Woke up; am (almost) horse.

by Earth Galvanising

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Romance, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2615

A stressed, hungover and ex-brony teen wakes up from the floor of a huge party. Huh. Those weren't there before.

gonna attempt to finish this one guys. have some faith in me.

Alex, a pretty average (if not less than) teenager wakes up on the floor of the precious nights party, to find himself hungover, and more notably, lying in a puddle of what he hopes to be spilt alcohol. Trudging through the forest to his isolated home, showers to find marks on either side of his waste. "God damn it. I thought I was past this pony bollocks."

Well slap my doo dangs and call me… Eh, got nothing. Welcome one and all to Woke up; am (almost) horse. I literally just finished reading something similar to this as I write, so thanks TwistedSpectrum for that bout of inspiration. This whole thing is riddled with foul language, so take caution if it wounds yo' soul or something. Most of Ch. 1 will be based on my recent return to this lovely land of "pony bollocks."

So. Enjoy that.

Anyway, enjoy the story, and remember to give me criticism of any kind in the comments. (tho' imma punch you guys if y'all bring up anything to do with Screwed or the others i've written, they were like two years back.)

Cheers.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-18 23:02:00 UTC

God damn it. Ponies again.

Earth. By day, it's filled with hard working men and women, boys and girls learning in school, and babies crying. By night, it's filled with hard working men on women, boys and girls learning at parties about the wonders of alcohol and the opposite gender. And babies crying. The days drag on, the nights fly by, and this is especially true for sixteen year old Alex. Who, at around 8:00am, stirs from a nice, peaceful holiday from consciousness, and finds himself lying on the floor of what was once the party floor.

His eyes caked in sleep, and the back of his shirt and jeans sodden with the warm liquid under him. Attempting to move his sealed eyelids, but failing horribly, he instead vouches to drag himself up on yo his feet. He fails. Again, and quickly finds the floor again. He groans, wincing as his poor back complains at the sudden stimuli, the fall making his eyes shoot open and the sudden glare of light forcing them shut again.

"Son of a- That's one helluva way to wake up." he mutters as he pushes himself up again, stumbling ever so slightly. Alex reaches for his back to click his spine, and in turn feels the warm fluid coating his favorite shirt. Please, please don't be piss. He pleads silently. Opening his eyes again, and finding the light less painful, Alex looks around for the nearest exit, and finds the front door at the end of the cream painted corridor. "Better mosey on outta here." Stretching his legs, he walks/drags his feet to the large door and pulls it open, finding it to be open just ajar. He clicks his neck, getting his bearings and feeling the cool wind on his face, Alex recognises the forest in the distance, merely a miles walk away. A morning run never did anyone any harm, he muses to himself.

Setting off at a decent jog, Alex made his way off the village roads, and onto the familiar fields before him. Farmlands. Though, his family didn't own the land, they just rented a house in the woods by it. It was undoubtedly a comfortable, and peaceful area, however the main issue was technology. Almost everything they owned needed Internet, and with speeds at an astonishing 59kb/s, things just weren't convenient. Alex was all the more aware of this, after living in the city for thirteen years. It wasn't just the wifi that made moving away difficult, it was actually the availability of locations. His neighbours were a close friends, and shops were only a short bike ride away. Things were pretty good. That was until, his mother pressured his father into moving somewhere serene, and so they moved to a house which was really a converted cow shed. The house was nice, but his 'close friends' slowly moved out of his close circle, and now they could hardly be called acquaintances. They were just people who knew one and other.

The final stake in the metaphorical coffin of his relationships was the second move. To his current house in the middle of shitfuck nowhere. His dad was more often London than at home, his mum running two businesses and his brother naffing off constantly to the cousin of shitfuck nowhere, dicksuck who gives a shit. The new move had really ripped apart any friendships he had with people from school, and any that were lucky enough to still be there were obliterated by the school transfer. He moved to a private school not long after the move, and to this day had one remaining friendship from the old school. His name, was Sebastian, and they were pretty much the closest of friends. They both met in middle school, but never became true bros until highschool. Sebastian was round Alex's house often, but they'd both been at the party so as of now...

The house was empty. Alex walked in poured a glass of water and downed it, repeating this twice more. Then greeted his two dogs (so adorable!) then left to wash up.  Grabbing a clean towel, Alex marched up two flights of stairs and into the shower room. He checked his phone, seeing he has several Facebook, Twitter and SMS notifications. He checked one, and they all read the same thing (kinda).

'Happy sixteenth birthday, Alex!'

"Oh right. This was a thing, huh?" Checking the date on his phone, he then confirmed it was indeed February 1st, 2015. "Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! You're home alone today~ That's no big surprise!" He sung to himself. Sure, his family all sent messages saying 'happy birthday,' but they'd all promised they'd be at home the whole day for today. "Some promise, huh." He muttered to himself.

