A Vulgar Display Of Draconequus

Chapters

Attack On Innocence
Nope
Forty Foot Pole
Climax

Attack On Innocence

Twilight Sparkle had been so wrapped up in her latest text detailing the evolution of chalk that she barely heard the front door open and slam, followed by the springy steps that could have only indicated a certain pink pony.

“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie yelled from the foyer of the castle. “Twilight!”

Tempted as she was to ignore her friend in lue of her continued studies, Twilight slowly shut her book and steadily made her way downstairs. “You don’t have to yell, Pinkie. I’m right here.”

The pink Earth pony ran towards her, the usual energy present in her step now replaced with concern. “No! I think I do need to yell, Twilight! Something terrible is happening! Right this minute!”

Twilight furrowed her brows. “What is it?”

“Something grotesque!” Rarity added from the entrance of her castle. “Whatever she has told you, Twilight, it is completely true. I know it may be hard to believe, but—believe me—it’s happening right this very moment.” She held a hoof to the side of her face, a blush rising in both cheeks. “The sight itself was both horrifying and yet encapsulating at once. As much as I wanted to peer away, I found myself drawn to it. Perverse at it was!”

Twilight closed her eyes and put a hoof to her temple. “And what pray tell was so perverse, because I haven’t been given a single solitary clue from either of you.”

Rarity put a hoof to her lips. “Oh, didn’t Pinkie tell you?”

“No.”

Pinkie jumped in between the pair. “Fine! I’ll tell her!” She regarded her purple friend, eyes wide as if about to tell a spooky ghost story. “Discord’s attacking Ponyville, Twilight!”

Twilight blanched. “What? How? What is he attacking exactly?”

“He’s attacking everyone’s innocence, Twilight,” Rarity added, “one stroke at a time.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “One… what at a time?”

Rarity wrapped a condescending leg around her friend. “He’s playing with himself, darling. Right in the middle of Ponyville. Right where everyone can see. And he’s been doing it for hours now and no one save for us seems to be able to look away… even if it was difficult to do.”

Twilight Sparkle thought for a moment. Then she mentally erased that thought to start anew. Since the reboot did little to remedy neither the situation nor the expression of concern evident in both of her friends, she said, “Take me to him.”

***

If one could ignore the large crowd that had circled the thin bench near the center of Ponyville, Twilight might have deemed the day a normal one as always. The sun was high in the sky, radiating a blissful shimmer to everything it gleamed upon. The white, puffy clouds floated lazily across an endless sea of blue. The gently blowing breeze teased at her mane, catching the faint whispers of the hundreds of gawkers standing and staring in the exact same direction.

Before Twilight neared the bench at the very center of it all, she stopped to watch an orange mare that stood stock still next to a fruit stand, eyes locked in a piercing gaze while her mouth chewed away on words that could barely be heard. Twilight waved a leg across her vision and found it did little to sway her from her spot. Next, she lowered her head to hear what she was mumbling, only to come away with mere fragments of queer statements. “It’s beautiful… it’s terrible… why won’t he stop?” the mare mumbled listlessly.

Rarity sidled up beside her. “And nearly all of them are acting like that. It started with a dozen or so and then those that came to see what was going on latched onto the view of the bench and joined in with the rest. And it’s already been hours, Twilight! And he’s still going. We need to put a stop to this right away!”

Twilight scanned the faces of dozens of others, bringing the total congregated herd somewhere over a hundred. Each face read close to the same—some excited, some close to horrified, while a majority remained confused. But it seemed as though none could look away from whatever had ensnared them to begin with.

“Let me go talk to him,” Twilight said stoically.

***

Leaving both of her friends a good distance behind (she would never risk their safety unless she thought she couldn’t handle things on her own), Twilight approached the bench and with growing apprehension glimpsed the back of the tall draconequus. In his upturned left hand he held a book that he was pleasantly glancing at. Out of view was his other hand, somewhere in his lap. From that angle it was all she could tell.

“I don’t understand…” she mumbled as she slowly neared. “He’s reading… what’s the big deal?”

Keeping her defenses in check, she slowly circled the bench and took not a single lone eye from the creature. Since he was still busy reading and flipping through pages, she thought he might not have seen her at all. Finally she rounded across the front, eyes skyward to his studious face. And still nothing seemed out of the ordinary to her.

“I don’t understand…” she started again, as she slowly lowered her eyes. “What’s the big… penis!”

Discord finally lowered his book to glimpse the shocked alicorn. “Oh, that’s very nice of you to say, Twilight, but I’d consider it average at best. Although I would consider them rare.”

Without a single notion of just what his free hand was doing to himself, Discord returned to his book while Twilight felt her face turn the color of a tomato. Pulling at her head, she tried her best to look away from the sickening sight, but a good wave of curiosity made her turn back.

“Why are you…” she mumbled, watching him work.

Without a care in the wind, Discord’s paw stroked at his erect member in near rhythmic intervals, stopping every few strokes to rub at the tip. Although Twilight would never mention the slight interest, she had always been curious as to what—exactly—remained hidden under the draconequus’ hood, especially since he couldn’t lay claim to a whole animal identity at all. With almost flat disappointment, Discord’s shaft nearly mirrored that of a stallion’s, perhaps only three-quarters its length but a good size thicker. It was even a light pink in color. His rotund pair of balls matched the brown fur on his chest.

After gazing for what felt far too long, Twilight raised a leg to block out the bottom half of the busy creature. With the sight out from view, she shook her head and said angrily, “Could you stop?”

Discord eventually noticed her down below. “You’re right, Twilight. This is rude.” Then he shut his book to set on the bench, his other arm still making hurried work of his tall member. “Now what is it you’d like to talk about?”

A small batch of heated air barely escaped Twilight’s thinly shut mouth. “Talk about? Talk about! How about what you’re doing to yourself in front of everyone! In public!”

Discord looked unperturbed. “Reading about different types of cotton-swabs?”

“No!” she screamed. “That! How you’re—” Twilight was at a loss for words. She said much quieter, “How you’re… touching yourself.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific, Princess.”

“Gah!” she pointed her view-blocking leg towards his dirty work. “How you’re masturbating and don’t even seem to notice!”

Discord breathed out a sigh of relief. “Oh! That! Oh that’s nothing, just a little bit of business I need to take care off.”

“And you couldn’t have taken care of that at home, Discord?” she chirped.

He rolled his eyes. “You can’t just control when the mood strikes you, Twilight. How was I to know that my innocent shopping expenditure would include such scandalous pineapples, ripe for the tasting?”

