I went to Equestria once. I hated it.by TheOncomingStormChaptersChapter 2: Escape, and then more horrors.Chapter 1: A brief description of my life, and a portal.Chapter 3: That awful time I got drugged and tested on.Chapter 4: An ever-so-joyous visit to CanterlotChapter 5: I become famous, again.Chapter 2: Escape, and then more horrors.Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.Chapter 1: A brief description of my life, and a portal.Author's Note This really is just silly writing. I'm going to try to make this to form some sort of plot, but don't get your hopes high. I really am just doing this because I can. Chapter 1: A brief description of my life, and a portal. Hello. My name is Tardar sauce. But I have a feeling you will just call me Grumpy Cat. You might know me from some pictures on the internet. I hate writing, so I hope that makes you feel miserable. I live in a house. It smells, and I don’t like it. My owner likes me. I don’t really like my owner. I think it’s good to hate things, it’s much better than enjoying yourself. My owner never gives me what I want. She pretends that she can’t understand me, and whenever I ask for something, she strokes my fur and calls me a “good kitty”. I am not a “good kitty”. My owner once took a photograph of me and put it on the internet, and then someone put text over it which said “I had fun once. I hated it”. This is most definitely not true. I have never even begun to enjoy myself in my entire life. So since then, my name changed from “Tardar Sauce” to “Grumpy cat”. This is because of the fact that I have an under bite, so I look like I’m unhappy all the time. In actual fact, I am REALLY unhappy all the time. The only time I am happy is when I see other people being unhappy. I would laugh at this, but my mouth doesn’t make that shape. Since the purpose of this chapter is to tell you about my life, I should probably make a list of all the things I hate. I hate writing, so this list will be short. A basic list of things I hate: People that think I’m male. I’m a female. Humans are stupid. -Everything. There we go. That’s all you need to know about me. Unless you want to hear about how I was born, or how I became grumpy, but that will entertain you more, so I won’t. But one thing I will tell you, is that two days ago, I got sucked into a horrifying, terrifying, abysmal hellhole. The disturbingly bright coloured inhabitants of this terrifying realm referred to it as “Equestria”. UGH. It was a normal Tuesday afternoon. I hate Tuesday afternoons. The only part of the day I can even begin to like is when I am sleeping. Anyway, I was sitting in the living room, being tortured by my owner. She calls this horrific method of torture “petting” and it involves her cuddling me and stroking my fur affectionately. I particularly hate it because she thinks I like it. I don’t. After she tortured me for about 15 minutes straight, she went into the kitchen to get me some food. She still doesn’t realise I don’t like fish. While she was gone, I stared out of the window. I saw a child with a red balloon play outside. She looked like she was really enjoying herself. I began fantasising about popping her red balloon, and watching her cry as I stared blankly at her, secretly enjoying it. I was rudely interrupted in my day dream by a bright flash of light behind me. I turned around to look at what appeared to be a portal of some kind. It was circular and looked two dimensional, and to make it worse, it was swirling with all the colours of the rainbow. I walked away from it, I hate rainbows. But I began to feel a sucking sensation behind me, and I was being pulled backwards towards the portal. I cried for help, but my stupid owner misinterpreted it to be a call for food. She never was very helpful. After a horrible saga of being pulled backwards, I finally reached the portal, and got sucked through it. After being spun around and around in some sort of rainbow coloured light tunnel, I saw a bright flash of light and found myself to be in some sort of broom cupboard. I saw the portal to the left of me, and I tried to jump back in it, but it closed before I could, and I hit my head against the cupboard wall with a loud “thump”. I really hate cupboards. I heard a voice from the beyond the doors of the cupboard. It sounded childish and high pitched. “Hey, Scootaloo! Did you hear something in the cupboard?” “Yeah! It sounded like something's in there! Let’s go and look!” The one presumably named Scootaloo replied. I heard them come closer to my cupboard. I really didn’t want them to look in my cupboard, but they would eventually. The door opened, and I squinted at the bright light. I saw three brightly coloured creatures, who looked to be about 3 feet tall. They looked like horses. Ugly horses. “Awh, a cute little kitty!” “Let’s keep him!” “How in the hay did he get in the cupboard?” They seemed to be intelligent enough to produce simple speech, I realised. I hate them already. Chapter 3: That awful time I got drugged and tested on.I was dragged into the purple abomination of a building, and dropped in front of a purple pony, who I noticed had a horn and wings, unlike the one that dropped me on the floor, which had none of these attributes. I also recall two of the ponies back in the treehouse of hell had these things, but I was too grumpy to care. She was sat on a throne, reading a book. I hate books. But I tried to reason with the creature, since it seemed to show more intellect than the dimwits I have encountered today. "Send me back to where I came from, or I will slap your grandmother, and dunk your face in an acid of my choosing." My way of reasoning is a little abstract, but it works. She looked up at me, and she seemed genuinely offended, which was strange. I could have easily said a lot worse. I was saying the acid part to be polite. "Pinkie, did I just hear what I think I just heard?" "I know right! A talking kitty! It even rhymes! Do it again kitty! Rhyme!" In response, I uttered a long chain of disgusting obscenities, mostly concerning her grandmother. I hate grandmothers. Especially yours. "Aw, c'mon! That didn't even rhyme! What a silly cat!" Damn. Why cant this thing be offended! The purple one looked down at me with a mixture of concern and shock, which are emotion I always fail to show. She then put down her book, and called for someone named "Spike". A short, large eyed lizard with hideously bright purple and green skin waddled in. She whispered something in his ear, looked at me peculiarly for a second, and then waddled off. "I'm afraid that this kind of magic is way out of my depths, Pinkie. I'm going to run some tests on him before Princess Celestia gets here. Ill let you know what happens..." "Okey Dokey Lokey!" The one presumably named "Pinkie" turned and literally bounced out of the castle. I then looked at the purple one, and yawned. "Is it OK if I take you down to my lab? I'm going to need to run some tests on you so I can know exactly what you are..." "It is not OK to do anything to me. If you come near me, I'll bite your face off and hand it to your mother when she needs a napkin at your funeral." She just sighed, and the purple