Another One Bites the Dust

by Ancyforth

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Dark
Length: 3783

Doctor Whooves is in need of another assistant, but where will he find one?

After the tragic death of Coffee Bean, Doctor Whooves searches for a new companion.

Cover art shamelessly stolen from http://darkflame75.deviantart.com/

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-23 19:00:19 UTC

Another One Bites the Dust

Timeline: Prime/Time: 2258/Space: Badlands, Equestria, Nirn

Well, I was right. Dead as a doornail, he is.

That's a real shame. He was a nice kid. Kind of selfish, but that's a good thing, right? After all, survival is what life's all about. Or it's about reproducing, or making other ponies happy... depends on who you ask. Me, personally, I like to help other ponies... Oh dear, what was I talking about again? Oh yes, that's right, my friend Coffee Bean here. Or, at least, the smoldering little pile of ashes that used to be Coffee Bean. Heh, isn't it ironic? Dear old Coffee got roasted, that's pretty funny. Sure, he's dead, but tragedy plus time equals comedy.

To be brutally honest, I always knew he wasn't gonna make it. Coffee Bean was a fine barista, but he was never the warrior he wanted to be. He could barely hold a Laser Rifle, let alone hold off an entire company of raging Changeling soldiers, as was expected of him. But he had such sad, puppy dog eyes when he begged me to take him to the past and save his father's life in the Changeling War, how could I refuse? But now look at him. As I search through his ashes, all I can find is an eyeball and a kidney. Sad thing is, he didn't even get to save his dad. Poor lad died in the same explosion while standing right next to his son. Come to think of it, I'm lucky I had to take a wee, or else I would have gotten blown up as well, and regenerated into some ginger mare. I'm trying to avoid regenerating this time around. I'm finally pretty, instead of old or balding with giant elephant ears. I'm going off-topic again, my apologies... where was I? Oh yes, Coffee Bean. What else is there to talk about? I suppose I could talk about his death.

I had sent Coffee off to the military base in the heart of the Badlands, while I quickly jogged back to the TARDIS to have that aforementioned wee.  I mean, I'm not gonna pee on a military base toilet, have you seen those things? Those soldiers have absolutely no regard for pony decency. But as I was saying, Coffee was just going to convince his father not to go into battle and stay behind, preventing his death at the hand of a Changeling soldier. Simple as that. What I wasn't planning on was that the Changelings would find the military base and drop a bomb on it, just as I'm washing my hands. About 250 soldiers and doctors dead, 500,000 bits worth of heavy weaponry lost, and the only military base in the entire Badlands blown to smithereens. But that's all right, the ponies end up winning the war in 2 years anyway. One military base is just a small blip in the grand scheme of things. When you've lived as long and seen as many things as I have, you learn to think of everything as a small part in a great big plan. A great big plan I haven't figured out yet, but a great big plan nonetheless.

I let out a little sigh, clean the ashes off my hooves and trot back to the TARDIS. Where to now? With who? Whenever I lose a companion, it's because they wish to go on with their lives. I've never had a companion die before. So what now? Where should I search for my next companion? Should I just go with something trusted, like a cute girl I could have a fling with, or my future daughter? Maybe I could try something new, like a Changeling or... I don't know, past me. Or future me. Alternate dimension me? I consider the possibilities as I step into the TARDIS. I guess I'll just have to flip a coin.

Dimension: Prime/Time: 2007/Space: Ponyville, Equestria, Nirn

I'm gonna put an ad in the paper. I know, it's dumb, but I'm completely out of ideas. I've tried it all. I've been through time, space, alternate dimensions, nothing. If you walk up to a stranger and say you're a space-time traveler looking for a companion to join him in dangerous journeys, they get very aggressive. Throwing words around they don't mean, like "hobo" and "asshole", or even giving you a slap in the face. Eventually I figured out that walking up to strangers isn't a good idea to begin with. Avoid strangers at all costs. So now I'm placing an ad in the paper.

WANTING: Somepony to travel through time with me. This is not a joke. Telephone Box on the corner of Sectretariat. No payment, but a promised good time. Safety not guaranteed. I have done this many times before.

I didn't get any responses.