Twilight ground her teeth together. “Then either finish, or stop and go away. Every pony in town now knows what you’re up to and for some reason can’t pry their eyes from the sight. Somehow you’re affecting everyone with your… lewd conduct.”

With no knowledge what so ever of the act Discord swapped out his right hand for his left, barely missing a stroke. “There’s a lot you don’t know about draconequus’, Twilight.” His free hand patted the space of bench next to him. “Have a seat and I’ll tell you all about it.”

Twilight said bluntly, “I think I’ll stand.”

“Suit yourself, weirdo.” He cleared his throat. “Where was I? Oh yes, I hadn’t even begun. Once every one-hundred years, a draconequus needs to rub one out; otherwise dangerous occurrences are bound to develop. Having lived for more millennia than I can properly remember, I’ve sampled more sexual activities than you could ever read about.”

Twilight mumbled, “I highly doubt that…”

“Having said that,” he continued, “the more years that pass by, the longer I find it takes to reach a justly conclusion.”

It nearly pained Twilight to ask her next question. “So how long until you finish, Discord?”

“Well, let’s see…” Discord scratched at his chin while counting on one hand. Without missing a beat, his tail had wrapped around his hard member, servicing it with agile quick strokes. “Last time this happened was a hundred and six years ago. That time it took me three weeks to finish by myself. And I was walking in the woods when the mood struck me.”

“Three weeks!” Twilight yelled. “You can’t sit here for three weeks, Discord! Even more than a minute is crazy! And a better question is why everyone is staring and can’t seem to stop?”

Discord grew glum. “I’m afraid it’s almost like a curse, sweet Twilight. When I start, I cannot stop until it’s over, same as those that look upon the act. When I was in the woods by myself, dozens of small woodland creatures came to glimpse what was happening, only to perish days later due to starvation. I could only weep for them and continue to beat my metaphorical drum skin in their honor.”

“You’re sick!” Twilight spat.

“I only need help, Twilight,” Discord said gravely. “While it may takes weeks to finish on my own, the touch of another will only speed the process up tremendously. But know this: if I stop before I am finished—if I even drop below a single stroke once every second—I will cease to exist. A black hole will form at the center of my body and scoop me right from this world.”

Twilight said thickly, “I think I could live with that.”

“You are cruel, Twilight. So cruel. Not only have to caught me with my symbolic pants down, but now you wish for me to die instead of lend a helping hoof. I thought you were the Princess of Friendship, were you not?”

“My job description never included watching you masturbate, Discord.”

“The only problem, I’m afraid,” he said slowly, “is that if I stop or fail to finish, that black hole at the very center of me will not only swallow me whole, but all of Equestria with it.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.”

“Then take every one of the ponies watching me now. They can’t turn away even if they tried. That is part of the draconequus curse, and I am not lying about the rest.” He leaned forward on the bench, swapping his tail for both hands stroking all the way near his balls to the very tip of his dotted head. “Either you let me finish by myself for however long it takes—effectively dooming every pony here in Ponyville—or you be a pal and lend a helpful hoof. Or two! Two would be better!”

Twilight was unmoved. “If there’s such a curse, then why could my friends and I look away from your act?”

“Because as impossible as it may seem, all of you Elements of Harmony are somehow stronger than my dick.”

For the longest time, Twilight Sparkle wondered about all the things she would have rather been doing at that moment. Mowing the lawn. Taking out the trash. Doing the dishes. Taking a cold shower. Dying her hair green. Eating a bowl of tacks. (The list only grew worse from there.)

She said flatly, “So either you stop what you’re doing and the entire world is sucked into a black hole, or you finish on your own and every pony watching you likely dies. Or you finish sooner and everyone lives, effectively requiring me or someone else to help jerk you off until completion. At minimum, sixty strokes per minute.”

Discord thought it over. “Yes. I think you’ve summed it up nicely.” He smiled at her. “So what do you say, friend? Not to sound melodramatic, but the fate of all of Equestria rests in your gentle hooves. Ready to save the world for the sixth or seventh time?”

For close to forty seconds she regarded the lithe draconequus and his flapping, thick member. Deep inside her head she remembered each exciting battle between a foe that appeared beyond beatable. Now she was being asked to beat away at another nemesis of Equestria. But wasn’t there someone else who could take the reigns on such a predicament?

As though she were chewing on something bitter, she finally said, “Before I do anything I’m bound to regret, Discord, let me go see if Fluttershy’s home.”

Author's Note

Nope

“Why are you both walking so slowly? We have to hurry! He might be in pain! He might be wondering where I am! He might be doing both at the same time and if I know him well enough he doesn’t like multitasking all that much!”

Fluttershy hovered a few meters off the ground, anxiously dashing a few flaps ahead before turning back to glare at the two steadily trotting ponies following behind her. When her latest batch of words did little to speed them along, she swooped down to liberally nudge at their backsides.

As loud as her pained voice would go, Fluttershy yelled, “Discord’s in trouble and you two are acting as though it’s no big deal! We need to hurry!”

For the twelfth time in less than four minutes, Twilight and Rarity exchanged heated glances; daring the other to add more specifics to the predicament they had original presented to the pegasus. At the base of the yellow mare’s cozy cabin they had started out strong, saying Discord was in trouble and that all of Equestria hung precariously in the balance. Yet neither of the pair could quite summon up the particular words to help distinguish what kind of help he was in need of.

And since leaving her home, they had said not another word.

“Ow!” Twilight cried, as Rarity shoved a bony leg into her rips for the seventh or so time. “Stop that! You’re going to give me a bruise soon, Rarity!”

The white unicorn leaned in closer to her, the part of her face watching Fluttershy make hurried circles in the air forcing a smile as fake as a three bit coin. She whispered, “Then you need to tell her exactly what’s going on before she gets there. How do you think she’s going to react in the face off… well, that exposed monstrosity.”

Twilight grew pale at the thought, also from the notion of breaking down the situation to such an innocent soul as Fluttershy. “But she takes care of creatures for a living, right? And Discord’s a friend so… she might if we ask, right? Maybe?”

Rarity glared at her. “That’s a big maybe, darling. Here, let me help.” She craned her neck towards Fluttershy. “Fluttershy! Twilight has something important to tell you!”

Twilight blanched at Rarity. “You bi—”

But already her vision was covered whole by the distressed pegasus. “What’s happened, Twilight? Has he gotten worse? Are we too late? Should I go back for more blankets? Does he need a tourniquet? Does he need honey for his throat? Does he have an unset stomach and needs me to rub his belly until he feels better? Oh please, Twilight, please tell me what’s going on!”

