Writing is Hard
“...and so, their incredible adventure completed, Prince Sodium of Alkaland and Princess Water lived exothermically ever after. The End.”
Twilight closed her chemistry textbook with a contented sigh. Nothing took the young filly’s breath away like a good description of chemical reactions. She reached for the next tome in her dwindling “to read” pile, but was interrupted by the protests of her rumbling stomach.
“Oh dear, I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea to grab a snack. I don’t think I’ve eaten since...”
Twilight trailed off. How long had it been since breakfast? She thought she had noticed it getting dark outside, but now the sun seemed to be coming up again. Spike was recovering at the doctor’s from a bad case of the Dragon Flu, and the library didn’t get all that many visitors most weekends. It was, Twilight reflected, entirely possible that she’d lost track of time and forgotten to eat since the previous morning. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Without her faithful assistant to help her re-shelf her finished books, Twilight had reverted to her old habit of piling her completed reading material into a fort around her as she read. The whole enclosure was already taller than she was. She briefly considered using the just finished chemistry textbook to start some sort of roof over the whole thing, but ultimately decided to reinforce the south-east corner of the fort instead.
As she slid the tome into place, she became aware of a pounding noise coming from the door of the library. It opened to reveal a white unicorn with a perfectly coiffed lavender mane, who trotted into the library carrying a sheaf of loose papers in the glow of her magic.
“Rarity?” asked Twilight, her voice echoed out of the confined space of the fort. “How are you doing this eve... uh, morning?”
“Oh, I’m positively wonderful dear, thank you so much for asking.” said Rarity as she placed the papers down on one of the small reading tables in the center of the library. She began to rearrange and sort them as she spoke. “Actually, I was hoping I might trouble you for a teensy-tiny little favor?”
“Of course Rarity. What’s the matter?”
“Well, you may remember that I’m... somewhat fond of a certain genre of novel, yes?”
Twilight fought to conceal a small smile. 'Somewhat fond' was an understatement. As the town librarian, Twilight was well aware of Rarity’s proclivity towards romance novels. The mare checked out at least twice as many of them as any other pony in Ponyville, and Twilight always made an effort to give her first dibs on any new ones she received from the library’s central branch in Canterlot.
“Of course. Were you looking for some new ones? The last shipment was mostly mysteries, but I’d be happy to take another look and see if I missed anything.”
“Oh, no thanks,” said Rarity. “Actually I was wondering if you could look over something for me instead? I was trying to fall asleep last night when suddenly I was struck with the most irresistible urge to... create! Instead of waiting for some other pony to crank out another novel I’ve decided that I should just go ahead and write my own. Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful plan? After all, what pony could know more about creating masterful works of art than moi?” Rarity struck a dramatic pose towards nopony in particular. “I absolutely could not rest until I sketched out a draft on paper. Now I need feedback, and who knows more about books and writing than you do?” Rarity pushed the sheaf of papers towards Twilight, with an expectant smile on her face.
“Oh, Rarity... Well, I’m flattered of course but I’m sure you don’t want to just sit around and wait for me to read all... 300 pages? In under a day? That’s... prolific.”
“Why don’t you jump right ahead to the big climax? I’m having some trouble coming up with an ending, maybe you could help me with it?” asked Rarity. Twilight thought she detected a slight tinge of desperation in the fashionista’s tone of voice.
Twilight sighed inwardly. Why couldn’t Rarity have written a treatise on the thermodynamic properties of hydrocarbons? Romance wasn’t an area she had a lot of real-world experience with.
“Of course I’ll read it Rarity. After all, what are friends for?” asked Twilight. She walked over to the table as Rarity offered her a couple of pages from the bottom of the stack. Twilight hoped desperately that some Element-of-Harmony-requiring disaster would suddenly spring up to save her, but it seemed that for once Ponyville was entirely tranquil. Consigning herself to the inevitable with a sigh, Twilight picked up the pages and began to read.
The ferocity of the waves breaking against the side of the galleon HMS Malfeasance were dwarfed by Ricardo’s righteous fury. He stood firm against the gale-force wind and driving rain that pounded down from the storm above. With a scimitar clutched handsomely between his teeth, he glared at the evil Captain Nefarion.
“You’ll never get away with this, Nefarion!” Renaldo shouted at the Captain.
“Oh, but I will, Ricardo. And what’s more you’re going to let me! Otherwise your beloved will pay the price,” said the Captain. He gestured down towards the rope held in place against the deck of the ship by his hoof. The rope ran through a pulley that hung just a few meters over the furious sea, and at the other end of it was tied a cage; A cage that held the beautiful and elegantly-dressed Esmeralda!
Ricardo glanced regretfully at the beautiful noble pony in the cage, then hardened his will and steeled himself for what he knew he had to do.
“Sorry Nefarion, but your crimes are too great! I won’t let you escape the injustices you’ve committed against the state. Or the ones you’ve committed against my family!”
The nefarious Captain Nefarion chuckled nefariously. “Then let her death be on your hooves,” he said as he lifted his hoof from the ship’s deck and released the rope, allowing the cage to plunge towards the surface of the freezing water.
