You can't milk a card, but you can sure as hell milk the money!
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You can't milk a card, but you can sure as hell milk the money!
Said frowned as he felt himself being tossed up from his driverside seat in the bandwagon. The road below them wasn’t what he’d been expecting from magical ponies. Potholes were everywhere, and the constant bumps almost made Said forget about his starving stomach.
Glaring at his business partner who was driving the wagon, he tried to holding back a lecture on how to slow down. How could I let myself follow him? I’ve got nothing but an empty stomach and barren wallet.
A few moments later, the annoying clanking of glassware in the back grew too much for him to take. He glanced over his shoulder only to be met by the eyes of the two idiots they picked up down the dirt path. “Keep it down back there!”
They just sat there, mixing random colors of kool-aid into different beakers and test tubes. Said tried to talk to them when they were packing their stuff inside the bandwagon, next to his mandolin, but the only thing they ever said back to him was, “Turn dem peopless into poness.” He quickly decided that they had brain issues.
Another pothole in the road caused Said to momentarily jump out of his seat. “Jesus, Fred!” he said, “Watch out for God sake! I don’t want to die before getting there!”
Fred laughed. “We got to get there fast, my friend! Our new fortune awaits us in that small town!”
“That’s what you said about the pizzeria!” Said crossed his arms. “What made you think that selling them more anatomonics, when there was already about ten people already doing it, was going to be a good idea?”
“I’ll admit that that was a stupid idea, and was in no way going to get us even close to the amount of money we wanted.” A grain sneaked its way onto his face as he turned to face Said. “But this is going to be gold, I swear.”
Said rolled his eyes. “I have no clue how you expect to get anywhere with no product. These ponies are going to laugh us out of town.”
“Ha! That’s where you’re wrong!” Fred reached into his pocket and pulled out a small deck of cards. He extended his arm and motioned for Said to take them.
“Cards…?” Said asked skeptically as he grabbed them. Sliding the first card of the top of the deck and reading it, Said let out a sigh. “Really? These are those dumb cards from the pizzeria's gift shop.”
Fred’s grin grew larger as he wiped the oxen pulling the wagon. “I spent all last night thinking up a way to get rich. Then it hit me! Why don’t we just sell them something that’s already out there doing well? We’ll just say it’s ours!”
“That’s an awful idea! No-one’s going to want to play a game that consist of matching up cards!” Said could almost hear the laughing of the ponies. He winced as he remembered how badly it ended last time and how badly he imagined it’d be this time.
“Look!” Fred pointed up the road where he could see the colorful buildings of Ponyville appearing in the distance. He whipped the oxen harder before grabbing the deck of cards from Said. “It’s time to sell like you’ve never sold before, Said!”
Said felt his stomach turn as they approached the town. They’re going to kill us! We’re going to be destroyed by superior products!
Fred pulled into the town at a breakneck speed. Conversations were cut short as the sound of a blaring horns, and ringing bells from the wagon. Said always hated how Fred liked to create a scene before selling, but he was so hungry that he didn’t even care. Selling anything would mean food, and that’s all that mattered.
They came to a halt in the middle of the town, and before the ponies even had time to react to the multiple smashed vendor stalls, Fred shut off the horn and stood up.
“Hello there, Ponyville!” He waved his hands in the air trying to get their attention. “My name is Fred, and do I have something for you today!”
A small crowd of of ponies gathered around to bandwagon as Fred made sure to yell even louder. “Are you sick of playing boring card games? Are you sick of it not being very fun?”
“I like card games…” a voice spoke up from the crowned.
Fred pointed at the pony. “Yes, exactly! That’s why you’ll love this new game!” He pulled out the stack of cards from his pocket. “This is the best thing you’ll ever play in your life, I guarantee it!”
“I love being guaranteed things!” another member of the growing crowd said.
Said could barely believe his ears. He always thought that Fred was literally the worst salesman of the planet. But they were eating up every word he said like it was candy!