Timeline: Prime/Time: 22,879,025 a.k.a. The End of Time/Space: What was formerly known as "Nirn"

I like to come here to think. There's something so peaceful about seeing my favorite planet disintegrate, and watching the stars go supernova above. You haven't lived until you've seen the immortal princesses crumble into dust before you. It makes you feel so much bigger than the rest. This was actually the third place I visited when I first got... well, stole my TARDIS; first place I went to was to last Wednesday, to remember my girlfriend's birthday. That was the main reason I stole it. But then I realized the potential of it; I could explore all of time, space and the multiverse. Then I went on my second visit; To the very beginning, he birth of everything in the known universe. I wanted to see if the big bang theory was correct; it wasn't. Turns out the universe just popped into existence one day. It was odd, to say the least. Just... *pop*. Like that. One moment, nothing, the other, stars and planets everywhere. Perhaps it was just the TARDIS' inability to travel back that far; perhaps that's really how it all started. Or maybe I blinked. Either way, it wasn't very satisfying. So then I went here. Ever since I was a little filly, I had this morbid fascination with "the end". The end of my life, the end of our planet, the end of time. Speaking of the end of my life, that was my fourth journey; to find in what year I die. To this day, I still haven't found it. I've only seen my death in alternate universes, such as the chicken universe, in which I get pecked to death by a gang. It was brutal.

How many companions have I had by now? About twenty, thirty? I remember the first one, Toaster Strudel. She was nice. We met when I saved her village from of Windigos. After that, she accompanied me for about 2 years. Eventually she left me to marry a man she met in 2055. Ended up having two kids, started her own diner, died in 2090. Her granddaughter was my fourth companion. And her nephew was my seventh. His roommate was my thirteenth... That gives me an idea. I just need to find someone connected to dear old Coffee Bean and string them along on my exciting adventures! Oh, end of all time, you always have a solution to my problems.

The search is on!

Timeline: P-12/Time: 3261/Place: Battle of Badlands Memorial, Bannera, Marx

P-12 was always one of my favorite alternate timelines because, well, it's mine. Originally P-12 only alternated from the Prime Timeline because, in this one, Celestia had a light-yellow coat instead of light fuchsiaish gray. I came here about 2 weeks after I stole the TARDIS. I didn't specifically choose it, I just pressed the "Random Timeline" button. I wanted to experiment with time, see how I could influence it. So I went back to 2007 and gave a random purple bookworm pony my Transmogrification Engine, a piece of equipment ponykind wouldn't invent until they stole it from the Changelings during the War and reverse-engineered it. It took the Prime Timeline until 3000 to fully adapt to this new technology and invent things such as heavy weaponry or helicarriers. I wanted to see how becoming technology advanced sooner than usual would affect P-12's future, and to find out I traveled to 2258; the same year as the Battle of Badlands.

But by that time, the Changeling War was already over. It came far sooner, and for a different reason. Chrysalis was furious that Celestia stole her technology, and sent an entire field army to Canterlot. It was a tragedy; 3/4th of it's citizens were all either murdered or blown up. For the first few months it seemed like Chrysalis was winning the war; She had camps and bases scattered all over Equestria, taking out cities one by one daily. But eventually, Celestia and her student whose name I can't remember figured out how to reverse-engineer the device I gave them, and built as many weapons as they could as fast as they could. It only took a few months for Celestia to gain the upper hand. In the Prime Timeline, the Changeling War lasted 9 years; Here, it lasted 9 months.

But still, lives were lost and ponies suffered. Which is why they built this memorial here. About a thousand names on it, but I'm focused on one; Coffee Bean. Died in 2258, same as in the Prime Timeline. Except this time it wasn't my fault. I still have no idea why they decided to build this memorial on Marx. Space travel wasn't even around during the war, and Marx wasn't discovered until 2269. Tartarus, they landed on this planet exactly 100 years after the war ended. Ponies are odd sometimes, with their irrational fear of death and odd placement of memorials. I notice a mare standing next to me, who seems to be fixated on Coffee Bean's name as well. She's got brown fur, same as he did. Perhaps a granddaughter? I should introduce myself to her.

"Excuse me, do you know Coffee Bean?" I ask with my usual charms. She gives me a look like I'm the monster hiding under her bed. Perhaps she's shy. "Uh, yes, he was my great-grandfather," she answers softly. I can barely hear her. "I'm here with my family. Why, do you know him?" I consider being honest to her and saying "yes I caused his death in the prime timeline", but it's a little too soon for that. "Yes, actually." She asks me how I know him. "Well, it's a long story. I'm a time traveler, I caused his death in the prime timeline." Dammit.