“NOOOO!!!” shouted our brave protagonist. He leaped into action, charging across the ship at the rope whipping towards the railing. If the end of the rope slipped over the side, Esmeralda would be lost forever to the sea. But suddenly, three of Nefarion’s mightiest crew members, all well versed in the art of the blade, armed with terrifyingly barbed long swords, and dressed in exceedingly tacky outfits that had been out of style for at least three seasons stepped into his path. 'There’s no time to go around them,' Ricardo realized desperately, 'So I guess I’ll have to go THROUGH them!'
The first hench-pony was caught off guard and with a mighty kick Ricardo bucked him into the churning waves below. But still outnumbered two to one, Ricardo found himself caught in a desperate fight for his life. After a mighty and lengthy struggle, he bested them and they were forced to retreat back below the decks from whence they had come. With no time to spare, Ricardo surged forth at the last second, and only barely caught the very end of the rope between his teeth. The cage stopped just a few inches above the surface of the frigid waters. Clenching the rope tightly between his teeth, he braced himself against the weight and began to haul Esmeralda back up towards safety.
“Try as hard as you like, you’ll never save her from me! Valiant though they may be, your actions are futile,” taunted the Captain.
“You’re wrong Nefarion!” shouted Ricardo. He had to scream at the very top of his lungs to be heard above the storm raging around them. “Not only will I save her, but I’ll stop you reign of evil once and for all!” Grabbing a knife from the exceedingly stylish and practical designer vest he wore at all times, he flung it towards the captain at near-sonic speeds.
“For the horrors you inflicted upon my noble house! For the constant losses you and your crew have inflicted upon my defenseless merchant fleet! For the campaign of lies and slander against my good name you took it upon yourself to commit! For the death of my previous fiancee, and the suffering of all the maidens that you’ve held captive since then! And last, but hardly least, for the BRUTAL MURDER OF MY PARENTS! I! WILL NEVER! FORGIVE YOU!
As if to punctuate the end of Ricardo’s passionate and arousing speech, the knife he’d flung struck home, lodging itself deep in Nefarion’s chest, tragically ending the life of a silk cummerbund that had complimented the dread pirate's eyes magnificently in the process
“Yarr!” he screamed in pain. “No... Not... Like this.... Tell my daughter... I love her...And...That I... Approve... Of her opening up her own dress shop... Even if I said otherwise... During our... Last conversation.... Before... She left...Due to my... Completely unreasonable... Outburst...” were the last words he managed to gasp before he stumbled to the side of the ship and pitched over the rails, never to be seen again.
Back in the real world, Twilight glanced up from the pages she was reading, at Rarity’s beaming face. It was unusual for her to allow her carefully constructed facade of aloof superiority to slip, but it was obvious she couldn’t contain her excitement
“Well?” asked Rarity, “What did you think? Did you think it was good? Or would ‘super incredibly AMAZING’ be a better way to describe it?”
Twilight put the pages back down on the table in front of her and closed her eyes, gathering her thoughts. She would have to choose her words very carefully.
“Well, it’s obvious that you put a lot of thought and passion into this, Rarity,” said Twilight.
“I did! I’m so glad you can tell! That’s why it’s SO INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC! Right?”
Twilight winced. Make that very, VERY carefully.
“Well, I have a few super minor, itty bitty, tiny pieces of constructive criticism."
Rarity’s face fell instantly into total despair “Oh no. You hated it, didn’t you? I’m a failure! I never should have put pen to paper! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” She collapsed into heaving sobs.
“No Rarity! It’s not THAT bad! Believe me when I tell you I’ve seen far worse,” said Twilight thinking back to the time when the town’s gray mail mare had delivered My Ode to Muffins: Eight Volumes of Free Verse Poetry for her to proofread. It was an experience she’d hoped never to recall again. “It just needs a little tweaking.”
“Tweaking?” asked Rarity with a sniffle. “What do you mean by tweaking?”
“Well, for instance, look at this passage,” said Twilight, pointing to the page she had just read. “Look at how much stuff happens between when the captain drops the cage and Ricardo catches it.”
“You mean the Captain.” corrected Rarity, somehow able to detect the lack of proper capitalization in Twilight’s statement.
“Whatever! You have an entire fight scene in the time it takes the cage to fall a couple of meters. Then you do the same thing here, with this knife. How can Ricardo possibly say all this dialogue between when he throws the knife and when it hits its target?” she asked.
“That’s not important! Ricardo has to deliver that speech! It’s the very pinnacle of the conflict between good and evil,” said Rarity.
“...and that doesn’t even begin to address how Ricardo is screaming at the top of his lungs while he has the rope in his mouth,” said Twilight.
“None of that matters! What’s important is the events of the story, and the relationship between the characters! Not whether or not any of it actually makes sense! You’re just jealous because I’m a better writer than you are,” said Rarity, turning up her nose with a petulant huff
“Excuse me? What makes you think you’re a better writer than I am? I’ve been writing reports to the Princess every week for nearly two years, and, oh yeah, I live in a library!” Twilight took a deep breath, surprised at how angry she was becoming. “I could write circles around you any day.”
“Hmpf! They say those who can’t do, critique. If you can write so much better than I can, why don’t you prove it right now?” asked Rarity and slammed a hoof down on the table to emphasize the challenge. “Go ahead and write the next scene to my brilliant masterpiece, then we’ll see who really knows what they’re talking about.”