and green midget returned, but it also had a net. Before I could yell some of my favourite grandmother related insults at it, I was already surrounded by thick, ropy mesh. The purple one then injected me with some sort of clear liquid, and I hit the cold, unforgiving ground. . . . I was rudely awakened from my dark slumber by a constant whirring of a machine. I was about to yell for my owner to get me some food, but then I realised that I was still in this hellish land. I seemed to be tied to a chair. It was hard and uncomfortable. This is a miserable start to the day. Then again, isn't every day? "I'm sorry I had to drug you, but I didn't want you to struggle whilst I brought you down here." I turned to look at the purple pony, and she seemed to be dressed in a white lab coat, and she had goggles above her head. I also noticed her horn was glowing with some atrocious magical aura, and some lab bottles were covered in the same aura, and they were floating in the air. Meh. Simple telekinesis. Big deal. I then noticed that I seemed to be in a sophisticated lab, with several pieces of complicated equipment lining the white and clinical walls. Several bottles were lined up on shelves. I was about to yell some horrid insults at her for fun, but I decided that I should probably get some answers. "Thing. You will answer me. What is this place?" "Silly cat, my name is Twilight, not Thing. This is a laboratory, which is a room or building equipped for scientific experiments, research, or teaching, or for the-" "That's not what I meant, dimwit. I mean, what do you call this world?" "You seriously don't know?" "Of course I don't, I was brought here through a horrid portal-" I was interrupted by the sudden "DING" of a piece of equipment next to Twilight. It was a pale green in colour, and it began flashing with a red light. She then shoved a helmet which was connected to the machine onto my head, and she switched a lever. The machine then began spewing out a scroll of paper a continuous red line on it. She turned the lever off, and picked up the huge scroll of paper, and looked at it. "No, no! This cant be right! Its impossible! Nothing in the world of Equestria is like this! Oh my gosh!" "Well, I'm not ACTUALLY from-" "But you don't understand! Your pessimism levels! They're sky high! You have literally no positive emotion at all! And you can talk! What are you?!" I stared back at her blankly. "Your worst nightmare. Now let me off of this chair". At that second, the doors of the lab flew open, and two ponies, presumably male, burst into the room. "All stand for Princess Celestia!" They shouted in unison, and in their wake, the most hideously repugnant thing walked into the room. It had flowing multi-coloured hair, which seemed to flow despite the lack of wind. It had a golden crown, angelic white fur, and stood about three feet taller than all the other ponies. As soon as it looked at me, it burst out into an ear splitting fit of laughter. "Is there something wrong, your highness?" She turned to me, and giggled. "Hello, Grumpy Cat!" Author's Note Wait, did I just shove in a plot twist? I think I just did... That's shocking, considering I'm only writing this for fun... :) Chapter 4: An ever-so-joyous visit to CanterlotThe white princess pony thing then collapsed into yet another fit of laughter, and the purple pony, Twilight, just stared at her. I followed suit. After another few minutes of disgustingly happy laughter, she spoke. "Princess Celestia, how do you know this cat? As far as I'm aware, nothing like this has ever been seen in Equestria!" The quite-frankly-hideous Princess Celestia then wiped the highly unhygienic water from her eyes, put on a much more serious face, and looked up at Twilight. "I think we may need to go to Canterlot for me to be able to answer that-" "Why can't you just explain now? I'm a Princess now Celestia, I have my own freaking castle! I have wings! I'm no longer a student who solves every situation you can't be bothered to do! I demand you tell me now!" She crossed her hooves childishly and began to wear a grumpy expression. What an amateur. Celestia just chuckled. "I will tell you in good time, Princess. But it is easier to explain in Canterlot, and besides, there's a piece of cake back there with my name on it, and my castles a lot better, no offence. Bring the creature with you, and your five friends, for plot purposes." After Twilight removed me from the scientific apparatus, she took the lizard thing and myself (unwillingly) through the pony hell town, which I learned was called Ponyville. The originality kills. We walked towards what looked to be a simplistic train station, where a multi-coloured steam train awaited. Already waiting there was Pinkie Pie, an incredibly irritating white pony with a purple mane, a cyan pony with eye blindingly hideous rainbow hair, a yellow pony with a pink mane and an irritating voice, and an orange coloured pony with wheat hair, who looked and sounded to be inbred. "Um, Twilight? Can ya remind me again why we ah going to Canterlot?" Enquired the hillbilly one. "Girls, I want you to meet 'Grumpy Cat'... Pinkie found him in town earlier, and we are going to Canterlot so Princess Celestia can tell us who the heck he is-" "Who she is, you imbecile..." All the ponies gasped. Honestly... Why is it so shocking to have a talking cat? This hellhole already has talking horses, doesn't it? The yellow one spoke. "Did that k-kitty just... s-s-speak?" "Yes, Fluttershy, she did. And that's why we're going all the way to Canterlot to find out who or what she is, and why she's here. Any questions?" It was the hillbilly one who spoke this time. "Just one... Why in the hay don't we just ask her where she's from and what she is? Ah mean, she is a talking cat!" A loud thwack came from Twilight as she face-hoofed herself. It was deeply satisfying to watch her hit herself, I must tell you. "So anyway... where do you come from? I'm pretty sure your not from Equestria, so are you an alien or something?" The rainbow one asked. "The desolate mud ball where I come from is called Earth, and I live in a country called America. The main inhabitants of the planet are highly evolved monkeys, who are wrecking the already awful planet with pollution and other ghastly practices. They continuously go to war with each other, and one day they will hopefully wipe each other out, so their blasphemous optimism can perish forever. I hate them. I hate my home planet. I hate everything." The six of them just stared at me. Spike coughed. Pinkie drooled. I yawned. Twilight gave a nervous chuckle. "Okay, lets just get on the train, shall we...?" As the eight of us piled onto the train, I began having lovely fantasies about humanity wiping out. I only have these sorts of thoughts rarely, so I savoured them. Halfway through the train journey, as I was looking at the hideous scenery outside the window, the white unicorn with purple, curled hair came up to me with a a hairbrush levitating in front of her. "I don't think I've introduced myself, have I?" She spoke with a British accent. I hate the British. I continued to stare out of the window. "Well, my name is Rarity, what's