Cards Against Equestria Girls

Chapters

Round One!
Round Two!
Round Three!
Round Four!
Round Five!
Round Six!
Round Seven!
Round Eight!
Round Nine!
Round Ten!

Round One!

"So whut's this game you want us to play?" Applejack asked.

The six core members of the Rainbooms were having another slumber party at Pinkie's house, as they were prone to do twice a month. Their seventh member, Vinyl Scratch, had been invited, but had a prior commitment.

Sunset Shimmer pulled a black box out of her backpack. The cover read simply:

Cards Against Humanity

A party game for horrible people

"Ooh, I've heard of that game," Pinkie said. "It's like those old Mad Libs books they used to sell back in middle school, only...well...I've heard this gets pretty raunchy."

"It says it's for horrible people," Fluttershy said softly. "We...we're not horrible...are we?"

"We're certainly not," Rarity said.

Sunset rolled her eyes. "That's just the slogan," she said. "Well...okay, it's...pretty raunchy. But it's all in good fun." She smiled. "I thought maybe it'd help us all loosen up...maybe show each other a side of ourselves we don't really let out much."

"Huh," Applejack said thoughtfully.

"So how's this game work?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"There's a deck of white cards and a deck of black cards," Sunset explained, opening the box. "We each take ten white cards to start. Then we each take turns being the Card Queen—"

"I thought it was Card Czar?" Pinkie said.

"Yeah, well, we're all girls, so I'm going with Queen," Sunset said.

"Okie-dokie lokie!"

Sunset Shimmer began shuffling the cards. "So as I was saying, we each take turns being the Card Queen. The Card Queen draws a black card, which either has a question, or a fill-in-the-blank sentence. The Card Queen reads it out, then everyone else picks a white card to answer the question or fill in the blank. The idea is to pick the funniest thing in your hand to match with the black card. The Card Queen reads the question again, then reads the answers. Then she picks the answer that's the funniest. Whoever played that answer gets the black card for that round, which becomes an Awesome Point. Then the next player becomes Card Queen, while everyone draws back white cards until they have ten again. At the end of the game, the player with the most Awesome Points wins."

"Hehe, Awesome Points," Rainbow Dash chuckled. "Yeah, I can get behind that."

Rarity frowned. "Well...it certainly sounds simple enough."

Sunset smirked. "I've actually played this game. It can get pretty wild."

"Oh my...I don't know..."

"Let's play!" Pinkie cheered. "I don't mind getting a little raunchy if it's with my BFFs!"

Everyone stared at her.

Sunset shook her head. "Okay, I think we'll go in reverse alphabetical order for Card Queen. That way, I can start, and show you how the game works, okay?"

The others tentatively agreed and began drawing white cards.

As they looked over the cards they'd drawn, Sunset observed their reactions. Rarity's cheeks were very pink, Applejack's eyebrows were climbing into her hairline, Pinkie Pie was giggling, Fluttershy looked like she was about to have a panic attack, and Rainbow Dash looked like she'd just found out what was in the mystery meat in the cafeteria.

"Oh...oh my goodness...what...what IS this?"

"Uhh...Sunset...darling..." Rarity coughed. "I'm...suddenly not so sure about this game."

"Hey! No chicken-outsies!" Pinkie cried.

"Well I'm playin'," Rainbow said. "Just because I gotta see how big of a train wreck this turns into."

Applejack grumbled. "Heck, Ah'm in."

"Good, then we're all playing," Sunset said as she drew a black card. "Then let's begin..." Clearing her throat, she read loudly and clearly, "Daddy, why is Mommy crying?"

"This isn't off to a promising start at all," Rarity said as she rifled through her cards.

"Heh, that's actually pretty tame for this game," Pinkie said.

"Oh my goodness," Fluttershy mumbled, sinking below the edge of the table.

"Come on, come on, pick a card and pass it here," Sunset said.

One by one, the girls each slid a white card, face-down, over to Sunset, who collected them and, keeping them face-down, shuffled them. Once they were sufficiently shuffled, she picked the black card back up, followed by the first white card.

"Daddy, why is Mommy crying?" she repeated. Then, looking at the white card, she said, "Bingeing and purging."

"That'd do it," Rainbow said.

"Whoever came up with this game is sick," Applejack said.

Sunset shook her head and picked up the next card. "Penis envy."

Pinkie started giggling. Sunset snickered, then picked up another card. "Estrogen."

"Booo," Rainbow Dash jeered. "Lame!"

"That was way too tame," Pinkie agreed.

"Hmm. Yes, I suppose that's not a very...fun answer, is it?"

A fourth card was picked up and read by Sunset. "An asymmetric boob job."

Rarity tittered. "Oh dear. Yes, I suppose one would cry over that."

"Oh my."

"And last, we have..." Sunset turned over the fifth card. "Court-ordered rehab." She chuckled. "Okay...I think I'm gonna have to go with the boob job one. Who had that?"

"Me!" Pinkie called, waving a hand in the air.

Sunset laughed. "Okay, Pinkie. You get an Awesome Point." She slid the black card over to Pinkie, who cheered as she set it aside. "Okay, everybody draw a white card to replace the one you used that time. Rarity, you're the Card Queen now, so take a black card and get ready."

"Oh, very well," Rarity said, drawing first a white card, then a black card. "Is everybody ready?" When the girls all nodded, she picked up the black card, read it once, then covered her mouth and giggled. "Oh. Oh my. Ahem. What would Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?"

"Hah! I bet I can beat you all," Sunset said, immediately slapping a white card down.

"Hmmm...so many choices, and such riches aplenty," Rainbow said as she mulled over her cards. "Eh. Guess this'll do." She laid one down as well.

"INSTANT WIN!" Pinkie declared, slapping down a card.

"Oh...um...I don't think any of these really work," Fluttershy said, before timidly playing a card.

"Ah...uh...wanna pass this round," Applejack said.

"No, that's not how this game works," Sunset said. "You gotta play."

"Yeah but...Ah just...can't really..." Applejack swallowed.

"Just throw something down, AJ! Sheesh!"

"Well...shucks..." Applejack threw a card down, a disgusted look on her face. "This game is a pile of horseapples," she declared.

"That's what makes it fun," Sunset said, grinning. "Okay, Rarity. Do the thing."

Rarity shuffled the white cards. "Alright. What would Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?" She picked up the first white card, then raised an eyebrow. "Oh dear. Ahem. A bleached asshole."

Rainbow Dash snorted. "WHAT?!"

"Well, that's what it says," Rarity whined, laying the card on the table. "Next one is...being on fire."

"Yeah, there ain't nothin' endearin' 'bout bein' on fire," Applejack said.

"Next is...teenage pregnancy," Rarity announced.

"Well...I guess if she really really wants great-grandkids," Pinkie mused.

"The next one is..." Rarity glanced at the fourth card, then made a choked, spluttering noise. "WHAT?!"

"What's it say?" Pinkie asked.

Rarity turned very red. "Umm...it says...'inserting a mason jar into my anus.'"

"WOW," Rainbow said, eyes bugging out.

"Meep," Fluttershy meeped.

Pinkie Pie cracked up. "That's AWESOME!" she declared. "Oh, if I was Card Queen this round, I'd SO pick that one!"

Rarity coughed. "Ahem. The last one says 'elderly Neighponese men.'"

"Awww, that's a cute answer," Pinkie said, still lapsing into giggles.

"So which one wins?" Sunset asked.

Rarity flushed. "Well...ahem. As...creative as these all are...and as...as disturbed as I am by some of them...I believe I should honor the spirit of the game and, well..." She coughed delicately. "The mason jar one."

Sunset cackled. "Told you I had this one!" She reached over and snatched the black card from Rarity, setting it aside.

Rainbow gave Sunset a look that was half-disgusted, half-impressed. "You're sick," she said.

"Thank you," Sunset said primly, a sly smile on her face as she drew a new white card. "By the way, you're the next Card Queen."

Once everyone had drawn a new white card, Rainbow took the next black card. She glanced at it and frowned. "Well, this one sucks. What's there a ton of in Heaven?"

The others started sorting their cards. Sunset frowned. "Well, I'm not winning this round," she muttered.

Rarity pulled a face. "I've got a couple of safe answers and one truly tasteless answer," she said.

"Play the tasteless one!" Pinkie said cheerfully. Then she sighed. "I'm with Sunset here. I'm dumping a junk card this round." She laid a white card on the table with a pouty face.

"Yeah, mine don't work none too good for this'n either," Applejack said. "Guess Ah'll play th' worst card Ah got." She laid a card on the table with a grimace of distaste.

"This could work," Fluttershy said thoughtfully as she played a card.

"Sunset, darling? We're waiting on you," Rarity said pointedly.

"Yeah, yeah," Sunset said with a sigh. She laid a card down on the pile.

Rainbow Dash collected the pile and shuffled it. "Hope this round doesn't totally suck," she muttered. "So...what's there a ton of in Heaven?" She drew the first white card...then snickered. "Pedophiles!"

"Icky!" Pinkie cried, making a disgusted face.

Rainbow picked up the next card. "Amputees!"

Everyone looked at one another. "Well...probably, yeah," Applejack said.

Rainbow shook her head and picked up the third card. "Sexy pillow fights!" There was a round of soft chuckles; even Fluttershy laughed.

Rainbow snickered, then drew the next card. "Silence."

The entire table fell silent.

"Man, that one blows," Sunset said.

"Yeah, it kinda does," Rainbow agreed. She picked up the last card, read it...then burst out laughing. "Old people smell!"

Rarity let out an unladylike snort. "Oh my...that's..." She doubled over, consumed with giggles.

Sunset laughed. "That one right there!" she howled.

"That's AWESOME!" Pinkie cried.

Rainbow chuckled. "Heheheh...yeah. Who had that one?"

Fluttershy blushed and raised a hand.

Rainbow grinned. "You win this one, 'Shy," she said, tossing the card at Fluttershy. "Pinkie, you're up next!"

"Yippie-skippie!" Pinkie said as she drew a fresh white card, then drew a black card while the others were restocking their hands. She looked at the card. "Oooh, this is a pick-two!"

"Pick-two?" Rainbow asked.

"It's where instead of just one white card, you play two, in the order the Card Queen should read them," Sunset said. "That means this time, we're all going to know exactly who played what." She grinned. "Pick-twos make things a little more interesting."

"Oh my," Fluttershy said.

"Okay, so...ready everyone?" Pinkie asked. She read the card slowly. "I never truly understood blank until I encountered blank."

The other girls' brows furrowed as they studied their cards. Silently, each girl played a pair of cards. Once the girls had all made their selections, Pinkie nodded. "Okay, I'll go in Queen order. Ready?"

The girls braced themselves.

"Okay, first, Sunset: I never truly understood the true meaning of Christmas until I encountered a really cool hat."

Fluttershy giggled. "I like that one."

"Next, Rarity: I never truly understood panda sex until I encountered a man on the brink of orgasm."

Everyone STARED at Rarity.

Rarity flushed. "What? I did the best I could with what I had to work with!"

"Suuuuuure," Sunset drawled, smirking.

"Is...is that why pandas are endangered?" Fluttershy said, on the verge of tears.

"I'd think panda fuckers would be more in danger from that," Pinkie said. The others stared at her. She blinked. "What?"

"I...never thought I'd hear you use that word, darling," Rarity said.

Pinkie shrugged. "I'm turning my mouth filter off tonight."

"You have a mouth filter?" Rainbow asked incredulously.

"Moving on to Rainbow's answer!" Pinkie declared loudly. "I never truly understood the art of seduction until I encountered..." She faltered, fighting a laughing fit.

"What's it say?" Sunset asked.

Pinkie stammered, "A-A-A.K. Y-yearling's d-delicious a-a-assh-hole!" She completely lost it and tossed the cards into the air, falling over backwards and letting out screaming howls of laughter.

"Whut th' hell?" Applejack cried, letting out a bark of laughter.

Sunset Shimmer wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. "Oh, man, that one's gonna be hard to beat."

Rainbow leaned back and smirked. "The best part? I totally stand by that one."

"Oh, we know," Fluttershy said, giggling.

Pinkie sat back up, gasping for breath. "Oh my gosh, Rainbow, that's...that's amazing..." She coughed, then picked up Fluttershy's cards. "Fluttershy's is...I never truly understood destroying the evidence until I encountered poopy diapers."

This one was met with blank stares.

"Uhh...Ah don't get it," Applejack said.

"Me either," Sunset admitted.

Fluttershy blushed. "My cards weren't...very good for this one," she said.

Pinkie shrugged. "Okay, lastly we have Applejack: I never truly understood sexual tension until I encountered friends with benefits."

The room grew very uncomfortable suddenly. Applejack looked around, a blush creeping up her cheeks. "It ain't me, it's th' damn cards!"

"Riiiight," Sunset said. "Pinkie? A winner please?"

"Oh, Dashie won this one," Pinkie said. "No question about it." She gave Rainbow the black card; Rainbow did a little victory jig.

"Okay, everybody draw two cards, then Fluttershy gets her turn," Sunset said, drawing two white cards.

"Oh my...I don't know if I want to..."

"Nope, you gotta go," Rainbow said.

"W-well...alright," Fluttershy said as she took two white cards and a black card. Once everybody was ready, she read the black card. "Oh. Well...this one isn't too terrible. 'The class field trip was completely ruined by blank.'"

Rarity sighed and tossed down a card. "I won't be winning this round either."

"I might," Pinkie said, snickering as she tossed down a card.

Rainbow grinned and threw down a card. "Finally, a good place to use this crazy-ass card!"

Sunset's brow furrowed. "Some of these are...in very poor taste, and more than a little personally sensitive," she said. "I mean, for anybody but me, they'd be good plays, but..." She sighed. "I guess this is as good as any." She laid down a card.

Applejack smirked. "Ah got this one," she declared, slapping down a card.

"Um. Well. Okay then." Fluttershy took the white cards and shuffled them, dropping them in her lap once before managing to get them back on the table. "Okay, here...here I go...

"The class field trip was completely ruined by a spastic nerd."

"I think that actually happened once," Rainbow said.

"The class field trip was completely ruined by...flying sex snakes?"

"Whut."

"The class field trip was completely ruined by flightless birds."

"That reminds me of that one show where that guy got chased by an ostrich," Pinkie said, giggling.

"The class field trip was completely ruined by puberty."

"Been there, done that," Rainbow said.

"Okay, last one...the class field trip was completely ruined by a stray p—" Fluttershy blushed. "A...a s-stray p-pube," she stammered.

The rest of the table fell over, howling.

"Oh my god!" Sunset Shimmer roared, banging her fists on the table. "That...oh my god!"

"That...is...BRILLIANT!" Rarity screamed, tears streaming from her eyes.

Fluttershy covered her face with the cards, a brilliant flush lighting up her face...and started giggling. "Oh...oh my..."

Applejack chuckled. "Ooookay, yeah, that's a good one. Whose was that?"

Pinkie's hand shot up. "Me again!"

Fluttershy forced herself to recover and slid the black card over to Pinkie. "You...heehee...you won that one."

"Yay!"

"Alright...Ah guess it's my turn now, huh?" Applejack said. "So after this, it's over?"

"Are you kidding?" Sunset asked. "We're just getting started!"