Twilight felt a wave of panic flow through her. She barely felt comfortable reading another author’s work, and romance novels were hardly her forte. Still, she wasn’t going back down from Rarity, not when the subject matter was books and stories. If she could avoid all the inaccuracies that plagued the chapter she’d just read, she could surely write something more compelling than what Rarity had. “Fine. You’re on. Give me that quill,” said Twilight and without waiting for the other unicorn to respond pulled out a blank sheet of parchment and, lifting the quill with her magic, began writing furiously.
With the captain gone, Ricardo turned and walked back to the cage Esmeralda was locked in. The dark clouds abruptly parted allowing beams of sunlight to grace the sky, and the wind died down to a steady warm breeze. Ricardo would have been surprised at the sudden meteorological phenomenon, but considering how vastly improbable it was that a violent storm would have developed in this part of the world at this time of year in the first place he instead chose to let it pass without comment.
“Ricardo! You aren’t dead! I’m happy about that,” said Esmeralda happily. “But as you can see, I’m still locked in this cage, which I’m not as happy about.”
“No need to worry about that, my dear. I may have forgotten to mention it or explain it before this moment, but I happen to be an expert locksmith in addition to all my other redeeming qualities.”
“How fortuitous!” said Esmeralda. She beamed as Ricardo went to work on the cage’s lock. After 78 seconds, the average time it would take an expert locksmith to undo a crude cage lock with impromptu tools on a rocking ship, the cage door was open and Esmeralda was free. With the excitement of the rescue behind her, Esmeralda felt the strength leave her legs and she collapsed against her rescuer, who gallantly caught her.
“Oh, my dear Esmeralda,” said Ricardo, “the moment I laid eyes on you I knew we were meant to be together. You’re the third most beautiful mare I know, and also the second most intelligent. You’re clearly the optimal choice to be my mate.”
Upon hearing his romantic words, Esmeralda’s heart melted like a heart dunked into a tank of liquid nitrogen and then exposed to a heat source of approximately 364 degrees Kelvin. “Oh, Ricardo, when I'm with you I feel like... like..." she trailed off like a pony who had begun writing a simile but halfway through it discovered she had no idea where it was going.
“No need for words, my dearest. No contrived coincidence or random event can keep us apart now!”
Suddenly, the door of the library burst open, breaking Twilight’s concentration on her writing. A pink earth pony darted into the room and began to look around wildly.
“It’s definitely coming from in here, you guys,” she said as she swung her gaze to and fro over the room, apparently searching for something.
“Hello, Pinkie,” said Rarity and Twilight in unison. Both had seen far too many displays of the pink pony’s antics to be phased by her sudden appearance.
“Thank goodness we’re all here now. We have to watch out! There’s going to be a disaster,” said Pinkie.
A moment later Twilight’s other three friends stepped through the door. It seemed that Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash had all been following Pinkie. “Fine, We’re here. Now will you please explain what’s going on? You pulled me away from some really important stuff,” said Rainbow Dash who was rapidly running out of patience with Pinkie’s antics.
“Um... Rainbow Dash... as I remember, Pinkie and I found you napping near Applejack’s orchard. It’s OK if you don’t remember, of course. Although memory loss can be a very serious sign sometimes,” said Fluttershy.
“Well it was a really important nap!” Rainbow continued undaunted. “I just want to know what’s so serious that there’s no time to explain it on the way over here.”
“I don’t know, Dashie! But my teeth got all chattery and the back of my neck got itchy, and that means that something weird and unnatural is about to happen. And judging by my wobbley ankle, it’s going to happen right here in this room!” Pinkie stood rigidly still, except for one of her hooves, which twitched violently and suddenly shot forward. The rogue limb dragged Pinkie along the ground and over to the table as if possessed with a will of its own before it finally came down with a THUD, pinning the sheaf of papers beneath it. “This! This is it!” Pinkie gasped and hid beneath the table, her whole body trembling.
Twilight’s friends watched the display, too stunned to react immediately. Although they’d long ago given up trying to explain Pinkie’s weird premonitions, they knew better than to doubt that they were accurate. Applejack was the first to speak.
“Twi, ah reckon you need to tell us what you’ve got on those papers. Is it a warnin’ from the princess? Some monster comin’ to attack the town?”
“No! No, it’s not anything like that, really. Honestly you’re making a big deal over nothing, I promise!” Twilight desperately tried to think of something, anything, to tell her friends.
“Is it, um... a map you found among the documents from a doomed arctic expedition, like the one that led us to that big city under the mountain that one time? I still feel bad for that poor penguin. If only Mr. Shoggoth hadn’t been such a grumpy pants... “ Fluttershy’s voice trailed off.
“Now I’ll have you all know that this is nothing so mysterious or uncouth as all that! If you MUST know, it’s the romance novel that Twilight and I are writing!” Rarity declared, before she turned away from the other ponies with a huff.
The other ponies’ anxious muttering stopped in an instant. Their mouths hung open as they gaped at Rarity, who was strenuously avoiding looking directly towards anypony, and Twilight, who had buried her face in her hooves. Sensing the change in atmosphere, Pinkie emerged from underneath the table. After a moment’s fiddling with her mane she produced a single pin and dropped it. All six ponies could clearly hear the high pitched ringing it made as it struck the floor.