Fred threw the stack of cards into the air. They scattered in the wind before falling down like snowflakes to the huge crowed below them. Silence filled the air as Fred held his breath. The reaction will make us or break us, he thought.
A giggle, soft but adable, resonated from the crowed. Said stood up from his seat after hear the noise. By god, he thought in amazement as pony began laughing uncontrollably. This is going to work…
“African children!” one pony laughed with his friend as they matched their cards up.
“Haha! Horse meat is the the autistic kid’s new hat!” another pony blurted out.
“That makes no sense…”
“Who cares! It’s offensive!”
Said moved in behind Fred and patted him on the back. He could tell that Fred was enjoying every bit of the spotlight, and Said didn’t blame him one bit.
“Fred, you’re a genius!” Said whispered into his ear.
A broad smile formed on Fred’s face as the laughter of the ponies grew even louder. “I know I am! Why did you ever doubt me?”
“What’s th-this game c-called? I’d love t-to buy it!” a pony said between laughing fits.
“Err…” Fred looked over his shoulder at Said, who only shrugged.
“It’s called… Cards Against Equiniti!”
Brilliant, Said thought as the crowd of ponies pulled out their solid gold bits. We’re going to be millionaires!
Said and Fred stepped through the open door of Sugar Cube Corner. Said felt his mouth watering as the seat smell of pie entered his nostrils.
It’d only been two hours since the grand reveal of Cards Against Equiniti, and with the sale of only six decks of cards at massively inflated prices, they had enough money to buy whatever they wanted. Namly, food.
“Oh my gosh!” Pinkie Pie said from behind the counter. “Are you the sales-humans from the wagon!?” She jumped up and down excitedly.
Fred smiled as he stopped in front of the counter. “Of course we are!” He kneeled down and began eyeing the many pies and cakes. “Say, how much would a nice piece of pie cost me?”
“Only four bits!”
“Four bits?!” Said could hardly contain himself. His stomach demanded food and his mind screamed for him to buy them at that moment. He reached down into his pockets, fumbling around desperately to get the money out as fast as possible.
“Wait a second…” Fred held up his hand. “We won’t be buying that pie.”
“What?!” Said snapped as he pulled three bits out of his pocket. “Fred! We’re buy the pie, we have enough for it!”
“We’re going to get that one.” Fred pointed to a huge pie on display behind the glass. It darfed everything around it like a colossus over a small child. With a sign under it stating that it was made by the sweetest cherries from a far away land, Fred knew it was much more than he could afford.
“How much is this pie?” Fred asked.
“Five-hundred bits!” Pinkie Pie replied with a smile.
“Fred!” Said protested, “We can’t afford that! Please, just buy the other on-”
“Shut up!” Fred interrupted. Said swallowed hard as Fred turned around to face him. There was a hunger in his eyes that Said had never seen in the man. “Don’t you see, Said? We can have it all!”
“What are you talking about? We have enough to get th-”
Said felt a spike of pain run through his face as Fred backhanded him without warning. Before he knew it, Said was on the ground with Fred glooming over him. “Listen to me, Said!” he screamed.
Said rubbed his cheek. “What the hell was tha-”
“Think of it like a chapter in a story!” Fred start, totally ignoring Said. “The more chapters we write, the more money we get!”
“I don’t g-”
“If we sell more cards, we’ll get more money! We’ll be able to buy that pie with no effort! Think of it, Said! We could have that huge, mouthwatering pie by just sitting out there and selling cards!”
“But I’m hungry now!”
“I know you are.” Fred reached out a hand to Said. “But if we do this now, we can eat like kings at the end of the day.”
Said snorted. He’d never heard Fred speak like this, but then again, They’d never been able to get this popular. Usually getting run out of towns or being called crap, he realized that this was the first time they were something and not just following the money.
We are the money, Said thought.
Said nodded and reached out for his friend’s hand. “Alright.”
Fred grinned. “Excellent.”