"Is that supposed to be funny? He lost his life fighting for his country, and if you think that's a joke, then you can just go to--" I interrupt her before she says anything naughty. There's fillies around. "Well, I didn't know you were gonna go ballistic. If you don't believe me, you could just follow me into that telephone box over there and--" This time she interrupts me, with a strong slap in the face, and gets away from me as quick as she can. Hopefully, she's running off to fix her social skills.

Well, that was a complete and utter failure. The search continues.

Timeline: Prime/Time: 22,879,025 a.k.a. The End of Time/Space: What was formerly known as "Nirn"

At what point in my travels did death become so easy? Was it when I first regenerated from an old man into a slightly less old man? Was it when I destroyed my home planet? Was it when I travelled back to the Changeling War and just watched countless soldiers die while sipping on a martini? Probably the second thing. I guess it's because I can just go back to a point when they're alive again. Maybe that's just the type of person I am. Heartless. A dick. I didn't feel anything for Coffee Bean when he died. He was stupid for thinking that he would actually survive in that war. But he was doing it for a good reason, to save his own father. And yet I thought he was just an idiot. I even joked about it. Would I have done this 100 years ago? Or 500?

Oh, bloody hell, I'm getting deep. I need a new companion.

Timeline: N-102/Time: 3000/Space: Canterlot, Equestria, Nirn

The Changelings won in those one. They win in most N-labeled universes, except in this one Chrysalis eats Celestia's brain instead of beating her to death with her bare hooves. I'm not gonna stay for long, just paying a quick visit so I can use their hivemind to locate some companion material. The hivemind is actually very easy to use, you just have to get used to the million different thoughts and voices inside your head. Also you wanna take it out of your head before it consumes your mind and turns you into a Changeling.

Chrysalis doesn't mind my usage of her hivemind, we're friends. Well, not really friends, we just have a mutual agreement; I can use the hivemind as long as I don't go back in time to stop her. I have no idea why I would try to save a non-Prime timeline, but whatever, I get a free hivemind ticket out of it.

There's a number of different ways to access the hivemind. The easiest one is to completely become a changeling, but I like having normal legs, so I prefer using a slightly harder one; stabbing a tendril into the my head. The moment it pokes into my brain, I can hear a thousand different voices rushing through my mind. Most of them are along the lines of "the weather sure is nice today", "that girl is cute", "this pony liver is delicious". Basic stuff.

So first things first; what type of pony am I looking for? Somepony who's always equipped with quips, wise with wisecracks? Or maybe somepony intelligent, who could fill in my blanks. Or perhaps both? The hivemind gives me a couple of results; "Twilight Sparkle"?  A wide-eyed bookworm with hope for the future, a little too smart for her own good, impossible to have a conversation with... Nah, too much like me. "Silver Lining"? A handsome young chap with enough charisma to woo all of Trottingham... Nah, too much like me. "White Cell"? A pony who has no trouble abandoning all his friends, because as long as it all works out for him and only him in the end, nothing else matters...

Alright, so the hivemind's busted, obviously, or else they wouldn't give me a plot-hole like that. So what now? Even when I could never find somepony connected to my previous companion, the hivemind would always find someone for me. I am completely out of ideas. And I can't just travel on my own, I'd go insane within the first couple of hours. I mean, you've seen the way I think when I'm alone, I think about the most useless little things. Before you know it, I'd be thinking about how truly miserable I am, that existing doesn't matter as long as I'll never love, be loved, find a mate, have children, or.... or.... wait a minute.

Plan C. I told myself I would never resort to... him. I know the effects of it. I could destroy all of time and space just by looking in his general direction, let alone have a conversation with him. But I must.

I'd rather die than be alone in that Celestia-forsaken telephone box.

Timeline: N-42/Time: 2011/Space: Border of the Frozen North, Equestria, Nirn

I don't know why I even bothered to visit another alternate timeline. It will always have the same effects. I suppose a small part of me still likes to believe that little things like that actually matter. A younger part of me.

Just on the border of the Frozen North, where it meets the Crystal Empire, a log cabin resides. It's a nice, cozy little place. The type of place any colt wishes he could live with his family. And the colt who lives there is living my dream. A beautiful wife, two adorable little children, and nothing but a lit fireplace and time to kill. The man who lives in that cabin has everything I want, everything I can't have. As I'm standing in front of his house, I can see him notice me through the window. He opens the door and greets me in a fashion as cold as the snow I'm standing in. "How did you find me?"