“Well then, ah reckon it’s even more serious than you thought, Pinkie.” said Applejack, as she fought the wide grin that was spreading over her face. Unsuccessfully.
“You guys... You were writing a... You were writing your own... *snerk*” Rainbow Dash couldn’t contain herself. She fell to the floor laughing hysterically. “What eggheads! Ha ha ha! Sweet Celestia, my sides!”
“I’d like to read it actually. That is, if you don’t mind, girls.” said Fluttershy.
Rarity threw herself over the table, trying to interpose herself between her manuscript and her friends. “Absolutely not! It’s not good enough for anypony to read! It’s ugly and tawdry!”
“Oh, Rarity, I’m sure that’s not true. After all you’re such a wonderful designer, how could you ever think that something you poured so much of your heart into could turn out ugly?” Fluttershy put a comforting hoof over Rarity and drew her up into a gentle hug.
“She’s right, sugarcube. Every time you’re workin’ on some new dress or fashion or whatever, you give us the same excuse about how it’ll never be good enough, or it’ll never be done on time. Well guess what? The only thing that never happens is you creatin’ anything less than stunnin’. Now let’s see what you’ve got there.” Applejack grabbed the uncovered papers and skimmed through them. “Er... Of course, I suppose there’s a first time for everything...”
Fluttershy glared at her “Applejack! Don’t be mean! I’m sure Rarity and Twilight worked really hard on that!”
“Actually, I only really wrote the last page of so. I hardly deserve to be considered an accomplice. I mean co-author.” said Twilight, refusing to lift her face from the surface of the table. She wondered if there would be some way she could distract her friends and go back to hiding in her book fort, preferably forever.
“Yeah, ah guess ah could see that. Still, you don’t really think that anypony actually talks that way, right? Ah don’t even know what a Kelvin is, but I’m pretty sure there ain’t any of ‘em in most romance novels.”
“It’s harder than it sounds, OK? It’s like... I know how I would say something, but then I try to make it so I’m thinking about what another pony would say, and how they would feel, and... it’s impossible! It’s like having half a dozen different ponies in your head giving you conflicting advice!” Twilight finally gave up on wallowing in self pity and looked over to the pony she was speaking to. Applejack still seemed skeptical.
“Well, ah guess, but how hard can it be to recreate a conversation between two ponies? That should be the easiest part! Ah could do it in my sleep.” Rarity and Twilight both fixed a withering glare on Applejack. Then they both developed an extremely disconcerting smile. Applejack knew she had made a big mistake, though she wasn’t sure yet exactly what that mistake had been.
“Why Rarity” Twilight began, her eyes not leaving Applejack’s for a moment. “I believe we have a volunteer to write the next scene.” She smiled, but the smile never reached her eyes. Those eyes reminded Applejack of nothing so much as a hungry timberwolf that knew its prey was cornered with nowhere to run.
“I think you’re correct, Twilight. I’m sure she’ll do a wonderful job. After all, she could reproduce a convincing conversation in her sleep.” Rarity put on a more convincing performance than Twilight had, but Applejack couldn’t miss the undercurrent of aggression in her voice as she pushed the quill and inkwell towards the earth pony along with a fresh sheet of parchment. Still, all she had to do was write two ponies talking to one another. How hard could it be?
“Ah think we’ve earned some time together, don’t you?” Ricardo asked his beloved.
“Shoot, yeah! Bein’ with you makes me happier ‘an a pig in slop! I don’t think I ever felt so happy bein’ in the royal court, with all those other ponies that thought their fancy-schmancy duds and grub made ‘em better than me.” Esmeralda grimaced as she remembered growing up around all the worthless, stuck up noble ponies that had never worked an honest day in their lives.
“Well, heck, we shure can agree on that one. Ah may have grown up in a fishin’ village on the island of Acaponyco, but ah never could stand any of them official-types either. They didn’t ever really understand just how hard it was to grow up as in a fisher pony family, never sure if yur pappy would be able to catch somethin’ for you to eat that night, or if you’d have to go to bed hungry.” He looked into the distance, remembering the time before he’d been a successful adventurer. “Still,” he grudgingly admitted “ain’t nothing so hard as working the land like an honest farmer pony.”
“Oh, no arguin’ there.” Esmeralda agreed with the obviously true statement. “‘Specially farmers that have to work with some kinda’ orchard-based crop. They’re awful under-appreciated by other ponies. Like, say, the sort that think pickin’ out the right kinda frilly lace to go with their designer shoes counts as hard work.”
“Yeah, it’s awful hard to sympathize when a pony like that complains that her silly dresses ‘only’ sold for as much as a half-acre’s worth of apples you spent an entire afternoon buckin’. Or that the stipend they get for bein’ the Princess’ favorite and sittin’ on their flanks reading all day isn’t enough.” Ricardo thought about how much he resented that sort of pony, and how annoyed he might be if those same sorts of ponies dragged him into writing their silly romance books.
“Oh Ricardo, ah’m so happy that we agree about all of this. Ah thought that since we grew up with such different backgrounds that our general outlooks on life might be awful different from each other.”
