Celestia patted the empty spot on the bed next to her and smiled at me, her eyes drooping sleepily.
“Oh, you have got to be kidding.” I stared at her, unable to come to terms with what I was seeing.
She just raised an eyebrow.
I turned and left the room. My head spun, and I stumbled a little. It almost felt like being slightly drunk. I shuffled my way over to the old couch and sat on it, flicking the TV on by reflex alone.
“The Obama administration still hasn't made any official comment on the disappearance of the sun.” It looked like Wayne had left it on Fox News again. “It's a major failure to respond on the part of the—”
I changed the channel.
“Repent, sinners! The day of judgment is upon us! The second coming of our Lord and—”
I changed it again.
A blonde reporter shoved a microphone into the face of some random person on the street. He shrugged. “It's gotta be aliens. The only explanation for—”
The camera swept over a grocery store in a frenzy. The shelves were already emptying out. A disembodied voice narrated, “Experts are still baffled at today's early sunset, but that isn't stopping local residents from preparing for the—”
The next channel was MSNBC. “... And we would like to welcome to the show global climate change expert, Doctor—”
The sliding door opened, and Wayne came in. He gave me a halfhearted wave. “Hey, guy.” Seeing the TV on, he looked over my shoulder. “Crazy shit, huh? Did they figure out what happened yet?”
I glanced back at the door to my room. “Uh, not really...”
“Well if you want to know my opinion, it was those god-damn—”
My bedroom door opened. Princess Celestia stepped out in all her royal glory. Her mane billowed through the hallway. She yawned.
Wayne stared at her. I could see his mouth making a silent 'the fuck?'
I took a deep breath — a very deep breath. “Wayne, this is Princess Celestia. Princess Celestia, Wayne.”
Celestia glanced at him on her way to the refrigerator, then opened it up and rummaged inside.
Wayne stared at her, occasionally looking at me through the corner of his eye. Every time he glanced my way, his brows became a little heavier. Finally, he ended up staring at me only. “Did you wish really hard?”
“No!” I stepped back. “I don't know why she's here. She's just here.”
“Because I know you like those pony things and—”
The orange juice bottle clattered to the floor. Celestia wiped her lips with a hoof. She stared at Wayne for a moment, glanced at me, then looked back at him. She wiped her mouth again. “Greetings, Wayne.” Without waiting for any response, she turned and headed back into my room.
“Um... Hi.” Wayne stared at her until she disappeared, then whirled on me. “What the hell, man? No pets, remember!”
“Hey, she's not a pet!”
“Then what the fuck is she?” Wayne pointed back toward my room. “Because I sure as hell won't—”
Celestia came out again.
I glared at Wayne. “She's a Princess of Equestria... from, uh, a cartoon.”
Her Royal Highness went back to rummaging in the fridge.
“Are you looking for something?” I asked.
She looked back at me, the fridge still wide open. “Why is there no acceptable food in this house?”
I walked up and looked over her shoulder. There was a pack of sausages and a tupperware filled with burrito meat of dubious vintage... and not much else. “Uh, I'll cook something in a little while.” Even though her visit was unannounced and uninvited, it didn't seem right to deny her.
“So who, exactly, said she could stay here?” Wayne pressed uncomfortably close. “And what the hell is she doing here, anyway?”
I groaned. “I don't know, okay? I just got home and found her here a few minutes ago.”
Wayne rolled his eyes, but they stuck pointed at the fridge. “Hey!”
Wincing, I turned to see what was happening.
Celestia stood in front of the fridge. Both the fridge and the freezer were open. She held a tub of cherry chocolate ice cream and a spoon in her magical aura.
Wayne stomped. “That's mine!”
Celestia froze for a moment and looked at him, the spoon still sticking out of her mouth. When nothing else happened, she resumed eating.
Wayne turned and glared at me.
“I'll get you a new one.” I waved him off. At least she hadn't drank his beer — then he'd be really pissed. Or, I hoped she hadn't drank his beer. I strode over to Celestia, trying to be as imposing as I could. It didn't seem very successful; she was much bigger than me, after all. “Princess, we need to go over some ground rules.”
“I am not bound by your petty mortal rules.” She took another bite of ice cream and smiled.
“First of all, you should only eat your own food. And, um, you probably need to get your own place once we can find you something.”
She took another bite of ice cream, savoring it obscenely.
“I mean it!” I waited in vain for a response. “If you don't follow the rules, I'll have to kick you out.”
She snorted. “As if you could.”
I grit my teeth and rubbed my hand into my face.
“Relax.” She rolled her eyes and grinned at me over her tub of ice cream. “I'm only banished here for a week.”
I raised an eyebrow and shut both doors of the fridge. “Were you banished for stealing others' food?”
“No, for making a move on my niece's husband, Shining Armor.” She took another bite and grinned. “He's totally into me.”
“You should know better.” I held my face in my hand. “Whatever. I'm going to bed.”