Continuing on with his shower routine, he takes off his shirt, presses it against his nose, and takes in a deep whiff.

"Oh, dude, come on! It just HAD to be piss." Alex throws his shirt into the near by dirty washing bin, before doing the same with his pissy jeans. Before taking a shower, he checks his phone and the time. It read, 9:18am. "Huh, in about fifteen minutes, I'll be officially sixteen. Weird." Chucking his phone onto the towel on the floor, Alex walks into the shower and goes about his normal washing routine, and after half an hour, he steps out, and drys himself with the soft clean towel.

As Alex wraps his towel around his waist, and prepares to brush his teeth, his phone starts ringing with the tune Beatdown Round 2, signaling Sebastian was calling. Letting out a groan, Alex picks up the phone and greets his friend.

"Yo, Sebasti-"

"Dude. Check your fucking hips." Sebastian interrupts.

"Happy Birthday to you too sunshine, a little forward aren't we today?" Alex widens his eyes and smirks to himself. Alex and Seb shared a birthday, they'd discovered this in middle school, and in high school, discovered Seb was merely ten minutes older than him.

"Shut the fuck up, look in the mirror, check your hips, and you'll know why I'm calling." He pauses. "I'll be over there in twenty minutes." Sebastian hangs up, and Alex shrugs his shoulders.

"Whatever this was, it's gotta be big for Seb to get riled up," Alex deduces as he moves back into the shower room and faces himself in the mirror. Short, brown hair, currently matted due to it being damp, mildly athletic, nothing fancy like a six pack though, mainly in the arms and legs. Brown eyes, medium height. Looked normal. "Wait. The fuck?" Alex States down in the mirror at the top of a white... Something on his hip, the rest being covered by the towel. Moving the offending material down slightly, the rest of the marking reveals itself to be something familiar, and well, stupid.

"God damn it. I thought I was done with this pony shit." Scratching the rainbow lightning bolt on his hip (mirrored on the left hip too,) Alex wandered into his bedroom and got dressed; grey tracksuit bottoms, and a loose white t-shirt, covered with a Teal hoodie. Comfortable, and practical. He smiles to himself, though it quickly fades as he remembers the blemishes on his hips.

Meandering downstairs to the Kitchen, Alex pours some cereal, grabs a carton of orange juice and walks into the living room, flicking on the TV. Sitting down in the comfy armchair, he watched the news and listens to the breaking news, same old thing though. Conflict here, conflict there, do these people not know the meaning of 'calm the fuck down, let's just talk over dinner?' Alex sighs, he knew it wasn't long until the conflicts hit England, he just wasn't ready to accept that life was gonna change.

Teenage denial can be a Bitch.

The news passes, and the room fills with short sounds as the sixteen year-old channel flicks through the seemingly endless Sky Box. As if on cue, the doorbell rings, and Alex makes a move to answer the door. Sebastian is expectedly on the other side, and he rushes in without even greeting Alex. His eyebrows shoot up at his friends odd behaviour, and cracks a smile.

"Dude, you look like you've seen a ghost. Calm the hell down and tell ol' Uncle Alex what's wrong." He walks back into the living room, followed by Sebastian, and they both sit, Alex back in the comfy armchair, and Sebastian in the sofa to the left of it.

"You looked, right? I mean, at your hips." Seb asks nervously. Alex rolls his eyes and nods. "Well, what was it? Who's was it?"

"Ugh, really? Why are you worked up about this? It's probably just some prank someone pulled." Alex waves a hand nonchalantly, before catching Seb's glare. "Fine. It was this." Standing up, and pulling down the side of his trousers, and pulling up his shirt, Alex revealed what was undoubtedly, the cutie mark belonging to one Rainbow Dash. "Happy? Look, this means jack shit. I was out cold last night, someone could've just put this on me. Given, it is awfully vivid for a little fake tattoo, but seeing as it has to be new, I'm not surprised." Sebastian shook his head, and mimicked Alex's position, but revealing three red apples on his hip.

"No dude, it's not. I got mine at around 9:20, and let me put it bluntly; I was beating it to some hot nudes and when I look down at my leg, BAM! Applejack's cutie mark is just freaking there." Sebastian slaps his hip to emphasise his words. Alex looks down at hm the mark suspiciously.

"Right. And this clearly means that I'm turning into a fucking light blue horse, a mare at that, with God dammed wings and the ability to break the fucking sound barrier. Great job Sherlock fucking Holmes." Looking up at Seb again, his breath catches in his throat, and the clock says 10:20. "Oh sweet Jesus."

"What?"  Seb tilted his head, and felt his ears turn and twitch at the sound of the sudden and loud dog barks.

Wait.

