I Just Don't Know What to Sayby Life-WireChaptersPrologue: I Just Don't Know What to SayCH 1: Keep me saneCH 2: Learning from anotherPrologue: I Just Don't Know What to SayLetter one I just don’t know what to say...other than it was my fault. I look down at my hooves everyday, empty, lost, broken, and where you used to be. I always think back to the past, I always think about what we used to have and whenever I do...I cry. I remember how busy you used to be, I remember how you went on so many trips without me and I just looked down on myself...wishing that I was holding you every second you were away. Now I sit alone in my own home just thinking of what I did to make you walk away. Everything about you was what I dreamed about, you were intelligent, had a great personality, you were always fun too be around, and you were just being you...you didn’t even have to try to make my heart skip a beat. You may have shouted at times and I may have shouted back, we went through tough times when we were together. Yet what I don’t understand is why...we stopped. We had so much in common, so much that if I wrote the list this letter would be ten pages long. What made us not be “us” anymore? I’ve been asking myself that question all this time since we just stopped. I remember when I helped you through middle school and high school, we were like siblings that could never be separated. I remember all the parties we went to together, always having a good time and waking up in someponies backyard. We were wild, tempted to do anything no matter the risk. Soon though...you got this job which you wouldn’t tell me what it was but, apparently it was super important and personal. You went all over the place and we could barely keep in contact, writing and sending letters to each other as soon as we possibly could. I kept sending and sending more and more, soon you stopped replying...and I felt crushed as if you forgotten about me. Then I get a letter from you after months of no response saying, “Don’t send anymore letters, were through.” What did I do to you? Was I too clingy, was I bugging you too much, are we just not the same like we used to be? I wanna know...I need to know. Please respond, The one you loved... Letter two I was just going through my stuff and found an old picture of us together at an old amusement park we always used to go to. I went to see this amusement park again only to find that it was torn down years ago. This is the place where we first started to love each other, the place I always liked to go with you. I just wanna know where you are at this point cause I know….I know these letters are getting to you. Please respond, The one you loved… Letter three It’s been a couple months since my last letter to you, still no response. I just wanna know if I did something wrong to make you not want to talk to me or even notice my existence. A recent memory of us has come back to my mind, the day you and me went to that beach. I know I’m being vague and you probably don’t even care that I’m writing these things but, these letters are keeping me sane right now. Anyways I remember sitting on the beach with you way late at night just watching the waves as the moon shined down on the water. We smiled as we looked over to each other, you looked into my eyes and promised me “we will never drift apart.” I still believe we have something, or am I holding on to false hopes that we are still “us.” I’m confused, lost at every turn and for some reason I just don’t stop writing these things...they seem pointless to me at this point but, I don’t stop… Please...I need a response, The one you loved… Letter four A year has passed I tried to stop writing, I tried to stop thinking about you...I can’t do it. Everything I do, you are always there...I feel like I’m going insane without you. I sound like I’m over reacting but I’m not...I just can’t stop. What happened, seriously what happened!? I don’t hear from you at all anymore, you haven’t even come back home once! Is there something I did, is there something wrong with what I was doing, did I say something wrong JUST answer me please! I think you’ve left me waiting long enough, just stop ignoring me...I know you’re getting these I know you are...and whoever is just respond to me...please. I’m literally crying as I write this as you can see by the tear stains on the paper. I’m losing contact with ponies cause I barely leave my house anymore. I just, I’m so depressed and I know I am...I’m seeking help with this and it’s not working...I just need some closure please just please tell me what’s the matter...please. The one you loved… Letter five A few months have passed since my last letter. To be honest I should've stopped with these letters long ago, I just can’t do it though. My psychologist told me to stop writing these to you, that it would make me feel better...I came home and laughed. That would never help me, I don’t know what made him think that. It worked for a little bit though I won’t lie, I stopped and I was slowly getting better. However more memories came back to me about our past and what we did together. I just don’t understand how we could’ve had such great times together and somehow it just ended. I just need one letter from you….just one, it doesn’t even have to be long, I just wanna know why this all ended. The one you loved… Response one, to letter five Okay I’m responding, are you happy now? Listen I understand I told you to stop sending me letters and that were through, but I can’t see you go on like this. You’re an amazing pony and I didn’t want to tell you this way but...I’m never coming back okay. I’m sorry but that’s the way it is. As much as I wish I could just come back to you, I just can’t. I want you to live your life, I don’t want you wasting your time with me. I’m sorry but stop sending me letters, Sandra Heart. Letter six After all that time of me sending you letters why didn’t you just say that after the first or second one. I’ve waited for so long and that’s what you respond with? I can’t just stop sending you letters, I can’t just let you go like that. Tell me where you are, I’ll come get you and we can be together again...please don’t give up on me. Please respond, The one you loved. Response two, to letter six Don’t do this to me alright, I can’t come back and I mean it. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the situation I’m in. The fact that I’m sending these letters is a risk and it’s putting you at risk to, I don’t want that. I know you love me and you don’t want to let me go, I just can’t put you through this trouble that I’m in okay? Promise me you’ll live a happy life AND stop sending me letters...you may respond to this one but make it your last. Sandra Heart Final letter? I can’t promise that...you are my life at this point. I can’t stop thinking about you, I can’t stop putting you everywhere with me. You’re always there and who knows I may break down and write another letter and I’ll go back to just sending a whole bunch of them toward you. I know I seem obsessive with you but I can’t help it. I need you in my life, I don’t want you not talking to me and I definitely don’t want to never see you again! I miss you so much and the fact that you want me to just move on is hurting me! Just let me help you please just let me help, I can do anything no matter the risk, I want to help! Respond or don’t it’s up to you, The one you loved… Response three, to final letter? You can’t help okay, you just can’t! Listen I know you love me, I know you’ll do anything for me, I KNOW you wanna help me out this horrible situation I’m in! In all honesty no matter what you do, you can’t help me. As much as I wish