Twilight shut her eyes for a moment—imagining punching Rarity in her smug face until it wasn’t so smug anymore. “Okay, Fluttershy. The truth is Discord’s in trouble.”

Fluttershy flew up until she was mere inches from her nose. “Yes! Yes!”

“And he needs a very special kind of help.”

“Yes! Yes!”

“A very… personal type of help.”

“Yes! And?”

“And if he doesn’t receive it in time or correctly, he might die along with everyone else in Equestria.”

Twilight’s mane fell to her face as a gust of wind ruffled it thoroughly. With a leg she parted the frayed mess and scanned the empty dirt road. “Fluttershy?” There was not a trace of her friend, besides the faint outline of a yellow and pink blur somewhere far in the distance.

“That was your plan?” Rarity scrunched her face at her. “Get her so riled up she’d dart ahead of us? What’s she going to think when she gets there? I doubt that sweet, sensitive soul has ever even seen a penis, let alone a draconequus one, and now her mind’s going to snap in half simply from the sight alone. We should have told her exactly what was happening and then given her time to digest the oddity of it all. I know I still am. And I still don’t understand everything.”

Twilight stared at her friend with tired eyes, hopeful that they’d still be friends when this all blew over. “Rarity, with all due respect: shut up and run with me.”

So the two friends galloped ahead in the meek task of salvaging Fluttershy’s innocence.

***

“Where is she? I can’t see her through the crowd.”

Twilight parted a few dozen shocked gawkers with her horn, trying to clear a path to the bench of indecency. Before she could tell who was around it, Pinkie Pie came bouncing towards them.

“This is a great turnout, isn’t it?” She actually looked pleased.

Twilight hurriedly scanned the dozens of new attendees. “Pinkie! You were supposed to cordon off the area, not announce it to everyone! Now there are more trapped ponies than before—so much innocence lost in a single day!”

Pinkie seemed unperturbed. “So your plan was to put me in charge of shushing up a get-together and not instead making it bigger and better than ever? You really picked the wrong pony for the task, Twilight.”

Twilight glimpsed the steady blue sky. The lazy clouds and the far away lands she had read about but never dared venture to. She had wings now, so she could fly wherever she wished whenever she wanted. At that moment, if she really felt the push, she could have risen up into the air and never returned, and instead left the situation for the rest of the gang. The idea sounded tempting—oh, oh so very tempting—but she’d never forgive herself if she left the hundreds of watchers and possibly the fate of all of Equestria in the hoofs of others, especially when she had been appointed the responsibility.

Nevertheless she really hated her friends that day.

She put a hoof to her temple. “What do you mean you made it bigger and better than ever?”

Pinkie smiled brightly at the idyllic thought. “Oh, you know. Just some simple things to help spice up the show—if you hadn’t noticed, it’s a little bit repetitive! And yet still quite the crowd pleaser! I put stage lights to either sides of the bench. A fog machine in back for when it gets dark and we can try for a spooky-type theme. A called a DJ sometime ago but they haven’t gotten back to me yet. They only told me to stop prank calling them and then hung up. So I called again and again and again and again—”

Someone was tugging on Twilight’s shoulder.

“Twilight! Look!” Rarity screamed. “We’re too late!”

The crowd had parted and now Twilight had a clear vision of the bench at the center of it all. Discord still sat where he was, single hand busy while his other hand played a small travel-sized videogame. A small brown colt sat a few ponies away, crying while he watched him work. The most horrific sight of all was from the yellow pegasus that stood as still as a statue right in front. Even from that distance Twilight could tell her hair had lost most of its body, falling flat to her shoulders and back.

“Fluttershy!” she yelled, galloping over.

She came to her side and regarded the shocked mare, whose eyes focused on the disgusting act in front of her without any acknowledgment it was occurring at all. Already she had mumbled something, but the noise from Pinkie Pie’s immense speakers to both sides of the bench (some kind of techno remix, she thought) drowned out any such semblance.

“Fluttershy, I’m so sorry,” she began. “We tried to tell you before but neither of us had the courage to completely explain what was going on. You see, supposedly draconequus’ need to ‘vent’ once ever hundred years, and if they don’t, then they can doom all of Equestria by not finishing. There’s more to it than that, but we thought since you take care of animals every day—and seem to be the closest to Discord on a personal level—you might help him along the way. I know we’re asking a lot, Fluttershy, but—”

“Nope.”

Twilight saw Fluttershy’s mouth move but couldn’t be completely certain of what she had said. She leaned in closer. “What did you say?”

“Nope.”

Twilight lowered to the ground, honestly deflated. “I understand, Fluttershy. It’s a lot to ask of you—of anyone, really. I’m sorry we didn’t fill you in earlier. Are you okay?”

“Nope.”

With rising worry, Twilight crossed over to the front of her friend, completely blocking out the continuing slap-show behind her. Fluttershy’s vision only remained where it had been, every few seconds blinking lazily, her mouth hanging limp.

With trepidation, Twilight asked, “Is something wrong, Fluttershy?”

“Nope.”

“Do you want me to take you home?”

“Nope.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Nope.”

Twilight fanned a leg in front of her. “Can you say anything besides ‘nope,’ Fluttershy?”

“Nope.”

Rarity finally entered the odd little scene. “What’s wrong with her?”

Twilight sat on the ground. “I don’t know. She keeps on saying ‘nope’ and won’t budge from the spot. She won’t even look anywhere else.”

“Could it be the draconequus’ curse?” Rarity interjected.

“He said it doesn’t affect Element bearers, if anything he says is true.”

Rarity came closer to glimpse the poor mare. “Then I think the sight alone broke her completely, Twilight. She wasn’t ready for this. She’d never be ready for this! We were foolish for dragging her along—she’s too innocent for such things!”

“Nope,” Fluttershy mumbled.

“Fluttershy?” Rarity asked. “Fluttershy, darling, can you hear me? Are you all right?”

“Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope…”

Lazily, Fluttershy’s wings scooped against the air, steadily dragging her upward. While her body remained rigid in place, her wings carried her up and away, all while she continued to mumble, “Nope,” a hundred times over. Thirty-seconds later she was out of sight, leaving Twilight and Rarity to contemplate their bleak situation by themselves.

Twilight couldn’t help but glimpse the sky for her friend. “What happened to her?”

“She just literally ‘noped’ herself from the situation,” Rarity answered. “Something I wish I had thought of hours ago.” She sighed. “Well now what, Twilight? She was our best bet and even a thin one at that.”

Twilight thought for a moment. “Let me talk with the master of ceremonies again.”