"Yeah, look at all these cards we haven't used yet!" Pinkie declared. "We gotta keep going!"

"W-well...I-I guess...maybe another round after this..." Fluttershy said, blushing.

"Oh, I'm just beginning to enjoy this," Rarity said. "Besides, I do so want to have at least some chance of winning."

Once everyone had replenished their white cards, Applejack took a black card. She looked at it, and her face fell into a flat, bemused glare. "Seriously?"

"Oh, this should be good," Sunset said with a grin.

"Come on, Applejack," Rarity said. "Don't keep us all waiting!"

Applejack sighed. "Alright..." She cleared her throat. "What gives me uncontrollable gas?"

The rest of the table exploded in laughter. Even Fluttershy collapsed with helpless giggles.

Applejack groaned. "Come on now, y'all. We ain't ten-year-old boys. Let's be mature now, okay?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Pinkie said, giggling as she sorted through her cards. She laid a card down.

Rainbow could barely put her card on the table, she was laughing so hard. Rarity cast Sunset an odd glance as she played her card. Sunset and Fluttershy played their cards at the same time.

Applejack mixed up the cards, then coughed. "Alright, so...accordin' t' yall, what gives me uncontrollable gas is..." She picked up the first white card. "Boogers."

"Ewww!" Pinkie squealed, giggling.

"An' uh..." Applejack looked at the next card. "Full frontal nudity."

"Oh my," Fluttershy said, biting the insides of her cheeks.

"Also, uh...whuh-oh..." With a nervous glance at Sunset, Applejack cleared her throat and said, "Uhh...horse meat."

Sunset's face fell flat. "One of you dies tonight."

"Uh, so...yeah...oh hey! Surprise sex gives me uncontrollable gas."

Pinkie laughed. "It's true!"

"An' th' last thing that gives me uncontrollable gas is..." Applejack stared at the card. "Okay that jest ain't right."

"What's it say?" Rarity asked rather anxiously.

Applejack's face turned green. "Havin'...havin' anuses for eyes."

Everyone except Applejack and Rainbow Dash froze. Sunset momentarily forgot that she was upset as she processed that mental image.

"EWWWWWWW," Sunset, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity declared in unison.

"I...I believe I may need to...throw up," Rarity said.

"Me too," Sunset said, her cheeks bulging.

Rainbow cackled. "Thank you, thank you!"

"Oh my GOSH, Dashie, what is WRONG WITH YOU?" Pinkie cried. "That's just..." She paused, tilting her head. "Although I guess that WOULD give you uncontrollable gas..."

"Yeah, Ah...Ah reckon it would," Applejack said. "Hell, RD, you win this one."

Rainbow snickered. "I like this game!"

As Rainbow collected her Awesome Point, Sunset shook her head. "Okay, so...Pinkie and Rainbow are tied at two each after the first round. Let's take a second here to collect ourselves, and then I'll go again."

"Umm...how many...how long are we going to play?" Fluttershy asked.

Sunset glanced at Pinkie's clock radio. "Hmm...one round doesn't really take all that long...it's still pretty early...if we take little snack run and bathroom breaks between circles...I think we can play about ten full rounds, maybe?"

"You mean...each of us has to read out ten of those ridiculous cards?" Rarity asked.

"That's...that's an awful long haul for this crazy mess," Applejack said.

Sunset shrugged. "Well, we can just play until we get tired of it," she said. "But I figure if we go around the room ten times, everybody'll have a chance to pick up points and maybe win." She smiled. "Besides, you all enjoyed that first round, admit it."

"W-well...some of it, I guess," Fluttershy said.

"I could play this all night!" Pinkie declared.

"Me too," Rainbow grinned. "Because I'm awesome at it."

Rarity sighed theatrically. "I...suppose it's...amusing."

Applejack sighed. "If RD's stickin' to it, Ah ain't backin' down."

Sunset nodded. "Okay. Let's fetch some snacks and take a bathroom break, then we'll start our next round."

Author's Note

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 1
Rarity: 0
Rainbow Dash: 2
Pinkie Pie: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Applejack: 0

Round Two!

After taking turns visiting the bathroom and raiding the kitchen, the girls returned to Pinkie's room, sitting back down to the table. "So, do we keep usin' the same cards?" Rainbow asked.

Sunset shrugged. "Might as well."

Everyone counted to make sure they had ten cards. Sunset checked the notepad where she'd been quietly keeping score during the first round. "Okay, so...right now, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie are tied. Let's go ahead and start off the next round..." She drew a black card. "Fill in the blank: 'Here is the church, here is the steeple. Open the doors and there is...blank.'"

"Hmm." Rarity frowned at her cards. "I'm just not having any luck...oh, wait...that could work."

"Heh, this is a good one," Rainbow said, sliding a card onto the table.

Fluttershy smiled secretively as she laid her card down.

The others played their cards. Sunset collected the cards and shuffled them. "Alright, let's see...'Here is the church, here is the steeple. Open the doors and there is...'" She looked at the first white card. "A disappointing birthday party."

"Laaaaaaaame," Rainbow jeered.

"Open the doors and there is...a sausage festival."

"Oooh, I like sausage!" Pinkie said happily.

Sunset choked. "Uhh...I don't think it means that kind of sausage, Pinkie."

"Aww."

Clearing her throat, Sunset moved on to the next card. "Open the doors and there is..." She blinked, raising an eyebrow. "The female orgasm."

Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash spluttered.

Sunset shook her head. "Open the doors and there is...a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis?"

"Owchie!" Pinkie said.

"Is that how they do circumcisions?" Rainbow asked, pulling a face.

"Guessing no," Sunset said, shaking her head. "Last one: Open the doors and there is...Daring Do erotica."

Everyone looked at Rainbow Dash, waiting for her reaction. "What?" she said, blinking back at them.

Sunset rolled her eyes. "Who had the orgasm?"

Fluttershy raised her hand.

"Eww, you're totally mopping my whole bedroom!" Pinkie cried. Everybody laughed.

Fluttershy blushed. "Umm...maybe...Sunset Shimmer could've phrased that differently?"

Sunset snickered. "Okay, one more point for Fluttershy."

"Yay..."

Once fresh cards had been drawn, Rarity took another black card from the deck. "Alright...'Why can't I sleep at night?'"

The girls focused intently on their cards, not making any comments as they slid cards across the table to Rarity.

"Alright, let's see why I can't sleep at night. Ahem." Rarity flipped up a white card. "Multiple stab wounds. Yes, I suppose that might keep me awake." Smirking, she picked up the next card. "Inappropriate yodeling. Yes, that would certainly do the trick. What else?" She drew the next card, looked at it, and wrinkled her nose. "Lactation? Seriously?" She looked around the table. "Is one of you calling me a cow?" Shaking her head, she took the next card. "Dry heaving. Well I certainly am after that last card." She picked up the final card. "And lastly, I can't sleep at night because of...fiery poops?"

Pinkie started giggling. Rainbow made a face, then doubled over laughing.

"Oh my," Fluttershy said. "You should really see a doctor about that."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "I'm going with the yodeling one this time. Who had that?"

"Um, me," Fluttershy said.

"Whoa, Fluttershy's on fire," Rainbow said.

"Fluttershy is poops!" Pinkie exclaimed, giggling.

Rarity slid the black card over to Fluttershy as Rainbow drew the next black card. Once everyone had drawn new white cards, Rainbow looked at the black card. She grinned. "Oh, this'll be fun." She looked around at the girls with a predatory smirk. "What will always get you laid?"

"Eep!" Fluttershy eeped.

Rarity raised an eyebrow. "Oho, this should be good."

Much blushing ensued from the others as they rummaged through their cards. It took nearly a full minute for everyone to decide on a card to play. Rainbow shuffled them, then coughed. "Alright...here's the things that will always get you laid:

"Powerful thighs."

"Oh! Oh! Like that one girl in that fighting game?" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Copping a feel," Rainbow said.

"Yeah, that'll do it," Sunset agreed.

"Exactly what you'd expect," Rainbow said. At the others' blank looks, she laid the card on the table. "Exactly what you'd expect," she repeated.

"I guess that makes sense," Fluttershy said.

Rainbow picked up the next card. "Free samples?"

"What, you mean like flashing your bits?" Sunset said, frowning.

"And lastly..." Rainbow laughed. "Hot cheese!"

Pinkie snickered. "Guys do love hot cheese!"

"I'm goin' with hot cheese for that one," Rainbow said, grinning.

"YES!" Sunset cried. Rainbow flipped the card over to her, and the others began drawing white cards. "Okay Pinkie, hit us with your best shot."

Pinkie picked up a black card. "Oh hey! I got another pick twosies!"

Sunset's jaw dropped. "Two in a row?! What the hell, Pinkie?"

Pinkie shrugged. "I dunno, just lucky, I guess!" Once the girls were ready, she read the card:

"They said we were crazy. They said we couldn't put blank inside of blank. They were wrong."

"Gaaah," Rarity said. "The answers to THAT are going to be positively mentally scarring, I just know it."

"Well girls, pony up!" Pinkie said with a mischevious grin.

The girls rifled through the cards, selecting pairs with various expressions ranging from caution to embarrassment to sadistic glee, then placing them before Pinkie Pie. Once everyone was done, Pinkie said, "Queen order again?"

"Sure, why not?" Sunset shifted uncomfortably.

"Okay then..." Pinkie picked up Sunset's cards. She glanced at them, and her hair drooped. "Uhh...Shimmy? You sure you wanna play these?"

Sunset sighed. "They're the best fit I've got, and I've been wanting to get rid of those two cards since the first round."

Pinkie shrugged. "Alright." In an unhappy tone, she said, "They said we were crazy. They said we couldn't put my inner demons inside of a tiny horse. They were wrong."

Nobody laughed, smiled, or said anything. They all just looked at Sunset with sad expressions. Sunset looked away, wrapping her arms around herself.

Pinkie coughed. "Yeah. So, uhh...let's see Rarity's. 'They said we were crazy. They said we couldn't put sunshine and rainbows inside of a murder most foul. They were wrong.' Hmm. That's...not too bad, but...we can do better."

"Yeah, that kinda sucked," Rainbow said. "Do mine."

"They said we were crazy. They said we couldn't put dead babies inside of preteens. They were wrong." Pinkie made a face. "Dashie! EWWW!"

"Dammit, RD, you need professional help!" Applejack thundered.

"Let's see Fluttershy's," Pinkie said hurriedly. "They said we were crazy. They said we couldn't put crystal meth inside of a defective condom. They were wrong." She blinked, then frowned at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy blushed and ducked her head. "What?"

"Ooooookaaaaaaay...." Pinkie shook her head. "Please let Applejack's not be creepy..." She read the next two cards, then let out a sigh of relief. "They said we were crazy. They said we couldn't put an oversized lollipop inside of my soul. They were wrong." She tossed Applejack the black card. "You win this one. The rest of those answers were either too fucked up or too depressing."

The girls cleared their throats and busied themselves with replacing their cards while Fluttershy hesitantly drew a black card. "I hope this round is actually fun," she said. "Because that last round...really wasn't."

Once everyone was ready, Fluttershy looked at the card...and meeped. "Oh my..."

"Read it, darling," Rarity urged.

"Oh. Okay. Umm." With a blush, Fluttershy said, "What ended my last relationship?"

"Oooh, I LIKE that one!" Pinkie cried happily.

"Yeah, let's all abuse Fluttershy!" Rainbow said, laughing as she rooted through her cards.

"Let's...let's not abuse me, please," Fluttershy said. "Let's...let's be very gentle with me..."

"Not making any promises," Sunset said with a grin as she laid down a card.

Pinkie made a frowny face at her cards. "Bleah. I don't have anything good for this one," she complained.

Once everyone had played, Fluttershy shuffled the white cards. "A-alright," she said. "Here's...here's what everybody says ended my last relationship." She picked up the first card, then blushed furiously. "T-tentacle porn?"

Rainbow cackled. "Yours or his?"

"And...um...oh my...a homoerotic volleyball montage."

Rarity giggled.

"Oh, and also...oh...seeing Grandma naked...oh goodness..."

"Eww!" Pinkie giggled.

"Also, a time travel paradox. Hmm."

"So you were his mom?" Sunset suggested.

"Oh my...what an imagination you have..." Fluttershy ducked her head. "And lastly, what ended my last relationship..." She let out a startled squeak as she read the final card. "Oh. Oh my. Oh. N-no. I...I can't read this one out loud. I'm...I'm sorry."

"READ IT!" everyone yelled.

"MEEP!" Fluttershy jumped. Her cheeks burning, she fumbled the card onto the table and whispered, "Doin' it...in, umm...the butt..."

"Sorry darling, couldn't quite hear you," Rarity said.

Pinkie picked up the card, stood on the table, and announced, "DOIN' IT IN THE BUTT!"

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep," Fluttershy squeaked quietly before falling over on the floor.

"I think we have a winner," Sunset said, smirking. As Applejack picked Fluttershy up and tried to shake some sense back into her, Pinkie asked, "Who had the butt?"

"I had the butt!" Rainbow said. Pinkie tossed her the card, which she added to her pile. "Aww yeah! I'm awesome! Take caution!"

Fluttershy suddenly launched herself over the table and thumped Rainbow in the forehead. "Don't. Just...just don't." She sat back down and arranged her own cards.

Once everyone had drawn again, Applejack picked up a black card. "Oooh, Ah got a pick-two!" she said.

"Oooh, yay! I finally get to play a pick-two!" Pinkie said.

"I hope this one goes better than the last one," Rainbow muttered.

"Y'all ready?" Applejack asked. As the girls nodded, she read the card:

"In a world ravaged by blank, our only solace is blank."

The girls studied their cards, picking out pairs and laying them on the table. Once everyone had played, Applejack pulled the white cards closer, then went around the table in Queen order.

"Okay, so...Sunset Shimmer says: In a world ravaged by gloryholes, our only solace is runnin' outta semen."

Rainbow let out a loud snort of laughter. "Oh, that's so wrong!"

"Now that don't even make sense," Applejack said, frowning.

"Y-yes it d-does," Pinkie said, giggling.

Applejack shook her head. "Okay...an' now Rarity's: In a world ravaged by saxophone solos, our only solace is prayin' the gay away."

"Oh wow, that is so wrong!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"And yet, I want to laugh so hard," Sunset said.

"Okay, so uhh...Rainbow's is: In a world ravaged by dark an' mysterious forces beyond our control, our only solace is throwin' a virgin into a volcano."

"That...actually sounds like a movie plot," Sunset said. "Or a Daring Do book."

"Yeah...that one actually sounded kinda cool," Pinkie said.

"Okay...Pinkie's is: In a world ravaged by natural male enhancement, our only solace is vehicular manslaughter."

"Well, who doesn't wanna hit that creepy guy in those bigger dick pill ads with a car?" Pinkie asked.

"Wow, creepy much?" Rainbow said, blinking.

"Alright, y'all...lemme do Fluttershy's. In a world ravaged by unfathomable stupidity, our only solace is...kids with ass cancer?"

Everyone burst out laughing. "Oh my god, Fluttershy!" Rainbow cried. "How do you keep doing that?"

Fluttershy blushed. "I...I'm not trying, really. It's...it's just the cards I keep drawing..."