you could, as much as I wish I could get out of this whole mess and get back to you...I don’t know if it’s possible. Let me explain myself, these papers that I’m sending to you look beat up right? That’s because I had to trade for them...I’m not in a good place right now okay and getting you here would just put you in danger. This is why I told you to stop… Please before you put yourself in danger, stop sending me letters. Sandra Heart. Response four, to no letter? Oh my good gosh I know it’s been a really long time, but I got out...somepony helped me escape. I don’t know how long it’s been since I responded to you last and I hope you’re okay. If you get this respond, I need to know if you’re alright. Respond soon. Sandra Heart. Response five, still no letter? Hey are you okay? I got on a train and I’m on my way back home. Usually you would respond and I’m worried that you’re not. Respond soon...I’m on my home. Sandra Heart. Final response, so that’s why… I came home...walked in the house...and you weren’t there. I couldn’t find anything in the house on first glance, but what struck me odd was that the door was unlocked. I was looking around the house cautiously, I checked the kitchen, the first bathroom, the living room, and you were nowhere to be found...I walked into the bedroom...there was blood on the floor. I was shocked and confused so I looked around for you in every corner of that room...you weren’t there. I heard something open the door, I walked out there with a blunt object...I didn’t need to worry. It was an investigator, I asked him where you were...he told me the truth...and now I feel the pain you were feeling...only ten times worse. I just don't know what to say... I’m so sorry… Sandra Heart. Letter found on night stand… I miss you so much you don’t understand...I’m sorry... CH 1: Keep me sane “I see so this is what happened all those years ago?” My psychiatrist said to me. I was looking toward the ceiling, laying down on a couch, trying my hardest not to cry. “That’s correct, and it’s not till just recently that the investigators gave those letters back to me.” “Mmhmm,” he put the letters on his table next to him, “well Ms.Heart on the bright side this will help me with you,” he said bluntly. “Well that’s great and all,” I said slowly sitting up, “but to be honest I really don’t think these sessions are helping me.” “Ms.Heart, I know you can’t see it very well but, these sessions have been indeed helping you.” “I don’t see it,” I responded, “I just don’t see it at all.” “I’m glad you’re being open with this,” he said adjusting his glasses, “but I assure you there is some change. Nothing drastic of course but, little by little you’re starting to get healthier.” He sat up in his chair pulling out a notepad, “now lets do the small stuff and continue this next week. How’s the alcohol consumption going?” I looked at him scratching the back of my head, “It’s getting better, I’m not drinking as much as I used to.” “Good, good,” he wrote that down, “and how is the “getting out of the house and connecting with others” playing out?” “That hasn’t been going so well,” I said honestly, “it’s really hard for me to connect with other ponies for some reason.” “That’s no surprise Ms.Heart it’ll take some time,” he wrote that down as well. “Alright I have another patient here in a couple minutes Ms.Heart so I’m afraid we’ll have to cut it here.” “That’s fine, thank you Dr.Mistral,” I said. “No problem at all Ms.Heart, now get out there, make some friends and find your relaxing point,” he said with motivation in his tone. “I’ll try my best, “ I responded with a soft smile. “Atta girl, don’t forget your sweater it’s pretty cold out there today and good luck,” he said as I was walking out of the room. “Thanks doctor,” I grabbed my sweater then I shut his door behind me and headed for the main entrance of the building. I. Feel. Horrible. It’s been six years since I last seen those letters and they just brought my past right back to me. I was trying to avoid it as much as I could but now I feel I’m falling right back down in the hole and I don’t like it. I’m just about frustrated enough to cry but I’m holding it back, can’t do it in front of ponies I don’t know because for some reason this place was full of ponies...busy day for the doctors I guess. I opened the main doors of the building with a little force and walked out into the snow. It was snowing a little bit, covering every corner of the ground in white fluff. I took a deep breath and began to walk home. I crossed my arms, and gripped the upper part of them. I was just ready to break down right then and there, I wanted to fall down on my hands and knees and just scream….I haven’t felt this way in six years and seeing those letters just made me drop back down in the hole I was climbing out from. Not even the calming, happy sounds of Ponyville was making me feel better like it used to. I always liked coming outside, but today was not one of those days. As I was walking down the road back to my house I got hit in the left shoulder with a snowball. A young filly sprung up from behind a snow fort, “s-sorry!” She said. I looked toward her, “don’t worry about it young one, just careful where you are throwing those.” She tilted her head to the side, “miss are you okay?” I looked at her confused, “what makes you think I’m not okay?” “The tone of your voice says more than what you are saying...at least that’s what my grandpa told me,” she replied. I sighed, “listen I appreciate the concern, especially from somepony as young as yourself but, this problem happens to be personal.” She looked at me with concern now, “you sure you don’t need a friend?” My eyes widened when she said that and for some reason...I smiled, “you have a good head on your shoulders little one, keep it that way...and thank you but I’m a little out of your age to be friends with you.” “I can be friends with anypony as long as I trust them,” she smiled. “For your safety, I wouldn’t be friends with me...I’m not exactly the best,” I replied. “Again thank you but I must be going,” I said as I walked off. “Bye miss!’ The filly said from behind me, I simply held my hand up and waved. I can’t believe a filly tried to help me...am I that obvious? I opened the door to my house and walked in. I closed the door behind me and took off my sweater. I sat down on my couch and put my sweater beside me. I put my hands behind my head and looked toward the ceiling. I closed my eyes and started taking repeated deep breaths to try and relax. I put my arms down to my sides and looked at my t.v. Seeing myself in the reflection I grabbed the remote and turned it on...I didn’t want to see me right now. When the t.v came on the first thing was the news talking about weather, sports, all that nonsense. I didn’t really care though, I just needed some noise in the background. I felt calmer...relaxed even, like everything stopped bugging me...till I heard a knock at the door. I’m hoping it’s just some package or something. I open the door and see no pony in sight. I looked left and I looked right. “Down here!” A voice said from below me. I look down and it’s that filly I talked to earlier, “what are you doing here? Did you follow me?” “Maaaaaaybe,” the filly said sarcastically. I sighed putting a hand on my forehead, “why did you follow me home?” “Like I said before, you looked like you needed a friend,” she smiled ear to ear. I slid my hand down my face, “filly, listen I understand you wanna try and help but seriously it’d be better if you played with or hung out with somepony else.” “Well...my friends came by the minute you left and said they had to go home early,” she said kinda sadly. “So