Above Eagles

    I don't think it ever occurred to me that Pinkie was, shall we say, batshit insane?

    I mean, she's a nice pony and all (when she's not throwing me through wooden furniture, giving me seizure-inducing foods, or imagining her little Pyromania of a world in that head of hers while she disintegrates my patience) but, let's be honest. The vivacious glare in those cyan irises are the first warning of an impending storm of a surprise party assassination, if she hasn't already casually trotted over the shattered remains of the Fourth Wall, or broke the lays of physics for the seven thousandth time.

    Now, I might not know a whole lot about myself, but I'm starting to get an unfriendly vibe each time the conversation shifts over to moi. Also, I'm not getting a lot of confidence concerning myself, unless if it has something to do with my "talent." And, my fetish with a certain glowing sphere at nighttime, and the element of fire, both have not gone unnoticed.. In fact, now that I think of it...

    ...Please, whatever god is out there, please don't let me be goth in my past life. I'll become any religion in the book if you grant that one wish.

     I checked my wrists, glancing down at them from my seat on the table. Thankfully, no scars adorned the skinny, peach apendages. Now, if I only knew what I looked like, I'd had some form of reassurance.

     ...Did you hear that, God/Allah/Celestia?

    Pinkie, meanwhile, finished her thoughts on teleportation theories (rather abruptly, might I add) to gasp and stare at me. "All this talking, and I almost forgot to mention it! Silly Pinkie, Sirleh Pinkeh!--" Pinkie rubbed her own head and smiled. Yeah, she was insane. "--Andrew, how're things with your 'talent'?"

    I almost choked on my food. In fact, I did, and had to try my best to cough it up stealthily in a building hosting a crowd. Pinkie Pie kept looking at me expectantly while Applejack attempted to help me by patting me on the back, and after a few seconds, the fairly large bite of my chocolate cake came up with ease. It was given a more hospitable swallow, before I glared at the pink pony across the table. I could feel Mr. and Mrs. Cakes' collective glances from across the room.

    "What?" Pinkie shrugged earnestly. "Just wonderin'! After all, I've never seen anypony eat cake quite like you! Besides me, of course!" She giggled, and I sighed out my relief. I grabbed my glass of frosted lemonade and tilted it up to my mouth, the sweet and smooth drink easily finding its way down my throat. "Oh, all right, if you wanna be Mr. Reticent! How about your other 'talent'? You know, the one where you can do things with your mind!"

    The frosted lemonade all of a sudden grew spikes and latched on to the walls of my asophagus. I coughed out yet again, my blood running cold in the meanwhile. "P-Pinkie-- ech--!"

    "What's the big deal with me admiring how head-over-hooves gosh-darn smart you are, Andrew? Seriously, how jumpy can a stallion be?" I gave her a glare.

    "What're y'all talkin' about?" Applejack joined in from the sidelines.

    "...Okay, honestly, that last one was just to follow the Rule of Thirds in literary aspects. Really, I'm just building up to how you can--"

    Pinkie's frosted lemonade suddenly jumped up to splash itself all over her face. Applejack clattered to a stance with an instinctual "What in the--?!", before the pink mare gasped out in shock.

    "Andrew!" she susurrated, before a grin showed up without hesitation. "You shouldn't have! How did you know I love slurping up my drink from my face?"

    "I didn't," I deadpanned, before I was given an in-dept course on just how long Pinkie Pie's tongue was. Failed revenge aside, at least she didn't spill the beans. But, just how much longer until she does? I'm not always going to be there to throw a sweetened beverage at her face.

    Pinkie's mane was now dripping with saliva. "Ah'll get some napkins," Applejack suggested, after seeing the empty napkin dispenser on our round table. She scooted out the high chair before clopping down on the floor, and trotting further into Sugarcube Corner.

    "What the Hell was that?" I blurted out, staring daggers at Pinkie. The mare blinked and started to respond, but by now I was leaning over the table. "Do you know how God damn close you were to telling her?"

    She stayed stoic, if not a little confused, for a few seconds. "God damn?" Pinkie asked meekly.

"Celestia damn! I don't care!" She seemed to get the idea, and her ears flattened from realization. "Pinkie, I've only known you for a few days, but you are making one shitty first impression, you know that?!"

    Pinkie was dead quiet at the words "shitty first impression."

    ...Did I really just say that?

    Christ on a cracker, did I just say that? To Pinkie?

    I didn't need to explode in some multi-paragraph, blind rage, all it took was an insult to her introduction skills. Tears came to Pinkie's eyes as she kept those floating, ocean blue orbs of sadness locked on me, making me feel like shit down a barrel. "...Andrew?" Pinkie whimpered, as more sniffling came to her snout. I merely shook my head slowly, guilt pouring into my system like a monsoon. "...You don't like me, don't you?"