Applejack chuckled. "One more for Fluttershy," she said, shaking her head.

"Wow, that puts you in the lead," Sunset said. "Good round."

"Umm...thank you," Fluttershy said demurely, drawing two more white cards.

"I'll go get us some drinks," Pinkie said. "Don't mess with my cards!"

"I'm totally messin' with her cards," Rainbow said.

"No, you're not," Rarity said. "I must say, aside from a few...ahem...foibles...this is going much better than I had originally anticipated."

"Yeah," Sunset said. "I just hope no more cards come up that...that hit any sore spots."

"Oh, I'm fairly certain they will," Rarity said. "But it's just a silly game, darling. Just...don't let it get to you, alright?"

Author's Note

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 2
Rarity: 0
Rainbow Dash: 3
Pinkie Pie: 2
Fluttershy: 4
Applejack: 1

Round Three!

Once Pinkie returned with drinks, Sunset drew another black card. "Ready for more?" she asked.

"No, but we'll play anyway," Applejack said.

Chuckling, Sunset read her card. "What are my parents hiding from me?"

"Hoo boy, here we go," Applejack said, shaking her head as she looked over her cards.

Rarity frowned. "Oh, I so do not want to play this card on this question, but...I would rather save this other, delicious card for a more opportune time..." Sighing, she slid a card across the table. The others followed suit.

"Alright, let's see what we've got," Sunset said, picking up the cards and shuffling them. "What are my parents hiding from me?" She picked up a white card. "Chunks of dead hitchhiker. Well that's pleasant."

"Eww," Pinkie said, giggling.

"A lifetime of sadness."

"Uhh...next," Rainbow said.

"Land mines," Sunset said, raising an eyebrow.

"Ah heard of wantin' yer kids outta th' house, but damn," Applejack said.

"A cooler full of organs. Wow. These are some real sociopaths here," Sunset said. Shaking her head, she read the last card: "Grave robbing."

"Wow, this one's tough," Rainbow said, scratching her head.

"Yeah...so many answers are so...samey," Pinkie said.

"Yeah," Sunset said, frowning. "I think I'm gonna have to go with the cooler full of organs on this one."

"Point for me!" Applejack said. Sunset passed her the card.

As the girls drew new white cards, Rarity drew a black card. "Are we ready girls?" As the others nodded, Rarity cleared her throat. "Oh my. What did I bring back from Mexicolt?"

A ripple of laughter went around the table. "Oh, this is gonna be awesome," Rainbow said. In two seconds flat, she had a card on the table.

Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, this is the best possible place to use this one," she said, laying down a card.

In no time at all, Rarity had a pile of white cards in front of her. "Alright then," she said, "let's...let's see what I brought back from Mexicolt, shall we? Ahem." She picked up a card, then turned green. "A super soaker full of cat pee. How...lovely."

"You didn't have to go all the way to Mexicolt for that!" Rainbow said, laughing. "You've already got a cat!"

Rarity rolled her eyes. "The next thing I brought back from Mexicolt is...a gassy antelope?"

"Do they even have antelope in Mexicolt?" Pinkie asked.

"I don't think they do," Fluttershy said.

"They also don't have sperm whales, but that didn't stop me from bringing some back from Mexicolt apparently," Rarity said as she looked at the third card.

"Jeez, Rarity, how big a suitcase did you TAKE?" Rainbow cried, laughing.

"Next is...geese?" Rarity said. She shook her head. "If you say so, darlings. And lastly..." She picked up the final card, stared at it, and threw it down. "Oh, honestly, that is simply disgusting."

Sunset grinned malevolently at her. "Read the card, Rarity."

Rarity stared at her. "It's...it's your card, isn't it?"

Sunset smiled.

Rarity sighed. "Oh, very well. Apparently, I went to Mexicolt and, for reasons I will never quite fathom, brought home two midgets shitting into a bucket."

There was a pause.

"OH THAT IS SO GROSS!" Pinkie howled, falling over backward and laughing.

"EWWW!" Rainbow cried, screaming laughter as she kicked and flailed her arms.

Fluttershy shot up from the table and ran from the room. A moment later, they heard her vomiting explosively. This only served to make Pinkie and Rainbow laugh harder.

"Really, Sunset Shimmer," Rarity said archly.

"That's what you get for the horse meat card," Sunset said. "And don't pretend it wasn't you."

Rarity sighed. "Oh, very well."

Once Fluttershy returned, wiping her mouth, Rarity flicked the black card at Sunset. "As disgusting as your card was, darling...I have to admit you outshone them all this time...so to speak. The point is yours."

"My turn," Rainbow said, snatching up a black card. She barely waited for the others to finish getting their new white cards before reading it. "During sex, I like to think about blank."

"Oh god, I don't even want to know what you think about during sex, Rainbow Dash," Sunset said with a laugh as she studied her cards.

"You shouldn't even be having sex," Fluttershy said softly.

"I'm NOT!" Rainbow said hotly. "It's...it's just what's on the friggin' card, alright?"

Sunset and Pinkie each got a malevolent smirk as they played their cards at almost the same time. Applejack frowned at her cards, then pulled out her phone. A moment later, a slow, evil grin broke across her face, and she laid down a white card. Fluttershy had a sheepish look on her face as her card joined the others. Rarity sighed and flopped a card haphazardly onto the table.

Rainbow swept up the cards, shuffling them. "Okay, let's see what you sick pervs came up with," she said with a grin. "During sex, I like to think about...the cool, refreshing taste of fizzy apple cider." She stared blankly at the card.

Applejack raised an eyebrow.

Rainbow frowned. "During sex, I like to think about...the south." Her eye began to twitch. "Oh goddammit."

Sunset and Pinkie began cackling.

"Uhh...Rainbow...you know Ah like you as a friend an' all, but..."

"Shut it!" Rainbow cried. With a loud groan, she picked up the next card. "During sex, I like to think about...holding down a child and farting all over him?"

"Who's the sick perv now?" Sunset asked, laughing.

Rainbow shook her head and sighed. "During sex, I like to think about...queefing? The fuck is queefing?"

Giggling and snorting, Pinkie leaned in and whispered in Rainbow's ear. Rainbow turned green. "Gross!"

"Pretty accurate, though," Sunset said. "Or so I've heard."

Rainbow groaned. "Last one says incest. Gah. Who played that?"

"Sorry," Fluttershy said. "It's the only thing I had that made sense."

Rainbow flipped her off. "I hate all of you right now. You know that, right?"

"We know," Sunset said. "But we still love you. So, who wins?"

"Your butt wins. My foot," Rainbow grumbled. "The fizzy apple cider one, because the rest are just stupid."

"Yay!" Pinkie cheered. "I'm the least stupid girl here!" She accepted her Awesome Point with a little shake of her bootie, then drew a white card and a black card.

"Can we please stop making this game nasty and personal now?" Rarity asked.

"Ah second that," Applejack said.

"It's just the cards making it that way," Sunset said.

"Okay, is everybody ready?" Pinkie asked. When the others had their cards in order, Pinkie read the black card. "Ooh, this one's pretty safe: 'What don't you want to find in your Kung Pao chicken?'"

The girls laughed, then looked at their cards. "Ugh, I don't have anything good for this one," Sunset said.

"Neither do I," Rarity sighed.

Once the girls put their cards in, Pinkie mixed them up. "Okay, here's a list of five things you don't want to find in your Kung Pao chicken. First up: opposable thumbs!"

"I'd think you wouldn't want to find thumbs in it at all," Sunset said.

"Second: Homeless people!"

"Or any kind of people," Applejack said.

"Next: 72 virgins!"

"I ordered mine with 73 virgins, and I want all 73, dammit!" Rainbow said. The others snickered.

Pinkie giggled, then said, "Next: centaurs!"

They all looked at Sunset. "Hey, do they even have centaurs where you come from?" Pinkie wondered.

Sunset frowned. "I've only ever heard of one. He was...he was one of the most evil criminals in Equestrian history."

"Oh. Well that sucks. Okay, last thing you don't want to find in your Kung Pao chicken: a salty surprise."

Rainbow gagged. "Oh god."

Sunset's forehead crinkled. "Nasty."

"What?" Fluttershy asked. "Nobody wants to find too much salt in their food."

Rainbow whispered something into Fluttershy's ear. Fluttershy turned pale. "Oh. Oh my."

"I think I'm gonna give the 72 virgins one the win this time," Pinkie said.

"Oh, um...that's me," Fluttershy said.

"Here she goes again," Rainbow muttered as Fluttershy took another Awesome Point, then drew the next black card to play.

"She's smokin' us," Applejack said as she took a white card.

Once everyone was ready, Fluttershy read her card. "Coming soon to Bridleway: Blank, The Musical."

"Oooh, I like that one," Pinkie said.

Once the girls played their cards, Fluttershy picked them up. "Okay...um...Coming soon to Bridleway..." She looked at the first card, then blushed. "Concealing a Boner: The Musical."

Rainbow snickered. Pinkie giggled.

"Umm...oh! I like this one. Vigorous Jazz Hands: The Musical."

"Eh, kinda lame," Rainbow said.

"It fits real well though," Applejack said.

"Vigilante Justice: The Musical."

"Didn't they already do that? Like, twice?" Pinkie asked.

"Umm...oh my. This one's really nasty. Foreskin: The Musical."

"Ewww, gross!" Rainbow said, laughing.

"Another circumcision joke? Seriously?" Sunset asked.

"And last...oh...umm..." Fluttershy stared at the card, her mouth working like a fish. "Umm...oh...oh my..."

"Just read it," Applejack said tiredly.

"Well...a-alright..." Fluttershy swallowed, took a deep breath, and...

"Firing a Rifle Into the Air While Balls-Deep in a Squealing Hog. Umm...The Musical."

There was a long pause.

"...WHAT?!" Rainbow Dash roared.

"Please don't make me say it again," Fluttershy said quietly.

Sunset snatched the card away from her, read it, and burst out laughing. "Oh sweet Celestia that is the most fucked up thing I have ever read." She passed the card around the room; Rainbow and Pinkie exploded into laughter, while Rarity affected an air of disgust.

Applejack folded her arms smugly.

"That was yours, wasn't it AJ?" Sunset asked.

"Eeyup."

"Damn, girl," Sunset said, laughing.

Fluttershy ducked her head. "W-well...I liked the jazz hands one the most, but...but...Applejack can have this point," Fluttershy said, handing Applejack the card.

Applejack tipped her hat. "Much obliged. An' Ah finish off th' round again, right?" She drew a white card and a black card. Once everyone was ready, she read the card. "What gets better with age?" She smirked. "This oughta be good."

Once the cards were played, Applejack shuffled them and started. "What gets better with age?" She picked up the first white card. "My sex life."

"Eh," Rainbow said dismissively.

Applejack picked up the second card. She raised an eyebrow. "Walkin' half-nekkid in a Hinny's parkin' lot."

Fluttershy giggled. "Okay, that's actually pretty funny." The others laughed.

"The next thing that gets better with age is...lickin' things to claim 'em as yer own. Whut th' huh?"

"That doesn't even make sense in any context," Rarity said.

Applejack shook her head. "Next is...sweet, sweet vengeance." She shrugged. "An' last is..." She spluttered. "Sapphire Shores' vagina?!"

The room erupted into laughter.

"Heh...okay, that one's pretty good," Sunset said. "But I think I like the Hinny's one better. It's just...so out there."

"Yeah," Applejack said. "Ah think Ah'm givin' th' nekkid at Hinny's thing th' point."

"YES!" Rarity exclaimed. "Rarity has FINALLY ARRIVED!"

Applejack chuckled. "Good work, Rarity. Here ya go." She stood up and stretched. "Alright, Ah gotta take a leak."

"Me too," Pinkie said.

"I think I'll go pop some popcorn," Fluttershy said.

Author's Note

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 3
Rarity: 1
Rainbow Dash: 3
Pinkie Pie: 3
Fluttershy: 5
Applejack: 3

Round Four!

Once the six girls had settled around the table again, Sunset Shimmer drew another black card. "Whuh-oh," she said. "I've never actually had to deal with this card before."

"What card?" Rainbow asked warily.

"The haiku card," Sunset said. She frowned at it. "Umm...I think I know how this card's supposed to work." She studied the card. "Okay...you all have ten cards already, right? You each need to draw two extra cards. Then, you need to play three cards, in the order you want them read, to make...to make a haiku."

Fluttershy frowned. "So what if we don't have cards with five or seven syllables?"

Sunset shook her head. "Don't worry about the syllable count. It just needs to be three cards." She shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry, girls. This is like, the weirdest card in the game."

The others looked at one another, shrugged, and drew two extra white cards each, then began studying their cards.

"This is a tough one," Rainbow said.

It took almost three whole minutes for the five girls to lay down their cards. "Alright...going in Queen order again," Sunset said. "We're going to do it slightly differently though. This time, instead of me reading your answers..." She smiled. "You are going to read them. You need to really sell it, girls. Rarity, you go first."

Rarity picked up her three-card haiku and cleared her throat. "Getting really high. Dying of dysentery. The folly of man."

"Whoa, that was deep," Pinkie said.

Sunset nodded. "Nice one. Rainbow Dash? You're up."

"Aw crap," Rainbow muttered. Groaning, she picked up her cards and, in much the same tone as she used to read out of the textbook in class, she mumbled, "My genitals, breaking out into song and dance, when you fart and a little bit comes out."

The others blinked at her.

"Umm...nice effort?" Sunset ventured. "Pinkie, let's see what you've got."

Pinkie picked up her cards and darted into her closet. There was some banging and rustling. A minute later, she emerged, draped in a black cloak, her hair completely straight and lank. She held a lit candle in one hand, casting an eerie glow over her face. "Poor people. Pooping back and forth forever. The inevitable heat death of the universe." She blew out her candle, then threw off the cloak, reappearing at the table with her hair once again poofy.

The other girls stared at her.

"That was...really disturbing," Sunset said, shuddering. "Fluttershy?"

"Huh? Oh...umm...alright." Fluttershy coughed politely, picking up her cards. In the most sultry, erotic voice she could muster, she breathed, "Tasteful sideboob. A sad handjob. The pirate's life."

"Woooow," Pinkie said. "You should do phone sex."

"Holy crap," Rainbow muttered, staring at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy blushed, toying with her hair. "Umm...please forget you heard that."

"Nothing doing," Sunset said, grinning. "Okay Applejack, finish this off."

Applejack groaned, but picked up her cards. "Okay, lessee here..." She cleared her throat. "Poor life choices. Pretending to care. Getting so angry that you pop a boner."

"That...was about Big Macintosh, wasn't it?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"No. No it was not," Applejack said. Her eyes roamed all around the room.

"WwwwwOW," Sunset Shimmer said, wide-eyed. "Ooooo-KAY then. Let's see..." She sighed. "Sorry, I gotta give Fluttershy this one, just for the phone porn voice."

"Yaaay," Fluttershy breathed erotically.

"Dammit, cut that out!" Rainbow cried, blushing.

"Okay, draw back up to ten," Sunset said. "Rarity, it's your turn again."

Rarity drew one white card, then one black card. She examined the black card, raising an eyebrow. "This will be fun," she said. Once everybody was ready, she read the card. "Why do I hurt all over?"