“Chuck Norris and sexy flying snakes would make great siblings!” Rainbow dash rolled on the floor of Twilight’s Castle, laughing her head off, “Hahah!”
“This game isn’t very fun Rainbow Dash.” Twilight looked at her cards. Ronald Reagan rolling on the floor with a saxaphone? This game is awful…
Ever since Rainbow Dash came to her door, they’ve been playing the game for a whole hour. An hour in which Twilight thought was a waste of her life. “How did you pay for this, Rainbow?”
Rainbow Dash wiped a tear from her eye. “Only fifty bits! It was sooo worth it!”
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight’s eyes widened. “You paid that much for a deck of matching cards?!”
“Well, yeah.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “And they’re not just matching cards, Twilight, they’re easily the best game I’ve ever played!”
“I don’t know… I don’t think it’s very funny.”
“One more hand! I got a really good one!”
Twilight sighed. “Alright, what’s the card?”
Rainbow put down the cards while giggling to herself. As Twilight read it, Rainbow Dash began to laugh uncontrollably.
“Two rhinos and Mickey Mouse having sex?” Twilight cocked her head. “Who the heck is Mickey Mouse?”
“I have no clue!”
Twilight placed her cards on the ground and stood up. “That’s it. I’m not going to let these sales-ponies rob anypony else. It’s just wrong.” She began marching towards the door.
“Oh, come on, Twilight! The humans know how to make some pretty fun games!”
Twilight stopped her mark towards the door. “Humans?”
“Yeah. They’re the ones who’re selling the cards.”
Twilight shivered. Humans never left the town untouched by their stupid fads. Everything from Spider Man costumes to their dumb ‘end of the world’ series. It’s like they’re trying make her hate everything that could be fun.
With a snort of rage, Twilight burst through her front door.
Not this time, she thought. I’m not going to let you make this a thing…
“What the hell do you think you’re doing!” Fred yelled at one of the idiots he picked up on the road. They stood behind a large, brown box in the middle of the market place, with the words ‘Cards for u’ on the front. Said could only guess that they stole the box from the wagon.
“Wut do u’z mean?” the man behind the box said.
“This is our gig!” said Said. “You can’t just steal our idea and take the profits!”
“I duno wut you means.”
Fred felt something touching his leg. He looked down to see the second of the two men grabbing at his pockets. “Get away from me!” Fred kicked him in the gut. “Get your own damn cards!”
“We don’t needs you are cards!” The man behind the box stated. “We have’s own.” He placed a rugged looking deck of cards on top of the box. Fred could instantly that they were just plain paper cut outs with words written in crayon.
“This is outrageous!” Said slammed his fist of the box, but the man didn’t flinch at all. Instead, he just sat there with the same dumb smile on his face. “I demand you stop selling these at this moment!”
“I agree u’z guy’z made the origanal one.” A pony walked between Said and Fred. Without a word, he placed sixty bits on the box and took a deck. The man smiled. “But ours is very much gooder.”
“Impossible!” Fred grabbed the pony who had just bought the cards. He brought his face close to the pony’s before saying, “You know you’re buying a knockoff version, right?”
The pony smiled sheepishly. “Well, I just find this one better…”
“Why?!” Fred shook him around. “Why is it better?!”
“It had more sex jokes!” the pony screamed as his head begin to spin. Fred stopped and grinded his teeth together. “Please, let me go!”
“I’z say u’z guys mest have too leave now. I do not unt you to hurt more of my costemers.”
“Why you piece of shit!” Said lept at the man at the other end of the box. He was able to grab his shirt before the other one jumped Fred from behind and brought him to the ground.
Said received a punch to the cheek as he held on to the man’s shirt. Pain rocketed it’s way through his face as another one landed, then another. Soon, he was able to hear the cry of pain from Fred.
“Get the fuck off me!” Fred rolled his attacker over so that he was on top. With his nose dripping blood down onto the man, Fred winded his fist back, ready to clock him right in the mouth. As he put all of his weight behind the punch though, he felt his arm stay exactly where it was.