yours?" "My names Tardar Sauce. But your probably just going to call me Grumpy Cat, most people do." She then looked in horror at my fur, and laughed. "Whether you are a pessimistic earth cat or not, how in fashions name are you able to have such dreadful fur!?" She seemed to have a shrill, irritating tone. "Don't touch me with that. I will scratch your face, and kill your sisters pet gerbil." "Don't talk to me like that! I'm going to brush your fur whether you like it or not, so hold still!" The brush came closer to me, and as promised, I scratched her face. Only lightly, I have much better things to put my effort into. Like pessimism, and yawning. She walked away, cursing obscenities under her breath. I really hope she has a sister. And that her sister has a pet gerbil. After a good half an hour of having fantasies about murdering gerbils, I was interrupted by the cyan pony yelling at the top of her lungs. Most annoying. I wonder if she has a pet gerbil... "We're here! We're here!" I looked out of the window, and what I saw was definitely in my top ten list of most hideous sights ever seen ever. In the distance, I saw a sprawled mind mess of polished, gleaming white towers and buildings, all topped with gold rooftops decorated with deep violet swirls and stars, Behind it was a huge, rocky mountain, covered in trees and flora. From this, a huge, surging waterfall rushed into a lake, underneath a drawbridge, and then downwards into a waterfall again. The entire city seemed to be holding onto the cliff face, facing the endless meadow of forests and lush Greenland where Ponyville sat. After I threw most of the insides of my stomach out of the train window and recovered from the ghastly sight, we stopped at Canterlot station. After the seven of us and the lizard (apparently called "Spike") stepped out of the train, we walked through the streets of what I was told to be called ~~hellonearth~~ Canterlot. We walked through the streets, which seemed generic enough, with several cafes and shops littered about the place. As I passed one of the cafes, two snobby looking mares at a table looked at me with a certain look of disgust, muttering about the "state of my fur". I stopped in my tracks, and turned to look at them. They began to giggle. I jumped onto the table they were sat on, and dropped a beautifully made hair-ball in their tea. After they fainted, I walked to join the rest of the group. The yellow mare looked down at me and smiled. "There you are! We thought we lost you!" She then picked me up with her wings, a surprising thing considering she probably had an incredibly low intellect level. As I scowled on her back, she began to talk. Yuck. "I never told you my name, did I? I'm Fluttershy, and I just wanted to tell you how much I love animals, and how much I love the fact your a talking cat, and how much I hope we get you home, and how much I-" "Shut up. I don't care." "But, I just wanted to say-" "Silence, pony. I do not care for your ramblings. Put me down." She put me down, and began to make a sniffling sound. Here eyes began to water. I began to smirk. "Hey! Did you just make Fluttershy cry!?" It was the rainbow one. She flew towards me, and put her face right next to mine. "If you do that again, sister, you are going to get one giant rain boom of pain coming your way! You hear me?!" I just looked up her and yawned. She walked away in some form of angry trot. After a few moments of blissful silence, Twilight spoke. "We're here! Canterlot castle!" I looked up, and saw a huge gleaming white and gold castle, with several spires and flags, and several stallion dressed in gold armour stood at what seemed to be battlements. Meh. We walked inside, and after several highly glamorous/hideous walkways, we found Princess Celestia herself at in her throne room, signing forms, eating humongous pieces of cake. For a princess, she seemed to have a strange fondness fro Gluttony. She looked up at us and quickly swallowed her current mouthful. "Welcome Twilight. Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Spike, and of course, Grumpy cat herself. I have gathered you all here to explain as to why I know of this cat, and to explain a little about him." "Great, lets get started-" "Not quite yet, Twilight. First, we need to go to the Canterlot Tower. I feel it will be easier to explain there. Follow me." Twilight rolled her eyes, and Celestia stood up from the throne, taking her giant plate of cake with her. We followed her through a labyrinth of corridors, and after an eternity, we arrived at a huge decorated door. Celestia unlocked it with her magical aura, and walked through. Before we could enter, she slammed the door behind her. We could hear her looking through the vaults, muttering to herself. "Unused elements of harmony chest, bacon, magical boots, magical fish, magical fish feed, magical magic, unicorn tears, muffins, churches, gravy, very small rocks, aha! Got it!" The door unlocked, and she held floating above her a laptop. Basic design, basic keyboard. On its top side it bore the company name "Microwaft". Ugh. I always hated that company. Always competing with "Pear". "Pardon me Princess Celestia, but what in the hay is that there contraption thingy?" "This, my dear Applejack, is a loptap, a contraption from the human dimension-" "That's actually a laptop, you equine idiot-" "This device is used in an alternate dimension by humans, and with this they "surf" the internet via waves known as "the web". On this "web", they share jokes and humour via comical pictures known as "mee-mees". I found this about a week ago when I was in my royal bed-chambers, and a swirling rainbow portal appeared on the wall. A moment later, the portal chucked this out and then closed. I was able to connect to "the web" and looked at some "mee-mees". One of these, was this." She held up the laptop screen and showed the infamous and annoying "I had fun once. I hated it" meme. "It appears that our feline friend comes from this dimension. She must have come through the same sort of portal. Tell us, Grumpy, where exactly did this portal open up?" "In some sort of terribly made wooden tree-hut, where three irritating fillies found and tortured me. Needless to say, I escaped". Applejack scowled at me. "One of those irritating little fillies was my dear little sis, Apple Bloom, ya rude, dirty critter!" I just yawned. I really was quite tired that day, and also quite grumpy. Twilight began muttering to herself. "The loptap appeared a week ago... grumpy arrived today... and the clubhouse is exactly 6 miles south east from Celestia's bedroom-" "How do you know the exact position of my bedroom?!" A light bulb appeared above her head. "I think I know when and where the next portal the the human dimension will end up?" Everyone looked up at her with tension. "Well, according to my calculations, it should open up next week, and somewhere 6 miles south east from the Cutie-Mark Crusaders clubhouse, so..." "So what?" Everyone said in irritating unison. I swear they were all mind linked. "I reckon that the next portal will open up somewhere deep inside the Everfree forest next week." Everyone gasped in unison. Fluttershy fainted. I yawned. What? I hadn't gotten a good nights rest for at least 24 hours, I'll have you know. "Then its settled. Next week, you six and spike will take Grumpy to the Everfree forest, and hopefully, be able to send him back through the portal." "I have to stay in this abysmal place for a week?!" I followed suit with Fluttershy, and fainted. I really was tired that day, it seems. Author's Note Here you are, another chapter. You may have noticed I publish my chapters fairly slowly, since I try to put as much care and planning into them as I can. But I will try to publish them more frequently, promise. Chapter 5: I become famous, again.