The others giggled; Fluttershy blushed. It didn't take long for the girls to pick their answers and slide them to Rarity, who swept them up and shuffled them. "Okay, let's see here...

"Why do I hurt all over? Autocannibalism. Oh my. Yes. That...that would hurt."

"Yes. Yes it would," Sunset said.

"I also hurt all over because of..." Rarity chuckled. "Horrifying laser hair removal accidents." She shook her head. "This is why I go for hot wax, personally."

"That sounds REALLY ouchie," Pinkie said.

"Alright, another reason I hurt all over is...not reciprocating oral sex?" Rarity frowned. "That has rather...disturbing implications." She shook her head. "The next reason I hurt all over is...an endless stream of diarrhea?"

"Well that'd definitely hurt in at least one place!" Pinkie said.

Rarity smirked. "Alright, one more reason I hurt all over..." She looked at the last card. She blinked. Her eyes widened. Her cheeks turned red. "Oh...oh my."

"What's it say?" Sunset asked.

"It says...50,000 volts straight to the nipples," Rarity said.

"OUCH," Rainbow said, cringing.

"That wouldn't hurt all over, that'd dead all over," Applejack said.

Rarity sighed. "Well, this is a conundrum. I can't decide whether to give it to that one or laser hair removal."

"Fried nipples, definitely," Pinkie said. "That one's too awesomely wrong to let go."

Rarity chuckled. "Alright. Who had the extremely crispy nipples?"

"Umm..." Fluttershy raised her hand. "Me. Again."

Rainbow's jaw dropped. "HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?"

"I...I don't know!" Fluttershy squeaked.

"Well, however you're doing it, you're beating the panties off the rest of us," Rarity said, sliding the black card to Fluttershy.

"My turn," Rainbow said. Once everyone was ready, she picked up another black card and read it. "What never fails to liven up the party?"

"Oh wow, so many good ones for this," Applejack said. After much shuffling and pondering, she and the others each laid down a card.

"Okay, what never fails to liven up the party?" Rainbow asked again. She picked up a random card and looked at it. "Sniffing glue."

"Just ask Snips and Snails," Sunset quipped.

"Eating the last known bison." Rainbow grinned. "Mmm, bison burgers."

"That's terrible," Fluttershy said sadly.

"Assless chaps," Rainbow said.

"It all depends on who's wearin' 'em," Applejack said.

"Taking off your shirt," Rainbow said.

"Again, it all depends on who's taking it off," Sunset said.

"Last one: spontaneous human combustion." Rainbow snickered, as did Pinkie, Applejack, Rarity, and Sunset. "Okay, yeah, that one wins."

"Yee-haw!" Applejack cried, taking off her hat and waving it around. Rainbow flicked her the black card, then grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"My turn again!" Pinkie said, drawing a black card. "What's my anti-drug?"

"GOOD QUESTION!" Sunset, Rainbow, Rarity, and Applejack all shouted back.

"And one of you five has the answer, so pony up!" Pinkie said, blowing a raspberry. As soon as five cards were on the table, Pinkie said, "And just for that little outburst, I'm invoking a new rule for this question! You all have to read your answer, and we're going in Queen order!"

"You can't do that!" Applejack said. "Can she?"

Sunset sighed. "I'm afraid she can."

"Dammit."

"And no taking back your answers!" Pinkie said as she saw Applejack trying to sneak her card back into her hand. "We're starting NOW!" She slapped the table hard. "SUNSET! GO!"

Sunset sighed. "An icepick lobotomy."

"Oooh, OUCH," Rainbow said.

"RARITY! GO!"

Rarity coughed delicately. "Laying an egg, darling."

"If anyone could, it'd be Pinkie Pie," Applejack said.

"RAINBOW DASH! GO!"

"Pictures of boobs."

"Don't need pictures of boobs, mine are awesome. FLUTTERSHY, GO!"

Fluttershy ducked her head and mumbled something.

"LOUDER!"

Fluttershy sighed and looked up. "A bitchslap," she said.

The room exploded in laughter.

Pinkie looked stunned. "Seriously? You'd bitchslap me?"

"N-no! Not at all! It's...it's the cards!" Fluttershy looked to be on the verge of tears.

Pinkie sighed. "Even if you did bitchslap me, I'd forgive you," she said. "APPLEJACK, GO!"

"Ah don't wanna," Applejack said.

"FLUTTERSHY, BITCHSLAP APPLEJACK!"

"Okay okay, sheesh!" Applejack turned red. "Ummm...uhhh...m-mah vagina."

Sunset, Rainbow, and Rarity stared at her. She blushed more furiously, hiding her face with her hat.

"APPLEJACK GETS THE POINT! I'LL CLAIM THE VAGINA LATER. NEXT QUEEN!"

"H-hey now, wait a sec there!" Applejack said as Pinkie flung the black card at her. "Ah...Ah never said Ah wanted t'..."

"Whoa, Pinkie, I didn't know you swung that way," Sunset said.

Pinkie blinked. "Actually, I don't know which way I swing. I think maybe both ways?"

"There's a surprise," Rainbow said as she drew a white card.

"Oh, umm...it's my turn now, right?" Fluttershy asked meekly. At Pinkie's nod, she took a black card. She looked at it. "Oh my...!"

"Ah already have a funny feelin' about this one," Applejack said.

"Oh, umm...are you all ready? This...this is a pick two." She looked around at the others, swallowed, then read the card:

"That's right, I killed blank. How, you ask? Blank."

The other girls erupted into giggles. "Oh my gosh!" Rainbow cried. "Awesome!"

"Oh my goodness...this is going to be an...odd answer round," Rarity said.

"Oh, and, um...I'm going to do that Queen's rule thing Pinkie did," Fluttershy said timidly. "If...if that's okay. I...I'm really not comfortable with reading the answers to this one, so...so I want everybody to read their own answers. Umm...if that's alright."

"Sure, that's fine with me," Sunset said.

"Yeah, I'm cool with that," Rainbow said absently as she looked over her cards.

"Oh, and..." Fluttershy ducked her face behind her hair. "I...I want you to read your answers in your best gangster voice."

Rarity raised an eyebrow. "Well well. That is a novel stipulation."

"Heh, this'll be fun," Applejack chuckled.

When the girls had their card pairs picked, Fluttershy nodded to Sunset. "Sunset Shimmer, if you'd start please?"

"WAIIIIIIT!" Pinkie cried. She jumped up and ran to her closet. A minute later, she came back to the table with six fedoras. "Here! Put these on!"

"Why in tarnation do you have so many fedoras?" Applejack asked as she traded her Stetson for a fedora.

"Duh! For gangster emergencies!" Pinkie said, rolling her eyes.

Once every girl had on a fedora, Sunset Shimmer picked up her cards, smirking. In her best Chicagoat gangster voice, she said, "That's right, I killed your weird brother. How, you ask? Extremely tight pants."

Everyone laughed.

"Alright, my turn," Rarity said. She coughed, then said, in a thick, raspy voice, "That's right, I killed altar boys. How, you ask? Chainsaws for hands."

"Oooh, scary!" Pinkie giggled.

"Chainsaw hands would be awesome," Rainbow said. "Okay, my turn." With a smirk, she said, "That's right, I killed Grandma. How, you ask? A mopey zoo lion."

"That...was kinda lame," Pinkie said.

"Oh yeah?" Rainbow shot back. "Think you can do better?"

"You bet!" Pinkie said. She tightened her face into a smug, superior smirk. In a raspy voice that sounded like garlic being dragged across a cheese grater, she hissed, "That's right, I killed bitches. How, you ask? Flesh-eating bacteria."

Sunset laughed. "Pinkie should get this one just for that horrible voice!"

"Oh my...did you hurt yourself doing that?" Fluttershy asked.

Pinkie shrugged. "Eh. It's a thing I do." She looked at Applejack. "You're up last!"

Applejack's brow furrowed. She coughed. "Uhh...that's right, Ah killed th' milk man. How, you ask? A matin' display."

"I...just don't even know where to start," Rainbow said.

Sunset shook her head. "So, Fluttershy? Who gets it?"

"Rarity," Fluttershy said. "I'm sorry, but...I just...really liked hers." She handed Rarity the black card.

"Okay, last card of th' round," Applejack said as she drew two white cards, then a black card. Once everyone had replenished their hands, she turned over the card, looked at it, and turned beet red. "Uhh...heh...well...dang."

"What's it say?" Rainbow asked.

"Yeah, spit it out!" Pinkie said.

Applejack scratched her head. "Uhh...well...shoot. 'Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with blank instead.' Hoo boy."

"Meep," Fluttershy said.

"Oh, this'll be interesting," Sunset said, smirking as she rifled through her cards.

Rainbow coughed. "Yeah. We'll...learn way too much about each other from this one."

One by one, the girls handed Applejack their cards. She shuffled them, then coughed, tugging at the collar of her pajamas. "Right. Well...let's uhh...let's start. Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with blank instead." She picked up a card. "Try surprising him with a pyramid of severed heads instead."

"Wow, that'll kill the mood," Pinkie said.

"Or, uhh..." Applejack picked up another card. "A balanced breakfast."

"What, balanced on his dick?" Sunset asked. Fluttershy let out a giggle.

"Or surprise him with..." Applejack picked up another card. "Fartin' an' walkin' away."

"Meh," Pinkie and Rainbow said.

"Or you could surprise him with, uh..." Applejack picked up the next-to-last card of the round. "A bucket of fish heads?"

"Gross!" Rainbow said, making a face.

"An' uh...last thing Ah reckon you could surprise him with is, uh..." Applejack picked up the last card. "A can o' whoop-ass?"

Rainbow broke out laughing. "Yeah! Awesome!"

Sunset snickered. "I like it."

Applejack chuckled. "It's a mighty good'n alright." She shook her head. "But Ah like th' balanced breakfast one, mostly 'cuz o' what Sunset said about...about balancin' it on his pecker."

"Dick. I said dick."

Rainbow snickered. "And here I thought that was the lamest thing I coulda put down this round," she said. Applejack flicked the black card over to her.

There was a knock on the door. It opened, and Maud stepped in, holding two big boxes. "I brought you girls some donuts," she said in a flat voice.

"Thanks, Maud!" Pinkie cheered, jumping up and taking the boxes from her sister. "Hey, you wanna join us?"

"That's alright," Maud said. "I have to give Boulder his bath and put him to bed. Goodnight, girls. Have fun." She left, closing the door behind her.

"Let's break for donuts, then pick back up with Sunset," Pinkie said.

Author's Note

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 3
Rarity: 2
Rainbow Dash: 4
Pinkie Pie: 3
Fluttershy: 7
Applejack: 5

Round Five!

An empty donut box sat haphazardly on the corner of Pinkie's bed, spilling stray crumbs onto the floor. The girls' hands and faces were sticky with icing, glaze, and sprinkles. "Those...are some good donuts," Rainbow said.

Fluttershy passed around a packet of wet wipes. The girls freshened themselves up. "Okay, enough of that, let's get back to the game," Pinkie said. "Ready, Shimmy?"

Sunset groaned. "Will you stop calling me that? Sheesh." She drew a black card. "What's the new fad diet?"

Pinkie snickered. "Heheh, fad diets. They're so silly!"

"I dunno, some of us could use a fad diet after all those donuts," Rainbow said as she looked through her cards.

"Oh no," Fluttershy said, "none of mine are good for this one at all." With a sigh, she halfheartedly tossed a card onto the table. The others followed suit.

Sunset scooped up the cards, then looked through them. "Okay. Our first new fad diet is...being fat and stupid! Wait, what?"

Applejack shrugged. "Hey, it IS a fad."

Sunset shook her head. "The next one is...the miracle of childbirth?"

"That's one way to lose a lot of weight in an awful hurry," Applejack said.

"The next fad diet is..." Sunset grimaced. "Coat hanger abortions? That's just sick."

"Yeah, that's...that's not cool," Rainbow said.

Sunset sighed. "Our next one...oh, come on!" she groaned. "Seppuku? Really?"

"Wow, this is a really disturbing trend," Fluttershy said softly, hands covering her mouth.

"I'm almost afraid to look at this next one," Sunset muttered. "The last new fad diet is...the heart of a child? What the fuck?"

"I told you none of my cards fit this question," Fluttershy said.

Sunset sighed. "Fat and stupid wins this one. It's the least completely bullshit answer out there."

Applejack chuckled. "Serves y'all right for tryin' to be somethin' yer not," she said, sweeping up the black card and adding it to her pile.

Sunset sighed. "Just...Rarity, just...go already."

Once everyone had new white cards, Rarity drew a black card. "Oh dear," she said. "This card...it says draw two, pick three."

"Another lame haiku?" Rainbow groaned.

"No, it...it says blank plus blank equals blank."

"Huh. I didn't know there was a card like that," Sunset said. "Well, you heard her, everybody." She drew two more white cards.

"Blank plus blank equals blank? That's the question?" Rainbow asked.

"That's right."

The girls each drew two cards, then sorted through their hands, frowning. Once each girl had selected three cards, Rarity coughed delicately. "Very well, darlings. Lay your cards down. I'll read them in Queen order." She picked up Sunset Shimmer's three cards. She gave them a nauseated look before sourly reading them. "Anal beads plus penis breath equals wifely duties." She gave Sunset a level glare. "Really, darling."

Sunset shrugged. "Hey, those are the only three cards I have that work together in any way, shape, or form."

"Riiiiiight," Rarity drawled, shaking her head. Setting those aside, she picked up Rainbow's cards. "Spectacular abs plus man meat equals an honest cop with nothing left to lose?" She peered at Rainbow.

Rainbow shrugged. "Hell, I don't know! My cards suck for this!"

Rarity sighed. "Alright...let's see if Pinkie came up with something that makes any kind of sense." She looked at Pinkie's cards, blinked, and turned faintly green. "Oh...Pinkie...have you considered seeking professional help?"

"What's it say?" Rainbow asked eagerly.

"I'm...not even sure I want to read these," Rarity said. She looked positively nauseated. "But..." Clearing her throat, she read: "Dick fingers plus not wearing pants equals pixellated bukkake."

Sunset's cheeks bulged out, and she reached for Pinkie's wastepaper basket.

"...wow," Rainbow said, eyes wide. "That's. Uh. That's...really...creative?"

"MovingrightalongtoFluttershy'scards," Rarity said in a breathless rush. "A middle-aged man on roller skates plus a drive-by shooting equals drinking alone." She blinked. "That's...positively morbid."

"I think we all really hate this question," Fluttershy said.

Rarity sighed. "Let's...just get this over with," she said, picking up Applejack's cards. "A brain tumor plus...crippling debt...equals...child beauty pageants." She gave Applejack a half-lidded stare.

"Whut?" Applejack said plaintively. "You act like y'all ain't never heard of th' South before."

Rarity groaned, throwing Applejack's cards into the air. "Screw it. Applejack wins this round simply because, I am very sorry to say, hers actually made sense. In some sick, warped way. And because the rest of those answers needed to be drawn and quartered." She sighed. "Rainbow Dash, it's your turn."

After everyone drew new white cards, Rainbow picked up a black card. She read it and chuckled. "Okay, this one will actually be fun. Why am I sticky?"

