. A blue winged one. It was standing there, and its shape was similar to Pinkie Pie's so, the Nerd guessed it was a female too. It started to talk in the fashion of Zelda II. "Hey Pinkie! Twilight is waiting for us in the library." It said. But as the Nerd pressed the button to make the text disappear, more text appeared. "Okey Dokey Lokey Dashie!"
"Huh, that's strange. Usually, the character you are playing as, doesn't answer what other NPC's say. And what's with the names? They are stupid beyond belief." The Nerd said.
He continued his path, engaging on some enemies that were round, colorful mosquitoes that he could eliminate easily. The attack of Pinkie Pie was a cannon that appeared out of nowhere when he pressed the "A" button and it fired conffetti. The game was starting bore the Nerd when the screen stopped scrolling and Pinkie Pie was in front of a big tree that resembled some kind of house. He tried the "up" button to enter the tree but it didn't work, he also tried the "B" button and the "A" button but none of them worked. Then, he tried pressing combinations of buttons until Pinkie entered the tree house.
"Oh you have to be fucking kidding me. To enter the tree you have to press "Down" and "Select". What kind of stupid control is that? This game sucks the big one. It's a steaming pile of pony shit."
The screen showed the six ponies of the cart and they were chatting. Then, some text popped up. "Okay girls, we need to find the Elements!" As soon as the Nerd pressed the button to go to the next text, the level two screen appeared.
"Wait, what? What is this shit? I thought they were going to explain something! What the fuck are the Elements?!"
The second level started, he advanced a little, without encountering any enemies, and then, he found a gold necklace with a butterfly in it. Naturally, the Nerd approached it and grabbed it. The screen said: "Good! You found: Kindness." It stayed in there for a few seconds and then it displayed the level three prompt.
"Uhh... This has to be the shortest and easiest level in videogame history! This is as lazy as it gets! What a piece of dog shit. And what the fuck is kindness? Well, I obviously know what it is, but why is it an object here?! What was Discord thinking?!"
In the third level, he had to battle all kinds of enemies with crazy patterns, which killed him in ten seconds flat. He sat there, mouth hanging.
"What. The. Fuck. This can't be possible, I mean, in one level you go through it like it's a walk in the beach, but in the other it's hell itself! It's inconsistent as fuck! I just..." The Nerd sat there, aghast, watching the T.V, as the "Game Over" screen was being displayed. "What? No lives? No continues? This is fuck beyond belief! I'm glad that the first two levels are so easy now!"
The Nerd tried to complete the third level lots of times, everytime approaching more and more to the end but he was always killed ruthlessly by the passing ponies at incredible speed, the mosquitoes and the pegasi, with impossible patterns to master. But if anything, he is persistent, and finally, he finished the third level and found a second necklace with an apple. The screen read: "Good! You found: Honesty."
"Oh my fucking God, I thought I wasn't going to finish that damn level. Let's see what other stupid shit has this game for me." He sat there, thinking for a moment. "Fucking Discord... At least this time I know who made this game. When he comes back, I'm going to kill that son of a bitch. He's going to regret ever making this lowsome piece of fucking shit."
Fourth level, Pinkie appeared and the Nerd started to advance. This level was fairly difficult, but not unforgiving, it had some cheap sections but nothing too abnormal, at the end he found the same necklace as the others but this one had a red thunderbolt. This one was called "Loyalty" by the game.
"It seems like Discord put a little more effort in this one... But the game is still shit. Nothing will save it. And how come the game has lives and unlimited continues now? That's some fucked up shit."
The next two levels, were the exact same replica as the fourth level, but the necklaces changed: In the fith level he found a necklace with a diamond on it, which the game called "Generosity" and in the sixth level he found another one with a balloon that the game called "Laughter".
"Oh, this is cheap and lazy, the levels are exactly the same, the only thing changing are the necklaces... What the fuck is with the necklaces anyway? What does loyalty have to do with a fucking thunderbolt? I'm going to guess that these are the so called Elements, but the game doesn't bother to fucking explain it!"