    I couldn't look her in the eyes. What the Hell is wrong with me? Not the fact that I even had those words in me, but the fact that I wasn't ripping myself apart this very moment? An embarrassment is all I've been for the last few days, and my entire life. A Celestia damn waste of fur, walking around, making well-meaning mares like Pinkie feel bad - now matter how annoying she is. Don't even know where I come from, or who my friends are, or who I am for that matter.

    ...Wow, did her eyes really make me think that?

    Whelp, reluctantly coming back to this shitty reality. I couldn't say anything, I could only look at her sorrowful eyes, as if they were magnets. Each milimeter closer the metal of my vision came, my guilt skyrocketed, and I wanted nothing more than to melt in a goop of miserable pony, and seep through the floorboard, never to be heard from or seen again.

    I couldn't say sorry to her face. It was physically impossible. She didn't deserve to have somepony as shitty as me as a friend, and apologizing was the first step to our amity. Still, I couldn't leave our relationship in complete shambles. I just insulted her introductions for Faust's sake!

    What the Hell did I just think, and who the Hell is Faust?

    It doesn't matter. What does matter is that Pinkie's hurting, and it's my fault, one hundred percent. I had to make this up to her. Thank God AJ wasn't around, or I'd be meeting Nurse Redheart again sooner than I thought.

    I slammed my eyes shut, leaned back in my chair, and hid my down turned face with a hoof. "No, I like you, Pinkie. I just don't..." I saw the mare peer up at me with sorrow. I couldn't open my eyes, afraid that they'll fall into Pinkie's own's orbits. I couldn't say sorry for those eyes; I didn't deserve it. But, she did deserve my apologies. So, I said what popped up in my head first, in a box labeled 'Apologetic but not sorry statement.' "...What can I do to make it up to you?

    Hell, I dunno. It wasn't like she was gonna make me her sex slave or something. She's too innocent for that.

    ...Right?

    "Oh, well, apology accepted!" she chippered suddenly, before tapping her chin in thought. "Now, what can I make you do for me...?"

    "Hey, I never said I was sorry," I hurriedly put in.

    "Shush. I'm thinking."

    I frowned and turned away, just in time to see Applejack trotting towards us perturbedly. She held a couple napkins in one hoof.

    Now, I knew Pinkie's tendency to tip over cans of beans by the dozens. And, considering the fact I was about to do something for Pinkie, I decided to save myself the embarrassment. With no more than a blink, AJ's napkins were sent flying out of her hoof, splaying over the floor. She let out a surprised cry, and an exasperated groan before kneeling down.

    "I know!" Pinkie suddenly squeaked, all traces of sadness gone, replaced with mischief. What the Hell did I get myself into? "...You know that talent that you have? The telekinetic one, that I'm never supposed to talk about?"

    An eye twitched, but my head nodded nevertheless.

    "Well... I've actually been wanting to suggest this since I first saw you in that bed."

    Oh, shit, no.

    I was about to tell off the pink mare, but she put a hoof to my mouth before any words could escape. "I know what you're thinking, you silly goose! But that's not at all what I mean. I mean something else..."

    She was too innocent to know what I was thinking. I might be a complete asshole, but I knew when I was overestimating someone. Pinkie Pie was a prime example of a someone. Or, pony.

    "We should start pulling pranks!"

    I opened my mouth to reply, but closed it once I realized I was mute. Pinkie Pie was not a prime example of somepony, she was a prime example of unpredictable... stuff.

    "They'd be simple, since they're your first pranks, ever," she hastily added, a smile forming on her face. "But, I'll make sure it's super-duper fun for both of us! You can do most of the levitating-- well, all of it on second thought-- and I'll be the partner in crime. The target is Ponyville Social Store.--" Pinkie Pie slapped an envelope on the table. I promptly stared, wondering what alternate dimension she pulled that out of. "--Here's everything you need to know about it. Opening times, ponies' grocery schedules, our potential victims... I've had this for years, waiting for the perfect series of pranks."

    "You met me a few days ago," I put in meekly as I felt thousands of brain cells tell their families their last words, before passing away peacefully on a hospital bed.

    "I'm always up to date with all my friends' activities, just in case there's an urgent need for a prank on the spot, or a new idea just popped in my head for story development, or there's been a tear in the molecular portal to dimension AG-67! Those bastards are always sharpening their claws..."

    How is she not in a mental hospital?

