Arthur Saxon Beats up Tirek
It began, as so many of her troubles did, with a knock at her door. Celestia arched an eyebrow, looking away from where her evening cup of tea levitated in front of her lips, and scratched at the side of her neck with a hoof.
“My shift is over,” she said plainly. “Whatever it is, take it to Princess Luna.”
“Fine, little miss Punch Clock Princess,” came a muffled female voice from beyond the door, “but she'll just end up sending me back up here after you.”
Celestia rose from where she lay, and sipped at her tea. Glowing pale yellow-gold, the little cup followed her as she stepped towards the door.
"Now that's just rude," she mumbled to herself, looking briefly towards the mirror as she went, so as to be certain she was presentable.
Upon opening the oaken door of her bedchamber, Celestia discovered a gray unicorn mare; a member of the royal guard whom she had seen only a few times whose name was Mini Glitter. The look on the little unicorn's face spelled discontent so clearly that it might have passed muster in a spelling bee.
“What is it, Mini?” asked Celestia impatiently. “I will forget about your behavior if you just make this quick.”
“Suits me,” said Mini, rubbing at her nose with a foreleg. “Tirek's loose.”
“You're joking,” said Celestia, her cup of tea dropping momentarily as she lost concentration, so that much of the liquid sloshed out before she could regain control of the plummeting vessel.
“Yeah, that's right,” said Mini Glitter. “I came all the way up here to play a joke that could get me thrown in the dungeon for six to eight years.”
“What happened?” asked Celestia, ignoring Mini's irritable reply. “How did Tirek get free of his prison?”
“Seems like the last time he got out, he bribed somepony to let him out again if he ever got caught... on promise of an even larger bribe.”
“How do you know that?” asked Celestia.
“The somepony he bribed was me," said Mini Glitter.
“Mini,” said Celestia, “you just admitted to treason.”
“Your government was deposed when we made the deal,” said Mini. “I got the paperwork signed, dated, notarized, and everything, just so I could prove it.”
“You got a notary from a deposed government to notarize papers verifying that you did not commit treason against that selfsame government?” asked Celestia, scowling. "There's something of a leap there which you may not have taken into consideration."
“This wasn't an Equestrian notary; it was Tirek's.”
“And that notary would have been?” asked Celestia.
“Discord,” said Mini.
“So, he knew?” asked Celestia. “Discord knew about this arrangement, I mean?”
“I don't think so,” said Mini. “He wasn't paying much attention to the conversation. He just kinda stamped the papers and signed his name.”
“Fine," said Celestia. "But still; you let Tirek out of his cage, and then came here... Why?”
“He didn't pay up,” said Mini.
“And after he refused to pay you,” said Celestia, "how did you keep him from draining you of all your magic?”
“Kicked him in the shin and ran away screaming like a schoolfilly,” said Mini.
“Why didn't I think of that?” Celestia mumbled to herself before turning her eyes to meet Mini's. “In any case, you do understand that you are going to have to be dismissed from the guard?”
“I've actually never been on the payroll,” said the unicorn. “I really run an art supply store in downtown Canterlot. This armor is papier-mache."
Mini turned to the side, and gestured at her cutie mark. It was a paintbrush superimposed over a one-bit sign. Celestia responded by staring silently at the unicorn for a few moments before levitating her tea to her lips.
“Get out of my house,” said the Princess, and she drained the last of her tea.
“Fine,” said Mini, turning and beginning to walk away. “See if I ever warn you when I commit treason again.”
Celestia headed off down the hall in the opposite direction, and after a few minutes, found her sister sitting in her bedchamber. She was soaking wet from a shower with a towel wrapped around her mane, and was polishing her hooves with an emery board.
“Luna,” she said, “We've got a code... ehm... Whatever it is when Tirek gets out of his cage.”
“'T'would be a six, that,” said Luna, pausing momentarily from polishing her hoof, “and what, pray tell, has allowed such a calamity?”
“We need to have more stringent personnel screenings,” said Celestia, “but more to the point, what do we do? Twilight Sparkle and her friends are on Spring Break in Las Pegasus, and Twilight is not taking any letters."
"None at all?" asked Luna, carefully examining the hoof she had been polishing. Finding some small spot not to her satisfaction, she applied several more quick swipes.
"No," said Celestia. "I found Spike tied up in my wardrobe with a note to the effect that Twilight was taking the week off. There's nothing to be done; it's part of her contractual two weeks' vacation per century."