I was thinking “hey that girl was nice, why not hang with her!” I don’t mean to intrude or anything, I just wanted to kinda hang a bit.” “That’s sweet,” I replied in a dull tone. “However filly, I’m not exactly the safest to be around. I’ve been having a lot of mental issues...if you understand what I mean.” I was being blunt with her, hoping to scare her off. “I totally understand what you mean,” she replied in a happy tone. “I had to help my older sister get through some heavy stuff to, I know what it’s like.” You’re kidding right? I try to get rid of her and this is what I get...I got an idea at that moment, something that shouldn’t fail me. “Well okay but wouldn’t your parents not like you hanging out with older ponies such as myself?” This has to work there’s no way it can’t. I looked at her face, her emotion sunk, “I haven’t seen my parents for a long time...I’ve been living with my sister but she’s out of town. So I’ve been at a friends house recently and I told his dad that I would be out with a friend.” Well….don’t I feel bad now. She came to me cause she had no pony to hang out with. I just let out a sigh, “alright come in, but this is really irresponsible of me I hope you know that.” “I know, my friend and his parents are out right now so that’s why I went to friends for company,” she said walking into my house. I shut the door, “why didn’t they take you with them?” I asked. “Well, they said it was a personal family matter,” she replied sitting on my couch. I raise an eyebrow, “that or not they are in charge of you right?” “Well yes, but I said I was gonna be with friends...friends never happened so I came to you,” she said. “I see,” I actually felt bad for her...I don’t even know her name. “I guess since were getting to know each other, might as well introduce ourselves. I’m Sandra Heart, but I prefer when ponies just call me Sandy.” “You got a pretty name,” she said smiling. “My name is Berry Leaves...of course my short name is Berry.” “Alright good to know,” I hand her the t.v remote, “you can watch whatever you please I just kinda have this on for noise.” She took the remote, “I like your house by the way,” Berry said. “You do?” I questioned. “I thought this would be a little messy for you.” “Nah reminds me of my old home actually...not the lay out but the scatteredness of everything,” she said giggling. “Honest are we?” I said. “Oh don’t take offense by it, stuff like this make me feel cozy,” she said. “Mmm like a little disorganization, I see,” I said. “Yeah, and the layout of the house is easily accessible to,” she said. “You got your kitchen over there which isn’t blocked off to the living room so you don’t have to leave the kitchen to watch t.v, your rooms are right down a hall so when you walk out of one you’re basically right into the living room. I like this simplistic stuff.” I turned my head to her slowly, “Whaaaat?” I said confused. “Oh guess I should mention my special talent is interior decorating,” she said with a smile. “Now that all made sense,” I said walking into the kitchen. I opened a cabinet and grabbed a bottle of whisky. I put the whisky on the counter and looked back to the cabinet and pulled out one of my whisky glasses. I twisted the cap to the whisky and poured some into the glass. “Only have two of those a week,” Berry said not even looking at me. “I’m not even gonna question how you knew I was doing this but okay,” I said closing the bottle of whiskey and putting it back into the cabinet. I went over and sat on the couch next to Berry to see what she was watching. “If you don’t mind me asking Ms.Sandy, how long have you been having...whatever it is you’re having,” she asked. I looked down at my cup of whisky and sighed, “about ten years.” “Ten years!” Berry said shocked, “what happened?” “Do you really wanna know?” I asked. “It’s not exactly the prettiest.” “I can handle it,” Berry said confidently. “I’ve listened to a lot of dark stuff in my past and I wanna help you if I can.” I smiled softly and took a sip of my whisky. “Alright sit back....I guess it’s story time.” CH 2: Learning from anotherI stretched my back and sat up on the couch, “it all happened ten years ago. I worked for a division of royal guards back in the day...a stealth division I guess is what you could call it. I was told to break into something and get some evidence for a certain case.” I was being vague so I could keep certain things classified. “However before I went to any of that, I told my coltfriend that I wouldn’t be home for a while.” “You have a coltfriend?” Berry wondered. “It’s part of the story you’ll see,” I cleared my throat. “He didn’t want me to leave but I did...I had no choice but to leave. I went on this mission and my destination was Saddle Arabia.” “Was it nice there?” She asked. “It’s different that’s for sure,” I replied. “It took me about seven days to get there. I already knew the location I had to go to and everything, I knew my target, I knew what I had to do. However things turned for the worse,” I gripped my glass a little tight. “I got captured and thrown into a prison. The part I regret is that I told my coltfriend where I would be. So he consistently kept sending letters to me.” “Awww he was thinking about you,” Berry said. “Yeah I know…” I took another sip of my whisky. “I had to send him a letter back, telling him to stop and that we were through.” “Why would you do that?” Berry asked. “He was putting himself in danger and I didn’t want him to get hurt,” I replied. “However he kept sending and sending and sending. It took me five letters before I could respond because getting even a corner of a piece of paper wasn’t easy in that place I was in. I had to trade for it, I got a few sheets of paper and was able to write back. I tried explaining myself but I couldn’t say anything that would alarm anypony.” “How did he even get the letters to you?” Berry asked. “Well it goes to the mail place of Saddle Arabia and they put my name through a system, they see I’m in jail, they send the letter to the prison, vice versa,” I replied. “At one point in that prison, me and some of the prisoners I made friends with...had a plan to escape.” “Whoa, whoa you’re a runaway convict?” Berry said shocked. “Well not anymore...I got that cleared up years ago,” I said. “Anywho, we got out and far away from that place. I made it to a small town called Apple Loosa. I got a change of clothes and some paper so I could tell him I was out and coming home...now however I had his problem. He wasn’t responding to me this time.” “Oh no,” Berry sounded kinda sad. I took a deep breath and gripped my drink harder trying not cry in front of her. “I wrote three letters...two were toward him cause I wasn’t home yet and the third...was to keep me sane in the situation.” “Did you get to see him again?” Berry asked. “...no,” I replied softly. “It was all because of me to…” A couple of tears began to roll down my cheeks. “It was all because I was trying to keep him safe, but he wouldn’t listen and it didn’t help that being in that stupid prison made my life worse! Yes I know he was worried about me and he wanted to help. In all honesty I still cared for him, I still thought about him, I still needed him, I just didn’t want him to get hurt! So much happened behind those walls that I just don’t want to go into detail about it. It was torture...terrible, terrible things…” There was practically waterfalls coming out of my eyes now. I knew I would break down at some point, but not in front of a filly of all ponies. Berry scooted over to me and gave me a hug, “I’m sorry I asked,” she said quietly. I wiped the tears from my eyes, “don’t worry about it...I’m sorry you had to