***

Since she’d last seen the busy draconequus, Pinkie Pie had outfitted him with a red and white Hearts Warming Eve hat as well as a number of gaudy pink necklaces. Somehow he even had a black sports-coat on, even though Twilight was not about to press for details describing how Pinkie somehow got it on him while he continuously needed a hand to spare.

“We need to talk,” she started thickly.

Discord lowered his game system. “Hello, Twilight. You find someone to help me with my needs, or are you only waiting for every pony in Ponyville to come watch the act?”

“This ends now, Discord!”

“Does it?” He smiled at her. “Great! Then come on down and give us a hoof! I bet you’ve read a book or two on the subject!”

Once again, Twilight blocked out the near-mesmerizing sight below with a leg. “I’m not touching anything, Discord! But I do have alternatives. You said this only ends when you finish, whether by yourself or by someone else. Well… I elect to use magic to end this right this very minute!” She angled her horn towards him, small sparks already building around it. “When this spell is through with you, you won’t want to touch yourself for another thousand years! You might have wasted everyone’s time up until now, but I’m ending this without your consent or approval.” She gritted her teeth together. “I’d grab hold of something, Discord. This might be a little… painful.”

Yawning, Discord scratched the inside of his ear before flinging a ball of wax at a nearby horror-struck pony. Eventually he rolled his eyes and said, “I wouldn’t be too hasty if I were you, Twilight.”

“And why’s that?” she said, still charging her horn.

“Because even I don’t know what’ll happen if magic is used to finish the job. We draconequus are mysterious creatures—there is still much to learn and much to unlearn. Say what you try works: congratulations. But say it backfires and you send all of Equestria into a blackened void instead, Princess? Wouldn’t your face be red? Or blue. Or non-existent, because you’d be dead and all that. But if you still think this is the best course of action, fire when ready. I can only hope my prostate can heal itself in time…”

For a moment longer Twilight continued to charge her horn, set and determined to end all this nonsense and get back home to her exciting read. Yet to act impulsively would be unlike her, especially when the entire world rested on her shoulders. And wasn’t there still time to figure a few more things out?

Discord’s smirk reemerged. “Or Twilight Sparkle, you cut to the bittersweet ending and face your problems head on—tackle them with both hooves leading the charge. I know in the past you’ve been known to…” He stopped in mid-sentence, switched hands and drank from a cup of punch that Pinkie must have left for him some time ago. With a resplendent sigh he finished the drink and said, “…swallow your pride from time to time.”

For the second time that morning, Twilight Sparkle thought of all the creations in the universe—the untold planets and aliens that might exist just beyond their world. She thought of the research she could have been conducting into such things and the leaps in academic study she could have been providing for the betterment of all pony-kind, right at that moment. And yet instead of any of that, she was now asked for the second time to help jerk off a draconequus… right in front of everyone in town.

She said sheepishly, “Let’s me quickly see what Applejack’s up to.”

Author's Note

Forty Foot Pole

Although Applejack’s single brow edged towards her hat a few more times than usual, she handled the news far better than the (still missing) Fluttershy. After the sordid story was out in the open and had time to breathe, Applejack took off her hat and took a long drink from a pail of water left sitting by the porch.

“I…” she began, before going for another drink.

Rarity nudged Twilight. “I hope we didn’t break her, too.”

Twilight disagreed. “Applejack’s stronger than that. If she can help and if she wants to help, she’ll do it. I know she will.”

Finally donning her trademark hat again, Applejack sighed dourly and said, “Since you are both my friends and since it’s my Element and all, I’ll shoot straight with you. I wouldn’t touch that draconequus’ dirty bits with a forty foot pole covered in applesauce. I didn’t like that trickster to begin with and ever since that whole ‘blue-flu’ incident, I’d rather kick him the balls than help him get off. I’m sorry girls, but you’ll have to find someone else to do your dirty work.”

Twilight slowly lowered her head. “We understand, Applejack. We’ll think of some—”

“Well I certainly don’t understand the big deal!” Rarity trumpeted suddenly, glaring at them both. “Applejack, what is it you do all day besides touch and fondle gross things? Keep your hooves in the mud and manure all while you milk some cows? All we’re asking is that you help milk something… that isn’t a cow. And one that doesn’t shoot milk.”

Instantly Applejack grew red and tightened her jaw. “So that’s just it, is it? You two are too good to go off whacking magical creatures but when you think of simple ol’ Applejack, you suddenly think she loves fondling disgusting things!” She took a step towards them. “You two are just so full of yourselves, aren’t you? If it’s a matter of life and death for everyone ever, then why don’t you go do it then?”

Rarity rubbed at a leg, then said tentatively, “Because you have the most experience not giving a crap what ponies think about you.”

The earth pony stared at her gravely. “If you say another word, Rarity, I’m gonna smack you so hard I’ll end up with mane dye all over my hooves.”

Rarity was awestruck. “Dye! What dye, you heathen?”

In a single pounce, Applejack launched herself on top of the screaming unicorn, a mini dust storm following their row. Twilight took a few steps back, keeping her distance, before a small colorful sight in the sky nibbled at her attention.

“Girls! Girls!” she yelled out.

An instant later the storm came to a halt, a dirty Rarity now sitting atop an still average looking Applejack. “Can’t you see we’re in the middle of discussing our problems, Twilight?”

Still glimpsing the sky, Twilight hopped over and whispered, “I have an idea. So play along and none of us might need to do anything, all right?”

The two arguing friends exchanged worrying glances, slowly uncoupling themselves to stand beside Twilight. “So what’s the plan, Twi?” asked Applejack. “Who’s gullible enough to give Discord a hoofjob in the middle of town?”

Twilight watched the blue pegasus lazily circle around the sunny sky, dipping in and out of puffy clouds. “Hey, Rainbow Dash!” she called. “Hey, come down here for a second!”

A moment later, a bolt of multi-colored light hit the ground ahead of them and Rainbow Dash blew at a bit of mane left over her eyes. “Hey guys, what’s going on? You all hanging out and didn’t invite me?” She smiled at them.

All three tried their best to genuinely smile back. At the time it was a tall task.

“You like competitions, right Rainbow?” Twilight started.

“Of course I do!” the pegasus answered without hesitation. “My favorite part is when I beat off everyone else that tries to win before I do! I’m just the best at everything!”

Mentally, Twilight wanted to dunk her friend’s head in the pail of water for such unnecessary showboating, but there would be time for such things after the day came to a close. “Are you now?” she cooed. “Because I think Applejack might have you beat for once.”

Rainbow Dash became agitated. “What? How? No way!”

“Isn’t that right, Applejack?”