Gingerly, he reaches up to the top of his head and feels something soft against his hands, he moves his hands again, feeling hair at the small of his back. His pupils shrink. Alex, seemingly finding his voice, laughs bitterly, before muttering,

"Fuck me. I just had to open my big fucking mouth."

After but five minutes, what was once a meeting between a relaxed teen, and one slightly worried, it could only be described as two youths flipping the fuck *out.*** On one hand, we had Alex, a now extremely terrified sixteen year-old born on February 1st, 1999 at 9:30. On the other hand, we Sebastian, an even more terrified sixteen year-old with new equine ears, long hair, and apparently a really good set of fuckin' lungs. He was born February 1st, 1999 at 9:20.

The time is 10:25, on the 1st of February, 2015.

"I'M GONNA GET FUCKING HORSE EARS WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK" Alex yelled, whilst pounding his head against the wall. Sebastian however, was curled up in a ball, on the floor rocking back and forth, eyes wide. Muttering the same thing over and over.

"I'm a pretty pony. I'm a pretty pony...." His eyes watered. Insanity was the best word to describe the two boys. This carried on, the two dogs in the kitchen lying in bed, terrified their owner had become a deranged lunatic. As the two started to look calm, and almost ready to talk...

...The clock chimed. 10:30am.

The clock chimed and my breath caught in my throat for the second time that day. I jammed my eyes shut, no fucking way was I turning into a freaking horse. Nope. Nada. Not happening. The room was silent. Had Seb passed out? Did I wake up from the horrible fucking dream that was me turning into a fucking cartoon character? I reached for my head.

The answer was no. I hadn't woken. Seb had passed out however. But my had was greeted with the lovely sensation of fucking horse ears. I collapse against the wall. Fuck. Am I human? Double fuck. My head hurt. Fuck. Seb was unconscious. Triple fuck. I was turning into Rainbow Dash. Fucktacular.

I flip my shit.

"Two fucking years, two fucking years and here I am, getting dragged back into that fucking world of multicoloured, seizure inducing ponies in the most literal sense possible!" I kick the wall. Man, it was taking some abuse today. Okay, so it's not entirely true that it's been two years since my pony outburst. Over the past two years, the Internet felt obliged to flag up any major events that happened in the MLP:FiM universe, and it sometimes caught my attention. So I watched the ones with Chrysalis, and the one where Twilight becomes an Alicorn, and Equestria Girls (but that shits not canon????) but that's it. Nothing else aside from those three. But here I am, fate playing the most cruel of jokes on me, and turning me into a multicoloured seizure inducer.

Man.

So that's it? Watch my life just slip away through my fingers? That's rough. Nah, this'll be fixable. Visit a doctor, have some surgery and presto! I'm Alex again, normal, lazy not-pegaus Alex. Everything will work out, I'm sure.

The only problem is explaining this to my parents.

And the doctor.

And the government when they cut the shit out of my body.

...

Nah. I'm fucked. Better wake up Seb, and drop this bombshell of 'Hey, look. We're gonna be pony/human cross species for the rest of our lives! Saddle up boy, we've got a circus to join. Maybe get with a couple bearded ladies or two.' Well. At least I get to keep most of my human body. The ears I can hide, and my mane I can-

Mane? Damn it brain, I meant hair. I can cut my hair.

I make to kick Seb in the gut, he stirs, and I grin, taking full opportunity of the moment. I clear my throat, prepare my best Rainbow Dash voice and start shaking his shoulders.

"AJ, WAKE UP! THE FLIMFLAM BROTHERS ARE STEALING THE APPLES AGAIN!" I yell, cringing at how alike my voice sounds to the mare. Seb shoots up, yelling the most amazing response.

"Wut in tarnation? Get mah brother on it, ay ess ay pee!" The voice was exactly like Applejack's and my sides had left the fucking universe. I was dying of unstoppable laughter. He shakes his head looks down at me laughing and cringes. "Oh, ha fucking ha. You're a funny gal." My laughter stops abruptly, and my face isn't too dissimilar to that of, 'the-fuck-you-just-say?'

"The fuck you just say? You calling me a girl?" I narrow my eyes. Was he gonna do this?

"Sorry, I forgot. I meant mare" She grins at me. I would fight him. But it'd be stupid wasting energy on a meaningless fight. I sigh, uncharacteristically backing down.

"Yeah, fine. I was gonna get you up. Make sure you don't die on my carpet or something." He doesn't respond. I loom down to see his mouth agape, staying at my best feet. "What? If you aren't comfortable with seeing my bare feet, then I'll put some socks on, sheesh." I fold my arms and turn away.

"it's not that. Look at them." he responds, his voice quivering slightly. I sit on the sofa, and examine my OH SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY WHAT THE FUCK.

My feet were turning blue. And furry.

God DAMN this day gets better and better!