*beep* *beep* *beep* "WAKE UP! You've been asleep for an entire day and I want to get back to Ponyville!" I opened my weary eyes, and found myself in a hospital bed surrounded by several medical apparatus, and the the stern expression of Rainbow Dash in my face. "Gerroutufmuhface... Wait... one day? That's a minimum record. Oh well. You. Get out of my face." She rolled her eyes and moved away from the bed I appeared to be laying in. I say laying, from the looks of thing someone had awkwardly tossed me into it. A male Pegasus with white fur and a brown mane replaced the face of Rainbow Dash. "Hello, um, Miss Cat, my name is Medical Wing, and I-" "Well that's an unoriginal name." He just gave me a stern expression and continued. "You seemed to have had a case of shock-coma, but I think it is OK for you to leave the hospital now-" "What was the point in telling me that, exactly?" He walked away and sighed. I always hated doctors. Always trying to look after people. I sat up, and jumped down to the floor. Twilight then spoke up. "Well since we all know your OK, we should best get going to the Canterlot train station, since we've been waiting for so long." Everyone agreed, and so we walked out of Canterlot Hospital and walked through the ever-so-posh streets of Canterlot. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed an irritating little colt with brown hair and fur and a propeller beanie pointing at me and chatting excitedly to his friend next to him. Maybe he hasn't seen a cat before. I wouldn't doubt it, the creatures here are always so stupid. Anyway, once we reached the train station and got on the train, no one talked to me. Perhaps they realised I hate them, or they forgot where their speech organs were. Either way, I savoured the moment. Once we reached Ponyville however, such bliss quickly faded away. As I stepped off of the train after all the other ponies who rudely went out before me, I was blinded by harsh flashing lights from all directions. As I recovered, I saw a terrifying mob of ponies standing in front of the train. They all kept chanting something, but I couldn't quite make it out. "Great tarnation, they're asking ya to speak, grumpy!" I looked at Applejack quizzically, and then I realised the awful truth. Someone somewhere had found out about my being here, and the fact that I can speak. The news must have spread like fire. That must have been why that colt had pointed at me in Canterlot. Speaking of fire, I must try and find out what happens when I set a house alight here... The chanting continued, so I spoke up. "Mob, shut up. I don't care. Yes, I can speak your language. Yes I'm a cat. Yes, if one of my claws goes into your face, it will hurt. Leave me alone you imbeciles." Everyone stood silent for a while. Then a young voice spoke up. "She's only messing! Lets cuddle the cute side out of her!" On an instant, every member of the crowd began to walk towards me, somehow being able to give off a cuddling embrace. Don't ask me how, to this day I'm not sure how they did it. I ran for the nearest gap in the crown and raced through the streets in fear of having the "cute side cuddled out of me". I shudder to think what would have happened if I stayed. Anyway, I ran like a chicken with a leg coordination problem until I reached some sort of poorly designed house that looked like a carousel. Despite it awful architecture I ran inside it. I looked out of the window and to my relief I had lost the mad hell mob. But it seemed I had ran into a far worse outcome. The interior of the building looked like it had been designed by a colour-blind jewel and frilly things enthusiast with a glitter problem. Every single surface was covered in swirly purple-pink patterns, and several mirrors and dressing tables littered the area like a vanity queen had just stormed through. After counting to forty-two whilst thinking dark thoughts I was finally able to continue walking through the building for somewhere to hide. I walked upstairs and went through the first door I saw. I stood in what could only be some form of bedroom for a posh fashion enthusiast. I didn't care though, and I began to look for a place to rest. I found a velvet cushion with golden lacing and settled for that, purely because if whoevers room this is finds me, this is the cushion they will hold most valuable. As I was beginning to get comfortable, I was attacked by a flurry of white fur, and so naturally I bit it as hard as I could. I heard an ear splitting shriek and the flurry of fur stopped. I looked at it, unfortunately. It was a cat of some kind, and it seemed to be female, like most of the creatures in Equestria. It had a grumpy, drooped face and a purple collar, with some kind of ridiculous purple bow in its head. I figured this was most likely the house owners cat. Anyway, I was glad to see a face that wasn't a horse or a lizard, so I tried to communicate with it. "Who are you? Tell me, or I'll make you wish that first bite was the only thing that I gave you." She just looked at me and yawned. She reminded me of someone, but I couldn't quite pin-point who. "Look, you over groomed hideous screwball, tell me your name, or I swear I will-" "Meow". I then realised the cats here couldn't talk and were unintelligent, like the ones in my world. I was about to scratch it for some form of entertainment, but then the door swung open. Standing in the doorway was one of the torturers from the clubhouse, and I began to search the room for means of escape. Before I could pick however, she had already walked in front of my and picked me up with her unicorn aura-magic-thingy. "Sweetie Cat! We've been looking all over Ponyville for you for ages! Why did you leave? Did AppleBloom scare you? Anyway-" "Get off of me you abysmal hillbilly. And for the record, out of all three of you little tortures, you were by far the scariest." She burst into tears for a disappointingly low 3 minutes, then stopped abruptly. "Wait... You can talk?" "For the love of... YES! Of course I can talk! Have you not heard the news which everyone in your sodden town has heard?" She wiped her eyes. "Really? Everyone knows?" "Yes, you Imbecile, now let me go-" I was interrupted by a smack in the face. I looked up to find the source of the slapping, and I found Rarity's face in answer. "No one calls my sister an imbecile but me-" "Hey! That's really rude-" "I mean, um, no one calls my sister names! I'm taking you to Twilights castle for an urgent meeting!" Before I could retort any dark insult, I was already being stuffed into a bag. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the white cat smiling. Nope. I still had no idea who she reminded me of.