Twilight turned to the cowgirl, pleading eyes right above a worn smile.

“Darn right!” Applejack began, as she glimpsed everything besides the anxious pegasus. “I’m pretty sure I got the best score… or fasted time… or more points than any pony, playing this particular game that has so far been left unmentioned…”

Rarity sidled up to wrap a leg around Applejack’s neck. “Doesn’t she already look twenty-percent cooler, Rainbow? Her time was so good, I don’t even know if you could beat it.”

The multi-color pegasus was nearly fuming now. “I could beat anything you beat! Any time, any where, all day long! Just point me in the right direction and I’ll beat it until it’s sore!”

“Great!” exclaimed Rarity. “Then you won’t have any trouble jerking Discord off in the middle of Ponyville! Applejack’s original time was… let’s say two minutes and fourteen seconds. If you can beat it faster than that… you get a trophy or something. We’ll iron out the finalities later.”

All of Rainbow’s original excitement seeped from her face, her eyes bulging until they appeared the size of dinner plates. “I thought you said this was a competition...”

Rarity’s strained eyes found Twilight’s, urging her to help move things along. Twilight took a breath and placed a hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder. “But it is! You’ve never heard about ‘The Hoofjob Games’?”

Rainbow’s face grew a few shades lighter blue. “Should I have?”

“Of course you should have, darling!” Rarity cut in happily. “It’s sweeping the nation, right this very minute! Already hundreds have gathered to watch the event, and this year Discord’s the judge! The competition may be fierce, Rainbow, but I have no doubt you’ll knock it right out of the park, just like always!” She stumbled for words. “There’s even punch! You like punch!”

A visibly sick Rainbow eyed the ground wearily. “I do like punch… but I really don’t like everything else you’ve mentioned up until now. I thought you meant an aerial challenge, or a race, or rock climbing. Not… that.”

Rarity shoved Applejack towards her. “Don’t you want to beat Applejack’s score, Rainbow? You’d be the talk of the town for years to come, I’m sure.”

Only a few inches from her clearly repulsed friend, Applejack’s entire face flushed red.

Rainbow asked her, “Did you really whack off Discord for some competition, AJ?”

Twilight watched as Applejack’s pupils dilated and a small portion of her soul become unhinged from the rest of her. Even if Discord wasn’t present at the time, he’s actions were slowly destroying the very innocence of every friend she had. If it continued much longer, his selfish masturbation act could very well end the Elements for good. And to think he had done it all singlehandedly…

Applejack said monotone, “Yes. Yes, I did do that thing they said I did.”

For a second longer, Rainbow Dash stared at the ground, slowly nodding along with the new details. Then she raised her head, “Well that’s too bad then. Because I wouldn’t touch that thing with a forty foot pole covered in Daring Do books.”

Twilight took a step towards her. “Is it because it’s Discord?”

“No,” she answered. “It’s because I don’t touch penises. Ever. Never have and never will.” She hastily smiled at them again. “Well, it’s been weird. Bye!” Then she blasted off into the sky, not taking a single second to look back; a grey mare in her path almost knocked out from the air by her speed.

For close to a minute each of the three remaining friends regarded the others, unsure of how exactly to proceed. Applejack was the first to speak. “Should we… should we talk about what Rainbow just said… about—”

Rarity shook her head. “No. No, I think we should all just press on and forget she said anything. We still have a penis in the middle of Ponyville that needs tending to and neither of us is willing to help reach its conclusion. There’s still time, but we need to think, and—”

“Wait!” Applejack cried. “Where in Ponyville did this all start?”

“In the center of the market square,” Twilight said. “Why Applejack?”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed as a lone tumbleweed blew across the grass behind her. “Because Big Mac and Apple Bloom went there to sell apples this morning and still haven’t come back. That could only mean…”

Twilight whispered, “Oh Celestia no. Not Apple Bloom too.”

A hard edge of grit entered the cowgirl. “Someone get me my lasso and work gloves. I’ve got a draconequus to tame.” She rethought for a second. “And maybe a bucket or two.”

***

“Apple Bloom! Apple Bloom, can you hear me?”

By the time they arrived back in the center of Ponyville, the sun had begun dropping from the sky. Street lamps surrounding the little circle of markets lit up with a warm glow, as it gave a shine to the hundreds of stock still ponies continually staring in the same direction. Pinkie Pie’s normal sized speakers had been replaced by a far larger set, blasting out random blips, heavy bass, and not much else. The white unicorn behind the controls only silently sobbed behind her two turntables. Pinkie must have eventually convinced her to come—omitting the terrible detail that whoever ventured there would remain in place until everything came to a close. Even if by then it felt to Twilight as though it never would.

Rarity and Twilight stood a few paces behind Applejack, who was busy prodding the unmoving body of Apple Bloom. Like the rest, she was mumbling something out of earshot, as her expanding eyes took in what they shouldn’t have seen until many years later—or perhaps never at all.

Applejack turned back to them. “We can’t leave her like this! This is bound to rot her brain and give her nightmares for years! We have to do something!”

Pinkie Pie bounced towards her and gave a hug that wasn’t returned. “Applejack! I’m so glad you came! Did you get the invitation I sent you?”

Twilight grimaced. “You sent out invitations? To the one thing that no one should bare witness to?”

“Of course, silly!” she answered unperturbed. “This is the best turnout for anything ever and everyone’s having a great time! Right Cheerliee?”

Everyone turned to the poor schoolteacher, as a single tear leaked down her frozen face. She whispered, “Judgment day has come and I am not prepared…”

Pinkie Pie smiled. “See!”

The rest ignored her latest antics and returned to the unflinching Apple Bloom. A moment later Rarity reentered the scene with a brown paper bag in tow. “Put this over her head. I snatched it from another stall.”

She hoofed it to Applejack who slid it over her sister’s head. “I’m sorry, sis. But it’s for your own good.” Then she took a step away. “Does anyone have a marker? I want to be completely sure Apple Bloom’s not enjoying a single second of this.”

“Oh! Me, me, me!” Pinkie shook her elastic mane and a black felt-tip pen flew out.

Applejack placed it in her mouth and drew a sad caricature of her sister’s face on the outside of the bag. “There. One problem solved.”

“Aren’t you going to help your brother, too?” asked Twilight.

Applejack thought about it. “Nah. He ate the last piece of pie the other night, so he can watch all he wants. And I know he messes with his own noodle enough—this should be nothing new.”

Headed by the cowgirl, all four friends trotted to the center of the square, where the patient Discord sat watching and waiting.