Seventh level, this one was extremely different and it was ruthlessly difficult again, even more than the third level, the Nerd tried it so many times that he couldn't bear it anymore. He got up the couch and grabbed his Game Genie. He wanted to test it out with this game. The second he introduced the Game Genie to the cart, a paper appeared at his side.
"Hello Nerd,
I forgot to give you... Some codes. I hope you find a good use out of them.
Discord."
"Well, jeez, thanks you fucking snake."
The Nerd introduced the code that supposedly lets him go to the eighth level, but when he introduced it, the face of Pinkie Pie popped up. "You meanie! You shouldn't cheat!" Then the game went to the title screen. He stood there, mouth agape.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuuuuuck! Fuck you! You fucking piece of shit! I'd rather eat the asshole of a fucking dog than play this steaming pile of goat shit!" He grabbed his beer and took a long gulp. "Fuck you Discord!" He looked at the T.V, his expression extremely angry. "I'm tired of this stupid game..." He used his best face of determination. "But, I have to finish what I've started."
So, the Nerd started to play the levels of the game again, he failed a couple of times on the third level, but he did it anyway. He continued to play the other levels until he came to the unholy seventh level. Like last time, he tried it lots of times but he eventually did it. At the end of the level he didn't find a necklace. He found some sort of crown with a six-pointed star that the game called "Magic", but he was too tired to care anymore. The prompt for the eighth level appeared and when it started, the first thing that came to his attention was that the background was totally different, it was like some sort of castle, secondly, he wasn't playing as Pinkie Pie now, he was playing as a purple unicorn.
"What the fuck happened with the pink pony?"
The enemies were ponies with gold armor but their eyes were strange... They were like... Hypnotized. This level was like level four, difficult, but not too much. The Nerd reached a big door at the end of it.
"Ohhhh, I smell boss!"
He was correct. The boss was fucking Discord. Anyway, he battled Discord, and after a few shots out of the unicorn's horn, the other five ponies come out of nowhere. They put on their necklaces and they zap Discord with a rainbow.
"They defeat him with a rainbow. A fucking rainbow... But fuck, after all the shitty levels I went through, he makes himself a fucking whimp, he's the easiest boss I've defeated!" The Nerd said.
Without any warning, the horrible music from the title starts to play and the screen shows some text.
"What? This cannot be the end boss! What the fuck... And UGHHH, that fucking music!" He took a gulp of beer. "Anyways... Let's see what does it say." The Nerd approached his face to the T.V to read out loud. "Conglaturation. You defeated Discord and Equestria is at peace once more. Now go and rest my little ponies."
He sat on his couch, reading every word again, taking them in.
"Oh come on! That fucking typo again?! How come it's so difficult to write congratulations? What a piece of shit this was. Only eight levels, inconsistent as shit, the controls are shit, the music is shit, everything about this game is shit, fuck it to hell! Fuck Discord and his fucking game!"
The Nerd pressed a random button on the controller and the boss battle with Discord started again.
"What the fuck? I just defeated you!"
After he went again through the boss battle, the music started playing again, but the text was different.
"You cannot defeat Chaos, Nerd!" The Nerd read out loud. "Oh, yeah, real fucking smooth, Discord. This doesn't make any kind of sense. I must be mad." Suddenly, the bright light from before appeared, it was Discord.
"Hello, Nerd, what did you think of my little game?" Discord said, looking at the Nerd with a mischievous face.
"What did I think of your fucking game? Do you want to know?" The Nerd said, enraged.
"Yes, please, tell me." Discord said, looking at him with puppy eyes.
"It makes me want to have an anal evacuation."
"What?" Discord said.
The Nerd grabbed the cart from the Nintoaster, threw it to the ground and took a massive dump on it.
"And that's what I think about your fucking game, Discord."
The End.
Author's Note
Okay... So, that was my first fic here... So, if you liked it, good! If you didn't like it, please, write down why you didn't like it in the comments so I can improve in the future! Also, English is not my first language, so, please point out any mistakes.