“'T'would seem we shall have to employ alternate methods, rather than simply ignoring the situation whilst Twilight fixes it, as we are wont to do."
She switched to polishing another hoof, and did not look at her sister.
"Yes," said Celestia. "Let's brainstorm."
“Well," said Princess Luna. "If indeed 'tis Tirek, magic will avail us not. We shall need somepony who can defeat him without use of the arcane.”
“But all ponies have magic,” said Celestia, “even earth ponies.”
“Then we shall need nopony, but somebody,” said Luna.
“Say, now there's an idea,” said Celestia. “I've still got one of Starswirl's old mirrors hidden in my closet.”
"But you will need the creature in its native form," said Luna. "If it taketh the form of a pony, it shall become magical, and susceptible to Tirek's power.”
“Don't worry,” said Celestia. “I can make some mild adjustments to the incantation; it should get us precisely what we want. Give me about fifteen minutes.”
Outside, there was a thunderous crash and the sound of a cart alarm in the distance. They looked out the window to behold Tirek's enormous form kicking, stomping, and generally thrashing its way through Canterlot.
“Better make that ten,” said Celestia.
It took two hours.
“Now, thou art sure 'twill behave as expected, this time?” asked Luna, eying the strange contraption Celestia had constructed around the old, cloudy mirror she had pulled from her closet. “I felt so sorry for that bizarre, gray creature... even with its soulless black eyes and weird, bulbous head.”
“How was I supposed to know it couldn't breathe our atmosphere?” asked Celestia. “But yes, I think I have it. Now, all I have to do is use the proper incantation to summon a mighty warrior, and we should be all set.”
With that, she stepped to the mirror, and began to speak.
“I summon unto the aid of Equestria a being so mighty in form that it shall neither need nor bring with it any magic by which to defeat the threat that now sets itself against our fair home. Bring me, oh mirror, one of strength and resolve who may strike down the wicked in the name of all that is right!”
The mirror glowed for a moment, and then began to vibrate. The conglomeration of washing machine and refrigerator parts that Celestia had haphazardly attached to it jostled and twitched violently.
"Oh, I think we've got a live one, this time!" said Celestia.
"Yes!" said Luna, and then she turned to the hamster wheel on which her pet opossum was laboring with all his might to power the belt assembly that drove the part of the machine Celestia had called the "gyroscopic interstellar coordinate stability doohickey."
"Stay strong, Tiberius!" she shouted. "Thou art a mighty soldier of the Lunar Empire!"
Tiberius turned mid-stride, saluted, and quickened his pace.
"The what?" asked Celestia, her brow furrowing.
"'Tis a game we play," said Luna, innocently. "Nothing more."
"Uh-huh," said Celestia. "Have I told you I'm planning on initiating a space program here in Equestria? Our first order of business is going to be sending a pony to the..."
At that moment, the mirror's intensifying glow erupted into a flash. There was a loud crackling sound, like a miniature lightning bolt, and a huge puff of smoke that smelled like burning rubber bands. At last, as the smoke cleared, there stepped through the mirror what Twilight Sparkle had described as a human. It was evident by its exquisite mustache that it must be male, and it seemed exceptionally brawny and strong. It wore not the garb of a warrior, however, but a unitard that would have been suitable for a gymnast or other such athlete, and nothing else.
“I am here seeking to challenge the man responsible for the posting of... this,” he said, presenting a flyer that bore a picture of Tirek's face.
“Tirek, strongest man in the world, challenges all comers to prove their mettle against him in tests of strength to include the lifting of weights, boxing, wrestling, and all other pertinent elements of physical culture," the flyer read.
“Is this the right address?” asked the strange creature.
"Why, yes it is," said Celestia. "If I may have your name, sir?”
“Why, I am Arthur Saxon, world-renowned strongman. Surely you've heard of me.”
“I can't say that I have,” said Celestia.
“You have, I assure you,” said Arthur Saxon. “I will allow, however, that you may have a poor memory for names. Now, to the business of this Tirek.”
“Over there,” said Luna, pointing towards the window, through which Tirek could still be seen rampaging through Canterlot.
“Well, well,” said Arthur Saxon, stepping to the window. "Quite a big fellow, isn't he!"
"Yes," said Celestia. "That won't be a problem, will it?"
"Of course not," said Arthur Saxon. "It would be a waste of time and little boon to my renown to overcome a man smaller than myself!"