Chapter 2: Escape, and then more horrors.Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
Chapter 1: A brief description of my life, and a portal.Author's Note This really is just silly writing. I'm going to try to make this to form some sort of plot, but don't get your hopes high. I really am just doing this because I can. Chapter 1: A brief description of my life, and a portal. Hello. My name is Tardar sauce. But I have a feeling you will just call me Grumpy Cat. You might know me from some pictures on the internet. I hate writing, so I hope that makes you feel miserable. I live in a house. It smells, and I don’t like it. My owner likes me. I don’t really like my owner. I think it’s good to hate things, it’s much better than enjoying yourself. My owner never gives me what I want. She pretends that she can’t understand me, and whenever I ask for something, she strokes my fur and calls me a “good kitty”. I am not a “good kitty”. My owner once took a photograph of me and put it on the internet, and then someone put text over it which said “I had fun once. I hated it”. This is most definitely not true. I have never even begun to enjoy myself in my entire life. So since then, my name changed from “Tardar Sauce” to “Grumpy cat”. This is because of the fact that I have an under bite, so I look like I’m unhappy all the time. In actual fact, I am REALLY unhappy all the time. The only time I am happy is when I see other people being unhappy. I would laugh at this, but my mouth doesn’t make that shape. Since the purpose of this chapter is to tell you about my life, I should probably make a list of all the things I hate. I hate writing, so this list will be short. A basic list of things I hate: People that think I’m male. I’m a female. Humans are stupid. -Everything. There we go. That’s all you need to know about me. Unless you want to hear about how I was born, or how I became grumpy, but that will entertain you more, so I won’t. But one thing I will tell you, is that two days ago, I got sucked into a horrifying, terrifying, abysmal hellhole. The disturbingly bright coloured inhabitants of this terrifying realm referred to it as “Equestria”. UGH. It was a normal Tuesday afternoon. I hate Tuesday afternoons. The only part of the day I can even begin to like is when I am sleeping. Anyway, I was sitting in the living room, being tortured by my owner. She calls this horrific method of torture “petting” and it involves her cuddling me and stroking my fur affectionately. I particularly hate it because she thinks I like it. I don’t. After she tortured me for about 15 minutes straight, she went into the kitchen to get me some food. She still doesn’t realise I don’t like fish. While she was gone, I stared out of the window. I saw a child with a red balloon play outside. She looked like she was really enjoying herself. I began fantasising about popping her red balloon, and watching her cry as I stared blankly at her, secretly enjoying it. I was rudely interrupted in my day dream by a bright flash of light behind me. I turned around to look at what appeared to be a portal of some kind. It was circular and looked two dimensional, and to make it worse, it was swirling with all the colours of the rainbow. I walked away from it, I hate rainbows. But I began to feel a sucking sensation behind me, and I was being pulled backwards towards the portal. I cried for help, but my stupid owner misinterpreted it to be a call for food. She never was very helpful. After a horrible saga of being pulled backwards, I finally reached the portal, and got sucked through it. After being spun around and around in some sort of rainbow coloured light tunnel, I saw a bright flash of light and found myself to be in some sort of broom cupboard. I saw the portal to the left of me, and I tried to jump back in it, but it closed before I could, and I hit my head against the cupboard wall with a loud “thump”. I really hate cupboards. I heard a voice from the beyond the doors of the cupboard. It sounded childish and high pitched. “Hey, Scootaloo! Did you hear something in the cupboard?” “Yeah! It sounded like something's in there! Let’s go and look!” The one presumably named Scootaloo replied. I heard them come closer to my cupboard. I really didn’t want them to look in my cupboard, but they would eventually. The door opened, and I squinted at the bright light. I saw three brightly coloured creatures, who looked to be about 3 feet tall. They looked like horses. Ugly horses. “Awh, a cute little kitty!” “Let’s keep him!” “How in the hay did he get in the cupboard?” They seemed to be intelligent enough to produce simple speech, I realised. I hate them already.
Chapter 3: That awful time I got drugged and tested on.I was dragged into the purple abomination of a building, and dropped in front of a purple pony, who I noticed had a horn and wings, unlike the one that dropped me on the floor, which had none of these attributes. I also recall two of the ponies back in the treehouse of hell had these things, but I was too grumpy to care. She was sat on a throne, reading a book. I hate books. But I tried to reason with the creature, since it seemed to show more intellect than the dimwits I have encountered today. "Send me back to where I came from, or I will slap your grandmother, and dunk your face in an acid of my choosing." My way of reasoning is a little abstract, but it works. She looked up at me, and she seemed genuinely offended, which was strange. I could have easily said a lot worse. I was saying the acid part to be polite. "Pinkie, did I just hear what I think I just heard?" "I know right! A talking kitty! It even rhymes! Do it again kitty! Rhyme!" In response, I uttered a long chain of disgusting obscenities, mostly concerning her grandmother. I hate grandmothers. Especially yours. "Aw, c'mon! That didn't even rhyme! What a silly cat!" Damn. Why cant this thing be offended! The purple one looked down at me with a mixture of concern and shock, which are emotion I always fail to show. She then put down her book, and called for someone named "Spike". A short, large eyed lizard with hideously bright purple and green skin waddled in. She whispered something in his ear, looked at me peculiarly for a second, and then waddled off. "I'm afraid that this kind of magic is way out of my depths, Pinkie. I'm going to run some tests on him before Princess Celestia gets here. Ill let you know what happens..." "Okey Dokey Lokey!" The one presumably named "Pinkie" turned and literally bounced out of the castle. I then looked at the purple one, and yawned. "Is it OK if I take you down to my lab? I'm going to need to run some tests on you so I can know exactly what you are..." "It is not OK to do anything to me. If you come near me, I'll bite your face off and hand it to your mother when she needs a napkin at your funeral." She just sighed, and the purple and green midget returned, but it also had a net. Before I could yell some of my favourite grandmother related insults at it, I was already surrounded