Paranoia

I felt myself start to hyperventilate as Octavia kept the ponies outside at bay. "God damn it! I have sex and this is what I get for it!" I pulled my covers over my head. "I'm gonna buy a god damn chastity belt!"

Octavia turned inside to face me, keeping her butt against the door. "Oh calm down, they're staying out. And you can leave, still under house arrest, but you can come home with me."

"Oh, great! I get to go to some random house and hang out, get butchered by birds." I crossed my arms and laid down, faded beige light coming through my sheet. "Octavia...I wanna go home. Underground home...safe home." I rubbed my face. "I just--"

"Then we can go home.... I'm inviting you over, the least you could do is see my house before passing judgment." Octavia's hooves clattered against the tile floor and over to me. "Maine...you're being a baby."

I pulled the sheet to conform around my head. "I'm not a baby! I'm just bad at being an adult!"

I could hear Octavia's sigh fill the room. "I have a place for you to stay, and I've already put too much into making you normal to stop now!" Octavia's hooves rattled against the floor. "I really do need to rethink who I decide to go after...."

I peeked out of my sheets. "Well sorry! I mean...I just.... It was a crush...and you were gonna be stuck in there with some crazy griffon, what was I--"

Octavia reared up and leaned against my bed. She put a hoof on my head and patted me. "I know...I know, and thank you for that." She ruffled my hair with her hoof. "And you're sitting there...sad, in the dark, how could I not--"

"Lesbians, please." The door flung open, the stallion from Naval Intelligence stormed in. "Control your ovaries--"

"Control your asshole, gaylord!"

Clock slumped down, a sour look drawing across his face. "Oh you're hilarious.... So hilarious I had my men dump everything vapid in your bunker!"

I shot upright, Octavia falling back onto all fours as I sat upright. "You did what!?"

Clock rolled his eyes. "Got your attention, now stop talking about my ass--"

"Then don't talk about my ovaries!" I laid back down. "Don't talk about Octavia's ovaries either...jackass."

Octavia looked between us. "So...you're friends aren't you?"

"No!"

"No!"

We stared at each other. Octavia lowered her head and huffed. "You have the strangest way of connecting to people." Octavia shook her head and walked to the door. "Maine, I'll be back, I need to call someone, start fixing up a room for you."

I frowned softly. "Fine...bye.... Come back soon." I watched her smooth looking tail slip out of the door. "...Bye."

Clock glared at me the whole time. "How long have you--"

"Three months now? Maybe only two. It's hard to tell when you live underground and lack the sun...." I rubbed my arms and turned to face the sour faced pony. "So what did you want?"

Clock sighed and sat down on the floor. "I have my ponies waiting outside your bunker--"

"Why?" I asked with a bit of ire in my voice.

Clock stared at me, eyes lazy and tired. "Because we need to install the new cameras and survalence equipment.... Did you not read--"

"No, I didn't read your stupid contract! You threatened to make me talk to people!" I sat upright and slid my legs off the bed. "Why are you trying to get into my house?"

Clock rolled his eyes. "I marked you under a surveillance expert, you'll be having a few others living with you down there now, and if what you said was true and you've got a whole complex, I might move my operations down there too--"

"Are you gonna pay the utilities?"

Clock stumbled over his words. "I- ukh, you've been stealing utilities!"

"I know!" I slid off the bed and onto my feet. I felt short, only a bit taller than Clock. "But if I'm gonna be little Ms. Perfect then someone is going to have to pay and it's not gonna be me!"

"Not stealing doesn't make you perfect!" Clock stomped his hoof and stood up. "It just makes you not a thief!"

I shrugged. "Close enough, right?"

"No! Not close at all!" Clock pulled his hoof over his face. "How did you get her?" He thrust his hoof towards the door. "That thing is-- I mean, you've seen me and my stallion, but even I can--"

"I don't know, but I'm not going to complain!" I put my hands on my hips. "She must see something we're not seeing!"

Clock nodded. "Mares are strange...they see things in others that--"

"Uh...vagina--"

"Oh you don't count! I've seen where you lived, you live in filth!" Clock walked up to me, ey elevel with my shoulders. "...So, you're shorter than I thought you would be."

I crossed my arms. "I've always been short. Also, if you don't like my bunker then stay out!"

Clock rolled his eyes. "At any rate...congradulations on finding such a mare to deal with you. She's beautiful."

I nodded. "Luck, or...something." I rubbed my arms. "Talked on and off for a few months then had...uh, I'll uh.... Look, we talked, then we had a mini adventure, then...I--" I took a deep breath. "You get that she's hot...so--"

Clock grunted softly. "Tap that flank?"

"Right?" I held my hands out. "She said she would go out with me, so I mean.... Come on dude...I'm still alive, I still like sexy things--"

"And you've proven you've got the self-control of an angry badger." Clock shook his head. "Anyways...bunker talk."

I sighed loudly. "You want to move in?"

Clock nodded. "I want the whole story, from the start."

I sighed loudly. "Later...when we're in there." I scratched my head. "I moved to Equestria...got harassed by bird people, then moved underground ever since." I stretched my neck. "That's the short version, you want the long version you get me out of here alone, or with Oc--"

Clock rolled his eyes. "Agent Maine, please...we're Equestrian Naval Intelligence, we're expert smugglers and thieves." He smiled evilly at me. "Now, you are an agent, and whether or not you like it, it's about time we jump you in."

I felt myself shiver heavily. "You're talking slow and I don't like it!"

Clock laughed slowly. "But I thought you were into box? I'm sure you'll love it."