Then, he looked out towards Tirek, as if judging the distance carefully. He then leapt through the open window, and into the sky.
Luna and Celestia gave one another looks of absolute disbelief, and then followed him through the window, flying as fast at they could to catch up. When they closed the distance, Arthur Saxon was flying through the air, his body horizontal and stiff as a plank, fists outstretched ahead of him.
“Wait,” said Celestia. “You can fly!?”
“No,” said Arthur Saxon.
Luna and Celestia looked at one another in confusion, and then back to the human. Arthur Saxon, hurtling ever further towards the horned red and black centaur, offered no further explanation.
In a few moments, the trio came to lite on a sidewalk near where Tirek was doing his best to obliterate Canterlot. Celestia and Luna both sat themselves down gently. Arthur Saxon, however, still sailing forward under the impetus of his initial leap, took hold of an iron lamp post with an outstretched arm. His momentum was so great that the lamp post was bent over until he could freely set his feet on the ground. When he released the post, it did not resume its former shape.
“Excuse me, good sir,” he said, approaching the place where Tirek was currently launching bolts of wild, malevolent energy into the nearby buildings.
“What?” said Tirek, looking suddenly downward. “What is this strange creature?”
“I am Arthur Saxon,” said Arthur Saxon, “and I am here to answer your challenge in regards to a test of physical excellence.”
“What a fool!” shouted Tirek, punctuating his declaration with a deep belly laugh.
He then proceeded to attempt to stomp down on Arthur Saxon with one of his hooves. The man did not flinch. Instead, he raised a single hand high above his head, and stopped the incoming hoof.
“What the?” was all Tirek could muster in response.
Arthur Saxon allowed his hand to give until there was considerable bend in his elbow, and then thrust it outward sharply, causing Tirek to stumble backwards, waving his arms for balance.
“Some fight in you, eh!?” said Tirek.
“Only a desire for a friendly contest by which to test and demonstrate my abilities,” said Arthur Saxon, “and might I intimate that your kicks would be possessed of far greater efficacy if only you spent more time on your legs in your training routine. Your upper body is admirably developed, particularly your arms, but your legs are spindly by comparison, as if you do almost no training focused to that area of your body. It is a common mistake of new lifters who wish to have the appearance of being strong, but such a philosophy fails to account for the fact that real strength comes from the ability of the whole body to function in equilibrium with itself. As it is, your physique appears unbalanced to the practiced eye.”
Tirek raised an eyebrow, and looked around, his face set in an expression of utmost confusion.
“I see you there, Princesses,” said Tirek, having finally noticed Celestia and Luna. “You have brought this strange animal here to humiliate me, but I will not be made a fool of by your ridiculous pet!"
Tirek then seized the polished spire that rose from the top of a nearby building, and broke it off.
“I have merely answered a posted challenge, sir,” said Arthur Saxon. “It is you who have made a novice mistake in your training, and you who will be responsible for any embarrassment you suffer. There is, after all, no shame in a friendly challenge, so long as one is able to perform well in whatever contest may ensue. It is, in fact, the bread-and-butter of our profession to compete with one another, for the common man is so far outclassed as to provide no usable measure for any one of us versus the next.”
Tirek took the base of the spire like the hilt of a sword, and thrust it forward violently. Arthur Saxon deftly sidestepped the blow, allowing the improvised weapon to smash through the pavement beside him. One of the numerous cobblestones thrown from the street smashed into the side of his head, and was deflected away.
Arthur Saxon seemed either to have not noticed or simply not to care.
“Fencing is not my game, sir,” he said as Tirek struggled to remove the spire from where it was now deeply buried in the sidewalk. “However, in deference to your handicap, I will gladly engage you in such a contest if I am provided with proper equipment."
“Oh, this I must see,” said Princess Luna, and her horn flickered for a moment. An arming sword with a an ebony hilt and a polished, silvery blade popped into existence near her, teleported from her own Lunar guard's armory. She levitated it to float in front of the human.
“This looks a bit more dangerous than a proper foil,” said Arthur Saxon, “but I suppose I can pull my blows,” he said. “Thank you, kind lady.”
With that, he reached out his hand, and took the weapon by its hilt
“Oh,” said Princess Celestia. “That's what that part of a sword is for! I always did wonder why they made them like that. I honestly thought Tirek was holding his improperly.”