by thick, ropy mesh. The purple one then injected me with some sort of clear liquid, and I hit the cold, unforgiving ground. . . . I was rudely awakened from my dark slumber by a constant whirring of a machine. I was about to yell for my owner to get me some food, but then I realised that I was still in this hellish land. I seemed to be tied to a chair. It was hard and uncomfortable. This is a miserable start to the day. Then again, isn't every day? "I'm sorry I had to drug you, but I didn't want you to struggle whilst I brought you down here." I turned to look at the purple pony, and she seemed to be dressed in a white lab coat, and she had goggles above her head. I also noticed her horn was glowing with some atrocious magical aura, and some lab bottles were covered in the same aura, and they were floating in the air. Meh. Simple telekinesis. Big deal. I then noticed that I seemed to be in a sophisticated lab, with several pieces of complicated equipment lining the white and clinical walls. Several bottles were lined up on shelves. I was about to yell some horrid insults at her for fun, but I decided that I should probably get some answers. "Thing. You will answer me. What is this place?" "Silly cat, my name is Twilight, not Thing. This is a laboratory, which is a room or building equipped for scientific experiments, research, or teaching, or for the-" "That's not what I meant, dimwit. I mean, what do you call this world?" "You seriously don't know?" "Of course I don't, I was brought here through a horrid portal-" I was interrupted by the sudden "DING" of a piece of equipment next to Twilight. It was a pale green in colour, and it began flashing with a red light. She then shoved a helmet which was connected to the machine onto my head, and she switched a lever. The machine then began spewing out a scroll of paper a continuous red line on it. She turned the lever off, and picked up the huge scroll of paper, and looked at it. "No, no! This cant be right! Its impossible! Nothing in the world of Equestria is like this! Oh my gosh!" "Well, I'm not ACTUALLY from-" "But you don't understand! Your pessimism levels! They're sky high! You have literally no positive emotion at all! And you can talk! What are you?!" I stared back at her blankly. "Your worst nightmare. Now let me off of this chair". At that second, the doors of the lab flew open, and two ponies, presumably male, burst into the room. "All stand for Princess Celestia!" They shouted in unison, and in their wake, the most hideously repugnant thing walked into the room. It had flowing multi-coloured hair, which seemed to flow despite the lack of wind. It had a golden crown, angelic white fur, and stood about three feet taller than all the other ponies. As soon as it looked at me, it burst out into an ear splitting fit of laughter. "Is there something wrong, your highness?" She turned to me, and giggled. "Hello, Grumpy Cat!" Author's Note Wait, did I just shove in a plot twist? I think I just did... That's shocking, considering I'm only writing this for fun... :)
Chapter 4: An ever-so-joyous visit to CanterlotThe white princess pony thing then collapsed into yet another fit of laughter, and the purple pony, Twilight, just stared at her. I followed suit. After another few minutes of disgustingly happy laughter, she spoke. "Princess Celestia, how do you know this cat? As far as I'm aware, nothing like this has ever been seen in Equestria!" The quite-frankly-hideous Princess Celestia then wiped the highly unhygienic water from her eyes, put on a much more serious face, and looked up at Twilight. "I think we may need to go to Canterlot for me to be able to answer that-" "Why can't you just explain now? I'm a Princess now Celestia, I have my own freaking castle! I have wings! I'm no longer a student who solves every situation you can't be bothered to do! I demand you tell me now!" She crossed her hooves childishly and began to wear a grumpy expression. What an amateur. Celestia just chuckled. "I will tell you in good time, Princess. But it is easier to explain in Canterlot, and besides, there's a piece of cake back there with my name on it, and my castles a lot better, no offence. Bring the creature with you, and your five friends, for plot purposes." After Twilight removed me from the scientific apparatus, she took the lizard thing and myself (unwillingly) through the pony hell town, which I learned was called Ponyville. The originality kills. We walked towards what looked to be a simplistic train station, where a multi-coloured steam train awaited. Already waiting there was Pinkie Pie, an incredibly irritating white pony with a purple mane, a cyan pony with eye blindingly hideous rainbow hair, a yellow pony with a pink mane and an irritating voice, and an orange coloured pony with wheat hair, who looked and sounded to be inbred. "Um, Twilight? Can ya remind me again why we ah going to Canterlot?" Enquired the hillbilly one. "Girls, I want you to meet 'Grumpy Cat'... Pinkie found him in town earlier, and we are going to Canterlot so Princess Celestia can tell us who the heck he is-" "Who she is, you imbecile..." All the ponies gasped. Honestly... Why is it so shocking to have a talking cat? This hellhole already has talking horses, doesn't it? The yellow one spoke. "Did that k-kitty just... s-s-speak?" "Yes, Fluttershy, she did. And that's why we're going all the way to Canterlot to find out who or what she is, and why she's here. Any questions?" It was the hillbilly one who spoke this time. "Just one... Why in the hay don't we just ask her where she's from and what she is? Ah mean, she is a talking cat!" A loud thwack came from Twilight as she face-hoofed herself. It was deeply satisfying to watch her hit herself, I must tell you. "So anyway... where do you come from? I'm pretty sure your not from Equestria, so are you an alien or something?" The rainbow one asked. "The desolate mud ball where I come from is called Earth, and I live in a country called America. The main inhabitants of the planet are highly evolved monkeys, who are wrecking the already awful planet with pollution and other ghastly practices. They continuously go to war with each other, and one day they will hopefully wipe each other out, so their blasphemous optimism can perish forever. I hate them. I hate my home planet. I hate everything." The six of them just stared at me. Spike coughed. Pinkie drooled. I yawned. Twilight gave a nervous chuckle. "Okay, lets just get on the train, shall we...?" As the eight of us piled onto the train, I began having lovely fantasies about humanity wiping out. I only have these sorts of thoughts rarely, so I savoured them. Halfway through the train journey, as I was looking at the hideous scenery outside the window, the white unicorn with purple, curled hair came up to me with a a hairbrush levitating in front of her. "I don't think I've introduced myself, have I?" She spoke with a British accent. I hate the British. I continued to stare out of the window. "Well, my name is Rarity, what's yours?" "My names Tardar Sauce. But your probably just going to call me Grumpy Cat, most people do." She then looked in horror at my fur, and