“Nah, that’s just silly talk! How can we disagree on these things when our opinion is so obviously the right one?” Ricardo lifted Esmeralda closer, their faces so close they could feel each other’s hot, short breaths against their cheeks.
“Oh Esmeralda!”
“Oh Ricardo!”
“Oh, please! THAT’S what you think a conversation sounds like?” interjected Rarity, breaking Applejack’s focus. She yanked the quill out of the farmer’s mouth before she could write another line.
“Well shoot, that’s what I would sound like if I were sayin’ this junk. I told you, it’s easy!”
“Applejack, I think Rarity’s point is that you aren’t trying to make sound like you’re the one saying the words, you want it to sound like the character is.” Twilight patiently explained.
“Ah beg your pardon?” said Applejack
“Come on AJ, it isn’t that hard. Even I get what they mean.” said Rainbow Dash, who had recovered from her hysterical fit. “It’s like, do you remember living in Manehatten and how you had to learn to talk to fit in with all those lame-o ponies you told me about?”
“I suppose...” Applejack hesitated. “But those ponies didn’t talk normal! Ah do. Heck, ah can barely understand what the rest of y’all are saying some of the time, through those weird accents ya got.”
Pinkie laughed. “Don’t be silly Jackie! Every pony thinks their accent is normal! But no pony’s really is. And if you write the wrong accent it’s like the wrong pony is saying the right words, or maybe it’s like the right pony’s saying the wrong ones. The way you wrote this, it’s like you and Big Mac are getting ready to make out with each other!”
That brought the conversation to another screeching halt. Five young mares stared off into the middle distance, all of them trying to shake off the same exceptionally disturbing mental image.
“What? Why’d y’all go so quiet all of a sudden?” said Applejack, not quite grasping what had happened.
Fluttershy’s head slowly began tilting to her right side, until it came to a rest at a forty-five degree angle from her neck. She was blushing so brightly her cheeks had turned almost as pink as her mane.
“Wait, are y’all picturing... Ew! EEEEEW! Stop thinking that RIGHT THIS SECOND!” Applejack’s outburst started the rest back to reality.
“Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure none of us were thinking of anything like that, Applemac. Applejack. I said Applejack. Isn’t that right guys?” said Twilight. The rest of her friends nodded as furiously as they could without looking up from the floor.
“See? This is what happens when you write stories with too much talking and not enough other stuff; You start having incestuous fantasies involving your friends!” Pinkie cheerfully declared, grabbing the quill herself. “Do the thing with all the dashed lines again, I’ll show you how it’s done.”
Ricardo started down at his beloved Esmeralda. For the first time, he noticed the rich brown color of her eyes. They were a light shade of brown, like the hue of a mug of coffee with two creams at the diner he used to frequent when he was attending college. He remembered just how much he’d loved that diner. The only 24 hour restaurant in town, it had been the perfect place to settle in for an all-nighter of studying the night before a test or exam. Not only was the coffee delicious and always fresh, it was served by a waitress, Cream N. Sugar, who never begrudged him for staying at the same table for hours at a time without ordering anything. He’d gotten to chatting with her one night when there weren’t many other customers, and learned that she’d been a graduate student herself, at the same elite university he was going to now. She had been half way through completing her thesis in ponthropology, a study of the battle spatulas used by the ancient zebras of the Marengeti region during the pre-colonial era. Specifically, their development between the years 500 and 250 Before Celestia. She’d had to drop out of school when her sister contracted an incurable cancer and passed away, leaving Cream to raise her young foal as Cream’s own. Cream was always struggling to balance her personal life, her responsibilities to her adopted daughter, and her dream of someday finishing her degree and going on to curate a museum exhibit called “Artifacts of the Marengeti”
As far as Ricardo knew, she was still a waitress. Actually, he hadn’t heard anything from her or even thought much about her in at least a decade. Certainly, none of her actions had any bearing on his latest adventure. Which is too bad, since she sounds like a really interesting character. Oh well!
While Ricardo was staring deep into Esmeralda’s eyes, she too became aware of every detail around them. The lapping of the waves against the side of the ship triggered an old memory of hers; The days back on her family’s estate when she would go wandering through the forest behind their manor to her favorite spot by a babbling brook. Sometimes she’d find her older cousin Shell Shock sitting there under the mid-morning sun, taking frequent pulls from the silver flask he always carried with him. Shell Shock had never really been the same after he’d come back from the Great War. Still, he’d always been a like a big brother to her despite their age difference. He’d watch her splash and play in the stream with a faraway look in his eyes. Then on the way back home, he’d tell her all about the friends he’d made in the army. At least he would as long as you didn’t ask why he never had any of them over or saw them any more. If you did that he’d go all quiet for the rest of the afternoon and have to refill the flask more times than usual. When she’d looked back on it as a grown mare, she clearly recognized how bad her cousin’s alcoholism had been, and how innocent and naive she’d been not to recognize how awful it had been for him.
Shell had struggled with his drinking for over a decade. Then one quiet night in the rundown apartment where he lived alone after driving away all his friends and family with his obnoxious behavior, he slipped off to sleep... and woke up the next morning having spontaneously recovered. He was suddenly a new pony. He never drank seriously again, although he’d share an ale with his mates from time to time without it ever leading to anything harder. When ponies asked, he was unable to recall any epiphany, moment of clarity, or encounter with an angel pony who had shown him what life would be like if he had never been born. If his life had some sort of narrative arc, he had once commented flippantly, it surely must be a very unsatisfying one for a hypothetical reader. That had made every pony around him laugh.