see that,” I said. Berry hugged me tighter, I knew she was trying to make me feel better but I didn’t feel comfortable hugging back. She stopped hugging me and looked at me dead in the eye, “I could never say that I’ve heard anypony bring up something or go through something like that. I’m sorry you had to go through something as unimaginable as that.” “Again don’t you worry about it okay,” I said. “You are too young to have to deal with what’s wrong with me.” “Shush!” Berry said in a high tone. “I’m your friend now, of course I’m going to help you.” Surprised by how she was acting I reply, “Berry again that’s sweet, but you really shouldn’t be friends with me...I’m doing it for your safety.” “Sandy I just wanna help,” she sounded bummed saying that. “Well I can’t accept your help,” I said in a harsh tone. She started to look sad... “Listen Berry, I appreciate the offer and everything you’ve said. However you’re just a young girl and I can’t let you have responsibility of me or my actions toward you.” She looked down, “can we still be friends?” I’d feel bad if I said no... “of course we can, but no asking about that past stuff okay?” “As you wish Sandy!” Berry said perking back up. I was still feeling down after that whole story but somehow she got me to smile. I don’t know who this filly is deep down, but I have a feeling she’s gonna help turn me around without even helping in the first place. I looked outside and saw it was nighttime, “oh shoot Berry we gotta get you home.” She turned around and looked outside, “oh dang guess we got caught up in talking. Are you gonna walk me home?” “In this weather, of course I am,” I said. I grabbed my sweater and we both went out the door. “Do you know your way home from here?” “Oh yeah, it’s actually not too far,” she replied. “Alright that’s great, let us get there quickly,” I said. I followed her down the road. The wind was gusting a little harsh, blowing snow up into our faces sometimes. Didn’t expect the wind to be so strong tonight. Berry was skipping along happily, I think she was happy she made a friend. Though how much of a non-friend I am going to be, it’s good to see somepony happy. She quickly turned a corner to go down some alley way. Weird place for a family to live, but alright. Berry stopped in front of a door and tried to turn the knob. “Huh it’s locked,” Berry said confused. “Seriously?” I said, “try knocking I guess.” Berry knocked on the door. As she was doing that I was looking at the windows of the house. All the lights seemed to be off, the curtains were pulled shut...and enough time has passed to not have an answer. I walked up to the door and knocked as hard as I could to try to get some attention if anypony was home. Time passed again and there was no answer. I looked down toward Berry, “are you sure they’re home?” “They should be,” she replied sounding a little worried. I knocked once more hoping to get something this time. Again nothing, “Berry I don’t think they’re home.” “They told me they’d be home by five something. You have a watch?” Berry asked. “I do,” I said looking at my watch, six thirty. “It’s a hour and a half past that.” “That’s strange,” Berry replied sounding even more worried. “Don’t worry I’m sure they’re on their way back,” I said. “Lets just wait out here for a few minutes and see if they come back.” “What if they don’t?” Berry asked. “If they don’t...well I’m not sure yet,” I replied. The weather tonight was getting a little fierce so I didn’t want to stand out here too long. I’m kind of hoping they’re just around the corner. Berry was drawing in the snow, “hey Sandy.” “Yes?” I looked down at her. “What were your parents like?” She asked. “My parents?” I said puzzled. “Yeah, just curious,” she said looking down at the snow. “Like any average parents I guess. Not too exciting,” I replied. “How about yours?” “Eh,” she replied as she continued drawing. “That’s it?” I asked. “They’re always busy soooo I usually just stay at a friends house or something,” she said. “Sometimes it feels like I barely know my own parents, but what can I argue for? They have good paying jobs that send them on trips a lot. I don’t get to go on them usually, but they do invite me to some. They’re really protective of me for some reason...probably because I’m their only daughter.” A young girl like her who barely knows her own parents. That’s kinda sad actually, I don’t understand how she just smiles through something like that. The wind started gusting harder and the air was getting colder. We couldn’t stay out here much longer. I turn to Berry, “I still don’t see them coming back.” Berry looked up from her drawing and looked around, “this is weird,” she said concerned. “They don’t do something like this normally, they’re very tight on schedules and what not.” Berry looked up at me as I was thinking. I know what I have to do here...and I’m gonna feel bad for doing it because nopony should stay with me. “Berry, I’m gonna offer you to stay at my house for the night.” “Are you sure about that?” Berry asked which confused me because she was all on top of being my friend...wonder why she would suddenly care. “Yes I’m sure,” I replied. “I’m not about to leave you out in the cold like this. Nopony deserves that, we’ll come back in the morning and see if they’re home.” Berry sprung up, “YAY sleepover!” She said with excitement. “Alright let’s get back to my house before the weather gets too bad.” I said. We walked out of the alley and made our way back to my house. I hope these ponies are home when we come by tomorrow and hopefully they don’t freak out when Berry is not there. Still I am curious where they are. It’s two hours past when they said they would be home. As Berry said they’re tight on schedules...so why not this one? I really hope nothing bad happened, I can tell Berry has gone through enough. Berry stood in front of my door waiting for me. I unlocked the door and let us both in. She took off her jacket and I took off my sweater. We hung them both up on the coat hanger by the door. Berry went over to the couch and took a seat. I went over to the closet in the hall and opened it. I grabbed a spare blanket and a pillow for Berry. I close the closet and walk over to her, “I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the couch.” “Please I sleep on couches all the time, don’t worry about me.” Berry replied. I hand her the blanket and pillow, “alright well get sleep whenever you can.” She took the blanket and pillow, “you going to bed already?” She asked. “Yeah,” I replied softly. “I go to bed earlier than the average pony.” “Really, why?” Berry wondered. “I get night terrors,” I said. “I sleep early cause I usually get them once a week and it keeps me awake. I lose sleep because of them so I try to sleep earlier.” “Dang...well you get some sleep then,” she said with a smile. “You kinda deserve it for all the stuff you’ve gone through.” “Alright, you can watch the t.v if you want,” I said. “Good-night Berry.” “Night night Sandy,” she replied. I walk off to my room and push the door closed behind me not holding the handle as it shuts. I take off my pants for a more comfortable sleep. I lay down in my bed and look towards the ceiling. This young filly is probably the weirdest filly I’ve ever met. Though I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t helping even though it’s not that much it’s something. I still don’t understand why she wants to be my friend. I don’t want to allow it but, she’s not gonna give this up. She wants to help, I know she does. I just don’t want her to go through the pressure of having to deal with me...I hope she understands that. I pull the covers up to my chest and then turn on my side. I close my eyes...hoping tonight will be peaceful.