“Stop this fighting, right now!” a feminine voice yelled at them. “Get off of each other!”
“There’z are attack us first.” the man Said was holding said, frozen in place.
“I don’t care who was attacking who first! When I let you go, no more fighting, you got me?”
“Alright, alright!” Fred said.
A small crowd of ponies formed around the scene. And as the men dusted themselves off and got back to their feet, Twilight turned to all of them with a large frown.
“No more Cards Against Equiniti, alright? This isn’t going to become another fad like the rest of them. Please, if you value anything in this town, your fellow pony, or yourself, don’t buy the cards! They’re a waste of money!”
A moment of silence passed as Twilight panted with anger. No more fads, she thought. No more!
Suddenly, a pony broke the silence. “What are Cards Against Equiniti?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “It’s a stupid card game… Please, don’t buy into it.”
“You know,” A pony said to their friend next to them. “Now that I’ve heard about it, that sounds pretty fun, maybe I should buy them…”
“Yeah, that does sound like fun.”
“Hey!” a pony yelled. “How much is he making from selling them?”
Twilight frowned. “It sixty bits! Outrageous!”
“Do you think I can sell them?”
“What?” Twilight quickly shook her head. “No! Don’t sell them! You might be able to get a lot, but it’s not wor-”
“Hey!” Fred yelled over Twilight as he ran behind the box, emptying his pockets onto the top of it. “I’m selling my cards for ten bits! Come get them if you wanna sell ‘em!”
The next words out of Twilight’s mouth were lost in a sea of hooves and screaming. Before she even knew what was happening, all the ponies she was once talking to were now over her, running towards the salesman's box.
“Step right up!” Said yelled over mob. He climbed up on top of the box and cupped his hands over his mouth.“Ten bits to get rich! Ten bits!”
Twilight crawled out from under the mob. Her whole body was bruised and in pain as she tried to stand up. Her legs failed her though, as the pain was too much for her to take. She decided to lie on the ground and close her eyes, not wanting to think about what just happened.
Cheering filled the air around her as more ponies bought the cards. At least there aren't that many cards to be sold… she thought. It brang her some happiness, but she knew that she failed… At least it wasn’t going to be as bad as last time.
A smile formed on her face as she opened her eyes. And as fast as the smile came, it vanished. Down the road, before her very eyes, dust was being kicked up into the sky. A tear ran down her face as the sight a single wagon came into view, then another, and another. Soon, it was all she could see.
Scootaloo sat down in front of her Television with a bag of chips at her side. She always enjoyed watching the cartoons on saturday, and her favorite show’s season finale was on today.
Reaching of the remote, Scootaloo turned on the Television. Her eyes widened as the face of Princess Celestia popped into view.
“The ban on the new game, Cards Against Equiniti, will be put in full effect today. Anypony caught with, or selling the cards, will have to hand them over to their local authority immediately.”
Celestia sighed. “I’m sorry it had to come to this, my little ponies, but the humans selling the games have ruined their last city. I won’t let their businesses fight in the streets any longer. As of this moment, I’m ordering all businesses that sell the card game to disassemble, or leave the country.”
“I’m sorry everypony, but this has to be done.”
The Television switched the colorful cartoon in which Scootaloo had been waiting for. She could help but feel sad about the ban. The card game was fun in when she played it with her friends.
The game wasn’t meant to be mass produced like it was. It’s fun to play with your friends… Scootaloo thought.
Maybe, just maybe, everyone is blowing this way out of proporti-
“Hey!!!!!!” Apple Bloom came crashing through Scootaloo’s front door. “Let’s go to the opening of the new pizzeria!!!!!”
Scootaloo heard her neck admit a horrible cracking sound as she twisted her head around. A completely unnatural smile curved its way onto her face, showing off hundreds of green and yellow teeth. “WOULD I FUCKING EVER!”