“What a crowd, Pinkie!” he greeted. “I had no idea just how popular I was until today. I’d give you a hand but… well, you know.” He glimpsed the hardened faces glaring back at him. His smile only brightened. “So who’s going to be the lucky gal? Hmm?”

“I am!” Applejack roared. “What you’re doing is despicable, Discord. And what you did to Apple Bloom is perhaps worst of all. How in Equestria is she supposed to comprehend any of this?”

He only shrugged. “I dunno. Tell her it’s filled with apple cider or something.”

Applejack grit her teeth together. “I would never besmirch the good name of apples, Discord. You should know that.”

The draconequus yawned and brought a hand to his mouth. “All this talk is getting boring. You going to help me out or have a picnic first? All this hand moving does take a bit of concentration, you know.”

The earth pony smirked. “I’ll help you out, all right. But I don’t think you’ll like it all that much.”

Discord raised a single finger, before pointing it at his dick. “Remember now. If this thing gets below sixty strokes per minute, you’re going to see some serious stuff. I wouldn’t be too timid if I were you.”

Applejack nodded at the tall creature, any sense of goodnaturedness completely devoid from the mare. “I’ve milked bulls that didn’t want to be milked before; I think I’ll do just fine.” Out of her travel bag she put on a pair of brown working gloves, before settling her lasso on a hoof. Then she spat a wad onto both sets of gloves. “You might wanna bite down on this,” she said, tossing a small branch onto the bench.

With rising apprehension, Discord studied the stick. “And why’s that?”

“Because there’s no way you’re about to enjoy what coming next.”

Author's Note

Climax

“Applejack…” Discord said slowly, his pupils shrinking in the smallest of degrees. “I think you might want to be careful with what you do—”

“No more stalling, Discord!” Applejack yelled. “You wanted this from the beginning and now you’re getting it—perhaps only not as loving as you might have wanted.” With nimble hooves, she began twirling her lasso in the air. “Now bite down on that stick. I don’t want to startle these poor ponies more than you already have.”

Both of Discord’s ears fell flat against his head, an odd amount of unease in his eyes. “Then I’ve changed my mind. I want somebody else. Not you. I—”

“Too bad!” Applejack screamed, lunging her rope at the creature, instantly hooking around a single swinging leg and pulling back with every well toned muscle in her body.

“Ahh!”

With a loud smack, Discord toppled to the ground and before another word could be uttered in defense, Applejack was already on top of him. Both of Applejack’s forelegs turned into a blur as she easily pinned Discord’s legs and arms around his back before tying them tight in a knot. Next she violently bucked him onto his back, a great rush of forced air escaping the startled beast.

“Somebody help me! She’s gone mad with penis envy!” Discord pleaded, with less than stellar results.

“Shush up now!” Applejack spat, standing atop his quivering legs. “You deserve what’s coming. One minute from now it’ll be over and I can go back to hating you more than ever. But until then shut up and deal with it.” She spat onto her gloved pair of hooves again, then mumbled, “Sixty strokes a minute… isn’t that a laugh.”

Tightening every joint in her face, she placed both strong hooves on the draconequus’ twitching member, appearing nearly to crush whatever softness it held. In rough motions she began to bring her stiff hooves up and down, over and again until they merely became a swirl of colors in the air. A bead of sweat already dotted her hairline.

Discord struggled in his knotted hold. “You’re terrible at this! And you’re not playing nice! Too rough! Too rough! Bad touch! Bad touch! I need an adult!”

The cowgirl ignored the cowering creature and rolled her eyes. “I thought I told you to be quiet!” She shuffled herself along his shaft until she sat on his chest. “Now close your eyes and think of mother Equestria.” Then she flipped back her head, letting loose her hat that fell directly over the squirming draconequus’ heated face. Now his loud cries were muffled considerably.

“Come on now! Give up the ghost!” she hollered.

Applejack’s hammer-like strokes latched onto his dick with somehow increasing intensity. There was no love or tenderness in the action—she only wanted out of there and away from this sordid affair; well away from the frightful scene. Twilight could understand.

From underneath her dirty hat, Discord screamed, “Celestia help! They’re not playing nice anymore!”

The alicorn stood next to Rarity and Pinkie Pie. “I almost feel bad for him.”

Rarity huffed. “Well I don’t. It’s what he wanted all along and now it’s what he’s getting. I don’t have a modicum of pity in my entire body for that sick creature. Should Applejack accidentally rip that elongated thing from his body, I believe I’d only sleep better at night.”

Pinkie Pie leapt onto Rarity’s back, a pink foam penis stuck on one hoof. “Go Applejack, go! Tell that big meanie who’s boss!” Next, she bounced towards the working mare, dabbing a towel around her head before shoving a water bottle into her mouth. The slight annoyances did little to sway the concentrating cowgirl.

“Surrender, you pervert!” Applejack spat, increasing her speed as she continued to pin down the struggling draconequus. Already a steam like vapor was drifting out the edges of his shaft.

“No! Noooo!” Discord hollered under the hat, head beating against the dirt while his hips lunged up and down, trying desperately to pry loose the frighteningly vicious cowgirl. “Not like this! Not like this!”

“I think we must be getting close,” Applejack said through bated breathes. “I’m sure gonna sleep well after—”

One harsh buck from below sent the winded mare toppling through the air, crashing a few feet away from the scene. Only a second later did Discord spring to his feet, cowboy hat falling to the dirt while his eyes darted to the splayed mare. Snapping the ropes away, he pointed a sharp finger at her. “Stay away!” he blared, his chin still trembling. “I only have one of these you know, and by the rate you’re going I’ll be bound to have none at all!”

He snapped himself back to his bench and began to gently caress his sore appendage. His wide, fearful eyes slowly scanned the rest of the group, unsure what they were planning on doing. “I only wanted a little help. Not—”

Applejack got back to her hooves before cracking her neck. “I don’t think so, Discord. You’re not getting off that easy!” She lunged for the bench, both forelegs ready and primed for action. A few steps away, the draconequus snapped a protective bubble surrounding him, shutting her out.

“No more from you, dear,” Discord said thickly. “I’d rather shove my dick into a beehive than give you a second shot. You failed, Applejack! I sure hope you’re first colt-friend likes in rough—otherwise I foresee a spinster’s life for you!”

Applejack growled near the edge of the bubble as Twilight came forward. “We gave you what you wanted, Discord,” she said. “So either take it like you should or stop complaining. You were the one that asked for this.”

“Yes, I did,” he said. “Yet stupidly I thought you’d actually act like girls—not rapists.”

Applejack raged. “I am not a rapist!”