Prologue: I Just Don't Know What to SayLetter one I just don’t know what to say...other than it was my fault. I look down at my hooves everyday, empty, lost, broken, and where you used to be. I always think back to the past, I always think about what we used to have and whenever I do...I cry. I remember how busy you used to be, I remember how you went on so many trips without me and I just looked down on myself...wishing that I was holding you every second you were away. Now I sit alone in my own home just thinking of what I did to make you walk away. Everything about you was what I dreamed about, you were intelligent, had a great personality, you were always fun too be around, and you were just being you...you didn’t even have to try to make my heart skip a beat. You may have shouted at times and I may have shouted back, we went through tough times when we were together. Yet what I don’t understand is why...we stopped. We had so much in common, so much that if I wrote the list this letter would be ten pages long. What made us not be “us” anymore? I’ve been asking myself that question all this time since we just stopped. I remember when I helped you through middle school and high school, we were like siblings that could never be separated. I remember all the parties we went to together, always having a good time and waking up in someponies backyard. We were wild, tempted to do anything no matter the risk. Soon though...you got this job which you wouldn’t tell me what it was but, apparently it was super important and personal. You went all over the place and we could barely keep in contact, writing and sending letters to each other as soon as we possibly could. I kept sending and sending more and more, soon you stopped replying...and I felt crushed as if you forgotten about me. Then I get a letter from you after months of no response saying, “Don’t send anymore letters, were through.” What did I do to you? Was I too clingy, was I bugging you too much, are we just not the same like we used to be? I wanna know...I need to know. Please respond, The one you loved... Letter two I was just going through my stuff and found an old picture of us together at an old amusement park we always used to go to. I went to see this amusement park again only to find that it was torn down years ago. This is the place where we first started to love each other, the place I always liked to go with you. I just wanna know where you are at this point cause I know….I know these letters are getting to you. Please respond, The one you loved… Letter three It’s been a couple months since my last letter to you, still no response. I just wanna know if I did something wrong to make you not want to talk to me or even notice my existence. A recent memory of us has come back to my mind, the day you and me went to that beach. I know I’m being vague and you probably don’t even care that I’m writing these things but, these letters are keeping me sane right now. Anyways I remember sitting on the beach with you way late at night just watching the waves as the moon shined down on the water. We smiled as we looked over to each other, you looked into my eyes and promised me “we will never drift apart.” I still believe we have something, or am I holding on to false hopes that we are still “us.” I’m confused, lost at every turn and for some reason I just don’t stop writing these things...they seem pointless to me at this point but, I don’t stop… Please...I need a response, The one you loved… Letter four A year has passed I tried to stop writing, I tried to stop thinking about you...I can’t do it. Everything I do, you are always there...I feel like I’m going insane without you. I sound like I’m over reacting but I’m not...I just can’t stop. What happened, seriously what happened!? I don’t hear from you at all anymore, you haven’t even come back home once! Is there something I did, is there something wrong with what I was doing, did I say something wrong JUST answer me please! I think you’ve left me waiting long enough, just stop ignoring me...I know you’re getting these I know you are...and whoever is just respond to me...please. I’m literally crying as I write this as you can see by the tear stains on the paper. I’m losing contact with ponies cause I barely leave my house anymore. I just, I’m so depressed and I know I am...I’m seeking help with this and it’s not working...I just need some closure please just please tell me what’s the matter...please. The one you loved… Letter five A few months have passed since my last letter. To be honest I should've stopped with these letters long ago, I just can’t do it though. My psychologist told me to stop writing these to you, that it would make me feel better...I came home and laughed. That would never help me, I don’t know what made him think that. It worked for a little bit though I won’t lie, I stopped and I was slowly getting better. However more memories came back to me about our past and what we did together. I just don’t understand how we could’ve had such great times together and somehow it just ended. I just need one letter from you….just one, it doesn’t even have to be long, I just wanna know why this all ended. The one you loved… Response one, to letter five Okay I’m responding, are you happy now? Listen I understand I told you to stop sending me letters and that were through, but I can’t see you go on like this. You’re an amazing pony and I didn’t want to tell you this way but...I’m never coming back okay. I’m sorry but that’s the way it is. As much as I wish I could just come back to you, I just can’t. I want you to live your life, I don’t want you wasting your time with me. I’m sorry but stop sending me letters, Sandra Heart. Letter six After all that time of me sending you letters why didn’t you just say that after the first or second one. I’ve waited for so long and that’s what you respond with? I can’t just stop sending you letters, I can’t just let you go like that. Tell me where you are, I’ll come get you and we can be together again...please don’t give up on me. Please respond, The one you loved. Response two, to letter six Don’t do this to me alright, I can’t come back and I mean it. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the situation I’m in. The fact that I’m sending these letters is a risk and it’s putting you at risk to, I don’t want that. I know you love me and you don’t want to let me go, I just can’t put you through this trouble that I’m in okay? Promise me you’ll live a happy life AND stop sending me letters...you may respond to this one but make it your last. Sandra Heart Final letter? I can’t promise that...you are my life at this point. I can’t stop thinking about you, I can’t stop putting you everywhere with me. You’re always there and who knows I may break down and write another letter and I’ll go back to just sending a whole bunch of them toward you. I know I seem obsessive with you but I can’t help it. I need you in my life, I don’t want you not talking to me and I definitely don’t want to never see you again! I miss you so much and the fact that you want me to just move on is hurting me! Just let me help you please just let me help, I can do anything no matter the risk, I want to help! Respond or don’t it’s up to you, The one you loved… Response three, to final letter? You can’t help okay, you just can’t! Listen I know you love me, I know you’ll do anything for me, I KNOW you wanna help me out this horrible situation I’m in! In all honesty no matter what you do, you can’t help me. As much as I wish you could, as much as I wish I could get out of this whole mess and