laughed. "Whether you are a pessimistic earth cat or not, how in fashions name are you able to have such dreadful fur!?" She seemed to have a shrill, irritating tone. "Don't touch me with that. I will scratch your face, and kill your sisters pet gerbil." "Don't talk to me like that! I'm going to brush your fur whether you like it or not, so hold still!" The brush came closer to me, and as promised, I scratched her face. Only lightly, I have much better things to put my effort into. Like pessimism, and yawning. She walked away, cursing obscenities under her breath. I really hope she has a sister. And that her sister has a pet gerbil. After a good half an hour of having fantasies about murdering gerbils, I was interrupted by the cyan pony yelling at the top of her lungs. Most annoying. I wonder if she has a pet gerbil... "We're here! We're here!" I looked out of the window, and what I saw was definitely in my top ten list of most hideous sights ever seen ever. In the distance, I saw a sprawled mind mess of polished, gleaming white towers and buildings, all topped with gold rooftops decorated with deep violet swirls and stars, Behind it was a huge, rocky mountain, covered in trees and flora. From this, a huge, surging waterfall rushed into a lake, underneath a drawbridge, and then downwards into a waterfall again. The entire city seemed to be holding onto the cliff face, facing the endless meadow of forests and lush Greenland where Ponyville sat. After I threw most of the insides of my stomach out of the train window and recovered from the ghastly sight, we stopped at Canterlot station. After the seven of us and the lizard (apparently called "Spike") stepped out of the train, we walked through the streets of what I was told to be called ~~hellonearth~~ Canterlot. We walked through the streets, which seemed generic enough, with several cafes and shops littered about the place. As I passed one of the cafes, two snobby looking mares at a table looked at me with a certain look of disgust, muttering about the "state of my fur". I stopped in my tracks, and turned to look at them. They began to giggle. I jumped onto the table they were sat on, and dropped a beautifully made hair-ball in their tea. After they fainted, I walked to join the rest of the group. The yellow mare looked down at me and smiled. "There you are! We thought we lost you!" She then picked me up with her wings, a surprising thing considering she probably had an incredibly low intellect level. As I scowled on her back, she began to talk. Yuck. "I never told you my name, did I? I'm Fluttershy, and I just wanted to tell you how much I love animals, and how much I love the fact your a talking cat, and how much I hope we get you home, and how much I-" "Shut up. I don't care." "But, I just wanted to say-" "Silence, pony. I do not care for your ramblings. Put me down." She put me down, and began to make a sniffling sound. Here eyes began to water. I began to smirk. "Hey! Did you just make Fluttershy cry!?" It was the rainbow one. She flew towards me, and put her face right next to mine. "If you do that again, sister, you are going to get one giant rain boom of pain coming your way! You hear me?!" I just looked up her and yawned. She walked away in some form of angry trot. After a few moments of blissful silence, Twilight spoke. "We're here! Canterlot castle!" I looked up, and saw a huge gleaming white and gold castle, with several spires and flags, and several stallion dressed in gold armour stood at what seemed to be battlements. Meh. We walked inside, and after several highly glamorous/hideous walkways, we found Princess Celestia herself at in her throne room, signing forms, eating humongous pieces of cake. For a princess, she seemed to have a strange fondness fro Gluttony. She looked up at us and quickly swallowed her current mouthful. "Welcome Twilight. Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Spike, and of course, Grumpy cat herself. I have gathered you all here to explain as to why I know of this cat, and to explain a little about him." "Great, lets get started-" "Not quite yet, Twilight. First, we need to go to the Canterlot Tower. I feel it will be easier to explain there. Follow me." Twilight rolled her eyes, and Celestia stood up from the throne, taking her giant plate of cake with her. We followed her through a labyrinth of corridors, and after an eternity, we arrived at a huge decorated door. Celestia unlocked it with her magical aura, and walked through. Before we could enter, she slammed the door behind her. We could hear her looking through the vaults, muttering to herself. "Unused elements of harmony chest, bacon, magical boots, magical fish, magical fish feed, magical magic, unicorn tears, muffins, churches, gravy, very small rocks, aha! Got it!" The door unlocked, and she held floating above her a laptop. Basic design, basic keyboard. On its top side it bore the company name "Microwaft". Ugh. I always hated that company. Always competing with "Pear". "Pardon me Princess Celestia, but what in the hay is that there contraption thingy?" "This, my dear Applejack, is a loptap, a contraption from the human dimension-" "That's actually a laptop, you equine idiot-" "This device is used in an alternate dimension by humans, and with this they "surf" the internet via waves known as "the web". On this "web", they share jokes and humour via comical pictures known as "mee-mees". I found this about a week ago when I was in my royal bed-chambers, and a swirling rainbow portal appeared on the wall. A moment later, the portal chucked this out and then closed. I was able to connect to "the web" and looked at some "mee-mees". One of these, was this." She held up the laptop screen and showed the infamous and annoying "I had fun once. I hated it" meme. "It appears that our feline friend comes from this dimension. She must have come through the same sort of portal. Tell us, Grumpy, where exactly did this portal open up?" "In some sort of terribly made wooden tree-hut, where three irritating fillies found and tortured me. Needless to say, I escaped". Applejack scowled at me. "One of those irritating little fillies was my dear little sis, Apple Bloom, ya rude, dirty critter!" I just yawned. I really was quite tired that day, and also quite grumpy. Twilight began muttering to herself. "The loptap appeared a week ago... grumpy arrived today... and the clubhouse is exactly 6 miles south east from Celestia's bedroom-" "How do you know the exact position of my bedroom?!" A light bulb appeared above her head. "I think I know when and where the next portal the the human dimension will end up?" Everyone looked up at her with tension. "Well, according to my calculations, it should open up next week, and somewhere 6 miles south east from the Cutie-Mark Crusaders clubhouse, so..." "So what?" Everyone said in irritating unison. I swear they were all mind linked. "I reckon that the next portal will open up somewhere deep inside the Everfree forest next week." Everyone gasped in unison. Fluttershy fainted. I yawned. What? I hadn't gotten a good nights rest for at least 24 hours, I'll have you know. "Then its settled. Next week, you six and spike will take Grumpy to the Everfree forest, and hopefully, be able to send him back through the portal." "I have to stay in this abysmal place for a week?!" I followed suit with Fluttershy, and fainted. I really was tired that day, it seems. Author's Note Here you are, another chapter. You may have noticed I publish my chapters fairly slowly, since I try to put as much care and planning into them as I can. But I will try to publish them more frequently, promise.