Tirek, having finally manage to free his weapon from where it was buried in the pavement, took another swing, which Arthur Saxon parried with the merest flick of his wrist. Then came another blow, and another, and another, all of which were easily swept aside by the strongman's graceful, fluid control of the sword Luna had given him.
After a long flurry of such blows, Tirek stopped, breathing heavily.
“I don't understand,” he said, “I thought you said this wasn't your game!”
“It is not,” said Arthur Saxon, “but a man who uses a varied and well-rounded plan of exercise can expect to excel in most physical contests merely by virtue of his well-practiced control over his own body and of his understanding in regards to the behavior of weight manipulated externally thereunto, good sir. It is for this reason that I am fond not only of lifting weights, but also of running, swimming, leaping, and all manner of physical exertions."
Tirek only stared down dumbly, his mouth slightly agape.
"Now,” said the human, “to demonstrate the principle, I shall go on the offensive.”
Arthur Saxon bent at his knees, and leapt upward, the thrust of his legs so intense that it threw stones from the street beneath his feet. As he passed by the left side of Tirek's face, the centaur flinched away in terror and glanced left and right in confusion.
“Where'd he go!?” he asked, his frayed nerves evident in the panic edging into his voice.
Then, Arthur Saxon fell from the sky above him, passing by his face on the right side this time. He landed gingerly in the cloth awning of a nearby shop, and slid lightly to the ground.
“Ha!” said Tirek, “You missed!”
Arthur Saxon said nothing, but handed his sword back to Princess Luna, who teleported it once more away, sensing that he was done with it.
“I refute your assertion thus,” the human finally said, upon which statement both of Tirek's horns separated mere millimeters from the sides of his head, and dropped to the ground.
“What sorcery is this!?” Tirek bellowed, clutching at the stumps where his once-majestic horns had been only moments before.
“It is merely the result of diligently practiced physical culture,” said Arthur Saxon.
“I don't care what it is the result of!” shouted Tirek, throwing down his improvised sword. “I will have it for myself!”
Then, Tirek opened his mouth, and inhaled deeply for several seconds, his face shifting from surprise to confusion, and finally anger before he finally shut his mouth and scowled.
“Why can't I steal your magic!?”
“Magic?” asked Arthur Saxon. “My strength is in no way the result of magic, sir. It is merely the result of exceptional genes and careful training. Indeed, some strongmen will claim to have once been invalids and to have reached their current state of strength and general wellness only through some so-called 'magical' regimen of diet and training -- all of this being done, I might add, merely to sell copies of their own publications to the unwary. As for myself, however, I make no such claims!
On the contrary, I have always been strong, and can only imagine what it must be like to be weak. I only guarantee that my methods will increase strength and physical capability to the extent allowed by the genes of any able-bodied individual who follows them with due diligence.”
“Uh...” said Tirek, looking at Celestia and Luna.
Princess Celestia shrugged while Princess Luna looked back at Tirek, mouthing the words “We have no idea,” with a slow shaking of her head.
“Now,” said Arthur Saxon, we will engage in a contest more to my own familiarity and expertise. It is only fair, given that I have acceded thus far to all terms of your challenges. This next contest is to be a bout of wrestling, my preferred sport.”
Arthur Saxon leapt once more at Tirek, and seized him by a leg. Having taken hold of his quarry, he threw Tirek down, and running over his belly, pinned his leg behind his left ear. This would probably not have been particularly painful or impressive, except that it was Tirek's right hind leg which the man had lain hands upon.
Tirek inhaled sharply, and then, fighting back tears, began to crawl little by little towards a small grove of trees in a nearby park. All the while Arthur Saxon did not release his grip. Soon, with face redder even than usual and breathing heavy and labored, Tirek ripped one of the trees up by its roots, and began violently beating at his own head and face with it in an effort to dislodge the human. After about four minutes of this, Arthur Saxon finally released his hold, and jumped down into Tirek's field of vision. He spoke into the centaur's face, which was now fairly bruised and abraded from his injudicious use of the tree.
“It is against the rules of this sport to use a foreign object. I tolerated it for a time, but if you intend to degrade the purity of our contest through the senseless implementation of a weapon forbidden by the rules, I can only respond in kind.”
Arthur Saxon stepped to a nearby tree, this one half-again as large as the one with which Tirek had assaulted him, and tore it free of the earth. Having done so, he turned and began to beat Tirek about the face and neck with the uprooted tree.