Discord waved a hand. “Okay, fine. Attempted rapist. There. Better.”

Applejack fumed while Pinkie Pie bounced towards him. “Did you all forget about little ol’ me! Why has no one asked me yet! I love helping!”

Twilight lowered her head. “This entire time, Pinkie! You would have done it this entire time and you didn’t say anything? What in Equestria were you waiting for?”

“For someone to ask…” Pinkie said sweetly. “Or for the crowd to get to its maximum occupancy level—which it has! And then some!”

Twilight thought about pressing the notion further, but a headache was already well on the horizon. “Fine, whatever. Let’s get this over with.”

With added energy, Pinkie bounced towards the unsure flapping creature.

“I don’t know about this one, either…” Discord said.

From a convenient bush Pinkie plucked out a sundae bar and, with avid interest, surveyed each topping. “So Mr. Discord! What kind of toppings would you like today? Peanuts? Gumdrops? Sprinkles? Caramel? Toffee? Super hot fudge? Cherries?”

Discord’s jaw dropped. “What? Ew! No! Why would I—”

Unperturbed, Pinkie collected an unnatural amount of condiments onto both hooves and trotted closer to him. “I always found hoofjobs boring at best. So I found a way to spice it up! Who’s ready to make a banana split?”

Pinkie collided with the curved bubble, her condiments et al. coating a good portion of herself and the force field. “Hey!” she chirped. “Let me in there this instant!”

Discord appeared on the verge of being sick. “How ‘bout no. You’re weird. Weirder than her somehow.” He motioned to the still-angry Applejack, before eyeing up Twilight and Rarity. “Why can’t any of you simply lend a helping hoof? That’s all I’ve been asking for. You all keep on trying to trick others into doing your dirty work or changing it into things that suit yourself but not me. You must believe me when I say I haven’t done this on purpose—I am as much a victim as the rest of you.” He sighed gravely, glaring at them all. “Is this really how you treat your friends in their time of need? ‘Friendship is Magic?’ At this moment it only seems as though friendship is painful…”

A single tear dripped from his eye, falling to the hand that was still working his shaft. If not for that very glaring detail, the sight might have even been touching.

“Just go away,” he continued. “I don’t want your help. I’ll finish on my own and then move someplace far away from selfish, stingy ponies. Please don’t look upon me with your judgmental eyes any further.”

As the sun finally dipped its way below the horizon, Twilight lowered her head and closed her eyes. It had been a long day—a long, hard day—and now her worst fears had come true. The friendship with the closest ponies around her had been frayed something terrible, and the cataclysmic event that could perchance doom them all was still in full swing. She could not ponder a more drawn out or harrowing battle.

“Discord’s right,” she said softly, lifting her head as the light from a street lamp twinkled in both eyes. “I haven’t been going about this the right way. I don’t think any of us have.” She regarded her friends, who one by one drew closer to her as she spoke. “This wasn’t a task that should have been shoehorned to another—or twisted or coerced or tricked to seem like something else. We all know it’s wrong.” She casually glimpsed the hurried eagle’s claw against the floppy member. “It’s very, very, very, very wrong. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t important, especially if it means the survival of everyone we’ve ever known or will know. Sometimes doing what’s right can’t always seem or feel right—but being a hero is more than just what others think of you. At the end of the day all that matters is that those that truly care about us still do.” She scanned the eyes of each one of her friends; all curious and waiting. “Like every battle we’ve fought before, we should tend to this latest one the same: as one unstoppable team. What could work better than four sets of hooves against one opponent? So with that said, who will join with me?”

She smiled at them all, a gentle breeze blowing across her mane. In her head she could almost see the conclusion already—friends becoming friends again and saying goodbye to the whole grueling ordeal. The town would be freed and the next day the four of them would be thanked instead of shunned, for they had saved them all when no others could. As much as she tried to deny it, Twilight was nearly humming her own triumphant score that she always heard when they waged war against a monster.

Rarity was the first to break the silence. “You’re right, Twilight.”

The alicorn’s heart became a flutter.

Rarity grimaced. “It is very wrong and nothing you’ve said can change that. What will ponies in Canterlot think if I dare touch that?” She shook her head. “Sorry, but you’re on your own. And if you actually touch that, I wouldn’t bother calling. Ew!”

As Twilight’s shimmering eyes bulged from complete lack of understanding, Rarity skipped out of the scene and away in the dark. A lump had already begun forming in the middle of Twilight’s throat.

Applejack wrapped a leg around her. “Don’t worry, Twilight. I won’t think anything different of you.”

“Thanks Apple—”

“Because I still think you and Rarity are a bunch of highfalutin stuck-up ponies!” Applejack released the shocked Twilight to glare down at her. “First you try and convince me to do your dirty work and then when I say no, you then tell me it’s what I was made to do!”

“I didn’t say that! Rarity did!”

Applejack narrowed her eyes. “But I bet you were thinking it! And then when I actually try and help everyone out of this—does anyone bother to thank me?”

Now it was Twilight’s turn to get mad. “But you almost pulled his dick off!”

“And you were expecting me to go soft on that creep?”

Twilight stopped to breathe. “Applejack… please…”

“Ah go finish the chore yourself, Princess,” she spat at her. “Might do you some good to learn not to be all high and mighty all the time.”

With that out of her system, the cowgirl trotted from the marketplace, but not before adding another bag atop her little sister’s head near the edge of the square. Twilight, meanwhile, collapsed on the ground, shaken to the core. Only once she glimpsed the edges of her last friend’s hooves did she look up. Unsurprisingly, Pinkie Pie didn’t seem as characteristically happy as usual.

Twilight nearly pleaded, “But Pinkie, we never asked you to do anything!”

“I know!” she shouted back. “Not only was that rude, but not a single one of you complimented me on the best party I’ve ever thrown!” She snorted out confetti and bitterly bounced out from view behind her, the earth breaking under each step.

Only a few seconds later did the tears well up in both eyes, before they cascaded down her cheeks. Twilight hitched in a breath and moaned silently. Things couldn’t possibly get any worse, could they?

“Oh Princess? You-who?”

Wait a second. Of course they could.

“Now’s not a great time, Discord,” Twilight answered thickly. “If you hadn’t noticed, all of my friends just made it clear how much they hate each other and me.”

Discord giggled lightly. “Yes, yes, I did see that. But that doesn’t stop the ticking time bomb sitting directly in my lap from posing a threat. And since you appear to be the last pony standing…” She could almost hear the edges of his grin tickling his eyebrows.