The others laughed and looked through their cards, quickly choosing and playing cards. Rainbow swept up the small pile, shuffled it, and placed it in front of her. "I'm sticky because of...pause for dramatic effect...!" She picked up the first card, snorted, and read, "A zesty breakfast burrito."

Sunset and Rarity snickered.

"I'm also sticky because of...masturbation!" Rainbow sighed. "Yep, that had to happen. Let's see...why else am I sticky?" She picked up a third card. "Used panties. Ewww." Shaking her head, she took the fourth card. "Oh look, I'm also sticky from giving birth to a demon." She picked up the last card. "And the last reason I'm sticky iiiiiiiiiis..." She chuckled and held the card up with a flourish. "THE PLACENTA!" She shook her head. "Well, as much fun as those were, I'm gonna give the awesome point to that breakfast burrito."

"Yay!" Pinkie said, snatching the black card from Rainbow Dash. "I get a point and I'm Queen!" She grabbed the next black card from the deck. "Ready?"

"Yeah, we're ready."

"Okay...what's my secret power?"

The others laughed and chose cards to play. It took well over a minute before the final card lay before Pinkie, who shuffled them. "Alright! My secret power iiiiiiiiis...!" She flourished the first white card. "SEXUAL PEEING!" She blinked. "Wait, what?"

"Ewww!" Rainbow said, laughing and gagging at the same time.

Pinkie pulled the second card. "Menstrual rage?"

Sunset doubled over laughing, wiping tears from her eyes.

Pinkie tried a third card. "Sexting?!"

Applejack began howling with laughter and slapping her knee.

Pinkie's cheeks puffed up, her face red as a tomato. "Three dicks at the same time?!" she cried, staring at the fourth card.

Rarity and Fluttershy lost it. All of Pinkie's friends were rolling around on the floor laughing.

"Oh...oh man..." Rainbow howled. "And...and you haven't even read the best one yet!"

Pinkie looked at the last card with a half-lidded stare, groaned, and said in as flat a voice as she had ever used, "Uncontrollably guzzling cum."

That did it. Peals of raucous laughter ripped from every girl in the room. Including Pinkie.

"Oh my god!" Rainbow howled. "What's your superhero secret identity, The Pink Taco?"

Pinkie doubled over, whooping. "That's just so nasty, Rainbow!" She flicked cards all over the room. "Okay, okay...those were all pretty funny even if they were pretty mean. I think three dicks gets it because that's something I'd probably actually do." She stopped, then turned even redder. "Oh, that so did not come out right."

"Oh, they'd come out right, left, and pretty much everywhere ELSE!" Rainbow howled.

Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Who had three dicks?"

"I did, darling," Rarity said.

"You'd never know it to look at her though!" Rainbow said, throwing back her head and laughing like a hyena.

Rarity groaned. "Somebody please slap her for me. I don't think I can move right now."

"Not after all that dick!" Sunset joined in on the fun.

It was several minutes before the girls calmed down enough to sit back at the table and draw new cards. "Is it my turn again?" Fluttershy asked.

"Yepperooni!" Pinkie chirped.

"Oh...alright." Fluttershy drew a black card. "It's a fill-in-the-blank one," she said. "'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you blank.'"

"Oooh, this one is awesome," Rainbow said, studying her cards intently. The girls spent almost a full minute each before playing a card.

Fluttershy collected and shuffled the cards, then began reading them. "'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you children on leashes.'"

"Sounds pretty villainy to me!" Pinkie said.

"'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you a fetus.'"

"I'm sensing a theme here," Rainbow said.

"'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you my collection of high-tech sex toys.'"

"Kinky," Rarity purred.

"'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you an erection that lasts more than four hours.'"

"Ewww!" Rainbow cried, laughing.

"'But before I kill you, Ms. Do, I must show you puppies!'"

Everyone giggled at that one.

Fluttershy smiled. "Well, I like the puppies one," she said. "But the sex toys one...that's honestly the funniest one."

"Woo!" Rainbow cried. "See? I know what Daring wants to see!"

"Figures," Sunset snorted. Fluttershy tossed Rainbow the black card.

"Alright, mah turn," Applejack said, picking up a black card. Once everyone was ready, she read it aloud. "Whut will Ah bring back in time to convince people Ah'm a powerful wizard?"

The girls sorted through their white cards, taking their time to play the final card of the round. Once the cards were down, Applejack collected and shuffled them. "Alright, let's see what y'all got." She turned up one white card and raised an eyebrow. "Porn stars."

"That'll convince 'em you're a powerful something alright," Rainbow said.

Applejack turned over the next card and chuckled. "Cards Against Humanity." She smirked. "Heaven help us all if this game got loose in th' past." She shook her head and drew another card. "A tribe of warrior women."

"Wouldn't warrior women be kind of a past-ish thing in the first place?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head.

"Ah reckon so," Applejack said. "Let's see, what else..." She blinked. "A mime havin' a stroke?"

"Oh, that poor mime," Fluttershy said.

"An' last but not least, if Ah wanted people in th' past t' think Ah was a powerful wizard, Ah'd bring....ghosts."

"That makes total sense!" Rainbow cried.

"Ah think Ah gotta go with porn stars. Who had th' porn stars?"

Fluttershy raised her hand, blushing.

"Hurricane Fluttershy strikes AGAIN!" Rainbow cried. "This is insane!"

Sunset Shimmer chuckled. "Okay, that takes us to the halfway point of the game. With five rounds to go, Fluttershy's in first place by one point."

"Yaaaay."

"Also, I'm pretty sure we're all going to hell." Sunset stretched. "Let's take a little break, then start the second half."

"Oooh, if it's halftime, I've got cheerleader outfits!" Pinkie said.

Author's Note

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 3
Rarity: 3
Rainbow Dash: 5
Pinkie Pie: 4
Fluttershy: 8
Applejack: 7

Round Six!

After a twenty minute break, the girls gathered around the table once again, ready for another uphill battle against the perversions of Cards Against Humanity.

"Okay, let's see..." Sunset picked up a black card. "Okay, this is a good card to start the second half on!" Deepening her voice, she sang the question on the card:

"WAR! Uhn! Good god, y'all! What is it good for?"

The other girls giggled as they looked through their white cards.

"By the way, you each have to sing your answer," Sunset said. "And we're going in Queen order."

"Whuh-oh," Applejack said. "Already off to a wild start."

Once each girl had selected her card, Sunset said, "Alright. We know the lyric, we know the song's melody. So I'll sing the question, then Rarity will sing her answer, then she'll sing the question, and Rainbow will sing her answer...and so forth until we're done. Okay?"

"Got it!" the rest of the girls chorused, laughing.

"This should be fun!" Pinkie giggled.

"Okay, ready?" Sunset took a deep breath. "WAR! Uhn! Good god, y'all! What is it good for?"

"A clandestine butt-scratch!" Rarity sang. "Say it, say it, yeah! WAR! Good god, y'all! What is it good for?"

"Actually taking candy from a BABY!" Rainbow sang. "WHOOOOA! WAR! Uhn! What is it good for?"

"NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS!" Pinkie sang loud and clear. "Say it, say it, say it! WAR! UHN! GOOD GOD, Y'ALL! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?"

"Friiiiendly fire," Fluttershy sang shakily. "War! What is it good for?"

"Raa~aaptor attacks now! Yeah! WHOOOOOOOOA!" Applejack finished.

The six girls all fell over laughing.

"That was awesome," Rainbow said, grinning.

"Yeah, that was a lotta fun," Applejack said. "So who won?"

"Rarity," Sunset said with a chuckle. "For actually singing about scratching her butt with so much soul." She flicked the black card at Rarity. "Point and Queen."

"Lovely!" Rarity said primly, rearranging her cards and drawing a black card. "Alright. Ahem. 'Blank. Betcha can't have just one!'"

The others pored over their cards. "Dammit," Rainbow muttered. "No good cards for this one."

When all the cards were in, Rarity swept them up. "Alright. Betcha can't have just one...shiny objects!"

"Oooh, I love shiny objects!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"And you also can't have just one..." Rarity blinked. "Clitoris?!"

"Oh my god," Rainbow said, cracking up. "I sure hope you just have one!"

"And I betcha can't have just one..." Rarity's nose wrinkled. "Smegma. Well. That's a lovely thought."

"Umm...what is smegma?" Fluttershy asked. "Um, that's not my card, but...I have no idea what that is."

"It's the funky crud that builds up in between a guy's foreskin and the head of his penis," Pinkie said.

"Oh. Ew."

Rainbow's jaw dropped. "THAT'S what that card is? Oh my god! Unplay! Unplay!"

"Too late for that, darling," Rarity said with a catty smirk. She picked up another card. "And you can't have just one...gentle caress of the inner thigh?" She raised an eyebrow. "Well...I wouldn't know, but...it certainly sounds like something I'd want more than one of. And lastly...a good sniff."

"So who gets that one?" Rainbow asked.

"I think the inner thigh gets that one," Rarity said. "Mostly because that sounds quite sexy and delightful. Who had that?"

Sunset raised a hand. "Me. And it is."

Rarity tossed Sunset the black card, and Rainbow drew one from the pile, along with a white card. Once everyone was ready, Rainbow turned over her black card, read it, and broke into a wide grin. "Awww yeah!" she crowed.

"What? What is it?" Fluttershy asked.

"Okay everyone! Complete the title. The next book by A. K. Yearling is Daring Do and the Chamber of Blank."

A round of chuckles circled the table. The girls spent a moment examining their cards, then passed one each to Rainbow, who swept them up eagerly, a broad grin like a little kid on Christmas morning lighting up her face.

"Okay!" Rainbow picked up one white card. "Daring Do and the Chamber of...Obesity?" She made a face. "Come on, keep it awesome, okay? It's Daring Do!" She drew another white card from the pile. "Daring Do and the Chamber of Necrophilia? Ewww!" She tossed the card down in disgust.

The girls giggled.

"Okay, third time's the charm," Rainbow said. "Daring Do and the Chamber of Leprosy... OH COME ON!" Groaning in frustration, she dropped that card and grabbed the fourth. "Daring Do and the Chamber of Half-Assed Foreplay? How does that even..." She sighed and picked up the fifth card, reading it halfheartedly. "Daring Do and the Chamber of Edible Underpants." She rolled her eyes. "Oooh-kay. Fine. Just go and piss all over my idol." With a sigh, she said, Who had edible underpants?"

"That'd be me," Applejack said.

Rainbow flicked the black card at her. "Take it."

Pinkie Pie drew a black card from the deck. "Here I go again!" she said in a sing-song tone. "A romantic candle-lit dinner would be incomplete without blank."

It took less time than usual for the others to play their cards. Pinkie shuffled them and picked up the top one. "A romantic candle-lit dinner would be incomplete without consensual sex." She smirked. "Well well well. Someone in this room is a loosey-goosey!"

There was some snickering. Pinkie picked up the next card. "A romantic candle-lit dinner would be incomplete without waterboarding." Her eyes widened. "Oh my god, that is so WRONG!"

Sunset laughed. "Now THAT is extreme S&M!"

"A romantic candle-lit dinner would be incomplete without peeing a little bit. Eww!"

"Hey, where I come from, that's how you show you're interested!" Sunset said, laughing.

"Gross!" Rainbow said.

"A romantic candle-lit dinner would be incomplete without leaving an awkward voicemail." Pinkie blinked. "Oh-kaaay..." She shook her head and picked up the last card. "A romantic candle-lit dinner would be incomplete without civilian casualties."

Everyone laughed. "That's terrible!" Sunset cried.

"Gracious me," Rarity said, fanning herself.

Pinkie giggled. "Okay okay...Shimmy, did you have the peeing one?"

"Yeah."

"Okay...I'm giving you this one just because that's a total what the fuck."

"Yay," Sunset said quietly, clapping sarcastically as she added the black card to her pile.

Fluttershy took another black card as the others drew back white cards. "Okay, um...I've got another pick two," she said. "Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It's blank and blank!"

Pinkie laughed. "Oh, this is gonna be FUN!" She frowned. "Or it would be if I didn't have such shitty cards..."

It took the girls a while to play their cards. Once they did, Fluttershy read them in Queen order. "Okay...first off: Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It's Catapults and Bees!"

Rainbow stared at Sunset. "Really?"

"Best I could do." Sunset shrugged.

"Next, from Rarity: Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It's Loose Lips and Science!"

"That's just sad," Rainbow said.

"Hush, you."

Fluttershy gave Rainbow a flat glare as she looked at her cards. "Like yours are any better," she said. "Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It's Yeast and Mouth Herpes!"

Everybody laughed at Rainbow, who wilted and sunk lower to the floor. "Okay okay, sheesh..."

"Oooh, do me! Do me!" Pinkie said. "I suddenly have a good feeling about my answer!"

Fluttershy picked up Pinkie's cards. "Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It's Lockjaw and Chutzpah!" She blinked. "Oh my. That actually...fits."

"Whoa, not bad, Pinks," Rainbow said.

"And lastly, Applejack has..." Fluttershy looked at Applejack's cards. "Mathletes and the profoundly handicapped."

Sunset burst out laughing. Rarity began to titter.

Rainbow snickered. Pinkie giggled.

Even Fluttershy snickered. "Oh, that's...that's so terrible...but..." Her cheeks twitched. "Umm...I think...I think Applejack takes this one." She gave Applejack the black card. "And, umm...you're next Queen..."

Once the girls had a full set of white cards again, Applejack picked up the next black card. "Let's see...oh. Hoo boy." Gulping, she said, "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children blank."

"Oh my," Fluttershy said, stifling a giggle. The girls snickered as they looked through their cards.

"We are...so going to hell for this one," Sunset said as she played a card.

"Yep," Pinkie agreed, putting her card next to Sunset's.

Once the girls finished playing, Applejack picked up the cards and shuffled them. "Okay, here we go," she said. "Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children..." She read the first card. "Self-loathing. Well, that's cheerful."

"That's just sad," Fluttershy said.

"Next, he gives the bad children...hormone injections."

"So they won't just be bad, they'll be BIG and bad! Awesome!" Rainbow said.

"Okay, let's see what else he gives them..." Applejack looked at the next card. Her eyebrow raised. Her lip quivered. "Oh. Oh my."

"What is it?" Rainbow asked.

"He gives 'em...GOLDEN SHOWERS!" Applejack roared, throwing back her head and laughing.

Pinkie, Rainbow, and Sunset fell out, howling hysterically.

Applejack tried to get control of herself. "Okay, come on now, y'all, we got two more to go," she said. "Santa gives the bad kids...whippin' it out?" She made a face. "Now that just ain't right."

"Oh, but golden showers are?" Sunset asked.

Applejack snorted. "Last one is...testicular torsion." She grimaced. "Ouch. Big Mac had that once. He couldn't walk right for a month."

"TMI, AJ," Rainbow said.

Applejack shook her head. "Okay...golden showers definitely won that one. Whose was that?"

Still giggling, Pinkie raised her hand. "It's me, P. P.!"

Sunset and Rainbow collapsed, wheezing with laughter. Rarity started giggling, covering her mouth with her hand to smother it.

"Okay, that one's yours," Applejack said, flicking the card at Pinkie. "Let's...uhh...let's take a few t' pull ourselves together."