There was probably an important lesson in his sudden recovery. Something that, if a young filly could just wrap her head around it, would forever change her outlook on life and shape the way she viewed the world.
Whatever that lesson was, Esmeralda hadn’t learned it. Against all odds, growing up with this relative hadn’t changed her in the slightest. It was just a completely irrelevant thing that happened.
Anyway, back on the boat Esmeralda and Ricardo totally started making out, and stumbled into the ex-Captain’s cabin to have sex.
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“See how much better the story is when your characters aren’t just talking all the time?” Pinkie said.
“But... but what was the point of all that stuff? None of it did anything to advance the main story. How are people going to focus on what’s happening if you add a bunch of stuff on the side? If it doesn’t have affect what the major characters do or think, it’s just a pointless plot tumor.” said Twilight.
“Mah grand-pappy had plot tumors. The doc said that it was because he didn’t eat enough fiber or get regular colonoscopies. Those things are serious.” Applejack added, nodding solemnly.
“...Please Applejack, I’d like to keep the psychologically scarring mental pictures involving your family to one a day, tops” said Rarity. “Honestly, I just hope the damage you’re all doing to my masterpiece is reversible. I’m planning to send this off to publishers, I’ll have you know.”
“What’s a publisher?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“A publisher is a business. They take manuscripts that ponies write and, once they’re good enough, turn them into finished books and send out a bunch of copies to sell.” explained Twilight.
“THAT’S how books get made?” said Rainbow Dash “You mean they just take a bunch of random stories by random ponies and send them out to random stores for other ponies to buy? What do they call themselves, the Random House?”
Pinkie fell to the floor laughing at the very idea. “That’s the silliest business I’ve ever heard of! Except for the time the Torte brothers tried to open up a combination bakery and law firm. That was pretty silly too.”
“Well that’s how it works. And you girls have been absolutely no help at all! I don’t know how I can possibly write a passionate love scene after all this dreck leading up to it!” complained Rarity.
“Um... I actually have a couple of ideas about that” said Fluttershy. She had slowly scooted her way back to a small corner in the library’s non-fiction section when her friends started arguing with one another. Now only her head was visible around the corner of the shelf she’d hidden behind. As her friends turned to face her, she retreated back behind the bookcase completely.
“Really? I wouldn’t have thought that you’d want to write that sort of thing. I never had you pegged as that sort of pony. You’ve been holding out on me!” said Rarity. The gears in her mind turned as she began to plan ways to make Fluttershy spill some details during their next spa appointment.
“Oh, I don’t think I could write it, I just had a couple of ideas for, you know, general... um... setting and atmosphere.” said Fluttershy.
“Come on Fluttershy, it’s your turn to write something anyway!” said Pinkie Pie.
Fluttershy’s brow furrowed. Since when were they taking turns? She dug her hooves in, but was helpless to keep the pink earth pony from pushing her back to the table her friends had gathered around. Applejack pushed another sheet of parchment in Fluttershy’s direction. “Well, I guess I could try...”
Esmeralda and Ricardo, locked in a passionate embrace, entered the ship’s most elegant cabin. It contained several decorations and/or pieces of furniture including but not limited to a rug, a four-post bed covered in furs and blankets, portraits of the ship’s previous owners, a writing desk, another rug, and an end table with a lamp placed upon it. After carefully considering all of these items as potential locations for having sex on/over, Ricardo and Esmeralda felt the bed was best, and got onto it. Then they did a bunch of stuff that was totally sexy. Indescribably sexy actually, as in I literally cannot adequately describe how totally hot and sexy the aforementioned stuff was. Touching, caressing, poking, prodding and other similarly sexy verbs were all involved, in varying amounts. Upon the completion of these actions, which again I remind you were definitely, unquestionably, irrefutably sex-tastic, the exhausted ponies pulled apart and fell back onto the sheets, completely and utterly spent.
“Boy, those things we just did were certainly sexy!” stated Ricardo, completely correctly.
“They could also be rightly described as ‘hot, arousing, or racy’” stated Esmeralda.
“Yes, those are all certainly synonyms.” agreed Ricardo. “But I do worry that it was a little bit too graphic for some ponies.”
“You may be right. Why, what if some young foals were reading this? They could be exposed to ideas and images that their poor, young, innocent minds don’t have the proper context to handle. They would be confused and uncomfortable, and it would all be the fault of the pony that wrote this.” said Esmeralda.
It would?
“Yes, Fluttershy, it would. I can’t believe you could be so irresponsible as to commit such incredibly sexy things to paper.” said Ricardo
Oh, dear, it’s not that I wanted to! But my friends...
“Your friends are probably even more shocked than we are! When they asked you to write this they surely didn’t think you’d come up with a scene that was so shocking and lewd!” said Esmeralda.
“Indeed, I bet they’ll never forgive you. As a pony who was raised with traditional Equestrian values, you should be totally ashamed of your natural sexual fantasies and desires.” said Ricardo “Especially that one involving the cute earth pony stallion who works in the mayor’s office, caramel syrup, and 14 pounds of chicken feathers!”