I exist in every timeline. The moment I pushed the 'go' button on the TARDIS, versions of me were travelling in every timeline, in every dimension. That's one of the many ways it makes you immortal; not only does it stop aging altogether, but it plants your seed in every timeline imaginable. It's a feature I'm quite thankful for; I'm already busy enough with the prime timeline, if I had to worry about the infinite number of timelines, I would jump into the nearest black hole and hope the theories are correct. But there's one thing I've noticed that is universal through out all timelines, something that's not part of the TARDIS, but a part of me. No matter what timeline I'm in, I always end up calling it quits at one point. And at that point, I would go to my personal favorite year, 2011, buy a log cabin on the border of the Frozen North, marry a beautiful woman and have a family with her. It's become a real pain in the plot to deal with because I always have to avoid going to 2011, and I'm slowly starting to forget why it's my favorite year.

"Oh, this shouldn't be a surprise," I tell myself, literally. After I quit the TARDIS, my aging finally resumed; I look good for someone pushing 240 millennia. A bit wrinkly, but good. "I need your help."

"I don't remember travelling to this point." he says. Behind him, I can see his wife and kids waiting in the hallway, scared. My wife and kids, scared of me.

"I'm from the prime timeline. I came to this alternate one so I could speak with you without damaging the space-time continuum."

"You know that doesn't actually work, right?" He groans. I can't tell whether he's furious or mildly annoyed at my presence. "We had rules for this. Your mere presence is devouring timelines as we speak."

"Oh, you are such a drama queen. I have one question, and I'll be off. I'm already here, might as well make it a useful visit, eh?"

"...Fine. One question. But after that, you need to leave."

The inside of his home is lovely. A great big fireplace to sit around with the family, a couple of bookshelves with my some of my personal favorites, and a neato-burrito coffee table. His wife and children sit on the sofa, staring at me like I'm the... no wait, already used that one. Not-Me hands me a cup of coffee. It's a nice change from the cold outside. "You said you had one question. What is it?"

"I need a companion. I can't find anyone and I'm going crazy."

"Maybe it's time to throw in the towel. Like the others did."

"I'm not like them. They're quitters. I don't quit. Just tell me, who accompanied you after Coffee Bean's death?"

"No one."

"What do you mean 'no one'? It doesn't work that way. What, did you travel alone?"

"I gave up. I murdered someone. Sometimes lives gives you a sign to let you know when to quit. That was my sign. Our sign."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. What, is this an alternate dimension in which I'm a pansy? "It was his fault! He was weak, and yet he thought he could survive a war! The blood is not on my hooves!"

"Get out of my house."

And there I am, standing in the snow again. Part of me wants to double check, see if other me's gave up after Coffee Bean, but that would just tear space-time apart.

But there's one thing I can do. I can still talk to myself, if that conversation results in the other conversation never happening.

Timeline: Prime/Time: 2258/Space: Badlands, Equestria, Nirn

They should be arriving any minute now. I should be arriving any minute now. As I'm waiting here, on this hill, I can't help but think about the fact that I'm about to be wiped from existence. I would've never gone after a new companion, and I would've never ended up here. I've never been wiped out of existence before. I mean, probably, but I don't remember it. I imagine it hurts. Or maybe it doesn't. Come to think of it, I've never died before. Normally, I always regenerate back into a sexy young man. Well, I welcome it with open arms.

And there he is. The TARDIS materializes out of thin air, just outside the blast radius of the bomb that's about to be dropped. I can see myself and Coffee Bean step out while chatting too each other. They're too far away to hear, but I can remember that what I said is something along the lines of "BRB gotta wizz". Here comes my part; I go back into the TARDIS, while Coffee Bean heads off to the base. I have to stop him. "HEY!" I yell as loud as I can. He stops, looks around, then just keeps walking again. Well, that was my big plan. Time for Plan B. He's still out of harm's way, but if he gets any closer he's mush. I need to stop him now.

So I shoot him in the leg with a sniper rifle.

Call me violent, but it works; as he lays there, bleeding and screaming, the military base goes from "decent" to "flame and rubbish" in what seems like the blink of an eye. I'm unharmed, Coffee Bean is only slightly harmed, and I get to keep my companion.

No more thoughts about what a miserable, pathetic excuse of a life I've lead. No more thinking about how my morality has completely vanished over the years, no more thinking about just dying in a hospital bed surrounded by my family instead of an some strange planet, no more thinking about how obsessed I am with solving problems that I don't have to care about...

On second thought, I don't welcome death. At all. I wanna stay. I wanna stay! Coffee Bean, jump back into the--

And then I'm wiped out of existence.