Author's Note

(According to the site's guidelines on lyrics, you can include one or two lines from a song's lyrics without violating the copyrighted lyrics rules. Since this chapter only uses one line of "War" over and over again, it shouldn't violate the lyrics rules.)

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 5
Rarity: 4
Rainbow Dash: 5
Pinkie Pie: 5
Fluttershy: 8
Applejack: 9

Round Seven!

Once the girls recovered, Sunset took another black card from the deck. "Okay, let's start round seven," she said. "Oh, and we've got a pick two. 'Blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank.' Gimme something good, ladies!"

The girls flipped through their cards, humming thoughtfully. "Oooh, yay, I can finally get rid of a couple of really dumb cards I've been stuck with all night!" Pinkie said.

"Me too," Rainbow grinned.

Once the girls had each chosen two cards, Sunset said, "Okay. Since it's a pick two, we're going in Queen order, so Rarity, let's start with you. Blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank."

Rarity nodded, picking up her cards. "My relationship status is a slippery slope that leads to passive-aggressive post-it notes."

The others stared at her. "Wow. That...was pretty pathetic," Rainbow said.

Rarity glared at her, tossing her hair. "Alright, let's hear yours," she said.

"Love to!" Rainbow said. "Picking up girls at the abortion clinic is a slippery slope that leads to expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor."

"That...was actually worse than Rarity's," Sunset said, her face green. "In a really gross, weird, creepy way."

"Eww, Dashie, just...eww," Pinkie said. Then she looked down at her own cards and winced. "Then again...I'm in no position to judge."

"Oh yeah? What's yours say?" Rainbow asked.

Pinkie blushed. "Umm..." She ducked her head. "Being a dick to children is a slippery slope that leads to jerking off into a pool of children's tears."

Rarity let out a dramatic gasp. Fluttershy let out a startled gasp. Sunset made a repulsed noise.

"What the fuck, Pinkie?" Rainbow asked. "What the actual fuck?"

"Hey! I've been stuck with these two really bullshit cards for like the last hour!" Pinkie cried. "This was my one chance to get these things out of my hand!"

"Well...it kinda does fit th' blanks durn good," Applejack said, scratching her head.

Pinkie blew on her curly forelock in frustration. "Just...let Fluttershy go," she said.

Fluttershy blushed furiously. "Umm...fingering is a slippery slope that leads to mutually-assured destruction," she said meekly.

"Well great, we're all doomed," Sunset quipped. "Applejack?"

Chuckling, Applejack picked up her cards. "Tweetin' is a slippery slope that leads to public ridicule."

"Now see, that actually made sense," Sunset said, flinging a hand in Applejack's direction.

"Thank ya kindly," Applejack said with a smug grin.

"Which is why Rainbow gets this one," Sunset said. "Hers was just batshit insane and I love it." She flicked the black card to Rainbow, who grinned and did a victory dance.

"Alright, my turn," Rarity said as everyone drew two new white cards. She picked up a black card, glanced at it, grinned, and read it aloud in a purring, succulent voice: "Blank. That's how I want to die."

"Oh snap," Rainbow said, snickering as she looked over her cards.

"This should be fun," Sunset said.

Once they'd all played their cards, Rarity shuffled them. "Alright then..." She affected that same luscious, come-hither voice. "Dwarf tossing. That's how I want to die."

Rainbow snickered. "Oh, that's even funnier the way you read it!"

Rarity smiled, then read the next one. "Giving 110%. That's how I want to die."

"That don't even make no sense," Applejack said.

"Same-sex ice dancing," Rarity said. "That's how I want to die."

Pinkie giggled. "That's good!"

"Wiping her butt. That's how I want to die." Rarity was having trouble keeping up the sexy voice; her composure was cracking.

"Wiping whose butt?" Sunset wondered.

"Eating all of the cookies before the bake sale," Rarity said, no longer able to do the sexy voice because she was snickering too hard. "That's how I want to die."

"Woo-hoo!" Pinkie cheered. "Sign me up for that one!"

Rarity smirked. "I'm going to have to give the cookies this point," she said. "Dying wiping someone's rear end is just too undignified."

"Cookies was me," Applejack said, grinning.

"Wow, AJ's really overtaking the scoring!" Sunset said.

"Okay, my turn," Rainbow said, drawing a black card. "Oh hey! I got a pick two!"

Applejack groaned. "Not another one!"

Rainbow stuck out her tongue. "Get ready, girls!" Holding her card up awesomely, she read it as radically as possible: "For my next trick, I will pull blank out of blank."

"Trixie out of my ass!" Pinkie exclaimed, giggling as she sorted her cards. The others laughed.

"Just for that..." Rainbow said with a grin. "Queen rule! You have to read these yourselves...doing your best Trixie impression!"

"Oooh! Oooh!" Pinkie jumped up and ran to her closet...then came back with six pointy purple hats.

Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess...Trixie emergencies?"

"Yep," Pinkie said, plopping a hat on each girl's head.

Sunset rolled her eyes and picked her cards. Once the others had followed suit, Rainbow pointed to Sunset. "Start us off!"

Sunset sighed. "Do I really have to do Trixie?" she asked.

"You don't have to do her, but you do have to talk like her," Rainbow said. Pinkie and Applejack snickered.

Sunset groaned. "Fine," she said. "For her next trick, Sunset SHIMMER! will pull customer service representatives out of tangled Slinkies!"

Rainbow laughed, clapping. "Awesome! Your turn, Rarity!"

Rarity grimaced. "For her next trick, The Great And Powerful Rarity will pull nipple blades out of the terrorists."

"OUCH!" Sunset said.

"Whoa," Rainbow said, staring at Rarity.

Rarity pouted. "It's what I had," she whined.

Rainbow shrugged. "Pinkie? You're up."

Pinkie sighed. "Yeah, mine's gonna suck, but whatevs. For her next trick, The Pink And Pink Pinkie will pull uppercuts out of a moment of silence."

"Yeah that was lame," Rainbow said. "Fluttershy, don't lame it up any worse than that. PLEASE."

Fluttershy blushed. "O-okay...umm...for her n-next trick, the Meek and Unimpressive Fluttershy will...will pull embryonic stem cells out of hot people." She ducked her head.

"That one...actually didn't totally suck," Rainbow said.

"Woohoo! Go MAUF!" Pinkie cheered, clapping.

"Okay, Applejack, you're up. Wow me."

Applejack rolled her eyes. "For her next trick, the Strong and Honest Applejack will pull Trenderfoot's missing testicle out of a monkey smoking a cigar." She took a bow.

Stunned silence fell.

The room exploded in wild laughter.

"Another win for Applejack!" Rainbow cried. "Damn, girl, you rock this game!"

The girls drew more white cards. "Okay, my turn again," Pinkie said.

"Oh lord," Applejack muttered as Pinkie drew a black card.

Pinkie frowned at her card. "Oh, this is gonna be a bummer," she said. "I drink to forget blank."

In record time, five cards were in front of Pinkie. She blinked, then shuffled them. "Okay...I drink to forget...the violation of our most basic human rights?"

"Yep, this one's gonna suck," Rainbow groaned.

"I drink to forget scrubbing under the folds," Pinkie said, making a face. "Blegh." She picked up the next card. "I drink to forget alcoholism."

"Whoa. Deep."

"I drink to forget a windmill full of corpses." Pinkie shook her head. "I drink to forget...world peace?"

"Yeah, this is a bad round," Sunset muttered.

"I'll go with the windmill one just because what," Pinkie said, tossing the white cards down listlessly. "Who forgot the windmill?"

"I forgot the windmill," Rarity said.

"Here, drink an awesome point," Pinkie said, sliding the card to Rarity. "Fluttershy, give us something funny."

Fluttershy picked up a black card. "I'm sorry, Professor, I couldn't complete my homework because of blank."

"Well this has to be fun," Rainbow said.

When the cards landed in front of her, Fluttershy shuffled them, then began reading them off. "I couldn't complete my homework because of...menstruation."

Rainbow, Pinkie, and Sunset spluttered. Applejack snorted.

Fluttershy gave a little giggle, then said, "Because of...object permanence."

Flat silence.

"Because of...dungeon porn."

Rainbow fell over laughing. Pinkie giggled.

"What." Sunset said, snorting.

"Because of...waiting until marriage." She giggled.

Pinkie snickered. "That has to be Dashie."

"And lastly, because of...crumbs all over the goddamn carpet." She shook her head. "Dungeon porn wins."

"Aww, shucks," Applejack said, grinning.

"Dammit, AJ!" Rainbow howled.

Applejack took the black card, added it to her mountain, then drew the final question of the round. "Okay y'all, get ready." Once the girls had their cards, she read: "What's that sound?"

Rainbow snickered as she immediately dropped a card. The others followed suit.

"Okay, let's see," Applejack said. "That sound is...passing a kidney stone. Ugh! That's just plumb disgustin'."

"Ewww," Rainbow said, laughing.

"That sound is...the invisible hand," Applejack read in a spooky voice, waving her hands around.

"Oh no! The invisible hand is going right up my coochie! AAAAAHHHH!" Pinkie screamed. She flopped over on her back, laughing her ass off.

"Uhhh...yeah...anyhoo," Applejack said. "Ahem. What's that sound? That thing that electrocutes your abs."

Sunset snorted.

"What's that sound? It's...jibber-jabber!" Applejack chuckled. "And one more...that sound is...cockfights!"

"Heheheheh, cock," Rainbow snickered.

"Ah think 'the invisible hand' gets that one," Applejack said. "Just because it's so off th' wall."

"Yaaay," Fluttershy said, clapping and taking the point.

"Alright, ready for the next round?" Sunset asked. "We've got...three more to go."

"Bring it!" Rainbow howled.

"Okay...here we go...!"

Author's Note

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 5
Rarity: 5
Rainbow Dash: 6
Pinkie Pie: 5
Fluttershy: 9
Applejack: 12

Round Eight!

"I got 99 problems but blank ain't one," Sunset said.

The girls looked through their hands, frowning, smirking, or scratching their heads. When they played their cards, Sunset picked them up, shuffled them, and drew off the top white card from the small pile.

"I got 99 problems but a micropenis ain't one," she said, snickering.

"Well that's a relief," Pinkie said. "If any of you had snuck a penis in here without telling me...!"

Sunset shook her head. "I got 99 problems but too much hair gel ain't one," she said.

The girls looked around at one another. "So uhh...pretty sure we know whose that is," Rainbow said.

"I got 99 problems but sharing needles ain't one," Sunset said. "That's good to know."

"Yeah, seriously," Rainbow said.

"I got 99 problems but daddy issues ain't one."

There was some uncomfortable shifting from that one.

Sunset coughed. "I got 99 problems but some goddamn peace and quiet ain't one." She snickered. "That's a good one."

"I like that one," Fluttershy said.

"Yeah, that one wins," Sunset agreed.

"Oh good, another point for me!" Rarity sang. "And I'm next, of course!" She collected her point card, then drew a black card for the next question, waiting for everyone to finish drawing white cards. As soon as she looked at the card, she let out a melodramatic shriek. "OH, WHY ME?" she wailed. "OF ALL THE CARDS, WHY MUST I HAVE CHOSEN THAT ONE?"

"Whuh-oh," Applejack said with a grin.

"This should be good," Sunset said with a sinister chuckle.

Rainbow snatched up the card, read it, then burst out laughing. "OH YEAH!" she shouted. "This. Is so. AWESOME!"

"NO! IT! IS! NOT!" Rarity wailed.

"Ah, quit yer bitchin' an' read th' damn thing," Applejack said.

"No. I refuse," Rarity sniffed prissily.

Pinkie picked up a half-empty can of grape soda and waved it at Rarity. "Wonder what I can do with this," she said.

Rarity's eyes widened. "You wouldn't!"

Pinkie grinned fiendishly.

"You would," Rarity said miserably. With a sigh, she picked up the card. "Oh, very well. Ahem." Her face turned very red. "How did...how did I l...lose my v...v...virginity?"

Dead silence.

The rest of the girls EXPLODED.

"Oh. My. GOSH!" Pinkie cried.

"Oh my goodness," Fluttershy said, giggling.

"Oh, this is gonna be epic," Sunset said, smirking.

The girls took a full minute picking just the right cards to inflict upon Rarity. Rarity, for her part, looked perfectly miserable as she picked up the cards as though they were poisonous vipers, delicately sifting through them. "Ahem. Yes. Well." With a shaky sigh, she pulled out one card, read it, and made a very rude noise. "I lost my virginity...teaching a robot how to love."

The girls giggled.

Rarity rolled her eyes. "How did I lose my virginity? Five...dollar...sandwiches..."

Rainbow started cracking up so hard she almost choked.

One eye twitching, Rarity continued, "How did I lose my virginity? Finger painting."

"Whoa. Started early, didn't you?" Sunset said, smirking.

"Quiet, horse girl," Rarity said. "I also apparently lost my virginity to...heartwarming orphans."

"Oh, that is SO wrong," Applejack said, grinning.

"But according to this one, I lost my virginity to a death ray," Rarity said flatly.

Rainbow howled. "A death ray! Oh my god!"

"So?" Sunset asked. "How DID you lose your virginity, Rarity?"

"I still have my virginity, thank you very much," Rarity said haughtily. "But...for the purposes of this sordid, shameful game...I suppose I lost it teaching a robot how to love."

Sunset grinned. "Gimme," she said, reaching for the black card. She added it to her own meager pile, then drew a new white card. "Your turn, Rainbow."

Rainbow drew a black card and took a look. "Meh, lame," she said. "Why can't I sleep at night?"

The girls frowned at their cards, then slowly picked cards to play, sliding them over to Rainbow. She shuffled them. "Okay, this question is boring, you all look like your cards are boring, so I'm just gonna read 'em all real fast." She fanned the cards out in front of her. "Soup that's too hot, goblins, scalping, Stirrupeans, and global warming." She shrugged. "Eh, scalping." She threw the cards carelessly onto the table. "Who had that?"

"Me," Pinkie said.

Rainbow tossed Pinkie the black card. "Point to you. Your turn."

"Well that was a dud round," Applejack said.

"Eh, there's still some really good questions in there," Sunset said.

Pinkie drew a black card. "Everybody ready? Okay...'It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with blank.'"

"Oooh, this could be fun," Rainbow said. She frowned at her cards. "Or not."

Once everyone played, Pinkie began reading the answers. "It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with...another goddamn vampire movie."

"Ugh, TELL me about it!" Sunset said, rolling her eyes.

"And that they're getting involved with...flash flooding?" Pinkie blinked. "The hell?"

"Don't look at me," Applejack said. "Not my card."

Pinkie shook her head. "It's a pity kids are getting involved with...re-gifting."

"Oh, re-gifting is just awful," Fluttershy said.

"They're also getting involved with...cybernetic enhancements?"

"That might explain Vinyl," Rainbow said. "Or Derpy."

"How would it explain Derpy?" Sunset asked.

"She breaks things with her butt all the time."

"And it's really a pity that they're getting involved with women in yogurt commercials." Pinkie giggled.

"Some good answers there," Sunset said.

"Yeah." Pinkie tilted her head. "I think I'm gonna go with the vampire movie one, though. Just because I'm so over those. So who had that?"