    "Well, now that I think of it, I've never found any consistent pattern with the customers, and it has its hours labeled on the door, so this is useless." Pinkie tore apart the envelope like a lawn mower, and instantly went back to her pleasant position. "Well, normally I'd ask if you were in, but you kinda don't have a choice! So, meet me here at five, when we close. We gotta be sneaky. ...Oh, it's gonna be awesome! The Ponyville Social Store won't know what hit it! It'll probably be like, 'Wait a minute! Pinkie's no unicorn, so how could she be doing this?' And then I'll laugh and continue the prank, and they'll all be dumbfounded, because I'm not a unicorn, I'm an earth pony, and you know how only unicorns can use magic in Equus, so nopony will think it's me, because, like I said, I'm not a unicorn and everything's getting thrown around in a way that only unicorns can do, *but who else could be pranking, because everypony knows I'm the best prankster in all of Ponyville, but little do they know that I have a protoge that will soon become the next big thing, and*** are you listening?"

    Applejack was picking up the last few napkins. I was almost finished counting all the skin cells on her body.

    "Just in time, too," Pinkie finished my thoughts, and I decided to not question her. "It's better that way, trust me."

    Oh, cool. She just read my thoughts. Rest in Bagels, brain cells.

    "Pinkie, one more question," I shook my head before asking.

    "Yeperooni?"

    I opened my mouth to ask the question, "What were you thinking I was thinking when you were thinking about something to do?", but I couldn't form the words. Things around Pinkie were getting too weird, and too laced with guilt. I closed my mouth and took a moment to think, before resuming my efforts. "...Promise me you won't do any levitating, too?"

    After that (and Pinkie Pie's reluctant agreement), the day dragged on with a sense of normality I had never experienced. No tragedies, life threatening situations, or ponies wanting to kill me presented themselves that day, and I was grateful. After the rest of the tour of Ponyville, I still had some time to kill, and to find out where a clock was. I did both with ease, via one visit to Nurse Redheart.

    I wanted to not just break the ice between us, but completely melt it. It took a few minutes of arguing with the mare at the front desk (apparently Redheart's a "professional," and can only be reached through an appointment), but after some time Redheart herself came down to meet me. She took me in her office, and was surprised to learn I had nothing I needed from her, just wanted to chat. To save her some breaking of the rules, though, I eventually changed the subject to visiting Cactus Blossom, but first we talked about life. Despite how much time we've spent apart, it turns out one night isn't nearly enough time to strike up new subjects for conversation. Still, we enjoyed ourselves, but I kept getting this weird feeling in my chest. It was kinda like my heart wanted to blossom with warmth and scream for joy, because even if she had me by at least three years, I was still interested.

    ...One of the many joys of having no heart, I guess. I just ended up feeling empty inside, and badgered myself until I didn't have the nerve to trust myself with liking her anymore. Plus, there's still a lot of stuff to get through before I start settling for a normal life. You know, the sanity-threatening, life-spending stuff that takes top priority above all else.

    But, I did find a clock in the hospital, so self-loathing was not all I got from that visit. After that, my day was pretty much a game of Bum Around 'Til Five. And, speaking of bum, I now know that I am totally a teenage human boy. Because all around me are females of my same intimate species, all pretty, and all butt naked. At least I wasn't feeling empty down there.

    ...Shit, did I seriously just think that?

    Well, anyways, the point is: day spent relatively tragedy-free. And now, I'm slinking around in a large, lit grocery store to make up for a slip of the tongue, and my own stubbornness towards a certain pink mare. Who was now distracting our first victim.

    "...Ya know, I just don't know how this could have happened. Everything was fine. One moment, I'm cheerfully shopping with all you fellow shoppers, doing shopping things and all, until my grocery cart just went {immature fart noise.} And not the words 'immature fart noise,' but the actual noise, and it just lost a wheel for no reason, and can you guard it while I get the manager?"

    The yellow mare smiled knowingly, shaking her head slightly. I could instantly tell she was familiar with Pinkie's antics. "...Okay, Pinkie Pie," she susurrated pleasantly. I briefly thought of how she sounded around 21.

    "Thanks, Carrot Top!" Pinkie said happily, before trotting off. The absolute, and I mean exact moment she rounded the corner of the aisle, out of sight, she appeared by my side. I merely blinked. "Do it," she said in a sudden, Golem-sounding tone.

    Carrot Top giggled to herself, before turning to the grocery cart steadily. She muttered, "Typical Pinkie," before studying her surroundings. Located in the aisle labeled "Gardening Plants," the tall, eight-foot walls of bags of seeds, soil, and assorted produce seemed to attract her attention. Her affable face turned to the produce around her briefly, but it was just enough time for the previously detached wheel to zip across the floor and reattach itself to its base. Carrot Top glanced down at the cart from the resounding click, and when her beautiful green eyes caught the fixed mechanism before her, they widened. A few steps back were taken, but after realization hit, she turned and called, "Uhh-- Pinkie? Pinkie Pie!"

    "Yes?" replied Pinkie, who had just came into view next to Carrot Top. The mare's surprise outmatched mine as she took a moment to consider her surroundings before continuing.