Oh no! I promise, I’ll never do it again! I won’t have anymore fantasies! Just leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Fluttershy flung the quill she’d been holding across the room, and began sobbing uncontrollably. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to lose control like that! I didn’t want to offend anypony! I wrote write any more, I promise!” Her words degenerated into unintelligible choking noises.
Pinkie Pie was the quickest to react to the crying pegasus. “No, I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I shouldn’t have made you write anything when you didn’t want to. I’m sorry.” She nuzzled Fluttershy consolingly, and wrapped her in a comforting embrace.
“Pinkie’s right Fluttershy. We weren’t going to be mad or ashamed of you no matter what you wrote.” said Twilight. “I mean did you see what I wrote? That’s way more embarrassing than yours. Besides, these books would only be for grown up ponies, so no fillies or colts should see anything in them anyway.”
“R-Really? What I wrote was... was OK, then?” said Fluttershy, trying her hardest to pull herself together. She hated crying in front of her friends. It made her feel like such a burden on the wonderful ponies she was lucky enough to hang out with. But they always seemed to understand, and Fluttershy was eternally grateful for that.
“It certainly was! Don’t give another thought. That mean fictional character was completely out of line!” said Rarity.
“Oh girls! Thank you! Thank you so much!” said Fluttershy. The ponies all gathered together around Fluttershy. She was still crying, not from shame now but from the joy of having such wonderful friends to rely on. It was truly a perfect moment.
“So... am I the only one that really wants to know about the chicken feathers?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy’s moment of happiness shattered as she remembered exactly what she’d written. Suddenly her basest instincts took over, and those instincts were telling her to hide. Disappear. RUN! She looked around the library for some kind of shelter from the onslaught of embarrassment, before finally noticing Twilight’s book fort on the other side of the room. In a blink she was diving towards it at speeds that would have impressed even the Wonderbolts.
“Fluttershy! No!” Twilight cried out. “Nineteen Eighty Fort isn’t structurally sound!”
But it was too late. Fluttershy couldn’t slow the momentum she’d built in her desperate sprint to the fort, and slammed into its back wall. The walls, made up mostly of thick, heavy tomes as well as hardbound textbooks, teetered back and forth for an ominous moment before toppling inward.
“Fluttershy!” cried Applejack, dashing after her. All that was left of Twilight’s fort was the section of wall that had previously been the south-eastern corner, the rest had collapsed into a disorganized pile. Applejack immediately feared the worst.
A moment later, the books at the base of the wall that was still standing began to stir, and two yellow wings popped out of the pile of scattered books. Fluttershy shook the remaining books from her back, mostly just a few paperbacks that had fallen onto her, and stood up unharmed.
“You’re all right! Oh thank Celestia!”
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m just lucky that this corner of the fort stayed up, some of those other falling books looked like they’d have really hurt.” said Fluttershy.
“Not that surprising” said Twilight, a hint of pride creeping into her voice. “I used the complete works of Anton Chekhoof as the foundation for that corner. It could take a lot more punishment than that.”
“Well, now that that’s settled, we can refocus on the more weighty issue at hoof.” said Rarity. ‘My novel still doesn’t have an ending! I’m starting to think that none of us are good enough to finish it.”
“Oh don’t be so fussy, you’ve obviously just forgotten what’s the most important part of any story!” said Rainbow Dash. “You just have to have characters that are totally awesome! They have to do awesome stuff, and they need to have a super cool catchphrase! If you do that everything else won’t really matter! Oh, and you totally gotta put a twist at the end. Otherwise how will ponies know they want to buy your next book?”
“I assume they’ll want to buy it because my first one is so good” said Rarity.
“Have you been reading the same stuff I have? I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed. Let’s be at least a little bit realistic here.”
“And I suppose you already have some idea of exactly how to write all this?” said Rarity.
“I might. I know I can come up with something way cooler than any of you guys. No offense.” said Rainbow Dash.
“Gee, why would we ever take offense at that?” said Twilight, rolling her eyes.
“I know right? Every pony knows I’m the coolest pony in this whole town. There’s no shame in being less cool than I am. Now give me that quill, I’m gonna wrap this story up in ten seconds flat.”
The sun rose the following morning on the HMS Malfeasance, now rechristened The Totally Radical by its new captain Ricardo. Ricardo himself had just been woken by the morning rays, and slipped out of bed, trying not to wake the beautiful mare still asleep next to him. He dressed himself quickly yet quietly, and had just opened the door leading out to the ship’s deck when he heard Esmeralda begin to stir behind him.
“Ricardo? What time is it? Where are you going, dearest?” she asked.
“Sorry hon. Last night was great and all, but I’m afraid it’s time for me to move on to my next adventure. After all...” he put on a pair of sunglasses, “Adventure is my middle name.”
“You’re... you’re leaving? Just like that? After all we’ve been through together? But I thought you wanted to settle down! Start a family! Last night you said...”
“Whoa, listen babe, Ricardo says a lot of things, OK? But there’s one thing I value above love, family, and riches. Independence. You might even say...” Ricardo put on a pair of sunglasses “Independence is my middle name.”