"I did, darling," Rarity said.

Pinkie gave Rarity her card; Fluttershy took the next black card. She waited for everyone to finish drawing white cards. "Alright, the next...oh." Her cheeks turned pink. "Oh my." She giggled.

"What's it say?" Sunset asked.

Fluttershy coughed to suppress her giggles. "Today on Cherry Zinger: 'Help! My son is blank!'"

The others laughed as they started looking for the best card. "Oh, this WILL be fun," Rarity tittered.

"Ugh, I don't have a good card for this one," Sunset muttered.

"Me either," Rainbow said.

"I have the BEST one for this," Pinkie grinned as she laid a card down.

Sunset and Rainbow were the last to play. Fluttershy shuffled the pile, then reread the question. "Today on Cherry Zinger: 'Help! My son is...'" She picked up the first white card. "Doing the right thing?"

"Boooo," Pinkie jeered, cupping her hands around her mouth.

Fluttershy flicked that card away. "'Help! My son is...'" She picked up the next one. "Winking at old people!"

A round of light laughter met that one. Fluttershy giggled, then picked up the next card. "'Help! My son is figgy pudding!'"

Pinkie cackled. Rainbow blinked. "That's just really weird," she said.

Fluttershy picked up the next card. "'Help! My son is...'" Her eyes widened. "Oh my." She started giggling.

"What is it? Read it!" Rarity said, leaning forward excitedly.

"Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry."

The girls burst out laughing. "That's perfect!" Rainbow cried. "Oh my god..."

After she recovered somewhat, Fluttershy read the last one. "Last one is 'making a pouty face'." She shook her head. "The underwear one definitely wins."

"Gimme," Pinkie said. Fluttershy handed over the black card.

"Okay AJ," Sunset said with a chuckle as she drew a white card. "See if you can top that one."

Applejack picked up a black card, read it, and snickered. "Oh yeah, this is a good one. There's a new reality show that features eight washed-up celebrities livin' with blank."

"Uh-oh," Rainbow snickered, looking through her cards. "Oh! Oh man! Oh, I've got the BEST answer for this one!" She slapped a card on the table with an overly smug expression.

"I don't," Fluttershy said miserably, laying a card on the table unenthusiastically.

"Eh, I've got a good one, but..." Pinkie shrugged and put hers down.

Rarity sighed. "I won't be winning this round," she said.

"I think I've got a good one," Sunset said. Once she and Rarity had played, Applejack scooped up the white cards and shuffled them.

"Okay," Applejack said. "There's a new reality show that featured eight washed-up celebrities livin' with..." She looked at a card. "Balls."

"Laaaaaame," Sunset said.

"Livin' with...the gays," Applejack said, snickering.

"Oh, that is SO wrong," Rainbow said, grinning.

"Livin' with...goats eatin' cans." This one was met with some light laughter. Applejack shook her head, then read the next one. "A bag of magic beans."

"WEAK!" Rainbow and Pinkie chorused. Fluttershy ducked her head, giving that away as her answer.

Applejack shook her head. "Alright. Last one is..." She blinked. "Passable tranvestites?"

Sunset and Pinkie burst out laughing. Rainbow stood and took a bow.

"Oh, well played, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity cried, chortling and clapping.

Applejack chuckled. "Okay, Rainbow gets this one." She stood up. "An' on that note, Ah gotta take a shit."

"Thanks for sharing," Sunset said dryly. As Applejack left, she looked at the score sheet. "Okay, girls...we've got two rounds left, and it's getting serious. If any of us has any hope of taking Applejack down, now's the time. If she takes a single point in the next round, she'll be unbeatable."

"Hey, the home stretch is where Rainbow Sprinting to the Finish Line Dash really shines!" Rainbow said.

"I honestly don't care who wins, as long as we all have a good time," Fluttershy said. "And...even though this game is...really embarrassing to play and very strange and wrong...I'm enjoying myself."

"Agreed, darling," Rarity said. "Still, I intend to step up my game." She smiled dangerously. "Applejack and Rainbow Dash aren't the only ones here who love a little competition..."

Author's Note

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 6
Rarity: 7
Rainbow Dash: 7
Pinkie Pie: 7
Fluttershy: 9
Applejack: 12

Round Nine!

Applejack returned. "Did you flush?" Pinkie asked.

"Eeyup."

"Did you wipe your ass?" Rainbow asked.

"Eeyup," Applejack said crossly.

"And wash your hands?" Rarity asked.

"Of course."

"With soap?" Sunset asked, grinning.

Applejack scowled. "Yes. Ah flushed, Ah wiped, Ah washed my hands, an' Ah used soap." She sat down, inspecting her cards.

As Sunset started to draw a black card, Fluttershy piped up, "You've got toilet paper stuck to your foot."

Applejack blinked and looked down at her feet.

Fluttershy smiled slyly over her cards. "Made you look."

The girls all stared at her, then exploded with howling laughter.

"Go Fluttershy!" Rainbow cackled.

"Wow, Fluttershy, I didn't even know you had it in you!" Sunset said, clutching at her chest.

"You girls are a bad influence on me," Fluttershy said lightly, stealing Pinkie's grape soda and drinking the rest of it.

Sunset shook her head. "Alright, are we ready to play?" The girls looked to her attentively. She cleared her throat and read her black card. "What's a girl's best friend?"

"HER DILDO!" Pinkie yelled enthusiastically, thrusting a fist into the air.

Rainbow laughed. Rarity rolled her eyes. Fluttershy ducked her head, inspecting her cards.

"Y'all are weird," Applejack said, shaking her head.

"Watch that actually be her answer," Sunset quipped.

"My cards are dreadful for this one," Rarity said.

Once everyone played a card, Sunset picked them up and shuffled them. "Alright," she said. "A girl's best friend is..." She looked at the first card. "Attitude."

"Well, it's true," Rarity said.

"A girl's best friend is...fear itself?"

"Only if you're Fluttershy," Rainbow said.

"A girl's best friend is...genital piercings," Sunset said.

Pinkie, who had just opened a new drink, did a spittake. "WHAT?!" she cried, choking and laughing.

"Oh man," Rainbow cried, wiping her eyes. "That's awesome!"

Sunset snickered. "A girl's best friend is me time," she said.

"Eh...that one's good, but not as good as the piercings," Rainbow said.

"And lastly, a girl's best friend is being rich," Sunset said.

"Also true, but rather boring," Rarity said.

Sunset shook her head. "Who has genital piercings?"

"Umm...I played that one. I don't actually have any, though. And you really need to work on your phrasing."

Everyone STARED at Fluttershy.

"YOU played that?!" Rainbow cried.

Fluttershy ducked her head. "Umm...yes."

Sunset shook her head in disbelief and handed Fluttershy the black card to a round of applause.

Pinkie tilted her head. "I dunno, Fluttershy...you might look good in a clit ring."

Fluttershy turned red. "I'm not living this one down, am I?"

"Not a chance," Rainbow said with a grin.

Rarity suddenly had a choking fit. "Oh. Oh my."

"What is it?" Pinkie asked. "Oh! Is the next question really juicy?"

Rarity's cheeks reddened. "Oh...no, it isn't the question," she said. "I haven't drawn one yet. I was actually looking at the answer card I just drew." She fanned herself. "Oh my." She shook her head and drew a black card. "Ladies, if I may? Ahem. 'Federal guidelines now prohibit blank on airplanes."

"Pretty much everything," Sunset said as she looked at her cards.

"Yeah, Fluttershy wouldn't even be able to take her clit ring on an airplane," Rainbow said.

"Damn body cavity searches," Applejack said as she studied her cards.

Once the girls had each laid down an answer, Rarity began reading them. "Federal guidelines now prohibit dying on airplanes."

"Well that's a relief!" Pinkie said. The others laughed.

"Federal guidelines now prohibit men on airplanes."

The girls laughed loudly. "Flying just got 50% cooler!" Rainbow said.

Rarity snickered. "Federal guidelines now prohibit pterodactyl eggs on airplanes."

"Strangely enough, I believe that," Sunset said.

"Federal guidelines now prohibit...oh my. Soiling oneself."

Rainbow snickered. "That should be a real thing."

"Federal guidelines now prohibit party poopers on airplanes."

"Party poopers AND panty poopers!" Pinkie declared brightly. This sent the entire room into a fit of furious giggles.

"I almost want to give Pinkie Pie the point just for that," Rarity said. "That was much better than any of the actual answers."

"Do it!" Rainbow cried.

"No no, we must abide by the rules of the game," Rarity said.

"Nah, Pinkie deserves somethin' for that," Applejack chuckled.

Rarity frowned. "Well...I admit, I'm having a hard time choosing between soiling oneself and dying."

"Oooh, that's a toughie," Pinkie said. "I mean, who wouldn't rather die than walk around with messy panties?" This earned her another round of howling laughter.

"Well, dying was mine," Rainbow said. "If you pick me, I'm just givin' Pinkie my point anyway."

"Soiling oneself was mine," Fluttershy said. "I'd rather Pinkie get the point." She giggled, covering her face with her cards.

Rarity shrugged. "Well...if that's the majority rule..." She flicked the card to Pinkie. "Congratulations. You won that round without actually winning it."

"What WAS your card, Pinkie?" Sunset asked.

"Pterodactyl eggs," Pinkie said as she scooped up the black card and added it to her pile.

"Okay, my turn," Rainbow said, taking a black card. "I get by with a little help from blank."

The girls took their time to pick cards, then passed them into the center, where Rainbow Dash collected and shuffled them. "Okay. I get by with a little help from roofies." She shook her head. "That had to be Pinkie."

"Oh my," Fluttershy said. "Pinkie, have you been date raping again?"

"Only when I'm really bored."

Rainbow shook her head. "I get by with a little help from natural selection."

"Well, we all do," Rarity said.

Rainbow spluttered as she looked at the next card. "What the FUCK?!" She broke out laughing.

"What is it?" Pinkie asked, grinning.

"Oh man," Rainbow said. "I think I already have the winner here."

"Read it!" Sunset said.

"Okay okay..." Snickering, Rainbow read, "I get by with a little help from a big black dick!" She broke into laughter, doubling over and clutching her stomach.

Sunset's eyes widened. Fluttershy turned very red and covered her face.

"Okay that's just...that's just...nasty," Applejack said. She grinned. "Ah don't know why Ah wanna laugh."

Rarity smirked.

"Okay okay," Rainbow said, struggling to recover. "Let's read the rest of these loser cards. I get by with a little help from being a motherfucking sorcerer."

"That...probably would've won if not for the big black dick," Sunset said, still chortling.

"And...I get by with a little help from lumberjack fantasies." The girls all laughed. Rainbow sighed, wiping tears from her eyes. "Okay, that round was awesome. Lumberjack fantasies...hehehe..." She sighed. "Any other time, that woulda won, but I gotta give this one to the big black dick. And I think we ALL know who had that one." She flicked the card to Rarity.

"ALL HAIL THE BIG BLACK DICK!" Pinkie exclaimed. The room erupted in giggles.

"Alright, alright," Sunset said as she took a white card. "Pinkie, your turn."

Pinkie took a black card from the deck. "What's the most emo?"

"Ugh, bad question," Rainbow said.

Applejack frowned at her cards. "Dammit...Ah'm goin' to hell no matter whut Ah play." She sighed. "Ah might as well get rid of th' worst thing in my hand."

Sunset sighed. "I've gotta waste a good card on this crap question?"

Once everyone had played, Pinkie looked at the first answer. "A woman scorned," she said.

"Yeeeeah, not so much," Rainbow said.

Pinkie picked up the next card. She looked at it and frowned. "Child abuse?"

Everyone stared at Applejack.

"Not. Cool," Rainbow said.

Applejack sighed and ducked her head. "Ah toldja Ah had a bad hand for this."

Pinkie sighed. "Getting drunk on mouthwash."

"That isn't even emo, that's just pathetic," Sunset said.

"A beached whale," Pinkie said.

"Don't cry, emo whale!" Rainbow said.

"And...the Amish," Pinkie said. "Wow. That...was pretty terrible. I mean, the question was bad, the answers were bad..." She sighed helplessly. "I just don't know."

"I kinda like the whale one," Sunset said.

"Yes, I think the whale is probably the best choice," Rarity agreed.

Pinkie sighed. "Yeah." She looked around. "Okay, whose whale is this?"

"My whale!" Rainbow said.

"Well roll his blubbery butt back in the ocean," Pinkie said, tossing the black card at Rainbow.

"Maybe this round will be better," Fluttershy said. She picked up a black card. "Okay...'Dear Gabby: I'm having some trouble with blank and would like your advice.'" She giggled. "This should be fun."

The girls looked through their cards, occasionally snickering or snorting. Once they played their cards, Fluttershy picked them up.

"Hey!" Pinkie said suddenly. "Make this one more fun by actually giving some advice for each answer!"

"Yeah!" Rainbow said. "That'd be awesome!"

"Oh. Well. Alright." Fluttershy brushed her hair away from her face. "Okay. Umm...first one. Dear Gabby: I'm having some trouble with nubile slave boys and would like your advice." She tilted her head. "Hmm. I'd say...if you're having trouble with them, you're either whipping them too much, or not whipping them enough. Also, sometimes the carrot works better than the stick."

Sunset snickered. Rainbow grinned. Pinkie giggled.

"Okay, next. Dear Gabby: I'm having some trouble with a passionate Latin lover and would like your advice." Fluttershy frowned. "Tell him to get in the kitchen and make you a taco."

Rainbow howled.

"Wow, Fluttershy's on a rampage," Sunset said, raising her eyebrows.

With a smile, Fluttershy picked up the next answer. "Dear Gabby: I'm having some trouble with guys who don't call and would like your advice." She frowned. "Stop being boring. Or put out more. Or put out less." She picked up another. "Dear Gabby: I'm having some trouble with a rival dojo and would like your advice." She shrugged. "Burn it down?"

"Oh my god!" Pinkie cried, giggling.

"Simple, yet effective," Sunset said.

Fluttershy picked up the last card. "Dear Gabby: I'm having some trouble with friends who eat all the snacks." She looked around the room at the empty boxes, bowls, plates, and other miscellaneous refuse the girls had generated over the course of the game. "Go to their houses and eat up all their snacks."

The girls all laughed.

"Okay, so who wins that one?" Rainbow asked.

Fluttershy frowned thoughtfully. "Probably...nubile slave boys."

Rarity squeed and reached for the card. Fluttershy handed it over.

"Okay, Applejack, you're up!" Rainbow said.

Applejack picked up a black card. She read it, raising an eyebrow. "Alright y'all, get ready...this one's a hoot. In a thousand years, when paper money is a distant memory, how will we pay for goods an' services?"

"Ooooh, I love this question!" Rarity said.

"This'll be awesome," Rainbow said, grinning.

The girls all laid down cards, which Applejack picked up. "Alright...ain't readin' that whole thing again. Here's what we'll be usin' for money in a thousand years: Hot Pockets!"

"Awww!" Pinkie said. "Dashie'll be broke all the time, because she'll keep eating all her money!"

Applejack chuckled. "Next one: A bloody pacifier!"

"Eww, gross!" Rainbow said, pulling a face.

"Clams!"

"That actually makes sense," Sunset said.

"Team-building exercises!"