get back to you...I don’t know if it’s possible. Let me explain myself, these papers that I’m sending to you look beat up right? That’s because I had to trade for them...I’m not in a good place right now okay and getting you here would just put you in danger. This is why I told you to stop… Please before you put yourself in danger, stop sending me letters. Sandra Heart. Response four, to no letter? Oh my good gosh I know it’s been a really long time, but I got out...somepony helped me escape. I don’t know how long it’s been since I responded to you last and I hope you’re okay. If you get this respond, I need to know if you’re alright. Respond soon. Sandra Heart. Response five, still no letter? Hey are you okay? I got on a train and I’m on my way back home. Usually you would respond and I’m worried that you’re not. Respond soon...I’m on my home. Sandra Heart. Final response, so that’s why… I came home...walked in the house...and you weren’t there. I couldn’t find anything in the house on first glance, but what struck me odd was that the door was unlocked. I was looking around the house cautiously, I checked the kitchen, the first bathroom, the living room, and you were nowhere to be found...I walked into the bedroom...there was blood on the floor. I was shocked and confused so I looked around for you in every corner of that room...you weren’t there. I heard something open the door, I walked out there with a blunt object...I didn’t need to worry. It was an investigator, I asked him where you were...he told me the truth...and now I feel the pain you were feeling...only ten times worse. I just don't know what to say... I’m so sorry… Sandra Heart. Letter found on night stand… I miss you so much you don’t understand...I’m sorry...
CH 1: Keep me sane “I see so this is what happened all those years ago?” My psychiatrist said to me. I was looking toward the ceiling, laying down on a couch, trying my hardest not to cry. “That’s correct, and it’s not till just recently that the investigators gave those letters back to me.” “Mmhmm,” he put the letters on his table next to him, “well Ms.Heart on the bright side this will help me with you,” he said bluntly. “Well that’s great and all,” I said slowly sitting up, “but to be honest I really don’t think these sessions are helping me.” “Ms.Heart, I know you can’t see it very well but, these sessions have been indeed helping you.” “I don’t see it,” I responded, “I just don’t see it at all.” “I’m glad you’re being open with this,” he said adjusting his glasses, “but I assure you there is some change. Nothing drastic of course but, little by little you’re starting to get healthier.” He sat up in his chair pulling out a notepad, “now lets do the small stuff and continue this next week. How’s the alcohol consumption going?” I looked at him scratching the back of my head, “It’s getting better, I’m not drinking as much as I used to.” “Good, good,” he wrote that down, “and how is the “getting out of the house and connecting with others” playing out?” “That hasn’t been going so well,” I said honestly, “it’s really hard for me to connect with other ponies for some reason.” “That’s no surprise Ms.Heart it’ll take some time,” he wrote that down as well. “Alright I have another patient here in a couple minutes Ms.Heart so I’m afraid we’ll have to cut it here.” “That’s fine, thank you Dr.Mistral,” I said. “No problem at all Ms.Heart, now get out there, make some friends and find your relaxing point,” he said with motivation in his tone. “I’ll try my best, “ I responded with a soft smile. “Atta girl, don’t forget your sweater it’s pretty cold out there today and good luck,” he said as I was walking out of the room. “Thanks doctor,” I grabbed my sweater then I shut his door behind me and headed for the main entrance of the building. I. Feel. Horrible. It’s been six years since I last seen those letters and they just brought my past right back to me. I was trying to avoid it as much as I could but now I feel I’m falling right back down in the hole and I don’t like it. I’m just about frustrated enough to cry but I’m holding it back, can’t do it in front of ponies I don’t know because for some reason this place was full of ponies...busy day for the doctors I guess. I opened the main doors of the building with a little force and walked out into the snow. It was snowing a little bit, covering every corner of the ground in white fluff. I took a deep breath and began to walk home. I crossed my arms, and gripped the upper part of them. I was just ready to break down right then and there, I wanted to fall down on my hands and knees and just scream….I haven’t felt this way in six years and seeing those letters just made me drop back down in the hole I was climbing out from. Not even the calming, happy sounds of Ponyville was making me feel better like it used to. I always liked coming outside, but today was not one of those days. As I was walking down the road back to my house I got hit in the left shoulder with a snowball. A young filly sprung up from behind a snow fort, “s-sorry!” She said. I looked toward her, “don’t worry about it young one, just careful where you are throwing those.” She tilted her head to the side, “miss are you okay?” I looked at her confused, “what makes you think I’m not okay?” “The tone of your voice says more than what you are saying...at least that’s what my grandpa told me,” she replied. I sighed, “listen I appreciate the concern, especially from somepony as young as yourself but, this problem happens to be personal.” She looked at me with concern now, “you sure you don’t need a friend?” My eyes widened when she said that and for some reason...I smiled, “you have a good head on your shoulders little one, keep it that way...and thank you but I’m a little out of your age to be friends with you.” “I can be friends with anypony as long as I trust them,” she smiled. “For your safety, I wouldn’t be friends with me...I’m not exactly the best,” I replied. “Again thank you but I must be going,” I said as I walked off. “Bye miss!’ The filly said from behind me, I simply held my hand up and waved. I can’t believe a filly tried to help me...am I that obvious? I opened the door to my house and walked in. I closed the door behind me and took off my sweater. I sat down on my couch and put my sweater beside me. I put my hands behind my head and looked toward the ceiling. I closed my eyes and started taking repeated deep breaths to try and relax. I put my arms down to my sides and looked at my t.v. Seeing myself in the reflection I grabbed the remote and turned it on...I didn’t want to see me right now. When the t.v came on the first thing was the news talking about weather, sports, all that nonsense. I didn’t really care though, I just needed some noise in the background. I felt calmer...relaxed even, like everything stopped bugging me...till I heard a knock at the door. I’m hoping it’s just some package or something. I open the door and see no pony in sight. I looked left and I looked right. “Down here!” A voice said from below me. I look down and it’s that filly I talked to earlier, “what are you doing here? Did you follow me?” “Maaaaaaybe,” the filly said sarcastically. I sighed putting a hand on my forehead, “why did you follow me home?” “Like I said before, you looked like you needed a friend,” she smiled ear to ear. I slid my hand down my face, “filly, listen I understand you wanna try and help but seriously it’d be better if you played with or hung out with somepony else.” “Well...my friends came by the minute you left and said they had to go home early,” she said kinda sadly. “So I was thinking “hey that girl was nice, why not hang with her!” I