Twilight sighed and tried to fathom a reason to turn around and walk away from it all. Yet since receiving her wings and new title, she now had to care about more than what she wanted—no matter how much it might hurt at the time. And honestly, how could she possibly feel any lower than now?

Begrudgingly she climbed to her hooves and steadily made her way to the bench. Keeping her eyes to the ground, she could only make out a faint blur of draconequus along with his unnatural bits. She said dourly, “Try to be quick, okay?”

He giggled again. “I’ll try my best, Twilight.”

Not wanting to leave the warm—and far less embarrassing—confines near her body, Twilight's right foreleg shook minutely as she slowly inched it towards Discord’s thick and long privates. Already something acidy was biting at the back of her throat, as her poor innocent hoof grew only inches from it.

“There you go,” he said. “Almost there.”

Her single hoof met his heated shaft and Twilight was almost taken back by its softness. She felt the gentle pulse from his heart as well as the rough work his single hand was doing to the other side of his penis. Eventually she even opened her eyes fully and finally stared at the instrument of destruction that had ruined her day wholly and thoroughly. Up close and now touching the damn thing, it suddenly wasn’t as scary as her mind had made it out to be. Sure, she was a Princess at heart—always would be—but she had touched a few stallions in the past, so what was so different about this one exactly? As long as she didn’t look up to view precisely who it was connected to.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Twilight added her second hoof to the equation, bringing them first up and then quickly back down. One stroke done, she thought. Now that only leaves several hundred more. “This isn’t so bad,” she mumbled, a split second before Discord ejaculated all over her.

***

Twilight Sparkle glimpsed herself in her childhood home, years and years ago. Both of her wonderful parents were there, and she was busy sitting atop her Daddy’s back as he galloped around the room—giggling endlessly. It was a moment she knew very well; the first few hours after becoming Celestia’s personal understudy. All three of them had been over the moon about the news, Twilight most of all. Although the news itself was exciting beyond compare, it was the smiles on her parents’ faces that created perhaps the most joyful memory in her life.

It was warm there. It was safe. It was happiness itself. So why was someone trying so hard to tug her away from it?

“Equestria to Twilight Sparkle? Hello?”

No. No, please, she thought. I don’t want to go back there.

“Want me to summon a towel or something?”

Why can’t I be in a coma? Please let me slip into one! Please let a rock fall from the sky and crush my skull and then I can come back to this wonderful memory and not have to leave it so—

The galloping of hundreds of hooves pulled her awake. What sealed the deal was the overwhelming cool and sticky substance that coated nearly her entire body. With rising horror she brought a trembling hoof to her face and found it covered with a multicolored goo she oddly thought resembled Zap Apple jam. Even the few drops that fell between her lips tasted as such (she would have many questions to ask Granny Smith when this was all over…).

Already standing a top the anguished pony was Discord, stretching out his back in long, exaggerated motions. Any hint of working genitalia on the tall creature had already been removed. “My oh my, Twilight!” he erupted happily. “I had no idea you were so gifted!”

Twilight watched the hundreds of recently freed terrified ponies gallop in all directions—some away from the market square and some merely in circles. Small fruit stands were overturned and more than a dozen tearstained muzzles collided with others.

She finally looked up at him. “You couldn’t have warned me?”

“Oh no, no, my dear girl,” he teased. “That was just the icing on the cake! You truly think getting my rocks off was the only goal of the day?”

“But…” Twilight started, her eyes growing wide even as his gooey seed trickled down the sides of her head. “No… no!”

He grinned devilishly. “Yes. I said it was a hundred and six years ago that this last occured. Where was I exactly a hundred and six years ago? I was in stone you moron!” He giggled playfully. “I might have been rock hard but I wasn’t that kind of rock hard!”

He waited for her to laugh but only found her nearly hyperventilating. He waved his hand.

“I’m sure you’ll find it funny eventually,” he continued. “And what about that draconequus curse? Nothing more than a sight-spell on those with lesser minds. You think I don’t pull on this magnificent beast more than once every hundred years? I have needs, Twilight Sparkle. Just like everyone else.” He began circling the cold and wet alicorn. “Now here comes the best part—the only part that matters. Tell me, Twilight, where exactly have your friends gone to? Shouldn’t they be here in your time of need? Oh that’s right! They hate you and everyone else in your little exclusive Elements club, don’t they now? Pity how that happened, am I right?”

He raised both hands into the air, changing the blank night sky into a ravenous thunderstorm in mere seconds. Next fell the rain along with the cats and dogs.

He said somberly, “I’ve done my waiting, Princess. I’ve been good and pleasant for long enough. And now that the Elements have disbanded, why not a nice reign of chaos for the rest of your days?” He then tilted his head back and laughed until it seemed as though the sky itself were emitting his haunting tone.

Twilight, meanwhile, could only shake and shutter and wonder how it had all come out so wrong. Then Discord leaned over her ear.

“Looks as though my dick was stronger than the Elements of Harmony.”

EPILOUGE

Dear Whoever Should Find This Letter,

It has been fourteen months since Discord’s latest attack on Equestria and the Elements are still shattered abound. I, Twilight Sparkle, am in the midst of leading an uprising against the draconequus usurper. The pegasus Rainbow Dash has also joined my cause, but I sometimes wonder if she’s only here because of the things that go on in our bed at night. (Although I am not altogether on the same page as her, I worry any un-continued fornication would result in her unwillingness to help.) Last I heard Rarity the snob had become Queen of the underground Diamond Dogs, while Applejack had turned her farm into a makeshift fortress. I can only assume each one of her ration containers has a bright picture of apples on the front. (I shudder while picturing the thousands of stored tins.) The last we heard of Fluttershy, she was currently passing over the mountains overlooking the Crystal Empire—still muttering “nope” while eating bits of grass and not much else. Sadly, it only took a single round of ice cream snowballs to convince Pinkie Pie the side of chaos was the way to go. Truthfully, I have very little hope of organizing the Elements again. But perhaps there is hope in you.

While that bleak day has come to be known to some as “Operation Whack-Attack” or even “Operation Jackhammer”, I have held the moral high-ground and have come to refer to it as “Operation Masterstroke”. (I am still confused as to why some still laugh at that one.) Either way, Discord’s successful destruction of the Elements due to the manipulation of his dirty bits has shown me that he has upped his game since last we spared. Next time, I will not give him time to trick or coerce. So if this letter reaches a new hope in ten or even a thousand years, remember that nothing Discord says can be believed. Especially in regards to his penis.

Truly, looking back on that fateful day, we honestly all should have seen it coming. I know I did, yet sadly only at the very last second.

Wishing you better days,

Princess Twilight Sparkle