This could all wait until tomorrow. I headed into my room, locked the door behind me, and quickly changed into some more comfortable clothes. At least the bed was warm... and it was dark, so I wouldn't have to contend with the usual struggle to fall asleep with sunlight coming in the window. Breathing a sigh of relief, I flopped down into the bed.
I heard the slight sound of pony magic, followed by my lock clicking open.
Uh-oh.
Before I could react, the door popped open and Celestia jumped into bed with me. She grabbed me and snuggled up like I was some kind of teddy bear.
I struggled, but strain as I might, I couldn't get free. She was terribly strong. I could smell the cherry ice cream on her breath over my neck.
The door was still open. I could see Wayne peeking at us from outside.
I groaned. How was I going to explain this to my girlfriend?
“What the heck is this?”
I woke with a start, still enveloped in Celestia's hooves, still tucked into my bed.
My girlfriend, Cindy, stood in the doorway, staring at us. She must have just come home from her night shift at the hospital.
It took my mind a considerable length of time to process things from her point of view – I blame my having just woken up – but when I did... Oh. Well, shit. It looked bad... really bad. “Hey, Babe... I, uh... I didn't know you'd be coming here today.”
“That's obvious.” She put her hands on her hips. “Or else you'd have found somewhere to hide your horsey bimbo.”
Celestia cleared her throat deeply from behind me. “I will thank you to not refer to me as a bimbo, mortal.” She yawned. “Nor a 'horsey' either, for that matter.”
“I don't care what it is. What I care about is what you're doing in bed with it!”
“I am a 'she', thank you.”
“I'm not talking to you, horsey bimbo.”
Even though Celestia was behind me, I could feel the heat of her glare.
This situation needed to be settled down, and fast. I didn't want to be caught between these two. “It's okay, Babe. Nothing happened, nothing at all.”
“Doesn't look like nothing to me.”
“We just slept here, that's all.”
Celestia's knowing giggle from behind me didn't help my case. My back bristled at her, and I wished she'd let me go so I could get up.
Time to play my trump card: “And it wasn't my choice. She forced me into it against my will!”
The Princess gave an indignant snort.
Cindy gave an indignant snort of her own. “Likely story. I've seen your browsing history, buddy.”
“Seriously!”
She glared at me. “You are going to get up right now, and we are going to have a long talk about our relationship.”
“Uh... okay.” I groaned internally. That kind of talk was the worst kind of talk ever. When I tried to get up, though, Celestia's hooves held me back. I tried again, same results. “Hey, let me go!”
Watching the scene with her eyebrows slowly rising, Cindy chimed in as well, “Yeah, let him go, bimbo horse!”
Celestia chuckled and nuzzled in against my neck. “I will never relinquish my unfuzzy little teddy bear.”
Cindy glared at Celestia.
Celestia glared back.
Well, it looked like getting caught in the middle was to be my lot in life now. Might as well get used to it, maybe set up a tent or something... or maybe a bunker. I had a feeling this was about to get ugly, and apparently there was no way I was getting out of the epicenter of the oncoming destruction.
Cindy's eye twitched slightly. Uh-oh. I knew what that meant.
I was left sorely wishing for some way to protect myself when Cindy went into her rare, but formidable, 'rage mode'. She jumped at Celestia, her teeth snarling and her hands curled into claws as if she meant to gouge the Princess's eyes out.
As I cringed and struggled to free myself, to escape from her path, she froze in midair, surrounded by a glowing yellow aura. She kicked and squirmed, but she just kept floating in air, right in the middle of my room.
Celestia snickered. “So, now what should I do with the mortal fly who dares to attack my royal person?”
“I will end you!”
The Princess ignored Cindy's threat. “Hm... perhaps I should... oh dear, I'm not sure I have access to Tartarus right now.” She bopped me in the back of the head with her nose. “Where do people in your world send their beings of unimaginable horror and evil?”
“Congress?”
“Very well. To congress she goes.” As soon as Celestia said that, I regretted my ill-timed joke.
With a flash, my girlfriend vanished. “Hey!” I yelled. “Bring her back!”
She squeezed me tighter. “Don't want to. She's not nice.”
“She's my girlfriend! Where did you send her, anyway?”
“Congress.”
“And how could you even know where that is?”
She shrugged. “The teleportation spell doesn't need anything terribly specific to latch onto. The idea is enough.”
“Bring her back!”
Celestia laughed. “Hm... no.”
“But you have to! You need to...” I sighed. “Please?”
“Well, perhaps.” Her hooves traced the outline of my arms. “If you swear to be my slave for this week and do absolutely everything I require.”
It wouldn't hurt to lie. What more could she do? “Bring her back and I'll do anything you want.”
“Anything, hm?” She laughed darkly. “Very well.”
With the sound of magic and another flash, Cindy reappeared... with two black-clad security guards clenching her arms. They jumped as soon as they noticed the change, then stared at Celestia.
One of them grabbed a radio from his belt. “Security Control, be advised...”
I groaned. This was all about to get a lot more complicated than I'd like.
Author's Note
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