“Well, aren’t you at least going to take me back to shore first? You have to report back to the Queen what’s happened here! You can’t just be so irresponsible as to abandon a helpless maiden like myself in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight!” said Esmeralda, becoming desperate.
“You wouldn’t think so, but it turns out...” he put on a pair of sunglasses “Irresponsibility is my middle name.”
He walked out the door without looking back. Esmeralda sat up in the bed still shocked. It hurt her pride to beg, but she knew she’d never meet another stallion as awesome as Ricardo was. She had to try to make him stay.
“Wait! Don’t do this Ricardo! Think of your family honor! Think of my father’s hydroelectric power empire! If you leave, where shall I go? What shall I do?” cried Esmeralda.
Ricardo paused, and glanced back over his shoulder. “Frankly my dear...” he put on a pair of sunglasses “I don’t give a dam.” With that, he spread his wings and took off, soaring into the air and off to his next adventure.
Meanwhile, down in the ship, the two hench-ponies that hadn’t been seen since, like, five scenes ago sat in the darkness and plotted their next move. They would have their revenge, oh yes, and their plan would be so brilliant, so cunning, and so devastating that Ricardo would need every trick he knew and the help of all his friends, including a mysterious but alluring new mare with a dark past and a darker secret, if he hoped to survive. Let him have his illusion of triumph, he would soon rue the day he’d crossed the most vile enemy he’d ever known.
THE END..........?
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Rainbow Dash finished writing with a small flourish and sat back with a look of smug satisfaction. “Read ‘em and weep, ladies. That’s how it’s done!”
Rarity examined Dash’s handiwork, looking nauseous as she finished reading what she’d written. “Oh, it makes me want to weep all right...”
“Well, at least it’s done. Ah don’t know how much more of this author thing ah could take before ah started to go bonkers.” said Applejack. “So... what happens now?”
“Well, we’ll need to go through it and start looking for typos, grammatical errors, see how much of it we can salvage.” said Rarity
“Ooh! Ooh! I know! We should throw a Finished-Writing-A-Book party instead!” suggested Pinkie.
“Or you could go to the doctor’s office and pick up Spike, like you were supposed to *sniffle* do an hour ago.” said Spike.
“That’s a good idea, Spike.” said Twilight as she gathered up the loose pages and placed them in a neat pile on the table. “Alright girls, lets head over to the doctor’s office and... Wait, Spike? When did you get back?”
“A couple of minutes ago, not that you noticed. You were all huddled *sniffle* around Rainbow Dash watching her write something. I can’t believe you forgot to come get me. I’m feeling much better though, thanks for asking.” said Spike. Twilight couldn’t blame him for feeling so upset. She was just as upset with herself for letting him down. “My temperature hit 108 degrees overnight. The doctor *sniffle* said he’d never seen such an acute case of Dragon Hypothermia.”
Fluttershy gasped. “Oh no, poor Spike! We’re so sorry. I didn’t know I was distracting Twilight from going to take care of you!”
“Oh Spike, don’t blame Twilight. This was all my fault! I came in here and made her help me with a project I’m working on and we got so busy, we must have just completely lost track of time. Can you ever forgive me?” asked Rarity.
Spike turned to the white unicorn. He was still mad, but looking into those earnest cerulean eyes made it impossible for him to stay upset for long. “Well, I guess if it was a favor for you Rarity, *sniffle* I can let it go this time. But I expect extra-special treatment from here on out! You could start to make it up to me by making me some opal burgers for dinner tonight.”
Twilight chuckled “You got it Spike. Anything for my number one patient. Did the doctor say how much longer you’d be sick for?”
“He said that the worst of it should be over, but that if I still had the symptoms by tomorrow morning I should take a... a... ah... AH-CHOO!” Spike let out a mighty sneeze, sending forth a blast of green flames. When Twilight uncovered her eyes she was relieved to see her friends were unhurt. But her relief turned to dread as she looked at the table, which was now bare except for a couple of scorch marks.
“Spike...” said Twilight, her voice calm despite the twitch that had suddenly developed under her left eye.
“Um... Now Twilight, before you get mad, you should remember that this wouldn’t have happened if you remembered to pick me up, so it’s really your own fault if...” said Spike.
“Spike...” Twilight’s mane began to give off smoke.
“I’m sick! I didn’t do it on purpose! I can’t be held responsible for... urp...” whatever Spike had been about to say when he broke into a coughing fit and blew forth a cloud of green magic, which coalesced into a letter. A letter bearing the royal seal of Princess Celestia.
“YOU SENT THAT... THING... WE WROTE TO THE PRINCESS?!?!” With the appearance of the letter Twilight’s panic attack began in earnest “If she reads that story, she’ll call me back to the capital for Emergency Writing Lessons! Or worse... Oh no... not that...”
While Twilight was ranting in the background. Spike opened the letter and began to read it aloud.
My Faithful Student,
I’m so glad you and your friends have learned that the joys of writing needn’t be confined to official, work related duties. I look forward to seeing how your style and talents develop with further practice.
Twilight felt a spark of hope. It almost sounded like the Princess had enjoyed her work. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. At least the princess hadn’t decided to institute...
Spike continued; On an unrelated note, I find myself especially burdened by my official royal duties and paperwork this season. For that reason, please send all future works and friendship reports directly to one of the following pre-readers...