don’t mean to intrude or anything, I just wanted to kinda hang a bit.” “That’s sweet,” I replied in a dull tone. “However filly, I’m not exactly the safest to be around. I’ve been having a lot of mental issues...if you understand what I mean.” I was being blunt with her, hoping to scare her off. “I totally understand what you mean,” she replied in a happy tone. “I had to help my older sister get through some heavy stuff to, I know what it’s like.” You’re kidding right? I try to get rid of her and this is what I get...I got an idea at that moment, something that shouldn’t fail me. “Well okay but wouldn’t your parents not like you hanging out with older ponies such as myself?” This has to work there’s no way it can’t. I looked at her face, her emotion sunk, “I haven’t seen my parents for a long time...I’ve been living with my sister but she’s out of town. So I’ve been at a friends house recently and I told his dad that I would be out with a friend.” Well….don’t I feel bad now. She came to me cause she had no pony to hang out with. I just let out a sigh, “alright come in, but this is really irresponsible of me I hope you know that.” “I know, my friend and his parents are out right now so that’s why I went to friends for company,” she said walking into my house. I shut the door, “why didn’t they take you with them?” I asked. “Well, they said it was a personal family matter,” she replied sitting on my couch. I raise an eyebrow, “that or not they are in charge of you right?” “Well yes, but I said I was gonna be with friends...friends never happened so I came to you,” she said. “I see,” I actually felt bad for her...I don’t even know her name. “I guess since were getting to know each other, might as well introduce ourselves. I’m Sandra Heart, but I prefer when ponies just call me Sandy.” “You got a pretty name,” she said smiling. “My name is Berry Leaves...of course my short name is Berry.” “Alright good to know,” I hand her the t.v remote, “you can watch whatever you please I just kinda have this on for noise.” She took the remote, “I like your house by the way,” Berry said. “You do?” I questioned. “I thought this would be a little messy for you.” “Nah reminds me of my old home actually...not the lay out but the scatteredness of everything,” she said giggling. “Honest are we?” I said. “Oh don’t take offense by it, stuff like this make me feel cozy,” she said. “Mmm like a little disorganization, I see,” I said. “Yeah, and the layout of the house is easily accessible to,” she said. “You got your kitchen over there which isn’t blocked off to the living room so you don’t have to leave the kitchen to watch t.v, your rooms are right down a hall so when you walk out of one you’re basically right into the living room. I like this simplistic stuff.” I turned my head to her slowly, “Whaaaat?” I said confused. “Oh guess I should mention my special talent is interior decorating,” she said with a smile. “Now that all made sense,” I said walking into the kitchen. I opened a cabinet and grabbed a bottle of whisky. I put the whisky on the counter and looked back to the cabinet and pulled out one of my whisky glasses. I twisted the cap to the whisky and poured some into the glass. “Only have two of those a week,” Berry said not even looking at me. “I’m not even gonna question how you knew I was doing this but okay,” I said closing the bottle of whiskey and putting it back into the cabinet. I went over and sat on the couch next to Berry to see what she was watching. “If you don’t mind me asking Ms.Sandy, how long have you been having...whatever it is you’re having,” she asked. I looked down at my cup of whisky and sighed, “about ten years.” “Ten years!” Berry said shocked, “what happened?” “Do you really wanna know?” I asked. “It’s not exactly the prettiest.” “I can handle it,” Berry said confidently. “I’ve listened to a lot of dark stuff in my past and I wanna help you if I can.” I smiled softly and took a sip of my whisky. “Alright sit back....I guess it’s story time.”
CH 2: Learning from anotherI stretched my back and sat up on the couch, “it all happened ten years ago. I worked for a division of royal guards back in the day...a stealth division I guess is what you could call it. I was told to break into something and get some evidence for a certain case.” I was being vague so I could keep certain things classified. “However before I went to any of that, I told my coltfriend that I wouldn’t be home for a while.” “You have a coltfriend?” Berry wondered. “It’s part of the story you’ll see,” I cleared my throat. “He didn’t want me to leave but I did...I had no choice but to leave. I went on this mission and my destination was Saddle Arabia.” “Was it nice there?” She asked. “It’s different that’s for sure,” I replied. “It took me about seven days to get there. I already knew the location I had to go to and everything, I knew my target, I knew what I had to do. However things turned for the worse,” I gripped my glass a little tight. “I got captured and thrown into a prison. The part I regret is that I told my coltfriend where I would be. So he consistently kept sending letters to me.” “Awww he was thinking about you,” Berry said. “Yeah I know…” I took another sip of my whisky. “I had to send him a letter back, telling him to stop and that we were through.” “Why would you do that?” Berry asked. “He was putting himself in danger and I didn’t want him to get hurt,” I replied. “However he kept sending and sending and sending. It took me five letters before I could respond because getting even a corner of a piece of paper wasn’t easy in that place I was in. I had to trade for it, I got a few sheets of paper and was able to write back. I tried explaining myself but I couldn’t say anything that would alarm anypony.” “How did he even get the letters to you?” Berry asked. “Well it goes to the mail place of Saddle Arabia and they put my name through a system, they see I’m in jail, they send the letter to the prison, vice versa,” I replied. “At one point in that prison, me and some of the prisoners I made friends with...had a plan to escape.” “Whoa, whoa you’re a runaway convict?” Berry said shocked. “Well not anymore...I got that cleared up years ago,” I said. “Anywho, we got out and far away from that place. I made it to a small town called Apple Loosa. I got a change of clothes and some paper so I could tell him I was out and coming home...now however I had his problem. He wasn’t responding to me this time.” “Oh no,” Berry sounded kinda sad. I took a deep breath and gripped my drink harder trying not cry in front of her. “I wrote three letters...two were toward him cause I wasn’t home yet and the third...was to keep me sane in the situation.” “Did you get to see him again?” Berry asked. “...no,” I replied softly. “It was all because of me to…” A couple of tears began to roll down my cheeks. “It was all because I was trying to keep him safe, but he wouldn’t listen and it didn’t help that being in that stupid prison made my life worse! Yes I know he was worried about me and he wanted to help. In all honesty I still cared for him, I still thought about him, I still needed him, I just didn’t want him to get hurt! So much happened behind those walls that I just don’t want to go into detail about it. It was torture...terrible, terrible things…” There was practically waterfalls coming out of my eyes now. I knew I would break down at some point, but not in front of a filly of all ponies. Berry scooted over to me and gave me a hug, “I’m sorry I asked,” she said quietly. I wiped the tears from my eyes, “don’t worry about it...I’m sorry you had to see that,” I said. Berry hugged me tighter, I knew she was trying