Chapter 5: I become famous, again.*beep* *beep* *beep* "WAKE UP! You've been asleep for an entire day and I want to get back to Ponyville!" I opened my weary eyes, and found myself in a hospital bed surrounded by several medical apparatus, and the the stern expression of Rainbow Dash in my face. "Gerroutufmuhface... Wait... one day? That's a minimum record. Oh well. You. Get out of my face." She rolled her eyes and moved away from the bed I appeared to be laying in. I say laying, from the looks of thing someone had awkwardly tossed me into it. A male Pegasus with white fur and a brown mane replaced the face of Rainbow Dash. "Hello, um, Miss Cat, my name is Medical Wing, and I-" "Well that's an unoriginal name." He just gave me a stern expression and continued. "You seemed to have had a case of shock-coma, but I think it is OK for you to leave the hospital now-" "What was the point in telling me that, exactly?" He walked away and sighed. I always hated doctors. Always trying to look after people. I sat up, and jumped down to the floor. Twilight then spoke up. "Well since we all know your OK, we should best get going to the Canterlot train station, since we've been waiting for so long." Everyone agreed, and so we walked out of Canterlot Hospital and walked through the ever-so-posh streets of Canterlot. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed an irritating little colt with brown hair and fur and a propeller beanie pointing at me and chatting excitedly to his friend next to him. Maybe he hasn't seen a cat before. I wouldn't doubt it, the creatures here are always so stupid. Anyway, once we reached the train station and got on the train, no one talked to me. Perhaps they realised I hate them, or they forgot where their speech organs were. Either way, I savoured the moment. Once we reached Ponyville however, such bliss quickly faded away. As I stepped off of the train after all the other ponies who rudely went out before me, I was blinded by harsh flashing lights from all directions. As I recovered, I saw a terrifying mob of ponies standing in front of the train. They all kept chanting something, but I couldn't quite make it out. "Great tarnation, they're asking ya to speak, grumpy!" I looked at Applejack quizzically, and then I realised the awful truth. Someone somewhere had found out about my being here, and the fact that I can speak. The news must have spread like fire. That must have been why that colt had pointed at me in Canterlot. Speaking of fire, I must try and find out what happens when I set a house alight here... The chanting continued, so I spoke up. "Mob, shut up. I don't care. Yes, I can speak your language. Yes I'm a cat. Yes, if one of my claws goes into your face, it will hurt. Leave me alone you imbeciles." Everyone stood silent for a while. Then a young voice spoke up. "She's only messing! Lets cuddle the cute side out of her!" On an instant, every member of the crowd began to walk towards me, somehow being able to give off a cuddling embrace. Don't ask me how, to this day I'm not sure how they did it. I ran for the nearest gap in the crown and raced through the streets in fear of having the "cute side cuddled out of me". I shudder to think what would have happened if I stayed. Anyway, I ran like a chicken with a leg coordination problem until I reached some sort of poorly designed house that looked like a carousel. Despite it awful architecture I ran inside it. I looked out of the window and to my relief I had lost the mad hell mob. But it seemed I had ran into a far worse outcome. The interior of the building looked like it had been designed by a colour-blind jewel and frilly things enthusiast with a glitter problem. Every single surface was covered in swirly purple-pink patterns, and several mirrors and dressing tables littered the area like a vanity queen had just stormed through. After counting to forty-two whilst thinking dark thoughts I was finally able to continue walking through the building for somewhere to hide. I walked upstairs and went through the first door I saw. I stood in what could only be some form of bedroom for a posh fashion enthusiast. I didn't care though, and I began to look for a place to rest. I found a velvet cushion with golden lacing and settled for that, purely because if whoevers room this is finds me, this is the cushion they will hold most valuable. As I was beginning to get comfortable, I was attacked by a flurry of white fur, and so naturally I bit it as hard as I could. I heard an ear splitting shriek and the flurry of fur stopped. I looked at it, unfortunately. It was a cat of some kind, and it seemed to be female, like most of the creatures in Equestria. It had a grumpy, drooped face and a purple collar, with some kind of ridiculous purple bow in its head. I figured this was most likely the house owners cat. Anyway, I was glad to see a face that wasn't a horse or a lizard, so I tried to communicate with it. "Who are you? Tell me, or I'll make you wish that first bite was the only thing that I gave you." She just looked at me and yawned. She reminded me of someone, but I couldn't quite pin-point who. "Look, you over groomed hideous screwball, tell me your name, or I swear I will-" "Meow". I then realised the cats here couldn't talk and were unintelligent, like the ones in my world. I was about to scratch it for some form of entertainment, but then the door swung open. Standing in the doorway was one of the torturers from the clubhouse, and I began to search the room for means of escape. Before I could pick however, she had already walked in front of my and picked me up with her unicorn aura-magic-thingy. "Sweetie Cat! We've been looking all over Ponyville for you for ages! Why did you leave? Did AppleBloom scare you? Anyway-" "Get off of me you abysmal hillbilly. And for the record, out of all three of you little tortures, you were by far the scariest." She burst into tears for a disappointingly low 3 minutes, then stopped abruptly. "Wait... You can talk?" "For the love of... YES! Of course I can talk! Have you not heard the news which everyone in your sodden town has heard?" She wiped her eyes. "Really? Everyone knows?" "Yes, you Imbecile, now let me go-" I was interrupted by a smack in the face. I looked up to find the source of the slapping, and I found Rarity's face in answer. "No one calls my sister an imbecile but me-" "Hey! That's really rude-" "I mean, um, no one calls my sister names! I'm taking you to Twilights castle for an urgent meeting!" Before I could retort any dark insult, I was already being stuffed into a bag. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the white cat smiling. Nope. I still had no idea who she reminded me of.