"Laaaaame," Pinkie said.

"And th' last one..." Applejack stared at the card. "Coughing into a vagina," she read.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie laughed like hyenas. Fluttershy meeped and ducked her head. Rarity's eyebrows went north.

"Oh man...!" Rainbow wheezed. "That...that...that's the best..."

"Yeah, that..." Pinkie gasped for air. "I can't...!"

Applejack chuckled. "Yeah, Ah gotta say, that's a good play. Who had that?"

"I did," Sunset said. As she took the card from Applejack, she said, "Alright girls...it's time. Get ready, because this is the final round. Six more questions. Six more points. This is it."

"Good, because I don't know how much more of this I can take," Rarity said. "I think I've cracked a rib from laughing."

"I don't think I'll ever be the same again after tonight," Fluttershy said.

"Yeah, Ah think Ah'm gonna need t' wash mah brain out with gasoline," Applejack said. "Where'd you even get this game?"

"Well...Flash Sentry introduced me to it, back when we were dating," Sunset said.

"Seriously?" Rainbow said.

"Wow. Imagine if Twilight knew Flash played things like this," Pinkie said with a laugh. "Hey, I wonder if they've got a game like this in her world!"

Sunset shrugged. "I doubt it, but...maybe? I can't really see Twilight and her versions of you all playing it, though." She shrugged. "Anyway...get ready for the last round!"

Author's Note

CURRENT SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 7
Rarity: 9
Rainbow Dash: 8
Pinkie Pie: 8
Fluttershy: 10
Applejack: 12

Round Ten!

Sunset picked up a black card. "Alright, everyone's ready to start the final round?"

"Bring it on, sugarcube," Applejack smirked.

Sunset looked around the table. "Okay, since this is the final round, we're going to change things up a bit." With a wicked grin, she said, "From this point on, everyone will read their own answers. Every single card."

"Meep," Fluttershy said.

"Ooooh, upping the ante," Pinkie said. "I like it."

"Heh, this'll be good."

"Oh, very well," Rarity said, rolling her eyes.

"Okay." Sunset looked at the card. She raised an eyebrow. "Oh, this'll be good. 'When all else fails, I can always masturbate to blank.'"

Rarity spluttered. Applejack shifted uncomfortably.

"Oh my," Fluttershy said.

"Okay girls, hit me with your best shot," Sunset said. "Rarity?"

Rarity looked over her cards. "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy," she said, laying down a white card.

Pinkie giggled.

Sunset snickered. "Not bad. Rainbow?"

Rainbow studied her cards grimly. "Hmm...chicken farmers," she said. Applejack let out a laugh.

"That's pretty fowl," Fluttershy said with a sly smile.

"Pinkie?" Sunset prompted.

"A thermonuclear detonation!" Pinkie declared happily.

"Hah! That's hot," Rainbow said. The others giggled.

Sunset rolled her eyes. "Fluttershy?"

"Oh. Umm...oh...no..." Fluttershy sighed. "Agriculture," she said lamely.

"Nah, that's Applejack," Rainbow said. Applejack threw an empty can at her.

"Okay, AJ?" Sunset said.

Applejack gave Sunset a defiant grin. "Nacho breath," she said.

The other girls giggled. "That's so wrong!" Pinkie cried.

"Oh man...!" Rainbow clutched her stomach. "It...it hurts..."

Sunset groaned, chuckling. "Alright..." She shook her head. "Applejack wins that one."

Applejack collected her reward, and the girls drew from the dwindling stack of white cards. Once everyone had drawn, Rarity took the next black card off the deck. "Alright," she said. "In prison, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for blank." She looked around. "Well, Sunset would know," she said.

Sunset bounced a wadded napkin off her head, then viciously sorted through her cards.

"I thought they only used ass rape for money in prison?" Pinkie said as she looked at her cards.

"Nah, they use cigarettes to buy ass rape," Rainbow said.

"Oh." Pinkie blinked. "Wait. How do you buy rape? That doesn't make sense!"

"You don't buy th' rape, you buy th' bitch," Applejack said. "Then you rape th' bitch."

"Oh! Okay."

"This is without a doubt the weirdest conversation I've ever been a part of," Sunset muttered.

"Are we all ready?" Rarity asked. "Then, Sunset, if you'd please."

Sunset coughed. "In prison, word is you can trade two hundred cigarettes for cuddling," she said.

"Okay," Rarity said. "Rainbow Dash?"

"You can trade two hundred cigarettes for the Big Bang," Rainbow said.

Applejack snickered. "Yeah, you can get a pretty big bang in prison alright."

Rarity shook her head. "Pinkie?"

Pinkie looked around the table, an evil smirk on her face. "In prison, you can trade two hundred cigarettes for...deflowering the princess!"

"Oooooh," Applejack and Rainbow said.

"Oh, I'm so glad Twilight isn't here right now," Rarity chuckled. "Okay, Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy blushed furiously. "Shaft," she said meekly.

Rainbow, Pinkie, Sunset, and Applejack burst out laughing.

"Damn right!" Pinkie cried, banging a fist on the table.

Rarity giggled. "Okay, Applejack? Can you top that one?"

Applejack shook her head. "Nope. Ah'm just gonna dump 'police brutality' on this one."

"Okay. Fluttershy wins that." Rarity gave Fluttershy the black card.

"Okay Rainbow, you're up," Sunset said.

Rainbow took a black card. "Here's another pick two," she said. "Step one: blank. Step two: blank. Step three: Profit."

Pinkie giggled. "I like this one!"

After giving the girls a few seconds to study their cards, Rainbow pointed at Sunset. "Go!"

"Step one: A foul mouth. Step two: Media coverage. Step three: Profit."

"Can't argue with that," Rainbow said with a grin. "Rarity, go!"

"Step one: Genetically-engineered super-soldiers. Step two: Gladiatorial combat. Step three: Profit!"

Rainbow snickered. "I like that one!"

"That was pretty awesome," Sunset said.

"Okay...Pinkie! Go!"

Pinkie pursed her lips at her cards. "Step one: Charisma. Step two: Chivalry. Step three: Profit." She tossed two cards onto the table, pursing her lips and blowing air rudely.

Everyone stared at her.

"Uhh..." Rainbow said.

"Pinkie, dear?" Rarity said gently. "That...sucked."

"I KNOW it sucked!" Pinkie cried, throwing up her hands. "I keep having the suckiest possible combinations of cards when it's a pick-two!" She sighed. "I mean, I've got some GREAT cards here, but none of them work together!"

Rainbow shook her head. "Fluttershy? Go."

"Okay. Umm...step one: Insatiable bloodlust. Step two: Eating an albino. Step three: Profit?"

Everyone stared at her, jaws scraping the table.

"Hooooooly shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit," Rainbow breathed.

"Wow," Sunset said. "That...was pretty fucked up."

"Yeah," Rainbow said. She shook her head. "AJ? Go."

Applejack frowned at her cards. "Step one: Being a dinosaur. Step two: Mad hackey-sack skills. Step three...hell, ain't no profit there."

"Nope!" Rainbow agreed. "Fluttershy wins this one." She flicked the black card to Fluttershy.

"Wow, you're almost caught up to AJ," Sunset said. "Okay, Pinkie, it's your turn."

"I'll wait for everyone to get their hands in order," Pinkie said. Once the girls had all drawn their cards and rearranged their hands, Pinkie drew a black card. "Let's see...'A recent lab study shows that undergraduates will have fifty percent less sex after being exposed to blank.' Oooh, fun question!" She pointed at Sunset. "Ponychu! I choose you!"

Rainbow snorted with laughter. Fluttershy giggled.

Sunset glared at Pinkie. "Seriously. I am going to knife you one of these days."

"Awww, you love me and you know it," Pinkie said.

Shaking her head, Sunset looked at her cards. "Okay...Fifty percent less sex after being exposed to..." She grinned sadistically at Pinkie. In the best gravelly Mexican accent she could manage, she said, "My machete."

"EEEK!" Pinkie screamed, hiding behind Fluttershy. "SCARY!"

Rainbow laughed. "Dammit, I wish I'd had my phone out just now! That was priceless!" The others laughed.

Sunset ran a hand through her hair, smirking.

Pinkie sat back down. "Okay Rarity, your turn."

Rarity smothered a giggle. "Okay. Fifty percent less sex after being exposed to..." She pursed her lips. "Explosions."

Sunset snorted.

"Okay, this question's turning out to be disturbingly violent," Pinkie said. "Rainbow Dash?"

"Fifty percent less sex after being exposed to finding a skeleton."

"Laaaame," Pinkie said. "Fluttershy?"

"Umm...quiche," Fluttershy said, blushing.

"Wow, that's a really off-the-wall answer!" Pinkie said, giggling. "Applejack? What are you exposing these poor people to?"

"The glass ceiling," Applejack muttered. "Ah guess that means throwin' 'em through it?"

"That's...not what that means," Sunset said. "But I like that interpretation better."

Pinkie snorted. "Yeah...I'm giving Sunset and her machete this one," she said, tossing Sunset the card.

"Okay, next to last question of the game," Sunset said. "Fluttershy, whenever you're ready."

Fluttershy made sure everyone had drawn a white card, then drew a black card. She scanned it, and her face fell. "Oh. Um. I don't...I don't think I like this one very much."

"Like that's stopped any of us tonight," Rainbow muttered.

Fluttershy sighed. "Alright. 'Life for the Buffalo Tribe was forever changed when settlers introduced them to blank.'"

"Heh, Ah like this one just fine," Applejack drawled.

"Umm...Sunset Shimmer?" Fluttershy asked. "And...just the answer, please."

"Pulling out," Sunset said. Rainbow snickered.

"Ooh, raunchy," Pinkie giggled.

"Okay. Rarity?"

"Ominous background music."

"Rainbow?"

"Sexual humiliation."

"OUCH," Sunset said.

"Oh. Umm. Okay. You're horrible," Fluttershy said. "Very horrible. Pinkie?"

"Literally eating shit!" Pinkie declared proudly.

"Whoa," Rainbow said.

"And you're extra horrible," Fluttershy whimpered. "Umm...I'm actually afraid to hear Applejack's answer now."

Applejack grinned evilly. "Revenge fucking," she said insouciantly.

Sunset and Rainbow howled.

"Oh. My. GOD!" Sunset screamed.

"You. Did. NOT!" Rainbow whooped.

"You're all going to super extra double hell," Fluttershy whimpered. With a sigh, she gave Applejack the card. "Take it."

"Whoo-hoo!" Applejack hollered.

Sunset chuckled. "Okay. With that point, Applejack officially wins the game. She's two points over Fluttershy, and with one question left, Fluttershy can't even tie her. So...congratulations, AJ. You are the most horrible person here."

"Heheh...shucks, twern't nothin'," Applejack chuckled.

"BUT! Just for the hell of it, let's play out the last question of the round. Applejack, if you would please?"

"Sure thing," Applejack said, taking a black card. "Alright, y'all. Quickest, best answer to this: Blank. Kid-tested, mother-approved."

"Smallpox blankets," Sunset said.

"Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars," Rarity said.

"The boners of the elderly," Rainbow said.

"Stranger danger," Pinkie said.

"Panty raids," Fluttershy said, blushing.

"Man...y'all are all kinds of messed up," Applejack said, shaking her head and chuckling. She stretched. "Ah reckon Rainbow gets th' last point."

Sunset laughed. "Okay, help me put away all these cards," she said.

The girls all passed in their remaining white cards, as well as their earned Awesome Points. Sunset rounded up all the discards and sorted the cards back into decks, then put them back in the box. "This was fun," she said.

"Yes. Yes it was," Rarity said. "Let's never play this again."

"I agree," Fluttershy said, shuddering. "I've said, heard, seen, and thought some truly horrible things tonight."

"Aww," Pinkie said, wrapping her arms around Fluttershy. "Don't be saddy-waddy! It's just a silly game! None of us really think or do any of the kind of stuff in those cards!"

"Yeah, Fluttershy," Rainbow said. "The whole point of that game is to just be really big assholes for fun!" She smirked. "Besides, you enjoyed it too. Admit it."

Fluttershy sighed. "Yeah. I guess...I guess I kinda did."

Pinkie looked around the room. "Ugh, we made a really big mess!"

"Don't sweat it, Pinks," Rainbow said. "We'll help you clean up!"

"Yeah, an' then Ah think we should hit th' hay," Applejack said. "Ah'm...gettin' pretty tired."

The others chorused their agreement. Six tired girls worked swiftly to clean Pinkie's room and lay out the sleeping bags.

"Well," Sunset said. "Goodnight, girls."

"Goodnight," everyone said.

For once, Pinkie actually had her own bed to herself. All around the room, her friends snuggled into their sleeping bags. The lights were off, and the house was quiet.

Applejack was almost asleep when a pink hand reached down from the bed, grabbed her by the arm, and yanked her up onto the bed.

"Wh—hey! Pinkie! What the...?"

In the dim light filtering through the window, Applejack could see the mischief sparkling in Pinkie's sapphire eyes. Licking her lips, Pinkie purred, "You still owe me that vagina..."

The End.

Author's Note

FINAL SCORE:

Sunset Shimmer: 8
Rarity: 9
Rainbow Dash: 9
Pinkie Pie: 8
Fluttershy: 12
Applejack: 14

Thank you all for reading this story! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

For those of you who haven't been reading the comments: The writing process for this story was rather unusual. You see...I was actually playing a six-"player" game of CAH while writing this. I was drawing cards for all six Rainbooms, as well as the questions. None of this was scripted in advance. This entire story was me writing reactions to the cards that were actually coming up as I played. (I don't own a CAH set. I was using a text list of cards and an RNG for all draws.) Note, of course, that for some cards, I edited some of the face details to fit the Equestria Girls setting. The intent of the cards is otherwise identical to the actual game.

Here are the cards that were left in each girl's hand at the end of the game, just for grins:

Sunset Shimmer
* Carnies.
* Intelligent design.
* Friction.
* Getting in her pants, politely.
* Space muffins.
* Moral ambiguity.
* Prancing.
* Slow motion.
* A web of lies.

Rarity
* Sudden Poop Explosion Disease.
* Hope.
* Sexy conjoined twins.
* Road head.
* Riding off into the sunset.
* One thousand beef jerky sticks.
* Frolicking.
* The forbidden fruit.
* Suicidal thoughts.

Rainbow Dash
* Repression.
* Overcompensation.
* Making the penises kiss.
* Good grammar.
* Dancing with a broom.
* Take-backsies.
* A look-see.
* College.
* Exchanging pleasantries.

Pinkie Pie
* Hipsters.
* A hot mess.
* Women's suffrage.
* Apologizing.
* Overpowering your father.
* A sea of troubles.
* Fabricating statistics.
* The economy.
* Pistol-whipping a hostage.

Fluttershy
* Being fabulous.
* Appreciative snapping.
* Seduction.
* Emotions.
* Leveling up.
* Active listening.
* Scrotum tickling.
* A crappy little hand.
* Quivering jowels.

Applejack
* The harsh light of day.
* Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart.
* A low standard of living.
* A nuanced critique.
* Santa Claus.
* Keg stands.
* Shapeshifters.
* Being marginalized.
* Beating your wives.
* Just the tip.