to make me feel better but I didn’t feel comfortable hugging back. She stopped hugging me and looked at me dead in the eye, “I could never say that I’ve heard anypony bring up something or go through something like that. I’m sorry you had to go through something as unimaginable as that.” “Again don’t you worry about it okay,” I said. “You are too young to have to deal with what’s wrong with me.” “Shush!” Berry said in a high tone. “I’m your friend now, of course I’m going to help you.” Surprised by how she was acting I reply, “Berry again that’s sweet, but you really shouldn’t be friends with me...I’m doing it for your safety.” “Sandy I just wanna help,” she sounded bummed saying that. “Well I can’t accept your help,” I said in a harsh tone. She started to look sad... “Listen Berry, I appreciate the offer and everything you’ve said. However you’re just a young girl and I can’t let you have responsibility of me or my actions toward you.” She looked down, “can we still be friends?” I’d feel bad if I said no... “of course we can, but no asking about that past stuff okay?” “As you wish Sandy!” Berry said perking back up. I was still feeling down after that whole story but somehow she got me to smile. I don’t know who this filly is deep down, but I have a feeling she’s gonna help turn me around without even helping in the first place. I looked outside and saw it was nighttime, “oh shoot Berry we gotta get you home.” She turned around and looked outside, “oh dang guess we got caught up in talking. Are you gonna walk me home?” “In this weather, of course I am,” I said. I grabbed my sweater and we both went out the door. “Do you know your way home from here?” “Oh yeah, it’s actually not too far,” she replied. “Alright that’s great, let us get there quickly,” I said. I followed her down the road. The wind was gusting a little harsh, blowing snow up into our faces sometimes. Didn’t expect the wind to be so strong tonight. Berry was skipping along happily, I think she was happy she made a friend. Though how much of a non-friend I am going to be, it’s good to see somepony happy. She quickly turned a corner to go down some alley way. Weird place for a family to live, but alright. Berry stopped in front of a door and tried to turn the knob. “Huh it’s locked,” Berry said confused. “Seriously?” I said, “try knocking I guess.” Berry knocked on the door. As she was doing that I was looking at the windows of the house. All the lights seemed to be off, the curtains were pulled shut...and enough time has passed to not have an answer. I walked up to the door and knocked as hard as I could to try to get some attention if anypony was home. Time passed again and there was no answer. I looked down toward Berry, “are you sure they’re home?” “They should be,” she replied sounding a little worried. I knocked once more hoping to get something this time. Again nothing, “Berry I don’t think they’re home.” “They told me they’d be home by five something. You have a watch?” Berry asked. “I do,” I said looking at my watch, six thirty. “It’s a hour and a half past that.” “That’s strange,” Berry replied sounding even more worried. “Don’t worry I’m sure they’re on their way back,” I said. “Lets just wait out here for a few minutes and see if they come back.” “What if they don’t?” Berry asked. “If they don’t...well I’m not sure yet,” I replied. The weather tonight was getting a little fierce so I didn’t want to stand out here too long. I’m kind of hoping they’re just around the corner. Berry was drawing in the snow, “hey Sandy.” “Yes?” I looked down at her. “What were your parents like?” She asked. “My parents?” I said puzzled. “Yeah, just curious,” she said looking down at the snow. “Like any average parents I guess. Not too exciting,” I replied. “How about yours?” “Eh,” she replied as she continued drawing. “That’s it?” I asked. “They’re always busy soooo I usually just stay at a friends house or something,” she said. “Sometimes it feels like I barely know my own parents, but what can I argue for? They have good paying jobs that send them on trips a lot. I don’t get to go on them usually, but they do invite me to some. They’re really protective of me for some reason...probably because I’m their only daughter.” A young girl like her who barely knows her own parents. That’s kinda sad actually, I don’t understand how she just smiles through something like that. The wind started gusting harder and the air was getting colder. We couldn’t stay out here much longer. I turn to Berry, “I still don’t see them coming back.” Berry looked up from her drawing and looked around, “this is weird,” she said concerned. “They don’t do something like this normally, they’re very tight on schedules and what not.” Berry looked up at me as I was thinking. I know what I have to do here...and I’m gonna feel bad for doing it because nopony should stay with me. “Berry, I’m gonna offer you to stay at my house for the night.” “Are you sure about that?” Berry asked which confused me because she was all on top of being my friend...wonder why she would suddenly care. “Yes I’m sure,” I replied. “I’m not about to leave you out in the cold like this. Nopony deserves that, we’ll come back in the morning and see if they’re home.” Berry sprung up, “YAY sleepover!” She said with excitement. “Alright let’s get back to my house before the weather gets too bad.” I said. We walked out of the alley and made our way back to my house. I hope these ponies are home when we come by tomorrow and hopefully they don’t freak out when Berry is not there. Still I am curious where they are. It’s two hours past when they said they would be home. As Berry said they’re tight on schedules...so why not this one? I really hope nothing bad happened, I can tell Berry has gone through enough. Berry stood in front of my door waiting for me. I unlocked the door and let us both in. She took off her jacket and I took off my sweater. We hung them both up on the coat hanger by the door. Berry went over to the couch and took a seat. I went over to the closet in the hall and opened it. I grabbed a spare blanket and a pillow for Berry. I close the closet and walk over to her, “I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the couch.” “Please I sleep on couches all the time, don’t worry about me.” Berry replied. I hand her the blanket and pillow, “alright well get sleep whenever you can.” She took the blanket and pillow, “you going to bed already?” She asked. “Yeah,” I replied softly. “I go to bed earlier than the average pony.” “Really, why?” Berry wondered. “I get night terrors,” I said. “I sleep early cause I usually get them once a week and it keeps me awake. I lose sleep because of them so I try to sleep earlier.” “Dang...well you get some sleep then,” she said with a smile. “You kinda deserve it for all the stuff you’ve gone through.” “Alright, you can watch the t.v if you want,” I said. “Good-night Berry.” “Night night Sandy,” she replied. I walk off to my room and push the door closed behind me not holding the handle as it shuts. I take off my pants for a more comfortable sleep. I lay down in my bed and look towards the ceiling. This young filly is probably the weirdest filly I’ve ever met. Though I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t helping even though it’s not that much it’s something. I still don’t understand why she wants to be my friend. I don’t want to allow it but, she’s not gonna give this up. She wants to help, I know she does. I just don’t want her to go through the pressure of having to deal with me...I hope she understands that. I pull the covers up to my chest and then turn on my side. I close my eyes...hoping tonight will be peaceful.