    "Your, uh, cart is fixed. I dunno how, so don't ask--"

    "What do you mean 'fixed?'" Pinkie inturrupted, flabbergasted. Carrot Top turned to see that the cart was now missing not one, but two wheels, making it lean on its side.

    "What in the..." Carrot murmured, before turning back to Pinkie. "I have no idea how that happ-- Ow!"

    One of the plastic wheels rolled to the ground from behind, leaving Carrot Top to rub the back of her head and turn, but ultimately coming to no conclusion.

    "You do know that's considered vandalizing?" Pinkie accused. "And, there is a serious fine for such crimes?"

    "Pinkie, listen to me," Carrot Top said, and her voice hoped this situation could end easily with a brief explanation. Hopefully.

    "I might just have to get the manager," Pinkie Pie warned.

    "That is not nessesary. I can tell... --well, I think I can--"

CRASH!

    Carrot Top whirled around to see that the grocery cart's entire lower portion was splayed across the tile floor, leaving the actual cart to clatter to the ground.

    "I have the manager," Pinkie deadpanned in the meanwhile.

    Carrot Top shook her head unbelievingly before turning back to Pinks. "D--bh!" She directed her attention to the stallion standing beside Pinkie. He was a tall and impossibly buff one, his face stoic and aloof. "Oh-- hello-- testosterone. AHMH!" Carrot Top was starting to stutter with her words. "I-I can explain. So-- uh, I was just shopping for some new soil for my garden, and then Pinkie Pie told me to watch her-- her cart.--" As she was talking, Carrot Top slowly turned to the cart, only to come across a shiny new cart in pristine condition. She stuttered some more, maundering out incoherent sounds as her eyes widened. Her mouth kept on talking, as if still trying to continue the conversation unintentionally.

    "Oh!" Pinkie exclaimed suddenly, smiling. "Carrot Top, I didn't know you were a mechanic! Thanks for fixing my cart!"

    The mare kept mumbling to herself, a stupified expression on her face as Pinkie Pie steadily walked passed her, pushing the shopping cart with her. Meanwhile, the cardboard cutout of a manager was floated away.

    "Okay, I'll admit. That last one was akchually pretty funny. But, let's simplify some things. Some gags here and there is all I need to get a laugh."

    "Oohhh, so you're that kind of prankster..."

    For the first time in my life, I heard myself laugh.

    It was exactly what I had expected a teenage boy to sound like: coy, good-natured, and God damn blissful. Now, I'm not one to compliment myself, but I think I might have found my new favorite past time, mostly because I'm a GENUIS when it comes to telekinetic public grieving! I'm like a Griefer in real life!

    My first prank was the one to actually draw a chuckle-- I chased a filly with a floating teddy bear! You should'a seen the look on her face! Fucking. Horrified. It was more than just priceless, it's fucking cherished memory-level shit! Not only that, but after I drove that filly out of the store, I had an absolute blast with screwing around with this one mare's cart! It was simple to a fault, but Celestia fuck me with a cactus if it wasn't Hil-arious! One moment her cart is there, full of groceries, the next it's flying across the store, her filly in tow! Pinkie said that was a little too brutal, but what does she know, right? After I had my fun with the cart, I started practicing my talent if anything. Like, I tried to pull the gum out of this one colt's mouth! He ended up flying face first in one of those pyramid-of-soda thingies, but I ran away before I could see my achievements. Still, I made up for it by seeing the faces of my other victims, including the joyous one of an earth pony filly who had her wish come true, and could fly for a few minutes, over her horrified mother. Then, the stupified expression of a stallion who previously thought his death was to be dealt by a falling vending machine, and the annoyed visage of a mare who couldn't quite get that bag in her cart (via its tendency to plant itself back on its shelf), and the traumatized one of a pegasus filly whose unicorn brother suddenly learned self levitation.

    Like, a full-on hacker of the real world. Somepony that can manipulate whatever they want is who I am! And nopony can stop me, because they're too weak!

    They're too weak to stop me. I'm getting stronger, I can feel it. The anti-magic radius around me is growing. I know nopony can stop me. I know nopony can stop me. Nopony can...

    ...I want a normal life.

    The room around myself was dark. The window to my left held no shine of the moon, and the atmosphere was deathly silent. The only live one in here was Opalescence, who was curled beside me, in a deep sleep I never knew possible from the feline. But, I was wide awake.

    I still remember their faces. But, I laughed at them. How could I have laughed at them? Because they didn't know any better, or because they can't defend themselves?

    I want a normal life, yet I grow stronger, and I'm loving every second spent inflicting pain on others, levitating things only unicorns should, and spending the time in my insane torture chamber of dreams.

    Will it go away? Can it go away...? Why...

    ...

    ...Why is this happening to me?