Tirek did his best to respond to this assault in a similar fashion, but this resulted only in Arthur Saxon blocking the first blow from Tirek's feebly-wielded tree with his left hand. He then tore the tree from Tirek's grasp, and began using it, along with the other, still clutched in his right, to deliver twice as many blows to the beleaguered centaur.
Tirek, in a desperate bid to escape, tried to stand up, but his hip, dislocated from where it had been wrapped backwards around his body, would not support his weight. He toppled forward. the bulk of him passing over the human on its way towards the earth.
Arthur Saxon siezed upon this opportunity to leap upward and grab Tirek by the tail. In that moment, a wrestling move known as the centaur tail double-reverse pile-driving ultra-hyper suplex was invented. As the maneuver occurs outside the confines of Euclidean geometry, it is difficult to describe in text, but it should be understood by the reader that it resulted in Tirek being buried, head-first and very nearly to his hindquarters, in the side of the mountain on which Canterlot was constructed. Despite the fact that the impact caused an eight kiloton blast, leveling everything within approximately one kilometer, (please note that there were no casualties as the citizens had already fled to escape Tirek's rampage) the centaur remained conscious, his one good hind leg wiggling violently where it protruded from the mountainside.
“Still not ready to yield, I see,” said Arthur Saxon, looking up at the spasming leg hanging from the mountainside. “Very well, then.”
Leaping once more to take hold of Tirek's spasming leg, Arthur Saxon dragged him from the mountainside, and in a series of quick, elegant hops that would have been the envy of the most highly-trained ballerina, he placed himself onto Tirek's nose.
“Are you ready to yield, sir?” he asked.
“Are you my mommy?” asked Tirek. “I want to go home.”
“Now, now,” said Arthur Saxon, “It doesn't do for a man of strength and will to succumb so easily to a simple concussion. I shall have to take measures to better your fortitude.”
Arthur Saxon then headbutted Tirek. The impact sounded much like that of a wrecking ball against the side of a particularly well-reinforced building; a dull, hollow thwack that echoed off the mountains for miles around. Arthur Saxon thus repeatedly slammed his own forehead in between Tirek's eyes once every second and a half or so for a duration of precisely two minutes and forty-eight seconds. This exact figure is known to ponydom because Princess Celestia, in her wisdom and foresight, took note of the time on a nearby clock tower at the moments of both the first and last impacts.
After this duration, Arthur Saxon, finding Tirek quite unconcscious, climbed down from the brutalized centaur's body, and made his way to where the Princesses stood.
“Well,” he said, “it seems that I have met this fellow's challenge. I expect no reward but the increase of my own renown, given that no prize was offered in the posted flyer. If you will show me to the door by which I entered, I shall be on my way.”
“Yes,” said Celestia, suddenly very eager to see this strange creature gone from Equestria, lest it should cause some horrible cataclysm. “Come with me.”
She turned to her sister.
“Luna,” she said, “please go see that Tirek is returned to his... usual accommodations.”
“I shall,” said Luna, and she stepped towards where the centaur lay in a heap. As she approached Tirek's head, she found Discord standing in front of his face.
“What art thou doing here, Discord?" she asked.
“Just taking stock of a job well-done,” said the Draconequus.
He then produced a Polaroid camera, and took an arm's-length snapshot of himself beside Tirek's battered face, giving a thumbs up.
“Princess Luna,” he said, shaking the photo that emerged, “would you be a dear, and make sure this ends up in Tirek's cell for me?”
“I... suppose I can see to that,” said Luna, trying to work out the details of what was transpiring.
“Thank you so much,” said Discord, and with a snap of his claw, he produced a small permanent marker, with which he scribbled something on the photo. Then, he handed the photo to Princess Luna, and disappeared.
Princess Luna looked down at the photo. Next to the slightly off-center image of Discord giving his thumbs up next to Tirek's unconscious visage, (which had been adorned with a curly mustache drawn in marker) were scribbled the words, “Thanks for the memories -- Discord.”
There came at that moment a sudden flash, and there again stood the Draconequus, who handed Princess Luna a copy of a book.
“Would you please give him this along with the photo?” he asked. Then, without even taking a breath, he gave a quick, “Thanks; toodles!” and once more was gone.
Princess Luna looked at the book. It was old with yellowed pages, and prominently embossed on its worn cover was the following:
The Development of Physical Power
By Arthur Saxon
finem
